Weekend at Conan's

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Thank you. Good nights are about the people. The laughs.
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Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
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Want to talk to Conan?
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Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan.
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Okay, let's get started. Hi, Michael J.
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Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.
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Hey, Michael J. How are you?
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I'm doing great. How are you?
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I'm doing terrific. Where are you in the world right now,
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Michael J.
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I am in.
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Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Ah, famous spot where the Wright
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Brothers' first plane took flight, right? Kitty Hawk?
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You know, I hate to start our interview off with
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a correction, Conan, but the history books tell us that
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the Wright brothers flew in Kitty Hawk. They actually flew
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in Kill Devil Hills, which is just south of Kitty Hawk.
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And the reason that Kitty Hawk gets the notoriety is
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that there's no telegraph office in in Kill Devil Hills.
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So when after they flew, they had to go up
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to Kitty Hawk, send the telegram. And then I think
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it's a PR thing. Because Kitty Hawk sounds much more
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aeronautical than Kill Devil Hills.
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Okay, let me tell you something, Michael J. You are
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dead to me now.
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Oh!
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I like this guy. You corrected me on American history.
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I'm humiliated.
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Look, if I have to flame out that way, I'm
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okay with it.
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That's fair. You seem to really know your stuff. And
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now I know something. And you're right. I do know
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that the captions of the photograph of the plane flying
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say Kill Devil Hill. So, yes, you are correct. You
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just upped me on that.
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I didn't know that.
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That's fantastic.
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Well, I panicked and I just tried to make, I
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don't think I've ever seen a photo that says that.
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He made it up.
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I made it up.
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You know what? I think after you said it, it's
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written in and it's now, I mean, that's gospel.
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You know what, Michael J., you went in 30 seconds
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from being dead to me to being my best friend ever.
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because you paid me that compliment of saying that anything
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I say is gospel. Tell us a little bit about yourself,
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Michael J. I like you. You've got great energy. I'm
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clicking with you right away. What do you do? What's
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your profession?
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Well, I'm a retired clown, circus clown.
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Me too. No wonder. Although I'm having trouble retiring, but no,
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I very much, I'm with you, man. I feel the same.
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I feel your pain. So you are, You've been a
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circus clown for how long?
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For 20 years now. Started in 2004. That's amazing. Were
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you trained?
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Did you go to clown college? What was your background?
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How did you get into clowning?
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I didn't. I'm going to correct you again, Conan. There's
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no such thing as clown college like a sort of
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academic institution. Clown College that most people know of is
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really the Ringling Brothers training camp.
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It's like- But wasn't it called, now I'm going to
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correct you. No, no, no, you're correct.
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It's called the Clown College.
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Yeah. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
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I'm totally fine with him correcting you.
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Michael J.
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that's fine to correct me, but it turns out I was,
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you just said I was correct. I was dating a
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girl once in another lifetime, long time ago. This is
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weeks ago. No, I'm kidding.
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Yeah.
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Many, many years ago, I was dating this woman and
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after we dated, she was working at the time in
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a sports bar and she was waiting tables and we
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dated a little bit in Chicago. Then afterwards, she said,
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I'm off. And I said, where are you going? And
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she said, I'm off to clown college. And she had
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never mentioned anything about that. And then I told some
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of the other writers at SNL and they started making
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lots of jokes about you know, before you went to
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bed with her? Would you take off your really long shoes?
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Did she sometimes have to sweep up the spotlight around
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the apartment? So it was a mistake to mention that
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to a bunch of SNL writers.
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Anyway.
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The best thing to imagine the noises that might come
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out of a room are the.
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Highly erotic.
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Guess what? I'm you just aroused me. I'm going to say, hey,
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come on.
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Come on. Yeah. I'm sorry.
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The idea of a clown doing it and making that noise,
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I think, is one of my kinks. I want to
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tell you something, Michael J. You seem to have a
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great sense of humor. You'd be good at clowning. What
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kind of clown were you? What was your persona?
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So I like to practice something I call benevolent clowning.
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So a lot of clowns are kind of like real
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mischievous and like are going to, you know, like stick
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it to you and, you know.
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Pennywise.
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Pennywise is going to stick it to you.
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Pennywise is not a nice clown. Malicious clown.
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And so I tend to be sort of a, you know,
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a clown sort of from the heart. I like to
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find the idiocy, the idiocy in a moment and sort
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of live in that. We sit in the muck is
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a thing the clowns say a lot.
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I ascribe to that philosophy, which is there are different
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comedic schools. Some comedians like to, I'm the teller of truth.
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I'm above you telling you about the world. Um, I
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like to be in the mud or the muck as
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you guys call it. Um, I like mostly the joke
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to be on me, but, uh, but also, um, sometimes
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I like it to be about Matt Gourley and Sonoma Session.
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I like to, I feel like I'm pulling them down
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into the mud with me and rubbing muck all over them.
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Huh?
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That's my philosophy.
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I think it might've been Buster Keaton who said the
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audience loves a slow thinker. And so I like to
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be a slow thinker that has just a big heart,
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you know, because, because I look like, and for, you know,
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people listening, they won't be able to see me, but
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I look like if a panda bear and a human
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being merged into one. And like we got in a
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fly teleportation pod accident. So that's, that's sort of the
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climbing that I sort of, I lead with that.
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I like your philosophy. I think it's very sweet. And
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so you've been a clown for a long time, and
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it sounds like you've been successful entertaining people. Is that
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pretty much the plan going forward, or is there something
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else you're working on?
