Whose Permission Are You Waiting For?

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Whose permission are you waiting for?
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Over the last 7 years, I've racked up thousands of
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coaching hours. I just dropped the transcripts
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to those coaching calls into Claude.
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And the one theme that came up
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was this idea of asking permission.
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And founders staying stuck because they were waiting
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for someone's permission. This might not
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resonate with you immediately because often this is a subconscious thing,
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but what if I told you that there's probably somebody's
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permission that you are waiting for, and that might be one
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of the reasons that you don't have more of the things that you want in
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your life and business.
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Welcome to the Creative Courage Podcast. My name is Matt Esson,
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and today I'm gonna be exploring this question:
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whose permission are you currently waiting for?
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This was a question that came up from thousands
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of hours of coaching calls and something that I
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personally still do myself. So this isn't something that I'm immune to,
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and I don't think many people really are immune.
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And the reason that we're not immune is because it's not a logical thing.
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We're not sitting there thinking, I want to make sure
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my wife's okay with this, or, oh, I'm, I hope the teacher from my
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9th grade is going to be okay with me adding
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an extra zero to the end of this proposal. It's not a conscious thought.
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It actually often starts in our body and it's
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a subconscious process. And that's one of the reasons why it's
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so powerful in both a good way and a bad way, in the sense that
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when you can unblock it, when you can change your perspective, when you realize
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consciously as an adult, that this
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person is essentially holding you or your
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business hostage, it's a really, really powerful unlock for a lot
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of people. Now,
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this might seem like quite a strange concept, especially if you've come
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here for business advice.
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And maybe you've heard me talk before about lead
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generation and pricing, etc. But I'm
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moving into a new era of my business.
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And I previously haven't
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felt confident to move into this era. Because a lot of
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the strategic and tactical
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things that are required to grow a successful business weren't
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covered. In my literature
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and my perspective of this. So what I mean specifically is when
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I was just coaching clients around the mindset side of things, they would have
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these big breakthroughs, but often the last 20%, the missing piece of
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the jigsaw still wasn't there. The actual tactic or
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the strategy of, okay, well, how do I find this client? And there were some
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really basic things that people were missing. So what I did was,
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A, I wrote another book. And I put everything I knew from a strategic
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perspective into that book about growing a creative studio
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that gives you more freedom, more fulfillment, and more financial stability.
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And you can grab that on Amazon. It's called The Creative Studio Roadmap. You can
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get the Kindle edition. I think it's $2.99,
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$3.99 maybe. So, um, not a huge investment,
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but that is all of my best thinking. There's, there is a part around mindset
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at the beginning in that book. Forward was written by Chris Do.
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The other thing that's happened is AI has really caught up. So if you train
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AI on the right frameworks
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and the right strategies, then AI can actually answer a lot of the
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questions that I was answering. So I now feel I have confidence
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and permission to kind of move into this new era
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of business. And if you listen to my
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episode a couple of weeks ago, you'll know that I've been
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taking this time out. I've been focusing on myself,
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on my family, and really thinking about
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what my next move might be. Now, that's not the only
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thing I'm going to do. I've got other ideas and I've got other things I'm
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developing, but predominantly I want to
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focus my content and my work around these
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deep subconscious, often patterns.
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In my book, I call them phantom loops because they're these things that go round
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and round in our head and we can't actually see them. And the reason I
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want to do that is because it's one of the things that I think AI
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can't do right now as of this moment. And I'm not sure it's
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going to be able to do in the next few years.
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I think it's going to take a while for the AI to
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understand things at a subconscious level from a human perspective.
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And unpack them and coach people in a way that
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knows exactly when to ask the right question,
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knows exactly what question to ask, knows when to pause,
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knows when to pattern interrupt. I think those things are a long way
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off. And so in my last episode, I talked about this idea of committing to
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something and how, you know, when to commit to something. And I think
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for me, The longevity piece is an
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important factor, but the energy piece is an important factor.
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And when I was looking back through all of those coaching calls and the hundreds
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of clients I've worked with over the last 7 or 8 years, the thousands of
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hours of coaching and all of the breakthroughs that people had,
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I started to feel energized again. I started to feel energized about this
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idea of really helping people to get out of their own way,
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to unlock their full potential, to go out into the world And really
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have a positive impact to do meaningful work. And so that's what I want to
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talk about today. This idea that we're waiting for permission
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from someone is important because often we're
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not doing our best work. We're not charging enough money.
