How Forgiveness Saved Our Marriage

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Hey everybody, welcome to Higher Impact.
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Karl and I are here today to talk about the topic of forgiveness.
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You may wonder why, and the reason is actually a very simple, it's because it saved our marriage.
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That's true.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I didn't realize how much unforgiveness I had in my life until I learned some of the principles we're gonna share with you today.
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I would bet that you would feel the same way.
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Um, we, we had no idea how unforgiveness was just oozing out of us.
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And, um.
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Um, so we had a lot to learn and once we became aware and were taught about this, it changed everything for us.
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So we hope today as you listen, it changes your marriage, it changes your life, it changes your relationships with those around you.
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We want to give credit where credit is due.
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In, uh, 2010, we were introduced to now good friends of ours named Eldon and Judy Blandford, and they are in the.
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Seattle, Tacoma, area of Washington State.
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We both actually flew out there individually to meet with them because our marriage was at a breaking point and they had had many years experience leading a ministry called Personal Freedom in Christ Ministry.
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So what we wanna teach you today is what we learned from them, and we do have permission from them to share this teaching because it is pivotal, it is life changing, and um, we're called by Christ to use our talents and to, to share those gifts with everyone that, that we come in contact with to the best of our ability.
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I think, um, a good place to start is actually in Matthew 18.
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Mm-hmm.
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If you're, uh, willing to stick with me for a little while, it's, it's actually called the, uh, parable of the Unforgiving Servant, and it begins in verse 21.
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And what's really interesting as you read this, basically the, the servant had a debt that he could never repay, and his, um, king had mercy on him and that mercy was undeserved.
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Does that, does that sound familiar? That that mercy is undeserved? What's interesting to us is in verse 35.
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It says, so also, "my Heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart".
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And I had heard a teaching a number of years ago, specifically about this verse that, so the king had thrown the servant into prison.
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Mm-hmm.
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Until he could repay that debt.
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And it says, so my heavenly father will do to you.
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What's kind of scary? But in some ways comforting is that the father will allow us to choose.
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And if we choose not to forgive, we essentially are put in a jail cell.
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But he gives us the key.
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He gives us the way out.
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Yeah.
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And so I want you to just think about the story.
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If you don't know the story.
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Uh, the story is that there was a king who is God and in this story, and the king had a servant that owed him millions of dollars.
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I I'm not gonna go back into the biblical numbers, but millions of dollars.
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And so the king decided to call his accounts and said to the guy that owed him millions of dollars, you owe me millions of dollars, pay it.
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And the guy proceeded to beg and say, please forgive me.
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I, there's no way I can pay it.
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And.
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And, uh, so the king had compassion and he said, okay, I completely wipe your debt clean.
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Then what happened was that guy that had the millions of dollars that he owed to the king went out and found a servant that owed him mere thousands, just pennies compared to what he owed, and he shook him and said, you need to pay me, and really tried to put this guy in prison because he couldn't pay him.
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And when the king found out, that's when he comes back and says, you evil servant.
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How could you do this? So when you think about people that have hurt you in your life, I want you to think about who are you in this story compared to them? Because that was a pivotal moment for me when I realized that the Heavenly Father has forgiven the debt of millions of dollars that I owe him for all the sin that I've committed in my life.
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And the person that hurts me owes me mere pennies compared to what I owe the father.
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And so we as believers have no choice but to forgive.
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Now, in our time together today, we're gonna talk about, how do we do that, first of all? I had to change my perspective and, and that was that I shouldn't have to forgive her when she wronged me.
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That's not right.
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And, and vice versa.
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And, and so here we were, we were stuck in this conundrum because I put her in a spot where she had to forgive me, but she was like, well, I shouldn't have to do that, that I shouldn't have been put in this spot to begin with.
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And so that's the unfortunate part about, forgiveness is that we actually don't have a choice.
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We either forgive or we don't forgive.
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Whether or not the other person is sorry, whether the other, whether or not the other person truly understands how they've hurt us is actually irrelevant because the forgiveness that we give is actually, uh, to create freedom for ourselves.
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You wanna talk about that a little bit? Yeah, so it's that same concept of like, that, that, that God gives us a choice that we can, we can stay in unforgiveness, which is essentially, um, bondage.
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It's, it's essentially a prison cell and we can't move forward in, in a positive way until we choose to pick up that key, which that key is forgiving whatever wrong was done to you.
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Once we can say, I forgive you, we can actually walk out of that prison cell.
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It's like the shackles just fall right off of us.
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Um, but we have to make that choice.
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And I do want to clarify that forgiveness is not, you know, letting somebody get away with something.
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It's not justification for anything that happened.
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And it doesn't make you a doormat.
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It, it's a simple choice that.
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The individual makes for their own freedom.
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It's, it's not restitution or anything like that, but it, and it's not necessarily reconciliation either.
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It's simply about having your heart right with the Lord, because unforgiveness is a sin and.
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Honestly, it's an intentional sin because we, we know as believers, um, that, that God calls us to forgive.
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Jesus mentions, you know, forgiving 70 times seven, just constantly walking in forgiveness.
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It's a part of the path that, that, as a Christian, we're called to walk and it's hard.
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It's, it's not easy.
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It doesn't always feel good.
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And I do also wanna say on, on that note that forgiveness may not necessarily change the way you feel.
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At least not right away.
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It can.
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But it doesn't always, so we, we make the choice and we verbally express that choice.
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I forgive that person or I forgive you.
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Um, just so that we are able to take those steps forward and move and move on.
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Yeah, and to that point, I think we need to remember that sometimes people hurt people on purpose, but nine times outta 10, I'm, I'm not trying to hurt her, I'm just.
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Doing something and it ends up hurting her.
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So hurts can either be real or perceived.
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And what I mean by that is, is I can hurt her on purpose.
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That's a real hurt.
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But I can also not intentionally hurt her.
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And now she's hurt, but I didn't do it on purpose.
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Does that diminish her hurt? Not at all.
