1
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,280
Welcome to the Decide youe Legacy podcast. This is episode
2
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:13,120
199. And today we're going to talk about.
3
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:17,240
Stop avoiding this. Three leadership decisions that
4
00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:20,840
change everything. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a
5
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,680
coach and a family therapist, and I founded Decide youe Legacy in
6
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:28,440
2012. I started this specific podcast actually
7
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:31,960
back in 2020 in the midst of COVID And now we're near.
8
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:35,640
Well, 200th episode is coming up, and we're near
9
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,080
50,000 downloads. The mission is still the same.
10
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:43,200
We help people. We help leaders stop avoiding what matters.
11
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,840
We help leadership teams stop avoiding what matters and start taking
12
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,000
meaningful action. So today, today
13
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:54,840
I work with business owners and leadership teams. We work with them
14
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,660
and often family businesses, where the real
15
00:00:58,660 --> 00:01:02,420
challenge isn't strategy, it's actually alignment.
16
00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:05,940
It's communication. It does apply to strategy. It's communication
17
00:01:07,780 --> 00:01:11,220
on the conversations that they are avoiding. Because
18
00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:15,140
when those conversations happen, everything changes.
19
00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:18,500
Decisions get made faster, trust improves,
20
00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:22,300
execution follows. And so in each episode of the
21
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:26,090
Decide youe Legacy podcast, Decide youe Legacy podcast, I give you three decisions
22
00:01:26,090 --> 00:01:29,770
that you can make to move forward
23
00:01:30,170 --> 00:01:34,010
with practical tools, simple frameworks and ideas
24
00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:37,370
that you can actually use and apply starting today.
25
00:01:37,530 --> 00:01:41,370
So listen, like you're going to teach this to somebody else,
26
00:01:41,690 --> 00:01:44,890
even one of your kids. So let's go ahead and jump into the content.
27
00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:49,530
Here's the core idea. Today, most leaders, Most leaders
28
00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:53,300
don't struggle because they don't know what to do. They
29
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:56,660
struggle because they're avoiding the
30
00:01:56,660 --> 00:02:00,380
conversations that they know they need to have. They
31
00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:03,500
stay on the surface, and here's
32
00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:07,820
what that creates. And sometimes they are not aware of this. In fact,
33
00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:11,100
most of the time, they're not actually aware of this. So it creates stress and
34
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:14,780
anxiety for them. It creates a lack of clarity
35
00:02:15,180 --> 00:02:18,300
within themselves and for their team. It creates frustration,
36
00:02:19,110 --> 00:02:21,990
it creates slow decisions, and it
37
00:02:22,150 --> 00:02:25,830
erodes trust with other people. But on the
38
00:02:25,830 --> 00:02:29,670
other side of that, when you do face things, you grow
39
00:02:29,670 --> 00:02:33,510
in your confidence. Even though you may not be pleased
40
00:02:33,510 --> 00:02:36,390
with your performance, you're honest about it and you're facing it,
41
00:02:37,030 --> 00:02:40,670
and you are gaining confidence in the process. You're learning,
42
00:02:40,670 --> 00:02:44,350
you're gaining clarity, you're improving your relationships because trust is
43
00:02:44,350 --> 00:02:47,690
improving. And you actually have more free time because you're getting
44
00:02:47,770 --> 00:02:51,130
decisions made, you're getting things done. You're not stuck
45
00:02:51,530 --> 00:02:55,170
focusing on these elephants and not making progress. And, you
46
00:02:55,170 --> 00:02:58,450
know, profitability actually increases, which is a huge deal, because
47
00:02:58,450 --> 00:03:02,090
profit is a sign that you're running your business
48
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,770
well. It's a reward for Running your business well, and it
49
00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:09,610
matters. And this topic matters. Little story I
50
00:03:09,610 --> 00:03:12,370
want to share with you, and it's hard for me to share. I had to
51
00:03:12,370 --> 00:03:16,170
face this actually today, so it hit me really hard and in a way
52
00:03:16,170 --> 00:03:19,530
I actually didn't expect. So I've been doing this workout program called
53
00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:23,330
75 Hard. You can look it up if you want to know. There's these specific
54
00:03:23,330 --> 00:03:26,850
things you do every day. It's very rigid, and it's a great process.
55
00:03:27,089 --> 00:03:30,450
It's something I've attempted three times, and I
56
00:03:30,450 --> 00:03:34,090
failed. I failed because I didn't get it
57
00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:37,810
done. And here's the story. I went through this process of 75
58
00:03:37,810 --> 00:03:41,500
hard the third time, and I got to day. I think we got to day
59
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:45,260
20, and I missed two workouts. And I'm doing this with
60
00:03:45,260 --> 00:03:48,900
my friend named Luke. Business owner, great guy.
61
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:53,060
I didn't want to tell Luke that I had missed those workouts. Not because of
62
00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:56,660
actually the workouts, but because of what it meant to my
63
00:03:56,660 --> 00:04:00,020
ego, into my image, and how he would view me
64
00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:04,180
wanting to be the guy who follows through, wanting to be perfect.
