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We are complex. We have an
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ego, we have a self, and
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we have these complex minds that we barely understand. I mean,
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it's pretty amazing how
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we can shift to a different state if we're
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triggered. And there's a. There's a reason for that. Our
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psyche. Our psyche. It's like the voice
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inside of your head is one way of thinking about it. It's
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that. It's that thing that chimes up inside. I mean, the word
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psychological comes from the psyche. So
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there's. There's an ego and then there's a self.
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And your ego's job is to protect you,
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is to keep you safe. It chimes in and tells you it's
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going to go bad, it's going to go wrong. Then your true self, it
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is. It's what encompasses. It's the whole of you. And
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it's actually going to have a primary motion
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of love and it's going to want to reach out and want to help. So
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people that I've worked with in coaching and myself included, and my
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friends and everybody, everybody has a part of themselves that's. That's an ego,
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right? And in this context today, we're going to talk about it as a
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protector. It's protecting you from getting hurt again. We're going
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to break that down in the show today. So I'm going to give you three
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ways you can actually get out of your ego. Get out of the protector, calm
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the voice there, and actually act out of yourself. And so as
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leaders, we want to act from this confident place, from a place of
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ourself, not out of ego. Ego protects us. It keeps people
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at a distance. It's fearful. The protector, that is
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the ego. I'm going to call it the protector from now on. I mean, its
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primary motto is never again. Never again. I'm not going to get hurt like that
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again. I'm not going to get betrayed like that again. I'm not going to get
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taken advantage of that like. Like that again. I'm going to orient my life in
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a way where I'm never going to get hurt again, and then it costs you
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dearly. So we're going to talk about this protector and
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how it's running your life today. In fact, in many ways, it's probably
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ruining parts of your life and you don't know it.
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You're going to get three decisions you can make to actually
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start getting distance from the protector, to recognize
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it and not let it actually damage your life any longer. And I'm going to
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talk to you like I always do in simple concepts that are easily
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applied and that you could teach to somebody else quickly. And
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they're going to be able to understand them as well.
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So. Welcome to the Decide youe Legacy podcast. I'm your host,
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Adam Gragg. I'm a coach and a family therapist, and
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I founded Decide youe Legacy in 2012. And what
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we do is we help leaders and
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their teams address the issues they're avoiding
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so they can take productive action and make progress. From my
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point of view, everyone is a leader. And from
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my point of view, everybody has a protective
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part of themselves that is impacting their leadership,
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impacting their connection with other people, keeping them closed
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and fearful. And we can change that today
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to have more hope, to have more peace of mind, to live in a way
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where we can actually build relationships, build connections with
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other people. So when two egos are
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interacting, there's competition, there's
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one upping. People are
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looking with judgment on the other person. I'm
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not good enough or I'm better than them. They should appreciate me or
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I'm entitled to something. And this mentality we
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know is the protector. And so what I'm talking about today comes out
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of internal family systems, which is a therapeutic
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modality to help people who have dealt with trauma. Because
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the protector is formed during traumatic events in our
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lives when we've been hurt. So that really makes sense because if you. It is
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a part of our psyche that says, I'm not going to let that happen again,
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and so I'm going to do whatever I can to not get hurt again. And
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then it becomes dysfunctional because it starts to read situations as
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being dangerous that it needs to protect you from because it reminds
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your part of that part of your psyche reminds you of what hurt you in
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the past. So you're automatically triggered and
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we're not even actually aware of it when it actually happens.
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We're usually not even aware when that's our protector is coming
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out. Because it's deceptive. It can come out
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as insecurity. It can come out as anger. It can come out
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as deceptive communication, can come out as passive
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aggressive behavior. It can come out as passive
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behavior. It can come out as violence
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inflicting harm on somebody else. It can come out and justifying it
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and rationalizing it because we don't want to get hurt again, so we're going to
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inflict violence on somebody else. The protective part of ourselves is
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drawn to drama. It's drawn to drama because in
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drama it can stay safe and it feels needed.
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So if I Feel needed and I'm utilized, then I feel okay with myself.
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I feel like I'm doing my job. And so it is, is drawn. And you
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can see this in people's lives. People who, who live with,
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with a lot of self protection, they tend to be,
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and they would, they would classify it as victims of drama, but I would say
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they enter drama, they invite fights with people.
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And I can do that myself. I mean, recently I invited a fight because my
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protector. And I'm going to share personal illustrations today.
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So you're not going to want to miss this today because I'm going to share
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some stuff that, how the protective part of me has
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derailed my life even just in the last week. So I,
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my, my daughter Emerson graduated from high school last year and
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I felt some disappointment that my mom and dad and
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my, and some of my family didn't
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come. So her, she had some aunts and uncle, aunt and uncle that
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came in and aunt and uncle that didn't come. And I felt disappointed by that
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because, because it was, it was hard. I was really wanting to celebrate that. And
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I, I feel like to me it's one of those things you just make it
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work. You kind of like schedule around it. You know, this is going to happen.
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You've probably known for 10 years that she's going to graduate. You know, like
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you've known it for a long time and you know, figure it out because it's
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really important to somebody else. Like their wedding, I mean, wedding is super important too,
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but I mean, you don't, you have less time to plan. You do have time
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to plan for graduation. So I was disappointed my mom and dad didn't come
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and I hadn't vented that I hadn't really expressed it. I didn't want to
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make them feel guilty, but actually I really did is what I've realized. So
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my mom and I were talking on the way home from work and I, she
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asked me what I was doing and I said, well, I'm buying
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tickets to go out to Bella's graduation. Bella's my niece in New
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Orleans. And if I was more self aware in
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the moment, I knew that was going to trigger my mom. And you can say,
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well, you know, you didn't say anything bad, you didn't say anything rude. You just
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told her what you really literally were doing. I wasn't lying about that, but I
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knew through wisdom that that was going to trigger my mom. And I
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should have stayed away from it because I really truly knew that I was inviting
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a fight when I Shared that. And a few days later, it
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didn't turn out well. It turned out really bad actually, because it
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triggered my mom's protector. And when you have two protectors
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interacting with each other, it doesn't really go well. Same thing as two egos.
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And so she was operating out of a place
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that wasn't great. I was operating out of a place that wasn't great.
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And it just derailed. And I knew after
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I had processed it, really for probably 24 hours, I knew I had done wrong.
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I knew. I in my heart, I knew that it was the wrong
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thing to even bring it up. And I didn't have to even share it. She
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could have asked me when what are you doing? And I could have said, well,
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I'm going home to make dinner and relax and go running. Which I was
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as well. But I wanted to dig the knife in because that was
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my protector saying, you know, dig the knife into your mom so
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she doesn't hurt you again so you're not hurt again. And then
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three days later, I apologized to my mom. She
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had done some things as a reaction to my protector that were very hurtful,
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but I had to own the fact that I started
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the fight and I initiated the fight and it
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happened because of my listening to
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my own fear and I need to take responsibility for that. And I
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did. And she thanked me and I told her I was coming out to visit
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for Easter, which I am. And it actually ended up
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being a good interaction, which another point is, apology
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is one of the biggest and best ways to build relationships. I mean,
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if you legitimately own and apologize, people, people start trusting you.
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It's one of the hardest things to do in a relationship too. Why? That's
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another podcast episode. So the three decisions you can make to
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start, because the protector is running your life
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and you don't know it, three decisions you can make to start knowing it and
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to start really not letting it have the power in your life because you're
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giving the power away to your self protection and it's hurting
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you greatly. So first decision is to become
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aware. And by becoming aware, you're going to have
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a feeling in your body when that self defense is
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rising up inside of you. Some people feel it in their chest, some people
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feel it in their shoulders, some people feel it in their mouth, some people feel
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it in their feet. And there's an amazing
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way that we can step back from our own lives and analyze what
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we're thinking and analyze what we're feeling and be able to draw light to it.
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So that it no longer has that kind of power over us. And
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I feel, and I know in fact that that is
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often for me the first thing that I can recognize. Like
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because I get tense in my heart, I feel it in my heart when I'm
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being self protective. I'm not relaxed, I'm tense, I'm not open.
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And my mind and my thinking is all going towards self
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protection. How can I not get hurt? And how can I interact in a way
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where it's going to keep people in a way where I can try to control
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them and it's not positive. And so
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if you feel it in your wherever you feel it, that's a great place to
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start. And then you can say, hey, that's my protector.
