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The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
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This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the
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00:00:14,627 --> 00:00:16,527
fantastic Patreon patrons.
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Thank you! Why not join Paul, Kyle, Kalynn, and the other amazing individuals
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00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:26,567
who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.
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00:00:26,967 --> 00:00:30,467
This year's original 20 -chapter story is called Big Shot.
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To hear it from the beginning, go to comedy4cast .com/2023.
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And remember, comedy4cast is all one word, with the number four.
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Now here's Chapter 19. Now, you're projecting.
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Music.
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Previously in our story, practically everyone in Middlingfair and Grassssssside
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Greene had arrived at the Cine-Round-a-Dome Underground Drive -In Theater for
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the special world premiere of a film written by Danny Hillcrest.
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That was a sentence I never thought I would utter.
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The producer of the film, Perry J. Oshmont, was off making another movie,
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but told Danny that he had recorded a special message to be shown right before the movie.
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As this chapter begins, the signal has just been sent to start the movie.
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All around the Cine-Round-a-Dome, the ambient light dims.
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Ooh. I hope they show that candy rock band feature presentation trailer. I love it.
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Are we rolling? All is spoken with upbeat sincerity.
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Hello, I'm Perry J. Oshmont, producer of tonight's feature, Hold for Applause.
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This movie is dedicated to you, the good people of Middling Fair. Hold for reaction.
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And also to everyone in Grassssssside Greene. Hold for reaction.
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My Uber driver got a little lost on the way to the airport, and I was able to
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spend a few hair -raising hours in your special parcel of Hades.
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My experience in both your towns, a whole seven days ago, helped shape this
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very, very personal film.
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Well, that and a lot of notes from Matilda Klein -Miller, the Senior Vice President
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of Original Programming for the new Low Channel, now with more of everything.
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As a bonus, through the use of cutting -edge AI audio -cloning technology,
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we were able to put the voices of some of the people here tonight into the film.
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A genuine stroke of luck, especially when we got more notes on the dialogue
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last night from the new Low Channel and had to replace every last word uttered in the film.
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But enough of me. It is with great pleasure that I present to you what is still
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probably the story of a lovesmitten tree surgeon and the empowered female logger
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who changed his life forever.
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I Stanned Her Sawing There.
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Written by Chasm Valley's own Danny Hillcrest.
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The film opens with an atmospheric night shot. We see a sign attached to an
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imposing -looking chain -link fence.
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The sign reads, Chasm Valley Forest. No Trespassing.
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Slowly the camera moves up, bringing into focus a barren, rolling landscape lit only by moonlight.
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In the distance, atop the tallest hill, we see a single oak tree.
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Through a series of nearly motionless shots that dissolve one to the next,
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we inch our way closer to that lone tree.
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At last we can make out two figures standing at the base of the tree.
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We are close enough to hear what they are saying. Suzanne, if you've ever loved me, you won't do this.
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You may have won my heart, Charles, but I still have mouths to feed,
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and those cats can get vicious when they're hungry, especially the Tabby.
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You don't understand. The roots of this last tree are now the only thing that's
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keeping one whole side of this valley together I'm sorry Charles,
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but I have to do it Miss Fuzzy Paws has that look in her eye besides Grassssssside
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Greene should be used to disasters by now. Timber.
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The scene fades and an old -style newsreel begins News of the Valley.
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Music.
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♪♪
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Middling Fair. Peaceful, serene, some would even say bland.
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Middling Fair, home to a thousand dreams and a few nasty nightmares undoubtedly
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caused by late -night snacking.
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It was here that the rest of the world came to forget their cares,
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and sometimes their car keys. But this paradise's days were numbered,
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and it all began with a simple toothpick.
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These pint -sized spears had become all the rage in Middling Fair.
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Thousands of petite pointies, used and discarded on a daily basis.
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It was a craze that could be traced back to the town's luxury eating without lighting.
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Les restaurants sont lampés!
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I'm so glad you decided to join me for dinner, Suzanne.
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And what a perfect choice. We don't have fancy places like this in Grassssssside Greene.
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It was hard to resist your offer, Charles. You're very persistent.
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You know, borderline creepy, but not. I was impressed. That's a fine line to walk.
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Us tree surgeons are known for our particular set of skills.
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Oh, says the logger. Do tell. Pardon the interruption of your verbal foreplay,
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but here are your hors d 'oeuvres.
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And of course, a complimentary toothpick for each of you.
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You're still handing these out? Damn it, Francois! Don't you realize you've
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sparked a toothpick craze here in Middling Fair?
