Hyper-Independence Isn’t Freedom: Why You Struggle to Ask for Help

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There's a kind of strength that looks like freedom from the outside.
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You handle the crisis, you remember what everybody needs.
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You solve the problem before anyone even knows that there is a problem.
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You do stuff like move a refrigerator on your own or install something on the ceiling while precariously hanging from a ladder, standing up on tiptoe, on a stool or something like that.
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You don't ask for much.
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You don't expect anyone to come and rescue you.
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And when somebody does actually offer to help, what comes out of your mouth is, oh no, thanks.
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I've got it.
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I'm good.
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I'm totally fine.
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Even when you clearly do not have it.
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And that's what we're gonna talk about this week.
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Welcome to this week's episode of Hey Tabby.
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Welcome to Hey Tabby, the podcast where we talk about the hard things out loud with our actual lips.
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We'll cover all kinds of topics across the mental health spectrum, including how it intersects with the Christian faith.
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Nothing is off limits here, and we are not taking two verses and call me in the morning.
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I'm Tabitha Westbrook, and I'm a licensed trauma therapist, but I'm not your trauma therapist.
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I'm an expert in domestic abuse and coercive control and how complex trauma impacts our health and well-being.
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Our focus here is knowledge and healing.
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Trauma doesn't have to eat your lunch driver.
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There is hope.
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Now, let's get going.
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Welcome to this week's episode of Hey Tabby.
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We are taking a deep dive today on hyperindependence.
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You may remember this topic from our previous episode on traumatic responses that maybe we don't think about, and that is one of them.
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So we are going to talk about why we go in that direction.
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We're going to take that deeper dive today.
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Somewhere along the way, basically we learned that needing people was dangerous, or even that no one was coming at all.
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Maybe help, if we did get it, actually came with strings, and maybe your vulnerability got handed back to you as ammunition against you, something was being used against you.
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Maybe asking for support actually got you criticized, humiliated, or even punished.
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And maybe the people who were supposed to protect you kept telling you, oh, it's not that bad.
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It's totally fine.
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Maybe someone offered you care and then used that care to claim authority over you.
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Like they used it to own you, sort of tit for tat.
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Maybe you were honestly just so neglected that you learned to do it for yourself just to survive.
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And frankly, it could actually be one or more of these things.
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It doesn't have to be just one.
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So you made a decision.
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You probably didn't say it out loud.
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I don't usually hear anybody say it out loud.
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It's not that I said it out loud in my own life, but you may not have even known that you were like making this decision at all.
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But the decision is this if I ever need anyone, then I'm gonna be able to be controlled.
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Or maybe it was this decision.
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No one's coming to help me, no one's reliable, so I'm just gonna have to do it myself.
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And look, I want to be clear about something right out of the gate here.
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That decision has probably worked.
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It's probably actually been kind of productive in your life.
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It may actually be part of the reason that you are still here and still with us and still surviving.
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But surviving and being free and truly living, those aren't the same thing.
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They're not.
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Freedom means that you actually have options.
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Hyperindependence leaves you with exactly one option.
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I get to do it all alone by myself.
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That's it.
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So today we're actually gonna talk about the difference between healthy autonomy and hyperindependence.
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We're gonna talk about why that pattern shows up, what it might have been protecting, but also what it costs you.
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We're gonna talk about how you might start letting support in without handing someone the keys to your life or being let down.
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And we're gonna talk about how to learn to trust that not everybody in your life will leave you high and dry all the time.
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So I'm gonna say this before we even go any deeper because I don't want it to be buried in the middle.
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What I'm not asking you to do is to trust unsafe people.
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I'm not gonna talk you into being more vulnerable with someone who's already shown you what they do with your vulnerability.
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Maya Angelou says it this way: when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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And I'll say believe them the first time.
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So none of this is at all criticism either for you being capable.
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I just want you to have more choices and I want you to see what might be playing out in your life.
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That's really our whole goal here.
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Like, I want you to be able to enter into support that gives you more room and not less room.
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All right, so what is hyperindependence?
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If you listened to the previous episode that we talked about on PTSD, we took a little bit of a dive into that, but I'll remind you here again, this isn't like an official diagnosis of some sort of mental health issue or whatever.
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It's really just shorthand for a survival pattern where leaning on another human being feels risky or not even possible.
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So carrying everything and just getting it done yourself really looks like a safer deal for you and more accomplishable, honestly.
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Healthy independence says I can take care of myself, but hyper independence says I have to take care of myself because nobody can be trusted and no one's gonna help me anyway.
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Ugh, do you feel that difference?
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I did.
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I felt it in my body as I read it and said it.
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Goodness.
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Healthy autonomy says I get to make decisions about my life.
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And there are people out there who care enough to step in with me.
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Hyperindependence says I have to make every one of these decisions alone because letting somebody into this process could cost me, and honestly, they're not going to show up anyway.
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Healthy boundaries say you don't get to take over.
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I get to run my own life.
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But hyperindependence says I can't even let you close enough to help.
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And even if I did, you'd probably just screw me over anyway, right?
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Do you hear the difference in these ideas?
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There is nothing wrong with being competent.
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Like I, as an employer, make sure that my people are doing what they're supposed to be doing.
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They need to be good at their jobs.
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They need to do the right things, right?
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So being competent is really good, you know, and there's also nothing wrong with liking your own company and making your own calls and being the one who knows how to fix the thing.
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As somebody who is a van life girly, knowing how to do things on my van that can fix little things is really helpful for me because I might be in the middle of nowhere when something goes slightly awry and I might have to fix something.
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So having competence in an area isn't a bad thing at all.
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But if you're coming out of coercive control, getting your practical independence back is actually a really good thing.
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It's something that we want.
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We're going to encourage you to take autonomy, to learn to do things, to take on more ownership of things.
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Like, you know, for some people, that means opening their own bank account or learning where their money actually goes, driving themselves somewhere, because I know folks that have not even been allowed to drive themselves places, making a decision without asking permission, having private conversations, deciding what you wear, what you eat, what you believe, what you do with a Saturday.
