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Welcome back to the Erotic Devotion Podcast.
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I'm your host, Grace Alardice.
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Hey everyone.
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Welcome.
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And today we're going to talk about three ways that you are likely leaking your power.
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And if you're listening to this in real time, in my world, in my newsletter, and in my membership, we're going hard, going fun, going down into the challenges and the gifts and the faces that we find in the underworld.
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And often what can emerge if we navigate the underworld with prowess and awareness is that we emerge with a deeper sense of ourself and we emerge with a deeper sense of power.
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And the word power can be a lot for people.
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There's, I hear a lot of spiritual people in particular talk about how power is bad and power is for the bad people.
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And power is actually what you need to survive.
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It's what you need to be alive, not to mention go after what you want, embody what it you want to embody, go towards what you want to go towards.
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All of that requires a great deal of embodied personal power.
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And so we're going to talk about some of the most common ways that I see people leaking it.
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So even if you are, you know, in this place in your life where you still have a lot of like wiggles to get out as far as embodying power, at least the very least, you can stop leaking it and giving it away, even if you're not currently available for embodying more of it, which I hope that you are at some point.
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So a lot of the emails that I've been getting for the past couple of years really inspired this episode.
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And it goes something like this: there's this loop that I see people on, and then they feel like their newsletter is the place to like explode all of their pain around it.
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But especially from a lot of spiritual people, especially like a lot of women in the spiritual space who are modeling like feminine ways of being and quote, feminine leadership and all of this.
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And they're all they've become a little bit predictable.
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Um, it's quieted down in the past couple of weeks, but whenever the news kind of spikes, I see a spike in this particular kind of behavior.
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And they model very well the leaks that I'm going to talk about here.
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And so one of them is sort of step one to how you're leaking power is enmeshing with the collective.
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And also thinking that that's your moral responsibility, that it's your duty.
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And if you're not enmeshing with the collective, then you somehow like don't care.
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And it looks something like the news all the time from every corner of the planet with photos and video of whatever terror is happening currently, and also everyone else's personal reaction to it, and also like I'm so bothered, now I have to tell everyone about it, and now my whole life is falling apart, and I can hardly function and make it stop.
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Right?
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This is a familiar vibe.
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And this is also a sign that whenever it feels like this, and most of the people reacting in this way are reacting to things that aren't actually tangibly physically happening to them.
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It doesn't mean we don't have a way to care about things that aren't directly happening to us.
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But what I am saying is that the global scale is bigger than the scale of your actual lived experience.
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Your physical body is not capable of digesting the collective experience, and neither is that your job.
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And so when people are overly consuming headlines, overly consuming media, overly consuming the world's drama, we have a story that that's because we care so much.
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But really, it's your system caught in a loop of freaking out, stress, disempowerment, and then something in your system thinks that like knowing what's next is going to somehow generate this well sense of well-being, this sense of safety, but of course it doesn't because there is always something terrible going on all the time, and we just now have more exposure to it all of the time.
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And it is literally impossible to hold, to quote, hold the collective.
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It's not possible for you to process for the collective uh or enact your will on the entire collective.
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It is sort of, I use the analogy of a flower a lot when I'm talking about gifts and presents.
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It's literally like if you were looking at a single flower, prop, like planted in concrete, right?
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Which most people are right now, planted in some form of concrete.
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And literally, this this dandelion is like, I'll hold up the falling skyscraper.
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Like from the outside, we're like clearly that's not an equation that works or even makes sense.
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But then the dandelion is like, why do I feel so powerless and overwhelmed?
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It's like, because you're not orienting to the right load and the right story for what it is you are, how well resourced, how well, how deep down your roots go.
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Speaking of going down, roots go down into the underworld.
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And so if you're really oriented towards processing for the collective, feeling really righteous about that, feeling obligated about that, then you will increasingly lose your orientation to like who you actually are, what your actual load is, where you actually are, and what you are.
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And a big part of that is embracing your mortal limitations in time and space, not as obstacles, but as actually gifts to your experience.
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So, as this metaphor with the flower attempting to hold up the skyscraper, right?
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That's a losing game.
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That's there's never gonna be a day where the dandelion is able to do that, no matter how much it tries, goes to weight training.
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It's like that equation is never gonna balance out because that's not its job.
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That's not what it was designed to do.
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That's not the scale that it's designed to hold.
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It's not the scale it was designed to nourish or process for or digest for.
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And it literally can never have the strength, the capacity, the resource to accomplish that task.
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It doesn't mean it's failing.
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It doesn't mean it's terrible, and it doesn't mean it doesn't care.
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It just means that that's not what it was made to do.
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So that would be like such a heartbreak of a waste of a life if we were constantly comparing the value, the worthiness of this dandelion to how well it can hold up the top-link skyscraper.
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Do you see how that doesn't make sense?
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It doesn't have the innate strength, capacity, and design to actually do that.
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And in a similar way, quote, processing for the collective is above your pay grade.
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That's not your job.
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It doesn't mean that you don't care about the world.
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It doesn't mean that you don't care about the people around you, but we need to like deflate our egos in a really big way around this.
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Like the idea that like somehow you are special and important and strong enough to just like quote, process for the entire collective is like a really big inflation of the ego, actually.
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And we tend to not think of it that way because it feels so terrible and it hurts so much.
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We're like, it's not inflating, it's me giving myself, but actually, it is just inflating your ego and it's also hurting you.
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And it's important here to start to distinguish and get some separation and some definition because that's the thing about our bodies.
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They actually can't and will not thrive without that sense of definition, right?
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That's usually like somatics 101.
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Like this, these are my edges.
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This is my space, this is where I end and you begin.
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Like we need a healthy, embodied experience of what that is if we want to feel safe, cared for, strong, empowered in our lives.
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And so that goes also when we're feeling overly enmeshed with a collective, then it's showing that on a lot of layers of our being, emotionally, mentally, physically, perhaps even spiritually, we're way too enmeshed with other people's experiences.
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And when that's happening, we're also of use and of purpose to no one.
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So what's happening to someone else isn't actually happening to you.
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And it can get really confusing when we have so much media, we have so much video, right?
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Those of you that are really sensitive and empathic, I'm definitely this way.
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Like it's easy to digest the experience, completely lose our edge, and then metabolize it as if it happened to us.
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And then we're trying to do that at scale and also trying to manage our own lives.
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And it's not actually possible.
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And so responding as if everything happening out there is also happening to you, it diminishes their experience for one.
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Like people who are actually undergoing a very great tragedy, harm, difficulty at any given moment, it diminishes their experience to also be like, oh yeah, me too.
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Like that's not really what's happening.
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Um, and it also disempowers you to be of service.
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Like you're not actually able to be of service.
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You're not actually able to show up with a well of passion and compassion and influence because you have left your domain.
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You're not actually inhabiting the responsibilities and the edges that are actually yours.
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It's sort of like never being in your house and always being in everybody else's house and then wanting to invite people over for dinner, but only to find no one is ever there and the fridge is empty, right?
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And so, if I say that differently, it's like people are so oriented to what's going on with the collective.
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They're so enmeshed with it, and they're so distracted that they are not actually turning towards who they're actually with, the life they actually have, and the people, the situations, the circumstances, and the culture where actually they can have the most impact.
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They're staying in relation to the abstract, what's out there, rather than being in relation in this tangibility, in this closeness, in this actual intimacy.
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And I think actually that's where sometimes a more avoidance can be secretly happening underneath this, like a fear of like if I really show up in the tangible and in the intimate and in the proximal and what is around me, um, that will actually ask something of me.
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And there can be some fear around that.
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Whereas there isn't actually anything truly asked of you when you're enmeshing with the collective.
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It just feels terrible and it feels like we're paying a price.
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So the abstract enmeshing with the collective is going to continue to feed that sense of powerlessness, helplessness, that vague sense of like distress and perpetual grieving that actually doesn't have a connection to a deep sense of like love and intimacy in your life.
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And again, that's just going to be a sign that you're leaking power, you're leaking orientation, you're leaking the ways that you could actually turn towards a more intimate, tangible, relational impact, service, and even joy in the place where you actually are.
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And so something that you could do instead is to honor your actual limits, right?
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You are not the Marvel superhero with the fate of the world resting on your shoulders.
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I know I've said this on the podcast before.
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Like the world is literally not resting on your shoulders.
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Like you could stay in bed all day tomorrow and the world would continue.
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And even if the world were on your shoulders, which it's not, um, even all those Marvel superheroes have limits, right?
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So being of true service, living your vocation, bringing your creative destiny, all of that can only happen if you are right-sized to what your roots allow.
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And even if your roots could go down deeper, you could be more widely resourced and more right widely nourished.
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And even if you could be planted more pleasurably, you still must honor your limitations, which include your mental capacity, your embodied capacity, time, financial capacity?
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All of those can be stretched, and yet even when they are, there are still limits, right?
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As a mere mortal, which we are right now.
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And so what's one thing you can do really well?
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What's one part of your life or one person or one story that you can bring your whole heart to?
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That's really going to ask something of you.
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Who can you actually love?
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Who can you actually care for, not in an abstract way, but really, really well?
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And this this is honoring the amount of time that you really have, money that you really have, time, desire.
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That's what one can do.
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And that's right sizing, meeting your true capacity, which will ask more of you, even though the perimeter of your caring appears smaller.