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Suddenly everyone wants toothpicks, toothpicks, toothpicks! Toothpicks with
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breakfast, toothpicks with lunch, and yes, even toothpicks with dinner! What about snacks?
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François! Besides, how is this a bad thing? That's what I want to know.
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Look, cutting down trees so people can buy tiny wood splinters to jab between
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their teeth puts bread on my table.
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Je suis désolé, but we do not offer the unlimited baguettes.
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The Middling Fair forest is dying, and toothpicks are the cause.
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I think our meal here is done.
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And so, it seems, is our relationship.
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The warnings of dire consequences from noted pain in the butt,
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tree surgeon Dr. Charles Greenwood, went unheeded.
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More and more trees were felled in a futile attempt to keep up with ever -increasing
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public demand. Soon, the forest began to disappear.
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In the search for more wood, no stone was left untoined - turned.
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No tunnel left unexplored. You want to chop out the tree roots that are in the
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ceiling of this cave? Yep.
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That's prime -toothed pig stock right there. I'm willing to pay you top dollar.
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I'll be rich?
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Thank goodness I let media genius Andy Miltest put that picture of the caves on social media.
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The one labeled, our roots are showing? That's the one.
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Wait! Don't do it! These roots are important. They're like the tongues of the tree!
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Eww! Now I want them out of here more than ever.
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Yuck! Too bad, Dr. Downer.
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Now if you will excuse me, as my dentist always says, I have roots to remove.
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Every bit of wood was quickly shredded, sharpened, and sent to market to put
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more toothpicks on the table.
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Dejected, he couldn't even convince his acquaintance and would -be lover,
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logger Suzanne Pine, that danger lay ahead.
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Tree surgeon Greenwood fell back on his old addiction to vending machines.
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I never thought I'd see you back in here again.
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Yeah, Doc. I thought you swore off the slots. I did, but...
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Women. Am I right? Tell me about it.
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What was that, Gerald? Oh, nothing.
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So, you two kids are having a spat? Yeah.
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She's a logger who's doing what she has to do.
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And I'm a tree surgeon who loves her but must stop her in order to save the town. Classic log line.
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I'm sure you two can work it out if you try, but you can't do it.
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Just standing here All this place will do is give you a case of the vends. You're
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right Thanks, everyone!
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Do you want a bag for all of that? How about a toothpick?
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But the best of intentions would not be enough to save this earthly Arcadia.
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Logger Pine had already reached the security fence protecting Middling Fair's
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last remaining tree, accompanied by Professor Bart, known anonymous shadowy
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figure dealing in replica trees.
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All right, sister. I'm here, and I brought my delivery van full of fake trees with me.
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What's up? I have to chop down that tree out there. Do you have one that looks
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like it? Sure thing. Good.
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After I chop down the tree, I'm going to replace it with your replica.
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Wait here. No problem. You're the boss of this situation.
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Is that your truck over there? Bart, The Repro Tree Pro guy? Yeah, that's me. Lucky me!
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Do you have a tree that looks like that one out there?
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Yeah, I do, but I should have brought more. They seem to be very popular all of a sudden.
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I'm going to transplant that one out there over to Grassssssside Greene and replace it with your
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replica. Wait here! No problem. You're the second boss, boss.
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Suzanne, if you've ever loved me, you won't do this.
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You may have won my heart, Charles, but I still have mouths to feed.
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And those cats can get vicious when they're hungry.
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Especially the Tabby. You don't understand. The roots of this last tree are
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now the only thing that's keeping one whole side of this valley together.
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I'm sorry, Charles, but I have to do it.
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Miss Fuzzy Paws has that look in her eye. Besides, Grassssssside Greene should
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be used to disasters by now.
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But... Timber!
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The roots don't run under Grassssssside Greene.
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They're right here, under Middling Fair!
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Run!
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Music.
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The destruction was catastrophic. Buildings toppled, roadways collapsed,
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fruit carts burst into flames.
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Even the fabled Samothrace Arms Hotel that once welcomed presidents,
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kings, queens, and the occasional Shriners' Convention crumbled to the ground.
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What followed was nothing less than 30 minutes of total anarchy.
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Stock footage of nuclear explosions, earthquakes, the sinking of the Titanic,
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a squirrel water skiing in a pool. It was all there, mostly in color.
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Then, as the devastation finally begins to wane...
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In a montage of mayhem, Middling Fair vanished from the map.
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Total cost? No one but the insurance companies can say.
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Oh, Charles. Middling Fair, it's gone. Not as long as we remember it by re -watching
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this movie again and again.
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Now, come on, let's go grab a meal in Grassssssside Greene.
