Ep. 110: Intentional Dating, Divorce and Healthy Co-Parenting with Simoine Kenya

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No matter how much I liked them, no matter if
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they were attractive or whatever, and not that he but
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I think that's what it was like. They weren't creating
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ease for me. I was still doing team work planning
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with the dates, Like sometimes I just want you to
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tell me where to be at what time and I
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just get cute and come right right. I don't want
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to work with you like we both on Google. I
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don't want to do that all the time.
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Welcome back to the podcast. I started this podcast as
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a way to help black men in all aspects of
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our lives. Study shown average, we lose two point eight
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years of our life when we're under every stress, and
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I think we can gain those two point eight years
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back if we express ourselves healthily. Stick with me as
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I interviewed therapists, doctors, advocates, activists and friends about how
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we can be better as black men and as a
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black community. If you're not subscribed to us on YouTube
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and following us on Instagram and TikTok, you'll definitely want
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to do that. Without further ado, let's get into the episode.
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All right, y'all were back with another episode. We are
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here with Simon. Some can someone. We did an episode
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a long time ago, uh in Atlanta. This that was
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actually the first in person episode that I had done.
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It was in Atlanta with you and Malik, and it
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made me realize, like, yo, we could actually do in
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person episode. So it's good to have you back. You know,
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do somewhat of like a part two. Get it tapped,
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you know, tapped into your life and what you what
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you have going on. So before we get started with
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the conversation, I don't feel like I do a good
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job of introducing my guess at all. So can you
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please tell people what you do? Like what you do
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for you have your health care Plug. I know you
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also have a job. You have a lot of degrees,
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so like, yeah, tap the people into who you are,
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what you do?
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This question either, like in interviews, I hate that question.
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Tell me about yourself. I'm like, I have a whole resume.
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You mean right right right? Yeah. My neighbor is Simon Kenya.
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I'm the founder and CEO of the health Care Plug,
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A mom, a daughter, sister, best used to a lot
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of people. What else am I startified? Doula? Got my circuit?
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You may what else? Yes, I do have a lot
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of a lot of degrees. Just finished grad school for
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the second time in December, so he shout out to
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me and that masters was for health informatics, like the
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data and it and tech side of healthcare. Basically, I
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don't know what else to say. Favorite color is red.
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One you know, walks on the beach.
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Okay, okay, okay, okay, I love it all right, So
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I want to ask you, right, so, you just had
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a major mob soon, just turned thirty, right, right, right,
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I love it happy, But later, like I said before, yeah, yeah,
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So I want to start by asking you, like, what
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has that process been, Like, what are some of the
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lessons that you learned in your twenties that you're now
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taking into your thirties.
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I'll start with the hardest one. I think for me,
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it was difficult for me to sit still and focus
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on simone in my twenties. And I remember I had
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this moment. It's like, the closer you get to thirty.
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I know you're not there yet, right, No, I'm not there.
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Okay, So the closer you get, though, I don't know
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if it's like twenty nine and a half, I don't
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know what happens like those last six months, but you
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just started getting real reflective, really self aware. It's it's
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really crazy, and I don't know if everybody goes through it,
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but I definitely did learn some things about myself that
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were hard, and even if they weren't bad things, it
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was just kind of like I did look back at
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one point and I was like, bro, what have I
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been doing my entire twenties? And I spent a lot
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of that time healing because I got married young. I
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got married at twenty two. But I also just realized
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how much this is the first time I'm saying it's
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that lowow how center or how much I centered men
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in my twenties because I was just in relationships, or
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even if I wasn't, I was still daty actively. And
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I think when I got to the point where I
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was just like I need my energy. I needed to
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be for me. And I think also having a break
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from school kind of turned into me just like I
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made my whole theme about life just a break, like
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that was my life goal was just rest and I
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didn't want to feel guilty about it because I feel
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like that happens. I've been thinking about using my platform
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to talk about kind of like what leaders go through,
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not just women, but just like what we go through mentally.
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It kind of feels like you can't put it down
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because I don't know how to describe it. It's like
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if you take a pause, it's just like you feel
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like the world is speeding up around you or that
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you're missing out, and you might be missing outsolutely nothing
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right right. But I feel like it can gill a
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lot of people into like pushing through burnout when you
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really need to rest. And that's a whole different conversation.
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But I would say, yeah, I needed to just start
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getting to know myself. And I feel like I didn't
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really start doing that till my maybe like twenty seven
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twenty eight mark. And I was after I was done
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like healing from my divorce and just everything I had
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been through. I had to navigate a lot of different
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like labels. I was also finding myself. I had that
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like post break up glow up kind of thing. I
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was trying to figure out, Okay, now I know I'm cute,
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like what does that look like? And you know, it
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was just it was an array of things. So I
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think the biggest thing now though, is the resting part.
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And so I said, okay, after I graduate in December.
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I had people asking me what's next, What's next?
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What's next?
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And sometimes I hate that question because I have a
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plan for my life. But I also feel like the fluidity,
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the flexibility is important because I didn't know that I
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would go to grad school a second time, like that
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was never my plan, but that was something I was
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interested in. I was at More Health School Medicine at
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the time as an employee, and I was doing a
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presentation for one of the assistant directors there on health informatics.
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Had never heard about it, but she liked my design skills,
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so she was like, yeah, can you design this for me?
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I said yeah, sure, but I didn't know she wanted
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me to also do background research on the content to
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go in there as well. So that was my first
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time of just being like, girl, I just thought you
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wanted me to make a cute power point. I didn't
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know you wanted me to do all this. But as
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I researched about it, I got more interested, and then
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she was actually over the online programs at More Health
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School Medicine. So after I was like, okay, I looked
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into the application of requirements and stuff. I was like, okay,
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this is kind of easy. And I actually waited on
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until like the day before the deadline to apply, and
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I was like, you know, I've been sitting on this
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trying to think about if I'm gonna do it or not,
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and if I get in, then I know it's meant
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for me. And I did get in and now I'm done.
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So that was like the quickest year in my life.
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But yeah, I think just now I'm focusing on resting
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and it feels so weird. Like I told myself after graduation,
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we're gonna take a gap year, and some people don't
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know what that is. So it's just twelve months where
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you just literally just work or you decide how you
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want to spend your gap year. Some people travel. I've
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been doing that too, But yeah, I think that's been
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my major focus so far, is just trying to be
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like stop moving around so much. And it has been
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so hard, like mentally, emotionally, physically, it's been so hard
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to still I'm not even not like beat myself up
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at the same time.
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So, yeah, you guys just had so many things I
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want to dive into. The first thing I want to
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ask you, which I think is so interesting, As you
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mentioned that through your twenties. One of the things you
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did a lot was centering. Man, What did that look
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like for you? What do you mean by centering? Man?
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I think that what that was for Simon would be
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very careful with my words, because you know less.
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Listen, don't worry. Don't worry about these these crazy folks
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on Instagram.
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Man. No, I think what that looked like for me, though,
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was I don't want to make it seem like I mean,
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like I was boy crazy or anything like that. But
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I think that there's periods in our life where we
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know we need to just be single, m but we
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don't want to be alone. So even if that's not
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you being in a relationship, it can look like, Okay,
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you're dating with no intentions and stuff like that. And
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I know people do that every day. But for me,
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I've always been a love of girl always, like I
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just I just I don't know. I just was always
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a love girl. I didn't really like dream about like
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what my wedding would be, what that would look like
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and all that, like some women do. They have their
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Pinterest boards and stuff. I think I'm like that now. Yeah,
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I'm definitely like that now, Like my Instagram album is
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kind of crazy my wedding and yeah, so anyway, that's
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that's a whole different tangent. But yeah, I think that
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there were just periods of my twenties where now that
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I look back, I'm like, girl, if you would have
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just focused, if you would have just taken it, don't
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even have to be as serious as a year off,
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a year break from dating, but even three to six months,
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which I have been. I did have periods more than
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three months where I wasn't dating, But I feel like
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they just could have been a little bit longer. I
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could have focused on other things which I was still
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achieving because I was in school. I've been in school
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my whole life. Every time I say that, it just.
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Like you're going to be.
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It's pre k. So I'm tired, like I don't have
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nothing else to learn. I do, but I don't want
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to learn right now. I don't want to learn right now.
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But yeah, that's what it was. It was just me ignoring,
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like because okay, when you're dating somebody and y'all, y'all
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get to know each other and all of that, like
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you're carrying that other person's Uh, I don't want to
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call it not their emotions, but I mean you're, yeah,
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like their energy, like you're getting ingrained into their life.
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What they go through, you kind of indirectly go through
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to if they tell you about it, you want to
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make that person's life better. And man, I literally just
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for a while, I did have a period where I'm
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not really sure how these men were being attracted, but
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I think for me, if I saw okay, let me,
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let me, let me just be, let me just be frank,
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I dated men that I don't want to say, we're
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not on my level, but I definitely settled in some areas,
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went for things that I wouldn't have gone for that
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living situation, job situation, whatever. Like I dated below my
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personal standards because I was like that's okay, Like that's
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something that I can help them with.
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Right.
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So then you get to you get to the end
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of that that engagement, and you're just kind of like,
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you know, I have spent so much money, like I
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have literally I'm not even going to starting naming all
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stuff that I've done. I'll do some crazy things I.
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Want to get into it, but.
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I have just literally like whether it was career development,
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like I'm spending hundreds things like that, just like trying
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to you know how good about But I think that
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sometimes you can, you can become someone's crutch, and maybe
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that is, you know, they may be going through what
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they're going through as a lesson. Maybe that's just God's
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plan for that person, and you're hindering them because you're like, oh, no,
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let me do it for you, let me do it
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for you. And I'm just I had to grow out
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of my people pleasing. So I think that that like
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kind of showed up in the way that I dated.
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So I was taking care of a lot of right,
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not that they weren't taking care of me as well
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in different ways, but yeah, it was that thing. I
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learned that there's a fine line between and it's a
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T shirt, it's a fine line between being somebody's helpmate
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and being their mother. And I was dancing on the
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mother's side for a long time. So and if not
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too bashed men or anything like that, it was just
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like I had to look inward and be like, girl,
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you doing too much, doing too much, And so a
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lot of times like yeah, I may have felt like
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I was in love or infatuated, but I was also exhausted.
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Because your Yeah. Yeah, different than being a helpmate.
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Very very different. Yeah, it wasn't like you're like, you're
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not complimenting each other if and of course, like you
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can have periods where one person may be down bed. Yeah,
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you know that's different.
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Though, but those shouldn't be prolonged potatoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, No,
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I get what you're saying, and I want to add
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this in here just so I know I said it,
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because I'm gonna put the clip up and I already
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know people will listen to whatever they want to listen to,
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and here something else what you're saying. I'm a man,
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and I know exactly what you're saying. I've had this
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conversation with many different women, even Naima, my girl, when
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she's talked about her past relationships and how things went down.
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This is a very common experience between women and men,
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even men and women, right. It happens all the time
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in relationships. So if this is something that gets people upset,
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it is what it is, right, Like, they have to
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look inward and understand where that's coming from. Because I
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think what you're saying makes a lot of sense. There's
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a difference between being a helpmate and being a mother, right,
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Like when you come into a relationship and you're mothering
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a man that looks like you're trying to pull him
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into things that he's not walking into. Wow, you know
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what I'm saying. Right, So, like with me and Naima,
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Naima doesn't have to tell me, Yo, go to Atlanta
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and record five podcast episodes, like I'm setting all of
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that stuff up. The way Naima is my helpmate is yo, babe.
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You know, I know you got two episodes today, so
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you know, I'm just wishing you the best. I'm praying
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for you. Dlah blah blah. I know you're gonna kill it.
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That's being a helpmate the way she would be my
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mother in that scenario is, Yo, babe, make sure you
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go and do this, and I also set this thing
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up for you, and I paid for this and that,
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and this person is gonna be there at this You
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know that, No, you're mothering at that point. You're you're
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trying to pull me into something that I haven't walked into.
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And so I think it's very important to understand the
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difference between those two things. And I wanted to explain
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it that way. So people are not sitting there like, well,
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aren't you supposed to support the person you're with? Yes,
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you are, absolutely, but to a degree, right to a degree.
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And you also have to understand your capacity. Everybody's capacity
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looks different. So if that's what your limits are, then
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that's absolutely fine. There's nothing wrong with that.
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Right, so get into capacity.
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Yeah, let's talk about it.
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And that's why I had to take a step back
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because not that. So I never felt angry towards the
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god that I did something for them, because I'm just
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that kind of person anyway. Like I'm just a very
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giving person. I don't need it in return. I feel
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like I am unique because of the way that I
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love others. So I don't expect you to be simone
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to simone. You can't. You can only be you. So
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I think like that was the biggest wake up call
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for me was capacity because I was doing things and
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like you know, coming out of pocket for things that
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I knew. I knew I had other things to say
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for like I just told you I'm about to move
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and just stuff like that, and there's just other things
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that I knew I needed to prioritize. But I was
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kind of like putting myself in a hole trying to
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help somebody else, and I was like, you know, this
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is actually something that you have the power to get
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yourself out of, or a situation you have the power
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to better. And not that I you don't want that
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person to feel neglected, but it's kind of like, let
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me just help you instead of hinder you. And so
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I'm actually seeing I'm in a great relationship right now.
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So and this was a long time coming because I
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know we known each other for years now and I
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know that I have We've had some combos, and I'm
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seeing how this is showing up now so many things
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you got to get into. I'm seeing how I was
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showing up now that I'm in a healthy, like reciprocal,
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complimentary relationship.
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What's showing up because.
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I have I had periods in the beginning where I
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felt useless because I didn't have to do as much
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as I was used.
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To doing, say a game. Yeah, it makes a lot
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of sense.
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Again, Like I literally was like I'm not doing enough
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or always asking him like are you sure you don't
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need to do this, and he's like you're fine, Like
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everything's fine. So I'm retraining myself even now and it's
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still a fresh relationship, but he is just.
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Love it.
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I love now I can be taken care of and
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not like in a swoop in and pay my bills
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and all that kind of thing, but just you know,
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just somebody to anticipate my needs, learn me, be patient
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with me, and create ease in my life. That was
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the number one thing I was looking for. Am I
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even going to get into that too. That was the
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main thing I was looking for And a man was like, okay,
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this time when I date. I said, at the top
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of the year, I want to be strategic the way
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that I, you know, think about my business, my school
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and my future dating everything like if it's important to me,
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I want to be strategic. And that can look different
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for a lot of people. For me, it was reading books,
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exposing myself to people that have not what I want
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but have successful relationships, things like that. So then I
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turned to our boy, doctor Tart and his wife Mecca,
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and they're amazing. So it's ironic how God be playing
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playing don't know what he do And I was literally
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having a phone conversation with a friend and I was
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like talking about the same thing. Now, I want to
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be intentional. This year. Then I get on Instagram and
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I feel like the algorithm be planning too, And there's
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this clip of doctor Tart talking about this class called
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the Ring Formula, a masterclass, and so like one of
359
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the odds. So he's talking about like three things. I
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00:18:51.440 --> 00:18:53.599
forgot what it was. It was either three things that
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men are looking for in a woman or like places
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you can go to meet men. He's always giving great advices,
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contents great. So I was like, okay, I don't got
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nothing to do tonight, like I'll get on the master
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classes or whatever, and they immediately reeled me in, only
366
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because you know, they are very candid about or transparent
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rather about you know, things that occurred while they were dating.
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I didn't know they were both matchmakers and they ended
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up meeting each other. So I love their story of
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how they met. They have a beautiful family. They come
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from like a Christian perspective too, which was important for me.
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So I just remember us getting in there. I signed
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up for the masterclass course which was about five to
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six weeks, and it's just for ladies, I believe, just
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for women. So we're in there single women. It was
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like eight of us, and I think why it was
377
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so instrumental for me is because I had a community,
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because I feel like sometimes it can feel like it's
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just you versus social media when you're dating. If you're
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a social media person. I'm gonna go back to. So
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Mecca had a clip online before. It was like some
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years ago, and she was saying that women need to
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stop dating with a what was it? She said, we
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need to start dating with like an abundance mindset, So
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stop saying there's no men left or you know how
386
00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:19.920
Now we joke and we say it's pee in the
387
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dating pool. But if you have that mindset when you're dating,
388
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like that is affecting your perspective when you date.
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For sure, you're going.
390
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To settle because you think that it can't get better.
391
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It's subconscious, yeah, yes, and.
392
00:20:37.519 --> 00:20:40.920
It can absolutely get better, Like it can get better.
393
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You can have I won't say the exact person that
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you make up in your mind because not everybody's expectations
395
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are realistic. But for me, you know, taking that class,
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listening to people even when I didn't want to, doing
397
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things I didn't want to do, like getting back on
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dating apps. If I didn't have one of my sisters
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in that class to push me and be like, girl,
400
00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:03.200
just try to handle one more time. Because I was
401
00:21:03.319 --> 00:21:05.920
very busy at the time with work. It was probably
402
00:21:05.960 --> 00:21:09.559
the hardest project I've ever had to lead ever at work,
403
00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:13.680
and I didn't have time. Like they were giving us
404
00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:15.960
all the tea in this class. They were telling us
405
00:21:16.359 --> 00:21:19.599
ideal places to go in Atlanta and other cities to
406
00:21:19.680 --> 00:21:22.960
meet men in person, how to work the room, how
407
00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:25.279
to like kind of like flirt with the guy, but
408
00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:27.839
instead of y'all playing the looking game, like things that
409
00:21:27.880 --> 00:21:29.640
we can do that are kind of subtle to make
410
00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:32.279
a guy come over, or we can initiate the conversation.
411
00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:35.720
They were just like really making us think outside the box.
412
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But one thing that I was I went in there
413
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with it was my mindset on the fact that I
414
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was not about to get on any dating apps ever again.
415
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And my man was on there the whole time he
416
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was on that app. All I had to do on
417
00:21:52.599 --> 00:21:56.039
that app is crazy, But all I had to do
418
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is give a chance and be patient and change my perspective.
419
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If I don't think I would have had the dating
420
00:22:02.960 --> 00:22:06.880
experience that I had this time without a shifted perspective.
421
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Your perspective on apps, using apps or just your perspective
422
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in general when it comes to dating, Like, what perspective
423
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shift did you need?
424
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I needed to shift my perspective about the dating. I think, no,
425
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you know what, no, cause I made that that shift
426
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years ago. But I think for me, it was how
427
00:22:29.440 --> 00:22:31.839
I was going about dating, how I was approaching it.
428
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So maybe I'll say my approach. I wasn't willing to
429
00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:38.559
be patient because I would go out one time and
430
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be like, see he not out here, and it's just
431
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kind of like, you got to be realistic. You have
432
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to let things work, you have to let the dominoes fall.
433
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And then I'm gonna share some tip business. Please, I
434
00:22:49.160 --> 00:22:50.200
need this to make sense.
435
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Please.
436
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So I have never had dating goals, okay, even though
437
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I knew what I think we focus on the end goal,
438
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Like I know I want to be a wife. I
439
00:22:59.079 --> 00:23:01.359
know I want to be a fiance just to be
440
00:23:01.400 --> 00:23:03.079
a fiancee to be a wife, and I know I
441
00:23:03.119 --> 00:23:04.960
want to have a family, all this good stuff, right,
442
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you want a healthy marriage. I think we skip over
443
00:23:08.640 --> 00:23:12.319
the power where we have to work, right, So they
444
00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:15.119
make us like come up with goals in the beginning,
445
00:23:15.240 --> 00:23:17.720
and it was so hard for me at first, but
446
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mine were partnering with God number one, I knew I
447
00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:25.000
wanted to do that. I wanted to build community. A
448
00:23:25.079 --> 00:23:27.079
lot of people may not have that goal in they're dating.
449
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Learn how to position myself for the type of man
450
00:23:31.200 --> 00:23:36.519
that I wanted to attract, go on more dates, grow personally,
451
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and define my standards for dating in the process, because
452
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what are your standards? That question used to stomp me
453
00:23:44.359 --> 00:23:47.519
so bad. Not what you're looking for, right, but like,
454
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what are my standards for dating? You can't stand ten
455
00:23:51.039 --> 00:23:54.200
toes down on what you don't know. So and then
456
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my last one was attracting the one by the end
457
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of the year, and I said, like, my next one
458
00:23:59.319 --> 00:24:01.440
will be my last one, so I want to be intentional.
459
00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:04.440
And that one was scary for me to type out
460
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:07.440
because I didn't I don't know. I think when you
461
00:24:07.480 --> 00:24:12.160
put a timeline on things and they get scary. So
462
00:24:12.519 --> 00:24:14.559
but I was like, you know what, No, that's me
463
00:24:14.720 --> 00:24:17.480
challenging guys. So I'm like, look, I feel like I
464
00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:19.480
can attract one by the end of the year. I say,
465
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I have to have one hundred thousand dollars wedding attract
466
00:24:22.359 --> 00:24:23.640
one right right? Right?
467
00:24:24.559 --> 00:24:29.640
Okay? Yeah, so so oh you gave you give me
468
00:24:29.759 --> 00:24:31.680
so much stuff to talk about. Now we weren't even
469
00:24:31.720 --> 00:24:33.680
supposed to get this defense data. But you know, I
470
00:24:33.759 --> 00:24:35.480
let the podcasts flow the way in which they need
471
00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:37.480
to flow, and this is obviously the way that conversation
472
00:24:37.519 --> 00:24:40.359
should flow anyway. So let's talk about it. What are
473
00:24:40.400 --> 00:24:45.000
some of the standards that you needed to set? What
474
00:24:45.119 --> 00:24:46.559
did what did that look like for you?
475
00:24:48.559 --> 00:24:53.640
WHOA, I will say, m I kind of left it
476
00:24:53.680 --> 00:24:56.240
a little fluid this time. I do have like my
477
00:24:56.359 --> 00:25:00.759
non negotiables, just like men do on the apps. There's
478
00:25:01.440 --> 00:25:04.359
just because that's where I dated. Mostly that's what I'll
479
00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:06.359
speak to. But there are a lot of men that
480
00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:08.839
are like, I don't do single mothers stuff like that,
481
00:25:08.960 --> 00:25:10.920
so I offer it. I'm like, okay, we're just not
482
00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:16.079
supposed to be right. But I have my non negotiables,
483
00:25:16.119 --> 00:25:18.920
like I do want to be with a man of God,
484
00:25:19.079 --> 00:25:21.799
because you know, I have a relationship with God. So
485
00:25:22.200 --> 00:25:26.240
I'll try to date other people that were apart or
486
00:25:26.359 --> 00:25:30.559
they identify with certain religions and it just didn't work
487
00:25:30.599 --> 00:25:32.440
for us. And then I'm like, okay, if this is
488
00:25:32.440 --> 00:25:35.480
somebody that I want to raise kids with, I don't
489
00:25:35.480 --> 00:25:38.519
want this to be like a ticking time bum. And
490
00:25:38.559 --> 00:25:40.920
I know people make it work every day, but just
491
00:25:40.960 --> 00:25:43.880
for Simon, I want it to be with a Christian
492
00:25:43.880 --> 00:25:47.319
man that already goes to church so I don't have
493
00:25:47.400 --> 00:25:53.559
to Like, yeah, I definitely wanted a man with that
494
00:25:53.680 --> 00:25:56.759
had a great job, like had vision for what he
495
00:25:56.799 --> 00:26:00.880
wanted to do with his life, because I know when
496
00:26:00.880 --> 00:26:05.160
you get to talk about women submitting to man and submission.