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And once you've got that down and you start to have some leftover reserve, you can reach back out, call me back.
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We can work on that.
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Um, but right now, especially for people who tend to enmesh very easily with other people's experiences, uh, learning these edges and learning these limits is going to be just ground zero foundation for any level of feeling resourced and being of service, much less bubbling over into what I would call ecstatic service.
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We have to really get an honest edge in what is really yours to carry, which is much smaller than what you're trying to process and carry on your back currently for most people.
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Number two is hyper-attuning to pain and prey experiences and suffering.
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And so breaking that down in our kind of mainstream, you know, I can only speak for the culture where I live and that I'm most familiar with, but it seems to be common.
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This mainstream kind of Western overculture, especially in America, in its default position, it conditions you to be prey.
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You are conditioned to be obedient, small, to roll over and play dead if anything scary happens.
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Um, and so all of the sort of good girl behavior and the paradigms that I talk through on other episodes, those are sort of my shorthand way of saying, like, you're stuck here.
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You are stuck in like the maiden mode, you are stuck in the victim mode, and you are stuck in the prey mode.
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And, you know, for some people who are experiencing acute trauma, that's an accurate response.
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And for a lot of people, that's just where you're stuck.
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It's just kind of all that you know how to do.
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But of course, it feels terrible and it feels powerless and helpless, and you're not really sure what that nagging sense is.
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Like, why do I still feel helpless?
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Why do I still feel powerless?
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Why does I still feel in pain?
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Even if on the outside you're being quite successful or you're good at your job, you're killing it, you're raising your kids, you got a bonus at work, like you just finished your degree, but on the inside, there's still this sense of like cowering and fear when it comes to going towards the world or going towards intimacy or even looking at what you would want to call your creative aspirations or your relationship.
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And it's maybe it has roots in trauma, um, and maybe you've done a lot of healing work.
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Either way, sometimes we're using the word trauma when actually what we mean is like we could just feel better and we don't know what's going on because we don't have, as a culture, a really well-attuned sense of like our full range.
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So, prey animals, if we think um, you know, bunny rabbits, for instance, deer, etc., they have a vast range of intelligences and skills.
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They're very intelligent, they're very skillful, and that needs to be honored, right?
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There's not one kind of response that's better than another.
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But those are not the only responses available.
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They're not the only intelligences available.
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And if you want to feel more capable and even more energized in your life, not to mention more passionate in your life, you're gonna have to get a wider range of experience available besides just responding like a bunny rabbit.
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So a healthy, functional, powerful leader system is gonna have to have access to also this other side, these more like predator intelligences and skills.
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Like if we think of these jaguars, leopards, even bears, wolves, some kinds of birds, right?
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And people get really upset about that word.
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But actually, like from a natural ecosystem perspective, predators are essential to any flourishing environment.
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And we also are not conflating predator with perpetrator, that those are not the same thing.
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And so the difference between a nervous system that's stuck in survival and fear, and one that's actually powerful, is like, how can we access this full range so that we can more skillfully attune to our lives and to the moment that we're actually in with a wider range of choices as to what's informing our presence and our decision making and even your intuition, right?
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Without all of these, um, without this wider base for your system, the window of your intuition and your impulses is extremely limited and extremely small.
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And so even following your intuition will likely lead to more prey-like experiences.
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But the more you widen your system, you widen your spectrum inside, the your intuition, your decision making, the field that you're able to perceive, the amount of choices and possibilities you're able to perceive, that widens as well.
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And so your intuition is open more to uh find a target, find a yes within a wider range of experiences rather than a smaller range of experiences that you're just used to.
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So a response prey system is always nervously looking around for safety.
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Uh, a predator prowls the jungle like it's their kingdom, it's their domain because it is, right?
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It manages the ecosystem of their domain like it's their responsibility, which it is.
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And the predator's not going around asking for permission to have breakfast.
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Like, can I have breakfast?
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Were you going to eat that?
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Right?
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The wolf isn't like, I'm so sorry, but I'm having breakfast right now.
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Is this gonna disturb you?
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No, they just like go in, get what they're having for breakfast.
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They defend it if someone else comes up to get it and it's theirs.
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They're not worried, wondering if it hurts someone's feelings if they look super strong and in charge today, right?
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It's about right sizing the power and the capability and the spectrum like to their domain so that they can actually manage their domain really well.
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And it serves the whole ecosystem when we do that.
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You know, everyone knows about like reintroducing the wolves back to Yellowstone, right?
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And how that actually was um ended up being a very like positive, regenerative thing for that whole climate.
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And another thing is that like the predator system, not only is it not asking for permission, not only is it like rightly sized, rightly attuned to its appetites and impulses in a way that's attuned to the environment and attuned to themselves, but it's also not looking around for anyone else to make them feel safe, right?
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If they're the king of the jungle, for instance, um they're not like like they're at the top of the food chain.
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They're not like, oh, someone else will make me feel safe.
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Like they realize that it's their job to feel safe.
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It's their job to make them feel safe.
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And so what I think what most people think they're doing when they're taking on so much, when they're taking on way more than their system can handle, is they think they're being compassionate for people who are injured.
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But what they're really doing is they're obsessing over an experience that matches with how they currently feel.
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So as if it actually happened and keeps happening to you, which it didn't, right?
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If you're watching it on social media, like it's not happening to you right now.
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And so feeling injured, then absorbing that prey experience as if it is happening to you, responding as if it's happening to you, that's once again just reinforcing this pattern and this very limited scope of experience, this limited scope of responses.
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And rather than widening what you're capable of, widening your field, widening your power, it's it's digging a deeper hole into an experience that you already have and probably already doesn't feel great, a place where you feel kind of trapped.
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And so it leaves you often feeling overwhelmed, scared, confused, alone, looking for safety in whatever ways you've got established groups.
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For that.
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And so learning how to stop absorbing other people's emotions as if they're yours starts when by noticing like when are when are you borrowing other people's pain?
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And that's not the same thing as caring.
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And so all it's doing is reinforcing your patterns of like hypervigilance, anxiety, freezing, fawning, frustration, depression, collapse, all of those things.
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And then of course, you're not going towards what you want.
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You're not embodying who your soul already kind of knows who you are.
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You're not moving towards your creative destiny.
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You're not making your work.
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You're not showing up in your relationships, all these things that make you feel fulfilled.
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And so then you're like, oh no, I'm worthless, I feel powerless, whatever those things are.
00:26:19.910 --> 00:26:35.029
So it steals all of your presence and capacity when we're stuck in this loop for the life that you actually have, for what actually is yours to do and what actually the ecosystem around you would long for you to do and would long for you to be.
00:26:35.670 --> 00:26:49.829
And so if we don't have access to that full level of our presence, then I don't know that there's much that we could do that would really matter because your presence is the most important treasure that you have.
00:26:50.069 --> 00:26:54.470
And so without your presence, your life is happening, but you're not there.
00:26:54.630 --> 00:26:59.750
You're not tasting it, you're not feeling it, you're not contributing to it, you're not receiving from it.
00:27:00.390 --> 00:27:04.870
The garden might even be thriving, but it's not because of you and you're not enjoying it.
00:27:05.029 --> 00:27:16.870
And so you will find yourselves, if you don't have your full presence here because it's so drained from and meshing with pain and other people's pain, is that you do feel drained and you feel numb.
00:27:17.029 --> 00:27:31.589
And so we could also think of power as this resource, this source that can fuel and fire a more full presence, a more capable, coherent presence with who you truly are.
00:27:31.829 --> 00:27:37.269
And so even when there is a call that you could answer, then you can.
00:27:37.430 --> 00:27:48.150
But if your presence, your power is low, if you're constantly drained and you're living in a very small tunnel of emotions and loops, then you won't answer the call.
00:27:48.230 --> 00:27:49.430
You won't be able to.
00:27:49.670 --> 00:27:53.670
And so what can we do instead?
00:27:53.910 --> 00:27:55.190
That I've already said.
00:27:55.349 --> 00:28:14.870
Um, if you're enmeshing with the collective, and then on top of that, primarily enmeshing with victim experiences, then you are going to be stuck in reactive, reactivity and not creativity, which is where most people feel more empowered and more like they're in their full presence and their full destiny and their full self.
00:28:15.109 --> 00:28:23.750
And so the it's possible that even though that loop of wounding feels terrible, that it actually is a comfort zone.
00:28:23.990 --> 00:28:30.710
It's a way that we feel comfortable, it's a way of being that we feel comfortable in, and then we're easily knocked back into it.
00:28:30.870 --> 00:28:42.069
And like I said earlier, this image of like widening to be able to hold and have a capacity for a wider range of experiences and stories is going to be really important.
00:28:42.549 --> 00:28:56.950
So a real level of healing can happen when you stop confusing everyone else's experiences as yours and making them your personal responsibility to quote fix anything and everything happening on the globe.
00:28:57.190 --> 00:29:05.910
And that's it does feel like compassion, but it's actually more of this like childlike empathy and it's an over-identification.
00:29:06.150 --> 00:29:13.109
Like I said earlier, it's also this inflation of like how important you are and what your role actually is in the story.
00:29:13.430 --> 00:29:23.750
And this, if we don't heal this, it will continue to feel like power is always leaking out this bottomless pit until we choose to heal it and stop the leak.
00:29:23.910 --> 00:29:39.029
And so, like I teach inside of my work, inside of Ma as well, like true compassion can only emerge from this foundation of wholeness, from something that's being sourced by power and passion.