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She's still hurt.
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And so for the sake of unity.
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Uh, one of the things that God's really challenged me on is who cares whether or not I did it on purpose? Who cares whether or not I'm right or wrong in this situation? It doesn't matter.
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If I'm concerned about having union with my wife, then I'm going to humble myself and care about her heart and not make it whether or not she should feel hurt or not, because that's some of the things we do well.
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I didn't try to hurt her so she shouldn't feel hurt.
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That's dumb.
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Well.
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That diminishes what she's feeling, right? So if I love her, I'm gonna set that to the side and say, I'd rather us win as a couple in love and unity with each other.
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I think it's important to seek forgiveness.
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If you're partner, child, you know, employee, anyone comes to you and says, Hey, I was hurt.
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Instead of going, well, you shouldn't be, or, or being defensive.
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It's a fantastic choice to just say, help me understand how I hurt you and then actually seek forgiveness.
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Would you forgive me? And I think there's something powerful about saying, would you forgive me? Versus, I'm sorry.
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I, um, I know with, with, um, parenting and our children, sometimes we, we tend to just go, oh, just say you're sorry, but then sorry, doesn't.
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Sorry, doesn't have the impact.
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Yeah.
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That asking intentionally for forgiveness has, you know, will you forgive me? Yeah.
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Is so much more powerful than, well, I'm sorry.
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Um, it's not snarky and it's, it's validating and honoring because you're saying, I, I recognize that I need to seek forgiveness.
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Yeah.
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And, and with all of that, just remember our.
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Um, first of all, she said it, unforgiveness is a sin.
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I was raised in the church, but nobody ever told me unforgiveness was a sin.
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And, and one day it, it, it, uh, through Eldon and Judy, I came to realize just how much bitterness I had in my heart because the unforgiveness becomes bitterness.
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But also remember this, um, if you can't forgive somebody or you, let's put even put it this way, you can, you just choose not to, if you're choosing not to forgive somebody.
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Then you're actually saying that Christ dying on the cross was pointless.
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And I know that's a really harsh statement to say, to say, but it's, it's true because if he died for everything then and he forgave us and we can't forgive somebody else, then we're diminishing his value of him dying on the cross for us.
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So Eldon and Judy had taught us that there's.
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They call them levels.
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I, I prefer to think of them as layers because one isn't necessarily deeper than the, than the other.
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Um, so whether you say levels or layers, the first one is simply choosing unforgiveness as your root.
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So if you're choosing to say, you know what, I, I just can't forgive that person, or even, I can't forgive myself.
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That, that is a conscious choice to stay within the, the bonds of sin.
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So that would be the first layer of, of the, um, choice to, to walk in unforgiveness.
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And so I just wanna point this out here.
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People who have said to me over the years, well, I can't until they apologize or I can't because I don't feel like.
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I can't feel that forgiveness.
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Um, forgiveness, according to Matthew 18, has nothing to do with how we feel.
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It's a choice.
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It's a statement.
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Jesus says, let your yes, be yes and your no be no.
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So when I say I forgive you, I'm putting into existence a statement that wipes the deck clean.
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Now, that does not mean though, that I've healed yet from that unforgiveness, uh, or from that hurt that that person has caused me.
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But by me communicating that, I'm actually creating the space for God to begin to heal that.
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And we'll get into that a little bit later, but please hear that.
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I believe and if you can study scripture, um, you will see that forgiveness is a choice.
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It has nothing to do with whether or not we feel like we can forgive that person or whether or not they deserve it.
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It's irrelevant.
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It is irrelevant.
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And I do feel like there's a space to say you.
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You speak the forgiveness.
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It doesn't necessarily have to be to that person.
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And there are situations where it would be dangerous to be with that person.
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So just in your, in your quiet time, in your prayer time, or maybe with a, a trusted friend or advisor, just being able to speak that forgiveness is, is life giving and freeing.
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You don't necessarily have to speak it to that person.
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The important part to remember with all this is, um, let's say, um, I have a water glass here.
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Let's say this water glass is mine and Jill takes it, okay? Now I, I gave it to her in this case, but let's say she takes it.
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And so now she has the water glass that was mine.
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If even if it still has the same amount of water in it, if she says, I'm not giving that back to you, it's mine now.
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Well, what happens to that? Well, it's, she's taken it from me.
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She's taken something from me and that thing had value.
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But here's the problem.
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Let's say she decides to later give that back to me.
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Okay.
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She gives me the water back.
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Um, is this the same value as what she took? No.
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Because she took something from me and hurt me in the process so she could gimme 10 glasses of water and it still may never, never be enough to repay her taking that from me.
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And so at the end of the day, no matter how much somebody takes from us or hurts us, they could never repay it.
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And I think the same is true of, uh, Christ.
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We sin so much in our lifetimes.
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We could never repay that debt.
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So it's actually a release of the debt of saying you no longer owe this to me.
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And that's the important part to remember when we, when we forgive somebody, we're releasing the debt and that's where we give space for Jesus to come in and heal us because he is the healer and he really truly is the only one that can, uh, restore.
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What was broken or taken, and he binds up the broken hearts and, and that sort of thing too.
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So underneath that choice, let's say you choose not to forgive, that can lead into the next layer, which are judgments.
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And the Bible's really clear.
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That we are not to judge.
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God is the judge.
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He is the only one who is righteous enough to cast judgment.
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And so when we start to walk in judgments towards other people, we are actually attempting to do the job that only God can do.
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And so I want you guys to really think about this.
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So anytime you're critical towards somebody else.
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That is speaking out of unforgiveness towards them or maybe even past wounds that you've experienced that have now piled up and have actually, um, built up inside of you and so look at how critical you are of others.
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Uh, and say to yourself, okay, how judgmental am I? If you're judgemental, you're probably actually holding on to things that are, are unforgiveness that are actually holding you in bondage.
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And so this is a great way to start to tell, okay, how am I doing with this unforgiveness? And we just wanna give some examples because sometimes these are things that we don't even think about.
