#7 (Ruminations) Performative Chameleon

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Hello, friends.
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This is Funnel Cake Brain.
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I am Carp.
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Let's get it going.
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All right.
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Second time around on the shorter intro.
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I think it works well.
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So let's keep it going.
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Now, this one uh is just a practice episode.
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I doubt I'll ever put this out, but I want to kind of work around some things right now.
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Uh mostly like my brother was in town and helped me with like mic positioning technique and um some of the uh the um EQ adjustments and things to sort of get this sounding a little bit more consistent across various uh like sound systems because on a phone versus on the laptop versus on a set of speakers with an amp, as opposed to different vehicles.
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It seems to have different high spots and low spots all over the place.
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So to make it somewhat consistent, I've been working on that.
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Uh I have the blankets coming this uh maybe like five days from now, so that'll hopefully get rid of that.
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And uh anyway, uh moving on.
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This episode, I started off with the idea of calling it performative chameleon uh because I was interested in this idea of like performative the foot the performative nature of things, how it's all uh especially with social media and the internet, kind of seeing the way that what used to be performative was just like putting on a character to show up to school as when I was younger and there wasn't the internet.
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But you know, you'd say people were fake or people were acting like someone else.
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I forget all the terms, I haven't put a lot of thought into that, but uh nowadays it's like everybody's identity is completely wrapped up in the performative aspect of whatever they're trying to do.
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And it's not even like they have like a particular persona they're trying to do, it's just everything.
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Everything is a performative element where it's just like I'm proving to the world that I am this way when it just doesn't seem like these people are real, and and now it's even odder is that or more odd is that there aren't real people doing this.
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It's like the AI has probably got, you know, and bots and all this stuff has been doing it, but AI now that you can create basically a person online and they look like a real person, uh, but they behave like what the online people behave like, which is interesting because it'll be to see where all of this goes as like the AI has the is pulling everything off the internet.
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Well, if everything's fake on the internet, then it's gonna end up being a very strange thing as it tries to you know take on human personality traits.
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It'll I wonder if it'll be it'll be really apparent that it's something that belongs on the internet, I think.
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It'll be interesting to see how they figure out how to translate that into like face-to-face, if that even is a thing that we're gonna do going forward, or if everybody's just gonna be locked up inside their houses, and the only connection we have is through the internet.
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But um anyway, this performative chameleon idea was kicking around in my brain, and um I in the process of like so many times with this show, I've come to find that like I'm working on stuff in the morning, just trying to like read things that might inspire something new in me, or reviewing old journals or or things I've read.
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Um and then all of a sudden, what I thought was going to be the episode for the week turns into something totally different.
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And in this case, I I tend I see this sort of first couple of weeks going like more and more meta, bigger picture, bigger picture, bigger picture, which essentially is like always my process.
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Because I get so I get it to where it's so big then I can go, all right, well, I've kind of hit the end of the road.
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As far as I'm willing to take it, it's time to get back, put my feet firmly planted back on Earth.
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My head has been in the clouds for a little too long.
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But uh in this case, I was doing this performative chameleon idea, um, and it was weaving its way into being performative towards myself.
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Like what character traits have I adopted or you know, dressed up in?
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What masks am I wearing?
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All the different things that we say for this uh kind of phenomenon of of acting as if I'm me.
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And then how do I get to what I I guess is the real me?
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And what is that?
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And how to access it, and then kind of what if I could access it, then what are the the what are its motivations?
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It being me, but I'm almost talking about like it's this ethereal third person because I I don't access it often, uh, or I don't have access to it because there's just so much noise in my life.
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I I I want to expand on the idea of this distraction as the devil thing.
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Uh, and I mean maybe this is the way to do it, as I work deeper and deeper in to find the core of my being, my soul as it were, or even beyond my spirit, and kind of like believing that everything comes from one source.
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Um and the further you get away from that source, kind of is where the evil is.
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You know, I don't think the the source, I'll call it God, that's what I choose to do.
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It doesn't, it could be the great knowing, it could be physics or the giant spaghetti monster.
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I don't think the label matters so much.
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People get thrown off by the label, but I think if you just agree at least in the idea that there's some sort of organizing principle to all of this, you know, like I don't know, I'm looking around my basement here, but it's like the concrete isn't like melting into my moving boxes.
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There's something keeping that all going.
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And you're like, yeah, that's physics, that's science.
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It's like, yeah, but what's what's that?
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Yeah, that's where I totally understand, you know, observable data being uh something that you can get behind as opposed to faith or religion or God or you know spirituality, since in many ways that isn't something observable.
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You know, that's the observable universe is really science.
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Things you can prove.
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And feelings are hard to prove, faith is hard to prove, God is impossible to prove unless you believe everything's God, and then you're like, oh, that's all around, you know.
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Yeah, the the suitcase I'm looking at tipped over on top of my bowling ball bag.
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That's is that God?
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It's like, yeah, kinda.
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Like, not all of it, but it's some of it.
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It's the manifested universe still operating under the same organizing principles that keep the rest of this thing going.
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So yeah.
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And that's a weird, that's a, you know, you can only think about that so much until you start to go, uh, it's it's a little too messy.
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I'm gonna drive myself insane.
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But it does give you a reverence for life and and the material world in a way that's not like materialism, but that all of this is beautiful in its own way if you're willing to pay attention.
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And it does have this quality of being um godlike, you know, like just everything that I'm experiencing.
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And let's say, for instance, you can't see and you're blind.
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Uh that throws a whole new spin on things of like observable, right?
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That I've always wondered that how it'd be an interesting conversation to have with somebody who's like blind or deaf or whatever, like how they take in their stimulus.
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We talked about impressions um in the epictetus part of like that was the your control mechanism, is how you deal with what you intake.
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And what if your intake capacity is limited?
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Does your language for the divine or for the larger order of things then change?
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Or do we speak somewhat like different languages but getting at the same thing?
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And that's the fascinating part, even when I was studying comparative religions in college, uh that you know, once you get underneath it all, well, certain things, I don't know.
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The the surface level of all those religions has a lot of interesting stuff.
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But again, I don't want to get murdered for talking about a book.
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So uh I won't get into it, but it it does seem like the reason that all this stuff is stuck around is that it at the deeper level, it's they're all sort of pointing to some larger truth.
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And you know, that like to understand that everybody, even in their own experience of life, has different ways of getting to the same conclusion, it makes me more open to hearing everybody out or understanding everybody better because the the hard part with the internet now is that you're only fed things that you already agree with.
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And speaking of reality tunnels, it's like they've curated this whole thing to be a tighter and tighter reality tunnel.
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And then ultimately, I think what's wild is the more you're agreed with, the crazier you get.
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It's like those that you see, kings.
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There was something I came across.
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I guess the algorithm decided I needed to see it, but perhaps it was feeding me good stuff for the podcast.
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But it was a like an old butler for Prince Charles, I think it was, talking about how helpless the guy is.
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Everybody does everything for him.
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Like his if his shoes aren't laid out exactly the same, or if his pillow, or like they have to put this the certain right amount of toothpaste on his toothbrush and put it in the right spot, or else he like doesn't know where it is and he doesn't know how to brush his teeth.
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And in one case he was talking about how the the guy calls him in.
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I wish I could do like a really fancy British accent, but he's like, and then the prince called me in and um he said, you know, sir butler, whatever his name was, um the the note I was reading has fallen into the bin.
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And uh I looked at him and I said, Okay, Prince.
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And I picked the note up out of the bin and put it back on the on the desk.
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And he said, That'll be all.
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Charles, or whatever his name was.
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He said, But the the point he was making afterwards, he's like, he's so hapless.
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You didn't know what to do once the note fell in the bin.
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And I thought that was crazy, but it it does show that like the more and more your agency is taken from you, the less and less useful you become.
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And then if you think about that just on your own worldview and perspective, of like the more and more it's fed to you in the same way of putting toothpaste on a toothbrush for you to brush your teeth, it's like what happens when there's nobody there to feed it to you?
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And what happens when all of these reality tunnels that are tightening around you fall away?
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What happens when real life happens?
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And I think that's the danger of getting too involved in the screens or any of this stuff, is that uh eventually real life happens.
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And if it never does, and this is why I keep getting back to you know, keep death in your mind at all times, not in a morbid, fatalistic way, but that is the ultimate reality coming back to get like not get you, but like it will happen.
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And this is I I I need to find a different way to say make friends with death because I think that's a little it's I don't know if it takes the weight out of it or puts something different on it.
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That it's just don't be afraid of it, it's the most natural thing there is, and thank god it happens because think of all these psychopaths and shit that always want to take over the world and destroy everything or shape it in their own image, and it's like at least that ends, you know, like those people will end.
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And uh it's the way I I talk about stoplights with traffic.
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Stop lights are the great equalizer.
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I hate stoplights.
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I'll put that out there first, kind of the same way I hate death, but I'm gonna I'm coming to appreciate them for one thing, and then there's a great equalizer, and I'll tell you how this shows up uh for me because like I where I'm at, I'm a little bit rural, a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, but it's I'm sort of rural on the outskirts of a suburban town.
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And so sometimes when my son naps and my wife needs a break, he doesn't nap on me or like or anything because I'm not I don't have tits.
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But I put him in the car and take him for a drive, and I I drive these back roads.
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And every once in a while, you know, somebody in a big hurry gets right up on my ass.
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So I slow down a lot because where am I going?
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I'm just driving my son around so he can nap.
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And uh they'll fly past me, and I won't see them again for maybe five, ten minutes, and long enough that it's kind of crazy that eventually when I get to a small town and they I see him stuck at a stoplight, and then I just roll up nice and slow right behind him.
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And it's like, you know, the stoplight is the great equalizer.
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That big hurry you were in, I guess, amounted to nothing, right?
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And in the same way I see death that way is the great equalizer, that no matter what you do here, it's you're gonna end up in the same spot.
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And maybe it's good to slow down a little bit, or maybe not try to take the whole fucking thing over.
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Something like that.
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But I do view death as something not to be feared.
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Um, and to make friends with, I guess, just the appreciation for even the concept of it.
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Like, if God was designing something, it was like, all right, some people are just gonna be real lost in this world, and what are we gonna do about them?
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It's like, well, let's just make sure everybody dies so that that shit just doesn't keep going.
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And then, of course, the evil people, they get addicted to life and to this world.
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At least, you know, I I use that word addiction, but think about it, they don't want to die.
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They want everything on the planet for themselves, and then they never want to leave.
