The Challenges and Triumphs of Modern Parenting

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All right. Good afternoon, everyone.
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This is Marsha Cartali, and I am your emotional wellness coach reminding you
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that life is going to life.
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There are no definites, but there are definitely some guidance and some things
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we have in place to help us navigate this life.
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And none of us have all the answers, but certainly our experiences have taught
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us that we should listen to those people who've been through it,
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done it, pay attention to our own feelings and experiences, and just be more
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observant so we can learn from nature and learn from other people.
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So on the topic of learning from nature and from other people,
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today I want to touch base on parenting,
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the struggles, the pros, the positives, and also the cuddle culture that is
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affecting our children.
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So let me start by saying this.
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I am a mother and I've been pregnant multiple times.
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I've had pregnancy loss and I also am a proud parent, mother to a fabulous human
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being, someone that I'm extremely proud of.
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She is extremely resilient.
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She is well-rounded. She is a creative individual. She is humble.
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She's ambitious. She's kind.
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She comes from a place of good heart. She shows up with her passion.
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And I'm not talking about myself. I'm actually talking about my child.
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My child is someone that I am in awe of often because of just how she is growing up.
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But I would be amiss to say there weren't moments where I was wrong.
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I did things wrong as a mother.
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And there were things that she did as a child that caused for concern for me.
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I have been a mother now for almost 17 years.
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And I am super grateful that I am a mother. This is one of my best decisions.
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And I know some people do not like to equate being a parent to an accomplishment.
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And there are people who do not have children who do not understand that truly
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it is a huge accomplishment to develop a human person, to develop a whole nother person.
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It is an accomplishment.
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It truly, truly is. I am also now a single mother because her father,
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my husband, he passed away.
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And so for the last couple of years, two years, he passed in 2022.
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So three years, actually, I have been, well, two plus years because it was end of 2022.
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I've been raising her on my own and I moved back to the UK so I could be closer
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to my parents and to other family members for that familial support.
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And one thing I do know is that some parents do not always have the community
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around them to help them to raise their children.
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And when it comes to parenting, a village makes a difference.
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But the right village makes the most difference.
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Of course, any village that you're in, any village that you raise your child
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in, they're going to be affected by it.
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They're going to be influenced by it. And so knowing the environment I live in,
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knowing what support system I have in place or do not have in place,
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I put in an effort, extra effort to ensure that I parent to the best of my abilities.
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Like to cap out at how well I can be a good mother because I am the only parent
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she has now and I have to do the best job that I can do.
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As much as I'm saying a lot of I's in this statement, I understand how draining
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that can be for other mothers, for other fathers, because there are also single fathers.
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There are other parents who are in codependent relationships where they're co-parenting.
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And I did that, too, for a while with our dad.
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And so I understand the co-parenting struggles as well. but I also understand
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the co-parenting triumph because we actually did it very well eventually.
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So when we talk about parenting, how important is it?
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Like some people do want to minimize the role of a parent or having children.
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Some people call us birthers and we're not talking to or about those people.
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We are talking to those people who understand the value of bearing children and parenthood.
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And this is also to those of you who want to have children. You may not have
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them now, but you want to have them.
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You may have them later or you can't have them.
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And you may be the person who's open to adopting or fostering or just opening
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your arms to be a parent to someone else.
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When you are parenting someone day in, day out, it takes effort.
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Some people find it okay to parent from a distance.
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It's okay for them. And they think when they send a few text messages,
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if they give you child support money, that's parenting. And they feel like that's enough.
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So they parent from a distance and not understanding that parenting is up close and personal.
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Parenting is individual and it is something that you're committed to doing day in and day out.
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Parenting is not perfect.
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It comes with mistakes. It comes with you doing it wrong.
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It comes with some stressful days. It comes with joys.
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It comes with pride. It comes with guilt.
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It comes with bitterness and anger. It comes with the unknown, confusion.
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It comes with a lot of layers.
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Again, the task of raising another human being is not an easy task.
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Developing another person is not an easy task.
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So for me, parenting means everything.
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The way a child is raised and rare defines in a lot of ways the person that child becomes.
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If you think back to your own childhood, how that shaped who you are today.
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I think about my own childhood and how that contributed significantly to the person that I am today.
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I am very resilient because of hardship.
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I know how to survive because of poverty.
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I am able to stand independently because I have been abandoned and left feeling
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like I have to figure it out on my own from a very young age.
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And so there are certain skills that I've developed and mastered over the years
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because some of those things started in childhood.
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So you think about what parenting means to you. What role did your parents play in your life?
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How did your parents impact you and influence you today?
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And if you are a parent, What are some of the struggles that you face?
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Lots of times when people talk about parenting, they exclude,
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not deliberately, but it happens.
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They exclude the children that are physically disabled, those who are mentally
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impaired, intellectually impaired or disabled,
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those who come out with all different types of concerns health-wise.
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We don't talk about the children with mental health issues.
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We also don't talk about the parents that may be dealing with that,
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struggling with that in private, struggling to figure it out on their own,
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not wanting to be judged because no parent wants to be judged.
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I saw a clip the other day of a lady with her son who was also autistic.
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She went into a grocery store, actually, yeah, a gas station.
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And in the U.S., I think that's the same here in the U.K., there are stores at the gas station.
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And she walked in, and her son was acting the fool.
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He wanted some stuff, and she was like, no. and then eventually she took him
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up and she was yelling at him and she grabbed on him and just threw him to the floor.
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Luckily, and I say luckily, because every child needs an advocate.
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Luckily the strangers that were in the store, in the shop, said,
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uh-uh, no ma'am, that's not okay, hey, that's unacceptable.
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You cannot be physically abusing your child.
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That's not right. No. And they separated this mother from my child.
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And as I'm listening, the police showed up. And as I'm listening to her,
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for her, she thought she was disciplining him.
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And there were other concerns, of course, but she was just saying,
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you know, you don't understand.
