00:00:02
Speaker 1: Comedy Saved Me. Hey everyone, Welcome back to Comedy Saved Me. I'm Lynn Hoffman, and today's guest has spent her career proving that the most painful moments in life make the best material ever, which is exactly what she's done with her brand new book. My guest today is Kelsey Dara, content creator, writer, filmmaker, comedian, and Amazon best selling author.
00:00:26
Speaker 2: Offer that's a offer, Offer, Jesse Bezos, give me money.
00:00:30
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:00:30
Speaker 1: Of her first book, Joan Effing Panic, the shit they don't tell you in therapy about anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and depression, which amazing in and of itself. She has a brand new book out though, called Don't Do What I Did, break Up and Bounce Back. She's gonna top her first bestseller with another bestseller. This isn't your typical healing journey book. By the way. It's brutally honest, laugh out loud, funny as she always is, and throws out basically everything the self help world has told you about healing, just tosses it aside. Kelsey Blend's comedy memoir with real psychology and practical advice to walk readers through heartbreak and instead of romanticizing the loser who broke your heart. She shows you how to actually rebuild your life. Yes, it's true, you can. She's referred to as the Big Sister of mental health on the Internet. This is so cool, and she's built one of the most engaged mental health communities on TikTok and Instagram with get this, an average of fourteen million views for each video she posts. This is insane. The hysterically funny, uplifting, inspiring Kelsey Darra coming up next on coming to Save Me? Are you excited?
00:01:39
Speaker 2: That was really fun? Listen?
00:01:42
Speaker 1: Are you impressed with yourself? That's what I want to know.
00:01:44
Speaker 2: I was like, oh my god, I think I needed that, Like the Lexapro wasn't hitting as herd today and I think you just save me the top up off serotonin. Then I need it because now I'm like, I'm horny for myself.
00:01:55
Speaker 1: Thank you.
00:01:55
Speaker 2: That was so nice of you.
00:01:57
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Well, it's true. You really are doing a huge job out there with helping people with their mental health, which is why it's so perfect to have you on the show. However, we do have to pay a couple of bills here, so let's take a quick break regroup, she can hug herself a little bit right back with Kelsey Dara Comedy Saved Me. Kelsey boy, you really are spreading a lot of love and laughter and great important advice far and wide in this world. Welcome to comedy save me to share it here with us.
00:02:33
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me. You're so kind and your also, your voice is so soothing, My god, I can listen to you all day read the dictionary.
00:02:44
Speaker 1: Well, thank you for saying that. I guess I should sound decent. I'd do that for a living. I've been doing that for a living for a long time.
00:02:50
Speaker 2: You know, it doesn't stop you when you have a biting, annoying voice. As every comment or sometimes still likes to say every now and then, my voice is so anti radio podcast. And I really just said up yours and did it anyway.
00:03:04
Speaker 1: Oh, I don't think so at all. I think you have a great voice. I was watching a lot of your clips and even your characters they're they're just so funny. But you have a great voice. I used to think I was a boy when I was a kid. I was angry at myself because I sounded like a man when I was little and.
00:03:21
Speaker 2: I love it. It's very sexy.
00:03:23
Speaker 1: Thanks. I turned it around. I was like, well, I'm going to make some money with that man's voice.
00:03:27
Speaker 2: Funny. I mean that just like that just lands with exactly what you guys are doing, which is like the stuff that we think we used to hate and like, wasn't insecurity now? Or like how can we capitalize on this?
00:03:37
Speaker 1: Yes? Yes? What was the moment that you realized that your breakup story needed to become a book not just a rant to your friends? Yeah?
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Speaker 2: Well, probably because my friends were sick and tired of hearing them. They were like, we can't keep doing this every two to three years with a breakup cals. No, they're great. I think it was probably because I, you know, for many years, have projected like a pretty confident, like self assured person on the internet, Like I like to think that that's what I give and have run with for my whole career. But something that I was really hiding from followers and the Internet was the way that breakups would collapse me, like absolutely ruin me in a way where I didn't feel like myself, and I felt so unlike myself in fact, that I didn't even want to make content around it. Like I was so embarrassed about who I became during heartbreak that it almost was like annoying at Like, at some point in my mid thirties, I was like, I gotta figure this out, Like I really I got curious and figured, you know, the best way I know how to do more like long form content actually is with writing. And so I was like, I think I gotta take this as like an assignment to myself to figure it out and bring my followers with me. And then, of course, you know, as soon as I did decide to be a little bit vulnerable and post about my big breakup, it you know did really well and it was something that people still message me about today, and I went, okay, this is this is something and you know, that's what happened in my decade earlier content about mental health, and I thought, okay, maybe this is the next like version of that.
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Speaker 1: Wow, did you even take psychology in school or college?
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Speaker 2: Or I dropped out of three colleges? I did you do?
00:05:32
Speaker 1: I went to like four? My parents were ready to kill me. I think four maybe four, maybe five, I can't remember. It's all a blur. Now.
00:05:39
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not good at sitting at a desk and listening to someone talk. That's very hard for me.
00:05:44
Speaker 1: How do you learn how?
00:05:45
Speaker 3: Well?
00:05:46
Speaker 1: I shouldn't say this because we're talking about your book, but I'm talking about like, you know, Marconi invented the microphone. It's like, just tell me how to be a broadcaster, you know, Like.
00:05:54
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just need to not need to know the history of a watch to tell the time. I just wanted to do learn by doing.
00:06:02
Speaker 1: That's so true. Well, the title alone of your book, Do What I Did, tells us a lot right in there. What's the biggest thing that you did that you're warning readers to stay away from?
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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I mean there's so many. Every chapter is basically something that I did that I didn't want others to do. But I guess if I had to pick like one big one, I think it's something that resonates a lot with you know, women, specifically people that love love like I love love. I think it's great. I think it's fantastic. But something that we tend to do that I was most guilty of was self sacrifice in order to be loved. Like I am a very loyal person, I am a very write or die, you know, with my friendships, with my work, Like when I go into something, I go all in and I'm like, why can't we figure this out? And I would do anything to try to make a relationship work, and that included like bending myself into ways that looking back now I get, I get the real big ick about it looking back that I just couldn't believe I couldn't let go And to the opposite of that. For years in my youth, like before I really knew how to manage conflict, I ran from it. Like the second someone would give me the ick, or the second I we'd have a conflict, I'd be like, well, I'm going to cut it off and compartmentalize and never deal with that again. So I really like ran the spectrum of self sacrificing and you know, uh being a bit uh there's no real better word from it, from like love anorexic, I like would I took the title of being single to the farthest it could go, you know for a single maxt you were saying single, that's such a good way of putting it.
00:07:59
Speaker 1: Very now, sorry, I have to try that once in a while.
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Speaker 2: Now, the gen zers, thank you.
00:08:05
Speaker 1: Single maps, Yeah, you blend comedy memoir in psychology so beautifully and authentically, which I think is the main thing about why it's so popular, because you are you and you can really tell that which part came easiest and which was the hardest part to get right.
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Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know if like your feet is like this, but my feet is filled with like coaches selling courses and like experts on certain topics, and I just was really missing that. Well, prove it, how do you know? Like I need, you know, someone to tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. And That's what I've kind of discovered about making comedy online, is like you really have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable to be relatable. And I guess it's just because like I'm I'm the baby of the family that didn't like get much attention that I just don't have any their choice but to like put myself out there. Yeah, And I think that's the easiest. Being vulnerable comes very easy to me. Like I can just meet you and tell you, like what's going on in my bowel movements that morning, Like I have no problem just like talking about shameful stuff. I'm like, whatever, I don't know, I might not ever see you again. What do I care?
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Speaker 1: Do you think that's disarming? I mean, that's a disarming thing that makes people, you know, just calm down immediately when they're in your presence. When you do, I.
