Have Monster, Will Travel
Episode 13: QuackSquatch!
(A ski slope … in May. Up above, the whirring of a chairlift.)
TAIWAN
Render, it’s my turn.
RENDER
Hold on.
TAIWAN
You’re hogging them. I want to see the binoculars.
RENDER
What would you do with them?
TAIWAN
Umm … hello?
RENDER
I mean, what would you look thru them with?
(TAIWAN taps the glass of his monitor.)
Here.
I do not understand your physiology.
TAIWAN
Hold me up, I can’t see.
RENDER
Alright, hold on.
(RENDER picks up TAIWAN 1000.)
TAIWAN
Crypto-Curious, today we are an unusual sight hidden amongst yet another unusual sight.
RENDER
Are you doing the intro?
TAIWAN
I don’t ever get to do the intro.
RENDER
No, keep going, you’re doing great. That was a solid opener.
TAIWAN
Normally, this vista offers a crisp and chilly panorama of thick snow and long slopes, of missing gloves and frozen snot-cicles - but today! - as Memorial Day approaches, and Summer hits its snooze button for a final time, this windswept crag is transformed into a boulder-flecked playground of hiking trails and selfie stations, all beneath a circling network of active chair lifts.
RENDER
Ok, can I just say, wow. I mean, truly impressive. I think my heart is racing, a little.
TAIWAN
Welcome, Crypto-Curious to the “Your GPS doesn’t work out here anyway Ski Resort:” four chair lifts, all leading up to the tippy-top where you’ll find not only a quaint ski lodge, but a gondola ready to whisk you away to the next peak.
It’s the Great Outdoors, it’s an All-Season Adventure. It’s the perfect spot for a pair of daring, chiseled monsters and some gross-gross lady to set … a trap.
Hey! She’s waving. It’s starting.
(The bottom of the mountain. A ski lift.)
SOME TEEN
Okay, next pair step forward.
BUNION
Oh. It’s just me!
SOME TEEN
Lift ticket.
BUNION
Sorry. It’s in my bag, one second.
SOME TEEN
It’s supposed to be visible the entire time, sir. That’s why we make it a sticker.
BUNION
It might have fallen to the bottom.
SOME TEEN
Step to the side, you’ll catch the next chair.
BUNION
Here it is!
SOME TEEN
Step forward. Watch for the back of the chair.
Come on forward, we’ve got room for one more.
RILEY
Hi, Eric.
BUNION
Riley!
SOME TEEN
And sit.
(Plop. Oof.)
BUNION
What are you doing here?
RILEY
Oh Eric, Eric, Eric.
SOME TEEN
Watch the bar.
BUNION
No, no! I want off.
SOME TEEN
Hold onto your possessions, don’t rock the chair lift, enjoy your ride.
RILEY
Thanks Landen!
SOME TEEN
It’s Camden.
ERIC
What are you doing here? Did you follow me?
RILEY
No, Eric - we didn’t follow you.
We led you here.
(meanwhile:)
RENDER
Pretty simple plan, all told:
TAIWAN
It was Render’s idea.
RENDER
Bunion, trapped in a chairlift with nowhere to go. All Riley has to do is drop the menagerie down to us. We make a break for the Safari while the they’re trapped heading up the mountain.
TAIWAN
Riley spent the last three days finding the fastest route down.
RENDER
She makes it back down and This-is-Us-a-Leavin’ with the Menagerie.
TAIWAN
And - to make sure Professor Bunion showed …
RENDER
Right. I made up a brand new monster and posted a bunch of sightings on -
(the chairlift.)
BUNION
eMonsterly.com - This was you?
RILEY
Uh-huh.
BUNION
I didn’t know you were on eMonsterly.
RILEY
I know you didn’t know that.
(BUNION pulls a sheet of paper from his bag.)
BUNION
“A trio of monsters living together as one organism.”
RILEY
Think about it …
BUNION
“A little one inside a middle one, the middle one inside the big one.”
RILEY
Uh-huh…
BUNION
Wings, talons, a shrieking call …
RILEY
It’s a turducken.
BUNION
You made this up?
I just spent so much money on this lift ticket.
RILEY
Oh, relax, Eric. It’s gonna be ok.
BUNION
It is?
RILEY
No … not really.
(RILEY lunges. BUNION yelps.)
(meanwhile:)
TAIWAN
Alright - they’re both coming up the mountain.
RENDER
Hey look! A glove.
TAIWAN
Render, pay attention.
RENDER
What? We’re just waiting. This is the easy part.
TAIWAN
I’m just saying - sometimes you get distracted.
RENDER
I do not.
This is a nice glove. Do you think we should keep it?
TAIWAN
What would you do with one glove?
RENDER
I don’t know. It would be the perfect holder if we had five nice sticks.
TAIWAN
Do you have five nice sticks?
RENDER
No.
TAIWAN
Ok, then.
RENDER
Doesn’t have to be sticks. It could be … utensils? A spoon, a knife, a fork ….
TAIWAN
Chopsticks?
RENDER
A pair of chopsticks. That’s perfect.
TAIWAN
This is why I say you get distracted.
RENDER
I’m putting it down. But one of these days, you’re gonna wish we had one of these.
(Nearby, a bush rustles.)
TAIWAN
Ok, they’re coming up. Maybe two minutes.
RENDER
Did you hear that?
TAIWAN
Come on, duck out of sight.
(And now, maybe … pecking.)
RENDER
Taiwan 1000, what is that?
TAIWAN
Stop it. Focus.
(a little amuse bouche of sound.)
RENDER
It’s like right next to us.
TAIWAN
Render, this is not the time.
(A monster hops out of the bushes. Squatch Squawk!)
RENDER
Are you seeing this!
(They stare at each other. Squatch Squawk!)
TAIWAN
What is that?
RENDER
It’s a turducken!
(THEME SONG.)
RILEY
Let go!
BUNION
No! You let go!
(Oh, the tugging! Oh, the wrenching! Oh, the grunting!)
Cut it out, you’re rocking the chair.
RILEY
Oh, do you not like it when the … CHAIR ROCKS!
(BUNION screams.)
(down below.)
RENDER
I mean … have you ever -
TAIWAN
Clearly I have never.
RENDER
You’re beautiful! I mean … you’re kind of an ugly turkey, but you’re wonderful.
[to TAIWAN:] See if they’ll eat a graham cracker.
(TAIWAN pops out a graham cracker. Squatch Squawk!)
RENDER / TAIWAN
Whoa!
TAIWAN
There’s a little duck head inside that turkey head.
RENDER
And a chicken head inside that duck head!
TAIWAN
See if they’ll eat the glove.
RENDER
Oh, come on - you can’t feed a wild animal a -
(Squatch Squawk! GULP!)
(RENDER and TAIWAN scream.)
RENDER (cont.)
Well … at least there weren’t any nice sticks in it.
(up top.)
BUNION
Ow! Cut it out!
RILEY
Well give it to me and I’ll quit.
Yow!
Did you just deadleg me? What are you, a middle school boy?!
BUNION
You kicked me in the shin first. Hey! Stop that.
RILEY
What’s wrong, Eric? Ticklish?
BUNION
No, I’m not, but don’t … Hey! AAAHHH!!!
(down below.)
RENDER
Do you think they’ll let me pet them?
TAIWAN
I think they’ll bite you … which would probably leave a fun mark. Like a spirograph.
RENDER
No way. You’re sweet, aren’t you?
(Squatch Squawk!)
(They scream.)
(BUNION’S bag hits the ground next to them.)
TAIWAN
Hey! Look, Bunion’s bag.
RENDER
Riley did it!
TAIWAN
Alright, let’s get out of here.
RENDER
Well, we can’t leave them here.
TAIWAN
What are you talking about?
RENDER
We can’t just walk away.
TAIWAN
Yes we can. We came for the Menagerie. We have the Menagerie. It’s time to get back to the Safari.
RENDER
And just leave them? What if a passing hiker finds them?
TAIWAN
Well we can’t take them with us.
RENDER
I mean …
TAIWAN
Ok. Think about how much a chicken poops.
RENDER
A lot.
TAIWAN
Think about how much a duck poops.
RENDER
A lot.
TAIWAN
Think about how much a turkey poops.
RENDER
Big ole question mark.
TAIWAN
And now amplify it. Riley isn’t going to let them live in the van.
RENDER
Ok - I’m not saying we let them live with us, which would probably be really cool. I’m just saying we transport them to somewhere more remote.
