Deon Cole Returns

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Hi, my name is Dion Cole and I feel... Amazing
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about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
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Well, I'm glad you say that. Yeah.
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Because we've known each other, I think it's been 50
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years since I first met you.
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I think I was three. I was three when we met.
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And they were like, what are you doing with that
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white stranger?
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Yeah.
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Who's that white lady there?
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Dion? Stay close, Dion!
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I don't want you wandering away!
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Fall is here, hear the yell Back to school, ring
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the bell Brand new shoes, walkin' loose.
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Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that
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we are gonna be friends.
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Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And
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I'm sorry, every time I say hey there and welcome
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to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Matt, you do a
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little look to Sona. You share this little look and
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you've been doing it for five years.
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Yeah. And it's making me angry.
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Do you want to know what it is?
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Yeah.
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I think we're looking at each other to see, are
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we going to laugh?
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Yeah.
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But what is it?
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What is it that's so funny about me saying, hey there?
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Well, because your voice drops and you get very kind
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of pseudo broadcaster.
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You go, hey there.
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I don't think it's that bad.
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No, I'm exaggerating for effect, but you do change your
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voice a little bit.
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I just.
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After the shenanigans.
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That's the thing. That's the part.
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It's after all these.
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You do a.
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Lot of things that are just bananas.
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You know what?
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I do a lot of weird stuff before we start rolling.
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Yes.
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And then I think that's it. It's the transition.
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Yes.
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Because I was just going on some crazy series of ticks, microaggressions.
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Yes. Throwing props around. And then all of a sudden
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it stops. And I go.
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Hey there.
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And that's why you look at each other.
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And there's also this feeling of like we're two kids
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in school trying not to laugh during class.
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Yeah.
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You know what I mean?
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Or in church.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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We got the church giggles.
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Did you, when you were in church growing up, you
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went to church regularly?
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No.
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No. So how do you... Yeah, it's like when you're
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in church. Oh, you went to church?
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I never did.
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I've heard of the church giggles.
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They wouldn't let her in.
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They'd be like, not you. No, I went for Easter.
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Yep.
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And then, you know, I'm Armenian. I went to like
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a wedding every weekend or a funeral.
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Right.
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Quickly, because I stopped, I didn't get to say, oh,
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and Sona's here and Matt's here, blah, blah, blah. And
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that's probably what I'm going to do from now on.
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But I'm interested in this because I'm thinking now about
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growing up.
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And going to St.
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Lawrence Church on Route 9 in Brookline with my family
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every Sunday. And when you're a kid, all I was
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trying to do was think of things that would make
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my brothers and sisters laugh.
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Oh, God.
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And what I realized was foolproof was to full-on commit
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to singing the songs. And what's great is you can't
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get in trouble for that.
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You know what I mean? You can't. It wasn't me
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like doing faces or anything like that. It was just.
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Me full on committing to whatever the song we were
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singing in. Hosanna here in the highest.
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And if anyone got, give me a look.
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It's like, Hey, what's wrong with you? I'm filled with
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the spirit of Christ. You can't get mad at me.
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It was foolproof.
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Yeah.
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I loved it.
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When you guys came to church, was even the priest like, Oh,
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The whole bright.
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Oh, my God. I'll tell you exactly what would happen.
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I will tell you. You know what I'll do? I'll
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tell you exactly what happened. OK, picture this.
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You know, mass is at, you know, 1030 in the morning, St.
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Lawrence Church, Route 9, Brookline Mass. It starts at 1030
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and the O'Briens. And remember, there's six of us, plus
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my parents, plus my grandmother at one point. So nine
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of us would come crashing in.
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Of course we're late. I think I've mentioned this before.
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I never saw the beginning of a movie because my
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father was, people who knew my dad used to call
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it O'Brien time, Dr.
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O'Brien time. We were late for everything. It was not
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the kids?
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It was your dad?
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No, it was not the kids.
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It was, you know, so we, anyway, we'd all get
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piled into this one goofy station wagon and we'd go
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up Route 9 and we would come in late. Now,
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if you come in late at a Catholic mass, and
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I'm thinking this goes for everything. I think if you
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came in late at temple, if you came, you know, whatever,
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whatever religion we're talking about, my.
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Guess is that you sort of stay in the back, right?
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Yeah, yeah.
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No, my father, he wanted to be up front.
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And so my father would be late and he would
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just start going and.
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Be like, let's just sit back here. There's a pew
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weight back here. And he'd make a face, a big smile.
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So no, and he'd be like, Follow me, follow me.
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And we had to follow him and he'd be going,
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he kept going and people were looking. And it's like,
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oh my God, here's the fucking O'Brien hillbillies. And my
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grandmother's with us going, oh Moses, oh Moses.
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And we're like making our way down. It's this crazy procession.
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And then he would take like third row from the
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front and push people over.
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And we'd all be like, dad, he's like, it's fine,
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it's fine, it's fine. And then of course, you know,
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I would, I would get it. And then the redheaded
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one starts singing obnoxiously.
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Yeah.
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And then the one that looks like a.
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Little Lucille ball with broken teeth would, would insist. I
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would insist on like, okay. Fucker, you had me sit
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two rows back when we're.
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20 minutes late. We're almost at the Eucharist, which is
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supposed to be two thirds of the way through.
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So I'd be like, Hosanna in the highest. Hosanna in
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the highest.
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And the, oh my God, they hated us. Oh my God.
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I would be like, if I worked at that church,
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I'd be like, just tell the O'Briens we're closed.
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You know what they should have done?
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They should have moved you like a disgraced priest to
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another parish.
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You know what they should have done?
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They should have just put like an ax handle through
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the door when church started. And my father would have
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been like shaking. You know, it would have been like
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The Graduate where Dustin Hoffman puts a thing through so
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that the parents can't get at him and they're just
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all smashing the door.
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Yeah.
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My dad would be like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
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He would crash through and then his head would stick in.
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Front row, please. First pew.
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Oh, my God.
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Oh, my God.
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Madness.
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This explains so much.
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I know. But I love him. Your family?
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No.
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Jesus?
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No.
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My friends in show business. But I love them. Your parents, right?
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Everyone in show business who can help me. My guest
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today is a hilarious comedian. I'm a huge fan of
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this gentleman. I've known him a long time. He was
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a writer for my show way back in the day
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and a performer as well.
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Sona, you've known him.
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I love Dion so much.
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Yeah, writer, actor.
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You know him from such shows as Black-ish, Angie Tribeca,
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and Grown-ish. And he's done so well. I mean, clearly
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I was holding him back. I'm so glad he ditched us.
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His latest comedy special, Dion Cole, OK Mister, is now
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available to stream on Netflix.
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And it's really funny. I'm just delighted he's here.
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Deon Cole, welcome. I am so happy you're here. You
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always make me really happy. From the first day I
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saw you do stand-up, years and years and years ago,
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and then you became a writer on our show, you always,
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always make me really happy.
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Man, thank you, man.
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You've just got that thing. And then I watch your special.
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Yes.
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And it's hilarious.
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Thank you, man.
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And by the way, just so I get this out,
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the special's called Deon Cole, Okay, Mister. It's on Netflix
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right now. You are so fucking funny.
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Thank you, man.
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And it's just a joy.
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And I also want you to hook me up. with
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those leather pants you're wearing. You know, I have one
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pair of leather pants and you know who gave it
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to me? Probably around the time, it would have been
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before you and I met each other, Andy Richter.
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Really?
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Gifted me a pair of like really nice leather pants
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once on my birthday and I put them on once
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and my wife said, you can never.
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Wait, why did Andy give you leather pants?
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I don't know, I think he just thought, I don't know,
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we'll see what happens.
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Because he wasn't wearing them anymore.
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Yeah.
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Andy had quit his job.
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At the club and he wasn't wearing them anymore.
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Of course you look amazing. Why can't I wear leather pants?
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You know why a lot of black comics wear leather pants. Why?
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When they do comedy specials, it's like a homage to
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Eddie Murphy.
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Yeah, that's true.
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Anytime you see a comic in leather, it's to Eddie Murphy.
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So yeah, that's why we wear them.
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The show that you did with me, the tour... way
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back in.
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2010, there was a part of the tour where we
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thought it'd be really funny if I wore an exact
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replica of Eddie Murphy's suit.
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And I don't know which one it was. It was raw.
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It was raw.
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I remember that.
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And it was this leather bodysuit.
257
00:10:33.659 --> 00:10:33.950
V-suit.
258
00:10:33.990 --> 00:10:34.399
V-suit.
259
00:10:34.419 --> 00:10:35.710
And I would come out and we made an exact
260
00:10:35.750 --> 00:10:38.850
replica and I would come out wearing this thing. And
261
00:10:38.870 --> 00:10:40.190
I remember one of the things about the tour is
262
00:10:40.269 --> 00:10:43.730
I burned about 35,000 calories a night on the tour
263
00:10:43.789 --> 00:10:46.379
and I was insane and I never slept. At the end,
264
00:10:46.799 --> 00:10:49.500
you can see it. It was skin tight when we
265
00:10:49.539 --> 00:10:53.009
got it. And at the end, it's hanging off my ass.
266
00:10:53.529 --> 00:10:57.029
I look like a snake that's halfway through shedding its skin.
267
00:10:57.090 --> 00:10:57.690
Oh, God.
268
00:10:58.370 --> 00:11:00.590
But we thought it'd be really funny if I dressed
269
00:11:00.649 --> 00:11:01.710
like that and came out.
270
00:11:01.730 --> 00:11:03.649
You look like Mystique from X-Men.
271
00:11:07.940 --> 00:11:09.679
Mid-transition.
272
00:11:09.720 --> 00:11:11.059
Mid-transition.
273
00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:14.200
It was a mistake. Let's just put it that way.
274
00:11:14.980 --> 00:11:17.919
It was a mistake. How have you been? How's life?
275
00:11:17.940 --> 00:11:21.259
Oh, I've been amazing, man. I can't complain. You know, just,
276
00:11:21.379 --> 00:11:24.139
you know, doing what I do and staying out of
277
00:11:24.179 --> 00:11:25.379
everybody's way, man.
278
00:11:25.580 --> 00:11:27.100
You know what I like?
279
00:11:27.179 --> 00:11:29.000
I'm just going to say there's a part in the
280
00:11:29.039 --> 00:11:32.610
special because your special is hilariously funny and you start
281
00:11:32.639 --> 00:11:34.950
a joke And then you stop and you go like, no, no, no, no,
282
00:11:34.970 --> 00:11:35.789
that could get me in trouble.
283
00:11:35.809 --> 00:11:36.820
I'm not going to do that. And you say.
284
00:11:37.350 --> 00:11:43.100
I don't want him to cancel my Old Spice contract.
285
00:11:44.049 --> 00:11:49.320
I was like, oh, okay. I love your thought process.
286
00:11:50.779 --> 00:11:54.460
You're taking care of business. You got to take care
287
00:11:54.480 --> 00:11:56.799
of business. You cannot fuck with Old Spice.
288
00:11:56.970 --> 00:11:58.970
I did not want to say the joke, man, because
289
00:11:59.029 --> 00:12:02.730
I was like, no, I'm going to get canceled for
290
00:12:02.750 --> 00:12:03.049
this one.
291
00:12:03.070 --> 00:12:04.909
So I was like, I'm not going to tell anybody.
292
00:12:07.820 --> 00:12:09.139
But I had it written down.
293
00:12:09.159 --> 00:12:11.679
I bet there's an Old Spice guy in a suit
294
00:12:11.700 --> 00:12:13.000
that follows you everywhere.
295
00:12:13.929 --> 00:12:16.129
And he's just waiting, right? And all he has to
296
00:12:16.149 --> 00:12:16.490
do is.
297
00:12:16.769 --> 00:12:19.750
He has to push one pre-programmed button on his phone
298
00:12:20.289 --> 00:12:20.870
and you're done.
299
00:12:21.090 --> 00:12:22.730
All I do is look that way and he just
300
00:12:22.769 --> 00:12:24.470
does this all the time.
301
00:12:24.730 --> 00:12:27.230
He does this and he does this. He's in the
302
00:12:27.269 --> 00:12:28.070
lobby right now.
303
00:12:28.090 --> 00:12:28.879
Is it Terry Crews?
304
00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:30.629
Is he following you around?
305
00:12:30.769 --> 00:12:31.720
It's Terry Crews.
306
00:12:32.259 --> 00:12:35.960
I did not want to say it, but it's Terry Crews.
307
00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:37.620
Terry Crews follows me everywhere.
308
00:12:37.740 --> 00:12:40.799
Following you around.
309
00:12:40.840 --> 00:12:41.879
That's hilarious.
310
00:12:41.899 --> 00:12:42.419
You know.
311
00:12:43.870 --> 00:12:47.669
It's so funny because I've also seen you, you have
312
00:12:47.929 --> 00:12:51.240
evolved as a comic, not that you needed to because
313
00:12:51.250 --> 00:12:54.620
you were always super funny, but I was so impressed
314
00:12:54.639 --> 00:12:57.519
with the way you.
315
00:12:56.379 --> 00:12:59.940
Walk out in front of an audience. There's nothing needy
316
00:13:00.299 --> 00:13:00.820
about you.
317
00:13:00.899 --> 00:13:04.139
You come out and you look at the crowd and
318
00:13:04.179 --> 00:13:07.360
you say, okay, let's just get started. And then you
319
00:13:07.399 --> 00:13:11.039
proceed to be hilariously funny and I'm watching you and
320
00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:15.679
you barely move. I mean, I'm contrasting you with someone
321
00:13:15.720 --> 00:13:21.659
else I know say, me, who's everywhere trying to connect
322
00:13:21.679 --> 00:13:23.580
to everyone and make.
323
00:13:23.500 --> 00:13:24.980
Sure everybody's happy.
324
00:13:26.320 --> 00:13:29.879
And you are this matador that's just like standing there.
325
00:13:31.799 --> 00:13:36.879
And I think you have very funny material and great observations,
326
00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:40.889
but Your face, you do so much with your face
327
00:13:40.909 --> 00:13:45.240
that it is so funny because you can look very fierce.
328
00:13:46.500 --> 00:13:49.019
And you can be very, very, I don't want to
329
00:13:49.100 --> 00:13:53.519
say like alpha serious, deadly serious, and then you can
330
00:13:53.639 --> 00:13:57.080
switch to complete goofball for five.
331
00:13:56.899 --> 00:13:59.769
Seconds if it's necessary. But it's really fun to watch.
332
00:13:59.809 --> 00:14:01.690
Absolutely, man. It's just, you know.
333
00:14:03.789 --> 00:14:06.549
I never really, really even noticed that until other people
334
00:14:06.570 --> 00:14:09.330
were saying that they were like, you don't move. And I,
335
00:14:09.409 --> 00:14:11.570
and I went, cause I used to move back and forth.
336
00:14:11.629 --> 00:14:14.789
And then I just found this groove where I was like,
337
00:14:14.850 --> 00:14:18.720
if I just stand here and just try to control
338
00:14:18.750 --> 00:14:21.799
the room from this one point, maybe it'll feel different.
339
00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:24.980
Maybe it'll connect different with people, you know? And, uh,
340
00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:28.840
I learned that silence is just as good as laughter.
