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Has anyone ever told you that you're too much or too sensitive or too anxious or too complicated?
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And somehow you end up feeling like you're not enough at the same time or always falling short?
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Okay.
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Yeah, me too.
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And it's the same for my guest today, Melissa Parks, who's a writer, a therapist turned coach, and co-founder of the location independent therapist community.
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And she has a new book coming out on June 23rd.
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It's called A Compassionate Mess.
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A Therapist, Her Monsters, and a Journey to Self-Aceptance.
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We are gonna get into all kinds of stuff like your inner critic, people pleasing, perfectionism, and being too much for some people.
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And if we haven't met yet, I'm Deanna Seymour, graphic designer, creative director, and founder of the Playhouse, where networking is actually fun.
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And this is my new series, Cool People Doing Cool Things.
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And Melissa's cool.
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So let's get into this episode.
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Hey Melissa, how's it going?
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It's going well.
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I'm excited to be here, Deanna.
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Um, hope my voice warms up a little bit.
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I know we were just talking before we hit record about.
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I have pollen, a pollen situation here in Richmond, and like it's just I guess that time of year.
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I don't know.
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Whatever.
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I want it to just be summer.
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I'm like, just be summer.
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Like, just enough with the changing of the seasons.
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I'm ready for the next season.
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Bring on summer.
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Yes.
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Let's see.
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Oh my god.
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Okay.
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So my friend, Vicky Kelty, is like in your world, and she reached out to me and was like, oh my gosh, cool people doing cool stuff.
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Like, you gotta meet Melissa.
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So you just wrote a book, and I just want to let you tell us about it so I don't like mess it all up.
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Oh, okay.
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Okay, yes.
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Um, well, I was really first of all honored like that you're doing this new series, Cool People Doing Cool Things.
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And I was like, oh, I'm a cool person doing cool things.
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That's awesome.
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Thanks for being for acknowledging that.
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Yeah.
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So, oh gosh, okay, the my little elevator pitch for the book.
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Um, it's a memoir.
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Um but yeah, we were just talking about how like the book is not the same as like my life right now.
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So the book um it took place over a decade that I lived um abroad.
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I live I'm in Seattle now, but I lived in Spain and the Netherlands for 10 years.
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Um, and so it's the story of that, which was seven years ago now.
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So it's kind of wild.
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But um and everything, um, I'm a therapist by training.
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It's all about like becoming a therapist myself while also going to therapy and like sometimes exploring some of the same things as my clients, kind of figuring making sense of the fact that I'd always felt sort of out of place, um, too sensitive, called too sensitive my whole life, trying to like figure out, you know, what what tools can I do to stop that sensitivity and finally embracing it, um, and coming to a place of finding a home inside of myself with uh thanks to self-compassion.
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That's a practice that has been so powerful for me, for my clients, um, and something I continue to practice, especially now that I'm a mom.
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So need it every day.
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My goodness.
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Yes, oh my gosh, yes, I'm a mom too.
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So okay, 100%.
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Um okay, so the book is called A Compassionate Mess, which I think is a really fun title.
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I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm a mess.
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Um yeah.
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And so the idea, let's talk about this idea of being too sensitive.
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How annoying is that that people weaponize it?
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Because I've I've struggled with this too.
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Yeah.
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And people have been like, oh, you're so sensitive.
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And I'm like, I used to do what you're saying and be like, oh, okay, yeah, that's wrong.
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Like, how do I change it?
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But in recent years, I've sort of been like, well, I guess you're too much of a jerk.
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Like, I don't, I'm like, no, I think I'm like the right amount of sensitive.
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Like, I actually think being sensitive is a cool, like a nice thing to be.
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Like when you think about when you really think about it, you're like, how dare like they should be embarrassed that they're saying that.
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I feel like now is like my new perspective, which I don't I don't need to shame them, but maybe a lot.
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But isn't it just weird?
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So, can you talk a little bit about how people take that on as like such an insult?
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You know what I mean?
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Like, I mean, I think part of it is it doesn't like start one day, right?
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It's like built into your wiring.
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Um, and so if you're being called too sensitive, you've probably been called too sensitive your whole life.
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Um, yeah, yeah, I definitely totally.
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Well, now I'm like, oh yeah, that makes sense.
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And also when you're little, probably you're just like, well, then this is true and it's bad.
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Like you're just too little to have the reference of being like whatever, because you're little.
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You're just like, this is bad and annoying.
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Yes.
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And for me, like 30, okay, I'm like in my early 40s now.
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So, like, you know, those decades ago, um, I think it was especially prevalent that like, you know, we kids are supposed to be like a scene and what is it, seen but not heard, right?
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Yeah.
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And it's just like follow along, don't cry, stop being a drama queen, um, all that stuff.
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And so hopefully it's changing.
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I know I'm trying to change it in my house.
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Um, but still, I still like hear, even like from my son's teacher sometimes, like, oh, you know, he needs to like uh talk about his feelings, like he can't just cry.
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And I'm like, why can't he just cry?
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Like that's just he let him cry, right?
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Yeah.
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What is this the cure?
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Like, boys don't cry.
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Come on, what year is it?
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Like, come on.
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Yes, I know.
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Yes, I think in a classroom it's like, oh, this is just kind of like getting in the way of the things we're trying to do.
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So I think there are and and I I think there are just so many subtle things in our world where like people are like, you know, we just gotta get on with the day, we gotta do the things, we don't have time for these emotions.
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Um, which, yes, coming from the middle field, I'm like, okay, no, it doesn't work like that, but it took me many, many years to get to that place.
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Um, and yeah, like I was saying, you know, in the book, I find I kind of make peace with it.
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I mean, I don't know, it's it's something that I I find myself like criticizing myself sometimes about it still, right?
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So like I'm definitely more at peace, but also I the whole compassionate mess idea is this idea too, we can just we can be messy, we can be human, we can be, you know, we can be imperfect.
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Um, and just to try to notice it and try to meet ourselves with compassion and kindness.
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Yeah, that's interesting.
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I feel like I um my daughter just turned 10, and so we're having like conversations about bodies and like insecurity, body image, all this stuff.
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And I'm like, hey, I feel like I've I'm really good at it now, but there's just so many messages in our world that make you think like I still have days where I'm like, I was like, I basically am just better at shaking it off.
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Like it still happens, but you just get better at like hearing that voice, recognizing it, and being like, no, we don't think like that anymore.
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But I was like, I don't know if there'll ever be a time where I don't, I mean, because the world we live in, I mean, maybe things can change enough that I won't have those moments.
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But I think you saying like a practice of doing this, I think is like it's just you're never like, okay, I'm fixed.
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I'm totally fine now, and I don't have to like work through anything ever again.
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Well, and I talk about that in my book, how I have like several moments where it's like, okay, I like graduated from therapy, like I'm fixed, I'm better.
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And then, you know, spoiler alert, I come to the end of the book and I'm like, oh, okay, so even this cool self-compassion stuff like doesn't have a finish line.
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Like, I'm I'm just a mess.
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It's but like it's but yeah, again, the compassionate mess and and and yeah, just being kind to yourself in that.
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And and unfortunately, I think you're right.
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Like they're our world just not our world really, it's our society, right?
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It's uh has so it wants us, well, it wants us to be um, it wants us to not like ourselves, right?
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Because then it can sell us stuff.
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Exactly.
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That's the angle I took with my daughter because I was like, oh, she's gonna be real mad if she finds out.
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Like she's a little bit of a punk rock rebel like me.
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So I'm like, she's gonna be real, like, let's just turn it into anger.
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I was like, let's just talk about the beauty industry and how they're profiting off us being miserable.
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And she's like, what?
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And I'm like, yeah.
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So like that anger somebody.
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Well, and that's an angle of self-compassion.
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I talk about it a little bit in the book too.
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It's fierce self-compassion, right?
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I think so often we think about being very tender and kind and gentle when we hear the word self-compassion, and that's a big part, and it takes practice, but it can be fierce too.
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It can be angry, it can be, you know, getting mad at these messages we hear and saying, like, I'm not gonna let that hurt me.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Well, I think too, that can be annoying to people.
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That's when we're being too much, also, or like too mad or too or too too much of anything.
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But one thing I thought was interesting too that you talk about the too much and not enough paradox.
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Yes.
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So can you sort of talk about that?
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Yeah.
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I I just something that I've lived and I see a lot in my clients too.
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It's like, I don't know what it is.
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Like, is it a pendulum we swing back and forth with?
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Uh it's just maybe it's just the different messages we get of feeling like I should do more, I need to be more.
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Um trying to just like fill this missing piece of like, you know, I should be more, but then also like maybe going into that space and being like, actually, no, like I don't like, I don't really like that.
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Like now, now I feel vulnerable, right?
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Now I feel like exposed and it's not safe.
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Um, and I think it again, yeah, it comes from those messages of like maybe it's the too sensitive thing that you've been told you're too sensitive.
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Okay, well, sometimes that means I'm again the crying, the drama queen.
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And sometimes that means like, you know, okay, well, to be safe, I have to shrink.
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But then also if you're shrinking, you're kind of giving yourself that message of like, you know, you're not enough, you should do more, you should be less sensitive.
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Um, and so I know for me it was really like coming to a place of realizing, oh, I need to tell myself both of those things, right?
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Like, you are enough and you are not too much.
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And and another thing I really like to tell myself is it's safe to be seen.
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So yeah.
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Yeah.
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Well, because I it is weird.
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Like, I feel like you are like, you're just pulled to, but then you're like so not being yourself.
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Then you like, I think also maybe it could re like your yourself could accidentally respond with like then you're like maybe even too more emotional than you would have been if you would just let yourself be the normal amount of emotional the whole time.
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Does that make sense?
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Like you're trying to hide it and then you're like, I can't take it anymore.
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Like, oh yes, yes, yes, yes.
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That's and that's that's what I've found so much myself.
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Like, if I just let myself have the feeling, it's it's a wave, right?
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It's like a wave in the ocean.
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Whereas if you try to like fight it, control it, stuff it down, ignore it, um, it can become a tsunami.
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Yeah.
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So really it comes back more powerful.
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You're like, oh, okay, fine.
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You're you're out.
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You broke free.
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It's fine.
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Yeah, yeah.
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So it is funny because it's about accepting that you're you're sensitive, that you feel things deeply.
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Um, and also that if you just let yourself be that, then you won't go into actually maybe being too sensitive, right?
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It's just yeah.
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Well, and I feel like with body, I feel like I'm I keep relating this to the body conversation, but um it's interesting because I feel like there's certain things that are okay.