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All of those things are really good things.
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And those aren't hyper-independence.
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That's a return to agency after you have maybe not had any.
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And that is something to celebrate.
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It is something to work toward.
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It's not a bad thing at all.
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Again, hyperindependence is something else.
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And I really want us to have good nuance around this and to understand, right?
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Because it can be so tricky.
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Sometimes we want something that's a little bit more clear-cut, a little less areas of gray.
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And that can be really tough.
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So I want to help us have that, you know, shades of gray nuance here when we're talking about appropriate, healthy, independent agency and hyperindependence where we're like, I am just going to suffer and not ask for help, which is a very different thing.
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So hyperindependence happens when self-reliance stops being a strength, right?
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And it gets out of balance and it becomes this rule that you're not allowed to break.
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And again, like we don't make this rule super out loud.
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It's something that we ease into based on what we believe about ourselves.
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So basically, you're saying and your body is saying, your whole nervous system is saying, I can't risk needing anybody.
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I can't risk this at all.
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They're not going to show up anyway.
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And look, survival patterns do not come out of nowhere.
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They make a lot of sense when you start looking at what you have lived through, what your lived experiences are.
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Like if you grew up in a house and your needs were ignored, they were laughed at, or they were treated like an inconvenience, you probably learned to stop saying them out loud, truly.
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Or if you were parentified, meaning you were required to manage adult emotions, raise your siblings, keep the peace, hold the family together.
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If you haven't looked at our family roles series of blogs, this can give you a little more information about that.
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But you learned that your job was to give support, but not to ever get support.
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And for those who have lived inside of coercive control, someone may have taken your independence, turned it into dependence, and then sharpened it into a weapon to keep you.
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They controlled the money, then they called you irresponsible with it.
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I had a client once that was absolutely brilliant and an absolutely fantastic mathematician.
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We would talk about different things and she would just calculate stuff in her head.
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And she told me, Oh yeah, like my husband told me I can't manage money and that I just don't have what it takes to do the math for it.
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And I was like, I'm sorry, what was that?
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But the abuser had been very convincing and had talked this brilliant mind into believing she was not brilliant.
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Coercive control will cut you off from your friends and then tell you that nobody cares about you anyway.
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Coercive control offers to take care of everything, and then you lose access to accounts, the car, the doctor's appointments, any health decisions, all kinds of information.
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They did favors for you potentially, and then decided that there was a price to pay for them.
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All kinds of places show up there, and none of that is real support from another human.
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That is honestly manipulative kindness.
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If you haven't watched or listened to that episode, I would encourage you to do that.
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It's it's wicked, it's an effort to keep you trapped.
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And essentially it's leverage pretending to be help or care or kindness, and it's none of those things.
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So once you've lived through those things, your nervous system learns like, hey, if I receive anything, that equals owing someone something, or I'm not worthy of showing up for anyway.
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So if somebody buys you lunch, then you're already like doing the math.
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You know, you either feel like you don't deserve it to begin with, it's not worthy of doing, why would anybody show up?
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Or you are expecting, like, hey, and now here's what you owe me in return.
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So if someone offers to drive you to an appointment, then part of you is essentially waiting for the invoice.
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It's a real tit for tat kind of thing.
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And so sometimes you'll pull away from people right after they've been kind to you.
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Not because they did something wrong, but because being seen and cared for feels honestly really vulnerable and like you're standing outside naked in the street.
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Hey, I want to take a quick pause in our episode and tell you about a super helpful tool.
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We've launched the Transformational Topics Community.
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This is where we take conversations like the one you're listening to right now, and we actually turn them into life change, real life change.
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Inside, you'll get deeper teaching through a private podcast right on your favorite podcast platform.
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You'll get practical resources that you can actually use served up to your email, and you'll have the space to engage, not just consume.
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We'll also gather for quarterly Zoom calls so you're not doing this work in isolation.
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You're supported, guided, and growing alongside others who are on a similar path.
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Because healing isn't just about understanding your story, it's also about learning how to live differently inside of it.
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If you are ready for that next step, the link is in the show notes.
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And we can't wait to welcome you to the community.
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All right, back to the episode.
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I've had so many clients say basically that to me.
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I feel like I'm just standing around naked.
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If I allow anybody to do anything for me, it feels so vulnerable and so very dangerous.
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So if that's your story, you're not being difficult, you're not being crazy or ungrateful or any of those things, you're not bad at friendship.
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You have just learned that there are people in this world that are not kind and will do horrible things.
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And so learning to allow yourself to be vulnerable is actually something that is a learned skill after having traumatic experiences, right?
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So if your body learned to expect a bill, basically, or expect people to just fail you.
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And look, I'm not saying everybody in your life that is healthy is gonna get it right all the time.
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We have failures in friendships, we have ruptures that we have to work through.
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I've talked about that so many times on Hey Tabby.
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However, there are people who are overall reliable and who are not going to do that to you.
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And we have to teach ourselves, like, hey, I can enter in.
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And honestly, sometimes that fear extends to God because we're like, are you gonna be like everybody else?
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This person, like maybe it was a pastor or your parent or your spouse that was a pastor or something, says, you know, hey, like I speak on behalf of God, and this is what he says to you.
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And it really distorts stuff.
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And if you had parents that were neglectful or unkind when you were a child, then you know, there may have been situations where you're like, this person speaks for God.
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How can I even trust God?
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And that can be a really hard place.
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When you've heard these things from people who have positions of authority, it really does indelibly kind of etch into your soul.
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The good news is this actually can be fixed, which is what we are talking about.
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You can heal and you can grow and all of these things.
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And so, you know, learning how to enter back in and ask for help when you need it and not just default to hyperindependence is just an area of healing, right?
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And, you know, there is wisdom at times to saying, I'm just gonna take care of it.
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And there are times when that's really not the best idea, right?