65
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:08,590
And I told myself, if I tell Luke, and I
66
00:04:08,590 --> 00:04:12,270
won't lie to you and say I considered not telling him and just
67
00:04:12,270 --> 00:04:16,030
going on, but that was something I couldn't make peace with
68
00:04:16,830 --> 00:04:20,110
if I. I told myself if I tell him, I'll let him down.
69
00:04:20,590 --> 00:04:24,070
I told myself that maybe that will throw him off track on his
70
00:04:24,070 --> 00:04:27,910
progress with 75 hard. I told myself that maybe from
71
00:04:27,910 --> 00:04:31,600
that point on, he's going to see me differently. And that
72
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,120
wasn't the truth. I don't even know what his response is yet because I just
73
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,760
sent him the text telling him that I had missed my two workouts. But the
74
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:42,560
real truth is that I didn't want to see. I didn't want to be
75
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,399
seen differently. I was protecting my ego. I
76
00:04:46,399 --> 00:04:49,640
was protecting what I felt was like a seat at his table,
77
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,560
and it was my image. That's avoidance.
78
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,820
That's not leadership. And this is what
79
00:04:57,820 --> 00:05:00,540
leaders do. This is exactly what leaders do. They
80
00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:04,860
show up where it matters, honestly,
81
00:05:05,340 --> 00:05:09,100
with integrity. They step into it and they show up and they
82
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,540
have the hard conversation. So when tension rises
83
00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:16,340
within you like it did with me with 75 hard and
84
00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:19,580
Luke, you have. You have three options.
85
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:23,470
You can react. You can react. You can
86
00:05:23,470 --> 00:05:27,110
withdraw and avoid and procrastinate, or you can lead.
87
00:05:27,590 --> 00:05:31,190
And today I'm going to give you three decisions that will change how
88
00:05:31,190 --> 00:05:33,670
you show up in those moments.
89
00:05:34,790 --> 00:05:38,590
Decision number one, Stay out of the
90
00:05:38,590 --> 00:05:42,270
noise. Stay out of the Ego. Stay away from the tangents, stay
91
00:05:42,270 --> 00:05:46,110
away from the drama. Get to the core. Like
92
00:05:46,110 --> 00:05:49,750
in my case, the core was my image and how Luke would actually view me.
93
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:54,200
Kelsey, my executive assistant, Our executive assistant actually called me
94
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,440
out on this recently based on one of our
95
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,240
7Up meetings. I can get sidetracked in these meetings.
96
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,720
We meet every Monday at 9:30. I layer issues
97
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,560
instead of getting straight to the core and it looks productive,
98
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:12,600
but it's actually not. It's actually avoidance. It's actually not wanting to
99
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,070
have the hard conversations. It shows up in these
100
00:06:16,070 --> 00:06:19,430
meetings as me talking about the same issue repeatedly
101
00:06:19,750 --> 00:06:23,550
and making excuses and blaming circumstances and blaming
102
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:27,110
other people, blaming other vendors, blaming my own
103
00:06:28,070 --> 00:06:31,790
lack of confidence, whatever. It may be going to the emotional
104
00:06:31,790 --> 00:06:35,030
side, but it's not changing behavior.
105
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:39,110
And that's not problem solving. That's drama. That's
106
00:06:39,110 --> 00:06:42,830
going on a tangent. That's avoidance. That's me
107
00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:46,750
not facing the core issue. And a lot of times it shows up
108
00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:49,310
as perfectionism and procrastination.
109
00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:54,750
It shows up as perfectionism and procrastination.
110
00:06:55,550 --> 00:06:59,030
Drama is often a substitute for real
111
00:06:59,030 --> 00:07:02,830
courage. So in your next
112
00:07:02,830 --> 00:07:06,270
meeting, ask, are we
113
00:07:06,270 --> 00:07:08,910
talking about the real issue right now?
114
00:07:10,050 --> 00:07:12,290
If not, interrupt that cycle.
115
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,970
Pause with them
116
00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:20,890
and pause within yourself. Interrupt it. What's the real
117
00:07:20,890 --> 00:07:22,690
issue that we need to solve here?
118
00:07:24,690 --> 00:07:28,530
So I wrote a breakdown of how to have these courageous conversations
119
00:07:28,530 --> 00:07:32,130
and I'm going to link in the show notes here to a
120
00:07:32,130 --> 00:07:35,560
blog post that I wrote maybe a year or two ago. Go ahead and check
121
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:39,320
it out and read it. If this is something, if there's something
122
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,680
you're avoiding decision number two.
123
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:47,760
As a leader, you are somebody who is mining. You're
124
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,480
digging deeper for conflict instead of avoiding it. They're all
125
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,960
looking at you to do this as the leader. And this is where most
126
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,960
teams get stuck. Leaders don't address
127
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,690
each other directly. People are frustrated, but they
128
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:05,650
don't actually say it. And then they build resentment. And
129
00:08:06,370 --> 00:08:09,810
that's the way you build resentment. That's the way that
130
00:08:09,970 --> 00:08:13,250
you have long standing resentment. Teams talk around issues
131
00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:17,730
based on performance and behaviors instead of talking
132
00:08:17,890 --> 00:08:20,690
through them and getting to the other side.
