Showing Up for Fathers So They Can Show Up for Kids with Dr. Ed Armstrong

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Hey bla Talk fifteen eighty Good morning, Good morning, and
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God bless Why do I feel like it's Friday? Maybe
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wish we'll thinking I'm dominque deprive of. This show is
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called First Things First, and my first thing today and
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every day is given thanks to God, giving praises to
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the Most High, and asking for the blessings of the ancestors,
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the elders, and of course God Almighty. And then we
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then we go, go, go, go, y'all name this think
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tank Thursday. So we're gonna think about stuff all day
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long and try to be part of coming up with
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ways to improve our lives and be part of the
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greater good. Right, that's what we aim That's what I
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aim to always. Let's be a force for God in
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the world. Let's be a force for change. We're gonna
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make our daily pledge to be courageous, because well, these
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are crazy times, right, and courage is called for. Courage
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also happens to be contagious. So the way we do
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things on a think Tank Thursday. Our one we look local,
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what's going on on the left coast side of town,
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what we call the Pacific ocean side. Hour two, we
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go national, international and beyond, and in the third hour
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we do a deep dive hot topic, person of interest,
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or perhaps all of the above. We're mostly on point. Today.
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In hour three we'll be hearing from Pastor Eddie Anderson
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and looking at the role of the progressive in this
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current political environment. As a progressive pastor, that should be
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quite an engaging conversation. Aslan Pulley of the Chicago Torture
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Center is feeling better, has bounced back, so she's going
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to give us a report from the front lines what's
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going on with those ice rates. They are not only
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as they impact the immigrant community, of course that's of
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concern too, but also as it pertains to Black Americans
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who are being disproportionately impacted from what I understand on
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the ground there as well in ways we might not
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be seeing in the mainstream media. So we're going to
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get a look at that. Joining me in the studio
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right now though with a different angle on what's going
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on here on the left coast, and also, I would
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say super important right now at this moment in history.
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He's the co lead of something called the Fatherhood Well
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Being Initiative, which is part of the La County Department
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of Mental health. He plays a central role there in
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advancing their mission to support and uplift fathers across the
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LA County. But she didn't know that that was a thing.
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And he's been grounded in this work with twenty years
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of experience working directly with dads, including those dealing with trauma,
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economic hardship, re entry after incarceration, and all the other
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ways that life be life in and so we are
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very happy to have doctor Ed Armstrong in the studio.
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Good morning having me, Yeah, pleasure to be here. Yeah,
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it's great to have you in. I'm a person that
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feels that we sometimes we put mental health last. It's
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like got to eat, got to you know, maybe got
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to sleep, worry about my finances, keep the lights on,
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maybe work out, and mental health is number ten on
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the list.
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Well, it's not even on the list for some men
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and fathers. That's the issue you mentioned, the economic the
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challenges of supporting and raising and being a man that
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doesn't eat equal doesn't equate to mental health. And it's
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a conversation that's well overdue passed to. So hopefully this
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morning we'll have time to talk about what what the
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department is doing, what the county is doing to promote
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what you called is Oh I didn't even know about
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this well being initiative. Well, many people don't, and so
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hopefully this conversation today will promote more discussion and more interaction,
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more involvement by fathers, by men to get involved and
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get help, reduce stigma, reduce any pathology that's associated with
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men needing help. So that that's that's our that's our
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department's mission, that's my mission with his work.
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Well, Dr Armstrong, you're look, we got time today, let's
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talk about let's talk about it. And and you say
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it's not even on the list for men. Is that
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more so true than for women? That men justs mental
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health for sissies? Is that?
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Listen? Listen that that's that's that's the world we were
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raised in. That's the world. And and there's a cultural,
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a heavy cultural component. So black men are men of color.
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You don't you don't get help. That's that's not what
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we do. Suck it up, stop crying, you know, like
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you mentioned, uh, the there are a lot of negative
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stereotypes around me.
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Something to cry about.
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I'll give you something to cry about. And we we
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see the we see the pathology. We see how that
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that looks in our community. Uh, it results in directly
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results in father absenteism. So if a man can't be
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a man, he'll disappear. If a man can't be a man,
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he'll get angry.
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When you say if a man can't be a man,
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you mean our society's definition of a man, society is
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all short of this sort of superhero measurement, then he
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is going to just disappear and be a.
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Nothing because he won't get help.
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So, I mean, I think what you're saying right now
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is you know, we hear as women, we hear about
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men being under pressure and understanding that as a woman
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we say, okay, I'm under pressure too. But this idea
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that if I can't live up to some superhero metrics
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then I'm a failure and I need to disappear does
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help to explain the correalition between you know, mental health
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challenges and absenteeism.
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Absolutely, And how how do you as a woman when
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you're depressed or need help, you need support? What do
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you do?
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Usually call my girlfriends or get some French fries?
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Okay, that works. That men can definitely eat, We can
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definitely eat, but we don't talk. We don't emote.
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You know, it's so funny you say that, because men
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are always saying women talk talk, talk, talk talk, We're
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always on the phone. But in my observation, men talk talk,
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talk talk too. Men be on them cell phones. They
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might be talking about sports or poes, but they're talking
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just as much as we're talking.
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It's it's the quality, the substance of what they're talking about.