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That's your signal. My protector is showing up. Even something small
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like bringing up a
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easy topic like where do we go to dinner? Where do you want to go
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to dinner? I mean there's little things that can remind us of our past
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that trigger our protector. And
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when I feel it in myself, that's when I get controlling
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and that's when I get even passive aggressive. That's when I get
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passive because it's in that moment that
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I'm starting to act in a way that is not my true
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self. Now your true self is the creative
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aspects of your life. It's your unique
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giftings and talents it's utilizing. Like in the
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parable of the talents in
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Matthew, I believe, I'm not sure how many gospels, but anyway, you're probably familiar
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with it. Well, you know, people are given and it's a metaphor for
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more than just money. It's a metaphor for the giftings that God's given you to
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help other to resources, what you can utilize. So if you're
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treasuring your talents, then of course you're going to use them for
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the benefit of others. And if you're self protective, you're going to hide them. Like
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there were three people in that parable, One of them invested his. He was given
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five talents. He invested them and he made five more. One of them had
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three talents. He invested them, he took a risk with them, he risked losing
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them honestly. And then he gained three more. And then one hit it in the
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ground where it couldn't be lost, where it couldn't be taken. And then the
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master came who gave him the money and called the one who invested the
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one who had dug a hole and put the 1 talent in the hole. What
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I mean, he said, you, you're a wicked and lazy servant. You're Lazy, you know,
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and he gave that one talent after it was dug up to the guy that
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had 10. Pretty amazing like. And there's so much
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depth to that right there. And the
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protector is keeping us from using our talents. And that's why I'm saying it's robbing
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us. Now. How does it actually form? Well,
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one great question to actually ask clients or friends or whatever is like, what's your
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earliest memory? Because a lot of people have earliest memories around age 4
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or 5. And sometimes when they've had significant trauma as a
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child, been exposed to significant trauma, they can have earlier memories that are
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actually very clear. I've had clients in 27 years as a
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therapist, share stories from age three
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and even from age two in some situations.
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Now there's real evidence that you have age 5
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to 7. Those are very formative times in a child's life
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that they start interpreting the world through how the world
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is functioning at age 5 to 7. That parts of their
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psyche, including the protector, is formed at that point.
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But it can also have very strong roots in other traumatic events in your life.
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So for me, I can think of my protector getting very, very strong,
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much stronger than it had been in years and years at age 41. And I
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had significant trauma happen at age 41. So that was when I
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realized that my marriage was falling apart. So
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it's fascinating because even at times
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I've thought, huh, okay, so it's
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almost like that part of me is
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still 41 years old, that protector is still functioning like it was functioning when
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I was 41, to help me survive a traumatic situation. So
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it's still helping me now. You
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have. There's just strong roots to ptsd, man. Strong roots to how
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we function based on the traumatic situations we've had. And then
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it is again causing you damage when you don't recognize it
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in the moment. Because other people do recognize it. Often they will.
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And your close friends, your monkeys, they'll see you're functioning in a
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self protective fashion and help you to see potentially that
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it's something you can step back from and just recognize. So that's my first
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challenge to clients as and as they're starting to try
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and recognize how self protection is impacting their life, impacting
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their leadership, impacting how they interact with those they supervise and their clients,
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how they're acting in a guarded way and they start to just notice it and
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then they can respond differently. Because if you're in a professional
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interaction and somebody is accusatory or they're saying, hey, you
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didn't fulfill your contract and I want to default or whatever on the car or
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hey, you know, you're not following through and they're trying to blame you. And if
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your protector chimes in then you're going to interact in a way
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that is actually in the drama. You're stepping into the drama
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rather than being distant from it, observing it, getting clarity,
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being calm, asking calm questions, engaging and
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building a relationship. And people that live from their protector,
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often they're highly, highly triggering. I mean they can
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be highly accusatory because that again,
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if they're acting in that way, living from a point of
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self protection is safer than them having honest, open
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conversations with people. It's safer because those
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honest, open relationships that they had in their past,
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some of them have betrayed them and hurt them deeply.
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And so it reminds them if I let my guard down, then I'm going to,
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you're going to get hurt again. So again, the motto
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of the protector is never again. And
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the motto of the true self is love
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is how can I love, how can I live, how can I live life? How
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can I love, how can I reach out? It's all the same thing. I mean,
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how can I have adventure in my life? That's its motto. It looks for that,
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it looks for that. So, and it goes and engages in things that
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are going to help it unleash itself. And it's all
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healthy. I mean the self is not selfish. It's not the same thing. I mean
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all the self, true self stuff does, is healthy. That's why really
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people who have done things that they really regret that are in
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prison or are in really tough
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situations, they can still, they still do have a self. It's like they're
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two different people. There are times their self comes out and I see like
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there's times when somebody that might be a murderer and is in prison
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and interacting in a very loving, compassionate way towards other people. Not
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a self protective, self advanced and take advantage narcissistic
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fashion, they're actually reaching out to people. I mean there's kindness in prison.
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I've never lived there, but I mean I know that. I've heard stories, I mean
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you've heard stories too. You know people that impact other people
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in that setting, in whatever setting it's actually. And there's kindness in the front
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lines of war. There's kindness that can happen in the most
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desperate situations where people help other others
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because they're getting outside of the selfishness, outside of their own ego
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and they're actually reaching out to other people. So if you found this
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podcast helpful so far, and I got two more decisions you can make to
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recognize the protector and to get out of it is
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you can hit the link to subscribe to Shatterproof Yourself Light.
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And these are seven small steps to build your confidence.
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I walk you through stuff and it's content I've developed over the last 20 years.
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It's gonna, it has a worksheet and a video and you can go through
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it quickly. It's about 40 minutes long or so
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and you're gonna find it really helpful. You gotta complete the worksheet as you
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go and it's gonna give you space from the protector as well,
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along with helping you build healthy relationships and recognize how
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to, how to build a high
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level of self, build yourself the self concept
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to really build that up. It's gonna help you to see how to and
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clarify how to clarify a vision for your future in a really powerful manner
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as well. So you wanna hit the link and check out Shatterproof Yourself Light. So
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the second decision to put your
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protector at bay is to talk kindly to it. Now this
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sounds really strange because. What, talk to myself? Well,
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yeah, I mean, this is a big deal. And how do we do that? Well,
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journaling can be talking to yourself. You're writing thoughts to yourself
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that are contradictory or in opposition of
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thoughts that you're having. You're telling yourself the truth.
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And you can talk kindly by thanking that protector that
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formed in your life that to keep you safe, never again, I'm never going to
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get hurt again. And be kind to it saying, you know, thank you,
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you served a role in the past, but it's
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just not functioning well now with you leading the ship.
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So I don't want your help in this situation, protector. I can
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handle this. And you're kind to that part of yourself.
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It'll amaze you because the reason it'll amaze you is because it'll
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respond as you tell it the truth. Your psyche
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responds to things when you tell it the truth and when you let it know
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that you're going to lead, that yourself is going to lead because it
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wants to be led, it doesn't want to have to lead. It's like an
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employee that has a boss that's not willing to make decisions.
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Well, the employee feels really insecure and it feels like it has to
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protect himself or herself. They have to protect themselves because the boss
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isn't looking out for the company and, and looking out for the financial future of
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the company and the boss isn't moving the business towards a Vision and the
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boss isn't making the hard decision. So it's going to have to start doing it
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for, for itself. And eventually it'll probably be looking for a new job because
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he, it knows that employee knows that I
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can't be in a business long term that doesn't have somebody leading.
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I can't do it. So we, we need leaders
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and we have to lead ourselves to be that kind of leader for our protector.
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So you talk kindly and instead of fighting it, you want to acknowledge it
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and say, okay, I hear you. So for me, I mean, romance can
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trigger my protector and I can be really negative at times
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and make up stuff because instead of getting hurt,
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I will just demonize somebody. I'll make them out to be bad
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or out to get me. And I don't feel like I'm doing that
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as much. I feel like I'm seeing a lot clearer in that area. And it's
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pretty exciting actually because, you know, I, I went through a really
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difficult divorce, but then I've had other people
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who weren't trustworthy, who I let my guard down with and
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luckily didn't get too deep in it, but didn't
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I? Because that's the whole thing is like you, you can have this strong
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protector and you can even choose at times to
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totally not listen to it when it's trying to help
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protect you in situations that are, are dangerous,
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but you're not, you're not willing to see it. So it's a little
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bit confusing. But what I would say in those situations where
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in one in particular where I did, did let my guard down after the divorce
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and got, and got hurt some, I mean, let my
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guard down and then realized it wasn't a
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trustworthy situation. A situation where I should have had trust is I
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wasn't listening to myself because myself was telling me be careful.
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Myself was telling me some things don't add up, myself was telling me,
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you know, this person's not recognizing your strengths and wanting to
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utilize them. They're, they're interested in themselves. So myself was
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getting drawn into their protector, who was, who I was
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interacting with and I wasn't being myself. So
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yeah, it sounds confusing, but you start talking to your protector,
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thanking it, it's not broken, it's just overdoing it.
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It's just overdoing it based on the trauma in the past. And when I
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journal this out, I step into leadership
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instead of reaction, I step into
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gratitude for what the protector has done because it did get me
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through a very tough situation in many situations. In my life.
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It just doesn't need to do that now.
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Pretty powerful and exciting. And by the way, just a little side
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note is that we call some of this
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psychologically disassociation. So
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multiple personality disorder is a term that was used
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a long time ago. It's not utilized as much because
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in psychological settings we just don't give credence to that outside of just
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a disassociative tendency. So people can disassociate
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so much from a part of their life that they may act in a way
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that's so different than how they normally act. And
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an example would be that a person with a really large protector,
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they may act in that in situations
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where they're triggered, they may act very different than when they're around
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one of their friends who they have a lot of trust in.