133
00:08:21,650 --> 00:08:25,010
I see this all the time. And when you ask
134
00:08:26,860 --> 00:08:30,700
people when you recognize this, if you're the leader, what are you afraid of?
135
00:08:31,420 --> 00:08:34,940
What are you afraid of? You can open up a door to having honest
136
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:39,180
discussions if you ask yourself that question. What are you afraid of?
137
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:42,620
Why are you not having this conversation? Are you afraid of losing your seat at
138
00:08:42,620 --> 00:08:46,180
the table? Are you afraid of being excluded? Are you afraid of being judged what
139
00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:49,420
are you afraid will happen if you address the core issue? Will you lose business
140
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:53,180
at such a high level that you feel your life's going to fall apart and
141
00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:56,730
your business is going to fall apart if you address the core issue? Those
142
00:08:57,450 --> 00:09:01,290
are things to lean into. And when you tap into that emotion and you add
143
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:04,770
truth to it and perspective to it through your team and other people's
144
00:09:04,770 --> 00:09:08,410
perspectives, it's going to change everything. People
145
00:09:08,410 --> 00:09:12,130
don't avoid conflict because they don't see it. They
146
00:09:12,130 --> 00:09:15,970
avoid it because it's uncomfortable, because it might require
147
00:09:15,970 --> 00:09:19,770
them to look at themselves and change. So when
148
00:09:19,770 --> 00:09:22,730
you need to address something and you know
149
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:26,700
you need to address things, you know, if you're honest with yourself because you've been
150
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:30,260
avoiding it, say what you've been letting slide in that
151
00:09:30,260 --> 00:09:33,980
interaction, in that email, hopefully face to face as
152
00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:37,380
much as you possibly can. But it is appropriate at times to use other means.
153
00:09:38,340 --> 00:09:41,380
Be specific. Share the impact.
154
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:45,740
Don't let the expectation not be set in
155
00:09:45,740 --> 00:09:49,540
that interaction. Ask for their take, ask for their opinion and listen.
156
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:54,020
Listen. So I had a leader recently that had brought up to me a situation
157
00:09:54,020 --> 00:09:57,620
that they had avoided a number of different times. We walked through those
158
00:09:57,700 --> 00:10:01,180
five different points. Be specific. What is the issue that he was
159
00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:04,860
avoiding facing? Well, he wanted to face it with one of his leaders, but what
160
00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:08,100
is the issue that he wants the behavior he sees in one of his leaders
161
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:11,820
that he's not addressing? Share the impact that has on the team on
162
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:15,300
their communication, on the progress of the business. Share the
163
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:18,970
expectation that you want to see changed. Ask for their take on it
164
00:10:18,970 --> 00:10:22,770
and then listen. And then listen. And that may be the
165
00:10:22,770 --> 00:10:26,130
majority of the conversation because you're getting them and you're going to have to pause
166
00:10:26,130 --> 00:10:29,770
and be okay with those silent moments
167
00:10:29,770 --> 00:10:33,330
where the other person thinks and in some cases is called on the
168
00:10:33,330 --> 00:10:36,810
carpet towards accountability, which is a way to help people.
169
00:10:37,530 --> 00:10:40,970
Accountability equals support. Accountability
170
00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:45,000
does not equal being mean. Most people
171
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,800
avoid conflict because they. Not because they don't
172
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:52,600
care. They avoid it because they don't know how.
173
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:57,640
So when you feel that tension rising up inside of you, what
174
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,920
am I not saying right now? Go ahead and say it.
175
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,600
Say it clearly. Be direct
176
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,520
and then don't over explain. Which is another pattern I see a lot of leaders
177
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,240
falling into. They're trying to convince by over explaining.
178
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:16,130
Don't do that. Let it sit with them. Ask for what you want.
179
00:11:16,130 --> 00:11:19,890
Express what the behavior is and ask them the question, how
180
00:11:19,890 --> 00:11:23,730
does that sit with you? What's your perspective on that? The third
181
00:11:23,730 --> 00:11:27,290
decision as a leader, to make is to
182
00:11:27,690 --> 00:11:31,090
lead instead of reacting, lead instead of
183
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:34,930
withdrawing. When the tension rises inside of you, you really have
184
00:11:34,930 --> 00:11:38,450
three different decisions that you can make in that moment and you're
185
00:11:38,450 --> 00:11:41,510
responsible for for what you do. You can react
186
00:11:42,150 --> 00:11:45,830
by getting defensive, by arguing your point, by being
187
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:49,550
overly emotional, by throwing your hands up in the air, by
188
00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:53,230
getting sucked into the drama. You can withdraw by avoiding,
189
00:11:53,230 --> 00:11:56,710
by making excuses why you can't meet, why you can't have that conversation,
190
00:11:57,030 --> 00:12:00,870
just shutting down internally or being in the conversation and not actually engaging,
191
00:12:01,110 --> 00:12:04,710
not bringing in any hope. Or you can lead.