497
00:26:06.079 --> 00:26:07.160
Not the word thing.
498
00:26:07.240 --> 00:26:08.799
Look you're cussing at that.
499
00:26:08.880 --> 00:26:13.680
Not the words good lord, don't you sision on this podcast?
500
00:26:14.119 --> 00:26:16.759
Like, Okay, if I'm going to submit to a man
501
00:26:17.839 --> 00:26:19.759
number one, he can't be submitted to him. So if
502
00:26:19.759 --> 00:26:21.839
he's gonna have to be submitted to someone else, which
503
00:26:21.880 --> 00:26:23.839
is the lawyer, right, So you got to be submitted
504
00:26:23.880 --> 00:26:26.680
to God first. But also like what kind of men
505
00:26:26.759 --> 00:26:29.279
do I want to submit to? And so that's the
506
00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:30.839
thing that I was kind of thinking about, like I
507
00:26:30.839 --> 00:26:33.440
do want him to be independent, have its own place
508
00:26:33.480 --> 00:26:36.559
to live, things like that, and then as you date,
509
00:26:36.640 --> 00:26:40.200
you kind of like pick out and observe things that
510
00:26:40.240 --> 00:26:42.480
you do want things you don't. So there were some
511
00:26:42.519 --> 00:26:45.599
guys that were really great, but they lived too far
512
00:26:46.200 --> 00:26:51.799
or their their lifestyle didn't work for me. So what
513
00:26:51.839 --> 00:26:54.240
that might look like is like, if it's somebody who
514
00:26:54.279 --> 00:26:57.359
works really late or you work on weekends, that's my
515
00:26:57.440 --> 00:27:00.319
most available time. So it's like, if we can't spend
516
00:27:00.400 --> 00:27:03.920
quality time that's one of my top love languages, I'm
517
00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:06.839
not connecting with you the way that I want to
518
00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:09.000
is we don't have time, don't have the time that
519
00:27:09.079 --> 00:27:12.680
I need. And really I noticed about both of us,
520
00:27:12.720 --> 00:27:17.880
but again just speaking on someone. But also again, like
521
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:22.440
I said, intentional was another important one because there's so
522
00:27:22.519 --> 00:27:26.319
many great men that I've dated that just weren't on
523
00:27:26.359 --> 00:27:30.559
the same page as me that so I was treated
524
00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:35.680
well respected, all these good things. But I was always
525
00:27:35.759 --> 00:27:39.680
upfront about the fact that not really on a timeline,
526
00:27:39.680 --> 00:27:42.240
but I knew that I wanted to be married, have children,
527
00:27:42.440 --> 00:27:46.279
that kind of thing not everybody wants that. Some people
528
00:27:46.319 --> 00:27:49.119
aren't even thinking about marriage, and that was kind of
529
00:27:49.160 --> 00:27:55.200
scary for me because I'm like, Okay, you know, how
530
00:27:55.240 --> 00:27:57.319
long am I going to be somebody's girlfriend or how
531
00:27:57.319 --> 00:28:00.599
long am I going to just date you? Titles and
532
00:28:00.599 --> 00:28:02.559
stuff like that, because that does matter to me. That's
533
00:28:02.599 --> 00:28:06.480
not everybody. It mattered to SM So I'm like, no,
534
00:28:06.599 --> 00:28:10.079
I would like to transition into be somebody's girlfriend within
535
00:28:10.160 --> 00:28:13.799
this timeframe, and then you know, I would like to
536
00:28:13.799 --> 00:28:16.680
get engaged and get married. So I had to stop
537
00:28:16.759 --> 00:28:18.440
dating dudes that didn't.
538
00:28:18.200 --> 00:28:20.960
With That's so interesting to me.
539
00:28:21.720 --> 00:28:25.160
Man, instead of wasting time trying to convince them right,
540
00:28:25.480 --> 00:28:28.119
because we do that. We do that. It's like a
541
00:28:28.160 --> 00:28:30.240
man will tell you he don't want kids and you're like, oh,
542
00:28:30.240 --> 00:28:33.519
I'll change his mind. Girl, You know that really happened.
543
00:28:33.920 --> 00:28:37.160
So crazy. Man, I feel like I'm talking to the
544
00:28:37.200 --> 00:28:40.440
woman version of me. Bro Like. I used to do
545
00:28:40.519 --> 00:28:46.759
the same thing. Nah, I used to do the same thing,
546
00:28:46.839 --> 00:28:49.799
bro Like. Literally with my ex, she didn't want to
547
00:28:49.839 --> 00:28:51.200
get married, she didn't want to have kids. I tell
548
00:28:51.240 --> 00:28:53.599
people this all the time so they know I'm not kevin.
549
00:28:54.279 --> 00:28:55.599
She didn't want to get married, she didn't want to
550
00:28:55.640 --> 00:28:59.640
have kids. And I used to think to myself, let's
551
00:28:59.720 --> 00:29:04.319
girl tripping. You know who I am. We're gonna watch
552
00:29:04.559 --> 00:29:06.279
in two years she gonna want to have some kids.
553
00:29:06.279 --> 00:29:07.960
You don't want to get married once you see how
554
00:29:07.960 --> 00:29:12.319
good I am. I'm trying to prove my worth, prove
555
00:29:12.400 --> 00:29:16.119
my value because I'm insecure. I'm not secure. I don't
556
00:29:16.119 --> 00:29:18.359
have security and who I am as a person. So
557
00:29:18.440 --> 00:29:22.640
I got to prove to you that I'm valuable so
558
00:29:22.680 --> 00:29:24.880
that you are like, yo, now you know what I
559
00:29:24.920 --> 00:29:26.759
actually do want to do this thing. I actually do
560
00:29:26.839 --> 00:29:28.480
want to have kids, that you actually do want to
561
00:29:28.519 --> 00:29:32.599
get married. Now that I'm actually secure myself, I realize, like, yo,
562
00:29:32.640 --> 00:29:35.079
you were really just wasting time. Somebody tells you who
563
00:29:35.119 --> 00:29:38.279
they are, you believe them, and then you let them rock.
564
00:29:38.720 --> 00:29:41.640
You don't try and like, nah, bro, come do this thing,
565
00:29:41.839 --> 00:29:44.359
like nah, because that's how you end up wasting so
566
00:29:44.640 --> 00:29:46.799
much time. And that's what I was doing, is like
567
00:29:47.680 --> 00:29:51.079
somebody's showing me who they are. And because I didn't
568
00:29:51.119 --> 00:29:54.839
want to be single, because I didn't want to be
569
00:29:55.079 --> 00:29:59.319
alone and spend that time by myself, I'm like, it
570
00:29:59.359 --> 00:30:01.799
can make it work this flag, But I'm.
571
00:30:01.680 --> 00:30:04.640
Telling you, and it's a mixture. It's a mixture of
572
00:30:04.799 --> 00:30:08.559
like not wanting to be alone and then settling because
573
00:30:08.599 --> 00:30:11.440
you think that it can't get any better, so you're like, no,
574
00:30:11.480 --> 00:30:13.119
I need to stay with this person, I need to
575
00:30:13.119 --> 00:30:15.880
spend this time here, when no, really, you can keep
576
00:30:15.880 --> 00:30:19.359
it moving pretty quickly as soon as y'all have those
577
00:30:19.480 --> 00:30:22.880
like big conversations which a lot of people may not
578
00:30:23.039 --> 00:30:25.960
have in the beginning when they're dating. That's something I
579
00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:29.359
did learn was start having the hard conversations first and
580
00:30:29.400 --> 00:30:32.319
stop trying to be cute talking about zodiacs and colors
581
00:30:32.359 --> 00:30:34.319
and all of that stuff in the beginning, favorite type
582
00:30:34.359 --> 00:30:37.400
of music. And I know these things are like conversation starters,
583
00:30:37.400 --> 00:30:39.759
but we get stuck there and then we don't have
584
00:30:39.839 --> 00:30:42.880
the big conversations until you know, stuff hits the.
585
00:30:42.839 --> 00:30:46.119
Fany three months and not wasting too much in my life.
586
00:30:46.119 --> 00:30:47.279
And I didn't even know you ain't want to have
587
00:30:47.319 --> 00:30:49.000
kids at the first place, So why are we talking?
588
00:30:49.279 --> 00:30:52.000
That's it. And you know, I'm not even selfish about
589
00:30:52.039 --> 00:30:55.319
it even from that perspective, because I'm like, look, if
590
00:30:55.319 --> 00:30:58.559
I see that we aren't aligned early, I'm releasing you
591
00:30:58.599 --> 00:31:01.400
because you somebody else's man, right, You're not my man.
592
00:31:02.200 --> 00:31:04.400
So just like I want my man to be released,
593
00:31:05.079 --> 00:31:08.480
I need to release you because you ain't. I almost
594
00:31:08.519 --> 00:31:08.759
want to.
595
00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:12.519
Say, you know what, anyway, somebody got to release somebody.
596
00:31:12.599 --> 00:31:16.359
Man has to release somebody's mad.
597
00:31:16.839 --> 00:31:20.279
Because your man is literally looking for you, okay, oh man,
598
00:31:21.079 --> 00:31:25.200
yeah yeah, but I think I, like I said, this time,
599
00:31:25.359 --> 00:31:28.519
it just felt so fun, like even if things didn't
600
00:31:28.519 --> 00:31:31.240
work out with a guy, I had a good little
601
00:31:31.240 --> 00:31:33.400
cohort this time. I call him my cohort because I
602
00:31:33.440 --> 00:31:36.240
had I don't like roster. I had a little cohort, right,
603
00:31:36.839 --> 00:31:39.920
So I feel like sometimes happening to narrow down guys
604
00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:42.119
can be a little bit difficult if there's one that
605
00:31:42.200 --> 00:31:46.039
you like, multiple that you like. So then I was like, okay,
606
00:31:46.119 --> 00:31:48.079
let me just let me stay true to me and
607
00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:51.319
again having dating coaches with the best investment I've ever
608
00:31:51.359 --> 00:31:54.359
made in my life. So I'm plucking the ring formula,
609
00:31:54.680 --> 00:31:58.440
like doctor Tart and Mecca are amazing. They want to
610
00:31:58.440 --> 00:32:00.000
see you win, and they gonna give you the two.
611
00:32:00.240 --> 00:32:03.880
They don't get key, they don't get key. I wanted
612
00:32:03.920 --> 00:32:07.000
them to find my man for me, But technically, technically
613
00:32:07.039 --> 00:32:11.119
the experience did. I said, I met my man probably
614
00:32:12.240 --> 00:32:15.799
less than thirty days after finishing the course word and
615
00:32:16.160 --> 00:32:21.200
I didn't even know because at the time, I will
616
00:32:21.240 --> 00:32:24.559
say I had him in probably underdog position, like we
617
00:32:24.559 --> 00:32:28.400
were getting to know each other slower only because I
618
00:32:28.480 --> 00:32:30.559
was dating another guy. I had him as my front
619
00:32:30.640 --> 00:32:34.480
runner and we were just going on frequent dates. So
620
00:32:34.519 --> 00:32:36.160
it was just kind of like, Okay, I would try
621
00:32:36.160 --> 00:32:37.960
to go on a date with the other guy and
622
00:32:37.960 --> 00:32:40.519
and I'm dating now, but I would already have something
623
00:32:40.519 --> 00:32:43.240
to do with this guy. But then this that ended
624
00:32:43.319 --> 00:32:45.799
up not working out for so many reasons, but still
625
00:32:45.839 --> 00:32:48.240
a great person, but that wasn't my man, So what
626
00:32:48.279 --> 00:32:52.039
did I do? I had to let him go. But
627
00:32:52.079 --> 00:32:55.079
then I was like, okay, let me start focusing on
628
00:32:55.279 --> 00:32:58.599
this guy. And then, like from the first date, he
629
00:32:58.680 --> 00:33:01.480
was so intentional. He was already planning the next date
630
00:33:01.559 --> 00:33:04.200
on the like I was like, what we are literally
631
00:33:04.240 --> 00:33:06.000
not even at the end of dinner, you talk about
632
00:33:06.079 --> 00:33:08.200
the next time you're gonna see me, So that was
633
00:33:08.240 --> 00:33:12.640
already getting my attention. Then I always say, I don't
634
00:33:12.640 --> 00:33:14.759
know why I had this weird thing, but I was like, okay,
635
00:33:14.960 --> 00:33:16.759
I know he's my man if you bring me flowers
636
00:33:16.799 --> 00:33:19.680
on a date, because I've never had that before really,
637
00:33:19.799 --> 00:33:22.880
but I love flowers. So I was like, okay, we're
638
00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:25.119
gonna see So then he took me to dinner for
639
00:33:25.200 --> 00:33:29.039
my birthday and got me these gorgeous, freaking flowers and
640
00:33:29.079 --> 00:33:32.720
he was like, yeah, actually never gotten flowers before. And
641
00:33:32.759 --> 00:33:35.599
I was like, okay, so we're both doing things out
642
00:33:35.599 --> 00:33:38.039
of our comfort zone. Love it, love it. But also
643
00:33:38.160 --> 00:33:40.359
I could tell he was like kind of following my pace,
644
00:33:40.440 --> 00:33:44.039
so he wouldn't like sit too close to me or
645
00:33:44.440 --> 00:33:46.279
try to hold my hand or put his arm around
646
00:33:46.319 --> 00:33:50.079
me without me giving him cutes that I was okay
647
00:33:50.079 --> 00:33:53.440
with that. So even like him just being respectful there
648
00:33:53.640 --> 00:33:56.119
was great because I know sometimes guys can get like
649
00:33:56.519 --> 00:33:59.759
really touchy feely. Hear women too, like really early on,
650
00:34:00.400 --> 00:34:02.079
and it's like, what are we here for?
651
00:34:02.160 --> 00:34:04.519
Hold on? Hold on now, yeah, let's let's let's learn
652
00:34:04.559 --> 00:34:07.000
each other brother. Yeah, before we before we started doing
653
00:34:07.000 --> 00:34:07.240
all that.
654
00:34:07.680 --> 00:34:10.960
Yeah, so like we've just really been able to focus
655
00:34:10.960 --> 00:34:14.119
on each other, like I think our So I knew
656
00:34:14.119 --> 00:34:17.519
that I loved him number one, but I knew that
657
00:34:17.679 --> 00:34:19.159
was gonna be my man on our second date.
658
00:34:19.760 --> 00:34:22.880
Why why explain why that's that's interesting?
659
00:34:23.039 --> 00:34:26.599
I knew because so we were sitting we found this
660
00:34:26.679 --> 00:34:30.840
table where we were at and the table had swing
661
00:34:30.920 --> 00:34:33.119
chairs and child just like you know, I wanted.
662
00:34:32.920 --> 00:34:33.760
To swing of course.
663
00:34:33.760 --> 00:34:38.039
So anyway, were sitting there talking for hours and I
664
00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:39.960
just looked at him at one point and I was like,
665
00:34:40.639 --> 00:34:42.960
this is my freaking houseband, And I don't know, I
666
00:34:43.000 --> 00:34:45.280
think it was like what we were talking about. We
667
00:34:45.280 --> 00:34:47.119
were getting to know each other. We had a lot
668
00:34:47.159 --> 00:34:51.519
of similarities with like family life, our values and stuff
669
00:34:51.559 --> 00:34:53.559
like that. So it was like it wasn't like what
670
00:34:53.719 --> 00:34:56.480
he was doing for me, it was me getting to
671
00:34:56.519 --> 00:34:59.639
know him on a more intimate level. I was like, man, like,
672
00:34:59.679 --> 00:35:02.199
I can really see how he's talking about how he
673
00:35:02.280 --> 00:35:05.639
handled like past situation stuff like that. I'm like, dang,
674
00:35:05.719 --> 00:35:08.800
I could really see him like leading my family. It's happening.
675
00:35:09.320 --> 00:35:12.440
So there was also a portion of that date. So
676
00:35:12.519 --> 00:35:15.920
every Sunday I go to publics to get what my
677
00:35:16.000 --> 00:35:19.679
son needs for the week for his lunchbox, right, And
678
00:35:20.039 --> 00:35:23.320
it was getting kind of late that night after our date,
679
00:35:23.559 --> 00:35:25.119
and I was like, man, I'm just gonna have to
680
00:35:25.159 --> 00:35:26.679
go in the morning at like seven.
681
00:35:26.440 --> 00:35:29.280
Am because Sunday. Yeah, okay, okay.
682
00:35:29.199 --> 00:35:31.360
Because on a Sunday. So I was like, dang, you know,
683
00:35:31.400 --> 00:35:34.199
it's kind of late. Now Public's about to close. And
684
00:35:34.360 --> 00:35:36.679
there was one that was in close proximity to us.
685
00:35:36.679 --> 00:35:40.159
So he was like like unprovoked. Now he didn't even
686
00:35:40.159 --> 00:35:41.960
have to do this, but he was like, how about
687
00:35:42.000 --> 00:35:43.719
I take you so that you know, you can just
688
00:35:43.760 --> 00:35:45.920
have a smooth morning. You don't have to worry about it.
689
00:35:48.760 --> 00:35:51.239
I'll run up out of here right now, because what
690
00:35:52.800 --> 00:35:56.159
And I know that probably seems so simple, but I
691
00:35:56.360 --> 00:36:00.280
was like, this man does not even know, like he
692
00:36:00.360 --> 00:36:03.239
has no reason to try to go out of his
693
00:36:03.280 --> 00:36:07.280
way to create ease for me. But that was like
694
00:36:08.199 --> 00:36:10.199
I was like, Okay, I knew that was the top
695
00:36:10.239 --> 00:36:13.920
thing I was looking for, was just that ease. I
696
00:36:13.960 --> 00:36:16.840
think that's what helped me narrow down the guys because
697
00:36:16.920 --> 00:36:18.639
no matter how much I liked them, no matter if
698
00:36:18.639 --> 00:36:22.079
they were attractive or whatever, and not that he ain't fun,
699
00:36:22.800 --> 00:36:25.239
but I think that's what it was like, they weren't
700
00:36:25.239 --> 00:36:28.920
creating ease for me. I was still doing teamwork planning
701
00:36:28.960 --> 00:36:31.280
with the dates, like sometimes I just want you to
702
00:36:31.320 --> 00:36:33.639
tell me where to be at what time and I
703
00:36:33.760 --> 00:36:36.480
just get cute and come, I don't want to work
704
00:36:36.519 --> 00:36:39.320
with you, like we both on Google. I don't want
705
00:36:39.320 --> 00:36:42.119
to do that all the time. So he was always
706
00:36:42.199 --> 00:36:45.239
just like again, just intentional with the planning. And after
707
00:36:45.320 --> 00:36:47.800
he went out of his way to think about making
708
00:36:47.880 --> 00:36:50.239
my the start of my week easy. We know how
709
00:36:50.280 --> 00:36:53.320
we feel about mondays, I was like, that's not man,
710
00:36:54.000 --> 00:36:56.679
And it just got better and better and better, like
711
00:36:56.719 --> 00:37:01.239
it's still getting better. So who I gotta meet?
712
00:37:01.679 --> 00:37:06.320
I gotta meet brother. I got me brother. What are
713
00:37:06.320 --> 00:37:08.039
you cool saying his name? You want to say his
714
00:37:08.119 --> 00:37:09.400
name on you know what?
715
00:37:10.239 --> 00:37:11.440
I'm gonna say my man's name.
716
00:37:11.480 --> 00:37:12.360
What's his name?
717
00:37:12.559 --> 00:37:13.280
Name is Malcolm?
718
00:37:13.400 --> 00:37:16.440
Malcolm? Shout out to you, Malcolm. I just wanted to
719
00:37:16.440 --> 00:37:18.880
give him a shout out if he ends up watching
720
00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:21.599
this episode. If you don't, it's all good. Shout out
721
00:37:21.639 --> 00:37:24.639
to Malcolm Man. Shout out to Malcolm Man. All right,
722
00:37:24.679 --> 00:37:27.880
I'm interrupting this podcast episode to let you guys know
723
00:37:28.159 --> 00:37:33.159
to leave a review on the podcast. Please, please, please,
724
00:37:33.400 --> 00:37:37.440
If you are listening to this episode and you're finding
725
00:37:37.599 --> 00:37:40.480
value in this episode, you're enjoying the conversation, or you've
726
00:37:40.559 --> 00:37:44.039
enjoyed a previous episode or conversation, and it's safe to
727
00:37:44.119 --> 00:37:47.039
operate your phone right now, please leave us a review.
728
00:37:47.480 --> 00:37:50.920
Your review is a free and easy way to support us,
729
00:37:51.159 --> 00:37:54.519
and it helps us reach more people like you. We're
730
00:37:54.559 --> 00:37:57.719
on a mission to build a stronger, more connected black community,
731
00:37:58.079 --> 00:38:01.639
starting with black men, and you can help us on
732
00:38:01.679 --> 00:38:04.679
that mission by taking a minute out of your day
733
00:38:04.719 --> 00:38:08.119
to leave a review. Your review helps us generate more listeners,
734
00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:11.639
which in turn generates more revenue, allowing us to expand
735
00:38:11.800 --> 00:38:16.679
the platform even further. So please take a few seconds
736
00:38:16.719 --> 00:38:19.920
out of your day. I know you're busy, I understand.
737
00:38:20.360 --> 00:38:22.000
I know you're doing a lot, but it will help
738
00:38:22.119 --> 00:38:24.079
us greatly if you just take a few seconds out
739
00:38:24.119 --> 00:38:27.079
of your day to leave a review. Right now, did
740
00:38:27.119 --> 00:38:29.199
you leave a review yet? All right, let's get back
741
00:38:29.199 --> 00:38:31.840
to the episode I want to tap into. You talked
742
00:38:31.840 --> 00:38:33.800
a little bit about your son. You also talked about
743
00:38:33.800 --> 00:38:39.079
going through divorce. I think those are It's such an
744
00:38:39.119 --> 00:38:41.559
interesting topic because you went through divorce at a very
745
00:38:41.599 --> 00:38:46.920
early age twenty two. What was that like for you?