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There's there's little depth, uh in our in our dialogues
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right kind of historically, and that's that's what this really,
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this movement is all about. It's creating a space for
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fathers to be able to express themselves, to be able
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to to emote, to be able to cry, to be
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able to access those feelings of that hurt. They cause
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pain because they exist, they exist, but we just we've
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been trained to push and talk and us through and
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just you know, not not even do it.
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To be honest, I mean, they have to be there,
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y'all are human beings. Human beings have feelings and emotions.
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When you say there's no depth there, because you know
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this is and I feel kind of bad right now,
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guilty kind of listening to you, because I always I've
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always pushed back when men say, you know, you guys
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talk talk talk, and we don't talk. I know, men,
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I got a lot of brothers. You know, I had
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a husband at one time, and y'all be on dphone.
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So how do you get that depth within those conversations?
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I just assume that this is the sort of weird
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way that men support each other. I mean with women,
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we're very overt about a girl. You're gonna be all right.
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We listen to each other tell the same story three
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hundred times until we feel better. I just figured that's
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how men do it by talking about sports and cars
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and stuff, but apparently not. So how do you get
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to that depth?
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I think it is. It's it's reducing stigma around what
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depth is and our ability to go there. So women
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are nurtured as children, as babies, right too, to be loving,
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I mean just traditional right, everything about traditional gender roles.
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Yeah, yeah, I know in the black community, we're not
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always doing a lot of hugging and well so sometimes
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there's more yelling, and.
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Especially so with men, right, and so we are we've
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been reared to push feelings aside, not not not access emotions,
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especially if they're if they're negative, and so I think
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one of the one of the ways to kind of shift.
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Uh.
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And this is what we're doing with the department. So
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we'll talk about the departments, and we'll talk about you know,
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my perspective on things. What we're doing is creating spaces
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and and opportunities for men to just together get together.
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That's step one. Let's just let's just let's just get together,
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whether it be at a park, whether it be a crepy,
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Let's create the opportunity. Once the opportunity is there. Yeah,
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there'll be some dodger talk. You know, we lost last night.
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It's fine, We'll be okay, there'll be there'll be some
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dodger talking, right, But but what we what we talk
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about is and this is some of the work is
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curriculum based, some of it is rather organic. But we're
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talking about how you feel. How how you feel? No,
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I want to talk about how.
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You're I mean, the reason I'm laughing is, guy, I
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can't tell you how many self help books I've read
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where they say don't ask men how they feel.
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Why not?
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I don't know that because y'all don't want to be
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asked how you feel.
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We need right now, we need to be that's the
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problem that we need. We need to be asked.
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How we say, ask the man what he thinks, not
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what he feels.
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Well, we can do both. Man have the ability to
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to do to both think and feel at the same time.
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But what we see, you know, and we see the pathology.
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Rather as a psychologist, I look at behavior. So my
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behavior suggests how you really feel and how you think. Well,
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how you feel more so than what you think. And
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so if we don't create opportunities to talk about feelings,
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we will watch behaviors and if the feelings are negative,
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the behaviors are also going to be negative. That's the problem.
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That's the equation, Doctor ed Armstrong is with us. If
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you have a thing to say about this, you want
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to weigh in, or you have a question, you're invited
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eight hundred and nine two oh fifteen eighty, or hop
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in the chat on YouTube KBLA fifteen eighty. The comments
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section is always rather lively. I'm Dominique ta Prima for
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KBLA Talk fifteen eighty. Now here's the thing I didn't
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know existed, the La County, And I know a thing
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or two about the county. You know, not as much
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as you know the experts because it's massive, but I
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know a thing or two. I didn't know the La
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County Department of Mental Health had a Father's Support Hub.
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Who knew? Maybe you did. I'm pretty sure doctor Ed
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Armstrong did because he is over this initiative. What is
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that hub? What does it do, what does it offer?
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Why do we care?
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Yeah?
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Yeah, let's talk about it. So Los Angeles County Department
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and Mental Health the largest mental health system in the nation,
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So let me just let me just say.
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That start there.
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We're big and in June of twenty twenty three, our
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Border Supervisors launched an initiative for all county county departments
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to create a father well Being initiative within their respective programs.
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So we're talking about not only DMH, DCFS, probation, the
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court system, child support. The Border Supervisors were super intentional
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about making sure fathers, primarily fathers of color, had access
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to resources and support to engage with their children and
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for us to access mental health services. The hub is
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essentially designed to create opportunities for wellness groups. We have
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a platform where folks can email in and get information
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about resources in their community. So the range of interests
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that we get on. This particular hub is school districts,
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court systems dcfs reaching out on behalf of fathers who
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want to get treatment, and so treatment from that from
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a fatherhood perspective is not only it's not just your
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traditional mental health treatment, but it's intervention strategies designed to
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promote father engagement because we know what father absenteism looks
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like in this country, we know what it looks like
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in LA and I have a bunch of stats and
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maybe we'll get to it later on, maybe we won't.
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But the Wellness Hub is designed for people throughout the county,
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huge county to access support and services, and many people,
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many people don't know, many people don't know about it.
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But since launching it, we receive interest on a daily
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basis from the community reaching out for help, which we're
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incredibly proud.