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That's like they're just addicted to this life, so much so that they're obsessed with bloodlines.
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Like, I'm going to keep this going, and then download all of my psychotic, you know, take over the world bullshit on all the generations below me and make sure they keep doing it and they keep doing it.
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So somehow, but that to me is like this fomenting eagle, evil where you know, these corrupted files, if you'll call them that, of human beings that were created, um then become so identified with their individuality that they forget that the point is kind of we're gonna go back to the source at some point and uh not to be afraid of it.
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And not to like to welcome it, don't speed up, don't do it yourself, but because that's sort of missing the point, too.
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But to think that like some version of you needs to stay here to keep attached to this thing when if you can allow your mind to expand wide enough to include all possibilities that you know everything everywhere is some piece of like you're a piece of that, then to be stuck here in this seems really confining.
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And that you know it is beautiful while you're here, though, when you have that perspective, because you get to have an individualized experience of everything through your own eyes.
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That's a neat thing, but you know, don't become addicted to it, don't try to stick around in it forever because eventually you get to go back to being everything again, and that's I don't know.
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I find comfort in that.
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It might seem crazy or a little scary to think about the disillusion of you who you are as an individual, but you know, it's like before you were born, you know, you were fine with whatever that existence was for billions upon billions of years, and maybe you just go right back to that, and it seems pretty good.
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I really didn't have any problems with the way things were going until I was born.
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And then even then, I once I sort of took on whatever this current uh what this like when I came online, when this current stream of consciousness that I'm inhabiting started probably somewhere around five years old, four or five, uh, and that I started identifying with this thing I am speaking to you through this microphone.
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That like before that I seem to be pretty okay with whatever was.
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And I assume after this is done, I'll be pretty okay with that too.
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And then all these ills and things that we're worried about now.
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I mean, once you're dead, you don't got to worry about them.
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It's somewhat comforting too.
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Um, but it does, it's it's weird because I like I don't mean for it to come off morbid, and I certainly don't mean for it to excuse like this hedonistic do whatever you want life because there's no consequences either.
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Because I do think the effect of what you do ripples out beyond you.
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And it's important to understand the interconnectedness of everything.
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Something that my brother brought up that I want to investigate further too is quantum entanglement, which is this newer idea, and I think maybe it was in like 2022 they figured out that these atomic particles at vast distances from each other can still be affected by something that it's and for some weird reason it's connected to, and that coming out of that in a spiritual way, like when our once you understand the physics of it and kind of apply it to a spiritual realm, that like you can forgive yourself in the past or forgive your parents when they were children, and like somehow that helps everything that helps them, helps their spirit, helps the like sort of like we have to live in this weird linear timeline, which if you think about it, like linear time seems so real and normal to us, but in the grand scheme of things, it's it's like so limiting and shitty.
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So sometimes it's nice to let your mind wander with like, hey, if I could go back and just forgive my dad for like when he was four, like whatever the hell was going on in his life then fucked him up so bad that like he was a mess for me, but I don't know what happened to him.
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That was a big part of me forgiving him for everything that happened.
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Uh, was that I actually went back as like this adult version of me.
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This happened maybe like four years ago, and I just thought about like him sitting in front of me as like a five-year-old, and I was just like, You poor kid, like what the fuck happened to you?
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And it put this whole new like empathy and compassion inside of me, but then sort of bringing that to this current quantum entanglement thing of what if I could just like be okay, like not be okay with what what's the right word for this, but just give that little kid some love.
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Like, does that ripple throughout eternity in a way, or does that since everything springs forth in the present moment, and you know, I don't understand time at all, so I'm gonna wrap myself in the fucking the cords of my misunderstanding here.
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But uh, if I could just like it, it it helps me in this moment to be compassionate towards this person that hurt me in their youth, probably when they were being really hurt, and probably worse than whatever happened to me, because he was doing what he was the best version of whatever he experienced, you know, like he was improving upon it, and that's how bad it looked.
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So it's just like it's really difficult at first to get out of my own way enough to have this compassion for other people because I want to feel really self-righteous.
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And when I inhabited the victimhood mindset of like the world is happening to me, how dare everybody! Like, I don't deserve this.
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All of this stuff is really hard to like approach to say, like, I'm gonna forgive my five-year-old dad.
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That sounds insane because I'm like, fuck that guy, and everything he did, he destroyed our lives and he treated me like shit.
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But you know, all a lot of that happened when he was at his worst and wasn't him, you know, he was he was highly addicted and in a mess of a situation, and that was the evil, you know, like he had been so far removed from what he truly was that um that's what that looked like.
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And the more I get perspective on this and can pull back just a touch, um I don't know, it's it's it's uh it's like this beautiful sadness almost for um other people that like I I feel so sorry for him now that he was in that much pain that his that he thought his only options were to be the mess that he turned into.
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And it's it's to to be in the current mindset I'm in with this sort of empathy and compassion.
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It's like it if I was still in that self-righteous mindset, it's like I'm giving myself the power to forgive because I'm better than him.
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And that's was where it sort of started.
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It was like, fuck him, I'm better than him, I'm gonna forgive you because I'm beyond you now.
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And now it's more of like, whoa shit, I I totally understand.
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You know, going back to the nature of like I'm capable of evil too.
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Uh I just work really hard to make sure that doesn't happen.
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It's like, yeah, I I'm sorry that you gave in, like that life wore you down enough, or you didn't have enough support, or somebody didn't believe in you enough when you needed it to sort of give up or give in and and let this this evil wash over you and take you away from us.
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And so um, you know, it's just I think the first step out of that was when I Came upon this getting out of the victimhood mindset was to go, I'm not the victim anymore, I'm the victor.
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You know, I'm I'm looking at myself as somebody who's gonna conquer this thing.
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And then, you know, that changed a little bit to I want to understand this thing.
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And I bring it up a lot with this adversarial relationship with everything, but I think that's important.
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It's the first part of like breaking away from either like a worldview or a situation, is that you gotta sort of fight it.
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Uh and and when you look at the progression of things in maybe a maturity way, a cultural way or a spiritual way, it's like you start at tribalism, us versus them, black and white.
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If they're not me, they're the enemy.
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And then you move up to the more rational side where it's like I can see your side, but you're still wrong.
00:22:48.480 --> 00:22:50.960
I'm right, but I can at least get you.
00:22:51.119 --> 00:23:03.119
And then you get to the more like empathetic psychic, you call it not like telephone psychic, but like I can now inhabit your way of thinking and understand you.
00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:14.720
And perhaps like it's not that I'm more right or you're more right, it's just given the context and like this makes sense why you're the way you are, and I hope you can understand like why I'm the way I am.
00:23:14.799 --> 00:23:16.559
Maybe we can find some communion.
00:23:16.799 --> 00:23:22.000
And then beyond that is more of the mystical idea of like we're all one, there's no point in fighting.
00:23:22.400 --> 00:23:25.039
So it kind of goes tribal, rational, psychic, mystical.
00:23:25.119 --> 00:23:28.880
That was the the four tiers that my mentor told me about.
00:23:29.759 --> 00:23:33.759
And it's interesting to see it that way, and then kind of feel myself going through that progression.
00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:46.160
And I think right now I'm in, I'd like to say I'm somewhat in approaching that psychic level of like total understanding the other side more and seeing how I could have easily become that.
00:23:46.400 --> 00:23:55.839
Because in some ways I was starting to, and that's it's hard to explain like me being an experiential knowledge guy, like that's what is gonna move me.
00:23:56.160 --> 00:24:15.920
It wasn't until I got so bad to realize how it happens uh that that you can just start doing bad things and not realizing it because it the whatever worldview you've inhabited or the context around you kind of kind of makes you that way.
00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:18.640
And uh yeah.
00:24:19.039 --> 00:24:20.880
But anyway, this is this is going.
00:24:23.359 --> 00:24:25.759
I feel like I'm I'm getting real deep.
00:24:25.839 --> 00:24:31.039
Like the uh who was that pillow talk chick who did like relationship advice?
00:24:31.200 --> 00:24:37.359
I don't remember, but she would always talk real soft into the thing and try to put you to sleep.
00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:39.680
But that's not what this is.
00:24:39.920 --> 00:25:11.119
So anyway, um going back to the original idea for this episode with the performative chameleon stuff was how do we drill down to our true nature uh to become and like I'd I started off with the contemplative prayer is something that a lot of spiritual, like spiritually evolved people, leaders, thinkers have said is that you you do this sort of contemplative prayer where there is no thought, there is no emotion, you're just existing, and then you're getting as close to the source as possible.
00:25:11.279 --> 00:25:18.960
And then sort of the and then like obviously my rational brain at the time when I came across this was like, well, then how do you know what to do next?
00:25:19.200 --> 00:25:24.400
Do you just sit as like a puddle on the ground and just uh I'm experiencing it all, and that's it?
00:25:24.640 --> 00:25:25.519
And why live?
00:25:25.599 --> 00:25:27.119
Yeah, like where does the motivation come?
00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:28.880
Where does what tells me right from wrong?
00:25:29.039 --> 00:25:29.920
I don't get it.
00:25:30.079 --> 00:25:41.680
Um, but it's starting to make more sense as I understand that like once you get away from it's not just like my thoughts that need to be it's the the my thoughts are also my conditioning, and I am not my thoughts.
00:25:41.839 --> 00:25:50.319
My thoughts are kind of a collected, my collected experience and the way I've adapted to it, maneuvering me in directions.
00:25:50.400 --> 00:25:57.359
But can I get beyond that to where it's just sort of I'm in flow with what is, and I think that's about being present.
00:25:57.440 --> 00:26:04.559
It's the power of now with the ekartola shit and um other things you hear, but you know, everybody says be present.
00:26:04.720 --> 00:26:06.720
I'm like, okay, be where your feet are.
00:26:06.880 --> 00:26:10.160
My feet are here, and I feel like shit, now what?
00:26:10.799 --> 00:26:14.000
That was my response many times in the past.
00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:41.119
So uh, you know, contemplative prayer, meditation, those things are are I think that the the idea there is to get you closer to be being beyond thought, being more present, and training you to sort of turn thought off if you can, or like exist beneath your emotions, let them sort of be up at the top of the ocean dealing with the weather, and you're way down deep with whatever those scary-looking monster fish are with lights on their foreheads.
00:26:43.599 --> 00:26:54.079
Um yeah, so that was that was like a part of getting past the performative side of life and closer to accessing some level of truth.
