Tyona Vallejo: Hello and welcome to Enough In Evolving Podcast. I'm your host, Tyona Vallejo, master certified life coach and mindfulness expert, helping you reclaim confidence, break through unhelpful patterns and manifest the relationships and life you desire. Now let's get started.
speaker-1: Hello, welcome back to the podcast. And if you're new here, thanks for listening today. I have a special guest, someone I adore. She is a coaching colleague of mine, and she is so inspirational. I am excited to have this conversation with her today because I know. That you will get a breakthrough just from our conversation. She has her own podcast, and it is called Break Free with Becky. And I just love it. It is such a great podcast. I was actually just listening yesterday. so you'll have to go check that one out as well. But thank you for joining me today, Becky. So I'm sorry.
speaker-0: I'm so glad to be here. Tyone and I went through master coach training together. So we got we got a good relationship.
speaker-1: Yes, we have been through it together. Yes, for sure. And we got to spend a week together in Hawaii recently. Mastermind with our coach. So that was so good. Exciting. we were bunk mates and so we had so many wonderful conversations. And I just thought it would be super fun to have her on the podcast and share her brilliance with you all. Becky, can you tell everyone a little bit about yourself, what you do, and a little bit about your background?
speaker-0: You bet. So it's so nice to be here. Hello, everybody. And glad we get to hang out together on the podcast today. So what I love to do with my coaching, where I really love to like dig in and shine with my coaching is with women who are just very anxious and who are just naturally hard on themselves. Right. I love to work with people who like have that sense of self-loathing where they're just like, I don't feel good enough. Like it's that constant. feeling of like I don't like myself. I don't like who I am. I don't feel good enough. I don't like my body. I don't like the way I talk. We tend to be really high people pleasers, right? We want everything to go well. We want everyone to like us, but we struggle so much to like ourselves. So I love helping those women become just like really confident to be able to like honestly learn to love and cherish yourself and to learn to like not judge yourself. Right. Like there's so much emotional freedom in being able to Like yourself. It's not something I ever thought I would like go for, but I'm like, my gosh, it's the best feeling ever.
speaker-1: Yeah, and it is so hard, right? you just said it so perfectly that we are really hard on ourselves, we're always judging ourselves. Yes, and that's what's keeping us apart from liking ourselves, really. So if we were to just dive right in there and you were to just help someone. give them a little tidbit on how do you start to really stop judging yourself so much and being so harsh and critical on yourself so that you can begin to like yourself because I'm sure everyone that has that experience wants to love themselves, wants to like themselves, but they're just like, yeah, that'd be nice or it'd be nice to feel good, you know, but they're just
speaker-0: Usually like I've tried and I can't. Like I tried to like myself, it didn't work. Right. And like, girl, I got you. I got you. I didn't like myself for the majority of my life. Like, really, really, I would say like self-hatred was like a very big point for me. with a lot of the struggles that I went through in my life. So I kind of came up with like this four step process that I do that I teach my clients. which is first is just awareness. Like you have to be aware that you're even having those thoughts about yourself. Right. Like one of my things that I love to assign my clients is to put like a rubber band on their wrist. Okay. And you're not gonna like snap yourself or anything like that. People are like, Am I gonna snap myself? Like, no. Every time you have like a self-critical thought, you just take the the rubber band and you stick it on the other wrist. That's all you're doing. And just like for 24 hours, I tell him just all I want you to do is like every time you have like a judgmental thought, like you walk past the mirror and you're like, I hate my chin, I hate my arms, or like I look stupid today, like I don't like my outfit, I'm a bad mom, like whatever the thought is that's going through your head, you just put it on the other wrist and you're just like noticing how often it goes through your brain. Because I promise you it goes through it 10 times more than you ever have like picked up on before. Right. Even those of us who are very like aware of our thoughts in our brains, like the amount of judgment that we have for ourselves, the amount of negative feedback we have for ourselves, it's far higher than we're even aware of. Right. And all of those thoughts, they're gonna affect the way that you feel throughout the day. They're gonna affect how you're performing through the day, how you, you know, act during the day. So I love to have my clients just like, we're just gonna take some time. And just like switch the different wrists. And some of us, I'm like, the first time I did, I almost drove myself nuts because I was switching off my wrist probably like every 10 seconds. Right. But it was such good awareness. Yeah. Like such good awareness to be like, I had no idea that my brain was treating me this poorly. I had no idea that I was talking to myself this way all the time. Right. Like I had made the commitment to not say those words out loud a long time ago. Mm-hmm. But I didn't realize I was still saying them so much in my head.
speaker-1: Yeah, yeah. I think that yeah, I think that is definitely relatable as far as we may have made a a choice that okay, I'm not gonna beat myself up anymore verbally out loud, but we don't realize it's still like happening.
speaker-0: Still happening in our head. And it's large, yeah, largely like subconscious, right? Like we're not even aware that we're doing it because it's such a habit. So I always say step one is awareness. Like we can't stop it until we're really aware of it. And then step two, it sounds funny, but this is where we have to go, is it's making the commitment to stop. Like it's an absolute contract with myself. It's an absolute commitment that I am not going to speak to myself this way. So I always have my clients like come up with like a A sentence, a really powerful sentence that is like, this is a sentence I say when I notice that I'm being hard on myself. Like, like, nope, I don't do that anymore. It's like sometimes for me, it's just like, nope. Like, nope, I don't treat myself that way anymore. Right. Like it's a hard stop. And it sounds funny because you're like, well, I'm gonna tell myself I commit to stopping, and then my brain's gonna keep doing it. Right. That's part of the process.
speaker-1: Yeah.
speaker-0: It's part of the process to know, like, one, I have to make the commitment to stop. And then two, it's okay if my brain continues to do it. I have to retrain my brain.
