WEBVTT
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Welcome to Control the Flame, the podcast that
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helps you tame your temper and manage your anger.
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I'm your host, Clare Bradley, the anger management
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coach. In this podcast, I'll share with you tips,
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techniques and strategies to help you cope with
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your anger in a healthy and constructive way.
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Whether you struggle with anger yourself or you
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deal with someone who does, this podcast is for
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you. Each week I'll bring you expert interviews,
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inspiring stories and practical advice on how
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to control the flame and live a more peaceful
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and fulfilling life. So sit back, relax and get
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ready to learn how to master your emotions and
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take charge of your anger. And welcome to Control
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the Flame. I am your host, Clare Bradley. Today,
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we're going to be exploring something that affects
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every single one of us. Yep, the good old S word,
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stress. But more specifically, how stress influences
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the way that we typically respond emotionally,
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particularly in our relationships. If you've
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ever found yourself reacting in ways that you
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later regret, and let's face it, we all have,
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if stress has caused you friction in your relationships,
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or if you're currently navigating a relationship
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breakdown or a legal situation, then this episode
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is absolutely for you. We're going to look at
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the connection between stress and emotional responses,
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explore practical techniques for managing stress,
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And we're going to discuss how structured support
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can help create lasting change. So if you've
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not already done so, grab yourself a cup of tea,
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get comfortable and let's dive in. So let's start
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with a question. What actually happens in your
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body when you're stressed? You know, that feeling
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when maybe you feel the... Hairs stand up on
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the back of your neck or on your arms and your
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heart rate starts to increase. Your breathing
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might become shallow and you just feel that tension,
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maybe even headaches. And your jaw clenches.
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Your hands fall into fists. You might start to
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pace. That's your body's stress response. and
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it is completely automatic. But here's the crucial
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thing to understand that physical stress response
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doesn't just affect your body. It fundamentally
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changes how you perceive and respond to situations
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around you. When you're stressed, for example,
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your brain operates differently. The prefrontal
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cortex, the part that's responsible for rational
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thinking, perspective taking and emotional regulation.
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Well, essentially that goes offline, which is
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great, eh? So meanwhile, the amygdala, what I
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call the security of our brain, our brain's threat
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detection system, well, that goes into overdrive.
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So in real terms, what does this mean for us?
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So it means that when you're stressed, you're
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more likely to perceive neutral comments from
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others as criticisms. You might interpret ambiguous
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situations as threats. You might react defensively
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to minor issues and situations. You might struggle
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to see other people's perspectives, and you might
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make impulsive decisions that you later regret.
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And let's face it. We've all done that. Let me
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give you a real life scenario, for example. So
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I want you to imagine you've had a stressful
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day at work. You may have been criticized by
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your boss over a project that you've worked really
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hard on and you feel undervalued, defensive.
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You're just really not feeling great. You get
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home and your partner mentions that you forgot
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to pick up the milk on the way home. Now. That's
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really a simple, neutral observation. But when
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you're stressed, your brain will hear, you've
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failed again. You can't do anything right. And
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you will respond from that place. You might snap,
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you might get defensive, and perhaps escalate
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into a full -blown argument about something that
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on any other day, you wouldn't have given it
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any thought. It would have been a two -second
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conversation. The stress from work didn't cause
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the reaction to your partner, but it did prime
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you for it. Almost like putting the bullets into
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the revolver. So this is what I see constantly
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in the work that I do with clients. The anger
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or controlling behaviour in a relationship rarely
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exists in isolation. It's almost always connected
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to an underlying, unmanaged stress. The problem
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is many people don't recognise this connection.
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They will focus on the trigger, i .e. my partner
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wound me up, rather than understanding that their
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stress levels made them more reactive to that
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trigger in the first place. The first step in
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mastering calm isn't actually about managing
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your anger in the moment. It's about understanding
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and managing the stress that makes you more vulnerable
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to anger in the first place. With stress in this
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significant factor in how we respond emotionally,
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what do we actually do about it? Let me share
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some practical techniques that you can start
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implementing today. First of all, regulation
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through breathing. When you're stressed, your
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breathing becomes shallow and rapid. This actually
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perpetuates the stress response in your body.
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By consciously slowing and deepening your breath,
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you can actually tell your nervous system that
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you're safe. So let's try this now whilst you're
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listening. So breathe in slowly through your
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nose for a count of four. Hold for four. Breathe
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out through your nose for a count of six. And
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hold for two. And I want you to do that three
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more times. I will wait. Did you notice anything?
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Have your shoulders dropped? Has your jaw become
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more relaxed? That is your parasympathetic nervous
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system activating, the part that calms you down.
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It isn't about some mindfulness trend. This is
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actually neuroscience. When you control your
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breath, you directly influence your stress response.
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Secondly, let's identify your stress triggers.