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There are seasons when limiting what you share or protecting assets or being selective about who knows what and all of that stuff is really wise.
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And so what we're not asking you to do as we work on hyperindependence is check your discernment at the door.
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I am a big fan of discernment.
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What we don't want to do is constantly live in hyper-vigilance or that constant waiting for the other shoe to drop or be thrown at you, which can be hard if you've been through that before.
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But we want to have a very flexible and appropriate and nuanced discernment so that we know, you know, what is the right step here to the best of our ability.
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And again, nobody's perfect, right?
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So agency in this place is being able to choose, right?
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So if we are operating just out of hyperindependence, that's believing you're only safe if I do it myself.
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Right.
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Whereas true agency is I can look at all the data points and decide if this is something that is wise for me in this moment and being okay if it's not perfect, right?
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It doesn't have to be the most perfect thing.
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So freedom really does let you say, I've got this.
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And freedom also lets you say, I'd like some help with this, or hey, would you be able to help me out?
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Freedom lets you say, I love your input, but I'm still gonna make the final choice, right?
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So we can have that nuance and kind of walk in that middle path from that place of agency.
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And agency is something that God has given us.
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Basically, it lets you receive care without handing over control, or it lets you collaborate without your own self disappearing, and it lets you lean on somebody in one area without becoming powerless, right?
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So, like I have a lot of agency and autonomy with the people in my life.
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I can ask for help or not ask for help.
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I can say, okay, that was great advice.
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I think I'm gonna do something like this, and it might not be exactly what they gave me in terms of advice.
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Like all of those things can be part of this.
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Hyperindependence can be a little bit sneaky and look like agency because nobody else is running your life, right?
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Like I'm making all the choices, I'm calling all the shots.
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But when you really look at your options, there's only one.
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I do it myself, right?
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So if I need rest or I need support, then I don't ask for it because I got to do it myself.
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I might want to be known, but letting somebody close just feels like a risk you can't take.
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And there's that feeling they're gonna let you down anyway, right?
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Maybe you need professional support, like a coach or a counselor, and you wait until it's a crisis because you think you should be able to handle it.
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As a licensed mental health professional, we love it when you come when your hair is not on fire.
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And we can help you build from that point, right?
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Now, look, if you are in crisis, I want you to reach out.
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I want you to step in and get help for sure.
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And with, you know, all of these things, like no matter where you're at, like I am not trying to shame you.
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But if you're able to do something before it's a crisis situation, that's also really good too.
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You want a relationship where care moves both directions, right?
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And you keep ending up with people who are comfortably receiving, if we're thinking about like intimate partner relationships.
00:21:40.360 --> 00:21:48.120
When we learn to pick up everything automatically, then we sometimes end up around people who are very cool with letting you do that.
00:21:48.360 --> 00:21:49.720
And that's not your fault.
00:21:49.799 --> 00:21:57.240
You didn't cause this in that, but survivor patterns do shape what we kind of fall into at times.
00:21:57.480 --> 00:22:05.640
So we want to be aware when we are in our relationships, the only capable one, the dependable one, the one that's low maintenance.
00:22:05.720 --> 00:22:08.680
And look, I've said this, I am a low pressure friend.
00:22:08.920 --> 00:22:16.599
What that really meant was I was afraid to ask for anything that I needed and afraid to say, hey, would you help me with this?
00:22:16.759 --> 00:22:17.880
Honestly, right?
00:22:18.360 --> 00:22:20.839
And there's so much there, right?
00:22:20.920 --> 00:22:27.160
That it ends up costing you because ultimately your nervous system and your body pay the cost.
00:22:27.640 --> 00:22:29.640
Hyperindependence is exhausting.
00:22:29.720 --> 00:22:32.360
And not just because there's an endless task list, right?
00:22:32.440 --> 00:22:41.400
Like, like we're gonna have task lists in life that happens, but it gets exhausting because we carry the belief that if I put something down, nobody else will pick it up.
00:22:41.559 --> 00:22:43.480
Like I'm just gonna be left high and dry.
00:22:43.640 --> 00:22:46.759
There's so much pressure in that space.
00:22:47.160 --> 00:22:49.480
You cannot rest while someone else is still working, right?
00:22:49.559 --> 00:22:52.920
Like you can't even say, like, yeah, my body just needs to sit down.
00:22:53.079 --> 00:23:02.599
I've worked with so many clients around this because their coercive controller, if they sat down for a minute, would just berate them and be so stinking awful to them.
00:23:02.839 --> 00:23:08.759
And so when they're healing, it almost feels like, man, if I'm not doing all the things, I'm gonna be in trouble.
00:23:09.000 --> 00:23:13.319
And so, like having a retooling of that is really helpful and healing.
00:23:13.640 --> 00:23:19.400
I remember one of my clients once telling me, like, I took a nap on the couch and I didn't feel bad about it.
00:23:19.640 --> 00:23:24.279
And that was like so glorious because that was actually a sign of healing.
00:23:24.440 --> 00:23:28.039
It was a sign of this individual saying, like, I can do this.
00:23:28.200 --> 00:23:31.559
It's okay to rest when my body needs rest, which is awesome.
00:23:31.640 --> 00:23:35.079
And that did not make this person not a hard worker.
00:23:35.240 --> 00:23:37.880
They were still an incredibly hard worker.
00:23:38.200 --> 00:23:43.960
They just knew when to have limits and when to use those limits and to trust their body.
00:23:44.120 --> 00:23:45.880
And it was amazing.
00:23:47.480 --> 00:23:52.759
And it also keeps us then from being resentful, even when you turn down help, right?
00:23:52.839 --> 00:24:02.440
So, and this can be super confusing for people because, like, how can I be angry about carrying everything when I don't let anyone else carry anything?
00:24:02.759 --> 00:24:06.839
And like, that's because none of us actually want to be overwhelmed.
00:24:07.000 --> 00:24:08.920
We want people to show up.
00:24:09.240 --> 00:24:10.920
I've said this time and time again.