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Speaker 2: Think I have this weird like talent of being able to get people to tell me their deepst darkest secrets very quickly. And I didn't like plan for that. That wasn't the thing I set out to do. But I think it makes people feel really comfortable, even people that are kind of like eh to vulnerability. I can get in there. I know how to like connect with people, and that's what I love about my job too.
00:09:54
Speaker 1: Well, you're smiling your obviously people are listening to this right now, but she has the biggest smile in her face. Seriously, And when when you popped onto the screen, I could just feel the warmth right away, Like it wasn't even like a moment where it was I feel like I've known you forever. And so that's what you're describing.
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Speaker 2: Thanks, that's I think that's like that just goes to show of like what media can do. Also, like I think it can be like deeper than just the surface level stuff that we see. I think, like we can't have space for it all.
00:10:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just wonder like where it came from, you know, I've always tried to figure that out. Where where did that particular thing come from? And I wondered, like, did you were you ever bullied when you were growing up?
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Speaker 2: Yeah? Okay for any I don't know a single comedian that was like, actually no, I've just been like slaying from day one. I was the popular guy. I had it all figured out. No, oh my god, I was. I was so flat chested that I think my actually inverted and like I was the late bloomer of my friendship group. I was like the last one to have their first kiss, to like lose your virginity, even though that's a construct. Like I was sort of the the hot girl's best friend. Was the way I grew up, that would be a wing woman, yes, but like the wingwoman, no one even wanted to really talk to what I was relentlessly bullied for not really being like the hot girl. So what does the not hot girl do? She becomes like the funny girl. She becomes like the one who's really good at beer pong, the one who excels in, you know, her extracurriculars. Like I definitely had to find a way. Like I joke a lot that the way I've like nabbed most of the like dick in my life is with my personality. I'm not like that Instagram model. I'm just like, I don't know. I I could never really rely.
00:11:59
Speaker 1: On that, you know, no, but I ask and I ask you that because I I just sense that. Similarly that when you're young and you're bullied and you do everything you can to fit in, and however you sort of you know, you kind of what's that word my way in? Yeah, you just know you just sort of like a chameleon and you're like, okay, here it is. I can be funny and you get this. But you learn how to disarm people because it makes you feel comfortable and then you're not being bullied.
00:12:34
Speaker 2: Is that like it's actually a selfish thing. I'm like, can we just get chummy together quickly so we don't have to pretend like there's all these formalities, Like I don't know, for me, it's a lot easier to just be cool with people than you know, pretending like we're too cool to be doing whatever we're doing.
00:12:51
Speaker 1: You know, yes, totally all right, thank you, thank you, thank you. I've never actually talked to somebody about this stuff like this.
00:12:57
Speaker 2: You get it. I can tell you, guys, Wow, it's.
00:13:00
Speaker 1: Like, wow, this do we have three hours? No?
00:13:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like I'm holding up a mirror.
00:13:07
Speaker 1: Comedy Saved Me is all about humor getting people through hard times. When did you, Kelsey, first notice that you were processing pain by making it funny? I think we may have just touched on a bit of that, but there may be other things for sure.
00:13:21
Speaker 2: I mean, in a sense where I saw the impact of it, I would say would be when I started making internet videos. Like I think there's a time when you're entering like the comedy scene. You know, I was doing like acting, I was doing improv. I was doing all these different like modalities of comedy. But it was not really I mean, it was cool, but it wasn't fulfilling, right, Like, I wasn't seeing the impact. And I started in the really early days of YouTube, so back in wild Wild West, like twenty ten was when I posted my first video and seeing the comments from a video that I made, which on the outside seems just very funny, right, it was a video, and this is a really big throwback. It was it was called stuff girlfriend's say or like shit girlfriends say, and it was all the kind of like crazy things I had thought of but was playing this character so I distanced myself from it.
00:14:23
Speaker 3: You know.
00:14:23
Speaker 2: It was the things that were like, baby, you cheated on me and my dream or like do you like my lab haha? Like uh, I'm not even drunk, like just all the things that I had been accused of saying or like accused of being too much from a boyfriend or a girlfriend at the time or whatever. And that video went viral and this was like before virality was even a word, right, And I just remember seeing the comments of being like sending this to all my girlfriends or like you know, this is me and my sister and like, oh, I'm so glad someone said it. And I just remember being like, Okay, I only want to comedy that has like an impact or just like has a connective tissue. Otherwise, like I don't know, I think what's the point comedy can get really like I don't know, self aggrandizing and yeah, just a bit. I don't know, you're doing it for the wrong reasons or for other people, or like trying to chase what's cool.
00:15:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, is there a line for you between this is funny and this is too soon when you're writing about heartbreak?
00:15:27
Speaker 2: Oh man, that's a really good question. I think the best comedy is when I can process a little bit. I don't know that I always know how to make things funny intentionally. I think it. Someone will say something's funny and I was like, oh, that was actually like a painful moment that I went through, and I can see like the audience can kind of help me shape it in the early days. But I think the best comedy I make is when I have time to like collect I need to collect memories. I need to collect experiences.
00:16:01
Speaker 1: Like a hindsight, Like you have to look back and say, Okay, what did I learn? Yeah, and it's just funny in and of itself, but that lends you all right. I always ask comedians when I talk to them about how important it is to be able to laugh at yourself. And I don't think that that is owned by the comedy world, do you know.
00:16:20
Speaker 2: No, I think that that's like the self, that's the self, right, Like you have to be able to laugh at yourself. I think it makes life a lot easier, and it gives other people permission to laugh at themselves too, Like we're all walking around like we're just too cool for school.
00:16:36
Speaker 1: Oh, it's like therapy for yourself. If more people did it, I think it's scary because you're It makes you have to look inward and you have to actually look at yourself, and nobody wants to do it.
00:16:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like painfully self aware, Like I go anytime I get a new therapist, they're like, you know what's wrong with you? Like you know all your problems. You know that's you know, you know all the language, you know all the therapy words for it, but like, what are we going to do about it?
00:17:03
Speaker 1: Why are you here giving me money when you already could teach this.
00:17:05
Speaker 2: Class exactly exactly, And so you know, And I also think like I like to keep people around me who are mirrors and can reflect up you know, tough stuff that can you know, be be said with like calling me in instead of calling me out. And I really love from that advice from the four Agreements, like you can never take anything personally. And as soon as I started applying that to my life, oh my god, everything got so much easier everything.
00:17:38
Speaker 1: Don't take anything personal.
00:17:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, whether it's like a critique or feedback or a mean comment, or just the way that someone said something to me that I'm like, oh my god, did they actual are they mad at me? Did they mean this?
00:17:53
Speaker 3: Like?
00:17:53
Speaker 2: What what does that actually mean? And then as soon as you's just stop like taking things personally, you're just like, oh, it was just something that was said, and that makes everything so much easier to do.
00:18:04
Speaker 1: It does it does? And also, I mean, if you're into self blaming, which I can do obviously, sometimes you know, oh that was my fault or I you know, and then you realize, actually, no, yeah, what's a joke or a bit from the book that took the most rewrites to land. Something tells me that not many, because naturally it just rolls off after your retrospective look back. It should just come right out right.
00:18:31
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think there was a section just about like codependency, mostly because that was the hardest thing to admit about myself. Like I really had a hard time accepting codependency as something that I could be involved in accused of. I was like, oh not, I like, what do you mean? Look at all of these reasons why I'm not.
00:18:55
Speaker 1: I am codependent.
00:18:57
Speaker 2: Yes, I am, like literally the dependence queen, how dare you? And so I think that was probably the hardest thing to write about and make it funny because it was just hard to admit about myself. But I think that that was like doubly the reason why you have to write about those those hard edges.