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But Charles, we can't. The restaurants are all closed. Why? It's Arbor Day.
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Music.
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The End. The silence was deafening.
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Basically, I don't think anyone liked it.
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I knew it. It's a riot. Quick, soldier, to the crawler! Yes, sir!
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Like, hold on. Nomad 451 just sent an instant message.
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He says to check social media. Everyone except Detective Haartte pulls out their
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cell phone to see what is happening online.
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Technology. Who needs it? They're amazed by the things they are reading. Is all of this correct?
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Like, what a great movie.
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At last, grass side green is not the catastrophe in the canyon.
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Someone just erased Middling Fair on film.
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Hashtag justice for G. Greene.
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Everyone from Grasss...
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sssside Greene loves this thing. Because their town is the one left standing at the end.
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Like, I think Danny's a hero.
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At least to, like, Grass... Side Green. Is Cindy correct?
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For that answer and more, be sure to come back for the final installment in this year's story.
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Part 20, Wiping the Slate Clean.
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Like the show? To help support it for as little as a dollar a month,
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go to patreon.com/comedy4cast.
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All one word with the number four. As a way of saying thanks,
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you'll get episodes before everyone else, plus behind the scenes notes and exclusive content.
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Thank you! In this episode, as Perry J. Ashmont, Grant Johnson, voicegranted .com.
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As Charles, John Bell, from the Bells in the Batfry podcast, thebatfry.com.
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As Suzanne, Madison Hatfield. As the maitre d', Nathan Alvord.
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As Cindy, Connie, and Sally, Bonnie Kenderdine.
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As The Soldier, Craig Stepp, from the Technorama podcast, chuckchat .com/technorama
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and the Topic is Trek podcast, thetopicistrek .com.
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And the narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers, garyjchambersvo .com.
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Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord,
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copyright 2023, all rights reserved.
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See you next time. See you next time, but for now, that's it,
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we're done done done done done!
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Music.
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The comedy4cast network. Let's dog ear that for now.
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This is the 2023 comedy4cast Podcast Spectacular, brought to you by the
3
00:00:14,627 --> 00:00:16,527
fantastic Patreon patrons.
4
00:00:17,167 --> 00:00:23,287
Thank you! Why not join Paul, Kyle, Kalynn, and the other amazing individuals
5
00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:26,567
who support the show for as little as a dollar a month.
6
00:00:26,967 --> 00:00:30,467
This year's original 20 -chapter story is called Big Shot.
7
00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:35,427
To hear it from the beginning, go to comedy4cast .com/2023.
8
00:00:35,507 --> 00:00:42,207
And remember, comedy4cast is all one word, with the number four.
9
00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:47,200
Now here's Chapter 19. Now, you're projecting.
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Music.
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Previously in our story, practically everyone in Middlingfair and Grassssssside
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Greene had arrived at the Cine-Round-a-Dome Underground Drive -In Theater for
13
00:01:24,027 --> 00:01:27,847
the special world premiere of a film written by Danny Hillcrest.
14
00:01:28,627 --> 00:01:31,347
That was a sentence I never thought I would utter.
15
00:01:32,587 --> 00:01:36,867
The producer of the film, Perry J. Oshmont, was off making another movie,
16
00:01:37,247 --> 00:01:41,867
but told Danny that he had recorded a special message to be shown right before the movie.
17
00:01:42,207 --> 00:01:46,467
As this chapter begins, the signal has just been sent to start the movie.
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All around the Cine-Round-a-Dome, the ambient light dims.
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Ooh. I hope they show that candy rock band feature presentation trailer. I love it.
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Are we rolling? All is spoken with upbeat sincerity.
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Hello, I'm Perry J. Oshmont, producer of tonight's feature, Hold for Applause.
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This movie is dedicated to you, the good people of Middling Fair. Hold for reaction.
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And also to everyone in Grassssssside Greene. Hold for reaction.
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My Uber driver got a little lost on the way to the airport, and I was able to
25
00:03:13,910 --> 00:03:18,230
spend a few hair -raising hours in your special parcel of Hades.
26
00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:23,890
My experience in both your towns, a whole seven days ago, helped shape this
27
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:26,830
very, very personal film.
28
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:32,070
Well, that and a lot of notes from Matilda Klein -Miller, the Senior Vice President
29
00:03:32,150 --> 00:03:36,470
of Original Programming for the new Low Channel, now with more of everything.
30
00:03:36,910 --> 00:03:41,190
As a bonus, through the use of cutting -edge AI audio -cloning technology,
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we were able to put the voices of some of the people here tonight into the film.