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Like I don't think anybody's like, oh, you have brown eyes, or like, oh, you're you're like too tall or too short, or like your hair is only this long, or and I know beauty standards can make us feel bad about our eye color or feeling too tall or too short.
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But for the most part, people accept that some people are tall and some people are short, and some people have brown eyes and some people have blue eyes.
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But why are we all like but also let's all just be skinny?
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Like, you know what I mean?
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Or like why can't we have a range of emotions, you know, like this person that's pretty even keeled, but they don't seem to like get too worked up.
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This person gets a little more worked up.
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Like, why does it have to be like too much or too little?
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Because I feel like sometimes I've even had um like uh my mom has given presents before and been like, wow, like our her one grandkid doesn't get too excited, but the other one gets really excited, but he also gets really sad.
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And I remember being like, well, he just feels a lot more emotions.
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So if we want him to be really excited when we give him a cool present, then we also have to accept that he's like really disappointed if plans change or so like I don't I'm like, can't we just all just be what we are?
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Yeah, just exactly yes, I think.
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I mean, I like I I'm thinking about it, I'm thinking out thinking aloud a bit about this.
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I I think maybe it's like the stuff that like affects other people somehow, right?
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Like it's like you know, maybe they're getting hurt or offended somehow by by the sadness, and sometimes it's like the inconvenience of it, of those feelings.
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Um gosh.
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And then yeah, the I don't know what is it, yeah.
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What is it with the thinness?
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I'm not sure.
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I think that's just like a way like for like people to like try to control women, especially, and just like you have to, you know, starve yourself and then but I mean I don't know, it's the it is there is a there is some similarities with emotions, right?
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Like like being like like starve yourself of like your real emotions or something, and like getting small, and then also like sort of like cutting your calories so low, and then being like, never mind, I'm gonna eat this whole bag of cheetos.
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Like the thing we're just talking about with the emotions is like anytime you're like trying to fit yourself like into a smaller box, it seems like is sort of the common thread there.
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Um eventually you're like, I can't keep up the charade.
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Like that this is not me.
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This is what I need, this is what I'm doing.
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Yes.
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And interestingly, I I talk in the book about how um I had an eating disorder, and it did all start with that like restriction and then turning into binging.
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And so I relate so much, and I think uh I think so often it is, it's related to like emotions, right?
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Like I couldn't, I didn't feel like I could be myself with the emotions, so like trying to like okay, well, I'm already controlling those, like let me like see what else I can control.
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Yeah, and yeah, it's it's awful.
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Yeah, I have a daughter too, she's only 18 months, but I'm like, oh god, it's a lot.
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What what a big like task we have to like help these women will grow into women and and like love themselves.
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Yeah.
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I mean, that's when I like really got serious, I guess I could say, about my journey to be nicer to myself was actually when I was pregnant with her.
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Cause I was like, Am I about to bring another girl into this world and model this awful behavior for her?
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So I was like dabbling in it, but I was like, okay, I got nine months to like make sure I'm not ever looking in the mirror and being like, oh, I look fat today.
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Like, you know, I just don't, because even if I'm not telling her she's fat, if she's watching me grow up looking in the mirror and saying I'm fat, she's gonna think that's how we talk to ourselves.
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So I know I was like, all right, girl, you got nine months to get this.
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Well, maybe a little longer than nine months, maybe two and newborn, like a newborn.
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She might not have been like taking it in, but I really was like, I'm not gonna talk like that in front of her.
00:14:58.569 --> 00:15:15.049
And it starts like, I need to start practicing now that I'm not gonna make these little dumb comments all the time that are just like a habit, you know, that I didn't even feel necessarily, but it is kind of like learned, like this is just what we do, like that scene in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan's like, oh, I guess you can hate.
00:15:15.209 --> 00:15:22.490
I thought you were just like pretty or ugly, but I guess you can hate lots of parts of your body because they're all in the mirror being like, Oh, my calves are too big, like my nose is weird.
00:15:22.649 --> 00:15:25.370
And I'm like, Oh my gosh, yeah, we just learn it.
00:15:25.449 --> 00:15:28.569
Um it's like part of socializing as a woman, unfortunately.
00:15:29.049 --> 00:15:33.209
I'm not saying in nine months I like nailed it, but I get better.
00:15:33.370 --> 00:15:34.490
I got better for sure.
00:15:34.649 --> 00:15:35.209
Yeah.
00:15:35.689 --> 00:15:41.129
So let's talk about that inner critic because you sort of describe it as a shape shifter, which I thought was cool.
00:15:41.689 --> 00:15:42.569
Yes, yes.
00:15:42.730 --> 00:15:47.769
Um, something I have also learned because I was trying to get to the, I was like, well, how do I just like erase the inner critic, right?
00:15:47.850 --> 00:15:48.569
Like, I don't want that.
00:15:48.649 --> 00:15:50.730
That's you know, seems like it's getting in my way.
00:15:51.049 --> 00:15:51.850
Yeah, yeah.
00:15:52.089 --> 00:15:53.370
Just delete it, it's fine.
00:15:53.529 --> 00:15:55.449
But what yeah, what I found is that's another thing.
00:15:55.529 --> 00:15:56.889
It's it's not going away.
00:15:56.970 --> 00:16:00.089
Like it is, I think about it like kind of like anxiety.
00:16:00.169 --> 00:16:05.049
I I struggle with anxiety, and for me, it helps a lot to think about like where, like, what's its purpose, right?
00:16:05.129 --> 00:16:06.329
Like, where is it coming from?
00:16:06.569 --> 00:16:08.409
It's trying to come from a good place.
00:16:08.490 --> 00:16:10.409
And I think that's our inner critic, too, right?
00:16:10.490 --> 00:16:14.569
Like we live in a world where like they're, you know, we're trying to get along with other people.
00:16:14.649 --> 00:16:25.129
And so it is probably good to be like noticing some things we could do better or rules we could follow, or you know, it just it uh it gets really loud and it gets really strong.
00:16:25.370 --> 00:16:34.169
And um, and that's you know, that's where the self-compass with self-compassion I often think about like having kind of trying to balance it out with like a more compassionate voice.
00:16:34.490 --> 00:16:37.529
So you bring in that voice, and yeah, it could at least nine months.
00:16:37.610 --> 00:16:39.689
It takes at least nine months to practice, right?
00:16:39.929 --> 00:16:51.129
You've got your whole life of probably not we don't really get taught to well, maybe again, maybe now kids do, but I never got taught how to be kind and gentle and like okay, yeah, be your own cheerleader.
00:16:51.209 --> 00:16:52.490
I I don't know, I didn't get that.
00:16:52.649 --> 00:16:58.730
So everything I did was kind of just like, all right, inner crit me and my inner critic, like just taking on life.
00:16:58.889 --> 00:17:01.449
And so it had a lot of years of practice.
00:17:01.689 --> 00:17:24.329
And what I find now is like even though I am aware of it, I notice it, I really try to not let it run the show, it has become a shape shifter where like I just won't even notice that it's like it can be, you know, I can have something going on for months, and then I'm like, I talk to like my therapist or maybe like or a friend or somebody, and they're like, oh, that's you're being really hard on yourself.
00:17:24.569 --> 00:17:27.769
I'm like, oh no, it's yeah, I know, I know.
00:17:27.850 --> 00:17:51.089
And then I don't want to get into the like, oh, you're supposed to be self-compassionate, why aren't you doing it?
00:17:51.169 --> 00:17:51.329
Right?
00:17:51.409 --> 00:17:54.289
I have to like really like again the mess part, right?
00:17:54.369 --> 00:17:56.369
Like be compassionate about like it's okay.
00:17:56.529 --> 00:17:58.369
Um, but it's frustrating, right?
00:17:58.450 --> 00:18:00.849
If this is something you're, you know, you're working on.
00:18:01.009 --> 00:18:05.249
Uh and and then it's just like there in the background being sneaky.
00:18:05.409 --> 00:18:09.969
Um and I'll say I bet for a lot of the your listeners, this would be helpful.
00:18:10.049 --> 00:18:13.409
I notice it really comes in strong when I'm like doing something new.
00:18:13.569 --> 00:18:15.569
Like I'm a I'm a business owner myself.
00:18:15.649 --> 00:18:25.329
And so like when I'm like trying to like, you know, put myself out there, launching the book, um, that kind of thing, like the inner critic is like, all right, let's go, let's do this.
00:18:25.729 --> 00:18:27.009
But in a very sneaky way.
00:18:27.169 --> 00:18:27.489
Yes.
00:18:27.649 --> 00:18:28.449
Well, it's scary.
00:18:28.609 --> 00:18:35.329
I mean, yeah, having a business is like you're it's like a therapy, like all the like always self-growth therapy.
00:18:35.489 --> 00:18:41.809
You're like, oh, you have to like be brave, you have to do the hard things, you have to show up, you have to give yourself a pep talk.
00:18:41.889 --> 00:18:44.689
Cause like it's it's so much, I think.
00:18:45.169 --> 00:18:50.689
Um but you also said like the shapeshifter could be productivity, perfectionism, people pleasing.
00:18:50.849 --> 00:18:51.009
Yeah.
00:18:51.169 --> 00:18:52.689
And I was thinking about this today.
00:18:53.009 --> 00:18:58.129
My email that's set to go out this afternoon, will which will have already been in the world by the time this airs.
00:18:58.209 --> 00:19:05.249
But um like I kind of realized that I was sort of using this idea of accessibility, but really I think I was just trying to people please.
00:19:05.329 --> 00:19:06.929
I was like, oh my god, nobody be mad at me.
00:19:07.009 --> 00:19:22.929
Like, let me make this lower, let me chop this offer up, let me try to like make it so you know, people can like just feeling like oh, you know, uh and you're coming, you're thinking, it's like you said it was sneaky because you like think, well, I'm being nice.
00:19:23.009 --> 00:19:25.569
I'm like making sure it's accessible for people and I'm doing this.
00:19:25.729 --> 00:19:36.369
I'm doing and meanwhile, I'm like about to burn out and I'm not having as much fun in my business because I've like uh productized my offers and made them like so different that I'm like this isn't even what I like to do.
00:19:36.529 --> 00:19:40.129
And also like listening to other people, like it's just yes, you have to combat that.
00:19:40.289 --> 00:19:46.769
Like all the stuff we hear, just scroll Instagram for a second and you hear like 10 business tips in two seconds, and you're like, wait, what am I doing?
00:19:46.929 --> 00:19:47.809
What what's happening?
00:19:47.969 --> 00:19:51.329
So yes, yes, absolutely, yeah, yeah.