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They're, they're things that we might have been taught that are, that are lies or things that we have come to believe based on our experience in our life.
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So, um, for, uh, let's say a woman who was hurt, she may believe the statement that no man can be trusted.
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That's, that's a judgment and that's unforgiveness towards a man or men in general.
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Or I might say women always try to dominate or control me.
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That's a judgment.
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Or how about real men don't cry? We've heard that one.
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That's a judgment.
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Even when we look at authority, like, um, police or church authorities, if we've been hurt, like we, we say that, you know, the cops are jerks or, or.
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You know, pastors just don't understand, you know, things like that.
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Those are all judgements that can, can hold us in bondage and, and keep us from being honest about where we're at.
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And, um, even respecting the authority that God has put in place.
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And this goes into our marriage too.
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I remember at one point in, in, in my life just feeling like, uh, Karl couldn't make any decisions and I was the decision maker and I had to do everything myself.
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And, and I didn't understand that and it was frustrating and so I, I, I had a judgment on him.
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Because I, I didn't feel like he was quote unquote being the man of the house.
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That's a judgment and that's unforgiveness.
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And we had to talk about that and work through it and, um, I had to seek his forgiveness for that.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Or even things like when I, maybe I'm judgmental towards my wife and say, man, she's such an airhead, or what's her issue? Why is she so emotional today? That's all stuff that's me judging her and how God made her.
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It's my criticalness of her heart and her spirit.
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And we see this in our kids too when our, you know, children come home and, and they're like, that, that kid in my class is just so stupid.
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It's an experience that that've had that they need to forgive somebody for.
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I say to myself, Karl, you're an idiot.
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That's a judgment against myself.
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Yeah.
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It's, it's unforgiving.
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Yeah.
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It's not choosing to walk in forgiveness even towards yourself.
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And, you know, our experience has been that the, the people that we've shared this lesson with, the hardest thing is for somebody to forgive themselves.
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That's sad because then we can't truly live in, um, the identity even that, that God has given us.
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Yeah.
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We can also have judgments against God.
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You know, God doesn't really love me.
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He helped this other person, but he didn't heal me.
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Um, if God really loves me, then why do people die? Or why do bad things happen to good people? Those are all judgments against God, and ultimately they kill faith.
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Um, and they affect the filters through which we view God, and that limits his ability to move in our lives and other people's lives.
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When Karl and I teach this or share this lesson with, with people, one of the, the very first things we talk about is that we need to see truth as God knows truth and in his word, his, if his word is infallible it, that, then that means that everything in here is true.
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So when we say God doesn't love us, well that's, that's contrary to, you know, John for God so loved the world that he gave his son.
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So we need to begin to bring truth in.
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And hold it up against some of these statements that we make and these lies that we believe so that the light can come in and can set us free.
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Yeah, and recently I was realizing that sometimes the questions we ask God are actually the wrong questions.
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Like asking God, do you love me? Actually goes against what he says in scripture because he's already told me he loves me.
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So if I ask that question, I'm gonna hear silence because he's already said the answer.
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So I need to ask the question, how much do you love me God, or can you show me your love? That's a little different than do you love me? And so very, very important.
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I I recently, I've been learning a lot about that.
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One of the other things I wanna point out with this is Jill and I have walked countless couples through this and seeing immediate change in their relationships with their spouse and their family.
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Immediate, like that day there was breakthrough and release and restoration that happened, and Eldon and Judy in Seattle practiced this for years with people and they saw the same thing.
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I know it's very simple, it's very practical.
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But practicing this, putting this into, applying this to your life, putting this into action will change your relationships.
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Absolutely.
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It will.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So underneath the.
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The layers of unforgiveness, not forgiving, and then going into judgments.
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The third layer, we'll call it, um, is revenge.
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And sometimes this is, this is interesting.
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This gets really interesting, especially, especially in the context of a marriage.
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'cause we do things and sometimes we call them boundaries or self-protection or, or whatever, but they're really not.
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They're actually revenge and.
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we wanna, we wanna just point out that, um, there are scriptures that talk about vengeance being exclusively God's.
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It's the same thing with judgments.
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God is the only righteous judge.
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He's also the only one that's allowed to, um, have vengeance.
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And this can look as simple as, you know, giving your spouse a silent treatment.
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Yeah, that's punishment.
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And, and we don't think about it, but that's taking revenge.
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Oh, well if you're gonna talk to me like that, I'm just not gonna talk to you at all.
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Um, and, and those, that's a, that's unforgiveness in action.
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I'll never forget when I was in my early twenties, truck drivers would make me so mad on the road, mainly 'cause I had a lead foot and I wasn't, um, I, I didn't have patience.
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And so, um, if I came to a passing zone.
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Uh, I would pass them, especially if it was on a hill.
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And, and Jill, she's been so gracious with me over the years, this was not the right thing to do, and I repent of this.
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Okay.
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I've repented a long time ago, but I would get in front of them and then I'd slow down and make 'em go really slow up the hill and then I'd take off.
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Well, that's revenge, that's wrong.
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Um, and that wasn't even being a good steward or a good testimony to those people.
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And so revenge can be very, very simple too.
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When you call somebody an idiot on the highway when they cut you off, that's a judgment.
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And so, um, watch yourself.
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'cause it, you'll, what you'll see is you'll start to see 'em everywhere and then it's like, oh, this is like more prevalent in my life than I thought.
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Absolutely.
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And it does go into the, the scriptures that talk about God is, I think it's mostly in Psalms.
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God is so concerned.
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With our hearts.
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Yeah.
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With the conditions of our hearts, with the intents and the thoughts that we have.
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And so when we have these judgements or this desire for vengeance, we have to repent directly to God because it's a sin against him.
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We're trying to do his job or we're not designed to do.
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But it keeps us clean before the Lord.
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Lord, I am so sorry.
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I, you know, I, I, I had vengeance in my heart and I don't want that there.