I mean, look how helpless they look.
TAIWAN
Wait … where’d they go?
Oh! Hey! Get away from there.
RENDER
No no no, little buddy, that’s not for you. That’s our bag.
TAIWAN
Oo! Don’t peck at that.
RENDER
Oh! What’s this I have here? Probably food …
TAIWAN
Are you just rubbing your fingers together?
RENDER
What? It works on dogs. Come here, little fella.
(QUACKSQUATCH! Inhales BUNION’S bag in a single bite.)
RENDER / TAIWAN
No!
RENDER
They just swallowed the whole thing!
TAIWAN
How did it fit inside such a little body?
(QUACKSQUATCH! Coughs, dry heaves, and then … )
Blech - are they gonna vomit?
(GULP.)
RENDER
That’s bad.
(QUACKSQUATCH squawks, turns and runs off into the bushes.)
No no no!
TAIWAN
Wait, come back!
RENDER
What do we do?
TAIWAN
What do you mean, what do we do? We have to get that bag back. The Menagerie!
RENDER
Right …
Follow that bird!
Follow … those birds.
Follow … that … birds?
TAIWAN
Go!
(up top.)
BUNION
Oh, are you serious! My phone was in there.
RILEY
Did you get insurance on it?
BUNION
No.
RILEY
I’ll be honest, you should probably start getting the insurance.
BUNION
It’s gonna take me forever to get down there and find it.
RILEY
Are you serious? You’re not going to find it. That’s the whole point. The Menagerie is ours now. By the time you get off this mountain, we’ll be long gone.
BUNION
And how exactly do you plan on beating me down the mountain?
RILEY
You think you’re faster than me?
BUNION
I ran cross country in high school.
RILEY
Did you run in college?
BUNION
No.
RILEY
Do you run now?
BUNION
No.
RILEY
You think all that high school athleticism hung around?
BUNION
Maybe.
RILEY
Alright. Might be an exciting race. Of course, I don’t know how you’re gonna keep up WITHOUT YOUR SHOES!
(RILEY lunges for BUNION’S shoes.)
BUNION
Hey! Cut that out! Let go!
RILEY
Quit kicking!
BUNION
Stop it!
RILEY
Are you ticklish down here?
BUNION
No! WAAHHHH!
(RILEY tosses a pair of shoes.)
Oh, come on!
RILEY
That’s what you get for not tying your laces. Pff. Low top sneakers on a mountain - at your age - think about your ankles!
BUNION
You think you’re so clever.
RILEY
Yeah. I do.
BUNION
You’ve beaten me. You’ve got the Menagerie. But I know something you don’t. You haven’t won what you think you have.
I’ve been all thru that book. The Big Guy? He’s not in it.
RILEY
You’re just saying that.
BUNION
You’ll see.
And I bet you’ve started putting together what I have. I’ve combed thru every forum there is, called friends. No one’s ever heard of a Rubilee.
You know how bad your luck has to be when even Cryptozoologists don’t think you’re real?
RILEY
… Maybe that’s because you’re all hacks.
BUNION
If you say so.
Try and enjoy the victory today. Because I’m going to get my book back. And i’m going to capture the Big Guy. And when I introduce him to the world, I’m gonna get all the glory that’s been coming my way.
SOME TEEN
Arm up!
BUNION
Oh! Hey, Mom’s house key is in that bag!
RILEY
Eric! You’re supposed to put it back.
BUNION
I know that, Riley!
SOME TEEN
Lift the arm please!
Watch your step.
RILEY
See ya at the bottom, Professor Bunion.
SOME TEEN
This the guy?
RILEY
That’s him!
SOME TEEN
Sir, can you wait right there? I need to see a lift ticket.
BUNION
Are you serious?
RILEY
Thanks, Devin!
SOME TEEN
It’s Declan!
Everyone has to have a visible lift ticket. That’s why we made it a sticker.
BUNION
I have a lift ticket. How do you think I got on here?
SOME TEEN
Don’t know - that’s something you’re gonna have to settle back down at the bottom.
BUNION
Oh, come on!
(RENDER and TAIWAN, some distance away.)
(QUACKSQUATCH! Is pecking at something on the ground.)
RENDER
Hey! They’re over here!
Hi, little buddy. You were hard to find.
(TAIWAN ambles up, out of breath.)
You ok?
TAIWAN
Yeah, I’m fine, I just … feel like I’m dying a little bit.
RENDER
Oh. Do we need to blow our your fan again?
TAIWAN
No, it’s not that. I just got like a … killer cramp in my side.
RENDER
Yeah, I really don’t understand your physiology.
TAIWAN
How are you not dying? You had canned tamales for lunch.
RENDER
Just as a snack.
TAIWAN
I just need to sit down for a second. Render, why didn’t you carry me?
RENDER
Sorry, I panicked.
TAIWAN
So much running. Alright, I’m gonna rest here. I think it’s passing. Go! And get the Menagerie back!
RENDER
What do you mean get it back? Get it back how?
TAIWAN
You know … reach in.
RENDER
Reach in!
TAIWAN
Well what’s your idea: wring its neck, cut it open?
RENDER
Oo - don’t say that.
TAIWAN
Ok then … Reach in.
RENDER
You do it.
TAIWAN
Oh, that’s a good idea. I guess I was just thinking that the monster with the ACTUAL HAND would be better equipped.
RENDER
But I don’t want to get bit. You’ve got a metal casing.
TAIWAN
Hmm… Which one of us was swallowed most recently?
RENDER
Oh - if you’re gonna bring it back to that.
TAIWAN
I am bringing it back to that.
RENDER
Fine. I’ll reach in.
TAIWAN
Look, they swallowed that bag whole. You’re not going to hurt them. Just … open their mouth, reach in, grab the bag, yank it out.
RENDER
Hi there … Oh, no no! It’s ok. It’s ok - I’m not gonna hurt you.
[to TAIWAN:] Can you come over here?
TAIWAN
What for?
RENDER
I don’t know - moral support. Or in case I need help.
(TAIWAN walks over to RENDER and QUACKSQUATCH!)
TAIWAN
Do they look like they’ve gotten bigger to you?
RENDER
I don’t think so.
TAIWAN
They’re, like, taller than me now.
RENDER
You’re the same size. Calm down.
TAIWAN
Alright, now get in there, Tiger!
What? That was moral support.
RENDER
Yeesh.
Hi there. Can I pet you? Oh yeah, you like neck scratchies don’t you. That’s because everybody likes neck scratchies. Oh, right there? Right there?!
Ok, now we’re just gonna open up your little beak here. Oh! Hi there, Number 2! How are you today? You don’t mind if I peek at -
(QUACKSQUATCH! Swallows RENDER’S whole arn. RENDER and TAIWAN 1000 do not respond well to this.)
(meanwhile:)
RILEY
[out of breath:] Alright Crypto-Curious, even tho it’s all downhill it’s still a lot of running. Man, I’m glad I didn’t eat any of those canned tamales.
Not certain, but I think I’m a little over halfway down. Shouldn’t be too much longer before I’m back at the Safari.
I’m just gonna have to trust that Render and Taiwan 1000 made it back by now.
God I can’t wait to be off this mountain.
(from off, the sound of running and then something fierce and fast collides with RILEY, knocking her down.)
FIREBRAND
Hey! Watch where you’re going!
RILEY
Watch where I’m going? You ran into me.
Whoa - the Firebrand!
FIREBRAND
What did you just say to me?
RILEY
Firebrand! It’s me, Riley.
FIREBRAND
… pass.
RILEY
No, we’ve met before.
FIREBRAND
I don’t think so. I mean, if we’d met before, I would have ripped your head off. And you’ve still got your head so …
RILEY
Yeah, I know - we did this whole bit last time.
FIREBRAND
Really?
RILEY
Yeah.
FIREBRAND
Wow. Maybe you’ve just got a really unmemorable face. Has anybody ever told you that before?
RILEY
No, I guess I’ve got that to look forward to.
FIREBRAND
I mean I guess I could rip your head off now.
RILEY
Eeeee…
FIREBRAND
[to herself:] No. Too busy.
Ok, here’s what we’re gonna do. You stay here. I’m going to run ahead, kill this thing I gotta kill, then I’ll come back, rip your head off, we’ll do the whole thing, make a big show of it.
RILEY
Oh I do not like this.
FIREBRAND
Look, no offense, I’m sure you’re perfectly terrible, but I’m in a hurry.