00:26:54.559 --> 00:27:01.200
And um but in in doing all of this, I guess I'm I'm trying to circle all this stuff together.
00:27:01.279 --> 00:27:32.480
This is why this is gonna be a uh a practice episode for me to listen back to because hopefully the the harder part with having like such rampant ADD or whatever the whatever my brain is, is that all this stuff makes sense, but I just keep like layering more and more examples or thoughts on top of it, and then I forget all of the ones that are underneath, and I'm just kind of dealing with the one that's on the top at the moment, and so I have to listen back sometimes to be like, oh, I'm that whatever I was thinking five thoughts ago, I should expand on that.
00:27:32.559 --> 00:27:37.680
I was onto something, and then I just I saw you know something skitter across the ground and started paying attention to that.
00:27:37.839 --> 00:27:39.839
What's that movie where the dog's like, squirrel?
00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:42.000
I do that all the time.
00:27:42.319 --> 00:27:49.119
And you know, sorry if I do that on this podcast, but that's it's just the way I operate.
00:27:49.359 --> 00:28:07.680
But I've learned to adapt to it, which is put, you know, make a uh a starting episode, listen to it, and try to figure out what the hell I was trying to say, and then go back and not at like edit my thoughts, but like pull out the stuff that was working, expand on it, and then hopefully remember it when I do it later.
00:28:08.000 --> 00:28:09.200
So we'll see.
00:28:10.240 --> 00:28:14.720
Um but distraction being the devil was another thing I brought up.
00:28:14.799 --> 00:28:24.480
That's something that I really want to uh like this idea of distraction being the devil, or like distraction is uh the like a form of evil.
00:28:24.960 --> 00:28:28.079
Um, and like what is evil and all of that?
00:28:28.559 --> 00:28:36.160
These things are all like they make sense when I internalize them, but I have no way to like describe it in a coherent way at the moment.
00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:47.279
So that's the next thing I want to work on is like I know this stuff is true, I need examples to make this translatable across this audio format.
00:28:47.599 --> 00:28:53.200
Like, can I can I describe this in a way that people kind of get what I'm saying?
00:28:53.279 --> 00:28:59.119
Because it what what I'm saying, like these things that are inhabiting me now are working, they're helping me.
00:28:59.359 --> 00:29:02.960
And I've spent 40 years trying to find answers to this stuff.
00:29:03.200 --> 00:29:08.640
And the fact that I'm now getting some clarity and it's like it's helped me get out of addiction.
00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:10.799
Not long term, you know, but I'm out.
00:29:10.960 --> 00:29:13.759
I'm out now and I'm in the present moment.
00:29:13.839 --> 00:29:14.720
I'm not fucked up.
00:29:14.799 --> 00:29:16.319
Like that's a huge deal.
00:29:16.559 --> 00:29:18.720
And I never really appreciated that.
00:29:19.680 --> 00:29:30.240
Um, you know, and and I think for good reason that people with like longer-term sobriety can kind of look down their nose where I'm at sometimes when I come to these realizations.
00:29:30.400 --> 00:29:39.279
I remember and when I first started going to meetings like eight years ago, one of the ones I went to is this really like staunch, you know, they're like militaristic style AA.
00:29:39.359 --> 00:29:41.119
And they're like, you don't talk for the first six months.
00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:43.839
We don't want to hear anything you have to say because you don't know shit.
00:29:44.079 --> 00:29:45.200
So just sit there and listen.
00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:48.720
I was like, all right, well, isn't this voluntary?
00:29:48.799 --> 00:29:50.000
I'll just leave.
00:29:50.799 --> 00:29:55.680
But I stuck around long enough to build up resentments to be like, fuck all those people, I'll never go back to that.
00:29:56.000 --> 00:29:59.440
Didn't stop me from showing up drunk a couple times and telling everybody how wrong they were.
00:29:59.599 --> 00:30:01.920
But you know, that's part of the process, I think.
00:30:02.079 --> 00:30:04.880
Which is why maybe I shouldn't have talked for the first six months.
00:30:05.039 --> 00:30:07.119
There, there's probably something to that.
00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:17.680
But uh, you know, perhaps if they had been a little more understanding uh at first or a little softer with me, I wouldn't have lashed out so much.
00:30:18.799 --> 00:30:21.440
Um, but again, we're all trying to find our way.
00:30:21.519 --> 00:30:24.960
And for some people, it just works when it's like, I'm gonna tell you what to do, do it.
00:30:25.039 --> 00:30:26.240
And somebody can go, okay.
00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:28.640
For me, it's like I just go, why?
00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:36.240
Which leads me into a lot of beautiful insights on life because I love asking the question why.
00:30:37.119 --> 00:30:41.200
But um, you know, it doesn't work for people who just want to be listened to.
00:30:41.759 --> 00:30:47.839
And that like the fact that that just rolled over is great because that was something I wanted to get into this this idea of why.
00:30:48.000 --> 00:31:10.079
Um because in my life, that one word, the one-word question has led me to so many uh uh insights, realizations, but just like led me down so many roads that have helped me get places that I otherwise couldn't have gotten to because it's so simple.
00:31:10.960 --> 00:31:12.400
Again, simplicity and truth.
00:31:12.480 --> 00:31:17.759
I mean, what can be more simple than a single word that just asks you what the fuck you're doing?
00:31:18.079 --> 00:31:31.279
And this is best uh represented in well, like my niece was here, you know, when my brother and his wife visited, and she's at like five and a half, and so she's always asking, why?
00:31:31.359 --> 00:31:32.240
Why are you doing that?
00:31:32.559 --> 00:31:35.440
What and like why is water wet?
00:31:35.759 --> 00:31:38.160
Why is your son doing this?
00:31:38.400 --> 00:31:42.960
And like some questions you can answer, and some questions you you're just like, I don't know, he's just doing stuff.
00:31:43.119 --> 00:31:44.240
What do I know?
00:31:44.880 --> 00:31:48.160
He doesn't even know what he's doing, I can't answer for him.
00:31:48.880 --> 00:31:50.960
And um, and I want to get back to that.
00:31:51.039 --> 00:31:56.400
Like, he doesn't know what he's doing because sometimes when people are hurting people, that's and then you go, why?
00:31:56.480 --> 00:31:58.000
And you go, I don't they don't know what they're doing.
00:31:58.160 --> 00:32:00.480
I can't answer for them, but I don't think they could answer for themselves.
00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:06.559
I think they don't realize what they're doing, and that's an important thing to have inside of you.
00:32:06.720 --> 00:32:12.400
If you don't want to like fight people anymore, that you can have a compassion for them and go, I don't think they know what they're doing.
00:32:12.480 --> 00:32:13.440
Didn't Jesus say that?
00:32:13.680 --> 00:32:16.079
Forgive them, father, for they know not what they're doing.
00:32:16.400 --> 00:32:18.960
Jesus was a pretty kick-ass dude.
00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:35.440
Uh and funnel cake's activated because some of you are like, his name actually wasn't Jesus, it was like Yeshu, which is you know, what with the ancient Aramaic, whatever the fucking they spoke was the closest thing to Joshua in our current language.
00:32:35.680 --> 00:32:41.200
Um, but he's like Yeshua or Yeshua, and it wasn't Jesus, but whatever.
00:32:41.279 --> 00:32:43.440
I don't think he would care if you got his name wrong.
00:32:43.599 --> 00:32:46.480
He seemed like a pretty chill guy.
00:32:46.799 --> 00:32:50.880
Unless you were taxing people wrong and you wanted to flip over all your tables.
00:32:51.279 --> 00:32:52.960
But let's not get into those people.
00:32:53.039 --> 00:32:54.880
I don't need to be canceled.
00:32:55.680 --> 00:33:00.720
Um yeah, so where was I?
00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:04.000
Uh oh, the question of why.
00:33:04.160 --> 00:33:14.640
So in um in thinking about that, again, somehow the performative chameleon got me here, but this has nothing to do with performative.
00:33:14.880 --> 00:33:17.839
This is now we're in the realm of the questions of why.
00:33:17.920 --> 00:33:25.119
And I think one of the greatest well, it was just like how this looks in real life, is Louis C.K.
00:33:25.359 --> 00:33:27.680
had a bit about he's like a McDonald's.
00:33:27.759 --> 00:33:33.279
I'm gonna try to do this justice, but it's not gonna, you know, just go find the clip of him like Louis C.K.
00:33:33.599 --> 00:33:35.519
kids asking why or something.
00:33:35.839 --> 00:33:41.440
And um, but basically, like in a in a McDonald's and the the parents yelling at because just eat your fucking french fries.
00:33:41.519 --> 00:33:44.720
And he's like, everybody looks at that parent, it's like, what's the matter with that?
00:33:44.880 --> 00:33:46.319
Like they're an asshole.
00:33:46.480 --> 00:33:52.480
Listen to your kids, and then he goes into this whole long thing of like when you have kids, you realize they just ask why about everything.
00:33:52.720 --> 00:33:56.559
And he uses an example of like, why is why can't we go outside today, daddy?
00:33:56.640 --> 00:33:58.000
And he goes, because it's raining.
00:33:58.240 --> 00:33:59.200
He goes, Well, why?
00:33:59.279 --> 00:34:01.440
And he goes, Well, because water's falling out of the sky.
00:34:01.759 --> 00:34:02.160
Why?
00:34:02.480 --> 00:34:05.440
Because water is vapor and it goes up and makes a cloud.
00:34:05.599 --> 00:34:05.920
Why?
00:34:06.079 --> 00:34:09.840
And he's like, uh, that's all I know, or all the things I know.
00:34:10.079 --> 00:34:11.119
She goes, why?
00:34:11.280 --> 00:34:13.760
Well, because I didn't pay attention in school much.
00:34:13.840 --> 00:34:16.880
I just didn't take my education very seriously, so I didn't learn that.
00:34:17.039 --> 00:34:17.519
Why?
00:34:17.679 --> 00:34:25.440
Well, because my parents weren't great parents and they didn't instill this idea of like I need to pay attention and be involved in my own education.
00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:25.920
Why?
00:34:26.079 --> 00:34:29.519
Well, because their parents weren't very good parents, and on and on it goes like that.
00:34:29.679 --> 00:34:30.000
Why?
00:34:30.079 --> 00:34:36.559
And he's like, it's it just keeps going and going until eventually they've gotten you so broken down you don't even know who you are anymore.
00:34:36.639 --> 00:34:37.360
And they're going, why?
00:34:37.440 --> 00:34:40.320
And you go, well, because things that are can't be.