192
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:10,160
You can retain your power by leading, by being clear, by being
193
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:14,000
calm, and then by being direct. Leadership is
194
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,800
not convincing someone that you are right. Leadership is
195
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,040
being clear about how you're going to show up in that interaction.
196
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:26,040
Walking on eggshells isn't a personality trait that you have
197
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:29,320
or someone else has where they just make you walk on
198
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:33,030
eggshells. Walking on eggshells is your decision
199
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:38,310
to get sucked into the drama, to go down that tangent.
200
00:12:38,870 --> 00:12:41,990
It's your decision to bring the truth out,
201
00:12:42,550 --> 00:12:46,150
to address the fear, to be clear, to be
202
00:12:46,150 --> 00:12:49,750
direct and to engage. So when you're reacting
203
00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:53,550
or withdrawing, you're protecting yourself. That's
204
00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:56,630
your ego showing up, that's your self protection showing up.
205
00:12:56,950 --> 00:13:00,680
Leadership is stepping out of that and recognizing that that
206
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,120
is protection. That is my ego, that is my image.
207
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,400
And choosing to lead anyway.
208
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:12,480
Choosing to lead anyway. In those
209
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,960
moments ask am I reacting, am I
210
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:19,600
withdrawing or am I leading? And then choose, say what you
211
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:23,200
actually want, stay steady, don't try to
212
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,920
convince and over explain. I see that with leaders. Sometimes they're
213
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:30,560
afraid of actually even having these types of interactions because they feel
214
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,080
they're going to get so emotional because they feel that they're going to over
215
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:37,600
explain and get into to a debate. But that is still their
216
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:41,240
choice. That is them choosing to walk on eggshells in those
217
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:45,000
interactions. But they have a different choice they can make. They can choose to
218
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,840
be steady, to be clear, to be calm. They can choose to follow
219
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,540
up when they don't get a response. Here are those
220
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:56,340
three decisions again. So number one, stay out of the noise, stay out
221
00:13:56,340 --> 00:13:59,980
of the drama and get at the core. Number two, mind for
222
00:13:59,980 --> 00:14:03,500
conflict, be the leader who people know is going to get at the core issue.
223
00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:07,540
Don't avoid it. And number three is choose to lead, not
224
00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:11,100
to react, which is a choice as well. And not to withdraw. Choose to step
225
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:14,820
into it and lead calmly and clearly. So here's the
226
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:18,530
question for you, the listener. What's one conversation
227
00:14:18,530 --> 00:14:21,930
that you know you need to have right now. You all. You already
228
00:14:22,170 --> 00:14:25,930
know it. You already know it because you're
229
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:29,730
probably potentially complaining to other people about it but not actually addressing
230
00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:33,530
it directly. You already know it because you're creating triangulation.
231
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:37,690
You already know it because it's causing you tremendous anxiety. Low
232
00:14:37,690 --> 00:14:41,370
grade under the surface anxiety. You already know it.
233
00:14:41,370 --> 00:14:44,530
But the question is, will you lead through through it?
234
00:14:46,850 --> 00:14:50,370
Let me challenge you before you go. If nothing
235
00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:53,970
changes after this episode, it wasn't
236
00:14:54,450 --> 00:14:58,050
this content. It was your willingness to
237
00:14:58,050 --> 00:15:01,890
act on this content. So what are you
238
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:05,530
avoiding right now? The conversation.
239
00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:09,210
You're avoiding the decision. You're avoiding the step you
240
00:15:09,210 --> 00:15:12,030
already know clearly that you need to take.
241
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:17,230
Don't overthink it. Don't wait for perfection.
242
00:15:17,790 --> 00:15:20,990
Don't wait for perfect clarity. Don't wait for the perfect strategy.
243
00:15:21,390 --> 00:15:24,910
You decide because
244
00:15:24,910 --> 00:15:28,510
there's no positive change until you do. And your
245
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:32,230
legacy actually depends on it. And it's being
246
00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:35,590
shaped by what you're choosing or what you are
247
00:15:35,590 --> 00:15:39,160
avoiding today. Decide,
248
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,880
act and repeat. Live
249
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,760
the life today that you want to be remembered for.
250
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:51,520
You decide your legacy. Nobody else. You can't blame
251
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:55,360
it on other people. I will see you next episode and in
252
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,760
the process, we're going to have episode for you. Number 200.
253
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,800
And if you found this content helpful, give it a rating and review on Apple
254
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,640
or Spotify. Share it with your friends. Share it with. Share it with somebody that
255
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:10,400
you work with that helps it grow organically. Super excited to launch.
256
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,200
Number 200. We got something very special for you. I will see you
257
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:14,440
then.