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You know, that's interesting. A lot of beautiful boxes have
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been checked in my life, and I feel extraordinarily lucky
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to have led the path that I have. And so
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I'm not sure I'm really on the lookout for something,
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whatever is next. And so recently I became a certified
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death doula.
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Whoa, a death doula.
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Yeah, are you familiar with that?
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Well, I'm conjuring what I think it might be, and
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I may have been around it. These are people that
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when someone's passing, when they're, is a death doula there
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for the person who's dying or for the people who
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are grieving?
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Both.
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Both, okay. The easiest way to describe it is Whereas
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a birth doula, so like midwives and birth doulas, whereas
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a birth doula helps in the labor of birth, a
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death doula helps in the labor of death because there
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is a sequence of events that happens for a person
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who's in the process of death and dying. And it's
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something where you can help them in their journey. You
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can help the families in their journey. You're there to
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help educate.
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I have no idea how somebody– prepares for that or
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how you can learn about that. I was around someone,
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and it's not a tragic story. It was someone who
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was very, very old, who was passing on. And I mean,
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I think close to a hundred, if not a hundred,
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and they were passing on. It was the first time
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I had been around a death doula. And I was
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really impressed with the explanations they were giving about what's
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happening and that this is a very natural process. Obviously
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sometimes- It's not a natural, someone's, you know, a bank
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safe falls on them. That's not a natural process. But
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it's funny. Yeah, it's funny when it, you know, happens.
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The safe is made of natural materials.
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Exactly, yeah. But in this scenario, I don't know, it
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blew my mind that this person was so helpful and
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just understood that this is what's happening. And as you know,
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we have a culture that isolates us from death. We
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scrub it clean.
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We don't.
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People used to, when someone, people used to die all
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the time and they would have the person in the
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casket in the house for three days, you know, before
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they buried them, you were present. Now it's all been
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taken care of and, and sanitized.
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You're correct again, Conan, right on the spot. Cause it's, uh,
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it's something that we've gotten as a society. We've been
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very separated from funeral rites. We don't prepare the body anymore.
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We don't put them in a casket. We're not close
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to them. Basically, once our loved one dies, they get
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handed off and then they come back to us either
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in an urn or in a casket and then we
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put them in the ground. It's something, I think one
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of the biggest jobs of a death doula is just
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to get death back in the conversation. I think as
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a society, we tend to keep it at arm's length.
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We don't even want to say the word death. In fact,
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that's a debate among death doulas is should we be
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called death doulas or end of life doulas? And I
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think that's exactly the point is that we need to
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take the power away from where the stigma attached to
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the word death. It's like they're contorting the words to say,
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I'm a life not anymore doula.
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Wait, you're what? I'm a good times life over now counselor.
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Yeah.
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Which is just so strange.
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Life the endy guy.
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That's too harsh. I like it. You're hired.
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I've got some bad news.
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Oh, no.
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Running out person helper.
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Yeah.
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Heart ending helper. I very much am concerned. I want
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to do whatever's best for the people around me when
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my time comes.
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What about before your time comes?
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No, fuck that. Screw all of you. What I want,
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Michael J., is I want some sort of in a
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Weekend at Bernie's kind of way. I want my body
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to be around for a couple of weeks. And I
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want to be brought to parties and stuff so that
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people really get the idea that like he's gone and
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it eases the transition for everyone else. And I get
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to party. I get to party. You're dead. Well, still,
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I get to like, you know.
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Yeah.
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Put the sunglasses on.
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What is it?
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I have to take you to bars around Marchmont.
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I forget what weekend at Bernie's was his glasses on
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kind of sideways.
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Yeah.
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And then the thing about that, and I know that
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we were talking about a very serious topic, Michael J,
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but I've taken us to weekend at Bernie's and you're
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a death expert. And I think I want to get
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00:12:06.360 --> 00:12:09.059
your opinion. The mistake they made in that movie is
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that when people die, they don't become floppy dummies. And
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00:12:12.899 --> 00:12:16.269
this guy's dead for days and he's just this floppy
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dummy so that the comedy works. When in reality, they
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00:12:19.610 --> 00:12:22.250
should do a remake of Weekend at Bernie's where the
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00:12:22.289 --> 00:12:25.629
body decomposes in the natural way, but they try the
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00:12:25.669 --> 00:12:26.090
same gag.
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00:12:26.110 --> 00:12:27.450
Rigor mortis and everything?
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00:12:27.509 --> 00:12:27.769
Yes.
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00:12:28.049 --> 00:12:30.090
Right, right, right. When does it get stinky?
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00:12:31.190 --> 00:12:32.289
Well, let's not get into that.
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Oh, okay.
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I mean, I don't want to depress Michael J. My
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body will become very odorous very quickly.
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00:12:38.639 --> 00:12:40.320
Oh, come on.
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I plan to die eating a massive amount of onions
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and chili.
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00:12:43.980 --> 00:12:44.100
Oh.
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00:12:55.409 --> 00:12:59.169
Good nights are about the people, the laughs, the real
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00:12:59.220 --> 00:13:02.399
moments you don't want to miss. So why step outside?
272
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already use nicotine.
278
00:13:22.139 --> 00:13:24.220
Not every day you meet an Irish legend.
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00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:25.720
I know what you mean, Coo Collam.
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00:13:25.940 --> 00:13:31.809
Leaping vast distances, holding off armies... Eating tonnes of fresh grass. What?
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00:13:31.909 --> 00:13:33.190
Not you, we're cows.
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00:13:33.470 --> 00:13:36.330
That's one of the reasons Irish milk is so good.
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00:13:36.570 --> 00:13:38.690
It's famous all over the world.