00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:41.039
Why?
00:34:41.199 --> 00:34:46.480
Because if things that weren't were, then everything would be, and it'd be a big fucking mess.
00:34:46.559 --> 00:34:47.280
And blah, blah, blah.
00:34:47.599 --> 00:34:47.920
Why?
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:49.599
Just eat your fucking french fries.
00:34:49.679 --> 00:34:50.719
You know, that's like the punchline.
00:34:50.960 --> 00:35:02.159
And so um, it's just, but what that got me thinking about was that I do that in a way, and I was like, well, maybe I could turn that into an exercise.
00:35:02.480 --> 00:35:10.960
I was like, and I'm I'll call this one the circle of regressive why questioning, or the circle of regressive whys.
00:35:11.280 --> 00:35:14.400
You just keep asking why, and you kind of going back.
00:35:14.719 --> 00:35:29.280
I'm gonna use directional things here, but like back into the question, back into the question, back into the question, or back into the your concept of something, back deeper, further, down, down if you want to go that way, or up, up, you know, if you're um whatever direction makes the most sense to you.
00:35:29.440 --> 00:35:31.599
For me, it's like back or down.
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:34.159
Maybe that's because I'm negatively oriented.
00:35:34.239 --> 00:35:35.840
I don't know, but it just makes more sense.
00:35:36.159 --> 00:35:38.320
So I gotta dive deeper into it.
00:35:38.480 --> 00:35:38.719
Why?
00:35:38.880 --> 00:35:39.920
Well, go a little bit deeper.
00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:41.119
Why, go a little bit deeper.
00:35:41.199 --> 00:35:49.039
And eventually I get to the point inside my own internal questioning of why that I lash out at the you know, eat your fucking french fries.
00:35:49.119 --> 00:35:56.239
And when I hit there, I go, okay, maybe that's kind of the depth I'm at for whatever existential thing I need to be dealing with.
00:35:56.400 --> 00:36:02.480
Either I don't want to keep pursuing it, so I stop, or I'm kind of exhausted with the the line of questioning.
00:36:02.719 --> 00:36:06.400
And it's like this is probably somewhere I should start to focus.
00:36:07.199 --> 00:36:17.599
And um, you know, when it came to existence, I'll just use this as an example because I wanted to do this exercise to myself if I was gonna prescribe it.
00:36:17.679 --> 00:36:20.480
It's like, hey, try it, see what, see what you come up with.
00:36:20.800 --> 00:36:27.039
But in the case of existence, um, I started doing this circle of regressive questioning.
00:36:27.280 --> 00:36:35.119
And uh I've written down, I don't want to read this because it's it's like I suck at reading out loud and it comes off weird.
00:36:35.199 --> 00:36:40.639
But um maybe I'll just read it here because this is practice.
00:36:40.800 --> 00:36:44.320
So in the vein of this type of existential sort of comedy, I see what they're addressing.
00:36:44.480 --> 00:36:45.440
That's not it.
00:36:46.000 --> 00:36:47.119
That's not it.
00:36:47.360 --> 00:36:49.840
Wow, I wrote way more than an outline here.
00:36:52.639 --> 00:36:53.199
Still going.
00:36:53.360 --> 00:36:55.280
Jesus Christ, how much did I write this morning?
00:36:55.440 --> 00:36:58.159
It was like 1,200 words on just this.
00:36:58.480 --> 00:36:58.800
Okay.
00:36:59.440 --> 00:37:00.000
Well.
00:37:02.159 --> 00:37:04.079
Oh, here's where I came to this thing.
00:37:04.239 --> 00:37:04.559
All right.
00:37:04.719 --> 00:37:09.039
Now, as for the meaning of it all, even in sitting in existence, who the fuck knows what that means?
00:37:09.280 --> 00:37:14.239
So in that case, I like to then just give my life the meaning that makes living the most fulfilling.
00:37:14.400 --> 00:37:19.039
Because what other reference point do we have than our own internal compass stripped away of all of its thoughts and emotions?
00:37:19.199 --> 00:37:24.960
Now that's getting back to the contemplative prayer, like stripping away everything until you just really hit the core of your being.
00:37:25.360 --> 00:37:26.400
And I said, I don't know.
00:37:26.480 --> 00:37:30.960
It's not something I can verbalize, I can only experience, which is why I'm always bringing up experiential knowledge.
00:37:31.119 --> 00:37:40.880
And that's why I believe the closer we get to the truth, the simpler it is, or the simpler it is in thought and emotion of all the abstract concepts and concrete examples.
00:37:40.960 --> 00:37:43.199
Uh, because the truth is there to be experienced.
00:37:43.280 --> 00:37:48.159
All the thoughts and metaphors and art and all that is our attempt to point at some truth.
00:37:48.320 --> 00:37:52.880
But behind it all is just the truth sitting there holding out its hand, asking you to grasp it and take a walk.
00:37:53.039 --> 00:37:53.920
Just experience it.
00:37:54.079 --> 00:37:57.920
And the more we try to conceptualize it, the further away we get.
00:37:58.719 --> 00:38:05.599
Um but in in doing this backwards to like, you know, why are why am I alive?
00:38:05.760 --> 00:38:08.800
I think was kind of the impetus for that, which is I can't answer.
00:38:09.039 --> 00:38:11.519
I like to say the point of being alive is to experience it.
00:38:11.599 --> 00:38:12.239
Now, why?
00:38:12.400 --> 00:38:16.159
I don't know, but that that's where my regressive questioning stops.
00:38:16.320 --> 00:38:18.719
So I can kind of say the point of life is to experience it.
00:38:18.800 --> 00:38:20.639
And because when I kept going, why?
00:38:20.800 --> 00:38:21.119
Why?
00:38:21.199 --> 00:38:23.599
And I get to like, why are we here to experience it?
00:38:23.679 --> 00:38:24.159
Well, why?
00:38:24.239 --> 00:38:29.679
And if I can't answer that question, then I just go, well, my answer was to experience it, so I'll stop answering.
00:38:29.840 --> 00:38:32.239
I'll just sit here and experience it.
00:38:32.559 --> 00:38:34.239
And that's what I've been doing.
00:38:34.400 --> 00:38:42.400
And it's been amazing because it's been helping me at this existential place that I'm at, is that I can't I can't find an answer.
00:38:42.559 --> 00:38:44.320
I don't know how to go any further.
00:38:44.639 --> 00:38:47.519
The best I can come up with is to just experience life.
00:38:47.760 --> 00:38:51.519
And then when you ask me why again, I can't really go any further.
00:38:51.679 --> 00:38:56.159
So I sort of do what my answer is, which is why are we here?
00:38:56.320 --> 00:38:57.920
Well, to experience being here.
00:38:58.320 --> 00:39:04.400
And then if you ask me why again, I don't give you an answer, I just sit there in the experience because that's what my answer is.
00:39:04.960 --> 00:39:06.719
And so that's what I've been doing.
00:39:09.119 --> 00:39:10.960
Here we are, experiencing it.
00:39:11.679 --> 00:39:12.719
Kind of interesting.
00:39:12.960 --> 00:39:20.880
Um, but that that also led in like and on smaller issues too, where you know, I I do these nicotine mints still.
00:39:21.039 --> 00:39:22.719
Uh I dipped for a long time.
00:39:22.880 --> 00:39:27.599
And then like in rehab, you have to smoke if you want to have any social life or you go crazy.
00:39:27.679 --> 00:39:29.119
There's fucking nothing to do there.
00:39:29.360 --> 00:39:30.639
So I would smoke sometimes.
00:39:30.719 --> 00:39:34.800
I I don't and you smell like shit when you smoke, so I obviously can't do that with kids.
00:39:34.880 --> 00:39:38.559
They'll it just it doesn't work, it's more trouble than it's worth.
00:39:38.719 --> 00:39:43.440
And I don't really want to be like a smoker-dipper guy, uh, but I do like nicotine.
00:39:43.599 --> 00:39:46.239
I hear that's the the stimulant effect.
00:39:46.559 --> 00:39:48.639
It draws people with ADD to it.
00:39:48.800 --> 00:39:50.239
I don't know about any of that.
00:39:50.639 --> 00:39:55.360
It's probably more oil fixation than anything, but uh I still do nicotine minutes.
00:39:55.440 --> 00:39:57.760
So uh whatever, this is a long explanation.
00:39:57.920 --> 00:40:00.880
But my niece goes, Why are you carrying that bottle with you all the time?
00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:03.920
Like, what why why do you have this everywhere you go?
00:40:04.159 --> 00:40:05.920
And I was like, Well, I didn't want to tell her.
00:40:06.079 --> 00:40:13.760
I think that's another thing, too, is like I get annoyed when kids keep asking why, because I sometimes I don't want to admit what I'm doing.
00:40:14.079 --> 00:40:18.960
And also, like, I then have to explain it, so I have to take ownership over what I'm doing.
00:40:19.280 --> 00:40:36.639
And it's funny, like, this is this is another important piece of this, like asking every why you're doing anything is that this is the point of having um an analyzed life, like analyzing yourself in your life is important because all of a sudden you could be doing all this stuff and not realize why you're doing it.
00:40:36.800 --> 00:40:47.119
Uh, it could be on autopilot, or it could be like a maladapted behavior you just allowed to run amok, and now you're just living this way, and you never go, why am I doing this?
00:40:47.360 --> 00:40:51.119
And so I I've sort of employed this idea, especially like kids.
00:40:51.280 --> 00:40:53.760
The beauty of like kids is they're trying to figure out the world.
00:40:53.840 --> 00:40:55.760
They don't know what's going on, so they're always asking why.
00:40:55.840 --> 00:40:59.599
And at a certain point, I stopped asking why, and it's like, well, why did I do that?
00:40:59.920 --> 00:41:10.320
It's like, did I I guess I just figured I had the world figured out, or I had me figured out, or the version of me that I was, I was content with, and I was like, Oh, we'll stop here, like done with self-work.
00:41:10.400 --> 00:41:10.719
Thanks.
00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:21.679
I'll just pay attention to football and and like you know, drinking, and you know, I have I have a little bit of money in the bank, so I I'll just focus on getting more of that.
00:41:21.920 --> 00:41:23.840
But me, uh I'm done with that.
00:41:24.159 --> 00:41:43.119
And so um, you know, the the unevaluated life then can go a lot of different ways, um, because I'm not asking why I'm doing anything, I'm just sort of doing what my current level is, which can really lead you down some bad paths when you don't ask why you're doing stuff.