746
00:38:49.000 --> 00:38:52.280
And then how did that shape like the rest of
747
00:38:52.320 --> 00:38:54.280
your twenties. You kind of touched on it a little bit,
748
00:38:54.559 --> 00:38:56.320
but I want you to kind of really tap into
749
00:38:56.360 --> 00:38:59.639
it because I think part of the people pleasing and
750
00:38:59.679 --> 00:39:02.159
stuff that you mentioned could be in there. But then
751
00:39:02.199 --> 00:39:05.079
you also said something that was really interested that I
752
00:39:05.079 --> 00:39:06.639
really want you to tap into too. I know I'm
753
00:39:06.639 --> 00:39:07.119
asking you so.
754
00:39:07.039 --> 00:39:08.400
Many questions in this one question.
755
00:39:08.920 --> 00:39:10.800
One of the things you said that was so interesting
756
00:39:10.960 --> 00:39:13.599
was you said you went through a post breakup we'll
757
00:39:13.639 --> 00:39:16.320
call it post divorce, like glow up. And that's when
758
00:39:16.360 --> 00:39:19.880
you said that's when I realized I was cute. So
759
00:39:19.880 --> 00:39:22.000
it's like, did you not feel cute in your in
760
00:39:22.039 --> 00:39:24.119
your marriage? Did you not feel cute before then? You
761
00:39:24.159 --> 00:39:26.599
know what I'm saying. Okay, yeah, so let's let's tap
762
00:39:26.639 --> 00:39:27.920
into yeah the whole.
763
00:39:27.920 --> 00:39:31.360
Yes, so I'm married. I can't really call him my
764
00:39:31.599 --> 00:39:36.559
college sweetheart because we met my senior year. I had
765
00:39:36.679 --> 00:39:40.519
just gotten out of a relationship that was like crazy,
766
00:39:40.519 --> 00:39:43.599
you should have never been in that. But yeah, this
767
00:39:43.719 --> 00:39:46.000
was kind of just like the first one of the
768
00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:49.880
first nice guys that I dated in college. And you know,
769
00:39:49.960 --> 00:39:53.000
in college, you you're closer to people because you see
770
00:39:53.039 --> 00:39:56.440
him more often. So we grew together pretty closely after
771
00:39:56.480 --> 00:40:01.239
we met, and we did get me. Yes, I was
772
00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:06.599
twenty two, and you know, not too long after, we
773
00:40:06.679 --> 00:40:10.039
had my son and so we were kind of learning
774
00:40:10.079 --> 00:40:13.880
how to be married and parents at the same time.
775
00:40:14.679 --> 00:40:17.480
And this is how you know I'm mature now, okay,
776
00:40:17.519 --> 00:40:20.679
because I think when you're going through heart stuff, you
777
00:40:20.760 --> 00:40:24.960
only focus on yourself. But I have grown to have
778
00:40:25.079 --> 00:40:27.679
compassion for what he was going through too at the time,
779
00:40:28.079 --> 00:40:31.360
because he was trying to work, also learn how to
780
00:40:31.400 --> 00:40:33.559
be a dad, also be a husband, and a provider.
781
00:40:34.440 --> 00:40:37.239
And that's a lot of pressure for somebody in their
782
00:40:37.239 --> 00:40:40.079
early twenties. That's a lot of pressure. That's a lot
783
00:40:40.119 --> 00:40:44.360
of pressure for somebody older. So yeah, for any man.
784
00:40:45.079 --> 00:40:48.000
And so I you know, I had to grow to
785
00:40:48.039 --> 00:40:50.599
a point and grow past the anger and the emotions
786
00:40:51.480 --> 00:40:53.559
to start to having compassion for that. But I think
787
00:40:53.599 --> 00:40:55.800
that's what's led to us having such a healthy co
788
00:40:55.920 --> 00:41:01.360
parenting relationship. Now I don't I stopped. Let me say that,
789
00:41:01.480 --> 00:41:04.519
I stopped putting my expectations for how he showed up
790
00:41:04.519 --> 00:41:07.480
as a father on him, and I let him show
791
00:41:07.599 --> 00:41:12.280
up as he can. And our son is seven. He
792
00:41:12.320 --> 00:41:16.280
loves me, he loves his father. I don't and refuse
793
00:41:16.360 --> 00:41:18.639
to bad mouse his father in front of him, regardless
794
00:41:18.679 --> 00:41:20.800
of how I feel about him or what we went through,
795
00:41:22.360 --> 00:41:26.360
because there's no like me. Making his father his enemy
796
00:41:27.039 --> 00:41:29.639
is not beneficial to his growth and development.
797
00:41:29.199 --> 00:41:31.800
As a child, and it's also not beneficial to you.
798
00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:36.159
It makes it harder, Yeah, it absolutely does.
799
00:41:36.440 --> 00:41:38.760
And I'm like, you know, co parenting is hard enough
800
00:41:38.760 --> 00:41:41.920
because when, especially with the younger children, I remember there
801
00:41:41.960 --> 00:41:44.199
was a stage where he would cry so bad when
802
00:41:44.239 --> 00:41:46.239
it was time for us to because we have a
803
00:41:46.280 --> 00:41:48.880
setup where his dad will take him on weekends because
804
00:41:48.920 --> 00:41:52.639
he works a lot, so he'll take him on weekends.
805
00:41:52.719 --> 00:41:54.679
And that was so hard for us at one point,
806
00:41:54.719 --> 00:41:56.239
like there were a lot of weekends I didn't get
807
00:41:56.280 --> 00:41:59.280
a break because he would just be crying so bad.
808
00:42:00.199 --> 00:42:02.559
One day, I was like, we're gonna work together because
809
00:42:02.639 --> 00:42:06.480
kids cry and I need a break because I was
810
00:42:06.519 --> 00:42:08.679
again going through school, trying to run the health care
811
00:42:08.679 --> 00:42:12.360
plug like I'm trying to do a lot. So like
812
00:42:12.559 --> 00:42:15.119
me feeling like I'm getting off one full time job
813
00:42:15.320 --> 00:42:18.000
to go into another full time job, which is parenting.
814
00:42:18.159 --> 00:42:22.239
It is full time. It was a lot, so we
815
00:42:22.360 --> 00:42:24.519
have to just get our schedule right, kind of overcome
816
00:42:24.639 --> 00:42:27.159
the tears and eventually, you know, your kids get strong,
817
00:42:27.199 --> 00:42:29.880
they learn how to be resilient, and it's just like
818
00:42:29.960 --> 00:42:31.599
you've just not got seen me for two days, but
819
00:42:31.719 --> 00:42:34.559
if you got Sunday, like everything's fine. But you know,
820
00:42:34.639 --> 00:42:38.719
we had to work together on that. But yeah, so
821
00:42:38.800 --> 00:42:42.360
we I think I had I took a lot of
822
00:42:42.400 --> 00:42:44.679
time in my twenties to heal because it wasn't just
823
00:42:44.760 --> 00:42:47.000
like a we sat down one day and came to
824
00:42:47.039 --> 00:42:49.360
an agreement to get a divorce. There was a lot
825
00:42:49.360 --> 00:42:54.320
of a lot of pain, a lot of arguments, and
826
00:42:54.559 --> 00:43:00.639
we did have to overcome infidelity as well, and I
827
00:43:00.679 --> 00:43:02.559
did not think that I would ever get through that pain,
828
00:43:02.679 --> 00:43:04.920
Like it seemed like it was a mountain at the time,
829
00:43:05.880 --> 00:43:09.679
but we did what we could. I have to forgive
830
00:43:09.719 --> 00:43:12.199
myself too. I felt so guilty, like I was giving
831
00:43:12.280 --> 00:43:15.039
up on my marriage. And that's another thing we can
832
00:43:15.119 --> 00:43:19.400
talk about one day, and about how I was going
833
00:43:19.440 --> 00:43:22.280
to a church and they did have like couples counseling
834
00:43:22.280 --> 00:43:25.400
and stuff like that, and it was just like sitting
835
00:43:25.639 --> 00:43:28.760
and at the time I probably was inspired by it,
836
00:43:28.800 --> 00:43:33.039
but like, sometimes, how do I want to say it?
837
00:43:34.519 --> 00:43:37.800
Sometimes I feel like as a Christian woman, I have
838
00:43:38.039 --> 00:43:43.480
witnessed the church tell women to stay and endure things
839
00:43:43.599 --> 00:43:45.320
that they do not have to stay and endure.
840
00:43:47.360 --> 00:43:52.000
They are gonna hate you, but I I really need
841
00:43:52.800 --> 00:43:53.320
It's okay.
842
00:43:53.480 --> 00:43:55.920
Yeah, And that's how I felt at the time. It
843
00:43:55.960 --> 00:43:59.239
was like I was rushing myself to forgive this man
844
00:43:59.320 --> 00:44:01.360
like number one. And I had to find out that
845
00:44:01.400 --> 00:44:05.039
I was cheated on. So that was a lot for me.
846
00:44:05.119 --> 00:44:07.320
Because I'm thinking about my health, I'm thinking about so
847
00:44:07.400 --> 00:44:10.719
many things. My mind is spinning and I was putting
848
00:44:10.760 --> 00:44:13.679
so much pressure on myself because of the forgive quickly,
849
00:44:13.719 --> 00:44:16.440
which that is in the Bible, but I was taking
850
00:44:16.480 --> 00:44:19.360
it so literally, like I need to just push my
851
00:44:19.480 --> 00:44:23.320
pain aside and just continue trying to move forward and
852
00:44:23.360 --> 00:44:25.760
be happy and be happy wife and all of this stuff.
853
00:44:26.159 --> 00:44:29.800
So I wasn't processing the pain, and so that came
854
00:44:29.840 --> 00:44:32.840
out in unhealthy ways down the line. It's like, I
855
00:44:32.880 --> 00:44:35.599
can't forgive you because I'm not taking the time that
856
00:44:35.679 --> 00:44:40.760
I need to, like process number one. But I do
857
00:44:40.800 --> 00:44:43.440
feel like even though it seemed like it was a
858
00:44:43.480 --> 00:44:46.639
helpful environment for us at the time, we were kind
859
00:44:46.639 --> 00:44:49.800
of just in a place where we were practicing things,
860
00:44:50.400 --> 00:44:53.519
practicing like healthy communication methods and stuff like that, Like
861
00:44:54.519 --> 00:44:57.119
the environment was great, but then when we got outside
862
00:44:57.119 --> 00:44:59.159
of it and we had to apply that stuff, we
863
00:44:59.159 --> 00:45:02.320
were worse enemies again. So I was just kind of like, Okay,
864
00:45:02.360 --> 00:45:05.159
we're not getting to the root of it. Nobody was
865
00:45:05.159 --> 00:45:08.480
sitting there talking about how to deal with those emotions,
866
00:45:08.519 --> 00:45:12.920
how to navigate how to navigate feelings when you get
867
00:45:12.960 --> 00:45:16.320
cheated on, Like how do you not hate the person?
868
00:45:16.440 --> 00:45:19.440
How do you not like want revenge or you know,
869
00:45:19.639 --> 00:45:24.119
like those are things that you do have to process,
870
00:45:24.159 --> 00:45:26.360
and I felt so betrayed. I was like, how am
871
00:45:26.360 --> 00:45:29.320
I supposed to stand up here and like practice communicating
872
00:45:29.320 --> 00:45:32.800
with somebody I don't even want to look at. And
873
00:45:33.199 --> 00:45:34.920
I don't know. I just felt like we were tipped
874
00:45:34.960 --> 00:45:37.239
on it. I felt like because I was just I
875
00:45:37.280 --> 00:45:39.760
stayed in that marriage longer than I should have because
876
00:45:40.159 --> 00:45:42.679
I didn't want to disappoint God. And I was like,
877
00:45:42.960 --> 00:45:44.840
then I got to a certain point and I had
878
00:45:44.840 --> 00:45:48.440
a conversation with a friend's mom who had gone through
879
00:45:48.440 --> 00:45:51.480
a divorce, and she was like, you know what God
880
00:45:51.559 --> 00:45:55.280
wants you being unhappy? Like do you think that this
881
00:45:55.440 --> 00:45:58.880
is really the life that he planned for you? Like,
882
00:45:58.920 --> 00:46:02.519
because I was in I was depressed for years and
883
00:46:02.599 --> 00:46:05.840
not just from that, just different struggles. But I do
884
00:46:05.920 --> 00:46:10.840
remember like being so embarrassed during one of my what
885
00:46:10.880 --> 00:46:13.320
do I want to call it? Not educational careers, but
886
00:46:13.440 --> 00:46:15.480
I was at one of doing one of my programs
887
00:46:16.079 --> 00:46:18.559
and I was just always crying, like every day, and
888
00:46:18.599 --> 00:46:20.599
I was like, I know, people are so tired of me,
889
00:46:20.719 --> 00:46:24.119
and they weren't. They were very loving, but I was
890
00:46:24.199 --> 00:46:27.800
just like, bruh, am I ever going to wake up happy?
891
00:46:28.679 --> 00:46:32.960
And I think that's when what led to my letting go.
892
00:46:33.079 --> 00:46:37.159
There was a couple events that happened. You know, Ultimately
893
00:46:37.239 --> 00:46:39.719
me and him were just not we weren't extending our
894
00:46:39.760 --> 00:46:42.079
alli branches at the same time, we didn't want to
895
00:46:42.119 --> 00:46:44.559
make it work at the same time. There's times I
896
00:46:44.599 --> 00:46:47.239
went to therapy sitting next to an empty chair, you know,
897
00:46:47.480 --> 00:46:50.280
talking to and like this is marriage counseling and out
898
00:46:50.280 --> 00:46:54.000
there by myself, so like, you know, we just I
899
00:46:54.039 --> 00:46:56.119
don't think that we want it anymore. Then the you
900
00:46:56.159 --> 00:46:59.920
know things started happening, and I was like, you know,
901
00:47:00.159 --> 00:47:04.679
I kind of used school actually to survive as a
902
00:47:05.159 --> 00:47:09.239
coving mechanism. Actually, yeah, I used it too. I was like, girl,
903
00:47:09.280 --> 00:47:12.360
you need to focus on something else. And I always
904
00:47:12.360 --> 00:47:14.920
had the goal of, you know, becoming a doctor one day,
905
00:47:15.760 --> 00:47:17.280
and so I was like, okay, I'm gonna go do
906
00:47:17.360 --> 00:47:19.039
this program. I'm gonna go to my post bag. And
907
00:47:19.079 --> 00:47:22.440
he actually discouraged me from doing the program after I
908
00:47:22.480 --> 00:47:27.000
got accepted because of I guess like because of money issues.
909
00:47:27.440 --> 00:47:29.239
And I was like, no, I'm going to go for it.
910
00:47:29.760 --> 00:47:32.559
And I'm glad I did because I actually ended up
911
00:47:32.599 --> 00:47:36.480
getting blessed by a friend's mom in that program. She
912
00:47:36.559 --> 00:47:40.000
paid for my whole last semester, And I'm like, if
913
00:47:40.039 --> 00:47:43.400
I would have been worried about of course, do things
914
00:47:43.440 --> 00:47:45.119
that you have money for, But if I would have
915
00:47:45.119 --> 00:47:48.480
been worried about that, then I feel like God wouldn't
916
00:47:48.480 --> 00:47:50.239
have been able to test my faith in that area
917
00:47:50.920 --> 00:47:54.000
and I wouldn't have had that huge blessing. So I
918
00:47:54.039 --> 00:47:56.239
am glad he found me along the way, for sure,
919
00:47:56.360 --> 00:47:58.360
Like I was doing crazy things that I could write
920
00:47:58.360 --> 00:48:02.119
a book about to get me through, for sure, But
921
00:48:02.320 --> 00:48:07.039
I think that, yeah, ultimately, once I was strong enough,
922
00:48:07.079 --> 00:48:09.440
I felt strong enough to walk away and like foul
923
00:48:09.559 --> 00:48:14.159
the papers, divorce paperwork is not short telling y'all people
924
00:48:14.199 --> 00:48:18.039
that want to get married please please do your best
925
00:48:18.079 --> 00:48:21.599
to marry the right person. And sometimes you can marry
926
00:48:21.639 --> 00:48:24.800
somebody and a different side of them comes out after.
927
00:48:24.880 --> 00:48:28.519
I'm very very aware of that. But yeah, it was
928
00:48:28.599 --> 00:48:32.719
ninety two pages we got through. It's longer when you
929
00:48:32.719 --> 00:48:33.679
have a kid with someone.
930
00:48:33.840 --> 00:48:34.800
Oh wow.
931
00:48:35.000 --> 00:48:39.960
So after I got through all them pages, yeah, we
932
00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:42.920
did like that amicable you know, signing and all that
933
00:48:42.960 --> 00:48:45.400
good stuff with the docs and and we had our
934
00:48:45.760 --> 00:48:50.639
date virtual thanks to the pandemic, and it was pretty simless.
935
00:48:51.320 --> 00:48:53.719
And then after that I know I talked about my
936
00:48:53.800 --> 00:48:56.239
post divorce to glow Up, And what I mean by
937
00:48:56.280 --> 00:49:01.840
that is like I did feel beautiful in that in
938
00:49:01.840 --> 00:49:04.440
that relationship. I didn't attach it to the person I
939
00:49:04.519 --> 00:49:07.119
was with. But again, remember when I said that I
940
00:49:07.199 --> 00:49:10.679
was centering men. So it's like I could have been
941
00:49:10.679 --> 00:49:13.400
doing things to you know how women just overtime they
942
00:49:13.400 --> 00:49:15.960
start looking more mature. They might dress better, they might
943
00:49:16.039 --> 00:49:18.400
put a little bit more time into doing their hair
944
00:49:18.440 --> 00:49:22.159
and makeup, stuff like that, Like what you see before you.
945
00:49:22.639 --> 00:49:25.079
This is just not who I was ten years ago.
946
00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:27.719
I didn't care about that stuff.
947
00:49:29.599 --> 00:49:29.880
I did.
948
00:49:31.559 --> 00:49:35.320
No like I still dressed, but it was like I
949
00:49:35.360 --> 00:49:38.239
could have cared a little bit more, like like the
950
00:49:38.280 --> 00:49:40.599
outfit of the day, girlies and stuff like that. I
951
00:49:40.719 --> 00:49:43.559
just I really wanted to step into like being a
952
00:49:43.599 --> 00:49:47.079
woman and making myself look more mature and more attractive.
953
00:49:47.079 --> 00:49:49.840
And I just I was so caught up on like
954
00:49:50.920 --> 00:49:53.639
being a great wife and like serving that I just
955
00:49:53.719 --> 00:49:57.559
kind of like I lost sight of taking care of myself. Yeah,
956
00:49:57.599 --> 00:49:59.519
like what do I like? It took me so long
957
00:49:59.559 --> 00:50:03.000
to learn what I liked. I could not tell you
958
00:50:03.039 --> 00:50:06.119
I didn't have any hobbies. I didn't know any of
959
00:50:06.119 --> 00:50:08.880
that stuff like now I can list off a million things.
960
00:50:09.280 --> 00:50:14.880
At the time, I'm a mom. That's how I introduced myself.
961
00:50:14.920 --> 00:50:18.039
I'm a wife and a mom, and I didn't have
962
00:50:18.119 --> 00:50:20.079
other things that I was doing. Now I work out,
963
00:50:20.480 --> 00:50:22.400
I shop, I hang with my friends. Like you know,
964
00:50:22.480 --> 00:50:25.199
there's just like different things that I do. First of all,
965
00:50:25.960 --> 00:50:30.360
I read, do research and write, so just different things
966
00:50:30.400 --> 00:50:33.760
like that. Yeah, I know, there was a lot gave
967
00:50:33.800 --> 00:50:35.079
you the co parenting and.
968
00:50:35.079 --> 00:50:37.039
The no no, no, no, you gave me a lot. You
969
00:50:37.079 --> 00:50:39.079
gave me a lot. But that I like that because
970
00:50:39.079 --> 00:50:41.440
it gives me so many different directions to take the conversation.
971
00:50:41.880 --> 00:50:43.360
One of the things I've been thinking about as you've
972
00:50:43.360 --> 00:50:45.800
been talking is I realized your attachment style. I think
973
00:50:45.920 --> 00:50:52.320
for sure, Oh you know your attachment style I believe, yeah,
974
00:50:52.360 --> 00:50:53.519
but don't tell me if you know.
975
00:50:53.480 --> 00:50:57.199
It securely attached. And then what's the last one.
976
00:50:57.239 --> 00:50:59.719
There's anxious and it's disorganized.
977
00:50:59.559 --> 00:51:03.079
Anxious, there's four yeah, four, oh my god, okay, secure
978
00:51:03.199 --> 00:51:04.199
the last version of.
979
00:51:05.000 --> 00:51:07.760
Just three yeah, maybe yeah, maybe, I don't know. But
980
00:51:07.800 --> 00:51:11.159
there's secure, which is healthy. There's avoidant, which is an
981
00:51:11.280 --> 00:51:14.039
unhealthy one, which is more so I'm gonna give a
982
00:51:14.159 --> 00:51:17.320
quick attachment style one on one right, So secure is
983
00:51:17.320 --> 00:51:20.400
healthy or comfortable with both intimacy and individuality. This is
984
00:51:20.400 --> 00:51:23.159
how I explain attachment styles. There's two aspects of it,
985
00:51:23.280 --> 00:51:27.800
intimacy being close with somebody else and individuality being alone right,
986
00:51:28.280 --> 00:51:31.960
being to yourself. And if you're if you have an
987
00:51:32.000 --> 00:51:34.400
unhealthy attachment style, you struggle with one of those two
988
00:51:34.440 --> 00:51:37.880
aspects or both. When you're secure, you're comfortable with both
989
00:51:37.880 --> 00:51:39.920
of those aspects. Whenever I say this, I know people
990
00:51:39.960 --> 00:51:41.920
are like, oh, I'm comfortable being intimate with people and
991
00:51:41.960 --> 00:51:44.320
I'm comfortable being by myself, So I should be secure,
992
00:51:44.320 --> 00:51:48.880
and you're most likely not right. So anxious is uncomfortable
993
00:51:49.039 --> 00:51:54.039
with individuality, but comfortable with intimacy. Right. I want to
994
00:51:54.079 --> 00:51:56.400
be near you, I want to be in a relationship.