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,280
Welcome to the Decide youe Legacy podcast. This is episode
2
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:13,120
199. And today we're going to talk about.
3
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:17,240
Stop avoiding this. Three leadership decisions that
4
00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:20,840
change everything. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a
5
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,680
coach and a family therapist, and I founded Decide youe Legacy in
6
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:28,440
2012. I started this specific podcast actually
7
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:31,960
back in 2020 in the midst of COVID And now we're near.
8
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:35,640
Well, 200th episode is coming up, and we're near
9
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,080
50,000 downloads. The mission is still the same.
10
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:43,200
We help people. We help leaders stop avoiding what matters.
11
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,840
We help leadership teams stop avoiding what matters and start taking
12
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,000
meaningful action. So today, today
13
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:54,840
I work with business owners and leadership teams. We work with them
14
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,660
and often family businesses, where the real
15
00:00:58,660 --> 00:01:02,420
challenge isn't strategy, it's actually alignment.
16
00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:05,940
It's communication. It does apply to strategy. It's communication
17
00:01:07,780 --> 00:01:11,220
on the conversations that they are avoiding. Because
18
00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:15,140
when those conversations happen, everything changes.
19
00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:18,500
Decisions get made faster, trust improves,
20
00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:22,300
execution follows. And so in each episode of the
21
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:26,090
Decide youe Legacy podcast, Decide youe Legacy podcast, I give you three decisions
22
00:01:26,090 --> 00:01:29,770
that you can make to move forward
23
00:01:30,170 --> 00:01:34,010
with practical tools, simple frameworks and ideas
24
00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:37,370
that you can actually use and apply starting today.
25
00:01:37,530 --> 00:01:41,370
So listen, like you're going to teach this to somebody else,
26
00:01:41,690 --> 00:01:44,890
even one of your kids. So let's go ahead and jump into the content.
27
00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:49,530
Here's the core idea. Today, most leaders, Most leaders
28
00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:53,300
don't struggle because they don't know what to do. They
29
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:56,660
struggle because they're avoiding the
30
00:01:56,660 --> 00:02:00,380
conversations that they know they need to have. They
31
00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:03,500
stay on the surface, and here's
32
00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:07,820
what that creates. And sometimes they are not aware of this. In fact,
33
00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:11,100
most of the time, they're not actually aware of this. So it creates stress and
34
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:14,780
anxiety for them. It creates a lack of clarity
35
00:02:15,180 --> 00:02:18,300
within themselves and for their team. It creates frustration,
36
00:02:19,110 --> 00:02:21,990
it creates slow decisions, and it
37
00:02:22,150 --> 00:02:25,830
erodes trust with other people. But on the
38
00:02:25,830 --> 00:02:29,670
other side of that, when you do face things, you grow
39
00:02:29,670 --> 00:02:33,510
in your confidence. Even though you may not be pleased
40
00:02:33,510 --> 00:02:36,390
with your performance, you're honest about it and you're facing it,
41
00:02:37,030 --> 00:02:40,670
and you are gaining confidence in the process. You're learning,
42
00:02:40,670 --> 00:02:44,350
you're gaining clarity, you're improving your relationships because trust is
43
00:02:44,350 --> 00:02:47,690
improving. And you actually have more free time because you're getting
44
00:02:47,770 --> 00:02:51,130
decisions made, you're getting things done. You're not stuck
45
00:02:51,530 --> 00:02:55,170
focusing on these elephants and not making progress. And, you
46
00:02:55,170 --> 00:02:58,450
know, profitability actually increases, which is a huge deal, because
47
00:02:58,450 --> 00:03:02,090
profit is a sign that you're running your business
48
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,770
well. It's a reward for Running your business well, and it
49
00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:09,610
matters. And this topic matters. Little story I
50
00:03:09,610 --> 00:03:12,370
want to share with you, and it's hard for me to share. I had to
51
00:03:12,370 --> 00:03:16,170
face this actually today, so it hit me really hard and in a way
52
00:03:16,170 --> 00:03:19,530
I actually didn't expect. So I've been doing this workout program called
53
00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:23,330
75 Hard. You can look it up if you want to know. There's these specific
54
00:03:23,330 --> 00:03:26,850
things you do every day. It's very rigid, and it's a great process.
55
00:03:27,089 --> 00:03:30,450
It's something I've attempted three times, and I
56
00:03:30,450 --> 00:03:34,090
failed. I failed because I didn't get it
57
00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:37,810
done. And here's the story. I went through this process of 75
58
00:03:37,810 --> 00:03:41,500
hard the third time, and I got to day. I think we got to day
59
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:45,260
20, and I missed two workouts. And I'm doing this with
60
00:03:45,260 --> 00:03:48,900
my friend named Luke. Business owner, great guy.
61
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:53,060
I didn't want to tell Luke that I had missed those workouts. Not because of
62
00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:56,660
actually the workouts, but because of what it meant to my
63
00:03:56,660 --> 00:04:00,020
ego, into my image, and how he would view me
64
00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:04,180
wanting to be the guy who follows through, wanting to be perfect.