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00:13:38.990 --> 00:13:40.610
Legendary.
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00:13:41.049 --> 00:13:44.129
Ireland's grass and our farmers' commitment to more sustainable actions
286
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help make Irish dairy a true Irish legend. Always look
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for the National Dairy Council guarantee. Learn more at ndc.ie.
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Batteries, tech, toys and tools that power our everyday lives.
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And inside them are materials like aluminium, cobalt, copper and
290
00:14:00.450 --> 00:14:03.169
lithium that can be used again and again. So when
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they're finished, don't let them go to waste. Recycle them
292
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for free.
293
00:14:07.669 --> 00:14:08.090
It's easy.
294
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Just return your old batteries and electricals for free recycling
295
00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:15.139
to your nearest participating retailer or your local recycling centre.
296
00:14:15.740 --> 00:14:18.980
Find your nearest free drop-off point at weireland.ie today.
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00:14:23.409 --> 00:14:25.990
Due to the leaves falling in autumn and the challenges
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00:14:26.029 --> 00:14:29.269
this brings, Eireann Road Eireann wishes to advise customers that
299
00:14:29.309 --> 00:14:32.309
a revised timetable will take effect on Dart and Dublin
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00:14:32.370 --> 00:14:37.309
commuter routes from Monday, September 21st until December 12th. Morning
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00:14:37.350 --> 00:14:40.350
and evening peak services will be affected with some earlier
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00:14:40.370 --> 00:14:43.450
departure times. Please check travel times on the Eireann Road
303
00:14:43.529 --> 00:14:47.590
Eireann app or irishrail.ie. Eireann Road Eireann is part of
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00:14:47.629 --> 00:14:49.049
the Transport for Ireland network.
305
00:14:57.620 --> 00:14:59.720
Now I'm thinking about after you die, how I would
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00:14:59.759 --> 00:15:01.759
want you to just still be here so we could
307
00:15:01.799 --> 00:15:03.899
still get paid for doing this podcast.
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00:15:04.039 --> 00:15:05.929
But that's the weekend at Bernie's plot, which is.
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00:15:05.950 --> 00:15:06.769
Yeah.
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00:15:06.889 --> 00:15:09.409
And then you keep doing a Conan voice and jostling me.
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00:15:09.470 --> 00:15:11.509
Well, no, I'll take all the past footage and just
312
00:15:11.529 --> 00:15:12.250
start playing it.
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00:15:12.830 --> 00:15:15.190
Hey, Conan, how was your weekend?
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00:15:16.830 --> 00:15:21.269
Oh, gosh. Nevertheless, I'm Conan O'Brien.
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00:15:22.950 --> 00:15:25.049
Nevertheless, I'm Conan O'Brien.
316
00:15:25.090 --> 00:15:28.009
Look, that's part of the comedy is it can't be perfect.
317
00:15:28.929 --> 00:15:29.789
Well, bingo.
318
00:15:29.809 --> 00:15:30.470
Nevertheless.
319
00:15:30.870 --> 00:15:31.769
See, there's another one.
320
00:15:31.850 --> 00:15:32.309
Bingo.
321
00:15:32.429 --> 00:15:35.129
I'm Conan O'Brien. Hello, I'm Conan O'Brien.
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00:15:35.240 --> 00:15:37.100
I keep giving and everyone's taking.
323
00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:39.039
I do all the work around here.
324
00:15:39.080 --> 00:15:42.220
I'm the pharaoh and you guys, you know, work.
325
00:15:42.909 --> 00:15:43.649
I'm the son.
326
00:15:44.090 --> 00:15:45.450
I lost it.
327
00:15:46.190 --> 00:15:47.009
Look, he is dead.
328
00:15:47.210 --> 00:15:49.090
He is dead. What happened to him?
329
00:15:49.309 --> 00:15:54.850
There we go. This is embarrassing, but my headset cord
330
00:15:55.049 --> 00:16:00.440
got tangled around my chair with little wheels. And as
331
00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:04.000
I was talking to you, it was pulling my headset off,
332
00:16:04.059 --> 00:16:06.279
and I was getting pulled lower and lower, and I
333
00:16:06.299 --> 00:16:07.809
didn't know it was wrong. This is how you die.
334
00:16:08.279 --> 00:16:11.019
And I was a near-death experience.
335
00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:11.159
Yeah.
336
00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:14.860
How about a near-death doula, someone who can talk between
337
00:16:14.879 --> 00:16:16.960
the stages of near-death? Because I think I almost bought
338
00:16:16.980 --> 00:16:18.519
it right there, Michael J.
339
00:16:18.620 --> 00:16:21.370
Well, it could be someone who comes and scares you
340
00:16:21.470 --> 00:16:25.110
almost to death and gives you different scenarios where you
341
00:16:25.129 --> 00:16:28.610
could almost die. I think that's a- Now, Michael J.
342
00:16:28.669 --> 00:16:31.460
do you ever find, and maybe you haven't done it
343
00:16:31.700 --> 00:16:33.539
for that long, but I know this is a very
344
00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:37.730
serious topic. But will you ever use your clowning skills
345
00:16:37.950 --> 00:16:40.649
as a death doula? Would they ever come out? Or
346
00:16:40.669 --> 00:16:43.049
maybe people are really sad and you're like, oh, come on, everybody.
347
00:16:43.070 --> 00:16:43.850
Don't be too sad.
348
00:16:44.289 --> 00:16:47.549
Well, maybe if it's a family of clowns.
349
00:16:47.570 --> 00:16:48.649
Yeah.