speaker-1: Yeah. And then that's hard in itself, right? Because then it's like, okay, I'm gonna stop judging and then I realize I commit to doing this, but then I'm not stopping judging. And so then I'm judging that I'm judging. And it's just like
speaker-0: Yeah, I call that like the seven layer cake of judgment. When I'm like I'm trying to stop judging and then I'm judging myself for not for judging myself and then I start judging myself or judging myself or judging myself. I'm like, we're just like we're in quicksand. We're in like the seven layer cake of judgment. Right. Right. So it's part of the process. First, I want to just go back to like the second step, which is that commitment to stopping. And let me tell you why I know this works. Okay. So when I was 11 years old, I developed an eating disorder. And I had a really severe eating disorder from the time I was like 11 to about 26. I was hospitalized for it. I went to a Center for Change for like three months in residential treatment. And I had spent so much of my time with my eating disorder. really like hating on myself. Because I taught myself like if I hated myself, I wouldn't eat. That was like part of it. Like if I could just put myself down hard enough, then I won't put food in my mouth. So I was like religiously, constantly like hating my body, hating myself, hating my personality, hating everything that I did. Right. Like I was a professional self-hater. Right. And when I was recovering from my eating disorder, it literally came down Making that choice, that commitment to stop. That's what it came down to, right? It it came down to me making a choice of like, are you gonna continue to hate on yourself, to treat yourself this way? Are you gonna stop? And it was really hard because you make that commitment and then those thoughts keep coming in, right? We keep coming in, but I'm like, nope, I'm gonna come back to my commitment. Which is I don't say these things out loud. Like I no longer tell people I hate my body. I no longer tell people that I think my hips are too big or my arms are too fat. Like I don't discuss the shape of my eyes and how they're terrible anymore. Like I just made this commitment that I'm no longer gonna do that. And then as I got more into coaching, I was like, I gotta do that internally in my own head as well, not just verbally out. So that is the key. Like, don't skip that step. That step is so important, that commitment to stop. Okay. Then the step after that is retraining your brain. This is where we've got to really go in and retrain our brain to no longer put ourselves down, to no longer judge ourselves, to criticize our bodies or our personalities or the way that we handle business or the way that we hold our yoga pose, right? Like my yoga pose doesn't like I'm practicing yoga next to Tayona in in Maui. Which is the most beautiful yoga practice. And I'm like, my back doesn't even bend. I had a really bad back injury. And I'm just like, we're not even gonna compare. Right. Like we don't even go there anymore. Like I'm not even tempted because I've made that commitment to stop and I have retrained my brain to no longer compare, to no longer put myself down. But it takes time and it takes practice. Yeah. Right. And when I'm in that. seven layer like cake of judgment, like I said, or sometimes I call it quicksand. Yeah. Like where you feel like you're sinking in it. That is when I actually like to, this is gonna sound a little funny, but I like to invite judgment in. Like if I had a little house and judgment was on the outside and I'm on the inside, I'm gonna like open the door and it's like a little character. I let judgment in and I'm just gonna give it a hug. Right. I'm just gonna be like, hey judgment, like I love you. Yeah I see you. Yeah.
speaker-1: I'm one of my favorite movies, Inside Out.
speaker-0: Yes, it's like it's
speaker-1: okay. So definitely. Yeah.
speaker-0: Right. That's like you have sadness, you have anxiety, you have joy, like all of that. I just invite judgment in and I'm like, and to me, judgment, like if we're thinking about the characters, it looks like a little Twinkie with like black hair and like a black mustache and like a little judge outfit on. This
speaker-1: that's h
speaker-0: is how I see judgment. Yeah.
speaker-1: No one
speaker-0: Right. I like to turn it into a character so it doesn't feel so scary.
speaker-1: Mart, yeah.
speaker-0: And then I'm like gonna give judgment a hug. I'm like, I see you. And you can stay as long as you want. I'm not gonna force you to go away because anything that we, you know, try and force out of our brain is gonna become more sticky. Yeah. It's gonna stay longer. So instead of trying to like get judgment out of my head, I'm just like embracing it. So and like giving it a hug.
speaker-1: Yes. Just persists. Yes. So noticing the judgment is there, but not shaming yourself for it, not criticizing yourself for it. That is the real work. That is the real transformation. Is now it can have a seat at the table, but it doesn't have to dictate what we eat tonight. It doesn't
speaker-0: Or not eat.
speaker-1: Yeah, there you yeah, exactly.
speaker-0: Cookies, the Doritos, like Yes. Yeah. How we see, you know, our our bodies, how we see our, you know, like we said we the yoga poses or our meditation practice or our business or anything like that. Our age, the way that our face looks. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So the you know, judgment's generally coming from like insecurity and fear. And that's the part we really want to soothe and like helpful seen and helpful safe. And then it tends to just You know, regulate. Yeah.
speaker-1: 100%. Yes. It all comes back to being safe. Being safe. And you can't feel safe when you are judging your judgment or in judgment. You've got to be more curious about how can I just notice what's happening and support myself in the most loving way.
speaker-0: 100%. Yeah. Give that judgment a little hug, right? It thinks it's helping you out. It really does. Like when we get down to like looking at why we judge ourselves, it's almost always because we think it's helping us out. Like your brain is trying to protect you. Yeah. Right. It's like a little guard dog. And it's like there's something scary in the bush. And I need you to like be aware of this bush. You know, and you're like not mad at the guard dog. Yeah. You're like, thank you, dog. Thank you for helping me out. Thank you for like letting me know. I'm gonna give you a little hug and a little love, but I'm not gonna get mad at you for doing your job. Yeah.
speaker-1: Which is hard to s to understand sometimes when the judgments feel so harsh, you know, that it's it's it's like how could this be trying to protect me? But it's just somewhere along the line you learned that this was the pattern that kept you safe.
speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. And most of us learned it like, you know, either growing up in our homes or like I watch my son going to school right now and he's taught over and over again by his teachers that, you know, it's like they almost use threats or like kind of judgmental comments to motivate them to get better grades. Like if you don't do this, you're gonna fail out of college. If you don't do this, you're gonna get bad grades. You need to work harder. And it's like it comes down very harsh, right? And it's I'm like, no, that's not what we're doing. We're not gonna teach you to judge yourself so you can work harder. Like, yeah, that's not what we're gonna
speaker-1: Yeah.
speaker-0: do. Yeah. So we gotta retrain our brain around there. And then the fourth step I always talk about is creating like a self-love practice. Right. Doing some type of a practice where you're connecting with yourself every day, whether it's like the mirror work, like you're looking in the mirror and you're letting yourself like know, like I love you. I'm always like, thank you, self. I'm so proud of you. Thank you for what you're doing today. Or my other favorite practice is just telling myself, I love myself anyway. Like I burnt the pancakes, and my kids are like, Mom, your pancakes are terrible. And I'm like, I know, I love myself anyway. Like,
speaker-1: Yeah.
speaker-0: mom, your outfit doesn't even match. It's terrible. And I'll be like, I know, I love myself anyway. It's fine.
speaker-1: So good. I'm totally stealing that.
speaker-0: It's like my favorite. Or sometimes I'm just like, you know what? It's okay. I make really good pancakes. Like, but that's my way of just like if my kids are, you know, on me a little bit for something, or if somebody's just like, you didn't do that very well. I'm like, it's okay. I make really good pancakes. Yeah. Like it's just my way of like loving myself and like bringing it back to like, nah, I got good things.
speaker-1: Yeah. You know. Yeah.
