WEBVTT
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Hello there and welcome to Brain Glitter, where we ask the most joyful people we know about the least joyful moments of their lives.
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And we get into some other stuff too.
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We're talking about the kind of joy that we create when we transform life's harshest moments and challenges into opportunities where we can meet that moment with kindness.
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So today we're talking with somebody who faced two unexpected and terrifying diagnoses with cancer and actually created something really incredible in their wake.
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So our hope is that our guest story and her very real, very badass energy will inspire you.
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We are so excited to welcome our guest, Deb Balfado.
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She is a longtime women's health advocate and community builder.
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And we pulled her into the studio to talk about her a really truly fabulous life, as well as creating a movement, boobs, titties, ta-ta's, onky onkies, and how right in the middle of fear and uncertainty she found joy for herself and created it for others.
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She sure did.
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Let's get into it.
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Boobs and all.
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This is Brain Glitter.
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Hi, how are you doing?
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I'm good.
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How are you?
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Very good.
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You know, I think the hardest part about doing this and learning is that when I see you, when we walk in the studio, I just want to tell you everything that I'm thinking.
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And it's been hard not to like be like, I'll st I'll talk to you in a little bit.
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Like Oh, you have to save it for the pod.
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Save it for the pod.
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Save it for the pod.
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So um, but I'll get I'll get used to it.
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I'll get used to it.
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Well, here we are.
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We're on the pod now.
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And we love to start each episode by playing a little game that we like to call Confetti.
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Yeah, I think we got it perfectly.
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Wait, confetti.
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Confetti and Ringetti.
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Which is where we give something within the last few weeks, you know, that's something that made us happy, and maybe something that we look back on a little, you know, not so happy.
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Yeah.
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I'm gonna start.
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Okay.
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My confetti is that my six-year-old daughter Scout wrote a book.
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Oh, and it got all of this attention.
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Like uh the Kelly Clarkson show reached out, and the today show reached out, and People magazine wrote an article about her.
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And I'm like so proud of my little six-year-old, my kindergartner, writing a book.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, you want to tell everybody what it was titled?
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Yeah, that's my regretti.
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My regretti is that the title of this book is The Kid Who Drank Wine.
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Oh yeah.
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Oh yeah.
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I've taught my kid a lot of things.
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Uh-huh.
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And her big takeaway is mommy loves wine.
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Let's hear yours.
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Oh, my confetti regretti.
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Okay, so my confetti there is um uh so I ran out of time getting from Charleston to New York City this time.
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Didn't get to go to get my hair cut with my wonderful Susan, who has cut my hair for 10 years beautifully.
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And so I had to go somewhere here in New York last night.
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And I went to um Fellow Barber, which was lovely.
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And my confetti is that I had the full heated rivalry experience at Fellow Barber because my um barber was a five foot ten blonde Russian full tattoo.
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And the whole time he talked to me, I just, I mean, I couldn't ask enough questions.
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I didn't care what my hair looked like at the end because it was the hottest haircut of my life.
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So when you said you have to go back to this barber, it had nothing to do.
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I asked you, I was like, is my haircut good?
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Because I just want to make sure that I could go back with, you know, like even if it wasn't good, Bethany, I would go back.
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Wow.
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Well, he don't do it.
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He talks to you like this, and he's just very like when he talks to you about your haircut, do you like it shorter or do you like it longer?
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You know?
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Oh, yeah.
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Or do you exactly?
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We'll both get our haircut.
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Yeah, it's a nice moment between us.
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What's your confetti and rig ready?
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Yes, post it, send it to us.
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Let us know.
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Okay, and now it is time to bring in our lovely guest.
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Yeah, let's do it.
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We are very excited to have Deb Belfado, who is the founder of Let's Talk Women's Health and Wellness.
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She is feisty, she is funny, she is oh so fashionable.
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And we are so, so lucky to have Deb here at Brain Glitter.
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Welcome to the show.
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I'm so lucky to be here, and I'm so excited.
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I'm overjoyed.
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I mean, come on.
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How did how did this happen that I got so lucky to be here with the two of you?
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Truly, with all my heart, thank you for giving us, me, this opportunity.
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Let's do it.
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One of the things we ask our guests is to give us a few songs to play as a little warm-up, which we just got to do a little sing-along.
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And your two songs were Unstoppable by Sia and My Favorite Things.
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I mean, unbelievable choices.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And you know, you just gotta feel it.
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You gotta, you gotta feel it, you gotta believe it, you gotta live it, right?
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Absolutely.
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Carol Burnett was just on an interview and she said that you know, she and Julia Andrews were friends.
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Oh, yeah.
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Yeah, right, of course.
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Can you imagine your best friend being Julia Andrews or Carol Burnett?
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And she said that while they were filming, Julia would send her dirty versions of the lyrics of my favorite things while they were filming.
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Wouldn't you love to have that version?
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That is I want to dirty my favorite things.
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That makes me so make it.
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Should we make up our own version?
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Girls in no dresses with right?
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She's so good at it.
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Just like that.
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Just like that.
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You were already undressing people.
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Wow.
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Deb, but we love to start with a little warm-up.
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It's called Spill the Clinton! All right.
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Now here we go.
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Are you ready?
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I will always say yes to a glass of champagne.
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Perfect.
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I will always make time for great people.
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Good one.
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The older I get, the less I care about what I say.
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That's perfect for a podcast.
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We're gonna get that to you today, people.
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The advice I give, but don't always follow, is learn to say no.
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I don't do that well.
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This is my I think this is my Achilles heel.
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It's so hard.
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I have lifelong FOMO and I love people.
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So saying no is almost impossible for me.
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What do you do?
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How do you find it?
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I just say yes.
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I don't know.
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It's so hard.
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I I don't want to miss out, and I don't want to let someone down.
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I really don't, because I sense that they need that moment.
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Yeah.
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Whether it's with me or without me, they need it.
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So why do you think it's important then to say no?
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Because you gotta love yourself a little bit more and give yourself a little time and a little grace and a little break, and you know, but I don't want to miss out because when you faced your mortality twice, every day you're like, I gotta make the most of it.
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I gotta squeeze it till it I can't squeeze it anymore.
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It's a it's a thing, it's real.
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How about uh do you hate storage spaces?
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No, I don't hate storage.
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I hate storage spaces.
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I think they're just one of the worst things.
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Yeah, I mean, I've only had one when I lived here.
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One?
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But but I love but I love a basement.
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So I need to hear what you're gonna say.
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Okay, I only say this because my husband like has to bribe me to go to the storage space.
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It's bad.
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And I get attached to people.
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I don't get attached really to stuff, but the stuff that matters to me is every card that's ever been sent to me, every note that's ever been written to me.
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I'm a little bit nuts about handwritten notes.
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Love a good handwritten note.
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It means you really care.
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You really care.
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So I have bins in the storage space, and we're moving these bins around.
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He's like, when can we get rid of these?
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And I'm like, never.
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Never you're gonna scatter them about at my celebration.
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And he's like, Well, how do you know I'm gonna be there?
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But we really don't know, do we?
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We don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring.
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So let's squeeze out today.
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I love a storage unit and a basement and all that, only because I have such a terrible memory that I need objects to remember things.
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I need photographs, and if I see something like a toy or a thing, my memory is so much stronger with that.
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And so I keep all birthday cards.
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It was just my birthday, and I have all my mom's and parents' birthday cards and all that stuff.
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I'm gonna sound so insensitive, but I am my mother's daughter.
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Throw it out.
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You don't.
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I don't hold on to any of that stuff.
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Even of your kids?
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I hold on to some of my kids' stuff.
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My mom is one of like, she's my like BFF, you know, but she's like, it's either garbage in your house or garbage in a landfill.
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She's like, Wow, that's harsh.
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That is harsh.
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I mean, why don't you just start sending your kids things to me?
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I will keep your kids' stuff.
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Okay.
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You know what my mom says to?
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She said every she said everything that matters from her life, she's in perfect health.
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Everything that matters is under my bed.
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Throw the rest about.
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Wow.
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That's crazy.
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Okay.
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Well, for all those listening, I just scooted closer to Deb.
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All right.
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Thank you for playing.
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Spill the glitter.
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This is fun.
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Isn't this wild?
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Much fun.
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Very wild.
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Deb, I have the pleasure of knowing you and being friends with you, but for those listening who don't know who you are, who the heck are you?
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Yes, I am Deb Q, love my Q, Belfado, the founder of Let's Talk, Women's Health and Wellness.
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It is an organization, it's a movement.