00:29:39.109 --> 00:29:41.430
And without that, we don't have compassion.
00:29:41.670 --> 00:29:52.789
And so, this over-identification with other people's experiences, victim experiences, that's actually blocking what you need to be compassionate rather than actually being caring.
00:29:54.069 --> 00:30:09.750
And then finally, my favorite is um number three, is another way you're leaking your power that I'm talking about today, is that offering outrage and like botheredness as an act of service.
00:30:09.990 --> 00:30:11.990
So let's let's rewind here.
00:30:12.150 --> 00:30:29.750
So if we've been enmeshing with the collective, if we've been over-identifying in particular with other people's pain and prey experiences, victim experiences, wounding en masse, as if they are personally yours, of course, that's going to feel terrible.
00:30:30.069 --> 00:30:39.269
And it's going to feed that sense of smallness, powerlessness, like you're not doing enough, incredibly anxious, always looking over your shoulder.
00:30:39.430 --> 00:30:51.670
And then when your system attempts to recover, because that feels so bad, and also because you need power to survive, your body knows that, even though we have, you know, verbal arguments against that.
00:30:51.750 --> 00:30:54.950
Like you actually do need power to survive.
00:30:55.349 --> 00:31:00.230
Your system attempts to recover and it comes out just as outrage.
00:31:00.549 --> 00:31:04.789
Or if you're in spiritual circles, it's like sacred rage is the new thing.
00:31:05.029 --> 00:31:12.150
Um, right now, though, it's worth naming like this is spiritual bypassing in like real time.
00:31:12.390 --> 00:31:19.910
So it's basically your system is wildly dysregulated, and then we dress it up as devotion and call it sacred.
00:31:20.150 --> 00:31:38.870
And so, and then once the outrage is catharted and expressed out into the world, discharged onto like your followers, your newsletter, whatever, then your system, because it can't hold that level of intensity, collapses into sadness and shutdown and hopelessness and maybe even sickness.
00:31:39.430 --> 00:31:54.549
And so if we're wondering how to stop feeling helpless and powerless, this cycle, this rage, collapse, repeat, and mesh, that's the mirror for the Ferris wheel of how where this water is always getting poured out of you.
00:31:54.710 --> 00:31:56.230
It's not a character flaw.
00:31:56.390 --> 00:31:57.589
There's nothing wrong with you.
00:31:57.750 --> 00:32:09.509
There's just a way that some of these holes need to be plugged so that you can build some real substance and actually feel yourself filled up, which a lot of people don't actually have a felt sense of what that is.
00:32:09.750 --> 00:32:17.109
And so I've said it before, I'll say it again, that like your botheredness is not your act of service.
00:32:17.269 --> 00:32:21.509
Your offense, your outrage, being offended is not an act of service.
00:32:21.670 --> 00:32:25.029
You know, being obliged isn't necessarily a vocation.
00:32:25.349 --> 00:32:31.109
You know, expressing your wounding constantly is not necessarily your creative destiny.
00:32:32.069 --> 00:32:51.190
And yet, for a lot of people, if we were to take those things away, let's say we took the guilt away, the things that you do from guilt, the things you do from obligation, the things you do from your wounding, if we took your botheredness away, if we took your outrage away, then for a lot of people, they'd be like, um, like everything I do is motivated by that.
00:32:51.349 --> 00:32:53.750
There wouldn't be anything left to give.
00:32:54.150 --> 00:32:55.430
But actually, there is.
00:32:55.670 --> 00:32:57.029
They just don't know what it is.
00:32:57.190 --> 00:32:59.910
And that is a really important space to sit with.
00:32:59.990 --> 00:33:12.150
That's what a lot of people need to be sitting with, is like pulling back all of those things and really sitting with what remains or the space of what remains and seeing what can emerge from that.
00:33:12.870 --> 00:33:21.750
I have yet to see the legacy of any enlightened master or mistress whose legacy was outrage and being bothered by reality.
00:33:22.470 --> 00:33:28.549
That's not generally the sign of enlightenment, is like, I'm so bothered, be bothered with me.
00:33:28.710 --> 00:33:35.910
And even if we look at like the wrathful deities, you know, when they're coming for someone, they're not coming for the person bothering you, usually.
00:33:36.069 --> 00:33:39.750
They're coming for your ego, which loves to be outraged, right?
00:33:39.829 --> 00:33:42.789
We feel important when we're upset, when we're bothered.
00:33:43.109 --> 00:34:03.589
The legacy is often usually orienting to a deeper way about how reality works, where your sovereignty lies, how our vision can be cleaned up, and how we can experience a deeper sense of power that affects transformation both within us and without us.
00:34:03.750 --> 00:34:07.750
But it doesn't generally look like perpetual botheredness, right?
00:34:07.829 --> 00:34:12.550
I think about, you know, Mary Magdalene is a big influence, a big thread for my work.
00:34:12.710 --> 00:34:16.869
Like the legacy could easily have been, fuck the patriarchy, I'm so upset.
00:34:16.949 --> 00:34:19.269
You murdered people I love for no good reason.
00:34:19.349 --> 00:34:21.269
But like, that's not the legacy.
00:34:21.510 --> 00:34:34.869
The legacy is like passion, repose, silence, peace, compassion that you can only get to when you get on a cellular level when you get that love is stronger than death.
00:34:35.109 --> 00:34:39.190
That's the thing that I think we found that the legacy has left.
00:34:39.750 --> 00:34:42.789
And so back to offerings of upsetness.
00:34:43.269 --> 00:34:49.349
My favorite metric for whether something really is worth your time and energy is the deathbed.
00:34:50.470 --> 00:35:04.230
So who on their deathbed anticipates that like your top three reflections are gonna be, wow, I wish I had spent more time being dysregulated, being upset, being numbed out by the world.
00:35:04.550 --> 00:35:08.550
I wish I had shared more of my botheredness with all of my newsletter.
00:35:08.710 --> 00:35:19.109
If only, you know, the people who were so mean and so bad, even though they're already dead, if only they had been able to read my post about how upset I am, like no one's gonna be saying that on their deathbed.
00:35:19.190 --> 00:35:27.269
And so that automatically cuts it away as anything remotely important to who you are and what you're here to do and who you're here to be.
00:35:28.390 --> 00:36:57.109
What will be highly likely a reflection from the deathbed, regardless of what decade, what century it is, regardless of what the news says, what will be on your mind at that time is going to be how well you loved your life and yourself and the people in your life, how well you stewarded the things that were yours to touch, the land, the beings, how well you stewarded your creative destiny, how well you flourished in your gifts, how much you kissed your partner, how long you lingered at the dinner table, how much time you spent with your kids, the quality of the time you spent, how much deliciousness you savored, how present you were with all that was in your life, all the sensations and the flowers and the sunsets, all those breezes blowing across your face and the hair on your arms, and the taste of your favorite warm beverage, and how well you allowed yourself to be filled up, and how much you expressed your creativity, and how well your choices and your desires lined up, and how much you smelled the roses, and how much you sang and touched and reveled in the things that you can enjoy, all the things that you can only feel in your body, that's what's gonna come up as really, really important.
00:36:57.510 --> 00:37:03.190
And that kind of life and that kind of living is gonna be a gift to everyone, including you.
00:37:04.390 --> 00:37:11.029
And so, what could we do instead than offering perpetually our botheredness as an act of service?
00:37:11.670 --> 00:37:24.789
Can we get very curious and make it a contemplation for a while and get really quiet and be like, okay, if I wasn't offering perpetually my offense and my outrage, what could I offer instead?
00:37:24.949 --> 00:37:32.150
If I wasn't always offering out of guilt or obligation or my wounding, what would who would I have to become?
00:37:32.309 --> 00:37:33.590
What would I offer instead?
00:37:33.750 --> 00:37:35.269
What space would that make?
00:37:35.510 --> 00:37:38.230
And it might feel empty at first, and that's okay.
00:37:38.470 --> 00:37:50.550
But you might have more energy to become something, to heal more, if that energy wasn't perpetually being leaked and spent in these other ways.
00:37:51.989 --> 00:37:53.750
Something else could arise.
00:37:55.270 --> 00:37:57.270
You may not know the answer right now.
00:37:57.430 --> 00:37:58.229
That is okay.
00:37:58.390 --> 00:38:01.670
You may have to go to the underworld to find out, and that's okay.
00:38:01.750 --> 00:38:17.670
But rather than rushing to fill, if it does feel empty, rather than rushing to fill it, can you just be with that emptiness and that silence and that lack of reactivity and that lack of rushing and that lack of feeling like, oh, I have to respond, I have to give this?
00:38:17.829 --> 00:38:23.430
What if we could just not and see what else could arise that's perhaps more true?
00:38:24.310 --> 00:38:33.750
So if processing for the collective and if enmeshing with other people's experience and with being upset all the time isn't actually your job, like where does that leave us?
00:38:34.229 --> 00:38:42.470
And it leaves, it leaves you primarily to your own becoming, your own presence, your true domain, your ecosystem.
00:38:42.949 --> 00:38:54.149
And while it may look less important and less dramatic on the outside, it will ask a lot more of you than all of these things that are actually leaking your power.
00:38:55.430 --> 00:39:02.869
And also what it does ask of you will be fulfillment and it will be meaning and devotion.