350
00:16:48.750 --> 00:16:49.220
That's right.
351
00:16:49.220 --> 00:16:51.759
75 of them step out of one hearse.
352
00:16:58.950 --> 00:17:03.049
I mean, look, that's going to be, you know, when
353
00:17:03.110 --> 00:17:04.430
that happens, I'll have won.
354
00:17:05.349 --> 00:17:10.410
I'm a big believer that humor, we need humor constantly.
355
00:17:10.750 --> 00:17:13.750
And that's my reaction to death a lot is just
356
00:17:13.789 --> 00:17:16.710
go with jokes right away to the grieving family members,
357
00:17:16.869 --> 00:17:20.670
often at the accident scene, just to try and ease
358
00:17:20.710 --> 00:17:21.009
the pain.
359
00:17:21.750 --> 00:17:24.170
You're the first responder sometimes even before the ambulance.
360
00:17:24.410 --> 00:17:26.569
Yeah, and they'll say this guy could easily be saved
361
00:17:27.130 --> 00:17:29.450
if you just do some simple CPR. And I'm like, CPR?
362
00:17:29.490 --> 00:17:30.750
What's that stand for anyway?
363
00:17:32.230 --> 00:17:32.710
Cookies?
364
00:17:33.529 --> 00:17:34.130
Pralines?
365
00:17:34.970 --> 00:17:35.710
And rutabagas?
366
00:17:35.789 --> 00:17:37.450
Is that what it stands for? I mean, what's going
367
00:17:37.470 --> 00:17:37.869
on here?
368
00:17:37.890 --> 00:17:38.519
Oh, he is.
369
00:17:38.609 --> 00:17:39.750
It's weekend at Conan's.
370
00:17:39.950 --> 00:17:40.789
He is dead.
371
00:17:41.069 --> 00:17:42.210
Are you dead now?
372
00:17:42.490 --> 00:17:42.990
I am dead.
373
00:17:43.009 --> 00:17:43.930
What happened?
374
00:17:44.130 --> 00:17:45.609
I don't know. I don't know what's wrong, Michael J.
375
00:17:46.869 --> 00:17:50.819
you've taken us to go down the weekend at Conan's street.
376
00:17:51.779 --> 00:17:54.220
Two things. One is I feel like modern technology has
377
00:17:54.640 --> 00:17:55.980
to be able to give us a way to keep
378
00:17:56.000 --> 00:17:58.940
the bodies loose for at least a few months after death.
379
00:17:59.049 --> 00:18:00.529
And it has to be able to wear a, a,
380
00:18:00.970 --> 00:18:03.569
a Caribbean shirt. Yeah.
381
00:18:03.730 --> 00:18:03.910
Right.
382
00:18:04.250 --> 00:18:07.369
And have like a group of like Bunraku puppeteers, like
383
00:18:07.390 --> 00:18:09.660
three or four come in, like, you know, operate you.
384
00:18:09.740 --> 00:18:10.440
Yeah.
385
00:18:10.460 --> 00:18:13.819
Um, The second thing is my hope is that somehow
386
00:18:13.940 --> 00:18:16.480
modern technology and science gives us the ability to do
387
00:18:16.519 --> 00:18:19.440
what they did in Weekend at Bernie's 2, which is
388
00:18:19.569 --> 00:18:21.009
there was the sort of voodoo.
389
00:18:21.119 --> 00:18:22.049
Voodoo, that's right.
390
00:18:22.069 --> 00:18:23.329
Do you remember this?
391
00:18:23.670 --> 00:18:25.490
Well, I never watched it. The minute I heard there
392
00:18:25.509 --> 00:18:28.470
was a Weekend at Bernie's 2, I tried to shoot myself.
393
00:18:29.930 --> 00:18:32.190
To make part three. Someone wrestled the gun away from
394
00:18:32.210 --> 00:18:34.829
me and I was saved. But no, but you stood
395
00:18:34.869 --> 00:18:37.269
in line. You stood in line. You stood in line.
396
00:18:38.430 --> 00:18:42.029
You stood in line. For a ticket. And to see
397
00:18:42.089 --> 00:18:43.170
Weekend at Bernie's 2.
398
00:18:43.170 --> 00:18:43.490
Did you?
399
00:18:43.690 --> 00:18:45.829
Is that true, Michael J.? You did?
400
00:18:46.069 --> 00:18:46.450
Absolutely.
401
00:18:46.730 --> 00:18:47.369
Absolutely.
402
00:18:47.430 --> 00:18:49.329
Did you see Mannequin 2 on the move?
403
00:18:49.769 --> 00:18:50.230
No.
404
00:18:50.529 --> 00:18:51.690
I did not know there was Mannequin 2.
405
00:18:51.670 --> 00:18:52.829
Why are you bringing Mannequin into it?
406
00:18:52.829 --> 00:18:55.690
It just seems like a similar idea. Sister movie. Was
407
00:18:55.710 --> 00:18:56.589
there a Mannequin 2?
408
00:18:56.569 --> 00:18:56.750
Yeah.
409
00:18:56.869 --> 00:18:57.640
Same people in it?
410
00:18:58.250 --> 00:19:00.950
I think it's just, no, not the main guy. I
411
00:19:00.970 --> 00:19:03.710
think it was just the guy who's the, like, is it?
412
00:19:04.059 --> 00:19:05.059
Wow, you're all over this one.
413
00:19:05.140 --> 00:19:07.259
Well, I didn't expect to be grilled, Senator.
414
00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:10.680
Oh, excuse me. Then why did you introduce Mannequin 2
415
00:19:10.680 --> 00:19:13.380
if you did not have the facts at your fingertips?