00:19:51.569 --> 00:20:04.449
I I gosh, I that that fine line between being like a high achiever and like you know, excited and wanting to do a lot of things in your business or life, and and then but like not tipping into perfectionism, like that is so hard.
00:20:04.529 --> 00:20:10.929
And yes, that's like the perfect territory for that inner critic shape, sneaky shapes shifter to come in, and you gotta watch it.
00:20:11.569 --> 00:20:12.129
You really do.
00:20:12.369 --> 00:20:18.369
And it like you said, you can kind of be like really in it before you even notice what's happening.
00:20:18.689 --> 00:20:20.689
So let's say, okay, here's a question.
00:20:20.929 --> 00:20:25.009
If you realize, oh my gosh, wait, I was just doing that, I was people pleasing.
00:20:25.089 --> 00:20:28.929
Like, how do you like snap out of it, but still be nice to yourself about it?
00:20:29.249 --> 00:20:30.449
Because I like what you were saying too.
00:20:30.529 --> 00:20:34.129
You're not like beating yourself up, like, oh, I'm such an idiot, I was totally people pleasing.
00:20:34.449 --> 00:20:35.169
That's not the way.
00:20:35.329 --> 00:20:36.369
Yes, that's not the way.
00:20:36.529 --> 00:20:37.409
I mean, you might do that.
00:20:37.489 --> 00:20:38.289
That's the thing too, right?
00:20:40.289 --> 00:20:41.649
Hopefully, you hear that and you say it.
00:20:41.809 --> 00:20:45.329
Yeah, hopefully, and you're like, oh wait, that's you know, that's not that's my inner critic again, right?
00:20:45.409 --> 00:20:47.249
Now it's like up front and center.
00:20:47.489 --> 00:20:51.729
Honestly, when you said it, when you were just saying it now, I was like, I just felt myself take a really deep breath.
00:20:51.889 --> 00:20:53.729
Like, I think, you know, it's so small, right?
00:20:53.889 --> 00:21:10.609
But like taking a deep breath, I you can see me on video, other people can't, but like putting my hand on my heart or like giving myself a hug, which may not feel comfortable for certain people, but honestly, like there is science that shows that even like gentle like touch to yourself can be really soothing.
00:21:10.769 --> 00:21:16.049
And so doing that, it's relatively simple and tapping into that kinder voice.
00:21:16.129 --> 00:21:18.369
Like, what would a friend say to me right now?
00:21:18.529 --> 00:21:19.969
What would I tell a friend right now?
00:21:20.129 --> 00:21:22.609
And then trying to say something like that back to yourself.
00:21:22.849 --> 00:21:24.609
It's crazy how effective breathing is.
00:21:24.689 --> 00:21:32.129
And I feel like my husband is really good at telling all of us, because we have two kids, but like me and the kids to breathe.
00:21:32.289 --> 00:21:35.329
And I will tell you that it actually annoys me if I'm really mad.
00:21:35.409 --> 00:21:37.569
I'm like talking about breathing again.
00:21:37.729 --> 00:21:40.289
And then when I breathe, I'm like, oh yeah, it's true.
00:21:40.529 --> 00:21:43.169
Such a thing, but nobody ever taught me that growing up.
00:21:43.329 --> 00:21:48.289
So I'm like, uh, you know what I actually need to do is go to my room and be really mad all by myself for a long time.
00:21:48.369 --> 00:21:49.649
Like, that's what I'm trained to do.
00:21:50.049 --> 00:21:50.929
Yes, yes.
00:21:51.169 --> 00:21:52.689
Which sometimes you need to do, right?
00:21:52.769 --> 00:21:55.089
You need to get the get the emotions out too.
00:21:55.249 --> 00:21:57.329
Um, and there's so many things you can do, right?
00:21:57.409 --> 00:22:04.289
Like you can like sometimes it's easier if you like write something down or like do a voice note or just something to get out of your head.
00:22:04.449 --> 00:22:06.049
Um, I think that can be really helpful too.
00:22:06.129 --> 00:22:11.809
So I think a lot of this is just like finding your finding your own rhythm with it, finding what works for you.
00:22:11.969 --> 00:22:20.609
And and I will say too, I'm like, I it's funny, I I learned Spanish in my 20s, and I I will swear in Spanish, but I won't swear in English.
00:22:20.849 --> 00:22:24.049
So like my and I'm my inner dialogue is mostly in English.
00:22:24.129 --> 00:22:34.929
And so my inner dialogue with like being compassionate is very gentle and nice, and um probably like, you know, maybe there's something going on there with like how I'm supposed to talk to myself.
00:22:35.169 --> 00:22:43.889
But I bring all that up to say, like, you can also like you can swear, you can like, you know, do make make your self compassionate voice your own, right?
00:22:43.969 --> 00:22:45.569
Like, there's no wrong way to do it.
00:22:45.809 --> 00:22:46.209
Yeah.
00:22:46.449 --> 00:22:52.929
Um, with my daughter, I was like, Yeah, you can tell that um voice in your head to just shut up, which we don't say that, like we don't say that to each other in our house.
00:22:53.009 --> 00:22:56.769
And she was like, like you would have thought I said like the craziest cuss word, you know.
00:22:56.849 --> 00:22:57.729
I'm like, no, yeah, you.
00:22:58.289 --> 00:23:03.489
Like totally be like, uh I said like home alone, you know, when he's like scared of the radiator and he goes, Shut up.
00:23:03.649 --> 00:23:15.009
Like just like I was telling her, like just hearing it is already like so impressive to if you can like start to hear it, then yeah, you can like figure out how you want to handle it.
00:23:15.089 --> 00:23:18.369
But um, oh my gosh, gives me hope for the next generation, right?
00:23:18.449 --> 00:23:23.409
Like, oh my gosh, kids are noticing their inner dialogue and they're like interacting with it in healthy ways.
00:23:23.649 --> 00:23:26.609
But it's crazy because it's like it is a lot of work.
00:23:26.769 --> 00:23:45.729
And I mean, I'm sure probably I mean, I'm 45, so I think we're similar, but like probably maybe some of your clients, it's it's a lot of work to work on learning that for yourself and also teaching it to someone else and working through like and sometimes like what they're doing is kind of activating me, like it is exhausting.
00:23:45.889 --> 00:23:54.929
Yeah, um, so I'm always like, I guess I understand why our parents were like, just go to your room, like yeah, stop being so sensitive, get out of here.
00:23:55.169 --> 00:23:58.209
Yeah, I'm like, oh my gosh, spanking seems really easy.
00:23:58.369 --> 00:24:05.889
Not that I was ever like, let's do that, but I understand the appeal of like all I have to do is like spank you if you're bad.
00:24:06.049 --> 00:24:09.809
Like, I don't have to discuss it with you, I don't have to help you make sense of it.
00:24:09.889 --> 00:24:15.649
Like it's like I kind of get the appeal there, but um, you know, we know how that turns out.
00:24:15.729 --> 00:24:17.009
So yes, I recommend it.
00:24:17.249 --> 00:24:18.369
We know that that's not recommended.
00:24:18.929 --> 00:24:20.769
How that's a lot easier for the parent.
00:24:21.009 --> 00:24:22.369
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:24:22.529 --> 00:24:23.009
Absolutely.
00:24:23.169 --> 00:24:27.329
Yeah, I think okay, so like we can have compassion for like the former generations, right?
00:24:27.489 --> 00:24:31.569
Like they, you know, were doing the easy thing, they didn't know any better.
00:24:32.209 --> 00:24:37.009
And of well, fortunately we know better, but also unfortunately because now we have so much on our plates.
00:24:37.489 --> 00:24:37.889
So much to do.
00:24:37.969 --> 00:24:39.089
Oh, why we're too tired.
00:24:39.329 --> 00:24:45.889
Okay, last thing I want to talk to you about, which I thought was really cool, is the idea of writing a letter from your 80-year-old self.
00:24:46.289 --> 00:24:47.409
So tell me more about that.
00:24:47.729 --> 00:24:53.649
Yes, so um, I cannot take full credit for this idea because it's from The Artist's way.
00:24:53.889 --> 00:24:54.689
Do you know that book?
00:24:55.009 --> 00:24:56.449
I have heard of it, but I haven't read it.
00:24:56.609 --> 00:24:58.529
But that's like the story of my life with most books.
00:24:58.849 --> 00:24:59.649
Oh, I know, I know.
00:24:59.729 --> 00:25:00.449
I totally understand.
00:25:00.529 --> 00:25:04.129
It is a book that I have, it's written by um a woman named Julia Cameron.
00:25:04.209 --> 00:25:06.289
I had it on my shelf for like 12 years.
00:25:06.449 --> 00:25:09.889
Um, and it wasn't, and people kept being like, This is life-changing, you should read it.
00:25:09.969 --> 00:25:10.689
And I'm like, I should.
00:25:10.769 --> 00:25:11.889
It sounds good, it sounds really good.
00:25:11.969 --> 00:25:12.849
I have a copy over here.
00:25:12.929 --> 00:25:15.089
That's I'm looking, I'm looking over here.
00:25:15.249 --> 00:25:20.449
Um, now I have it like an e-book, audiobook, and written book because it's I loved it.
00:25:20.609 --> 00:25:21.569
I love it so much.
00:25:21.729 --> 00:25:35.329
Um, and I finally read it at this point I talk about in the book, where like my long-term partner like just broke up with me suddenly, and there's reasoning behind it, and I make sense of that in the book, but like my I just felt like my life fell apart.
00:25:35.409 --> 00:25:40.529
And I was like, well, okay, I guess maybe it's now, maybe now it's time to read this book that everyone's telling me is life-changing.
00:25:40.609 --> 00:25:43.169
I kind of need some something life-changing right now.
00:25:43.409 --> 00:25:47.009
Um, and it's all about reclaiming your inner artist and healing your inner artist.
00:25:47.169 --> 00:25:48.769
So lots of self-compassion there.
00:25:48.929 --> 00:25:53.809
And she suggests writing this letter from your 80-year-old self to your current self.
00:25:53.969 --> 00:26:04.529
Um, and I did that in the I did that, I write about it, like my experience of the first time I did that in the book, and just it felt like reaching, like I didn't know how to be compassionate with myself in that moment.
00:26:04.609 --> 00:26:07.249
And I didn't know how like life felt so uncertain.
00:26:07.329 --> 00:26:10.769
And right now, even life feels uncertain sometimes, lots of times.
00:26:11.009 --> 00:26:23.809
And uh, but something so powerful about like reaching into the future and having and like kind of like holding hands with your older self and having them tell you, like, hey, like you're gonna do cool things, it's gonna work out.