00:41:43.360 --> 00:41:51.440
And so when I looked at that in like my 40-year-old brain, I was like, why did I stop being so interested in figuring life out?
00:41:51.840 --> 00:41:55.920
Did was it causing me too much trouble internally?
00:41:56.079 --> 00:41:58.880
Was it did I realize it's a question I can't answer?
00:41:58.960 --> 00:42:01.440
And even if it is a question, why do I stop asking?
00:42:01.679 --> 00:42:02.320
You know?
00:42:02.639 --> 00:42:06.719
Um, and that kind of got me to the well, just experience it part.
00:42:06.800 --> 00:42:07.840
That's as far as I could go.
00:42:08.079 --> 00:42:11.440
But just in everything I was doing, I started asking why more often.
00:42:11.519 --> 00:42:17.039
And I was coming up with a lot of really interesting either answers or just further questioning.
00:42:17.199 --> 00:42:25.679
Um, but it was cool to see like the world through a five-year-old's eyes that like the reason to keep asking why is because they're just trying to figure stuff out.
00:42:25.840 --> 00:42:32.079
And when it comes to ourselves, if we're in a position where it's like, I don't understand how I got here, well, it's like start asking fucking why, bro.
00:42:32.320 --> 00:42:37.039
Like start going, well, you know, in the morning I do this first.
00:42:37.280 --> 00:42:37.920
Why?
00:42:38.480 --> 00:42:39.360
I don't know.
00:42:39.840 --> 00:42:41.840
Figure that one out and go from there.
00:42:42.000 --> 00:42:44.159
I could I've given you a place to start.
00:42:44.320 --> 00:42:46.400
You know, that's that's good enough.
00:42:46.639 --> 00:42:48.159
Sometimes we don't know where to start.
00:42:48.320 --> 00:42:50.559
Well, Simon Sinek had a book like this.
00:42:50.639 --> 00:42:51.760
He said, start with why.
00:42:51.840 --> 00:42:53.519
Ah, maybe that's where this is coming from, too.
00:42:53.679 --> 00:42:56.000
But I thought it was as I think it's a business book.
00:42:56.239 --> 00:42:57.119
But it was pretty good.
00:42:57.199 --> 00:43:00.159
Of like you you should know what why you're doing what you're doing.
00:43:00.239 --> 00:43:14.079
If like if you're starting a business just to like make money, uh, you might make some money, but the deeper part of it, what's gonna keep you going, isn't I don't know if just making money will sustain you, unless you're like these psychos who are just want to take over everything.
00:43:14.159 --> 00:43:18.480
But I think their why is probably a lot deeper and more you know sinister.
00:43:19.599 --> 00:43:22.000
Uh but they'll never let you know.
00:43:22.239 --> 00:43:30.079
But they won't even let themselves know because if if they did, they I don't think they'd be able to live with themselves.
00:43:30.480 --> 00:43:31.679
And in a lot of ways, they can't.
00:43:31.760 --> 00:43:34.159
There's something else I was uh in the confidence episode.
00:43:34.239 --> 00:43:44.559
I went off on the on the psychopaths of the world, and uh you know, they do seem so confident until there's just a slight interruption in their plan.
00:43:44.719 --> 00:43:47.360
And that's that's a real good piece of evidence.
00:43:47.519 --> 00:43:55.440
Like if you ever think they got it figured out, or that you know they're gonna like crush us all and we're all gonna be jobless and we all might die.
00:43:55.599 --> 00:43:59.760
And you know, maybe because they do control everything, and since they have no fucking clue.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:00.960
What they're doing.
00:44:01.199 --> 00:44:05.360
They might destroy all of this, in which case, you know, let them have it.
00:44:05.599 --> 00:44:07.199
You're gonna go back to the source, man.
00:44:07.280 --> 00:44:08.079
It's gonna be fine.
00:44:08.159 --> 00:44:12.559
You're gonna go back to what you were, which is just peaceful, wonderful part of everything.
00:44:12.880 --> 00:44:16.480
But in you know, in the life that we're currently living, that would suck.
00:44:16.559 --> 00:44:22.639
So let's see if we can find some peace in the current moment as we deal with this.
00:44:22.960 --> 00:44:32.239
And I there was one of these guys uh was on the news, and I don't want the the weird thing is I don't watch any of this shit.
00:44:32.320 --> 00:44:34.880
I don't have social media, I don't like watch news.
00:44:35.119 --> 00:44:37.199
Somehow it still finds its way into my life.
00:44:37.280 --> 00:44:38.239
I don't know how.
00:44:38.400 --> 00:44:40.719
I just pay attention to it when it's around, I guess.
00:44:41.039 --> 00:44:44.400
Because it is so obnoxious and noisy.
00:44:44.480 --> 00:44:49.440
Since it's not in my life, when I it does show up, I just pay attention because I'm like, what the fuck is that?
00:44:49.679 --> 00:44:52.800
People like watch this shit all day.
00:44:53.039 --> 00:45:20.320
But anyway, it was one of these, you know, tech assholes, and he was freaking out because they didn't have like a uh use case for whatever fucking miracle they had figured out, and um they didn't have like a revenue stream, and people were pulling out or they were running into some roadblock, and the guy's like freaking the fuck out, and like on TV, just like and you could tell all these people are on drugs stimulants because they're just whacked out of their minds.
00:45:20.400 --> 00:45:24.400
And if you're if I mean I've been around drugs a lot.
00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:27.519
Um, I mean, I started seeing it when I was like eight.
00:45:27.760 --> 00:45:32.800
So, and then spending, you know, a large part of my formative years in crack houses in St.
00:45:32.960 --> 00:45:39.199
Louis, it's like I've seen a lot of crackheads, I've seen a lot of meth heads, I've seen a lot of heroin addicts, you know, seen a lot of drunks.
00:45:39.280 --> 00:45:49.039
I've seen all like I know what these people look like, and I they're all on you know government-sanctioned fucking drugs now at this I don't know, all the stimulants and pill form meth.
00:45:49.199 --> 00:45:52.400
Anyway, I don't need to get on a soapbox about that shit.
00:45:52.480 --> 00:45:58.079
But uh he's up there just uh he's a he's a fucking mess on live TV.
00:46:02.239 --> 00:46:07.920
I think we're all like when we see that stuff, we're just like, God, I really hope that that guy doesn't get what he wants.
00:46:09.519 --> 00:46:11.599
But that there's nothing we can do to stop it.
00:46:11.679 --> 00:46:13.760
I think there's a misconception that all these people are smart.
00:46:13.840 --> 00:46:15.360
It's like, no, they just own everything.
00:46:15.519 --> 00:46:20.400
You know how many mistakes I could make in life if I could just buy my way out of it or kill the people in my way?
00:46:20.559 --> 00:46:30.159
Like, that's what all of these fucking assholes, it's like, yeah, they look like they know what they're doing because the cushion for them to fuck up is infinite.
00:46:30.320 --> 00:46:42.960
You know, if you're willing to do all the evil in the world and just destroy and kill and do whatever it takes, yeah, you're gonna get your way because the the natural flow of humanity is not this fucking evil shit.
00:46:43.119 --> 00:46:47.280
We might see it in bits and pieces in our lives, and you know, you're gonna encounter it.
00:46:47.440 --> 00:46:50.159
But like these people are the embodiment of it.
00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:55.280
And when they're willing to just burn it all down, it's like, yeah, they're gonna win.
00:46:55.360 --> 00:46:57.119
They're gonna win it, whatever this is.
00:46:57.199 --> 00:47:06.159
But that is the freedom, the great equalizer of death is that we don't have to be in it with them forever, and they don't get to be here forever doing it.
00:47:06.480 --> 00:47:19.199
Maybe that's where I'm trying to get to with like death is death is I don't want to qualify it to say death is great or good or anything, but it's the great equalizer, it's as natural as anything that exists.
00:47:19.679 --> 00:47:21.119
Think about it that way.
00:47:21.519 --> 00:47:28.559
Death is the most real thing for a human being that they will ever encounter because there is nothing you can do about it.
00:47:29.039 --> 00:47:31.760
Like gravity, get on a rocket ship, go to outer space.
00:47:31.840 --> 00:47:33.360
You're not subjected to gravity anymore.
00:47:33.440 --> 00:47:36.079
If you believe in outer space, you know, there's people who don't.
00:47:36.400 --> 00:47:44.639
But you know, if uh there's a tree in front of you, you know, cut it down, light it on fire, it's not there anymore.
00:47:44.880 --> 00:47:46.559
Death, can't avoid it.
00:47:46.800 --> 00:47:51.280
And so in that, like that's where the fear of death goes away because there's nothing more natural.
00:47:51.360 --> 00:47:56.320
I mean, it's the exact, it's just as real as being born or being created.
00:47:56.800 --> 00:48:05.440
And so to like ignore it or shy away from it, to me is is an unnatural thing, which causes a lot of internal chaos.
00:48:05.519 --> 00:48:10.639
That if you can't come to grips with the fact that that's gonna happen and not fear it, you know, like that.
00:48:10.719 --> 00:48:21.920
I think that's when you think about the thing that really throws us off as a human race and just as a spiritual being the most, it is fear.
00:48:23.280 --> 00:48:39.599
And the one thing that you can see that evil fears the most is death because it wants to stay around doing its evil shit forever, because it knows that once that happens, I don't know what like the great judgment is, you know.
00:48:39.679 --> 00:48:43.280
And I I went to Catholic school until I got kicked out.
00:48:44.000 --> 00:48:45.039
Whole other episode.
00:48:45.199 --> 00:48:50.320
My dad punched the Monsignor in the face, but uh, and good on him.
00:48:50.400 --> 00:48:52.000
That was that was a good one, Dad.
00:48:52.320 --> 00:48:54.719
Uh but like I it was like St.
00:48:54.800 --> 00:48:58.559
Peter or something stands at the gates and goes, you know, uh, you get an F.
00:48:58.800 --> 00:48:59.840
You know, on life.
00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:01.599
I'm going over your life here, F.
00:49:01.920 --> 00:49:05.599
He writes it on your fucking chest and then throws you down the chute to hell.
00:49:05.840 --> 00:49:13.039
But that like the idea of judgment or whatever, um, you know, there has to be something to that because these people don't want to die.
00:49:13.199 --> 00:49:14.960
They want to face what the fuck they're doing.