65
00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:08,590
And I told myself, if I tell Luke, and I
66
00:04:08,590 --> 00:04:12,270
won't lie to you and say I considered not telling him and just
67
00:04:12,270 --> 00:04:16,030
going on, but that was something I couldn't make peace with
68
00:04:16,830 --> 00:04:20,110
if I. I told myself if I tell him, I'll let him down.
69
00:04:20,590 --> 00:04:24,070
I told myself that maybe that will throw him off track on his
70
00:04:24,070 --> 00:04:27,910
progress with 75 hard. I told myself that maybe from
71
00:04:27,910 --> 00:04:31,600
that point on, he's going to see me differently. And that
72
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,120
wasn't the truth. I don't even know what his response is yet because I just
73
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,760
sent him the text telling him that I had missed my two workouts. But the
74
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:42,560
real truth is that I didn't want to see. I didn't want to be
75
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,399
seen differently. I was protecting my ego. I
76
00:04:46,399 --> 00:04:49,640
was protecting what I felt was like a seat at his table,
77
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,560
and it was my image. That's avoidance.
78
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,820
That's not leadership. And this is what
79
00:04:57,820 --> 00:05:00,540
leaders do. This is exactly what leaders do. They
80
00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:04,860
show up where it matters, honestly,
81
00:05:05,340 --> 00:05:09,100
with integrity. They step into it and they show up and they
82
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,540
have the hard conversation. So when tension rises
83
00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:16,340
within you like it did with me with 75 hard and
84
00:05:16,340 --> 00:05:19,580
Luke, you have. You have three options.
85
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:23,470
You can react. You can react. You can
86
00:05:23,470 --> 00:05:27,110
withdraw and avoid and procrastinate, or you can lead.
87
00:05:27,590 --> 00:05:31,190
And today I'm going to give you three decisions that will change how
88
00:05:31,190 --> 00:05:33,670
you show up in those moments.
89
00:05:34,790 --> 00:05:38,590
Decision number one, Stay out of the
90
00:05:38,590 --> 00:05:42,270
noise. Stay out of the Ego. Stay away from the tangents, stay
91
00:05:42,270 --> 00:05:46,110
away from the drama. Get to the core. Like
92
00:05:46,110 --> 00:05:49,750
in my case, the core was my image and how Luke would actually view me.
93
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:54,200
Kelsey, my executive assistant, Our executive assistant actually called me
94
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,440
out on this recently based on one of our
95
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,240
7Up meetings. I can get sidetracked in these meetings.
96
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,720
We meet every Monday at 9:30. I layer issues
97
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,560
instead of getting straight to the core and it looks productive,
98
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:12,600
but it's actually not. It's actually avoidance. It's actually not wanting to
99
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:16,070
have the hard conversations. It shows up in these
100
00:06:16,070 --> 00:06:19,430
meetings as me talking about the same issue repeatedly
101
00:06:19,750 --> 00:06:23,550
and making excuses and blaming circumstances and blaming
102
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:27,110
other people, blaming other vendors, blaming my own
103
00:06:28,070 --> 00:06:31,790
lack of confidence, whatever. It may be going to the emotional
104
00:06:31,790 --> 00:06:35,030
side, but it's not changing behavior.
105
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:39,110
And that's not problem solving. That's drama. That's
106
00:06:39,110 --> 00:06:42,830
going on a tangent. That's avoidance. That's me
107
00:06:42,990 --> 00:06:46,750
not facing the core issue. And a lot of times it shows up
108
00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:49,310
as perfectionism and procrastination.
109
00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:54,750
It shows up as perfectionism and procrastination.
110
00:06:55,550 --> 00:06:59,030
Drama is often a substitute for real
111
00:06:59,030 --> 00:07:02,830
courage. So in your next
112
00:07:02,830 --> 00:07:06,270
meeting, ask, are we
113
00:07:06,270 --> 00:07:08,910
talking about the real issue right now?
114
00:07:10,050 --> 00:07:12,290
If not, interrupt that cycle.
115
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,970
Pause with them
116
00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:20,890
and pause within yourself. Interrupt it. What's the real
117
00:07:20,890 --> 00:07:22,690
issue that we need to solve here?
118
00:07:24,690 --> 00:07:28,530
So I wrote a breakdown of how to have these courageous conversations
119
00:07:28,530 --> 00:07:32,130
and I'm going to link in the show notes here to a
120
00:07:32,130 --> 00:07:35,560
blog post that I wrote maybe a year or two ago. Go ahead and check
121
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:39,320
it out and read it. If this is something, if there's something
122
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,680
you're avoiding decision number two.
123
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:47,760
As a leader, you are somebody who is mining. You're
124
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,480
digging deeper for conflict instead of avoiding it. They're all
125
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,960
looking at you to do this as the leader. And this is where most
126
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,960
teams get stuck. Leaders don't address
127
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:02,690
each other directly. People are frustrated, but they
128
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:05,650
don't actually say it. And then they build resentment. And
129
00:08:06,370 --> 00:08:09,810
that's the way you build resentment. That's the way that
130
00:08:09,970 --> 00:08:13,250
you have long standing resentment. Teams talk around issues
131
00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:17,730
based on performance and behaviors instead of talking
132
00:08:17,890 --> 00:08:20,690
through them and getting to the other side.