00:26:24.049 --> 00:26:28.689
And um, and it's something that I I've continued to do at different points when I've needed it.
00:26:28.929 --> 00:26:31.729
Um, you know, different and different versions of that.
00:26:31.809 --> 00:26:33.169
And it's it's so cool.
00:26:33.329 --> 00:26:35.089
Definitely recommend, highly recommend yes.
00:26:35.329 --> 00:26:35.969
I love that.
00:26:36.209 --> 00:26:39.809
Um, I feel like there's like a country song called like you're gonna miss this.
00:26:39.969 --> 00:26:54.049
I don't, I don't really know it, but I feel like I've seen like Instagram reels that have parenting moments that are like someone completely melting down and like not wanting to get in their um car seat, you know, and it's like playing that song to be funny, you know.
00:26:54.289 --> 00:26:59.009
But um, I do feel like sometimes my husband and I will like laugh to each other and be like, We're gonna miss this.
00:26:59.089 --> 00:27:02.689
I'm like, oh my god, this is the most annoying thing that's happening, but like we're gonna miss this.
00:27:02.769 --> 00:27:04.769
But I I really think that we are gonna miss it.
00:27:04.929 --> 00:27:05.249
Yes.
00:27:05.409 --> 00:27:12.449
I mean, it'll probably take some time, like we'll be excited to not have to do all this work and then eventually we're gonna miss this.
00:27:12.689 --> 00:27:14.929
Oh, and and I actually had never made that connection.
00:27:15.009 --> 00:27:16.769
I I do that all the time as a parent.
00:27:16.929 --> 00:27:19.089
Like, it's like, yeah, I guess it's the mini version of the letter.
00:27:19.249 --> 00:27:26.929
I think in the hard moments, one day I will want to like time travel back to this moment, and I will look at it and think it's so sweet.
00:27:27.089 --> 00:27:29.169
Um, even though right now I want to pull my hair up.
00:27:29.329 --> 00:27:30.129
Like we're exhausted.
00:27:30.209 --> 00:27:32.449
It's like we're too tired, we can't even keep our eyes open, you know.
00:27:32.609 --> 00:27:33.729
But like there'll be our moment.
00:27:34.209 --> 00:27:36.529
Yeah, our future selves are gonna be like well rested, right?
00:27:36.929 --> 00:27:37.569
Yeah, yeah.
00:27:37.969 --> 00:27:41.169
We're gonna need like a solid break, and then we might start missing it.
00:27:41.329 --> 00:27:44.929
But I do think we can give ourselves grace with the fact that it's really hard right now.
00:27:45.089 --> 00:27:46.209
So definitely.
00:27:46.449 --> 00:27:46.929
I love that.
00:27:47.089 --> 00:27:48.529
Okay, this has been so much fun.
00:27:48.609 --> 00:27:55.089
Also, I was like, Oh, your 80-year-old self is gonna be like, You're gonna actually do so much cool stuff that you're gonna be on a podcast series called Cool People Doing Cool Stuff.
00:27:55.249 --> 00:27:55.329
Yes.
00:27:57.489 --> 00:27:58.049
So tell me.
00:27:58.289 --> 00:28:03.569
She told me, she told me she's like, I'm not gonna tell you, like when so when I wrote this letter, she's like, I'm not gonna tell you about all the cool things.
00:28:03.649 --> 00:28:07.729
I don't want to ruin it for you, but just know it's all worth it, it's all gonna turn out.
00:28:07.809 --> 00:28:10.449
And I was like, okay, thank you for the pep talk, 80-year-old self.
00:28:10.609 --> 00:28:12.529
You sound really cool, can't wait to meet you.
00:28:13.009 --> 00:28:14.929
And you're gonna meet Deanna Seymour, just kidding.
00:28:15.249 --> 00:28:16.289
Um, oh my gosh.
00:28:16.529 --> 00:28:20.049
So tell people where they can hang out with you, get the book, all the best.
00:28:20.529 --> 00:28:20.769
Yes.
00:28:20.849 --> 00:28:23.169
So my website is melissaparks.com.
00:28:23.329 --> 00:28:26.369
I'm on Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn.
00:28:26.689 --> 00:28:27.969
Don't look for me on TikTok.
00:28:28.049 --> 00:28:28.689
I'm not on there.
00:28:28.769 --> 00:28:30.209
I've heard it's great, but yeah.
00:28:31.009 --> 00:28:32.529
I can only do so many things.
00:28:32.769 --> 00:28:36.209
Um, and you can find out everything about my book um on the website.
00:28:36.369 --> 00:28:47.169
Um, sign up for my mailing list there because that's where I'm sharing everything about like when pre-orders go live and just I'm sharing a lot behind the scenes about like writing the book, and um, I've gotten great feedback from people.
00:28:47.249 --> 00:28:51.009
Um, some people are telling me, like, hey, maybe I'm gonna write my own book too.
00:28:51.089 --> 00:28:51.809
So I love that.
00:28:51.889 --> 00:28:54.929
I hope that, yeah, to kind of like inspire other people too.
00:28:55.089 --> 00:28:57.489
Um yeah, so come connect with me there.
00:28:57.649 --> 00:28:59.249
And yeah, this was great.
00:28:59.329 --> 00:28:59.889
I loved this.
00:28:59.969 --> 00:29:03.009
I could, I could I can already tell I could talk to you for like another hour.
00:29:03.409 --> 00:29:06.609
No, I was like, it's gonna be like 15 or 20 minutes, like all of these are going way over.
00:29:06.769 --> 00:29:09.969
I feel like if we say 15 or 20 minutes, it'll be like 30 or 40.
00:29:10.049 --> 00:29:10.689
So that's fine.
00:29:10.849 --> 00:29:11.569
But this was awesome.
00:29:11.649 --> 00:29:13.489
All right, Melissa, we're gonna keep in touch.
00:29:13.729 --> 00:29:14.529
Thank you, Dean.
00:00:45.210 --> 00:00:51.450
Has anyone ever told you that you're too much or too sensitive or too anxious or too complicated?
00:00:51.850 --> 00:00:56.090
And somehow you end up feeling like you're not enough at the same time or always falling short?
00:00:56.250 --> 00:00:56.409
Okay.
00:00:56.490 --> 00:00:57.290
Yeah, me too.
00:00:57.450 --> 00:01:05.210
And it's the same for my guest today, Melissa Parks, who's a writer, a therapist turned coach, and co-founder of the location independent therapist community.
00:01:05.530 --> 00:01:08.010
And she has a new book coming out on June 23rd.
00:01:08.170 --> 00:01:09.769
It's called A Compassionate Mess.
00:01:10.490 --> 00:01:13.609
A Therapist, Her Monsters, and a Journey to Self-Aceptance.
00:01:14.250 --> 00:01:20.569
We are gonna get into all kinds of stuff like your inner critic, people pleasing, perfectionism, and being too much for some people.
00:01:21.129 --> 00:01:27.930
And if we haven't met yet, I'm Deanna Seymour, graphic designer, creative director, and founder of the Playhouse, where networking is actually fun.
00:01:28.250 --> 00:01:30.969
And this is my new series, Cool People Doing Cool Things.
00:01:31.530 --> 00:01:32.490
And Melissa's cool.
00:01:32.650 --> 00:01:34.329
So let's get into this episode.
00:01:38.329 --> 00:01:40.009
Hey Melissa, how's it going?
00:01:40.569 --> 00:01:41.370
It's going well.
00:01:41.450 --> 00:01:42.969
I'm excited to be here, Deanna.
00:01:43.050 --> 00:01:44.890
Um, hope my voice warms up a little bit.
00:01:45.129 --> 00:01:47.370
I know we were just talking before we hit record about.
00:01:47.450 --> 00:01:53.049
I have pollen, a pollen situation here in Richmond, and like it's just I guess that time of year.
00:01:53.210 --> 00:01:53.609
I don't know.
00:01:54.090 --> 00:01:54.329
Whatever.
00:01:54.570 --> 00:01:55.769
I want it to just be summer.
00:01:56.010 --> 00:01:57.210
I'm like, just be summer.
00:01:57.450 --> 00:01:59.689
Like, just enough with the changing of the seasons.
00:01:59.769 --> 00:02:00.969
I'm ready for the next season.
00:02:01.210 --> 00:02:02.010
Bring on summer.
00:02:02.250 --> 00:02:02.570
Yes.
00:02:02.730 --> 00:02:03.129
Let's see.
00:02:03.450 --> 00:02:04.010
Oh my god.
00:02:04.250 --> 00:02:04.570
Okay.
00:02:04.810 --> 00:02:12.250
So my friend, Vicky Kelty, is like in your world, and she reached out to me and was like, oh my gosh, cool people doing cool stuff.
00:02:12.409 --> 00:02:14.490
Like, you gotta meet Melissa.
00:02:14.889 --> 00:02:21.370
So you just wrote a book, and I just want to let you tell us about it so I don't like mess it all up.
00:02:21.610 --> 00:02:22.170
Oh, okay.
00:02:22.250 --> 00:02:22.810
Okay, yes.
00:02:22.889 --> 00:02:27.610
Um, well, I was really first of all honored like that you're doing this new series, Cool People Doing Cool Things.
00:02:27.689 --> 00:02:30.490
And I was like, oh, I'm a cool person doing cool things.
00:02:30.569 --> 00:02:31.210
That's awesome.
00:02:31.530 --> 00:02:33.210
Thanks for being for acknowledging that.
00:02:34.009 --> 00:02:34.409
Yeah.
00:02:34.969 --> 00:02:38.889
So, oh gosh, okay, the my little elevator pitch for the book.
00:02:38.969 --> 00:02:40.250
Um, it's a memoir.
00:02:40.409 --> 00:02:45.050
Um but yeah, we were just talking about how like the book is not the same as like my life right now.
00:02:45.210 --> 00:02:48.890
So the book um it took place over a decade that I lived um abroad.
00:02:49.050 --> 00:02:52.890
I live I'm in Seattle now, but I lived in Spain and the Netherlands for 10 years.
00:02:53.129 --> 00:02:56.330
Um, and so it's the story of that, which was seven years ago now.
00:02:56.409 --> 00:02:57.289
So it's kind of wild.
00:02:57.449 --> 00:03:00.890
But um and everything, um, I'm a therapist by training.
00:03:00.969 --> 00:03:27.129
It's all about like becoming a therapist myself while also going to therapy and like sometimes exploring some of the same things as my clients, kind of figuring making sense of the fact that I'd always felt sort of out of place, um, too sensitive, called too sensitive my whole life, trying to like figure out, you know, what what tools can I do to stop that sensitivity and finally embracing it, um, and coming to a place of finding a home inside of myself with uh thanks to self-compassion.