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Lord, would you please pull that out and put your patience in there instead? We trade, we always trade out.
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Let's keep going.
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So underneath that we have something called inner vows.
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And this was life changing for me.
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It's, it's something that, that we don't think about, but the word of God talks about how our, our words are, um, active.
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They're, they're either life or death.
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The power of life or death is in the tongue.
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And so the things that we say have the ability to influence what happens to us.
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And so in our vows, we, we, um, we can read about this in Leviticus five, four through six.
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And it, it tells us that when we make an inner vow, it becomes a force.
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It's binding.
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It's binding.
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It's like putting handcuffs on it.
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It's really hard to do things in handcuffs.
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Um, but like an example of an inner vow would be, I'm never going to treat my kids like my parents treated me.
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I'm never gonna be like my mother.
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No one will ever do that to me again.
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So it's never or always statements that become our our vows that we make, and we are not supposed to make vows that are, that are flippant or flighty.
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Um, these, these are very serious.
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And the problem is this, is that whatever we say we're not going to become, we're actually putting that on ourselves to actually become that.
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So whatever you say you aren't going to do, um, actually runs the risk of you becoming that, especially when you do it in an absolute.
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Um, another example, uh, I'm gonna do whatever I want when I grow up, or I'm never going to cry again.
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I'm never gonna be without money.
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Uh, or I, you could even say it like this.
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I just decided that I would be different from my parents or from whoever.
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And so you, you actually end up becoming that.
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So please hear this.
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You don't want to become those things, but by saying it, you're actually becoming that.
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And this is true, even if you're trying to do it in good intentions.
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Like, I don't like the sinfulness of this person over here, so I'm never gonna be like that.
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Um, they, you feel like that protects you from that past trauma, but it actually locks ourselves and our family, our future generations into the same behaviors.
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So maybe that's to, you know, a child of a divorced parent or an alcoholic abuser, complainers, negative Nancys.
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Um, if we vow not to be like that, even though that was a bad thing to begin with, it actually becomes who we are then.
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And we need to take responsibility for that.
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We need to repent of that.
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Lord, I'm so sorry.
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That I, well, um, an inner vow is typically also a judgment, you know, if I'm never gonna be like my parents, it's a judgment that they weren't what we thought they should be.
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Yeah.
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So we need to ask for forgiveness, for that judgment, for making the inner vow then also express the forgiveness towards that person to be truly set free from that.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So the next one is dishonoring and it's really dishonoring other people around us, whether it's parents or a spouse or authority, and, um.
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God is really clear in scripture that he has put authority in place for a reason.
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And when we can't respect that authority, we're actually dishonoring God's choice to put that person in there.
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Even if we do something like, well, the IRS, they don't deserve my respect.
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Well, God has there, uh, scripture is very clear about that and so.
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So it doesn't tell us to honor, um, our father and mother if they act honorably or honor the IRS if they don't take too much money.
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It tells us to honor our father and mother, whoever, um, always.
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Um, and even if they don't act honorably.
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Um, and it, it is an attitude of the heart.
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We talked about that, that God is so concerned with our, with our hearts.
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And so this is another way that we position our hearts toward what the Lord would want.
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So we, we have this attitude of honor, and, and again, this does not make you a doormat.
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If you have an abusive, um, parent or family member, it does not mean that you tolerate that abuse.
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It is simply.
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That you are not going to hold them in unforgiveness or dishonor or judgements or inner vows that you are going to release them from whatever debt they may owe you.
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Yeah.
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And really, so the, we're talking about boundaries here.
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So a boundary is not something that creates distance to hurt the person.
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Um, it's something that you do to create mutual honor for each person.
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And so, um, you know, boundaries are a very healthy thing to have in any relationship.
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Um, it, the, the boundaries are different from this.
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And I think one of the most important pieces of a boundary that is often overlooked is that a boundary is typically communicated.
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Mm-hmm.
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And I think the, the habit has become to, of people to just set boundaries but not tell a person that that boundary is there.
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And so it's not creating a culture of honor, it's not creating a way for both parties to move forward and heal.
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It's, it's holding them again in, in, um, unforgiveness or whatever.
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So boundaries do take communication.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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The next level is dishonoring God.
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Um, and because all sin is against God.
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Holding our parents or spouse in unforgiveness or judgments or revenge is the same as saying, God, if I were you, I would not have given me these people, or I would've done this differently.
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And, and doing that, we're actually just dishonoring God because things don't happen to us.
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They happen for us.
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All things work together for good.
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Yeah.
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So when we question God, we're actually questioning his goodness.
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Mm-hmm.
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Um, and by this attitude we're really holding God in the judgment of, well God, if you were really God, you wouldn't do it this way.
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Yeah, that's wrong.
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Yeah.
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And you'll see the overlap in these, the, the dishonoring God is also, you know, stems from a judgment.
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Um, sometimes dishonoring God, you know, stems from an inner vow.
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They're all, um, interwoven with each other and, and they work together.
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If we have them, we, we need to undo their power.
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Yeah.
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Um, so we want to make sure that we repent of holding any of those types of unforgiveness and, and ask the Lord first and foremost, again, going back to God caring about the position of our heart to forgive us for the sin of unforgiveness, um, against him and then against the people that were holding hostage to unforgiveness.
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Yeah.
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So let's move into like, how you begin to forgive.
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Um, and, um, this is gonna feel like a lot of steps, but these steps are actually really, really important.
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And this is where the power of this happens.
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So, um, and I would challenge you, like to me, the biggest spot to look at is look at your judgments.
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Look at how you judge other people.
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When you look at your judgments, you'll see how much unforgiveness you have.
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And when you look at the judgments, look for the patterns in the judgments.
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If you're judgemental towards, um, men for example, or women, um, then maybe you have a wound that you've never forgiven somebody for, and your judgments are just spewing out from that.
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They're, they're cancerous.