RILEY
Wait!
FIREBRAND
Seriously. What.
RILEY
What are you here to kill?
FIREBRAND
For your sake, pray you never find out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m on the hunt.
(The FIREBRAND stops and sniffs.)
I’ve been tracking it all day. The scent was super strong this morning. But now there’s like a second smell, a way stronger smell, and it’s clouding my sense of direction.
It’s like … beef and chili and … corn husk?
RILEY
Like a tamale?
FIREBRAND
Oh! Yes. That’s it, exactly!
Anyway - gotta go. See you in a bit. Keep your head on!
(The FIREBRAND rushes off.)
RILEY
No, wait!
RILEY (cont.)
Snot otter.
Alright, Crypto-Curious, looks like we’re heading back up the mountain.
Oh. That’s a nice glove … just the one, huh? Oh well…
(RILEY tosses the glove down and runs off.)
(meanwhile:)
(RENDER and TAIWAN 1000 are screaming. QUACKSQUATCH! Isn’t having too good a time, either.)
TAIWAN
How is your whole arm fitting in there?
RENDER
It’s surprisingly roomy in here.
TAIWAN
Well do you feel the bag.
RENDER
What?!
TAIWAN
The reason your hand is in there!
RENDER
Sorry - it’s just really hard to stay on task with all three of them staring at me like this.
TAIWAN
Render, focus. Find the bag, and then we can pull your arm out.
RENDER
I’m telling you, I’m reaching around in every direction and I don’t feel anything. I mean, I don’t even feel the inside of the turducken.
TAIWAN
How is it so spacious inside?
Ok, new plan. You’re gonna have to put your other arm in.
RENDER
What!
TAIWAN
You’ll cover more ground that way.
RENDER
I am not putting my other arm inside.
TAIWAN
Well then I guess this is just what you look like now.
RENDER
Ok, fine! I’ll put in my other …. Ohhhh.
Hi, Turducken. Sorry, I just need to open up a little more. I’m just gonna try and put my hand -
(GULP!)
(Screams all around.)
TAIWAN
Did that help?
RENDER
It does not feel like it helped, no.
(RILEY rushes on.)
RILEY
Render!
RENDER
Riley!
RILEY
What are you doing to that turkey?
TAIWAN
Not a turkey.
RILEY
… that poor, poor, sickly-looking - Oh! Not a turkey!
RENDER
We found an actual turducken!
RILEY
I don’t know that “found’ is the right verb, love.
What are you doing?
But also - and maybe more importantly - how?
But also - let’s not disregard - why?
What is happening?!
RENDER
They swallowed the menagerie.
RILEY
That can’t be a real sentence.
TAIWAN
They walked into our clearing just before you dropped the bag. They swallowed, ran off, and here we are.
RILEY
I feel like that story’s missing a couple of key moments, but ok.
Render, do you have the bag?
RENDER
I cannot stress how big the inside of this bird is.
RILEY
What can I do to help?
TAIWAN
He has to find the Menagerie.
RILEY
Right. Ok, I have an idea. I’m gonna pick up the turducken by the feet and try to shift its stomach contents back up towards the mouth.
RENDER
Oo, that doesn’t sound humane.
RILEY
Do you have a better idea?
RENDER
Just be … gentle.
RILEY
… sure.
(RILEY picks up QUACKSQUATCH by the legs and dangles it.)
Alright Render, get as low as you can.
(RILEY and RENDER groan. QUACKSQUATCH isn’t faring much better.)
Ok, I’m gonna shake now.
RENDER
Oh! Alright - things are on the move in here. Feels like there’s a - maybe someone’s keys. And … Oh! There’s a glove … there’s another glove. And maybe … a flashlight, no. That feels like a selfie stick .
RILEY
Render … focus please.
RENDER
Alright … No. No. No. Wait! I feel a strap. Yes. Yes! It’s definitely attached to something. I think this is it.
RILEY
Do you have a good grip on it?
RENDER
I think so.
RILEY
On three, pull.
One. Two. Three!
(RILEY and RENDER pull. Screams abound.)
RILEY (cont.)
Are you pulling?
RENDER
What do you think I’m doing?
RILEY
Alright - keep going!
RENDER
They have got a strong grip.
RILEY
Taiwan 1000 - a little help please.
TAIWAN
What do you want me to do?
RILEY
I don’t know!
TAIWAN
I’m gonna hit them with my keyboard.
RENDER
Oh, don’t do that.
(TAIWAN 1000 starts whacking QUACKSQUATCH on the head with his keyboard. It just sounds horrible over here.)
I’m so sorry.
(And then, QUACKSQUATCH vomits up BUNION’S bag.)
ALL
Blech.
HEY!!!
(QUACKSQUATCH runs away, for obvious reasons.)
RENDER
Wait! Come back!
RILEY
Render, check inside. Make sure we have it.
(RENDER opens up the bag, pulls out:)
Oh, thank god.
TAIWAN
Is that it?
RENDER
Yeah. This is it.
Alright - come on, if we hurry, we should be able to catch up to the turducken.
RILEY
Render, that’s not a good idea.
RENDER
We can’t leave them out here.
TAIWAN
Umm … they seem perfectly capable of defending themselves.
RILEY
Bunion is still somewhere out here - we need to get the plan back on track.
RENDER
Riley - what if something happens to them.
RILEY
That’s my point - listen, we’re not the only ones out here interested in that thing.
FIREBRAND
It’s not a thing.
(The FIREBRAND enters the clearing.)
TAIWAN
Whoa! It’s the firebrand!
RILEY
You know her?
TAIWAN
I recognize her voice.
What? Do you think I only listen to the episodes that I’m in?
RENDER
I just didn’t know you had listened thru the whole back catalog.
TAIWAN
What kind of monster doesn’t listen to every single episode of their friend’s podcast.
RILEY
Hey, you’re preaching to the choir.
RENDER
Well … what do you think?
TAIWAN
It’s fun listening to the early episodes come together.
RENDER
Well that doesn’t sound promising.
TAIWAN
I like the Paladin episode.
RILEY
That’s a good episode.
FIREBRAND
I’m sorry, but can we bring the attention back to me?
RENDER
Firebrand!
FIREBRAND
Wait … what are you doing?
(RENDER picks up FIREBRAND in a big bear hug.)
FIREBRAND (cont.)
Put me down! Put me down!
[sniffing:] So you’re the one that smells like tamales.
TAIWAN
We tend not to mention it.
FIREBRAND
Can you put me down, please?
RENDER
Sure. Sorry. It’s just so good to see you.
FIREBRAND
Well of course it is. I’m wonderful.
RENDER
No, I just mean … It’s me! Render.
FIREBRAND
Uh-huh?
RILEY
I already went thru all this, Lounge Act. She doesn’t remember us.
FIREBRAND
And you are?
RILEY
We met like ten minutes ago.
FIREBRAND
No … If we’d met before I would have -
RILEY
Ripped my head off, yeah. We did this whole thing.
FIREBRAND
Maybe you’ve got a -
RILEY
Here it comes …
FIREBRAND
- unmemorable face.
TAIWAN
Could be. Could be.
RILEY
Well this is gonna be a whole thing now.
TAIWAN
Well, I know we haven’t met before. Taiwan 1000, big fan. Love all of the people-destroying head stuff.
FIREBRAND
And where’s the other one?
RENDER
Other one?
RILEY
Ren, no.
RENDER
You mean the turducken?
FIREBRAND
The what?
RENDER
You know - turducken: turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken.
FIREBRAND
That’s dumb. What you just said right there. Dumb.
RENDER
Well no need to be rude about it.
RILEY
She’s hunting them.
RENDER
Hunting?
FIREBRAND
The QuackSquatch? Obviously.
RILEY
QuackSquatch?
TAIWAN
That’s a cool name.
RILEY
But is it really any less ridiculous.
FIREBRAND
Where are they?
RENDER
Why are you hunting them?
FIREBRAND
Why? Why?! Because I’m a Firebrand. Because they’re a QuackSquatch. What other explanation do you need?
RENDER
Oh. Uh. I guess just more in general.
FIREBRAND
If you don’t tell me what happened to the QuackSquatch this instant, I’m going to -
ALL
Rip your head off.
RILEY
Aww man, three for three - good job, team.
TAIWAN
That felt good. That felt good.
(The FIREBRAND roars.)
RILEY / RENDER / TAIWAN
They went that way!
FIREBRAND
… You’re all pointing different directions.