341
00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:32.779
And so I looked for that, you know, and, uh,
342
00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:36.639
I can't say, man. And I just had a conversation
343
00:14:36.700 --> 00:14:39.000
about you maybe about a month ago, but I was just.
344
00:14:39.110 --> 00:14:45.450
With the police. Yeah. Yes, officer. He's a terrible man.
345
00:14:45.529 --> 00:14:49.529
This is why I think this way. Do you know Conan?
346
00:14:49.809 --> 00:14:50.080
Yeah.
347
00:14:50.379 --> 00:14:51.230
This is why I.
348
00:14:51.649 --> 00:14:53.840
Sold these things. Six foot four, ladies.
349
00:14:53.860 --> 00:14:57.019
Yes, yes. He told me the world is mine, and
350
00:14:57.179 --> 00:15:01.019
I decided to take everything that I saw. No, no,
351
00:15:01.139 --> 00:15:04.460
but like a month ago, I was having.
352
00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:07.240
And even just recently, we were talking.
353
00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:12.029
Somebody was talking about Adam Sandler's new special, right?
354
00:15:12.330 --> 00:15:14.389
And they were just talking about, like, people were talking
355
00:15:14.409 --> 00:15:15.629
about how they hated it.
356
00:15:15.649 --> 00:15:19.169
And then, to me, I was like, it's classic Adam Sandler. Like,
357
00:15:19.230 --> 00:15:21.269
if you love Adam, you're going to love his stuff
358
00:15:21.330 --> 00:15:25.759
or whatever, you know? And I said, you know what?
359
00:15:25.840 --> 00:15:28.399
I said, with the stuff that was breaking in there
360
00:15:28.639 --> 00:15:30.700
and falling apart, I instantly was.
361
00:15:30.620 --> 00:15:32.139
Like, man, I wonder if it was out of, like,
362
00:15:32.200 --> 00:15:33.259
a homage to Conan.
363
00:15:33.720 --> 00:15:33.860
Mm-hmm.
364
00:15:34.289 --> 00:15:35.690
I just honestly did.
365
00:15:35.769 --> 00:15:38.460
I said, I think he's doing that because he's paying
366
00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:39.529
homage to Conan.
367
00:15:39.769 --> 00:15:43.679
Because Conan, that's Conan 101. It's special. I just, I
368
00:15:43.720 --> 00:15:44.169
saw it.
369
00:15:44.220 --> 00:15:46.620
I honestly don't know what Conan 101 is.
370
00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:47.580
Conan 101.
371
00:15:47.580 --> 00:15:49.059
Conan is a mystery to me.
372
00:15:49.139 --> 00:15:53.659
Conan 101 to me is when writing, you write a
373
00:15:53.700 --> 00:15:58.259
bit and then you destroy the bit. And destroying the
374
00:15:58.299 --> 00:15:59.960
bit is just as funny as writing a bit.
375
00:16:00.519 --> 00:16:02.679
And that's what he did. You know what I mean?
376
00:16:03.179 --> 00:16:05.539
He was like breaking down. And I said, man, this
377
00:16:05.620 --> 00:16:07.809
is great. If this is a homage to Conan, it
378
00:16:07.870 --> 00:16:09.830
has to be. Did he ever say that?
379
00:16:10.029 --> 00:16:11.350
No, I want my money now.
380
00:16:11.309 --> 00:16:14.529
Because that guy's got a lot of money and he
381
00:16:14.549 --> 00:16:16.850
lives like two streets over from me.
382
00:16:16.970 --> 00:16:17.669
I know where he lives.
383
00:16:18.710 --> 00:16:19.629
He's a great guy.
384
00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:20.500
He's an amazing guy.
385
00:16:20.509 --> 00:16:22.480
He's an amazing guy. But I just was like, man,
386
00:16:22.519 --> 00:16:23.259
that's so dope.
387
00:16:23.320 --> 00:16:25.039
And I was like, and then we just started going
388
00:16:25.059 --> 00:16:27.820
down this rabbit hole of your type of comedy.
389
00:16:27.940 --> 00:16:28.879
And then, yeah.
390
00:16:28.940 --> 00:16:31.539
Well, you know, one of the things that always made me, well,
391
00:16:31.559 --> 00:16:33.750
that's nice of you to say. I just, one of
392
00:16:33.769 --> 00:16:34.990
the things, the first thing I saw.
393
00:16:34.850 --> 00:16:35.429
You do.
394
00:16:37.090 --> 00:16:38.389
When I didn't know who you were and you came
395
00:16:38.450 --> 00:16:41.340
on my show and, this is a long time ago,
396
00:16:41.379 --> 00:16:42.559
but you came on my show when you.
397
00:16:42.519 --> 00:16:45.360
Were in Unknown and you.
398
00:16:45.480 --> 00:16:48.019
Told some, you started telling jokes and then you took
399
00:16:48.090 --> 00:16:49.450
out a little piece of paper and you had a
400
00:16:49.470 --> 00:16:51.950
pen and it's become such a staple of your thing.
401
00:16:51.970 --> 00:16:54.029
And it's so funny because on your new special, you
402
00:16:54.049 --> 00:16:55.450
don't do it at all and you don't need to
403
00:16:55.490 --> 00:17:01.090
do it, but people love it. But I always loved
404
00:17:01.450 --> 00:17:05.809
that you stepped outside yourself because you can kill doing
405
00:17:05.849 --> 00:17:08.690
it the conventional way And then you had this thing
406
00:17:08.710 --> 00:17:10.230
where you take out a little piece of paper and
407
00:17:10.250 --> 00:17:12.069
you tell a joke and you kind of look at
408
00:17:12.089 --> 00:17:16.019
the crowd and then you write something. And sometimes if
409
00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:17.920
a joke didn't work, you could see you take out
410
00:17:17.940 --> 00:17:20.759
the little piece of paper and maybe it's very subtle.
411
00:17:21.039 --> 00:17:23.819
It kind of looks like you're scratching it out, but
412
00:17:23.859 --> 00:17:24.519
maybe you're not.
413
00:17:25.140 --> 00:17:30.170
No, I think it's, I always thought not being funny
414
00:17:30.230 --> 00:17:34.410
is funny because it's hilarious to see people bomb. You know,
415
00:17:34.470 --> 00:17:35.910
I'd be in the back of the room cracking up.
416
00:17:36.329 --> 00:17:38.849
But and I know you think I want you thinking
417
00:17:38.869 --> 00:17:41.170
I'm just saying this because we're here. But I mean,
418
00:17:41.210 --> 00:17:44.220
working with you solidified the way that I thought in
419
00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:47.299
the get go, which was it ain't how you laugh
420
00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:48.359
is you laughing.
421
00:17:48.619 --> 00:17:50.619
Yeah. You know, and I think a lot of people get.
422
00:17:50.519 --> 00:17:54.390
Caught up in how you laugh when it's like, no,
423
00:17:54.470 --> 00:17:55.670
if you laugh, I want.
424
00:17:55.910 --> 00:17:56.849
Yeah.
425
00:17:57.049 --> 00:17:59.930
And that's the approach that I take with everything now.
426
00:17:59.950 --> 00:18:02.890
It's just you just like sent me to another realm
427
00:18:02.930 --> 00:18:04.630
with it where I was like, I was thinking this.
428
00:18:05.200 --> 00:18:07.980
But I wasn't sure about it. But then when we
429
00:18:08.059 --> 00:18:10.380
rocked for years, it was like, oh, yeah, this is
430
00:18:10.559 --> 00:18:13.119
exactly how I think and this is how I feel.
431
00:18:13.539 --> 00:18:16.200
And it went on to me doing other projects that
432
00:18:16.220 --> 00:18:16.900
were similar to that.
433
00:18:16.920 --> 00:18:18.170
Like, I mean, right.
434
00:18:18.069 --> 00:18:22.190
After I left the show, I did Angie Tribeca with
435
00:18:22.230 --> 00:18:27.549
Steve Carell. And Steve Carell from the show was like, yeah, like,
436
00:18:28.430 --> 00:18:29.150
you can do this.
437
00:18:29.210 --> 00:18:32.589
You can pull this off or whatever. And so... on
438
00:18:32.609 --> 00:18:34.549
your show, you learn so much.
439
00:18:34.390 --> 00:18:37.369
That I still take to me, take with me to
440
00:18:37.410 --> 00:18:39.970
this day and, and, and got jobs from it, from
441
00:18:40.019 --> 00:18:41.799
just thinking with that mindset.
442
00:18:42.200 --> 00:18:45.440
Well, what's really funny is, uh, I think about you
443
00:18:45.500 --> 00:18:50.420
now because, uh, you, as I said, the, the standup
444
00:18:50.460 --> 00:18:54.880
specials hilarious, and you, uh, have shown how funny you
445
00:18:54.960 --> 00:18:56.819
are in so many different ways. And now you're doing
446
00:18:57.359 --> 00:19:01.319
dramatic roles. And I, uh, I love that.
447
00:19:01.539 --> 00:19:03.440
I love that you're saying, no, I'm going to try that.
448
00:19:03.559 --> 00:19:05.259
I'm going to do that. I'm in the color purple.
449
00:19:05.359 --> 00:19:11.289
And you play a very badass fucker in the color purple.
450
00:19:11.369 --> 00:19:14.970
I'm going to tell you a story about that. They
451
00:19:15.009 --> 00:19:15.910
called me and it was like.
452
00:19:17.319 --> 00:19:20.509
Well, long story short, I was like, yeah, they want
453
00:19:20.549 --> 00:19:22.509
you to be a part of this movie, The Color Purple.
454
00:19:22.549 --> 00:19:23.970
And I was like, oh, that's great.
455
00:19:23.990 --> 00:19:28.869
And they was like, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, Quincy Jones,
456
00:19:28.890 --> 00:19:31.539
they're producing it. And I'm like, this is fantastic. And
457
00:19:31.559 --> 00:19:33.559
I'm thinking to myself, who would they want me to play?
458
00:19:33.599 --> 00:19:37.799
Because Harpo, Harpo's the funny guy in the movie. I'm like,
459
00:19:37.980 --> 00:19:40.039
I got to be Harpo, right? And then I was like, no,
460
00:19:40.079 --> 00:19:40.539
we want you.
461
00:19:40.460 --> 00:19:41.240
To be the father.
462
00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:43.829
And I was like, that's the father. And I was like, Mr.,
463
00:19:43.849 --> 00:19:46.329
the guy she married? They was like, no, the father.
464
00:19:46.369 --> 00:19:49.589
And I was like, the father? And in the original movie,
465
00:19:49.609 --> 00:19:53.420
the father is a pedophile. He touches the girl. So
466
00:19:53.500 --> 00:19:56.400
I was like, the pedophile you want me to be?
467
00:19:56.480 --> 00:19:57.940
And they was like, yeah, we think you can.
468
00:19:57.960 --> 00:19:59.180
Yeah, the minute we saw you.
469
00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:00.140
The minute.
470
00:20:00.180 --> 00:20:02.420
The minute we saw you.
471
00:20:02.440 --> 00:20:04.400
We think you can.
472
00:20:05.039 --> 00:20:06.900
We believe in you to pull this off.
473
00:20:07.019 --> 00:20:08.839
Wait, are you not actually a pedophile?
474
00:20:11.079 --> 00:20:12.380
Everyone thinks I am.
475
00:20:12.460 --> 00:20:14.720
You're a great actor. That's the problem, yes.
476
00:20:14.900 --> 00:20:16.559
Everyone thinks I'm a pedophile.
477
00:20:16.579 --> 00:20:18.380
Every time, your whole life.
478
00:20:18.440 --> 00:20:21.720
No, his whole life, Dion's been walking into casting calls,
479
00:20:21.839 --> 00:20:23.529
and they're like, pedophile!
480
00:20:24.269 --> 00:20:25.289
Fantastic!
481
00:20:25.829 --> 00:20:34.150
Unfortunately, we're casting for Harry Potter. But when we got
482
00:20:34.349 --> 00:20:38.049
one for you, we're calling you, Dion.
483
00:20:38.490 --> 00:20:41.630
When I was five, I was a pedophile.
484
00:20:41.910 --> 00:20:44.200
At five, they was like, oh, he's.
485
00:20:44.059 --> 00:20:46.380
Going to be an amazing pedophile when he gets older.
486
00:20:46.400 --> 00:20:48.420
It's really hard to be a pedophile at five.
487
00:20:48.660 --> 00:20:51.460
It's really hard to be a pedophile at five.
488
00:20:51.480 --> 00:20:54.359
Definitionally impossible, I think.
489
00:20:54.519 --> 00:20:55.460
Oh, no, no, no.
490
00:20:55.500 --> 00:20:58.049
You haven't met me. You haven't met me.
491
00:20:58.069 --> 00:20:58.650
The master.
492
00:20:58.670 --> 00:20:59.609
You haven't met me.
493
00:21:00.890 --> 00:21:04.549
So wait, so they tell you this and you're thinking,
494
00:21:04.769 --> 00:21:06.329
you got to be thinking clearly.
495
00:21:06.349 --> 00:21:09.170
You were thinking, I got to do this.
496
00:21:09.650 --> 00:21:12.680
At first I was like, no. And then I was like,
497
00:21:12.740 --> 00:21:13.319
wait a minute.
498
00:21:13.380 --> 00:21:15.640
And I was thinking and I was like, man, this
499
00:21:15.680 --> 00:21:20.680
would be another part of a reel to show me different.
500
00:21:21.299 --> 00:21:23.700
Show me doing some different stuff and showing some range.
501
00:21:23.769 --> 00:21:26.170
And I just was like, all right, fine, cool.
502
00:21:26.269 --> 00:21:26.410
Yeah.
503
00:21:27.700 --> 00:21:30.809
I just start doing some things.
504
00:21:32.210 --> 00:21:33.470
No, no, no.
505
00:21:33.890 --> 00:21:35.470
It's not like when someone is going to play a
506
00:21:35.529 --> 00:21:36.880
cop and they do a ride around.
507
00:21:36.900 --> 00:21:37.380
No, no, you don't just.
508
00:21:43.599 --> 00:21:44.920
Well, I guess I gotta.
509
00:21:44.980 --> 00:21:45.440
No!
510
00:21:45.779 --> 00:21:51.039
No! You don't know. Just read the words. Oh, boy.
511
00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:54.019
I was going to say, I got to watch the
512
00:21:54.099 --> 00:21:55.240
old movie. Yeah.
513
00:21:56.349 --> 00:21:57.480
That's good. Okay, good.
514
00:22:10.920 --> 00:22:13.400
O Dé León, an táin na lós fíthad mán fórg
515
00:22:13.440 --> 00:22:16.809
dí an dáriláir daig náilig, dúar títim na nílóg. Báith
516
00:22:16.970 --> 00:22:20.089
athraitha ar hérfí sí búic ráin a mádina agus trinóna,
517
00:22:20.390 --> 00:22:23.470
agus imoí ráint sérfí sí ní slúitha nó maras gnóch.
518
00:22:23.849 --> 00:22:26.410
Seacall ám an a tashlil ar app Éireann Róid Éireann
519
00:22:26.650 --> 00:22:30.630
núir irishrail.ie. Tá Éireann Róid Éireann márchid da'n línra tía fai.