00:49:15.199 --> 00:49:25.679
Whether they know it, you know, consciously or there's something deeper in them that's like, yeah, this, this, you're gonna have to, you're gonna have to pay for this in one way or another.
00:49:25.760 --> 00:49:48.719
And even if it's not like eternal damnation, if it's just that like the the true spirit that inhabits you that you've neglected and fucking covered up with just nothing but evil, eventually gets to see how far away you as an individual, as you identified with it, traveled away from the beauty of what this existence was supposed to be for you, which was to just enjoy it and love.
00:49:48.960 --> 00:49:49.760
Just love.
00:49:50.719 --> 00:50:04.320
The fact that you moved that far off base is your hell when you realize how much you fucked this up, and that you only got it for just a fraction of a millisecond micro, whatever, whatever unit of measurement.
00:50:04.559 --> 00:50:16.159
Um that you could have just been here and been in communion with others and been peaceful and just loved every second you were alive and seen the beauty of what you know manifested reality is.
00:50:16.559 --> 00:50:20.000
Instead, you you wanted to control it all and burn it down.
00:50:20.239 --> 00:50:44.079
And it's just like I imagine because I think of regret I have in my life and how crushing it feels once I have true perspective and can look at it with clear eyes, and it's like the sorrow I feel for how wrong I was, not just like the deed I did, but how I look at the younger version and how righteous I felt, and I just feel sorry for them.
00:50:44.159 --> 00:51:01.920
And I feel like in a way, that's you know, God, if you want to personify it, I don't, but like whatever the the spiritual source is sees how far astray you've run from what this is, this whole life thing, and like weeps for you because it's like, dude, you're missing it so hard.
00:51:02.320 --> 00:51:07.119
You are it's gonna be a hell of a reckoning when you realize how much you fucked up.
00:51:07.360 --> 00:51:13.039
Um yeah, so anyway, the circle of aggressive wise got me there.
00:51:13.280 --> 00:51:32.400
And um there's not I I like there's one more aspect to this completely random show that I've been building out because as my mind spins around in circles trying to create just one singular through line through a fucking episode without going all over the place, which this is not.
00:51:32.880 --> 00:51:44.239
Um I had another kind of insight into this idea of like painful beauty, and I think the word nostalgia is connected to that.
00:51:44.320 --> 00:51:54.159
I'm gonna look up what the exact definition of nostalgia is because the thing I've come to is uh what I call pre-nostalgia.
00:51:54.400 --> 00:52:05.599
So nostalgia is a bittersweet emotional state combining a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a past period person or place with a slight sense of loss.
00:52:06.320 --> 00:52:40.800
So, what I've found recently is now that I'm back in proper alignment, that I'm feeling really nice and settled in my existence and who I am as a person and the path that I'm on, um, as I've stripped away a lot of this that pull and tug at my spirit from addiction and avoidance and non-acceptance of this really malicious nature I had towards anything that I felt was a threat, you know, just accepting life as they say in AA, just take life on life's terms, unless you come into our meeting and try to talk and then fuck you.
00:52:42.480 --> 00:52:44.719
So many rules for the people who say don't have them.
00:52:44.800 --> 00:52:48.000
But um, they have a lot of rules.
00:52:48.079 --> 00:52:49.199
What am I talking about?
00:52:49.519 --> 00:52:51.440
Anyway, pre-nostalgia.
00:52:51.760 --> 00:53:03.920
So uh when I'm when I'm rooted in this really like I'm seeing the beauty of life, and I'm just feeling really grateful for this opportunity to experience what this is.
00:53:04.559 --> 00:53:23.039
I get what I think of as like pre-nostalgia, where I think everything coming to me, I have this like painful, like I I want it so bad, not even that I want it, it's just that I know it's gonna be so beautiful and great, and I don't want to lose it, but in a preemptive manner.
00:53:23.199 --> 00:53:29.760
Not like it's the same sort of feeling I get when I look back longingly to the past, but I have that in anticipation of the future.
00:53:29.840 --> 00:53:35.679
Like I'm so excited to be alive that I feel this pain knowing that it's not gonna be here forever.
00:53:35.920 --> 00:53:38.320
And so I I'm calling it pre-nostalgia.
00:53:38.400 --> 00:53:39.599
I don't know if that's a thing.
00:53:39.840 --> 00:53:41.519
Maybe we can make it something.
00:53:41.840 --> 00:53:54.880
But uh this idea of like, I'm so aligned with being alive and reality right now that I'm just like it's this painful beauty, it just tears at me of like how much I love everything.
00:53:55.119 --> 00:54:05.280
Um, and I assume this isn't like the final destination for whatever you know self-development becomes because I think you don't you shouldn't feel like pain at you know beauty and stuff.
00:54:05.440 --> 00:54:07.039
I like it, it shouldn't feel bad.
00:54:07.119 --> 00:54:08.320
Like it doesn't feel bad though.
00:54:08.400 --> 00:54:09.199
It's it's weird.
00:54:09.280 --> 00:54:13.360
It's like it's like an empty pit of love that just goes on forever.
00:54:13.440 --> 00:54:18.480
And the fact that I can't see the bottom maybe like fills me with this weird sense of dread for love.
00:54:18.960 --> 00:54:20.079
I'm not quite sure.
00:54:20.239 --> 00:54:24.960
I don't know if there's a way to describe it, but pre-nostalgia is the best I'm coming up with.
00:54:25.119 --> 00:54:36.079
A similar feeling to the nostalgia of the past, but for something that's coming to me, whatever it is, like I don't even care what it is, it's just I know I'm gonna like it, which is the way I felt as I walked into the liquor store.
00:54:36.159 --> 00:54:54.559
But in this case, it's just life, and so um that was something that I was kind of coming to at the end of all of this, is like I I was writing in the morning, thinking about like my family waking up and coming down to see me, and I was like, oh, I'm just like filled with this beautiful sense of gratitude, and like I can't wait to see them.
00:54:54.800 --> 00:54:58.719
And you know, and someday I'm gonna die and they're not gonna be there.
00:54:58.960 --> 00:55:17.840
And uh it really put me in the moment, and I think that's another part of this, like you quote unquote making friends with death or being okay with it, is that having death is like this sort of companion with you that you know is gonna happen, so you can't do like there's no point in not having it be your companion through life, just go any day, any day, anytime.
00:55:18.000 --> 00:55:18.880
Who knows?
00:55:19.119 --> 00:55:24.719
Um, so don't become too attached to all this, but also like just every moment, just be like, holy fucking shit, look at this.
00:55:24.960 --> 00:55:26.159
Look at all this around me.
00:55:26.320 --> 00:55:31.920
And right now it's moving boxes and concrete walls, but it's still that's pretty cool, it's pretty sweet.
00:55:32.159 --> 00:55:37.760
Um and I get to be here, and I'm safe and I'm full of love, and it's it's nice.
00:55:38.239 --> 00:55:46.079
So um, yeah, I guess that's pretty much all I have for this sort of practice episode.
00:55:46.320 --> 00:55:47.440
I'll listen to it back.
00:55:47.599 --> 00:55:50.400
There's absolutely no way this is coherent enough to put out.
00:55:50.480 --> 00:55:51.760
I don't think I would.
00:55:52.079 --> 00:55:54.559
And I this pretty low energy, too.
00:55:54.800 --> 00:55:57.119
But you know, like each episode's gonna be different.
00:55:57.199 --> 00:56:06.320
I I was listening back to um some of my beginning ones, which are a little more demure, what if that's the right word, but uh like a little more low energy like this.
00:56:06.559 --> 00:56:16.639
And then like the confidence one, it's it really depends on when I get down here to be able to do this because I I have very limited time, you know, with work and family and everything to get down here.
00:56:16.719 --> 00:56:22.800
So sometimes it's like early in the morning, sometimes it's on the weekends in the middle of the day when somebody's napping.
00:56:22.960 --> 00:56:24.800
Um, sometimes it's late at night.
00:56:24.960 --> 00:56:34.480
And so I like it's I think it's interesting to see how I'm different throughout the day too, and should just be like this this doesn't need to be some sort of consistent thing.
00:56:34.719 --> 00:56:37.599
It's just sort of wherever I'm at, and I'll meet you there.
00:56:38.400 --> 00:56:46.159
And I think that lends itself more authentically than um trying to play a character every time I'm on here.
00:56:46.239 --> 00:56:46.880
Like, here I am.
00:56:46.960 --> 00:56:57.840
This is you know, and obviously, you know, being carp, that is my character, but that's how I sort of separate myself from like this is this own little thing.
00:56:58.079 --> 00:56:58.719
I don't know.
00:56:58.880 --> 00:57:01.360
I have I have like a weird rationale internally for it.
00:57:01.440 --> 00:57:06.320
I haven't figured out, but uh many times in my life I've it started in sports, you know.
00:57:06.400 --> 00:57:07.199
That that's what they call you.
00:57:07.280 --> 00:57:09.679
My last name's Carpenter, so that everybody called me carp.
00:57:10.000 --> 00:57:14.800
Um, and I just sort of it was I don't know, single word like share or Madonna or whatever it is.
00:57:15.840 --> 00:57:17.519
It's easier to call me that.
00:57:17.760 --> 00:57:21.039
Um but yeah, so anyway, that was that.
00:57:21.280 --> 00:57:24.320
Uh yeah, should I should I ramble on more?
00:57:24.480 --> 00:57:26.320
Do I have anything else written down?
00:57:26.880 --> 00:57:27.679
Probably not.
00:57:27.840 --> 00:57:28.320
I don't know.
00:57:28.400 --> 00:57:31.440
I kind of feel like hanging out, just keep talking.
00:57:31.760 --> 00:57:34.000
Um, let's go well, you know what?
00:57:34.159 --> 00:57:40.559
I I keep talking about this, and since I'm feeling the need to keep going, let's try to flesh out this idea of distraction as the devil.
00:57:40.639 --> 00:57:45.679
And it comes off of when I was sitting there going, everything that comes through the screen is a lie.
00:57:46.079 --> 00:57:47.519
And what do I mean by that?
00:57:47.760 --> 00:57:51.440
Well, first of all, it's it's not real, you know, it's on a screen.
00:57:51.599 --> 00:57:56.320
So in and of itself, it's a fabrication, if you say that.
00:57:56.719 --> 00:58:00.400
Um, but more so the content too is like curated.
00:58:00.480 --> 00:58:09.519
And in a way, even this, this isn't is I won't say it's a lie necessarily, but it's not real in that it's not happening in the moment, like between you and I.
