WEBVTT
00:00:33.880 --> 00:00:37.480
Have you ever looked at someone and thought she has it all together?
00:00:38.039 --> 00:00:39.079
She's successful.
00:00:39.240 --> 00:00:40.280
She's confident.
00:00:40.520 --> 00:00:41.799
She's accomplished.
00:00:42.039 --> 00:00:45.079
She walks into a room like she belongs there.
00:00:45.320 --> 00:00:51.000
But what if underneath all of that she's quietly wondering, Am I really good enough?
00:00:51.320 --> 00:00:52.840
Do I belong here?
00:00:53.079 --> 00:00:56.760
What if everyone finds out I'm not who they think I am?
00:00:57.320 --> 00:00:59.640
Welcome back to Bent Not Broken.
00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:11.159
I'm Coach Deborah and today I want to continue a conversation we started in my recent episode with singer, songwriter, author, and educator Makan Taylor.
00:01:11.480 --> 00:01:21.719
Makan has performed with some of the biggest names in music, including Pink Floyd, Sting, Foreigner, Pat Benatar, and Aretha Franklin.
00:01:22.039 --> 00:01:29.879
Imagine standing on a stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people and still wondering if you're enough.
00:01:30.200 --> 00:01:33.079
That's exactly what Makan described.
00:01:33.240 --> 00:01:37.400
And it reminded me of something I think so many women need to hear.
00:01:37.719 --> 00:01:41.959
Success does not automatically heal your wounds.
00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:48.200
We sometimes think that if we can just accomplish enough, we'll finally feel worthy.
00:01:48.519 --> 00:02:01.879
Get that promotion, build the business, lose the weight, find the relationship, write the book, raise successful children, make more money, get the recognition.
00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:08.040
Then we'll finally be able to look in the mirror and say, okay, now I'm enough.
00:02:08.519 --> 00:02:10.840
But it doesn't always work that way.
00:02:11.159 --> 00:02:19.319
Because achievement can change your circumstances, but it doesn't necessarily change the story you've been telling yourself for decades.
00:02:19.800 --> 00:02:26.120
And sometimes that story began long before you were old enough to understand what was happening.
00:02:26.360 --> 00:02:30.199
Maybe you learned that you had to be perfect to receive praise.
00:02:30.439 --> 00:02:32.759
Maybe you learned to keep the peace.
00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:36.840
Maybe you grew up feeling different or like you didn't belong.
00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:45.480
Maybe someone repeatedly criticized you, controlled you, dismissed you, or made you question your wars.
00:02:45.959 --> 00:02:50.519
Or maybe you spent years in a marriage where you slowly disappeared.
00:02:50.759 --> 00:02:53.319
Those experiences can follow us.
00:02:53.560 --> 00:03:01.720
We can become incredibly accomplished and still carry the voice of that frightened little girl inside us asking, Am I enough yet?
00:03:02.040 --> 00:03:06.680
Something Makan said during our conversation really stayed with me.
00:03:06.920 --> 00:03:11.720
She's described performing as a way of hiding in plain sight.
00:03:11.959 --> 00:03:13.160
Think about that.
00:03:13.639 --> 00:03:18.519
You can be visible to hundreds and thousands of people and still feel unseen.
00:03:18.920 --> 00:03:23.560
And I think women do this in ways that have nothing to do with standing on the stage.
00:03:23.800 --> 00:03:25.800
We hide behind being busy.
00:03:26.040 --> 00:03:28.920
We hide behind taking care of everyone else.
00:03:29.160 --> 00:03:31.079
We hide behind our careers.
00:03:31.639 --> 00:03:33.800
We hide behind perfection.
00:03:34.199 --> 00:03:37.399
And we hide behind, I'm fine.
00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:44.199
Sometimes we become so good at functioning that we even don't recognize how much we're struggling.
00:03:44.519 --> 00:03:49.079
And that's why healing isn't just about getting your life back together.
00:03:49.319 --> 00:03:55.959
It's about asking, who am I underneath everything I've learned to do to survive?