00:39:03.029 --> 00:39:08.949
It will be really worthy of a life's work, really worthy of something that you'll look back on and feel like, oh, I did it.
00:39:09.189 --> 00:39:09.670
I did it.
00:39:09.750 --> 00:39:12.310
And other people will be so blessed by it.
00:39:13.350 --> 00:39:30.869
And so to be centered in your vocation, which is what so many people want, to really be centered in true intimacy and exchange with in your relationships, then you have to be centered in your presence and in your body and in your experience with all of its limitations and beauties.
00:39:31.670 --> 00:39:55.590
To be a leader of anything new, rather than, you know, if we're just rearranging the furniture, if to really vision and lead something new, you have to really have a real tree trunk that goes really far down and a really sensitive antenna that's strong enough to reach up and above the weather that's just happening in the immediate vicinity, the immediate feeling, right?
00:39:55.750 --> 00:40:04.149
What's more true, what's more rooted, what's more aware, what's got a stronger center, a more resourced capacity?
00:40:05.029 --> 00:40:23.750
And if you really want to be in this full creative gifts and destiny, then finding that center, that part of you that is the eye of the storm, is gonna be something that you need to learn to feel and cultivate and develop rather than feeling always like you're caught up in the tornado.
00:40:23.909 --> 00:40:32.949
And when we're caught up in the tornado, that's usually when we're gonna be the one causing the most damage, even though we're also having a terrible time at the same time.
00:40:35.029 --> 00:40:43.270
And if you want to be a lover of not just yourself, the people in your life, but even of the world, then you need to have a cup that's full enough.
00:40:43.350 --> 00:40:47.029
You need to be having enough pleasure and presence in your system.
00:40:47.189 --> 00:40:55.909
You need to be having a good enough time that your partner doesn't feel like they have to solve the entire world's problems and suffering if they want to touch you, right?
00:40:55.989 --> 00:40:59.109
That can't be the exchange because that's not a real exchange.
00:40:59.430 --> 00:41:24.550
And so we really need to locate and deepen and root into these pleasurable roots that are also limitations, that also nourish a sense of power, which is going to feed your sense of presence, which will give you the ability to feel passion, which will then show you where compassion actually lies.
00:41:24.949 --> 00:41:26.630
You turn it on.
00:41:26.869 --> 00:41:34.789
If no one else has your power, if you don't actually have to take it back, but you grow it up and you turn it on.
00:41:34.949 --> 00:41:36.710
No one else has it.
00:41:37.029 --> 00:41:59.430
You have it, and you're giving it away when you do all of these things, and you don't have to give it away, just keep it, grow it up, turn it on, and you will find that you have so much more fullness and power and presence to share in a way that's healing for you and not just keeping in a state of perpetual turmoil and cycle.
00:41:59.590 --> 00:42:00.789
That's the real alternative.
00:42:00.949 --> 00:42:05.029
If we're not gonna spiritually bypass and be like, I feel terrible, let's call it sacred.
00:42:05.109 --> 00:42:10.630
Um, like maybe it is, but if it's happening all the time, like that, I think actually just the range is really small, right?
00:42:10.789 --> 00:42:21.189
We need to have this honest, beautiful return to the body, the embodied experience that you actually live in and the capacity you actually have, and letting that be enough.
00:42:21.270 --> 00:42:27.109
And you'll find when you right-size that cup that you start to feel enough and like you're good enough.
00:42:27.270 --> 00:42:33.750
And then we start to have a much more intimate exchange with life and with our destiny.
00:42:35.189 --> 00:42:39.109
If that sounds super easy for you, check, check, check, absolutely wonderful.
00:42:39.189 --> 00:42:44.069
Um, and if it sounds like something that you would like support and help in, you can come into any door of my work.
00:42:44.149 --> 00:42:53.189
And this is a really strong thread, a really strong component, and something I'm very passionate about helping people anchor into and love into and enjoy their way into.
00:42:53.350 --> 00:42:59.430
And you can check out the show notes below for anywhere from free to not free ways to do that.
00:42:59.590 --> 00:43:01.510
I'm so grateful for you for listening.
00:43:01.750 --> 00:43:04.789
If you would like to share it with someone, we would be so grateful.
00:43:05.029 --> 00:43:06.710
And have a great rest of your day.
00:43:06.869 --> 00:43:07.590
Thank you, everyone.
00:43:07.829 --> 00:43:08.229
Peace.
00:43:08.550 --> 00:43:09.189
Be well.
00:43:20.069 --> 00:43:22.229
Thank you so much for listening.
00:43:22.710 --> 00:43:31.109
If you enjoyed the episode, please take a moment to subscribe to the show, leave us a review, or share the episode with someone who would enjoy it.
00:43:31.670 --> 00:43:38.710
Check out the show notes below for more about our guests, plus links to gifts and other resources to take you deeper.
00:43:39.270 --> 00:43:48.710
Our podcast music was produced by Santiago Paramo, our podcast art graphically designed by Sarah Mendoza, and photography by Charlie Watts.
00:43:49.189 --> 00:43:52.069
Thank you for being here, and we'll see you next time.
00:43:52.390 --> 00:43:53.029
Be well.
00:43:53.989 --> 00:43:54.710
Peace.
00:03:43.590 --> 00:03:46.710
Welcome back to the Erotic Devotion Podcast.
00:03:46.870 --> 00:03:49.110
I'm your host, Grace Alardice.
00:04:07.750 --> 00:04:08.950
Hey everyone.
00:04:09.189 --> 00:04:09.670
Welcome.
00:04:09.750 --> 00:04:14.790
And today we're going to talk about three ways that you are likely leaking your power.
00:04:14.950 --> 00:04:29.430
And if you're listening to this in real time, in my world, in my newsletter, and in my membership, we're going hard, going fun, going down into the challenges and the gifts and the faces that we find in the underworld.
00:04:29.750 --> 00:04:42.230
And often what can emerge if we navigate the underworld with prowess and awareness is that we emerge with a deeper sense of ourself and we emerge with a deeper sense of power.
00:04:42.470 --> 00:04:44.949
And the word power can be a lot for people.
00:04:45.110 --> 00:04:51.590
There's, I hear a lot of spiritual people in particular talk about how power is bad and power is for the bad people.
00:04:52.069 --> 00:04:54.629
And power is actually what you need to survive.
00:04:54.790 --> 00:05:05.430
It's what you need to be alive, not to mention go after what you want, embody what it you want to embody, go towards what you want to go towards.
00:05:05.590 --> 00:05:10.710
All of that requires a great deal of embodied personal power.
00:05:11.030 --> 00:05:15.670
And so we're going to talk about some of the most common ways that I see people leaking it.
00:05:15.830 --> 00:05:34.389
So even if you are, you know, in this place in your life where you still have a lot of like wiggles to get out as far as embodying power, at least the very least, you can stop leaking it and giving it away, even if you're not currently available for embodying more of it, which I hope that you are at some point.
00:05:34.629 --> 00:05:41.030
So a lot of the emails that I've been getting for the past couple of years really inspired this episode.
00:05:41.430 --> 00:05:51.029
And it goes something like this: there's this loop that I see people on, and then they feel like their newsletter is the place to like explode all of their pain around it.
00:05:51.269 --> 00:06:01.430
But especially from a lot of spiritual people, especially like a lot of women in the spiritual space who are modeling like feminine ways of being and quote, feminine leadership and all of this.
00:06:01.590 --> 00:06:04.230
And they're all they've become a little bit predictable.
00:06:04.310 --> 00:06:11.750
Um, it's quieted down in the past couple of weeks, but whenever the news kind of spikes, I see a spike in this particular kind of behavior.
00:06:11.909 --> 00:06:17.189
And they model very well the leaks that I'm going to talk about here.
00:06:17.670 --> 00:06:26.950
And so one of them is sort of step one to how you're leaking power is enmeshing with the collective.
00:06:27.269 --> 00:06:31.830
And also thinking that that's your moral responsibility, that it's your duty.
00:06:31.909 --> 00:06:35.909
And if you're not enmeshing with the collective, then you somehow like don't care.
00:06:36.310 --> 00:07:03.110
And it looks something like the news all the time from every corner of the planet with photos and video of whatever terror is happening currently, and also everyone else's personal reaction to it, and also like I'm so bothered, now I have to tell everyone about it, and now my whole life is falling apart, and I can hardly function and make it stop.
00:07:04.149 --> 00:07:04.470
Right?
00:07:04.629 --> 00:07:06.389
This is a familiar vibe.
00:07:07.350 --> 00:07:20.710
And this is also a sign that whenever it feels like this, and most of the people reacting in this way are reacting to things that aren't actually tangibly physically happening to them.
00:07:20.950 --> 00:07:25.509
It doesn't mean we don't have a way to care about things that aren't directly happening to us.
00:07:25.670 --> 00:07:32.470
But what I am saying is that the global scale is bigger than the scale of your actual lived experience.
00:07:32.790 --> 00:07:41.750
Your physical body is not capable of digesting the collective experience, and neither is that your job.
00:07:41.990 --> 00:07:53.350
And so when people are overly consuming headlines, overly consuming media, overly consuming the world's drama, we have a story that that's because we care so much.
00:07:53.590 --> 00:08:17.750
But really, it's your system caught in a loop of freaking out, stress, disempowerment, and then something in your system thinks that like knowing what's next is going to somehow generate this well sense of well-being, this sense of safety, but of course it doesn't because there is always something terrible going on all the time, and we just now have more exposure to it all of the time.