00:58:09.679 --> 00:58:14.239
Like I spend time on this, I sort of work out how I'm gonna present it and stuff.
00:58:14.320 --> 00:58:20.480
So it's it's in a way um manufactured, I guess.
00:58:20.719 --> 00:58:31.519
Uh, but that's why I try to keep it as free flow as possible is as these things come into my head, or these impulses come, I try to follow them so that it doesn't so it's allowed to breathe.
00:58:31.599 --> 00:58:35.760
Whatever this idea is that I come in with, it's gets it space to kind of work out.
00:58:36.079 --> 00:58:43.360
And um, you know, the so like in screens and stuff and the content we have, it's like it's so obvious now.
00:58:43.440 --> 00:58:46.719
I think everybody knows that it's completely curated.
00:58:46.880 --> 00:58:55.199
And most of these things that are a single person, it's like there's teams of people helping, and and there's all of these different influences on that particular person.
00:58:55.840 --> 00:59:11.679
Uh, whether it's from you know advertising or managers, agents, uh, whoever's trying to use this figurehead of a singular person as the mouthpiece for whatever they want to get out there.
00:59:12.159 --> 00:59:15.519
Most of the time it's just fucking advertising.
00:59:16.239 --> 00:59:18.159
I mean, our world is just ads.
00:59:18.320 --> 00:59:19.199
It's sad.
00:59:19.440 --> 00:59:26.159
It's sad that even the even the good stuff that's out there eventually gets corrupted by advertising.
00:59:26.639 --> 00:59:44.800
And I was thinking about how that works too with uh maybe it was the doubt episode or the validation, I forget, but um where I was talking about these people who have like something really good, and it's like uh flash in the not a flash in the paint, but the lightning strikes.
00:59:44.880 --> 00:59:45.920
Maybe that's the right way to say it.
00:59:46.000 --> 00:59:46.800
Like lightning has struck.
00:59:46.880 --> 00:59:56.159
They found they've they found something magical, and then the whatever powers that be come in and like buy it.
00:59:56.480 --> 00:59:59.440
Uh, I'm gonna use podcasting for an example here.
00:59:59.679 --> 01:00:02.559
Not anyone in particular, but let's just go with it.
01:00:02.800 --> 01:00:21.519
Say, like, there's two people that have this really good like thing going on, this riparte, and and the idea behind it, and they're just natural chemistry together works, and then you know, the advertisers come in or they have agents, and it's like, well, you can't do that, or you can't cover that topic, or why don't you try doing it this way?
01:00:21.679 --> 01:00:26.960
And and you you sort of see it happening where it's like, what is different about this?
01:00:27.119 --> 01:00:35.519
It's not the same it once was, and you know, all of a sudden, and then I was talking about how like people start thinking it's all about me.
01:00:35.599 --> 01:00:49.039
And I think that's what, especially like in the record industry and stuff, when when somebody gets signed, it's like they try to insulate them as much as possible from their like friends and family and people who know them and build another world around them of like you're the shit.
01:00:49.119 --> 01:00:51.280
You should you are the reason all this is happening.
01:00:51.360 --> 01:00:55.280
We're gonna pump you up, like forget where you came from, forget what made you you.
01:00:55.440 --> 01:00:57.360
You're this now, so be this.
01:00:57.440 --> 01:00:59.440
And that's a really good performative thing.
01:00:59.679 --> 01:01:05.039
It's funny that they call it a performance because it is, because they're basically saying, You are this, go be that.
01:01:05.199 --> 01:01:07.599
Now don't evolve and don't go back.
01:01:07.760 --> 01:01:13.280
But like, whatever this is, we're gonna make sure you stay this so that you can make us money and pump our message.
01:01:13.519 --> 01:01:22.719
And I think that that's really um, yeah, maybe that was what's sort of like where the performative chameleon part came in.
01:01:22.960 --> 01:01:41.360
Um, but that you know, this curated idea of everything you see through a screen is is that like all of this stuff eventually gets either bought out or like selling your soul to the devil doesn't mean you go, you know, if I get success, or if you give me success, hold on a second.
01:01:43.119 --> 01:01:44.719
I'm gonna sneeze at some point.
01:01:44.880 --> 01:01:45.519
It didn't come.
01:01:45.599 --> 01:01:48.320
It's like an orgasm that doesn't come when you can't sneeze.
01:01:48.719 --> 01:01:50.960
Um sorry.
01:01:52.159 --> 01:01:58.480
But uh selling your soul to the devil, it's like, well, you made something so beautiful and pure that the devil offers to buy it.
01:01:58.639 --> 01:02:00.480
And I I think that's what that means.
01:02:00.639 --> 01:02:04.800
I always used to think it was like you just find the devil and go, I'll do whatever the fuck you want, just make me famous.
01:02:04.880 --> 01:02:06.320
And I think that's another one, too.
01:02:06.559 --> 01:02:10.320
But the devil doesn't have to be this anthropomorphized like serpentine.
01:02:12.159 --> 01:02:13.119
Give me your soul.
01:02:13.280 --> 01:02:21.599
I think it's just like, yeah, the forces of evil or the things that like to corrupt beauty come along and go, well, we can make money off of that.
01:02:22.079 --> 01:02:27.679
Uh, or you know, whatever thing they want to make out of you to corrupt it.
01:02:27.920 --> 01:02:30.639
And you go, okay, yeah, let's do that.
01:02:30.800 --> 01:02:36.320
And then I'm willing to chip away at this beautiful thing that I am piece by piece, and it happens slow.
01:02:36.400 --> 01:02:42.239
It's like, you know, erosion, to where all of a sudden you're just whatever they wanted to mold you into.
01:02:42.800 --> 01:02:43.840
And you can see it.
01:02:43.920 --> 01:03:00.320
I mean, it's it's been evident forever, and and never more apparent than when somebody who isn't on your screens or isn't put into a uh position to perform then becomes that, and then they're like nothing like the thing that made them magical in the first place.
01:03:01.440 --> 01:03:12.880
And uh that that's so the you know, I keep meandering away from this everything through a screen is a lie, and distraction is the devil.
01:03:13.039 --> 01:03:18.320
Well, the fact that, like, okay, you sell your soul to the devil, well, where does the devil want you?
01:03:18.400 --> 01:03:24.639
It wants you performing, it wants you coming through the screens, it wants you out there, you know, broadcasted.
01:03:25.599 --> 01:03:34.400
And so all of that stuff that comes to you, you're not looking for it, it like comes to you, or you can find it, or nowadays it comes to you through algorithms and shit.
01:03:34.719 --> 01:03:36.719
But really, it's just readily available.
01:03:36.800 --> 01:03:42.239
And that's where I talked about like the normies or normal life is that like it's provided for you.
01:03:42.480 --> 01:03:44.559
Here's the message we want you to get.
01:03:44.639 --> 01:03:45.920
It's everywhere.
01:03:46.159 --> 01:03:50.079
You can't escape it unless you go internally, you know.
01:03:50.239 --> 01:03:58.239
Like that's um that's why I find the importance of this work is like, yeah, you're gonna find it when you start going inwards.
01:03:58.400 --> 01:04:03.440
Uh, because what if the shit is provided for you, it's gonna be what they want.
01:04:03.679 --> 01:04:07.840
And it doesn't matter if it's good for you or helps you, it's what they want.
01:04:08.079 --> 01:04:12.719
And that's why I do my best to stay away from screens.
01:04:13.840 --> 01:04:17.760
Um it's but I st I still like to be distracted.
01:04:17.840 --> 01:04:19.519
I don't think in the end it's the worst thing.
01:04:19.599 --> 01:04:24.800
It's just like know what you're I think that's that's part of the thing of just being aware.
01:04:24.960 --> 01:04:35.199
Know what you're involved in and don't identify with it or allow it to inhabit you in a way that like you start believing it, you know, like something like that.
01:04:35.920 --> 01:04:59.760
That there's there's a way to to be entertained or distracted that doesn't mold you into whatever they're trying to mold you into, but you have to have your feet firmly planted on the self-awareness side of things to go, I'll dip my toe in that, but I'm gonna take my toe out pretty quick and get back to being like I'm not jumping headfirst into the water.
01:04:59.920 --> 01:05:03.119
And I think a lot of people do that, and then all of a sudden they're drowning, and like, how the fuck did I get here?
01:05:03.199 --> 01:05:07.440
It's like, well, you you took on all the shit, you know, like you weren't very careful.
01:05:07.920 --> 01:05:13.760
And amazingly, all these other people that didn't jump in headfirst are willing to like pull you out of it.
01:05:14.079 --> 01:05:21.679
But you're like, no, I believe all the fucking water that's drowning me is or whatever it is, but it's like you you stay in there and fight and fight and fight.
01:05:22.320 --> 01:05:34.000
Um and that's that's sort of what I see, and and a lot of why I do this now, um, as I've somewhat pulled myself out of the water with a lot of help.
01:05:34.480 --> 01:05:47.360
And and then I see the way that when when I was in rehab and in sober living and stuff, unfortunately, a lot of these kids are so young that are in there, and um it was weird to be the elder statesman.
01:05:48.320 --> 01:05:55.039
But uh just how much the screens, the phones, the shit is uh a part of them.
01:05:55.280 --> 01:05:59.840
And it's interesting to me to be 40, and I like I grew up without all this shit.
01:06:00.239 --> 01:06:00.480
Shit.
01:06:00.639 --> 01:06:04.239
And so like I still have access to life without the internet in it.
01:06:04.320 --> 01:06:05.920
So when I want to go, all right, what's real?
01:06:06.079 --> 01:06:08.719
I have some sort of reference point where these kids don't.
01:06:08.960 --> 01:06:11.679
I mean, the screen is just as much a part of them as their arm.
01:06:11.760 --> 01:06:14.400
When you like put the screen down, it's like saying cut your fucking arm off.
01:06:14.480 --> 01:06:15.679
It's like, what are you talking about?
01:06:15.760 --> 01:06:17.679
I don't know what life is without this shit.
01:06:17.920 --> 01:06:19.519
And then you take them somewhere where it isn't.
01:06:19.599 --> 01:06:22.000
And it's like, yeah, it's like trying to tell me to run without my legs.
01:06:22.159 --> 01:06:23.280
Like that this doesn't make sense.
01:06:23.440 --> 01:06:25.280
So I've just I try to empathize with their position there.
01:06:25.360 --> 01:06:37.519
And it's like get it inhabit their headspace to be like, okay, how would I find my way to the realization I currently have, but in the unbelievably difficult world to navigate that they're currently in.