00:24:11.160 --> 00:24:17.400
Neuropsychiatrist Kurt Thompson says we come into the world looking for someone, looking for us.
00:24:17.799 --> 00:24:19.000
And we want that.
00:24:19.160 --> 00:24:27.079
We want to live this life with other people in so many ways, but traumatic experiences have made it so it doesn't feel like we can.
00:24:27.400 --> 00:24:31.000
There's a part of you that wants somebody to notice without being asked.
00:24:31.079 --> 00:24:35.559
There's a part of you that is really braced for disappointment when they won't.
00:24:35.880 --> 00:24:47.960
There's a part of you that wants to hand something over and really wants that help, and part of you that is so afraid that letting go of that task or that thing means letting go of safety.
00:24:48.120 --> 00:24:51.160
And that's not an irrational like way of thought.
00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:54.599
Like you've had some data that maybe said that to you.
00:24:54.759 --> 00:24:57.799
And there's this idea of like, I can't keep doing all of this.
00:24:57.880 --> 00:25:02.039
And then the one that's right next to it is, and I can't afford to get hurt again.
00:25:02.279 --> 00:25:04.039
So both of these things are true.
00:25:04.120 --> 00:25:08.200
And I want you to give yourself some compassion for standing in that.
00:25:09.079 --> 00:25:13.240
When you have spent years shrinking from your needs, you might not know.
00:25:13.720 --> 00:25:15.720
What you need until you're already empty.
00:25:15.799 --> 00:25:17.640
This is another aspect of it, right?
00:25:17.799 --> 00:25:22.440
So you're so used to burning yourself out that you have no idea what you might need.
00:25:22.759 --> 00:25:25.240
So somebody might ask you, Hey, what can I do?
00:25:25.319 --> 00:25:26.120
How can I help?
00:25:26.279 --> 00:25:28.039
And you literally don't know.
00:25:28.200 --> 00:25:36.360
And it's not because there's nothing, it's because noticing it was never safe or asking for help wasn't useful, or you were just let down time and time again.
00:25:36.519 --> 00:25:43.079
So you were kind of trained to not do that and to kind of keep an eye on what everybody else needs instead.
00:25:43.319 --> 00:25:46.599
So when somebody actually asks you, like, what do you need?
00:25:46.759 --> 00:25:49.160
It can be really, really tough.
00:25:49.880 --> 00:25:58.839
And, you know, one of the things that I see a lot, even just in the therapy room with me, is when I say something like, What would you like to talk about today?
00:25:58.920 --> 00:26:01.160
Or what did you come in hoping to work on?
00:26:01.400 --> 00:26:07.319
And a lot of my trauma survivors just kind of look at me blankly and they're like, I don't know.
00:26:07.559 --> 00:26:08.519
I don't know.
00:26:08.759 --> 00:26:14.839
And I've actually had that happen in my own therapy when my own therapist has asked me that and I'm like, I don't know, right?
00:26:15.000 --> 00:26:19.319
And it's not that there's not things to work on, there's 100% things to work on.
00:26:19.559 --> 00:26:29.000
However, we don't always know what they are because saying I have a need or knowing what's going on inside just isn't something that we have honed yet.
00:26:29.319 --> 00:26:35.640
And so, you know, that is just knowing that there's a skill there for us to learn.
00:26:35.880 --> 00:26:44.519
And also sometimes we think that if we name a need, then that means we're demanding that this other person meet it, which isn't true.
00:26:44.680 --> 00:26:49.720
It's okay to say, hey, I have a need in someone to say to you, oh my gosh, that is so hard.
00:26:49.799 --> 00:26:56.440
And I'm sorry, I can't help you, but I can pray for you or I can do these other things or what have you, that are still appropriate, right?
00:26:56.599 --> 00:26:58.279
A need is just information.
00:26:58.519 --> 00:26:59.640
That's all that it is.
00:26:59.799 --> 00:27:05.400
And you can notice that you need rest and not ask somebody else to rearrange their life.
00:27:05.720 --> 00:27:10.839
You can know that you need help and still be really mindful about who you ask and when you ask.
00:27:11.160 --> 00:27:20.279
You can absolutely desire some company and want to hang out with some people and not like invite every person you've ever met on the face of the earth to come and hang out with you, right?
00:27:20.440 --> 00:27:26.120
You can need support and still turn down support that isn't actually helpful, right?
00:27:26.279 --> 00:27:39.720
I hear this a lot from like those folks who have like in-laws and it's, you know, you like ask for something and they buy you something completely not helpful, and you're like, that that wasn't what I needed, but thank you, you know?
00:27:39.880 --> 00:27:44.120
And so maybe you turn it down and it's not because that other person is wicked.
00:27:44.200 --> 00:27:46.440
It's just sometimes people think what they think.
00:27:46.759 --> 00:27:48.279
And there's that kind of thing.
00:27:48.519 --> 00:27:54.360
So, like, no matter where you are with it, we're not sacrificing agency in any way.
00:27:54.599 --> 00:28:03.799
We're just learning how to really have deeper relationships and not feel like that we have to do it all by ourselves and all alone all the time.
00:28:04.200 --> 00:28:08.920
You know, and help has been used against you, just learning to trust people kind of is stupid advice.
00:28:09.079 --> 00:28:10.200
Let's be honest, right?
00:28:10.440 --> 00:28:12.039
It's actually worse than useless.
00:28:12.200 --> 00:28:13.000
It can be unsafe.
00:28:13.160 --> 00:28:17.079
Like we're not just going out there and trusting willy-nilly, right?
00:28:17.240 --> 00:28:18.599
Trust responds to evidence.
00:28:18.759 --> 00:28:20.920
Someone has to prove that they are trustworthy.
00:28:21.240 --> 00:28:28.279
So we don't always, you know, just look at like who is kind, but who is solid, right?
00:28:28.360 --> 00:28:32.440
Who is reliable and trustworthy and is a person of their word.