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And so they act out of their self in that setting. They open up, they're
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calm. And their friend, as they describe this other
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situation where they're acting in a self protective
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fashion, doesn't see the same person interacting with them. It's very
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incongruent. And so we have multiple parts to
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our psyche in including multiple protectors. You can have
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a protector in maybe business settings because you've been
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hurt and burned in business settings, but maybe not so much
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around your wife because you have a lot of history and trust with your
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wife or protector that rises up with your parents because you've been
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hurt in that relationship, but not so much with
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some of your friends because you've learned to calm your central
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nervous system in those relationships. So pretty powerful
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stuff. So the third decision though, and this is the one that I get most
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excited about, is you can start in order to
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calm the protector. You can start showing up as your true
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self. And your true
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self loves people. Your true self wants to be open
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and wants to trust because it takes trust in order to love
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people. Your true self does things that you know
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you've been avoiding because it loves. It's willing to do things
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like sacrifice, like being
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convenienced. It's willing to and even excited about
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showing up for its friends. And it's even excited about showing
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up for itself and getting those workouts in and having
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those hard conversations and doing the journaling and doing the reading and doing whatever it
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takes to unleash itself
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because it's worth it. I'll say to myself, sometimes, like,
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I show up not to prove my value, but because I already know
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it. That's what the self actually does. That's what it means to show up. I
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Show up and I lead. Not to prove I'm worthy, not to prove that I
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can perform, not to prove that I am likable, not to prove that I
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am smart. I show up because
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I want to add value. And I know I do, I know I do. I
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know I have value. And I can bring that to the situation. So it
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takes action to show up as your true self. It takes having the
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conversation, it takes engaging the risky
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endeavor. It takes not playing it safe, it takes having
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the cold shower. Just kidding about that one. But maybe it does
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take that because you're showing up for yourself and that does calm your central nervous
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system down. And this is where gratitude comes in.
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Because you're by willful action, choosing to
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have gratitude is choosing to focus your attention
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on the good in your life and what can happen that's good in the
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future. And it is a willful action, it is a powerful action.
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And gratitude reminds you that you have so much
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and that you can be a steward of the many blessings that you have been
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given and all these talents that are uniquely yours,
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regardless of the mistakes that you've made. God's grace
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continues to give you opportunity and continues to give you talents
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to utilize. You can step up and show up for
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yourself. And when you show up for yourself, I mean you are showing up
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for other people because you're showing up by
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being your true self. And this comes out in really
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creative ways. When somebody, and in
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ifs what we call this sometimes one way of I like to understand it is
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you have these parts of your psyche that are called
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exiles. And an exile is a part
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of you that does good and that is
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impactful. But it's been exiled on a desert
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desert island because the protector won't let it come out. Those exiles
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threaten the protector. So
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loving other people can be an exile. This part of you, this part of your
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psyche that's creative can be exiled. This part of your
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psyche that is really has
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a great sense of humor has been exiled and it doesn't come out.
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And you letting it out might shock people around you because they're not used to
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seeing that part. They're used to seeing the protector. They're not used to seeing your
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exiles. So by showing up for yourself, you're engaging
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these exiled parts of yourself. So you may have a passion for
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reading Shakespeare and memorizing poetry,
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yet you've exiled it because you've lived out of the self protection
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function of your psyche. Or maybe you have a desire to draw
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and you've done it before and you really Have a great passion for it or
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music or animals.
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Maybe you've exiled the dog lover part of yourself because you had a
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dog that died, and you love that dog so much, you don't.
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Your protector says, no, never again. Never again.
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And so even looking at pictures of dogs can trigger you. Looking
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and being in a house with people that have dogs can potentially trigger you
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because it triggers your protector. But that's when you can speak kindly to
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your protector and say, like, hey, you know, it was really hard to lose Max.
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You know, I lost my dog. He was 16, in June, almost a year ago.
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And it was really hard to lose Max. Max. And those memories are never
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going away. This is me talking to my protector. And you
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have a lot of love to give. And at the right of time, right time,
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buying a dog could be an awesome, awesome thing for you.
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That's the protector, which is super cool.
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You're talking to your protector. That's not your protector talking. That's yourself talking to
460
00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:22,350
your protector. And then maybe over time, you start opening up to having
461
00:28:22,350 --> 00:28:26,110
another dog, which could be super fun, because dogs are cool,
462
00:28:27,150 --> 00:28:30,910
and I love dogs, and I miss Max. But, you know, and
463
00:28:30,910 --> 00:28:33,510
I feel like I'm open to getting a new dog. But I do feel like,
464
00:28:33,510 --> 00:28:36,470
too, though I'll say things and it can't be my protector. Like, it's so hard
465
00:28:36,470 --> 00:28:39,630
to travel with a dog. And I had some friends
466
00:28:40,190 --> 00:28:43,790
find a dog, stray dog, and thought it would be a great fit. And I
467
00:28:43,790 --> 00:28:46,910
told them, just not, not yet. I didn't say never again. I said, just not
468
00:28:46,910 --> 00:28:50,720
yet. Not yet. So do that drill. You know, you.
469
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:54,280
You start to incorporate something in your life that you know is exiled
470
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,840
is pushed away. That's a part of your true self, and you start to engage
471
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:01,680
in it. Maybe it's learning a musical instrument. I know for me, I have
472
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:05,320
felt like I've exiled certain fun parts of
473
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,960
myself, my sense of humor at times. And I won't even necessarily show
474
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:12,440
that when I'm around other people that have really strong protective functions.
475
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,770
But I don't really hold back like I used to. I know I'm working
476
00:29:16,770 --> 00:29:20,010
on the protector, chiming in in romantic
477
00:29:20,010 --> 00:29:23,370
relationships and just letting my true self come out,
478
00:29:23,530 --> 00:29:27,210
like, just being myself, having. Having
479
00:29:28,170 --> 00:29:31,450
fun and letting go, which is really exciting.
480
00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:35,530
So there's amazing stuff that can happen
481
00:29:35,530 --> 00:29:39,130
as you talk to your protective function, and you build your legacy by
482
00:29:39,130 --> 00:29:42,890
connecting to your true self. In these moments where the protector chimes
483
00:29:42,890 --> 00:29:46,620
in, you say kindly, hey, you know, I'm okay. I
484
00:29:46,620 --> 00:29:50,420
can handle this. I can the protector doesn't want
485
00:29:50,420 --> 00:29:54,140
change. You can speak kindly and say change is good in this situation. This is
486
00:29:54,140 --> 00:29:57,980
really good. This is really good. And you start thinking about
487
00:29:57,980 --> 00:30:01,620
how gratitude in your life and you start focusing on gratitude,
488
00:30:01,620 --> 00:30:04,940
knowing how much it can help you stop living in fear and start living from
489
00:30:04,940 --> 00:30:07,540
your true self, because it will. So today,
490
00:30:10,190 --> 00:30:13,950
today you're going to feel your protector show
491
00:30:13,950 --> 00:30:17,630
up. And you may even feel it right now because it's
492
00:30:17,630 --> 00:30:21,350
triggered listening to this podcast. When it does, I want
493
00:30:21,350 --> 00:30:24,510
you to pause. I want you just to notice how you're feeling. And
494
00:30:25,710 --> 00:30:29,230
according to Michael Singer, who wrote the Untethered Soul and
495
00:30:29,230 --> 00:30:32,910
Richard Schwartz wrote the book which I'll reference both of these books that I'm
496
00:30:32,910 --> 00:30:36,600
talking about. Richard Schwartz wrote no Bad Parts, which
497
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:40,280
is he's a creator of internal family systems. Took him like three decades to create
498
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:43,720
it. He wrote no Bad Parts book on recovering from trauma
499
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:47,400
and living a full life. And then Michael Singer wrote the
500
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:51,119
Untethered Soul. And Michael Singer has this thing where you
501
00:30:51,119 --> 00:30:54,840
notice that self protective part of you raise up and,
502
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:59,400
and when you're, when you're there and it's raising up like you're
503
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,760
in your car and you just notice how you feel and you notice it's chiming
504
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,530
in. Well, just remember, you know, you're sitting on a planet
505
00:31:06,610 --> 00:31:10,290
moving thousands of miles through the, through our solar system
506
00:31:10,930 --> 00:31:14,690
and speck of dust, you know, in this giant solar system
507
00:31:15,490 --> 00:31:19,250
and it's in control. And so many things are just
508
00:31:19,250 --> 00:31:22,930
perfect because we're the perfect distance from the sun
509
00:31:23,650 --> 00:31:27,170
to sustain human life. We have perfection
510
00:31:27,410 --> 00:31:30,810
all around us and it puts things in perspective when you
511
00:31:30,810 --> 00:31:34,650
recognize that and the protector will calm down because you're just
512
00:31:34,650 --> 00:31:38,290
being aware that it's chiming in. So you notice it, you talk kindly to it.