00:03:56.279 --> 00:04:00.519
Makan also talked about something else that is incredibly important.
00:04:01.160 --> 00:04:02.120
Patterns.
00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:09.160
After growing up in a dysfunctional family, she eventually found herself in an abusive and controlling marriage.
00:04:09.480 --> 00:04:18.759
Looking back, she could recognize connections between what she experienced growing up and what she later accepted in an adult relationship.
00:04:19.079 --> 00:04:20.920
That awareness matters.
00:04:21.240 --> 00:04:26.199
Because sometimes we're not choosing what is healthy, we're choosing what is familiar.
00:04:26.439 --> 00:04:28.439
And there's a big difference.
00:04:28.680 --> 00:04:31.560
And this is where healing can become uncomfortable.
00:04:31.879 --> 00:04:37.240
Because at some point we have to stop asking only, why did this happen to me?
00:04:37.639 --> 00:04:42.360
And begin asking, What do I want to do with what I know now?
00:04:43.079 --> 00:04:48.199
Not because the behavior of someone who hurt us was our responsibility, it wasn't.
00:04:48.439 --> 00:04:52.120
But our healing and our future belonged to us.
00:04:52.519 --> 00:04:55.240
Makan eventually left that marriage.
00:04:55.479 --> 00:04:59.079
She described herself as broken and at rock bottom.
00:04:59.319 --> 00:05:05.639
She didn't know what would happen to her life, her career, or whether she would ever have another relationship.
00:05:05.879 --> 00:05:07.879
But that wasn't the end of her story.
00:05:08.120 --> 00:05:18.199
She rebuilt, she did the work, she began recognizing patterns, she found herself again, and she eventually found love again.
00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:22.439
And today she has been with her husband for nearly 30 years.
00:05:22.680 --> 00:05:25.399
That's why I love conversations like this.
00:05:25.639 --> 00:05:30.439
They remind us that the moment when everything falls apart may not be the end.
00:05:30.680 --> 00:05:35.479
Sometimes it's the moment we finally get the opportunity to build differently.
00:05:35.719 --> 00:05:38.519
So I want to give you something to think about this week.
00:05:38.759 --> 00:05:41.000
Ask yourself three questions.
00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:45.240
Where in my life am I still trying to prove that I'm enough?
00:05:45.719 --> 00:05:51.719
What old story about myself am I still caring that may no longer be true?
00:05:51.959 --> 00:05:58.120
And finally, if I truly believed I was already enough, what would I do differently?
00:05:58.360 --> 00:06:00.120
Would you set a boundary?
00:06:00.439 --> 00:06:02.439
Would you stop apologizing?
00:06:02.919 --> 00:06:05.159
Would you apply for the job?
00:06:05.800 --> 00:06:09.079
Would you leave something that is no longer healthy?
00:06:09.479 --> 00:06:11.159
Would you start the business?
00:06:11.399 --> 00:06:12.839
Would you write the book?
00:06:13.079 --> 00:06:14.199
Would you travel?
00:06:14.439 --> 00:06:16.919
Would you finally say yes to yourself?
00:06:17.159 --> 00:06:20.120
And don't worry about changing everything today.
00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:22.360
Just start by noticing.
00:06:22.680 --> 00:06:25.639
Awareness is often where we build and begin.
00:06:26.599 --> 00:06:30.199
There's one more reason I wanted to share Makan's story.
00:06:30.519 --> 00:06:32.439
She recently turned 70.
00:06:32.680 --> 00:06:35.319
She's not talking about winding down.
00:06:35.479 --> 00:06:37.719
She's talking about what's next.
00:06:38.039 --> 00:06:46.279
Speaking, creating, writing, possibly developing a screenplay, living, and I absolutely love that.
00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:56.279
Because somewhere along the way, women were handed this ridiculous idea that there's an expiration date on becoming who we want to be.
00:06:56.519 --> 00:06:57.560
There isn't.
00:06:57.800 --> 00:06:59.959
At 40, you can start again.