00:28:32.599 --> 00:28:36.200
I really like Brene Brown's braving acronym for this.
00:28:36.440 --> 00:28:42.519
And I will link her information in the description to this episode so you can go take a look at it.
00:28:42.759 --> 00:28:45.640
But there is a reliability, you know, in there.
00:28:45.720 --> 00:28:49.559
That's the R in braving, is being reliable, being a person of your word.
00:28:49.799 --> 00:28:58.519
And, you know, the anatomy of trust that Brene Brown talks about, I think is just a very helpful framework if you are learning uh to trust again.
00:28:58.839 --> 00:29:05.640
And if you're interested in me taking a deep dive on the anatomy of trust in an episode, I'd be happy to walk through that.
00:29:05.720 --> 00:29:11.079
And I would be happy to walk through it from the recovery from coercive control perspective.
00:29:11.240 --> 00:29:19.400
It's a little bit more nuanced and a slightly different take than she has on her website and just how I tend to apply it with clients.
00:29:19.480 --> 00:29:26.039
So if that's helpful, definitely drop a comment or you know, shoot a response or something like that to this.
00:29:26.279 --> 00:29:31.400
And I can certainly help you with that and we can do a deeper dive here together.
00:29:31.720 --> 00:29:35.880
The bottom line here though is that safe support doesn't need you to get smaller.
00:29:36.039 --> 00:29:44.039
It doesn't make you like, it doesn't make your know more expensive or costly.
00:29:44.519 --> 00:29:47.799
It doesn't create some sort of agreement in in some way, right?
00:29:48.039 --> 00:29:55.160
Safe people can offer something and let you turn it down, and they can also offer it and actually mean it, like that they are gonna help you, right?
00:29:55.240 --> 00:29:59.160
They can care about you without becoming a controller of you.
00:29:59.400 --> 00:30:03.319
They can have an opinion without requiring that you accept their opinion, right?
00:30:03.400 --> 00:30:04.599
There's all kinds of stuff.
00:30:04.759 --> 00:30:10.839
When people are really safe and are healthy people, they really do let you be you.
00:30:11.000 --> 00:30:15.400
And and there is a tolerance for like the messy as you figure it out.
00:30:15.799 --> 00:30:20.360
And that's a really important thing to really think about.
00:30:21.000 --> 00:30:27.559
I I want to address our listeners that are people of faith, and this can be really complicated sometimes.
00:30:27.880 --> 00:30:31.559
Some of us were taught that needing help means that we have a weak faith.
00:30:31.720 --> 00:30:39.079
Others were pressured into an unsafe community that was told that submitting no matter what was spiritual maturity.
00:30:39.640 --> 00:30:44.519
Neither one of them leaves the room for ordinary, normal humans and being healthy.
00:30:44.759 --> 00:30:48.200
Scripture doesn't describe self-sufficient machines, right?
00:30:48.279 --> 00:30:50.599
We are created for community by community.
00:30:50.759 --> 00:30:55.079
We are embodied, limited, relational people, and God made us that way, right?
00:30:55.319 --> 00:31:01.400
Galatians 6 really helps us hold two things at once carry each other's burdens and carry your own load.
00:31:01.720 --> 00:31:03.160
That's wild, right?
00:31:03.799 --> 00:31:09.000
We are not asking someone to take over our life, and we are also in this together.
00:31:09.160 --> 00:31:14.120
So mutuality doesn't mean that one person does all the work and the other watches.
00:31:14.279 --> 00:31:16.680
It means that we do it together in a lot of ways.
00:31:17.000 --> 00:31:22.599
And personal responsibility doesn't mean that you have to do it all alone either.
00:31:23.079 --> 00:31:28.680
Christian community doesn't entitle anybody to your private information, your trust, or your vulnerability.
00:31:28.920 --> 00:31:30.759
Jesus himself received care.
00:31:30.920 --> 00:31:35.319
He ate at other people's tables, he traveled with friends, he asked people to stay close.
00:31:35.480 --> 00:31:38.360
When he was in anguish, he said, you know, can you pray with me?
00:31:38.519 --> 00:31:40.839
There were also times when he withdrew, right?
00:31:40.920 --> 00:31:48.759
He went off by himself to pray, he set limits, he disappointed people's expectations, and he didn't give everybody the same access to him.
00:31:49.400 --> 00:31:53.000
Receiving and having boundaries are not opposites.
00:31:53.079 --> 00:31:56.360
They are part of an overall healthy way of being.
00:31:56.599 --> 00:32:04.440
Dependence on God is never a reason to pressure someone into dependence on an unsafe person or an unsafe institution.
00:32:04.599 --> 00:32:06.039
That is not discipleship.
00:32:06.200 --> 00:32:09.079
That is a tool for control, and we do not do that here.
00:32:09.640 --> 00:32:15.559
You know, sometimes faith looks like letting yourself be held, and sometimes it looks like walking out of the room, right?
00:32:15.640 --> 00:32:17.160
We saw Jesus do both.
00:32:17.400 --> 00:32:22.360
Sometimes faith is asking for help, and sometimes faith is saying this help is not safe help.
00:32:22.839 --> 00:32:29.720
Wisdom and discernment again are gonna show us where we're at and what we need to learn and grow in in that way.
00:32:29.799 --> 00:32:35.799
And again, like it doesn't have to be perfect, it can be a little bit messy in all of that.
00:32:36.680 --> 00:32:44.839
So if you're living in coercive control right now, I don't want you to just go practice a bunch of vulnerability with the person that is coercively controlling you.
00:32:45.079 --> 00:32:46.759
Your caution is wise.
00:32:46.920 --> 00:32:51.960
There is a book called The Gift of Fear by a guy named Gavin, I believe it's Gavin de Becker.
00:32:52.680 --> 00:32:58.279
And you want to, you know, be mindful of that if you're in an unsafe situation.
00:32:58.440 --> 00:33:00.200
And setting boundaries can be dangerous.
00:33:00.279 --> 00:33:02.440
So you just want to be really, really careful with that.