995
00:51:56.440 --> 00:51:58.280
I don't want to be single. I don't want to
996
00:51:58.320 --> 00:52:00.440
be alone. So when I hear you talk about all
997
00:52:00.480 --> 00:52:03.599
the things, I definitely think you're anxious or we're anxious
998
00:52:03.679 --> 00:52:06.519
or anxiously attached, because that's something that I struggle with
999
00:52:06.519 --> 00:52:09.400
a lot. Avoidant is the opposite of anxious, which is
1000
00:52:09.440 --> 00:52:13.599
more so I'm comfortable being in my individuality. I'm uncomfortable
1001
00:52:13.599 --> 00:52:16.079
with intimacy. I don't actually want to be close to
1002
00:52:16.119 --> 00:52:18.559
people because anytime I get close to someone, I feel
1003
00:52:18.559 --> 00:52:20.199
like they hurt me. So I actually want to be
1004
00:52:20.239 --> 00:52:22.800
by myself. And a lot of times what you'll see
1005
00:52:22.800 --> 00:52:25.360
in relationships is you'll see somebody that's anxiously attached to
1006
00:52:25.360 --> 00:52:28.480
getting with somebody that's an avoidant because they're replaying the
1007
00:52:28.599 --> 00:52:31.840
dynamic from childhood. Then you have this organized which is
1008
00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:36.920
basically uncomfortable with both. Right, So regardless of whether you're
1009
00:52:37.199 --> 00:52:41.360
intimate with the person or being your own individuality, they
1010
00:52:41.400 --> 00:52:45.199
have like this state where they're always kind of like
1011
00:52:45.440 --> 00:52:49.400
overthinking things, right, So they're like, man, I feel like
1012
00:52:49.440 --> 00:52:52.800
I'm being too much to myself. Let me get closer
1013
00:52:52.840 --> 00:52:55.400
to that person. Then when they get close, they're like, damn,
1014
00:52:55.400 --> 00:52:57.800
I think I'm being too clean. Let me get back
1015
00:52:57.840 --> 00:53:01.119
to being to myself. So they're always tugging and fighting
1016
00:53:01.119 --> 00:53:03.039
and all that kind of stuff so with themselves. So
1017
00:53:03.360 --> 00:53:04.880
just saying all that to say, like, I think you're
1018
00:53:04.960 --> 00:53:07.760
attachment style is probably anxious. If you guys don't know
1019
00:53:07.800 --> 00:53:10.199
your attachment styles, definitely tap into it. I think it's
1020
00:53:10.280 --> 00:53:12.559
very very helpful for relationships just in general, just to
1021
00:53:12.639 --> 00:53:14.760
understand yourself. It's one of the things that really helped
1022
00:53:14.800 --> 00:53:17.880
me to understand why I did certain things in my
1023
00:53:17.960 --> 00:53:22.000
past relationship, why I stayed when I noticed red flags,
1024
00:53:22.000 --> 00:53:25.239
why I just did ignored them completely? You know, So
1025
00:53:25.880 --> 00:53:28.440
justify right and justify you know what I'm saying. Yeah,
1026
00:53:28.519 --> 00:53:31.440
like just being in Like I always say this, but
1027
00:53:31.480 --> 00:53:33.559
I think it's so important, bro, Like stop getting in
1028
00:53:33.639 --> 00:53:37.000
relationships with people based on their potential. Like it's just
1029
00:53:37.119 --> 00:53:41.199
not like I understand everybody has room to grow and
1030
00:53:41.239 --> 00:53:43.280
there's things that you can see for them, But if
1031
00:53:43.320 --> 00:53:46.840
they don't see that stuff for themselves, you're again you're
1032
00:53:46.960 --> 00:53:50.280
pulling them into something that they're not walking into. You
1033
00:53:50.280 --> 00:53:52.159
know what I'm saying. It's so good, And that's when
1034
00:53:52.199 --> 00:53:54.679
you guys are going to be in friction, right, You're
1035
00:53:54.719 --> 00:53:57.199
going to be in friction because you have a different
1036
00:53:57.280 --> 00:54:00.320
vision for them than they have for themselves. Yes, there's
1037
00:54:00.360 --> 00:54:03.119
gonna be a different vision as a result for the
1038
00:54:03.199 --> 00:54:06.360
relationship than they have for the relationship. You guys are
1039
00:54:06.400 --> 00:54:09.199
gonna always be in friction. It's just not gonna work.
1040
00:54:09.239 --> 00:54:11.440
So if this is a woman that has a man,
1041
00:54:12.039 --> 00:54:15.800
released that man to whoever his wife is or husband,
1042
00:54:15.880 --> 00:54:17.559
or whatever the case may be. Right, this is a
1043
00:54:17.559 --> 00:54:20.199
man that has a woman released that woman because it's
1044
00:54:20.239 --> 00:54:22.360
just not gonna work out with you guys being in
1045
00:54:22.480 --> 00:54:25.920
friction with each other over the things that you see
1046
00:54:26.079 --> 00:54:29.079
that they don't necessarily see for themselves or the relationship.
1047
00:54:29.159 --> 00:54:30.880
So that's the word that I.
1048
00:54:31.199 --> 00:54:34.840
Get some disclaimers in there. It's like I'm like visualizing
1049
00:54:34.920 --> 00:54:35.880
the comments that can come.
1050
00:54:35.960 --> 00:54:39.159
Oh for sure, yeah, I don't care.
1051
00:54:40.119 --> 00:54:42.239
But at the same time, I feel like people just
1052
00:54:42.320 --> 00:54:45.519
choose sometimes to just be dense, oh, because that's easier,
1053
00:54:45.519 --> 00:54:47.719
that's more easy to just say part of the fact
1054
00:54:47.840 --> 00:54:49.760
check and do work, which we kind of learned from
1055
00:54:49.760 --> 00:54:51.679
the debate last night. We're not going to get into that,
1056
00:54:53.320 --> 00:54:57.119
but we're not talking about not being able to love
1057
00:54:57.159 --> 00:55:00.000
someone where they are, because you're doing that anyway. Everybody
1058
00:55:00.119 --> 00:55:02.440
has potential. When you choose to be in a relationship
1059
00:55:02.440 --> 00:55:05.320
with someone or date, then you are loving them where
1060
00:55:05.360 --> 00:55:08.679
they are. When you get to that point, you're accepting
1061
00:55:08.719 --> 00:55:12.360
them for who they are, hopefully. But I do think
1062
00:55:12.400 --> 00:55:16.159
there are times where you know people should be taking
1063
00:55:16.239 --> 00:55:19.119
time to be single them single seasons that I told
1064
00:55:19.159 --> 00:55:22.199
you even I knew I should have had earlier in
1065
00:55:22.239 --> 00:55:27.719
my twenties mid twenties to do that inner work, because
1066
00:55:27.760 --> 00:55:30.719
otherwise it's like sometimes where you're not where you're you
1067
00:55:30.760 --> 00:55:33.679
want to be personally to where you have reached a
1068
00:55:33.760 --> 00:55:38.119
healthy space, a healthy place. To then interact with somebody
1069
00:55:38.159 --> 00:55:41.320
else on a romantic level, you're like punishing that person.
1070
00:55:41.440 --> 00:55:45.199
They're having to deal with the not remnants. But what
1071
00:55:45.440 --> 00:55:48.840
is it they have to deal with the I don't
1072
00:55:48.840 --> 00:55:50.760
want to call it, I don't want to say consequences,
1073
00:55:50.800 --> 00:55:53.880
but I guess so the consequences for lack of better words,
1074
00:55:53.920 --> 00:55:56.639
of you not putting in the work that you personally need.
1075
00:55:56.800 --> 00:55:59.239
So then like, then if you're with somebody like me
1076
00:55:59.360 --> 00:56:03.440
that was over giving, overly compensating, like I'm going to
1077
00:56:03.440 --> 00:56:06.599
be working harder. So it's like I'm doing my work
1078
00:56:06.760 --> 00:56:09.760
and our work in your work. And that's a lot
1079
00:56:09.800 --> 00:56:12.400
of the reason why I was exhausted in past relationships.
1080
00:56:12.400 --> 00:56:15.239
So I'm like, no, actually, let me focus on my
1081
00:56:15.400 --> 00:56:18.840
work that I need to personally do and our work
1082
00:56:18.880 --> 00:56:21.239
when we come together and you know, we work on
1083
00:56:21.280 --> 00:56:24.559
our partnership and fine tune that area, and then if
1084
00:56:24.599 --> 00:56:27.960
you need me, if my cup, let's start there. My
1085
00:56:28.079 --> 00:56:31.800
cup has to be full for someone what runs over
1086
00:56:32.719 --> 00:56:35.079
benefits of the people around me that I love that
1087
00:56:35.119 --> 00:56:38.119
are in my circle. So my cup has to be
1088
00:56:38.159 --> 00:56:41.159
full Number one. I cannot give you anything if I'm depleted.
1089
00:56:41.760 --> 00:56:44.880
But a lot of times I was literally betraying myself
1090
00:56:44.880 --> 00:56:48.280
in the past because I knew I was neglecting myself.
1091
00:56:49.360 --> 00:56:51.320
So all I was focused on was more of like
1092
00:56:51.360 --> 00:56:55.079
the our work in the their work. Yeah, but that's
1093
00:56:55.079 --> 00:56:57.239
where you have to be self aware, and you have
1094
00:56:57.320 --> 00:56:59.559
to be you have to hold yourself accountable even if
1095
00:56:59.599 --> 00:57:02.400
you don't have people around you holding you accountable, because
1096
00:57:02.440 --> 00:57:05.960
that could be your kryptonite right there. The people hate
1097
00:57:06.000 --> 00:57:09.119
accountability as much as they hate talking about submission, so
1098
00:57:09.119 --> 00:57:14.559
we're not gonna bring that up. But whoa yeah, yeah,
1099
00:57:14.639 --> 00:57:16.400
yeah man, accountability.
1100
00:57:16.440 --> 00:57:18.239
Accountability is so key man.
1101
00:57:19.000 --> 00:57:21.679
You have to hold yourself accountable. Yeah, you have to
1102
00:57:21.880 --> 00:57:24.880
hold yourself accountable. That is your responsibility as an adult,
1103
00:57:25.000 --> 00:57:25.719
you really do.
1104
00:57:25.920 --> 00:57:28.039
One of the things that that reminds me of is
1105
00:57:28.239 --> 00:57:33.199
after I got cheated on, right, one of the difficult
1106
00:57:33.199 --> 00:57:36.199
things that I had to do was realize what role
1107
00:57:36.280 --> 00:57:39.039
did I play in the relationship ending? Because it's so
1108
00:57:39.199 --> 00:57:41.760
easy when something happens like that, you get cheated on.
1109
00:57:41.760 --> 00:57:43.320
It's so easy to say, well, I didn't play any
1110
00:57:43.400 --> 00:57:47.559
role they cheated on me. There, They're terrible. They're a
1111
00:57:47.639 --> 00:57:50.360
terrible person. You know, they should have never did that.
1112
00:57:50.400 --> 00:57:51.960
And that's why I was for a little bit right.
1113
00:57:52.719 --> 00:57:55.719
But I had to get to a point where I realized, like, no,
1114
00:57:55.920 --> 00:57:58.079
there were some things that you did in this relationship,
1115
00:57:58.159 --> 00:58:00.320
or something that you did in your past, or something
1116
00:58:00.360 --> 00:58:03.320
that you didn't do that led to this result. Not
1117
00:58:03.519 --> 00:58:06.079
blaming myself for the fact that I got you tod on,
1118
00:58:06.239 --> 00:58:10.400
but also acknowledging, like, Yo, you did some things, or
1119
00:58:10.440 --> 00:58:12.679
you ignored some things, or you didn't do some things
1120
00:58:12.719 --> 00:58:14.800
that led to this. So what were those things?
1121
00:58:14.840 --> 00:58:16.719
And it's usually in the beginning, right.
1122
00:58:16.559 --> 00:58:19.079
What were those things? Right, in the beginning of the relationship?
1123
00:58:19.079 --> 00:58:23.960
You noticed, Yo, this person actually isn't really the most
1124
00:58:24.000 --> 00:58:28.519
caring and compassionate. They actually don't really want to have kids,
1125
00:58:28.880 --> 00:58:32.039
they don't really want to get married. They are not
1126
00:58:32.280 --> 00:58:34.760
necessarily on the same page with you, and where in
1127
00:58:34.840 --> 00:58:36.760
terms of where you guys want to move, you know
1128
00:58:36.800 --> 00:58:40.079
what I'm saying, So like you ignored those things? Why
1129
00:58:40.800 --> 00:58:44.079
And just simply asking the question why made me realize, like, yo,
1130
00:58:44.159 --> 00:58:46.000
these are things I gotta I have to hold myself
1131
00:58:46.039 --> 00:58:51.679
accountable for this, Like I just chose not to have
1132
00:58:51.800 --> 00:58:54.559
conversations about stuff that I knew would lead to certain
1133
00:58:54.639 --> 00:59:01.800
types of debates. I would literally, I would literally ignore
1134
00:59:01.960 --> 00:59:05.519
conversations about big things that we had to plan for.
1135
00:59:06.039 --> 00:59:08.079
That's when I knew I had a problem, but I
1136
00:59:08.159 --> 00:59:10.400
just ignored that as well. I'd be like, well, I
1137
00:59:10.400 --> 00:59:13.960
mean to talk about it, do you think right? Because
1138
00:59:14.000 --> 00:59:19.519
I knew if I I'm so interested, I'm a rational person.
1139
00:59:19.559 --> 00:59:22.519
Once I have information, I cannot move as if I
1140
00:59:22.519 --> 00:59:26.199
don't have that information right, And so I didn't want
1141
00:59:26.199 --> 00:59:28.800
to have the conversation too many times because having the
1142
00:59:28.840 --> 00:59:32.239
conversation over and over would let me realize that this
1143
00:59:32.320 --> 00:59:34.480
isn't working, and then that would that would mean I
1144
00:59:34.519 --> 00:59:37.400
would have to actually make a decision to end the relationship,
1145
00:59:37.760 --> 00:59:40.119
and I didn't want to end the relationship. So as
1146
00:59:40.119 --> 00:59:42.800
a result, I didn't have the conversations that I needed
1147
00:59:42.800 --> 00:59:45.360
to have because I felt like, if I continue to
1148
00:59:45.400 --> 00:59:47.199
have this conversation, I'm going to continue to get the
1149
00:59:47.239 --> 00:59:49.719
same answer, and then that's going to make me realize
1150
00:59:49.840 --> 00:59:52.519
I have to move and do and do something rather
1151
00:59:52.559 --> 00:59:56.760
than me putting all the ons and responsibility and accountability
1152
00:59:57.000 --> 00:59:59.559
on them, you get what I'm saying. So it was
1153
00:59:59.679 --> 01:00:02.679
easy to just say we're not going to even talk
1154
01:00:02.719 --> 01:00:05.320
about it, yeah, and waste two years of my life
1155
01:00:05.440 --> 01:00:08.760
than to have the difficult conversation early on and make
1156
01:00:08.800 --> 01:00:11.039
the decision like, you know what, this isn't for me.
1157
01:00:11.679 --> 01:00:14.280
And there are so many people both men and women,
1158
01:00:14.679 --> 01:00:18.119
that get into a relationship and they know this thing
1159
01:00:18.320 --> 01:00:21.840
isn't necessarily for me. But I'm not gonna have that
1160
01:00:21.880 --> 01:00:25.079
conversation because damn, I love where I'm at right now
1161
01:00:25.239 --> 01:00:29.239
and it feels good. I'm comfortable where I'm at right now,
1162
01:00:29.280 --> 01:00:32.559
So I don't want to have the uncomfortable conversation about
1163
01:00:32.599 --> 01:00:37.079
the future, planning, about marriage, about kids, about where we're going,
1164
01:00:37.199 --> 01:00:40.800
because that's just going to ruin the la la land.
1165
01:00:40.639 --> 01:00:43.039
That I'm getting, Yeah, the fantasy.
1166
01:00:42.760 --> 01:00:44.559
Right, that's going to ruin the la la land that
1167
01:00:44.599 --> 01:00:46.559
I have in my head. But what I realized like
1168
01:00:46.920 --> 01:00:54.039
now is you're ruining your future by not having these
1169
01:00:54.079 --> 01:00:58.280
conversations early, right, by not getting the information that you
1170
01:00:58.400 --> 01:01:01.800
need to be able to make conscious decision right, Like
1171
01:01:02.280 --> 01:01:05.400
don't just sit on the roller coaster and just let
1172
01:01:05.440 --> 01:01:09.639
it take you wherever. You have to actually be part
1173
01:01:09.760 --> 01:01:12.639
of that process of Like, Yo, this is where I'm
1174
01:01:12.639 --> 01:01:14.480
thinking about going. What do you think about this? Like
1175
01:01:14.719 --> 01:01:16.679
this is what I wanna do? Like where are you
1176
01:01:16.800 --> 01:01:18.280
trying to go on? Like how does that fit in?
1177
01:01:18.360 --> 01:01:20.519
Because if you don't have that data, you're gonna be
1178
01:01:20.559 --> 01:01:23.400
spending months, years, and an eventually you're gonna get it
1179
01:01:23.440 --> 01:01:25.480
and you're gonna realize if I had this earlier, I
1180
01:01:25.480 --> 01:01:27.559
could have been able to move and do this. I'm
1181
01:01:27.599 --> 01:01:31.280
all about not wasting time. Time is the most valuable
1182
01:01:31.320 --> 01:01:34.400
resource or earth. You never get it back, you can't
1183
01:01:34.440 --> 01:01:38.800
reproduce it, you cannot get it back at all. I'm
1184
01:01:38.840 --> 01:01:41.079
all about not wasting time. So if you think I'm
1185
01:01:41.079 --> 01:01:43.679
about to be wasting my time in any type of
1186
01:01:43.679 --> 01:01:47.039
relationship or situation, especially with any type of any type
1187
01:01:47.039 --> 01:01:50.440
of thing, like I don't. I just I'm not for that.
1188
01:01:51.039 --> 01:01:55.880
Even with business now, like people it's man, oh my god,
1189
01:01:55.880 --> 01:01:58.000
people come on to me because they see the platform.
1190
01:01:58.199 --> 01:01:59.760
I'm going on a tangent. But I just have to
1191
01:02:00.280 --> 01:02:03.920
I can already tell yo, man, Like I'll go to
1192
01:02:03.960 --> 01:02:05.559
an event and then people will try to talk to
1193
01:02:05.599 --> 01:02:07.000
me after the event. Y'all, I got this thing. I
1194
01:02:07.119 --> 01:02:09.039
want to collaborate, you know, do this thing and do that.
1195
01:02:09.920 --> 01:02:12.480
And I'm trying to cut straight through. I don't have
1196
01:02:12.559 --> 01:02:14.599
time for like the cookie cutter, Like, don't give me
1197
01:02:14.639 --> 01:02:16.440
the fluff what you're trying? What are you actually trying
1198
01:02:16.480 --> 01:02:18.199
to do? Do you have a budget for this thing?
1199
01:02:18.280 --> 01:02:19.519
Or you don't have a budget for this thing? You
1200
01:02:19.519 --> 01:02:21.719
want me to pull up for free? Like, let's get there,
1201
01:02:21.760 --> 01:02:24.119
Like I'm not even trying, like and it may seem
1202
01:02:24.239 --> 01:02:26.400
rude or like, you know what I'm saying, but I
1203
01:02:26.400 --> 01:02:29.599
don't have time to be doing three thirty minute meetings
1204
01:02:29.639 --> 01:02:31.880
over the course of three weeks just to get to
1205
01:02:31.960 --> 01:02:34.199
the answer that I'm looking for, which is you don't
1206
01:02:34.239 --> 01:02:36.079
have bread for this thing, you're trying to do it
1207
01:02:36.119 --> 01:02:39.800
for free, and we could potentially make that happen, right, Like,
1208
01:02:39.920 --> 01:02:42.440
let's just have that conversation up front. I don't want
1209
01:02:42.440 --> 01:02:43.159
to waste time.
1210
01:02:43.599 --> 01:02:46.079
I'm in a place I'm gonna tell you in my life,
1211
01:02:46.559 --> 01:02:48.440
like you need to come to me with the proposal.
1212
01:02:49.719 --> 01:02:51.519
No, absolutely come to me.
1213
01:02:51.599 --> 01:02:54.480
With the proposal, because that's how I approach when I
1214
01:02:54.519 --> 01:02:57.119
go to people, even our first club. Yeah, I said,
1215
01:02:57.159 --> 01:02:59.159
I'm thinking about this date. This is what I wanted
1216
01:02:59.199 --> 01:03:02.480
to look like you think, and then from there you
1217
01:03:02.559 --> 01:03:04.679
got to give me something. But if we still, if
1218
01:03:04.679 --> 01:03:06.800
we have to you inviting me to the drawing board,
1219
01:03:07.039 --> 01:03:10.599
I'm not interested because I have too many things going on.
1220
01:03:10.679 --> 01:03:13.480
And it's not that I think I'm above anybody. It's
1221
01:03:13.519 --> 01:03:17.760
not that. But I value my time and I value
1222
01:03:17.480 --> 01:03:21.519
my ideas and my work ethic I know is strong,
1223
01:03:22.000 --> 01:03:24.119
so I know when you come to me with the idea,
1224
01:03:24.159 --> 01:03:26.639
we can make it happen if it's realistic. But I'm
1225
01:03:26.719 --> 01:03:29.199
like you, and even if we start planning, if it
1226
01:03:29.239 --> 01:03:32.800
doesn't look realistic for that time being, postpone or scrap
1227
01:03:32.840 --> 01:03:34.880
it all together. But I'm in a place where i'm
1228
01:03:34.920 --> 01:03:38.400
still just like that. If I go to anybody, I
1229
01:03:38.440 --> 01:03:41.480
approach someone not too long ago about a frequinic, I
1230
01:03:41.519 --> 01:03:43.480
didn't just go up to them and say, hey, I'm
1231
01:03:43.480 --> 01:03:45.880
thinking about doing this thing. Like no, I had a
1232
01:03:46.000 --> 01:03:50.119
multi page proposal trying to anticipate the questions they would ask,
1233
01:03:50.519 --> 01:03:54.000
like the budget. That's important. You can't just tell somebody, hey,
1234
01:03:54.039 --> 01:03:56.360
I want to use your property for something and then
1235
01:03:56.440 --> 01:03:58.639
not talk about all the costs that come when operating
1236
01:03:58.719 --> 01:04:02.119
something like that, it's crazy, right, So even just to
1237
01:04:02.239 --> 01:04:04.800
peak their interests or get them, I think we also
1238
01:04:04.880 --> 01:04:06.760
need to start thinking about it from that perspective, Like,
1239
01:04:06.800 --> 01:04:10.000
if you go to any investor wanting their money, you're
1240
01:04:10.000 --> 01:04:11.800
going to have to convince them. And one thing you
1241
01:04:11.800 --> 01:04:13.480
don't want to do is show up unprepared.