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We want to be that go-to organization that women can count on and help them become their best self-advocates to take the very best care of themselves.
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And I am lucky to be a two-time survivor and thriver of breast cancer.
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And here I am to tell the story.
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And also I just want to add, Deb loves titties.
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So much.
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I mean, they're not mine, but they serve their purpose now.
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Okay.
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You are one of the most vibrant people I've ever met on the planet.
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Like immediately.
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So tell us what makes you you.
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A lot of love in my life.
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I mean, truly, from the time I was a little girl.
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Like loved by my family, my friends, an only child, the parents of my friends who didn't have kids, probably because they had fertility issues and nobody was helping them out, right?
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Um, but they all loved me.
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I was like everybody's kid.
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And you know, that served me well in a lot of spaces, but then I never wanted to disappoint.
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So I I got married for a blip, and I knew I shouldn't, but I didn't know how not to get out of it.
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And but this is this is very poignant because I'm in my early 20s.
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We really liked each other.
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We even loved each other, but it was so stupid to get married.
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So so we do it, have the big Italian extravaganza, my parents spend like their last paycheck.
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Oh man, the guilt, the guilt was unbearable for me.
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And I'm like, I'm out of here.
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I if I could have made the about face in the church, I would have.
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Anyway, and so it goes.
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So now, because you can't stay in something that isn't making you feel alive and blah blah blah.
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Um, so I decide at the age of 21 to seek out a therapist.
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Like, who's doing that?
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Nobody, right?
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But I always liked setting trends.
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So I'm like, okay, I'm going to do something about this because I made a mistake and I needed to own it.
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And it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
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You gotta help yourself, as we know, before we can help anybody else.
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Okay, let's hold with that thought.
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And when we're back, Deb Alfado and what happens when community becomes medicine.
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Deb, yeah, I don't know how to say it.
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You've had cancer twice.
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Right?
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Tell us about it.
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Tell us about Cuckoo.
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Tell us about the first time.
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Tell us about the second time.
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Yeah, so first time life was pretty great.
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You know, I had this adorable two and a half year old Lindsay.
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I have an awesome husband second time around.
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Um, dry run, you know, you figure it out, and awesome, like such a good guy.
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You guys are so cute together, by the way.
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We've been told.
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When I met your husband, you guys were so affectionate with each other that I thought he was your boyfriend.
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Cute.
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We're kind of like that.
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Yeah.
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We're kind of like that.
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Okay, back to cancer.
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So here we go.
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So now I'm 33.
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Okay.
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And we decide we're gonna take a trip.
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So I take two two and a half year olds with me to try in a bathing suit.
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Stupid, stupid.
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And I'm like, this isn't working.
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Let's go home.
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I'm gonna try this on in my closet.
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Pull the strap over my right breast, and I'm like, oh, that was never there before.
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And this was 1988.
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So, you know, you weren't hearing do a breast self-exam every day.
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You weren't seeing pink ribbons everywhere every day.
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So I'm like, oh, that that's weird.
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And went to my very cavalier gynecologist who he declared that I was too young to have breast cancer.
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And I'm like, wrong.
00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:58.559
Like I I feel things, I know things, I have such strong instincts.
00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:00.399
And I'm like, nope, wrong.
00:16:00.399 --> 00:16:01.360
What do I do now?
00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:03.120
Well, maybe get a mammo.
00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:06.960
I'm like, maybe, okay, so it begins.
00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:12.480
And I'm like, wow, I have a two and a half year old, and now I'm gonna die.
00:16:12.480 --> 00:16:14.000
What are you kidding me?
00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:15.600
And I love my life.
00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:22.720
So what really was the determining factor of everything?
00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:24.799
I had resources.
00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:30.720
Not everybody has resources, and that struck me right out of the gate.
00:16:30.720 --> 00:16:36.159
And I knew that if I was gonna survive, I was gonna be one of the lucky ones.
00:16:36.159 --> 00:16:48.720
And there were so many unlucky women then that were diagnosed late, that were in an underserved community, being misinformed, misled.
00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:52.240
And I'm like, oh God, here we go, here we go.
00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:55.039
So, yes, my care was extraordinary.
00:16:55.039 --> 00:16:59.440
I was treated at University of Pennsylvania by the A team.
00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:02.320
It was a multidisciplinary approach.
00:17:02.320 --> 00:17:08.880
Nobody even knew what that word was in 1988, but lucky made, it saved my life.
00:17:09.440 --> 00:17:10.319
So that's in your 30s.
00:17:10.319 --> 00:17:11.200
You call it the dark age.
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:12.640
30s into 40s, right?
00:17:12.720 --> 00:17:14.240
And so 30s into 40s.
00:17:15.200 --> 00:17:15.839
Later.
00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:17.839
Talk to us about your stuff.
00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:19.920
Okay, wowie.
00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:27.440
So, oh, we're all in this pandemic, in this dark cloud, and we're all like, is the world coming to an end?
00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:35.839
So I'm going down to UPenn faithfully every year for my annual because my first surgery was a lumbectomy, so I still had boobs.
00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:36.319
Okay.
00:17:36.640 --> 00:17:38.240
I had a partial boob.
00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:42.160
And it was all saggy then, and it wasn't, it was not pretty.
00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:50.079
Bathing suits changed, or you just so I go down for my annual.
00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:53.039
It's the worst, the coldest day.
00:17:53.039 --> 00:17:57.759
The train is late, like everything was on tilt.
00:17:57.759 --> 00:18:06.000
My favorite spot, the White Dog Cafe, where I would go after my checkup and after seeing my crush of an oncologist.
00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:08.000
Of course, it was closed.
00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:13.839
And I always go there, have a glass of champagne, and toast myself like up another year.
00:18:13.839 --> 00:18:14.400
Awesome.
00:18:14.400 --> 00:18:16.799
Well, this year, nope, it was closed.
00:18:16.799 --> 00:18:18.240
There was no champagne.
00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:21.920
And I always did this alone because it was kind of my day.
00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:28.960
And so I get back, Joe B, my husband, picks me up in Newark, and he's like Mr.
00:18:28.960 --> 00:18:30.480
Perpetually Positive.
00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:32.240
So he's like, so all good?
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:33.680
And I'm like, nope.
00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:35.759
And he goes, Well, what do you mean?
00:18:35.759 --> 00:18:39.279
I go, I don't know, something was off today.
00:18:39.279 --> 00:18:43.839
Next morning I get that fateful call, like you need to come back.
00:18:43.839 --> 00:18:46.400
And like the first time, I knew it.
00:18:46.400 --> 00:18:49.359
But we're talking 35 years later.
00:18:49.359 --> 00:18:49.920
Wow.
00:18:49.920 --> 00:18:59.279
And this was this wasn't a reoccurrence, and every woman, every person, every everybody needs to know that this wasn't a reoccurrence.
00:18:59.279 --> 00:19:01.039
So tell me what that means.
00:19:01.039 --> 00:19:05.759
Oh, that would have meant that your original diagnosis came back.
00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:06.240
Okay.
00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:07.519
Nope, this was brand new.
00:19:07.519 --> 00:19:08.319
Something totally different.
00:19:08.319 --> 00:19:10.160
This was showed up just for you.
00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:10.400
Yeah.
00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:11.039
Just for me.
00:19:11.039 --> 00:19:11.440
Thank you.
00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:14.640
And I got two tumors this time instead of one.
00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:15.519
Right.
00:19:15.519 --> 00:19:23.359
So I'm like, and now I know a lot more than I knew in 1988, like way too much.
00:19:23.359 --> 00:19:27.759
But again, what I had was resources, resources.
00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:31.519
Now I knew every great doc in the metropolitan area.
00:19:31.519 --> 00:19:34.880
Here I am, lucky duck, me again.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:35.759
And guess what?
00:19:35.759 --> 00:19:37.039
I lived, because here we are.
00:19:37.039 --> 00:19:37.759
Here we are.
00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:40.720
And as I'm cheers.
00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:41.440
Cheers.
00:19:41.759 --> 00:19:41.920
Cheers.
00:19:42.319 --> 00:19:42.960
Cheers to them.
00:19:42.960 --> 00:19:44.720
Wow, right?
00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:46.559
My path to purpose.
00:19:46.559 --> 00:19:49.200
This cancer, I'm recovering.
00:19:49.200 --> 00:19:54.160
They're trying to make me sit still and recover, my daughter and my husband.
00:19:54.160 --> 00:19:55.680
And I'm like, I've got it.
00:19:55.680 --> 00:19:57.599
We need to build a symposium.