00:19:17
Speaker 3: We'll be right back with more of the comedy Save Me podcast. Welcome back to the comedy Save Me podcast.
00:19:30
Speaker 1: Let's talk about the anti healing approach. Yeah, you say the book throws out what we think we know about healing. What is the biggest myth about breakup recovery that you're going after in this book, because it's very important. Yeah.
00:19:46
Speaker 2: I think there's like this myth that if you do XYZ, then you should be able to get up and function and go to work and act like everything sign and like fall in love again. Like I just remember being like I'm doing the breath work, I'm going to social events. I'm you know, I'm forcing myself to get up and like put on makeup and like listen to Beyonce and try to empower myself and like I'm sad still, Like what none of this is working. And I also didn't I think that we are like we all understand that heartbreak is gonna suck and it's supposed to hurt, but like we don't really give people space longer than like a couple weeks to be sad about it, like whether it's group chats or like at work or whatever. It's like, okay, we got to start like getting over things, and sometimes it takes people years to get through it and get over it and understand why this hurts so much. And so for me it was like not only about discovering the pain of the right now, So like the first section is all about the mess, which is like the today pain, and then once you feel a little bit more confident in experiencing the today pain, I got into like, okay, now, how can we look back at what happened? How can we take inventory of the relationship, which a lot of people don't want to do, a lot of people want to get over it and be like shut that door, move on, like time to go to the next and hopefully I don't repeat that same pattern again, or like hopefully I don't fall for that same type of bad boy again. I'll learn from my mistakes, but we don't do any like postmortem about the relationship. And then another big part for me was like what are we going to do about that? Like how do we actually put that into practice? How do we actually use what we've learned and put it into like our daily existence so that we don't make the same heart wrenching, gut life altering mistakes again.
00:21:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, learn from the mistakes so that you don't repeat it, otherwise you're doomed to continue the same loop.
00:21:50
Speaker 2: Exactly. Your brain likes to close loops, Like your brain wants to get things right. So when we end a relationship, and especially if it's coming from a place of lack, our brain first of all wants to fulfill that need. So we're going to give it to the first person that gives that need to us, and then we want to close the loop, so we want to try again. We want to make it successful. Like our brain doesn't like having that broken ending. So for me, it was like really important to have people pause in that piece of healing and be like what do we do with this? Which direction is the right way to go from this? Like how do we actually change our brain chemicals to understand like what we were going through doesn't have to happen again in such a deep painful way that it did.
00:22:38
Speaker 1: No, and you cut right to it. I mean, yeah, you know, I can only imagine therapists looking at even just the title of the book going damn, there's the secret sauce right there, like, what do they need us?
00:22:50
Speaker 2: Best compliment I've gotten? And this happened a lot with my first book, was I have therapists that DM me and say that they give my book to their clients all the time or they like recommend it to their all the time. And I'm like, that's the greatest compliment to receive.
00:23:04
Speaker 1: You ever, it's a huge, huge congratulations on that. What a yeah, Like you're just I love that. I can't everyone really romanticizes their ex after a breakup and stuff, and you go, you were talking earlier about something that reminded me like I used to be that way. I listened to the sad music Chicago. Oh now it's hard for me to Samsar like cry cry. I couldn't get over it. And then I went to a point where this guy I was dating, Oh my god, it was so good looking and so wonderful, but a liar, a horrible liar, and I finally got to the point where I'd been kissed by so many frogs that now I'm like, go ay, don't come back, and he's and he's crying, please don't break up with me. I'm like, talk to the hand. And then I felt like I'm a horrible person, like I'm mad to myself, I'm bad to myself. And now I've completely turned around and I'm treating the guys like they were treating me, which doesn't fix things. So this sounds like a wonderful addition to your reading asap if you're having issues in relationship or you know, just getting out of a bad one.
00:24:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, I like to tell people that it's not just for people like experiencing a breakup right now, It's for anyone that's like been in a relationship before, because there really is stuff to be able to look at and say, like where did that not sit right with me? Or how do I not have that happen again? Or were like what patterns keep showing up that maybe you know, I could take a second look at look in the mirror a little bit.
00:24:34
Speaker 1: Well, like, so he wasn't that bad. That's kind of like the spiral we could go down. How do you talk people off a ledge with that?
00:24:41
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, the first thing is to remember that your brain wants to protect you. Your brain wants to be like, no, we were tricked, we were you know, like this wasn't that as bad as it seems, because I don't ever want to admit that my brain didn't keep me safe, Like my brain didn't keep me in a safe space. And so that's the first thing is it is knowing when to say, like our brain, what is looking back at this with fondness and rose colored colored lenses, because of course we don't want to think about the worst thing that's ever happened to us. We don't want to, especially if we share kids with this person or we created like a long relationship, Like we don't want to trash the entire thing. So we'll do things like romanticize it, and we'll also do things like demonize it like I can't believe they were like this, like they never loved me, and then that kind of like popoosed the entire relationship experience that you had too. But when we do the opposite, which is we embrace the person, we even maybe blame ourselves a little bit. I think we do that because breakup is basically creating like a blank slate for us in our life, right, Like it's a great time for reinvention, Like it's a great time to start over, to get rid of all, like clear the cobwebs. And I think that's almost the part that people need to embrace over the pain and the suffering and the things that we stayed too long for, if that makes sense, Like, yeah, you can start over like literally any time any place today if you want to, Like you can just start a new.
00:26:15
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm dating this guy. I'm engaged to this man. His ex wife and daughter moved across the country to be near me, and I I broke his heart because I knew I wanted to do things. He was a wonderful man, but I had to tell him if I don't do this, I'll live to regret it. And I know I can change my life right now, it's completely like we were engaged, and I literally like changed. I did a three sixty. Yeah that's sometimes I no, that's a half a turn, that's three sixty.
00:26:51
Speaker 2: Yeah. You don't want to come back to the place you started, YEA. I think it depends on your outlook was reationship to shape exactly. But that's huge because the opposite of that is the sunk cost sallacy, right like you're engaged, his ex and child moved to be close to you, Like there's all these things that we give reasons to ourselves as to why we can't break up, like we've invested so much, and so the fact that you were able to say, like it doesn't matter how far we've come or like how much we've done, like you still at the end of the day have to live alone and dialone, right Like we're born alone, we dialone, and you're the person that has to deal with the consequences of your own actions, right Like it's not a team effort, Like you're the person that has to wake up every single day. And so that's so amazing that you were able to recognize that and make that decision for yourself.
00:27:43
Speaker 1: Thank you for saying that. And the reason why I'm sharing it, I guess is because of the exact words you just said, which I have said so many times to people, and it's hard to do. It's not for the faint of heart, but once you do it, you feel like like you said, it's like a rebirth almost. You get to start all over with the blank slate, you know, And as long as you're good to people and good to yourself, and you can go to bed at night knowing that, then it's okay to change your life.
00:28:13
Speaker 2: The craziest thing I experienced when I went through like my biggest breakup was understanding that there is a kind way to have a breakup. Yes, like so many of my relationships had ended with these like huge, fiery, like life altering endings, that when I realized there's a kind way to uncouple and untangle your life with someone, it can be really relieving, Like you don't have to hate each other, You don't have to want to like pop each other's tires and light each other's shit on fire, Like you can come from a place of love and saying like this isn't the best thing for me, and because I love you, I don't want that for you either, Like we both should not diminish our shine or stagnate our lives because of that. Like that's actually very loving to do. It's kind Even if maybe you know one person wants to break up the other doesn't, Like, yeah, they will come to see that's hard. Yeah, you will come to see eventually like not only is it survivable, but like it happened for a reason.
00:29:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, totally. Oh my goodness. What what's one piece? I love this conversation so much. What one piece of conventional breakup advice that you actually think is actively bad for people and they should be aware of it. Like it's one of those red alert red flags that goes up when you hear it.