416
00:19:13.420 --> 00:19:14.660
This committee finds you guilty.
417
00:19:14.829 --> 00:19:16.079
I just can't.
418
00:19:15.900 --> 00:19:20.490
Believe the first weekend at Bernie's is still something. Like,
419
00:19:20.670 --> 00:19:21.990
he had sex with a woman.
420
00:19:22.789 --> 00:19:23.529
Wait, the dead guy did?
421
00:19:23.549 --> 00:19:25.390
Do you guys remember? No, we didn't.
422
00:19:25.450 --> 00:19:29.369
The mob boss's wife or girlfriend, you remember this, Eduardo,
423
00:19:29.769 --> 00:19:32.670
goes upstairs and then they just hear like squealing and
424
00:19:33.180 --> 00:19:34.339
And they're looking at each other like.
425
00:19:34.440 --> 00:19:37.279
Is she going to realize he's dead?
426
00:19:38.180 --> 00:19:39.329
He's dead.
427
00:19:39.400 --> 00:19:40.549
And she had sex with him.
428
00:19:40.849 --> 00:19:43.289
So necrophilia is a plot point.
429
00:19:44.170 --> 00:19:44.309
Yes!
430
00:19:44.750 --> 00:19:47.250
Can the listeners please tell me if this is true?
431
00:19:48.150 --> 00:19:51.630
Does a woman have sex? with a dead body in
432
00:19:51.670 --> 00:19:53.819
Weekend at Bernie's, which is a comedy?
433
00:19:53.880 --> 00:19:54.650
I can confirm that.
434
00:19:54.930 --> 00:19:55.880
She does.
435
00:19:56.000 --> 00:19:59.279
If you were there for number two, then... No, that
436
00:19:59.299 --> 00:19:59.779
was in one.
437
00:19:59.799 --> 00:20:01.900
I think that was in one. The sex happened in one.
438
00:20:01.940 --> 00:20:04.400
The sex happened in the first one.
439
00:20:04.740 --> 00:20:07.099
I love that we got you off of your noble
440
00:20:07.160 --> 00:20:11.119
death doula profession into the muck Talk about the muck.
441
00:20:11.599 --> 00:20:14.940
We are in the swamp of idiocy right now. All right, Eduardo,
442
00:20:14.960 --> 00:20:16.789
what do you got to say? You told me ahead
443
00:20:16.809 --> 00:20:18.470
of time. Yeah, there's a parent's guide.
444
00:20:18.490 --> 00:20:20.670
There's a sex and nudity parent's guide for Weekend at
445
00:20:20.690 --> 00:20:23.930
Bernie's because of the sex scene with his corpse.
446
00:20:24.410 --> 00:20:24.609
Yes.
447
00:20:24.690 --> 00:20:27.309
Wow, so it's necrophilia for her, but not for him.
448
00:20:27.950 --> 00:20:28.470
Well, he's dead.
449
00:20:28.730 --> 00:20:29.029
I know.
450
00:20:29.049 --> 00:20:29.930
It's nothing for him.
451
00:20:30.450 --> 00:20:34.750
Well, it's like vitaphilia. It's sex with a live person.
452
00:20:34.990 --> 00:20:39.269
Yeah. Right, but he is senseless insensate. He has moved on.
453
00:20:39.470 --> 00:20:40.890
Senator, you're out of order.
454
00:20:41.130 --> 00:20:41.450
Okay.
455
00:20:42.589 --> 00:20:45.690
I don't know what happened here, but boy, did they
456
00:20:45.730 --> 00:20:47.910
used to make... What happened to the good old movies?
457
00:20:48.369 --> 00:20:48.750
I know.
458
00:20:48.829 --> 00:20:50.430
Back in the 80s, they knew how to make them.
459
00:20:50.569 --> 00:20:51.829
Remember in Water Skis 2?
460
00:20:51.829 --> 00:20:52.089
Yeah.
461
00:20:52.609 --> 00:20:54.710
And he keeps hitting the buoys on the head, remember?
462
00:20:54.730 --> 00:20:59.599
Yeah. Classic movie. And at no point does his corpse
463
00:20:59.619 --> 00:21:00.400
start to swell.
464
00:21:00.420 --> 00:21:00.720
No.
465
00:21:01.319 --> 00:21:01.940
Or burble.
466
00:21:02.440 --> 00:21:06.950
At no point are there various emanations of... Oh, I
467
00:21:06.970 --> 00:21:07.609
think there are.
468
00:21:07.950 --> 00:21:12.170
Water skiing, and he got waterlogged. He never swelled. Okay.
469
00:21:12.190 --> 00:21:12.789
I don't understand.
470
00:21:12.849 --> 00:21:16.049
Michael J. I'm so sorry, Michael J. Can I just say?
471
00:21:16.069 --> 00:21:16.869
What have we done?
472
00:21:16.890 --> 00:21:18.529
I'm not sure if you know how much I love
473
00:21:18.569 --> 00:21:19.109
this movie.
474
00:21:19.130 --> 00:21:21.750
What happens in the second one? I think we do, yeah.
475
00:21:21.869 --> 00:21:24.490
In the second one, and we'll get back to how
476
00:21:24.529 --> 00:21:28.230
you comfort the dead and dying.
477
00:21:28.269 --> 00:21:29.369
We'll get back to that.
478
00:21:29.410 --> 00:21:30.150
We're out of time.
479
00:21:30.289 --> 00:21:31.369
But we can hit Bernie's.