513
00:31:38,450 --> 00:31:42,210
And then you show up for yourself. You notice it, you talk
514
00:31:42,210 --> 00:31:45,810
kindly, you show up for yourself. So, and even ask yourself, if I wasn't trying
515
00:31:45,810 --> 00:31:49,130
to protect myself right now, how would I show up? That can give you some
516
00:31:49,130 --> 00:31:52,810
insight as well. So in closing, I want to share one last situation I
517
00:31:52,810 --> 00:31:56,210
had. I've been planning my graduation with my daughter
518
00:31:56,290 --> 00:31:59,930
and not my graduation, my going to my niece's graduation with
519
00:31:59,930 --> 00:32:03,520
Emerson. And Emerson gets out of school and she's trying
520
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,000
to arrange her schedule so that she can go to the graduation out there with
521
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:10,720
me from Wichita. But she's driving back and I'd like for her to
522
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,400
come back and make sure she can go. And she had said she could
523
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:17,640
go and she was going to fly from Boston and now she's going to drive
524
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:21,320
back to Wichita from Boston and have to fly from here. And she doesn't think
525
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:25,120
the graduation party is on Saturday and she's not going to get back in
526
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:28,050
town. She. Until, I guess until
527
00:32:28,690 --> 00:32:32,490
Friday. No, Saturday or Sunday. And so I responded to her and
528
00:32:32,490 --> 00:32:36,330
just. I. My protector was chiming in and was kind of like, hey,
529
00:32:36,330 --> 00:32:38,970
we got to go to the graduation. You know, you got to come home, figure
530
00:32:38,970 --> 00:32:41,770
out what you're going to do to go home. And. And then I stepped back
531
00:32:41,770 --> 00:32:43,970
from it and I felt like I was operating out of my true self. And
532
00:32:43,970 --> 00:32:47,690
I just said, emerson, whatever works for you. You know, if we can go
533
00:32:47,690 --> 00:32:51,450
on Sunday, we could, I mean, potentially
534
00:32:51,450 --> 00:32:53,650
even go on Monday. I didn't say that in the text. I just said, whatever
535
00:32:53,650 --> 00:32:56,450
works for you. We can just go to the graduation ceremony. That'll be really special
536
00:32:57,020 --> 00:32:59,500
to be there. And then we can stay a few days afterwards and hang out
537
00:32:59,500 --> 00:33:02,820
in New Orleans. Be great. But I didn't listen to my protector, and I feel
538
00:33:02,820 --> 00:33:06,580
like it's. The conversation's going much better because when you listen to your protector
539
00:33:06,580 --> 00:33:10,140
and you act on it, there's no limit to how far down you can go
540
00:33:10,140 --> 00:33:13,500
out of fear and protective behavior in.
541
00:33:13,740 --> 00:33:17,300
It triggers protective behavior in other people. I didn't trigger it in
542
00:33:17,300 --> 00:33:20,460
Emerson in that interaction. So I'm really, I'm happy about that because I didn't listen
543
00:33:20,460 --> 00:33:23,620
to it and I needed my friends to help me with that. And I mean,
544
00:33:23,620 --> 00:33:26,990
I did it without my friends telling me what to do. I didn't even actually
545
00:33:26,990 --> 00:33:30,750
process that with friends until after I had actually made the decision to just let
546
00:33:30,750 --> 00:33:33,830
go. But I did think of what a friend of mine says, Ben, he says,
547
00:33:33,830 --> 00:33:37,630
you know, be flexible, like water, whatever that means. Like be like
548
00:33:37,630 --> 00:33:41,350
water. You know, don't be, don't be rigid. So
549
00:33:41,350 --> 00:33:45,190
what insight have you gained today and what action are you as leaders going to
550
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:48,950
commit to taking? Because this way of functioning impacts
551
00:33:48,950 --> 00:33:52,710
your leadership, self protection impacts your leadership, and people see it in
552
00:33:52,710 --> 00:33:56,110
you. So decide to apply something today.
553
00:33:56,910 --> 00:34:00,590
Whatever you commit to and you actually do
554
00:34:00,590 --> 00:34:04,150
has the biggest impact. So 20% of change is by taking new
555
00:34:04,150 --> 00:34:07,910
actions. 80%. I'm sorry, 80% of change is by taking a
556
00:34:07,910 --> 00:34:10,750
new action, doing something different. What are you Gonna apply today?
557
00:34:11,230 --> 00:34:15,070
20% of making changes is insight. You gained insight today, but it means
558
00:34:15,070 --> 00:34:18,870
really very little unless you take some action. And that action, I challenge you, if
559
00:34:18,870 --> 00:34:22,579
you don't do anything, is just start noticing that protective part part of
560
00:34:22,579 --> 00:34:26,219
you. And another action is to subscribe and leave a
561
00:34:26,219 --> 00:34:29,539
rating and review for the Decide youe Legacy podcast that helps it grow
562
00:34:29,539 --> 00:34:33,019
organically and share it with a friend. Like share this
563
00:34:33,019 --> 00:34:36,099
specific episode with a friend. If you've listened to this and gotten to this point,
564
00:34:36,179 --> 00:34:39,579
there's something in here that resonated with you and just share it with somebody like,
565
00:34:39,579 --> 00:34:42,099
hey, this was helpful. I really think you could benefit from this.
566
00:34:42,979 --> 00:34:46,739
Don't. Don't dig it in. But like, hey, this was insightful. So
567
00:34:46,819 --> 00:34:50,339
to decide means by definition that you're eliminating other
568
00:34:50,339 --> 00:34:53,980
options and you're choosing one path. Your legacy is the impact
569
00:34:53,980 --> 00:34:57,780
that your life has on others. There's no positive change until you
570
00:34:57,780 --> 00:35:01,340
decide to change. Decide today, because your legacy
571
00:35:02,140 --> 00:35:05,900
does depend on it. I'm going to close today the way I always do.
572
00:35:06,540 --> 00:35:09,940
Live your life today the way you want to be
573
00:35:09,940 --> 00:35:13,740
remembered 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy.
574
00:35:14,140 --> 00:35:17,820
Nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.
575
00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:26,040
It.
00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:03,960
We are complex. We have an
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,800
ego, we have a self, and
3
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:11,360
we have these complex minds that we barely understand. I mean,
4
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:15,040
it's pretty amazing how
5
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:19,160
we can shift to a different state if we're
6
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triggered. And there's a. There's a reason for that. Our
7
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:26,040
psyche. Our psyche. It's like the voice
8
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:29,820
inside of your head is one way of thinking about it. It's
9
00:00:29,820 --> 00:00:33,100
that. It's that thing that chimes up inside. I mean, the word
10
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:36,660
psychological comes from the psyche. So
11
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there's. There's an ego and then there's a self.
12
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:43,780
And your ego's job is to protect you,
13
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is to keep you safe. It chimes in and tells you it's
14
00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:51,580
going to go bad, it's going to go wrong. Then your true self, it
15
00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:55,260
is. It's what encompasses. It's the whole of you. And
16
00:00:55,260 --> 00:00:58,980
it's actually going to have a primary motion
17
00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:02,020
of love and it's going to want to reach out and want to help. So
18
00:01:02,180 --> 00:01:05,900
people that I've worked with in coaching and myself included, and my
19
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friends and everybody, everybody has a part of themselves that's. That's an ego,
20
00:01:09,860 --> 00:01:13,580
right? And in this context today, we're going to talk about it as a
21
00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:17,380
protector. It's protecting you from getting hurt again. We're going
22
00:01:17,380 --> 00:01:19,300
to break that down in the show today. So I'm going to give you three
23
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:22,780
ways you can actually get out of your ego. Get out of the protector, calm
24
00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:26,350
the voice there, and actually act out of yourself. And so as
25
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leaders, we want to act from this confident place, from a place of
26
00:01:29,910 --> 00:01:33,390
ourself, not out of ego. Ego protects us. It keeps people
27
00:01:33,630 --> 00:01:37,470
at a distance. It's fearful. The protector, that is
28
00:01:37,470 --> 00:01:39,870
the ego. I'm going to call it the protector from now on. I mean, its
29
00:01:39,870 --> 00:01:43,670
primary motto is never again. Never again. I'm not going to get hurt like that
30
00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:45,750
again. I'm not going to get betrayed like that again. I'm not going to get
31
00:01:45,750 --> 00:01:49,590
taken advantage of that like. Like that again. I'm going to orient my life in
32
00:01:49,590 --> 00:01:52,070
a way where I'm never going to get hurt again, and then it costs you
33
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:55,900
dearly. So we're going to talk about this protector and
34
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:59,140
how it's running your life today. In fact, in many ways, it's probably
35
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:02,100
ruining parts of your life and you don't know it.
36
00:02:02,740 --> 00:02:06,580
You're going to get three decisions you can make to actually
37
00:02:07,380 --> 00:02:11,140
start getting distance from the protector, to recognize
38
00:02:11,140 --> 00:02:14,740
it and not let it actually damage your life any longer. And I'm going to
39
00:02:14,740 --> 00:02:18,460
talk to you like I always do in simple concepts that are easily
40
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:22,120
applied and that you could teach to somebody else quickly. And
41
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:23,840
they're going to be able to understand them as well.