00:29:34
Speaker 2: Hmm uh. I think there's the myth that you're supposed to put on like your hottest dress and go get drunk with your girlfriends. That has never ended well for any girl going through a breakup. No one has down like six martinis and gone out dancing and hooked up with some random person that they barely remember and the next day and like I think that did it?
00:29:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that really was.
00:30:00
Speaker 2: That's the thing. Yeah, I feel great today. Actually, Like no, I would argue, don't put on your hottest outfit and go out and get drunk. Like, you know, we use substances like we use we use alcohol as a form of therapy post breakup in a way that is like definitely romanticized. And movies do it like we think that's what we're supposed to do, and I actually think we should be doing the opposite. I think we should put on our hottest dresses with our girlfriends and lay on the couch and like have a craft night and do something that does not involve getting obliterated out of your mind.
00:30:37
Speaker 1: And you know, you.
00:30:38
Speaker 2: Don't have to talk about the breakup. You don't have to do like woo woo therapy stuff. But I just I'm cautioned to tell people that the first thing they should do is like go out. And what's that phrase, like get under someone to get over someone?
00:30:53
Speaker 1: Oh wow, I've never heard that before.
00:30:56
Speaker 2: Really, let's get over someone. You gotta get under someone else. No, never never worked out. It never worked out, all.
00:31:04
Speaker 1: Right, without spoiling the book, What's one concrete thing readers can do that the day that they read the book, don't do what I did, but not just eventually like the day that they read it. One thing.
00:31:16
Speaker 2: I love this piece because it's actually the very first thing I put in the book. It's like in the first pages where it was revelatory for me, which was the way you talk about your breakup is the way you will experience your breakup, so your brain is listening to the way you talk about it. So if you're telling everyone it was the worst thing that ever happened to you, you have no idea how you're going to get over it. You're never gonna love again. You're the status you've ever been. Like, your brain is hearing you say this, and you're telling it to anyone that will listen. Your best friend, your mom, your sisters, the barista, your mail man. Like literally, you're saying this narrative and your brain is hearing the trauma and your your body is reliving that pain. It's why we start like tearing up when we start talking about stuff. And even if it was that bad, even if it was that dramatic, this exercise in this tool is for you. This is like a gift you're giving to yourself, which is you're going to change the way you talk about your breakup, so instead of spewing and letting your bleeding heart lie out on the table for everyone to see. An easy trick you can just start today, even if you're faking it, even if it's bullshit, even if you don't mean it. It's changing the narrative. So when someone asks or if you need to say something about it. What I changed the way I talked about it was I just started saying it didn't work out and we broke up.
00:32:37
Speaker 1: That was it.
00:32:38
Speaker 2: And then I would change the subject and then I would move on and I would start talking about something else, or like if they ask questions, I would just redirect it into a conversation that didn't have me re traumatizing myself every time I spoke about it. He did this, you wouldn't believe it was that, Like, yeah, it's validating, and it feels good to have someone be like, oh my god, that sucked, because it does suck. It really does suck.
00:33:00
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:33:00
Speaker 2: But again, this is a tiny little psychology hack and trick is to just start speaking into an existence a different narrative of how the breakup went, which is like it's really helps when you do it, When you just start enacting it, it can really change the way you get up and experience a breakup every single day.
00:33:20
Speaker 1: Absolutely, you're you're literally suggesting that we train our brains, which we can do because the brain is also like a muscle. Although a lot of doctor's babe, thank you, so you can. I learned that memorizing eighty pages. When I used to work at VH one, I had to They didn't have teleprompters, so I had to actually rememberize everything, and then I couldn't believe that muscle works. I mean, it literally does work. And what you're saying can be put in place of a breakup or anything like why aren't I I can't get a job, I'm not happy? What's wrong? Like this is bad? In this, this is bad and I can't I can't. Well, it starts saying if you can. If you keep saying you can't, you perpetuate what's bailing you and you never get out from under it.
00:34:10
Speaker 2: Your brain is listening like the what you sew you grow or whatever. I got a lot of weird quipy saying, but.
00:34:17
Speaker 1: They mean something like when you get older. You're like, that's why they say that, because you don't really know until you.
00:34:22
Speaker 2: Experience exactly and then you're like, oh, it really can be just as simple as like thirty seconds a day saying the opposite of what your brain is trying to tell yourself and just be like, no, I'm actually going to think this and it's just an exercise in like mantra work. If you will even.
00:34:38
Speaker 1: Oh, hell yeah, no, I mean that is the the It's like one of the best prescriptions you could give people. If they do it, you have to do it.
00:34:46
Speaker 2: You have to have to do it, and it takes nothing. It's free ninety nine to do free ninety nine.
00:34:52
Speaker 1: I love it. If your ex Kelsey is reading this book right now, or if he reads the book, what you think the reaction would be.
00:35:03
Speaker 2: I know that he got a copy. I did. I do know that he got a copy. I got word that he has a copy. I think different exes will say different things. I know my longest relationship X, it's nothing but love, like that we were such large chapters in each other's lives, and like we wouldn't be who we are and where we are today without each other. So I think there's like a ton of gratitude and love. But if the other ones are listening, they know who they are, and I hope you know they see this and they know you know it was no thanks to them. It was no thanks to them. I did all the work myself. I've put in the hours I put in the dredge and the sledge in the time of writing a book. That they were just a tiny little page in you know, I like I use the word tiny little fake. They're just a small, tiny lasted page in the book, Just a.
00:35:57
Speaker 1: Little tiny page in the book. Wow, I love it. I was reading your I am Well. For anyone who doesn't know Kelsey Dara is, just go to her IMDb page and watch her demo reel. I actually had to reapply my makeup before I got on with you because I didn't realize that clip. It's Hille. It's like you all your It's like a mashup of all of your really cool funny videos online.
00:36:23
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I have not seen I gotta go back and watch it. It's probably been years since I've seen that.
00:36:28
Speaker 1: I'm watching it, I'm like laughing out loud. My husband's like, what are you doing down there?
00:36:32
Speaker 2: I thank you for saying that.
00:36:35
Speaker 1: What is next for you? Do you have where you're going to do? More books, more content, more chaos? Where can people find you and your joy that they need in their life?
00:36:46
Speaker 3: Oh?
00:36:47
Speaker 2: Thanks? Yeah, I'm Kelsey Darra all over the internet. I love making content that's just like relatable and makes me laugh, So like I try to, you know, contribute to the fun good beside of the Internet every day with where you know the algorithm can be going. In this economy and in this day and age, I try to contribute just a little bit to make people laugh. I would love to write more books. I've recently pitched a book about sobriety, and then I also had just pitched my first fiction book that I'm like toying with the idea of writing. So you know, I'll never stop being loud and proud and obnoxious. It'll just be like, which subject matter are we taking on this year?
00:37:33
Speaker 1: Fantastic? And by the way she spells her last name d A R r A g h in cause you were going online right now to look her up, you won't be disappointed. Kelsey Darra. And if I said your last name when correctly, I apologize. But it's been such a pleasure to have you on and to talk to you. And will you come back again, like the next time you do something big and share it with us?
00:37:54
Speaker 2: Oh my god, Yes, And thank you so much for having me and asking such thoughtful questions and even having this space to do something like that's wow.
00:38:01
Speaker 3: Thank you, I'm buzz night, and thanks for listening to comedy Save Me with Lynn Hoffman and do check out our other podcast, Lynn Hoffman's Music Save Me podcast.