00:33:02.519 --> 00:33:09.880
If you need help, I encourage you to reach out or to reach out to a domestic violence hotline or things like that.
00:33:10.039 --> 00:33:12.599
Find a support group, but be really mindful.
00:33:12.759 --> 00:33:20.279
You do not have to disclose more, you do not have to confront anyone, you don't have to start depending on someone that's not safe or try to figure it out right now.
00:33:20.440 --> 00:33:24.759
You can really just be careful and take the next best step.
00:33:24.839 --> 00:33:33.319
So maybe that is a trained domestic abuse or coercive control advocate, a therapist, an attorney, someone who really gets it and can walk with you.
00:33:33.960 --> 00:33:37.480
So our question here isn't how do I become less independent?
00:33:37.640 --> 00:33:44.839
But the real question of this episode is how do I build support in a way that keeps me safe and helps me keep my choices?
00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:48.599
How do I learn how to like let help in, essentially?
00:33:49.400 --> 00:33:56.519
So if you're in a place where experimenting with support is reasonably safe, you don't have to start in the most tender place, okay?
00:33:56.920 --> 00:33:58.839
You do not have to just tell your whole story.
00:33:58.920 --> 00:34:03.559
You don't have to like make this some dramatic leap or jump into the void or whatever.
00:34:03.640 --> 00:34:05.400
You can start super small.
00:34:05.640 --> 00:34:08.119
First of all, find what you actually believe.
00:34:08.279 --> 00:34:11.319
What is the rule that you have made for yourself here?
00:34:11.719 --> 00:34:19.239
Next time I've got it comes out of your mouth, before you actually think about it, stop and ask, what would happen if I said yes to some help here?
00:34:19.319 --> 00:34:20.599
What would that look like?
00:34:20.920 --> 00:34:30.440
You might think that there are some pretty negative things that people would believe, like, oh, they'll think I can't handle it or they'll be disappointed or I'm weak or whatever.
00:34:30.599 --> 00:34:32.039
You know, they'll think I'm too much.
00:34:32.199 --> 00:34:33.639
I hear that so often.
00:34:33.799 --> 00:34:38.039
Like the biggest B word in the practice that we say is burden.
00:34:38.199 --> 00:34:44.199
Because so many survivors of trauma come in and think about the fact that, oh, I must be a burden.
00:34:44.519 --> 00:34:48.839
And truly, very few times is that person actually a burden.
00:34:49.000 --> 00:34:51.319
They just have been talked into believing that.
00:34:51.559 --> 00:34:53.159
So you don't have to argue about that.
00:34:53.319 --> 00:34:56.519
If you find that coming up for you, just become curious about it.
00:34:56.759 --> 00:34:59.239
The belief has a history and you learned it somehow.
00:34:59.319 --> 00:35:00.360
So we want to explore that.
00:35:00.440 --> 00:35:01.719
We want to figure it out.
00:35:01.960 --> 00:35:07.719
Sometimes you can do this by journaling, like writing out, like depending on someone means what to me.
00:35:07.799 --> 00:35:09.000
And you fill in that blank.
00:35:09.400 --> 00:35:12.440
Or if people know I need help, they'll do what?
00:35:12.920 --> 00:35:16.039
When someone does something for me, I have to then do what?
00:35:16.840 --> 00:35:20.519
My job in relationships is to what?
00:35:21.240 --> 00:35:29.800
You're really listening for the rule that you've set for yourself and naming it really starts to help you ask, does this still fit for me now?
00:35:30.680 --> 00:35:34.760
You also then want to separate the task from your autonomy, right?
00:35:34.920 --> 00:35:38.039
Letting someone help you doesn't give them authority over your life.
00:35:38.360 --> 00:35:40.120
Could you bring dinner by on Tuesday?
00:35:40.280 --> 00:35:42.280
Doesn't mean now you manage all of my meals.
00:35:42.360 --> 00:35:43.880
Like, that's insane, right?
00:35:44.280 --> 00:35:49.400
You can take someone to an appointment with you and you can still be the one to make decisions.
00:35:49.720 --> 00:36:02.840
This is something that I see a lot when people are like, I really want someone to go with me to talk to my attorney or to go with me to a doctor's appointment or something like that that we know is gonna have some heavy information.
00:36:03.079 --> 00:36:04.920
Um, and there's a lot of fear there.
00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:06.680
And it's like, how would anyone even want to help?
00:36:06.760 --> 00:36:08.120
And a lot of people actually do.
00:36:08.280 --> 00:36:11.320
And that doesn't mean that they make your medical decisions for you, right?
00:36:11.559 --> 00:36:17.320
You can also ask someone for their feedback and thoughts without promising to take it hook, line, and sinker.
00:36:17.480 --> 00:36:23.400
You can let a friend watch your kids without giving them unlimited access to your life and family, right?
00:36:24.599 --> 00:36:28.920
And you can always build the boundary into how you ask for it.
00:36:29.160 --> 00:36:32.360
Hey, I would love your perspective, but I'm not ready for advice yet.
00:36:32.440 --> 00:36:33.480
I just want to hear you.
00:36:33.800 --> 00:36:35.079
Could you help me with this thing?
00:36:35.160 --> 00:36:38.280
I'm handling the rest, but I really need help with this one thing.
00:36:38.599 --> 00:36:42.680
I really want you to come with me, but I'll answer questions for myself.
00:36:42.840 --> 00:36:43.160
Right?
00:36:43.400 --> 00:36:46.680
Safe people are not gonna ask you to trade authority for their support.
00:36:46.840 --> 00:36:48.039
They just aren't.
00:36:48.360 --> 00:36:51.640
The next thing you can do is run a micro experiment.
00:36:51.880 --> 00:36:55.320
So pick something specific that is small and low stakes, right?
00:36:55.480 --> 00:36:57.480
Does not have to, again, be the biggest thing ever.