42
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:38,080
So. Welcome to the Decide youe Legacy podcast. I'm your host,
43
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:41,880
Adam Gragg. I'm a coach and a family therapist, and
44
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I founded Decide youe Legacy in 2012. And what
45
00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:49,240
we do is we help leaders and
46
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their teams address the issues they're avoiding
47
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:57,000
so they can take productive action and make progress. From my
48
00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:00,800
point of view, everyone is a leader. And from
49
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:04,440
my point of view, everybody has a protective
50
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part of themselves that is impacting their leadership,
51
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,850
impacting their connection with other people, keeping them closed
52
00:03:11,850 --> 00:03:15,410
and fearful. And we can change that today
53
00:03:15,490 --> 00:03:18,970
to have more hope, to have more peace of mind, to live in a way
54
00:03:18,970 --> 00:03:22,730
where we can actually build relationships, build connections with
55
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other people. So when two egos are
56
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interacting, there's competition, there's
57
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one upping. People are
58
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looking with judgment on the other person. I'm
59
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not good enough or I'm better than them. They should appreciate me or
60
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I'm entitled to something. And this mentality we
61
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know is the protector. And so what I'm talking about today comes out
62
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of internal family systems, which is a therapeutic
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modality to help people who have dealt with trauma. Because
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the protector is formed during traumatic events in our
65
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lives when we've been hurt. So that really makes sense because if you. It is
66
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a part of our psyche that says, I'm not going to let that happen again,
67
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and so I'm going to do whatever I can to not get hurt again. And
68
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then it becomes dysfunctional because it starts to read situations as
69
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being dangerous that it needs to protect you from because it reminds
70
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your part of that part of your psyche reminds you of what hurt you in
71
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the past. So you're automatically triggered and
72
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we're not even actually aware of it when it actually happens.
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We're usually not even aware when that's our protector is coming
74
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out. Because it's deceptive. It can come out
75
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as insecurity. It can come out as anger. It can come out
76
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:44,320
as deceptive communication, can come out as passive
77
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aggressive behavior. It can come out as passive
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behavior. It can come out as violence
79
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inflicting harm on somebody else. It can come out and justifying it
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and rationalizing it because we don't want to get hurt again, so we're going to
81
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inflict violence on somebody else. The protective part of ourselves is
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drawn to drama. It's drawn to drama because in
83
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drama it can stay safe and it feels needed.
84
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So if I Feel needed and I'm utilized, then I feel okay with myself.
85
00:05:12,990 --> 00:05:16,670
I feel like I'm doing my job. And so it is, is drawn. And you
86
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can see this in people's lives. People who, who live with,
87
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with a lot of self protection, they tend to be,
88
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and they would, they would classify it as victims of drama, but I would say
89
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they enter drama, they invite fights with people.
90
00:05:31,390 --> 00:05:35,150
And I can do that myself. I mean, recently I invited a fight because my
91
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protector. And I'm going to share personal illustrations today.
92
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So you're not going to want to miss this today because I'm going to share
93
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some stuff that, how the protective part of me has
94
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derailed my life even just in the last week. So I,
95
00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:52,350
my, my daughter Emerson graduated from high school last year and
96
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I felt some disappointment that my mom and dad and
97
00:05:56,350 --> 00:06:00,190
my, and some of my family didn't
98
00:06:00,190 --> 00:06:04,030
come. So her, she had some aunts and uncle, aunt and uncle that
99
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,710
came in and aunt and uncle that didn't come. And I felt disappointed by that
100
00:06:06,710 --> 00:06:10,070
because, because it was, it was hard. I was really wanting to celebrate that. And
101
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I, I feel like to me it's one of those things you just make it
102
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work. You kind of like schedule around it. You know, this is going to happen.
103
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You've probably known for 10 years that she's going to graduate. You know, like
104
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you've known it for a long time and you know, figure it out because it's
105
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really important to somebody else. Like their wedding, I mean, wedding is super important too,
106
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,440
but I mean, you don't, you have less time to plan. You do have time
107
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to plan for graduation. So I was disappointed my mom and dad didn't come
108
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and I hadn't vented that I hadn't really expressed it. I didn't want to
109
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make them feel guilty, but actually I really did is what I've realized. So
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my mom and I were talking on the way home from work and I, she
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asked me what I was doing and I said, well, I'm buying
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tickets to go out to Bella's graduation. Bella's my niece in New
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Orleans. And if I was more self aware in
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the moment, I knew that was going to trigger my mom. And you can say,
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well, you know, you didn't say anything bad, you didn't say anything rude. You just
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told her what you really literally were doing. I wasn't lying about that, but I
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knew through wisdom that that was going to trigger my mom. And I
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should have stayed away from it because I really truly knew that I was inviting
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a fight when I Shared that. And a few days later, it
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didn't turn out well. It turned out really bad actually, because it
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triggered my mom's protector. And when you have two protectors
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interacting with each other, it doesn't really go well. Same thing as two egos.
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And so she was operating out of a place
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that wasn't great. I was operating out of a place that wasn't great.
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And it just derailed. And I knew after
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I had processed it, really for probably 24 hours, I knew I had done wrong.
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I knew. I in my heart, I knew that it was the wrong
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thing to even bring it up. And I didn't have to even share it. She
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could have asked me when what are you doing? And I could have said, well,
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I'm going home to make dinner and relax and go running. Which I was
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as well. But I wanted to dig the knife in because that was
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my protector saying, you know, dig the knife into your mom so
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she doesn't hurt you again so you're not hurt again. And then
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three days later, I apologized to my mom. She
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had done some things as a reaction to my protector that were very hurtful,
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but I had to own the fact that I started
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the fight and I initiated the fight and it
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happened because of my listening to
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my own fear and I need to take responsibility for that. And I
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did. And she thanked me and I told her I was coming out to visit
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for Easter, which I am. And it actually ended up
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being a good interaction, which another point is, apology
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is one of the biggest and best ways to build relationships. I mean,
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if you legitimately own and apologize, people, people start trusting you.
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It's one of the hardest things to do in a relationship too. Why? That's
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another podcast episode. So the three decisions you can make to
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start, because the protector is running your life
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and you don't know it, three decisions you can make to start knowing it and
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to start really not letting it have the power in your life because you're
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giving the power away to your self protection and it's hurting
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you greatly. So first decision is to become
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aware. And by becoming aware, you're going to have
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a feeling in your body when that self defense is
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rising up inside of you. Some people feel it in their chest, some people
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feel it in their shoulders, some people feel it in their mouth, some people feel
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it in their feet. And there's an amazing
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way that we can step back from our own lives and analyze what
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we're thinking and analyze what we're feeling and be able to draw light to it.
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So that it no longer has that kind of power over us. And
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I feel, and I know in fact that that is
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often for me the first thing that I can recognize. Like
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because I get tense in my heart, I feel it in my heart when I'm
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being self protective. I'm not relaxed, I'm tense, I'm not open.
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And my mind and my thinking is all going towards self
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protection. How can I not get hurt? And how can I interact in a way
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where it's going to keep people in a way where I can try to control
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them and it's not positive. And so
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if you feel it in your wherever you feel it, that's a great place to
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start. And then you can say, hey, that's my protector.
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That's your signal. My protector is showing up. Even something small
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like bringing up a
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easy topic like where do we go to dinner? Where do you want to go
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to dinner? I mean there's little things that can remind us of our past
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that trigger our protector. And
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when I feel it in myself, that's when I get controlling
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and that's when I get even passive aggressive. That's when I get
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passive because it's in that moment that
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I'm starting to act in a way that is not my true
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self. Now your true self is the creative
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aspects of your life. It's your unique
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giftings and talents it's utilizing. Like in the
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parable of the talents in
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Matthew, I believe, I'm not sure how many gospels, but anyway, you're probably familiar
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with it. Well, you know, people are given and it's a metaphor for
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more than just money. It's a metaphor for the giftings that God's given you to
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help other to resources, what you can utilize. So if you're
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treasuring your talents, then of course you're going to use them for
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the benefit of others. And if you're self protective, you're going to hide them. Like
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there were three people in that parable, One of them invested his. He was given
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five talents. He invested them and he made five more. One of them had
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three talents. He invested them, he took a risk with them, he risked losing
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them honestly. And then he gained three more. And then one hit it in the
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ground where it couldn't be lost, where it couldn't be taken. And then the
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master came who gave him the money and called the one who invested the
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one who had dug a hole and put the 1 talent in the hole. What
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I mean, he said, you, you're a wicked and lazy servant. You're Lazy, you know,
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and he gave that one talent after it was dug up to the guy that
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had 10. Pretty amazing like. And there's so much
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depth to that right there. And the
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protector is keeping us from using our talents. And that's why I'm saying it's robbing
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us. Now. How does it actually form? Well,
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one great question to actually ask clients or friends or whatever is like, what's your
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earliest memory? Because a lot of people have earliest memories around age 4
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or 5. And sometimes when they've had significant trauma as a
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child, been exposed to significant trauma, they can have earlier memories that are
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actually very clear. I've had clients in 27 years as a
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therapist, share stories from age three
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and even from age two in some situations.
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Now there's real evidence that you have age 5
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to 7. Those are very formative times in a child's life
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that they start interpreting the world through how the world
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is functioning at age 5 to 7. That parts of their
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psyche, including the protector, is formed at that point.
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But it can also have very strong roots in other traumatic events in your life.