480
00:21:31.390 --> 00:21:31.789
No, no.
481
00:21:32.009 --> 00:21:35.039
We're making time for this. We can hit Bernie's, too.
482
00:21:35.930 --> 00:21:37.470
Does it take place like a day later?
483
00:21:37.490 --> 00:21:42.339
I think it happens over the course of about a week. Right.
484
00:21:42.359 --> 00:21:47.009
And then voodoo allows him, the corpse, to be reanimated.
485
00:21:47.849 --> 00:21:51.470
Oh, no, that happens much later, I think. I'm not
486
00:21:51.509 --> 00:21:53.670
sure what the time frame between Weekend at Bernie's 1
487
00:21:53.670 --> 00:21:54.349
and 2 is.
488
00:21:54.430 --> 00:21:57.009
Well, why did you call in to this show if
489
00:21:57.049 --> 00:22:01.279
you don't have the correct information on Weekend at Bernie's
490
00:22:01.279 --> 00:22:03.079
1 versus Weekend at Bernie's 2? Eduardo, can you give
491
00:22:03.119 --> 00:22:03.740
us the plot.
492
00:22:03.559 --> 00:22:05.400
Synopsis of Weekend at Bernie's 2?
493
00:22:05.400 --> 00:22:06.319
Yeah, plot synopsis.
494
00:22:06.339 --> 00:22:07.380
It's a long plot.
495
00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:10.779
That's okay. We've got time. I hope no one's dying
496
00:22:10.799 --> 00:22:12.250
in the next room, Michael J.
497
00:22:13.859 --> 00:22:14.440
Help me.
498
00:22:14.539 --> 00:22:15.299
I'm scared.
499
00:22:15.319 --> 00:22:15.829
Shut up.
500
00:22:16.140 --> 00:22:17.930
I'm on with Conan. We're talking about Weekend at Bernie's 2.
501
00:22:17.900 --> 00:22:21.849
Please help me. It's a terrible movie.
502
00:22:21.890 --> 00:22:22.529
Good movie.
503
00:22:23.730 --> 00:22:25.789
I didn't see it. I'll give you the short one.
504
00:22:25.910 --> 00:22:29.410
After witnessing the murder of their corrupt boss, Bernie Lomax,
505
00:22:29.619 --> 00:22:33.319
Larry Wilson, and Richard Parker are blamed for Bernie's embezzlement
506
00:22:33.400 --> 00:22:36.839
and fired. Desperate to find the stolen $ 2 million and
507
00:22:36.940 --> 00:22:39.640
clear their names, the pair learns the fortune was hidden
508
00:22:39.759 --> 00:22:42.779
in the Virgin Islands and travels there in pursuit. Meanwhile,
509
00:22:42.839 --> 00:22:46.259
Bernie's corpse is partially revived in a voodoo ceremony by
510
00:22:46.319 --> 00:22:48.019
gangsters also looking for the money.
511
00:22:48.359 --> 00:22:48.539
Well.
512
00:22:49.799 --> 00:22:50.579
It's good we know that.
513
00:22:50.599 --> 00:22:54.549
The walk that Bernie does when he's revived is hilarious.
514
00:22:54.750 --> 00:22:55.369
I remember that.
515
00:22:55.390 --> 00:22:57.690
He sort of comes up and then he kind of
516
00:22:57.769 --> 00:23:00.990
just squats and does this like sort of half. It's
517
00:23:01.029 --> 00:23:02.630
hard to describe, but you just got to watch it.
518
00:23:02.670 --> 00:23:04.329
And the smirk on his face is still there. And
519
00:23:04.369 --> 00:23:07.089
he just walks and he's animated. So he doesn't have
520
00:23:07.109 --> 00:23:09.650
to have operators, you know, operating in this time.
521
00:23:09.690 --> 00:23:10.289
Like in one.
522
00:23:10.309 --> 00:23:10.910
Yeah.
523
00:23:11.089 --> 00:23:11.609
Yeah.
524
00:23:11.650 --> 00:23:12.069
He walks around.
525
00:23:12.450 --> 00:23:17.420
Okay, well, Michael J., you have completely disqualified yourself.
526
00:23:19.079 --> 00:23:20.029
I don't know, you're hired.
527
00:23:23.170 --> 00:23:25.450
I mean, if I'm on my deathbed and Michael J.
528
00:23:25.470 --> 00:23:29.029
is distracting me with Weekend at Bernie's 2, that's mission accomplished,
529
00:23:29.089 --> 00:23:29.369
I think.
530
00:23:29.950 --> 00:23:31.930
You know, I do think you should talk about this
531
00:23:31.950 --> 00:23:34.259
with the next person who's moving on to the next plane.
532
00:23:34.579 --> 00:23:37.119
Maybe this would be a great topic. Or maybe screen it.
533
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:38.480
Screen it for them, one and two.
534
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:40.960
You don't realize this is not a podcast episode. He's
535
00:23:41.079 --> 00:23:42.420
on as your death doula right now.
536
00:23:43.160 --> 00:23:43.519
Oh, right.
537
00:23:43.720 --> 00:23:45.900
Good a time as any is right now. All I
538
00:23:45.960 --> 00:23:49.039
want is a bottle of good Pinot Noir and a
539
00:23:49.119 --> 00:23:51.990
good pizza margarita, which is right down the street. And
540
00:23:52.009 --> 00:23:53.829
then I want to watch The Godfather 1 and 2.
541
00:23:53.829 --> 00:23:55.549
Then I want to watch Weekend at Bernie's 1 and 2.