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And so as we look at this, think about, okay, um, where, where are my judgments at? Because by the way you have them, I guarantee it.
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We all do.
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And, um, they just, they will run amuck of your life if you're not careful.
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I think one of the best ways to describe that is, um, it's like having a pair of glasses on that have a lens.
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Yeah.
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And so.
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If you have, say, unforgiveness in general towards men, anytime you interact with a man, that judgment is going to be there.
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It's going to influence how you see that person.
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It's going to influence how you respond.
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And so that's why it's so important to step into this opportunity that God provides to walk in forgiveness and release ourself from the anchor of sin.
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Yeah, and what'll happen when we sit down with a couple sometimes.
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Let's just use a man and a woman and, and the, the, the woman is upset at the man for something he did a long time ago.
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The guy's like, I, I, I want to be forgiven for that, but it just always comes up and, and he's like, I, I don't know how to be released from this.
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Oftentimes what happens is the woman is really, really, really mad when we say to her.
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Um, you're holding your husband in unforgiveness.
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Well, I I shouldn't have to.
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Like, what? Wait, he's the one That's the problem.
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And so as we look at this, do not, do not, do not, do not cast this towards other people that you see doing this to you.
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You're responsible for your heart.
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I think of the verse, you know, you, we've been talking about what Jesus looks at.
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He looks, Jesus says.
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Uh, to the Pharisees, he says, you guys are so focused on the outside of the cup, clean the outside of the cup, make it look perfect.
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But I tell you, look at the inside of the cup and make sure the inside of the cup is clean.
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And that is exactly what he's talking about with our hearts.
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It is.
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And I think the important thing to remember is that we are only responsible for ourselves.
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Yeah.
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We can't change another person's heart or their actions or their behaviors.
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We're only able to choose.
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For ourselves.
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Yeah.
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And so that's what's, um, actually really cool.
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It's, it's a blessing to be able to go through this process.
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And we're gonna start, we're gonna read through these steps with you here.
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So step one is simply repenting of holding unforgiveness and asking the Lord to forgive you from that sin of unforgiveness.
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Yeah.
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And so if you have the unforgiveness, you're you're repenting for that even though the other person hurt you.
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That's the hard part about this.
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And number two is confessing the specific judgment you made against that other person who inflicted hurt or disappointment upon you, and you're asking God to forgive you for those judgments.
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And then you're gonna break the power in Jesus' name.
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You know, Jesus, Jesus' name has the authority to do this.
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So we, we, we say that in Jesus' name.
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I break the power of this judgment, um, the judgments that hold you in or hold your parents or your spouse or your child or anyone in authority.
404
00:35:07,110 --> 00:35:13,980
And then what is really powerful as well is once you break the power of that, you're really a blessing on them.
405
00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:20,000
My, my husband here, Karl, was, was really, really hurt by, um, a business partner.
406
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:20,090
Yeah.
407
00:35:20,450 --> 00:35:31,970
And he was just not able to move forward, like, anytime that person's name came up or, you know, the, the thought crossed his mind of, of, of what had happened.
408
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:32,870
It just, it.
409
00:35:33,470 --> 00:35:35,030
It made him angry.
410
00:35:35,035 --> 00:35:37,220
It, it hurt his heart all over again.
411
00:35:37,220 --> 00:35:39,755
The disappointment, all of that was just there.
412
00:35:39,755 --> 00:35:44,720
And I felt that twinge every time I thought about that person, that little, ah, that little anxious twinge was there.
413
00:35:44,775 --> 00:35:45,795
This was Holy Spirit.
414
00:35:45,795 --> 00:35:46,755
Totally Holy Spirit.
415
00:35:46,785 --> 00:35:48,915
'cause I can't come up with the stuff on my own.
416
00:35:49,305 --> 00:35:57,225
I said, well, Karl, have you, have you blessed him? And, and I said, I remember that face.
417
00:35:57,785 --> 00:36:14,060
Oh, why was like, why would I do that? I said, why would I pray for, why would I pray to bless him like that? So basically I, um, and, and, and, and she saw my face and so it was clear that I was still struggling with releasing the debt.
418
00:36:14,060 --> 00:36:20,195
And she said, Karl, why don't you pray for God to bless him? More than he blesses you.
419
00:36:21,755 --> 00:36:25,775
And Romans 12:14 says, to bless those who curse us.
420
00:36:25,985 --> 00:36:29,075
And so I was like, you know, I was grumpy about it.
421
00:36:29,345 --> 00:36:30,935
So I'm driving up over the hill.
422
00:36:31,365 --> 00:36:38,835
We live close to a big body of water and at the top of this big mountain, you come up over and you see the water down.
423
00:36:38,835 --> 00:36:39,765
It's just beautiful.
424
00:36:40,305 --> 00:36:46,890
And I drive, drive up over that hill frequently and I was driving up over the hill one day and God said, Hey Karl, whatcha you gonna pray to bless that person.
425
00:36:48,300 --> 00:36:50,970
And I was like, you know, I was grumpy about it.
426
00:36:50,970 --> 00:36:59,670
And so each day, for about a week, every time I drove over there, God was like, Hey, when are you gonna pray? Hey, when are you gonna pray? So finally I made an agreement with God.
427
00:36:59,670 --> 00:37:05,970
I said, God, when I cross over this bridge at the bottom of the hill, I'm going to pray for you to bless that person.
428
00:37:06,930 --> 00:37:09,750
First day I came up over, I realized, I was like, oh.
429
00:37:09,780 --> 00:37:11,010
I said I was gonna do that.
430
00:37:11,370 --> 00:37:13,680
So I started and I, the first day was really hard.
431
00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:15,450
I was like, Lord, bless them.
432
00:37:15,735 --> 00:37:20,535
Like I, I had no, no like, um, energy in it.
433
00:37:20,535 --> 00:37:22,005
It was so hard to say.
434
00:37:22,795 --> 00:37:32,425
But as I did it over several, uh, several weeks, um, by the end, um, I was really, truly praying for God to bless them.