01:06:37.760 --> 01:06:40.960
And I think it you know, part of this podcast is doing that too.
01:06:41.039 --> 01:06:46.639
Like, how how I don't want to get so caught in my worldview that I give people advice only from my perspective.
01:06:46.800 --> 01:06:51.280
I think that was something that at least the millennials that I'm I converse with.
01:06:51.679 --> 01:06:58.159
We had such a frustrating thing with boomers who were like, do as I say, not as I do, or just it was always just like do what I tell you to.
01:06:58.320 --> 01:06:59.840
And then that was always like, why?
01:07:00.000 --> 01:07:00.960
And they couldn't tell you.
01:07:01.039 --> 01:07:04.800
Because it was just like, because I want you to, and I don't want to be fucking burdened by you.
01:07:05.199 --> 01:07:15.199
But like in this case, I want I what I want to do is help people to see that they have the agency and the power to kind of help themselves out of a bad situation.
01:07:15.679 --> 01:07:32.320
But how do you do that when the constant drone of everything they interact with is keeping them imprisoned in this message of like, I don't know, I don't even know what the overall message is, but basically just to keep in it.
01:07:32.480 --> 01:07:34.320
At this point, it's like you can't live without it.
01:07:34.400 --> 01:07:38.400
So stay in this and just let us fuck around with your brain all the time.
01:07:38.639 --> 01:07:42.719
And I had mentioned, you know, I had gone into conspiracy theory and stuff.
01:07:42.800 --> 01:07:45.920
And back when, like, you know, I don't want to give away anything.
01:07:46.320 --> 01:07:51.679
You could probably know by now, but like I did like reading 4chan stuff because I just liked how vile it was.
01:07:51.760 --> 01:08:03.360
It felt like the original internet where it was just completely it's so weird now, but I'm talking a while ago, that it was uh I did have a fascination with completely uncensored everything.
01:08:03.599 --> 01:08:09.599
Um, because it was interesting to see what what people were like, what the world was like.
01:08:09.840 --> 01:08:23.359
I I look back on that now and think it's probably not the best, but to like to see a completely unvarnished world where you're like, oh, all this death and gore and people are really like fucking racist and mean and shit, and it's just like whoa.
01:08:23.680 --> 01:08:25.199
Uh but for some reason I love that.
01:08:25.279 --> 01:08:26.880
It just felt super real to me.
01:08:26.960 --> 01:08:29.920
Like I had been lied to my whole life, and I'm finally seeing this for the first time.
01:08:30.000 --> 01:08:37.119
And maybe that was part of the appeal of it was like that was the trap I was in to start seeing more and more bad things because it felt more and more real.
01:08:37.199 --> 01:08:43.279
Like I had I'd been lied, I'm finally seeing the truth behind the lie, and it's like I want more of it, and then it really fucked my brain up.
01:08:43.680 --> 01:08:47.840
But um uh I don't know, fuck, god damn it.
01:08:47.920 --> 01:08:49.760
I forget where I was going with that.
01:08:49.920 --> 01:08:50.720
Ugh.
01:08:51.119 --> 01:08:56.960
Uh just the the the fact of like staying in this thing um of bad messaging and whatnot.
01:08:57.199 --> 01:08:59.439
Uh there's something about 4chan in there.
01:08:59.520 --> 01:08:59.760
I don't know.
01:08:59.840 --> 01:09:03.920
I don't, but I don't go on that shit anymore because oh, maybe I was gonna say this is that I got out of it.
01:09:04.000 --> 01:09:07.600
I stopped going on that, even like Reddit, which is weird in its own way.
01:09:07.760 --> 01:09:21.199
But I thought it was at least in like staying up on somewhat current events or like what's going on in the world, you know, you hear it from co-workers or family, and but like, okay, let me just see what's going on.
01:09:21.840 --> 01:09:26.720
And uh recently I went back there because I was just like, okay, let's speak to this, let's go see what's on there.
01:09:26.800 --> 01:09:31.359
And I couldn't believe how quickly I was demoralized by what was on there because it's just so negative.
01:09:31.840 --> 01:09:41.600
And um, when I was reading stuff like that, more often, like my worldview completely took that shape of like very tribal, very angry, very mean.
01:09:41.840 --> 01:09:44.880
Everything's out to get me, everything's bad.
01:09:45.119 --> 01:09:53.600
And when I got away from it for just a little bit, and I've been away for it for a long time now, but it's like it's never more apparent how bad this stuff is until you get away from it.
01:09:53.680 --> 01:09:55.840
And then obviously, alcohol for me is that way now.
01:09:55.920 --> 01:10:02.000
It's like I've had some time finally, some distance, and be like, holy shit, I can't believe how toxic and horrible that shit was.
01:10:02.159 --> 01:10:12.479
You know, you'd think acute pancreatitis and ICU stays and like over a dozen hospital stays and five rehab stints and all that shit would have told me to you know, step away.
01:10:12.800 --> 01:10:17.119
But it didn't and didn't until I finally just said I don't want to live like that anymore.
01:10:17.680 --> 01:10:25.039
And um it took me a while to even say I didn't I wanted to do it for me, I was doing it for other people, but whatever it took, like I was willing to do whatever it took.
01:10:25.199 --> 01:10:32.079
I eventually got to the realization that yeah, I'm doing this for me, but you know, use whatever you can at first to just get get out of the bad situation.
01:10:33.119 --> 01:10:46.000
Anyway, uh but when I went back to 4chan and I just read some shit and I saw all the toxicity and everything in the world, and or at least in that like really um what would you like, echo chamber?
01:10:46.319 --> 01:10:51.920
Um it was amazing how quickly my mood shifted, how how quickly my worldview was thrown off.
01:10:52.000 --> 01:10:56.560
And I was like, oh fuck, this is what the people who are doing this all day, every day.
01:10:56.640 --> 01:11:00.880
It's like such a powerful manipulation to your worldview.
01:11:01.119 --> 01:11:14.159
And the more I've been involved when just being in my day, just talking to the people around me, just seeing what's in my life and not going to screens for anything, it's incredible just how much more clarity I get.
01:11:14.239 --> 01:11:17.199
Like I'm still having a hard time with everything.
01:11:17.600 --> 01:11:22.239
If anything, I'm having a harder time because I'm having to face stuff that I otherwise would distract myself with.
01:11:22.319 --> 01:11:27.760
Because then I could go see the ills of the world and kind of like it is like misery porn, you know.
01:11:27.840 --> 01:11:29.680
I'm distracted by all of that shit.
01:11:29.760 --> 01:11:31.680
And it's like, I don't know, at least that's not me.
01:11:31.760 --> 01:11:33.920
Let's go see a different dead body.
01:11:35.600 --> 01:11:37.520
And uh I'm not, that's not me.
01:11:37.760 --> 01:11:39.119
Sucks to be them kind of shit.
01:11:39.199 --> 01:11:40.800
You know, it's like it's fucking crazy.
01:11:40.960 --> 01:11:46.159
But um, you know, as I as I've gotten away from it and I go back and see it.
01:11:46.239 --> 01:11:58.720
So I try to just say, like, this if it's like pulling them out of the matrix, you know, it's like get them out of the goo, and then the you know, the goo's gonna stay on them for a while, and we've got to work on washing all that shit off until they and then don't jump back in the goo once you're out of it.
01:11:58.960 --> 01:12:06.720
But this uh this evil black tarry goo that gets on you when you start paying attention to all this stuff and allowing it to shape your inner world.
01:12:06.800 --> 01:12:17.600
You know, when the outer world starts shaping your inner world is when I think you get in trouble, and the screens do it more powerfully than anything because it it gives you the illusion that you're doing it and you're not.
01:12:17.920 --> 01:12:39.359
So um I tried to move away from that, and then I just I don't know, I see how up against it younger kids are now, and I hate to be like, oh, you kids, and what's that meme with uh Steve Buscemi where he's standing in the in like high school, very clearly 60 years old, uh with a skateboard over his back.
01:12:39.520 --> 01:12:43.920
He's like, hey, young kids, friends, whatever, whatever the thing is, but it's like he's trying to be one of them.
01:12:44.000 --> 01:13:02.479
I'm not doing I hope I'm not coming off that way, but at least with a little bit of distance from all that, I I I want to impart something of hope on the younger kids of like it is gonna seem difficult, you know, to distance yourself from that which you feel is a part of you now, which is all this technology, but there is a lot outside of it.
01:13:02.640 --> 01:13:06.720
Um they have such a hard time like connecting with other humans now.
01:13:06.800 --> 01:13:08.000
It's it's I don't know.
01:13:08.079 --> 01:13:09.680
I don't know where we go from here.
01:13:10.239 --> 01:13:14.560
And that again, maybe just like that's the end of my why questioning.
01:13:14.640 --> 01:13:15.039
I don't know.
01:13:15.199 --> 01:13:15.600
I don't know.
01:13:15.760 --> 01:13:25.199
So then I just sit here and experience what there we are, just right back experiencing where we're at and try not to think about it too much.
01:13:25.760 --> 01:13:33.920
That's also the cure I found for my overthinking things, is just keep asking why until I'm not thinking anymore and I'm just in it.
01:13:34.239 --> 01:13:36.640
So I'm just gonna do that for the next week.
01:13:37.199 --> 01:13:39.119
And I I I'll listen to this back.
01:13:39.199 --> 01:13:40.880
I doubt this is publishable.
01:13:41.439 --> 01:13:44.880
Uh but if anything, I hope it puts some of my thoughts in order.
01:13:45.039 --> 01:13:50.239
I can hear something along the way here that will help me create a coherent outline that I can push out.
01:13:51.039 --> 01:13:56.159
Um but if not, if for some odd reason I listen to this back and go, you know what?
01:13:56.239 --> 01:14:00.239
I kind of was sitting on some shit there that who cares if it's not clean.
01:14:00.479 --> 01:14:02.239
Let's just put it out anyway.
01:14:02.800 --> 01:14:04.239
And perhaps I will.
01:14:05.199 --> 01:14:08.319
And in that case, it'd be sort of illuminating that this is my process.
01:14:08.479 --> 01:14:13.439
This is this is how what I'm trying to do to to build out whatever this thing becomes.
01:14:13.680 --> 01:14:16.640
And so, thanks for spending the time with me.
01:14:16.720 --> 01:14:17.600
It's been fun.
01:14:17.840 --> 01:14:19.600
And uh, I'll see you next week.