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: I was listening to your podcast the other day, and you were dropping so many great little nuggets. You're talking about your current quest for joy. I absolutely want to hear more about that. And one of the things that you also talked about, of course, is something that you, you know, come back to a lot with your podcast in your people is the anxious brain. And the the thing that you were talking about was there were two things. One was that something that Brandy Brown talks about, which is joy foreboding. I think that is something that I definitely have seen myself do. I was wondering if you can talk about it here. First of all, explaining, you know, what that looks like. And when you said there's these isms that we often say and they're like, what are they called? Just like quotes or whatever. And one of them was, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I hear that a lot. I hear that clients say that that they're always worried and waiting for the other shoe to drop. They're in this anxious state of of this experience. And so I would love for you to share some of your information about that.
speaker-0: Okay. So I think it'd be helpful to just talk a little bit about like where I come from with my background a little bit. So we talked a little bit about the eating disorder, right? So I went through this eating disorder for 15 years, And then I recovered from it. Like I went through a lot of therapy, but what really helped me pull myself out of this eating disorder was the the Barnes and Noble self help aisle. Like that's where I started going and learning about things like making a commitment to not judging myself, watching my thoughts, paying attention to how I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. Right. Yeah. And I had this amazing year where I was like fully recovered from this eating disorder. And then I worked at the neuropsychiatric institute at the time and for the University of Utah and loved working with like the younger patients that were really struggling with their mental health, like five to twelve year old, you know, little little bodies that were having bipolar and schizophrenia and depression and anxiety and we did a lot of physical work there and while I was working there I got injured and I ended up perniating two discs in my back. And we didn't know for a little while. They thought I had sprained my back, but after a while they discovered you know you perniated these two discs in your back and I spent the next seven months like not being able to really walk or move or get around. And at the time they weren't aware of like the the opioid crisis, like that was not a thing, right? And so I remember my nurse offering me a Percocet and I told her like no, you can't give me any medication, like I just I know myself, I get really easily addicted. And she said, well Percocet's not addicting, it's not addictive and it's really effective. I said, awesome, let's do that then, Wow. And she gave me this Percocet and it was like all of my emotional pain went away. All my physical pain went away. But like this barrier that I'd had in my life between myself and people and connection and all this anxiety and depression I'd experienced, it was just obliterated in 20 minutes. I was like, my gosh, I love my husband. I love my doctor. I love my mother in law. Like everything felt so good. All of the anxiety was gone, right? Yeah. And I didn't realize it was the euphoria of the pill, because it just made me feel like, Connected and loving and grateful. Right. And then, you know, seven later.
speaker-1: This isn't an ad for Per Cassette, by the way.
speaker-0: No, it's not and just don't take it. Yeah, it's not. No, because you know what happened is like I continued taking it because I couldn't walk for the seven months and then I had back surgery and then it had a disc herniation after that. I had three more disc herniations after that initial surgery. And then my scar tissue grew and attached to my sciatic nerve. So I was just in constant chronic pain. And by that point, like I was heavily addicted to the Percocet and didn't even realize it. Like I didn't even know that you could get addicted to Percocet. Like I didn't know it was a physical. I thought you had to like go get street drugs or something. Like was very naive about it. And my doctor didn't really talk to me. Right. So I spent the next 15 years of my life completely addicted to these pain pills. And I I don't mean just like a little, I mean a lot, like lots of pills, abusing them, taking them, sometimes stealing them. Like it was really, really bad. And I tried like I went through I calculated once like probably thirty-six different withdrawals trying to get off these medicines. Like it was not I wasn't just like going for it, like I was actively trying to get off, right? But it was really hard because I felt so much joy taking them. Like I'm giving that in quotations, joy, It felt really nice and like my brain was so addicted to it. And I had tried, you know, residential treatment. I had tried outpatient. I tried inpatient. We had done all kinds of things. And then I came across coaching. And I started learning all these amazing skills and coaching. And coaching literally saved my life. Like when I came across coaching, I knew that the next time I relapsed, I was like, I'm gonna die. Like I could feel it in my bones that if you relapse again, your, you know, two year old daughter is gonna find you on the couch. And that's gonna be it. Like I just know it, but I couldn't stop myself. Like I hadn't been able to stop myself into that point. And then I heard my first coaching call. And it happened to be with like a mom whose son was addicted to marijuana. And I listened to the coach talk about addiction in a completely different way that I had never heard. Like there was no shame. There was pure love for her son. There was like No getting mad at the son and saying like he was ruining his life or wrecking or anything like that. And it was such a different perspective to me that like once I started into coaching, I have never touched him sons. Like sober. It was amazing. Right. So life coaching saved my life. And the beautiful thing about it is we're tying it back into joy, is like I was able to find so much joy through life coaching, Like be able to change my life a hundred percent from the person that I was. Yeah. into the person that I am now. And I learned to like I don't have to use the pills or the food or, you know, if you're someone who drinks a lot, like using alcohol to create joy anymore. Yeah. Right.
speaker-1: That was me. Yeah.
speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. So I've been on this like joy journey lately because as I've expanded myself and and learned to handle things so different, like I'm getting close to my six year sobriety mark, which is amazing. It's it's so exciting. And I didn't used to be able to celebrate it, but now I can like celebrate it. It's so cool. And
speaker-1: Anything.
speaker-0: yes. We'll be six years in November. So it's very cool. Wow. but I learned that I have been able to like be really productive and expand myself. And I love growing. I love pushing myself, but like it was hard for me to create joy, right? Like it was harder for me to create joy because I just love this expansion. So I've been stepping into learning more about joy, pursuing more joy, creating more joy, and really like receiving joy. Yeah. Like feeling it in my body, being able to like really take it in. And like if I'm gonna celebrate the six year sobriety, then I want to feel it. Like I want to receive it.
speaker-1: Yeah. think it's really hard that to sometimes recognize what it even feels like joy in our body.
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: Yeah. I think I
speaker-0: Yeah, what does that feel like to you, if you don't mind me asking?
speaker-1: You know I feel like there's like this brightness that's exudes from my body, from my chest, from my heart. And I definitely feel like that's something that I can explore even more too, because I feel like what happens for me is especially lately, I think I I maybe was more in touch with joy as a younger child, but now it's like I suddenly start to feel joy foreboding.
speaker-0: Hm, yeah.
speaker-1: And so that's a new thing for me that I'm noticing.
speaker-0: Like so the fear that the other shoe's gonna drop.
speaker-1: And I never thought of it like that. I've just heard a lot of people saying that to me, but my fear is more like and maybe it is the same, but it's like This is here now, but it's gonna end eventually. Like there's this, you know. And we just went through, you know, a a heartbreak in our in our home, losing our our little companion, my my little guy from with us. Thank you. He was with us the last 14 and a half years. 15th year, we figured out. And and yeah, so he is gonna he is really missed in our household now. And and and yet he brought so much joy. Like I was really savoring those last little bits with him and just I knew it was coming to an end. I knew like it wasn't going to last forever. And so it's kind of this sticky part of like being in the joy, experiencing the joy, but then also having that one on the shoulder going, Yeah, this isn't gonna last forever.
speaker-0: That's the forvoiding joy, right? So for so forvoiding joy is just like where you have that intense, like emotional happiness, right? Like you feel really good. And then it's instantly followed by like a sense of dread. That's where like the phrase the other shoe is gonna drop. Right. And I had to look up where that phrase came from because I was like, it's such an interesting phrase, but it came from when people used to live in apartments with like really thin walls above them, and you could hear someone take off their shoe, And clunk on the ground. And then you're waiting, going like, okay, I gotta wait for the other shoe. It's gonna drop because it's gonna be really loud and it's gonna startle me. So that's where that saying comes from. But so I think that's really interesting to know. But
speaker-1: Which totally is such a nervous system thing.