520
00:22:38.900 --> 00:22:40.480
Good nights are about the people.
521
00:22:41.319 --> 00:22:41.779
The laughs.
522
00:22:42.299 --> 00:22:45.059
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526
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528
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529
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537
00:23:42.089 --> 00:23:46.269
You're a convincingly bad guy. You did a good job.
538
00:23:46.529 --> 00:23:47.289
You did a good job.
539
00:23:47.349 --> 00:23:50.549
And I know that, I mean, to me, it's at
540
00:23:50.609 --> 00:23:54.559
this stage in a career, you've got to push yourself
541
00:23:54.630 --> 00:23:55.640
out of your comfort zone.
542
00:23:55.660 --> 00:23:58.579
You got to do things. We know what you can do.
543
00:23:58.759 --> 00:24:02.180
And then it's just take these roles that, and especially
544
00:24:02.240 --> 00:24:05.690
if you've got people like, Oprah and Spielberg and Quincy Jones.
545
00:24:05.710 --> 00:24:08.730
It's like, yeah, okay. I'm going to give this a shot.
546
00:24:08.789 --> 00:24:12.289
You have to. You have to, like... I feel like
547
00:24:12.349 --> 00:24:15.839
if you're comfortable, you're not elevating. So that means that
548
00:24:15.900 --> 00:24:19.259
you're content. You're content with wherever you're at. And I
549
00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:22.539
feel like you just have to try different things. I
550
00:24:22.559 --> 00:24:24.160
might be one hell of a golfer.
551
00:24:24.440 --> 00:24:28.920
I just... You know, I might be the best. I
552
00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:29.789
might be.
553
00:24:29.849 --> 00:24:35.579
I might be the best motherfucker out there. I just
554
00:24:35.599 --> 00:24:38.339
got to go golf to go see them.
555
00:24:38.759 --> 00:24:40.839
Great that the first time you tried it, you were
556
00:24:40.880 --> 00:24:43.309
the best. In the world.
557
00:24:43.390 --> 00:24:44.029
In the world.
558
00:24:45.029 --> 00:24:46.369
It's just so amazing.
559
00:24:47.809 --> 00:24:50.170
I used to golf all the time, and then I just,
560
00:24:50.230 --> 00:24:50.569
you know.
561
00:24:50.710 --> 00:24:52.880
But my thing is, yo, you just have to try
562
00:24:52.940 --> 00:24:56.559
these things, man, and see what you can and can't do.
563
00:24:57.460 --> 00:25:00.589
I would never be a stand-up if I didn't try it.
564
00:25:00.589 --> 00:25:01.450
You know what I mean?
565
00:25:01.470 --> 00:25:04.529
It's like you have to, especially if it's something telling
566
00:25:04.569 --> 00:25:05.390
you that you can do it.
567
00:25:05.390 --> 00:25:09.190
You know what's crazy to me is I know your story,
568
00:25:09.210 --> 00:25:12.710
I think, pretty well. And one thing I can identify
569
00:25:12.769 --> 00:25:16.509
with is you were a late bloomer in comedy. I
570
00:25:16.869 --> 00:25:20.650
always felt I was too in some ways. I was
571
00:25:20.730 --> 00:25:23.549
funny with my friends. A lot of people thought I
572
00:25:23.589 --> 00:25:26.619
was a pretty serious person. And I was, I was
573
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:28.970
a very serious person because I knew I wanted to
574
00:25:29.049 --> 00:25:32.549
achieve something, but I wasn't the class clown, I wasn't
575
00:25:32.589 --> 00:25:37.109
goofing around. And it took you a while to figure
576
00:25:37.369 --> 00:25:41.950
out that comedy was something that you could do, right?
577
00:25:41.990 --> 00:25:44.589
Yeah, because I felt the same way.
578
00:25:44.650 --> 00:25:47.430
I felt like I'm not hitting myself in the face
579
00:25:47.450 --> 00:25:51.230
with pies, so how can I be funny? I'm not
580
00:25:51.250 --> 00:25:55.460
slipping on banana peels and shit, so... I'm not funny,
581
00:25:56.240 --> 00:26:00.680
but you begin to learn that your perspective, if your
582
00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:03.079
perspective is different, it could be funny, you know? And
583
00:26:03.119 --> 00:26:06.680
then you start looking at people like, what's my man's name?
584
00:26:06.720 --> 00:26:08.609
Mitch Hedberg.
585
00:26:08.640 --> 00:26:09.140
Mitch Hedberg.
586
00:26:09.160 --> 00:26:11.710
Mitch Hedberg. And you start looking at George Garland.
587
00:26:11.730 --> 00:26:13.849
You start looking at these people and you're going, oh,
588
00:26:15.109 --> 00:26:17.670
they're not hitting themselves in the face with pies.
589
00:26:17.710 --> 00:26:21.049
Right, right. They're just talking and they have a perspective.
590
00:26:21.089 --> 00:26:24.049
And it was like, ah, okay, well, maybe I can
591
00:26:24.089 --> 00:26:26.269
do that. And boom.
592
00:26:26.430 --> 00:26:28.069
You must have had friends telling you.
593
00:26:28.470 --> 00:26:32.910
Nobody. Really? This is what my friends used to say. Nigga,
594
00:26:32.930 --> 00:26:35.430
you crazy. That was it. That's all I got my
595
00:26:35.450 --> 00:26:35.819
whole life.
596
00:26:35.839 --> 00:26:37.049
That's what my friends used to say to me.
597
00:26:37.059 --> 00:26:39.099
They used to say to you too?
598
00:26:39.119 --> 00:26:43.240
Yeah. That's my whole life. There's only one reason I
599
00:26:43.279 --> 00:26:44.299
don't say that to you.
600
00:26:44.599 --> 00:26:44.980
What's that?
601
00:26:45.400 --> 00:26:47.099
It's something about one of the words.
602
00:26:47.359 --> 00:26:47.640
Okay.
603
00:26:48.019 --> 00:26:50.359
I just think the word crazy is a little... It's tough.
604
00:26:50.599 --> 00:26:51.720
It's a tough word.
605
00:26:51.740 --> 00:26:53.259
Crazy is.
606
00:26:53.299 --> 00:26:53.420
But.
607
00:26:56.420 --> 00:27:00.740
Nobody said, nobody was like, you are hilarious. I never
608
00:27:00.799 --> 00:27:01.240
got that.
609
00:27:01.349 --> 00:27:03.470
It was just always be like, and one day my
610
00:27:03.509 --> 00:27:06.089
friend was just like, dude, you should do stand-up. And
611
00:27:06.130 --> 00:27:09.089
he was like, man, I give you 50 dollars if
612
00:27:09.109 --> 00:27:11.490
you do it. And I was just like, all right.
613
00:27:12.759 --> 00:27:15.859
That was it. Yeah, but it wasn't me. It wasn't
614
00:27:15.880 --> 00:27:18.900
me sitting back like, yeah, I'm about to do stand-up.
615
00:27:19.119 --> 00:27:19.339
Like.
616
00:27:20.589 --> 00:27:22.670
Like it wasn't me going, I'm going to be the
617
00:27:22.730 --> 00:27:27.049
best pedophile ever. It wasn't me again. It wasn't me again.
618
00:27:27.069 --> 00:27:29.930
That's what I'm saying. I'm not choosing my life, Conan.
619
00:27:30.170 --> 00:27:30.349
No.
620
00:27:30.890 --> 00:27:33.720
Life chooses you. Life chooses you. Life chooses you.
621
00:27:33.750 --> 00:27:35.049
And that's all that I'm saying.
622
00:27:35.329 --> 00:27:36.450
Heart wants what it wants.
623
00:27:36.470 --> 00:27:37.589
I'm just here for the choosing.
624
00:27:37.670 --> 00:27:37.869
Yeah.
625
00:27:38.430 --> 00:27:41.170
I'm here for the choosing.
626
00:27:41.190 --> 00:27:43.380
So I'm watching your special and I'm laughing really hard
627
00:27:43.440 --> 00:27:46.640
and you have so much great material about being single and,
628
00:27:49.200 --> 00:27:55.369
you know, having relationships with different women. And I'm watching
629
00:27:55.390 --> 00:27:56.289
and I'm like- You just.
630
00:27:56.210 --> 00:27:59.970
Say it normally. It makes you so uncomfortable.
631
00:27:59.990 --> 00:28:03.349
Did you guys know I became an ordained Lutheran minister
632
00:28:03.430 --> 00:28:04.009
over the weekend?
633
00:28:04.450 --> 00:28:05.910
Anyway, yeah, finally.
634
00:28:06.309 --> 00:28:08.410
No, but I'm like, I'm watching it and I'm laughing
635
00:28:08.450 --> 00:28:11.750
really hard. And I always think when I'm watching someone,
636
00:28:12.029 --> 00:28:15.470
you know, it's natural to think this person's talking about
637
00:28:15.509 --> 00:28:19.589
this life and this is so funny. And then I'm realizing, huh,
638
00:28:20.069 --> 00:28:23.390
I don't do any comedy about this. I wonder why.
639
00:28:23.410 --> 00:28:31.259
And I'm like, oh, right. I've been married for 22 years.
640
00:28:33.119 --> 00:28:33.900
I go home.
641
00:28:33.920 --> 00:28:37.400
We eat some broiled chicken.
642
00:28:40.200 --> 00:28:43.160
And then we watch some foreign.
643
00:28:42.700 --> 00:28:46.029
Television show that was made in Norway.
644
00:28:46.069 --> 00:28:49.670
But not French. Not French. That gets a little too heated.
645
00:28:51.390 --> 00:28:53.940
And then we arranged the curtain that separates us in
646
00:28:54.000 --> 00:29:03.519
our double bed. But your comedy is so much draws
647
00:29:03.680 --> 00:29:07.450
on your personal life and these experiences. And it's so funny.
648
00:29:07.549 --> 00:29:10.470
And your observations are so funny. And I'm like, I'm
649
00:29:10.509 --> 00:29:12.670
just living vicariously through you.
650
00:29:12.849 --> 00:29:15.000
Because....
651
00:29:14.829 --> 00:29:16.450
And then I'm thinking it would be really funny if
652
00:29:16.519 --> 00:29:18.759
I went out and I did a special about me
653
00:29:19.200 --> 00:29:21.359
and I talked about all that stuff and it.
654
00:29:21.380 --> 00:29:22.740
Was complete bullshit.
655
00:29:22.779 --> 00:29:23.420
Yeah.
656
00:29:23.460 --> 00:29:24.619
Do you know what I mean?
657
00:29:24.880 --> 00:29:29.240
Basically, if I had Dion write it for me, and
658
00:29:29.319 --> 00:29:34.400
it's me just going out there saying, here's another thing.
659
00:29:34.400 --> 00:29:38.329
Remember, we used to do that with Brian Kiley.
660
00:29:38.329 --> 00:29:39.859
Yeah, Brian Kiley.
661
00:29:39.859 --> 00:29:43.759
I used to send him out there with something I wrote.
662
00:29:43.859 --> 00:29:44.700
Yeah.
663
00:29:44.720 --> 00:29:45.799
He would say that stuff.
664
00:29:45.900 --> 00:29:46.359
Yeah.
665
00:29:46.740 --> 00:29:52.480
No, but here's the thing, though. But it's beautiful. It's beautiful.
666
00:29:52.500 --> 00:29:56.140
That was the beauty of our dynamic was that these
667
00:29:56.220 --> 00:29:57.519
two worlds collided.
668
00:29:57.539 --> 00:29:57.980
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
669
00:29:58.059 --> 00:30:04.119
And they collided and it was just unrelentless funniness that
670
00:30:04.180 --> 00:30:04.730
went on.
671
00:30:04.750 --> 00:30:04.829
Yeah.
672
00:30:05.920 --> 00:30:08.539
I think, what is that one video? Remember when I
673
00:30:08.559 --> 00:30:10.460
took you to that soul food restaurant?
674
00:30:10.480 --> 00:30:15.539
Yes. I love that remote. I love that remote.
675
00:30:15.640 --> 00:30:17.099
It's just the two of you talking.
676
00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:18.559
But it's so funny.
677
00:30:18.660 --> 00:30:21.900
It's so funny. Like, it was pure. Yeah.
678
00:30:22.529 --> 00:30:25.750
It's the pureness of that, you know? I came to
679
00:30:25.789 --> 00:30:28.250
work with some food in a Cool Whip bowl.
680
00:30:28.730 --> 00:30:32.130
And it's like, what's that?
681
00:30:32.150 --> 00:30:34.730
And I'm like, soul food, you know? I was like,
682
00:30:35.089 --> 00:30:37.150
Conan ain't never had soul food. I'm like, he ain't
683
00:30:37.190 --> 00:30:40.609
never had soul food. Shit, let's go get some soul food.
684
00:30:40.630 --> 00:30:41.130
Let's go.
685
00:30:41.609 --> 00:30:44.170
And Mike Sweeney's like, yo, let's do it.
686
00:30:44.410 --> 00:30:45.049
Let's do it.
687
00:30:45.769 --> 00:30:48.890
And kaboom. You know what I mean? It's just the
688
00:30:49.089 --> 00:30:54.039
pureness of that. So your world... and my world colliding
689
00:30:54.079 --> 00:30:56.220
was always just the best.
690
00:30:56.460 --> 00:30:59.319
Well, I think one of the things that is, I
691
00:30:59.380 --> 00:31:05.670
think it's funny cause we come obviously from completely different places, but, um,
692
00:31:06.289 --> 00:31:11.849
we both find similar things really funny. And, uh, that's
693
00:31:12.210 --> 00:31:13.690
my favorite way to connect with people.
694
00:31:13.839 --> 00:31:16.539
The fish out of water beauty. And, and, And it
695
00:31:16.559 --> 00:31:18.900
wasn't just happening just on stage. It was just like
696
00:31:18.920 --> 00:31:21.289
in real life, too. That was just fun, you know?
697
00:31:21.309 --> 00:31:23.750
I mean, one day he came to work, and there
698
00:31:23.769 --> 00:31:26.670
was a Bentley in his parking space. And he was like,
699
00:31:27.549 --> 00:31:29.269
who the fuck has a Bentley?
700
00:31:29.789 --> 00:31:36.789
That works for me. I'm looking out the window. Hey,
701
00:31:36.809 --> 00:31:37.759
get away from my Bentley.
702
00:31:39.599 --> 00:31:40.099
Hey, lady.
703
00:31:40.160 --> 00:31:40.940
I just got it.
704
00:31:40.960 --> 00:31:44.380
Hey, lady, get away from that Bentley. I just watched
705
00:31:44.400 --> 00:31:46.500
that motherfucker.
706
00:31:46.660 --> 00:31:48.380
I remember that so well.
707
00:31:48.400 --> 00:31:48.839
Oh my God.
708
00:31:48.880 --> 00:31:50.220
I remember that so well.
709
00:31:50.789 --> 00:31:53.970
Looking out the window, Andy Richter doesn't have a Bentley.
710
00:31:55.529 --> 00:31:58.589
He's driving a Volkswagen Fink.
711
00:31:59.730 --> 00:32:01.160
From 1975. Wearing leather pants.
712
00:32:01.240 --> 00:32:04.599
Yeah, leather pants.