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He needs to take his meds. he needs
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this that and the other and all those things were
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fair but what wasn't fair is the way she treated him
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that was not okay it was unacceptable but it
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was also very clear that there was something that she needed to work on there
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was something wrong with her as well for you to do that as a parent there's
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something else going on and I'm saying that with very little judgment because
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I understand sometimes in the space of frustration,
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parents do things they regret.
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I will never justify abuse to a child.
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In fact, that is one of the things that you will never get me sympathizing for anyone.
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Anyone. I'm not going to justify or empathize with you If you choose to continue
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to physically, mentally, emotionally,
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sexually abuse a child, no, absolutely not.
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I am not going to defend that.
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And I have very, very little sympathy for the consequences you get if you are
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a person who is committed to hurting children.
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I am fully aware that it's challenging at times to raise kids that are aggressive,
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that are temperamental, that are out of control, who will not listen,
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who are moody, who are very quiet.
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I understand it because I've been a teacher for many, many years, but I'm also a parent.
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But gratefully, I don't have a lot of discipline. I have no discipline issues
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with my daughter, gratefully.
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But again, that just depends on how you raise your child.
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It doesn't always just depend on that. I think in some ways I got very,
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very lucky, to be honest.
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I do also feel like I have implemented our dad and I put some things in place
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from a very young age that helped her to form our personality very early on.
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And she knew how to express herself without relying on anger, for one thing.
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And then she was not, she was born a healthy child.
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She didn't have any cognitive impairment and other things that may contribute
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to her personality disorders or behavior.
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But there are parents out here who have to deal with all of that.
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And it may not have been when they were younger. Your child may have been a
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perfect child growing up and then something happened.
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And I use perfect loosely because let's be clear, we don't like using that word
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around here. Perfection is for things.
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It's not for people. People cannot be perfect.
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So when we talk about anything, we can say something is perfect,
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but someone, nobody can be.
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It's impossible. Impossible.
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Impossible. But there are some children, you just don't have any issues with
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them. They're joyful, happy kids.
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They listen well. They want to make sure you're happy and they just get on with it.
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And then there are some other children. So the first question,
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And as a parent, I want to ask you.
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Why is your child so angry? Why is your child misbehaving? Why doesn't your child respect you?
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Why is it that you feel so disconnected from your child?
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Why is it easier for you to be physical with that child than you are able to
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open up to them and give them emotional support or support in the ways that they need it. Why?
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Have you considered how you as a parent have contributed to how your child is today?
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And of course, again, not coming from a place of judgment unless you are consistently being abusive.
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I am judging you. And I pray that you get all the consequences you deserve for abusing a child.
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I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not even going to front and sugarcoat it and
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pretend as if I have all the empathy or sympathy in the world for a person who's, I am not.
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So as much as I understand the struggles of raising these children,
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I also understand that there are support systems out there that may not be readily
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available to you. But I will tell you one thing that is.
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YouTube, the internet, it's full of information. Books, they're still available.
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Some of you have communities like the churches and other places that can help you.
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You just have to go. You just have to make the effort and go.
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Now, I'm saying that, I don't know your situation personally.
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So I don't know how readily available any of these things are to you.
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But I will encourage you.
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Of course, as you use the internet, use it with wisdom.
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But sometimes as a parent, the problem is you.
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Sometimes you have to work on you.
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You have to get help to deal with your own childhood traumas so that you can
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effectively raise your child without traumatizing them too.
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Some of you are bleeding on your children from wounds that happened in your
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childhood from your own parents.
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And you have to heal from those in order to prevent you passing on now what
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will become a generational curse.
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You can stop it in its track. You have the power to say no.
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And I'm going to share my own anecdote.
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I know that my mother, now I believe my parents did the best they thought they
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could do at the time with the resources.
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And by resources, I mean internally, like just their capacity at the time.
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But I was raised where I got hits.
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I got licks. And sometimes parents want to justify why they do that.
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And I remember after After I have my daughter, I made a decision with my husband
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at the beginning, from the beginning, that physical or corporal punishment would be the last resort.
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We would have to become creative and find different ways to discipline our daughter.
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We had to find different ways to discipline our child because we both knew what
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it was like for someone to be physical to us to the point of abuse.
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To the point of physical abuse. When someone puts a cigarette on you and burn
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you and you still have the scars on your body until you're a grown man, that's abuse.
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When someone hits you in a way where you have the scars on your face or on your
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chest until you're a grown woman, that is abuse.
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And I remember one situation where I did not react appropriately to my daughter and I cried.
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I was so upset with myself.
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And from that day, I made a commitment to myself never again, never again.
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And to this day, I have honored that for the most part.
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There are times where I still raise my voice or I still say something and then
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I go, okay, maybe I shouldn't have said that.
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And and go apologize to my child. And I know some of you think apologizing to
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your child is beneath you. Okay.
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I'm telling you right this minute, if you don't learn to do that and do that
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effectively, not to the point where you're enabling and cuddling them,
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but to the point, and by cuddle, I'm talking about C-O-D-D-L-E.
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I'm going to talk more about that in a bit.
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You're going to see the consequences of not Yes.
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Being open and transparent with your children in the long run.
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So what I can tell you has worked for me well is that I am very transparent with my daughter.
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I am very open with her and I share with her when I feel like I did not do well
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as a parent, that whatever parenting techniques I was using at the time, I sucked at it.
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Or I will tell her what I think I did well.
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We will talk a lot and I open the floor so that she can share with me.
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Now, I will tell you, as close as we are, because we are very,
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very close, and as much as we've always talked and had candid conversations
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from the time before she could talk,
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I was always talking to her, like in full sentences.
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I've always never did the baby talk, and I don't know what that means scientifically.
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I'm just telling you how I did it. I always spoke to her in full sentences.
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So when she could finally articulate, which was early on in life,
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and I wanted to ensure she could, I wanted her to be able to say,
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mom, someone did this, that, that was a big thing for me.
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It was a big thing for me because I know what it was like to be touched inappropriately
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and not being able to say that to your mother or feeling safe enough to say it.