speaker-0: Right.
speaker-1: It's such a nervous system. Like being startled, that feeling. And it's just like especially as a as an ultra sensitive person, which I'm like so I can't wait to do a podcast about because I'm learning all about there's a group of us. No, like there's there are
speaker-0: I'm one of them.
speaker-1: About sensitive people. And I think it's fascinating. So I've been diving into this world of sensitivity and relating to the nervous system. And yeah, sound is such a big environment, is such a plays such a big part of it. And yes, I definitely startled to sounds very easily. So yeah, okay, now I really get waiting for the others to drop.
speaker-0: Mm. Yes, that's where that comes from. And think about it too, like while you're talking about the nervous system, that's all this is. Right? When we get that for avoiding joy, where like I'm feeling really happy and then I get that sense of dread all of sudden. That is just like your subconscious trying to throw up some armor to protect you from vulnerability. Totally. That's totally right.
speaker-1: The comments. Yes. Yeah. Or where I think I've just been like frozen in it. Yeah.
speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. So for me, that's another place where I love, you know, I love to think about this like emotional house that I have in my brain. And I'm like on the inside of the house and my emotions are on the outside of the house. Right. And they're trying to get in. They're like, here's vulnerability, here's fear, here's dread. And as long as I'm keeping them out, they're like knocking on the door. And the longer I shut the door, like the louder they knock, and the louder they knock until they're like, Let me in. And it's almost like the big bad wolf, like outside of the door going.
speaker-1: Throwing bricks at the window.
speaker-0: Yeah. And all I've got to do is open that door and let it in. Right. So if I get that sense of foreboding joy, right, where it's it's just trying to protect me from vulnerability. It's trying to protect, you know, it's bringing up fear and dread. And I'm like, Come here, fear, come your dread. Like come into my emotional house. I'm gonna open the door. I have a little purple velvet couch for you to sit on.
speaker-1: I love that.
speaker-0: I'm gonna get you some tea. Like, I don't know what you need. Maybe you need a volume. I'm not sure, but I'm gonna like I'm gonna bring you in and I'm gonna give you a little hug and I'm gonna see you and I'm gonna witness you. And I don't have to be scared that this foreboding joy showed up. It does, it's not a sign that something bad's gonna happen. It's just a sign of like my subconscious is trying to protect me. That nervous system is popping up and saying, ooh, this could hurt. This could be loud.
speaker-1: Yeah. That's it. Yes. I'm gonna start doing this with that situation because that one popped out of nowhere probably in the last I feel like I've just been noticing it more in the last year or two. And it was probably when the kids started you know, finishing high school and as my life was transitioning, changing, and then it was starting to be like, whoa, whoa. Yeah, all the joy that I have been experiencing for many years with these children of you know, raising them and now it's like, no, whoa, this is all changing whoa. Yeah. So my nervous system is really just trying to adapt and that's
speaker-0: Trying to adapt. Yeah. And I think it goes back to something that you always talk about too, which is bringing safety into it. Yeah. Right. Safety is everything. Like the brain loves safety. The brain loves feeling safe. Whether it's an anxious brain, whether it's a sensitive brain, whether it's like a neurotypical brain, like your brain loves safety. And so we can bring safety into like if something does happen, like I will be okay. I will be safe.
speaker-1: Yeah.
speaker-0: Right. Like when we feel that foreboding Joe, like, I know what this is. My my brain's just trying to protect me. Right. I'm gonna just give it a little hug. I'm just gonna notice it. And then if I need to, I can bring safety into it and just let myself know that if something were to happen, I'd figure it out. I'd be safe.
speaker-1: Yeah, it's safe for us to feel joy.
speaker-0: Yes, it's safe for us to feel joy and it's safe for us to receive joy, right? To like let it into our bones, let it into our body.
speaker-1: Excited. I'm excited to let that one really percolate because I think this is gonna be this is gonna be a fun rest of the year here. So I
speaker-0: Amazing.
speaker-1: know you're on a time constraint here. I could continue our conversation for so long because I just love talking to you and you got so many interesting stories and I know it's so helpful for others. But just to keep this within our time, I'd like to close by simply asking you a question that I love to ask everyone that comes on the podcast because of the name of the podcast, Enough and Evolving. where are you currently in the season? When you're thinking about enough and evolving, how is that applied to you?
speaker-0: Hmm, that's a great question. Enough and evolving. Okay. So my immediate thought is I am enough. Like I've always been enough. There is no change in my enoughness, Like I can't alter it. I can't make it better. I can't make it worse. You know, going through an addiction, right? especially as like a Christian woman, you think that like, You feel so much shame. You feel so much like I made these terrible choices, right? But I really learned through that process, especially like my coach is what helped me with this, is learning that like my worth and my enoughness never changed. Like for me, I believe in God and it's like God never stopped loving me in that moment. Like in my very worst moment that I had, and I had a lot of my friends, like I had so many. Like my worth, my enoughness, like never changed one. IOTA, I also do believe that the fear of not being good enough is kind of a a universal fear for everyone. Yeah. And it's not really something that like people are like, how do I get over that? And I'm like, we don't get over it, we just go beyond it. Right. Like it's always gonna have that little voice whispering in my ear, like maybe I'm not enough, maybe I didn't perform well enough, right? Even if you listen to like Oprah will talk about how she has presents on her, you know, show. She's and she's interviewed everybody, from like the junkie in the street to like the housewife to like the presidents to the people who make big decisions, yeah. That affect the world, right? Yeah. And every single one of them, when they're done, they will ask the same question, How did I do? Was I okay? And that's that little voice going like, was I enough? So we don't really get over it. We just go beyond it. Like, okay, once again, that's that little part of me that I'm gonna just invite into my emotional house and give it like a little hug if it if it pops up. So we we go beyond it, meaning like I'm just not gonna give it a lot of attention anymore. I'm gonna just know that like my worth and my enoughness is always taken care of. And then in as far as the evolving is going, like Ed Milet, I love to listen to him. He always talks about how he is addicted to the expansion of his being. And I'm like, I relate to that so much. He's like, I am addicted to the expansion of my being.
speaker-1: Like that.
speaker-0: Right. Like I'm so driven to expand and to evolve and to like see what is the next version of myself. Like, what do I want, you know, how am I gonna expand? How am I gonna grow? Like it's so much fun. And sometimes it's you know, painful and like growth is not always easy and exciting. But I am addicted to the expansion of my being. So I love evolving.
speaker-1: my gosh, that is so beautiful. Thank you. Thank you so much, Becky. Thank you for being here. Thank
speaker-0: Welcome. Thank you for being
speaker-1: you all for joining us in this conversation. Have a wonderful rest of your week. And remember, you are enough and you are evolving. Take care.