542
00:23:55.549 --> 00:23:57.950
There it is. Then I want someone to find a
543
00:23:57.990 --> 00:24:00.609
cure for whatever I have, but still drink all the
544
00:24:00.670 --> 00:24:01.430
wine and eat the pizza.
545
00:24:01.589 --> 00:24:03.210
And then we're going to Weekend at Bernie's you.
546
00:24:03.299 --> 00:24:03.470
Yeah.
547
00:24:03.599 --> 00:24:05.980
No, no, I'm cured because of the cure they found. Oh, no,
548
00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:06.460
you're dead.
549
00:24:06.519 --> 00:24:06.880
You died.
550
00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:07.299
You're dead.
551
00:24:07.440 --> 00:24:07.660
Yeah.
552
00:24:07.940 --> 00:24:08.599
No, never.
553
00:24:08.619 --> 00:24:11.839
You're dead. Can't happen. Never? Too big a star. Too
554
00:24:11.859 --> 00:24:14.759
big a star. America won't stand for it. They'll revive
555
00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:17.440
me using voodoo. Michael J.
556
00:24:17.500 --> 00:24:18.299
Yes.
557
00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:20.579
Do you have a question for me before I go? Yeah.
558
00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:21.160
Yeah.
559
00:24:21.529 --> 00:24:24.210
So, you know, a lot of my professional career has
560
00:24:24.250 --> 00:24:27.769
been as a clown. I feel like you are, if not,
561
00:24:28.190 --> 00:24:33.150
you know, clown, then certainly clown adjacent. But have you
562
00:24:33.289 --> 00:24:37.390
ever forayed, you know, feet first all the way in
563
00:24:37.609 --> 00:24:41.019
to clowning? And if you have, or if you are
564
00:24:41.059 --> 00:24:43.500
interested in doing that, what would your clown name be
565
00:24:43.539 --> 00:24:44.700
and what kind of clown?
566
00:24:44.880 --> 00:24:47.359
Are you clown curious? I am clown curious.
567
00:24:47.460 --> 00:24:47.680
Yes.
568
00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:49.940
I am not only clown adjacent, I'm clown curious. Yeah.
569
00:24:50.440 --> 00:24:53.819
I've often thought that I am a clown in that,
570
00:24:53.980 --> 00:24:57.460
that that is my natural state. My favorite audience is kids.
571
00:24:58.200 --> 00:25:00.230
I love to make kids laugh. And to me, that's
572
00:25:00.250 --> 00:25:02.490
the true test. If you're a clown or not is,
573
00:25:02.529 --> 00:25:05.750
can you make kids laugh? Um, and I, I work real,
574
00:25:05.829 --> 00:25:08.039
I mean, if I, I had trouble with Sona's twins
575
00:25:08.539 --> 00:25:12.460
because they are tough kids. Come from a tough, broken home.
576
00:25:13.420 --> 00:25:15.619
They're really, they laugh at everything else.
577
00:25:16.259 --> 00:25:17.559
But anyway, I got them eventually.
578
00:25:17.700 --> 00:25:18.680
All they do is laugh.
579
00:25:18.920 --> 00:25:21.299
I think I would not overdo it on the makeup.
580
00:25:21.519 --> 00:25:23.849
I don't think I need to. I think I'm clownish already.
581
00:25:23.869 --> 00:25:27.210
I think I would slightly exaggerate what I have. And
582
00:25:27.250 --> 00:25:29.829
I think I'd be more of like the chaplain Keaton
583
00:25:29.869 --> 00:25:32.670
school of clown. I think I would wear, and I
584
00:25:32.710 --> 00:25:34.230
think I would do a lot of physical comedy, which
585
00:25:34.269 --> 00:25:36.799
at my age is very dangerous and would quickly lead
586
00:25:36.819 --> 00:25:39.920
to my death. I think my name would just be
587
00:25:39.960 --> 00:25:42.309
Conan because, you know, that's the best. That is my
588
00:25:42.349 --> 00:25:43.779
clown name. You think about it.
589
00:25:44.190 --> 00:25:45.029
A great clown name.
590
00:25:45.230 --> 00:25:45.490
Yeah.
591
00:25:45.730 --> 00:25:48.349
I was, I was thinking about this and I was
592
00:25:48.390 --> 00:25:51.210
trying to think of something that is, you know, like
593
00:25:51.250 --> 00:25:52.690
long and skinny and red.
594
00:25:52.710 --> 00:25:53.069
Oh, Jesus.
595
00:25:53.089 --> 00:25:53.630
Kind of like you.
596
00:25:53.869 --> 00:25:54.450
Oh, okay.
597
00:25:54.670 --> 00:25:56.230
And I thought of Twizzlers.
598
00:25:56.769 --> 00:25:57.130
Twizzlers.
599
00:25:57.230 --> 00:25:57.750
Oh, Twizzlers.
600
00:25:58.289 --> 00:25:58.809
Twizzles.
601
00:25:59.109 --> 00:26:00.750
Twizzles. Twizzles is not bad.
602
00:26:00.890 --> 00:26:01.630
Twizzles the clown.
603
00:26:01.930 --> 00:26:03.849
Or also- Because I feel like Coco would be like,
604
00:26:03.890 --> 00:26:05.509
that's a pitch down the middle of the plate, right?
605
00:26:05.529 --> 00:26:06.190
Yeah.
606
00:26:06.289 --> 00:26:06.710
It's too much.
607
00:26:06.730 --> 00:26:11.019
It's right there on the nose. But Twizzles feels like
608
00:26:11.079 --> 00:26:11.769
a good.