00:38:14
Speaker 1: Also Sarah Harrelson and Taking a Walk Nashville and Don't Forget also about taking a Walk hosted by Yours Truly. All shows are available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and are part of the iHeart podcast network
Speaker 1: Comedy Saved Me. Hey everyone, Welcome back to Comedy Saved Me. I'm Lynn Hoffman, and today's guest has spent her career proving that the most painful moments in life make the best material ever, which is exactly what she's done with her brand new book. My guest today is Kelsey Dara, content creator, writer, filmmaker, comedian, and Amazon best selling author.
00:00:26
Speaker 2: Offer that's a offer, Offer, Jesse Bezos, give me money.
00:00:30
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:00:30
Speaker 1: Of her first book, Joan Effing Panic, the shit they don't tell you in therapy about anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and depression, which amazing in and of itself. She has a brand new book out though, called Don't Do What I Did, break Up and Bounce Back. She's gonna top her first bestseller with another bestseller. This isn't your typical healing journey book. By the way. It's brutally honest, laugh out loud, funny as she always is, and throws out basically everything the self help world has told you about healing, just tosses it aside. Kelsey Blend's comedy memoir with real psychology and practical advice to walk readers through heartbreak and instead of romanticizing the loser who broke your heart. She shows you how to actually rebuild your life. Yes, it's true, you can. She's referred to as the Big Sister of mental health on the Internet. This is so cool, and she's built one of the most engaged mental health communities on TikTok and Instagram with get this, an average of fourteen million views for each video she posts. This is insane. The hysterically funny, uplifting, inspiring Kelsey Darra coming up next on coming to Save Me? Are you excited?
00:01:39
Speaker 2: That was really fun? Listen?
00:01:42
Speaker 1: Are you impressed with yourself? That's what I want to know.
00:01:44
Speaker 2: I was like, oh my god, I think I needed that, Like the Lexapro wasn't hitting as herd today and I think you just save me the top up off serotonin. Then I need it because now I'm like, I'm horny for myself.
00:01:55
Speaker 1: Thank you.
00:01:55
Speaker 2: That was so nice of you.
00:01:57
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Well, it's true. You really are doing a huge job out there with helping people with their mental health, which is why it's so perfect to have you on the show. However, we do have to pay a couple of bills here, so let's take a quick break regroup, she can hug herself a little bit right back with Kelsey Dara Comedy Saved Me. Kelsey boy, you really are spreading a lot of love and laughter and great important advice far and wide in this world. Welcome to comedy save me to share it here with us.
00:02:33
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me. You're so kind and your also, your voice is so soothing, My god, I can listen to you all day read the dictionary.
00:02:44
Speaker 1: Well, thank you for saying that. I guess I should sound decent. I'd do that for a living. I've been doing that for a living for a long time.
00:02:50
Speaker 2: You know, it doesn't stop you when you have a biting, annoying voice. As every comment or sometimes still likes to say every now and then, my voice is so anti radio podcast. And I really just said up yours and did it anyway.
00:03:04
Speaker 1: Oh, I don't think so at all. I think you have a great voice. I was watching a lot of your clips and even your characters they're they're just so funny. But you have a great voice. I used to think I was a boy when I was a kid. I was angry at myself because I sounded like a man when I was little and.
00:03:21
Speaker 2: I love it. It's very sexy.
00:03:23
Speaker 1: Thanks. I turned it around. I was like, well, I'm going to make some money with that man's voice.
00:03:27
Speaker 2: Funny. I mean that just like that just lands with exactly what you guys are doing, which is like the stuff that we think we used to hate and like, wasn't insecurity now? Or like how can we capitalize on this?
00:03:37
Speaker 1: Yes? Yes? What was the moment that you realized that your breakup story needed to become a book not just a rant to your friends? Yeah?
00:03:47
Speaker 2: Well, probably because my friends were sick and tired of hearing them. They were like, we can't keep doing this every two to three years with a breakup cals. No, they're great. I think it was probably because I, you know, for many years, have projected like a pretty confident, like self assured person on the internet, Like I like to think that that's what I give and have run with for my whole career. But something that I was really hiding from followers and the Internet was the way that breakups would collapse me, like absolutely ruin me in a way where I didn't feel like myself, and I felt so unlike myself in fact, that I didn't even want to make content around it. Like I was so embarrassed about who I became during heartbreak that it almost was like annoying at Like, at some point in my mid thirties, I was like, I gotta figure this out, Like I really I got curious and figured, you know, the best way I know how to do more like long form content actually is with writing. And so I was like, I think I gotta take this as like an assignment to myself to figure it out and bring my followers with me. And then, of course, you know, as soon as I did decide to be a little bit vulnerable and post about my big breakup, it you know did really well and it was something that people still message me about today, and I went, okay, this is this is something and you know, that's what happened in my decade earlier content about mental health, and I thought, okay, maybe this is the next like version of that.
00:05:24
Speaker 1: Wow, did you even take psychology in school or college?
00:05:27
Speaker 2: Or I dropped out of three colleges? I did you do?
00:05:32
Speaker 1: I went to like four? My parents were ready to kill me. I think four maybe four, maybe five, I can't remember. It's all a blur. Now.
00:05:39
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not good at sitting at a desk and listening to someone talk. That's very hard for me.
00:05:44
Speaker 1: How do you learn how?
00:05:45
Speaker 3: Well?
00:05:46
Speaker 1: I shouldn't say this because we're talking about your book, but I'm talking about like, you know, Marconi invented the microphone. It's like, just tell me how to be a broadcaster, you know, Like.
00:05:54
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just need to not need to know the history of a watch to tell the time. I just wanted to do learn by doing.
00:06:02
Speaker 1: That's so true. Well, the title alone of your book, Do What I Did, tells us a lot right in there. What's the biggest thing that you did that you're warning readers to stay away from?
00:06:12
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I mean there's so many. Every chapter is basically something that I did that I didn't want others to do. But I guess if I had to pick like one big one, I think it's something that resonates a lot with you know, women, specifically people that love love like I love love. I think it's great. I think it's fantastic. But something that we tend to do that I was most guilty of was self sacrifice in order to be loved. Like I am a very loyal person, I am a very write or die, you know, with my friendships, with my work, Like when I go into something, I go all in and I'm like, why can't we figure this out? And I would do anything to try to make a relationship work, and that included like bending myself into ways that looking back now I get, I get the real big ick about it looking back that I just couldn't believe I couldn't let go And to the opposite of that. For years in my youth, like before I really knew how to manage conflict, I ran from it. Like the second someone would give me the ick, or the second I we'd have a conflict, I'd be like, well, I'm going to cut it off and compartmentalize and never deal with that again. So I really like ran the spectrum of self sacrificing and you know, uh being a bit uh there's no real better word from it, from like love anorexic, I like would I took the title of being single to the farthest it could go, you know for a single maxt you were saying single, that's such a good way of putting it.
00:07:59
Speaker 1: Very now, sorry, I have to try that once in a while.
00:08:02
Speaker 2: Now, the gen zers, thank you.
00:08:05
Speaker 1: Single maps, Yeah, you blend comedy memoir in psychology so beautifully and authentically, which I think is the main thing about why it's so popular, because you are you and you can really tell that which part came easiest and which was the hardest part to get right.
00:08:22
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know if like your feet is like this, but my feet is filled with like coaches selling courses and like experts on certain topics, and I just was really missing that. Well, prove it, how do you know? Like I need, you know, someone to tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. And That's what I've kind of discovered about making comedy online, is like you really have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable to be relatable. And I guess it's just because like I'm I'm the baby of the family that didn't like get much attention that I just don't have any their choice but to like put myself out there. Yeah, And I think that's the easiest. Being vulnerable comes very easy to me. Like I can just meet you and tell you, like what's going on in my bowel movements that morning, Like I have no problem just like talking about shameful stuff. I'm like, whatever, I don't know, I might not ever see you again. What do I care?
00:09:22
Speaker 1: Do you think that's disarming? I mean, that's a disarming thing that makes people, you know, just calm down immediately when they're in your presence. When you do, I.