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Of, which is great. I mean in d MH for
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Department of Mental Health DMH dot La County dot gov.
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If you go there, then you can probably type in
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Father's Support Hub and find it.
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That's it.
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I'm on there right now and I do see a
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lot of different stuff. When you say the Board of
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Supervisors was intentional regarding this initiative of every department. Having
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a father help component the ideas to get make sure
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more dads are engaged with their family, with their kids,
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whether they're divorced, ores separated, or never married, or whether
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they're even still in the home.
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Absolutely, yeah, that's it. And so we define father absenteeism
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as just simply out of the children's lives. Right, So
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we understand and that when a father is involved with
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with the the mom, whether it's co parenting or in
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a relationship, or primarily when the father is involved with
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the child, the statistics the research suggests that there are
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better outcomes, better quality of life, lower risk of criminal involvement,
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better academic success. So understanding the risks of father absenteism,
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what we're doing is we're promoting get engaged, getting you
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get in your children's life. You may not be with
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the mom, you may not you know, we're not we're
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not healthy relationships, I think is a byproduct of father engagement.
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You can have a healthy relationship and not being in
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a relationship, but you can also you can definitely have
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a healthy relationship with your child regardless of your relationship status.
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And that's what we're promoting. We're promoting the reduction of
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stigma related to getting help to getting in your children's life,
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and we believe those things are interconnected a great deal.
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Don't judge.
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Well, I'll take that.
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Okay, Well, you know that's one of those internet memes.
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But I see there's also a helpline here twenty four
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to seven the eight hundred and eighty five four seven
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seven seven one. What is the purpose of that?
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Emergencies crisis twenty four hours, seven days a week, So anybody,
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And it's so this is above and beyond just fatherhood
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and paternal mental health. That's health mental health crisis primarily,
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so you're psychiatric emergencies.
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It's interesting because I feel like, I mean, when I
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talk to you, it seems like there's all these resources
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available for mental health, but it seems like it's not
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that easy always to get help when you need it.
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I mean, if you need therapy or ongoing support, maybe
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I just don't know where to access it. We've done
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many shows with on mental health and different resources come
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to the fore. But when I look at the accessibility,
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it seems like it could be better.
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It can always be better, it can always do better.
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This is a start. The hub was launched in January
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of this year. So it was just launched very intentionally,
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so right, So it was developed to create a network
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of community partners, community based organizations for us to be
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able to share and essentially develop resources, share resources, increase
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accessibility for people in the community. So a one stop shop.
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So if you were to go to this website and
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you contact our staff again, we receive these daily emails,
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a daily request for information, whether it be a father
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seeking support or a partner seeking support for their father,
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or a school district for example, who wants someone to
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come speak to their parents and speak to their fathers,
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or any type of engagement or outreach efforts. It starts there.
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So a part of promoting accessibility is you inviting me
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on this show.
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Thank you very much for having me anytime. You're always welcome,
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Mike is your mind.
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Yes, absolutely, and get and getting the word out about
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what the department is doing and building more relationships through
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through this initiative, through these conversations, through this dialogue. Uh so,
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you know, half of half of my brain is focused
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on accessibility and the other half is focused on reducing stigma.
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So you can be as successful as you want to be.
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But if there's stigma surrounding paternal mental health and men
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seeking help.
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Right, meaning that people feel judged or they feel like
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it makes them into a something or other, A sucker,
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a sissy, as simple, you know whatever. So how do
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you reduce stigma? I mean, how do we do that?
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It's like somebody's got to go in the water first.
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We're all in the water. I'm in the water, right,
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I think, me being here, me being a black male
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psychologist who served in the Marines, who was in law enforcement.
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I appreciate it, thank you. I am I am by design,
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someone who should be using toxic masculinity, right, but I'm
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not right. I'm a psychologist who's who's he. I will,
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I will emote, I will share, I encourage other men
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to share. I promote sharing. And that's how that's how
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stigma starts, stigma is reduced.
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Right, you say toxic masculinity because that's the image of
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the Marines and also the police department. I've long said cops,
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cops need to have mandatory a counseling or therapy, every
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single one of them, in mandatory mental health check ins.
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Absolutely, yeah, no argument here, no, yeah, yeah, I agree
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with you. I agree with you. That is that this,
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this conversation, and I think this effort is the And
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let me just back up. Neither first time I went
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to therapy a young cop, a young cop because an
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older cop who had developed a relationship, a mentor who
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I really looked up to, says, hey, man, go talk
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to somebody. It's not bad at all. I did it.
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It worked right. It opened my eyes to talking and
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emoting can be very, very healing. It restores us, it
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can restore men. And that's the frame that we're trying
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to shift. So seeking help is restorative.
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Right, it's healing. It's We've got news, traffic, and sports
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right here. But we welcome you in eight hundred and
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nine to fifteen eighty if you want to say something
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about something you got a question? If not, you know
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I do. Doctor Ed Armstrong is here and we are
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talking dads and what's available to you. The Father's Support
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Hub is a place to start. KBLA talk fifteen eighty.
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Do you appreciate you? We are talking with doctor Ed Armstrong
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and he really wants you to be familiar with all
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the things that La County Department of Mental Health is
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doing with their Fatherhood Well Being Initiative. You know, I
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think it's important. We're always talking on Father's Day about
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how the classic Chris Rock jokes about how nobody appreciates father. Wow, Dad,
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thanks for these lights. You know, it's really great to
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have lights on.