00:03:27.210 --> 00:03:34.490
That's a practice that has been so powerful for me, for my clients, um, and something I continue to practice, especially now that I'm a mom.
00:03:34.650 --> 00:03:35.930
So need it every day.
00:03:36.490 --> 00:03:37.050
My goodness.
00:03:37.210 --> 00:03:39.210
Yes, oh my gosh, yes, I'm a mom too.
00:03:39.289 --> 00:03:40.729
So okay, 100%.
00:03:41.289 --> 00:03:47.449
Um okay, so the book is called A Compassionate Mess, which I think is a really fun title.
00:03:47.610 --> 00:03:49.370
I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm a mess.
00:03:49.689 --> 00:03:50.810
Um yeah.
00:03:50.969 --> 00:03:55.129
And so the idea, let's talk about this idea of being too sensitive.
00:03:55.449 --> 00:03:58.650
How annoying is that that people weaponize it?
00:03:58.810 --> 00:04:00.810
Because I've I've struggled with this too.
00:04:00.969 --> 00:04:01.129
Yeah.
00:04:01.370 --> 00:04:03.289
And people have been like, oh, you're so sensitive.
00:04:03.449 --> 00:04:07.770
And I'm like, I used to do what you're saying and be like, oh, okay, yeah, that's wrong.
00:04:07.849 --> 00:04:08.729
Like, how do I change it?
00:04:09.449 --> 00:04:14.409
But in recent years, I've sort of been like, well, I guess you're too much of a jerk.
00:04:14.490 --> 00:04:17.289
Like, I don't, I'm like, no, I think I'm like the right amount of sensitive.
00:04:17.370 --> 00:04:21.850
Like, I actually think being sensitive is a cool, like a nice thing to be.
00:04:22.569 --> 00:04:28.810
Like when you think about when you really think about it, you're like, how dare like they should be embarrassed that they're saying that.
00:04:28.889 --> 00:04:33.850
I feel like now is like my new perspective, which I don't I don't need to shame them, but maybe a lot.
00:04:35.050 --> 00:04:36.810
But isn't it just weird?
00:04:36.970 --> 00:04:42.649
So, can you talk a little bit about how people take that on as like such an insult?
00:04:42.889 --> 00:04:43.529
You know what I mean?
00:04:43.610 --> 00:04:47.850
Like, I mean, I think part of it is it doesn't like start one day, right?
00:04:47.930 --> 00:04:50.009
It's like built into your wiring.
00:04:50.169 --> 00:04:54.409
Um, and so if you're being called too sensitive, you've probably been called too sensitive your whole life.
00:04:54.810 --> 00:04:57.529
Um, yeah, yeah, I definitely totally.
00:04:57.769 --> 00:04:59.450
Well, now I'm like, oh yeah, that makes sense.
00:04:59.610 --> 00:05:02.809
And also when you're little, probably you're just like, well, then this is true and it's bad.
00:05:02.970 --> 00:05:07.690
Like you're just too little to have the reference of being like whatever, because you're little.
00:05:07.929 --> 00:05:10.730
You're just like, this is bad and annoying.
00:05:11.049 --> 00:05:11.529
Yes.
00:05:11.769 --> 00:05:15.370
And for me, like 30, okay, I'm like in my early 40s now.
00:05:15.450 --> 00:05:24.090
So, like, you know, those decades ago, um, I think it was especially prevalent that like, you know, we kids are supposed to be like a scene and what is it, seen but not heard, right?
00:05:24.250 --> 00:05:24.409
Yeah.
00:05:25.049 --> 00:05:30.809
And it's just like follow along, don't cry, stop being a drama queen, um, all that stuff.
00:05:30.970 --> 00:05:32.970
And so hopefully it's changing.
00:05:33.129 --> 00:05:34.970
I know I'm trying to change it in my house.
00:05:35.210 --> 00:05:44.730
Um, but still, I still like hear, even like from my son's teacher sometimes, like, oh, you know, he needs to like uh talk about his feelings, like he can't just cry.
00:05:44.809 --> 00:05:46.730
And I'm like, why can't he just cry?
00:05:46.809 --> 00:05:49.370
Like that's just he let him cry, right?
00:05:49.610 --> 00:05:49.850
Yeah.
00:05:50.009 --> 00:05:51.129
What is this the cure?
00:05:51.289 --> 00:05:52.250
Like, boys don't cry.
00:05:52.330 --> 00:05:53.370
Come on, what year is it?
00:05:53.450 --> 00:05:53.929
Like, come on.
00:05:54.169 --> 00:05:55.049
Yes, I know.
00:05:55.529 --> 00:06:00.169
Yes, I think in a classroom it's like, oh, this is just kind of like getting in the way of the things we're trying to do.
00:06:00.330 --> 00:06:10.009
So I think there are and and I I think there are just so many subtle things in our world where like people are like, you know, we just gotta get on with the day, we gotta do the things, we don't have time for these emotions.
00:06:10.330 --> 00:06:18.169
Um, which, yes, coming from the middle field, I'm like, okay, no, it doesn't work like that, but it took me many, many years to get to that place.
00:06:18.330 --> 00:06:23.210
Um, and yeah, like I was saying, you know, in the book, I find I kind of make peace with it.
00:06:23.289 --> 00:06:28.889
I mean, I don't know, it's it's something that I I find myself like criticizing myself sometimes about it still, right?
00:06:28.970 --> 00:06:38.009
So like I'm definitely more at peace, but also I the whole compassionate mess idea is this idea too, we can just we can be messy, we can be human, we can be, you know, we can be imperfect.
00:06:38.169 --> 00:06:42.730
Um, and just to try to notice it and try to meet ourselves with compassion and kindness.
00:06:42.970 --> 00:06:44.169
Yeah, that's interesting.
00:06:44.250 --> 00:06:52.169
I feel like I um my daughter just turned 10, and so we're having like conversations about bodies and like insecurity, body image, all this stuff.
00:06:52.250 --> 00:07:02.009
And I'm like, hey, I feel like I've I'm really good at it now, but there's just so many messages in our world that make you think like I still have days where I'm like, I was like, I basically am just better at shaking it off.
00:07:02.090 --> 00:07:08.970
Like it still happens, but you just get better at like hearing that voice, recognizing it, and being like, no, we don't think like that anymore.
00:07:09.129 --> 00:07:17.289
But I was like, I don't know if there'll ever be a time where I don't, I mean, because the world we live in, I mean, maybe things can change enough that I won't have those moments.
00:07:17.450 --> 00:07:24.730
But I think you saying like a practice of doing this, I think is like it's just you're never like, okay, I'm fixed.
00:07:24.809 --> 00:07:28.490
I'm totally fine now, and I don't have to like work through anything ever again.
00:07:28.730 --> 00:07:35.690
Well, and I talk about that in my book, how I have like several moments where it's like, okay, I like graduated from therapy, like I'm fixed, I'm better.
00:07:35.850 --> 00:07:44.250
And then, you know, spoiler alert, I come to the end of the book and I'm like, oh, okay, so even this cool self-compassion stuff like doesn't have a finish line.
00:07:44.409 --> 00:07:46.250
Like, I'm I'm just a mess.
00:07:46.409 --> 00:07:52.809
It's but like it's but yeah, again, the compassionate mess and and and yeah, just being kind to yourself in that.
00:07:52.889 --> 00:07:54.330
And and unfortunately, I think you're right.
00:07:54.409 --> 00:07:58.570
Like they're our world just not our world really, it's our society, right?
00:07:58.649 --> 00:08:05.210
It's uh has so it wants us, well, it wants us to be um, it wants us to not like ourselves, right?
00:08:05.289 --> 00:08:06.570
Because then it can sell us stuff.
00:08:06.730 --> 00:08:07.210
Exactly.
00:08:07.690 --> 00:08:11.450
That's the angle I took with my daughter because I was like, oh, she's gonna be real mad if she finds out.
00:08:11.529 --> 00:08:13.690
Like she's a little bit of a punk rock rebel like me.
00:08:13.769 --> 00:08:15.929
So I'm like, she's gonna be real, like, let's just turn it into anger.
00:08:16.009 --> 00:08:19.850
I was like, let's just talk about the beauty industry and how they're profiting off us being miserable.
00:08:19.929 --> 00:08:21.049
And she's like, what?
00:08:21.289 --> 00:08:22.169
And I'm like, yeah.
00:08:22.330 --> 00:08:24.330
So like that anger somebody.
00:08:24.570 --> 00:08:26.490
Well, and that's an angle of self-compassion.
00:08:26.570 --> 00:08:28.330
I talk about it a little bit in the book too.
00:08:28.409 --> 00:08:30.409
It's fierce self-compassion, right?
00:08:30.490 --> 00:08:38.570
I think so often we think about being very tender and kind and gentle when we hear the word self-compassion, and that's a big part, and it takes practice, but it can be fierce too.
00:08:38.649 --> 00:08:45.289
It can be angry, it can be, you know, getting mad at these messages we hear and saying, like, I'm not gonna let that hurt me.
00:08:45.610 --> 00:08:46.490
Yeah, yeah.
00:08:46.809 --> 00:08:48.490
Well, I think too, that can be annoying to people.
00:08:48.649 --> 00:08:53.450
That's when we're being too much, also, or like too mad or too or too too much of anything.
00:08:53.610 --> 00:08:58.409
But one thing I thought was interesting too that you talk about the too much and not enough paradox.
00:08:58.730 --> 00:08:59.049
Yes.
00:08:59.610 --> 00:09:01.450
So can you sort of talk about that?
00:09:01.690 --> 00:09:02.169
Yeah.
00:09:02.330 --> 00:09:06.250
I I just something that I've lived and I see a lot in my clients too.
00:09:06.409 --> 00:09:08.169
It's like, I don't know what it is.
00:09:08.250 --> 00:09:10.730
Like, is it a pendulum we swing back and forth with?
00:09:10.809 --> 00:09:16.889
Uh it's just maybe it's just the different messages we get of feeling like I should do more, I need to be more.
00:09:17.449 --> 00:09:27.689
Um trying to just like fill this missing piece of like, you know, I should be more, but then also like maybe going into that space and being like, actually, no, like I don't like, I don't really like that.
00:09:27.769 --> 00:09:30.649
Like now, now I feel vulnerable, right?
00:09:30.730 --> 00:09:33.689
Now I feel like exposed and it's not safe.
00:09:33.850 --> 00:09:40.009
Um, and I think it again, yeah, it comes from those messages of like maybe it's the too sensitive thing that you've been told you're too sensitive.