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Most people experience stress, but they don't
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actually know what is causing it. They might
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just feel generally overwhelmed. But I want you
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to start paying attention. Keep a simple stress
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log for a week. And when you notice stress building
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up, write down the following. What situation
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you're in? What time of day is it? who you're
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with, or what or who you're thinking about, and
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what you're worrying about. Now patterns will
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emerge. Maybe you're most stressed on a Sunday
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evening when you're having to think about work
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on a Monday. Maybe certain people or situations
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consistently trigger stress. Maybe it's financial
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worries. Once you can name your triggers, you
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can start addressing them proactively. rather
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than just reacting to them. Thirdly, building
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stress resilience through routine. Your body
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and brain crave predictability. When life feels
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quite chaotic, our stress increases. Create small
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consistent routines will give your nervous system
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anchors of stability. This doesn't mean being
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rigid, scheduling everything. It means simple
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consistent practices. For example, wake up roughly
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at the same time, eat regular meals, move your
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body daily, even for a 10 minute walk. Having
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a consistent wind down routine before bed, that
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doesn't mean going to bed and consistently doom
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scrolling for 20 minutes. These aren't optional
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extras for self -care enthusiasts. These are
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foundational practices that impact directly your
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stress tolerance. Fourthly, the importance of
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proactive recovery. Many people will only think
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about stress management when they're already
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overwhelmed. But just like you wouldn't wait
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for your car to completely run out of fuel to
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top it up, You shouldn't wait out until we're
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completely burnt out to address the stress. Build
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in recovery practices before you feel like you
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need them. Think about having 10 minutes of quiet
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in the morning before your day starts. How about
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having a proper lunch away from your desk? Maybe
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that's sitting somewhere else, getting some fresh
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air. Doing 20 minutes is something you enjoy
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in an evening. Having one day a week with minimum
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demands. These aren't luxuries, these are maintenance
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and they directly impact your capacity to remain
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calm in difficult situations. Now I know what
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you might be thinking, I haven't got time for
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all of this Claire, but there's the reality.
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If you've got time to... deal with the consequences
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of the unmanaged stress, the arguments, the apologies,
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the damage control, the sleepless nights replaying
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the conflict, then you've got time to prevent
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these little fires because they're currently
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spending all of your energy. While self -help
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techniques are valuable, Sometimes stress and
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behavioural patterns that come with it require
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more structured support. And here is something
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just about the programmes that I deliver. So
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let me talk about the Domestic Abuse Perpetrator
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Programme or DAP. So this is for Domestic Abuse
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Perpetrators. It's a 16 -week one -to -one programme.
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It is designed for individuals who've been harmful
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in their relationships and they recognize that's
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the important bit. They recognize that they need
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to change. Now, you might be wondering what has
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this got to do with stress management? Well,
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absolutely everything. Because whilst domestic
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abuse perpetrator programs address harmful behaviours
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like control, intimidation and abuse, it also
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goes deeper into understanding what drives those
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behaviours. And consistently, stress, particularly
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unmanaged stress, combined with beliefs about
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power, control and entitlement, is a significant
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factor. In DAPPS, I explore how stress impacts
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your perception and behaviour. the underlying
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beliefs that influence how you respond to stress,
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how your attempts to manage stress through control
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actually create more problems, or alternative
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ways to respond when feeling overwhelmed or threatened.
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The program isn't about teaching you to manage
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the anger better in a superficial sense. It's
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more about fundamentally understanding the patterns
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that lead to harmful behavior and building genuinely
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different ways of responding. What makes DAP
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effective is that it doesn't focus on anger management
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in isolation. We look at the whole picture, your
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relationship with stress and how you've learned
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to cope with it. The beliefs you hold about relationships,
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power and control. The impact your behaviour
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has on your partner and children. And how to
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build genuinely different patterns of responding.
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I also offer coaching for individuals who want
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to be more flexible and have personalised support.
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Maybe you recognise that your anger is affecting
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your work or your relationships. but you haven't
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crossed into domestic abuse territory. Maybe
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you just know that stress is impacting your life
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and you want support that is tailored specifically
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to your situation. That's what coaching provides,
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a collaborative space to identify what's not
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working. Understand why and build practical strategies
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for change. In coaching sessions, we might explore
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your personal anger triggers and stress vulnerabilities.
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Develop emotional regulation strategies that
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work for your life. Build communication skills
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that prevent escalation. Creating personalised
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plans for managing high stress situations. Understanding
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anger as a secondary emotion, often masking stress,
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fear or hurt. What both DAP and coaching have
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in common is this. They're not just about symptom
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management. They're about genuine transformation.
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I've worked with clients who come in defensive.
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They're convinced their behavior isn't really
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that bad. They're convinced their partner is
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equally to blame. And over time, through consistent
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work, we managed to shift some of these beliefs.
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They start to recognize their patterns. They
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start connecting their stress to their responses
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and they might even start taking genuine accountability.
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One client recently said to me, I didn't realize
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how much my need to control everything was actually
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just about my own anxiety. I thought I was just
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being helpful, but really I was managing my stress
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to control everything around me, including my
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partner. It's that kind of insight that creates
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lasting change. Not just about, I'll try not
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to shout, but to genuinely understand what is
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driving your behaviour in the first place. Let's
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talk about communication because even with excellent
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stress management, we still need to actually
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talk to people in our lives. and how we communicate
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directly impacts both of our stress levels and
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our relationships. The first principle is compassionate
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communication starts with self -awareness. Before
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you speak, especially in those heated moments,
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ask yourself, what am I actually feeling right
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now? What do I need? What is the best way to
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express this that my partner can actually hear?