RILEY / RENDER / TAIWAN
Oh. Umm. Hmm. HYUP!
FIREBRAND
Alright. You three had better not be lying.
(The FIREBRAND runs off, down the mountain.)
RILEY
Well, that was a close one. Listen, we gotta get out of here.
RENDER
You’re not serious. We’re not gonna let the Firebrand go thru with this, are we?
RILEY
Render, we have the Menagerie. We have a shrinking head start on Bunion. We have our own problems to worry about. And now you want to get mixed up in a hunt between one terrifying monster and different, slightly more terrifying monster?
…
Of course you do. Because that’s who you are.
TAIWAN
Alright. Let’s go save QuackSquatch.
RILEY
Is that what we’re calling them?
TAIWAN
It’s a lot of fun to say.
RENDER
QuackSquatch.
RILEY
Well, they ran back up the mountain, so that’s fun.
TAIWAN
Creates another problem for us, tho. I mean, what do we do if we find them? Once we get to the top, we’re trapped.
RILEY
No, we’re not.
Ok. We split up. You two run up ahead and find them. Once you do, meet me at the gondola. We’ll escape to the next mountain over.
RENDER
What are you gonna do?
RILEY
I’m gonna figure out some way for three monsters to take a very public ride without it getting … weird.
TAIWAN
Render, pick me up.
RENDER
You got it.
(They start off.)
RILEY
[calling after them:] Just make sure you find that QuackSquatch!
Oh, that is fun.
(The Gondola.)
And it’s this button to close the doors.
SOME TEEN
Uh huh.
RILEY
And this one to start the gondola.
SOME TEEN
That’s it.
RILEY
And you’re just gonna go find something to do for the next twenty minutes or so?
SOME TEEN
Eighty bucks?
RILEY
Eighty bucks.
SOME TEEN
Whatever. Not like they’ll fire me anyway.
(SOME TEEN saunters off.)
RILEY
Unbelievable.
(From a distant treeline can be heard:)
RENDER
Riley!
RILEY
Render!
Oh my god!
TAIWAN
I told you they were getting bigger.
RILEY
What did you do to them?
RENDER
We didn’t do anything! We just found them like this.
RILEY
Well get it onto the gondola. Hurry. I’m ready to get out of here.
TAIWAN
Are we really gonna ride in there with them?
RILEY
It’s the only way to make sure they get away safe.
RENDER
You think the gondola will hold us all?
RILEY
Don’t ask questions like that.
RENDER
Right. Ok, let’s go.
RILEY
Hop on. I’m gonna press these two buttons and squeeze on before the doors close.
BUNION
I don’t think so!
(BUNION has run up, bedraggled, out of breath, on the edge of something:)
RILEY
Bunion, what are you doing here?
TAIWAN
What’s he doing in his socks?
BUNION
I told you. I told you you wouldn’t get away from me.
Oh. A glove. Eh. the leather’s cracked.
I want my book!
(BUNION tosses the glove.)
RILEY
Well you can’t have it.
BUNION
Don’t you see? You can’t get away from me. You’re not clever enough.
RILEY
And that’s coming from you?
BUNION
The two of you, bumbling around like you know what you’re doing. You act like you’re so much better. You tried to run me off at the Unmentionables, but I came back. You destroyed my car at the Paladin, but I found you again. You stranded me with an UkUk - you tried to trample me under a Teen Horse - but I keep coming back.
TAIWAN
Teen horse?
RENDER
What is he talking about?
RILEY
Eric, listen, this isn’t safe. We’re not alone right now. You need to turn and walk away.
BUNION
Nice try. Hey Big Guy! Did she tell you? You’re not in the Menagerie. You don’t exist on the forums. You don’t exist anywhere.
You can keep riding around with Riley, if you want to - but at some point you’re gonna have to realize that she doesn’t have the skills to help you figure out who you are. Why don’t you bring me my book. I’ll help you find where you’re from.
RENDER
Don’t you have to get your mother’s permission first?
BUNION
I want the Aghast! Menagerie - and I want it now!
(BUNION screams and charges forward.)
RENDER
Riley, look out.
(A close call, a crashing THUD!, a button pressed and the sounds of closing doors.)
TAIWAN
That was close. Everyone ok?
RILEY
Yeah. You?
RENDER
Something is going on with that guy.
RILEY
Yeah, that’s a man mid-crisis.
(BUNION pounds on the glass.)
BUNION
Let me out!
RENDER
So, we can’t leave him in there.
RILEY
No, but I don’t want to let him out either.
RENDER
I mean it can’t be safe to be the only one in there with a QuackSquatch!
TAIWAN
So which button starts it is it this one?!
RILEY
Wait!
(TAIWAN 1000 presses the second button and the gondola rocks into motion.)
BUNION
Hey! No. Stop that. Bring this back.
Wait. What are you?
(Squatch Squawk.)
Whoa! Ok. It’s ok. Your kind only attacks living prey. So if I just lay down like this …
RENDER
[calling off:] I wouldn’t try that.
(Squatch Squawk.)
BUNION
Ok! Well, you never know, sometimes it works. Gotta try it.
(Squatch Squawk.)
Ow!
RENDER
He’s gonna be fine, right?
RILEY
He’s gonna be totally fine.
TAIWAN
He’s a pro.
FIREBRAND
You three again?!
(THEY turn around. The FIREBRAND is directly behind them.)
TAIWAN
Firebrand!
RENDER
You recognized us.
RILEY
That can’t be good.
FIREBRAND
Is that the QuackSquatch?
RENDER
It’s too late. Pretty soon they’ll be on that other mountain. You’ll never reach them in time. You’re just gonna have to hunt something else.
FIREBRAND
You let it escape?! What is wrong with you? Do you realize what you’ve done?
RENDER
You were hunting it.
FIREBRAND
Of course I was hunting it. It’s a QuackSquatch. If someone doesn’t kill them, they’ll destroy us all!
RENDER
I’m sorry, what now?
FIREBRAND
Don’t you know what a QuackSquatch is?
TAIWAN
Oo - I think we’re about to learn something.
FIREBRAND
You know how a goldfish will only grow as large as its bowl?
RENDER
Uh-huh.
FIREBRAND
Well, A QuackSquatch eats the goldfish. And then they eat the bowl. And then they eat their owners. And then they eat the pet store.
A QuackSquatch will never stop being hungry, will never stop eating, will never stop growing. That’s why we kill them before they’re an hour old, because by then it’s almost always too late.
RILEY
Less than an hour old, you say.
FIREBRAND
You better hope I reach that other peak in time … or you three snot otters will have doomed us all.
Gah! Rip your heads off!!!
(The FIREBRAND runs off screaming.)
RENDER
So that hit different.
RILEY
Yeah.
RENDER
Kinda took all the pizazz out of finally getting the Menagerie.
RILEY
It did. It did do that.
RENDER
Should we call and warn Bunion?
RILEY
We have his phone in the bag.
RENDER
Oh. Ok then.
Is it weird that that kid has no idea there are two monsters standing right here.
RILEY
Dude, tell me about it. All day it’s been like this. I offered him eighty bucks to let me work the gondola. He agreed and just walked off. I didn’t even pay him. He has no idea.
RENDER
I mean, whatever’s on his phone can’t be that interesting…
RILEY
It’s the haircut. You ever meet a teenage boy with that haircut … they’re oblivious.
Watch this:
We’re all done now, thanks Richard!
SOME TEEN
It’s Bridger.
RILEY
… ok.
TAIWAN
*start heavy breathing/contractions* Ow!
RILEY
Taiwan 1000, you alright?
RENDER
He’s been getting cramps like this all day.
TAIWAN
They’re not cramps. They’re contractions.
Riley. Riley?!
RILEY
Yeah, I’m right here.
TAIWAN
You gotta get me out of here.
I think I’m going into labor.
(end of episode.)
CREDITS
ALEXX
Hi, this is Alexx Rouse, your favorite Firebrand. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Neil Batra as Taiwan 1000, Dave Powell as the disturbingly handsome Professor Bunion -
DAVE
Well it’s about time!
ALEXX
Grayson Halonen as Teenage Boys with “that haircut,” Grayson Halonen, Zach Robinson and Trey Tatum as QuackSquatch! and me, Alexx Rouse. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak.
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio. More information, including transcripts can be found at QueenCityFlash.com
And as they say where we’re from:
“My god, Bryce! You didn’t slice it in half, you only made two of them!”