00:09:31
Speaker 2: Think I have this weird like talent of being able to get people to tell me their deepst darkest secrets very quickly. And I didn't like plan for that. That wasn't the thing I set out to do. But I think it makes people feel really comfortable, even people that are kind of like eh to vulnerability. I can get in there. I know how to like connect with people, and that's what I love about my job too.
00:09:54
Speaker 1: Well, you're smiling your obviously people are listening to this right now, but she has the biggest smile in her face. Seriously, And when when you popped onto the screen, I could just feel the warmth right away, Like it wasn't even like a moment where it was I feel like I've known you forever. And so that's what you're describing.
00:10:11
Speaker 2: Thanks, that's I think that's like that just goes to show of like what media can do. Also, like I think it can be like deeper than just the surface level stuff that we see. I think, like we can't have space for it all.
00:10:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just wonder like where it came from, you know, I've always tried to figure that out. Where where did that particular thing come from? And I wondered, like, did you were you ever bullied when you were growing up?
00:10:44
Speaker 2: Yeah? Okay for any I don't know a single comedian that was like, actually no, I've just been like slaying from day one. I was the popular guy. I had it all figured out. No, oh my god, I was. I was so flat chested that I think my actually inverted and like I was the late bloomer of my friendship group. I was like the last one to have their first kiss, to like lose your virginity, even though that's a construct. Like I was sort of the the hot girl's best friend. Was the way I grew up, that would be a wing woman, yes, but like the wingwoman, no one even wanted to really talk to what I was relentlessly bullied for not really being like the hot girl. So what does the not hot girl do? She becomes like the funny girl. She becomes like the one who's really good at beer pong, the one who excels in, you know, her extracurriculars. Like I definitely had to find a way. Like I joke a lot that the way I've like nabbed most of the like dick in my life is with my personality. I'm not like that Instagram model. I'm just like, I don't know. I I could never really rely.
00:11:59
Speaker 1: On that, you know, no, but I ask and I ask you that because I I just sense that. Similarly that when you're young and you're bullied and you do everything you can to fit in, and however you sort of you know, you kind of what's that word my way in? Yeah, you just know you just sort of like a chameleon and you're like, okay, here it is. I can be funny and you get this. But you learn how to disarm people because it makes you feel comfortable and then you're not being bullied.
00:12:34
Speaker 2: Is that like it's actually a selfish thing. I'm like, can we just get chummy together quickly so we don't have to pretend like there's all these formalities, Like I don't know, for me, it's a lot easier to just be cool with people than you know, pretending like we're too cool to be doing whatever we're doing.
00:12:51
Speaker 1: You know, yes, totally all right, thank you, thank you, thank you. I've never actually talked to somebody about this stuff like this.
00:12:57
Speaker 2: You get it. I can tell you, guys, Wow, it's.
00:13:00
Speaker 1: Like, wow, this do we have three hours? No?
00:13:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like I'm holding up a mirror.
00:13:07
Speaker 1: Comedy Saved Me is all about humor getting people through hard times. When did you, Kelsey, first notice that you were processing pain by making it funny? I think we may have just touched on a bit of that, but there may be other things for sure.
00:13:21
Speaker 2: I mean, in a sense where I saw the impact of it, I would say would be when I started making internet videos. Like I think there's a time when you're entering like the comedy scene. You know, I was doing like acting, I was doing improv. I was doing all these different like modalities of comedy. But it was not really I mean, it was cool, but it wasn't fulfilling, right, Like, I wasn't seeing the impact. And I started in the really early days of YouTube, so back in wild Wild West, like twenty ten was when I posted my first video and seeing the comments from a video that I made, which on the outside seems just very funny, right, it was a video, and this is a really big throwback. It was it was called stuff girlfriend's say or like shit girlfriends say, and it was all the kind of like crazy things I had thought of but was playing this character so I distanced myself from it.
00:14:23
Speaker 3: You know.
00:14:23
Speaker 2: It was the things that were like, baby, you cheated on me and my dream or like do you like my lab haha? Like uh, I'm not even drunk, like just all the things that I had been accused of saying or like accused of being too much from a boyfriend or a girlfriend at the time or whatever. And that video went viral and this was like before virality was even a word, right, And I just remember seeing the comments of being like sending this to all my girlfriends or like you know, this is me and my sister and like, oh, I'm so glad someone said it. And I just remember being like, Okay, I only want to comedy that has like an impact or just like has a connective tissue. Otherwise, like I don't know, I think what's the point comedy can get really like I don't know, self aggrandizing and yeah, just a bit. I don't know, you're doing it for the wrong reasons or for other people, or like trying to chase what's cool.
00:15:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, is there a line for you between this is funny and this is too soon when you're writing about heartbreak?
00:15:27
Speaker 2: Oh man, that's a really good question. I think the best comedy is when I can process a little bit. I don't know that I always know how to make things funny intentionally. I think it. Someone will say something's funny and I was like, oh, that was actually like a painful moment that I went through, and I can see like the audience can kind of help me shape it in the early days. But I think the best comedy I make is when I have time to like collect I need to collect memories. I need to collect experiences.
00:16:01
Speaker 1: Like a hindsight, Like you have to look back and say, Okay, what did I learn? Yeah, and it's just funny in and of itself, but that lends you all right. I always ask comedians when I talk to them about how important it is to be able to laugh at yourself. And I don't think that that is owned by the comedy world, do you know.
00:16:20
Speaker 2: No, I think that that's like the self, that's the self, right, Like you have to be able to laugh at yourself. I think it makes life a lot easier, and it gives other people permission to laugh at themselves too, Like we're all walking around like we're just too cool for school.
00:16:36
Speaker 1: Oh, it's like therapy for yourself. If more people did it, I think it's scary because you're It makes you have to look inward and you have to actually look at yourself, and nobody wants to do it.
00:16:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm like painfully self aware, Like I go anytime I get a new therapist, they're like, you know what's wrong with you? Like you know all your problems. You know that's you know, you know all the language, you know all the therapy words for it, but like, what are we going to do about it?
00:17:03
Speaker 1: Why are you here giving me money when you already could teach this.
00:17:05
Speaker 2: Class exactly exactly, And so you know, And I also think like I like to keep people around me who are mirrors and can reflect up you know, tough stuff that can you know, be be said with like calling me in instead of calling me out. And I really love from that advice from the four Agreements, like you can never take anything personally. And as soon as I started applying that to my life, oh my god, everything got so much easier everything.
00:17:38
Speaker 1: Don't take anything personal.
00:17:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, whether it's like a critique or feedback or a mean comment, or just the way that someone said something to me that I'm like, oh my god, did they actual are they mad at me? Did they mean this?
00:17:53
Speaker 3: Like?
00:17:53
Speaker 2: What what does that actually mean? And then as soon as you's just stop like taking things personally, you're just like, oh, it was just something that was said, and that makes everything so much easier to do.
00:18:04
Speaker 1: It does it does? And also, I mean, if you're into self blaming, which I can do obviously, sometimes you know, oh that was my fault or I you know, and then you realize, actually, no, yeah, what's a joke or a bit from the book that took the most rewrites to land. Something tells me that not many, because naturally it just rolls off after your retrospective look back. It should just come right out right.
00:18:31
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think there was a section just about like codependency, mostly because that was the hardest thing to admit about myself. Like I really had a hard time accepting codependency as something that I could be involved in accused of. I was like, oh not, I like, what do you mean? Look at all of these reasons why I'm not.
00:18:55
Speaker 1: I am codependent.
00:18:57
Speaker 2: Yes, I am, like literally the dependence queen, how dare you? And so I think that was probably the hardest thing to write about and make it funny because it was just hard to admit about myself. But I think that that was like doubly the reason why you have to write about those those hard edges.