00:08:17.990 --> 00:08:23.110
And it is literally impossible to hold, to quote, hold the collective.
00:08:23.269 --> 00:08:30.550
It's not possible for you to process for the collective uh or enact your will on the entire collective.
00:08:30.790 --> 00:08:36.389
It is sort of, I use the analogy of a flower a lot when I'm talking about gifts and presents.
00:08:36.549 --> 00:08:42.629
It's literally like if you were looking at a single flower, prop, like planted in concrete, right?
00:08:42.710 --> 00:08:46.470
Which most people are right now, planted in some form of concrete.
00:08:46.629 --> 00:08:52.069
And literally, this this dandelion is like, I'll hold up the falling skyscraper.
00:08:52.789 --> 00:08:57.750
Like from the outside, we're like clearly that's not an equation that works or even makes sense.
00:08:57.990 --> 00:09:02.069
But then the dandelion is like, why do I feel so powerless and overwhelmed?
00:09:02.230 --> 00:09:11.190
It's like, because you're not orienting to the right load and the right story for what it is you are, how well resourced, how well, how deep down your roots go.
00:09:11.430 --> 00:09:14.710
Speaking of going down, roots go down into the underworld.
00:09:14.950 --> 00:09:35.509
And so if you're really oriented towards processing for the collective, feeling really righteous about that, feeling obligated about that, then you will increasingly lose your orientation to like who you actually are, what your actual load is, where you actually are, and what you are.
00:09:35.670 --> 00:09:50.710
And a big part of that is embracing your mortal limitations in time and space, not as obstacles, but as actually gifts to your experience.
00:09:51.269 --> 00:09:55.829
So, as this metaphor with the flower attempting to hold up the skyscraper, right?
00:09:55.910 --> 00:09:56.870
That's a losing game.
00:09:56.950 --> 00:10:02.789
That's there's never gonna be a day where the dandelion is able to do that, no matter how much it tries, goes to weight training.
00:10:02.870 --> 00:10:06.789
It's like that equation is never gonna balance out because that's not its job.
00:10:06.950 --> 00:10:08.470
That's not what it was designed to do.
00:10:08.629 --> 00:10:11.590
That's not the scale that it's designed to hold.
00:10:11.750 --> 00:10:16.389
It's not the scale it was designed to nourish or process for or digest for.
00:10:16.950 --> 00:10:22.549
And it literally can never have the strength, the capacity, the resource to accomplish that task.
00:10:22.629 --> 00:10:23.910
It doesn't mean it's failing.
00:10:24.069 --> 00:10:26.870
It doesn't mean it's terrible, and it doesn't mean it doesn't care.
00:10:27.029 --> 00:10:29.190
It just means that that's not what it was made to do.
00:10:29.350 --> 00:10:42.230
So that would be like such a heartbreak of a waste of a life if we were constantly comparing the value, the worthiness of this dandelion to how well it can hold up the top-link skyscraper.
00:10:42.789 --> 00:10:44.629
Do you see how that doesn't make sense?
00:10:44.870 --> 00:10:48.950
It doesn't have the innate strength, capacity, and design to actually do that.
00:10:49.029 --> 00:10:54.629
And in a similar way, quote, processing for the collective is above your pay grade.
00:10:54.710 --> 00:10:55.910
That's not your job.
00:10:55.990 --> 00:10:58.069
It doesn't mean that you don't care about the world.
00:10:58.230 --> 00:11:05.110
It doesn't mean that you don't care about the people around you, but we need to like deflate our egos in a really big way around this.
00:11:05.269 --> 00:11:16.309
Like the idea that like somehow you are special and important and strong enough to just like quote, process for the entire collective is like a really big inflation of the ego, actually.
00:11:16.470 --> 00:11:20.710
And we tend to not think of it that way because it feels so terrible and it hurts so much.
00:11:20.870 --> 00:11:28.069
We're like, it's not inflating, it's me giving myself, but actually, it is just inflating your ego and it's also hurting you.
00:11:28.470 --> 00:11:37.110
And it's important here to start to distinguish and get some separation and some definition because that's the thing about our bodies.
00:11:37.190 --> 00:11:43.350
They actually can't and will not thrive without that sense of definition, right?
00:11:43.430 --> 00:11:45.590
That's usually like somatics 101.
00:11:45.670 --> 00:11:47.110
Like this, these are my edges.
00:11:47.269 --> 00:11:49.910
This is my space, this is where I end and you begin.
00:11:49.990 --> 00:11:59.190
Like we need a healthy, embodied experience of what that is if we want to feel safe, cared for, strong, empowered in our lives.
00:11:59.350 --> 00:12:14.549
And so that goes also when we're feeling overly enmeshed with a collective, then it's showing that on a lot of layers of our being, emotionally, mentally, physically, perhaps even spiritually, we're way too enmeshed with other people's experiences.
00:12:14.629 --> 00:12:18.870
And when that's happening, we're also of use and of purpose to no one.
00:12:19.269 --> 00:12:23.909
So what's happening to someone else isn't actually happening to you.
00:12:24.070 --> 00:12:28.389
And it can get really confusing when we have so much media, we have so much video, right?
00:12:28.549 --> 00:12:32.470
Those of you that are really sensitive and empathic, I'm definitely this way.
00:12:32.629 --> 00:12:38.950
Like it's easy to digest the experience, completely lose our edge, and then metabolize it as if it happened to us.
00:12:39.110 --> 00:12:43.190
And then we're trying to do that at scale and also trying to manage our own lives.
00:12:43.269 --> 00:12:45.110
And it's not actually possible.
00:12:45.430 --> 00:12:54.950
And so responding as if everything happening out there is also happening to you, it diminishes their experience for one.
00:12:55.110 --> 00:13:04.629
Like people who are actually undergoing a very great tragedy, harm, difficulty at any given moment, it diminishes their experience to also be like, oh yeah, me too.
00:13:04.710 --> 00:13:06.389
Like that's not really what's happening.
00:13:06.549 --> 00:13:09.750
Um, and it also disempowers you to be of service.
00:13:09.830 --> 00:13:11.909
Like you're not actually able to be of service.
00:13:12.070 --> 00:13:20.950
You're not actually able to show up with a well of passion and compassion and influence because you have left your domain.
00:13:21.269 --> 00:13:27.029
You're not actually inhabiting the responsibilities and the edges that are actually yours.
00:13:27.190 --> 00:13:38.950
It's sort of like never being in your house and always being in everybody else's house and then wanting to invite people over for dinner, but only to find no one is ever there and the fridge is empty, right?
00:13:39.269 --> 00:13:44.629
And so, if I say that differently, it's like people are so oriented to what's going on with the collective.
00:13:44.710 --> 00:14:03.909
They're so enmeshed with it, and they're so distracted that they are not actually turning towards who they're actually with, the life they actually have, and the people, the situations, the circumstances, and the culture where actually they can have the most impact.
00:14:04.230 --> 00:14:15.590
They're staying in relation to the abstract, what's out there, rather than being in relation in this tangibility, in this closeness, in this actual intimacy.
00:14:15.990 --> 00:14:34.470
And I think actually that's where sometimes a more avoidance can be secretly happening underneath this, like a fear of like if I really show up in the tangible and in the intimate and in the proximal and what is around me, um, that will actually ask something of me.
00:14:34.710 --> 00:14:36.789
And there can be some fear around that.
00:14:37.029 --> 00:14:43.190
Whereas there isn't actually anything truly asked of you when you're enmeshing with the collective.
00:14:43.350 --> 00:14:46.389
It just feels terrible and it feels like we're paying a price.
00:14:46.710 --> 00:15:05.430
So the abstract enmeshing with the collective is going to continue to feed that sense of powerlessness, helplessness, that vague sense of like distress and perpetual grieving that actually doesn't have a connection to a deep sense of like love and intimacy in your life.
00:15:05.750 --> 00:15:25.190
And again, that's just going to be a sign that you're leaking power, you're leaking orientation, you're leaking the ways that you could actually turn towards a more intimate, tangible, relational impact, service, and even joy in the place where you actually are.
00:15:25.430 --> 00:15:30.629
And so something that you could do instead is to honor your actual limits, right?
00:15:30.789 --> 00:15:35.029
You are not the Marvel superhero with the fate of the world resting on your shoulders.
00:15:35.190 --> 00:15:37.669
I know I've said this on the podcast before.
00:15:37.830 --> 00:15:41.190
Like the world is literally not resting on your shoulders.
00:15:41.350 --> 00:15:45.909
Like you could stay in bed all day tomorrow and the world would continue.
00:15:46.389 --> 00:15:53.990
And even if the world were on your shoulders, which it's not, um, even all those Marvel superheroes have limits, right?
00:15:54.389 --> 00:16:07.590
So being of true service, living your vocation, bringing your creative destiny, all of that can only happen if you are right-sized to what your roots allow.
00:16:08.070 --> 00:16:14.950
And even if your roots could go down deeper, you could be more widely resourced and more right widely nourished.
00:16:15.029 --> 00:16:27.190
And even if you could be planted more pleasurably, you still must honor your limitations, which include your mental capacity, your embodied capacity, time, financial capacity?
00:16:27.350 --> 00:16:32.470
All of those can be stretched, and yet even when they are, there are still limits, right?