00:36:57.720 --> 00:37:07.160
Ask somebody to grab something at the store for you, ask a friend to sit with you while you make a hard phone call, or send a paragraph for feedback instead of asking for help with the whole thing, right?
00:37:07.320 --> 00:37:12.840
Okay, I don't need you to fix it, but I'd love 10 minutes of just your company and some thoughts, right?
00:37:13.000 --> 00:37:14.360
And then pay attention.
00:37:14.519 --> 00:37:16.120
How does that person respond?
00:37:16.280 --> 00:37:20.280
What did your body do before, during, and after the interaction?
00:37:20.599 --> 00:37:22.920
Did you feel like you needed to repay them immediately?
00:37:23.079 --> 00:37:25.800
Did you apologize 748 times?
00:37:26.039 --> 00:37:30.199
Did you start hunting for evidence that they regretted even helping you?
00:37:30.519 --> 00:37:33.639
You're not necessarily trying to feel relaxed yet.
00:37:33.960 --> 00:37:35.880
You're gathering more data, right?
00:37:36.199 --> 00:37:41.240
You are just doing this little by little and changing those neuropathways.
00:37:41.639 --> 00:37:44.039
Can also build tiers of access.
00:37:44.199 --> 00:37:46.840
Not everybody has to be in the same circle.
00:37:46.920 --> 00:37:49.079
And safe is not a yes or no question, right?
00:37:49.159 --> 00:37:51.480
It's like safe enough for this or that or whatever.
00:37:51.719 --> 00:38:00.599
One of the things I've done with a number of clients over the years is have them get a hula hoop and remind them that they get to decide who stands in their hula hoop and does not.
00:38:00.760 --> 00:38:05.079
So people can be various distances from the outside of the hula hoop.
00:38:05.240 --> 00:38:10.599
Some people might be inside the hula hoop, but against the back edge, where you're standing in the hula hoop can change.
00:38:10.760 --> 00:38:16.920
And so this gives you an idea of just like who can be in your inner circle and not, right?
00:38:17.159 --> 00:38:23.800
So outer ring people, people who are not in your hula hoop are people who are fine for like practical, low-risk things.
00:38:23.960 --> 00:38:32.119
The people who are closer in, maybe inside of your hula hoop, those are people who've shown you over time that they are reliable, respectful, and trustworthy.
00:38:32.280 --> 00:38:37.079
And the people who can be right next to you in the hula hoop, those are ones that are your besties, right?
00:38:37.159 --> 00:38:39.639
They can hold something tender without taking over.
00:38:39.880 --> 00:38:42.360
They have proven themselves trustworthy over time.
00:38:42.519 --> 00:38:44.360
Like they are your people, right?
00:38:44.519 --> 00:38:46.519
Sometimes we call them our tribe.
00:38:46.840 --> 00:38:54.679
And professionals often, by the way, sit in their own category because we're kind of like in a hula hoop in the hula hoop with you, but we're like not really your besties.
00:38:54.760 --> 00:38:55.400
Do you know what I mean?
00:38:55.480 --> 00:39:00.760
Like we have our own special relationship, but it should still be trustworthy and boundaried.
00:39:01.880 --> 00:39:06.920
So now the question we're asking is a little bit more nuanced than just safe or unsafe.
00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:15.880
We're saying, what kind of access should this person have to me based on their level of closeness and trustworthiness to me over time?
00:39:16.440 --> 00:39:23.800
So someone can be safe enough to bring you soup, but does not need to hear about all of your inner workings and your therapy appointments, right?
00:39:23.960 --> 00:39:28.440
So those things can be a place where you get to then have discernment.
00:39:28.679 --> 00:39:38.199
And sometimes you're gonna move people in and out of areas of your hula hoop based on time and learning about them and experiences.
00:39:39.639 --> 00:39:42.360
So the next thing is let your thank you be enough.
00:39:42.440 --> 00:39:48.199
And this is so hard for people who often apologize for just breathing, basically.
00:39:48.440 --> 00:39:54.519
When someone offers to help freely and it's appropriate, and you're gonna say yes to it, just thank you is the entire response.
00:39:54.760 --> 00:39:56.360
You don't have to prove that you're not a burden.
00:39:56.440 --> 00:40:02.039
You don't have to give 786 different reasons why it's really okay to help you out.
00:40:02.280 --> 00:40:08.280
You don't have to, you know, like turn it into a speech about how grateful you are or anything like that.
00:40:08.440 --> 00:40:09.079
Just thank you.
00:40:09.159 --> 00:40:11.480
I'm so grateful for you is enough.
00:40:12.280 --> 00:40:21.480
And if being cared for brings up shame for you or suspicion or grief or tears, be gentle to yourself and notice that too.
00:40:22.199 --> 00:40:29.400
Honestly, sometimes kindness, real kindness, hurts because it shows you what you have been missing and what you should have had all along.
00:40:29.559 --> 00:40:31.480
And that brings up grief.
00:40:32.039 --> 00:40:37.320
That is an opportunity for lament, and lament can be really healing.
00:40:38.039 --> 00:40:40.519
Next, keep it consensual on both ends.
00:40:40.679 --> 00:40:43.960
You're allowed to ask, and people are also allowed to say no.
00:40:44.199 --> 00:40:49.800
And that doesn't mean that they are mean people, they just also get to have limits, and sometimes they can't say yes.
00:40:49.880 --> 00:40:51.000
It's totally fine, right?
00:40:51.159 --> 00:40:56.199
If I were to call up one of my friends here in the middle of the day and then say, Hey, can you help me?
00:40:56.280 --> 00:40:58.760
And I know they're at work, the answer is gonna be no.
00:40:59.000 --> 00:41:05.559
And they might be like, hey, I can help on a different day, or I can help after work or whatever, but it doesn't mean that they don't care.
00:41:06.039 --> 00:41:11.719
Hyperindependence tries to protect you from hearing no because it doesn't feel safe or good.
00:41:11.960 --> 00:41:14.280
But a healthy no isn't abandonment, right?