133
00:08:21,650 --> 00:08:25,010
I see this all the time. And when you ask
134
00:08:26,860 --> 00:08:30,700
people when you recognize this, if you're the leader, what are you afraid of?
135
00:08:31,420 --> 00:08:34,940
What are you afraid of? You can open up a door to having honest
136
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:39,180
discussions if you ask yourself that question. What are you afraid of?
137
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:42,620
Why are you not having this conversation? Are you afraid of losing your seat at
138
00:08:42,620 --> 00:08:46,180
the table? Are you afraid of being excluded? Are you afraid of being judged what
139
00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:49,420
are you afraid will happen if you address the core issue? Will you lose business
140
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:53,180
at such a high level that you feel your life's going to fall apart and
141
00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:56,730
your business is going to fall apart if you address the core issue? Those
142
00:08:57,450 --> 00:09:01,290
are things to lean into. And when you tap into that emotion and you add
143
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:04,770
truth to it and perspective to it through your team and other people's
144
00:09:04,770 --> 00:09:08,410
perspectives, it's going to change everything. People
145
00:09:08,410 --> 00:09:12,130
don't avoid conflict because they don't see it. They
146
00:09:12,130 --> 00:09:15,970
avoid it because it's uncomfortable, because it might require
147
00:09:15,970 --> 00:09:19,770
them to look at themselves and change. So when
148
00:09:19,770 --> 00:09:22,730
you need to address something and you know
149
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:26,700
you need to address things, you know, if you're honest with yourself because you've been
150
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:30,260
avoiding it, say what you've been letting slide in that
151
00:09:30,260 --> 00:09:33,980
interaction, in that email, hopefully face to face as
152
00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:37,380
much as you possibly can. But it is appropriate at times to use other means.
153
00:09:38,340 --> 00:09:41,380
Be specific. Share the impact.
154
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:45,740
Don't let the expectation not be set in
155
00:09:45,740 --> 00:09:49,540
that interaction. Ask for their take, ask for their opinion and listen.
156
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:54,020
Listen. So I had a leader recently that had brought up to me a situation
157
00:09:54,020 --> 00:09:57,620
that they had avoided a number of different times. We walked through those
158
00:09:57,700 --> 00:10:01,180
five different points. Be specific. What is the issue that he was
159
00:10:01,180 --> 00:10:04,860
avoiding facing? Well, he wanted to face it with one of his leaders, but what
160
00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:08,100
is the issue that he wants the behavior he sees in one of his leaders
161
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:11,820
that he's not addressing? Share the impact that has on the team on
162
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:15,300
their communication, on the progress of the business. Share the
163
00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:18,970
expectation that you want to see changed. Ask for their take on it
164
00:10:18,970 --> 00:10:22,770
and then listen. And then listen. And that may be the
165
00:10:22,770 --> 00:10:26,130
majority of the conversation because you're getting them and you're going to have to pause
166
00:10:26,130 --> 00:10:29,770
and be okay with those silent moments
167
00:10:29,770 --> 00:10:33,330
where the other person thinks and in some cases is called on the
168
00:10:33,330 --> 00:10:36,810
carpet towards accountability, which is a way to help people.
169
00:10:37,530 --> 00:10:40,970
Accountability equals support. Accountability
170
00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:45,000
does not equal being mean. Most people
171
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,800
avoid conflict because they. Not because they don't
172
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:52,600
care. They avoid it because they don't know how.
173
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:57,640
So when you feel that tension rising up inside of you, what
174
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,920
am I not saying right now? Go ahead and say it.
175
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,600
Say it clearly. Be direct
176
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,520
and then don't over explain. Which is another pattern I see a lot of leaders
177
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:11,240
falling into. They're trying to convince by over explaining.
178
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:16,130
Don't do that. Let it sit with them. Ask for what you want.
179
00:11:16,130 --> 00:11:19,890
Express what the behavior is and ask them the question, how
180
00:11:19,890 --> 00:11:23,730
does that sit with you? What's your perspective on that? The third
181
00:11:23,730 --> 00:11:27,290
decision as a leader, to make is to
182
00:11:27,690 --> 00:11:31,090
lead instead of reacting, lead instead of
183
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:34,930
withdrawing. When the tension rises inside of you, you really have
184
00:11:34,930 --> 00:11:38,450
three different decisions that you can make in that moment and you're
185
00:11:38,450 --> 00:11:41,510
responsible for for what you do. You can react
186
00:11:42,150 --> 00:11:45,830
by getting defensive, by arguing your point, by being
187
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:49,550
overly emotional, by throwing your hands up in the air, by
188
00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:53,230
getting sucked into the drama. You can withdraw by avoiding,
189
00:11:53,230 --> 00:11:56,710
by making excuses why you can't meet, why you can't have that conversation,
190
00:11:57,030 --> 00:12:00,870
just shutting down internally or being in the conversation and not actually engaging,
191
00:12:01,110 --> 00:12:04,710
not bringing in any hope. Or you can lead.
