368: Preparing for the Back-to-School Transition, with Penny Williams

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Part of this experience for nerudivergent kids is that environments
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that aren't made for them are a struggle. We can't
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completely take that away, but we can prepare for things
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to go as smoothly as possible. And I want to
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share those preparations with you. I want to share with
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you what I learned after a lot of trial and
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error that was really going to help.
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Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
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means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
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Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
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this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
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to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
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if you want more support, join our free community at
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hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
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Welcome back, everyone. I am so excited to have you
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here with me, all of you who are just wonderfully
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carrying adults in the lives of a neurodivergent kid. I
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want to talk to you about back to school. It's
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the end of July, and I know for me, at
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that point in the year, I was already bracing. I
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was already cringing because I knew school was coming, and
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school was so hard for my kid, so hard for
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me honestly as well, and so I was bracing. I
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was trying so hard mentally to stop time, to put
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it off because it was just so hard, and I
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wanted to protect my kid from those difficulties and really
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protect myself. But of course we can't stop time. I
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was unable to stop time. And eventually every year went
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by and my kid graduated, and now here we are
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as a young adult. And over the years, those thirteen
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years of school, doing it with my own kid, it
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taught me a few things the really hard way. I
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learned a lot of lessons the really hard way. But
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that means that you don't have to learn them the
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hard way to write. You don't have to keep trying
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things and them not work and struggle. Of course, I
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don't have all the answers. Part of this experience for
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neudivergent kids is that environments that aren't made for them
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are a struggle. We can't completely take that away, but
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we can prepare for things to go as smoothly as possible.
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And I want to share those preparations with you. I
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want to share with you what I learned after a
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lot of trial and error that was really going to help.
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I have five tips to share with you. All of
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them you can start today. You don't need any supplies,
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you don't need any preparation. They are sort of these
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really easy quick wins that you can go ahead and
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get started on for the impending school year, which is
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going to come no matter how much we might try
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to will it not to. The first tip that I
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want to talk to you about is mornings. I cannot
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tell you how many parents I have talked to in
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coaching calls who want help with mornings, and we struggled
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with mornings as well. There's a lot of executive function
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required in the morning, and a lot of our nerdive,
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vergent kids struggle with executive functioning. So right there, there's
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already a likely gap between skill and what's required to
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be able to manage themselves in the morning on their own.
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But we can do things that mitigate that negative impact
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of executive function deficits, things like visual routine charts. I've
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talked about the visual routine card that I had for
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my own kid for mornings many times before, but it
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really changed everything, and it was the one and only
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list or chart or checklist that had any positive influence
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and impact. So I want you to not try necessarily
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to systemize the whole morning at once, but pick the
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single hardest transition in the mornings. What is it? Is
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it coming from bed and waking up and getting up?
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Is it going from eating breakfast which is pretty low demand,
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to then having to put on clothes and get hygiene
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and get your things prepared. Is it the transition out
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the door and onto the school bus or into the car?
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What is the thing that is the most difficult piece
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of your mornings right now? And anchor on just that one?
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Think about what can you do to help whatever is
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getting in the way in that particular piece of the morning.
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We have to start small. We have to get whins
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where we can get them so that we feel confident
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to keep going so our kid feels confident to keep
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using the tools that we might be trying to provide
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to them, because their buy in is the ultimate key.
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Right If you have a kid that either that system
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or tool doesn't work for them or they are not
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interested in using it, then there is no chance of
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success there. So pick one piece of the morning to
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focus on write down maybe three to five things that
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you think are getting in the way in that moment,
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and then take it one step further and think about
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what could you try that's different, because if it's not working,
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then you have to do something different right. Bedtime is
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probably the second most thing that parents talk to me
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about as a parent coach. Bedtime is really difficult for
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a lot of reasons, one of which is that going
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to sleep and staying asleep is often difficult for neurodivergent kids,
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and many of them are night owls, so asking them
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to go to bed at a reasonable time is very
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difficult because their body just doesn't function on that timeline. Also,
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some kids have anxiety about going to sleep. They have
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anxiety about being left alone in the room, but they
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also have anxiety about being unconscious and what might happen
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during that time. And then often they don't want to
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stop doing fun things to go to sleep. Getting in
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bed to go to sleep is boring. Why would you
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want to do that right? Unless you are super tired
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or you can really see the value and getting to
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sleep or getting to bed earlier, you're going to have
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a hard time doing it right. And so we want
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to start shifting that bedtime routine now for the start
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of school. Don't wait until the night before the first
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day to start implementing an earlier sleep schedule. Now, if
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you've kept the same sleep schedule all summer long, then
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you're pretty golden in that aspect. What are other ways
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that you might help to change the struggle with bedtime?