00:41:14.360 --> 00:41:16.119
It's just a healthy relationship.
00:41:16.360 --> 00:41:24.679
Again, you might hear, well, I can't do it today, but maybe on Thursday or whatever, or I don't have capacity for this thing, but hey, I can sit with you for this thing.
00:41:24.920 --> 00:41:29.559
Or like, hey, I love you so much, but I'm not the right person for this particular thing.
00:41:29.880 --> 00:41:32.519
Mutuality means consent on both sides.
00:41:32.599 --> 00:41:36.760
And that's exactly what makes this different from control, both for you and for them.
00:41:37.960 --> 00:41:42.119
So, look, the opposite of hyperindependence is not helplessness.
00:41:42.280 --> 00:41:51.000
It's not giving up your competence, it is not handing yourself over to whomever, it's not like, you know, being left high and dry.
00:41:51.079 --> 00:41:52.840
Like there's so many things that it's not.
00:41:53.159 --> 00:41:56.119
It's real interdependence.
00:41:56.199 --> 00:41:57.880
That's the picture of health.
00:41:58.119 --> 00:42:02.920
Staying a whole person while you're in relationships where you can move in more than one direction, right?
00:42:03.000 --> 00:42:09.320
You still have your skills, you still have your decisions, you make your boundaries, but you don't have to do it all alone, right?
00:42:09.960 --> 00:42:17.719
And honestly, like today's first step, if this is kind of a new concept for you, isn't necessarily even asking anyone for anything.
00:42:17.880 --> 00:42:23.320
It's maybe just noticing, like, how no, I'm fine comes out and how often it comes out.
00:42:23.559 --> 00:42:28.679
Maybe it's writing down the name of one person who has really proven themselves trustworthy.
00:42:28.840 --> 00:42:32.440
Maybe it's telling your therapist, I do not know how to feel care.
00:42:32.599 --> 00:42:34.920
I don't know how to respond to kindness.
00:42:35.079 --> 00:42:36.519
It kind of is freaking me out.
00:42:36.760 --> 00:42:37.960
Freaking me out, man.
00:42:38.199 --> 00:42:38.599
Right?
00:42:38.760 --> 00:42:43.320
Maybe it's even telling God the truth, like I'm scared that you won't even be there for me.
00:42:43.559 --> 00:42:45.079
Like that's an honest prayer, right?
00:42:45.159 --> 00:42:47.719
Like you don't have to make it prettier than that at all.
00:42:48.039 --> 00:42:52.199
You know, God's like, I already knew, and I'm happy to talk to you about it, frankly.
00:42:52.519 --> 00:42:57.079
Look, if hyperindependence has kept you alive, we're not gonna rip it out of your hands.
00:42:57.400 --> 00:43:03.480
We can honor what it protected, and we can also move toward a healthy interdependence over time.
00:43:04.360 --> 00:43:12.760
Freedom isn't the absence of need, it's getting to choose who has access, when they have access, and what they have access to, right?
00:43:12.920 --> 00:43:19.559
And it's learning to ask for help when you need it and letting other people in and learning how to accept real kindness.
00:43:20.280 --> 00:43:25.559
If you saw yourself in today's conversation, counseling or coaching really could help you out.
00:43:25.880 --> 00:43:29.800
I would love to chat with you and see if our team is a good fit.
00:43:29.960 --> 00:43:41.240
Trauma-informed counseling and coaching can really help you work through the experiences that made needing people dangerous and understanding how these things still show up in your mind and body and how to move forward.
00:43:41.400 --> 00:43:47.719
Coaching in particular can help you practice the boundaries and discernment and the language so that you can move forward.
00:43:47.880 --> 00:43:50.760
And neither one of them requires you to be good at trusting just yet.
00:43:50.840 --> 00:43:54.599
You can just start with, I don't know what I'm doing and I need some help.
00:43:54.760 --> 00:43:56.199
It's a great place to be.
00:43:56.440 --> 00:44:01.400
If you want to find out whether or not counseling or coaching is a good fit for you, we would love for you to reach out.
00:44:01.559 --> 00:44:06.360
All the contact information for the journey and the process will be in the show notes.
00:44:06.599 --> 00:44:11.079
And we would love to give you a free 15-minute consultation to see if we can serve you.
00:44:11.320 --> 00:44:14.599
You don't have to hand over agency to get support.
00:44:14.920 --> 00:44:17.800
Good support helps you actually take your agency back.
00:44:18.199 --> 00:44:23.320
So I'm really glad that you were here for this week's episode of Hey Tabby.
00:44:23.480 --> 00:44:25.320
I hope that you found it helpful.
00:44:25.480 --> 00:44:30.039
I hope that this deep dive on hyperindependence was useful for you.
00:44:30.679 --> 00:44:37.559
And I'm really grateful that you take the time to listen or watch this particular podcast.
00:44:37.880 --> 00:44:42.440
If you love this podcast, first please send it to somebody that would be really helped by it.
00:44:42.519 --> 00:44:47.639
And also please take the time to rate and review it on your favorite podcast platforms.
00:44:47.719 --> 00:44:48.840
It really helps us out.
00:44:49.079 --> 00:44:54.039
If you are watching it on YouTube, if you would give it a like, that would be really, really helpful.
00:44:54.199 --> 00:44:59.400
That helps people find it, helps the algorithm get it into the right spots and the right hands.
00:44:59.639 --> 00:45:04.679
Thank you again for being here with me on Hey Tabby, and I look forward to seeing you next time.
00:45:05.559 --> 00:45:09.240
Thanks for joining me for today's episode of Hey Tabby.
00:45:09.559 --> 00:45:18.280
If you're looking for a resource that I mentioned in the show and you want to check out the show notes, head on over to tabithawestbrook.com forward slash hey tabby.
00:45:18.519 --> 00:45:22.280
That's H-E-Y-T-A-C-I, and you can grab it there.
00:45:22.440 --> 00:45:23.960
I look forward to seeing you next time.