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And the big piece of chicken. And the big piece
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of chicken. That's it.
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And so this and this is something that's been launched
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by the county since January to be filtering through every
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single department in terms of supporting.
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Yeah, that actually started in June of twenty twenty twenty three.
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Sour Our Hubs started.
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At the Hub.
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Yeah, we launched that in January this year.
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Okay, we've got Bobby on the phone calling us from
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La Bobby, good morning. You're on with doctor Armstrong.
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Hey, Dominice, how are you.
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I'm blessed? What's on your mind this morning?
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I have a question for Dr Armstrong. Well, all these
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mass shootings by white men, what's going on with the
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mental health of white men?
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It's a broadcast, it's.
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A very broad question. I mean, yeah, I think it
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speaks to the general nature of men. Uh, you know,
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and we're we're talking about men of color primarily for
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this particular segment. But I think there's a tremendous amount
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of stigma related to men seeking help and across across
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I mean nationality.
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I think it's a it's a broad question, but I
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do think it's a fair question, not just because of
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the mass shootings at high schools and stuff, but the attacks,
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you know, the white supremacist attacks like at the tops
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market and the church, and you know even you know,
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the recent killing of one very famous influencer by another
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person that was also white. It's it, you know, it
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seems like it is a problem right now for our society.
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Yeah. Absolutely, I think when when you look to answer
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your question, Bobby, from my perspective pathology, when we look
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at behaviors there, there's there's a core, there's something there
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that's deeper. And what we're what we're pushing for, uh
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in paternal mental health and male mental health, is having
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access to those feelings to prevent that pathological behavior. So
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how do we how do we provide an intervention? How
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do we provide space for men to seek help before
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they reach that point? Because if you know, we can
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always argue that that with proper intervention, folks are like
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less likely to engage in deviant or pathological behavior. So
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that that's our that's our collective challenge in the in
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the mental health field.
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Broadly, so they have the same lefts and downs as
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black men and white men deal. All men do get
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their problems talking their problems out and talking to.
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People here are So you're saying, what you're asking is
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you said they have the same problems, Dr Armstrong Greed.
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But what you're asking is will the talk, therapy or
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talking with groups of trusted friends or individual trusted friends
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help them in the same way that would help us.
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Is that what you're asking?
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Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.
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I mean it's tough. It's tough to speculate on that.
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I mean, there's so so many individual nuances related to
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why why people engage in behaviors. I will say that broadly,
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one of the differences between their cultural differences and accessibility
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in stigma in terms of getting help, it looks different
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in different communities.
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Yeah, and that's We're all human beings. I mean, all
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of us need human connection. We need to be able
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to talk out our feelings. Maybe it's it's a different
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kind of talking out, but I mean I think we're
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all human beings and we all need support and help.
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Paul in the chat says social media provided a vehicle
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for a ton of these radicalized people to seek out
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and find each other. They're angrier, lonelier, and have more grievances.
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I mean that's our perception, you know, watching from the
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outside looking in, and and to address that.
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There's also opportunity. I mean, social media from our perspective,
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creates opportunities to create other spaces that are less negative, right,
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And so being intentional about creating spaces for folks to
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gather and express feelings can also be done with social media.
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So social media it's.
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A two way stress. Yeah, double edged sword for sure.
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Absolutely.
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Molly Bell asks, men are y'all hurting over the White
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House and the men in leadership? I hear anguish, but
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black women hurt openly. Mental health doesn't always seem to
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be included.
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She's absolutely right. That is, if you were to summarize
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everything that we've discussed, women emote to express things openly.
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Men suffer internally.
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And that's the definition of internalizing things, right, which means
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it can make you stressed, It can make you sick.
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I mean not in a sort of airy fairy way,
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but actual like actual pressure, heart attack, strokes.
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Absolutely all the things. Yeah, we know that statistically, man
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are three times more likely to commit suicide than women.
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And part of that is is how we process and
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how we internalize grief, pain and anguish. As the lady
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in the Chad described, Willie.
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Ellis wants to know if there's such a thing as
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a reformed racist. Seems like a bit of a swerve,
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but I guess it's stemming off of Bobby's question.
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Okay, it's a good question.
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I'm going to say yes. From my perspective, all human
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beings have the ability to reform themselves.
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Absolutely.
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Otherwise, if we don't believe that, then we just give up.
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Then we give up and we stop. So what is
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learned can be unlearned and then new things can be relearned.
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I mean, that's a core of Like I'm not a
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not a pure behavioral psychologist, but understanding every behavior is
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learned and it can be unlearned and relearned. I mean,
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so people can be shaped, even the darkest, darkest of woy.
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So, I mean, I also think Bobby's question about you know,
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people doing mass shootings and these horrendous attacks goes back
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to the question of what we're supposed to be pouring
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into our babies young men in early childhood. How do
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we set them up to be able to get the help,
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to be able to move away from that stigma and
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have a healthy mental health environment.