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So a big thing, I wanted my daughter to be able to communicate verbally,
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express herself from a very early age.
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But as much as we are close, I see that now as she's getting to an older age
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and with the passing of her dad and there are certain emotional things she's dealing with.
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That it's not as easy for her to open up to me about certain things because
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one, she wants to navigate her life on her terms. That's one.
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Two, she wants to protect me. So she doesn't want to share something or share
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emotions or certain parts of herself that she feels would be upsetting to me
00:21:07.315 --> 00:21:09.415
or bring me down and cause me to be sad.
00:21:09.935 --> 00:21:15.995
So I'm too navigating that. I'm working around that. I'm trying to figure that out myself.
00:21:17.575 --> 00:21:25.195
So I will say this to you. As a parent, it is going to be important for you,
00:21:26.418 --> 00:21:31.678
to open, to have open conversations with your children, to talk with them.
00:21:31.898 --> 00:21:36.898
But what happens when the conversation is not going anywhere?
00:21:37.438 --> 00:21:43.278
What happens when they're just not listening anymore? There's something else going on.
00:21:43.758 --> 00:21:46.898
And there's something else could vary.
00:21:47.778 --> 00:21:55.078
Sometimes your children are a product of the environment they are in or were
00:21:55.078 --> 00:21:56.638
in or how you raised them.
00:21:57.058 --> 00:22:04.058
And sometimes it's a consequence of an action that they took later on.
00:22:04.218 --> 00:22:06.238
They might choose the wrong company.
00:22:06.418 --> 00:22:10.678
They may choose to ingest a mind-altering substance.
00:22:11.638 --> 00:22:18.758
Something may have happened. They may not be able to know how to navigate emotional
00:22:18.758 --> 00:22:24.138
breakups, things that happen in their life, because life is going to life and things going to happen.
00:22:24.578 --> 00:22:29.358
And sometimes our kids just don't have the resilience to deal with life.
00:22:29.938 --> 00:22:36.698
So let me get into it. I wanted to talk about cuddle culture.
00:22:37.298 --> 00:22:47.798
Now, there is a difference between cuddle, C-U-D-D-L-E, which means hold close
00:22:47.798 --> 00:22:50.358
in one's arms as a way of showing love or affection.
00:22:50.578 --> 00:22:55.498
So basically, cuddle means you're giving someone a hug as a means of showing
00:22:55.498 --> 00:23:00.158
them you love them and you're giving them your affection.
00:23:00.358 --> 00:23:02.938
That's C-U-D-D-L-E.
00:23:03.658 --> 00:23:10.938
C-O-D-D-L-E, which is what I would like to address today, is when you treat
00:23:10.938 --> 00:23:14.878
someone in an indulgent or overprotective way.
00:23:15.658 --> 00:23:17.638
Indulgent or overprotective way.
00:23:18.958 --> 00:23:24.438
Now, that means when you shelter your kids, when you want to make sure that
00:23:24.438 --> 00:23:30.478
they're all, they're always, my husband would say, helicopter mom.
00:23:30.918 --> 00:23:35.478
He would call me that sometimes. And I have to check myself because as much
00:23:35.478 --> 00:23:39.958
as I want to be protective, and you have to be protective of your children,
00:23:39.978 --> 00:23:43.878
and you have to be advocates of your children, you must be.
00:23:44.078 --> 00:23:49.358
You must first be advocates of your children, protectors of your children,
00:23:49.498 --> 00:23:51.718
and friend, friend of your children.
00:23:51.998 --> 00:23:57.638
I know some people really, really feel like as a parent, you should not be your
00:23:57.638 --> 00:23:59.878
children's friend. I disagree.
00:24:00.158 --> 00:24:07.738
And I'm a strong disciplinarian. I am pretty good at disciplining without physical
00:24:07.738 --> 00:24:11.798
contact because some people are only good at corporal punishment.
00:24:12.318 --> 00:24:17.398
But I've developed, and I think part of it is as a teacher, you can't hit on
00:24:17.398 --> 00:24:20.798
these children, not in the places I've lived.
00:24:20.858 --> 00:24:25.078
So you have to find different ways of disciplining kids.
00:24:26.391 --> 00:24:30.591
I do understand the need to protect your children and be an advocate.
00:24:31.011 --> 00:24:37.011
And I also understand the importance of being in a position of respect and also
00:24:37.011 --> 00:24:39.551
a position where they consider you a friend.
00:24:39.751 --> 00:24:43.611
And it is a very, I won't say it's a very fine line.
00:24:44.331 --> 00:24:48.351
It's teaching your children how to respect boundaries.
00:24:48.831 --> 00:24:56.151
So as my daughter's friend, she knows she can talk to me about most things or a lot of things.
00:24:56.391 --> 00:25:00.291
But she also knows that there are certain conversations we can't have.
00:25:00.631 --> 00:25:05.371
And I've made the mistake as a parent to share things with her that I probably
00:25:05.371 --> 00:25:08.371
should not have shared because she's still a child.
00:25:08.851 --> 00:25:13.551
And that's the other thing. As parents, you have to set boundaries for yourself and for your children.
00:25:13.751 --> 00:25:18.411
You can't share everything with your kids, but you do have a level of friendship.
00:25:18.831 --> 00:25:25.731
You do have a level of I like you as a person, and I hope that you like me as a person.
00:25:26.391 --> 00:25:31.751
At the end of the day, we're people. So as parents, you're still a person that
00:25:31.751 --> 00:25:33.071
your children should like.
00:25:33.651 --> 00:25:37.811
And I really think we get this thing convoluted where we say,
00:25:37.951 --> 00:25:39.291
oh, people should respect me.
00:25:39.451 --> 00:25:41.711
They don't have to like me, but they have to respect me. Well,
00:25:41.771 --> 00:25:45.831
with my child, I want her to like me and to respect me.
00:25:46.271 --> 00:25:48.931
I want my child to like and respect me.