Episode 13: QuackSquatch!
(A ski slope … in May. Up above, the whirring of a chairlift.)
TAIWAN
Render, it’s my turn.
RENDER
Hold on.
TAIWAN
You’re hogging them. I want to see the binoculars.
RENDER
What would you do with them?
TAIWAN
Umm … hello?
RENDER
I mean, what would you look thru them with?
(TAIWAN taps the glass of his monitor.)
Here.
I do not understand your physiology.
TAIWAN
Hold me up, I can’t see.
RENDER
Alright, hold on.
(RENDER picks up TAIWAN 1000.)
TAIWAN
Crypto-Curious, today we are an unusual sight hidden amongst yet another unusual sight.
RENDER
Are you doing the intro?
TAIWAN
I don’t ever get to do the intro.
RENDER
No, keep going, you’re doing great. That was a solid opener.
TAIWAN
Normally, this vista offers a crisp and chilly panorama of thick snow and long slopes, of missing gloves and frozen snot-cicles - but today! - as Memorial Day approaches, and Summer hits its snooze button for a final time, this windswept crag is transformed into a boulder-flecked playground of hiking trails and selfie stations, all beneath a circling network of active chair lifts.
RENDER
Ok, can I just say, wow. I mean, truly impressive. I think my heart is racing, a little.
TAIWAN
Welcome, Crypto-Curious to the “Your GPS doesn’t work out here anyway Ski Resort:” four chair lifts, all leading up to the tippy-top where you’ll find not only a quaint ski lodge, but a gondola ready to whisk you away to the next peak.
It’s the Great Outdoors, it’s an All-Season Adventure. It’s the perfect spot for a pair of daring, chiseled monsters and some gross-gross lady to set … a trap.
Hey! She’s waving. It’s starting.
(The bottom of the mountain. A ski lift.)
SOME TEEN
Okay, next pair step forward.
BUNION
Oh. It’s just me!
SOME TEEN
Lift ticket.
BUNION
Sorry. It’s in my bag, one second.
SOME TEEN
It’s supposed to be visible the entire time, sir. That’s why we make it a sticker.
BUNION
It might have fallen to the bottom.
SOME TEEN
Step to the side, you’ll catch the next chair.
BUNION
Here it is!
SOME TEEN
Step forward. Watch for the back of the chair.
Come on forward, we’ve got room for one more.
RILEY
Hi, Eric.
BUNION
Riley!
SOME TEEN
And sit.
(Plop. Oof.)
BUNION
What are you doing here?
RILEY
Oh Eric, Eric, Eric.
SOME TEEN
Watch the bar.
BUNION
No, no! I want off.
SOME TEEN
Hold onto your possessions, don’t rock the chair lift, enjoy your ride.
RILEY
Thanks Landen!
SOME TEEN
It’s Camden.
ERIC
What are you doing here? Did you follow me?
RILEY
No, Eric - we didn’t follow you.
We led you here.
(meanwhile:)
RENDER
Pretty simple plan, all told:
TAIWAN
It was Render’s idea.
RENDER
Bunion, trapped in a chairlift with nowhere to go. All Riley has to do is drop the menagerie down to us. We make a break for the Safari while the they’re trapped heading up the mountain.
TAIWAN
Riley spent the last three days finding the fastest route down.
RENDER
She makes it back down and This-is-Us-a-Leavin’ with the Menagerie.
TAIWAN
And - to make sure Professor Bunion showed …
RENDER
Right. I made up a brand new monster and posted a bunch of sightings on -
(the chairlift.)
BUNION
eMonsterly.com - This was you?
RILEY
Uh-huh.
BUNION
I didn’t know you were on eMonsterly.
RILEY
I know you didn’t know that.
(BUNION pulls a sheet of paper from his bag.)
BUNION
“A trio of monsters living together as one organism.”
RILEY
Think about it …
BUNION
“A little one inside a middle one, the middle one inside the big one.”
RILEY
Uh-huh…
BUNION
Wings, talons, a shrieking call …
RILEY
It’s a turducken.
BUNION
You made this up?
I just spent so much money on this lift ticket.
RILEY
Oh, relax, Eric. It’s gonna be ok.
BUNION
It is?
RILEY
No … not really.
(RILEY lunges. BUNION yelps.)
(meanwhile:)
TAIWAN
Alright - they’re both coming up the mountain.
RENDER
Hey look! A glove.
TAIWAN
Render, pay attention.
RENDER
What? We’re just waiting. This is the easy part.
TAIWAN
I’m just saying - sometimes you get distracted.
RENDER
I do not.
This is a nice glove. Do you think we should keep it?
TAIWAN
What would you do with one glove?
RENDER
I don’t know. It would be the perfect holder if we had five nice sticks.
TAIWAN
Do you have five nice sticks?
RENDER
No.
TAIWAN
Ok, then.
RENDER
Doesn’t have to be sticks. It could be … utensils? A spoon, a knife, a fork ….
TAIWAN
Chopsticks?
RENDER
A pair of chopsticks. That’s perfect.
TAIWAN
This is why I say you get distracted.
RENDER
I’m putting it down. But one of these days, you’re gonna wish we had one of these.
(Nearby, a bush rustles.)
TAIWAN
Ok, they’re coming up. Maybe two minutes.
RENDER
Did you hear that?
TAIWAN
Come on, duck out of sight.
(And now, maybe … pecking.)
RENDER
Taiwan 1000, what is that?
TAIWAN
Stop it. Focus.
(a little amuse bouche of sound.)
RENDER
It’s like right next to us.
TAIWAN
Render, this is not the time.
(A monster hops out of the bushes. Squatch Squawk!)
RENDER
Are you seeing this!
(They stare at each other. Squatch Squawk!)
TAIWAN
What is that?
RENDER
It’s a turducken!
(THEME SONG.)
RILEY
Let go!
BUNION
No! You let go!
(Oh, the tugging! Oh, the wrenching! Oh, the grunting!)
Cut it out, you’re rocking the chair.
RILEY
Oh, do you not like it when the … CHAIR ROCKS!
(BUNION screams.)
(down below.)
RENDER
I mean … have you ever -
TAIWAN
Clearly I have never.
RENDER
You’re beautiful! I mean … you’re kind of an ugly turkey, but you’re wonderful.
[to TAIWAN:] See if they’ll eat a graham cracker.
(TAIWAN pops out a graham cracker. Squatch Squawk!)
RENDER / TAIWAN
Whoa!
TAIWAN
There’s a little duck head inside that turkey head.
RENDER
And a chicken head inside that duck head!
TAIWAN
See if they’ll eat the glove.
RENDER
Oh, come on - you can’t feed a wild animal a -
(Squatch Squawk! GULP!)
(RENDER and TAIWAN scream.)
RENDER (cont.)
Well … at least there weren’t any nice sticks in it.
(up top.)
BUNION
Ow! Cut it out!
RILEY
Well give it to me and I’ll quit.
Yow!
Did you just deadleg me? What are you, a middle school boy?!
BUNION
You kicked me in the shin first. Hey! Stop that.
RILEY
What’s wrong, Eric? Ticklish?
BUNION
No, I’m not, but don’t … Hey! AAAHHH!!!
(down below.)
RENDER
Do you think they’ll let me pet them?
TAIWAN
I think they’ll bite you … which would probably leave a fun mark. Like a spirograph.
RENDER
No way. You’re sweet, aren’t you?
(Squatch Squawk!)
(They scream.)
(BUNION’S bag hits the ground next to them.)
TAIWAN
Hey! Look, Bunion’s bag.
RENDER
Riley did it!
TAIWAN
Alright, let’s get out of here.
RENDER
Well, we can’t leave them here.
TAIWAN
What are you talking about?
RENDER
We can’t just walk away.
TAIWAN
Yes we can. We came for the Menagerie. We have the Menagerie. It’s time to get back to the Safari.
RENDER
And just leave them? What if a passing hiker finds them?
TAIWAN
Well we can’t take them with us.
RENDER
I mean …
TAIWAN
Ok. Think about how much a chicken poops.
RENDER
A lot.
TAIWAN
Think about how much a duck poops.
RENDER
A lot.
TAIWAN
Think about how much a turkey poops.
RENDER
Big ole question mark.
TAIWAN
And now amplify it. Riley isn’t going to let them live in the van.
RENDER
Ok - I’m not saying we let them live with us, which would probably be really cool. I’m just saying we transport them to somewhere more remote.