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We're not doing the things in our business that ultimately are going
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to have a positive impact on us, on our employees, on our
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family. Because we've got these subconscious blockers.
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So the first thing to consider, I guess, is how
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do we know? How do we know if we've got one of these patterns running?
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And the simple answer to that is most people have.
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There's very few people I know who don't
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have some kind of subconscious programming because that's
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just how our brain works. Our brain has something called the default
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mode network, and it kind of keeps us alive, right? If we had to
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think about every single micro decision every
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day from a new perspective, we'd be exhausted.
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So our brain stores this kind of network of remembered
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things. Now, unfortunately, this is activated from when we're
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children. And so what can
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happen is that we can learn
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these behaviors. We can learn these beliefs about
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essentially what it means to be accepted,
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to be loved, to be a good person. And often
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we can carry these beliefs into our adulthood without even realizing,
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and they show up in a multitude of ways. And this is what fascinates me
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personally. And this is what fascinates me about founder-led businesses
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is that often the potential, the next phase
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of growth has nothing to do with a strategy, has nothing to do with a
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tactic. And people are running around like headless chickens looking
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for the next content hack, AI tool,
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ad strategy, whatever it is. And no matter what they try,
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it doesn't seem to be working. And so I guess if you have
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got to the point in this podcast and you're still listening, there's probably a part
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of you that feels this applies to you in some way.
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And for me, the suretell sign is
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when you have an area of your life where
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you feel like, for whatever reason,
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you can't quite get that thing that you want. It might be the
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right relationship. It might be the amount of money in your
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bank account. It might be the health that you're currently
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experiencing. There's something, it's just not how you want it to be.
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And you tried lots of things already. You've maybe
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bought some courses, you've maybe invested in some coaching, maybe you've
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hired some people. You've tried all these things and
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none of them seem to be working. And so that's usually an indication
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That if you're getting a consistent result over a period of time,
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there's something more at play. It's not
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just as simple as this strategy I'm using isn't working.
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So think about that thing in your life that isn't where you want it to
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be. And think of all the reasons that you
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believe it's not where you want it to be. Now, usually there's the
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first thing that comes out is our list of kind of excuses. Well, The economy
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is really tough right now. No one values creativity anymore.
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AI is taking over. So get all of those things out. Don't judge yourself for
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them. There's no wrong answers. If you can write them
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down. And so that's what I call the
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external challenges.
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And then the next question I always ask someone when I'm coaching them is,
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okay, what about the internal?
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What about if I asked you that question again? What is it that you want?
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And what are all the reasons that you believe you don't currently have it?
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But you couldn't point outside of yourself. You couldn't point to the economy. You couldn't
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point to the employee. You couldn't point to whatever
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it is outside of you. You had to point to something inside of yourself.
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And this is usually where people either freeze up or
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they pause. And they have a bit of an insight
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and they say things like, well, maybe I just don't believe it's possible.
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Or I just feel like I lack the confidence to go after that thing.
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Or oftentimes I'll hear things like, me, I'm just getting
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in my own way. Okay, great. Let's explore that.
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What does that mean? And so I'd encourage you to kind of
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Go through this process. This is almost like a free coaching
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session, if you like. Imagine that you're sitting with me
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in this room right now, and I'm asking you these questions. I want you
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to actually answer them. And it often helps to write them down because if we
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try and answer them in our head, the thought process isn't fully formed.
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Something weird happens with our brain. And the reason why somebody
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asking you a question and you answering it out loud or you writing it down
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feels different than just thinking about it is
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because of the way that our brain processes language.
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I won't go into that too much now, but just believe me when I say
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that writing it down or speaking out loud, even if it feels a bit stupid
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because you're on your own, is the
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best way to get clarity on this. Okay. So what are the internal things?
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So maybe you say something like, well, I don't feel that confident,
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right? Or I'm just getting in my own way.
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Okay. Why?
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Why don't you feel that confident? Why are you getting in your
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own way? What is it specifically that's showing up?
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And see what comes up there. Now, sometimes what I
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do is I shift gears
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here a little bit and I'll go to something that seems
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totally irrelevant. But it's one of my favorite ways
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for getting to the root of what this subconscious pattern might be.