00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:00.480
They're like, oh my god, here she goes again.
00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:01.920
Is this the drugs?
00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:03.839
Could have been.
00:20:03.839 --> 00:20:04.880
I don't know.
00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:06.319
And I'm like, no, no.
00:20:06.319 --> 00:20:13.440
All women during this pandemic are neglecting themselves worse than they've ever neglected themselves before.
00:20:13.440 --> 00:20:18.559
I mean, we're not so good at paying attention to ourselves first, right?
00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:20.480
So I'm like, yep, I've got it.
00:20:20.480 --> 00:20:22.319
Gonna build this symposium.
00:20:22.319 --> 00:20:24.079
And I'm like, no, no, no.
00:20:24.079 --> 00:20:26.240
We're gonna have it at NJPAC.
00:20:26.240 --> 00:20:37.839
Just for people who don't know, NJPAC is New Jersey Performing Arts Center, where I have yet another privilege of sitting on the board of women at NJPAC.
00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:38.640
Awesome.
00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:44.559
And I'm like, yep, only place to have it because NJPAC welcomes everybody.
00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:47.440
So right away he's like, you know how much money you're gonna have to raise?
00:20:47.440 --> 00:20:48.880
And I'm like, take a pause.
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:51.039
You know how much money we're gonna raise together?
00:20:51.039 --> 00:20:53.359
Because we're a team.
00:20:53.359 --> 00:20:53.920
Yes.
00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:54.960
And he's that guy.
00:20:54.960 --> 00:20:55.680
Love that.
00:20:55.680 --> 00:21:00.400
So we had to raise a half a million dollars to produce this event.
00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:10.720
And luckily, I did have um, because your reputation is everything, and your relationships are a part of your reputation, right?
00:21:11.039 --> 00:21:13.279
For all those young people listening, that's very important.
00:21:13.519 --> 00:21:14.960
Oh, it's so important.
00:21:14.960 --> 00:21:23.920
Relationships, so important relationships, network, yes, but you know, just respecting those relationships.
00:21:24.160 --> 00:21:24.799
Yeah.
00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:29.680
So um, yeah, I literally was selling air.
00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:32.240
Like this was something I was building in my brain.
00:21:32.240 --> 00:21:33.599
It was a brain burst.
00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:35.839
And and they were a brain glitter here.
00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:37.440
Oh yeah, it was a brain glitter.
00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:40.400
I rephrased that.
00:21:40.640 --> 00:21:42.079
It was brain glitter.
00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:45.920
You create let's talk at NJPAC.
00:21:45.920 --> 00:21:48.160
And it is a smash hit.
00:21:48.480 --> 00:21:49.680
Let's talk, let's talk.
00:21:50.480 --> 00:21:59.599
It's it, I kind of get emotional because people like heard me and they realized that this.
00:21:59.599 --> 00:22:01.680
needed to happen.
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:04.079
So now we we build this.
00:22:04.079 --> 00:22:05.519
We have volunteers.
00:22:05.519 --> 00:22:07.039
We build a brand.
00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:08.720
We build the boobs.
00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:13.519
We just and and now we're like to be clear she's talking about a logo.
00:22:13.519 --> 00:22:14.880
Oh yeah.
00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:17.200
Oh thank you for clarity.
00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:18.559
Clarity helps.
00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:19.680
And we did.
00:22:19.680 --> 00:22:31.119
And in October of 2022, we launched the first Let's Talk and then you're like, oh is anybody gonna come to my party?
00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:38.640
And 400 women plus plus showed up and I'm like yep proves to be true.
00:22:38.640 --> 00:22:40.079
We all need this day.
00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:41.759
We need this me day.
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:52.559
We need to help women feel their value, feel their worth, and just advocate for themselves.
00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:59.519
We create such a comfortable, loving, joyful environment.
00:22:59.519 --> 00:23:05.440
And you know there's a performance on the big stage at NJ Pack.
00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:12.400
We open the day with the booming voices, real women telling real stories.
00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:17.440
Some of these stories are hard to hear, but that they're the truth.
00:23:17.440 --> 00:23:21.279
And you know it's just a real day.
00:23:21.839 --> 00:23:28.720
I'm sure it's a it's a really tough door to walk in, right, in the morning because you don't know what to expect and you're it's obviously a very difficult situation.
00:23:28.720 --> 00:23:32.480
So what do you think how do you think they're walking in and walking out differently?
00:23:32.960 --> 00:23:54.880
Well we build these breakout sessions to embrace you to make you feel cared about heard listened to um and women are like wow I'm glad I showed up and I'm gonna tell my friend that she missed out.
00:23:55.119 --> 00:24:17.519
Deb, we have so many things we want to hear from you so much wisdom we want to just grab from you and share with our listeners and spread into the world kind of like herpes but like kind of similar similar similar similar healthy herpes I think if we could have a tagline it'd be healthy herpes.
00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:32.160
Don't you love alliteration brain glitter where we spread healthy happy healthy herpes um no there's so much we I feel like it's not this isn't just about cancer.
00:24:32.160 --> 00:24:40.559
This is about you and how you navigate and it's it's really it's just not about women either right it's not just about women yeah we can learn a lot.
00:24:40.559 --> 00:24:58.319
We don't discriminate we have so much to learn and we and so little time and I just want to like fill people's ears and eyes if they're watching with um like as much joy as we can smash into the next 10 minutes okay are we ready?
00:24:58.319 --> 00:25:06.720
You go you have said to me and Sam that there's something so important about saying it out loud.
00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:08.400
What do you mean by that?
00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:10.240
It's the truth.
00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:29.599
When you speak your truth it's a win-win it's a win-win for you it's a win-win for the person that you're having that conversation with and it's not a confrontation it's a conversation and communication and that's that's everything.
00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:38.079
So if someone says to you how are you doing and you just got you know locked out of your house and like stuck in the cold what do you say?
00:25:38.799 --> 00:25:55.039
It's initially I'm kind of pissed but it's annoying but my daughter will tell you she'll figure out a way to turn that around and say oh well the windows needed to be cleaned and you know whatever.
00:25:55.039 --> 00:26:02.960
But honestly like the power of positivity and just pulling the positive it works.
00:26:02.960 --> 00:26:07.200
And some days and for some people it's harder than others.
00:26:07.200 --> 00:26:09.519
A lot of it is about capacity too.
00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:12.480
Not everybody has that capacity.
00:26:12.480 --> 00:26:29.599
So it's funny because we're surrounded for those listening about these jars of joy which we put uh a bunch of things that bring us a lot of joy including some things that we have brought for you specifically but the whole reason of this idea is that my therapist and I talked about the fact that you have a jar and you fill it with marbles every day.
00:26:29.599 --> 00:26:36.000
And if you are intentional about putting more joy in your jar it leaves less space for the other stuff.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:37.119
So be intentional.
00:26:37.119 --> 00:26:45.359
Put some stuff that makes you happy in your day and that all the other stuff has less room and I think that's such a nice way to frame positivity.
00:26:45.359 --> 00:26:47.599
It's not that you're not going to have bad stuff happen.
00:26:47.599 --> 00:26:53.039
It's just that you're trying to have a little bit more joy to speak of by the better prepared.
00:26:53.119 --> 00:26:53.279
Yeah.
00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:54.559
And you have a good doctor.
00:26:55.039 --> 00:27:00.799
I do have a really good trust me trust me yeah my mom my mom and my husband and everybody says the same thing.
00:27:01.039 --> 00:27:03.519
Yes for sure I love that.
00:27:03.759 --> 00:27:48.960
Yeah I think so I want to hear about the the word sisterhood and sisters that you've uh spoken about a lot and tell me what how the that word changed from when you were in your 30s the first time and in your 70s the second time well I would say that um it changed a lot because look I'm a white woman hello and I was describing it to a lot of my white women friends there's like really you're gonna show up in communities that are predominantly black and brown communities and I'm like yeah but because we're a sisterhood do you get it?
00:27:49.200 --> 00:28:17.359
And it's all about earning trust and developing that that say it out loud and mean it right and voila it happened and that is such an important part of the foundation of who I am and who my mother taught me to be we're a sisterhood.
00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:24.000
We're unstoppable we're unbreakable we stand next to each other and we get shit done.
00:28:24.400 --> 00:29:04.960
That's right I love my sisters too okay so most people when they get hit with something scary like cancer their inclination is to make themselves smaller bad news makes us a lot of people retreat and you did the opposite can you tell us why you know how well so I think it was a little bit of defiance because truly um you know it was unusual in 1988 to see a 33 year old woman diagnosed with breast cancer.