00:19:17
Speaker 3: We'll be right back with more of the comedy Save Me podcast. Welcome back to the comedy Save Me podcast.
00:19:30
Speaker 1: Let's talk about the anti healing approach. Yeah, you say the book throws out what we think we know about healing. What is the biggest myth about breakup recovery that you're going after in this book, because it's very important. Yeah.
00:19:46
Speaker 2: I think there's like this myth that if you do XYZ, then you should be able to get up and function and go to work and act like everything sign and like fall in love again. Like I just remember being like I'm doing the breath work, I'm going to social events. I'm you know, I'm forcing myself to get up and like put on makeup and like listen to Beyonce and try to empower myself and like I'm sad still, Like what none of this is working. And I also didn't I think that we are like we all understand that heartbreak is gonna suck and it's supposed to hurt, but like we don't really give people space longer than like a couple weeks to be sad about it, like whether it's group chats or like at work or whatever. It's like, okay, we got to start like getting over things, and sometimes it takes people years to get through it and get over it and understand why this hurts so much. And so for me it was like not only about discovering the pain of the right now, So like the first section is all about the mess, which is like the today pain, and then once you feel a little bit more confident in experiencing the today pain, I got into like, okay, now, how can we look back at what happened? How can we take inventory of the relationship, which a lot of people don't want to do, a lot of people want to get over it and be like shut that door, move on, like time to go to the next and hopefully I don't repeat that same pattern again, or like hopefully I don't fall for that same type of bad boy again. I'll learn from my mistakes, but we don't do any like postmortem about the relationship. And then another big part for me was like what are we going to do about that? Like how do we actually put that into practice? How do we actually use what we've learned and put it into like our daily existence so that we don't make the same heart wrenching, gut life altering mistakes again.
00:21:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, learn from the mistakes so that you don't repeat it, otherwise you're doomed to continue the same loop.
00:21:50
Speaker 2: Exactly. Your brain likes to close loops, Like your brain wants to get things right. So when we end a relationship, and especially if it's coming from a place of lack, our brain first of all wants to fulfill that need. So we're going to give it to the first person that gives that need to us, and then we want to close the loop, so we want to try again. We want to make it successful. Like our brain doesn't like having that broken ending. So for me, it was like really important to have people pause in that piece of healing and be like what do we do with this? Which direction is the right way to go from this? Like how do we actually change our brain chemicals to understand like what we were going through doesn't have to happen again in such a deep painful way that it did.
00:22:38
Speaker 1: No, and you cut right to it. I mean, yeah, you know, I can only imagine therapists looking at even just the title of the book going damn, there's the secret sauce right there, like, what do they need us?
00:22:50
Speaker 2: Best compliment I've gotten? And this happened a lot with my first book, was I have therapists that DM me and say that they give my book to their clients all the time or they like recommend it to their all the time. And I'm like, that's the greatest compliment to receive.
00:23:04
Speaker 1: You ever, it's a huge, huge congratulations on that. What a yeah, Like you're just I love that. I can't everyone really romanticizes their ex after a breakup and stuff, and you go, you were talking earlier about something that reminded me like I used to be that way. I listened to the sad music Chicago. Oh now it's hard for me to Samsar like cry cry. I couldn't get over it. And then I went to a point where this guy I was dating, Oh my god, it was so good looking and so wonderful, but a liar, a horrible liar, and I finally got to the point where I'd been kissed by so many frogs that now I'm like, go ay, don't come back, and he's and he's crying, please don't break up with me. I'm like, talk to the hand. And then I felt like I'm a horrible person, like I'm mad to myself, I'm bad to myself. And now I've completely turned around and I'm treating the guys like they were treating me, which doesn't fix things. So this sounds like a wonderful addition to your reading asap if you're having issues in relationship or you know, just getting out of a bad one.
00:24:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, I like to tell people that it's not just for people like experiencing a breakup right now, It's for anyone that's like been in a relationship before, because there really is stuff to be able to look at and say, like where did that not sit right with me? Or how do I not have that happen again? Or were like what patterns keep showing up that maybe you know, I could take a second look at look in the mirror a little bit.
00:24:34
Speaker 1: Well, like, so he wasn't that bad. That's kind of like the spiral we could go down. How do you talk people off a ledge with that?
00:24:41
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, the first thing is to remember that your brain wants to protect you. Your brain wants to be like, no, we were tricked, we were you know, like this wasn't that as bad as it seems, because I don't ever want to admit that my brain didn't keep me safe, Like my brain didn't keep me in a safe space. And so that's the first thing is it is knowing when to say, like our brain, what is looking back at this with fondness and rose colored colored lenses, because of course we don't want to think about the worst thing that's ever happened to us. We don't want to, especially if we share kids with this person or we created like a long relationship, Like we don't want to trash the entire thing. So we'll do things like romanticize it, and we'll also do things like demonize it like I can't believe they were like this, like they never loved me, and then that kind of like popoosed the entire relationship experience that you had too. But when we do the opposite, which is we embrace the person, we even maybe blame ourselves a little bit. I think we do that because breakup is basically creating like a blank slate for us in our life, right, Like it's a great time for reinvention, Like it's a great time to start over, to get rid of all, like clear the cobwebs. And I think that's almost the part that people need to embrace over the pain and the suffering and the things that we stayed too long for, if that makes sense, Like, yeah, you can start over like literally any time any place today if you want to, Like you can just start a new.
00:26:15
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm dating this guy. I'm engaged to this man. His ex wife and daughter moved across the country to be near me, and I I broke his heart because I knew I wanted to do things. He was a wonderful man, but I had to tell him if I don't do this, I'll live to regret it. And I know I can change my life right now, it's completely like we were engaged, and I literally like changed. I did a three sixty. Yeah that's sometimes I no, that's a half a turn, that's three sixty.
00:26:51
Speaker 2: Yeah. You don't want to come back to the place you started, YEA. I think it depends on your outlook was reationship to shape exactly. But that's huge because the opposite of that is the sunk cost sallacy, right like you're engaged, his ex and child moved to be close to you, Like there's all these things that we give reasons to ourselves as to why we can't break up, like we've invested so much, and so the fact that you were able to say, like it doesn't matter how far we've come or like how much we've done, like you still at the end of the day have to live alone and dialone, right Like we're born alone, we dialone, and you're the person that has to deal with the consequences of your own actions, right Like it's not a team effort, Like you're the person that has to wake up every single day. And so that's so amazing that you were able to recognize that and make that decision for yourself.
00:27:43
Speaker 1: Thank you for saying that. And the reason why I'm sharing it, I guess is because of the exact words you just said, which I have said so many times to people, and it's hard to do. It's not for the faint of heart, but once you do it, you feel like like you said, it's like a rebirth almost. You get to start all over with the blank slate, you know, And as long as you're good to people and good to yourself, and you can go to bed at night knowing that, then it's okay to change your life.
00:28:13
Speaker 2: The craziest thing I experienced when I went through like my biggest breakup was understanding that there is a kind way to have a breakup. Yes, like so many of my relationships had ended with these like huge, fiery, like life altering endings, that when I realized there's a kind way to uncouple and untangle your life with someone, it can be really relieving, Like you don't have to hate each other, You don't have to want to like pop each other's tires and light each other's shit on fire, Like you can come from a place of love and saying like this isn't the best thing for me, and because I love you, I don't want that for you either, Like we both should not diminish our shine or stagnate our lives because of that. Like that's actually very loving to do. It's kind Even if maybe you know one person wants to break up the other doesn't, Like, yeah, they will come to see that's hard. Yeah, you will come to see eventually like not only is it survivable, but like it happened for a reason.