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A genuine stroke of luck, especially when we got more notes on the dialogue
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last night from the new Low Channel and had to replace every last word uttered in the film.
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But enough of me. It is with great pleasure that I present to you what is still
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probably the story of a lovesmitten tree surgeon and the empowered female logger
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who changed his life forever.
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I Stanned Her Sawing There.
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Written by Chasm Valley's own Danny Hillcrest.
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The film opens with an atmospheric night shot. We see a sign attached to an
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imposing -looking chain -link fence.
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The sign reads, Chasm Valley Forest. No Trespassing.
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Slowly the camera moves up, bringing into focus a barren, rolling landscape lit only by moonlight.
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In the distance, atop the tallest hill, we see a single oak tree.
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Through a series of nearly motionless shots that dissolve one to the next,
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we inch our way closer to that lone tree.
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At last we can make out two figures standing at the base of the tree.
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We are close enough to hear what they are saying. Suzanne, if you've ever loved me, you won't do this.
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You may have won my heart, Charles, but I still have mouths to feed,
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and those cats can get vicious when they're hungry, especially the Tabby.
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You don't understand. The roots of this last tree are now the only thing that's
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keeping one whole side of this valley together I'm sorry Charles,
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but I have to do it Miss Fuzzy Paws has that look in her eye besides Grassssssside
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Greene should be used to disasters by now. Timber.
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The scene fades and an old -style newsreel begins News of the Valley.
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Music.
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♪♪
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Middling Fair. Peaceful, serene, some would even say bland.
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Middling Fair, home to a thousand dreams and a few nasty nightmares undoubtedly
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caused by late -night snacking.
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It was here that the rest of the world came to forget their cares,
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and sometimes their car keys. But this paradise's days were numbered,
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and it all began with a simple toothpick.
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These pint -sized spears had become all the rage in Middling Fair.
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Thousands of petite pointies, used and discarded on a daily basis.
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It was a craze that could be traced back to the town's luxury eating without lighting.
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Les restaurants sont lampés!
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I'm so glad you decided to join me for dinner, Suzanne.
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And what a perfect choice. We don't have fancy places like this in Grassssssside Greene.
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It was hard to resist your offer, Charles. You're very persistent.
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You know, borderline creepy, but not. I was impressed. That's a fine line to walk.
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Us tree surgeons are known for our particular set of skills.
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Oh, says the logger. Do tell. Pardon the interruption of your verbal foreplay,
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but here are your hors d 'oeuvres.
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And of course, a complimentary toothpick for each of you.
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You're still handing these out? Damn it, Francois! Don't you realize you've
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sparked a toothpick craze here in Middling Fair?
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Suddenly everyone wants toothpicks, toothpicks, toothpicks! Toothpicks with
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breakfast, toothpicks with lunch, and yes, even toothpicks with dinner! What about snacks?
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François! Besides, how is this a bad thing? That's what I want to know.
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Look, cutting down trees so people can buy tiny wood splinters to jab between
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their teeth puts bread on my table.
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Je suis désolé, but we do not offer the unlimited baguettes.
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The Middling Fair forest is dying, and toothpicks are the cause.
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I think our meal here is done.
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And so, it seems, is our relationship.
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The warnings of dire consequences from noted pain in the butt,
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tree surgeon Dr. Charles Greenwood, went unheeded.
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More and more trees were felled in a futile attempt to keep up with ever -increasing
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public demand. Soon, the forest began to disappear.
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In the search for more wood, no stone was left untoined - turned.
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No tunnel left unexplored. You want to chop out the tree roots that are in the
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ceiling of this cave? Yep.
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That's prime -toothed pig stock right there. I'm willing to pay you top dollar.
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I'll be rich?
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Thank goodness I let media genius Andy Miltest put that picture of the caves on social media.
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The one labeled, our roots are showing? That's the one.
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Wait! Don't do it! These roots are important. They're like the tongues of the tree!
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Eww! Now I want them out of here more than ever.
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Yuck! Too bad, Dr. Downer.
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Now if you will excuse me, as my dentist always says, I have roots to remove.
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Every bit of wood was quickly shredded, sharpened, and sent to market to put
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more toothpicks on the table.
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Dejected, he couldn't even convince his acquaintance and would -be lover,
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logger Suzanne Pine, that danger lay ahead.
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Tree surgeon Greenwood fell back on his old addiction to vending machines.
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I never thought I'd see you back in here again.
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Yeah, Doc. I thought you swore off the slots. I did, but...
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Women. Am I right? Tell me about it.
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What was that, Gerald? Oh, nothing.
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So, you two kids are having a spat? Yeah.
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She's a logger who's doing what she has to do.