435
00:37:32,425 --> 00:37:34,315
I wanted God to bless that person.
436
00:37:35,245 --> 00:37:39,835
And then I forgot about it, which I was like, oh, okay.
437
00:37:39,835 --> 00:37:42,595
And a week later I was like, oh, I forgot to pray.
438
00:37:42,775 --> 00:37:49,255
What I realized in that moment was I no longer had that anxious feeling in my heart towards that person anymore.
439
00:37:49,315 --> 00:37:53,005
It was gone, so I forgot about it because it was healed.
440
00:37:53,005 --> 00:38:00,985
It no longer needed to be dealt with, and God and I had dealt with it through me praying blessings on that person because of my wife's challenge to me.
441
00:38:01,405 --> 00:38:01,645
Yeah.
442
00:38:01,650 --> 00:38:01,790
Yeah.
443
00:38:03,490 --> 00:38:11,650
So the next step after that would be to confess and repent of any revenge that you've had in thought in attitude.
444
00:38:12,370 --> 00:38:13,390
And in action.
445
00:38:13,660 --> 00:38:17,980
And again, we ask God to reverse that curse of revenge.
446
00:38:18,190 --> 00:38:21,190
We want God to change that.
447
00:38:21,370 --> 00:38:24,520
Um, I heard it said one time that, that God always trades up.
448
00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,710
He gives us beauty for ashes.
449
00:38:27,020 --> 00:38:29,510
The oil of gladness instead of our mourning.
450
00:38:29,510 --> 00:38:30,620
He always trades.
451
00:38:31,430 --> 00:38:52,980
And so we want to repent of any revenge that we may have taken, or even just the thoughts that we've had or the attitudes and ask again, go back and say, God, will you bless this person? Looking at inner vows, were there inner vows that you made towards this person or about this situation and you wanna break them off in Jesus name, ask God to forgive you.
452
00:38:53,320 --> 00:39:00,290
Confess that to him and, really lay them out before the Lord so that um, you and others can be released from them.
453
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:09,500
And we do this so that the light comes to those dark places that, you know, darkness is simply the absence of light.
454
00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:21,260
And so when we bring light onto any ways that we have, um, had unforgiveness or dishonor or any of this stuff, it, it brings it to light.
455
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:34,610
So after you confess for those inner vows, you would confess and repent of the sin, of dishonor, dishonoring your parents, your spouse, any authority and, and honestly of dishonoring God.
456
00:39:34,610 --> 00:39:37,700
Because anytime that we sin, we dishonor God.
457
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:38,240
Mm-hmm.
458
00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:42,380
So we confess for all of that, and then we take authority.
459
00:39:42,380 --> 00:39:43,910
We have the authority.
460
00:39:44,405 --> 00:39:47,585
To ask Jesus to come into those places.
461
00:39:47,585 --> 00:39:50,795
So we take authority over any bitter roots that have developed.
462
00:39:50,795 --> 00:39:59,165
We ask the Lord to pull out those roots that have developed as a result of the unforgiveness or resentment or anything like that.
463
00:39:59,435 --> 00:40:04,445
We ask him to come in and cleanse that and bind up our brokenness.
464
00:40:04,655 --> 00:40:04,805
Yeah.
465
00:40:04,805 --> 00:40:11,255
So what's happening here is you're confessing and repenting, and so you're pushing that junk out.
466
00:40:12,005 --> 00:40:15,815
But what's happening is it's actually leaving an empty spot in your heart.
467
00:40:16,325 --> 00:40:23,225
And so we're gonna cover that in a moment here as to how you put God's, um, truth into that spot.
468
00:40:23,645 --> 00:40:29,405
Um, but before you do that, there's a, a, a moment of surrender, releasing the hurt to Jesus.
469
00:40:29,525 --> 00:40:31,775
You know, he already carried everything for us.
470
00:40:31,775 --> 00:40:36,200
And so um, what we do is we surrender it to him.
471
00:40:36,380 --> 00:40:45,680
I sometimes during worship, will literally think about the thing that I need to give to the Lord and, and just sing it outta my hands into his throne room.
472
00:40:46,250 --> 00:40:50,720
Um, however you do it, release it, let it go, and, uh.
473
00:40:51,275 --> 00:40:53,435
Now the next part is, I know one of your favorite parts.
474
00:40:53,435 --> 00:40:58,505
So it is one of my favorite parts because this is something that, that Alvin and Judy did teach us to do.
475
00:40:58,895 --> 00:41:03,755
And we had talked earlier about how, I'm sorry, doesn't really fix things.
476
00:41:03,875 --> 00:41:03,995
Yeah.
477
00:41:04,205 --> 00:41:07,685
And there's a verse in James.
478
00:41:07,685 --> 00:41:10,475
It's James 5: 16, and I'm gonna read it here.
479
00:41:10,505 --> 00:41:12,035
I have my Bible in front of me.
480
00:41:12,035 --> 00:41:13,055
So if you'll just give me.
481
00:41:13,865 --> 00:41:17,195
Confess your, I want to, I want to quote it 'cause I know it, but go ahead.
482
00:41:17,195 --> 00:41:17,555
Okay.
483
00:41:17,795 --> 00:41:24,695
It says, therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.
484
00:41:24,935 --> 00:41:29,165
The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it's working.
485
00:41:29,615 --> 00:41:42,360
So again, if we go back to truth, as God knows truth, if his word is true, when we do this, it says the, the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working, so this is gonna work.
486
00:41:43,145 --> 00:41:44,825
And that's the really good news, and it's exciting.
487
00:41:44,825 --> 00:41:45,515
It's gonna work.
488
00:41:45,785 --> 00:41:55,985
But one of the things that that really changed our marriage and brought a new level of intimacy and vulnerability was to actually practice this.
489
00:41:56,225 --> 00:42:03,095
So it says, pray for the heart of the one that you heard to healed from the effects of your sin.