1242
01:04:14.159 --> 01:04:14.599
Exactly.
1243
01:04:14.599 --> 01:04:19.400
You can't. You know, you can't have mind reading powers
1244
01:04:19.440 --> 01:04:23.400
and know and anticipate every question they'll ask. Some things
1245
01:04:23.440 --> 01:04:24.960
may trip you up in the moment, and you can
1246
01:04:25.000 --> 01:04:26.719
admit that, you can be like, that's not something I've
1247
01:04:26.719 --> 01:04:29.639
thought about at the time, But going to waste that
1248
01:04:29.679 --> 01:04:31.360
person's time is going to put a bad taste in
1249
01:04:31.360 --> 01:04:33.519
their mouth about you, and then they're going to start
1250
01:04:33.559 --> 01:04:35.840
thinking that that's how you do business. Yeah, and you
1251
01:04:35.880 --> 01:04:38.440
lose out on opportunities that way, I can feel it.
1252
01:04:38.519 --> 01:04:41.360
I can quickly cut through the bullshit, yeah so quickly.
1253
01:04:41.440 --> 01:04:43.400
Now before I wasn't able to because people will tell
1254
01:04:43.440 --> 01:04:45.440
you the story that you start believing it. And I
1255
01:04:45.480 --> 01:04:47.679
was really younger in business. I think I've matured a
1256
01:04:47.679 --> 01:04:51.800
lot when it comes to business now, absolutely absolutely, so
1257
01:04:51.880 --> 01:04:54.639
I can really quickly cut through people's bullshit like I was.
1258
01:04:54.760 --> 01:04:57.559
I just I can listen to somebody talking and know
1259
01:04:57.800 --> 01:05:01.039
automatically this person has no direction for this thing at all.
1260
01:05:01.920 --> 01:05:06.360
And I can tell just equally when somebody is working
1261
01:05:06.400 --> 01:05:08.280
on something and they have the passion for it, and
1262
01:05:08.320 --> 01:05:10.159
that I can also work with you. Like if you
1263
01:05:10.159 --> 01:05:12.639
have the passion for it and you're and you're working
1264
01:05:12.679 --> 01:05:14.199
on it and you don't have all the details figured
1265
01:05:14.280 --> 01:05:16.119
out yet, we can work there. But don't pull up
1266
01:05:16.119 --> 01:05:18.400
on me, like, y'all, I love what you're doing. Let's collab.
1267
01:05:18.639 --> 01:05:20.400
Let's collab on what?
1268
01:05:21.760 --> 01:05:26.119
But what do you mean there's so many collabor about
1269
01:05:25.000 --> 01:05:26.480
you want to work.
1270
01:05:26.559 --> 01:05:29.079
You have to be more careful, Like I'm talking directly
1271
01:05:29.119 --> 01:05:31.360
to you, but you have to be more careful now
1272
01:05:31.440 --> 01:05:34.559
more than every because I think the last time, I
1273
01:05:34.599 --> 01:05:37.760
don't even remember how many followers your platform when I
1274
01:05:37.800 --> 01:05:39.559
initially came up to you, but even when we did
1275
01:05:39.639 --> 01:05:42.239
the podcast, I don't know if it was a year
1276
01:05:42.280 --> 01:05:42.480
or too.
1277
01:05:42.480 --> 01:05:46.280
It was like two years ago, honestly, Yeah.
1278
01:05:45.239 --> 01:05:49.400
Even why you were oh it's fine, but just to
1279
01:05:49.440 --> 01:05:51.559
see your growth, I think the last number I remember
1280
01:05:51.679 --> 01:05:54.079
was like fifty six khah and the fact that you
1281
01:05:54.119 --> 01:05:57.480
are well over two hundred k. Number one I said this,
1282
01:05:57.480 --> 01:05:59.159
this morning, I rehearsed this in my brain that I
1283
01:05:59.280 --> 01:06:01.440
was gonna give you a f I appreciate it because
1284
01:06:01.440 --> 01:06:06.760
your consistency is admirable for real, Like, even if you
1285
01:06:06.840 --> 01:06:08.880
take breaks, it don't look like you take breaks.
1286
01:06:09.559 --> 01:06:11.519
I know you do.
1287
01:06:11.760 --> 01:06:14.800
Like I know because we've been talking behind the scenes,
1288
01:06:14.840 --> 01:06:17.519
but I know that you have your stuff cued up,
1289
01:06:17.559 --> 01:06:20.360
you have you ready to go. It's relevant, like it
1290
01:06:20.480 --> 01:06:24.000
just does not stop. And that's definitely now that I'm
1291
01:06:24.079 --> 01:06:26.800
like not doing a million things, I'm like, okay, let
1292
01:06:26.800 --> 01:06:28.440
me look at the people that are doing it well.
1293
01:06:29.480 --> 01:06:32.280
And those are people I'm proud to be Besides sire,
1294
01:06:32.519 --> 01:06:34.519
I said, I was going to give your flowers because
1295
01:06:35.039 --> 01:06:38.679
this is organic growth. This ain't let me buy some followers.
1296
01:06:38.880 --> 01:06:43.000
Never you have an organic following that is continuing to grow.
1297
01:06:43.079 --> 01:06:44.559
And I'm like, bro, I can't wait till you hit
1298
01:06:44.599 --> 01:06:49.199
a MILLI so obnoxious because what it is right around
1299
01:06:49.199 --> 01:06:54.079
the corner you are growing exponentially. But it's because number one,
1300
01:06:54.079 --> 01:06:56.480
there's nothing like this. I don't care what nobody saying.
1301
01:06:57.239 --> 01:06:58.800
They can hop in the comments if they want to.
1302
01:06:59.440 --> 01:07:03.079
There's no platform like this. There's just no platform like
1303
01:07:03.119 --> 01:07:07.320
this that I've seen. And there's so many unique things,
1304
01:07:07.360 --> 01:07:09.679
but all the content you put out is relevant. We
1305
01:07:09.719 --> 01:07:14.159
are having tough combos, we're talking about every thing. The
1306
01:07:14.199 --> 01:07:16.400
fact that you're still thinking of topics to talk about.
1307
01:07:17.119 --> 01:07:20.039
But that's how that's how much number one, in the
1308
01:07:20.039 --> 01:07:23.679
black community, we don't talk. We spend a lot of
1309
01:07:23.679 --> 01:07:24.559
time talking about the.
1310
01:07:24.480 --> 01:07:26.280
Wrong thing we do.
1311
01:07:26.360 --> 01:07:30.559
But that's what makes me appreciate the platforms that publish
1312
01:07:30.719 --> 01:07:34.480
meaningful content all the time. Like the subject matter that
1313
01:07:34.519 --> 01:07:37.039
we actually need to be talking about, like co parenting,
1314
01:07:37.440 --> 01:07:39.159
what does that look like? What does it look like?
1315
01:07:39.239 --> 01:07:42.880
Attachment styles that's not widely known. Some people may not
1316
01:07:42.920 --> 01:07:45.639
even know there's a book on that. So there's a
1317
01:07:45.679 --> 01:07:47.559
workbook too, Like you can sit there, you can do
1318
01:07:47.599 --> 01:07:49.559
the work and it doesn't have to feel like homework.
1319
01:07:49.599 --> 01:07:52.239
You're just getting to know yourself. So like these are
1320
01:07:52.320 --> 01:07:56.000
just teachable moments while you're also being vulnerable and we're
1321
01:07:56.039 --> 01:07:58.800
not teaching or talking at anybody, Like this is stuff
1322
01:07:58.800 --> 01:08:02.000
that we've lived through, right and we have like a
1323
01:08:02.039 --> 01:08:03.360
safe space to talk about.
1324
01:08:03.599 --> 01:08:06.360
Yeah, nah, I appreciate that for sure. That's got you
1325
01:08:06.400 --> 01:08:08.400
get the whole premise of the platform. I always tell
1326
01:08:08.440 --> 01:08:15.159
people the model is to leave with vulnerability. Vulnerability. So
1327
01:08:15.280 --> 01:08:19.119
I just share my story in hopes of creating a
1328
01:08:19.119 --> 01:08:21.520
space where people feel comfortable to talk about theirs, in
1329
01:08:21.600 --> 01:08:25.039
hopes of somebody seeing that and saying, man, this this
1330
01:08:25.159 --> 01:08:27.640
resonates with me, and I can learn from this person
1331
01:08:27.680 --> 01:08:30.119
because they've been through something that I've been through or
1332
01:08:30.159 --> 01:08:33.000
that I'm going through, and so I can take some
1333
01:08:33.199 --> 01:08:36.560
advice from them. There's some woman that probably is in
1334
01:08:36.640 --> 01:08:40.479
a marriage right now, young that's like, damn, okay, someone
1335
01:08:40.560 --> 01:08:42.600
did that, so maybe I can actually do that as well.
1336
01:08:42.880 --> 01:08:46.399
There's something you know what I'm saying. For sure, for sure,
1337
01:08:46.439 --> 01:08:49.600
there's some there's some dude that may be just now
1338
01:08:49.680 --> 01:08:53.079
getting cheated on or going through depression or whatever the
1339
01:08:53.119 --> 01:08:56.520
case may be, right, and it's now our understanding, like, okay,
1340
01:08:56.680 --> 01:09:00.800
it's it's normal for me to feel upset after it
1341
01:09:00.960 --> 01:09:03.479
because I dealt with that. I was angry. I'm trying
1342
01:09:03.520 --> 01:09:06.159
to I was trying to get my get back. I
1343
01:09:06.279 --> 01:09:10.239
wasn't always just like healing ver well to do you know,
1344
01:09:10.760 --> 01:09:13.760
like I don't want people to up hell no, hell no,
1345
01:09:13.880 --> 01:09:17.239
absolutely not. No. I'm exposed myself after I got cheated on.
1346
01:09:17.279 --> 01:09:18.720
I'm trying to reach out. I was trying to reach
1347
01:09:18.760 --> 01:09:22.000
out to her friends. I'm that serious. I was like, yo, listen,
1348
01:09:22.000 --> 01:09:24.720
who can I get the friends? No, seriously, because I'm like, yo,
1349
01:09:24.760 --> 01:09:26.840
I'm trying to get my get back. Bro, I know
1350
01:09:26.960 --> 01:09:28.800
one of these I know one of these women like me.
1351
01:09:28.880 --> 01:09:31.079
I know at least one I know I can reach
1352
01:09:31.119 --> 01:09:34.359
out to one. That was That was the thought process,
1353
01:09:34.399 --> 01:09:36.319
Why are you trying to Why are you wasting your time?
1354
01:09:36.359 --> 01:09:39.000
You have nothing to do? Absolutely, you obviously have nothing
1355
01:09:39.039 --> 01:09:41.399
to do. If you have time to be thinking about that,
1356
01:09:41.680 --> 01:09:44.520
you get what I'm saying, Like, so, I don't want
1357
01:09:44.520 --> 01:09:46.319
people to think that, Oh yeah, you know I got
1358
01:09:46.359 --> 01:09:47.920
cheated on it, and all all of a sudden, I
1359
01:09:47.960 --> 01:09:49.319
went into therapy and sh I.
1360
01:09:49.399 --> 01:09:54.199
Was I wass therapy was pissing me off. At one point,
1361
01:09:54.439 --> 01:09:55.640
my therapist pissed me off too.
1362
01:09:55.680 --> 01:09:57.079
I'm like, bro, what you're talking about? I got it
1363
01:09:57.079 --> 01:10:00.720
again for her, I said, fuck her? She it on me, Bro,
1364
01:10:00.880 --> 01:10:06.600
talking about forget it's the wrong f the hell, but
1365
01:10:07.279 --> 01:10:10.319
give my money back? Like nah, for real, like what
1366
01:10:10.439 --> 01:10:13.800
we're talking about. I had a lot of stuff that
1367
01:10:13.840 --> 01:10:16.399
I had to work through, but this is the process, right,
1368
01:10:16.439 --> 01:10:21.399
and it doesn't it doesn't help us by us sitting
1369
01:10:21.520 --> 01:10:23.399
coming up here and front and like oh yeah, no,
1370
01:10:23.560 --> 01:10:24.880
you know, I got you doing then I went to
1371
01:10:24.960 --> 01:10:27.640
therapy or not even having a conversation, you know what
1372
01:10:27.680 --> 01:10:30.159
I'm saying. So that's the whole purpose of the platform
1373
01:10:30.279 --> 01:10:32.239
is to have these real world conversations, and I think
1374
01:10:32.279 --> 01:10:36.119
that's what resonates with a lot of people. I appreciate you,
1375
01:10:36.119 --> 01:10:39.000
you know, giving me my flowers because I don't really
1376
01:10:39.039 --> 01:10:40.720
think about it too much, you know, like I'm just
1377
01:10:40.760 --> 01:10:41.279
like this.
1378
01:10:41.279 --> 01:10:43.880
Dude that's got to have people around you.
1379
01:10:44.079 --> 01:10:46.880
Nah, absolutely, man, absolutely, Like I just kind of like
1380
01:10:47.640 --> 01:10:50.960
I do what I need to do, and I feel
1381
01:10:50.960 --> 01:10:53.680
like I'm just doing what God has called me to do.
1382
01:10:53.920 --> 01:10:56.560
So I never want to take too much credit, like
1383
01:10:57.039 --> 01:10:58.359
I'm putting the work in for sure.
1384
01:10:58.399 --> 01:11:03.439
But this is not always be obedient, letting guide you
1385
01:11:03.720 --> 01:11:06.359
as a dessel because I can tell you is that
1386
01:11:06.720 --> 01:11:11.960
especially when you're doing selfless work, thankless work, people that
1387
01:11:12.159 --> 01:11:15.239
just hop in the comments and say whatever and like
1388
01:11:15.359 --> 01:11:17.479
don't know what you're personally going through. Like you can
1389
01:11:17.560 --> 01:11:20.119
be on your on the edge and somebody be like
1390
01:11:21.640 --> 01:11:26.159
I tell you, like doing things for people, sometimes the
1391
01:11:26.199 --> 01:11:29.000
people make it hard. I have to remind myself all
1392
01:11:29.039 --> 01:11:32.319
the time, like I'm about to sacrifice a lot of time, energy,
1393
01:11:33.119 --> 01:11:35.439
my social life, all of that to go to medical school.
1394
01:11:36.479 --> 01:11:39.560
And I'll get cut off in traffic and I'll be like,
1395
01:11:39.600 --> 01:11:42.239
why don't you ever want to help your people? And
1396
01:11:42.279 --> 01:11:45.199
it's just like I literally have to just ground myself
1397
01:11:45.760 --> 01:11:48.720
all the time. Just an exercise. Yeah, you have to
1398
01:11:48.800 --> 01:11:52.600
just keep grounding yourself and remember why, Like okay, no,
1399
01:11:52.920 --> 01:11:56.039
what I'm doing is meaningful, is purposeful, it's impactful. There's
1400
01:11:56.079 --> 01:11:57.119
people that need to hear this.
1401
01:11:57.359 --> 01:11:59.880
Yeah. And one of the things I want to add
1402
01:12:00.119 --> 01:12:05.880
that is I had to stop seeking validation from people
1403
01:12:05.960 --> 01:12:09.199
on social media, yo, because I used to put stuff
1404
01:12:09.199 --> 01:12:10.880
out and I used to be like, oh, I hope
1405
01:12:10.880 --> 01:12:14.039
they like this, man, I really hope they like this
1406
01:12:14.119 --> 01:12:16.319
viewpoint because I'm really trying to help these brothers out.
1407
01:12:16.640 --> 01:12:18.760
Then you'll see somebody coming here and come into comments, Man,
1408
01:12:18.800 --> 01:12:20.359
what the hell you talk about? I'm like, bro, it
1409
01:12:20.359 --> 01:12:23.720
works so hard become seeking validation from this dude, like
1410
01:12:24.119 --> 01:12:25.800
why I don't even know this guy? You know what
1411
01:12:25.840 --> 01:12:28.359
I'm saying. But it was because I wasn't secure in myself.
1412
01:12:28.399 --> 01:12:30.239
That was another level of security that I had to
1413
01:12:30.239 --> 01:12:31.720
get to. So once I got to a certain level
1414
01:12:31.720 --> 01:12:33.560
of security, I'm like, okay, cool, I could put my
1415
01:12:33.600 --> 01:12:35.960
thoughts out on social media. Then I started pulling my
1416
01:12:36.000 --> 01:12:37.880
thoughts out and they started getting rejected. Then I had
1417
01:12:37.880 --> 01:12:40.039
to realize, like, okay, you have to get to another
1418
01:12:40.119 --> 01:12:44.439
level of security where the rejection doesn't trigger this crazy
1419
01:12:44.600 --> 01:12:47.279
like rage in you or you feel like you shouldn't
1420
01:12:47.279 --> 01:12:51.079
need everybody. You gotta respond to everybody, right, Like, sometimes
1421
01:12:51.079 --> 01:12:54.479
I see creators that are like in their comments, arguing
1422
01:12:54.560 --> 01:12:56.960
down folks, and I'm like, bro, like, you don't need to.
1423
01:12:57.520 --> 01:13:01.039
You don't need to justify your position here, Like you
1424
01:13:01.079 --> 01:13:03.760
don't need to actually explain your perspective any more than
1425
01:13:03.800 --> 01:13:06.439
you've already put out. Like they can go look at
1426
01:13:06.439 --> 01:13:08.960
the full video if they want to, but they or
1427
01:13:09.000 --> 01:13:11.359
they can do their own research, Like we do not.
1428
01:13:11.399 --> 01:13:14.760
Need to exert more energy and power trying to make
1429
01:13:14.840 --> 01:13:19.640
somebody accept something, or make somebody understand or give clarity.
1430
01:13:20.079 --> 01:13:22.319
If you wanted it to receive this number one, if
1431
01:13:22.359 --> 01:13:24.840
it was for you, it would have been received. If
1432
01:13:24.880 --> 01:13:27.920
it's not, you have the power to keep scrolling, right,
1433
01:13:28.079 --> 01:13:31.239
want people to practice that exercise that so much more.
1434
01:13:31.399 --> 01:13:36.000
You will not see me in nobody's comments, arguing never
1435
01:13:36.199 --> 01:13:38.520
because I don't have time. Even when we put out
1436
01:13:38.560 --> 01:13:41.520
that clip, our last episode we did together, we're talking
1437
01:13:41.520 --> 01:13:44.520
about boundaries, walls, all of that stuff or dating with
1438
01:13:44.560 --> 01:13:48.239
the wall, and there was and it was so good
1439
01:13:48.319 --> 01:13:51.279
and I was like, the girls that gotta got it.
1440
01:13:51.279 --> 01:13:54.000
It was like an eighty twenty split. Eighty percent of
1441
01:13:54.039 --> 01:13:54.760
the people.
1442
01:13:54.479 --> 01:13:55.840
Where yeah yeah.
1443
01:13:56.000 --> 01:13:58.000
But I was like, you know, I really could have
1444
01:13:58.039 --> 01:13:59.760
taken that moment. That was a moment of growth for
1445
01:13:59.800 --> 01:14:01.479
me because I was like, I could have gone through
1446
01:14:01.840 --> 01:14:04.960
and responded to every negative comment, but I was like,
1447
01:14:05.039 --> 01:14:08.279
you know what, that would defeat the purpose of what
1448
01:14:08.319 --> 01:14:11.399
I was saying. That will water down my experience that
1449
01:14:11.479 --> 01:14:13.720
I was talking about and need to hear more. Worried
1450
01:14:13.760 --> 01:14:17.279
about making sure you understood what I was saying. I
1451
01:14:17.279 --> 01:14:19.920
don't have to do that. I was clear. I said
1452
01:14:19.920 --> 01:14:22.479
what I said, and if you didn't like it, you
1453
01:14:22.520 --> 01:14:23.359
didn't have to comment.
1454
01:14:24.119 --> 01:14:24.560
That's it.
1455
01:14:25.399 --> 01:14:28.840
So dang well, we weren't talking about boundaries. It clearly
1456
01:14:28.880 --> 01:14:32.079
had a caption. And that's the thing too. The words
1457
01:14:32.159 --> 01:14:35.359
be right there and y'all still go pulling in other meanings.
1458
01:14:35.640 --> 01:14:36.279
That's crazy too.
1459
01:14:36.399 --> 01:14:39.840
And you know, that people will literally ignore all of
1460
01:14:39.880 --> 01:14:43.319
that because what happens is people get triggered by certain
1461
01:14:43.359 --> 01:14:45.840
topics and conversations. And I've had to learn that on
1462
01:14:45.920 --> 01:14:48.680
social media, especially with the conversations that we're having talking
1463
01:14:48.680 --> 01:14:50.800
about getting cheated on, talking about a man that's not
1464
01:14:50.840 --> 01:14:53.760
necessarily all the way there hasn't been able to actualize
1465
01:14:53.800 --> 01:14:56.239
his potential or sits on his ass too much. There's
1466
01:14:56.239 --> 01:14:58.520
some people that when they hear that type of stuff,
1467
01:14:58.520 --> 01:15:00.640
they're like, this is me, and I don't like the
1468
01:15:00.640 --> 01:15:03.720
way you're talking about me, So now I'm gonna insult that.
1469
01:15:04.359 --> 01:15:06.800
You know what I'm saying, like, you know, just insult
1470
01:15:06.840 --> 01:15:08.560
your character when I don't even know you.
1471
01:15:08.399 --> 01:15:12.720
Right, because I'm getting defensive, and I had to realize, like,
1472
01:15:13.079 --> 01:15:17.479
you're going to trigger some people when you, oh, man,
1473
01:15:17.560 --> 01:15:21.760
this is the world. And it's not even just that though,
1474
01:15:22.119 --> 01:15:25.840
not even necessarily poking at somebody's demons. It's you're going
1475
01:15:25.920 --> 01:15:29.199
to trigger some people when they've never been seen before.