00:25:49.471 --> 00:25:54.451
And likewise, I want to like and respect my child because we are people.
00:25:54.771 --> 00:26:00.751
I'm developing a whole person. And the interesting thing is your child will
00:26:00.751 --> 00:26:08.891
learn how to relate, communicate, and respond to other people based on how they were raised in.
00:26:09.431 --> 00:26:13.211
At home. You are your child's first friend.
00:26:13.651 --> 00:26:17.331
You are the first person who teaches them about being human,
00:26:17.571 --> 00:26:21.291
about how to operate in this world around them.
00:26:21.411 --> 00:26:26.711
So for you to have the mindset that your child shouldn't like you, that's silly.
00:26:26.951 --> 00:26:31.871
Or that they should only fear you is silly.
00:26:32.351 --> 00:26:35.891
It's silly. but it plays out in the run.
00:26:36.151 --> 00:26:43.771
In the long run, some of you learn the consequences of your action or your inactions.
00:26:44.411 --> 00:26:50.511
You learn the hard way that how you've done things may have not been the way to do it.
00:26:50.651 --> 00:26:54.371
And I can't blame you for you not knowing what you don't know.
00:26:54.511 --> 00:27:01.251
But what I can say is we do have resources in this day and age to help us.
00:27:01.691 --> 00:27:04.111
And one of them is to listen and observe.
00:27:04.811 --> 00:27:09.511
No one knows your child like you, or no one else should know your child like you.
00:27:09.611 --> 00:27:13.411
You should know your child to a point, to a point.
00:27:13.611 --> 00:27:17.831
At some point, someone else will learn your child more than you.
00:27:18.331 --> 00:27:26.151
But so let me jump to this. One of the observations I made is that mothers.
00:27:27.231 --> 00:27:34.371
Especially single mothers with boys, have a tendency to cuddle the hell out
00:27:34.371 --> 00:27:38.271
of their boys a lot more than they would with their girl children.
00:27:38.791 --> 00:27:46.631
Mothers with boys just tend to have this, I can't say unhealthy because some
00:27:46.631 --> 00:27:49.891
of it, yeah, in some cases, it is a little unhealthy.
00:27:50.771 --> 00:27:55.231
I've seen the extremes. I've seen mothers who will do everything for their kids
00:27:55.231 --> 00:27:57.031
in the house from their chores to that.
00:27:57.311 --> 00:28:02.231
And the two mothers who act like their son is their husbands.
00:28:02.851 --> 00:28:05.551
And that's not healthy. That's not okay.
00:28:06.331 --> 00:28:09.491
Because again you are the first
00:28:09.491 --> 00:28:12.611
teachers of how your children should
00:28:12.611 --> 00:28:15.471
relate to people around them and how they
00:28:15.471 --> 00:28:18.391
understand themselves how they understand boundaries how
00:28:18.391 --> 00:28:23.111
they understand how to establish expectations and relationships how to communicate
00:28:23.111 --> 00:28:29.411
how to express themselves you you teach them all of that so what are you teaching
00:28:29.411 --> 00:28:36.571
your child so this part is really I want mothers and fathers to listen, of course.
00:28:37.111 --> 00:28:46.031
But mothers of boys, I do want you to pay attention to how you deal with your boy child.
00:28:46.651 --> 00:28:56.531
Because some of you are the source of why these men have so many issues in their relationships now.
00:28:57.674 --> 00:29:06.814
Fathers, some of you are the reason why these boys are having a difficult time developing as men.
00:29:08.154 --> 00:29:11.474
So, came across this Reddit post.
00:29:11.974 --> 00:29:17.674
And it's actually, apparently it's deleted, or the person's account is deleted.
00:29:17.754 --> 00:29:22.094
Anyway, long story short, the question was, why do so many mothers cuddle their
00:29:22.094 --> 00:29:24.374
sons but are hard on their daughters?
00:29:24.954 --> 00:29:29.214
So, I noticed that this is a common practice. which I've also noticed.
00:29:29.714 --> 00:29:32.894
And the son is always the favorite child. Why is this?
00:29:33.074 --> 00:29:39.634
And we wonder why there's so many man children out there who can't even do basic household chores.
00:29:40.374 --> 00:29:44.934
This is observed across the board in many, many, many, many,
00:29:44.934 --> 00:29:48.754
many cultures where the boy child is the favorite.
00:29:49.454 --> 00:29:55.834
And there are some cultures where if the woman has a girl child, she's frowned upon.
00:29:56.014 --> 00:30:01.654
And that child may even be, you know, taken, not the worst of that.
00:30:02.574 --> 00:30:06.214
And their lives may be taken. Let's put it that way.
00:30:06.374 --> 00:30:14.174
And because for, in some cultures, girls were not as revered as boys.
00:30:14.554 --> 00:30:19.434
Like the boys were holier than holy and could do no wrong.
00:30:19.834 --> 00:30:25.694
And then you see how the mothers, Mothers who you would think would know how
00:30:25.694 --> 00:30:35.214
detrimental it is for people to treat you like you're not good enough or just belittle you.
00:30:35.354 --> 00:30:40.754
And these same mothers to daughters, they continue the same patterns with their
00:30:40.754 --> 00:30:44.874
girl children while putting their boys on this pedestal.
00:30:45.374 --> 00:30:51.774
So this man says, my wife will intervene and help my son with simple chores.
00:30:52.154 --> 00:30:56.894
Unload the dishwasher, move his laundry downstairs, put things away.
00:30:57.634 --> 00:30:59.834
And this is observant.
00:31:00.594 --> 00:31:05.234
A lot of people can see this. Mothers of boys tend to do that.
00:31:05.394 --> 00:31:07.974
It's like their son can't do anything.
00:31:08.274 --> 00:31:13.094
They are so fragile and they must do it for them.
00:31:13.574 --> 00:31:21.394
And those same boys grow up with some significant issues later on when they
00:31:21.394 --> 00:31:29.594
realize that life is going to life and when they can't deal with it,
00:31:29.734 --> 00:31:31.634
they can't hack it, they can't handle it.
