Stop Testing People | #5

Florence Ann: We often expect the people we love to read our minds instead of hearing our words. Stop testing people with a test that they don't know they're taking. This is where you need to say the quiet part out loud. The people that love you cannot meet needs that they've never been invited to see. I need you. Three words that terrify us, and yet Have the power to change our entire life. I'm Florence Romano, and welcome to I Need You. Each week, we'll uncover the walls we've built, the loneliness we've hidden, and the courage it takes to finally let the right people in. Because the bravest thing you'll ever say will become the beginning of everything you've been missing. Welcome to I Need You. We often expect the people we love to read our minds instead of hearing our words. We tell ourselves if they really cared, they'd know. But healthy relationships don't work like that. They don't work on unspoken expectations. They are built on honest communication. So if you take anything away from this episode, I want you to remember one of the first things I say to you. Which is stop testing people with a test that they don't know they're taking. Stop testing people with a test they don't know they're taking. It bears repeating. Unspoken expectations become premeditated disappointments. And if we're measuring love by mind reading, man ⁓ man, we are setting ourselves up. For such a disaster. The truth is, I've caught myself thinking very often exactly what I'm rallying against, which is if they really knew me or really loved me, then they would understand what I need. They would know I need help. They would know that I'm hurting. They would know that it's a hard day. They would know that I'm disappointed. They know, they know, they know, they know, they know. This is terrible, this is awful, this is a really, really bad loop. Okay. So I'm gonna lovingly challenge that right now. They are not failing you. They are not failing this test. They don't even know they're taking this test. We need to remember that life is so busy and life is so full. Everyone has their own stuff and their own baggage. Remember that musical rent back in the 90s? One of my favorite lines is: I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine. And isn't that the truth? That's life. That's friendship. That's romantic relationships. You're looking for baggage that goes with yours. How do you know about each other's baggage though? ⁓ wait a second. It's because You are using your words. It's because you're being honest. It's because you're being vulnerable. It's because you're letting them in. It's because you're letting your guard down. So, how does this apply to your life? Well, I know how it applies to mine. So, when I was 35, I froze my eggs. When I was 30 years old, I was standing on a rooftop of this fabulous Chicago club. I had had a joint birthday party with one of my best girlfriends, Casey. And we both turned 30 a month apart. We decided we were gonna have double birthday parties and we had the most marvelous time. But on the top of that rooftop, I had been cocktailing, I was feeling all tipsy topsy-turvy. And I said out loud, you know what? I'm not married, and there's no good prospects. And by the time I turn 35, if I am not married, Then I'm gonna freeze my eggs and I am gonna consider having a baby on my own. I'm gonna be a single mom by choice. I'm gonna choose a donor and I'm gonna fertilize some eggs and I'm just gonna do it. So fast forward five years later, I am not married. There are no good prospects. Not much looked, not much seemed to look that different. What am I trying to say? Not much looked different from that rooftop when I was 30. At least in terms of my marital status. So 35, I had to make good on this promise. And I did freeze my eggs. And I did fertilize some of those eggs with donor sperm. That was a trip, by the way. Going through profiles of donors and selecting who I wanted to make a baby with. That by the way, in Italian means, ⁓ Mother Mary. Like, OMG. That's the Italian way of saying OMG. ⁓ Marona me. You'll hear me say it a lot. My non I used to say it, the woman I'm named after. so anyway, I I did it and I went through IVF to that's how you that's how you freeze your eggs. You go through IVF basically. And I did back-to-back cycles. I was a wreck. My estrogen was at 3,000. Pretty sure it's supposed to be at like 10. I don't know. Those aren't real figures, but I do remember the 3,000 figure, and that was super, super, super high. So all my my medical minds out there, you'll know what the real estrogen level is. ⁓ but whatever it was, it was off the charts. And I was a wreck. I was a wreck from the medication. And no one tells you this, but IVF is a very lonely journey. And Even though I was not going through IVF to conceive a child at the time, I went through all the same things that women go through when they're going through IVF. And I thought I was prepared for it. And I I really don't think I was. And I would talk to other people who were going through it, and they were able to relate to the loneliness of it. And that was the wild foil of the whole thing. was I felt incredibly lonely on that journey, yet was surrounded by people and was talking to people that were going through the same thing because I intentionally sought those people out, but it's still lonely because it's your body. It's something you can't control, how your body is responding to the medication, how your body is responding chemically in your brain to all of this too. And it it's hard for people who have not gone through it to understand it. Your body is controlling you and you want to be able to control it. And that is the hardest part of going through IVF to freeze your eggs at least. I'll make that