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Often we communicate from a place of unprocessed
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emotion. We feel hurt but we express anger. We
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feel scared but instead we express control. We
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feel overwhelmed but we express criticism. Compassionate
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communication means taking a moment to understand
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what's actually going on before you speak. Express
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emotions without blame. Here is where a massive
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difference between saying, you always make me
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feel, X, Y and Z. Instead, when this happens,
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I feel. So the first, that places responsibility
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for your emotions onto someone else. The second
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takes ownership of your experience whilst you
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express the situation and how it affects you.
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So we need to practice I feel statements. So
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for example, I feel stressed when plans change
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last minute because I struggle with unpredictability.
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I feel hurt when I perceive criticism because
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it triggers old insecurities. I feel overwhelmed
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when multiple things need my attention at once.
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It isn't about being soft or avoiding difficult
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conversations. It's about communicating in a
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way that is actually going to be heard rather
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than immediately triggering defensiveness. Thirdly,
00:18:47.839 --> 00:18:51.039
practice active listening. Most of us don't listen
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in conversations. We will wait our turn to speak.
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We formulate our responses while the other person
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is talking. We listen for points we disagree
00:19:00.039 --> 00:19:03.660
with so that we can rebut them. Active listening
00:19:03.660 --> 00:19:06.900
means to really focus fully on what the other
00:19:06.900 --> 00:19:11.339
person is saying. Notice not just their words
00:19:11.339 --> 00:19:15.259
but their tone and body language. Asking clarifying
00:19:15.259 --> 00:19:19.339
questions rather than making assumptions. Reflecting
00:19:19.339 --> 00:19:22.519
back what you've just heard to ensure you understand.
00:19:23.440 --> 00:19:26.900
and to respond to what actually was said rather
00:19:26.900 --> 00:19:30.660
than assuming what they meant. When you're stressed,
00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:34.440
active listening becomes even more crucial because
00:19:34.440 --> 00:19:38.559
stress makes it more likely that you will misunderstand
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:44.079
or misinterpret what you're hearing. Fourth,
00:19:45.359 --> 00:19:49.150
know when to pause the conversation. Sometimes
00:19:49.150 --> 00:19:53.069
the best communication skill is recognising that
00:19:53.069 --> 00:19:56.130
you are way too activated to communicate effectively.
00:19:57.430 --> 00:19:59.890
If you notice your stress response kicking in,
00:20:00.170 --> 00:20:02.970
your heart is racing, your jaw is clenching and
00:20:02.970 --> 00:20:06.190
your mind is racing with comebacks, that's your
00:20:06.190 --> 00:20:09.849
cue to pause. Say something like, I feel too
00:20:09.849 --> 00:20:12.190
activated to have this conversation productively
00:20:12.190 --> 00:20:14.849
right now. Can we come back to it in an hour
00:20:14.849 --> 00:20:18.950
when I've calmed down? You're not avoiding conversation,
00:20:19.450 --> 00:20:24.089
you're communicating responsibly. The key is
00:20:24.089 --> 00:20:27.369
actually coming back to it. Don't use pausing
00:20:27.369 --> 00:20:30.490
as a way to avoid difficult conversations entirely.
00:20:30.970 --> 00:20:33.950
Use it as a tool to ensure the conversations
00:20:33.950 --> 00:20:38.789
are productive when they need to be. These communication
00:20:38.789 --> 00:20:42.230
skills are not just nice to have. They will directly
00:20:42.230 --> 00:20:45.630
reduce stress in your relationship, which reduces
00:20:45.630 --> 00:20:48.809
your overall stress levels, which makes you less
00:20:48.809 --> 00:20:55.589
reactive. It is an absolute positive cycle. So
00:20:55.589 --> 00:20:58.009
I am going to leave you with three key takeaways
00:20:58.009 --> 00:21:02.190
from today's episode. So firstly, stress is not
00:21:02.190 --> 00:21:05.359
just about being overwhelmed. It fundamentally
00:21:05.359 --> 00:21:09.220
changes how you perceive situations and respond
00:21:09.220 --> 00:21:12.660
emotionally. Understanding this connection is
00:21:12.660 --> 00:21:18.140
the first step towards change. Second, practice
00:21:18.140 --> 00:21:21.880
or practical stress management isn't optional
00:21:21.880 --> 00:21:25.599
or indulgent. It's essential maintenance that
00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:28.859
directly impacts your relationship and quality
00:21:28.859 --> 00:21:33.619
of life. And third, Sometimes patterns run too
00:21:33.619 --> 00:21:37.680
deep for self -help alone. Structured support
00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:41.500
through programs like DAP or coaching can provide
00:21:41.500 --> 00:21:44.740
the accountability and guidance needed for genuine
00:21:44.740 --> 00:21:51.000
lasting transformation. Thank you so much for
00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:55.220
tuning in to today's episode. If you found value
00:21:55.220 --> 00:21:57.359
in what we've discussed today, I'd love you to
00:21:57.359 --> 00:22:00.099
subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss future
00:22:00.099 --> 00:22:05.309
episodes. You can also visit my website at anger
00:22:05.309 --> 00:22:08.710
managementcoach.co.uk.
00:00:03.519 --> 00:00:07.120
Welcome to Control the Flame, the podcast that
00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:09.900
helps you tame your temper and manage your anger.