00:31:32.154 --> 00:31:39.674
Because the norm that was, the standard that was established for them at home
00:31:39.674 --> 00:31:43.294
was that the woman is going to do everything for me.
00:31:43.994 --> 00:31:49.434
I have to do very little. I just need to show up and it will be done for me.
00:31:49.974 --> 00:31:52.374
And that's how a lot of these.
00:31:53.533 --> 00:31:59.533
Men were raised, especially if they were raised in a single mother household.
00:31:59.753 --> 00:32:05.053
And no blame to single mothers because they are the mothers who stayed or remained
00:32:05.053 --> 00:32:10.173
to do the job, to finish developing a human being.
00:32:10.313 --> 00:32:14.013
So no blame to those people. You cannot.
00:32:14.333 --> 00:32:20.033
It's like you have to equip these women, single mothers, to raise their children.
00:32:20.333 --> 00:32:26.213
But we cannot ignore that there are some issues that are creating havoc later
00:32:26.213 --> 00:32:27.933
on in life for these children.
00:32:28.533 --> 00:32:34.293
In schools, they're acting out. And then later in life, they will continue to
00:32:34.293 --> 00:32:38.153
act out in their relationships and end up in all types of situations.
00:32:39.053 --> 00:32:44.053
She said to my daughter, the husband says to my daughter, she will not move a singer.
00:32:44.573 --> 00:32:49.833
I do not like living in a mess and I am not doing anyone else's chores.
00:32:50.213 --> 00:32:55.173
I have pointed out this behavior and she thinks it's me being mean.
00:32:55.673 --> 00:33:00.973
So when the husband tells the mother, the wife, you can't do everything for
00:33:00.973 --> 00:33:05.453
a son, she thinks the husband's being mean. And I've heard this from other men.
00:33:05.813 --> 00:33:11.573
I have heard other men talk about how the mothers will have a serious issue,
00:33:12.213 --> 00:33:16.053
if the father steps in and says, you are cuddling this child.
00:33:16.973 --> 00:33:20.133
And then they do the complete opposite with the girls.
00:33:20.933 --> 00:33:26.153
He says, how are things when wife is not around? Surprise, surprise, he does his chores.
00:33:26.973 --> 00:33:32.533
Same with food. He's been a picky eater, but only when his mother is around.
00:33:32.913 --> 00:33:37.893
And we see that with children. I see that with children in secondary school, high school,
00:33:38.673 --> 00:33:43.193
where they just act a certain way around a group of teachers or assess a teacher
00:33:43.193 --> 00:33:48.673
or a person, a certain teacher, because they know that teacher will enable certain behaviors.
00:33:49.073 --> 00:33:52.213
And around another teacher, no, they're fine.
00:33:52.453 --> 00:33:54.653
They're getting on with business. They're getting on with it.
00:33:54.893 --> 00:34:00.333
But you have these wives and mothers cuddling poor behaviors.
00:34:00.913 --> 00:34:05.113
Someone responded to that and said, boys are perceived to be less emotionally
00:34:05.113 --> 00:34:08.893
intelligent than girls, even from toddler age.
00:34:09.213 --> 00:34:12.873
There's an interesting study on it, they said.
00:34:13.373 --> 00:34:19.973
Mom will talk to boy toddlers considerably more than girls during the crucial
00:34:19.973 --> 00:34:24.213
stages of development. That's scary. That is very scary.
00:34:27.513 --> 00:34:31.273
So then someone else says as a
00:34:31.273 --> 00:34:34.473
mom of both I caught myself doing this without realizing
00:34:34.473 --> 00:34:41.513
it found out I was subconsciously treating my son like my ex-husband's mom treated
00:34:41.513 --> 00:34:48.413
him doing everything for him changed that real quick once I noticed now both
00:34:48.413 --> 00:34:51.733
my kids do their own laundry and cooking basic meals Yes.
00:34:52.787 --> 00:34:58.607
Lot of people are just not aware. They're not self-aware to pay attention to what they're doing.
00:34:59.407 --> 00:35:06.707
I do remember going to a restaurant in Texas, Papado's, and it's like my favorite restaurant there.
00:35:07.327 --> 00:35:12.647
And I was sitting by the bar. I don't drink, but you get the food quicker there.
00:35:12.867 --> 00:35:18.107
And a lot of times they actually don't have any seats because the seats are
00:35:18.107 --> 00:35:20.367
filled up, but at the bar sometimes you can get a spot.
00:35:20.587 --> 00:35:24.467
Anyway, I met a lady and we just started talking.
00:35:24.947 --> 00:35:29.207
We were getting on and we're just talking and sharing information and she told
00:35:29.207 --> 00:35:36.587
me how she is a mother of boys and I was just talking to her for whatever reason
00:35:36.587 --> 00:35:38.027
because sometimes that happens with me.
00:35:38.107 --> 00:35:44.707
I'm talking and I'm just, I'm sharing things about that person's life that I
00:35:44.707 --> 00:35:47.047
don't know about, but I'm just sharing it.
00:35:47.187 --> 00:35:52.467
So we were talking and I was saying to her, you know, as a mother of boys,
00:35:52.467 --> 00:35:54.607
a lot of times we have to be very careful.
00:35:54.607 --> 00:36:00.707
I don't have a boy, I have a girl, but I was telling her that just essentially
00:36:00.707 --> 00:36:07.307
just being very mindful because of how we treat boys compared to our girls, da, da, da, da, da.
00:36:07.467 --> 00:36:13.407
So we were talking. And as we were talking, I saw the light bulb go off on this
00:36:13.407 --> 00:36:16.687
lady just in her mind because she says,
00:36:17.067 --> 00:36:25.087
I actually just had a daughter and I've always been a mom of boys, but I just had a girl.
00:36:25.087 --> 00:36:33.087
And I've realized as we're talking how differently I do treat her compared to them.