00:29:05.279 --> 00:29:12.319
But what I will say is you know I name everything I theme everything I message everything.
00:29:12.319 --> 00:29:14.640
So I'm like the head tippers.
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:52.079
So these people would see me people of all ages and they'd look at me and they'd tip their head to the side kind of pathetically I knew just what they were thinking they were thinking she's gonna die right and I'm like okay we're gonna defy that and I mean that's and really and I'm gonna show them really and I'm gonna show them because I didn't listen to my doctor because I knew in my heart of hearts and brain of brains that I was being misinformed I wasn't going to accept that answer.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:59.920
And when you feel that sense of doubt or conflict like push through it.
00:29:59.920 --> 00:30:01.039
Like think about it.
00:30:01.279 --> 00:30:05.200
You know I secretly love when people doubt me.
00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:10.799
I like kind of get off on it like I'm like oh you don't think I'm capable of doing this?
00:30:11.680 --> 00:30:13.440
Oh watch me watch me watch me.
00:30:13.440 --> 00:30:14.400
You don't believe me?
00:30:14.400 --> 00:30:14.880
Watch me.
00:30:14.880 --> 00:30:16.160
Watch me I love that.
00:30:16.400 --> 00:30:24.640
I do yeah right and I think you have that fire and like feistiness in you that is like I dare you to underestimate me.
00:30:24.960 --> 00:30:57.680
Alright we're gonna go back to finishing a sentence that we didn't ask before ready you are not alone if if you let yourself feel the love and there's lots of love out there you gotta let it in you have to just invite that there's so many people that care that give them a chance and it shows strength by the way to let someone come in and be that person for you.
00:30:57.680 --> 00:30:59.119
It shows a lot of strength.
00:30:59.680 --> 00:31:18.720
So let them in and speaking of folks who might be out there not feeling the love you talk a lot about invisible kindness and ways that that people might be showing us kindness that we that we don't see.
00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:22.720
Can you talk about the importance of kindness in it's everything.
00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:43.839
Kindness is everything I mean it's taking that simple moment but I mean the other night of course I'm in the bathroom with my five and a half year old Rocco and I'm like you know what kindness is we wipe down the sink after because the next person will feel better.
00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:46.880
It's like that person standing behind you.
00:31:47.119 --> 00:32:02.160
I'm really struck by that because I think it's really comforting for me as an individual to know that people are looking out for me in ways that I am unaware of I think they're little angels just watching out for us.
00:32:02.400 --> 00:32:11.519
Yeah there are so this has been so amazing and we want to make sure that everyone listening can find you and find Let's talk because it's such an amazing resource.
00:32:11.519 --> 00:32:13.519
Tell us where they can find you.
00:32:13.839 --> 00:32:54.640
So this is the tipping point we empower women through education and they can find us on our magnificent it's the most beautiful website Let's Talk Well Women they can find us on Instagram let's talk well women they can find us on LinkedIn we're everywhere so yes we'll put your cell phone in the oh dear um before we let you go is there anything you wanted to say you want people to know just about joy or how to get through their life so like little hot tips you might have.
00:32:54.880 --> 00:33:14.319
Oh just find your purpose and create a ripple and that's like one of my latest isms is this ripple effect and what it can do and how it can just feed you.
00:33:14.319 --> 00:33:26.880
When when you see that ripple effect touching other people and maybe just putting a smile on their face come on what's better than that right?
00:33:26.880 --> 00:33:28.079
Amen.
00:33:28.079 --> 00:33:29.920
Just good better best make it better.
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:37.440
I don't know when that ripple it could go to another person another person another person 10 degrees 100 degrees of separation from what you did.
00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:45.359
Such a good visual right it's a great visual I know but I think you've created quite the ripple in your life so thank you for that.
00:33:45.599 --> 00:34:07.599
Thank you so quite the ripple with the nipple ripple with the nipple nipple you can say you can take that that's yours a ripple with a nipple nipple Deb, thank you for coming all the way from New Jersey to New York City to sit and chat with us today.
00:34:07.759 --> 00:35:20.960
We could have this conversation for several more hours but let's go get some champagne uh cheers to that thank you oh thank you before we go we'd like to end this episode by spreading the joy so we asked our guests to give a quick toast to someone living or dead who made their life brighter lighter and more joyful sometimes someone special just walks into your life someone with the face of an angel who radiates joy whose unwavering spirit even in the face of enormous challenges just takes your breath away that was my friend Maria Fernandez Smith from the very first moment we shared an incredible instant synergy our mutual lifelong love of ladybugs as enchanting creatures of good luck the ritual and magic of afternoon tea our fondness for baking polka dots and the good feeling that comes from making a difference in the world we also shared breast cancer.
00:35:20.960 --> 00:35:37.039
In 2004 she walked through the doors of Comen North Jersey's pink shuttered house and summit to volunteer already in an advanced stage of the disease we lost her in 2009.
00:35:37.039 --> 00:36:31.280
The ladybug necklace I wear reminds me of how courageously she moved through the illness always with positivity and grace even in her darkest days even up to the very end Maria fought so hard to live and through it all she brought every ounce of her being into my life there is never a day that I don't remember and treasure that she wrote these beautiful words be true of heart and strong of spirit be giving of self faithful to God love beyond measure laugh out loud live for today and forever be proud thank you so much for listening to Brain Glitter.
00:36:31.440 --> 00:36:35.840
If you know someone who would enjoy this episode please hit that little share button and pass it along.
00:36:36.079 --> 00:36:42.880
To learn more about our guests you can sign up for our newsletter at brainglitter.com and follow us on all the socials at Brainglitter Pod.
00:36:42.880 --> 00:36:50.400
Brainglitter is a production of Who's Says Studios and Skipoppin's suns, created and hosted by Sam Griffin and Bethany Hall.
00:36:50.639 --> 00:37:04.559
We are so grateful for our Little Glitter factory including Keith Haskell, Jordana Jason, Claire Kenny, Jen Cambridge, Paul Edelins, Emily Fuller, and the brilliant team at Manhattan Neighborhood Networks.
00:37:04.559 --> 00:37:07.360
Our theme music was created by Cameron Myers.
00:37:07.599 --> 00:37:24.400
And special thanks to our husbands, parents, families and friends, the unofficial and unpaid co-authors of everything we bring to the mic we can't wait to welcome you back the next time you hit play and remember let curiosity pull you forward enjoy find you wherever you are I mean this episode is over.
00:37:24.400 --> 00:37:28.639
This is over thank you so much for joining us everybody and we will see you next time.
00:37:28.880 --> 00:37:30.000
Can't wait
00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:10.800
Hello there and welcome to Brain Glitter, where we ask the most joyful people we know about the least joyful moments of their lives.
00:00:10.800 --> 00:00:12.640
And we get into some other stuff too.
00:00:12.880 --> 00:00:23.280
We're talking about the kind of joy that we create when we transform life's harshest moments and challenges into opportunities where we can meet that moment with kindness.
00:00:23.280 --> 00:00:33.679
So today we're talking with somebody who faced two unexpected and terrifying diagnoses with cancer and actually created something really incredible in their wake.
00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:40.479
So our hope is that our guest story and her very real, very badass energy will inspire you.
00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:44.000
We are so excited to welcome our guest, Deb Balfado.
00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:48.240
She is a longtime women's health advocate and community builder.
00:00:48.240 --> 00:01:08.400
And we pulled her into the studio to talk about her a really truly fabulous life, as well as creating a movement, boobs, titties, ta-ta's, onky onkies, and how right in the middle of fear and uncertainty she found joy for herself and created it for others.
00:01:08.640 --> 00:01:09.359
She sure did.
00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:10.319
Let's get into it.
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Boobs and all.
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This is Brain Glitter.
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Hi, how are you doing?
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I'm good.
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How are you?
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Very good.
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You know, I think the hardest part about doing this and learning is that when I see you, when we walk in the studio, I just want to tell you everything that I'm thinking.
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And it's been hard not to like be like, I'll st I'll talk to you in a little bit.
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Like Oh, you have to save it for the pod.
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Save it for the pod.
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Save it for the pod.
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So um, but I'll get I'll get used to it.
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I'll get used to it.
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Well, here we are.
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We're on the pod now.
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And we love to start each episode by playing a little game that we like to call Confetti.
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Yeah, I think we got it perfectly.
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Wait, confetti.
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Confetti and Ringetti.