00:00:10.839 --> 00:00:14.220
I'm your host, Clare Bradley, the anger management
00:00:14.220 --> 00:00:18.420
coach. In this podcast, I'll share with you tips,
00:00:18.780 --> 00:00:22.019
techniques and strategies to help you cope with
00:00:22.019 --> 00:00:25.280
your anger in a healthy and constructive way.
00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:28.640
Whether you struggle with anger yourself or you
00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:31.539
deal with someone who does, this podcast is for
00:00:31.539 --> 00:00:35.310
you. Each week I'll bring you expert interviews,
00:00:36.130 --> 00:00:39.229
inspiring stories and practical advice on how
00:00:39.229 --> 00:00:42.490
to control the flame and live a more peaceful
00:00:42.490 --> 00:00:47.250
and fulfilling life. So sit back, relax and get
00:00:47.250 --> 00:00:50.810
ready to learn how to master your emotions and
00:00:50.810 --> 00:01:03.420
take charge of your anger. And welcome to Control
00:01:03.420 --> 00:01:08.920
the Flame. I am your host, Clare Bradley. Today,
00:01:09.420 --> 00:01:12.280
we're going to be exploring something that affects
00:01:12.280 --> 00:01:16.379
every single one of us. Yep, the good old S word,
00:01:16.739 --> 00:01:21.780
stress. But more specifically, how stress influences
00:01:21.780 --> 00:01:25.599
the way that we typically respond emotionally,
00:01:26.519 --> 00:01:30.689
particularly in our relationships. If you've
00:01:30.689 --> 00:01:33.170
ever found yourself reacting in ways that you
00:01:33.170 --> 00:01:36.129
later regret, and let's face it, we all have,
00:01:36.890 --> 00:01:40.489
if stress has caused you friction in your relationships,
00:01:40.969 --> 00:01:43.750
or if you're currently navigating a relationship
00:01:43.750 --> 00:01:47.650
breakdown or a legal situation, then this episode
00:01:47.650 --> 00:01:52.310
is absolutely for you. We're going to look at
00:01:52.310 --> 00:01:55.349
the connection between stress and emotional responses,
00:01:56.310 --> 00:01:58.989
explore practical techniques for managing stress,
00:01:59.260 --> 00:02:01.840
And we're going to discuss how structured support
00:02:01.840 --> 00:02:06.120
can help create lasting change. So if you've
00:02:06.120 --> 00:02:09.180
not already done so, grab yourself a cup of tea,
00:02:09.500 --> 00:02:14.400
get comfortable and let's dive in. So let's start
00:02:14.400 --> 00:02:18.139
with a question. What actually happens in your
00:02:18.139 --> 00:02:23.960
body when you're stressed? You know, that feeling
00:02:23.960 --> 00:02:29.569
when maybe you feel the... Hairs stand up on
00:02:29.569 --> 00:02:32.250
the back of your neck or on your arms and your
00:02:32.250 --> 00:02:35.289
heart rate starts to increase. Your breathing
00:02:35.289 --> 00:02:39.229
might become shallow and you just feel that tension,
00:02:39.430 --> 00:02:46.729
maybe even headaches. And your jaw clenches.
00:02:47.750 --> 00:02:52.449
Your hands fall into fists. You might start to
00:02:52.449 --> 00:02:56.979
pace. That's your body's stress response. and
00:02:56.979 --> 00:03:01.340
it is completely automatic. But here's the crucial
00:03:01.340 --> 00:03:05.419
thing to understand that physical stress response
00:03:05.419 --> 00:03:09.199
doesn't just affect your body. It fundamentally
00:03:09.199 --> 00:03:13.639
changes how you perceive and respond to situations
00:03:13.639 --> 00:03:17.560
around you. When you're stressed, for example,
00:03:17.740 --> 00:03:21.409
your brain operates differently. The prefrontal
00:03:21.409 --> 00:03:24.610
cortex, the part that's responsible for rational
00:03:24.610 --> 00:03:29.050
thinking, perspective taking and emotional regulation.
00:03:29.770 --> 00:03:32.530
Well, essentially that goes offline, which is
00:03:32.530 --> 00:03:37.409
great, eh? So meanwhile, the amygdala, what I
00:03:37.409 --> 00:03:42.270
call the security of our brain, our brain's threat
00:03:42.270 --> 00:03:45.110
detection system, well, that goes into overdrive.
00:03:46.229 --> 00:03:49.270
So in real terms, what does this mean for us?
00:03:49.639 --> 00:03:52.759
So it means that when you're stressed, you're
00:03:52.759 --> 00:03:56.539
more likely to perceive neutral comments from
00:03:56.539 --> 00:04:01.740
others as criticisms. You might interpret ambiguous
00:04:01.740 --> 00:04:06.539
situations as threats. You might react defensively
00:04:06.539 --> 00:04:11.259
to minor issues and situations. You might struggle
00:04:11.259 --> 00:04:14.680
to see other people's perspectives, and you might
00:04:14.680 --> 00:04:17.459
make impulsive decisions that you later regret.
00:04:17.779 --> 00:04:21.839
And let's face it. We've all done that. Let me
00:04:21.839 --> 00:04:25.300
give you a real life scenario, for example. So
00:04:25.300 --> 00:04:27.160
I want you to imagine you've had a stressful
00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:30.060
day at work. You may have been criticized by
00:04:30.060 --> 00:04:33.180
your boss over a project that you've worked really
00:04:33.180 --> 00:04:37.480
hard on and you feel undervalued, defensive.