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Well, it starts with creating an environment. I want to
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highlight a couple agencies. Children's Institute Incorporated, a large early
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education mental health treatment organization, and the Children's Collective. Children's
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Institute launched Project Fatherhood. Doctor the late doctor hirschel Swinger,
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great great man, one of my mentors. I received Project
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Fatherhood training from him over twenty years ago. Great legacy
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for what that what that organization is doing. So they're
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integrating early childhood daycres, other types of other types of
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early childhood interventions and interweaving that with fathers with with
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fathers getting support. So we're bringing there treating the whole
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family system. The same can be said with the Children's Collective.
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Children's Collective has launched a new Fatherhood hub for fathers
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to come in and get exposure to treatment as a
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part of their their engagement with the families. So when
483
00:27:35.400 --> 00:27:37.799
and and earlier off you know, during our break we
484
00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:43.839
spoke about postpartum in men. It does exist, folks. Folks
485
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:46.400
really don't think it exists because it's not it's not
486
00:27:46.480 --> 00:27:47.720
publicized a right.
487
00:27:47.839 --> 00:27:52.680
So, after the family has a baby, right, the man
488
00:27:52.799 --> 00:27:55.279
can also experience depression and anxiety.
489
00:27:55.279 --> 00:27:59.640
And out of every ten men experience postpartum depression.
490
00:27:59.519 --> 00:28:02.279
And they don't know, they probably don't recognize it.
491
00:28:02.400 --> 00:28:03.359
Well, you know what it looks like?
492
00:28:04.200 --> 00:28:05.240
What does it look like?
493
00:28:05.400 --> 00:28:13.720
Anger, irritability, isolation? What's wrong with this? He doesn't care?
494
00:28:13.799 --> 00:28:16.000
Why is Why is he not engaging with me? Why
495
00:28:16.039 --> 00:28:19.279
is he not engaging with the baby? Our behave Males,
496
00:28:19.279 --> 00:28:22.279
male's behavior when it comes to things like depression and
497
00:28:22.319 --> 00:28:27.359
anxiety fundamentally look different. Right men behave we act out?
498
00:28:27.599 --> 00:28:27.759
Right?
499
00:28:27.799 --> 00:28:31.200
We don't We don't we so we internalize and we
500
00:28:31.240 --> 00:28:32.920
act out And so one of the things that one
501
00:28:32.920 --> 00:28:36.079
of the reasons why I mentioned the importance of early
502
00:28:36.799 --> 00:28:40.599
childhood and early intervention is to address some of the
503
00:28:41.160 --> 00:28:45.759
postpartum challenges that men face, integrating the fathers with with
504
00:28:45.799 --> 00:28:48.079
the children, kind of normalizing some of these some of
505
00:28:48.119 --> 00:28:52.680
these physical and emotional changes that happened during you know,
506
00:28:52.799 --> 00:28:55.680
during the latter stages of pregnancy, well in some cases
507
00:28:55.759 --> 00:28:58.960
throughout the entire pregnancy, but from the latter ends of
508
00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:03.160
pregnancy during that first year. If fathers have an opportunity
509
00:29:03.240 --> 00:29:08.599
to combine mental health with the with the care and
510
00:29:08.640 --> 00:29:12.200
the development of the children, you create a stronger bond that
511
00:29:12.440 --> 00:29:17.039
will likely to continue to connect uh and continue to
512
00:29:17.079 --> 00:29:21.720
grow throughout the child's life. That's a great that's a
513
00:29:21.720 --> 00:29:22.640
great starting point.
514
00:29:22.720 --> 00:29:25.599
Yeah. I mean, one in ten black fathers having are
515
00:29:25.640 --> 00:29:31.720
all fathers having post partum is a lot of folks,
516
00:29:31.720 --> 00:29:34.759
And I would imagine the reaction is, well, you should
517
00:29:34.759 --> 00:29:36.960
be happy you had a baby. You should be happy
518
00:29:37.079 --> 00:29:39.559
you know your child is healthy, the wife is healthy,
519
00:29:39.599 --> 00:29:40.160
or the mama.
520
00:29:40.880 --> 00:29:45.480
Yeah, well there's that, and then there's the perception of
521
00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:48.200
what what would my dad be upset? Well, how would
522
00:29:48.240 --> 00:29:51.119
my dad want me to handle this? So a lot
523
00:29:51.119 --> 00:29:53.160
of the bias, a lot of stigma comes from within.
524
00:29:54.400 --> 00:29:57.559
I shouldn't be upset. I'm here to support her. She
525
00:29:57.640 --> 00:30:00.559
went through the childbirth, she's experiencing everything. Why am I
526
00:30:00.559 --> 00:30:03.079
feeling like this? So we suppress it, don't We don't.
527
00:30:02.960 --> 00:30:04.400
Well, why is he feeling like that?
528
00:30:05.119 --> 00:30:10.319
There are hormonal changes that happen to men, right, Testosterone changes,
529
00:30:11.119 --> 00:30:15.519
oxytocin levels change, There's some behavior, there's some physiological changes
530
00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:19.880
that happen when men when men, when men are part
531
00:30:19.920 --> 00:30:23.400
of the birth giving process, and many people don't realize that. Uh,
532
00:30:23.559 --> 00:30:25.640
and that's what we need to We need to bring
533
00:30:25.680 --> 00:30:29.640
that to the attention of the medical community knows, I
534
00:30:29.680 --> 00:30:32.920
think part of the paternal mental health community. But these
535
00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:36.279
these two communities aren't aren't quite speaking, they're not quite
536
00:30:36.319 --> 00:30:39.240
engaged as they should be. But that's an opportunity for us.