00:07:00.199 --> 00:07:02.919
At 50, you can reinvent yourself.
00:07:03.159 --> 00:07:07.399
At 60, you can discover something completely new.
00:07:07.639 --> 00:07:16.120
At 70 and beyond, you can still have dreams that scare you, excite you, and make you wonder what's possible.
00:07:16.439 --> 00:07:19.879
You don't have to become the woman you were before everything happened.
00:07:20.039 --> 00:07:21.560
Maybe that's not the goal.
00:07:21.719 --> 00:07:25.560
Maybe the goal is to become the woman you couldn't have imagined back then.
00:07:25.800 --> 00:07:29.959
So if you're listening today and thinking, I should be further along.
00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:34.680
I should have figured this out by now, it's too late for me.
00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:37.560
I want you to challenge that story.
00:07:37.879 --> 00:07:42.839
Your past can explain parts of you without defining the rest of your life.
00:07:43.159 --> 00:07:46.599
Your accomplishments don't determine your worth.
00:07:46.919 --> 00:07:50.519
Your relationship status doesn't determine your worth.
00:07:50.839 --> 00:07:53.639
Your age doesn't determine your worth.
00:07:53.879 --> 00:07:57.159
And you don't have to prove that you deserve a new beginning.
00:07:57.319 --> 00:08:01.079
You get to decide what happens in your next chapter.
00:08:01.319 --> 00:08:07.319
And if you haven't listened to my full conversation with McConn Taylor, go back and listen to the episode.
00:08:07.560 --> 00:08:22.599
We talk about childhood trauma, identity, emotional abuse, imposter syndrome, healing, self-worth, finding your voice, starting over, and why it is never too late to reinvent yourself.
00:08:22.839 --> 00:08:26.039
I'm Coach Deborah and this is Bent Not Broken.
00:08:26.519 --> 00:08:32.919
Remember, you may have been bent by what happened to you, but you get to decide what happens next.
00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:38.519
And until next time, keep moving forward and keep writing your next chapter.
00:00:33.880 --> 00:00:37.480
Have you ever looked at someone and thought she has it all together?
00:00:38.039 --> 00:00:39.079
She's successful.
00:00:39.240 --> 00:00:40.280
She's confident.
00:00:40.520 --> 00:00:41.799
She's accomplished.
00:00:42.039 --> 00:00:45.079
She walks into a room like she belongs there.
00:00:45.320 --> 00:00:51.000
But what if underneath all of that she's quietly wondering, Am I really good enough?
00:00:51.320 --> 00:00:52.840
Do I belong here?
00:00:53.079 --> 00:00:56.760
What if everyone finds out I'm not who they think I am?
00:00:57.320 --> 00:00:59.640
Welcome back to Bent Not Broken.
00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:11.159
I'm Coach Deborah and today I want to continue a conversation we started in my recent episode with singer, songwriter, author, and educator Makan Taylor.
00:01:11.480 --> 00:01:21.719
Makan has performed with some of the biggest names in music, including Pink Floyd, Sting, Foreigner, Pat Benatar, and Aretha Franklin.
00:01:22.039 --> 00:01:29.879
Imagine standing on a stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people and still wondering if you're enough.
00:01:30.200 --> 00:01:33.079
That's exactly what Makan described.
00:01:33.240 --> 00:01:37.400
And it reminded me of something I think so many women need to hear.
00:01:37.719 --> 00:01:41.959
Success does not automatically heal your wounds.
00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:48.200
We sometimes think that if we can just accomplish enough, we'll finally feel worthy.
00:01:48.519 --> 00:02:01.879
Get that promotion, build the business, lose the weight, find the relationship, write the book, raise successful children, make more money, get the recognition.
00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:08.040
Then we'll finally be able to look in the mirror and say, okay, now I'm enough.
00:02:08.519 --> 00:02:10.840
But it doesn't always work that way.
00:02:11.159 --> 00:02:19.319
Because achievement can change your circumstances, but it doesn't necessarily change the story you've been telling yourself for decades.
