Emotional Intelligence 101: Reading the Room and Yourself

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Professor Peterson's psychology classroom, connecting the science of human behavior
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to everyday life. Here's Dr. Curtis Peterson.
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Now I want to talk about something that I hope that we all kind of learn and
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develop more, because it's really the base of all the skills that we're going to learn.
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Because all the skills we're going to learn starting next Saturday require a
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high level of this thing we call emotional intelligence, all right?
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And emotional intelligence has actually received a lot of research in about
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the last decade or so, mainly responding to criticisms that come out of the business arena.
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So I want to make sure how we're defining emotional intelligence,
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just in case you want to go Google it or something like that, at a later date, okay?
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Emotional intelligence is not emotional reactivity.
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It's not about being emotional in every single situation.
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And that is what has confused a lot of the business literature on emotional
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intelligence, is they study emotional reactivity. and.
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That kind of reactivity can affect things like making good business decisions, those kinds of things.
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But it is very clear that even within the business arena, this emotional intelligence
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thing is something that even on corporate levels, they're starting to train,
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their top executives on.
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So, what is this thing we call emotional intelligence? And I'm going to read
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this definition from Mayer, Slovy, and Curso.
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It's the ability to perceive and express emotion,
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assimilate emotion in thoughts, understand and reason with emotion,
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and regulate emotion in self and others.
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If I were to kind of put it in more human terms,
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it is the ability to walk into a room and have a complete recognition of your own emotional state,
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and then be able to read the emotional states within the room,
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and then successfully navigate that and be able to, at times.
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In a situation, your own emotional tone, your own emotions are not what is going
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to create a productive discussion with someone.
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And at other times, it's about using your emotions, your natural reactions in a room,
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to really help stop the conversation and be able to say, listen,
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this conversation is making me very uncomfortable.
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And I feel the emotions in this room are starting to get tense.
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So really what we mean when we mean emotional intelligence Is really having
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an intimate understanding of your own emotions,
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And then being able to walk in the room And look and be able to detect the emotions
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in the room And successfully navigate that,
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So let's look at this a little bit closer. Like I mentioned,
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this is now being trained in a lot of executive competency trainings.
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It's a mixture of interpersonal communication.
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Relationship management, social
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intelligence, meaning that you know how to react to a given social cue,
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in an appropriately emotional or cognitive way, okay?
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And leadership development, being able to make sure that everyone in the room
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is heard and that everyone has say in what's going on, okay?
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So if we look at this just to kind of differentiate what we usually mean between
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what we call IQ and what is called the emotional quotient or EQ.
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When we're looking at EQ, we're not really looking at things like cognition,
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intellectual abilities, logical abilities, or analytical abilities.
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What we're looking for when we look for people with high EQs is emotional,
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social, and communicative types of abilities,
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but importantly, the relational abilities.
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When we look at IQ, we look usually at personal information,
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memory, vocabulary, and again, with EQ, we're grasping own as well as others wants and needs.
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So we're understanding that it's not an individual task.
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And again, with IQ, gauges how well one acquires and organizes new knowledge,
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where EQ is gauges how well one copes with environmental demands and pressures.
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All right. So if we were to put it kind of on a two-by-two display,
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we would see up here in these column areas, We would have our personal competencies,
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And our social competencies Okay And then in the rows We see recognition What I see,
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And regulation What I do So So.
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The recognition of what I see is that self-awareness in the personal competency,
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being very in-tuned with who you are as an individual and have an intimate knowledge,
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of your own emotional schemas, your responses to others.
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We've talked about this before, our own biases And in some cases, our own prejudices,
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And being able to understand that I maybe,
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go into a situation Where those things need to be set aside In order to have
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a successful conversation,
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And that goes into the recognition What I see as social awareness under the social competency,
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that you're aware that other people exist.
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They also have their own unique emotions and feelings and ideas.