Tyona Vallejo: If you're listening to this and you're recognizing yourself in these patterns, this is exactly the work I do inside my coaching. This isn't something you have to figure out alone. If you're ready to feel more confident, grounded, and self-trusting, I'd love to support you. Check out the show notes to book a consultation coaching call today.
speaker-1: Hello, welcome back to the podcast. And if you're new here, thanks for listening today. I have a special guest, someone I adore. She is a coaching colleague of mine, and she is so inspirational. I am excited to have this conversation with her today because I know. That you will get a breakthrough just from our conversation. She has her own podcast, and it is called Break Free with Becky. And I just love it. It is such a great podcast. I was actually just listening yesterday. so you'll have to go check that one out as well. But thank you for joining me today, Becky. So I'm sorry.
speaker-0: I'm so glad to be here. Tyone and I went through master coach training together. So we got we got a good relationship.
speaker-1: Yes, we have been through it together. Yes, for sure. And we got to spend a week together in Hawaii recently. Mastermind with our coach. So that was so good. Exciting. we were bunk mates and so we had so many wonderful conversations. And I just thought it would be super fun to have her on the podcast and share her brilliance with you all. Becky, can you tell everyone a little bit about yourself, what you do, and a little bit about your background?
speaker-0: You bet. So it's so nice to be here. Hello, everybody. And glad we get to hang out together on the podcast today. So what I love to do with my coaching, where I really love to like dig in and shine with my coaching is with women who are just very anxious and who are just naturally hard on themselves. Right. I love to work with people who like have that sense of self-loathing where they're just like, I don't feel good enough. Like it's that constant. feeling of like I don't like myself. I don't like who I am. I don't feel good enough. I don't like my body. I don't like the way I talk. We tend to be really high people pleasers, right? We want everything to go well. We want everyone to like us, but we struggle so much to like ourselves. So I love helping those women become just like really confident to be able to like honestly learn to love and cherish yourself and to learn to like not judge yourself. Right. Like there's so much emotional freedom in being able to Like yourself. It's not something I ever thought I would like go for, but I'm like, my gosh, it's the best feeling ever.
speaker-1: Yeah, and it is so hard, right? you just said it so perfectly that we are really hard on ourselves, we're always judging ourselves. Yes, and that's what's keeping us apart from liking ourselves, really. So if we were to just dive right in there and you were to just help someone. give them a little tidbit on how do you start to really stop judging yourself so much and being so harsh and critical on yourself so that you can begin to like yourself because I'm sure everyone that has that experience wants to love themselves, wants to like themselves, but they're just like, yeah, that'd be nice or it'd be nice to feel good, you know, but they're just
speaker-0: Usually like I've tried and I can't. Like I tried to like myself, it didn't work. Right. And like, girl, I got you. I got you. I didn't like myself for the majority of my life. Like, really, really, I would say like self-hatred was like a very big point for me. with a lot of the struggles that I went through in my life. So I kind of came up with like this four step process that I do that I teach my clients. which is first is just awareness. Like you have to be aware that you're even having those thoughts about yourself. Right. Like one of my things that I love to assign my clients is to put like a rubber band on their wrist. Okay. And you're not gonna like snap yourself or anything like that. People are like, Am I gonna snap myself? Like, no. Every time you have like a self-critical thought, you just take the the rubber band and you stick it on the other wrist. That's all you're doing. And just like for 24 hours, I tell him just all I want you to do is like every time you have like a judgmental thought, like you walk past the mirror and you're like, I hate my chin, I hate my arms, or like I look stupid today, like I don't like my outfit, I'm a bad mom, like whatever the thought is that's going through your head, you just put it on the other wrist and you're just like noticing how often it goes through your brain. Because I promise you it goes through it 10 times more than you ever have like picked up on before. Right. Even those of us who are very like aware of our thoughts in our brains, like the amount of judgment that we have for ourselves, the amount of negative feedback we have for ourselves, it's far higher than we're even aware of. Right. And all of those thoughts, they're gonna affect the way that you feel throughout the day. They're gonna affect how you're performing through the day, how you, you know, act during the day. So I love to have my clients just like, we're just gonna take some time. And just like switch the different wrists. And some of us, I'm like, the first time I did, I almost drove myself nuts because I was switching off my wrist probably like every 10 seconds. Right. But it was such good awareness. Yeah. Like such good awareness to be like, I had no idea that my brain was treating me this poorly. I had no idea that I was talking to myself this way all the time. Right. Like I had made the commitment to not say those words out loud a long time ago. Mm-hmm. But I didn't realize I was still saying them so much in my head.
speaker-1: Yeah, yeah. I think that yeah, I think that is definitely relatable as far as we may have made a a choice that okay, I'm not gonna beat myself up anymore verbally out loud, but we don't realize it's still like happening.
speaker-0: Still happening in our head. And it's large, yeah, largely like subconscious, right? Like we're not even aware that we're doing it because it's such a habit. So I always say step one is awareness. Like we can't stop it until we're really aware of it. And then step two, it sounds funny, but this is where we have to go, is it's making the commitment to stop. Like it's an absolute contract with myself. It's an absolute commitment that I am not going to speak to myself this way. So I always have my clients like come up with like a A sentence, a really powerful sentence that is like, this is a sentence I say when I notice that I'm being hard on myself. Like, like, nope, I don't do that anymore. It's like sometimes for me, it's just like, nope. Like, nope, I don't treat myself that way anymore. Right. Like it's a hard stop. And it sounds funny because you're like, well, I'm gonna tell myself I commit to stopping, and then my brain's gonna keep doing it. Right. That's part of the process.
speaker-1: Yeah.
speaker-0: It's part of the process to know, like, one, I have to make the commitment to stop. And then two, it's okay if my brain continues to do it. I have to retrain my brain.