00:36:33.587 --> 00:36:39.067
And what she said was because she is the person that can bring home the child,
00:36:39.507 --> 00:36:43.627
like get pregnant and bring home a baby, but they just go off and,
00:36:43.627 --> 00:36:47.127
you know, do their thing. So I give my son's condoms.
00:36:48.160 --> 00:36:52.360
And I'm sitting there going, whoa, whoa, whoa. But that's the mentality.
00:36:52.540 --> 00:36:58.040
I can't even be judgmental or judgy because the truth is that's how people address it.
00:36:58.160 --> 00:37:03.940
With boys, go out and sow your royal oats. With girls, it's a complete different story.
00:37:04.300 --> 00:37:09.660
And some of us do that subconsciously and we repeat the same patterns,
00:37:10.280 --> 00:37:15.300
the same patterns that we thought we were breaking.
00:37:15.540 --> 00:37:22.180
So you have to be self-aware to notice when you're doing the very same things
00:37:22.180 --> 00:37:24.760
that you've said shouldn't be done.
00:37:25.240 --> 00:37:29.600
But sometimes you're in environments where it's so normal that it's super hard
00:37:29.600 --> 00:37:31.860
to recognize that this is unhealthy.
00:37:32.220 --> 00:37:34.360
This is not good for anybody.
00:37:34.760 --> 00:37:38.300
And it's actually a disservice to my child.
00:37:38.760 --> 00:37:46.500
If your sons are incapable of basic life skills, that's going to become somebody
00:37:46.500 --> 00:37:48.700
else's problem. and that's not okay.
00:37:50.100 --> 00:37:58.560
Someone said, I would also like to know as a girl mom, because she's asking why do moms do that?
00:37:58.660 --> 00:38:02.720
She said, as a girl mom, I frequently have heard things like,
00:38:02.860 --> 00:38:05.440
you are not ready. You have no idea what's coming.
00:38:05.940 --> 00:38:09.880
Girls are exhausting. They turn into little itches.
00:38:10.620 --> 00:38:14.040
They're teen years. Hope you're ready. I've heard that too.
00:38:14.760 --> 00:38:18.680
I've heard that people talk about that in the teen years for girls.
00:38:19.400 --> 00:38:25.580
People always describe girls as little itches and boys are so sweet.
00:38:26.040 --> 00:38:30.020
Boys are just easier. How many of you have literally heard that,
00:38:30.320 --> 00:38:32.300
that boys are just easier?
00:38:33.420 --> 00:38:39.700
But that's not true for some people. Some people, of course, the boys are not easier.
00:38:40.420 --> 00:38:43.800
They are the they're the ones that's really
00:38:43.800 --> 00:38:48.500
bringing it to their parents but let
00:38:48.500 --> 00:38:52.040
me finish what this person said they said I heard these phrases constantly
00:38:52.040 --> 00:38:54.900
as a teenage girl and it
00:38:54.900 --> 00:38:58.640
was frustrating because while I was being called a itch just for having a lesser
00:38:58.640 --> 00:39:05.960
attitude my brother was called misunderstood after flying into rage breaking
00:39:05.960 --> 00:39:12.060
furniture assaulting our parents and bringing narcotics into the home.
00:39:13.160 --> 00:39:19.200
I really want you to think about it. And this does happen as a girl who has
00:39:19.200 --> 00:39:23.400
a girl who'd been a teacher and observed different behaviors,
00:39:23.740 --> 00:39:27.440
observed different parents with different children, boys or girls.
00:39:28.778 --> 00:39:32.338
Girl with a little attitude, obviously she's going to be an issue.
00:39:32.698 --> 00:39:34.878
That's how people perceive them.
00:39:35.318 --> 00:39:39.358
Then she's going to obviously get pregnant at an early age and drop her out
00:39:39.358 --> 00:39:44.758
of school and all these things, all these scenarios that people create in their
00:39:44.758 --> 00:39:48.498
minds about girls if she has a little personality.
00:39:49.298 --> 00:39:55.378
Meanwhile, some boys, and this is from a very young age, breaking furniture,
00:39:55.818 --> 00:40:01.418
fighting with their parents, taking drugs, using drugs, bringing it into the
00:40:01.418 --> 00:40:03.358
house, bringing girls into the house.
00:40:03.738 --> 00:40:08.958
And the parents will just, you know, it's just a boy. It's a boy being a boy.
00:40:09.978 --> 00:40:13.998
Both of my Alyssa brothers had juvie records.
00:40:14.578 --> 00:40:21.298
I cannot tell you how many misbehaviors I have witnessed that I know is going
00:40:21.298 --> 00:40:24.798
to end these children up in doing jail time.
00:40:24.938 --> 00:40:28.098
They're going to serve jail time if they don't change their behaviors.
00:40:28.558 --> 00:40:33.078
But I also know that the parents enable these behaviors and the schools,
00:40:33.398 --> 00:40:36.418
certain teachers will enable these behaviors.
00:40:36.618 --> 00:40:40.278
They will cuddle the boys way more than they will with the girls.
00:40:40.978 --> 00:40:45.018
It's almost people expect the girls to go off and be a certain ways,
00:40:45.138 --> 00:40:47.258
but with the boys, there's always an excuse.
00:40:47.478 --> 00:40:53.098
So she says both of her little brothers had juvie records And as adults,
00:40:53.578 --> 00:40:59.558
one has a felony, the other is sleeping on couches and has no visitation with his child.
00:41:00.158 --> 00:41:06.478
Meanwhile, I live a boring life in a house I bought, never had legal trouble.
00:41:06.758 --> 00:41:09.078
I raised my kid without issues.
00:41:10.873 --> 00:41:17.093
And my parents still declared that my attitude was way worse than two angry
00:41:17.093 --> 00:41:20.893
teenage boys high on pills committing property damage.
00:41:21.333 --> 00:41:28.173
I hope to God I never made my child feel this way. And you can tell she's very passionate about it.
00:41:28.313 --> 00:41:36.413
You know, as a parent saying these things to her, hurtful, and she's also observing these behaviors.