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Which is where we give something within the last few weeks, you know, that's something that made us happy, and maybe something that we look back on a little, you know, not so happy.
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Yeah.
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I'm gonna start.
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Okay.
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My confetti is that my six-year-old daughter Scout wrote a book.
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Oh, and it got all of this attention.
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Like uh the Kelly Clarkson show reached out, and the today show reached out, and People magazine wrote an article about her.
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And I'm like so proud of my little six-year-old, my kindergartner, writing a book.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, you want to tell everybody what it was titled?
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Yeah, that's my regretti.
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My regretti is that the title of this book is The Kid Who Drank Wine.
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Oh yeah.
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Oh yeah.
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I've taught my kid a lot of things.
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Uh-huh.
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And her big takeaway is mommy loves wine.
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Let's hear yours.
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Oh, my confetti regretti.
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Okay, so my confetti there is um uh so I ran out of time getting from Charleston to New York City this time.
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Didn't get to go to get my hair cut with my wonderful Susan, who has cut my hair for 10 years beautifully.
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And so I had to go somewhere here in New York last night.
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And I went to um Fellow Barber, which was lovely.
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And my confetti is that I had the full heated rivalry experience at Fellow Barber because my um barber was a five foot ten blonde Russian full tattoo.
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And the whole time he talked to me, I just, I mean, I couldn't ask enough questions.
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I didn't care what my hair looked like at the end because it was the hottest haircut of my life.
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So when you said you have to go back to this barber, it had nothing to do.
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I asked you, I was like, is my haircut good?
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Because I just want to make sure that I could go back with, you know, like even if it wasn't good, Bethany, I would go back.
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Wow.
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Well, he don't do it.
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He talks to you like this, and he's just very like when he talks to you about your haircut, do you like it shorter or do you like it longer?
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You know?
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Oh, yeah.
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Or do you exactly?
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We'll both get our haircut.
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Yeah, it's a nice moment between us.
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What's your confetti and rig ready?
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Yes, post it, send it to us.
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Let us know.
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Okay, and now it is time to bring in our lovely guest.
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Yeah, let's do it.
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We are very excited to have Deb Belfado, who is the founder of Let's Talk Women's Health and Wellness.
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She is feisty, she is funny, she is oh so fashionable.
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And we are so, so lucky to have Deb here at Brain Glitter.
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Welcome to the show.
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I'm so lucky to be here, and I'm so excited.
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I'm overjoyed.
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I mean, come on.
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How did how did this happen that I got so lucky to be here with the two of you?
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Truly, with all my heart, thank you for giving us, me, this opportunity.
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Let's do it.
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One of the things we ask our guests is to give us a few songs to play as a little warm-up, which we just got to do a little sing-along.
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And your two songs were Unstoppable by Sia and My Favorite Things.
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I mean, unbelievable choices.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And you know, you just gotta feel it.
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You gotta, you gotta feel it, you gotta believe it, you gotta live it, right?
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Absolutely.
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Carol Burnett was just on an interview and she said that you know, she and Julia Andrews were friends.
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Oh, yeah.
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Yeah, right, of course.
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Can you imagine your best friend being Julia Andrews or Carol Burnett?
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And she said that while they were filming, Julia would send her dirty versions of the lyrics of my favorite things while they were filming.
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Wouldn't you love to have that version?
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That is I want to dirty my favorite things.
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That makes me so make it.
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Should we make up our own version?
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Girls in no dresses with right?
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She's so good at it.
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Just like that.
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Just like that.
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You were already undressing people.
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Wow.
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Deb, but we love to start with a little warm-up.
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It's called Spill the Clinton! All right.
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Now here we go.
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Are you ready?
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I will always say yes to a glass of champagne.
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Perfect.
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I will always make time for great people.
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Good one.
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The older I get, the less I care about what I say.
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That's perfect for a podcast.
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We're gonna get that to you today, people.
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The advice I give, but don't always follow, is learn to say no.
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I don't do that well.
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This is my I think this is my Achilles heel.
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It's so hard.
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I have lifelong FOMO and I love people.
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So saying no is almost impossible for me.
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What do you do?
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How do you find it?
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I just say yes.
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I don't know.
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It's so hard.
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I I don't want to miss out, and I don't want to let someone down.
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I really don't, because I sense that they need that moment.
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Yeah.
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Whether it's with me or without me, they need it.
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So why do you think it's important then to say no?
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Because you gotta love yourself a little bit more and give yourself a little time and a little grace and a little break, and you know, but I don't want to miss out because when you faced your mortality twice, every day you're like, I gotta make the most of it.
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I gotta squeeze it till it I can't squeeze it anymore.
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It's a it's a thing, it's real.
00:08:07.199 --> 00:08:09.920
How about uh do you hate storage spaces?
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No, I don't hate storage.
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I hate storage spaces.
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I think they're just one of the worst things.
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Yeah, I mean, I've only had one when I lived here.
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One?
00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:19.120
But but I love but I love a basement.
00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:20.560
So I need to hear what you're gonna say.
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Okay, I only say this because my husband like has to bribe me to go to the storage space.
00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:28.639
It's bad.
00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:31.360
And I get attached to people.
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I don't get attached really to stuff, but the stuff that matters to me is every card that's ever been sent to me, every note that's ever been written to me.
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I'm a little bit nuts about handwritten notes.
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Love a good handwritten note.
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It means you really care.
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You really care.
00:08:53.279 --> 00:08:59.759
So I have bins in the storage space, and we're moving these bins around.
00:08:59.759 --> 00:09:01.919
He's like, when can we get rid of these?
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And I'm like, never.
00:09:03.200 --> 00:09:06.799
Never you're gonna scatter them about at my celebration.
00:09:06.799 --> 00:09:09.360
And he's like, Well, how do you know I'm gonna be there?
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But we really don't know, do we?
00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:14.000
We don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring.
00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:16.240
So let's squeeze out today.
00:09:16.480 --> 00:09:24.320
I love a storage unit and a basement and all that, only because I have such a terrible memory that I need objects to remember things.
00:09:24.320 --> 00:09:30.720
I need photographs, and if I see something like a toy or a thing, my memory is so much stronger with that.
00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:32.480
And so I keep all birthday cards.
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It was just my birthday, and I have all my mom's and parents' birthday cards and all that stuff.
00:09:36.159 --> 00:09:39.759
I'm gonna sound so insensitive, but I am my mother's daughter.
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Throw it out.
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You don't.
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I don't hold on to any of that stuff.
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Even of your kids?
00:09:43.919 --> 00:09:46.480
I hold on to some of my kids' stuff.
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My mom is one of like, she's my like BFF, you know, but she's like, it's either garbage in your house or garbage in a landfill.
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She's like, Wow, that's harsh.
00:09:58.720 --> 00:09:59.279
That is harsh.
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I mean, why don't you just start sending your kids things to me?
00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:02.559
I will keep your kids' stuff.
00:10:02.799 --> 00:10:03.039
Okay.
00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:04.480
You know what my mom says to?
00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:12.639
She said every she said everything that matters from her life, she's in perfect health.
00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:15.039
Everything that matters is under my bed.
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Throw the rest about.
00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:17.919
Wow.
00:10:17.919 --> 00:10:18.879
That's crazy.
00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:19.360
Okay.
00:10:19.360 --> 00:10:22.559
Well, for all those listening, I just scooted closer to Deb.
00:10:22.559 --> 00:10:25.120
All right.
00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:26.399
Thank you for playing.
00:10:26.879 --> 00:10:28.240
Spill the glitter.
00:10:28.240 --> 00:10:31.279
This is fun.
00:10:31.279 --> 00:10:32.480
Isn't this wild?
00:10:32.480 --> 00:10:33.039
Much fun.
00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:33.919
Very wild.
00:10:33.919 --> 00:10:43.039
Deb, I have the pleasure of knowing you and being friends with you, but for those listening who don't know who you are, who the heck are you?
00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:54.320
Yes, I am Deb Q, love my Q, Belfado, the founder of Let's Talk, Women's Health and Wellness.
00:10:54.320 --> 00:10:57.600
It is an organization, it's a movement.
00:10:57.600 --> 00:11:16.159
We want to be that go-to organization that women can count on and help them become their best self-advocates to take the very best care of themselves.
00:11:16.159 --> 00:11:24.399
And I am lucky to be a two-time survivor and thriver of breast cancer.
00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:27.039
And here I am to tell the story.
00:11:27.039 --> 00:11:30.960
And also I just want to add, Deb loves titties.
00:11:32.720 --> 00:11:33.200
So much.