490
00:42:03,275 --> 00:42:05,825
Because when Karl hurts me or I hurt him.
491
00:42:06,770 --> 00:42:08,780
We, we literally can't fix that.
492
00:42:08,810 --> 00:42:10,010
We are powerless.
493
00:42:10,010 --> 00:42:11,480
But Jesus can fix that.
494
00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:13,130
He binds up the broken hearted.
495
00:42:13,430 --> 00:42:18,590
So what we do is we actually, typically, we stand up where we at least turn to each other.
496
00:42:18,830 --> 00:42:28,550
And what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna actually put my hand on his heart, and I'm gonna pray for Jesus to heal the effects of my sin against my husband.
497
00:42:28,610 --> 00:42:33,170
And so ultimately what she's doing is she's replacing the junk with God's goodness.
498
00:42:33,830 --> 00:42:37,220
And she prays that over me and I do the same with her.
499
00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:42,590
And we've seen other couples do this as well, and it's changed their marriage.
500
00:42:42,670 --> 00:42:45,610
Now one thing I wanna point about, point out about the James 5: 16.
501
00:42:45,940 --> 00:42:47,500
I memorized that when I was a kid.
502
00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:58,300
Like I remember this first, and I always thought that it was about physical healing, but if you look at it, it says, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed.
503
00:42:58,300 --> 00:43:03,910
It's not talking about physical healing, it's talking about emotional healing inside of the person, heart healing.
504
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:15,160
And so when we pray for that, we're actually, God's given us the authority to bring healing and restoration in that moment through those prayers.
505
00:43:15,580 --> 00:43:24,760
And the side effect of this, it's a really good side effect, is that when you are able to do that, especially with your spouse, it's like all the defense is dropped.
506
00:43:25,005 --> 00:43:25,245
Mm-hmm.
507
00:43:25,330 --> 00:43:28,090
Their defenses drop yours, yours drop.
508
00:43:28,150 --> 00:43:29,080
And there's it.
509
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:34,540
It's almost like you get to see each other in a, in a new way each time that you do this.
510
00:43:34,540 --> 00:43:46,840
And we've found that for ourselves and for the couples that actually, um, implement this, it's, it changes the effect of the apology.
511
00:43:46,900 --> 00:43:46,960
Yeah.
512
00:43:47,260 --> 00:43:48,100
For good.
513
00:43:48,190 --> 00:43:55,000
And, and it, it's magnified or amplified in, in very real and tangible ways.
514
00:43:55,060 --> 00:44:06,400
And it also, I think you can correct me if I'm wrong on this, um, it also produces a hesitancy to be quick to hurt someone again.
515
00:44:06,450 --> 00:44:07,170
I agree with that.
516
00:44:07,230 --> 00:44:21,210
Um, you know, we wanna be more and more Christlike in all of our actions we should be trying to limit the, uh, bad fruit, uh, or limit the things that happen with our tongue that, that hurt others.
517
00:44:21,210 --> 00:44:27,600
So, yeah, and often when we pray for each other, we'll, we'll put something.
518
00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:43,440
So there, there's a scripture, I believe it's in Matthew as well, that talks about how, um there, there's a house and it, it gets filled with unholy things and those unholy things are cast out, but nothing was done to secure the house.
519
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,860
And so the, the unholy things come back in.
520
00:44:46,860 --> 00:44:46,920
Yeah.
521
00:44:47,070 --> 00:44:50,340
And so what we wanna do when we're praying for each other to be healed.
522
00:44:50,700 --> 00:44:52,980
Is to put something good in.
523
00:44:53,220 --> 00:44:57,960
So yeah, if I pray for Karl and I, I, you know, I acknowledge that I hurt him.
524
00:44:57,960 --> 00:45:00,810
I asked Jesus to come in and bind up his broken heart.
525
00:45:01,110 --> 00:45:06,120
I will also typically ask for Jesus to put typically a fruit of the Spirit in there.
526
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:16,900
Lord, would you replace this hurt with your joy or peace that is his strength or your peace that guards his heart? Whatever the Lord tells me to put in there.
527
00:45:16,950 --> 00:45:26,850
I will typically pray something from his word into that space so that there's, um, a holy seed there that can grow.
528
00:45:26,910 --> 00:45:27,000
Mm-hmm.
529
00:45:28,110 --> 00:45:34,170
And then the, the final step in prayer, the most important is really very similar to praying for God to bless that person.
530
00:45:34,170 --> 00:45:42,780
And that is just asking the Lord to fill you with his love for that person who hurt or abused or disappointed you or whatever they did to wrong you.
531
00:45:43,260 --> 00:45:48,030
Um, you ask Christ to give you his love for that person because he loves them very much.
532
00:45:48,660 --> 00:45:57,930
And as you think about all this, I just really wanna point out that what happens with our unforgiveness is that it, Jill was talking about this, it changes our lenses for that person.
533
00:45:58,290 --> 00:46:05,490
And her and I both have seen scenarios where it doesn't matter what that person says, they're wrong to the other person.
534
00:46:05,490 --> 00:46:07,350
Like it, there's, there's.
535
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:15,960
That person can only do wrong even though the person's trying with all their might to do right and that's what the unforgiveness does.
536
00:46:16,230 --> 00:46:19,440
And so it, it, it really ruins the relationship.
537
00:46:19,590 --> 00:46:20,970
And this was the beginning.
538
00:46:21,300 --> 00:46:34,410
Her and I being able to forgive past wounds towards each other, towards, towards family members, uh, towards anybody in our lives actually started to create new pathways of freedom that we never saw before.
539
00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:42,075
And so the forgiveness is one of the foundational elements that I think the whole church needs to practice.
540
00:46:42,075 --> 00:46:53,835
You watch now that we've pointed out these judgements and stuff like that, you'll see other people struggling with unforgiveness and this is your opportunity to walk them through this process and create freedom for them.
541
00:46:56,005 --> 00:46:59,165
So Jill and I were fighting like cats and dogs.