00:09:40.089 --> 00:09:43.289
Okay, well, sometimes that means I'm again the crying, the drama queen.
00:09:43.449 --> 00:09:47.209
And sometimes that means like, you know, okay, well, to be safe, I have to shrink.
00:09:47.370 --> 00:09:54.970
But then also if you're shrinking, you're kind of giving yourself that message of like, you know, you're not enough, you should do more, you should be less sensitive.
00:09:55.129 --> 00:10:01.689
Um, and so I know for me it was really like coming to a place of realizing, oh, I need to tell myself both of those things, right?
00:10:01.769 --> 00:10:04.730
Like, you are enough and you are not too much.
00:10:04.889 --> 00:10:08.490
And and another thing I really like to tell myself is it's safe to be seen.
00:10:08.730 --> 00:10:09.529
So yeah.
00:10:09.850 --> 00:10:10.169
Yeah.
00:10:10.329 --> 00:10:12.169
Well, because I it is weird.
00:10:12.329 --> 00:10:18.409
Like, I feel like you are like, you're just pulled to, but then you're like so not being yourself.
00:10:18.490 --> 00:10:30.409
Then you like, I think also maybe it could re like your yourself could accidentally respond with like then you're like maybe even too more emotional than you would have been if you would just let yourself be the normal amount of emotional the whole time.
00:10:30.730 --> 00:10:31.529
Does that make sense?
00:10:31.610 --> 00:10:34.569
Like you're trying to hide it and then you're like, I can't take it anymore.
00:10:34.730 --> 00:10:37.209
Like, oh yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:10:37.289 --> 00:10:39.850
That's and that's that's what I've found so much myself.
00:10:39.929 --> 00:10:43.769
Like, if I just let myself have the feeling, it's it's a wave, right?
00:10:43.850 --> 00:10:44.970
It's like a wave in the ocean.
00:10:45.049 --> 00:10:52.889
Whereas if you try to like fight it, control it, stuff it down, ignore it, um, it can become a tsunami.
00:10:52.970 --> 00:10:53.129
Yeah.
00:10:53.289 --> 00:10:55.610
So really it comes back more powerful.
00:10:55.769 --> 00:10:57.129
You're like, oh, okay, fine.
00:10:57.209 --> 00:10:57.850
You're you're out.
00:10:57.929 --> 00:10:58.569
You broke free.
00:10:58.649 --> 00:10:59.049
It's fine.
00:10:59.289 --> 00:10:59.850
Yeah, yeah.
00:11:00.009 --> 00:11:05.449
So it is funny because it's about accepting that you're you're sensitive, that you feel things deeply.
00:11:05.689 --> 00:11:14.329
Um, and also that if you just let yourself be that, then you won't go into actually maybe being too sensitive, right?
00:11:14.409 --> 00:11:15.449
It's just yeah.
00:11:15.610 --> 00:11:23.929
Well, and I feel like with body, I feel like I'm I keep relating this to the body conversation, but um it's interesting because I feel like there's certain things that are okay.
00:11:24.009 --> 00:11:37.289
Like I don't think anybody's like, oh, you have brown eyes, or like, oh, you're you're like too tall or too short, or like your hair is only this long, or and I know beauty standards can make us feel bad about our eye color or feeling too tall or too short.
00:11:37.449 --> 00:11:43.289
But for the most part, people accept that some people are tall and some people are short, and some people have brown eyes and some people have blue eyes.
00:11:43.850 --> 00:11:46.889
But why are we all like but also let's all just be skinny?
00:11:47.289 --> 00:11:48.250
Like, you know what I mean?
00:11:48.329 --> 00:11:56.569
Or like why can't we have a range of emotions, you know, like this person that's pretty even keeled, but they don't seem to like get too worked up.
00:11:56.730 --> 00:11:58.009
This person gets a little more worked up.
00:11:58.089 --> 00:12:00.730
Like, why does it have to be like too much or too little?
00:12:00.889 --> 00:12:13.929
Because I feel like sometimes I've even had um like uh my mom has given presents before and been like, wow, like our her one grandkid doesn't get too excited, but the other one gets really excited, but he also gets really sad.
00:12:14.089 --> 00:12:16.970
And I remember being like, well, he just feels a lot more emotions.
00:12:17.209 --> 00:12:28.329
So if we want him to be really excited when we give him a cool present, then we also have to accept that he's like really disappointed if plans change or so like I don't I'm like, can't we just all just be what we are?
00:12:28.569 --> 00:12:30.329
Yeah, just exactly yes, I think.
00:12:31.129 --> 00:12:35.689
I mean, I like I I'm thinking about it, I'm thinking out thinking aloud a bit about this.
00:12:35.850 --> 00:12:40.649
I I think maybe it's like the stuff that like affects other people somehow, right?
00:12:40.730 --> 00:12:49.209
Like it's like you know, maybe they're getting hurt or offended somehow by by the sadness, and sometimes it's like the inconvenience of it, of those feelings.
00:12:49.769 --> 00:12:51.049
Um gosh.
00:12:51.129 --> 00:12:53.850
And then yeah, the I don't know what is it, yeah.
00:12:53.929 --> 00:12:54.889
What is it with the thinness?
00:12:55.049 --> 00:12:55.449
I'm not sure.
00:12:55.610 --> 00:13:07.850
I think that's just like a way like for like people to like try to control women, especially, and just like you have to, you know, starve yourself and then but I mean I don't know, it's the it is there is a there is some similarities with emotions, right?
00:13:07.929 --> 00:13:20.089
Like like being like like starve yourself of like your real emotions or something, and like getting small, and then also like sort of like cutting your calories so low, and then being like, never mind, I'm gonna eat this whole bag of cheetos.
00:13:20.329 --> 00:13:29.370
Like the thing we're just talking about with the emotions is like anytime you're like trying to fit yourself like into a smaller box, it seems like is sort of the common thread there.
00:13:29.449 --> 00:13:33.449
Um eventually you're like, I can't keep up the charade.
00:13:33.529 --> 00:13:34.649
Like that this is not me.
00:13:34.730 --> 00:13:36.889
This is what I need, this is what I'm doing.
00:13:37.370 --> 00:13:37.769
Yes.
00:13:38.009 --> 00:13:46.329
And interestingly, I I talk in the book about how um I had an eating disorder, and it did all start with that like restriction and then turning into binging.
00:13:46.490 --> 00:13:52.250
And so I relate so much, and I think uh I think so often it is, it's related to like emotions, right?
00:13:52.329 --> 00:13:59.449
Like I couldn't, I didn't feel like I could be myself with the emotions, so like trying to like okay, well, I'm already controlling those, like let me like see what else I can control.
00:13:59.850 --> 00:14:02.809
Yeah, and yeah, it's it's awful.
00:14:03.049 --> 00:14:07.769
Yeah, I have a daughter too, she's only 18 months, but I'm like, oh god, it's a lot.
00:14:08.009 --> 00:14:14.089
What what a big like task we have to like help these women will grow into women and and like love themselves.
00:14:14.329 --> 00:14:14.569
Yeah.
00:14:14.730 --> 00:14:21.850
I mean, that's when I like really got serious, I guess I could say, about my journey to be nicer to myself was actually when I was pregnant with her.
00:14:21.929 --> 00:14:27.129
Cause I was like, Am I about to bring another girl into this world and model this awful behavior for her?
00:14:27.370 --> 00:14:35.850
So I was like dabbling in it, but I was like, okay, I got nine months to like make sure I'm not ever looking in the mirror and being like, oh, I look fat today.
00:14:36.009 --> 00:14:45.850
Like, you know, I just don't, because even if I'm not telling her she's fat, if she's watching me grow up looking in the mirror and saying I'm fat, she's gonna think that's how we talk to ourselves.
00:14:46.009 --> 00:14:49.449
So I know I was like, all right, girl, you got nine months to get this.
00:14:49.689 --> 00:14:53.850
Well, maybe a little longer than nine months, maybe two and newborn, like a newborn.
00:14:53.929 --> 00:14:58.490
She might not have been like taking it in, but I really was like, I'm not gonna talk like that in front of her.
00:14:58.569 --> 00:15:15.049
And it starts like, I need to start practicing now that I'm not gonna make these little dumb comments all the time that are just like a habit, you know, that I didn't even feel necessarily, but it is kind of like learned, like this is just what we do, like that scene in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan's like, oh, I guess you can hate.
00:15:15.209 --> 00:15:22.490
I thought you were just like pretty or ugly, but I guess you can hate lots of parts of your body because they're all in the mirror being like, Oh, my calves are too big, like my nose is weird.
00:15:22.649 --> 00:15:25.370
And I'm like, Oh my gosh, yeah, we just learn it.
00:15:25.449 --> 00:15:28.569
Um it's like part of socializing as a woman, unfortunately.
00:15:29.049 --> 00:15:33.209
I'm not saying in nine months I like nailed it, but I get better.
00:15:33.370 --> 00:15:34.490
I got better for sure.
00:15:34.649 --> 00:15:35.209
Yeah.
00:15:35.689 --> 00:15:41.129
So let's talk about that inner critic because you sort of describe it as a shape shifter, which I thought was cool.
00:15:41.689 --> 00:15:42.569
Yes, yes.
00:15:42.730 --> 00:15:47.769
Um, something I have also learned because I was trying to get to the, I was like, well, how do I just like erase the inner critic, right?
00:15:47.850 --> 00:15:48.569
Like, I don't want that.
00:15:48.649 --> 00:15:50.730
That's you know, seems like it's getting in my way.
00:15:51.049 --> 00:15:51.850
Yeah, yeah.
00:15:52.089 --> 00:15:53.370
Just delete it, it's fine.
00:15:53.529 --> 00:15:55.449
But what yeah, what I found is that's another thing.
00:15:55.529 --> 00:15:56.889
It's it's not going away.
00:15:56.970 --> 00:16:00.089
Like it is, I think about it like kind of like anxiety.
00:16:00.169 --> 00:16:05.049
I I struggle with anxiety, and for me, it helps a lot to think about like where, like, what's its purpose, right?
00:16:05.129 --> 00:16:06.329
Like, where is it coming from?
00:16:06.569 --> 00:16:08.409
It's trying to come from a good place.
00:16:08.490 --> 00:16:10.409
And I think that's our inner critic, too, right?
00:16:10.490 --> 00:16:14.569
Like we live in a world where like they're, you know, we're trying to get along with other people.
00:16:14.649 --> 00:16:25.129
And so it is probably good to be like noticing some things we could do better or rules we could follow, or you know, it just it uh it gets really loud and it gets really strong.