00:02:19.800 --> 00:02:26.120
And sometimes that story began long before you were old enough to understand what was happening.
00:02:26.360 --> 00:02:30.199
Maybe you learned that you had to be perfect to receive praise.
00:02:30.439 --> 00:02:32.759
Maybe you learned to keep the peace.
00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:36.840
Maybe you grew up feeling different or like you didn't belong.
00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:45.480
Maybe someone repeatedly criticized you, controlled you, dismissed you, or made you question your wars.
00:02:45.959 --> 00:02:50.519
Or maybe you spent years in a marriage where you slowly disappeared.
00:02:50.759 --> 00:02:53.319
Those experiences can follow us.
00:02:53.560 --> 00:03:01.720
We can become incredibly accomplished and still carry the voice of that frightened little girl inside us asking, Am I enough yet?
00:03:02.040 --> 00:03:06.680
Something Makan said during our conversation really stayed with me.
00:03:06.920 --> 00:03:11.720
She's described performing as a way of hiding in plain sight.
00:03:11.959 --> 00:03:13.160
Think about that.
00:03:13.639 --> 00:03:18.519
You can be visible to hundreds and thousands of people and still feel unseen.
00:03:18.920 --> 00:03:23.560
And I think women do this in ways that have nothing to do with standing on the stage.
00:03:23.800 --> 00:03:25.800
We hide behind being busy.
00:03:26.040 --> 00:03:28.920
We hide behind taking care of everyone else.
00:03:29.160 --> 00:03:31.079
We hide behind our careers.
00:03:31.639 --> 00:03:33.800
We hide behind perfection.
00:03:34.199 --> 00:03:37.399
And we hide behind, I'm fine.
00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:44.199
Sometimes we become so good at functioning that we even don't recognize how much we're struggling.
00:03:44.519 --> 00:03:49.079
And that's why healing isn't just about getting your life back together.
00:03:49.319 --> 00:03:55.959
It's about asking, who am I underneath everything I've learned to do to survive?
00:03:56.279 --> 00:04:00.519
Makan also talked about something else that is incredibly important.
00:04:01.160 --> 00:04:02.120
Patterns.
00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:09.160
After growing up in a dysfunctional family, she eventually found herself in an abusive and controlling marriage.
00:04:09.480 --> 00:04:18.759
Looking back, she could recognize connections between what she experienced growing up and what she later accepted in an adult relationship.
00:04:19.079 --> 00:04:20.920
That awareness matters.
00:04:21.240 --> 00:04:26.199
Because sometimes we're not choosing what is healthy, we're choosing what is familiar.
00:04:26.439 --> 00:04:28.439
And there's a big difference.
00:04:28.680 --> 00:04:31.560
And this is where healing can become uncomfortable.
00:04:31.879 --> 00:04:37.240
Because at some point we have to stop asking only, why did this happen to me?
00:04:37.639 --> 00:04:42.360
And begin asking, What do I want to do with what I know now?
00:04:43.079 --> 00:04:48.199
Not because the behavior of someone who hurt us was our responsibility, it wasn't.
00:04:48.439 --> 00:04:52.120
But our healing and our future belonged to us.
00:04:52.519 --> 00:04:55.240
Makan eventually left that marriage.
00:04:55.479 --> 00:04:59.079
She described herself as broken and at rock bottom.
00:04:59.319 --> 00:05:05.639
She didn't know what would happen to her life, her career, or whether she would ever have another relationship.
00:05:05.879 --> 00:05:07.879
But that wasn't the end of her story.
00:05:08.120 --> 00:05:18.199
She rebuilt, she did the work, she began recognizing patterns, she found herself again, and she eventually found love again.
00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:22.439
And today she has been with her husband for nearly 30 years.
00:05:22.680 --> 00:05:25.399
That's why I love conversations like this.
00:05:25.639 --> 00:05:30.439
They remind us that the moment when everything falls apart may not be the end.
00:05:30.680 --> 00:05:35.479
Sometimes it's the moment we finally get the opportunity to build differently.