713
00:32:04.640 --> 00:32:08.109
Just about to give them away. Man, these things stink.
714
00:32:09.089 --> 00:32:11.109
I know, Conan's birthday's coming up.
715
00:32:11.910 --> 00:32:12.970
Let's give them to Conan.
716
00:32:13.009 --> 00:32:15.490
I can get these cleaned or I can wrap it up.
717
00:32:16.440 --> 00:32:17.000
in a J.
718
00:32:17.039 --> 00:32:18.720
Crew box and give them to Conan.
719
00:32:19.740 --> 00:32:25.059
He's stupid enough, he'll wear them. You know what's crazy.
720
00:32:24.799 --> 00:32:27.579
To me is- It was so funny, man.
721
00:32:28.180 --> 00:32:32.980
We talk about these differences, obviously, me, crazy, too white,
722
00:32:33.180 --> 00:32:38.369
sickly white, Irish Catholic from Boston, Mass. You from Southside, Chicago.
723
00:32:38.529 --> 00:32:42.230
And there are differences between, I'm always amazed by this,
724
00:32:42.789 --> 00:32:45.190
humans will always find a way to have an attitude
725
00:32:45.829 --> 00:32:48.970
about someone else, even if it's, you're on the south
726
00:32:48.990 --> 00:32:52.069
side of Chicago and you say there's like a chasm
727
00:32:52.210 --> 00:32:53.789
between the south side and the north side.
728
00:32:54.410 --> 00:32:55.849
And I'm wondering, what's that all about?
729
00:32:55.869 --> 00:32:57.890
Man, I have no idea, man.
730
00:32:57.970 --> 00:33:01.079
It's just Chicago is one of the most segregated cities,
731
00:33:01.119 --> 00:33:05.940
still is to this day. The Irish is Irish on
732
00:33:05.980 --> 00:33:10.640
their side, the Hispanics on their side. Asians, and it's
733
00:33:10.859 --> 00:33:13.190
really bizarre when you go to Chicago right now.
734
00:33:13.230 --> 00:33:14.930
You go, why is it still like this?
735
00:33:15.009 --> 00:33:17.849
But it really is, and it's always been that way.
736
00:33:18.190 --> 00:33:21.890
But with stand-up in Chicago, I just never wanted to
737
00:33:21.950 --> 00:33:24.369
stay on the South Side. I just always wanted to
738
00:33:24.450 --> 00:33:27.660
hit every area in the city to see if it worked,
739
00:33:27.720 --> 00:33:30.220
because I just always felt like, and I feel this
740
00:33:30.259 --> 00:33:32.059
way towards barbers.
741
00:33:31.619 --> 00:33:34.819
Who do hair. I'd be like, why would you just do.
742
00:33:35.930 --> 00:33:38.470
like black hair why don't you just do our hair
743
00:33:38.490 --> 00:33:40.670
you're a barber why would you only do white hair
744
00:33:41.049 --> 00:33:44.230
do all hair like because if you're a barber.
745
00:33:44.269 --> 00:33:47.369
Be a barber right yeah learn everybody.
746
00:33:47.029 --> 00:33:48.529
Have some curiosity yeah.
747
00:33:48.410 --> 00:33:51.109
Do everybody's hair and i felt that way with jokes
748
00:33:51.470 --> 00:33:53.410
i felt like i'm a comic i'm not a black
749
00:33:53.430 --> 00:33:56.470
comic i'm a comic yeah so go work out all
750
00:33:56.519 --> 00:33:58.200
these go to all these parts of the city and
751
00:33:58.240 --> 00:34:01.180
do it so It worked in my favor, in a sense, but.
752
00:34:01.359 --> 00:34:03.119
Did you have friends that say, why are you going
753
00:34:03.160 --> 00:34:04.099
up to the north side?
754
00:34:04.140 --> 00:34:06.480
It'd be crazy. I had friends in each part.
755
00:34:08.199 --> 00:34:10.539
Nobody hung out with each other, but I would go
756
00:34:10.579 --> 00:34:12.579
up north and be with all my white friends, and
757
00:34:12.619 --> 00:34:15.670
we'd do sets, and then I'd leave, and I'd go
758
00:34:16.110 --> 00:34:20.050
to the Hispanic part, and I got my Hispanic comedian friends,
759
00:34:20.090 --> 00:34:22.650
and I'd perform with them, and my Asian friends. I
760
00:34:22.650 --> 00:34:26.170
would just go around the city, and so I just always...
761
00:34:26.530 --> 00:34:29.139
you know, had a good relationship with everybody, you know?
762
00:34:29.219 --> 00:34:31.980
And so, and I, and I thought that way when
763
00:34:32.039 --> 00:34:34.699
I wrote, I thought like, I don't want to write
764
00:34:34.739 --> 00:34:36.150
this and then have to rewrite it.
765
00:34:36.679 --> 00:34:38.440
So let me just do it this one time and
766
00:34:38.500 --> 00:34:39.980
hopefully it'll work with everybody.
767
00:34:40.079 --> 00:34:44.219
And it could be hood enough, but smart, smart enough
768
00:34:44.280 --> 00:34:46.980
as well that everybody can get it. And to this day,
769
00:34:47.019 --> 00:34:50.179
I just try to write like that, where it takes,
770
00:34:50.460 --> 00:34:52.980
it takes me two years to write a special when
771
00:34:53.099 --> 00:34:55.690
a lot of people only, it takes them one, one year. I,
772
00:34:56.900 --> 00:34:58.820
I only can do it every two years.
773
00:34:58.900 --> 00:35:00.440
Well, first of all, to be fair to you, you're
774
00:35:00.519 --> 00:35:01.960
busy doing a lot of other stuff.
775
00:35:02.599 --> 00:35:03.239
I mean, yeah.
776
00:35:03.260 --> 00:35:04.369
I mean, you've got, it's.
777
00:35:04.309 --> 00:35:07.989
Not your only gig. You've got, but how do you write?
778
00:35:08.150 --> 00:35:10.570
Do you write on stage or do you like sit down?
779
00:35:10.590 --> 00:35:14.769
No, I have to live. I have to live.
780
00:35:14.789 --> 00:35:17.429
I have to put myself in situations I wouldn't normally
781
00:35:17.760 --> 00:35:20.559
be in in order to like find something funny, you know?
782
00:35:20.579 --> 00:35:23.420
So when you do a bit about murdering a stranger.
783
00:35:23.619 --> 00:35:27.539
Yeah, I either know someone who did it I either
784
00:35:27.579 --> 00:35:35.849
know someone who just murdered someone or I thought about it. No,
785
00:35:35.889 --> 00:35:39.949
but I go, I go, like, I was just at NASCAR, like,
786
00:35:40.050 --> 00:35:42.190
probably about eight months ago.
787
00:35:42.349 --> 00:35:45.460
I was there and just at NASCAR.
788
00:35:47.179 --> 00:35:50.619
It was just soaking it in like i was in
789
00:35:50.639 --> 00:35:52.840
the pit masters and all that shit and i was
790
00:35:52.880 --> 00:35:54.969
sitting there i ain't know what the fuck was going
791
00:35:55.070 --> 00:35:57.829
on but i just noticed the car just kept going
792
00:35:57.869 --> 00:36:03.980
around and everybody had beers and shit and outfits and
793
00:36:04.099 --> 00:36:06.519
checkered pants i still don't know what the checker shit
794
00:36:06.559 --> 00:36:09.380
is about but it was like all this checker shit.
795
00:36:09.199 --> 00:36:10.440
And How did you? Wait a minute.
796
00:36:10.539 --> 00:36:12.340
But we had a good goddamn time.
797
00:36:12.400 --> 00:36:12.909
You know what?
798
00:36:12.969 --> 00:36:16.489
Someone didn't like anesthetize you, knock you out, and take
799
00:36:16.530 --> 00:36:17.329
you to NASCAR.
800
00:36:17.369 --> 00:36:18.610
You chose to go there.
801
00:36:18.630 --> 00:36:19.190
I chose to go.
802
00:36:19.190 --> 00:36:20.289
Who invited you to NASCAR?
803
00:36:20.329 --> 00:36:21.489
Yo, NASCAR.
804
00:36:21.789 --> 00:36:24.440
Oh, okay. That's a man?
805
00:36:24.460 --> 00:36:26.980
NASCAR was like, hey, you want to come to NASCAR?
806
00:36:28.860 --> 00:36:32.840
So they invited you. Did you perform there or no?
807
00:36:32.880 --> 00:36:34.420
I think a lot of people was like, fuck no.
808
00:36:34.460 --> 00:36:35.920
And I was like, hell yeah, let me go.
809
00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:37.900
I didn't perform nothing.
810
00:36:37.960 --> 00:36:38.820
I just went.
811
00:36:39.280 --> 00:36:42.860
I went to the writers meeting, the drivers meeting before.
812
00:36:42.949 --> 00:36:43.840
I sat there with them.
813
00:36:43.929 --> 00:36:44.340
I went.
814
00:36:44.750 --> 00:36:46.110
They had like a red carpet. I'm going to tell
815
00:36:46.130 --> 00:36:48.329
you how white it was there. They had this red carpet.
816
00:36:48.739 --> 00:36:52.199
And I walked the red carpet and no one, no
817
00:36:52.300 --> 00:36:56.050
one even looked at me. And I was, I was,
818
00:36:56.070 --> 00:36:58.690
it was one black lady with an iPhone that took
819
00:36:58.730 --> 00:37:01.630
a picture of me. It was all these photographers with
820
00:37:01.750 --> 00:37:03.929
real cameras. It was just one black lady like.
821
00:37:04.510 --> 00:37:07.679
I love your Old Spice commercials.
822
00:37:07.699 --> 00:37:07.920
Click.
823
00:37:08.780 --> 00:37:10.139
I was like, thank you.
824
00:37:10.340 --> 00:37:13.820
I'm wearing Old Spice now because of you.
825
00:37:13.840 --> 00:37:19.449
I walk up, nobody's saying nothing to me. But then
826
00:37:19.869 --> 00:37:22.469
everybody else came up. They were screaming everybody's name. Like,
827
00:37:22.530 --> 00:37:26.710
that's how it was. But we had so much fun, man.
828
00:37:26.809 --> 00:37:27.269
Out the wild.
829
00:37:27.289 --> 00:37:29.719
We was just like having fun and joking about the
830
00:37:29.760 --> 00:37:32.599
shit and People started finding out that I was a comedian.
831
00:37:32.619 --> 00:37:34.739
They were finding out that I was a comedian.
832
00:37:34.880 --> 00:37:37.630
They was like, hey, what you do? And I was like, oh, jokes.
833
00:37:38.110 --> 00:37:39.349
Oh, I like jokes.
834
00:37:39.409 --> 00:37:39.829
Come on.
835
00:37:39.889 --> 00:37:43.789
And we hung out and they grilled and shit. We
836
00:37:43.809 --> 00:37:46.469
just fucking kicked it, man. And I was like, man,
837
00:37:46.510 --> 00:37:48.829
I like this. And I left with it. A hot
838
00:37:48.849 --> 00:37:50.230
five minutes on NASCAR.
839
00:37:53.610 --> 00:37:54.650
You know what's really fun?
840
00:37:54.829 --> 00:37:58.739
I went to all the black clubs.
841
00:38:00.280 --> 00:38:02.679
Anybody go NASCAR? Nothing.
842
00:38:03.059 --> 00:38:03.500
Nothing.
843
00:38:03.519 --> 00:38:03.760
Silence.
844
00:38:03.820 --> 00:38:04.260
Silence.
845
00:38:06.659 --> 00:38:09.980
This is the problem is if you go too far
846
00:38:10.219 --> 00:38:13.079
into exploring other worlds, you'd be like, so I'm in
847
00:38:13.119 --> 00:38:16.679
Bermuda and I'm buying Madras shorts.
848
00:38:16.780 --> 00:38:21.030
You guys with me? Hey, where's everyone going? You still
849
00:38:21.070 --> 00:38:22.489
got to take, you know, you don't want to go
850
00:38:22.510 --> 00:38:22.840
too far.
851
00:38:22.860 --> 00:38:25.750
You got to read the room, man. And that's the problem.
852
00:38:25.809 --> 00:38:29.389
But I still have the material and I'm going to
853
00:38:29.409 --> 00:38:32.929
use it one day. No, but I have to, man.
854
00:38:32.989 --> 00:38:34.730
I have to do that. That's how I write, man.
855
00:38:34.789 --> 00:38:35.250
I have to.
856
00:38:35.769 --> 00:38:37.949
I have to like do things I normally wouldn't do
857
00:38:38.050 --> 00:38:40.409
or just, or listen. I like to listen a lot.
858
00:38:40.469 --> 00:38:42.239
Like a lot of people might think I talk a lot.
859
00:38:42.679 --> 00:38:44.760
I go in the room for the people. I'm quiet.
860
00:38:44.800 --> 00:38:48.320
I'm just listening to everybody's story and everything, you know,
861
00:38:48.360 --> 00:38:51.380
and just trying to find funny in it, you know,
862
00:38:51.679 --> 00:38:54.559
and that's just it, you know. Kona's like that too. Kona,
863
00:38:54.579 --> 00:38:58.889
I remember, what happened that time? I think I, somehow
864
00:38:58.949 --> 00:39:01.949
I went to the hospital. He was like, let's film it.
865
00:39:04.920 --> 00:39:05.300
Sure.
866
00:39:06.860 --> 00:39:08.800
You know, some people would wait to see how serious
867
00:39:08.889 --> 00:39:12.789
is it. And I'm like, well, before we do that,
868
00:39:12.869 --> 00:39:15.429
let's make sure we get it on. Let's make sure
869
00:39:15.449 --> 00:39:18.010
we monetize whatever's happening to Dion.
870
00:39:18.550 --> 00:39:18.789
Right?
871
00:39:18.809 --> 00:39:20.289
Is that what you're talking about?
872
00:39:20.309 --> 00:39:23.329
They kicked me off the lot and I had to
873
00:39:23.349 --> 00:39:23.900
go to park.
874
00:39:25.139 --> 00:39:25.960
I remember that.
875
00:39:27.360 --> 00:39:27.900
Say what happened.
876
00:39:28.099 --> 00:39:30.349
I don't I didn't even know this could happen. But
877
00:39:30.730 --> 00:39:32.989
every time you park illegally on the lot, they give
878
00:39:33.030 --> 00:39:35.349
you a warning. And everyone I think everyone at some
879
00:39:35.389 --> 00:39:38.699
point got a warning. But Dion got so many warnings
880
00:39:38.920 --> 00:39:42.960
that they didn't let him park on the lot anymore.
881
00:39:43.179 --> 00:39:45.150
They revoked his parking privileges.
882
00:39:45.329 --> 00:39:47.409
So you had to park, I think, down the street.
883
00:39:47.429 --> 00:39:49.059
Down the street and walk into the lot.
884
00:39:49.090 --> 00:39:50.829
You're parking a Bentley at a meter?
885
00:39:50.849 --> 00:39:50.909
No.
886
00:39:51.659 --> 00:39:53.300
Wait, you really had a Bentley?
887
00:39:53.440 --> 00:39:54.639
Yes!
888
00:39:54.679 --> 00:39:55.179
Yes!