00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:37.200
I mean, they're not mine, but they serve their purpose now.
00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:40.639
Okay.
00:11:41.440 --> 00:11:46.480
You are one of the most vibrant people I've ever met on the planet.
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:47.679
Like immediately.
00:11:47.679 --> 00:11:50.240
So tell us what makes you you.
00:11:52.399 --> 00:11:53.840
A lot of love in my life.
00:11:53.840 --> 00:11:57.120
I mean, truly, from the time I was a little girl.
00:11:57.120 --> 00:12:11.120
Like loved by my family, my friends, an only child, the parents of my friends who didn't have kids, probably because they had fertility issues and nobody was helping them out, right?
00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:13.039
Um, but they all loved me.
00:12:13.039 --> 00:12:15.279
I was like everybody's kid.
00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:26.240
And you know, that served me well in a lot of spaces, but then I never wanted to disappoint.
00:12:26.240 --> 00:12:38.960
So I I got married for a blip, and I knew I shouldn't, but I didn't know how not to get out of it.
00:12:38.960 --> 00:12:45.200
And but this is this is very poignant because I'm in my early 20s.
00:12:45.200 --> 00:12:46.960
We really liked each other.
00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:50.720
We even loved each other, but it was so stupid to get married.
00:12:50.720 --> 00:13:00.960
So so we do it, have the big Italian extravaganza, my parents spend like their last paycheck.
00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:06.080
Oh man, the guilt, the guilt was unbearable for me.
00:13:06.080 --> 00:13:07.919
And I'm like, I'm out of here.
00:13:07.919 --> 00:13:11.679
I if I could have made the about face in the church, I would have.
00:13:11.679 --> 00:13:14.639
Anyway, and so it goes.
00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:26.240
So now, because you can't stay in something that isn't making you feel alive and blah blah blah.
00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:32.879
Um, so I decide at the age of 21 to seek out a therapist.
00:13:32.879 --> 00:13:34.399
Like, who's doing that?
00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:35.519
Nobody, right?
00:13:35.519 --> 00:13:38.879
But I always liked setting trends.
00:13:38.879 --> 00:13:49.440
So I'm like, okay, I'm going to do something about this because I made a mistake and I needed to own it.
00:13:49.440 --> 00:13:54.159
And it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
00:13:54.159 --> 00:13:58.240
You gotta help yourself, as we know, before we can help anybody else.
00:13:58.480 --> 00:14:00.080
Okay, let's hold with that thought.
00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:05.200
And when we're back, Deb Alfado and what happens when community becomes medicine.
00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:15.840
Deb, yeah, I don't know how to say it.
00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:17.440
You've had cancer twice.
00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:18.639
Right?
00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:19.519
Tell us about it.
00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:21.440
Tell us about Cuckoo.
00:14:21.440 --> 00:14:22.639
Tell us about the first time.
00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:24.639
Tell us about the second time.
00:14:25.200 --> 00:14:29.039
Yeah, so first time life was pretty great.
00:14:29.039 --> 00:14:33.120
You know, I had this adorable two and a half year old Lindsay.
00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:37.120
I have an awesome husband second time around.
00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:43.679
Um, dry run, you know, you figure it out, and awesome, like such a good guy.
00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:46.240
You guys are so cute together, by the way.
00:14:46.559 --> 00:14:47.360
We've been told.
00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:52.320
When I met your husband, you guys were so affectionate with each other that I thought he was your boyfriend.
00:14:53.519 --> 00:14:54.080
Cute.
00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:55.840
We're kind of like that.
00:14:55.840 --> 00:14:56.240
Yeah.
00:14:56.240 --> 00:14:57.120
We're kind of like that.
00:14:57.120 --> 00:14:58.399
Okay, back to cancer.
00:14:58.399 --> 00:15:00.480
So here we go.
00:15:00.480 --> 00:15:01.759
So now I'm 33.
00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:02.240
Okay.
00:15:02.240 --> 00:15:05.279
And we decide we're gonna take a trip.
00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:10.960
So I take two two and a half year olds with me to try in a bathing suit.
00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:13.120
Stupid, stupid.
00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:15.279
And I'm like, this isn't working.
00:15:15.279 --> 00:15:16.320
Let's go home.
00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:18.240
I'm gonna try this on in my closet.
00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:25.120
Pull the strap over my right breast, and I'm like, oh, that was never there before.
00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:27.360
And this was 1988.
00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:32.320
So, you know, you weren't hearing do a breast self-exam every day.
00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:35.919
You weren't seeing pink ribbons everywhere every day.
00:15:35.919 --> 00:15:38.879
So I'm like, oh, that that's weird.
00:15:38.879 --> 00:15:48.960
And went to my very cavalier gynecologist who he declared that I was too young to have breast cancer.
00:15:48.960 --> 00:15:50.879
And I'm like, wrong.
00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:58.559
Like I I feel things, I know things, I have such strong instincts.
00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:00.399
And I'm like, nope, wrong.
00:16:00.399 --> 00:16:01.360
What do I do now?
00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:03.120
Well, maybe get a mammo.
00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:06.960
I'm like, maybe, okay, so it begins.
00:16:06.960 --> 00:16:12.480
And I'm like, wow, I have a two and a half year old, and now I'm gonna die.
00:16:12.480 --> 00:16:14.000
What are you kidding me?
00:16:14.000 --> 00:16:15.600
And I love my life.
00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:22.720
So what really was the determining factor of everything?
00:16:22.720 --> 00:16:24.799
I had resources.
00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:30.720
Not everybody has resources, and that struck me right out of the gate.
00:16:30.720 --> 00:16:36.159
And I knew that if I was gonna survive, I was gonna be one of the lucky ones.
00:16:36.159 --> 00:16:48.720
And there were so many unlucky women then that were diagnosed late, that were in an underserved community, being misinformed, misled.
00:16:48.720 --> 00:16:52.240
And I'm like, oh God, here we go, here we go.
00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:55.039
So, yes, my care was extraordinary.
00:16:55.039 --> 00:16:59.440
I was treated at University of Pennsylvania by the A team.
00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:02.320
It was a multidisciplinary approach.
00:17:02.320 --> 00:17:08.880
Nobody even knew what that word was in 1988, but lucky made, it saved my life.
00:17:09.440 --> 00:17:10.319
So that's in your 30s.
00:17:10.319 --> 00:17:11.200
You call it the dark age.
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:12.640
30s into 40s, right?
00:17:12.720 --> 00:17:14.240
And so 30s into 40s.
00:17:15.200 --> 00:17:15.839
Later.
00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:17.839
Talk to us about your stuff.
00:17:19.279 --> 00:17:19.920
Okay, wowie.
00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:27.440
So, oh, we're all in this pandemic, in this dark cloud, and we're all like, is the world coming to an end?
00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:35.839
So I'm going down to UPenn faithfully every year for my annual because my first surgery was a lumbectomy, so I still had boobs.
00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:36.319
Okay.
00:17:36.640 --> 00:17:38.240
I had a partial boob.
00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:42.160
And it was all saggy then, and it wasn't, it was not pretty.
00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:50.079
Bathing suits changed, or you just so I go down for my annual.
00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:53.039
It's the worst, the coldest day.
00:17:53.039 --> 00:17:57.759
The train is late, like everything was on tilt.
00:17:57.759 --> 00:18:06.000
My favorite spot, the White Dog Cafe, where I would go after my checkup and after seeing my crush of an oncologist.
00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:08.000
Of course, it was closed.
00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:13.839
And I always go there, have a glass of champagne, and toast myself like up another year.
00:18:13.839 --> 00:18:14.400
Awesome.
00:18:14.400 --> 00:18:16.799
Well, this year, nope, it was closed.
00:18:16.799 --> 00:18:18.240
There was no champagne.
00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:21.920
And I always did this alone because it was kind of my day.
00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:28.960
And so I get back, Joe B, my husband, picks me up in Newark, and he's like Mr.
00:18:28.960 --> 00:18:30.480
Perpetually Positive.
00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:32.240
So he's like, so all good?
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:33.680
And I'm like, nope.
00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:35.759
And he goes, Well, what do you mean?
00:18:35.759 --> 00:18:39.279
I go, I don't know, something was off today.
00:18:39.279 --> 00:18:43.839
Next morning I get that fateful call, like you need to come back.
00:18:43.839 --> 00:18:46.400
And like the first time, I knew it.
00:18:46.400 --> 00:18:49.359
But we're talking 35 years later.
00:18:49.359 --> 00:18:49.920
Wow.