00:04:38.019 --> 00:04:41.819
You're just really not feeling great. You get
00:04:41.819 --> 00:04:45.040
home and your partner mentions that you forgot
00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:49.500
to pick up the milk on the way home. Now. That's
00:04:49.500 --> 00:04:53.259
really a simple, neutral observation. But when
00:04:53.259 --> 00:04:56.699
you're stressed, your brain will hear, you've
00:04:56.699 --> 00:05:00.920
failed again. You can't do anything right. And
00:05:00.920 --> 00:05:05.199
you will respond from that place. You might snap,
00:05:05.360 --> 00:05:08.279
you might get defensive, and perhaps escalate
00:05:08.279 --> 00:05:11.240
into a full -blown argument about something that
00:05:11.240 --> 00:05:15.040
on any other day, you wouldn't have given it
00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:16.819
any thought. It would have been a two -second
00:05:16.819 --> 00:05:21.990
conversation. The stress from work didn't cause
00:05:21.990 --> 00:05:24.930
the reaction to your partner, but it did prime
00:05:24.930 --> 00:05:28.389
you for it. Almost like putting the bullets into
00:05:28.389 --> 00:05:32.889
the revolver. So this is what I see constantly
00:05:32.889 --> 00:05:35.610
in the work that I do with clients. The anger
00:05:35.610 --> 00:05:38.189
or controlling behaviour in a relationship rarely
00:05:38.189 --> 00:05:42.310
exists in isolation. It's almost always connected
00:05:42.310 --> 00:05:46.500
to an underlying, unmanaged stress. The problem
00:05:46.500 --> 00:05:49.300
is many people don't recognise this connection.
00:05:50.199 --> 00:05:53.439
They will focus on the trigger, i .e. my partner
00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:57.180
wound me up, rather than understanding that their
00:05:57.180 --> 00:06:00.240
stress levels made them more reactive to that
00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:04.639
trigger in the first place. The first step in
00:06:04.639 --> 00:06:07.300
mastering calm isn't actually about managing
00:06:07.300 --> 00:06:10.819
your anger in the moment. It's about understanding
00:06:10.819 --> 00:06:13.920
and managing the stress that makes you more vulnerable
00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:20.480
to anger in the first place. With stress in this
00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:24.420
significant factor in how we respond emotionally,
00:06:25.420 --> 00:06:28.699
what do we actually do about it? Let me share
00:06:28.699 --> 00:06:31.120
some practical techniques that you can start
00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:34.600
implementing today. First of all, regulation
00:06:34.600 --> 00:06:38.889
through breathing. When you're stressed, your
00:06:38.889 --> 00:06:43.610
breathing becomes shallow and rapid. This actually
00:06:43.610 --> 00:06:46.370
perpetuates the stress response in your body.
00:06:47.709 --> 00:06:51.149
By consciously slowing and deepening your breath,
00:06:51.430 --> 00:06:54.709
you can actually tell your nervous system that
00:06:54.709 --> 00:06:58.629
you're safe. So let's try this now whilst you're
00:06:58.629 --> 00:07:04.009
listening. So breathe in slowly through your
00:07:04.009 --> 00:07:11.899
nose for a count of four. Hold for four. Breathe
00:07:11.899 --> 00:07:17.000
out through your nose for a count of six. And
00:07:17.000 --> 00:07:22.720
hold for two. And I want you to do that three
00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:40.279
more times. I will wait. Did you notice anything?
00:07:41.660 --> 00:07:44.879
Have your shoulders dropped? Has your jaw become
00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:49.279
more relaxed? That is your parasympathetic nervous
00:07:49.279 --> 00:07:53.439
system activating, the part that calms you down.
00:07:54.800 --> 00:07:58.680
It isn't about some mindfulness trend. This is
00:07:58.680 --> 00:08:01.699
actually neuroscience. When you control your
00:08:01.699 --> 00:08:05.240
breath, you directly influence your stress response.
00:08:06.949 --> 00:08:10.110
Secondly, let's identify your stress triggers.