889
00:39:55.300 --> 00:39:56.139
It was beautiful.
890
00:39:56.260 --> 00:39:59.320
It was gorgeous. It's the only Bentley I've ever seen.
891
00:40:00.059 --> 00:40:02.400
It was white. It was convertible.
892
00:40:02.440 --> 00:40:03.360
Yeah, it was beautiful.
893
00:40:03.460 --> 00:40:06.599
I've never in my whole life ridden in a Bentley,
894
00:40:06.639 --> 00:40:12.639
and I asked Dion, and he said no. He said,
895
00:40:13.199 --> 00:40:17.360
I want your leather pants stinking up.
896
00:40:17.460 --> 00:40:20.159
I used to park in this. It was a parking
897
00:40:20.179 --> 00:40:24.179
space on Warner Brothers. And the parking space said Bruce Willis.
898
00:40:25.340 --> 00:40:28.000
And I parked there every day. Because I'm like, there
899
00:40:28.019 --> 00:40:30.000
ain't no motherfucking Bruce Willis parking in here.
900
00:40:30.119 --> 00:40:31.679
And it barely seems like it could be him.
901
00:40:31.780 --> 00:40:36.780
I parked there for like seven months. Nobody said nothing.
902
00:40:36.929 --> 00:40:40.030
Right in front. Right there in front. I was like, nothing.
903
00:40:40.409 --> 00:40:43.090
And then one day they tripped out and was like,
904
00:40:43.210 --> 00:40:44.570
you can't park in Bruce Willis.
905
00:40:47.130 --> 00:40:48.949
Bruce Willis ain't parking here.
906
00:40:48.969 --> 00:40:54.429
Until the one day he does and he pulls up
907
00:40:54.469 --> 00:40:56.320
in a white Bentley.
908
00:40:56.420 --> 00:40:57.199
And they beat him.
909
00:40:57.219 --> 00:41:00.079
You were here already.
910
00:41:00.639 --> 00:41:03.480
She got kicked off the lot.
911
00:41:03.579 --> 00:41:04.019
Yeah.
912
00:41:04.099 --> 00:41:05.860
And then we did this bit where you let me
913
00:41:05.900 --> 00:41:06.900
park on the stage.
914
00:41:07.019 --> 00:41:07.260
Yeah.
915
00:41:07.579 --> 00:41:08.619
And we had to rent a car.
916
00:41:09.559 --> 00:41:11.679
And I pulled it on the stage and the card
917
00:41:11.739 --> 00:41:14.610
stayed there the whole show. And then at the end,
918
00:41:14.670 --> 00:41:15.570
I got my.
919
00:41:20.010 --> 00:41:20.309
Card.
920
00:41:20.329 --> 00:41:23.230
You know what's fun is I remember you started doing
921
00:41:23.250 --> 00:41:28.099
stuff on our show and then you started getting friendly
922
00:41:28.159 --> 00:41:32.320
with celebrities and it was just fun. And you'd be
923
00:41:32.340 --> 00:41:34.920
telling me about how you were hanging out with some
924
00:41:34.960 --> 00:41:36.360
incredibly cool person.
925
00:41:36.400 --> 00:41:39.130
And I'd be like, They've never reached out to me.
926
00:41:43.650 --> 00:41:44.530
And I don't blame them.
927
00:41:44.690 --> 00:41:45.550
They shouldn't.
928
00:41:46.360 --> 00:41:49.760
But it's really fun when you talk in your comedy,
929
00:41:50.079 --> 00:41:52.260
sometimes you'll talk about some of the people you hang
930
00:41:52.340 --> 00:41:57.360
out with. And it's really fun because, again, I'm living
931
00:41:57.420 --> 00:42:02.099
vicariously through you. You're having all these crazy adventures. You're
932
00:42:02.139 --> 00:42:05.000
out there meeting these different women. You're out there going
933
00:42:05.019 --> 00:42:06.300
to these parties.
934
00:42:06.420 --> 00:42:07.179
Yes, but.
935
00:42:07.199 --> 00:42:08.500
I love how I say parties.
936
00:42:08.599 --> 00:42:09.440
I know, I know.
937
00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:16.119
These parties where people apparently congregate and have liquor.
938
00:42:16.179 --> 00:42:19.889
In libations. I feel like you're.
939
00:42:19.530 --> 00:42:21.309
Going to sentence a witch to death.
940
00:42:21.429 --> 00:42:24.809
I'm sorry. There'll be no parties on my time.
941
00:42:26.130 --> 00:42:28.269
No, but the people I used to meet with you
942
00:42:28.369 --> 00:42:31.829
was like, I remember I didn't know all these great
943
00:42:32.230 --> 00:42:35.250
people I met with him and shit. Like, I remember
944
00:42:35.329 --> 00:42:37.769
one day there, I was like, I was telling my guy,
945
00:42:37.789 --> 00:42:39.239
and he was like, I was like, yeah.
946
00:42:39.260 --> 00:42:40.260
I was like, we was on tour.
947
00:42:40.280 --> 00:42:41.320
How was the show?
948
00:42:41.360 --> 00:42:42.519
I was like, yeah, it was cool.
949
00:42:42.539 --> 00:42:45.440
This motherfucker named Neil Diamond showed up, and he was,
950
00:42:45.480 --> 00:42:47.280
you know, he was cool.
951
00:42:47.440 --> 00:42:49.219
He was cool. Neil was cool as shit.
952
00:42:49.239 --> 00:42:49.440
Like.
953
00:42:50.329 --> 00:42:53.309
Not even knowing the magnitude of Neil Diamond. Just like,
954
00:42:53.989 --> 00:42:56.940
Eddie Vedder? That nigga Eddie Vedder? All right, man.
955
00:42:57.039 --> 00:43:00.519
It was like Eddie Vedder, yo.
956
00:43:00.639 --> 00:43:02.760
Eddie Vedder came and you had no idea. Who is that?
957
00:43:03.679 --> 00:43:06.199
This is Eddie Vedder. And you're like, oh, well, is
958
00:43:06.219 --> 00:43:09.309
this your accountant? Yes, it's my accountant, Eddie Vedder.
959
00:43:09.329 --> 00:43:12.690
Bro, we was kicking it. Like, kicking it. They wasn't
960
00:43:12.710 --> 00:43:14.829
on their name shit. They was just kickin'..
961
00:43:17.800 --> 00:43:22.010
Cool motherfuckers were not even knowing the magnitude of who
962
00:43:22.030 --> 00:43:23.130
they was until later.
963
00:43:23.230 --> 00:43:26.659
You know what I mean? Then going, oh, shit. Yo,
964
00:43:26.699 --> 00:43:28.570
that's that motherfucker I was eating cake with.
965
00:43:28.800 --> 00:43:34.489
That Neil Diamond, me and him was eating cake.
966
00:43:34.550 --> 00:43:37.869
I swear we ate cake on the same plate. I
967
00:43:38.030 --> 00:43:40.590
don't think you're thinking of Neil Diamond. I think it's
968
00:43:40.650 --> 00:43:41.670
Neil Young. Neil Young!
969
00:43:41.710 --> 00:43:43.889
Neil Young!
970
00:43:43.929 --> 00:43:46.150
Neil Young! Oh my God, even better.
971
00:43:46.809 --> 00:43:48.190
I fucked the name up.
972
00:43:48.250 --> 00:43:49.550
Neil Young!
973
00:43:49.570 --> 00:43:50.679
We knew it was a Neil.
974
00:43:51.239 --> 00:43:53.820
Neil something. It was Neil Armstrong.
975
00:43:54.659 --> 00:43:58.079
So Neil Sadaka's is Conan's main hang.
976
00:43:58.780 --> 00:44:01.070
What? Neil Sadaka.
977
00:44:01.110 --> 00:44:02.110
Neil Young, Neil Young.
978
00:44:02.150 --> 00:44:04.469
It was Neil Young, because I kept thinking, wait a minute,
979
00:44:04.550 --> 00:44:07.429
Neil Diamond was hanging out on our tour, and I
980
00:44:07.489 --> 00:44:08.530
didn't get to meet him?
981
00:44:09.949 --> 00:44:11.440
Sweet, Conan.
982
00:44:12.559 --> 00:44:15.219
That was Neil Young.
983
00:44:15.260 --> 00:44:18.440
Neil Young! That's who I ate cake with. Neil Young, yeah.
984
00:44:18.639 --> 00:44:21.460
And everybody, I'm feeling everyone bonded with you, too.
985
00:44:21.480 --> 00:44:24.489
Like, you met everybody, and everyone ended up with everyone's
986
00:44:24.510 --> 00:44:28.030
phone numbers. Everybody loved you, and then later on you'd
987
00:44:28.050 --> 00:44:30.369
be at these parties, and you'd be sending me crazy
988
00:44:30.409 --> 00:44:34.469
pictures of you with, like, the biggest stars in the world.
989
00:44:35.380 --> 00:44:42.159
And I'd be like, well, did you mention me to Beyonce? No, asshole,
990
00:44:42.260 --> 00:44:44.179
I didn't.
991
00:44:44.340 --> 00:44:46.070
Oh, shit.
992
00:44:46.150 --> 00:44:51.639
Did you just drop my name? To tell Beyonce I
993
00:44:51.699 --> 00:44:53.230
said hi.
994
00:44:53.250 --> 00:44:57.880
She probably loves my stuff from the early 90s.
995
00:44:59.070 --> 00:45:04.239
We really broke the fourth wall. Didn't happen so much.
996
00:45:04.699 --> 00:45:09.679
We really broke the fourth wall. Like, that's cool, right?
997
00:45:09.739 --> 00:45:13.090
Right. The sketch was one idea, but then it became
998
00:45:13.150 --> 00:45:15.730
another idea. It was sort of meta.
999
00:45:15.909 --> 00:45:17.159
That's what's going to win her over, too.
1000
00:45:17.429 --> 00:45:18.050
Oh, he did?
1001
00:45:18.230 --> 00:45:18.969
No, he didn't.
1002
00:45:19.090 --> 00:45:19.670
Okay.
1003
00:45:20.130 --> 00:45:21.329
The fourth wall?
1004
00:45:21.769 --> 00:45:22.550
Oh, shit.
1005
00:45:22.570 --> 00:45:24.119
Give me his number.
1006
00:45:26.739 --> 00:45:27.960
Fourth wall breaker.
1007
00:45:28.199 --> 00:45:29.300
Fourth wall breaker.
1008
00:45:29.840 --> 00:45:34.219
Never saw Jay-Z break the fourth wall with some meta comedy.
1009
00:45:36.469 --> 00:45:39.690
Then Jay-Z's really jealous of me? What's that shit you're
1010
00:45:39.710 --> 00:45:40.510
doing with comedy?
1011
00:45:41.289 --> 00:45:44.789
Your whole monologue is breaking the fourth wall.
1012
00:45:44.889 --> 00:45:47.860
I know, I know, I know, I know.
1013
00:45:47.889 --> 00:45:52.099
And every talk show host for 50 years has just.
1014
00:45:51.960 --> 00:45:53.019
Been breaking the fourth wall.
1015
00:45:53.039 --> 00:45:54.460
Yeah, exactly.
1016
00:45:54.719 --> 00:45:59.510
Nope, just me, just me. Just driving Jay-Z crazy at night.
1017
00:45:59.610 --> 00:46:04.250
Tossing and turning. He tries to relax in his.
1018
00:46:04.889 --> 00:46:08.679
in his plane made of diamonds that can't even take
1019
00:46:08.800 --> 00:46:10.070
off because it's made of diamonds.
1020
00:46:12.239 --> 00:46:13.460
God damn that Conan!
1021
00:46:14.880 --> 00:46:20.099
This weird fourth wall breaking comedy!
1022
00:46:20.320 --> 00:46:23.460
Oh man, that's hilarious.
1023
00:46:24.179 --> 00:46:27.130
Now how do you like now, because you're doing this show,
1024
00:46:28.139 --> 00:46:32.360
Average Joe, it's on BET, and now you're the guy.
1025
00:46:32.579 --> 00:46:37.940
You're the first name on the call sheet. So that's great,
1026
00:46:38.019 --> 00:46:41.150
that's what everybody wants, but there's shit that comes with that, right?
1027
00:46:41.190 --> 00:46:42.030
Yeah, man.
1028
00:46:42.849 --> 00:46:47.530
When we was first doing it, it's on Netflix now,
1029
00:46:48.429 --> 00:46:51.409
Average Joe's on Netflix. When we first started doing it,
1030
00:46:51.900 --> 00:46:53.480
it was the first time I was number one on
1031
00:46:53.500 --> 00:46:54.079
the call sheet.
1032
00:46:54.119 --> 00:46:54.380
Right.
1033
00:46:55.139 --> 00:46:59.639
I went down to shoot, still doing standup, still doing
1034
00:46:59.659 --> 00:47:03.820
whatever I do and still thinking I could. And it
1035
00:47:04.139 --> 00:47:07.760
was so, I was so miserable because nobody told me
1036
00:47:07.780 --> 00:47:10.690
that I couldn't do that no more. I'm walking around
1037
00:47:10.730 --> 00:47:13.929
with four, one hour scripts every day. The two, cause
1038
00:47:13.949 --> 00:47:16.949
we were doing like two episodes every two weeks. So
1039
00:47:16.989 --> 00:47:19.570
I'll be doing the two episodes that I'm shooting. And
1040
00:47:19.590 --> 00:47:21.639
then I had to study for the two that's coming up.
1041
00:47:21.760 --> 00:47:25.510
So it was like four, four one-hour scripts that I
1042
00:47:25.510 --> 00:47:28.389
had to study all the time. It was so brutal.
1043
00:47:28.469 --> 00:47:30.989
And it was like, oh, God, didn't nobody tell me
1044
00:47:31.030 --> 00:47:33.469
I can't do stand-up no more. I can't do nothing
1045
00:47:33.510 --> 00:47:36.340
no more. And I was, like, still trying.
1046
00:47:36.050 --> 00:47:37.409
To do it, and it wasn't working.
1047
00:47:37.719 --> 00:47:39.699
And I just was like, you just have to, like,
1048
00:47:39.760 --> 00:47:42.820
submit and be like, all right, fine, forget it. Because
1049
00:47:42.840 --> 00:47:45.760
don't nobody teach you how to be the first on
1050
00:47:45.780 --> 00:47:48.880
the call sheet. You just jump into it, you know.
1051
00:47:48.960 --> 00:47:52.519
And so, yeah, a lot comes with that. So, I
1052
00:47:52.559 --> 00:47:55.679
learned to just let everything go, knowing when I'm shooting,
1053
00:47:56.199 --> 00:47:59.969
like it's about that, that only, and can't do nothing
1054
00:48:00.050 --> 00:48:01.610
else with it.
1055
00:48:02.050 --> 00:48:05.190
It's funny to me because I noticed on your special,
1056
00:48:05.210 --> 00:48:07.610
I noticed that when you walk in here, you, I mean,
1057
00:48:09.369 --> 00:48:10.190
how many years have.
1058
00:48:10.130 --> 00:48:13.280
We known each other now? Has it been 15 years maybe? Yeah,
1059
00:48:13.320 --> 00:48:17.539
I think it's been 15. 2009 you were on the show.