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And I often ask people, what do you hate about
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other people? Like, what are some things that people do that really annoy you?
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People might say, I hate it when people are so loud in public,
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or they've got their phone on speaker and everyone can hear them.
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Right? Or I hate people that are just full of themselves.
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Or I hate people that show off, or I hate people that talk about money
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all the time. Right? And so then I'll ask
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them, what is it about that specifically that
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you hate? Well, they're inconsiderate
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or showing off.
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Makes you a bad person or whatever. They'll come out with some kind of statement.
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And then my next question is one of the most important questions that I ask
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and that you can ask yourself, which is this.
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Who taught you that? Who taught
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you that? Now, often what will happen is people will
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just kind of knee-jerk reaction say,
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well, what do you mean? That's just what I think. Or, well, it's just obvious.
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I just hate those kinds of people. And I say, I want you to really
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think, where did you learn that idea? Where did you learn that belief?
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And if we really pause and we really think,
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this is where things get interesting because it turns out
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that somebody taught us that. Now I'll give you an example from my
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own life. This is something that I realized recently. So I was out in LA
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with Chris, Chris Do. And as any
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of you who follow Christo know, he's got an incredible fashion
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sense, but he hasn't always been like that. So if you look back at his
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very early videos, he dressed like pretty plainly,
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right? But if you see him on stage now, you can't miss him.
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Even people who don't know who he is know who he is, right?
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And so I said to Chris, well, take me shopping, show me some
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stuff. What do you think I should be wearing? And a lot of the things
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that he showed me, I just not only didn't
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I like, but they gave me a specific feeling,
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right? It was like, oh, this is really kind of cringe or uncomfortable.
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Oh, I just hate this. I don't, I don't look good. And so
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Chris said to me, oh, this is, this is always people's first reaction. And then
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they kind of lean into it and they gradually do X, Y, and Z.
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But I came back and I was thinking about this. I was pondering on it.
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And I was thinking about this idea. That we all have these subconscious
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patterns. And often when we get these strong emotional
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triggers from something, I've now
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learned that that's a really great place to start
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if you want to understand what these patterns are.
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Because this idea was popularized by Carl Jung,
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and he talks about this idea of the shadow. And I've talked about this in
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other episodes, but just briefly, if you haven't heard me talk about the shadow before,
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the shadow is a part of yourself that you haven't yet fully
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accepted. So the shadow exists within
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you, and it's a part of yourself that you've kind of disowned or you
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don't like. And the reason this is so powerful and important is because when
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you get triggered emotionally, what's actually happening there
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is you are triggering a part of yourself that you have
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either rejected or you haven't given permission
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to express.
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And so I was thinking about this the other day and I was thinking about
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what it was that really kind of cringed me out about some of those things
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that Chris was showing me. And I
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thought about what my life would be like if
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I wasn't burdened by the thought of what
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I look like. Or what people thought of me. And I imagined
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myself going around wearing these crazy outfits, wearing these stupid hats.
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What would it really be like if I didn't care?
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And in that moment, I got this feeling of almost like euphoria,
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like I was free. The shackles were off and I
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was just moving through life with this new energy.
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And so I asked myself like, why, why can't I do that?
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And I started to kind of ponder on some of these questions that I just
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asked you. And I said things like, well, you know,
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I'll look stupid. People will laugh at me.
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And then I got to a really important belief. And when you get to those
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statements about other people, you know,
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this person is a show-off, this person's inconsiderate, yada, yada, yada. And then
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you go, who taught you that? It's really important that that
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statement is some kind of belief. So mine was that people
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who dress gregariously are
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just looking for attention. And more importantly, people who just want
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attention are shallow people in some
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way. They're broken people in some way. And so
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then I asked myself, who taught you that? And interestingly,
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and it's important at this point to say that when you realize who this person
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was, it's not their fault.
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It's still, you have to own that because it was your interpretation
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of what they said. Right? Now, sometimes it
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is very direct. Like every person with money is bad.
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And our parents may have taught us that at some point, or our teacher or
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somebody in our lives may have taught us that. Money is the root of all
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evil, and you grew up believing that. But still, it's not
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their fault because they believe that and they believe that to be true,
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and therefore they didn't want you to be a bad or an evil person,
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right? So they always had your best intentions. So for me, I realized
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it was my parents. I realized that as a child,
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my parents did the thing that couples do, which is they would
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be sitting somewhere, maybe at a cafe, having some food, and I'd be sitting
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there with them and somebody would walk in. And they'd be dressed
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in a certain way, or they'd have tattoos up their arm, or they would do
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something which was unconventional to them. And my parents would
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comment on it. They would say, oh, look at the state of that person.