00:08:11.610 --> 00:08:13.949
Most people experience stress, but they don't
00:08:13.949 --> 00:08:16.410
actually know what is causing it. They might
00:08:16.410 --> 00:08:19.709
just feel generally overwhelmed. But I want you
00:08:19.709 --> 00:08:23.470
to start paying attention. Keep a simple stress
00:08:23.470 --> 00:08:27.670
log for a week. And when you notice stress building
00:08:27.670 --> 00:08:32.169
up, write down the following. What situation
00:08:32.169 --> 00:08:38.259
you're in? What time of day is it? who you're
00:08:38.259 --> 00:08:43.600
with, or what or who you're thinking about, and
00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:47.480
what you're worrying about. Now patterns will
00:08:47.480 --> 00:08:51.120
emerge. Maybe you're most stressed on a Sunday
00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:52.980
evening when you're having to think about work
00:08:52.980 --> 00:08:56.720
on a Monday. Maybe certain people or situations
00:08:56.720 --> 00:09:00.700
consistently trigger stress. Maybe it's financial
00:09:00.700 --> 00:09:04.620
worries. Once you can name your triggers, you
00:09:04.620 --> 00:09:07.679
can start addressing them proactively. rather
00:09:07.679 --> 00:09:12.720
than just reacting to them. Thirdly, building
00:09:12.720 --> 00:09:16.620
stress resilience through routine. Your body
00:09:16.620 --> 00:09:21.299
and brain crave predictability. When life feels
00:09:21.299 --> 00:09:25.759
quite chaotic, our stress increases. Create small
00:09:25.759 --> 00:09:29.279
consistent routines will give your nervous system
00:09:29.279 --> 00:09:32.620
anchors of stability. This doesn't mean being
00:09:32.620 --> 00:09:36.950
rigid, scheduling everything. It means simple
00:09:36.950 --> 00:09:42.509
consistent practices. For example, wake up roughly
00:09:42.509 --> 00:09:47.970
at the same time, eat regular meals, move your
00:09:47.970 --> 00:09:53.389
body daily, even for a 10 minute walk. Having
00:09:53.389 --> 00:09:56.889
a consistent wind down routine before bed, that
00:09:56.889 --> 00:10:00.129
doesn't mean going to bed and consistently doom
00:10:00.129 --> 00:10:05.019
scrolling for 20 minutes. These aren't optional
00:10:05.019 --> 00:10:07.740
extras for self -care enthusiasts. These are
00:10:07.740 --> 00:10:12.240
foundational practices that impact directly your
00:10:12.240 --> 00:10:17.639
stress tolerance. Fourthly, the importance of
00:10:17.639 --> 00:10:22.299
proactive recovery. Many people will only think
00:10:22.299 --> 00:10:25.320
about stress management when they're already
00:10:25.320 --> 00:10:28.700
overwhelmed. But just like you wouldn't wait
00:10:28.700 --> 00:10:31.139
for your car to completely run out of fuel to
00:10:31.139 --> 00:10:34.649
top it up, You shouldn't wait out until we're
00:10:34.649 --> 00:10:39.250
completely burnt out to address the stress. Build
00:10:39.250 --> 00:10:42.629
in recovery practices before you feel like you
00:10:42.629 --> 00:10:46.889
need them. Think about having 10 minutes of quiet
00:10:46.889 --> 00:10:51.629
in the morning before your day starts. How about
00:10:51.629 --> 00:10:54.950
having a proper lunch away from your desk? Maybe
00:10:54.950 --> 00:10:58.110
that's sitting somewhere else, getting some fresh
00:10:58.110 --> 00:11:02.750
air. Doing 20 minutes is something you enjoy
00:11:02.750 --> 00:11:07.289
in an evening. Having one day a week with minimum
00:11:07.289 --> 00:11:10.730
demands. These aren't luxuries, these are maintenance
00:11:10.730 --> 00:11:14.049
and they directly impact your capacity to remain
00:11:14.049 --> 00:11:18.090
calm in difficult situations. Now I know what
00:11:18.090 --> 00:11:20.049
you might be thinking, I haven't got time for
00:11:20.049 --> 00:11:23.230
all of this Claire, but there's the reality.
00:11:24.230 --> 00:11:29.080
If you've got time to... deal with the consequences
00:11:29.080 --> 00:11:32.840
of the unmanaged stress, the arguments, the apologies,
00:11:33.139 --> 00:11:36.559
the damage control, the sleepless nights replaying
00:11:36.559 --> 00:11:41.820
the conflict, then you've got time to prevent
00:11:41.820 --> 00:11:45.519
these little fires because they're currently
00:11:45.519 --> 00:11:52.379
spending all of your energy. While self -help
00:11:52.379 --> 00:11:55.230
techniques are valuable, Sometimes stress and
00:11:55.230 --> 00:11:57.850
behavioural patterns that come with it require
00:11:57.850 --> 00:12:01.710
more structured support. And here is something
00:12:01.710 --> 00:12:05.190
just about the programmes that I deliver. So
00:12:05.190 --> 00:12:08.289
let me talk about the Domestic Abuse Perpetrator
00:12:08.289 --> 00:12:13.610
Programme or DAP. So this is for Domestic Abuse
00:12:13.610 --> 00:12:20.250
Perpetrators. It's a 16 -week one -to -one programme.
00:12:20.570 --> 00:12:24.059
It is designed for individuals who've been harmful
00:12:24.059 --> 00:12:27.179
in their relationships and they recognize that's
00:12:27.179 --> 00:12:30.940
the important bit. They recognize that they need
00:12:30.940 --> 00:12:34.899
to change. Now, you might be wondering what has
00:12:34.899 --> 00:12:38.460
this got to do with stress management? Well,
00:12:38.980 --> 00:12:43.820
absolutely everything. Because whilst domestic
00:12:43.820 --> 00:12:46.820
abuse perpetrator programs address harmful behaviours
00:12:46.820 --> 00:12:49.879
like control, intimidation and abuse, it also
00:12:49.879 --> 00:12:53.340
goes deeper into understanding what drives those
00:12:53.340 --> 00:12:58.419
behaviours. And consistently, stress, particularly
00:12:58.419 --> 00:13:01.399
unmanaged stress, combined with beliefs about
00:13:01.399 --> 00:13:05.120
power, control and entitlement, is a significant
00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:10.320
factor. In DAPPS, I explore how stress impacts
00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:13.409
your perception and behaviour. the underlying
00:13:13.409 --> 00:13:16.129
beliefs that influence how you respond to stress,
00:13:17.509 --> 00:13:19.769
how your attempts to manage stress through control
00:13:19.769 --> 00:13:23.809
actually create more problems, or alternative
00:13:23.809 --> 00:13:27.769
ways to respond when feeling overwhelmed or threatened.