1476
01:15:30.399 --> 01:15:33.960
What I mean by that is when when people have
1477
01:15:34.199 --> 01:15:38.319
never actually realized like this is me and you put
1478
01:15:38.359 --> 01:15:42.359
the mirror up in content, they get triggered because it's
1479
01:15:42.399 --> 01:15:45.119
like I've never actually had to do that self reflection.
1480
01:15:45.560 --> 01:15:49.239
Now you're forcing me through this content to do self reflection.
1481
01:15:49.439 --> 01:15:53.079
I actually hate you, and it comes out in the
1482
01:15:53.119 --> 01:15:55.560
way that they respond in the comments. I can always
1483
01:15:55.600 --> 01:16:01.720
tell when somebody hates the that they perceive themselves by
1484
01:16:01.720 --> 01:16:04.000
the way that they speak to me or a guest.
1485
01:16:04.880 --> 01:16:08.840
Because I personally love myself. I would never go into
1486
01:16:08.880 --> 01:16:12.520
somebody's comments and like I'm trying to actively make them
1487
01:16:12.520 --> 01:16:15.359
feel worse about themselves. I may make a joke here
1488
01:16:15.359 --> 01:16:17.159
and there, but you know what I'm saying about some content,
1489
01:16:17.199 --> 01:16:20.479
but I'm never trying to act actively make somebody feel
1490
01:16:20.479 --> 01:16:23.399
worse about themselves. So when I see that, I'm like, Okay,
1491
01:16:23.840 --> 01:16:26.399
you don't like the mirror that's up right now. You
1492
01:16:26.479 --> 01:16:29.199
actually don't like the self reflection that you're having to
1493
01:16:29.239 --> 01:16:31.399
do as a result of this content. It makes you
1494
01:16:31.479 --> 01:16:34.359
feel bad about yourself for some reason, and that's an
1495
01:16:34.399 --> 01:16:37.560
invitation to do more work. You know what I'm saying,
1496
01:16:37.600 --> 01:16:40.119
Like the content that it's hard, it.
1497
01:16:40.159 --> 01:16:43.479
Is so hard. I'm a play Devil's f kid, It's hard. No,
1498
01:16:44.119 --> 01:16:46.079
I was trying to describe, like the closer you get
1499
01:16:46.119 --> 01:16:50.960
to thirty, you start having those experiences more or at
1500
01:16:51.039 --> 01:16:53.720
least I did, and I was just kind of like,
1501
01:16:53.800 --> 01:16:58.159
bro who who wanted to wake up today and learn
1502
01:16:58.199 --> 01:17:02.520
more about themselves? That's not to do with is wake up,
1503
01:17:02.560 --> 01:17:05.439
take my kid at the camp or school work, and
1504
01:17:05.479 --> 01:17:07.159
then go pick him up and be a man and
1505
01:17:07.239 --> 01:17:11.039
just you know, keep being in our routine. But I mean,
1506
01:17:11.079 --> 01:17:13.000
those things are going to happen. You are going to
1507
01:17:13.000 --> 01:17:14.760
have to grow. Every day that you wake up on
1508
01:17:14.800 --> 01:17:17.920
this earth. Something's going to occur that's going to make
1509
01:17:17.960 --> 01:17:22.239
you grow to the next level. And you're either going
1510
01:17:22.279 --> 01:17:25.920
to choose to grow or your circumstances will make you grow.
1511
01:17:26.640 --> 01:17:30.119
And so once you start choosing your role, and it's
1512
01:17:30.159 --> 01:17:33.920
not that you'll never have circumstances that are unfavorable because
1513
01:17:33.960 --> 01:17:37.039
that was promised to us in this life. Unfortunately, you
1514
01:17:37.119 --> 01:17:41.119
can't all be rainbows. But I mean that's just real
1515
01:17:41.159 --> 01:17:42.680
at the end of the day. That's that's real.
1516
01:17:43.039 --> 01:17:46.359
Yeah, I'm telling you, man, and people just haven't been
1517
01:17:46.399 --> 01:17:49.880
seen enough, but they haven't seen themselves enough, and so
1518
01:17:50.359 --> 01:17:52.359
it just it comes out in the way that they
1519
01:17:52.439 --> 01:17:55.239
respond to certain certain content on social media. For sure,
1520
01:17:55.960 --> 01:17:57.479
I want to I want to talk to you more
1521
01:17:57.520 --> 01:18:01.880
about your relationship with your son, how you're raising and
1522
01:18:02.000 --> 01:18:04.079
how that process has been with cold parents? I know
1523
01:18:04.119 --> 01:18:06.359
you guys had a period where you said you were
1524
01:18:06.439 --> 01:18:09.560
crying a lot. Like how have you guys transitioned from
1525
01:18:09.560 --> 01:18:11.600
that now to him being seven? Like? What does that
1526
01:18:11.640 --> 01:18:13.760
look like? You're also in a new You're in a
1527
01:18:13.800 --> 01:18:16.199
new relationship, So how is that? You know what I'm saying,
1528
01:18:16.199 --> 01:18:17.800
How is cold parents have been now that you're in
1529
01:18:18.039 --> 01:18:21.119
a relationship or you know, being in relationships? Like what
1530
01:18:21.159 --> 01:18:23.079
does that cold parents and process look for you guys?
1531
01:18:23.119 --> 01:18:26.239
And how have you been able to make it healthy?
1532
01:18:28.760 --> 01:18:34.000
You know, man, motherhood has always been rewarding for me.
1533
01:18:35.479 --> 01:18:38.239
That does not mean it hasn't been difficult. It doesn't
1534
01:18:38.239 --> 01:18:40.840
mean I have not been had my days where I'm like,
1535
01:18:42.399 --> 01:18:45.279
I don't even want to do this, Like those are
1536
01:18:45.359 --> 01:18:47.479
real emotions that a lot of women don't get to
1537
01:18:47.520 --> 01:18:50.960
come out and talk about. But I think it's just
1538
01:18:51.039 --> 01:18:53.159
so rewarding for me. Every time I look at him
1539
01:18:53.279 --> 01:18:57.039
or think about him, I just I love my son somewhere.
1540
01:18:57.199 --> 01:19:01.079
She's such a blessing. He came at a perfect time,
1541
01:19:01.800 --> 01:19:04.520
just perfect time. I mean, I know that was all God.
1542
01:19:06.960 --> 01:19:10.119
He is my ancher, or he was my ancher. I
1543
01:19:10.159 --> 01:19:13.279
will say when I found out about him, when I
1544
01:19:13.279 --> 01:19:17.159
found out I was pregnant, because just mentally, my mental
1545
01:19:17.159 --> 01:19:19.079
health was not in the best place. So when I
1546
01:19:19.119 --> 01:19:21.479
found out, though, I was like, oh, it was just
1547
01:19:21.560 --> 01:19:25.239
kind of like this this joy that I had, especially
1548
01:19:25.279 --> 01:19:27.399
after I knew my parents would support me, and of
1549
01:19:27.439 --> 01:19:29.680
course I was in a relationship at the time, so
1550
01:19:29.760 --> 01:19:32.439
he was there to support me. But for me, like,
1551
01:19:32.520 --> 01:19:35.680
I'm just close with my family, so I cared more
1552
01:19:35.800 --> 01:19:38.039
about like, yeah, I know I got my friends and
1553
01:19:38.560 --> 01:19:42.640
I have my husband at the time, but I was
1554
01:19:42.680 --> 01:19:46.960
just kind of like for me, I know, friends can
1555
01:19:46.960 --> 01:19:49.079
come and go, family can too, but I just like
1556
01:19:49.399 --> 01:19:51.840
my family felt more permanent. So I cared more about
1557
01:19:51.880 --> 01:19:54.880
having my appearance approval number one because I was so
1558
01:19:54.960 --> 01:20:00.239
young still and their support, so you know, as soon
1559
01:20:00.239 --> 01:20:02.239
as I got their blessing, I was just kind of like, oh,
1560
01:20:02.239 --> 01:20:05.880
my gosh, like I can be happy about this, Like
1561
01:20:05.920 --> 01:20:08.880
I don't have to be embarrassed, like I did everything right,
1562
01:20:09.000 --> 01:20:14.159
that doesn't matter. But I just I felt I'm trying
1563
01:20:14.199 --> 01:20:16.000
to think about like the day he was born, I
1564
01:20:16.039 --> 01:20:18.600
was just like I have a whole human and seven
1565
01:20:18.680 --> 01:20:20.720
years later, I'm still doing that. I'm like I have
1566
01:20:20.800 --> 01:20:25.119
a whole human being to not just keep alive, but
1567
01:20:25.239 --> 01:20:29.880
like to raise to like cool purpose out of But
1568
01:20:30.039 --> 01:20:34.039
he keeps me inspired because I just want to make
1569
01:20:34.039 --> 01:20:37.279
sure I am creating opportunities for him, or at least
1570
01:20:37.319 --> 01:20:41.760
making sure that he knows what's possible. My parents anything
1571
01:20:41.800 --> 01:20:44.920
I took interest in, they were there. They sacrificed what
1572
01:20:44.960 --> 01:20:47.960
they needed to to make sure that, you know, I
1573
01:20:48.000 --> 01:20:50.880
can go to lessons or do whatever I wanted to do.
1574
01:20:51.159 --> 01:20:53.199
And that's kind of like a common story with a
1575
01:20:53.199 --> 01:20:55.840
lot of people that are great heard the musician, A
1576
01:20:55.840 --> 01:20:59.800
lot of athletes. You hear about how their parents motivated
1577
01:20:59.840 --> 01:21:02.399
they or how they sacrificed and paid money so they
1578
01:21:02.439 --> 01:21:06.199
can go to camp and stuff like that. I recently
1579
01:21:06.239 --> 01:21:09.600
watched like the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader show that's on Netflix,
1580
01:21:10.079 --> 01:21:12.239
and a lot of their appearents were just like, we
1581
01:21:12.399 --> 01:21:14.720
just believe in them so much, so will sacrifice whatever,
1582
01:21:14.800 --> 01:21:17.199
And like, just I can. I know what they mean
1583
01:21:17.560 --> 01:21:20.640
because I have someone to sacrifice for now in a
1584
01:21:20.640 --> 01:21:23.520
good way, in a good way, So I just I
1585
01:21:23.560 --> 01:21:30.399
think that raising him is interesting only because I'm learning
1586
01:21:30.479 --> 01:21:33.520
at the same time about myself, so like I'm growing,
1587
01:21:33.560 --> 01:21:35.720
but I'm also trying to raise it him in without
1588
01:21:36.039 --> 01:21:39.079
watering down who he's supposed to be. So it's just
1589
01:21:39.159 --> 01:21:43.439
kind of like a constant. I'm just trying to stay aware.
1590
01:21:44.079 --> 01:21:46.720
I don't want to respond to him negatively or make
1591
01:21:46.800 --> 01:21:49.159
him feel like, you know, he doesn't have a safe
1592
01:21:49.159 --> 01:21:51.680
space to come to me as his mom when something happens,
1593
01:21:51.920 --> 01:21:55.000
when he has questions. He asked me like, what was
1594
01:21:55.079 --> 01:21:58.119
virginity the other day. I almost lost my mind. Oh right,
1595
01:21:58.520 --> 01:22:00.600
I mean the stuff is out here now you kids
1596
01:22:00.600 --> 01:22:02.880
start talking about wild stuff. I'm like, y'all talk about
1597
01:22:02.960 --> 01:22:07.800
virginity at camp, but it's going to happen. I remember
1598
01:22:07.800 --> 01:22:09.960
I wasn't allowed to stay pregnant when I was a kid,
1599
01:22:09.960 --> 01:22:12.319
and I'm just now that i'm older, I'm like, what
1600
01:22:12.399 --> 01:22:14.760
I have to say? Expecting I don't know, you know,
1601
01:22:14.760 --> 01:22:21.479
appearance they're just hilarious, especially our old school But but yeah,
1602
01:22:21.560 --> 01:22:24.439
I'm like, you know what. I didn't answer the question.
1603
01:22:24.640 --> 01:22:26.359
I kept it pretty vague because I'm like, you're too
1604
01:22:26.439 --> 01:22:29.159
young to be talking about that right now. But at
1605
01:22:29.159 --> 01:22:32.520
the same time, I was happy that he felt secure
1606
01:22:32.600 --> 01:22:36.199
enough to come ask me without being scared. There were
1607
01:22:36.239 --> 01:22:38.520
moments I noticed when he was growing up. You know,
1608
01:22:38.640 --> 01:22:41.399
he would get scared if his juice fell over all
1609
01:22:41.399 --> 01:22:43.840
over the table and stuff, and I would be like, Babe,
1610
01:22:43.880 --> 01:22:46.880
just tell me it happened. Everything's fine, Like we can
1611
01:22:46.920 --> 01:22:49.920
clean it up, like there's no problem. So I had
1612
01:22:49.960 --> 01:22:52.560
to just kids do learn fear, like they learn how
1613
01:22:52.560 --> 01:22:54.560
to be scared of bugs and scared of the dark.
1614
01:22:54.840 --> 01:22:57.319
All of that stuff is learned. So I'm just trying
1615
01:22:57.359 --> 01:23:00.279
to make sure, like every day is definitely different, but
1616
01:23:00.359 --> 01:23:03.720
I'm trying to just make sure I'm sensitive to how
1617
01:23:03.760 --> 01:23:07.800
he's experiencing the world. He's still very shielded because I'm
1618
01:23:07.880 --> 01:23:10.560
just like, I don't let him stay with people often,
1619
01:23:10.640 --> 01:23:13.279
like he's usually right up under me if it's not
1620
01:23:13.359 --> 01:23:16.840
my family. So I'm trying to like, I know, I
1621
01:23:16.880 --> 01:23:19.199
can't protect him from everything, but at the same time,
1622
01:23:19.279 --> 01:23:22.800
I'm just like I am just mama beer about him,
1623
01:23:22.880 --> 01:23:26.119
give him, but I'm excited for his life. I'm excited
1624
01:23:26.119 --> 01:23:28.560
he has a purpose because I'm just like, I want
1625
01:23:28.600 --> 01:23:31.720
to see that come to life. And that's why it's
1626
01:23:31.720 --> 01:23:34.760
great to have a good co parenting relationship only because
1627
01:23:34.800 --> 01:23:37.359
not that I don't get frustrated with his father, but
1628
01:23:38.439 --> 01:23:42.680
you know, knowing that he also has, you know, someone
1629
01:23:42.720 --> 01:23:44.439
that wants to be active in his life. They have
1630
01:23:44.520 --> 01:23:46.920
their own experiences. He'll come back talking about he had
1631
01:23:46.920 --> 01:23:50.079
a chasm trip and went kayaking and all this stuff
1632
01:23:50.119 --> 01:23:52.840
that I don't always have time to do because I'm
1633
01:23:52.880 --> 01:23:56.720
working so much. It's just it's nice to have that
1634
01:23:56.800 --> 01:24:00.600
teamwork going. So yeah, I think every day it's different.
1635
01:24:00.640 --> 01:24:02.680
There's no cookie credit way to do this. I know
1636
01:24:02.720 --> 01:24:07.039
there's a lot of people out here that will try
1637
01:24:07.079 --> 01:24:09.159
to tell you if you make this decision, you're a
1638
01:24:09.199 --> 01:24:12.640
bad mom or you're a bad dad, but none of
1639
01:24:12.640 --> 01:24:14.680
that's true. You got to just throw all of that
1640
01:24:15.159 --> 01:24:17.640
out the window and just do the best that you can.
1641
01:24:17.880 --> 01:24:21.119
Definitely. Yeah, so you talked about going from like initially
1642
01:24:21.199 --> 01:24:22.640
like the cold parents, and you were.
1643
01:24:23.199 --> 01:24:26.239
You were as he calls me on FaceTime, by the way,
1644
01:24:27.359 --> 01:24:28.479
to ask his tablet.
1645
01:24:28.640 --> 01:24:30.840
Yeah, I was gonna see it. I was gonna say,
1646
01:24:30.880 --> 01:24:32.760
see if you need to respond, respond to that, you
1647
01:24:32.800 --> 01:24:33.279
need to take it.
1648
01:24:33.279 --> 01:24:35.760
Oh you're good, No, it's fine. He's just gonna ask
1649
01:24:35.760 --> 01:24:36.279
where I am.
1650
01:24:36.439 --> 01:24:39.159
Okay, you're telling me on the podcast going back.
1651
01:24:39.199 --> 01:24:40.880
Okay, we'll talk later.
1652
01:24:43.079 --> 01:24:45.119
So I want to talk about like the transition because
1653
01:24:45.159 --> 01:24:47.880
I know there's some folks that are cold parenting now
1654
01:24:48.560 --> 01:24:50.840
and they may not have the best relationship with their
1655
01:24:50.920 --> 01:24:53.880
with their co parent. You you may have been in
1656
01:24:53.920 --> 01:24:56.079
that situation a little bit, right, So like, how did
1657
01:24:56.119 --> 01:24:59.399
you guys transition from that to now in a in
1658
01:24:59.399 --> 01:25:01.399
a more healthy What were some of the things that
1659
01:25:01.439 --> 01:25:04.600
you I was.
1660
01:25:04.760 --> 01:25:06.760
I think what helped me the most was just making
1661
01:25:06.800 --> 01:25:09.560
sure I was doing my work, because you have to
1662
01:25:09.600 --> 01:25:13.199
have two willing people. Number one. It's not gonna work
1663
01:25:13.279 --> 01:25:17.159
if Like again, I think I told you too in
1664
01:25:17.199 --> 01:25:19.680
the beginning, like I have to let go of my
1665
01:25:19.840 --> 01:25:22.079
expectations of what it looks like for him to show
1666
01:25:22.119 --> 01:25:24.479
up as a father. I had to let go of
1667
01:25:24.520 --> 01:25:27.000
that and just focus on let me just make sure
1668
01:25:27.039 --> 01:25:28.960
I'm being the best other possible. As long as he's
1669
01:25:29.000 --> 01:25:31.119
safe when he's with his father. At this point, look
1670
01:25:31.720 --> 01:25:34.640
y'all have a ball and I'll see you when I
1671
01:25:34.640 --> 01:25:36.920
get back. As long as the communication is strong when
1672
01:25:36.920 --> 01:25:39.760
he's not with me, and vice versa. Things like that,
1673
01:25:39.960 --> 01:25:43.000
just keeping each other updated on his milestones and stuff
1674
01:25:43.039 --> 01:25:46.159
like that. It became teamwork, But it did not start
1675
01:25:46.159 --> 01:25:50.880
out that way. It was kind of like for a
1676
01:25:50.920 --> 01:25:55.880
while it was just solely him being with me, and
1677
01:25:55.920 --> 01:25:58.159
I feel like he can get like that. Sometimes. I
1678
01:25:58.159 --> 01:26:00.199
didn't know I was gonna get this candid, but there
1679
01:26:00.199 --> 01:26:04.560
are times where and I'm saying it this way because
1680
01:26:04.680 --> 01:26:07.479
I am a woman, so I've only had this experience
1681
01:26:07.479 --> 01:26:13.279
as a woman, but where the man chooses to relocate
1682
01:26:13.359 --> 01:26:17.199
himself because he don't want to have to interact with me,
1683
01:26:17.960 --> 01:26:23.640
so he's okay with missing out on time with this child.
1684
01:26:23.720 --> 01:26:26.159
So eventually we did, like I said, we have to
1685
01:26:26.159 --> 01:26:27.760
set up a schedule and all of that, and it
1686
01:26:27.840 --> 01:26:30.399
was a part of the divorce process as well, but
1687
01:26:30.560 --> 01:26:33.039
that was just to have it on paper. Making somebody
1688
01:26:33.079 --> 01:26:35.800
do it is a separate thing, or not even making
1689
01:26:35.800 --> 01:26:37.920
them do it, but them stepping up to do it
1690
01:26:38.000 --> 01:26:41.359
is totally separate. But luckily I didn't have any of
1691
01:26:41.399 --> 01:26:44.279
those issues because he has been a willing father. But
1692
01:26:45.439 --> 01:26:47.960
it was not easy, especially with the emotions. It's just
1693
01:26:48.000 --> 01:26:49.960
like and then when you have a great child, it's
1694
01:26:50.000 --> 01:26:53.600
just kind of like like you just want to shield
1695
01:26:53.640 --> 01:26:55.840
them from everything. But I did make sure that I
1696
01:26:55.880 --> 01:27:01.119
didn't weaponize my child because I know that that does
1697
01:27:01.199 --> 01:27:04.880
happen to a lot of men too, where it's like, okay, well,
1698
01:27:04.920 --> 01:27:06.319
you don't get to see your son if I don't
1699
01:27:06.319 --> 01:27:09.199
get what I want. That would have been so selfish
1700
01:27:09.199 --> 01:27:10.840
of me. And I'm not going to say I never
1701
01:27:10.880 --> 01:27:14.720
had the thought, but I never did it. And we're
1702
01:27:14.760 --> 01:27:18.600
saying that on camera, like, never did it because I
1703
01:27:18.720 --> 01:27:20.760
just I was like not. In the long run, that
1704
01:27:20.840 --> 01:27:24.199
hurts the child when the parents choose to be selfish.
1705
01:27:25.680 --> 01:27:28.600
So I think that I'm just I'm proud of myself
1706
01:27:28.720 --> 01:27:32.920
now because it's so hard to be compassionate towards another
1707
01:27:32.960 --> 01:27:35.399
person when you are not a fan of that person,
1708
01:27:35.920 --> 01:27:38.800
like you said, sometimes you just want to be like
1709
01:27:39.000 --> 01:27:41.760
f them for real. And I could have made his
1710
01:27:41.840 --> 01:27:44.319
life hell, But what was the point, you know, Like
1711
01:27:44.359 --> 01:27:46.239
there was just no point. I didn't I didn't have
1712
01:27:46.279 --> 01:27:48.640
any me and I had something else to focus on
1713
01:27:48.680 --> 01:27:51.920
with school. Then I started the healthcare plug. You know,
1714
01:27:52.199 --> 01:27:56.520
just as you coming to yourself more, it spills over
1715
01:27:56.560 --> 01:27:58.079
into how you respond to other people.
1716
01:27:58.279 --> 01:28:01.880
Yeah, you don't have time for revenge when you're investing
1717
01:28:01.920 --> 01:28:03.840
in yourself. That's what I realized. That's why I was
1718
01:28:03.840 --> 01:28:06.479
saying what I said earlier. So just to round out
1719
01:28:06.479 --> 01:28:09.439
that point, I said, if you have time to be
1720
01:28:09.479 --> 01:28:13.000
thinking about who are this girl's friends that I can
1721
01:28:13.039 --> 01:28:16.520
get at you? Are you? You have too much time? Yeah,
1722
01:28:16.600 --> 01:28:18.279
I don't have time to think about those type of
1723
01:28:18.279 --> 01:28:20.560
things now. I literally do not have time to think
1724
01:28:20.600 --> 01:28:22.640
about those things. After your episode, I got another episode.