00:05:35.719 --> 00:05:38.519
So I want to give you something to think about this week.
00:05:38.759 --> 00:05:41.000
Ask yourself three questions.
00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:45.240
Where in my life am I still trying to prove that I'm enough?
00:05:45.719 --> 00:05:51.719
What old story about myself am I still caring that may no longer be true?
00:05:51.959 --> 00:05:58.120
And finally, if I truly believed I was already enough, what would I do differently?
00:05:58.360 --> 00:06:00.120
Would you set a boundary?
00:06:00.439 --> 00:06:02.439
Would you stop apologizing?
00:06:02.919 --> 00:06:05.159
Would you apply for the job?
00:06:05.800 --> 00:06:09.079
Would you leave something that is no longer healthy?
00:06:09.479 --> 00:06:11.159
Would you start the business?
00:06:11.399 --> 00:06:12.839
Would you write the book?
00:06:13.079 --> 00:06:14.199
Would you travel?
00:06:14.439 --> 00:06:16.919
Would you finally say yes to yourself?
00:06:17.159 --> 00:06:20.120
And don't worry about changing everything today.
00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:22.360
Just start by noticing.
00:06:22.680 --> 00:06:25.639
Awareness is often where we build and begin.
00:06:26.599 --> 00:06:30.199
There's one more reason I wanted to share Makan's story.
00:06:30.519 --> 00:06:32.439
She recently turned 70.
00:06:32.680 --> 00:06:35.319
She's not talking about winding down.
00:06:35.479 --> 00:06:37.719
She's talking about what's next.
00:06:38.039 --> 00:06:46.279
Speaking, creating, writing, possibly developing a screenplay, living, and I absolutely love that.
00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:56.279
Because somewhere along the way, women were handed this ridiculous idea that there's an expiration date on becoming who we want to be.
00:06:56.519 --> 00:06:57.560
There isn't.
00:06:57.800 --> 00:06:59.959
At 40, you can start again.
00:07:00.199 --> 00:07:02.919
At 50, you can reinvent yourself.
00:07:03.159 --> 00:07:07.399
At 60, you can discover something completely new.
00:07:07.639 --> 00:07:16.120
At 70 and beyond, you can still have dreams that scare you, excite you, and make you wonder what's possible.
00:07:16.439 --> 00:07:19.879
You don't have to become the woman you were before everything happened.
00:07:20.039 --> 00:07:21.560
Maybe that's not the goal.
00:07:21.719 --> 00:07:25.560
Maybe the goal is to become the woman you couldn't have imagined back then.
00:07:25.800 --> 00:07:29.959
So if you're listening today and thinking, I should be further along.
00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:34.680
I should have figured this out by now, it's too late for me.
00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:37.560
I want you to challenge that story.
00:07:37.879 --> 00:07:42.839
Your past can explain parts of you without defining the rest of your life.
00:07:43.159 --> 00:07:46.599
Your accomplishments don't determine your worth.
00:07:46.919 --> 00:07:50.519
Your relationship status doesn't determine your worth.
00:07:50.839 --> 00:07:53.639
Your age doesn't determine your worth.
00:07:53.879 --> 00:07:57.159
And you don't have to prove that you deserve a new beginning.
00:07:57.319 --> 00:08:01.079
You get to decide what happens in your next chapter.
00:08:01.319 --> 00:08:07.319
And if you haven't listened to my full conversation with McConn Taylor, go back and listen to the episode.
00:08:07.560 --> 00:08:22.599
We talk about childhood trauma, identity, emotional abuse, imposter syndrome, healing, self-worth, finding your voice, starting over, and why it is never too late to reinvent yourself.
00:08:22.839 --> 00:08:26.039
I'm Coach Deborah and this is Bent Not Broken.
00:08:26.519 --> 00:08:32.919
Remember, you may have been bent by what happened to you, but you get to decide what happens next.
00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:38.519
And until next time, keep moving forward and keep writing your next chapter.