537
00:30:39.319 --> 00:30:41.559
That's not I want to quickly flag something you said,
538
00:30:41.880 --> 00:30:45.839
which is that you're dealing with the family systems model,
539
00:30:45.920 --> 00:30:50.160
because so many times I think we as a society
540
00:30:50.279 --> 00:30:54.279
and definitely as media, say that person needs help, that
541
00:30:54.400 --> 00:30:57.400
child is a problem, that dad is a dead bee dad,
542
00:30:57.400 --> 00:30:59.799
that child is a gang member, and we think you
543
00:30:59.799 --> 00:31:03.160
can just clean up the one person and then put
544
00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:06.200
them back in that dirty environment and they're going to
545
00:31:06.279 --> 00:31:06.799
stay clean.
546
00:31:06.920 --> 00:31:08.839
And we know that, we know that doesn't work, do
547
00:31:08.920 --> 00:31:12.359
we we know that. We look at the stats, look
548
00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:13.920
at look at the stats. I mean, you can look
549
00:31:13.960 --> 00:31:20.400
at every every metric in our community, whether it's it's
550
00:31:20.799 --> 00:31:27.319
low academic success, higher rates of incarceration, lower financial stability,
551
00:31:27.880 --> 00:31:32.559
can all be connected to in part father absentee, father
552
00:31:32.599 --> 00:31:36.720
absenteeism and a lack of the lack of treatment for
553
00:31:36.880 --> 00:31:39.920
a for the entire family. Again, we're not promoting we're
554
00:31:39.920 --> 00:31:43.440
not promoting state stay with her just because we're we're
555
00:31:43.440 --> 00:31:47.200
promoting healthy relationships. In terms of family engagement.
556
00:31:47.640 --> 00:31:50.720
Doesn't mean you have to stay together and keep being
557
00:31:50.759 --> 00:31:53.160
a couple. It just means you have to be president
558
00:31:53.720 --> 00:31:57.319
of the family systems. Show up.
559
00:31:57.799 --> 00:31:59.559
That's it, show up, pick up the skull. You know
560
00:31:59.599 --> 00:32:02.480
they're There are school districts in La County who do
561
00:32:02.559 --> 00:32:06.079
a great job of having you know, the doughnuts with dads,
562
00:32:07.880 --> 00:32:11.960
special events where fathers and uncles and grandfathers are are
563
00:32:12.359 --> 00:32:15.119
assigned to drop the kids off and we share resources.
564
00:32:15.160 --> 00:32:17.599
We come together and we talk about the importance of
565
00:32:18.000 --> 00:32:20.000
being in your child's life and the benefits of being
566
00:32:20.039 --> 00:32:24.319
in child's life and the benefits and obviously the benefits
567
00:32:24.400 --> 00:32:28.759
are great for the child, but there's also benefits for
568
00:32:28.799 --> 00:32:29.480
the mom.
569
00:32:30.279 --> 00:32:32.559
And I would imagine the dad. I mean, I just
570
00:32:32.599 --> 00:32:36.680
feel like men are so much more grounded or happy
571
00:32:36.759 --> 00:32:38.279
when they are connected with their.
572
00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:40.799
Children, absolutely, absolutely, no.
573
00:32:40.680 --> 00:32:42.599
Matter what they're doing with the mama.
574
00:32:42.680 --> 00:32:46.480
Right, And we see that all the time, and I
575
00:32:46.559 --> 00:32:49.119
think what I think what tends to happen is we
576
00:32:49.160 --> 00:32:55.079
want to intentionally target those fathers who feel like they're
577
00:32:55.200 --> 00:32:59.519
less than because they're not present or they cannot economically.
578
00:33:00.839 --> 00:33:03.680
There are a lot of social norms around being a dad. Yeah,
579
00:33:03.759 --> 00:33:05.799
and if I can't if I can't pick my son
580
00:33:05.920 --> 00:33:08.640
up or my daughter up, and I can't have something
581
00:33:09.079 --> 00:33:10.920
for him, or if I can't take him to eat,
582
00:33:11.200 --> 00:33:14.440
if I can't give him something, I basically failed as
583
00:33:14.480 --> 00:33:17.359
a man and as a father. We want to we
584
00:33:17.480 --> 00:33:22.799
want to eradicate that and emphasize that your presence is
585
00:33:22.920 --> 00:33:25.240
enough and the stuff will come later.
586
00:33:25.279 --> 00:33:29.559
On Doctor Ed Armstrong is our guest. We're talking fatherhood.
587
00:33:29.960 --> 00:33:33.400
Couldn't get much more important of a conversation than that.
588
00:33:33.440 --> 00:33:37.839
It's KBLA Talk fifteen eighty. Yeah, interesting conversation, Doctor Ed
589
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:42.680
Armstrong off Mike. We were talking about why the suicide
590
00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:48.839
rate is going up, particularly among young black boys, because
591
00:33:49.319 --> 00:33:53.200
this is one area where black folks have always actually
592
00:33:53.279 --> 00:33:58.759
had better outcomes. We're less likely to do suicide to ourselves,
593
00:33:59.000 --> 00:34:02.400
both boys and girls meant old and young, and now
594
00:34:02.799 --> 00:34:07.000
the numbers are starting to climb for black boys in particular.