1060
00:48:17.539 --> 00:48:18.099
2009.
1061
00:48:18.099 --> 00:48:22.300
Anyway, you don't look any different to me. You really don't.
1062
00:48:22.719 --> 00:48:23.800
And you really don't.
1063
00:48:24.119 --> 00:48:26.210
And it's funny because you talk in the special a
1064
00:48:26.269 --> 00:48:33.230
lot about aging. And you're really funny about it. And
1065
00:48:33.269 --> 00:48:35.369
you talk about it in this very honest way, but
1066
00:48:35.389 --> 00:48:38.650
it's hilarious. And after I watched the special, I thought,
1067
00:48:39.190 --> 00:48:43.739
aging's really on Dion's mind. And then I thought, you
1068
00:48:43.760 --> 00:48:46.119
look like a young man, you know? And then I thought,
1069
00:48:46.300 --> 00:48:49.159
if you're thinking that much about aging, I really need
1070
00:48:49.179 --> 00:48:49.929
to be.
1071
00:48:49.860 --> 00:48:55.989
Thinking about aging. And I'm not thinking that much about it.
1072
00:48:56.289 --> 00:48:59.349
It's like, shit. Dion, you know?
1073
00:48:59.369 --> 00:49:02.849
Man, you, man, I have because I've been thinking more
1074
00:49:02.889 --> 00:49:07.900
about like, you know, like just legacy type stuff where
1075
00:49:07.920 --> 00:49:10.019
you just like, man, I'm getting older.
1076
00:49:10.039 --> 00:49:12.380
What am I, what am I going to keep doing this?
1077
00:49:12.460 --> 00:49:15.469
Going to, Am I going to keep eating chicken fingers
1078
00:49:15.590 --> 00:49:17.869
in the back of the club at night?
1079
00:49:18.000 --> 00:49:22.320
Am I still going to ride home with four comics
1080
00:49:22.380 --> 00:49:27.289
in the car? Like, am I, everybody's pitching ideas. Like,
1081
00:49:27.369 --> 00:49:29.730
am I going to keep doing, like, what am I
1082
00:49:29.750 --> 00:49:30.269
going to do?
1083
00:49:30.489 --> 00:49:32.190
You know? And so every year.
1084
00:49:31.949 --> 00:49:35.440
It's just, It's this process that I go through in
1085
00:49:35.480 --> 00:49:37.670
my mind and try to figure out where I'm at,
1086
00:49:37.730 --> 00:49:38.909
you know, and I have to go.
1087
00:49:38.929 --> 00:49:42.690
I'm getting older. I can't wear... you know, turquoise no more,
1088
00:49:42.750 --> 00:49:43.130
you know?
1089
00:49:43.150 --> 00:49:45.010
I don't think that's true.
1090
00:49:45.030 --> 00:49:48.090
Haven't you seen the Golden Girls?
1091
00:49:48.409 --> 00:49:50.510
I can't wear bright colors no more.
1092
00:49:50.530 --> 00:49:51.260
That's not true.
1093
00:49:51.469 --> 00:49:52.739
I don't think that's true.
1094
00:49:52.760 --> 00:49:54.659
I don't like old people in bright colors.
1095
00:49:54.860 --> 00:49:58.079
Okay, well, that's different. That's different.
1096
00:49:58.179 --> 00:50:03.119
Hot pinks, Miami Vice shirt. No, I can't. I'm done
1097
00:50:03.159 --> 00:50:03.820
with them days.
1098
00:50:03.900 --> 00:50:04.760
There's one thing.
1099
00:50:04.840 --> 00:50:06.360
I said I didn't want to give anything away, but
1100
00:50:06.400 --> 00:50:08.760
I can't help it. This is the part where you're talking...
1101
00:50:09.550 --> 00:50:19.199
About how your body's changed. You said you had an
1102
00:50:19.280 --> 00:50:21.699
orgasm and only wind came out.
1103
00:50:30.960 --> 00:50:32.059
And I thought, shit.
1104
00:50:32.659 --> 00:50:36.360
He's just like, okay, I don't think that's true, but
1105
00:50:36.420 --> 00:50:38.469
it's really such a funny image.
1106
00:50:39.030 --> 00:50:42.210
It's such a funny image. It's really kind of close.
1107
00:50:43.050 --> 00:50:43.610
Yeah.
1108
00:50:43.670 --> 00:50:44.409
You were like, yeah.
1109
00:50:44.570 --> 00:50:44.670
Yeah.
1110
00:50:45.269 --> 00:50:50.199
I think it's those vitamins I'm taking. Oh my God.
1111
00:50:50.219 --> 00:50:52.219
I was like crying when you said that.
1112
00:50:53.000 --> 00:50:56.039
And I'm like, again, I'm just saying watch the special
1113
00:50:56.079 --> 00:51:00.679
because that's just, there's so many little nuggets in there.
1114
00:51:00.739 --> 00:51:04.340
But that image, I'm going to tease people with that image.
1115
00:51:04.360 --> 00:51:06.659
You should put a little reed down there so it whistles.
1116
00:51:06.760 --> 00:51:11.429
Yeah, makes a little sound. Maybe if you can sustain
1117
00:51:11.469 --> 00:51:14.329
the orgasm and with a little manipulation.
1118
00:51:14.349 --> 00:51:18.210
Like you're playing a song.
1119
00:51:18.230 --> 00:51:21.309
Can you get.
1120
00:51:21.210 --> 00:51:22.130
Some notes out of it?
1121
00:51:28.000 --> 00:51:33.559
That's crazy.
1122
00:51:33.760 --> 00:51:36.800
That's funny that you got that as people would say
1123
00:51:36.820 --> 00:51:38.110
to you, you're crazy.
1124
00:51:38.449 --> 00:51:42.909
And that's what I would get. And then this is
1125
00:51:42.949 --> 00:51:45.710
what we do. You know, it's fun. It's fun. I
1126
00:51:45.750 --> 00:51:46.510
think there might be.
1127
00:51:47.289 --> 00:51:49.239
I always go back to my dad who did say,
1128
00:51:49.260 --> 00:51:51.420
I think there's something wrong with you, but it seems
1129
00:51:51.460 --> 00:51:52.440
to be making money.
1130
00:51:54.460 --> 00:51:55.539
And he's like a doctor.
1131
00:51:55.800 --> 00:51:58.360
And he didn't say it to be funny.
1132
00:51:58.409 --> 00:52:00.909
He was like, yeah, no, there's something wrong with.
1133
00:52:00.750 --> 00:52:05.369
You, but keep going because it's taking care of some shit.
1134
00:52:05.409 --> 00:52:06.530
Yeah, no, we.
1135
00:52:07.030 --> 00:52:12.559
I think we're the only occupation where insults are actually compliments.
1136
00:52:12.579 --> 00:52:17.780
And we're like, you crazy motherfucker. He's like, thanks a lot.
1137
00:52:17.860 --> 00:52:20.860
Appreciate that. I really appreciate that.
1138
00:52:20.880 --> 00:52:22.579
You piece of shit. Thank you.
1139
00:52:22.599 --> 00:52:23.610
Thank you.
1140
00:52:23.619 --> 00:52:27.889
You pedophile. Hey, you bought me in the role.
1141
00:52:28.469 --> 00:52:28.809
Thank you.
1142
00:52:30.550 --> 00:52:32.590
You must think I'm a fantastic actor.
1143
00:52:32.630 --> 00:52:36.429
Pedophile, thank you. Glad you saw it. I've never seen
1144
00:52:36.469 --> 00:52:37.920
the movie, sir.
1145
00:52:38.360 --> 00:52:43.019
Glad you saw it.
1146
00:52:43.039 --> 00:52:44.280
You pedophile.
1147
00:52:44.599 --> 00:52:51.309
Well, you know what? God damn it. This is great. Love,
1148
00:52:51.909 --> 00:52:53.869
love hanging with you. Always have.
1149
00:52:53.889 --> 00:52:58.030
It was such a lucky day, the day our paths crossed.
1150
00:52:58.170 --> 00:53:01.949
And I just keep watching you killing it left and right,
1151
00:53:02.269 --> 00:53:04.530
and I'm so happy for you.
1152
00:53:04.730 --> 00:53:09.940
I really am. Nothing but joy, some envy, some anger.
1153
00:53:10.340 --> 00:53:12.659
And I swear to God, someday you should take me.
1154
00:53:12.659 --> 00:53:13.659
Somewhere where I don't belong.
1155
00:53:21.199 --> 00:53:24.880
Where you do belong and where I don't belong and
1156
00:53:24.920 --> 00:53:25.809
we should film it.
1157
00:53:25.840 --> 00:53:28.179
We should definitely do that.
1158
00:53:28.219 --> 00:53:30.079
You have to see me at a club.
1159
00:53:30.579 --> 00:53:33.400
We got to go someplace.
1160
00:53:32.519 --> 00:53:37.030
Where I don't belong and then just see what happens.
1161
00:53:37.269 --> 00:53:38.750
I think we'd have a lot of fun.
1162
00:53:38.809 --> 00:53:42.510
Let's do it. Definitely, man. I appreciate you, man. I'll
1163
00:53:42.550 --> 00:53:45.230
tell you, man. I learned so much from you and
1164
00:53:45.289 --> 00:53:49.849
I thank you, man. This is going to sound really weird,
1165
00:53:49.909 --> 00:53:54.019
but why you got to watch who around you, man, you, you,
1166
00:53:54.139 --> 00:53:56.159
you give a lot of people a lot of stuff
1167
00:53:56.480 --> 00:53:59.360
and they run off with it and they go become
1168
00:53:59.920 --> 00:54:03.159
uber famous. But, but I don't think you can, I think,
1169
00:54:03.179 --> 00:54:06.929
I don't think you can, well, how can I say you, you,
1170
00:54:07.090 --> 00:54:09.869
you can't help, but give what you give, you know,
1171
00:54:09.889 --> 00:54:13.610
because you, you, you have, you have, because the way
1172
00:54:13.670 --> 00:54:15.980
I'm thinking about, you can't help, but give what you
1173
00:54:16.019 --> 00:54:18.980
give and what you given is, I think people should
1174
00:54:19.019 --> 00:54:21.929
give you way more credit for, and there's a lot
1175
00:54:21.989 --> 00:54:24.590
of use out there, man. And I see it all
1176
00:54:25.199 --> 00:54:29.380
the time, but this is such a, thankless business we in,
1177
00:54:29.460 --> 00:54:31.539
but I want to let you know, anytime I see
1178
00:54:31.579 --> 00:54:33.619
that shit, I expose it and I let them know.
1179
00:54:33.960 --> 00:54:35.579
Oh. No, I do.
1180
00:54:35.659 --> 00:54:36.219
I'll be like this.
1181
00:54:36.239 --> 00:54:38.179
I'll be like, man, that's Conan. I'll be like, yeah,
1182
00:54:38.239 --> 00:54:41.039
Conan do that, right? I'll be like, yeah, Conan do that, right?
1183
00:54:41.059 --> 00:54:43.059
And they'll be like, yeah, yeah. I'll be like, yeah, yeah.
1184
00:54:43.099 --> 00:54:46.690
Did you ever shout him out about that shit?
1185
00:54:46.710 --> 00:54:48.710
Shout him out. Shout him out. Like, yo.
1186
00:54:49.050 --> 00:54:49.949
But, but, but, but.
1187
00:54:50.010 --> 00:54:53.269
But no, I honestly, I honestly, I honestly think that,
1188
00:54:53.590 --> 00:54:57.469
you know, I don't, I, I think about all the
1189
00:54:57.510 --> 00:55:01.849
people I grew up watching and how much of them,
1190
00:55:02.030 --> 00:55:04.519
they're in my DNA, they're in my bones.
1191
00:55:04.980 --> 00:55:09.260
And I just think we all, we all do that.
1192
00:55:09.519 --> 00:55:13.519
So there's no going around trying to, I, I, I'm just,
1193
00:55:13.719 --> 00:55:16.840
I'm just happy. I'm so happy when people that I
1194
00:55:16.889 --> 00:55:20.429
think have a real gift like yourself, people who I
1195
00:55:20.469 --> 00:55:23.969
really love and care about go out there and do
1196
00:55:24.010 --> 00:55:26.469
their thing in an uncompromising way and kill it.
1197
00:55:26.820 --> 00:55:29.360
I'm just happy. That just makes me happy.
1198
00:55:29.420 --> 00:55:30.539
And you made a great point.
1199
00:55:30.699 --> 00:55:36.940
I just want people to know that you are the
1200
00:55:37.000 --> 00:55:39.639
reason why they are the way they are.
1201
00:55:39.760 --> 00:55:41.840
And I'm big on that.
1202
00:55:41.920 --> 00:55:46.559
I'm big on giving back and just acknowledging. I'm big
1203
00:55:46.639 --> 00:55:50.960
on that. Because that's how people live. You live through
1204
00:55:51.000 --> 00:55:53.780
me like you live through other people. But I acknowledge it.
1205
00:55:54.070 --> 00:55:54.750
You know what I mean?
1206
00:55:54.789 --> 00:55:57.429
And I want everybody to just acknowledge you, man.
1207
00:55:57.469 --> 00:55:58.920
And that's it, because.
1208
00:55:59.340 --> 00:56:03.659
You've changed the game on several occasions, and you still are.
1209
00:56:03.679 --> 00:56:05.420
And keep doing what you're doing, brother.
1210
00:56:05.440 --> 00:56:07.820
We're getting out there, because I don't know what to say.
1211
00:56:07.860 --> 00:56:09.789
No, for real, you are, brother.
1212
00:56:09.809 --> 00:56:10.550
He's so uncomfortable.
1213
00:56:10.570 --> 00:56:10.670
No.
1214
00:56:10.690 --> 00:56:11.230
But you know what?
1215
00:56:11.289 --> 00:56:13.489
Am I telling the truth, though, for real?
1216
00:56:13.530 --> 00:56:14.110
You are.
1217
00:56:14.150 --> 00:56:15.389
Like, for real.
1218
00:56:15.409 --> 00:56:16.989
We're all nodding our head.
1219
00:56:17.030 --> 00:56:18.670
Well, you know what never caught on?
1220
00:56:18.690 --> 00:56:19.489
The hair.
1221
00:56:22.260 --> 00:56:24.920
I would love it if no matter what community you
1222
00:56:24.960 --> 00:56:29.960
went into, what ethnicity, they all had the kooky hair.
1223
00:56:30.320 --> 00:56:30.820
I don't care.
1224
00:56:30.920 --> 00:56:35.320
I just saw this Jamaican comic last night. Big red
1225
00:56:35.800 --> 00:56:39.690
ice cream pompadour on his head. He's doing the string dance.
1226
00:56:40.929 --> 00:56:45.170
That shit never caught on. And I'm pissed. All right,
1227
00:56:45.210 --> 00:56:45.650
I love you.
1228
00:56:45.710 --> 00:56:46.769
I want to see you again soon.
1229
00:56:46.809 --> 00:56:47.789
And we're going to a club.
1230
00:56:47.809 --> 00:56:48.909
Let's do it. I'm with it.