00:16:25.370 --> 00:16:34.169
And um, and that's you know, that's where the self-compass with self-compassion I often think about like having kind of trying to balance it out with like a more compassionate voice.
00:16:34.490 --> 00:16:37.529
So you bring in that voice, and yeah, it could at least nine months.
00:16:37.610 --> 00:16:39.689
It takes at least nine months to practice, right?
00:16:39.929 --> 00:16:51.129
You've got your whole life of probably not we don't really get taught to well, maybe again, maybe now kids do, but I never got taught how to be kind and gentle and like okay, yeah, be your own cheerleader.
00:16:51.209 --> 00:16:52.490
I I don't know, I didn't get that.
00:16:52.649 --> 00:16:58.730
So everything I did was kind of just like, all right, inner crit me and my inner critic, like just taking on life.
00:16:58.889 --> 00:17:01.449
And so it had a lot of years of practice.
00:17:01.689 --> 00:17:24.329
And what I find now is like even though I am aware of it, I notice it, I really try to not let it run the show, it has become a shape shifter where like I just won't even notice that it's like it can be, you know, I can have something going on for months, and then I'm like, I talk to like my therapist or maybe like or a friend or somebody, and they're like, oh, that's you're being really hard on yourself.
00:17:24.569 --> 00:17:27.769
I'm like, oh no, it's yeah, I know, I know.
00:17:27.850 --> 00:17:51.089
And then I don't want to get into the like, oh, you're supposed to be self-compassionate, why aren't you doing it?
00:17:51.169 --> 00:17:51.329
Right?
00:17:51.409 --> 00:17:54.289
I have to like really like again the mess part, right?
00:17:54.369 --> 00:17:56.369
Like be compassionate about like it's okay.
00:17:56.529 --> 00:17:58.369
Um, but it's frustrating, right?
00:17:58.450 --> 00:18:00.849
If this is something you're, you know, you're working on.
00:18:01.009 --> 00:18:05.249
Uh and and then it's just like there in the background being sneaky.
00:18:05.409 --> 00:18:09.969
Um and I'll say I bet for a lot of the your listeners, this would be helpful.
00:18:10.049 --> 00:18:13.409
I notice it really comes in strong when I'm like doing something new.
00:18:13.569 --> 00:18:15.569
Like I'm a I'm a business owner myself.
00:18:15.649 --> 00:18:25.329
And so like when I'm like trying to like, you know, put myself out there, launching the book, um, that kind of thing, like the inner critic is like, all right, let's go, let's do this.
00:18:25.729 --> 00:18:27.009
But in a very sneaky way.
00:18:27.169 --> 00:18:27.489
Yes.
00:18:27.649 --> 00:18:28.449
Well, it's scary.
00:18:28.609 --> 00:18:35.329
I mean, yeah, having a business is like you're it's like a therapy, like all the like always self-growth therapy.
00:18:35.489 --> 00:18:41.809
You're like, oh, you have to like be brave, you have to do the hard things, you have to show up, you have to give yourself a pep talk.
00:18:41.889 --> 00:18:44.689
Cause like it's it's so much, I think.
00:18:45.169 --> 00:18:50.689
Um but you also said like the shapeshifter could be productivity, perfectionism, people pleasing.
00:18:50.849 --> 00:18:51.009
Yeah.
00:18:51.169 --> 00:18:52.689
And I was thinking about this today.
00:18:53.009 --> 00:18:58.129
My email that's set to go out this afternoon, will which will have already been in the world by the time this airs.
00:18:58.209 --> 00:19:05.249
But um like I kind of realized that I was sort of using this idea of accessibility, but really I think I was just trying to people please.
00:19:05.329 --> 00:19:06.929
I was like, oh my god, nobody be mad at me.
00:19:07.009 --> 00:19:22.929
Like, let me make this lower, let me chop this offer up, let me try to like make it so you know, people can like just feeling like oh, you know, uh and you're coming, you're thinking, it's like you said it was sneaky because you like think, well, I'm being nice.
00:19:23.009 --> 00:19:25.569
I'm like making sure it's accessible for people and I'm doing this.
00:19:25.729 --> 00:19:36.369
I'm doing and meanwhile, I'm like about to burn out and I'm not having as much fun in my business because I've like uh productized my offers and made them like so different that I'm like this isn't even what I like to do.
00:19:36.529 --> 00:19:40.129
And also like listening to other people, like it's just yes, you have to combat that.
00:19:40.289 --> 00:19:46.769
Like all the stuff we hear, just scroll Instagram for a second and you hear like 10 business tips in two seconds, and you're like, wait, what am I doing?
00:19:46.929 --> 00:19:47.809
What what's happening?
00:19:47.969 --> 00:19:51.329
So yes, yes, absolutely, yeah, yeah.
00:19:51.569 --> 00:20:04.449
I I gosh, I that that fine line between being like a high achiever and like you know, excited and wanting to do a lot of things in your business or life, and and then but like not tipping into perfectionism, like that is so hard.
00:20:04.529 --> 00:20:10.929
And yes, that's like the perfect territory for that inner critic shape, sneaky shapes shifter to come in, and you gotta watch it.
00:20:11.569 --> 00:20:12.129
You really do.
00:20:12.369 --> 00:20:18.369
And it like you said, you can kind of be like really in it before you even notice what's happening.
00:20:18.689 --> 00:20:20.689
So let's say, okay, here's a question.
00:20:20.929 --> 00:20:25.009
If you realize, oh my gosh, wait, I was just doing that, I was people pleasing.
00:20:25.089 --> 00:20:28.929
Like, how do you like snap out of it, but still be nice to yourself about it?
00:20:29.249 --> 00:20:30.449
Because I like what you were saying too.
00:20:30.529 --> 00:20:34.129
You're not like beating yourself up, like, oh, I'm such an idiot, I was totally people pleasing.
00:20:34.449 --> 00:20:35.169
That's not the way.
00:20:35.329 --> 00:20:36.369
Yes, that's not the way.
00:20:36.529 --> 00:20:37.409
I mean, you might do that.
00:20:37.489 --> 00:20:38.289
That's the thing too, right?
00:20:40.289 --> 00:20:41.649
Hopefully, you hear that and you say it.
00:20:41.809 --> 00:20:45.329
Yeah, hopefully, and you're like, oh wait, that's you know, that's not that's my inner critic again, right?
00:20:45.409 --> 00:20:47.249
Now it's like up front and center.
00:20:47.489 --> 00:20:51.729
Honestly, when you said it, when you were just saying it now, I was like, I just felt myself take a really deep breath.
00:20:51.889 --> 00:20:53.729
Like, I think, you know, it's so small, right?
00:20:53.889 --> 00:21:10.609
But like taking a deep breath, I you can see me on video, other people can't, but like putting my hand on my heart or like giving myself a hug, which may not feel comfortable for certain people, but honestly, like there is science that shows that even like gentle like touch to yourself can be really soothing.
00:21:10.769 --> 00:21:16.049
And so doing that, it's relatively simple and tapping into that kinder voice.
00:21:16.129 --> 00:21:18.369
Like, what would a friend say to me right now?
00:21:18.529 --> 00:21:19.969
What would I tell a friend right now?
00:21:20.129 --> 00:21:22.609
And then trying to say something like that back to yourself.
00:21:22.849 --> 00:21:24.609
It's crazy how effective breathing is.
00:21:24.689 --> 00:21:32.129
And I feel like my husband is really good at telling all of us, because we have two kids, but like me and the kids to breathe.
00:21:32.289 --> 00:21:35.329
And I will tell you that it actually annoys me if I'm really mad.
00:21:35.409 --> 00:21:37.569
I'm like talking about breathing again.
00:21:37.729 --> 00:21:40.289
And then when I breathe, I'm like, oh yeah, it's true.
00:21:40.529 --> 00:21:43.169
Such a thing, but nobody ever taught me that growing up.
00:21:43.329 --> 00:21:48.289
So I'm like, uh, you know what I actually need to do is go to my room and be really mad all by myself for a long time.
00:21:48.369 --> 00:21:49.649
Like, that's what I'm trained to do.
00:21:50.049 --> 00:21:50.929
Yes, yes.
00:21:51.169 --> 00:21:52.689
Which sometimes you need to do, right?
00:21:52.769 --> 00:21:55.089
You need to get the get the emotions out too.
00:21:55.249 --> 00:21:57.329
Um, and there's so many things you can do, right?
00:21:57.409 --> 00:22:04.289
Like you can like sometimes it's easier if you like write something down or like do a voice note or just something to get out of your head.
00:22:04.449 --> 00:22:06.049
Um, I think that can be really helpful too.
00:22:06.129 --> 00:22:11.809
So I think a lot of this is just like finding your finding your own rhythm with it, finding what works for you.
00:22:11.969 --> 00:22:20.609
And and I will say too, I'm like, I it's funny, I I learned Spanish in my 20s, and I I will swear in Spanish, but I won't swear in English.
00:22:20.849 --> 00:22:24.049
So like my and I'm my inner dialogue is mostly in English.
00:22:24.129 --> 00:22:34.929
And so my inner dialogue with like being compassionate is very gentle and nice, and um probably like, you know, maybe there's something going on there with like how I'm supposed to talk to myself.
00:22:35.169 --> 00:22:43.889
But I bring all that up to say, like, you can also like you can swear, you can like, you know, do make make your self compassionate voice your own, right?
00:22:43.969 --> 00:22:45.569
Like, there's no wrong way to do it.
00:22:45.809 --> 00:22:46.209
Yeah.
00:22:46.449 --> 00:22:52.929
Um, with my daughter, I was like, Yeah, you can tell that um voice in your head to just shut up, which we don't say that, like we don't say that to each other in our house.
00:22:53.009 --> 00:22:56.769
And she was like, like you would have thought I said like the craziest cuss word, you know.
00:22:56.849 --> 00:22:57.729
I'm like, no, yeah, you.
00:22:58.289 --> 00:23:03.489
Like totally be like, uh I said like home alone, you know, when he's like scared of the radiator and he goes, Shut up.
00:23:03.649 --> 00:23:15.009
Like just like I was telling her, like just hearing it is already like so impressive to if you can like start to hear it, then yeah, you can like figure out how you want to handle it.
00:23:15.089 --> 00:23:18.369
But um, oh my gosh, gives me hope for the next generation, right?
00:23:18.449 --> 00:23:23.409
Like, oh my gosh, kids are noticing their inner dialogue and they're like interacting with it in healthy ways.
00:23:23.649 --> 00:23:26.609
But it's crazy because it's like it is a lot of work.