I mean, look how helpless they look.
TAIWAN
Wait … where’d they go?
Oh! Hey! Get away from there.
RENDER
No no no, little buddy, that’s not for you. That’s our bag.
TAIWAN
Oo! Don’t peck at that.
RENDER
Oh! What’s this I have here? Probably food …
TAIWAN
Are you just rubbing your fingers together?
RENDER
What? It works on dogs. Come here, little fella.
(QUACKSQUATCH! Inhales BUNION’S bag in a single bite.)
RENDER / TAIWAN
No!
RENDER
They just swallowed the whole thing!
TAIWAN
How did it fit inside such a little body?
(QUACKSQUATCH! Coughs, dry heaves, and then … )
Blech - are they gonna vomit?
(GULP.)
RENDER
That’s bad.
(QUACKSQUATCH squawks, turns and runs off into the bushes.)
No no no!
TAIWAN
Wait, come back!
RENDER
What do we do?
TAIWAN
What do you mean, what do we do? We have to get that bag back. The Menagerie!
RENDER
Right …
Follow that bird!
Follow … those birds.
Follow … that … birds?
TAIWAN
Go!
(up top.)
BUNION
Oh, are you serious! My phone was in there.
RILEY
Did you get insurance on it?
BUNION
No.
RILEY
I’ll be honest, you should probably start getting the insurance.
BUNION
It’s gonna take me forever to get down there and find it.
RILEY
Are you serious? You’re not going to find it. That’s the whole point. The Menagerie is ours now. By the time you get off this mountain, we’ll be long gone.
BUNION
And how exactly do you plan on beating me down the mountain?
RILEY
You think you’re faster than me?
BUNION
I ran cross country in high school.
RILEY
Did you run in college?
BUNION
No.
RILEY
Do you run now?
BUNION
No.
RILEY
You think all that high school athleticism hung around?
BUNION
Maybe.
RILEY
Alright. Might be an exciting race. Of course, I don’t know how you’re gonna keep up WITHOUT YOUR SHOES!
(RILEY lunges for BUNION’S shoes.)
BUNION
Hey! Cut that out! Let go!
RILEY
Quit kicking!
BUNION
Stop it!
RILEY
Are you ticklish down here?
BUNION
No! WAAHHHH!
(RILEY tosses a pair of shoes.)
Oh, come on!
RILEY
That’s what you get for not tying your laces. Pff. Low top sneakers on a mountain - at your age - think about your ankles!
BUNION
You think you’re so clever.
RILEY
Yeah. I do.
BUNION
You’ve beaten me. You’ve got the Menagerie. But I know something you don’t. You haven’t won what you think you have.
I’ve been all thru that book. The Big Guy? He’s not in it.
RILEY
You’re just saying that.
BUNION
You’ll see.
And I bet you’ve started putting together what I have. I’ve combed thru every forum there is, called friends. No one’s ever heard of a Rubilee.
You know how bad your luck has to be when even Cryptozoologists don’t think you’re real?
RILEY
… Maybe that’s because you’re all hacks.
BUNION
If you say so.
Try and enjoy the victory today. Because I’m going to get my book back. And i’m going to capture the Big Guy. And when I introduce him to the world, I’m gonna get all the glory that’s been coming my way.
SOME TEEN
Arm up!
BUNION
Oh! Hey, Mom’s house key is in that bag!
RILEY
Eric! You’re supposed to put it back.
BUNION
I know that, Riley!
SOME TEEN
Lift the arm please!
Watch your step.
RILEY
See ya at the bottom, Professor Bunion.
SOME TEEN
This the guy?
RILEY
That’s him!
SOME TEEN
Sir, can you wait right there? I need to see a lift ticket.
BUNION
Are you serious?
RILEY
Thanks, Devin!
SOME TEEN
It’s Declan!
Everyone has to have a visible lift ticket. That’s why we made it a sticker.
BUNION
I have a lift ticket. How do you think I got on here?
SOME TEEN
Don’t know - that’s something you’re gonna have to settle back down at the bottom.
BUNION
Oh, come on!
(RENDER and TAIWAN, some distance away.)
(QUACKSQUATCH! Is pecking at something on the ground.)
RENDER
Hey! They’re over here!
Hi, little buddy. You were hard to find.
(TAIWAN ambles up, out of breath.)
You ok?
TAIWAN
Yeah, I’m fine, I just … feel like I’m dying a little bit.
RENDER
Oh. Do we need to blow our your fan again?
TAIWAN
No, it’s not that. I just got like a … killer cramp in my side.
RENDER
Yeah, I really don’t understand your physiology.
TAIWAN
How are you not dying? You had canned tamales for lunch.
RENDER
Just as a snack.
TAIWAN
I just need to sit down for a second. Render, why didn’t you carry me?
RENDER
Sorry, I panicked.
TAIWAN
So much running. Alright, I’m gonna rest here. I think it’s passing. Go! And get the Menagerie back!
RENDER
What do you mean get it back? Get it back how?
TAIWAN
You know … reach in.
RENDER
Reach in!
TAIWAN
Well what’s your idea: wring its neck, cut it open?
RENDER
Oo - don’t say that.
TAIWAN
Ok then … Reach in.
RENDER
You do it.
TAIWAN
Oh, that’s a good idea. I guess I was just thinking that the monster with the ACTUAL HAND would be better equipped.
RENDER
But I don’t want to get bit. You’ve got a metal casing.
TAIWAN
Hmm… Which one of us was swallowed most recently?
RENDER
Oh - if you’re gonna bring it back to that.
TAIWAN
I am bringing it back to that.
RENDER
Fine. I’ll reach in.
TAIWAN
Look, they swallowed that bag whole. You’re not going to hurt them. Just … open their mouth, reach in, grab the bag, yank it out.
RENDER
Hi there … Oh, no no! It’s ok. It’s ok - I’m not gonna hurt you.
[to TAIWAN:] Can you come over here?
TAIWAN
What for?
RENDER
I don’t know - moral support. Or in case I need help.
(TAIWAN walks over to RENDER and QUACKSQUATCH!)
TAIWAN
Do they look like they’ve gotten bigger to you?
RENDER
I don’t think so.
TAIWAN
They’re, like, taller than me now.
RENDER
You’re the same size. Calm down.
TAIWAN
Alright, now get in there, Tiger!
What? That was moral support.
RENDER
Yeesh.
Hi there. Can I pet you? Oh yeah, you like neck scratchies don’t you. That’s because everybody likes neck scratchies. Oh, right there? Right there?!
Ok, now we’re just gonna open up your little beak here. Oh! Hi there, Number 2! How are you today? You don’t mind if I peek at -
(QUACKSQUATCH! Swallows RENDER’S whole arn. RENDER and TAIWAN 1000 do not respond well to this.)
(meanwhile:)
RILEY
[out of breath:] Alright Crypto-Curious, even tho it’s all downhill it’s still a lot of running. Man, I’m glad I didn’t eat any of those canned tamales.
Not certain, but I think I’m a little over halfway down. Shouldn’t be too much longer before I’m back at the Safari.
I’m just gonna have to trust that Render and Taiwan 1000 made it back by now.
God I can’t wait to be off this mountain.
(from off, the sound of running and then something fierce and fast collides with RILEY, knocking her down.)
FIREBRAND
Hey! Watch where you’re going!
RILEY
Watch where I’m going? You ran into me.
Whoa - the Firebrand!
FIREBRAND
What did you just say to me?
RILEY
Firebrand! It’s me, Riley.
FIREBRAND
… pass.
RILEY
No, we’ve met before.
FIREBRAND
I don’t think so. I mean, if we’d met before, I would have ripped your head off. And you’ve still got your head so …
RILEY
Yeah, I know - we did this whole bit last time.
FIREBRAND
Really?
RILEY
Yeah.
FIREBRAND
Wow. Maybe you’ve just got a really unmemorable face. Has anybody ever told you that before?
RILEY
No, I guess I’ve got that to look forward to.
FIREBRAND
I mean I guess I could rip your head off now.
RILEY
Eeeee…
FIREBRAND
[to herself:] No. Too busy.
Ok, here’s what we’re gonna do. You stay here. I’m going to run ahead, kill this thing I gotta kill, then I’ll come back, rip your head off, we’ll do the whole thing, make a big show of it.
RILEY
Oh I do not like this.
FIREBRAND
Look, no offense, I’m sure you’re perfectly terrible, but I’m in a hurry.