1231
00:56:50.019 --> 00:56:56.000
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00:57:59.760 --> 00:58:02.860
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1247
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1248
00:58:06.599 --> 00:58:09.820
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1249
00:58:09.880 --> 00:58:13.360
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1250
00:58:13.579 --> 00:58:17.800
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1251
00:58:17.820 --> 00:58:22.300
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1252
00:58:22.360 --> 00:58:26.780
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1253
00:58:26.800 --> 00:58:33.320
Okay, guys.
1254
00:58:33.340 --> 00:58:34.380
I got something.
1255
00:58:34.699 --> 00:58:35.300
You got something there?
1256
00:58:35.320 --> 00:58:39.090
The other day, my wife was messing around with ChatGPT. Actually,
1257
00:58:39.110 --> 00:58:42.170
the way that sounds, she's having an affair with ChatGPT.
1258
00:58:42.670 --> 00:58:46.710
I saw your wife and ChatGPT at a restaurant, and
1259
00:58:46.730 --> 00:58:47.730
they were very cozy.
1260
00:58:47.889 --> 00:58:48.170
I know.
1261
00:58:48.550 --> 00:58:48.750
Yeah.
1262
00:58:49.050 --> 00:58:49.849
They were canoodling.
1263
00:58:49.949 --> 00:58:50.969
I got a lot of texts.
1264
00:58:51.030 --> 00:58:51.769
Yeah.
1265
00:58:51.969 --> 00:58:55.639
But it made me think, let's see what AI thinks
1266
00:58:56.280 --> 00:58:57.940
we are, the three of us.
1267
00:58:58.320 --> 00:58:58.400
Oh.
1268
00:58:58.420 --> 00:58:58.980
That's a good idea.
1269
00:58:59.119 --> 00:59:02.659
I said, I want you to do a little scripted
1270
00:59:02.679 --> 00:59:04.949
segment like we normally do for the intro or the
1271
00:59:04.989 --> 00:59:05.670
segment of a show.
1272
00:59:05.809 --> 00:59:05.989
Sure.
1273
00:59:06.150 --> 00:59:08.150
And so we're going to read those now as ourselves.
1274
00:59:08.199 --> 00:59:10.340
Okay oh how fun let's do it all.
1275
00:59:10.300 --> 00:59:12.650
Right and you know what i'm betting this is a
1276
00:59:13.030 --> 00:59:16.289
because chat gbt has become very sophisticated here's what it
1277
00:59:16.349 --> 00:59:17.949
says this may be a viable way to do the
1278
00:59:17.969 --> 00:59:20.590
show from now on if it's close enough to reality.
1279
00:59:20.449 --> 00:59:24.179
Okay AI says, here's a playful podcast segment featuring banter
1280
00:59:24.199 --> 00:59:27.360
between Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley, capturing their
1281
00:59:27.400 --> 00:59:29.079
dynamic from Conan O'Brien.
1282
00:59:28.780 --> 00:59:29.260
Needs a Friend.
1283
00:59:29.280 --> 00:59:30.440
This is so far fantastic.
1284
00:59:30.480 --> 00:59:30.699
Yeah.
1285
00:59:30.920 --> 00:59:32.119
Upbeat music fades out.
1286
00:59:32.860 --> 00:59:33.119
Action.
1287
00:59:33.360 --> 00:59:34.119
All right, we're back.
1288
00:59:34.260 --> 00:59:37.019
I'm here with my assistant, Sonam Ovsessian, who, let's face it,
1289
00:59:37.090 --> 00:59:39.829
barely qualifies as an assistant at this point.
1290
00:59:40.050 --> 00:59:41.550
Jesus, that's good.
1291
00:59:42.050 --> 00:59:44.530
Oh, we're starting like this today? Okay, great.
1292
00:59:46.110 --> 00:59:47.389
It says laughs.
1293
00:59:48.170 --> 00:59:50.989
And we've got Matt Gorley, who I'm not sure what
1294
00:59:51.030 --> 00:59:53.809
you do exactly, Matt, but you're here and that's enough
1295
00:59:53.889 --> 00:59:54.269
for me.
1296
00:59:54.989 --> 00:59:57.190
That's really all anyone can ask of me, Conan. I'm
1297
00:59:57.210 --> 00:59:59.820
like a houseplant. Low maintenance, but occasionally you wonder why
1298
00:59:59.860 --> 01:00:00.429
I'm still here.
1299
01:00:00.840 --> 01:00:01.079
Right.
1300
01:00:01.320 --> 01:00:04.760
A houseplant that somehow manages to insult me every episode.
1301
01:00:04.840 --> 01:00:06.699
It's a delicate art, like bonsai.
1302
01:00:06.980 --> 01:00:10.519
Wait, hold on. Conan, are you complaining about someone insulting you?
1303
01:00:10.860 --> 01:00:11.780
You? Mr.
1304
01:00:11.900 --> 01:00:14.800
I-never-go-more-than-ten-seconds-without-roasting-someone?
1305
01:00:15.269 --> 01:00:17.730
Well, Sona, it's different when I do it. I'm a
1306
01:00:17.789 --> 01:00:22.960
master of the form. It's like Michelangelo chiseling David. When
1307
01:00:23.039 --> 01:00:25.739
Matt does it, it's more like dot, dot, dot, someone
1308
01:00:25.780 --> 01:00:27.920
trying to fix a broken lawnmower with a fork.
1309
01:00:28.260 --> 01:00:30.800
Wow, I can actually picture that. Just jam the fork
1310
01:00:30.840 --> 01:00:32.389
into the carburetor and hope for the best.
1311
01:00:34.309 --> 01:00:36.829
This metaphor has already gone off the rails, but now
1312
01:00:36.869 --> 01:00:40.409
I'm invested in Matt's lawnmower repair business. Matt, would you
1313
01:00:40.449 --> 01:00:42.769
wear coveralls with your name embroidered on them?
1314
01:00:42.889 --> 01:00:43.590
Oh, absolutely.
1315
01:00:43.690 --> 01:00:46.250
And they'd be oddly clean for someone who fixes lawnmowers.
1316
01:00:46.489 --> 01:00:51.949
Okay, okay. We need to focus. When did I become
1317
01:00:52.360 --> 01:00:54.380
the angry dad in a sitcom?
1318
01:00:54.480 --> 01:00:56.639
I think because you say that often before you introduce
1319
01:00:56.679 --> 01:00:57.039
the guest.
1320
01:00:57.119 --> 01:00:58.260
Okay, we need to focus.
1321
01:00:58.280 --> 01:01:00.639
Can we talk about something that matters, like how I
1322
01:01:00.699 --> 01:01:02.829
think I would make a phenomenal Disney prince?
1323
01:01:03.510 --> 01:01:03.809
What?
1324
01:01:04.230 --> 01:01:04.530
No.
1325
01:01:05.309 --> 01:01:07.849
This is the kind of fantasy we're really diving into today, huh?
1326
01:01:08.369 --> 01:01:10.829
Yes, I've thought about it. Imagine me in a forest,
1327
01:01:10.869 --> 01:01:13.050
maybe singing, birds landing on my shoulders.
1328
01:01:13.250 --> 01:01:15.090
The birds would immediately fly away.
1329
01:01:15.170 --> 01:01:17.170
And probably sue you for emotional distress.
1330
01:01:17.650 --> 01:01:20.289
This is why I can't have a real conversation with
1331
01:01:20.309 --> 01:01:22.710
you two. I'm just trying to picture myself in a
1332
01:01:22.769 --> 01:01:26.110
soft velvet tunic, crooning to a doe-eyed woodland creature, and
1333
01:01:26.130 --> 01:01:27.010
you're ruining it.
1334
01:01:27.389 --> 01:01:30.210
Listen, if a woodland creature saw you coming, it would
1335
01:01:30.230 --> 01:01:32.369
just pretend to be a rock until you left.
1336
01:01:33.639 --> 01:01:34.409
That's pretty good.
1337
01:01:35.050 --> 01:01:36.119
You know what? Forget it.
1338
01:01:36.389 --> 01:01:38.269
I'm going to write my own animated film where I'm
1339
01:01:38.309 --> 01:01:40.469
the prince and you two are cursed objects that follow
1340
01:01:40.510 --> 01:01:41.760
me around but can't speak.
1341
01:01:41.840 --> 01:01:42.099
Great.
1342
01:01:42.179 --> 01:01:44.940
I'd love to play an old broken lawnmower. It seems fitting.
1343
01:01:46.139 --> 01:01:47.059
I'll be a fork.
1344
01:01:47.300 --> 01:01:49.699
Perfect. Now that's a movie.
1345
01:01:50.139 --> 01:01:50.260
End.
1346
01:01:50.619 --> 01:01:53.110
You know what I'm going to say? This is usable.
1347
01:01:53.280 --> 01:01:54.610
It's not too far off.
1348
01:01:54.889 --> 01:01:58.210
No. I mean, they got our dynamic right, which is
1349
01:01:58.269 --> 01:02:03.309
that I am clearly chat GPT knows that I'm an egomaniac.
1350
01:02:03.389 --> 01:02:03.610
Yeah.
1351
01:02:03.690 --> 01:02:03.969
Yeah.
1352
01:02:04.380 --> 01:02:05.639
I need to be in control.
1353
01:02:05.659 --> 01:02:08.659
I have crazy flights of fancy and that you two
1354
01:02:08.880 --> 01:02:16.519
are kind of quizzical about my lyrical and verbal misadventures.
1355
01:02:16.699 --> 01:02:17.000
Right.
1356
01:02:17.380 --> 01:02:19.119
The great thing about this is that you can go
1357
01:02:19.159 --> 01:02:21.929
back and do revisions using tweaks. And I made a tweak,
1358
01:02:22.030 --> 01:02:24.360
something that you and I have long been wanting on
1359
01:02:24.389 --> 01:02:24.909
this show.
1360
01:02:25.210 --> 01:02:27.130
So I hear what it is and just we guess
1361
01:02:27.150 --> 01:02:27.670
what it is later.
1362
01:02:27.690 --> 01:02:28.130
Yeah.
1363
01:02:28.590 --> 01:02:28.929
Okay.
1364
01:02:29.269 --> 01:02:31.920
Upbeat music fades out. All right, we're back, and today
1365
01:02:31.960 --> 01:02:33.900
I'm going to do something a little different. No jokes,
1366
01:02:33.980 --> 01:02:34.619
no roasts.
1367
01:02:35.360 --> 01:02:35.750
Roasts.
1368
01:02:36.090 --> 01:02:37.510
Just straight-up sincerity.
1369
01:02:37.630 --> 01:02:38.989
Hold on, is this a trap?
1370
01:02:39.070 --> 01:02:40.969
Yeah, Conan being nice, I'm suspicious.
1371
01:02:41.230 --> 01:02:43.050
I assure you, it's not a trap. I just want
1372
01:02:43.070 --> 01:02:44.719
to take a moment to say how truly amazing you
1373
01:02:44.760 --> 01:02:45.199
both are.
1374
01:02:45.539 --> 01:02:48.480
Wow, this is unexpected. Did you hit your head on something?
1375
01:02:48.820 --> 01:02:52.059
No, no head injuries. Just a genuine appreciation. Sona, you
1376
01:02:52.099 --> 01:02:54.760
are the most indispensable part of this show. Your wit,
1377
01:02:54.889 --> 01:02:57.369
your timing, and even your ability to keep me in check.
1378
01:02:57.530 --> 01:02:58.510
It's all invaluable.
1379
01:02:59.289 --> 01:02:59.730
Oh, okay.
1380
01:02:59.769 --> 01:03:02.510
Now I'm really suspicious. Are you planning to fire us
1381
01:03:02.590 --> 01:03:03.829
and need to soften the blow?
1382
01:03:03.849 --> 01:03:07.239
You don't talk that way. No, no. I mean it.
1383
01:03:07.570 --> 01:03:09.840
You're the glue that holds everything together. The fact that
1384
01:03:09.860 --> 01:03:11.960
you handle all the chaos with such grace and humor
1385
01:03:11.980 --> 01:03:13.199
is nothing short of remarkable.
1386
01:03:13.440 --> 01:03:15.829
Oh. I'm feeling pretty good about this, but I'll wait
1387
01:03:15.849 --> 01:03:16.809
for the other shoe to drop.
1388
01:03:17.070 --> 01:03:20.210
And Matt, let me tell you, your creativity and humor
1389
01:03:20.269 --> 01:03:23.199
are beyond impressive. You bring such a unique energy to
1390
01:03:23.239 --> 01:03:25.940
this show. Your ability to turn a simple conversation into
1391
01:03:25.960 --> 01:03:27.780
something special is a rare talent.
1392
01:03:28.000 --> 01:03:29.969
Thanks, Conan. I don't think I've ever heard you speak
1393
01:03:29.989 --> 01:03:32.650
like this before. I'm almost waiting for a punchline.
1394
01:03:33.030 --> 01:03:36.909
There's no punchline, I promise. You're both incredible at what
1395
01:03:36.949 --> 01:03:40.639
you do. Matt, your insights and quick wit elevate every conversation.
1396
01:03:40.780 --> 01:03:43.980
And Sona, your ability to keep everything grounded and running
1397
01:03:44.039 --> 01:03:47.630
smoothly is unmatched. And let's not forget, while we do
1398
01:03:47.690 --> 01:03:51.219
have our moments of roasting each other, it's all part
1399
01:03:51.239 --> 01:03:52.550
of what makes this show work.
1400
01:03:52.739 --> 01:03:54.940
Your contributions are crucial to our success.
1401
01:03:55.400 --> 01:03:57.840
I guess this is a nice change of pace. I'm
1402
01:03:57.880 --> 01:03:59.900
almost feeling warm and fuzzy inside.
1403
01:04:00.019 --> 01:04:00.420
Me too.
1404
01:04:00.500 --> 01:04:02.380
Almost makes me want to give you a hug, Conan.
1405
01:04:04.159 --> 01:04:04.739
Easy there.
1406
01:04:05.079 --> 01:04:07.639
No hugging required. I just wanted to make sure you
1407
01:04:07.699 --> 01:04:10.280
both know how much I appreciate you. This is a
1408
01:04:10.360 --> 01:04:14.630
team effort, and I couldn't do it without you. Now
1409
01:04:14.690 --> 01:04:16.809
let's get back to doing what we do best, having
1410
01:04:16.889 --> 01:04:18.010
fun and making people laugh.
1411
01:04:18.380 --> 01:04:20.380
And who knows, maybe next time I'll try to be
1412
01:04:20.420 --> 01:04:20.980
nice again.
1413
01:04:21.119 --> 01:04:22.519
We'll hold you to that.
1414
01:04:22.739 --> 01:04:25.619
Absolutely. And if not, we'll just keep roasting you until
1415
01:04:25.639 --> 01:04:26.340
you come around.
1416
01:04:27.599 --> 01:04:29.840
Deal. Now let's get back to the show.
1417
01:04:29.889 --> 01:04:30.010
Yay!
1418
01:04:30.030 --> 01:04:30.119
Yay!
1419
01:04:32.219 --> 01:04:33.840
That was a good edit, Matt.
1420
01:04:33.880 --> 01:04:34.639
Yeah. Thank you.
1421
01:04:34.719 --> 01:04:35.619
That was the best.
1422
01:04:35.679 --> 01:04:36.639
That was awful.