00:16:32.549 --> 00:16:35.430
As a mere mortal, which we are right now.
00:16:35.750 --> 00:16:39.509
And so what's one thing you can do really well?
00:16:39.750 --> 00:16:45.990
What's one part of your life or one person or one story that you can bring your whole heart to?
00:16:46.549 --> 00:16:48.789
That's really going to ask something of you.
00:16:49.590 --> 00:16:51.509
Who can you actually love?
00:16:51.669 --> 00:16:57.750
Who can you actually care for, not in an abstract way, but really, really well?
00:16:58.629 --> 00:17:04.950
And this this is honoring the amount of time that you really have, money that you really have, time, desire.
00:17:05.190 --> 00:17:07.349
That's what one can do.
00:17:07.590 --> 00:17:19.349
And that's right sizing, meeting your true capacity, which will ask more of you, even though the perimeter of your caring appears smaller.
00:17:19.590 --> 00:17:25.670
And once you've got that down and you start to have some leftover reserve, you can reach back out, call me back.
00:17:25.829 --> 00:17:27.110
We can work on that.
00:17:27.190 --> 00:17:46.869
Um, but right now, especially for people who tend to enmesh very easily with other people's experiences, uh, learning these edges and learning these limits is going to be just ground zero foundation for any level of feeling resourced and being of service, much less bubbling over into what I would call ecstatic service.
00:17:47.190 --> 00:17:58.150
We have to really get an honest edge in what is really yours to carry, which is much smaller than what you're trying to process and carry on your back currently for most people.
00:17:59.509 --> 00:18:11.269
Number two is hyper-attuning to pain and prey experiences and suffering.
00:18:11.590 --> 00:18:21.750
And so breaking that down in our kind of mainstream, you know, I can only speak for the culture where I live and that I'm most familiar with, but it seems to be common.
00:18:21.990 --> 00:18:31.909
This mainstream kind of Western overculture, especially in America, in its default position, it conditions you to be prey.
00:18:32.070 --> 00:18:38.549
You are conditioned to be obedient, small, to roll over and play dead if anything scary happens.
00:18:38.710 --> 00:18:50.389
Um, and so all of the sort of good girl behavior and the paradigms that I talk through on other episodes, those are sort of my shorthand way of saying, like, you're stuck here.
00:18:50.549 --> 00:18:56.869
You are stuck in like the maiden mode, you are stuck in the victim mode, and you are stuck in the prey mode.
00:18:57.190 --> 00:19:03.750
And, you know, for some people who are experiencing acute trauma, that's an accurate response.
00:19:04.070 --> 00:19:07.590
And for a lot of people, that's just where you're stuck.
00:19:07.670 --> 00:19:09.750
It's just kind of all that you know how to do.
00:19:09.909 --> 00:19:17.990
But of course, it feels terrible and it feels powerless and helpless, and you're not really sure what that nagging sense is.
00:19:18.070 --> 00:19:19.590
Like, why do I still feel helpless?
00:19:19.750 --> 00:19:21.029
Why do I still feel powerless?
00:19:21.110 --> 00:19:22.389
Why does I still feel in pain?
00:19:22.470 --> 00:19:43.430
Even if on the outside you're being quite successful or you're good at your job, you're killing it, you're raising your kids, you got a bonus at work, like you just finished your degree, but on the inside, there's still this sense of like cowering and fear when it comes to going towards the world or going towards intimacy or even looking at what you would want to call your creative aspirations or your relationship.
00:19:43.670 --> 00:19:49.430
And it's maybe it has roots in trauma, um, and maybe you've done a lot of healing work.
00:19:49.670 --> 00:20:02.309
Either way, sometimes we're using the word trauma when actually what we mean is like we could just feel better and we don't know what's going on because we don't have, as a culture, a really well-attuned sense of like our full range.
00:20:02.710 --> 00:20:13.110
So, prey animals, if we think um, you know, bunny rabbits, for instance, deer, etc., they have a vast range of intelligences and skills.
00:20:13.190 --> 00:20:18.309
They're very intelligent, they're very skillful, and that needs to be honored, right?
00:20:18.389 --> 00:20:21.509
There's not one kind of response that's better than another.
00:20:21.750 --> 00:20:24.389
But those are not the only responses available.
00:20:24.549 --> 00:20:27.430
They're not the only intelligences available.
00:20:27.670 --> 00:20:42.630
And if you want to feel more capable and even more energized in your life, not to mention more passionate in your life, you're gonna have to get a wider range of experience available besides just responding like a bunny rabbit.
00:20:42.950 --> 00:20:56.950
So a healthy, functional, powerful leader system is gonna have to have access to also this other side, these more like predator intelligences and skills.
00:20:57.029 --> 00:21:03.829
Like if we think of these jaguars, leopards, even bears, wolves, some kinds of birds, right?
00:21:03.990 --> 00:21:06.789
And people get really upset about that word.
00:21:06.870 --> 00:21:14.309
But actually, like from a natural ecosystem perspective, predators are essential to any flourishing environment.
00:21:14.630 --> 00:21:19.910
And we also are not conflating predator with perpetrator, that those are not the same thing.
00:21:20.069 --> 00:21:45.829
And so the difference between a nervous system that's stuck in survival and fear, and one that's actually powerful, is like, how can we access this full range so that we can more skillfully attune to our lives and to the moment that we're actually in with a wider range of choices as to what's informing our presence and our decision making and even your intuition, right?
00:21:45.990 --> 00:21:58.309
Without all of these, um, without this wider base for your system, the window of your intuition and your impulses is extremely limited and extremely small.
00:21:59.029 --> 00:22:04.390
And so even following your intuition will likely lead to more prey-like experiences.
00:22:04.549 --> 00:22:19.109
But the more you widen your system, you widen your spectrum inside, the your intuition, your decision making, the field that you're able to perceive, the amount of choices and possibilities you're able to perceive, that widens as well.
00:22:19.269 --> 00:22:32.870
And so your intuition is open more to uh find a target, find a yes within a wider range of experiences rather than a smaller range of experiences that you're just used to.
00:22:33.750 --> 00:22:38.789
So a response prey system is always nervously looking around for safety.
00:22:39.509 --> 00:22:47.589
Uh, a predator prowls the jungle like it's their kingdom, it's their domain because it is, right?
00:22:47.750 --> 00:22:52.870
It manages the ecosystem of their domain like it's their responsibility, which it is.
00:22:53.029 --> 00:22:56.710
And the predator's not going around asking for permission to have breakfast.
00:22:56.870 --> 00:22:57.990
Like, can I have breakfast?
00:22:58.150 --> 00:22:59.750
Were you going to eat that?
00:22:59.990 --> 00:23:00.230
Right?
00:23:00.309 --> 00:23:03.910
The wolf isn't like, I'm so sorry, but I'm having breakfast right now.
00:23:03.990 --> 00:23:05.190
Is this gonna disturb you?
00:23:05.349 --> 00:23:08.470
No, they just like go in, get what they're having for breakfast.
00:23:08.549 --> 00:23:11.509
They defend it if someone else comes up to get it and it's theirs.
00:23:11.589 --> 00:23:18.230
They're not worried, wondering if it hurts someone's feelings if they look super strong and in charge today, right?
00:23:18.309 --> 00:23:29.190
It's about right sizing the power and the capability and the spectrum like to their domain so that they can actually manage their domain really well.
00:23:29.990 --> 00:23:33.109
And it serves the whole ecosystem when we do that.
00:23:33.190 --> 00:23:36.870
You know, everyone knows about like reintroducing the wolves back to Yellowstone, right?
00:23:36.950 --> 00:23:45.589
And how that actually was um ended up being a very like positive, regenerative thing for that whole climate.
00:23:45.990 --> 00:24:05.910
And another thing is that like the predator system, not only is it not asking for permission, not only is it like rightly sized, rightly attuned to its appetites and impulses in a way that's attuned to the environment and attuned to themselves, but it's also not looking around for anyone else to make them feel safe, right?
00:24:06.069 --> 00:24:11.589
If they're the king of the jungle, for instance, um they're not like like they're at the top of the food chain.
00:24:11.829 --> 00:24:14.150
They're not like, oh, someone else will make me feel safe.
00:24:14.309 --> 00:24:17.829
Like they realize that it's their job to feel safe.
00:24:18.069 --> 00:24:20.309
It's their job to make them feel safe.
00:24:20.470 --> 00:24:34.710
And so what I think what most people think they're doing when they're taking on so much, when they're taking on way more than their system can handle, is they think they're being compassionate for people who are injured.
00:24:34.950 --> 00:24:40.789
But what they're really doing is they're obsessing over an experience that matches with how they currently feel.
00:24:41.109 --> 00:24:46.789
So as if it actually happened and keeps happening to you, which it didn't, right?
00:24:46.870 --> 00:24:50.390
If you're watching it on social media, like it's not happening to you right now.
00:24:50.549 --> 00:25:06.950
And so feeling injured, then absorbing that prey experience as if it is happening to you, responding as if it's happening to you, that's once again just reinforcing this pattern and this very limited scope of experience, this limited scope of responses.
00:25:07.349 --> 00:25:22.470
And rather than widening what you're capable of, widening your field, widening your power, it's it's digging a deeper hole into an experience that you already have and probably already doesn't feel great, a place where you feel kind of trapped.