00:23:26.769 --> 00:23:45.729
And I mean, I'm sure probably I mean, I'm 45, so I think we're similar, but like probably maybe some of your clients, it's it's a lot of work to work on learning that for yourself and also teaching it to someone else and working through like and sometimes like what they're doing is kind of activating me, like it is exhausting.
00:23:45.889 --> 00:23:54.929
Yeah, um, so I'm always like, I guess I understand why our parents were like, just go to your room, like yeah, stop being so sensitive, get out of here.
00:23:55.169 --> 00:23:58.209
Yeah, I'm like, oh my gosh, spanking seems really easy.
00:23:58.369 --> 00:24:05.889
Not that I was ever like, let's do that, but I understand the appeal of like all I have to do is like spank you if you're bad.
00:24:06.049 --> 00:24:09.809
Like, I don't have to discuss it with you, I don't have to help you make sense of it.
00:24:09.889 --> 00:24:15.649
Like it's like I kind of get the appeal there, but um, you know, we know how that turns out.
00:24:15.729 --> 00:24:17.009
So yes, I recommend it.
00:24:17.249 --> 00:24:18.369
We know that that's not recommended.
00:24:18.929 --> 00:24:20.769
How that's a lot easier for the parent.
00:24:21.009 --> 00:24:22.369
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:24:22.529 --> 00:24:23.009
Absolutely.
00:24:23.169 --> 00:24:27.329
Yeah, I think okay, so like we can have compassion for like the former generations, right?
00:24:27.489 --> 00:24:31.569
Like they, you know, were doing the easy thing, they didn't know any better.
00:24:32.209 --> 00:24:37.009
And of well, fortunately we know better, but also unfortunately because now we have so much on our plates.
00:24:37.489 --> 00:24:37.889
So much to do.
00:24:37.969 --> 00:24:39.089
Oh, why we're too tired.
00:24:39.329 --> 00:24:45.889
Okay, last thing I want to talk to you about, which I thought was really cool, is the idea of writing a letter from your 80-year-old self.
00:24:46.289 --> 00:24:47.409
So tell me more about that.
00:24:47.729 --> 00:24:53.649
Yes, so um, I cannot take full credit for this idea because it's from The Artist's way.
00:24:53.889 --> 00:24:54.689
Do you know that book?
00:24:55.009 --> 00:24:56.449
I have heard of it, but I haven't read it.
00:24:56.609 --> 00:24:58.529
But that's like the story of my life with most books.
00:24:58.849 --> 00:24:59.649
Oh, I know, I know.
00:24:59.729 --> 00:25:00.449
I totally understand.
00:25:00.529 --> 00:25:04.129
It is a book that I have, it's written by um a woman named Julia Cameron.
00:25:04.209 --> 00:25:06.289
I had it on my shelf for like 12 years.
00:25:06.449 --> 00:25:09.889
Um, and it wasn't, and people kept being like, This is life-changing, you should read it.
00:25:09.969 --> 00:25:10.689
And I'm like, I should.
00:25:10.769 --> 00:25:11.889
It sounds good, it sounds really good.
00:25:11.969 --> 00:25:12.849
I have a copy over here.
00:25:12.929 --> 00:25:15.089
That's I'm looking, I'm looking over here.
00:25:15.249 --> 00:25:20.449
Um, now I have it like an e-book, audiobook, and written book because it's I loved it.
00:25:20.609 --> 00:25:21.569
I love it so much.
00:25:21.729 --> 00:25:35.329
Um, and I finally read it at this point I talk about in the book, where like my long-term partner like just broke up with me suddenly, and there's reasoning behind it, and I make sense of that in the book, but like my I just felt like my life fell apart.
00:25:35.409 --> 00:25:40.529
And I was like, well, okay, I guess maybe it's now, maybe now it's time to read this book that everyone's telling me is life-changing.
00:25:40.609 --> 00:25:43.169
I kind of need some something life-changing right now.
00:25:43.409 --> 00:25:47.009
Um, and it's all about reclaiming your inner artist and healing your inner artist.
00:25:47.169 --> 00:25:48.769
So lots of self-compassion there.
00:25:48.929 --> 00:25:53.809
And she suggests writing this letter from your 80-year-old self to your current self.
00:25:53.969 --> 00:26:04.529
Um, and I did that in the I did that, I write about it, like my experience of the first time I did that in the book, and just it felt like reaching, like I didn't know how to be compassionate with myself in that moment.
00:26:04.609 --> 00:26:07.249
And I didn't know how like life felt so uncertain.
00:26:07.329 --> 00:26:10.769
And right now, even life feels uncertain sometimes, lots of times.
00:26:11.009 --> 00:26:23.809
And uh, but something so powerful about like reaching into the future and having and like kind of like holding hands with your older self and having them tell you, like, hey, like you're gonna do cool things, it's gonna work out.
00:26:24.049 --> 00:26:28.689
And um, and it's something that I I've continued to do at different points when I've needed it.
00:26:28.929 --> 00:26:31.729
Um, you know, different and different versions of that.
00:26:31.809 --> 00:26:33.169
And it's it's so cool.
00:26:33.329 --> 00:26:35.089
Definitely recommend, highly recommend yes.
00:26:35.329 --> 00:26:35.969
I love that.
00:26:36.209 --> 00:26:39.809
Um, I feel like there's like a country song called like you're gonna miss this.
00:26:39.969 --> 00:26:54.049
I don't, I don't really know it, but I feel like I've seen like Instagram reels that have parenting moments that are like someone completely melting down and like not wanting to get in their um car seat, you know, and it's like playing that song to be funny, you know.
00:26:54.289 --> 00:26:59.009
But um, I do feel like sometimes my husband and I will like laugh to each other and be like, We're gonna miss this.
00:26:59.089 --> 00:27:02.689
I'm like, oh my god, this is the most annoying thing that's happening, but like we're gonna miss this.
00:27:02.769 --> 00:27:04.769
But I I really think that we are gonna miss it.
00:27:04.929 --> 00:27:05.249
Yes.
00:27:05.409 --> 00:27:12.449
I mean, it'll probably take some time, like we'll be excited to not have to do all this work and then eventually we're gonna miss this.
00:27:12.689 --> 00:27:14.929
Oh, and and I actually had never made that connection.
00:27:15.009 --> 00:27:16.769
I I do that all the time as a parent.
00:27:16.929 --> 00:27:19.089
Like, it's like, yeah, I guess it's the mini version of the letter.
00:27:19.249 --> 00:27:26.929
I think in the hard moments, one day I will want to like time travel back to this moment, and I will look at it and think it's so sweet.
00:27:27.089 --> 00:27:29.169
Um, even though right now I want to pull my hair up.
00:27:29.329 --> 00:27:30.129
Like we're exhausted.
00:27:30.209 --> 00:27:32.449
It's like we're too tired, we can't even keep our eyes open, you know.
00:27:32.609 --> 00:27:33.729
But like there'll be our moment.
00:27:34.209 --> 00:27:36.529
Yeah, our future selves are gonna be like well rested, right?
00:27:36.929 --> 00:27:37.569
Yeah, yeah.
00:27:37.969 --> 00:27:41.169
We're gonna need like a solid break, and then we might start missing it.
00:27:41.329 --> 00:27:44.929
But I do think we can give ourselves grace with the fact that it's really hard right now.
00:27:45.089 --> 00:27:46.209
So definitely.
00:27:46.449 --> 00:27:46.929
I love that.
00:27:47.089 --> 00:27:48.529
Okay, this has been so much fun.
00:27:48.609 --> 00:27:55.089
Also, I was like, Oh, your 80-year-old self is gonna be like, You're gonna actually do so much cool stuff that you're gonna be on a podcast series called Cool People Doing Cool Stuff.
00:27:55.249 --> 00:27:55.329
Yes.
00:27:57.489 --> 00:27:58.049
So tell me.
00:27:58.289 --> 00:28:03.569
She told me, she told me she's like, I'm not gonna tell you, like when so when I wrote this letter, she's like, I'm not gonna tell you about all the cool things.
00:28:03.649 --> 00:28:07.729
I don't want to ruin it for you, but just know it's all worth it, it's all gonna turn out.
00:28:07.809 --> 00:28:10.449
And I was like, okay, thank you for the pep talk, 80-year-old self.
00:28:10.609 --> 00:28:12.529
You sound really cool, can't wait to meet you.
00:28:13.009 --> 00:28:14.929
And you're gonna meet Deanna Seymour, just kidding.
00:28:15.249 --> 00:28:16.289
Um, oh my gosh.
00:28:16.529 --> 00:28:20.049
So tell people where they can hang out with you, get the book, all the best.
00:28:20.529 --> 00:28:20.769
Yes.
00:28:20.849 --> 00:28:23.169
So my website is melissaparks.com.
00:28:23.329 --> 00:28:26.369
I'm on Instagram and Facebook and LinkedIn.
00:28:26.689 --> 00:28:27.969
Don't look for me on TikTok.
00:28:28.049 --> 00:28:28.689
I'm not on there.
00:28:28.769 --> 00:28:30.209
I've heard it's great, but yeah.
00:28:31.009 --> 00:28:32.529
I can only do so many things.
00:28:32.769 --> 00:28:36.209
Um, and you can find out everything about my book um on the website.
00:28:36.369 --> 00:28:47.169
Um, sign up for my mailing list there because that's where I'm sharing everything about like when pre-orders go live and just I'm sharing a lot behind the scenes about like writing the book, and um, I've gotten great feedback from people.
00:28:47.249 --> 00:28:51.009
Um, some people are telling me, like, hey, maybe I'm gonna write my own book too.
00:28:51.089 --> 00:28:51.809
So I love that.
00:28:51.889 --> 00:28:54.929
I hope that, yeah, to kind of like inspire other people too.
00:28:55.089 --> 00:28:57.489
Um yeah, so come connect with me there.
00:28:57.649 --> 00:28:59.249
And yeah, this was great.
00:28:59.329 --> 00:28:59.889
I loved this.
00:28:59.969 --> 00:29:03.009
I could, I could I can already tell I could talk to you for like another hour.
00:29:03.409 --> 00:29:06.609
No, I was like, it's gonna be like 15 or 20 minutes, like all of these are going way over.
00:29:06.769 --> 00:29:09.969
I feel like if we say 15 or 20 minutes, it'll be like 30 or 40.
00:29:10.049 --> 00:29:10.689
So that's fine.
00:29:10.849 --> 00:29:11.569
But this was awesome.
00:29:11.649 --> 00:29:13.489
All right, Melissa, we're gonna keep in touch.
00:29:13.729 --> 00:29:14.529
Thank you, Dean.