192
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:10,160
You can retain your power by leading, by being clear, by being
193
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:14,000
calm, and then by being direct. Leadership is
194
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,800
not convincing someone that you are right. Leadership is
195
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,040
being clear about how you're going to show up in that interaction.
196
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:26,040
Walking on eggshells isn't a personality trait that you have
197
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:29,320
or someone else has where they just make you walk on
198
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:33,030
eggshells. Walking on eggshells is your decision
199
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:38,310
to get sucked into the drama, to go down that tangent.
200
00:12:38,870 --> 00:12:41,990
It's your decision to bring the truth out,
201
00:12:42,550 --> 00:12:46,150
to address the fear, to be clear, to be
202
00:12:46,150 --> 00:12:49,750
direct and to engage. So when you're reacting
203
00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:53,550
or withdrawing, you're protecting yourself. That's
204
00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:56,630
your ego showing up, that's your self protection showing up.
205
00:12:56,950 --> 00:13:00,680
Leadership is stepping out of that and recognizing that that
206
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,120
is protection. That is my ego, that is my image.
207
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,400
And choosing to lead anyway.
208
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:12,480
Choosing to lead anyway. In those
209
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,960
moments ask am I reacting, am I
210
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:19,600
withdrawing or am I leading? And then choose, say what you
211
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:23,200
actually want, stay steady, don't try to
212
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,920
convince and over explain. I see that with leaders. Sometimes they're
213
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:30,560
afraid of actually even having these types of interactions because they feel
214
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:34,080
they're going to get so emotional because they feel that they're going to over
215
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:37,600
explain and get into to a debate. But that is still their
216
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:41,240
choice. That is them choosing to walk on eggshells in those
217
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:45,000
interactions. But they have a different choice they can make. They can choose to
218
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,840
be steady, to be clear, to be calm. They can choose to follow
219
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,540
up when they don't get a response. Here are those
220
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:56,340
three decisions again. So number one, stay out of the noise, stay out
221
00:13:56,340 --> 00:13:59,980
of the drama and get at the core. Number two, mind for
222
00:13:59,980 --> 00:14:03,500
conflict, be the leader who people know is going to get at the core issue.
223
00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:07,540
Don't avoid it. And number three is choose to lead, not
224
00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:11,100
to react, which is a choice as well. And not to withdraw. Choose to step
225
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:14,820
into it and lead calmly and clearly. So here's the
226
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:18,530
question for you, the listener. What's one conversation
227
00:14:18,530 --> 00:14:21,930
that you know you need to have right now. You all. You already
228
00:14:22,170 --> 00:14:25,930
know it. You already know it because you're
229
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:29,730
probably potentially complaining to other people about it but not actually addressing
230
00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:33,530
it directly. You already know it because you're creating triangulation.
231
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:37,690
You already know it because it's causing you tremendous anxiety. Low
232
00:14:37,690 --> 00:14:41,370
grade under the surface anxiety. You already know it.
233
00:14:41,370 --> 00:14:44,530
But the question is, will you lead through through it?
234
00:14:46,850 --> 00:14:50,370
Let me challenge you before you go. If nothing
235
00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:53,970
changes after this episode, it wasn't
236
00:14:54,450 --> 00:14:58,050
this content. It was your willingness to
237
00:14:58,050 --> 00:15:01,890
act on this content. So what are you
238
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:05,530
avoiding right now? The conversation.
239
00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:09,210
You're avoiding the decision. You're avoiding the step you
240
00:15:09,210 --> 00:15:12,030
already know clearly that you need to take.
241
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:17,230
Don't overthink it. Don't wait for perfection.
242
00:15:17,790 --> 00:15:20,990
Don't wait for perfect clarity. Don't wait for the perfect strategy.
243
00:15:21,390 --> 00:15:24,910
You decide because
244
00:15:24,910 --> 00:15:28,510
there's no positive change until you do. And your
245
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:32,230
legacy actually depends on it. And it's being
246
00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:35,590
shaped by what you're choosing or what you are
247
00:15:35,590 --> 00:15:39,160
avoiding today. Decide,
248
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,880
act and repeat. Live
249
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,760
the life today that you want to be remembered for.
250
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:51,520
You decide your legacy. Nobody else. You can't blame
251
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:55,360
it on other people. I will see you next episode and in
252
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,760
the process, we're going to have episode for you. Number 200.
253
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,800
And if you found this content helpful, give it a rating and review on Apple
254
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,640
or Spotify. Share it with your friends. Share it with. Share it with somebody that
255
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:10,400
you work with that helps it grow organically. Super excited to launch.
256
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,200
Number 200. We got something very special for you. I will see you
257
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:14,440
then.