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So for me, I can think of my protector getting very, very strong,
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much stronger than it had been in years and years at age 41. And I
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had significant trauma happen at age 41. So that was when I
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realized that my marriage was falling apart. So
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it's fascinating because even at times
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I've thought, huh, okay, so it's
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almost like that part of me is
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still 41 years old, that protector is still functioning like it was functioning when
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I was 41, to help me survive a traumatic situation. So
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it's still helping me now. You
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have. There's just strong roots to ptsd, man. Strong roots to how
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we function based on the traumatic situations we've had. And then
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it is again causing you damage when you don't recognize it
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in the moment. Because other people do recognize it. Often they will.
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And your close friends, your monkeys, they'll see you're functioning in a
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self protective fashion and help you to see potentially that
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it's something you can step back from and just recognize. So that's my first
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challenge to clients as and as they're starting to try
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and recognize how self protection is impacting their life, impacting
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their leadership, impacting how they interact with those they supervise and their clients,
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how they're acting in a guarded way and they start to just notice it and
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then they can respond differently. Because if you're in a professional
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interaction and somebody is accusatory or they're saying, hey, you
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didn't fulfill your contract and I want to default or whatever on the car or
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hey, you know, you're not following through and they're trying to blame you. And if
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your protector chimes in then you're going to interact in a way
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that is actually in the drama. You're stepping into the drama
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rather than being distant from it, observing it, getting clarity,
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being calm, asking calm questions, engaging and
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building a relationship. And people that live from their protector,
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often they're highly, highly triggering. I mean they can
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be highly accusatory because that again,
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if they're acting in that way, living from a point of
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self protection is safer than them having honest, open
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conversations with people. It's safer because those
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honest, open relationships that they had in their past,
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some of them have betrayed them and hurt them deeply.
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And so it reminds them if I let my guard down, then I'm going to,
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you're going to get hurt again. So again, the motto
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of the protector is never again. And
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the motto of the true self is love
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is how can I love, how can I live, how can I live life? How
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can I love, how can I reach out? It's all the same thing. I mean,
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how can I have adventure in my life? That's its motto. It looks for that,
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it looks for that. So, and it goes and engages in things that
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are going to help it unleash itself. And it's all
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healthy. I mean the self is not selfish. It's not the same thing. I mean
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all the self, true self stuff does, is healthy. That's why really
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people who have done things that they really regret that are in
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prison or are in really tough
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situations, they can still, they still do have a self. It's like they're
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two different people. There are times their self comes out and I see like
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there's times when somebody that might be a murderer and is in prison
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and interacting in a very loving, compassionate way towards other people. Not
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a self protective, self advanced and take advantage narcissistic
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fashion, they're actually reaching out to people. I mean there's kindness in prison.
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I've never lived there, but I mean I know that. I've heard stories, I mean
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you've heard stories too. You know people that impact other people
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in that setting, in whatever setting it's actually. And there's kindness in the front
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lines of war. There's kindness that can happen in the most
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desperate situations where people help other others
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because they're getting outside of the selfishness, outside of their own ego
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and they're actually reaching out to other people. So if you found this
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podcast helpful so far, and I got two more decisions you can make to
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recognize the protector and to get out of it is
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you can hit the link to subscribe to Shatterproof Yourself Light.
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And these are seven small steps to build your confidence.
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I walk you through stuff and it's content I've developed over the last 20 years.
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It's gonna, it has a worksheet and a video and you can go through
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it quickly. It's about 40 minutes long or so
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and you're gonna find it really helpful. You gotta complete the worksheet as you
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go and it's gonna give you space from the protector as well,
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along with helping you build healthy relationships and recognize how
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to, how to build a high
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level of self, build yourself the self concept
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to really build that up. It's gonna help you to see how to and
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clarify how to clarify a vision for your future in a really powerful manner
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as well. So you wanna hit the link and check out Shatterproof Yourself Light. So
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the second decision to put your
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protector at bay is to talk kindly to it. Now this
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sounds really strange because. What, talk to myself? Well,
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yeah, I mean, this is a big deal. And how do we do that? Well,
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journaling can be talking to yourself. You're writing thoughts to yourself
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that are contradictory or in opposition of
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thoughts that you're having. You're telling yourself the truth.
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And you can talk kindly by thanking that protector that
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formed in your life that to keep you safe, never again, I'm never going to
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get hurt again. And be kind to it saying, you know, thank you,
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you served a role in the past, but it's
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just not functioning well now with you leading the ship.
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So I don't want your help in this situation, protector. I can
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handle this. And you're kind to that part of yourself.
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It'll amaze you because the reason it'll amaze you is because it'll
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respond as you tell it the truth. Your psyche
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responds to things when you tell it the truth and when you let it know
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that you're going to lead, that yourself is going to lead because it
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wants to be led, it doesn't want to have to lead. It's like an
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employee that has a boss that's not willing to make decisions.
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Well, the employee feels really insecure and it feels like it has to
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protect himself or herself. They have to protect themselves because the boss
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isn't looking out for the company and, and looking out for the financial future of
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the company and the boss isn't moving the business towards a Vision and the
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boss isn't making the hard decision. So it's going to have to start doing it
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for, for itself. And eventually it'll probably be looking for a new job because
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he, it knows that employee knows that I
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can't be in a business long term that doesn't have somebody leading.
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I can't do it. So we, we need leaders
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and we have to lead ourselves to be that kind of leader for our protector.
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So you talk kindly and instead of fighting it, you want to acknowledge it
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and say, okay, I hear you. So for me, I mean, romance can
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trigger my protector and I can be really negative at times
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and make up stuff because instead of getting hurt,
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I will just demonize somebody. I'll make them out to be bad
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or out to get me. And I don't feel like I'm doing that
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as much. I feel like I'm seeing a lot clearer in that area. And it's
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pretty exciting actually because, you know, I, I went through a really
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difficult divorce, but then I've had other people
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who weren't trustworthy, who I let my guard down with and
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luckily didn't get too deep in it, but didn't
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I? Because that's the whole thing is like you, you can have this strong
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protector and you can even choose at times to
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totally not listen to it when it's trying to help
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protect you in situations that are, are dangerous,
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but you're not, you're not willing to see it. So it's a little
339
00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:51,970
bit confusing. But what I would say in those situations where
340
00:20:51,970 --> 00:20:55,650
in one in particular where I did, did let my guard down after the divorce
341
00:20:55,650 --> 00:20:59,289
and got, and got hurt some, I mean, let my
342
00:20:59,289 --> 00:21:02,370
guard down and then realized it wasn't a
343
00:21:02,450 --> 00:21:06,290
trustworthy situation. A situation where I should have had trust is I
344
00:21:06,290 --> 00:21:10,130
wasn't listening to myself because myself was telling me be careful.
345
00:21:10,130 --> 00:21:13,530
Myself was telling me some things don't add up, myself was telling me,
346
00:21:13,850 --> 00:21:17,490
you know, this person's not recognizing your strengths and wanting to
347
00:21:17,490 --> 00:21:21,250
utilize them. They're, they're interested in themselves. So myself was
348
00:21:21,250 --> 00:21:24,850
getting drawn into their protector, who was, who I was
349
00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:28,330
interacting with and I wasn't being myself. So
350
00:21:28,890 --> 00:21:32,250
yeah, it sounds confusing, but you start talking to your protector,
351
00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:35,370
thanking it, it's not broken, it's just overdoing it.
352
00:21:36,110 --> 00:21:39,830
It's just overdoing it based on the trauma in the past. And when I
353
00:21:39,830 --> 00:21:43,150
journal this out, I step into leadership
354
00:21:43,630 --> 00:21:46,950
instead of reaction, I step into
355
00:21:46,950 --> 00:21:50,710
gratitude for what the protector has done because it did get me
356
00:21:50,710 --> 00:21:53,550
through a very tough situation in many situations. In my life.
357
00:21:54,190 --> 00:21:56,830
It just doesn't need to do that now.
358
00:21:57,790 --> 00:22:01,470
Pretty powerful and exciting. And by the way, just a little side
359
00:22:01,470 --> 00:22:04,530
note is that we call some of this
360
00:22:04,770 --> 00:22:07,890
psychologically disassociation. So
361
00:22:08,290 --> 00:22:11,810
multiple personality disorder is a term that was used
362
00:22:12,450 --> 00:22:15,730
a long time ago. It's not utilized as much because
363
00:22:16,610 --> 00:22:20,370
in psychological settings we just don't give credence to that outside of just
364
00:22:20,690 --> 00:22:23,890
a disassociative tendency. So people can disassociate
365
00:22:24,450 --> 00:22:27,330
so much from a part of their life that they may act in a way
366
00:22:27,570 --> 00:22:31,200
that's so different than how they normally act. And
367
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,520
an example would be that a person with a really large protector,
368
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:38,760
they may act in that in situations
369
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:42,440
where they're triggered, they may act very different than when they're around
370
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,800
one of their friends who they have a lot of trust in.