1423
01:04:38.039 --> 01:04:39.639
Did it hurt you to say that stuff?
1424
01:04:39.699 --> 01:04:41.199
Oh, no, no, not at all. You know, I love
1425
01:04:41.239 --> 01:04:42.539
you both. But it is funny.
1426
01:04:42.679 --> 01:04:48.420
It's because chat GPT does pick up on the intent
1427
01:04:48.460 --> 01:04:51.050
and the rhythm. And then but it's it's that thing
1428
01:04:51.070 --> 01:04:56.110
I've always said. It's an alien who's seen pictures of hamburgers. only,
1429
01:04:56.210 --> 01:04:58.010
and then made a hamburger and you bite into it
1430
01:04:58.050 --> 01:05:00.420
and you're like, there's something very wrong here. And the
1431
01:05:00.500 --> 01:05:03.659
alien would say, no, it is hamburger, just as I
1432
01:05:03.679 --> 01:05:05.559
have seen it in over 10 billion images.
1433
01:05:05.579 --> 01:05:10.300
I'm like, I know it just doesn't. Quiet, human! Tis hamburger! Wait,
1434
01:05:10.340 --> 01:05:12.670
why are you using Elizabethan language if you're an alien?
1435
01:05:12.929 --> 01:05:14.309
Elizabethan alien!
1436
01:05:14.329 --> 01:05:18.429
We got one more with just a final tweak. Nothing
1437
01:05:18.469 --> 01:05:18.989
too important.
1438
01:05:19.250 --> 01:05:19.670
Okay.
1439
01:05:19.809 --> 01:05:22.349
I'm actually really enjoying these a lot. I think they're
1440
01:05:22.369 --> 01:05:22.849
really fun.
1441
01:05:23.090 --> 01:05:25.099
Upbeat music fades out and action.
1442
01:05:25.280 --> 01:05:25.619
All right.
1443
01:05:25.659 --> 01:05:26.480
Welcome back to the show.
1444
01:05:26.519 --> 01:05:29.559
Today, we're diving into two of the most iconic franchises
1445
01:05:29.599 --> 01:05:30.980
in cinema history, James.
1446
01:05:30.719 --> 01:05:31.800
Bond and Star Wars.
1447
01:05:32.139 --> 01:05:32.619
Okay.
1448
01:05:32.820 --> 01:05:33.659
Oh, fuck you.
1449
01:05:33.920 --> 01:05:36.130
I've got Sonam Ovsessian and Matt Corley here, and we're
1450
01:05:36.150 --> 01:05:38.150
about to geek out over some classic favorites.
1451
01:05:38.610 --> 01:05:41.110
Oh, I'm so ready for this. I mean, who doesn't
1452
01:05:41.190 --> 01:05:44.949
love James Bond and Star Wars? They're practically the definition
1453
01:05:45.010 --> 01:05:48.030
of cool. I've been a Bond fan since I was
1454
01:05:48.090 --> 01:05:51.920
a kid. There's something so thrilling about those high stakes
1455
01:05:52.039 --> 01:05:55.260
missions and the gadget. And don't get me started on
1456
01:05:55.340 --> 01:05:58.780
Star Wars. It's a galaxy far, far away. And that's
1457
01:05:58.860 --> 01:06:00.840
just endlessly fascinating.
1458
01:06:01.059 --> 01:06:03.159
By the way, that sound you hear is Chachi PT
1459
01:06:03.590 --> 01:06:06.579
shooting itself. I can't take it.
1460
01:06:06.699 --> 01:06:08.059
This is bullshit. Right.
1461
01:06:08.300 --> 01:06:10.300
I think the cool factor is the big draw for both.
1462
01:06:10.480 --> 01:06:13.199
Bonsoir style and Star Wars epic space adventures. It's like
1463
01:06:13.219 --> 01:06:15.380
the ultimate mix of sophistication and imagination.
1464
01:06:15.800 --> 01:06:16.360
Absolutely.
1465
01:06:16.460 --> 01:06:19.969
I've always admired how Bon manages to look so effortlessly
1466
01:06:20.090 --> 01:06:23.250
classy while driving an Aston Martin off a cliff. And then,
1467
01:06:23.389 --> 01:06:26.510
of course, Star Wars gives us the Millennium Falcon and
1468
01:06:26.630 --> 01:06:27.829
lightsaber duels.
1469
01:06:28.130 --> 01:06:29.349
It's a great balance.
1470
01:06:29.630 --> 01:06:32.289
Speaking of gadgets, remember when Bond had that watch with
1471
01:06:32.329 --> 01:06:34.369
a laser in it? I wanted one so badly. And
1472
01:06:34.389 --> 01:06:37.389
then you've got Star Wars with droids like R2-D2 and BB-8.
1473
01:06:37.510 --> 01:06:39.389
Those are gadgets I'd really love to have.
1474
01:06:40.030 --> 01:06:42.130
Yeah, the idea of having a droid do your bidding
1475
01:06:42.170 --> 01:06:45.349
sounds amazing. Imagine having R2-D2 just follow you around, handling
1476
01:06:45.409 --> 01:06:47.429
all the annoying tasks.
1477
01:06:47.630 --> 01:06:49.250
Just imagine a crossover.
1478
01:06:49.369 --> 01:06:52.570
James Bond in space fighting off the Empire with a
1479
01:06:52.590 --> 01:06:53.760
martini in hand.
1480
01:06:54.250 --> 01:06:57.489
He'd definitely have some clever gadgets to disable the Death
1481
01:06:57.510 --> 01:06:59.989
Star's laser while wearing a perfectly tailored suit. No need
1482
01:07:00.010 --> 01:07:02.369
to thank me, just saving the galaxy in style. Oh
1483
01:07:02.389 --> 01:07:03.869
my God, does this keep going?
1484
01:07:03.889 --> 01:07:05.820
While we're at it, let's have a scene where Bond
1485
01:07:05.840 --> 01:07:08.079
teams up with Han Solo. They could have a high-speed
1486
01:07:08.119 --> 01:07:10.579
chase through an asteroid field with Bond's gadgets and Han's
1487
01:07:10.639 --> 01:07:11.480
piloting skills.
1488
01:07:11.780 --> 01:07:15.099
I'm already sold. Oh my God, there's a full page left.
1489
01:07:15.960 --> 01:07:19.440
I'm already sold. Bond and Han Solo, the ultimate dynamic duo.
1490
01:07:19.480 --> 01:07:20.860
And don't forget Chewbacca and Q.
1491
01:07:21.940 --> 01:07:24.559
You'd make a great team, too. Chewy, this is cute.
1492
01:07:24.579 --> 01:07:26.739
I've got some gadgets that will make your Wookiee roar.
1493
01:07:26.760 --> 01:07:29.980
And what about adding a little Star Wars flair to
1494
01:07:30.000 --> 01:07:31.090
Bond's arsenal?
1495
01:07:31.110 --> 01:07:32.159
Sona, why are you still trying?
1496
01:07:32.179 --> 01:07:35.309
A lightsaber watch, perhaps, or a droid that's also a
1497
01:07:35.389 --> 01:07:36.429
master of disguise.
1498
01:07:36.590 --> 01:07:37.250
Ha, ha, ha.
1499
01:07:37.289 --> 01:07:39.289
This crossover is getting better by the minute. I'm just
1500
01:07:39.349 --> 01:07:41.989
imagining the new catchphrase, Bond, Star Wars, Bond.
1501
01:07:42.320 --> 01:07:45.920
Perfect. It's got everything. Action, adventure, and a touch of
1502
01:07:46.039 --> 01:07:47.940
intergalactic sophistication.
1503
01:07:48.300 --> 01:07:50.179
And the best part is we get to imagine all
1504
01:07:50.219 --> 01:07:53.010
these epic scenarios while watching our favorite movies. It's like
1505
01:07:53.050 --> 01:07:54.610
the ultimate fan fantasy.
1506
01:07:55.090 --> 01:07:55.889
Absolutely.
1507
01:07:55.969 --> 01:07:59.570
Whether it's Bond's world of espionage or Star Wars epic
1508
01:07:59.630 --> 01:08:03.710
space battles, we're lucky to have such amazing universes to
1509
01:08:03.809 --> 01:08:04.889
dive into.
1510
01:08:05.610 --> 01:08:08.980
Here's to many more years of thrilling adventure.
1511
01:08:09.079 --> 01:08:09.519
Cheers.
1512
01:08:11.400 --> 01:08:14.139
A crossover a john james bond.
1513
01:08:13.940 --> 01:08:16.920
Star wars crossover did you say did you put into
1514
01:08:16.960 --> 01:08:19.560
chat chat gpt go way too long i i.
1515
01:08:21.189 --> 01:08:23.949
I edited this down believe it you edited this down.
1516
01:08:23.630 --> 01:08:26.630
I did yeah i didn't change any wording but i edited.
1517
01:08:26.149 --> 01:08:28.229
It down oh my god that was awful.
1518
01:08:27.970 --> 01:08:30.590
Yeah i think i just asked what if sona matt
1519
01:08:30.909 --> 01:08:34.100
and uh conan discussed james bond and star wars as
1520
01:08:34.149 --> 01:08:35.699
if they all liked it i have a.
1521
01:08:35.699 --> 01:08:38.399
Question AI is going to get very good at simulating
1522
01:08:38.420 --> 01:08:39.000
our voices soon.
1523
01:08:39.060 --> 01:08:39.640
It already has.
1524
01:08:39.659 --> 01:08:41.100
It's already good. It's done. Okay.
1525
01:08:41.239 --> 01:08:41.439
Yeah.
1526
01:08:41.699 --> 01:08:43.079
So what are we doing here?
1527
01:08:44.819 --> 01:08:47.020
Well, this is the content you're going to get.
1528
01:08:47.699 --> 01:08:48.359
You're okay with that?
1529
01:08:48.649 --> 01:08:49.560
No, not that.
1530
01:08:49.600 --> 01:08:52.170
But I mean, the first, no, the content isn't there yet,
1531
01:08:52.170 --> 01:08:53.750
but what are we, a year away?
1532
01:08:53.750 --> 01:08:56.689
When are we all being replaced? I'm sorry. When are
1533
01:08:56.689 --> 01:08:59.619
you all being replaced? As soon as you're ready. to
1534
01:08:59.659 --> 01:09:00.300
get all the money.
1535
01:09:00.359 --> 01:09:01.859
Do we get the check? Wait, we don't even get
1536
01:09:01.899 --> 01:09:02.399
the paycheck?
1537
01:09:02.460 --> 01:09:05.300
No, you get nothing. But it's our likeness. Well, I
1538
01:09:06.159 --> 01:09:06.640
don't know.
1539
01:09:06.760 --> 01:09:07.720
You gotta cough up.
1540
01:09:07.760 --> 01:09:10.779
No, didn't Scarlett O'Hara, Scarlett O'Hara.
1541
01:09:10.819 --> 01:09:11.550
Where is this going?
1542
01:09:11.850 --> 01:09:15.689
Jesus, where is that going? Scarlett O'Hara, huh? Where is
1543
01:09:15.750 --> 01:09:17.470
that headed? Where did that go?
1544
01:09:17.489 --> 01:09:19.949
Didn't Scarlett Johansson win a loss?
1545
01:09:19.970 --> 01:09:23.579
Johansson? Johansson? I've been up all night.
1546
01:09:23.619 --> 01:09:25.020
My daughter had me up all night.
1547
01:09:25.720 --> 01:09:26.460
Didn't Scarlett.
1548
01:09:26.819 --> 01:09:29.699
Johansson! Are you okay?
1549
01:09:29.720 --> 01:09:31.100
Oh my God.
1550
01:09:31.340 --> 01:09:33.760
This is the part ChatGPT can't recreate.
1551
01:09:33.819 --> 01:09:34.500
He's broken.
1552
01:09:34.539 --> 01:09:35.510
Human breaks.
1553
01:09:35.619 --> 01:09:35.899
Yes.
1554
01:09:36.210 --> 01:09:37.109
Humans....
1555
01:09:38.420 --> 01:09:40.760
Chat GPT doesn't understand. Yeah, I turned a computer on
1556
01:09:40.800 --> 01:09:42.300
at five in the morning. It doesn't give a shit.
1557
01:09:42.840 --> 01:09:44.039
It just does its job.
1558
01:09:44.199 --> 01:09:46.220
Didn't she win some court battle where they couldn't use
1559
01:09:46.260 --> 01:09:47.100
her voice in AI?
1560
01:09:47.180 --> 01:09:50.100
It's just her voice, but they said yes to everything else. Really? Yeah.
1561
01:09:50.649 --> 01:09:50.770
Us?
1562
01:09:50.789 --> 01:09:51.689
No, I'm lying.
1563
01:09:51.869 --> 01:09:53.529
Oh, I'm so sorry.
1564
01:09:53.750 --> 01:09:56.890
What court would say it's okay? You can't use Scarlett Johansson,
1565
01:09:56.909 --> 01:09:57.949
but you can use everyone else.
1566
01:09:58.670 --> 01:09:58.989
Yeah.
1567
01:09:59.310 --> 01:10:02.829
No, that would actually be my dream, is I just
1568
01:10:02.890 --> 01:10:05.189
do nothing, and then you have to send me a check.
1569
01:10:05.229 --> 01:10:12.359
Dream achieved. Mission accomplished, Banner. Pointed to the sky.
1570
01:10:12.399 --> 01:10:13.159
Four decades now.
1571
01:10:13.180 --> 01:10:15.239
I love Sona like, if there was only some way
1572
01:10:15.319 --> 01:10:20.619
I could give very little and still make money, oh boy,
1573
01:10:20.649 --> 01:10:25.430
maybe tomorrow. All right, everybody. There you go. That's a
1574
01:10:25.689 --> 01:10:28.439
sad look at the future. A sad, chilling look at
1575
01:10:28.460 --> 01:10:28.859
the future.
1576
01:10:28.920 --> 01:10:29.819
Our overlords.
1577
01:10:32.399 --> 01:10:36.170
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian,
1578
01:10:36.430 --> 01:10:40.550
and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced
1579
01:10:40.609 --> 01:10:44.319
by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song
1580
01:10:44.359 --> 01:10:47.420
by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
1581
01:10:47.439 --> 01:10:48.199
Take it away, Jimmy.
1582
01:10:48.220 --> 01:10:49.100
Take it away, Jimmy.
1583
01:10:52.720 --> 01:10:55.890
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent
1584
01:10:55.899 --> 01:10:59.630
producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez
1585
01:10:59.710 --> 01:11:03.670
and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent
1586
01:11:03.689 --> 01:11:06.890
booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You
1587
01:11:06.909 --> 01:11:09.479
can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and
1588
01:11:09.520 --> 01:11:12.060
you might find your review read on a future episode.
1589
01:11:12.439 --> 01:11:15.159
Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline
1590
01:11:15.199 --> 01:11:19.819
at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be
1591
01:11:19.859 --> 01:11:22.390
featured on a future episode. You can also get three
1592
01:11:22.449 --> 01:11:26.590
free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com
1593
01:11:26.649 --> 01:11:29.789
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1594
01:11:29.829 --> 01:11:33.630
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1595
01:11:49.029 --> 01:11:52.109
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