00:18:49.920 --> 00:18:59.279
And this was this wasn't a reoccurrence, and every woman, every person, every everybody needs to know that this wasn't a reoccurrence.
00:18:59.279 --> 00:19:01.039
So tell me what that means.
00:19:01.039 --> 00:19:05.759
Oh, that would have meant that your original diagnosis came back.
00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:06.240
Okay.
00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:07.519
Nope, this was brand new.
00:19:07.519 --> 00:19:08.319
Something totally different.
00:19:08.319 --> 00:19:10.160
This was showed up just for you.
00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:10.400
Yeah.
00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:11.039
Just for me.
00:19:11.039 --> 00:19:11.440
Thank you.
00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:14.640
And I got two tumors this time instead of one.
00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:15.519
Right.
00:19:15.519 --> 00:19:23.359
So I'm like, and now I know a lot more than I knew in 1988, like way too much.
00:19:23.359 --> 00:19:27.759
But again, what I had was resources, resources.
00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:31.519
Now I knew every great doc in the metropolitan area.
00:19:31.519 --> 00:19:34.880
Here I am, lucky duck, me again.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:35.759
And guess what?
00:19:35.759 --> 00:19:37.039
I lived, because here we are.
00:19:37.039 --> 00:19:37.759
Here we are.
00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:40.720
And as I'm cheers.
00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:41.440
Cheers.
00:19:41.759 --> 00:19:41.920
Cheers.
00:19:42.319 --> 00:19:42.960
Cheers to them.
00:19:42.960 --> 00:19:44.720
Wow, right?
00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:46.559
My path to purpose.
00:19:46.559 --> 00:19:49.200
This cancer, I'm recovering.
00:19:49.200 --> 00:19:54.160
They're trying to make me sit still and recover, my daughter and my husband.
00:19:54.160 --> 00:19:55.680
And I'm like, I've got it.
00:19:55.680 --> 00:19:57.599
We need to build a symposium.
00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:00.480
They're like, oh my god, here she goes again.
00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:01.920
Is this the drugs?
00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:03.839
Could have been.
00:20:03.839 --> 00:20:04.880
I don't know.
00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:06.319
And I'm like, no, no.
00:20:06.319 --> 00:20:13.440
All women during this pandemic are neglecting themselves worse than they've ever neglected themselves before.
00:20:13.440 --> 00:20:18.559
I mean, we're not so good at paying attention to ourselves first, right?
00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:20.480
So I'm like, yep, I've got it.
00:20:20.480 --> 00:20:22.319
Gonna build this symposium.
00:20:22.319 --> 00:20:24.079
And I'm like, no, no, no.
00:20:24.079 --> 00:20:26.240
We're gonna have it at NJPAC.
00:20:26.240 --> 00:20:37.839
Just for people who don't know, NJPAC is New Jersey Performing Arts Center, where I have yet another privilege of sitting on the board of women at NJPAC.
00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:38.640
Awesome.
00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:44.559
And I'm like, yep, only place to have it because NJPAC welcomes everybody.
00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:47.440
So right away he's like, you know how much money you're gonna have to raise?
00:20:47.440 --> 00:20:48.880
And I'm like, take a pause.
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:51.039
You know how much money we're gonna raise together?
00:20:51.039 --> 00:20:53.359
Because we're a team.
00:20:53.359 --> 00:20:53.920
Yes.
00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:54.960
And he's that guy.
00:20:54.960 --> 00:20:55.680
Love that.
00:20:55.680 --> 00:21:00.400
So we had to raise a half a million dollars to produce this event.
00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:10.720
And luckily, I did have um, because your reputation is everything, and your relationships are a part of your reputation, right?
00:21:11.039 --> 00:21:13.279
For all those young people listening, that's very important.
00:21:13.519 --> 00:21:14.960
Oh, it's so important.
00:21:14.960 --> 00:21:23.920
Relationships, so important relationships, network, yes, but you know, just respecting those relationships.
00:21:24.160 --> 00:21:24.799
Yeah.
00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:29.680
So um, yeah, I literally was selling air.
00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:32.240
Like this was something I was building in my brain.
00:21:32.240 --> 00:21:33.599
It was a brain burst.
00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:35.839
And and they were a brain glitter here.
00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:37.440
Oh yeah, it was a brain glitter.
00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:40.400
I rephrased that.
00:21:40.640 --> 00:21:42.079
It was brain glitter.
00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:45.920
You create let's talk at NJPAC.
00:21:45.920 --> 00:21:48.160
And it is a smash hit.
00:21:48.480 --> 00:21:49.680
Let's talk, let's talk.
00:21:50.480 --> 00:21:59.599
It's it, I kind of get emotional because people like heard me and they realized that this.
00:21:59.599 --> 00:22:01.680
needed to happen.
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:04.079
So now we we build this.
00:22:04.079 --> 00:22:05.519
We have volunteers.
00:22:05.519 --> 00:22:07.039
We build a brand.
00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:08.720
We build the boobs.
00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:13.519
We just and and now we're like to be clear she's talking about a logo.
00:22:13.519 --> 00:22:14.880
Oh yeah.
00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:17.200
Oh thank you for clarity.
00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:18.559
Clarity helps.
00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:19.680
And we did.
00:22:19.680 --> 00:22:31.119
And in October of 2022, we launched the first Let's Talk and then you're like, oh is anybody gonna come to my party?
00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:38.640
And 400 women plus plus showed up and I'm like yep proves to be true.
00:22:38.640 --> 00:22:40.079
We all need this day.
00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:41.759
We need this me day.
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:52.559
We need to help women feel their value, feel their worth, and just advocate for themselves.
00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:59.519
We create such a comfortable, loving, joyful environment.
00:22:59.519 --> 00:23:05.440
And you know there's a performance on the big stage at NJ Pack.
00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:12.400
We open the day with the booming voices, real women telling real stories.
00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:17.440
Some of these stories are hard to hear, but that they're the truth.
00:23:17.440 --> 00:23:21.279
And you know it's just a real day.
00:23:21.839 --> 00:23:28.720
I'm sure it's a it's a really tough door to walk in, right, in the morning because you don't know what to expect and you're it's obviously a very difficult situation.
00:23:28.720 --> 00:23:32.480
So what do you think how do you think they're walking in and walking out differently?
00:23:32.960 --> 00:23:54.880
Well we build these breakout sessions to embrace you to make you feel cared about heard listened to um and women are like wow I'm glad I showed up and I'm gonna tell my friend that she missed out.
00:23:55.119 --> 00:24:17.519
Deb, we have so many things we want to hear from you so much wisdom we want to just grab from you and share with our listeners and spread into the world kind of like herpes but like kind of similar similar similar similar healthy herpes I think if we could have a tagline it'd be healthy herpes.
00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:32.160
Don't you love alliteration brain glitter where we spread healthy happy healthy herpes um no there's so much we I feel like it's not this isn't just about cancer.
00:24:32.160 --> 00:24:40.559
This is about you and how you navigate and it's it's really it's just not about women either right it's not just about women yeah we can learn a lot.
00:24:40.559 --> 00:24:58.319
We don't discriminate we have so much to learn and we and so little time and I just want to like fill people's ears and eyes if they're watching with um like as much joy as we can smash into the next 10 minutes okay are we ready?
00:24:58.319 --> 00:25:06.720
You go you have said to me and Sam that there's something so important about saying it out loud.
00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:08.400
What do you mean by that?
00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:10.240
It's the truth.
00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:29.599
When you speak your truth it's a win-win it's a win-win for you it's a win-win for the person that you're having that conversation with and it's not a confrontation it's a conversation and communication and that's that's everything.
00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:38.079
So if someone says to you how are you doing and you just got you know locked out of your house and like stuck in the cold what do you say?
00:25:38.799 --> 00:25:55.039
It's initially I'm kind of pissed but it's annoying but my daughter will tell you she'll figure out a way to turn that around and say oh well the windows needed to be cleaned and you know whatever.
00:25:55.039 --> 00:26:02.960
But honestly like the power of positivity and just pulling the positive it works.
00:26:02.960 --> 00:26:07.200
And some days and for some people it's harder than others.
00:26:07.200 --> 00:26:09.519
A lot of it is about capacity too.
00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:12.480
Not everybody has that capacity.
00:26:12.480 --> 00:26:29.599
So it's funny because we're surrounded for those listening about these jars of joy which we put uh a bunch of things that bring us a lot of joy including some things that we have brought for you specifically but the whole reason of this idea is that my therapist and I talked about the fact that you have a jar and you fill it with marbles every day.