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Or, oh, look, here comes, you know,
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Billy the show-off or whatever, right? Gordon Gekko.
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Here comes Gordon Gekko with his big hat and his rings. And oh,
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look at this guy. He's the Greek, whatever, right? And they'd kind of pass
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judgment and they'd laugh between each other. And That was just their way of bonding
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and whatever. But I interpreted that as a small child as
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this person is doing something that is not okay. So they clearly
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didn't have the approval of my parents. And so what I observed
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was that in order to have approval and
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deeper than that, in order to be loved, I must not be
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like that person. Right? I must not dress in that way. I must not do
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that thing. Now, obviously that's ridiculous,
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right? And as a 37-year-old man,
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I know that to be ridiculous logically, but emotionally,
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there is still something deep within me that has been conditioned to
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believe that. And so anytime I get
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too close to that thing, there is a visceral response in my body.
19:59.443 --> 20:03.145
That doesn't happen consciously, it happens subconsciously, that makes
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me not act in a particular way. So the
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question I asked at the beginning of this episode was, whose permission
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are you currently waiting for? And so probably to
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be the most expressive version of myself, the permission
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I'm waiting for is the permission from my parents,
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right? Because there's a part of me that still believes That I won't
20:28.611 --> 20:31.993
be loved or won't be accepted if I dressed in a certain way or
20:32.493 --> 20:35.376
if I behaved in a certain way. Now, obviously that isn't true,
20:36.909 --> 20:40.185
but that belief sits within
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me. And so the process that I go through with my clients is essentially
20:44.752 --> 20:48.476
this process of integration, because really there is a
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kind of small child, however old I was when I learned
20:52.547 --> 20:55.890
that belief. There's a small child there that
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still believes that, and he needs to be shown that that's not true.
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His belief system needs to be updated.
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And I've done episodes about parts work before,
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and I've done episodes about my journey with therapy and with
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parts work and how powerful that can be. And I will say I'm not a
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licensed therapist. So, um, this isn't something that I kind
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of practice as a therapy. And I make that very clear to my clients that
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I'm not a licensed therapist and this is not a replacement for therapy.
21:30.164 --> 21:34.461
But the practice in itself of the visualization and the integration
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is an extremely powerful one. And I think
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you can either do it on yourself or you can be guided to do it.
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And for me personally, it's been an extremely powerful tool
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for myself, but also for some of my clients.
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Because once you really see that for what it is, and once you integrate
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that part of you that you haven't accepted, your shadow that you've
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disowned, that you don't like,
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there's this sense of freedom. That emotional burden
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is lifted. And the most important part of that
22:15.011 --> 22:19.587
Is that it really determines how you behave and
22:20.087 --> 22:23.602
how you behave determines the kind of results you
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get in life. How you show up in life determines whether you get that deal,
22:27.696 --> 22:31.453
whether you sign that client, who you meet at networking events, your energy,
22:31.550 --> 22:35.162
how you are, your persona. And sometimes when you just unlock
22:35.662 --> 22:38.534
that for somebody, profound shifts can happen.
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So I'd invite you to think about this question for yourself.
22:46.280 --> 22:50.156
Whose permission are you currently waiting
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for? I hope
22:53.833 --> 22:56.278
you enjoyed this podcast. It's a little bit different to some of my others.
22:56.713 --> 22:59.819
This is probably going to be the theme of things moving forwards.
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And as always, if you enjoyed it, please connect with me on LinkedIn.
23:05.296 --> 23:08.402
Just search for Matt with 2 Ts, Essam, E-S-S-A-M,
23:09.890 --> 23:13.221
and just tell me what parts of it resonated the most
23:13.383 --> 23:16.590
with you. If you aren't subscribed, please hit the
23:16.639 --> 23:18.989
subscribe button, really helps. Share this with a friend,
23:20.325 --> 23:23.771
and I will see you again next week. This is the Creative
23:23.803 --> 23:26.498
Courage Podcast, and my name is Matt Essam.