speaker-1: Yeah. And then that's hard in itself, right? Because then it's like, okay, I'm gonna stop judging and then I realize I commit to doing this, but then I'm not stopping judging. And so then I'm judging that I'm judging. And it's just like
speaker-0: Yeah, I call that like the seven layer cake of judgment. When I'm like I'm trying to stop judging and then I'm judging myself for not for judging myself and then I start judging myself or judging myself or judging myself. I'm like, we're just like we're in quicksand. We're in like the seven layer cake of judgment. Right. Right. So it's part of the process. First, I want to just go back to like the second step, which is that commitment to stopping. And let me tell you why I know this works. Okay. So when I was 11 years old, I developed an eating disorder. And I had a really severe eating disorder from the time I was like 11 to about 26. I was hospitalized for it. I went to a Center for Change for like three months in residential treatment. And I had spent so much of my time with my eating disorder. really like hating on myself. Because I taught myself like if I hated myself, I wouldn't eat. That was like part of it. Like if I could just put myself down hard enough, then I won't put food in my mouth. So I was like religiously, constantly like hating my body, hating myself, hating my personality, hating everything that I did. Right. Like I was a professional self-hater. Right. And when I was recovering from my eating disorder, it literally came down Making that choice, that commitment to stop. That's what it came down to, right? It it came down to me making a choice of like, are you gonna continue to hate on yourself, to treat yourself this way? Are you gonna stop? And it was really hard because you make that commitment and then those thoughts keep coming in, right? We keep coming in, but I'm like, nope, I'm gonna come back to my commitment. Which is I don't say these things out loud. Like I no longer tell people I hate my body. I no longer tell people that I think my hips are too big or my arms are too fat. Like I don't discuss the shape of my eyes and how they're terrible anymore. Like I just made this commitment that I'm no longer gonna do that. And then as I got more into coaching, I was like, I gotta do that internally in my own head as well, not just verbally out. So that is the key. Like, don't skip that step. That step is so important, that commitment to stop. Okay. Then the step after that is retraining your brain. This is where we've got to really go in and retrain our brain to no longer put ourselves down, to no longer judge ourselves, to criticize our bodies or our personalities or the way that we handle business or the way that we hold our yoga pose, right? Like my yoga pose doesn't like I'm practicing yoga next to Tayona in in Maui. Which is the most beautiful yoga practice. And I'm like, my back doesn't even bend. I had a really bad back injury. And I'm just like, we're not even gonna compare. Right. Like we don't even go there anymore. Like I'm not even tempted because I've made that commitment to stop and I have retrained my brain to no longer compare, to no longer put myself down. But it takes time and it takes practice. Yeah. Right. And when I'm in that. seven layer like cake of judgment, like I said, or sometimes I call it quicksand. Yeah. Like where you feel like you're sinking in it. That is when I actually like to, this is gonna sound a little funny, but I like to invite judgment in. Like if I had a little house and judgment was on the outside and I'm on the inside, I'm gonna like open the door and it's like a little character. I let judgment in and I'm just gonna give it a hug. Right. I'm just gonna be like, hey judgment, like I love you. Yeah I see you. Yeah.
speaker-1: I'm one of my favorite movies, Inside Out.
speaker-0: Yes, it's like it's
speaker-1: okay. So definitely. Yeah.
speaker-0: Right. That's like you have sadness, you have anxiety, you have joy, like all of that. I just invite judgment in and I'm like, and to me, judgment, like if we're thinking about the characters, it looks like a little Twinkie with like black hair and like a black mustache and like a little judge outfit on. This
speaker-1: that's h
speaker-0: is how I see judgment. Yeah.
speaker-1: No one
speaker-0: Right. I like to turn it into a character so it doesn't feel so scary.
speaker-1: Mart, yeah.
speaker-0: And then I'm like gonna give judgment a hug. I'm like, I see you. And you can stay as long as you want. I'm not gonna force you to go away because anything that we, you know, try and force out of our brain is gonna become more sticky. Yeah. It's gonna stay longer. So instead of trying to like get judgment out of my head, I'm just like embracing it. So and like giving it a hug.
speaker-1: Yes. Just persists. Yes. So noticing the judgment is there, but not shaming yourself for it, not criticizing yourself for it. That is the real work. That is the real transformation. Is now it can have a seat at the table, but it doesn't have to dictate what we eat tonight. It doesn't
speaker-0: Or not eat.
speaker-1: Yeah, there you yeah, exactly.
speaker-0: Cookies, the Doritos, like Yes. Yeah. How we see, you know, our our bodies, how we see our, you know, like we said we the yoga poses or our meditation practice or our business or anything like that. Our age, the way that our face looks. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So the you know, judgment's generally coming from like insecurity and fear. And that's the part we really want to soothe and like helpful seen and helpful safe. And then it tends to just You know, regulate. Yeah.
speaker-1: 100%. Yes. It all comes back to being safe. Being safe. And you can't feel safe when you are judging your judgment or in judgment. You've got to be more curious about how can I just notice what's happening and support myself in the most loving way.
speaker-0: 100%. Yeah. Give that judgment a little hug, right? It thinks it's helping you out. It really does. Like when we get down to like looking at why we judge ourselves, it's almost always because we think it's helping us out. Like your brain is trying to protect you. Yeah. Right. It's like a little guard dog. And it's like there's something scary in the bush. And I need you to like be aware of this bush. You know, and you're like not mad at the guard dog. Yeah. You're like, thank you, dog. Thank you for helping me out. Thank you for like letting me know. I'm gonna give you a little hug and a little love, but I'm not gonna get mad at you for doing your job. Yeah.
speaker-1: Which is hard to s to understand sometimes when the judgments feel so harsh, you know, that it's it's it's like how could this be trying to protect me? But it's just somewhere along the line you learned that this was the pattern that kept you safe.
speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. And most of us learned it like, you know, either growing up in our homes or like I watch my son going to school right now and he's taught over and over again by his teachers that, you know, it's like they almost use threats or like kind of judgmental comments to motivate them to get better grades. Like if you don't do this, you're gonna fail out of college. If you don't do this, you're gonna get bad grades. You need to work harder. And it's like it comes down very harsh, right? And it's I'm like, no, that's not what we're doing. We're not gonna teach you to judge yourself so you can work harder. Like, yeah, that's not what we're gonna
speaker-1: Yeah.
speaker-0: do. Yeah. So we gotta retrain our brain around there. And then the fourth step I always talk about is creating like a self-love practice. Right. Doing some type of a practice where you're connecting with yourself every day, whether it's like the mirror work, like you're looking in the mirror and you're letting yourself like know, like I love you. I'm always like, thank you, self. I'm so proud of you. Thank you for what you're doing today. Or my other favorite practice is just telling myself, I love myself anyway. Like I burnt the pancakes, and my kids are like, Mom, your pancakes are terrible. And I'm like, I know, I love myself anyway. Like,
speaker-1: Yeah.
speaker-0: mom, your outfit doesn't even match. It's terrible. And I'll be like, I know, I love myself anyway. It's fine.
speaker-1: So good. I'm totally stealing that.
speaker-0: It's like my favorite. Or sometimes I'm just like, you know what? It's okay. I make really good pancakes. Like, but that's my way of just like if my kids are, you know, on me a little bit for something, or if somebody's just like, you didn't do that very well. I'm like, it's okay. I make really good pancakes. Yeah. Like it's just my way of like loving myself and like bringing it back to like, nah, I got good things.
speaker-1: Yeah. You know. Yeah.