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And they're always separate from our own. If we look at this from a developmental perspective,
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It kind of starts at around 24 to 36 months of development Okay,
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and this is where the whole EQ starts to develop,
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Because around 24 to 36 months of age, we start to develop something that developmental
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psychologists call theory of mind.
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And with theory of mind, we come to be able to recognize ourselves as unique individuals.
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And we start to have this idea that if I have my own emotional states,
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then others must have their own emotional states.
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And this is where the idea of theory of mind comes into play,
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because we start to wonder why that other person is having the emotions and
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the behaviors that they're having when we're not.
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So let's just go with a 24-month-old who's a little bit verbal.
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Before 24 months of age, a little child walks into the room. They're really happy.
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But let's say they see mom on the chair and she's crying.
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Okay? This is a dilemma for someone 24 months of age and below because there
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shouldn't be incongruency between my emotions and someone else's emotion.
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So the little child will more likely go and say something to mom like, Hey mom, we're happy.
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It's happy time. So you see that there's a kind of this demand that there's,
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congruency in emotions.
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After about 24 months, the little guy will go up to mom and wonder why mom is
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crying, why she's having that state, because that's not how I'm feeling.
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So instead of saying, hey, mom, you should be happy, they'll go up and ask,
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mom, mom, why are you crying?
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And it's that why question that becomes significant because they're recognizing
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the difference between the self and others.
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Okay. Now, this goes, if you want to take kind of some of the logical end behind
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this, this is the basis of something we call empathy. pussy.
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Empathy is the ability to feel other people's experiences without needing to
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experience them ourselves, okay?
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And I know there's a lot of stuff on Facebook about developing empathy and all
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of these kinds of things, but I want to be clear about what empathy is as it's studied, okay?
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Empathy is the ability to really feel the emotions and the plights of others deeply, okay?
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But empathy in and of itself does not lead to helping behaviors.
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And I want to make this really clear. Just having empathy is not enough for
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a person to engage in helping.
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Because if you think about what empathy is doing, you're feeling the plight
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of someone else and you're more likely to do what that person is doing.
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You will try to escape that emotional feeling.
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So, for example, someone who is highly empathetic,
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is a person who will more likely walk away from people who need help because
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they themselves are feeling it so much it's unbearable and they want to escape it.
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Okay, this is where the emotional intelligent component really comes into play.
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Is we can be highly empathetic, but if we don't recognize our own feelings,
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emotions, that are separate from these emotions that they're having, and given this,
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there's something that I need to do.
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So what is it in a situation where we're completely feeling what another person is feeling?
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Well, this is what the regulation of what I do component comes in.
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On the personal competency, it's self-management.
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It's understanding that, okay, I'm feeling what they're feeling,
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but that just tells me something about them, not something about me.
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And then that goes into the relationship management component That now that
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you've made this distinction You know they're in pain How do we create a,
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scenario That can help them through their problem.
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Probably the people who I find To have quite a bit of emotional intelligence,
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Especially ones that are very highly empathetic are individuals like EMTs,
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who go to a scene and they go into self-management and relation management mode.
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They go in and understand, okay, this person is laying on the ground,
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they're struggling breathing, I need to do A, B, and C.
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In the relationship management part, they let the patient know that they're
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there for them, and they walk them through step by what they're going to do
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to try and help that person.
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If you think about that, that takes an incredible amount of self-management
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and relationship management at the same time.
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In the group setting, it's making sure that we do understand the emotions in the room.
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That people are having some positive reactions, some are having negative reactions,
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and we ourselves may be having some emotions of our own in managing that so
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that we can do the relationship management,
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between the group members that seem to have these conflicting emotions within the room.
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Okay, so with that, on the personal competencies, we'll break these down a little bit more,
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So one is self-awareness, what I see,
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It's the ability to recognize your emotions as they happen And understand your
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general tendencies for responding to different people and situations Okay.
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So, when we feel ourselves closing up,
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but that's a disadvantage to the people we're communicating with,
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an emotionally intelligent person will say, okay, I'm going through a crisis.