00:29:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, totally. Oh my goodness. What what's one piece? I love this conversation so much. What one piece of conventional breakup advice that you actually think is actively bad for people and they should be aware of it. Like it's one of those red alert red flags that goes up when you hear it.
00:29:34
Speaker 2: Hmm uh. I think there's the myth that you're supposed to put on like your hottest dress and go get drunk with your girlfriends. That has never ended well for any girl going through a breakup. No one has down like six martinis and gone out dancing and hooked up with some random person that they barely remember and the next day and like I think that did it?
00:29:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that really was.
00:30:00
Speaker 2: That's the thing. Yeah, I feel great today. Actually, Like no, I would argue, don't put on your hottest outfit and go out and get drunk. Like, you know, we use substances like we use we use alcohol as a form of therapy post breakup in a way that is like definitely romanticized. And movies do it like we think that's what we're supposed to do, and I actually think we should be doing the opposite. I think we should put on our hottest dresses with our girlfriends and lay on the couch and like have a craft night and do something that does not involve getting obliterated out of your mind.
00:30:37
Speaker 1: And you know, you.
00:30:38
Speaker 2: Don't have to talk about the breakup. You don't have to do like woo woo therapy stuff. But I just I'm cautioned to tell people that the first thing they should do is like go out. And what's that phrase, like get under someone to get over someone?
00:30:53
Speaker 1: Oh wow, I've never heard that before.
00:30:56
Speaker 2: Really, let's get over someone. You gotta get under someone else. No, never never worked out. It never worked out, all.
00:31:04
Speaker 1: Right, without spoiling the book, What's one concrete thing readers can do that the day that they read the book, don't do what I did, but not just eventually like the day that they read it. One thing.
00:31:16
Speaker 2: I love this piece because it's actually the very first thing I put in the book. It's like in the first pages where it was revelatory for me, which was the way you talk about your breakup is the way you will experience your breakup, so your brain is listening to the way you talk about it. So if you're telling everyone it was the worst thing that ever happened to you, you have no idea how you're going to get over it. You're never gonna love again. You're the status you've ever been. Like, your brain is hearing you say this, and you're telling it to anyone that will listen. Your best friend, your mom, your sisters, the barista, your mail man. Like literally, you're saying this narrative and your brain is hearing the trauma and your your body is reliving that pain. It's why we start like tearing up when we start talking about stuff. And even if it was that bad, even if it was that dramatic, this exercise in this tool is for you. This is like a gift you're giving to yourself, which is you're going to change the way you talk about your breakup, so instead of spewing and letting your bleeding heart lie out on the table for everyone to see. An easy trick you can just start today, even if you're faking it, even if it's bullshit, even if you don't mean it. It's changing the narrative. So when someone asks or if you need to say something about it. What I changed the way I talked about it was I just started saying it didn't work out and we broke up.
00:32:37
Speaker 1: That was it.
00:32:38
Speaker 2: And then I would change the subject and then I would move on and I would start talking about something else, or like if they ask questions, I would just redirect it into a conversation that didn't have me re traumatizing myself every time I spoke about it. He did this, you wouldn't believe it was that, Like, yeah, it's validating, and it feels good to have someone be like, oh my god, that sucked, because it does suck. It really does suck.
00:33:00
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:33:00
Speaker 2: But again, this is a tiny little psychology hack and trick is to just start speaking into an existence a different narrative of how the breakup went, which is like it's really helps when you do it, When you just start enacting it, it can really change the way you get up and experience a breakup every single day.
00:33:20
Speaker 1: Absolutely, you're you're literally suggesting that we train our brains, which we can do because the brain is also like a muscle. Although a lot of doctor's babe, thank you, so you can. I learned that memorizing eighty pages. When I used to work at VH one, I had to They didn't have teleprompters, so I had to actually rememberize everything, and then I couldn't believe that muscle works. I mean, it literally does work. And what you're saying can be put in place of a breakup or anything like why aren't I I can't get a job, I'm not happy? What's wrong? Like this is bad? In this, this is bad and I can't I can't. Well, it starts saying if you can. If you keep saying you can't, you perpetuate what's bailing you and you never get out from under it.
00:34:10
Speaker 2: Your brain is listening like the what you sew you grow or whatever. I got a lot of weird quipy saying, but.
00:34:17
Speaker 1: They mean something like when you get older. You're like, that's why they say that, because you don't really know until you.
00:34:22
Speaker 2: Experience exactly and then you're like, oh, it really can be just as simple as like thirty seconds a day saying the opposite of what your brain is trying to tell yourself and just be like, no, I'm actually going to think this and it's just an exercise in like mantra work. If you will even.
00:34:38
Speaker 1: Oh, hell yeah, no, I mean that is the the It's like one of the best prescriptions you could give people. If they do it, you have to do it.
00:34:46
Speaker 2: You have to have to do it, and it takes nothing. It's free ninety nine to do free ninety nine.
00:34:52
Speaker 1: I love it. If your ex Kelsey is reading this book right now, or if he reads the book, what you think the reaction would be.
00:35:03
Speaker 2: I know that he got a copy. I did. I do know that he got a copy. I got word that he has a copy. I think different exes will say different things. I know my longest relationship X, it's nothing but love, like that we were such large chapters in each other's lives, and like we wouldn't be who we are and where we are today without each other. So I think there's like a ton of gratitude and love. But if the other ones are listening, they know who they are, and I hope you know they see this and they know you know it was no thanks to them. It was no thanks to them. I did all the work myself. I've put in the hours I put in the dredge and the sledge in the time of writing a book. That they were just a tiny little page in you know, I like I use the word tiny little fake. They're just a small, tiny lasted page in the book, Just a.
00:35:57
Speaker 1: Little tiny page in the book. Wow, I love it. I was reading your I am Well. For anyone who doesn't know Kelsey Dara is, just go to her IMDb page and watch her demo reel. I actually had to reapply my makeup before I got on with you because I didn't realize that clip. It's Hille. It's like you all your It's like a mashup of all of your really cool funny videos online.
00:36:23
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I have not seen I gotta go back and watch it. It's probably been years since I've seen that.
00:36:28
Speaker 1: I'm watching it, I'm like laughing out loud. My husband's like, what are you doing down there?
00:36:32
Speaker 2: I thank you for saying that.
00:36:35
Speaker 1: What is next for you? Do you have where you're going to do? More books, more content, more chaos? Where can people find you and your joy that they need in their life?
00:36:46
Speaker 3: Oh?
00:36:47
Speaker 2: Thanks? Yeah, I'm Kelsey Darra all over the internet. I love making content that's just like relatable and makes me laugh, So like I try to, you know, contribute to the fun good beside of the Internet every day with where you know the algorithm can be going. In this economy and in this day and age, I try to contribute just a little bit to make people laugh. I would love to write more books. I've recently pitched a book about sobriety, and then I also had just pitched my first fiction book that I'm like toying with the idea of writing. So you know, I'll never stop being loud and proud and obnoxious. It'll just be like, which subject matter are we taking on this year?
00:37:33
Speaker 1: Fantastic? And by the way she spells her last name d A R r A g h in cause you were going online right now to look her up, you won't be disappointed. Kelsey Darra. And if I said your last name when correctly, I apologize. But it's been such a pleasure to have you on and to talk to you. And will you come back again, like the next time you do something big and share it with us?
00:37:54
Speaker 2: Oh my god, Yes, And thank you so much for having me and asking such thoughtful questions and even having this space to do something like that's wow.
00:38:01
Speaker 3: Thank you, I'm buzz night, and thanks for listening to comedy Save Me with Lynn Hoffman and do check out our other podcast, Lynn Hoffman's Music Save Me podcast.
00:38:14
Speaker 1: Also Sarah Harrelson and Taking a Walk Nashville and Don't Forget also about taking a Walk hosted by Yours Truly. All shows are available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and are part of the iHeart podcast network