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: I was listening to your podcast the other day, and you were dropping so many great little nuggets. You're talking about your current quest for joy. I absolutely want to hear more about that. And one of the things that you also talked about, of course, is something that you, you know, come back to a lot with your podcast in your people is the anxious brain. And the the thing that you were talking about was there were two things. One was that something that Brandy Brown talks about, which is joy foreboding. I think that is something that I definitely have seen myself do. I was wondering if you can talk about it here. First of all, explaining, you know, what that looks like. And when you said there's these isms that we often say and they're like, what are they called? Just like quotes or whatever. And one of them was, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I hear that a lot. I hear that clients say that that they're always worried and waiting for the other shoe to drop. They're in this anxious state of of this experience. And so I would love for you to share some of your information about that.
speaker-0: Okay. So I think it'd be helpful to just talk a little bit about like where I come from with my background a little bit. So we talked a little bit about the eating disorder, right? So I went through this eating disorder for 15 years, And then I recovered from it. Like I went through a lot of therapy, but what really helped me pull myself out of this eating disorder was the the Barnes and Noble self help aisle. Like that's where I started going and learning about things like making a commitment to not judging myself, watching my thoughts, paying attention to how I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. Right. Yeah. And I had this amazing year where I was like fully recovered from this eating disorder. And then I worked at the neuropsychiatric institute at the time and for the University of Utah and loved working with like the younger patients that were really struggling with their mental health, like five to twelve year old, you know, little little bodies that were having bipolar and schizophrenia and depression and anxiety and we did a lot of physical work there and while I was working there I got injured and I ended up perniating two discs in my back. And we didn't know for a little while. They thought I had sprained my back, but after a while they discovered you know you perniated these two discs in your back and I spent the next seven months like not being able to really walk or move or get around. And at the time they weren't aware of like the the opioid crisis, like that was not a thing, right? And so I remember my nurse offering me a Percocet and I told her like no, you can't give me any medication, like I just I know myself, I get really easily addicted. And she said, well Percocet's not addicting, it's not addictive and it's really effective. I said, awesome, let's do that then, Wow. And she gave me this Percocet and it was like all of my emotional pain went away. All my physical pain went away. But like this barrier that I'd had in my life between myself and people and connection and all this anxiety and depression I'd experienced, it was just obliterated in 20 minutes. I was like, my gosh, I love my husband. I love my doctor. I love my mother in law. Like everything felt so good. All of the anxiety was gone, right? Yeah. And I didn't realize it was the euphoria of the pill, because it just made me feel like, Connected and loving and grateful. Right. And then, you know, seven later.
speaker-1: This isn't an ad for Per Cassette, by the way.
speaker-0: No, it's not and just don't take it. Yeah, it's not. No, because you know what happened is like I continued taking it because I couldn't walk for the seven months and then I had back surgery and then it had a disc herniation after that. I had three more disc herniations after that initial surgery. And then my scar tissue grew and attached to my sciatic nerve. So I was just in constant chronic pain. And by that point, like I was heavily addicted to the Percocet and didn't even realize it. Like I didn't even know that you could get addicted to Percocet. Like I didn't know it was a physical. I thought you had to like go get street drugs or something. Like was very naive about it. And my doctor didn't really talk to me. Right. So I spent the next 15 years of my life completely addicted to these pain pills. And I I don't mean just like a little, I mean a lot, like lots of pills, abusing them, taking them, sometimes stealing them. Like it was really, really bad. And I tried like I went through I calculated once like probably thirty-six different withdrawals trying to get off these medicines. Like it was not I wasn't just like going for it, like I was actively trying to get off, right? But it was really hard because I felt so much joy taking them. Like I'm giving that in quotations, joy, It felt really nice and like my brain was so addicted to it. And I had tried, you know, residential treatment. I had tried outpatient. I tried inpatient. We had done all kinds of things. And then I came across coaching. And I started learning all these amazing skills and coaching. And coaching literally saved my life. Like when I came across coaching, I knew that the next time I relapsed, I was like, I'm gonna die. Like I could feel it in my bones that if you relapse again, your, you know, two year old daughter is gonna find you on the couch. And that's gonna be it. Like I just know it, but I couldn't stop myself. Like I hadn't been able to stop myself into that point. And then I heard my first coaching call. And it happened to be with like a mom whose son was addicted to marijuana. And I listened to the coach talk about addiction in a completely different way that I had never heard. Like there was no shame. There was pure love for her son. There was like No getting mad at the son and saying like he was ruining his life or wrecking or anything like that. And it was such a different perspective to me that like once I started into coaching, I have never touched him sons. Like sober. It was amazing. Right. So life coaching saved my life. And the beautiful thing about it is we're tying it back into joy, is like I was able to find so much joy through life coaching, Like be able to change my life a hundred percent from the person that I was. Yeah. into the person that I am now. And I learned to like I don't have to use the pills or the food or, you know, if you're someone who drinks a lot, like using alcohol to create joy anymore. Yeah. Right.
speaker-1: That was me. Yeah.
speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. So I've been on this like joy journey lately because as I've expanded myself and and learned to handle things so different, like I'm getting close to my six year sobriety mark, which is amazing. It's it's so exciting. And I didn't used to be able to celebrate it, but now I can like celebrate it. It's so cool. And
speaker-1: Anything.
speaker-0: yes. We'll be six years in November. So it's very cool. Wow. but I learned that I have been able to like be really productive and expand myself. And I love growing. I love pushing myself, but like it was hard for me to create joy, right? Like it was harder for me to create joy because I just love this expansion. So I've been stepping into learning more about joy, pursuing more joy, creating more joy, and really like receiving joy. Yeah. Like feeling it in my body, being able to like really take it in. And like if I'm gonna celebrate the six year sobriety, then I want to feel it. Like I want to receive it.
speaker-1: Yeah. think it's really hard that to sometimes recognize what it even feels like joy in our body.
speaker-0: Yeah.
speaker-1: Yeah. I think I
speaker-0: Yeah, what does that feel like to you, if you don't mind me asking?
speaker-1: You know I feel like there's like this brightness that's exudes from my body, from my chest, from my heart. And I definitely feel like that's something that I can explore even more too, because I feel like what happens for me is especially lately, I think I I maybe was more in touch with joy as a younger child, but now it's like I suddenly start to feel joy foreboding.
speaker-0: Hm, yeah.
speaker-1: And so that's a new thing for me that I'm noticing.
speaker-0: Like so the fear that the other shoe's gonna drop.
speaker-1: And I never thought of it like that. I've just heard a lot of people saying that to me, but my fear is more like and maybe it is the same, but it's like This is here now, but it's gonna end eventually. Like there's this, you know. And we just went through, you know, a a heartbreak in our in our home, losing our our little companion, my my little guy from with us. Thank you. He was with us the last 14 and a half years. 15th year, we figured out. And and yeah, so he is gonna he is really missed in our household now. And and and yet he brought so much joy. Like I was really savoring those last little bits with him and just I knew it was coming to an end. I knew like it wasn't going to last forever. And so it's kind of this sticky part of like being in the joy, experiencing the joy, but then also having that one on the shoulder going, Yeah, this isn't gonna last forever.
speaker-0: That's the forvoiding joy, right? So for so forvoiding joy is just like where you have that intense, like emotional happiness, right? Like you feel really good. And then it's instantly followed by like a sense of dread. That's where like the phrase the other shoe is gonna drop. Right. And I had to look up where that phrase came from because I was like, it's such an interesting phrase, but it came from when people used to live in apartments with like really thin walls above them, and you could hear someone take off their shoe, And clunk on the ground. And then you're waiting, going like, okay, I gotta wait for the other shoe. It's gonna drop because it's gonna be really loud and it's gonna startle me. So that's where that saying comes from. But so I think that's really interesting to know. But
speaker-1: Which totally is such a nervous system thing.