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I'm feeling maybe attacked or feeling like everyone is after me.
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But if I let that rule me, I'll walk away from this Instead of managing it and
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working with it And that's really what we want to teach a lot of our clients,
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If you think about the world of addiction When a person comes to a situation
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where they're starting to go through a crisis What's the obvious solution?
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I'm out of here, I'm going to go drink to deal with these emotions that I...
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So in a lot of ways, I always want to remind you guys that we're always role modeling responses,
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especially when we ourselves feel like we're closing up. All right.
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So that goes into the self-management, what I do.
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Using awareness of your emotions to choose what you say and do in order to have a,
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positively direct your behavior instead of making it look like you're the one
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who needs the crisis management themselves.
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Okay, so this is all components, again, breaking down that personal competency,
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column that we just looked at.
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Social competencies, if we were to break those down more, is what I see,
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Understanding where other person is coming from and whether they agree or not
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And then what do we do with that information to create a successful conversation,
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And that gets into what I do. That's the relationship management component.
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It's using awareness of others' emotions to choose what you say and do in order,
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just like with the self-competencies, to.
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Have behaviors positively directed. Okay?
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So if we were to break this, build our two-by-two diagram even larger,
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we would see that under self-awareness, the recognition is emotional awareness,
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accurate self-assessment, and self-confidence in that we understand where we're at emotionally.
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In the regulation, it's about self-control, conscientiousness.
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The conscientiousness part is addressing other people's place in the room,
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their emotional state, and not discounting it.
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And that creates that trustworthiness component.
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And it requires adaptability and innovation in order to, you know,
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sometimes set aside our reaction to have a more positive outcome. Okay.
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In the social competencies, we see that understanding of others,
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that empathy component coming in, developing others, having what's called a service orientation.
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We're not there for us. We're there as a service to our community or to the people in that group.
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Leveraging diversity and different diverse emotional reactions to a situation.
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And then organizational awareness. The organizational awareness is who am I
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representing here today? What is the organizing principles of us being there?
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In a lot of organizations, if I go back to executive training,
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in this component they talk a lot about the organization's mission and vision statement.
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When we're talking about group settings, it may be our organization's mission
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and vision and always keeping that in the back of our mind and guiding principles.
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But it's also about what is it that we're trying to accomplish in this group
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today and how do we go about doing that.
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And we've talked about it quite a bit last Saturday, and I've used this word
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throughout, consistency, consistency, predictability, predictability.
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And then in the relationship management component, it means being a good communicator.
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So I'm going to kind of bring some of the skills that we're going to talk more in depth next Saturday.
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Communication is doing those things like reflection and giving the person permission to correct you.
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It's about conveying understanding about what the group is processing.
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And then conflict management, this tends to be the number one in all,
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my 2-1-1 classes about how do I reduce conflict when I myself may not be comfortable with conflict.
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Remember that we're there as a change catalyst.
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One of my first mentors, when I started working in the domestic violence field,
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made a very clear point to me.
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And she said, you yourself do not have the ability to change anyone.
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So if you're getting into this field thinking you're going to change someone's
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life for the better, if you think you're going to save someone,
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you're really blind to the reality that you can only be a catalyst.
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She used the analogy, you can seed the ability to change, but you can't make the plant grow. Okay.
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Building bonds, and that's through recognizing the other emotions and engaging
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the entire room in conversation.
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Collaboration and cooperation, meaning that,
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again, one of the goals of our group facilitating is that we kind of get left
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out sometimes and the group kind of starts to facilitate itself.
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And this especially gets into team capabilities,
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is understanding when our group is ready to start processing this information,
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within their own group setting without it necessarily being taught or officially,
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saying by the facilitator, this is what we're going to do next.
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And of course we want to have influence and leadership We want to be able to
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influence others So that seed can grow into the plant,
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And we want to provide the ability The ability of people to follow a pathway That they can,
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follow in order to get to their goals Which are the two essentials of leadership Okay.