1725
01:28:22.680 --> 01:28:24.399
After that episode, I got another episode. Then I gotta
1726
01:28:24.399 --> 01:28:27.000
hop on a flight. I do not have time to
1727
01:28:27.039 --> 01:28:28.600
be thinking, Yo, how am I gonna get at this
1728
01:28:28.640 --> 01:28:30.600
da da lah blah blah. That's why I cut straight
1729
01:28:30.640 --> 01:28:32.479
to the point in a lot of conversations. I just
1730
01:28:32.520 --> 01:28:34.600
don't have the time anymore. And it's not me trying
1731
01:28:34.600 --> 01:28:36.319
to be rude, trying to pretend like my time is
1732
01:28:36.359 --> 01:28:39.720
more valuable than anybody else's time. I'm just acknowledging where
1733
01:28:39.720 --> 01:28:43.720
I am right. So, like, my answer to anybody that's
1734
01:28:43.720 --> 01:28:46.000
in that space is like, yo, bro, if you have
1735
01:28:46.159 --> 01:28:48.239
time to be thinking about how you can get your
1736
01:28:48.279 --> 01:28:51.359
get back, you have too much time and you're not
1737
01:28:51.399 --> 01:28:55.399
investing enough time in yourself, and you're actually wasting your time,
1738
01:28:55.520 --> 01:28:58.239
which we were already established is a very valuable resource
1739
01:28:58.279 --> 01:29:01.239
that you cannot reproduce, So why are you wasting it?
1740
01:29:01.720 --> 01:29:05.760
Steward your time well, steward your energy well. If you
1741
01:29:05.800 --> 01:29:09.840
are a healthy person, you would consider yourself healthy, steward
1742
01:29:09.880 --> 01:29:13.319
it well and like give yourself everything you can. It's
1743
01:29:13.359 --> 01:29:16.920
not being selfish. But when I tell you, like I
1744
01:29:16.960 --> 01:29:19.760
am the best version of myself, I know this isn't
1745
01:29:19.800 --> 01:29:22.079
the best version I will ever see, but this is
1746
01:29:22.119 --> 01:29:25.119
the best version that I have seen because of the work,
1747
01:29:25.680 --> 01:29:29.520
how much I've invested in myself. Yeah, and so that
1748
01:29:29.600 --> 01:29:33.159
did change my expectations of what I expect from other
1749
01:29:33.199 --> 01:29:36.720
people around me. Yeah, when I was in my broken days,
1750
01:29:37.119 --> 01:29:39.600
you could have been a shitty friend to me. You
1751
01:29:39.640 --> 01:29:41.239
could have and I would have forgiven you time and
1752
01:29:41.279 --> 01:29:44.039
time again. But babe, now that I see my worth,
1753
01:29:45.199 --> 01:29:47.000
and that's what I meant to And I was talking
1754
01:29:47.039 --> 01:29:49.960
about the glow up about like oh okay, now I
1755
01:29:49.960 --> 01:29:52.439
think I'm cute. Like it wasn't just about the outward,
1756
01:29:52.560 --> 01:29:55.800
Like the outward started to transform because of what was
1757
01:29:55.840 --> 01:29:58.800
happening on the inside. And it was like, dang, I
1758
01:29:58.840 --> 01:30:02.720
do deserve like more time to you know, pour into myself.
1759
01:30:02.840 --> 01:30:06.439
I do deserve to go get my my massage once
1760
01:30:06.479 --> 01:30:08.520
a month. To make that time for myself. I have
1761
01:30:08.640 --> 01:30:11.800
to make it or it's not gonna happen. You do
1762
01:30:11.960 --> 01:30:14.920
have to make that time because your employer. You already
1763
01:30:15.000 --> 01:30:18.119
when you think about how many people already have DIBs
1764
01:30:18.159 --> 01:30:20.039
on your time, you're gonna make it for yourself?
1765
01:30:20.199 --> 01:30:24.560
No, absolutely, absolutely, yeah, stoad your time, well, man, have
1766
01:30:24.640 --> 01:30:25.319
to while.
1767
01:30:25.159 --> 01:30:29.079
You have it. We all borrowed time. This would be
1768
01:30:29.159 --> 01:30:30.479
both of our last days up there.
1769
01:30:30.479 --> 01:30:35.000
God for be hopefully noted.
1770
01:30:33.359 --> 01:30:39.520
A podcast to make it. Thinking like that, it's like
1771
01:30:39.560 --> 01:30:41.680
not to live in fear. But it's like we are
1772
01:30:41.840 --> 01:30:46.520
too comfortable and we think we are invincible. Yeah, and
1773
01:30:46.560 --> 01:30:48.800
we cannot think like that. We really have to like
1774
01:30:48.960 --> 01:30:49.800
cherish every month.
1775
01:30:50.319 --> 01:30:52.359
No, no, no, you're right, we really do have to.
1776
01:30:52.319 --> 01:30:54.199
Cherish every moment. I know I should have never I
1777
01:30:54.199 --> 01:30:55.039
should have left you out of that.
1778
01:30:55.319 --> 01:30:58.479
No, no, you're right, you're absolutely right. Like but yeah,
1779
01:30:58.520 --> 01:31:01.119
for real, the thought for us is that like I'm
1780
01:31:01.159 --> 01:31:02.720
just gonna be able to do everything I want to
1781
01:31:02.760 --> 01:31:05.479
do tomorrow and I can just chill today. Like I
1782
01:31:05.520 --> 01:31:07.600
don't have Like I don't I don't try and live
1783
01:31:07.640 --> 01:31:09.880
with that thought process, right, not to say that I'm
1784
01:31:09.920 --> 01:31:12.399
overworking myself for with exerting myself all the time to
1785
01:31:12.399 --> 01:31:14.520
try and get everything done in a single day. But
1786
01:31:14.600 --> 01:31:16.399
I don't have the thought process that I'm gonna be
1787
01:31:16.439 --> 01:31:18.880
here forever. I would love to, right, But at the
1788
01:31:18.920 --> 01:31:22.239
same time, like that's just not realistic, Right, So what
1789
01:31:22.279 --> 01:31:26.000
am I doing right now to maximize my potential while
1790
01:31:26.039 --> 01:31:28.760
I'm on earth to actually walk in the path that
1791
01:31:28.800 --> 01:31:31.760
God has aligned for me. That's why I stay so obedient,
1792
01:31:31.800 --> 01:31:34.199
because I'm like, yo, I know for a fact, I'm
1793
01:31:34.199 --> 01:31:37.000
not gonna be here forever, and I don't want to
1794
01:31:37.039 --> 01:31:41.279
pass away with people saying, damn, but he didn't get
1795
01:31:41.319 --> 01:31:44.000
to do these, this, this and this, and maybe that
1796
01:31:44.000 --> 01:31:46.079
would happen regardless because of where I am right now.
1797
01:31:46.119 --> 01:31:47.840
But at the end of the day, nobody can ever
1798
01:31:47.920 --> 01:31:50.319
say like he didn't go for everything that he said
1799
01:31:50.319 --> 01:31:52.800
he's gonna go for, right, And I just never wanted
1800
01:31:52.800 --> 01:31:55.800
that to be my experience. And so, like to circle
1801
01:31:55.880 --> 01:31:58.600
back to the to the time things like when you're
1802
01:31:58.840 --> 01:32:03.479
prioritizing the things you're prioritizing get back, you're prioritizing doing
1803
01:32:03.520 --> 01:32:06.079
things that are not going to actually invest in your growth.
1804
01:32:06.840 --> 01:32:10.800
You're literally stripping yourself of being able to achieve the
1805
01:32:10.880 --> 01:32:16.079
potential that God has put you on this earth to achieve, right,
1806
01:32:16.119 --> 01:32:17.880
And like I just didn't want to, Like I don't
1807
01:32:17.920 --> 01:32:19.920
want that to be I never wanted that to be
1808
01:32:20.000 --> 01:32:23.239
my story. I've seen a lot of conversations about like
1809
01:32:23.960 --> 01:32:27.079
the graveyard is the place that has the most ideas
1810
01:32:27.119 --> 01:32:29.760
that have died, right, Like all these different kinds of
1811
01:32:29.760 --> 01:32:31.960
things are things that I've been wired into my head, like, yo,
1812
01:32:32.279 --> 01:32:35.359
I don't want to be that person, right. So this
1813
01:32:35.439 --> 01:32:37.640
is why that's why I go so hard with the platform.
1814
01:32:37.680 --> 01:32:39.640
I'm always so consistent all that kind of stuff because
1815
01:32:39.680 --> 01:32:42.479
I'm like, there's something else that's driving me, and a
1816
01:32:42.520 --> 01:32:44.199
lot of that has to do with God, and it's
1817
01:32:44.239 --> 01:32:49.039
not necessarily myself. That's why I always get that. That's
1818
01:32:49.039 --> 01:32:52.560
why I always bring God into everything because I don't
1819
01:32:52.560 --> 01:32:54.920
want people thinking like, oh, yeah, kids will just so
1820
01:32:55.079 --> 01:32:58.239
he got such great work ethic and I do. But
1821
01:32:58.239 --> 01:33:00.359
at the same time, a lot of that is ditributed
1822
01:33:00.640 --> 01:33:02.800
because of God and the work that He's done in
1823
01:33:02.800 --> 01:33:04.600
my life. And one of the things I love about
1824
01:33:04.600 --> 01:33:08.159
you is that you talk about God. You've talked about
1825
01:33:08.159 --> 01:33:11.159
being broken, but what I want you to speak on
1826
01:33:11.359 --> 01:33:14.479
is like, how did God help you in those periods?
1827
01:33:14.520 --> 01:33:16.279
Because I feel like we talk a lot about doing
1828
01:33:16.279 --> 01:33:19.039
the healing work. We go to therapy. It's great for sure,
1829
01:33:19.960 --> 01:33:22.720
but there's a lot of spirituality that's involved in the
1830
01:33:22.760 --> 01:33:25.319
healing process. I don't think we get into that side
1831
01:33:25.319 --> 01:33:28.760
of things. I know, so can you please speak on
1832
01:33:28.800 --> 01:33:29.439
that real quick.
1833
01:33:29.560 --> 01:33:34.680
I think that is honestly what has grown my relationship
1834
01:33:34.720 --> 01:33:37.479
with God to where it is today. And I will
1835
01:33:37.520 --> 01:33:40.680
never feel like I know God enough. So like, I'm
1836
01:33:40.720 --> 01:33:44.079
just trying to get to a place where I'm actively
1837
01:33:44.119 --> 01:33:46.960
pursuing Him every day and what that looks like. It
1838
01:33:47.000 --> 01:33:50.319
may not look like I have a five m prayer time,
1839
01:33:51.159 --> 01:33:53.399
and there are some people that are so disciplined and
1840
01:33:53.439 --> 01:33:56.239
I love that for them. I'm trying to get there,
1841
01:33:56.279 --> 01:33:59.439
and I can be honest about that. But I will
1842
01:33:59.479 --> 01:34:03.640
say recognizing God, that was like one of the most
1843
01:34:03.680 --> 01:34:07.680
beautiful things about my twenties. I had a lot of
1844
01:34:07.760 --> 01:34:12.039
dark days. However, I was able to embrace joy because
1845
01:34:12.079 --> 01:34:14.640
He reminded me that I had the power to embrace
1846
01:34:14.680 --> 01:34:18.000
it and that it was in me. I have so
1847
01:34:18.119 --> 01:34:22.800
many testimonies, I really do. I think He's always placed
1848
01:34:22.880 --> 01:34:25.359
great friends around me. I have some of the same
1849
01:34:25.399 --> 01:34:30.439
friends I've had for over a decade because I don't
1850
01:34:30.439 --> 01:34:32.000
know what it is. It's like, you know, if you
1851
01:34:32.079 --> 01:34:33.560
go home for too long, if they don't see on
1852
01:34:33.560 --> 01:34:36.520
social media or if they don't hear from me, like
1853
01:34:36.560 --> 01:34:38.640
if they don't get a voice note or a text,
1854
01:34:38.720 --> 01:34:41.439
and the minute they're like, okay, girl, how are you?
1855
01:34:41.439 --> 01:34:43.359
You got two days before I pull up on you
1856
01:34:43.399 --> 01:34:47.279
afore a call. And I need friends like that because
1857
01:34:47.319 --> 01:34:49.600
it might not always be like oh, I'm you know,
1858
01:34:49.840 --> 01:34:53.000
wallowing or anything like that. Like sometimes it's just I'm
1859
01:34:53.760 --> 01:34:56.840
super busy, almost burnt out or past burnt out, and
1860
01:34:56.880 --> 01:34:58.640
I need a break. And even if it was just
1861
01:34:59.560 --> 01:35:01.760
you know, so my friends calling me being like girl,
1862
01:35:01.800 --> 01:35:05.680
let's go out. The dinner's on me, and not having
1863
01:35:05.720 --> 01:35:09.359
the stress. I saw God in those moments. I saw
1864
01:35:09.439 --> 01:35:12.319
him where oh we're gonna really get into some stuff,
1865
01:35:12.359 --> 01:35:14.039
let's do it. We don't really get into some stuff.
1866
01:35:14.079 --> 01:35:19.159
So there was I struggled very very much with financially
1867
01:35:19.399 --> 01:35:22.399
in my early twenties, or i'll say my mid maybe
1868
01:35:24.000 --> 01:35:26.720
I struggled really bad. And there was a I told
1869
01:35:26.800 --> 01:35:30.079
you about the classmate when I was at Agnes Scott
1870
01:35:30.119 --> 01:35:35.079
College that her mom paid for my semester unprovoked. Now
1871
01:35:35.520 --> 01:35:37.600
I remember her face timing me at like ten thirty
1872
01:35:37.600 --> 01:35:40.239
at night, and I was like, what does this girl want?
1873
01:35:40.840 --> 01:35:43.399
And I feel like, sometimes we can do that and
1874
01:35:43.479 --> 01:35:46.439
we'll miss out on the blessing. So I'm glad that
1875
01:35:46.520 --> 01:35:48.439
I answered because she was like, yeah, my mom just
1876
01:35:48.439 --> 01:35:49.720
wants you to pay for it. You don't have to
1877
01:35:49.720 --> 01:35:51.720
pay us back, like pay it for it. And I
1878
01:35:51.760 --> 01:35:55.479
was like, girl, what? And I just literally could not
1879
01:35:55.560 --> 01:35:58.640
believe somebody that didn't even know me was that generous.
1880
01:35:59.159 --> 01:36:03.199
But she saw something in me and wanted me to
1881
01:36:03.239 --> 01:36:06.039
become a doctor and like loved my you know how
1882
01:36:06.119 --> 01:36:07.680
well I was still able to take care of my
1883
01:36:07.760 --> 01:36:11.760
son in those moments and things like that. Definitely a
1884
01:36:11.800 --> 01:36:14.039
time in my life where I did not tell my
1885
01:36:14.119 --> 01:36:17.039
parents only because I was like, you know, I always
1886
01:36:17.359 --> 01:36:18.279
what your parents are going.
1887
01:36:18.199 --> 01:36:20.640
To understand and yeah, and.
1888
01:36:20.680 --> 01:36:24.079
Also I had issues accepting help, so I wasn't asking
1889
01:36:24.119 --> 01:36:28.359
for it, and so it had to literally get thrown
1890
01:36:28.399 --> 01:36:31.479
in my face multiple times. There was another classmate I
1891
01:36:31.479 --> 01:36:34.840
had at that same school that she did like sermons,
1892
01:36:34.880 --> 01:36:37.760
I think at Emory University, and she was talking to
1893
01:36:38.119 --> 01:36:40.800
an audience one night and didn't use my name or anything,
1894
01:36:40.800 --> 01:36:43.039
but she told a little bit about my testimony at
1895
01:36:43.039 --> 01:36:45.399
the time or what I was going through, and she
1896
01:36:45.439 --> 01:36:48.000
said somebody walked up to her after and gave her
1897
01:36:48.039 --> 01:36:50.319
an envelope and told her to give it to me
1898
01:36:50.359 --> 01:36:53.159
the next day in class, and she was They were
1899
01:36:53.239 --> 01:36:56.359
just like talking about how God told them to prepare
1900
01:36:56.560 --> 01:36:59.560
before the sermon and then bring it to give it
1901
01:36:59.600 --> 01:37:02.239
to her, and they didn't know she would talk about anybody,
1902
01:37:02.239 --> 01:37:05.279
but basically they felt like that's what they were led
1903
01:37:05.319 --> 01:37:08.960
to do, and it was definitely it was literally there
1904
01:37:09.000 --> 01:37:10.439
was money in the envelope. She gave it to me
1905
01:37:10.479 --> 01:37:14.560
the next day and it was enough to like cover
1906
01:37:15.279 --> 01:37:17.560
all of my bills at the time. And the fact
1907
01:37:17.600 --> 01:37:19.560
that this came from a stranger to this day, I
1908
01:37:19.560 --> 01:37:23.760
don't know who that is. And I'm just like if
1909
01:37:23.760 --> 01:37:26.199
I wasn't being open, if I was being closed off,
1910
01:37:26.279 --> 01:37:28.720
Like it's just so many steps in that process, Like
1911
01:37:28.840 --> 01:37:31.680
that person had to be obedient. She had to be
1912
01:37:31.760 --> 01:37:34.000
honest and give me the money, because she could have
1913
01:37:34.000 --> 01:37:38.039
looked in there and been like, what right, she don't
1914
01:37:38.079 --> 01:37:43.520
know about it anyway, you know, trying to tell you
1915
01:37:43.600 --> 01:37:45.560
like I get that bit a sympathy car but that's
1916
01:37:45.600 --> 01:37:51.680
about it. But now seriously, like she had to be
1917
01:37:51.800 --> 01:37:53.920
they had to be obedient, She had to be honest
1918
01:37:53.960 --> 01:37:57.880
and obedient, and that led to me getting blessed in
1919
01:37:57.920 --> 01:38:01.239
a major way at the time for me, But there's
1920
01:38:01.279 --> 01:38:04.199
so many examples of that. There was one time where
1921
01:38:04.600 --> 01:38:06.720
I did have to go to a mental health hospital.
1922
01:38:07.000 --> 01:38:09.119
A lot of people don't know that I know that
1923
01:38:09.159 --> 01:38:13.199
away from my family, which they eventually found out because
1924
01:38:13.279 --> 01:38:15.800
you know, they take your phone when you were there,
1925
01:38:16.079 --> 01:38:18.800
so yeah, they take the phone, you get the socks,
1926
01:38:19.760 --> 01:38:28.600
all right, right, So that was a very tough time
1927
01:38:28.760 --> 01:38:32.840
for me, not just mentally because I said, ain't no
1928
01:38:32.840 --> 01:38:35.760
way I'm up in here. And then when I started
1929
01:38:35.840 --> 01:38:37.880
meeting some of the other women that were like in
1930
01:38:37.960 --> 01:38:41.960
my unit and hearing why they were in here, I said, oh,
1931
01:38:42.000 --> 01:38:45.319
I definitely don't belong in here. Not that people belong
1932
01:38:45.399 --> 01:38:47.079
in those spaces, but it was just kind of like
1933
01:38:47.159 --> 01:38:49.840
I felt like what I was upset about was so
1934
01:38:50.039 --> 01:38:52.760
minute compared to what like one lady lost her son
1935
01:38:52.880 --> 01:38:55.199
he got shot at a party. It was just so
1936
01:38:55.319 --> 01:38:57.359
much like big stuff to me.
1937
01:38:57.840 --> 01:39:01.920
I was like, you, I felt like your trauma didn't match, right.
1938
01:39:02.119 --> 01:39:05.960
I was like, here because of X, Y and Z,
1939
01:39:07.079 --> 01:39:09.159
and I was just like, that does not compare to
1940
01:39:09.199 --> 01:39:11.239
what these women are going through, which they never made
1941
01:39:11.279 --> 01:39:13.960
me feel like that, but God even found me there.
1942
01:39:14.079 --> 01:39:16.439
That's the last person I wanted to talk to. But
1943
01:39:16.560 --> 01:39:19.560
we went to church in a basketball gym. I was
1944
01:39:19.560 --> 01:39:21.159
there for three days, so I think the second day
1945
01:39:21.319 --> 01:39:23.560
was a Sunday, and we went to church in a
1946
01:39:23.600 --> 01:39:26.199
basketball gym, and I did not want to go, but
1947
01:39:26.239 --> 01:39:28.319
I was like everybody else going, so it's either go
1948
01:39:28.520 --> 01:39:32.000
or color or worksheet. I could just go. And I
1949
01:39:32.039 --> 01:39:33.920
remember the guy that was doing the sermon. I don't
1950
01:39:33.920 --> 01:39:36.439
remember what he was talking about, but he came straight
1951
01:39:36.520 --> 01:39:38.960
up to me at the end and like held my
1952
01:39:39.039 --> 01:39:41.199
hands and he was like, God sees you, and he
1953
01:39:41.279 --> 01:39:43.159
was just like telling me all these things that he
1954
01:39:43.239 --> 01:39:45.680
felt like he was hearing from the Lord. And I
1955
01:39:45.920 --> 01:39:47.520
at the time I was just looking at him like
1956
01:39:47.640 --> 01:39:52.159
can you leave me alone? Yeah, But like later on,
1957
01:39:52.239 --> 01:39:55.840
I was like, Wow, God really loves me, and I
1958
01:39:55.880 --> 01:39:58.760
think that's what That's what's been so inspirational for me
1959
01:39:59.319 --> 01:40:03.600
throughout my adulthood is realizing over and over again, like
1960
01:40:03.800 --> 01:40:06.720
you really love me, even when I go through crazy
1961
01:40:06.760 --> 01:40:09.000
stuff and I'm like, what are you doing? What's happening?
1962
01:40:10.079 --> 01:40:12.800
I know from everything that's happened for me in the past,
1963
01:40:12.880 --> 01:40:15.239
like jobs that just got lined up for me, and
1964
01:40:15.239 --> 01:40:19.239
me getting into school, all these programs, like everything that
1965
01:40:19.319 --> 01:40:22.960
has happened that he's gotten me through. I like it's
1966
01:40:23.000 --> 01:40:26.000
his track record. He's like, I've never failed you. Let
1967
01:40:26.039 --> 01:40:28.760
me know one time that something didn't work out in
1968
01:40:28.840 --> 01:40:30.760
your favor the way that I have planned for you.