RILEY
Wait!
FIREBRAND
Seriously. What.
RILEY
What are you here to kill?
FIREBRAND
For your sake, pray you never find out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m on the hunt.
(The FIREBRAND stops and sniffs.)
I’ve been tracking it all day. The scent was super strong this morning. But now there’s like a second smell, a way stronger smell, and it’s clouding my sense of direction.
It’s like … beef and chili and … corn husk?
RILEY
Like a tamale?
FIREBRAND
Oh! Yes. That’s it, exactly!
Anyway - gotta go. See you in a bit. Keep your head on!
(The FIREBRAND rushes off.)
RILEY
No, wait!
RILEY (cont.)
Snot otter.
Alright, Crypto-Curious, looks like we’re heading back up the mountain.
Oh. That’s a nice glove … just the one, huh? Oh well…
(RILEY tosses the glove down and runs off.)
(meanwhile:)
(RENDER and TAIWAN 1000 are screaming. QUACKSQUATCH! Isn’t having too good a time, either.)
TAIWAN
How is your whole arm fitting in there?
RENDER
It’s surprisingly roomy in here.
TAIWAN
Well do you feel the bag.
RENDER
What?!
TAIWAN
The reason your hand is in there!
RENDER
Sorry - it’s just really hard to stay on task with all three of them staring at me like this.
TAIWAN
Render, focus. Find the bag, and then we can pull your arm out.
RENDER
I’m telling you, I’m reaching around in every direction and I don’t feel anything. I mean, I don’t even feel the inside of the turducken.
TAIWAN
How is it so spacious inside?
Ok, new plan. You’re gonna have to put your other arm in.
RENDER
What!
TAIWAN
You’ll cover more ground that way.
RENDER
I am not putting my other arm inside.
TAIWAN
Well then I guess this is just what you look like now.
RENDER
Ok, fine! I’ll put in my other …. Ohhhh.
Hi, Turducken. Sorry, I just need to open up a little more. I’m just gonna try and put my hand -
(GULP!)
(Screams all around.)
TAIWAN
Did that help?
RENDER
It does not feel like it helped, no.
(RILEY rushes on.)
RILEY
Render!
RENDER
Riley!
RILEY
What are you doing to that turkey?
TAIWAN
Not a turkey.
RILEY
… that poor, poor, sickly-looking - Oh! Not a turkey!
RENDER
We found an actual turducken!
RILEY
I don’t know that “found’ is the right verb, love.
What are you doing?
But also - and maybe more importantly - how?
But also - let’s not disregard - why?
What is happening?!
RENDER
They swallowed the menagerie.
RILEY
That can’t be a real sentence.
TAIWAN
They walked into our clearing just before you dropped the bag. They swallowed, ran off, and here we are.
RILEY
I feel like that story’s missing a couple of key moments, but ok.
Render, do you have the bag?
RENDER
I cannot stress how big the inside of this bird is.
RILEY
What can I do to help?
TAIWAN
He has to find the Menagerie.
RILEY
Right. Ok, I have an idea. I’m gonna pick up the turducken by the feet and try to shift its stomach contents back up towards the mouth.
RENDER
Oo, that doesn’t sound humane.
RILEY
Do you have a better idea?
RENDER
Just be … gentle.
RILEY
… sure.
(RILEY picks up QUACKSQUATCH by the legs and dangles it.)
Alright Render, get as low as you can.
(RILEY and RENDER groan. QUACKSQUATCH isn’t faring much better.)
Ok, I’m gonna shake now.
RENDER
Oh! Alright - things are on the move in here. Feels like there’s a - maybe someone’s keys. And … Oh! There’s a glove … there’s another glove. And maybe … a flashlight, no. That feels like a selfie stick .
RILEY
Render … focus please.
RENDER
Alright … No. No. No. Wait! I feel a strap. Yes. Yes! It’s definitely attached to something. I think this is it.
RILEY
Do you have a good grip on it?
RENDER
I think so.
RILEY
On three, pull.
One. Two. Three!
(RILEY and RENDER pull. Screams abound.)
RILEY (cont.)
Are you pulling?
RENDER
What do you think I’m doing?
RILEY
Alright - keep going!
RENDER
They have got a strong grip.
RILEY
Taiwan 1000 - a little help please.
TAIWAN
What do you want me to do?
RILEY
I don’t know!
TAIWAN
I’m gonna hit them with my keyboard.
RENDER
Oh, don’t do that.
(TAIWAN 1000 starts whacking QUACKSQUATCH on the head with his keyboard. It just sounds horrible over here.)
I’m so sorry.
(And then, QUACKSQUATCH vomits up BUNION’S bag.)
ALL
Blech.
HEY!!!
(QUACKSQUATCH runs away, for obvious reasons.)
RENDER
Wait! Come back!
RILEY
Render, check inside. Make sure we have it.
(RENDER opens up the bag, pulls out:)
Oh, thank god.
TAIWAN
Is that it?
RENDER
Yeah. This is it.
Alright - come on, if we hurry, we should be able to catch up to the turducken.
RILEY
Render, that’s not a good idea.
RENDER
We can’t leave them out here.
TAIWAN
Umm … they seem perfectly capable of defending themselves.
RILEY
Bunion is still somewhere out here - we need to get the plan back on track.
RENDER
Riley - what if something happens to them.
RILEY
That’s my point - listen, we’re not the only ones out here interested in that thing.
FIREBRAND
It’s not a thing.
(The FIREBRAND enters the clearing.)
TAIWAN
Whoa! It’s the firebrand!
RILEY
You know her?
TAIWAN
I recognize her voice.
What? Do you think I only listen to the episodes that I’m in?
RENDER
I just didn’t know you had listened thru the whole back catalog.
TAIWAN
What kind of monster doesn’t listen to every single episode of their friend’s podcast.
RILEY
Hey, you’re preaching to the choir.
RENDER
Well … what do you think?
TAIWAN
It’s fun listening to the early episodes come together.
RENDER
Well that doesn’t sound promising.
TAIWAN
I like the Paladin episode.
RILEY
That’s a good episode.
FIREBRAND
I’m sorry, but can we bring the attention back to me?
RENDER
Firebrand!
FIREBRAND
Wait … what are you doing?
(RENDER picks up FIREBRAND in a big bear hug.)
FIREBRAND (cont.)
Put me down! Put me down!
[sniffing:] So you’re the one that smells like tamales.
TAIWAN
We tend not to mention it.
FIREBRAND
Can you put me down, please?
RENDER
Sure. Sorry. It’s just so good to see you.
FIREBRAND
Well of course it is. I’m wonderful.
RENDER
No, I just mean … It’s me! Render.
FIREBRAND
Uh-huh?
RILEY
I already went thru all this, Lounge Act. She doesn’t remember us.
FIREBRAND
And you are?
RILEY
We met like ten minutes ago.
FIREBRAND
No … If we’d met before I would have -
RILEY
Ripped my head off, yeah. We did this whole thing.
FIREBRAND
Maybe you’ve got a -
RILEY
Here it comes …
FIREBRAND
- unmemorable face.
TAIWAN
Could be. Could be.
RILEY
Well this is gonna be a whole thing now.
TAIWAN
Well, I know we haven’t met before. Taiwan 1000, big fan. Love all of the people-destroying head stuff.
FIREBRAND
And where’s the other one?
RENDER
Other one?
RILEY
Ren, no.
RENDER
You mean the turducken?
FIREBRAND
The what?
RENDER
You know - turducken: turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken.
FIREBRAND
That’s dumb. What you just said right there. Dumb.
RENDER
Well no need to be rude about it.
RILEY
She’s hunting them.
RENDER
Hunting?
FIREBRAND
The QuackSquatch? Obviously.
RILEY
QuackSquatch?
TAIWAN
That’s a cool name.
RILEY
But is it really any less ridiculous.
FIREBRAND
Where are they?
RENDER
Why are you hunting them?
FIREBRAND
Why? Why?! Because I’m a Firebrand. Because they’re a QuackSquatch. What other explanation do you need?
RENDER
Oh. Uh. I guess just more in general.
FIREBRAND
If you don’t tell me what happened to the QuackSquatch this instant, I’m going to -
ALL
Rip your head off.
RILEY
Aww man, three for three - good job, team.
TAIWAN
That felt good. That felt good.
(The FIREBRAND roars.)
RILEY / RENDER / TAIWAN
They went that way!
FIREBRAND
… You’re all pointing different directions.