speaker-0: Right.
speaker-1: It's such a nervous system. Like being startled, that feeling. And it's just like especially as a as an ultra sensitive person, which I'm like so I can't wait to do a podcast about because I'm learning all about there's a group of us. No, like there's there are
speaker-0: I'm one of them.
speaker-1: About sensitive people. And I think it's fascinating. So I've been diving into this world of sensitivity and relating to the nervous system. And yeah, sound is such a big environment, is such a plays such a big part of it. And yes, I definitely startled to sounds very easily. So yeah, okay, now I really get waiting for the others to drop.
speaker-0: Mm. Yes, that's where that comes from. And think about it too, like while you're talking about the nervous system, that's all this is. Right? When we get that for avoiding joy, where like I'm feeling really happy and then I get that sense of dread all of sudden. That is just like your subconscious trying to throw up some armor to protect you from vulnerability. Totally. That's totally right.
speaker-1: The comments. Yes. Yeah. Or where I think I've just been like frozen in it. Yeah.
speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah. So for me, that's another place where I love, you know, I love to think about this like emotional house that I have in my brain. And I'm like on the inside of the house and my emotions are on the outside of the house. Right. And they're trying to get in. They're like, here's vulnerability, here's fear, here's dread. And as long as I'm keeping them out, they're like knocking on the door. And the longer I shut the door, like the louder they knock, and the louder they knock until they're like, Let me in. And it's almost like the big bad wolf, like outside of the door going.
speaker-1: Throwing bricks at the window.
speaker-0: Yeah. And all I've got to do is open that door and let it in. Right. So if I get that sense of foreboding joy, right, where it's it's just trying to protect me from vulnerability. It's trying to protect, you know, it's bringing up fear and dread. And I'm like, Come here, fear, come your dread. Like come into my emotional house. I'm gonna open the door. I have a little purple velvet couch for you to sit on.
speaker-1: I love that.
speaker-0: I'm gonna get you some tea. Like, I don't know what you need. Maybe you need a volume. I'm not sure, but I'm gonna like I'm gonna bring you in and I'm gonna give you a little hug and I'm gonna see you and I'm gonna witness you. And I don't have to be scared that this foreboding joy showed up. It does, it's not a sign that something bad's gonna happen. It's just a sign of like my subconscious is trying to protect me. That nervous system is popping up and saying, ooh, this could hurt. This could be loud.
speaker-1: Yeah. That's it. Yes. I'm gonna start doing this with that situation because that one popped out of nowhere probably in the last I feel like I've just been noticing it more in the last year or two. And it was probably when the kids started you know, finishing high school and as my life was transitioning, changing, and then it was starting to be like, whoa, whoa. Yeah, all the joy that I have been experiencing for many years with these children of you know, raising them and now it's like, no, whoa, this is all changing whoa. Yeah. So my nervous system is really just trying to adapt and that's
speaker-0: Trying to adapt. Yeah. And I think it goes back to something that you always talk about too, which is bringing safety into it. Yeah. Right. Safety is everything. Like the brain loves safety. The brain loves feeling safe. Whether it's an anxious brain, whether it's a sensitive brain, whether it's like a neurotypical brain, like your brain loves safety. And so we can bring safety into like if something does happen, like I will be okay. I will be safe.
speaker-1: Yeah.
speaker-0: Right. Like when we feel that foreboding Joe, like, I know what this is. My my brain's just trying to protect me. Right. I'm gonna just give it a little hug. I'm just gonna notice it. And then if I need to, I can bring safety into it and just let myself know that if something were to happen, I'd figure it out. I'd be safe.
speaker-1: Yeah, it's safe for us to feel joy.
speaker-0: Yes, it's safe for us to feel joy and it's safe for us to receive joy, right? To like let it into our bones, let it into our body.
speaker-1: Excited. I'm excited to let that one really percolate because I think this is gonna be this is gonna be a fun rest of the year here. So I
speaker-0: Amazing.
speaker-1: know you're on a time constraint here. I could continue our conversation for so long because I just love talking to you and you got so many interesting stories and I know it's so helpful for others. But just to keep this within our time, I'd like to close by simply asking you a question that I love to ask everyone that comes on the podcast because of the name of the podcast, Enough and Evolving. where are you currently in the season? When you're thinking about enough and evolving, how is that applied to you?
speaker-0: Hmm, that's a great question. Enough and evolving. Okay. So my immediate thought is I am enough. Like I've always been enough. There is no change in my enoughness, Like I can't alter it. I can't make it better. I can't make it worse. You know, going through an addiction, right? especially as like a Christian woman, you think that like, You feel so much shame. You feel so much like I made these terrible choices, right? But I really learned through that process, especially like my coach is what helped me with this, is learning that like my worth and my enoughness never changed. Like for me, I believe in God and it's like God never stopped loving me in that moment. Like in my very worst moment that I had, and I had a lot of my friends, like I had so many. Like my worth, my enoughness, like never changed one. IOTA, I also do believe that the fear of not being good enough is kind of a a universal fear for everyone. Yeah. And it's not really something that like people are like, how do I get over that? And I'm like, we don't get over it, we just go beyond it. Right. Like it's always gonna have that little voice whispering in my ear, like maybe I'm not enough, maybe I didn't perform well enough, right? Even if you listen to like Oprah will talk about how she has presents on her, you know, show. She's and she's interviewed everybody, from like the junkie in the street to like the housewife to like the presidents to the people who make big decisions, yeah. That affect the world, right? Yeah. And every single one of them, when they're done, they will ask the same question, How did I do? Was I okay? And that's that little voice going like, was I enough? So we don't really get over it. We just go beyond it. Like, okay, once again, that's that little part of me that I'm gonna just invite into my emotional house and give it like a little hug if it if it pops up. So we we go beyond it, meaning like I'm just not gonna give it a lot of attention anymore. I'm gonna just know that like my worth and my enoughness is always taken care of. And then in as far as the evolving is going, like Ed Milet, I love to listen to him. He always talks about how he is addicted to the expansion of his being. And I'm like, I relate to that so much. He's like, I am addicted to the expansion of my being.
speaker-1: Like that.
speaker-0: Right. Like I'm so driven to expand and to evolve and to like see what is the next version of myself. Like, what do I want, you know, how am I gonna expand? How am I gonna grow? Like it's so much fun. And sometimes it's you know, painful and like growth is not always easy and exciting. But I am addicted to the expansion of my being. So I love evolving.
speaker-1: my gosh, that is so beautiful. Thank you. Thank you so much, Becky. Thank you for being here. Thank
speaker-0: Welcome. Thank you for being
speaker-1: you all for joining us in this conversation. Have a wonderful rest of your week. And remember, you are enough and you are evolving. Take care.
Tyona Vallejo: If you're listening to this and you're recognizing yourself in these patterns, this is exactly the work I do inside my coaching. This isn't something you have to figure out alone. If you're ready to feel more confident, grounded, and self-trusting, I'd love to support you. Check out the show notes to book a consultation coaching call today.