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All right And I kind of want to put this after going through all that,
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Helps impact and set success Helps individuals in their strive for success in
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living, working, learning And social interactions with self and others,
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And that's really our kind of our,
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primary goals of doing the group process to begin with.
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Okay, so we talked about what is emotional intelligence.
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And now I just want to take a few minutes and talk about developing emotional intelligence.
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And this really begins with the individual.
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It's about starting to listen to yourself and your own emotions.
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Some good ways to do this is to journal them. when you're in an emotional state, just write it out.
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Other times it may be, okay, what is this emotion signaling to me?
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What is around me? What is really making me feel the way I feel? Okay.
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And that's where we get into identifying and classify emotions.
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We start to give our emotions names.
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If I were to tell you how to develop emotional intelligence,
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I would come up with your own name list for certain things. So don't just label something sad.
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Give it a label of some type, such as a unique label that you come up with,
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such as, I am feeling banana today.
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I don't know, it's just an example, but giving that emotion its own unique identifier, okay?
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And then it's noticing the difference between having an emotion and acting on an emotion, okay? And,
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And this really comes down to the self-regulation part of it,
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that we may be angry, but it's not advantageous to us to respond angrily.
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I mentioned in the last class that in my 15-plus years of teaching,
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I occasionally get a student who's very upset with me,
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And they will say, I'm a poor instructor You will da-da-da-da-da I don't know
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why you're in this field It's because your degree,
00:26:00.026 --> 00:26:05.329
all those kinds of things And as a human,
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my initial reaction is I need to defend myself I can't let this individual tell
00:26:13.626 --> 00:26:18.016
me all of these things That I don't think are true, right?
00:26:18.861 --> 00:26:26.459
But the advantageous response is to connect with that person,
00:26:26.808 --> 00:26:30.465
figure out why they didn't like the assessment.
00:26:31.586 --> 00:26:35.769
Explaining it in more detail so it's understandable to them,
00:26:36.245 --> 00:26:43.156
sometimes explaining it in different ways, because that creates growth not only
00:26:43.156 --> 00:26:46.226
for my students, but also for me.
00:26:46.226 --> 00:26:53.966
There's many times I'm happy that I didn't react with my own little rage because
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I'm being attacked by someone, but instead saying, no,
00:27:00.585 --> 00:27:02.507
I'm going to let that go,
00:27:03.200 --> 00:27:05.746
and we're really going to solve the problem.
00:27:05.746 --> 00:27:11.686
And it does, in a lot of ways, also change the way I'll explain feedback and
00:27:11.686 --> 00:27:14.224
constantly evolve it, okay?
00:27:15.389 --> 00:27:23.901
Learn to distract, okay? A good example is when someone sends you a nasty text or.
00:27:26.302 --> 00:27:31.832
You feel you're being attacked. Putting that phone down and doing something
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else for a while, then coming back to it.
00:27:35.627 --> 00:27:39.093
Learning how to distract yourself when,
00:27:40.155 --> 00:27:50.521
your emotions are going to influence your response and probably usually escalate,
00:27:51.153 --> 00:27:55.125
the situation instead of de-escalate it, okay?
00:27:56.384 --> 00:28:00.872
And another important one, and this one is really developed,
00:28:00.872 --> 00:28:05.642
my biggest recommendation, not only list your emotions when you have them,
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but also write honestly about how people react to you when you're in certain emotional states.
00:28:17.476 --> 00:28:25.940
So when you're feeling excited, noting how people react to you when you're excited,
00:28:26.636 --> 00:28:34.560
and building that tool chest of knowing if I express this emotion,
00:28:34.960 --> 00:28:38.171
this is the impact I have on someone else.
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So that it can become a tool to create growth and development. Okay.
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Set goals internally are written, small goals, slow down, think,
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act, and keep this kind of STA in mind.
00:28:58.798 --> 00:29:03.972
What we need to do when we're developing emotional intelligence is really in
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any situation, slow down, breathe, think, and then act. okay.