RILEY / RENDER / TAIWAN
Oh. Umm. Hmm. HYUP!
FIREBRAND
Alright. You three had better not be lying.
(The FIREBRAND runs off, down the mountain.)
RILEY
Well, that was a close one. Listen, we gotta get out of here.
RENDER
You’re not serious. We’re not gonna let the Firebrand go thru with this, are we?
RILEY
Render, we have the Menagerie. We have a shrinking head start on Bunion. We have our own problems to worry about. And now you want to get mixed up in a hunt between one terrifying monster and different, slightly more terrifying monster?
…
Of course you do. Because that’s who you are.
TAIWAN
Alright. Let’s go save QuackSquatch.
RILEY
Is that what we’re calling them?
TAIWAN
It’s a lot of fun to say.
RENDER
QuackSquatch.
RILEY
Well, they ran back up the mountain, so that’s fun.
TAIWAN
Creates another problem for us, tho. I mean, what do we do if we find them? Once we get to the top, we’re trapped.
RILEY
No, we’re not.
Ok. We split up. You two run up ahead and find them. Once you do, meet me at the gondola. We’ll escape to the next mountain over.
RENDER
What are you gonna do?
RILEY
I’m gonna figure out some way for three monsters to take a very public ride without it getting … weird.
TAIWAN
Render, pick me up.
RENDER
You got it.
(They start off.)
RILEY
[calling after them:] Just make sure you find that QuackSquatch!
Oh, that is fun.
(The Gondola.)
And it’s this button to close the doors.
SOME TEEN
Uh huh.
RILEY
And this one to start the gondola.
SOME TEEN
That’s it.
RILEY
And you’re just gonna go find something to do for the next twenty minutes or so?
SOME TEEN
Eighty bucks?
RILEY
Eighty bucks.
SOME TEEN
Whatever. Not like they’ll fire me anyway.
(SOME TEEN saunters off.)
RILEY
Unbelievable.
(From a distant treeline can be heard:)
RENDER
Riley!
RILEY
Render!
Oh my god!
TAIWAN
I told you they were getting bigger.
RILEY
What did you do to them?
RENDER
We didn’t do anything! We just found them like this.
RILEY
Well get it onto the gondola. Hurry. I’m ready to get out of here.
TAIWAN
Are we really gonna ride in there with them?
RILEY
It’s the only way to make sure they get away safe.
RENDER
You think the gondola will hold us all?
RILEY
Don’t ask questions like that.
RENDER
Right. Ok, let’s go.
RILEY
Hop on. I’m gonna press these two buttons and squeeze on before the doors close.
BUNION
I don’t think so!
(BUNION has run up, bedraggled, out of breath, on the edge of something:)
RILEY
Bunion, what are you doing here?
TAIWAN
What’s he doing in his socks?
BUNION
I told you. I told you you wouldn’t get away from me.
Oh. A glove. Eh. the leather’s cracked.
I want my book!
(BUNION tosses the glove.)
RILEY
Well you can’t have it.
BUNION
Don’t you see? You can’t get away from me. You’re not clever enough.
RILEY
And that’s coming from you?
BUNION
The two of you, bumbling around like you know what you’re doing. You act like you’re so much better. You tried to run me off at the Unmentionables, but I came back. You destroyed my car at the Paladin, but I found you again. You stranded me with an UkUk - you tried to trample me under a Teen Horse - but I keep coming back.
TAIWAN
Teen horse?
RENDER
What is he talking about?
RILEY
Eric, listen, this isn’t safe. We’re not alone right now. You need to turn and walk away.
BUNION
Nice try. Hey Big Guy! Did she tell you? You’re not in the Menagerie. You don’t exist on the forums. You don’t exist anywhere.
You can keep riding around with Riley, if you want to - but at some point you’re gonna have to realize that she doesn’t have the skills to help you figure out who you are. Why don’t you bring me my book. I’ll help you find where you’re from.
RENDER
Don’t you have to get your mother’s permission first?
BUNION
I want the Aghast! Menagerie - and I want it now!
(BUNION screams and charges forward.)
RENDER
Riley, look out.
(A close call, a crashing THUD!, a button pressed and the sounds of closing doors.)
TAIWAN
That was close. Everyone ok?
RILEY
Yeah. You?
RENDER
Something is going on with that guy.
RILEY
Yeah, that’s a man mid-crisis.
(BUNION pounds on the glass.)
BUNION
Let me out!
RENDER
So, we can’t leave him in there.
RILEY
No, but I don’t want to let him out either.
RENDER
I mean it can’t be safe to be the only one in there with a QuackSquatch!
TAIWAN
So which button starts it is it this one?!
RILEY
Wait!
(TAIWAN 1000 presses the second button and the gondola rocks into motion.)
BUNION
Hey! No. Stop that. Bring this back.
Wait. What are you?
(Squatch Squawk.)
Whoa! Ok. It’s ok. Your kind only attacks living prey. So if I just lay down like this …
RENDER
[calling off:] I wouldn’t try that.
(Squatch Squawk.)
BUNION
Ok! Well, you never know, sometimes it works. Gotta try it.
(Squatch Squawk.)
Ow!
RENDER
He’s gonna be fine, right?
RILEY
He’s gonna be totally fine.
TAIWAN
He’s a pro.
FIREBRAND
You three again?!
(THEY turn around. The FIREBRAND is directly behind them.)
TAIWAN
Firebrand!
RENDER
You recognized us.
RILEY
That can’t be good.
FIREBRAND
Is that the QuackSquatch?
RENDER
It’s too late. Pretty soon they’ll be on that other mountain. You’ll never reach them in time. You’re just gonna have to hunt something else.
FIREBRAND
You let it escape?! What is wrong with you? Do you realize what you’ve done?
RENDER
You were hunting it.
FIREBRAND
Of course I was hunting it. It’s a QuackSquatch. If someone doesn’t kill them, they’ll destroy us all!
RENDER
I’m sorry, what now?
FIREBRAND
Don’t you know what a QuackSquatch is?
TAIWAN
Oo - I think we’re about to learn something.
FIREBRAND
You know how a goldfish will only grow as large as its bowl?
RENDER
Uh-huh.
FIREBRAND
Well, A QuackSquatch eats the goldfish. And then they eat the bowl. And then they eat their owners. And then they eat the pet store.
A QuackSquatch will never stop being hungry, will never stop eating, will never stop growing. That’s why we kill them before they’re an hour old, because by then it’s almost always too late.
RILEY
Less than an hour old, you say.
FIREBRAND
You better hope I reach that other peak in time … or you three snot otters will have doomed us all.
Gah! Rip your heads off!!!
(The FIREBRAND runs off screaming.)
RENDER
So that hit different.
RILEY
Yeah.
RENDER
Kinda took all the pizazz out of finally getting the Menagerie.
RILEY
It did. It did do that.
RENDER
Should we call and warn Bunion?
RILEY
We have his phone in the bag.
RENDER
Oh. Ok then.
Is it weird that that kid has no idea there are two monsters standing right here.
RILEY
Dude, tell me about it. All day it’s been like this. I offered him eighty bucks to let me work the gondola. He agreed and just walked off. I didn’t even pay him. He has no idea.
RENDER
I mean, whatever’s on his phone can’t be that interesting…
RILEY
It’s the haircut. You ever meet a teenage boy with that haircut … they’re oblivious.
Watch this:
We’re all done now, thanks Richard!
SOME TEEN
It’s Bridger.
RILEY
… ok.
TAIWAN
*start heavy breathing/contractions* Ow!
RILEY
Taiwan 1000, you alright?
RENDER
He’s been getting cramps like this all day.
TAIWAN
They’re not cramps. They’re contractions.
Riley. Riley?!
RILEY
Yeah, I’m right here.
TAIWAN
You gotta get me out of here.
I think I’m going into labor.
(end of episode.)
CREDITS
ALEXX
Hi, this is Alexx Rouse, your favorite Firebrand. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Neil Batra as Taiwan 1000, Dave Powell as the disturbingly handsome Professor Bunion -
DAVE
Well it’s about time!
ALEXX
Grayson Halonen as Teenage Boys with “that haircut,” Grayson Halonen, Zach Robinson and Trey Tatum as QuackSquatch! and me, Alexx Rouse. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak.
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio. More information, including transcripts can be found at QueenCityFlash.com
And as they say where we’re from:
“My god, Bryce! You didn’t slice it in half, you only made two of them!”