00:25:22.710 --> 00:25:33.750
And so it leaves you often feeling overwhelmed, scared, confused, alone, looking for safety in whatever ways you've got established groups.
00:25:34.309 --> 00:25:34.950
For that.
00:25:35.829 --> 00:25:47.029
And so learning how to stop absorbing other people's emotions as if they're yours starts when by noticing like when are when are you borrowing other people's pain?
00:25:47.670 --> 00:25:50.150
And that's not the same thing as caring.
00:25:50.950 --> 00:26:01.430
And so all it's doing is reinforcing your patterns of like hypervigilance, anxiety, freezing, fawning, frustration, depression, collapse, all of those things.
00:26:01.750 --> 00:26:04.950
And then of course, you're not going towards what you want.
00:26:05.109 --> 00:26:08.390
You're not embodying who your soul already kind of knows who you are.
00:26:08.549 --> 00:26:10.390
You're not moving towards your creative destiny.
00:26:10.470 --> 00:26:11.430
You're not making your work.
00:26:11.509 --> 00:26:15.269
You're not showing up in your relationships, all these things that make you feel fulfilled.
00:26:15.509 --> 00:26:19.750
And so then you're like, oh no, I'm worthless, I feel powerless, whatever those things are.
00:26:19.910 --> 00:26:35.029
So it steals all of your presence and capacity when we're stuck in this loop for the life that you actually have, for what actually is yours to do and what actually the ecosystem around you would long for you to do and would long for you to be.
00:26:35.670 --> 00:26:49.829
And so if we don't have access to that full level of our presence, then I don't know that there's much that we could do that would really matter because your presence is the most important treasure that you have.
00:26:50.069 --> 00:26:54.470
And so without your presence, your life is happening, but you're not there.
00:26:54.630 --> 00:26:59.750
You're not tasting it, you're not feeling it, you're not contributing to it, you're not receiving from it.
00:27:00.390 --> 00:27:04.870
The garden might even be thriving, but it's not because of you and you're not enjoying it.
00:27:05.029 --> 00:27:16.870
And so you will find yourselves, if you don't have your full presence here because it's so drained from and meshing with pain and other people's pain, is that you do feel drained and you feel numb.
00:27:17.029 --> 00:27:31.589
And so we could also think of power as this resource, this source that can fuel and fire a more full presence, a more capable, coherent presence with who you truly are.
00:27:31.829 --> 00:27:37.269
And so even when there is a call that you could answer, then you can.
00:27:37.430 --> 00:27:48.150
But if your presence, your power is low, if you're constantly drained and you're living in a very small tunnel of emotions and loops, then you won't answer the call.
00:27:48.230 --> 00:27:49.430
You won't be able to.
00:27:49.670 --> 00:27:53.670
And so what can we do instead?
00:27:53.910 --> 00:27:55.190
That I've already said.
00:27:55.349 --> 00:28:14.870
Um, if you're enmeshing with the collective, and then on top of that, primarily enmeshing with victim experiences, then you are going to be stuck in reactive, reactivity and not creativity, which is where most people feel more empowered and more like they're in their full presence and their full destiny and their full self.
00:28:15.109 --> 00:28:23.750
And so the it's possible that even though that loop of wounding feels terrible, that it actually is a comfort zone.
00:28:23.990 --> 00:28:30.710
It's a way that we feel comfortable, it's a way of being that we feel comfortable in, and then we're easily knocked back into it.
00:28:30.870 --> 00:28:42.069
And like I said earlier, this image of like widening to be able to hold and have a capacity for a wider range of experiences and stories is going to be really important.
00:28:42.549 --> 00:28:56.950
So a real level of healing can happen when you stop confusing everyone else's experiences as yours and making them your personal responsibility to quote fix anything and everything happening on the globe.
00:28:57.190 --> 00:29:05.910
And that's it does feel like compassion, but it's actually more of this like childlike empathy and it's an over-identification.
00:29:06.150 --> 00:29:13.109
Like I said earlier, it's also this inflation of like how important you are and what your role actually is in the story.
00:29:13.430 --> 00:29:23.750
And this, if we don't heal this, it will continue to feel like power is always leaking out this bottomless pit until we choose to heal it and stop the leak.
00:29:23.910 --> 00:29:39.029
And so, like I teach inside of my work, inside of Ma as well, like true compassion can only emerge from this foundation of wholeness, from something that's being sourced by power and passion.
00:29:39.109 --> 00:29:41.430
And without that, we don't have compassion.
00:29:41.670 --> 00:29:52.789
And so, this over-identification with other people's experiences, victim experiences, that's actually blocking what you need to be compassionate rather than actually being caring.
00:29:54.069 --> 00:30:09.750
And then finally, my favorite is um number three, is another way you're leaking your power that I'm talking about today, is that offering outrage and like botheredness as an act of service.
00:30:09.990 --> 00:30:11.990
So let's let's rewind here.
00:30:12.150 --> 00:30:29.750
So if we've been enmeshing with the collective, if we've been over-identifying in particular with other people's pain and prey experiences, victim experiences, wounding en masse, as if they are personally yours, of course, that's going to feel terrible.
00:30:30.069 --> 00:30:39.269
And it's going to feed that sense of smallness, powerlessness, like you're not doing enough, incredibly anxious, always looking over your shoulder.
00:30:39.430 --> 00:30:51.670
And then when your system attempts to recover, because that feels so bad, and also because you need power to survive, your body knows that, even though we have, you know, verbal arguments against that.
00:30:51.750 --> 00:30:54.950
Like you actually do need power to survive.
00:30:55.349 --> 00:31:00.230
Your system attempts to recover and it comes out just as outrage.
00:31:00.549 --> 00:31:04.789
Or if you're in spiritual circles, it's like sacred rage is the new thing.
00:31:05.029 --> 00:31:12.150
Um, right now, though, it's worth naming like this is spiritual bypassing in like real time.
00:31:12.390 --> 00:31:19.910
So it's basically your system is wildly dysregulated, and then we dress it up as devotion and call it sacred.
00:31:20.150 --> 00:31:38.870
And so, and then once the outrage is catharted and expressed out into the world, discharged onto like your followers, your newsletter, whatever, then your system, because it can't hold that level of intensity, collapses into sadness and shutdown and hopelessness and maybe even sickness.
00:31:39.430 --> 00:31:54.549
And so if we're wondering how to stop feeling helpless and powerless, this cycle, this rage, collapse, repeat, and mesh, that's the mirror for the Ferris wheel of how where this water is always getting poured out of you.
00:31:54.710 --> 00:31:56.230
It's not a character flaw.
00:31:56.390 --> 00:31:57.589
There's nothing wrong with you.
00:31:57.750 --> 00:32:09.509
There's just a way that some of these holes need to be plugged so that you can build some real substance and actually feel yourself filled up, which a lot of people don't actually have a felt sense of what that is.
00:32:09.750 --> 00:32:17.109
And so I've said it before, I'll say it again, that like your botheredness is not your act of service.
00:32:17.269 --> 00:32:21.509
Your offense, your outrage, being offended is not an act of service.
00:32:21.670 --> 00:32:25.029
You know, being obliged isn't necessarily a vocation.
00:32:25.349 --> 00:32:31.109
You know, expressing your wounding constantly is not necessarily your creative destiny.
00:32:32.069 --> 00:32:51.190
And yet, for a lot of people, if we were to take those things away, let's say we took the guilt away, the things that you do from guilt, the things you do from obligation, the things you do from your wounding, if we took your botheredness away, if we took your outrage away, then for a lot of people, they'd be like, um, like everything I do is motivated by that.
00:32:51.349 --> 00:32:53.750
There wouldn't be anything left to give.
00:32:54.150 --> 00:32:55.430
But actually, there is.
00:32:55.670 --> 00:32:57.029
They just don't know what it is.
00:32:57.190 --> 00:32:59.910
And that is a really important space to sit with.
00:32:59.990 --> 00:33:12.150
That's what a lot of people need to be sitting with, is like pulling back all of those things and really sitting with what remains or the space of what remains and seeing what can emerge from that.
00:33:12.870 --> 00:33:21.750
I have yet to see the legacy of any enlightened master or mistress whose legacy was outrage and being bothered by reality.
00:33:22.470 --> 00:33:28.549
That's not generally the sign of enlightenment, is like, I'm so bothered, be bothered with me.
00:33:28.710 --> 00:33:35.910
And even if we look at like the wrathful deities, you know, when they're coming for someone, they're not coming for the person bothering you, usually.
00:33:36.069 --> 00:33:39.750
They're coming for your ego, which loves to be outraged, right?
00:33:39.829 --> 00:33:42.789
We feel important when we're upset, when we're bothered.
00:33:43.109 --> 00:34:03.589
The legacy is often usually orienting to a deeper way about how reality works, where your sovereignty lies, how our vision can be cleaned up, and how we can experience a deeper sense of power that affects transformation both within us and without us.
00:34:03.750 --> 00:34:07.750
But it doesn't generally look like perpetual botheredness, right?
00:34:07.829 --> 00:34:12.550
I think about, you know, Mary Magdalene is a big influence, a big thread for my work.
00:34:12.710 --> 00:34:16.869
Like the legacy could easily have been, fuck the patriarchy, I'm so upset.
00:34:16.949 --> 00:34:19.269
You murdered people I love for no good reason.
00:34:19.349 --> 00:34:21.269
But like, that's not the legacy.