00:41:36.873 --> 00:41:43.013
Let me give you a real life situation for me. This is real life for her, for me as a teacher.
00:41:43.213 --> 00:41:47.453
Again, I do not raise boys, but I'm going to tell you what cuddle culture does.
00:41:48.373 --> 00:41:57.173
I wrote a blog that included a situation that really unnerved me because I saw
00:41:57.173 --> 00:42:01.293
how desensitized the other students were in this class.
00:42:01.833 --> 00:42:06.873
So this student, he came in, he slammed the door.
00:42:07.233 --> 00:42:12.053
One girl's sitting right there next to the door. So every time he slams the
00:42:12.053 --> 00:42:13.853
door, she's just jumping.
00:42:14.273 --> 00:42:18.233
And I'm just thinking, I'm observing all of this and I'm thinking, this is trauma.
00:42:18.773 --> 00:42:24.233
This little boy is causing traumatic situation to these other kids.
00:42:25.633 --> 00:42:30.713
And he slams the doors, he curses, throws the chairs, he does all of that.
00:42:30.853 --> 00:42:35.453
And I'm observing in this and the
00:42:35.453 --> 00:42:40.033
teacher assistants who works with him comes into the classroom and it's just
00:42:40.033 --> 00:42:47.013
it's interesting to see how some of these adults addresses these situation how
00:42:47.013 --> 00:42:52.073
they address these situations because he should be disciplined.
00:42:53.328 --> 00:43:00.468
Instead, people confuse children's inability to receive discipline because of
00:43:00.468 --> 00:43:05.328
maybe certain other challenges that they have at home or in their lives.
00:43:05.988 --> 00:43:13.288
But discipline is just a matter of sharing with that child your behavior is unacceptable.
00:43:13.848 --> 00:43:17.848
How you're feeling is valid. but
00:43:17.848 --> 00:43:20.868
the way you react to that feeling and the
00:43:20.868 --> 00:43:24.248
way you display or express that
00:43:24.248 --> 00:43:26.948
feeling how you're feeling may not be
00:43:26.948 --> 00:43:33.488
okay and we need to tell our children that we need to let them know that yes
00:43:33.488 --> 00:43:41.148
it's okay for you to feel angry feel anger it's not okay for you to punch a
00:43:41.148 --> 00:43:44.528
hole in the wall throw a desk, yell at someone,
00:43:44.948 --> 00:43:50.108
attack someone, slam the door in someone's ears constantly. That's not okay.
00:43:50.628 --> 00:43:55.968
And it does not matter what are the challenges they have.
00:43:56.228 --> 00:43:58.948
Children need to learn those types of things.
00:43:59.388 --> 00:44:07.408
You as the parent, you as the adult have to become creative in how you teach them that.
00:44:08.108 --> 00:44:12.488
And that's where a lot of us fall short because it's just easier to let them
00:44:12.488 --> 00:44:17.568
be, let them carry on, let them go, do what they're doing because it's easier
00:44:17.568 --> 00:44:21.608
than to nipping it in the bud and addressing the issue.
00:44:22.208 --> 00:44:27.148
The problem is what you're trying to avoid today is going to show up tomorrow.
00:44:27.488 --> 00:44:30.968
And it may not be the immediate tomorrow, but in the near future,
00:44:31.188 --> 00:44:35.668
the consequences of your actions or inactions is going to show up.
00:44:36.348 --> 00:44:41.988
So in this case, this lady talks about her brothers who got away with all these things.
00:44:42.568 --> 00:44:48.208
They did have a juvie record. So in the States, I don't know about here in the
00:44:48.208 --> 00:44:54.808
UK, but if certain behaviors will result in a child,
00:44:56.380 --> 00:45:02.120
in a juvenile police record. And I've been in a situation as a teacher as well,
00:45:02.300 --> 00:45:07.640
where I made a decision that I was going to file a police report on a child
00:45:07.640 --> 00:45:09.880
who assaulted me as a teacher,
00:45:10.100 --> 00:45:15.100
because no teacher shows up to work wanting to be assaulted by a student.
00:45:15.460 --> 00:45:21.080
But when a parent do not know how to discipline their children,
00:45:21.400 --> 00:45:24.400
and by that it doesn't have to, it shouldn't.
00:45:24.560 --> 00:45:27.220
Corporal punishment should be the last resort.
00:45:27.980 --> 00:45:33.320
When you have a hard time letting your kids know their feelings are valid,
00:45:33.540 --> 00:45:40.100
but the way they behave and the way they react is not in every situation,
00:45:40.100 --> 00:45:43.420
that's going to leak out in other areas.
00:45:43.760 --> 00:45:47.480
So this boy, her brothers had a juvie record.
00:45:47.920 --> 00:45:51.540
One of them became a felon because that does happen.
00:45:51.940 --> 00:45:58.900
In your childhood, if certain things are not addressed, it doesn't just magically go away, you know.
00:45:59.300 --> 00:46:02.700
You grow and develop with those same bad habits.
00:46:03.360 --> 00:46:10.300
And then you see that consequence later on. So that child may become a felon.
00:46:10.580 --> 00:46:15.360
Now, as a parent, I know you're not trying to raise your child to be a felon.
00:46:15.740 --> 00:46:20.600
I know you're not raising your child to go out here and cause havoc in communities.
00:46:21.040 --> 00:46:27.140
I know you're not trying to raise your child to abuse other people and disrespect people.
00:46:27.180 --> 00:46:34.160
I know you want a child that is respectful and treats themselves and other people well.
00:46:34.680 --> 00:46:40.920
As a parent, you have to be self-aware enough to recognize when your actions,
00:46:41.320 --> 00:46:48.620
certain decisions you make are actually contributing to these future consequences
00:46:48.620 --> 00:46:51.160
or these future happenings.
00:46:51.480 --> 00:46:57.680
Now, of course, everyone is different and your child along the way will pick
00:46:57.680 --> 00:47:01.920
up different learning and teaching education from other people.