disclaimer, because if you're going through IVF to conceive, there's other other circumstances and other variables there that make it difficult. But for me, it felt like I could not control what my brain was doing, what my body was doing. I wanted my body to perform a certain way. And I had no control over it. And I am a control girl. man, do I like to control the situation? ⁓ and this I really needed to stop white knuckling. I really needed to leave it to God, and that was a massive challenge. It was a massive lift for me. But the point, though, is I was going through a very lonely period, but I expected. my friends and family to know how it felt to go through what I was going through, even though they had never had that life experience before. So I got stubborn. I would not talk about how I was feeling and kind of cross my my arms and get all huffy about it and be like, ⁓ they don't get it. They don't love me. They don't care. If they cared, they would they would understand. My gosh, I mean how ridiculous, Florence Ann. That is not how the world works. I was testing my friends and family to see how well they knew me, quote unquote. This is where we get ourselves into trouble. This is where you need to say the quiet part out loud, which is, hey, this is super, super hard. And I feel like I'm losing myself and my mind. And I need something to tether me, to anchor me. Can you please, please help me do that? The truth is, I wasn't giving them the opportunity to love me well. I was grading them on information they never had. And we all do it. We all do this. We create invisible expectations. We silently score the people that we love. We think that they should know that we're overwhelmed. They should know that we need help, that today is hard, that I need a hug. But they aren't mind readers. They're human. People cannot respond to needs that they've never been invited to see. Love grows when expectations become conversations. Love grows when expectations become conversations. Silence is not communication. My Nana used to do that when she was mad. She'd give the silent treatment. She thought that was communication. Well, Nana, I'm telling you, up there in heaven, you were wrong. I can't even say that. She was never wrong a day in her life. She was she was a saint. ⁓ but the truth is, silence is isn't communication. Silence ends up being self-protection. So we need to reframe this. This is the shift that we're talking about. We need to imagine replacing they should know with I need to tell them. That one sentence is gonna change it. That one sentence changes everything. For you. I need to tell them. Gosh, need that word. It's so important. It's almost like my podcast is named for that word. At least I make myself laugh. So healthy relationships. They aren't built by guessing. They are built by talking. The people who love you are not trying to fail you on purpose. Most of the time, they are simply deficient of information. So every week we talk about the ask. Acronym. And this week the lesson really lives in the S. Say what you need. What am I really asking for? Instead of hoping they're going to notice, you're going to give them the gift of clarity. You can try saying, Can I tell you what's really been going on? Or I don't need you to fix this. I just need someone to listen. Or I'm having a harder week than I've let on. Can I borrow your strength for a minute? Can I borrow your strength for a minute? Or say, I don't even know exactly what I need. I just know that I don't want to carry this alone. Or you can simply say, I need you. And that opens it all up to your action step for this week is to choose one sentence you have never said before. I want you to practice saying it this week. Maybe it's some of the things I just listed. Maybe it's simply I need you, but. I want you to really concentrate on not making people guess. And if you need more examples, you could try saying something like, Can you just listen? Can you check on me tomorrow? Can you help me think through this? Can you just be a sounding board for a second? Or can you just sit with me? Or can we just go to Target and shop and not say a word to each other and just sip on some Starbucks? It could be as simple as that, too. I want you to practice finishing this sentence. The best way you can help me today is fill in the blank. We talk about action steps and gut checks. So you have your action steps, but your gut checks for this episode is where in your life right now are you expecting someone to read your mind? What conversation perhaps are you avoiding because you're just gonna hope that they figure it out? Are you giving people the opportunity to show up for you, to love you? Or have you mistaken silence for communication? I want you to replace one silent expectation with one honest sentence. Instead of hoping someone notices, I want you to tell them. Use one of the phrases that we talked about today and practice that clarity instead of just hoping. Okay, so I'm gonna say the quiet part out loud. I fall into this trap because I am afraid. That's where all this is coming from. I am afraid that someone will say no to my request for help or someone will think that I'm needy or someone will think that I'm weak or someone will be disappointed in me. So I stay silent. But then we keep all this inside, and then we become disappointed in them when we are the ones that have set them up for this. We've set them up to fail. The people that love you cannot meet needs that they've never been invited to see. So stop testing them. Start trusting them with the truth, because the truth is. The people that love you, they deserve a chance to succeed. And they don't need to take a test that they never knew they were taking. So until next time, say the quiet part out loud.