595
00:34:06.920 --> 00:34:11.199
They're climbing and they're also the age they're getting younger.
596
00:34:11.559 --> 00:34:14.519
It's happening younger. And I read about a little girl too.
597
00:34:14.599 --> 00:34:16.840
I think she was like ten or something in took
598
00:34:16.880 --> 00:34:20.480
her own life. That is very troubling. What are we
599
00:34:20.559 --> 00:34:21.760
meant to be doing about this?
600
00:34:22.199 --> 00:34:27.840
Seeking help, getting help, normalizing help. Mental health matters, And
601
00:34:27.840 --> 00:34:34.719
I think starting very very early, creating opportunities in spaces
602
00:34:34.760 --> 00:34:40.079
for children to talk about their feelings, to process their feelings.
603
00:34:40.719 --> 00:34:44.679
Their worlds are social media, right, so they have a
604
00:34:44.760 --> 00:34:48.119
vision of what reality looks like from this social media lens,
605
00:34:49.360 --> 00:34:53.960
and that lens doesn't always talk about discomfort and pain
606
00:34:54.280 --> 00:34:56.679
and help. And so if you don't see the world
607
00:34:56.760 --> 00:35:01.719
through that lens, this glamorous lens of everything's perfect you,
608
00:35:02.159 --> 00:35:05.800
it further magnifies your inferiority.
609
00:35:07.519 --> 00:35:09.079
Right. You feel like you're the only one that has
610
00:35:09.119 --> 00:35:12.760
problems because everyone else is giving you their Instagram version
611
00:35:12.800 --> 00:35:13.480
of themselves.
612
00:35:13.480 --> 00:35:16.320
Absolutely absolutely and and and the likes.
613
00:35:16.480 --> 00:35:19.079
But as parents and I and again back to your
614
00:35:19.079 --> 00:35:22.159
fatherhood initiative, I think we're more likely to tell boys
615
00:35:22.199 --> 00:35:24.400
suck it up, get it together, but we do it
616
00:35:24.400 --> 00:35:27.559
to young women too. I mean, you know, quick crying.
617
00:35:28.440 --> 00:35:31.079
We think that they're trying to get out of stuff,
618
00:35:31.079 --> 00:35:33.519
that they're being lazy, that they're being whiny.
619
00:35:33.760 --> 00:35:38.760
We're parenting, we're parenting. Uh, let's let's parent a little
620
00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:39.840
bit differently.
621
00:35:39.960 --> 00:35:43.360
So what's the line there between coddling and babying our
622
00:35:43.480 --> 00:35:47.920
kids something I admit I've been accused of that, you
623
00:35:47.920 --> 00:35:51.800
know what I mean, and and between coddling and you know,
624
00:35:53.000 --> 00:35:55.920
abusing by not offering them the help that they need.
625
00:35:55.960 --> 00:35:59.239
Yeah, it's it's definitely. Uh, it's definitely a fine line
626
00:35:59.280 --> 00:36:02.480
and a shift. I think. I think the the idea
627
00:36:03.039 --> 00:36:07.320
of calling in our community come from a really really
628
00:36:07.320 --> 00:36:10.639
important place, like black people don't have space to be
629
00:36:11.920 --> 00:36:15.559
complaining or why this is, this is all stereotyped. We
630
00:36:15.800 --> 00:36:17.599
don't have time to be soft. We we gotta we gotta
631
00:36:17.639 --> 00:36:19.480
get out there, we gotta we gotta pick ourselves by
632
00:36:19.519 --> 00:36:21.320
the bootstraps. Get out there. Nobody's gonna help us. We
633
00:36:21.320 --> 00:36:23.880
gotta help ourselves. Don't cry, get out there and make
634
00:36:23.920 --> 00:36:24.239
it happen.
635
00:36:24.280 --> 00:36:26.920
Don't cry, pick cotton exactly.
636
00:36:27.400 --> 00:36:31.320
So, But it's twenty twenty five, right, And I'm not
637
00:36:31.400 --> 00:36:35.679
saying that historical trauma doesn't impact how we think and
638
00:36:35.800 --> 00:36:40.599
move and operate today. I'm suggesting that we incorporate more
639
00:36:40.760 --> 00:36:46.239
contemporary strategies to address or to allow children to open up,
640
00:36:46.280 --> 00:36:50.880
to allow children to cry. I will tell you, uh,
641
00:36:50.920 --> 00:36:52.920
and I share this with with with some men I
642
00:36:52.960 --> 00:36:56.880
speak with. I only saw my dad cry once once
643
00:36:56.920 --> 00:36:58.840
in his entire life. And that was that was when
644
00:36:58.880 --> 00:37:02.960
his father passed away. Uh. And so like seeing a
645
00:37:02.960 --> 00:37:06.960
man and it was it was very emotional because.
646
00:37:07.119 --> 00:37:08.840
My dad cry once and it was when my sister
647
00:37:08.920 --> 00:37:09.440
was murdered.