00:13:28.490 --> 00:13:31.350
The program isn't about teaching you to manage
00:13:31.350 --> 00:13:34.769
the anger better in a superficial sense. It's
00:13:34.769 --> 00:13:38.330
more about fundamentally understanding the patterns
00:13:38.330 --> 00:13:42.210
that lead to harmful behavior and building genuinely
00:13:42.210 --> 00:13:46.970
different ways of responding. What makes DAP
00:13:46.970 --> 00:13:50.710
effective is that it doesn't focus on anger management
00:13:50.710 --> 00:13:55.169
in isolation. We look at the whole picture, your
00:13:55.169 --> 00:13:57.149
relationship with stress and how you've learned
00:13:57.149 --> 00:14:01.399
to cope with it. The beliefs you hold about relationships,
00:14:01.539 --> 00:14:05.759
power and control. The impact your behaviour
00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:09.279
has on your partner and children. And how to
00:14:09.279 --> 00:14:12.240
build genuinely different patterns of responding.
00:14:14.379 --> 00:14:17.580
I also offer coaching for individuals who want
00:14:17.580 --> 00:14:20.860
to be more flexible and have personalised support.
00:14:22.139 --> 00:14:24.740
Maybe you recognise that your anger is affecting
00:14:24.740 --> 00:14:27.769
your work or your relationships. but you haven't
00:14:27.769 --> 00:14:31.049
crossed into domestic abuse territory. Maybe
00:14:31.049 --> 00:14:33.590
you just know that stress is impacting your life
00:14:33.590 --> 00:14:37.110
and you want support that is tailored specifically
00:14:37.110 --> 00:14:40.990
to your situation. That's what coaching provides,
00:14:41.570 --> 00:14:44.129
a collaborative space to identify what's not
00:14:44.129 --> 00:14:48.870
working. Understand why and build practical strategies
00:14:48.870 --> 00:14:53.129
for change. In coaching sessions, we might explore
00:14:53.970 --> 00:14:57.950
your personal anger triggers and stress vulnerabilities.
00:14:59.190 --> 00:15:01.629
Develop emotional regulation strategies that
00:15:01.629 --> 00:15:04.909
work for your life. Build communication skills
00:15:04.909 --> 00:15:09.129
that prevent escalation. Creating personalised
00:15:09.129 --> 00:15:13.230
plans for managing high stress situations. Understanding
00:15:13.230 --> 00:15:17.049
anger as a secondary emotion, often masking stress,
00:15:17.250 --> 00:15:22.629
fear or hurt. What both DAP and coaching have
00:15:22.629 --> 00:15:26.330
in common is this. They're not just about symptom
00:15:26.330 --> 00:15:29.590
management. They're about genuine transformation.
00:15:31.950 --> 00:15:34.409
I've worked with clients who come in defensive.
00:15:34.629 --> 00:15:36.490
They're convinced their behavior isn't really
00:15:36.490 --> 00:15:38.889
that bad. They're convinced their partner is
00:15:38.889 --> 00:15:41.830
equally to blame. And over time, through consistent
00:15:41.830 --> 00:15:45.529
work, we managed to shift some of these beliefs.
00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:49.019
They start to recognize their patterns. They
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start connecting their stress to their responses
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and they might even start taking genuine accountability.
00:15:58.639 --> 00:16:02.100
One client recently said to me, I didn't realize
00:16:02.100 --> 00:16:05.039
how much my need to control everything was actually
00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:08.940
just about my own anxiety. I thought I was just
00:16:08.940 --> 00:16:11.820
being helpful, but really I was managing my stress
00:16:11.820 --> 00:16:14.480
to control everything around me, including my
00:16:14.480 --> 00:16:18.570
partner. It's that kind of insight that creates
00:16:18.570 --> 00:16:22.409
lasting change. Not just about, I'll try not
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to shout, but to genuinely understand what is
00:16:26.350 --> 00:16:31.190
driving your behaviour in the first place. Let's
00:16:31.190 --> 00:16:34.230
talk about communication because even with excellent
00:16:34.230 --> 00:16:37.149
stress management, we still need to actually
00:16:37.149 --> 00:16:40.830
talk to people in our lives. and how we communicate
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directly impacts both of our stress levels and
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our relationships. The first principle is compassionate
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communication starts with self -awareness. Before
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you speak, especially in those heated moments,
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ask yourself, what am I actually feeling right
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now? What do I need? What is the best way to
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express this that my partner can actually hear?
00:17:13.460 --> 00:17:17.720
Often we communicate from a place of unprocessed
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emotion. We feel hurt but we express anger. We
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feel scared but instead we express control. We
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feel overwhelmed but we express criticism. Compassionate
00:17:30.759 --> 00:17:33.480
communication means taking a moment to understand
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what's actually going on before you speak. Express
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emotions without blame. Here is where a massive
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difference between saying, you always make me
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feel, X, Y and Z. Instead, when this happens,
00:17:53.509 --> 00:17:57.849
I feel. So the first, that places responsibility
00:17:57.849 --> 00:18:01.369
for your emotions onto someone else. The second
00:18:01.369 --> 00:18:04.549
takes ownership of your experience whilst you
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express the situation and how it affects you.