00:26:29.599 --> 00:26:36.000
And if you are intentional about putting more joy in your jar it leaves less space for the other stuff.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:37.119
So be intentional.
00:26:37.119 --> 00:26:45.359
Put some stuff that makes you happy in your day and that all the other stuff has less room and I think that's such a nice way to frame positivity.
00:26:45.359 --> 00:26:47.599
It's not that you're not going to have bad stuff happen.
00:26:47.599 --> 00:26:53.039
It's just that you're trying to have a little bit more joy to speak of by the better prepared.
00:26:53.119 --> 00:26:53.279
Yeah.
00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:54.559
And you have a good doctor.
00:26:55.039 --> 00:27:00.799
I do have a really good trust me trust me yeah my mom my mom and my husband and everybody says the same thing.
00:27:01.039 --> 00:27:03.519
Yes for sure I love that.
00:27:03.759 --> 00:27:48.960
Yeah I think so I want to hear about the the word sisterhood and sisters that you've uh spoken about a lot and tell me what how the that word changed from when you were in your 30s the first time and in your 70s the second time well I would say that um it changed a lot because look I'm a white woman hello and I was describing it to a lot of my white women friends there's like really you're gonna show up in communities that are predominantly black and brown communities and I'm like yeah but because we're a sisterhood do you get it?
00:27:49.200 --> 00:28:17.359
And it's all about earning trust and developing that that say it out loud and mean it right and voila it happened and that is such an important part of the foundation of who I am and who my mother taught me to be we're a sisterhood.
00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:24.000
We're unstoppable we're unbreakable we stand next to each other and we get shit done.
00:28:24.400 --> 00:29:04.960
That's right I love my sisters too okay so most people when they get hit with something scary like cancer their inclination is to make themselves smaller bad news makes us a lot of people retreat and you did the opposite can you tell us why you know how well so I think it was a little bit of defiance because truly um you know it was unusual in 1988 to see a 33 year old woman diagnosed with breast cancer.
00:29:05.279 --> 00:29:12.319
But what I will say is you know I name everything I theme everything I message everything.
00:29:12.319 --> 00:29:14.640
So I'm like the head tippers.
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:52.079
So these people would see me people of all ages and they'd look at me and they'd tip their head to the side kind of pathetically I knew just what they were thinking they were thinking she's gonna die right and I'm like okay we're gonna defy that and I mean that's and really and I'm gonna show them really and I'm gonna show them because I didn't listen to my doctor because I knew in my heart of hearts and brain of brains that I was being misinformed I wasn't going to accept that answer.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:59.920
And when you feel that sense of doubt or conflict like push through it.
00:29:59.920 --> 00:30:01.039
Like think about it.
00:30:01.279 --> 00:30:05.200
You know I secretly love when people doubt me.
00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:10.799
I like kind of get off on it like I'm like oh you don't think I'm capable of doing this?
00:30:11.680 --> 00:30:13.440
Oh watch me watch me watch me.
00:30:13.440 --> 00:30:14.400
You don't believe me?
00:30:14.400 --> 00:30:14.880
Watch me.
00:30:14.880 --> 00:30:16.160
Watch me I love that.
00:30:16.400 --> 00:30:24.640
I do yeah right and I think you have that fire and like feistiness in you that is like I dare you to underestimate me.
00:30:24.960 --> 00:30:57.680
Alright we're gonna go back to finishing a sentence that we didn't ask before ready you are not alone if if you let yourself feel the love and there's lots of love out there you gotta let it in you have to just invite that there's so many people that care that give them a chance and it shows strength by the way to let someone come in and be that person for you.
00:30:57.680 --> 00:30:59.119
It shows a lot of strength.
00:30:59.680 --> 00:31:18.720
So let them in and speaking of folks who might be out there not feeling the love you talk a lot about invisible kindness and ways that that people might be showing us kindness that we that we don't see.
00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:22.720
Can you talk about the importance of kindness in it's everything.
00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:43.839
Kindness is everything I mean it's taking that simple moment but I mean the other night of course I'm in the bathroom with my five and a half year old Rocco and I'm like you know what kindness is we wipe down the sink after because the next person will feel better.
00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:46.880
It's like that person standing behind you.
00:31:47.119 --> 00:32:02.160
I'm really struck by that because I think it's really comforting for me as an individual to know that people are looking out for me in ways that I am unaware of I think they're little angels just watching out for us.
00:32:02.400 --> 00:32:11.519
Yeah there are so this has been so amazing and we want to make sure that everyone listening can find you and find Let's talk because it's such an amazing resource.
00:32:11.519 --> 00:32:13.519
Tell us where they can find you.
00:32:13.839 --> 00:32:54.640
So this is the tipping point we empower women through education and they can find us on our magnificent it's the most beautiful website Let's Talk Well Women they can find us on Instagram let's talk well women they can find us on LinkedIn we're everywhere so yes we'll put your cell phone in the oh dear um before we let you go is there anything you wanted to say you want people to know just about joy or how to get through their life so like little hot tips you might have.
00:32:54.880 --> 00:33:14.319
Oh just find your purpose and create a ripple and that's like one of my latest isms is this ripple effect and what it can do and how it can just feed you.
00:33:14.319 --> 00:33:26.880
When when you see that ripple effect touching other people and maybe just putting a smile on their face come on what's better than that right?
00:33:26.880 --> 00:33:28.079
Amen.
00:33:28.079 --> 00:33:29.920
Just good better best make it better.
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:37.440
I don't know when that ripple it could go to another person another person another person 10 degrees 100 degrees of separation from what you did.
00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:45.359
Such a good visual right it's a great visual I know but I think you've created quite the ripple in your life so thank you for that.
00:33:45.599 --> 00:34:07.599
Thank you so quite the ripple with the nipple ripple with the nipple nipple you can say you can take that that's yours a ripple with a nipple nipple Deb, thank you for coming all the way from New Jersey to New York City to sit and chat with us today.
00:34:07.759 --> 00:35:20.960
We could have this conversation for several more hours but let's go get some champagne uh cheers to that thank you oh thank you before we go we'd like to end this episode by spreading the joy so we asked our guests to give a quick toast to someone living or dead who made their life brighter lighter and more joyful sometimes someone special just walks into your life someone with the face of an angel who radiates joy whose unwavering spirit even in the face of enormous challenges just takes your breath away that was my friend Maria Fernandez Smith from the very first moment we shared an incredible instant synergy our mutual lifelong love of ladybugs as enchanting creatures of good luck the ritual and magic of afternoon tea our fondness for baking polka dots and the good feeling that comes from making a difference in the world we also shared breast cancer.
00:35:20.960 --> 00:35:37.039
In 2004 she walked through the doors of Comen North Jersey's pink shuttered house and summit to volunteer already in an advanced stage of the disease we lost her in 2009.
00:35:37.039 --> 00:36:31.280
The ladybug necklace I wear reminds me of how courageously she moved through the illness always with positivity and grace even in her darkest days even up to the very end Maria fought so hard to live and through it all she brought every ounce of her being into my life there is never a day that I don't remember and treasure that she wrote these beautiful words be true of heart and strong of spirit be giving of self faithful to God love beyond measure laugh out loud live for today and forever be proud thank you so much for listening to Brain Glitter.
00:36:31.440 --> 00:36:35.840
If you know someone who would enjoy this episode please hit that little share button and pass it along.
00:36:36.079 --> 00:36:42.880
To learn more about our guests you can sign up for our newsletter at brainglitter.com and follow us on all the socials at Brainglitter Pod.
00:36:42.880 --> 00:36:50.400
Brainglitter is a production of Who's Says Studios and Skipoppin's suns, created and hosted by Sam Griffin and Bethany Hall.
00:36:50.639 --> 00:37:04.559
We are so grateful for our Little Glitter factory including Keith Haskell, Jordana Jason, Claire Kenny, Jen Cambridge, Paul Edelins, Emily Fuller, and the brilliant team at Manhattan Neighborhood Networks.
00:37:04.559 --> 00:37:07.360
Our theme music was created by Cameron Myers.
00:37:07.599 --> 00:37:24.400
And special thanks to our husbands, parents, families and friends, the unofficial and unpaid co-authors of everything we bring to the mic we can't wait to welcome you back the next time you hit play and remember let curiosity pull you forward enjoy find you wherever you are I mean this episode is over.
00:37:24.400 --> 00:37:28.639
This is over thank you so much for joining us everybody and we will see you next time.
00:37:28.880 --> 00:37:30.000
Can't wait