648
00:37:09.480 --> 00:37:12.639
So so yeah, and and come to it. Come to
649
00:37:12.719 --> 00:37:15.960
a man's group, come to a man's space. You will
650
00:37:15.960 --> 00:37:18.480
see me and cry every day. Really you will see
651
00:37:18.519 --> 00:37:19.679
you will see men crying.
652
00:37:19.679 --> 00:37:21.599
And they're okay with it, and they're okay with it.
653
00:37:21.639 --> 00:37:23.000
They're not judging each other.
654
00:37:23.559 --> 00:37:27.559
You scratch the surface, listen, you scratch the surface. One
655
00:37:27.599 --> 00:37:30.440
guy cries, You just scratch it a little bit. Everybody
656
00:37:30.440 --> 00:37:32.840
cries in there because we've we've we've carried so much
657
00:37:33.199 --> 00:37:37.880
over the years. What I'm suggesting is that we integrate
658
00:37:39.360 --> 00:37:43.360
emoting and crying an expression of feelings. And it doesn't
659
00:37:43.400 --> 00:37:45.920
have to be tears, right, because it's tears is a
660
00:37:46.320 --> 00:37:49.760
you know, it's an extreme form of you know, it's
661
00:37:49.800 --> 00:37:52.760
it's pain, it's it's it doesn't have to be that extreme.
662
00:37:53.239 --> 00:37:56.599
I would like us to start normalizing. How do you feel?
663
00:37:56.840 --> 00:37:58.599
How did that make you feel? How are you feeling
664
00:37:58.679 --> 00:38:02.639
right now? Check in and have conversations about what our
665
00:38:02.719 --> 00:38:06.639
kids are experiencing m because they're they're experiencing it.
666
00:38:06.840 --> 00:38:09.880
And part of it is this is my perception, but
667
00:38:09.960 --> 00:38:12.119
I think part of it is as parents, we have
668
00:38:12.199 --> 00:38:17.000
an ego trip that how our kids act reflects on us.
669
00:38:17.840 --> 00:38:20.000
So they need to be quiet and good at all times.
670
00:38:21.039 --> 00:38:22.920
And and what is that? What are you telling? What
671
00:38:22.960 --> 00:38:24.079
are you what are we telling them?
672
00:38:24.199 --> 00:38:25.199
Don't express yourself?
673
00:38:25.599 --> 00:38:27.960
Tuck it away, suck it up, Suck it up because
674
00:38:27.960 --> 00:38:31.920
there's a social norm. I have expectations for you that
675
00:38:32.000 --> 00:38:35.360
match what what society says is you know, society is
676
00:38:35.400 --> 00:38:40.519
deemed appropriate. That may not, that's incongruent with how you're
677
00:38:40.559 --> 00:38:44.079
feeling in that moment, and so and so we're training
678
00:38:44.159 --> 00:38:47.119
our children to suppress feelings.
679
00:38:48.360 --> 00:38:51.119
Okay, well, Dr Armstrong, you're going to have to come
680
00:38:51.199 --> 00:38:53.679
back if you don't mind. The hour has flown by.
681
00:38:54.320 --> 00:38:59.360
Tell us how to connect with this father support hunt.
682
00:38:59.480 --> 00:39:03.760
Visit, visit our website, get spend some time on the
683
00:39:03.840 --> 00:39:06.480
on the La County d mh's website. There's a plethora
684
00:39:06.519 --> 00:39:10.639
of resources for all families and all populations in need
685
00:39:11.199 --> 00:39:14.400
of particular We want you to visit the father website
686
00:39:14.519 --> 00:39:19.480
Fatherhood Support site. Look around there. There are over forty
687
00:39:19.519 --> 00:39:22.840
five forty five to fifty groups that are that happen
688
00:39:22.920 --> 00:39:25.239
county wide. So regardless if you're an Avy, if you're
689
00:39:25.239 --> 00:39:27.960
in Long Beach, you're in Pomona, there's there's help for you.
690
00:39:28.679 --> 00:39:31.280
So visit our site. Tell us what communicate, tell us
691
00:39:31.320 --> 00:39:33.559
what you need are well, we'll come out, we'll we'll
692
00:39:33.800 --> 00:39:37.800
we'll speak, we'll engage, we'll do a presentation, we will
693
00:39:37.840 --> 00:39:41.679
offer support in any way this community needs. And this
694
00:39:41.760 --> 00:39:44.880
is this is a really good time. Twenty twenty five
695
00:39:44.960 --> 00:39:48.239
is a really really good time to be a La
696
00:39:48.320 --> 00:39:52.400
County resident who needs help. The help is there for fathers,
697
00:39:52.400 --> 00:39:54.679
for anybody in the community, and we're excited to be
698
00:39:54.679 --> 00:39:56.880
able to support this entire county.
699
00:39:57.239 --> 00:39:59.920
Well, Doc jo Arsheung, thank you so much, appreciate the conversation.
700
00:40:00.159 --> 00:40:01.519
Absolutely, thank you for having me.
701
00:40:01.599 --> 00:40:04.480
Yep, let's see what's going on in Chicago after news,
702
00:40:04.519 --> 00:40:08.039
traffic and sports. That's next on KBLA Talk fifteen eighty