371
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,880
And so they act out of their self in that setting. They open up, they're
372
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,420
calm. And their friend, as they describe this other
373
00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:59,260
situation where they're acting in a self protective
374
00:22:59,260 --> 00:23:02,380
fashion, doesn't see the same person interacting with them. It's very
375
00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:06,140
incongruent. And so we have multiple parts to
376
00:23:06,140 --> 00:23:09,700
our psyche in including multiple protectors. You can have
377
00:23:10,019 --> 00:23:13,660
a protector in maybe business settings because you've been
378
00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:17,460
hurt and burned in business settings, but maybe not so much
379
00:23:17,940 --> 00:23:21,590
around your wife because you have a lot of history and trust with your
380
00:23:21,590 --> 00:23:25,350
wife or protector that rises up with your parents because you've been
381
00:23:25,350 --> 00:23:28,910
hurt in that relationship, but not so much with
382
00:23:29,070 --> 00:23:32,550
some of your friends because you've learned to calm your central
383
00:23:32,550 --> 00:23:36,230
nervous system in those relationships. So pretty powerful
384
00:23:36,230 --> 00:23:39,830
stuff. So the third decision though, and this is the one that I get most
385
00:23:39,830 --> 00:23:42,830
excited about, is you can start in order to
386
00:23:43,790 --> 00:23:47,310
calm the protector. You can start showing up as your true
387
00:23:47,310 --> 00:23:51,010
self. And your true
388
00:23:51,010 --> 00:23:54,530
self loves people. Your true self wants to be open
389
00:23:54,530 --> 00:23:58,090
and wants to trust because it takes trust in order to love
390
00:23:58,090 --> 00:24:01,930
people. Your true self does things that you know
391
00:24:01,930 --> 00:24:05,570
you've been avoiding because it loves. It's willing to do things
392
00:24:05,570 --> 00:24:09,210
like sacrifice, like being
393
00:24:09,210 --> 00:24:12,930
convenienced. It's willing to and even excited about
394
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:17,420
showing up for its friends. And it's even excited about showing
395
00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:21,100
up for itself and getting those workouts in and having
396
00:24:21,100 --> 00:24:24,820
those hard conversations and doing the journaling and doing the reading and doing whatever it
397
00:24:24,820 --> 00:24:27,660
takes to unleash itself
398
00:24:28,380 --> 00:24:32,220
because it's worth it. I'll say to myself, sometimes, like,
399
00:24:32,220 --> 00:24:35,940
I show up not to prove my value, but because I already know
400
00:24:35,940 --> 00:24:39,230
it. That's what the self actually does. That's what it means to show up. I
401
00:24:39,230 --> 00:24:42,750
Show up and I lead. Not to prove I'm worthy, not to prove that I
402
00:24:42,750 --> 00:24:46,390
can perform, not to prove that I am likable, not to prove that I
403
00:24:46,710 --> 00:24:49,430
am smart. I show up because
404
00:24:50,390 --> 00:24:53,750
I want to add value. And I know I do, I know I do. I
405
00:24:53,750 --> 00:24:57,470
know I have value. And I can bring that to the situation. So it
406
00:24:57,470 --> 00:25:00,790
takes action to show up as your true self. It takes having the
407
00:25:00,790 --> 00:25:04,350
conversation, it takes engaging the risky
408
00:25:04,350 --> 00:25:08,170
endeavor. It takes not playing it safe, it takes having
409
00:25:08,170 --> 00:25:11,850
the cold shower. Just kidding about that one. But maybe it does
410
00:25:11,850 --> 00:25:15,490
take that because you're showing up for yourself and that does calm your central nervous
411
00:25:15,490 --> 00:25:18,650
system down. And this is where gratitude comes in.
412
00:25:19,210 --> 00:25:23,050
Because you're by willful action, choosing to
413
00:25:23,050 --> 00:25:26,330
have gratitude is choosing to focus your attention
414
00:25:26,810 --> 00:25:30,530
on the good in your life and what can happen that's good in the
415
00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:33,610
future. And it is a willful action, it is a powerful action.
416
00:25:35,530 --> 00:25:38,890
And gratitude reminds you that you have so much
417
00:25:39,530 --> 00:25:43,170
and that you can be a steward of the many blessings that you have been
418
00:25:43,170 --> 00:25:46,490
given and all these talents that are uniquely yours,
419
00:25:46,570 --> 00:25:49,929
regardless of the mistakes that you've made. God's grace
420
00:25:49,929 --> 00:25:53,370
continues to give you opportunity and continues to give you talents
421
00:25:53,850 --> 00:25:57,570
to utilize. You can step up and show up for
422
00:25:57,570 --> 00:26:01,330
yourself. And when you show up for yourself, I mean you are showing up
423
00:26:01,330 --> 00:26:05,030
for other people because you're showing up by
424
00:26:05,030 --> 00:26:08,790
being your true self. And this comes out in really
425
00:26:08,790 --> 00:26:12,270
creative ways. When somebody, and in
426
00:26:12,270 --> 00:26:16,110
ifs what we call this sometimes one way of I like to understand it is
427
00:26:16,110 --> 00:26:19,350
you have these parts of your psyche that are called
428
00:26:19,350 --> 00:26:23,150
exiles. And an exile is a part
429
00:26:23,150 --> 00:26:26,310
of you that does good and that is
430
00:26:26,390 --> 00:26:29,920
impactful. But it's been exiled on a desert
431
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,720
desert island because the protector won't let it come out. Those exiles
432
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,680
threaten the protector. So
433
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:41,040
loving other people can be an exile. This part of you, this part of your
434
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:44,440
psyche that's creative can be exiled. This part of your
435
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:48,240
psyche that is really has
436
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,800
a great sense of humor has been exiled and it doesn't come out.
437
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:56,330
And you letting it out might shock people around you because they're not used to
438
00:26:56,330 --> 00:27:00,050
seeing that part. They're used to seeing the protector. They're not used to seeing your
439
00:27:00,050 --> 00:27:03,890
exiles. So by showing up for yourself, you're engaging
440
00:27:03,890 --> 00:27:07,570
these exiled parts of yourself. So you may have a passion for
441
00:27:08,130 --> 00:27:11,890
reading Shakespeare and memorizing poetry,
442
00:27:12,210 --> 00:27:15,890
yet you've exiled it because you've lived out of the self protection
443
00:27:15,890 --> 00:27:19,650
function of your psyche. Or maybe you have a desire to draw
444
00:27:19,650 --> 00:27:22,810
and you've done it before and you really Have a great passion for it or
445
00:27:22,810 --> 00:27:26,210
music or animals.
446
00:27:26,850 --> 00:27:30,650
Maybe you've exiled the dog lover part of yourself because you had a
447
00:27:30,650 --> 00:27:34,290
dog that died, and you love that dog so much, you don't.
448
00:27:34,290 --> 00:27:37,810
Your protector says, no, never again. Never again.
449
00:27:38,290 --> 00:27:41,890
And so even looking at pictures of dogs can trigger you. Looking
450
00:27:42,290 --> 00:27:45,890
and being in a house with people that have dogs can potentially trigger you
451
00:27:45,890 --> 00:27:49,610
because it triggers your protector. But that's when you can speak kindly to
452
00:27:49,610 --> 00:27:53,220
your protector and say, like, hey, you know, it was really hard to lose Max.
453
00:27:53,220 --> 00:27:56,180
You know, I lost my dog. He was 16, in June, almost a year ago.
454
00:27:56,740 --> 00:28:00,500
And it was really hard to lose Max. Max. And those memories are never
455
00:28:00,500 --> 00:28:04,220
going away. This is me talking to my protector. And you
456
00:28:04,220 --> 00:28:07,059
have a lot of love to give. And at the right of time, right time,
457
00:28:07,059 --> 00:28:10,820
buying a dog could be an awesome, awesome thing for you.
458
00:28:11,220 --> 00:28:14,340
That's the protector, which is super cool.
459
00:28:14,980 --> 00:28:18,700
You're talking to your protector. That's not your protector talking. That's yourself talking to
460
00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:22,350
your protector. And then maybe over time, you start opening up to having
461
00:28:22,350 --> 00:28:26,110
another dog, which could be super fun, because dogs are cool,
462
00:28:27,150 --> 00:28:30,910
and I love dogs, and I miss Max. But, you know, and
463
00:28:30,910 --> 00:28:33,510
I feel like I'm open to getting a new dog. But I do feel like,
464
00:28:33,510 --> 00:28:36,470
too, though I'll say things and it can't be my protector. Like, it's so hard
465
00:28:36,470 --> 00:28:39,630
to travel with a dog. And I had some friends
466
00:28:40,190 --> 00:28:43,790
find a dog, stray dog, and thought it would be a great fit. And I
467
00:28:43,790 --> 00:28:46,910
told them, just not, not yet. I didn't say never again. I said, just not
468
00:28:46,910 --> 00:28:50,720
yet. Not yet. So do that drill. You know, you.
469
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:54,280
You start to incorporate something in your life that you know is exiled
470
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,840
is pushed away. That's a part of your true self, and you start to engage
471
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:01,680
in it. Maybe it's learning a musical instrument. I know for me, I have
472
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:05,320
felt like I've exiled certain fun parts of
473
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,960
myself, my sense of humor at times. And I won't even necessarily show
474
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:12,440
that when I'm around other people that have really strong protective functions.
475
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,770
But I don't really hold back like I used to. I know I'm working
476
00:29:16,770 --> 00:29:20,010
on the protector, chiming in in romantic
477
00:29:20,010 --> 00:29:23,370
relationships and just letting my true self come out,
478
00:29:23,530 --> 00:29:27,210
like, just being myself, having. Having
479
00:29:28,170 --> 00:29:31,450
fun and letting go, which is really exciting.