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And I'm a tree surgeon who loves her but must stop her in order to save the town. Classic log line.
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I'm sure you two can work it out if you try, but you can't do it.
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Just standing here All this place will do is give you a case of the vends. You're
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right Thanks, everyone!
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Do you want a bag for all of that? How about a toothpick?
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But the best of intentions would not be enough to save this earthly Arcadia.
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Logger Pine had already reached the security fence protecting Middling Fair's
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last remaining tree, accompanied by Professor Bart, known anonymous shadowy
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figure dealing in replica trees.
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All right, sister. I'm here, and I brought my delivery van full of fake trees with me.
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What's up? I have to chop down that tree out there. Do you have one that looks
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like it? Sure thing. Good.
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After I chop down the tree, I'm going to replace it with your replica.
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Wait here. No problem. You're the boss of this situation.
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Is that your truck over there? Bart, The Repro Tree Pro guy? Yeah, that's me. Lucky me!
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Do you have a tree that looks like that one out there?
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Yeah, I do, but I should have brought more. They seem to be very popular all of a sudden.
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I'm going to transplant that one out there over to Grassssssside Greene and replace it with your
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replica. Wait here! No problem. You're the second boss, boss.
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Suzanne, if you've ever loved me, you won't do this.
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You may have won my heart, Charles, but I still have mouths to feed.
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And those cats can get vicious when they're hungry.
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Especially the Tabby. You don't understand. The roots of this last tree are
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now the only thing that's keeping one whole side of this valley together.
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I'm sorry, Charles, but I have to do it.
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Miss Fuzzy Paws has that look in her eye. Besides, Grassssssside Greene should
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be used to disasters by now.
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But... Timber!
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The roots don't run under Grassssssside Greene.
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They're right here, under Middling Fair!
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Run!
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Music.
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The destruction was catastrophic. Buildings toppled, roadways collapsed,
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fruit carts burst into flames.
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Even the fabled Samothrace Arms Hotel that once welcomed presidents,
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kings, queens, and the occasional Shriners' Convention crumbled to the ground.
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What followed was nothing less than 30 minutes of total anarchy.
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Stock footage of nuclear explosions, earthquakes, the sinking of the Titanic,
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a squirrel water skiing in a pool. It was all there, mostly in color.
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Then, as the devastation finally begins to wane...
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In a montage of mayhem, Middling Fair vanished from the map.
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Total cost? No one but the insurance companies can say.
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Oh, Charles. Middling Fair, it's gone. Not as long as we remember it by re -watching
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this movie again and again.
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Now, come on, let's go grab a meal in Grassssssside Greene.
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But Charles, we can't. The restaurants are all closed. Why? It's Arbor Day.
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Music.
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The End. The silence was deafening.
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Basically, I don't think anyone liked it.
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I knew it. It's a riot. Quick, soldier, to the crawler! Yes, sir!
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Like, hold on. Nomad 451 just sent an instant message.
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He says to check social media. Everyone except Detective Haartte pulls out their
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cell phone to see what is happening online.
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Technology. Who needs it? They're amazed by the things they are reading. Is all of this correct?
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Like, what a great movie.
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At last, grass side green is not the catastrophe in the canyon.
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Someone just erased Middling Fair on film.
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Hashtag justice for G. Greene.
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Everyone from Grasss...
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sssside Greene loves this thing. Because their town is the one left standing at the end.
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Like, I think Danny's a hero.
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At least to, like, Grass... Side Green. Is Cindy correct?
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For that answer and more, be sure to come back for the final installment in this year's story.
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Part 20, Wiping the Slate Clean.
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Like the show? To help support it for as little as a dollar a month,
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go to patreon.com/comedy4cast.
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All one word with the number four. As a way of saying thanks,
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you'll get episodes before everyone else, plus behind the scenes notes and exclusive content.
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Thank you! In this episode, as Perry J. Ashmont, Grant Johnson, voicegranted .com.
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As Charles, John Bell, from the Bells in the Batfry podcast, thebatfry.com.
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As Suzanne, Madison Hatfield. As the maitre d', Nathan Alvord.
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As Cindy, Connie, and Sally, Bonnie Kenderdine.
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As The Soldier, Craig Stepp, from the Technorama podcast, chuckchat .com/technorama
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and the Topic is Trek podcast, thetopicistrek .com.
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And the narrator was played by Gary J. Chambers, garyjchambersvo .com.
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Additional voices, as well as story and music by Clinton Alvord,
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copyright 2023, all rights reserved.
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See you next time. See you next time, but for now, that's it,
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we're done done done done done!
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Music.