542
00:46:59,225 --> 00:47:01,775
Uh, we had been married maybe 15 years at this point.
543
00:47:01,775 --> 00:47:04,020
And, um, there was really no reason, like.
544
00:47:05,300 --> 00:47:09,470
Um, I wasn't being dumb and she wasn't being dumb.
545
00:47:09,470 --> 00:47:12,530
Well, I was being dumb, but here you'll hear why here.
546
00:47:12,580 --> 00:47:22,090
So I was reading the, the book How to Win Friends and Influence People, and the first chapter was all about being critical of others and how nobody ever wants to be criticized.
547
00:47:22,090 --> 00:47:22,840
People don't like it.
548
00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:26,500
And so I'm reading the book and I was like, man, if Jill wouldn't be so critical of me.
549
00:47:26,670 --> 00:47:26,680
Okay.
550
00:47:27,355 --> 00:47:30,175
And there's like, I got zapped by the Holy Spirit.
551
00:47:30,175 --> 00:47:31,765
I was like, oh crap.
552
00:47:31,795 --> 00:47:33,805
I was just critical of her being critical.
553
00:47:33,805 --> 00:47:38,545
I don't know if you picked that up, if you didn't, uh, pay attention because you might have a critical lens.
554
00:47:39,055 --> 00:47:41,155
So I was being critical of her being critical.
555
00:47:41,575 --> 00:47:51,775
So we were getting ready to go to church, and church get, I mean, I don't know if you can relate to this, but going to church with four young kids can create a lot of tension and usually criticalness comes out.
556
00:47:52,045 --> 00:48:01,165
Why aren't you ready? Like, I'll never forget the one time one of our children, uh, got in the car, we're halfway up the road and we realized they had no shoes.
557
00:48:01,225 --> 00:48:05,785
So my criticalness comes out during, on the way to church.
558
00:48:06,235 --> 00:48:10,345
Um, and so here we are, we're, um, getting into the car.
559
00:48:10,345 --> 00:48:13,945
And I said to Jilll, I was like, you know, I realize that I've been very critical of you.
560
00:48:14,680 --> 00:48:20,230
And I'm no longer going to speak anything critical, uh, towards you or the kids.
561
00:48:20,470 --> 00:48:21,700
And she's like, eh, whatever.
562
00:48:21,700 --> 00:48:24,760
I, I remember she kind of, uh, I didn't believe him.
563
00:48:24,765 --> 00:48:24,995
Yeah.
564
00:48:25,155 --> 00:48:25,165
Yeah.
565
00:48:25,165 --> 00:48:26,560
She didn't believe that I could do it.
566
00:48:26,860 --> 00:48:27,970
And man, it was hard.
567
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:35,800
I really like, I bit my tongue time and time again, but about two weeks later she came back to me and she's like, I really like that.
568
00:48:36,190 --> 00:48:37,660
Uh, I'm gonna do that too.
569
00:48:38,470 --> 00:48:42,970
And so my criticalness of her not wanting her to be critical of me.
570
00:48:43,270 --> 00:48:47,290
When we were both being critical of each other, one of us had to change it.
571
00:48:47,710 --> 00:48:52,450
And as we changed it, it freed up the space for the other person to also see it and change it.
572
00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:55,750
Now, that didn't heal my heart.
573
00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:59,380
I had unforgiveness, I had judgments, I had a lot of things in my heart.
574
00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:02,470
I were causing the criticalness to come out.
575
00:49:03,010 --> 00:49:10,690
Um, but me doing that began to shift the, the future of our relationship just by that one small, simple change.
576
00:49:11,290 --> 00:49:12,100
Yeah, absolutely.
577
00:49:12,100 --> 00:49:19,450
It's um, I think there's a book called, is it Love and Respect that talks about the Crazy Cycle.
578
00:49:19,450 --> 00:49:19,595
The Crazy Cycle.
579
00:49:19,595 --> 00:49:19,835
Yeah.
580
00:49:20,020 --> 00:49:28,540
And what Karl did was he broke our crazy cycle and there's, there's a lot, most people have multiple crazy cycles.
581
00:49:28,750 --> 00:49:28,810
Yeah.
582
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:32,200
But we've eliminated that one.
583
00:49:32,290 --> 00:49:33,790
I just have a crazy for you Cycle.
584
00:49:33,805 --> 00:49:35,245
Aw, you're so sweet.
585
00:49:36,295 --> 00:49:47,665
But we eliminated that crazy cycle, which allowed us to bring back unity and minimize our fighting and, and, and frustrations with each other and, and begin the process of reconnecting.
586
00:49:47,665 --> 00:49:52,195
So that's what choosing forgiveness can do.
587
00:49:52,555 --> 00:49:59,545
Yeah, and ultimately what the forgiveness did was it enabled me to start to experience the love of Christ in my life.
588
00:49:59,785 --> 00:50:02,875
And in doing that, it began to heal my identity as a person.
589
00:50:03,725 --> 00:50:11,105
Out of that, now we're, we're able to have those hard conversations because we're not so weak in our own identity.
590
00:50:11,105 --> 00:50:14,525
We know, uh, how we're loved and who we're loved by.
591
00:50:14,975 --> 00:50:18,305
So we can have those hard conversations when we need to have them.
592
00:50:18,305 --> 00:50:19,640
Yeah, absolutely.
593
00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:20,640
Absolutely.
594
00:50:20,740 --> 00:50:22,235
That's another talk for another day.
595
00:50:22,235 --> 00:50:27,155
But thank you everybody for tuning in and, uh, we hope this blesses you on your journey.
596
00:50:27,455 --> 00:50:31,610
If you want, uh, we do have scads of scriptures to support all of this.
597
00:50:31,610 --> 00:50:34,220
So if you want scripture, uh, we'll give it to you.
598
00:50:34,220 --> 00:50:39,650
Just reach out and be happy to share it with you and, uh, hope it helps you in your journey of forgiveness.