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So we need to practice I feel statements. So
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for example, I feel stressed when plans change
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last minute because I struggle with unpredictability.
00:18:20.140 --> 00:18:23.380
I feel hurt when I perceive criticism because
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it triggers old insecurities. I feel overwhelmed
00:18:28.180 --> 00:18:30.920
when multiple things need my attention at once.
00:18:31.980 --> 00:18:34.900
It isn't about being soft or avoiding difficult
00:18:34.900 --> 00:18:38.660
conversations. It's about communicating in a
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way that is actually going to be heard rather
00:18:41.700 --> 00:18:47.539
than immediately triggering defensiveness. Thirdly,
00:18:47.839 --> 00:18:51.039
practice active listening. Most of us don't listen
00:18:51.039 --> 00:18:54.240
in conversations. We will wait our turn to speak.
00:18:54.559 --> 00:18:57.259
We formulate our responses while the other person
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is talking. We listen for points we disagree
00:19:00.039 --> 00:19:03.660
with so that we can rebut them. Active listening
00:19:03.660 --> 00:19:06.900
means to really focus fully on what the other
00:19:06.900 --> 00:19:11.339
person is saying. Notice not just their words
00:19:11.339 --> 00:19:15.259
but their tone and body language. Asking clarifying
00:19:15.259 --> 00:19:19.339
questions rather than making assumptions. Reflecting
00:19:19.339 --> 00:19:22.519
back what you've just heard to ensure you understand.
00:19:23.440 --> 00:19:26.900
and to respond to what actually was said rather
00:19:26.900 --> 00:19:30.660
than assuming what they meant. When you're stressed,
00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:34.440
active listening becomes even more crucial because
00:19:34.440 --> 00:19:38.559
stress makes it more likely that you will misunderstand
00:19:38.559 --> 00:19:44.079
or misinterpret what you're hearing. Fourth,
00:19:45.359 --> 00:19:49.150
know when to pause the conversation. Sometimes
00:19:49.150 --> 00:19:53.069
the best communication skill is recognising that
00:19:53.069 --> 00:19:56.130
you are way too activated to communicate effectively.
00:19:57.430 --> 00:19:59.890
If you notice your stress response kicking in,
00:20:00.170 --> 00:20:02.970
your heart is racing, your jaw is clenching and
00:20:02.970 --> 00:20:06.190
your mind is racing with comebacks, that's your
00:20:06.190 --> 00:20:09.849
cue to pause. Say something like, I feel too
00:20:09.849 --> 00:20:12.190
activated to have this conversation productively
00:20:12.190 --> 00:20:14.849
right now. Can we come back to it in an hour
00:20:14.849 --> 00:20:18.950
when I've calmed down? You're not avoiding conversation,
00:20:19.450 --> 00:20:24.089
you're communicating responsibly. The key is
00:20:24.089 --> 00:20:27.369
actually coming back to it. Don't use pausing
00:20:27.369 --> 00:20:30.490
as a way to avoid difficult conversations entirely.
00:20:30.970 --> 00:20:33.950
Use it as a tool to ensure the conversations
00:20:33.950 --> 00:20:38.789
are productive when they need to be. These communication
00:20:38.789 --> 00:20:42.230
skills are not just nice to have. They will directly
00:20:42.230 --> 00:20:45.630
reduce stress in your relationship, which reduces
00:20:45.630 --> 00:20:48.809
your overall stress levels, which makes you less
00:20:48.809 --> 00:20:55.589
reactive. It is an absolute positive cycle. So
00:20:55.589 --> 00:20:58.009
I am going to leave you with three key takeaways
00:20:58.009 --> 00:21:02.190
from today's episode. So firstly, stress is not
00:21:02.190 --> 00:21:05.359
just about being overwhelmed. It fundamentally
00:21:05.359 --> 00:21:09.220
changes how you perceive situations and respond
00:21:09.220 --> 00:21:12.660
emotionally. Understanding this connection is
00:21:12.660 --> 00:21:18.140
the first step towards change. Second, practice
00:21:18.140 --> 00:21:21.880
or practical stress management isn't optional
00:21:21.880 --> 00:21:25.599
or indulgent. It's essential maintenance that
00:21:25.599 --> 00:21:28.859
directly impacts your relationship and quality
00:21:28.859 --> 00:21:33.619
of life. And third, Sometimes patterns run too
00:21:33.619 --> 00:21:37.680
deep for self -help alone. Structured support
00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:41.500
through programs like DAP or coaching can provide
00:21:41.500 --> 00:21:44.740
the accountability and guidance needed for genuine
00:21:44.740 --> 00:21:51.000
lasting transformation. Thank you so much for
00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:55.220
tuning in to today's episode. If you found value
00:21:55.220 --> 00:21:57.359
in what we've discussed today, I'd love you to
00:21:57.359 --> 00:22:00.099
subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss future
00:22:00.099 --> 00:22:05.309
episodes. You can also visit my website at anger
00:22:05.309 --> 00:22:08.710
managementcoach.co.uk.