00:34:21.510 --> 00:34:34.869
The legacy is like passion, repose, silence, peace, compassion that you can only get to when you get on a cellular level when you get that love is stronger than death.
00:34:35.109 --> 00:34:39.190
That's the thing that I think we found that the legacy has left.
00:34:39.750 --> 00:34:42.789
And so back to offerings of upsetness.
00:34:43.269 --> 00:34:49.349
My favorite metric for whether something really is worth your time and energy is the deathbed.
00:34:50.470 --> 00:35:04.230
So who on their deathbed anticipates that like your top three reflections are gonna be, wow, I wish I had spent more time being dysregulated, being upset, being numbed out by the world.
00:35:04.550 --> 00:35:08.550
I wish I had shared more of my botheredness with all of my newsletter.
00:35:08.710 --> 00:35:19.109
If only, you know, the people who were so mean and so bad, even though they're already dead, if only they had been able to read my post about how upset I am, like no one's gonna be saying that on their deathbed.
00:35:19.190 --> 00:35:27.269
And so that automatically cuts it away as anything remotely important to who you are and what you're here to do and who you're here to be.
00:35:28.390 --> 00:36:57.109
What will be highly likely a reflection from the deathbed, regardless of what decade, what century it is, regardless of what the news says, what will be on your mind at that time is going to be how well you loved your life and yourself and the people in your life, how well you stewarded the things that were yours to touch, the land, the beings, how well you stewarded your creative destiny, how well you flourished in your gifts, how much you kissed your partner, how long you lingered at the dinner table, how much time you spent with your kids, the quality of the time you spent, how much deliciousness you savored, how present you were with all that was in your life, all the sensations and the flowers and the sunsets, all those breezes blowing across your face and the hair on your arms, and the taste of your favorite warm beverage, and how well you allowed yourself to be filled up, and how much you expressed your creativity, and how well your choices and your desires lined up, and how much you smelled the roses, and how much you sang and touched and reveled in the things that you can enjoy, all the things that you can only feel in your body, that's what's gonna come up as really, really important.
00:36:57.510 --> 00:37:03.190
And that kind of life and that kind of living is gonna be a gift to everyone, including you.
00:37:04.390 --> 00:37:11.029
And so, what could we do instead than offering perpetually our botheredness as an act of service?
00:37:11.670 --> 00:37:24.789
Can we get very curious and make it a contemplation for a while and get really quiet and be like, okay, if I wasn't offering perpetually my offense and my outrage, what could I offer instead?
00:37:24.949 --> 00:37:32.150
If I wasn't always offering out of guilt or obligation or my wounding, what would who would I have to become?
00:37:32.309 --> 00:37:33.590
What would I offer instead?
00:37:33.750 --> 00:37:35.269
What space would that make?
00:37:35.510 --> 00:37:38.230
And it might feel empty at first, and that's okay.
00:37:38.470 --> 00:37:50.550
But you might have more energy to become something, to heal more, if that energy wasn't perpetually being leaked and spent in these other ways.
00:37:51.989 --> 00:37:53.750
Something else could arise.
00:37:55.270 --> 00:37:57.270
You may not know the answer right now.
00:37:57.430 --> 00:37:58.229
That is okay.
00:37:58.390 --> 00:38:01.670
You may have to go to the underworld to find out, and that's okay.
00:38:01.750 --> 00:38:17.670
But rather than rushing to fill, if it does feel empty, rather than rushing to fill it, can you just be with that emptiness and that silence and that lack of reactivity and that lack of rushing and that lack of feeling like, oh, I have to respond, I have to give this?
00:38:17.829 --> 00:38:23.430
What if we could just not and see what else could arise that's perhaps more true?
00:38:24.310 --> 00:38:33.750
So if processing for the collective and if enmeshing with other people's experience and with being upset all the time isn't actually your job, like where does that leave us?
00:38:34.229 --> 00:38:42.470
And it leaves, it leaves you primarily to your own becoming, your own presence, your true domain, your ecosystem.
00:38:42.949 --> 00:38:54.149
And while it may look less important and less dramatic on the outside, it will ask a lot more of you than all of these things that are actually leaking your power.
00:38:55.430 --> 00:39:02.869
And also what it does ask of you will be fulfillment and it will be meaning and devotion.
00:39:03.029 --> 00:39:08.949
It will be really worthy of a life's work, really worthy of something that you'll look back on and feel like, oh, I did it.
00:39:09.189 --> 00:39:09.670
I did it.
00:39:09.750 --> 00:39:12.310
And other people will be so blessed by it.
00:39:13.350 --> 00:39:30.869
And so to be centered in your vocation, which is what so many people want, to really be centered in true intimacy and exchange with in your relationships, then you have to be centered in your presence and in your body and in your experience with all of its limitations and beauties.
00:39:31.670 --> 00:39:55.590
To be a leader of anything new, rather than, you know, if we're just rearranging the furniture, if to really vision and lead something new, you have to really have a real tree trunk that goes really far down and a really sensitive antenna that's strong enough to reach up and above the weather that's just happening in the immediate vicinity, the immediate feeling, right?
00:39:55.750 --> 00:40:04.149
What's more true, what's more rooted, what's more aware, what's got a stronger center, a more resourced capacity?
00:40:05.029 --> 00:40:23.750
And if you really want to be in this full creative gifts and destiny, then finding that center, that part of you that is the eye of the storm, is gonna be something that you need to learn to feel and cultivate and develop rather than feeling always like you're caught up in the tornado.
00:40:23.909 --> 00:40:32.949
And when we're caught up in the tornado, that's usually when we're gonna be the one causing the most damage, even though we're also having a terrible time at the same time.
00:40:35.029 --> 00:40:43.270
And if you want to be a lover of not just yourself, the people in your life, but even of the world, then you need to have a cup that's full enough.
00:40:43.350 --> 00:40:47.029
You need to be having enough pleasure and presence in your system.
00:40:47.189 --> 00:40:55.909
You need to be having a good enough time that your partner doesn't feel like they have to solve the entire world's problems and suffering if they want to touch you, right?
00:40:55.989 --> 00:40:59.109
That can't be the exchange because that's not a real exchange.
00:40:59.430 --> 00:41:24.550
And so we really need to locate and deepen and root into these pleasurable roots that are also limitations, that also nourish a sense of power, which is going to feed your sense of presence, which will give you the ability to feel passion, which will then show you where compassion actually lies.
00:41:24.949 --> 00:41:26.630
You turn it on.
00:41:26.869 --> 00:41:34.789
If no one else has your power, if you don't actually have to take it back, but you grow it up and you turn it on.
00:41:34.949 --> 00:41:36.710
No one else has it.
00:41:37.029 --> 00:41:59.430
You have it, and you're giving it away when you do all of these things, and you don't have to give it away, just keep it, grow it up, turn it on, and you will find that you have so much more fullness and power and presence to share in a way that's healing for you and not just keeping in a state of perpetual turmoil and cycle.
00:41:59.590 --> 00:42:00.789
That's the real alternative.
00:42:00.949 --> 00:42:05.029
If we're not gonna spiritually bypass and be like, I feel terrible, let's call it sacred.
00:42:05.109 --> 00:42:10.630
Um, like maybe it is, but if it's happening all the time, like that, I think actually just the range is really small, right?
00:42:10.789 --> 00:42:21.189
We need to have this honest, beautiful return to the body, the embodied experience that you actually live in and the capacity you actually have, and letting that be enough.
00:42:21.270 --> 00:42:27.109
And you'll find when you right-size that cup that you start to feel enough and like you're good enough.
00:42:27.270 --> 00:42:33.750
And then we start to have a much more intimate exchange with life and with our destiny.
00:42:35.189 --> 00:42:39.109
If that sounds super easy for you, check, check, check, absolutely wonderful.
00:42:39.189 --> 00:42:44.069
Um, and if it sounds like something that you would like support and help in, you can come into any door of my work.
00:42:44.149 --> 00:42:53.189
And this is a really strong thread, a really strong component, and something I'm very passionate about helping people anchor into and love into and enjoy their way into.
00:42:53.350 --> 00:42:59.430
And you can check out the show notes below for anywhere from free to not free ways to do that.
00:42:59.590 --> 00:43:01.510
I'm so grateful for you for listening.
00:43:01.750 --> 00:43:04.789
If you would like to share it with someone, we would be so grateful.
00:43:05.029 --> 00:43:06.710
And have a great rest of your day.
00:43:06.869 --> 00:43:07.590
Thank you, everyone.
00:43:07.829 --> 00:43:08.229
Peace.
00:43:08.550 --> 00:43:09.189
Be well.
00:43:20.069 --> 00:43:22.229
Thank you so much for listening.
00:43:22.710 --> 00:43:31.109
If you enjoyed the episode, please take a moment to subscribe to the show, leave us a review, or share the episode with someone who would enjoy it.
00:43:31.670 --> 00:43:38.710
Check out the show notes below for more about our guests, plus links to gifts and other resources to take you deeper.
00:43:39.270 --> 00:43:48.710
Our podcast music was produced by Santiago Paramo, our podcast art graphically designed by Sarah Mendoza, and photography by Charlie Watts.
00:43:49.189 --> 00:43:52.069
Thank you for being here, and we'll see you next time.
00:43:52.390 --> 00:43:53.029
Be well.
00:43:53.989 --> 00:43:54.710
Peace.