480
00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:35,530
So there's amazing stuff that can happen
481
00:29:35,530 --> 00:29:39,130
as you talk to your protective function, and you build your legacy by
482
00:29:39,130 --> 00:29:42,890
connecting to your true self. In these moments where the protector chimes
483
00:29:42,890 --> 00:29:46,620
in, you say kindly, hey, you know, I'm okay. I
484
00:29:46,620 --> 00:29:50,420
can handle this. I can the protector doesn't want
485
00:29:50,420 --> 00:29:54,140
change. You can speak kindly and say change is good in this situation. This is
486
00:29:54,140 --> 00:29:57,980
really good. This is really good. And you start thinking about
487
00:29:57,980 --> 00:30:01,620
how gratitude in your life and you start focusing on gratitude,
488
00:30:01,620 --> 00:30:04,940
knowing how much it can help you stop living in fear and start living from
489
00:30:04,940 --> 00:30:07,540
your true self, because it will. So today,
490
00:30:10,190 --> 00:30:13,950
today you're going to feel your protector show
491
00:30:13,950 --> 00:30:17,630
up. And you may even feel it right now because it's
492
00:30:17,630 --> 00:30:21,350
triggered listening to this podcast. When it does, I want
493
00:30:21,350 --> 00:30:24,510
you to pause. I want you just to notice how you're feeling. And
494
00:30:25,710 --> 00:30:29,230
according to Michael Singer, who wrote the Untethered Soul and
495
00:30:29,230 --> 00:30:32,910
Richard Schwartz wrote the book which I'll reference both of these books that I'm
496
00:30:32,910 --> 00:30:36,600
talking about. Richard Schwartz wrote no Bad Parts, which
497
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:40,280
is he's a creator of internal family systems. Took him like three decades to create
498
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:43,720
it. He wrote no Bad Parts book on recovering from trauma
499
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:47,400
and living a full life. And then Michael Singer wrote the
500
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:51,119
Untethered Soul. And Michael Singer has this thing where you
501
00:30:51,119 --> 00:30:54,840
notice that self protective part of you raise up and,
502
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:59,400
and when you're, when you're there and it's raising up like you're
503
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,760
in your car and you just notice how you feel and you notice it's chiming
504
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,530
in. Well, just remember, you know, you're sitting on a planet
505
00:31:06,610 --> 00:31:10,290
moving thousands of miles through the, through our solar system
506
00:31:10,930 --> 00:31:14,690
and speck of dust, you know, in this giant solar system
507
00:31:15,490 --> 00:31:19,250
and it's in control. And so many things are just
508
00:31:19,250 --> 00:31:22,930
perfect because we're the perfect distance from the sun
509
00:31:23,650 --> 00:31:27,170
to sustain human life. We have perfection
510
00:31:27,410 --> 00:31:30,810
all around us and it puts things in perspective when you
511
00:31:30,810 --> 00:31:34,650
recognize that and the protector will calm down because you're just
512
00:31:34,650 --> 00:31:38,290
being aware that it's chiming in. So you notice it, you talk kindly to it.
513
00:31:38,450 --> 00:31:42,210
And then you show up for yourself. You notice it, you talk
514
00:31:42,210 --> 00:31:45,810
kindly, you show up for yourself. So, and even ask yourself, if I wasn't trying
515
00:31:45,810 --> 00:31:49,130
to protect myself right now, how would I show up? That can give you some
516
00:31:49,130 --> 00:31:52,810
insight as well. So in closing, I want to share one last situation I
517
00:31:52,810 --> 00:31:56,210
had. I've been planning my graduation with my daughter
518
00:31:56,290 --> 00:31:59,930
and not my graduation, my going to my niece's graduation with
519
00:31:59,930 --> 00:32:03,520
Emerson. And Emerson gets out of school and she's trying
520
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,000
to arrange her schedule so that she can go to the graduation out there with
521
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:10,720
me from Wichita. But she's driving back and I'd like for her to
522
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,400
come back and make sure she can go. And she had said she could
523
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:17,640
go and she was going to fly from Boston and now she's going to drive
524
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:21,320
back to Wichita from Boston and have to fly from here. And she doesn't think
525
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:25,120
the graduation party is on Saturday and she's not going to get back in
526
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:28,050
town. She. Until, I guess until
527
00:32:28,690 --> 00:32:32,490
Friday. No, Saturday or Sunday. And so I responded to her and
528
00:32:32,490 --> 00:32:36,330
just. I. My protector was chiming in and was kind of like, hey,
529
00:32:36,330 --> 00:32:38,970
we got to go to the graduation. You know, you got to come home, figure
530
00:32:38,970 --> 00:32:41,770
out what you're going to do to go home. And. And then I stepped back
531
00:32:41,770 --> 00:32:43,970
from it and I felt like I was operating out of my true self. And
532
00:32:43,970 --> 00:32:47,690
I just said, emerson, whatever works for you. You know, if we can go
533
00:32:47,690 --> 00:32:51,450
on Sunday, we could, I mean, potentially
534
00:32:51,450 --> 00:32:53,650
even go on Monday. I didn't say that in the text. I just said, whatever
535
00:32:53,650 --> 00:32:56,450
works for you. We can just go to the graduation ceremony. That'll be really special
536
00:32:57,020 --> 00:32:59,500
to be there. And then we can stay a few days afterwards and hang out
537
00:32:59,500 --> 00:33:02,820
in New Orleans. Be great. But I didn't listen to my protector, and I feel
538
00:33:02,820 --> 00:33:06,580
like it's. The conversation's going much better because when you listen to your protector
539
00:33:06,580 --> 00:33:10,140
and you act on it, there's no limit to how far down you can go
540
00:33:10,140 --> 00:33:13,500
out of fear and protective behavior in.
541
00:33:13,740 --> 00:33:17,300
It triggers protective behavior in other people. I didn't trigger it in
542
00:33:17,300 --> 00:33:20,460
Emerson in that interaction. So I'm really, I'm happy about that because I didn't listen
543
00:33:20,460 --> 00:33:23,620
to it and I needed my friends to help me with that. And I mean,
544
00:33:23,620 --> 00:33:26,990
I did it without my friends telling me what to do. I didn't even actually
545
00:33:26,990 --> 00:33:30,750
process that with friends until after I had actually made the decision to just let
546
00:33:30,750 --> 00:33:33,830
go. But I did think of what a friend of mine says, Ben, he says,
547
00:33:33,830 --> 00:33:37,630
you know, be flexible, like water, whatever that means. Like be like
548
00:33:37,630 --> 00:33:41,350
water. You know, don't be, don't be rigid. So
549
00:33:41,350 --> 00:33:45,190
what insight have you gained today and what action are you as leaders going to
550
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:48,950
commit to taking? Because this way of functioning impacts
551
00:33:48,950 --> 00:33:52,710
your leadership, self protection impacts your leadership, and people see it in
552
00:33:52,710 --> 00:33:56,110
you. So decide to apply something today.
553
00:33:56,910 --> 00:34:00,590
Whatever you commit to and you actually do
554
00:34:00,590 --> 00:34:04,150
has the biggest impact. So 20% of change is by taking new
555
00:34:04,150 --> 00:34:07,910
actions. 80%. I'm sorry, 80% of change is by taking a
556
00:34:07,910 --> 00:34:10,750
new action, doing something different. What are you Gonna apply today?
557
00:34:11,230 --> 00:34:15,070
20% of making changes is insight. You gained insight today, but it means
558
00:34:15,070 --> 00:34:18,870
really very little unless you take some action. And that action, I challenge you, if
559
00:34:18,870 --> 00:34:22,579
you don't do anything, is just start noticing that protective part part of
560
00:34:22,579 --> 00:34:26,219
you. And another action is to subscribe and leave a
561
00:34:26,219 --> 00:34:29,539
rating and review for the Decide youe Legacy podcast that helps it grow
562
00:34:29,539 --> 00:34:33,019
organically and share it with a friend. Like share this
563
00:34:33,019 --> 00:34:36,099
specific episode with a friend. If you've listened to this and gotten to this point,
564
00:34:36,179 --> 00:34:39,579
there's something in here that resonated with you and just share it with somebody like,
565
00:34:39,579 --> 00:34:42,099
hey, this was helpful. I really think you could benefit from this.
566
00:34:42,979 --> 00:34:46,739
Don't. Don't dig it in. But like, hey, this was insightful. So
567
00:34:46,819 --> 00:34:50,339
to decide means by definition that you're eliminating other
568
00:34:50,339 --> 00:34:53,980
options and you're choosing one path. Your legacy is the impact
569
00:34:53,980 --> 00:34:57,780
that your life has on others. There's no positive change until you
570
00:34:57,780 --> 00:35:01,340
decide to change. Decide today, because your legacy
571
00:35:02,140 --> 00:35:05,900
does depend on it. I'm going to close today the way I always do.
572
00:35:06,540 --> 00:35:09,940
Live your life today the way you want to be
573
00:35:09,940 --> 00:35:13,740
remembered 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy.
574
00:35:14,140 --> 00:35:17,820
Nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.
575
00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:26,040
It.