00:47:02.080 --> 00:47:05.800
So along the way, they may learn from somebody else that, hey,
00:47:05.980 --> 00:47:10.420
this is not okay. And they may change the trajectory of their lives,
00:47:10.420 --> 00:47:16.020
but make no mistake as a parent, you are foundation in that person.
00:47:16.200 --> 00:47:18.200
You are developing a human being.
00:47:18.520 --> 00:47:24.160
You as a parent are a core part of who that child becomes.
00:47:24.660 --> 00:47:28.080
A core part, a fundamental part.
00:47:29.400 --> 00:47:34.740
Absence or your presence, your actions and your inactions, your lack of boundaries,
00:47:35.200 --> 00:47:39.260
your too much cuddling, too much sheltering,
00:47:40.120 --> 00:47:43.580
doing everything for your children, excusing their bad behaviors,
00:47:43.580 --> 00:47:48.460
all of it comes out in the wash, which means that, well, you're not escaping
00:47:48.460 --> 00:47:49.900
the consequences of those.
00:47:50.460 --> 00:47:56.780
You're not escaping the consequences of those. No matter what we do,
00:47:56.780 --> 00:48:01.300
For every action, there's an equal or greater reaction. And that is also true
00:48:01.300 --> 00:48:03.480
in how we raise our children.
00:48:05.120 --> 00:48:12.420
Cuddle culture is affecting our children as children and as adults.
00:48:12.580 --> 00:48:18.680
And again, I'm talking about cuddle, C-O-D-D-L-E, which means you are out here
00:48:18.680 --> 00:48:21.340
excusing all their behaviors.
00:48:22.320 --> 00:48:28.900
You're being too overprotective and you're being too indulgent everything that
00:48:28.900 --> 00:48:34.340
child says they want you give it to them if that child says no I don't want to do that you said okay,
00:48:35.180 --> 00:48:40.400
if they're supposed to do a chore you do it for them you're always excusing
00:48:40.400 --> 00:48:44.700
their behaviors and saying oh a boy is just being a boy or this she's just a
00:48:44.700 --> 00:48:50.580
and you're always excusing behaviors You have not established any boundaries
00:48:50.580 --> 00:48:52.900
and you do not know how to discipline them.
00:48:53.260 --> 00:48:58.900
And that cuddle culture show up for boys in their relationship,
00:48:58.900 --> 00:49:01.100
for girls in their relationship later on.
00:49:02.385 --> 00:49:08.345
Shows up. Even before relationships, romantic relationship, it shows up in schools.
00:49:08.965 --> 00:49:15.405
It shows up in how they deal with other children. It shows up in how they deal with themselves.
00:49:16.405 --> 00:49:23.705
I read one of this Reddit posts where the mother says her son is 14 and she
00:49:23.705 --> 00:49:26.925
has to still remind her son to brush his teeth and take a shower.
00:49:27.405 --> 00:49:32.485
And I've heard these things before and people excuse it as normal. That is not normal.
00:49:33.245 --> 00:49:38.105
Unless your child has some kind of additional mental challenges,
00:49:38.105 --> 00:49:42.985
and even then you can teach and all of those things, but not that.
00:49:43.185 --> 00:49:46.245
We're not talking about those things. And by the way, I've been a special education
00:49:46.245 --> 00:49:48.805
teacher my entire teaching career.
00:49:49.125 --> 00:49:54.425
I have a master's degree in special education. I have taught students with all
00:49:54.425 --> 00:49:57.365
types of disabilities and impairments.
00:49:57.705 --> 00:50:04.925
And I know that I haven't met a child yet who was incapable of learning.
00:50:05.425 --> 00:50:07.085
Yet, I haven't.
00:50:07.785 --> 00:50:13.085
And I know I've been in environments where people were so used to cuddling these
00:50:13.085 --> 00:50:15.705
children and enabling them because it was easier.
00:50:15.845 --> 00:50:21.685
It was easier for them to just let the child get away with whatever than to
00:50:21.685 --> 00:50:25.725
put in place systems and boundaries and discipline for that.
00:50:25.845 --> 00:50:28.885
It was much easier for them just to let them just be.
00:50:29.045 --> 00:50:33.365
But you do a child a disservice when you do not discipline them.
00:50:33.525 --> 00:50:39.105
And again, discipline is not synonymous to corporal punishment or physical punishment.
00:50:39.365 --> 00:50:41.785
The two things are not the same.
00:50:42.085 --> 00:50:46.085
And some of you have that convoluted or confused.
00:50:46.845 --> 00:50:53.165
But you do your child or your students or whomever is in your care a disservice
00:50:53.165 --> 00:51:01.765
when you realize that when you are not actually serving them well by preparing
00:51:01.765 --> 00:51:03.865
them for life without you.
00:51:05.103 --> 00:51:07.883
Child is not going to be around you 24 sevens and later in
00:51:07.883 --> 00:51:11.223
life they're not and you have to you're developing
00:51:11.223 --> 00:51:16.983
a human being and if you're in a position where you're not even capable of doing
00:51:16.983 --> 00:51:22.663
it well that does not mean you should thank you sam thank you so much for the
00:51:22.663 --> 00:51:27.083
follow that does not mean you walk away from your child because that's another
00:51:27.083 --> 00:51:30.623
thing that doesn't mean you walk away from your child,
00:51:30.743 --> 00:51:38.383
it does mean that you have to learn how to be the best parents you can be to your child.
00:51:39.063 --> 00:51:45.203
So with that, ladies and gentlemen, I am Marsha Cartali, and I'm going to leave you with this thought.
00:51:45.803 --> 00:51:50.343
I want you to become the best parents you can be,
00:51:50.523 --> 00:51:56.303
cap out of being the best parent you can be in developing the human beings that
00:51:56.303 --> 00:52:02.943
you were trusted to raise and guide and develop. I'm wishing you the best.
00:52:03.443 --> 00:52:05.963
I'm out. Have a good day. Bye.