609
00:26:11.839 --> 00:26:17.480
Twizzles is pretty good. I'm also beef jerky jerk. Fucking jerk.
610
00:26:17.500 --> 00:26:18.440
Yeah, that was good.
611
00:26:18.480 --> 00:26:18.960
You're getting closer.
612
00:26:18.980 --> 00:26:19.299
Fucking jerk.
613
00:26:19.319 --> 00:26:22.619
You're getting closer. Fucking jerk. Hey, kids.
614
00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:23.200
Hey, kids.
615
00:26:23.220 --> 00:26:24.359
Happy birthday. Here's a fucking jerk.
616
00:26:25.589 --> 00:26:26.809
Hi, kids.
617
00:26:27.670 --> 00:26:27.990
Hey.
618
00:26:28.750 --> 00:26:30.029
Is that your face?
619
00:26:30.650 --> 00:26:32.869
Did you get hit in the face?
620
00:26:33.029 --> 00:26:33.730
Go get your.
621
00:26:33.650 --> 00:26:35.269
Shine box, you mutt.
622
00:26:35.309 --> 00:26:39.109
Go get your shine box. Are these the kids? No,
623
00:26:39.430 --> 00:26:40.049
I'm the.
624
00:26:39.859 --> 00:26:41.230
Clown talking to the kids.
625
00:26:41.319 --> 00:26:44.519
You thought the kids were saying, get your shine box.
626
00:26:44.579 --> 00:26:46.660
You mutt prick.
627
00:26:47.160 --> 00:26:48.000
Go screw.
628
00:26:48.160 --> 00:26:49.980
That's me as the.
629
00:26:50.920 --> 00:26:51.099
Clown.
630
00:26:51.140 --> 00:26:57.730
Fuck you, jerk. Hiya, kids. What a shitty party. Enjoy
631
00:26:57.750 --> 00:27:01.170
the cake. No one lives long. Your parents don't love
632
00:27:01.190 --> 00:27:04.339
each other. Can you do anything, clown?
633
00:27:04.420 --> 00:27:05.380
Balloon animals?
634
00:27:05.700 --> 00:27:10.160
No, screw you. No, it's not going to happen. I'm
635
00:27:10.200 --> 00:27:13.359
forming a union. I want a union. I'm a shop steward.
636
00:27:15.670 --> 00:27:19.069
I'm not leaving until I get $ 800 in cash. Your
637
00:27:19.089 --> 00:27:20.849
mother just looks pretty easy on the eyes.
638
00:27:20.869 --> 00:27:22.630
Oh, no.
639
00:27:23.130 --> 00:27:24.630
All right, Michael J., I'm a terrible person.
640
00:27:24.670 --> 00:27:27.930
Conan, your instincts are straight on, man. Again, you are
641
00:27:27.950 --> 00:27:28.450
correct again.
642
00:27:28.779 --> 00:27:31.960
Michael J., it was nice talking to you and continue
643
00:27:32.059 --> 00:27:32.839
doing your good work.
644
00:27:33.039 --> 00:27:33.319
Thanks.
645
00:27:33.539 --> 00:27:34.019
And you too.
646
00:27:34.700 --> 00:27:35.180
Thanks for having me.
647
00:27:35.180 --> 00:27:35.740
And I bow to you.
648
00:27:35.980 --> 00:27:38.019
Hey. Take care. Take care.
649
00:27:39.299 --> 00:27:43.240
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian,
650
00:27:43.460 --> 00:27:47.160
and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced
651
00:27:47.200 --> 00:27:50.529
by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco,
652
00:27:50.769 --> 00:27:54.369
and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song
653
00:27:54.390 --> 00:27:57.569
by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
654
00:27:57.890 --> 00:27:58.630
Take it away, Jimmy.
655
00:28:01.710 --> 00:28:04.720
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent
656
00:28:04.740 --> 00:28:09.220
producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production
657
00:28:09.240 --> 00:28:13.319
support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista,
658
00:28:13.579 --> 00:28:16.160
and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show
659
00:28:16.220 --> 00:28:18.859
on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read
660
00:28:18.980 --> 00:28:21.619
on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call
661
00:28:21.640 --> 00:28:26.579
the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.
662
00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:29.160
It too could be featured on a future episode. And
663
00:28:29.200 --> 00:28:31.980
if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs
664
00:28:32.019 --> 00:28:42.289
a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been
665
00:28:42.750 --> 00:28:46.549
a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.
666
00:28:59.109 --> 00:29:00.690
Good nights are about the people.
667
00:29:01.509 --> 00:29:01.990
The laughs.
668
00:29:02.509 --> 00:29:05.269
The real moments you don't want to miss. So why
669
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step outside? Velo tobacco-free nicotine pouches fit seamlessly into your night.
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Velo.
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You should not use this product if you do not
675
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already use nicotine.
676
00:29:25.859 --> 00:29:27.920
Not every day you meet an Irish legend.
677
00:29:27.940 --> 00:29:29.440
I know what you mean, Coo Collum.
678
00:29:29.660 --> 00:29:35.529
Leaping vast distances, holding off armies... Eating tons of fresh grass. What?
679
00:29:35.609 --> 00:29:38.700
Not you, or cows that's one of the reasons Irish
680
00:29:38.740 --> 00:29:41.640
milk is so good it's famous all
681
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:46.529
Over the world legendary Ireland's grass and our farmers commitment
682
00:29:46.630 --> 00:29:50.049
to more sustainable actions help make Irish dairy a true
683
00:29:50.250 --> 00:29:53.430
Irish legend always look for the National Dairy Council guarantee