1969
01:40:31.279 --> 01:40:33.119
And I was like, there's a lot of times too
1970
01:40:33.119 --> 01:40:35.439
where I was like what I wanted, this was so
1971
01:40:35.560 --> 01:40:38.279
much greater. I'm making more here, or if this is
1972
01:40:38.279 --> 01:40:40.560
a more peaceful living situation for me, or this is
1973
01:40:40.760 --> 01:40:45.199
a better relationship. So that's what I think about. I
1974
01:40:45.199 --> 01:40:47.800
think I've just been so in awe of his love
1975
01:40:47.920 --> 01:40:51.199
and that's why I'm like, bruh. I know there's people
1976
01:40:51.199 --> 01:40:54.720
that don't believe, but I'm just like, if you just
1977
01:40:54.960 --> 01:40:58.000
open up a little bit or just let him show you,
1978
01:40:58.079 --> 01:41:02.079
let God do all the work.
1979
01:41:02.680 --> 01:41:05.960
Mustard see the signs are everywhere. I think people choose
1980
01:41:06.079 --> 01:41:08.640
not to see them, and that's you know, that's for
1981
01:41:09.239 --> 01:41:11.439
them and their relationship with God. Everybody has their own
1982
01:41:11.479 --> 01:41:14.920
path or own journey. But the signs are everywhere. If
1983
01:41:14.960 --> 01:41:18.680
you just if you just pay attention, you will see it.
1984
01:41:18.720 --> 01:41:21.119
And it's not you trying to put things and make
1985
01:41:21.199 --> 01:41:25.119
it like seem like, Okay, that was God. Like That's
1986
01:41:25.159 --> 01:41:28.079
why I believe so much. Nobody can ever tell me
1987
01:41:28.199 --> 01:41:33.560
God does not exist. There's no way in hell, you
1988
01:41:33.600 --> 01:41:35.720
know what I'm saying. There's no way somebody could tell
1989
01:41:35.760 --> 01:41:38.039
me God does not exist because I've seen too many
1990
01:41:38.119 --> 01:41:43.359
things that are like coincidences that just shouldn't even have happened, right,
1991
01:41:43.439 --> 01:41:45.560
And like we like to label these things as, oh,
1992
01:41:45.560 --> 01:41:48.119
that's just a coincidence of that, you know, but it's not.
1993
01:41:48.600 --> 01:41:51.319
It's not. It was intentionality. It was planned out, and
1994
01:41:51.319 --> 01:41:53.439
that was the way it should be. So one of
1995
01:41:53.479 --> 01:41:55.359
the things that I want you to end with is
1996
01:41:56.399 --> 01:42:01.239
talking about like how you progress to like where you
1997
01:42:01.279 --> 01:42:04.239
are now, right because I think I didn't even know
1998
01:42:04.279 --> 01:42:06.039
you were in a relationship before we started the pod,
1999
01:42:06.079 --> 01:42:07.600
you know, obviously I asked you and then you told me.
2000
01:42:07.600 --> 01:42:09.199
I was like, okay, great, right, Like, and I feel
2001
01:42:09.199 --> 01:42:12.319
like you're in such a good head space right now,
2002
01:42:12.399 --> 01:42:15.279
Like I think the conversation we had prior you were
2003
01:42:15.279 --> 01:42:17.560
in a different space. Then I can tell you're in
2004
01:42:17.640 --> 01:42:20.359
such a different space now, which is beautiful to see.
2005
01:42:20.560 --> 01:42:23.319
But there's someone that's probably a little bit earlier in
2006
01:42:23.359 --> 01:42:26.920
their journey right where they're potentially a single mom or
2007
01:42:26.920 --> 01:42:29.520
a single dad going through the co parented thing, not
2008
01:42:29.560 --> 01:42:33.359
really loving it, you know, getting out there dating for
2009
01:42:33.399 --> 01:42:35.359
the first time again, and like trying to figure out
2010
01:42:35.359 --> 01:42:38.800
how that works with a child involved. Like what's some
2011
01:42:38.920 --> 01:42:42.239
advice that you can give to them to help them
2012
01:42:42.359 --> 01:42:45.000
navigate that process? Because you've been through it and I
2013
01:42:45.000 --> 01:42:47.239
feel like you're getting you know, you're you're at a
2014
01:42:47.079 --> 01:42:50.119
in a way better space now. So how did you
2015
01:42:50.239 --> 01:42:53.319
cope with the space you were in when you were
2016
01:42:53.359 --> 01:42:54.000
in that space?
2017
01:42:55.600 --> 01:43:04.000
WHOA man? I think there is like not there's not
2018
01:43:04.159 --> 01:43:08.640
one answer to that, But I think it's about grace.
2019
01:43:09.920 --> 01:43:12.119
That has to be one of the ingredients giving grace
2020
01:43:12.159 --> 01:43:15.720
to yourself. If you're not where you want to be
2021
01:43:15.800 --> 01:43:19.680
right now, if you're not healed from something, you don't
2022
01:43:19.720 --> 01:43:22.800
feel healed from something that happened when you were a child,
2023
01:43:22.920 --> 01:43:24.880
or something that happened months ago, you feel like you
2024
01:43:24.880 --> 01:43:28.439
should be over it by now. Man, Definitely, the grace,
2025
01:43:29.520 --> 01:43:32.439
excepting that every day, like this is a journey, every
2026
01:43:32.479 --> 01:43:37.039
day is gonna look different. What you have planned in
2027
01:43:37.079 --> 01:43:39.840
your mind right now may not be It's gonna happen
2028
01:43:39.880 --> 01:43:43.119
or how things are gonna unfold. I think, you know,
2029
01:43:43.760 --> 01:43:47.760
if God is your portion, then definitely, definitely, definitely do
2030
01:43:47.840 --> 01:43:53.319
not navigate this. Don't go another day navigating this without God.
2031
01:43:53.840 --> 01:43:59.560
Lean on the people around you, because I think when
2032
01:43:59.560 --> 01:44:01.439
I was going through a lot of that hard stuff,
2033
01:44:01.560 --> 01:44:04.199
I felt like I was lonely or like my mind
2034
01:44:04.239 --> 01:44:06.560
would trick me into believing nobody was there for me
2035
01:44:06.680 --> 01:44:09.840
just because they couldn't relate. But people can be there
2036
01:44:09.880 --> 01:44:12.279
for you in different ways, and you can be close
2037
01:44:12.319 --> 01:44:15.560
to some people. Are more close to some people in
2038
01:44:15.600 --> 01:44:20.000
certain seasons than others because they have something in them,
2039
01:44:20.079 --> 01:44:21.600
or that might just be the friend that has the
2040
01:44:21.600 --> 01:44:24.479
most capacity right now and they can listen to you event
2041
01:44:24.640 --> 01:44:28.760
and like, go where you can be naked, unashamed, and
2042
01:44:28.840 --> 01:44:31.279
do that as much as possible, and don't get in
2043
01:44:31.319 --> 01:44:34.359
your head about people getting tired of you. There is
2044
01:44:34.439 --> 01:44:36.960
a such thing as like not abusing that. Don't call
2045
01:44:37.000 --> 01:44:41.159
somebody at three am. You got to have boundaries. There's
2046
01:44:41.199 --> 01:44:46.439
a way to do it. Don't I'm saying, don't abuse
2047
01:44:46.560 --> 01:44:51.720
the person and their kindness and their capacity, but lean
2048
01:44:51.840 --> 01:44:55.319
into it when it's available. I already said the grace
2049
01:44:55.399 --> 01:44:57.479
part there was something else I wanted to say, but
2050
01:44:57.920 --> 01:45:01.399
maybe it'll come back to me. But I think, yeah,
2051
01:45:01.520 --> 01:45:04.319
like I'm not I'm still not where I want to be,
2052
01:45:04.800 --> 01:45:07.960
but I am so much better off than I was
2053
01:45:08.479 --> 01:45:11.920
be you saying like you can see the progress over
2054
01:45:11.960 --> 01:45:13.399
a few years means a lot.
2055
01:45:13.319 --> 01:45:14.119
Because.
2056
01:45:15.279 --> 01:45:17.439
Like that growth has happened. But I'm in a place
2057
01:45:17.479 --> 01:45:19.640
too where I can receive that from you, because that's
2058
01:45:19.680 --> 01:45:23.199
a whole nother that's a whole other exercise now that
2059
01:45:23.279 --> 01:45:25.479
I do have, I know I want to marry this man.
2060
01:45:25.520 --> 01:45:27.399
I'm telling you. I know I'm marry this man. But
2061
01:45:28.079 --> 01:45:31.319
I feel like if I had met him a day,
2062
01:45:31.479 --> 01:45:34.479
a week too soon, I wouldn't have been able to
2063
01:45:34.560 --> 01:45:37.319
accept that. I wouldn't have been ready for it. So
2064
01:45:37.359 --> 01:45:40.800
I do feel like our paths virtually crossed when they
2065
01:45:40.800 --> 01:45:44.279
were supposed to. And I don't know, I just I
2066
01:45:44.319 --> 01:45:46.640
love it here, I really do. It's not completely easy
2067
01:45:46.680 --> 01:45:48.319
because again I'm still trying to learn how to sit
2068
01:45:48.359 --> 01:45:51.399
still and rest without feeling guilty. I feel like I'm
2069
01:45:51.439 --> 01:45:54.840
letting people down. But even with that, like there's a
2070
01:45:54.840 --> 01:45:57.039
way to navigate it. Oh, that's what I wanted to say,
2071
01:45:57.079 --> 01:46:00.199
Like life gets bigger around the hard stuff, because I
2072
01:46:00.199 --> 01:46:03.600
don't want to say the hard stuff gets easier because
2073
01:46:04.159 --> 01:46:05.800
you don't know what people are going through right now
2074
01:46:05.840 --> 01:46:08.479
with grief and stuff like that. It can really seem
2075
01:46:08.560 --> 01:46:12.119
like I really do feel like that's one of those
2076
01:46:12.159 --> 01:46:15.680
things that like life has to get bigger around that
2077
01:46:15.720 --> 01:46:18.520
hole that was left. And so that's kind of been
2078
01:46:18.560 --> 01:46:20.880
my perspective that I like, I saw it on social
2079
01:46:20.920 --> 01:46:24.039
media once and I was like, Oh, I like that,
2080
01:46:24.439 --> 01:46:28.000
versus saying, Oh, as time goes on, this won't hurt
2081
01:46:28.000 --> 01:46:31.000
as much, Like you don't know that there's people you
2082
01:46:31.039 --> 01:46:33.079
know who lost somebody ten years ago and it still
2083
01:46:33.119 --> 01:46:35.840
hurts like it just happened. But I do think that,
2084
01:46:35.960 --> 01:46:38.840
you know, life continues to be beautiful. You just have
2085
01:46:38.920 --> 01:46:41.640
to get to a place where you can see it
2086
01:46:41.760 --> 01:46:45.039
or where you're looking for it. Out Yeah, so it's
2087
01:46:45.079 --> 01:46:48.319
hard out here, but you're not in this alone. Like
2088
01:46:48.359 --> 01:46:51.800
we were created for a relationship. They can go find
2089
01:46:51.840 --> 01:46:55.680
that one and created for a relationship, so like it
2090
01:46:55.720 --> 01:46:58.239
doesn't have to be a romantic one, but there is
2091
01:46:58.319 --> 01:47:01.680
someone around you. Maybe it's someone that you serve at
2092
01:47:01.720 --> 01:47:06.479
a job or or volunteer experience or whatever it may
2093
01:47:06.520 --> 01:47:09.359
look like. But there is somebody that you could be
2094
01:47:09.399 --> 01:47:13.359
pouring into even while you are healing, that may need
2095
01:47:13.399 --> 01:47:18.359
your story. Like sometimes just sharing my testimony made me
2096
01:47:19.319 --> 01:47:23.640
made me feel better. Or encouraging somebody while I was down.
2097
01:47:23.680 --> 01:47:25.680
They may not have even known that I was depressed,
2098
01:47:25.960 --> 01:47:29.399
being like you know somebody or you know, encouraging them
2099
01:47:29.399 --> 01:47:31.479
to apply for a program or something like that and
2100
01:47:31.520 --> 01:47:34.000
them coming back like a year later, Like remember when
2101
01:47:34.039 --> 01:47:36.079
we were talking about this, Like I actually just got
2102
01:47:36.079 --> 01:47:39.000
accepted and it was like, dang, I remember how I
2103
01:47:39.000 --> 01:47:42.119
felt at that time and you didn't even know. But
2104
01:47:42.239 --> 01:47:44.640
like this great thing is happening for you. Like so
2105
01:47:44.720 --> 01:47:46.560
there's a lot of different things you can do, but
2106
01:47:47.840 --> 01:47:49.880
just don't navigate it alone. I think that's the most
2107
01:47:49.880 --> 01:47:50.439
important thing.
2108
01:47:51.479 --> 01:47:53.279
I love it. So can you tell the people where
2109
01:47:53.279 --> 01:47:54.920
they can find you, how they get tap in with you,
2110
01:47:55.640 --> 01:47:58.399
the healthcare plug, anything that you got coming up? When
2111
01:47:58.439 --> 01:47:59.960
the wedding is wedding.
2112
01:48:06.720 --> 01:48:09.880
Look, I'm getting that accent now design every time.
2113
01:48:10.640 --> 01:48:12.920
Okay, I see I see.
2114
01:48:13.840 --> 01:48:17.479
No I'm screaming, but yes, I can be found. I'm
2115
01:48:17.560 --> 01:48:20.239
on Instagram. I'm kind of on LinkedIn too, but I
2116
01:48:20.239 --> 01:48:23.439
don't really be checking that thing. Instagram is the best place.
2117
01:48:24.279 --> 01:48:28.000
The healthcare plug all spelled out is where you will
2118
01:48:28.039 --> 01:48:31.760
find my wonderful health care charity. We're preparing right now
2119
01:48:31.880 --> 01:48:34.960
for first off, about to celebrate four years next month,
2120
01:48:36.680 --> 01:48:39.359
thank you, thank you, and then been doing a lot
2121
01:48:39.439 --> 01:48:41.880
of work behind the scenes to prepare for a relaunch
2122
01:48:41.920 --> 01:48:45.920
in January. Sometimes you need to take a step back
2123
01:48:46.000 --> 01:48:50.159
and just get your house in order. So it feels great.
2124
01:48:50.199 --> 01:48:52.800
I have a wonderful team, just brilliant minds. You got
2125
01:48:52.840 --> 01:48:55.079
to have people around you. Don't try to carry your
2126
01:48:55.119 --> 01:48:59.880
purpose by yourself. So yeah, I think it's just due
2127
01:48:59.880 --> 01:49:01.079
to it's been a beautiful time.
2128
01:49:01.159 --> 01:49:05.560
Okay, So the healthcare Plug and then personal Instagram and
2129
01:49:05.600 --> 01:49:07.239
the potentially LinkedIn.
2130
01:49:07.520 --> 01:49:10.720
Potent Okay, if my name is spilled differently with a
2131
01:49:10.720 --> 01:49:14.159
little spice in it, but simone kenya on LinkedIn, it
2132
01:49:14.199 --> 01:49:16.800
may autocorrect, but I have an extra eye in my name,
2133
01:49:16.880 --> 01:49:21.199
so that's me my face. And then personal Instagram is
2134
01:49:21.319 --> 01:49:25.600
it's sim simile, don't have I think, with the underscore underneath,
2135
01:49:25.920 --> 01:49:27.439
but either way you'll see my picture.
2136
01:49:27.520 --> 01:49:30.880
So dope, dope, dope, Simon, thank you so much for
2137
01:49:30.920 --> 01:49:33.159
popping up. I think this has been a really good conversation.
2138
01:49:33.560 --> 01:49:35.800
It's checking the point. We'll do it again at some
2139
01:49:35.840 --> 01:49:38.039
point in time, and then hopefully by that time you
2140
01:49:38.119 --> 01:49:39.960
may or may not be married, or you may be engaged,
2141
01:49:40.079 --> 01:49:41.880
or you know, you know, brother Malcolm, I ain't trying
2142
01:49:41.920 --> 01:49:44.079
to push you and force you or anything, but we
2143
01:49:44.279 --> 01:49:47.039
shall see and be simon. Thank you so much, man,
2144
01:49:47.159 --> 01:49:49.359
this has been dope. I appreciate it for real. Man,
2145
01:49:49.880 --> 01:49:51.800
this has been dope. Thank you so much for watching
2146
01:49:51.800 --> 01:49:55.399
this episode. If you are planning an event or you're
2147
01:49:55.399 --> 01:49:58.840
a part of your organization's Black employee group and you
2148
01:49:58.880 --> 01:50:02.079
are interested in having dope black mental health professionals or
2149
01:50:02.199 --> 01:50:05.399
myself come in and do a speaking engagement or a
2150
01:50:05.439 --> 01:50:10.079
workshop or keynote address or a panel, please click the
2151
01:50:10.119 --> 01:50:13.640
link in our bio on Instagram or TikTok, scroll down
2152
01:50:13.880 --> 01:50:17.119
and click book us for speaking and brand deals, and
2153
01:50:17.159 --> 01:50:20.760
fill out the form available on our website. Once you
2154
01:50:20.800 --> 01:50:22.760
fill out the form, one of our team members will
2155
01:50:22.760 --> 01:50:25.159
get back to you about how we can collaborate and
2156
01:50:25.199 --> 01:50:31.039
create something dope for your organization. This is an unparalleled opportunity.
2157
01:50:31.079 --> 01:50:34.319
We are currently the largest black men's mental health platform,
2158
01:50:34.479 --> 01:50:36.960
and we have a few slots available for our calendar year,
2159
01:50:37.000 --> 01:50:39.359
and we would love to partner with you to create
2160
01:50:39.439 --> 01:50:42.119
something dope for your organization if it makes sense for
2161
01:50:42.199 --> 01:50:45.199
both parties. So go to the link in our bio,
2162
01:50:45.399 --> 01:50:48.640
scroll down click book us for speaking and brand deals
2163
01:50:49.000 --> 01:50:52.159
and fill out that form. If you're not on Instagram,
2164
01:50:52.359 --> 01:50:56.319
the link should be linked in our description of this episode,
2165
01:50:56.600 --> 01:50:58.800
and it is also on our website. If you go
2166
01:50:58.840 --> 01:51:03.239
to express yourself blackman dot com, slash Speaking Dash Brand
2167
01:51:03.520 --> 01:51:08.079
Dash Deals, that's expressed yourself Blackman dot com, slash Speaking,
2168
01:51:08.640 --> 01:51:13.279
Dash Brand Dash Deals. If you are looking for a therapist,
2169
01:51:13.439 --> 01:51:17.079
a black therapist, and you've had a hard time finding one,
2170
01:51:17.119 --> 01:51:19.479
you jumped from therapists to therapists, or you just don't
2171
01:51:19.520 --> 01:51:22.279
know how to find a therapist, we are teaching a
2172
01:51:22.399 --> 01:51:26.119
free webinar. It's completely free, taking you from not knowing
2173
01:51:26.159 --> 01:51:28.279
how to find a therapist, not knowing where to search
2174
01:51:28.319 --> 01:51:31.880
for therapists, struggling with finding good therapists, for you not
2175
01:51:32.000 --> 01:51:34.640
knowing what to look for in therapists, teaching you all
2176
01:51:34.680 --> 01:51:38.079
of those different things, and also giving you the opportunity
2177
01:51:38.079 --> 01:51:40.159
at the end of the webinar to be connected with
2178
01:51:40.159 --> 01:51:42.600
one of our Safe Haven healers who are black mental
2179
01:51:42.600 --> 01:51:44.920
health professionals so that you do not have to go
2180
01:51:45.000 --> 01:51:48.720
through the struggles of finding a black therapist alone anymore.
2181
01:51:48.800 --> 01:51:50.880
Right So, if you're interested in that, you want to
2182
01:51:50.920 --> 01:51:53.319
get connected with a black mental health professional at the
2183
01:51:53.399 --> 01:51:55.119
end of the webinar, or you just want to learn
2184
01:51:55.199 --> 01:51:58.600
how to find a black therapist by yourself, you can
2185
01:51:58.680 --> 01:52:00.960
sign up for the free webinar. It's linked in our
2186
01:52:00.960 --> 01:52:04.239
bio on Instagram and TikTok. You just click that free
2187
01:52:04.239 --> 01:52:06.720
webinar link. Once you click the link in our bio
2188
01:52:06.840 --> 01:52:09.800
and fill out the form. You can also find it
2189
01:52:09.920 --> 01:52:13.600
on our website at express yourself blackman dot com slash
2190
01:52:13.720 --> 01:52:17.399
links and fill out the form there for our next
2191
01:52:17.640 --> 01:52:21.239
webinar session. If you're not interested in any of that, right,
2192
01:52:21.279 --> 01:52:23.880
but you know someone that may be interested in it,
2193
01:52:24.079 --> 01:52:26.239
all we ask is that you please share it. If
2194
01:52:26.279 --> 01:52:28.279
you want someone to merch that we show on the
2195
01:52:28.319 --> 01:52:31.279
platform all the time, that we're wearing on the platform
2196
01:52:31.319 --> 01:52:33.880
all the time. You can shop it at shop dot
2197
01:52:33.920 --> 01:52:37.159
express yourself blackman dot com. And once again, we just
2198
01:52:37.239 --> 01:52:39.279
want to say thank you so much for watching this episode,
2199
01:52:39.279 --> 01:52:41.760
thank you so much for supporting us. Please, if you
2200
01:52:41.840 --> 01:52:46.199
are on YouTube, leave a like subscribe, comment. If you're
2201
01:52:46.279 --> 01:52:50.159
listening to this on an audio platform, please leave a review.
2202
01:52:50.239 --> 01:52:52.359
It helps us out greatly. Thank you so much for
2203
01:52:52.359 --> 01:52:54.560
your support. We wishing you nothing but the best. You're
2204
01:52:54.600 --> 01:52:57.600
sending you and your family and your loved ones love
2205
01:52:57.680 --> 01:53:03.800
and like peaces. I know you feel like you ain't
2206
01:53:03.840 --> 01:53:06.159
got no wady to speaks. It showed it lean know
2207
01:53:06.239 --> 01:53:08.600
know somebody you could appreciate her. I ain't easy heavy
2208
01:53:08.760 --> 01:53:12.279
my brother all we got ways, so much to left for,
2209
01:53:13.279 --> 01:53:14.520
We got where want to live