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Sometimes there's a lot of executive function that goes into
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bedtime too. We have to change our clothes. That means
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finding our pajamas. That means putting our dirty clothes where
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they're supposed to live. That could mean a length of
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hygiene requirements, brushing teeth, washing face, maybe brushing hair, you know,
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taking a shower, take a bath. There's lots of things
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that sometimes we ask our kids to do at bedtime
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that will require some executive functioning. So if they are
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struggling with the executive functioning, what can you do to
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try to help with that? Again, think about one spot
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right now, just one It is a real hurdle, and
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brainstorm a few things that might be getting in the way,
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and then a few things you can do to mitigate
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those hurdles. The body doesn't just reset on commands, so
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It's really important if you're timing for summer and sleep
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is different than your timeline for sleep during the school year,
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that you build in a gradual window to shift and
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adjust for that gradual is always going to work better
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than a cold turkey sudden change. It just is. There
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are also things that can help kids who struggle with
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sleep by logically, like melatonin, sleepy time, tea, weighted blankets,
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things like that could be really good tools to help
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you during that time as well. Number three is homework.
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Another one of the things that I hear parents seeking
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help for a lot, but also homework was a huge
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struggle for us because this kid was fighting all day
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to keep it together to try to meet expectations. He
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had no capacity when he got home for anything school related.
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And also he has dysgraphia, and so he'd been asked
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to write all day long. The last thing that he
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wanted to do was write some more. It was so
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taxing for him. So let's look at what can be
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getting in the way of getting homework completed successfully. If
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it is a a daily struggle, we need to first
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ask is it motivation or is it a volume or
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format problem. Most of the time it's not going to
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be a motivation issue. It's really going to be an
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availability to learn issue. Do I have the capacity? Do
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I feel like I have enough support or accommodation to
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be able to do this? That reframe alone is going
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to change how you respond when you're struggling with homework.
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But understand that when a child is not doing homework,
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they're avoiding, they're refusing. Those are signals of a need.
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Those are signals of a problem. What is getting in
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the way Because kids really do want to please us,
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They want to do the things that are expected of them.
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If you're finding that that's not the case, then there's
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something getting in the way. But I want you to
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reframe it and think about the fact that it's actually
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a can't and not a won't. It's a can't and
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not a won't. Okay, Just that piece alone is going
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to make things so much more insightful for you, Like
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it's going to open your mind in a way that's
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going to help to guide you toward figuring out what
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that problem, that hurdle actually is. Sometimes it's about getting
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reduced homework accommodation because a lot of our kids have
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slow processing speed and they should not be punched for that.
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So if the teacher for your child expects that they're
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doing thirty minutes a night on homework and yet your
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kid is taking them two hours, that's not okay. They
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need reduced assignments. They should only be required to do
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thirty minutes as well, not to do the whole assignment
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until it's done, no matter how long it takes. Getting
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creative leaning into what is your kids learning style? Are
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they kinesthetic? Do they need movement, do they need texture?
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Do they need more audio? Do they need more visual?
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How can you adjust homework so that it leans into
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that and works for them. The fourth tip that I
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have for you is around school calls and school meetings
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because they are in evitability for most of our nerdiversion kids.
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Some nerdiversient kids are so fearful of getting in trouble
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that they're able to somehow hold it together. But that's
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not what we want for our kids. We don't want
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their behavior to be governed by fear that is going
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to harm them. So we want them to be able
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to feel safe in the environment so that they can
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be regulated so that we don't have challenging behavior. But
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it can be a process to get there, especially if
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you have a kid with a really sensitive nervous system,
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or who is very easily disregulated, or maybe they kind
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of live on the fringe of dysregulation and they're very vigilant.
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Their nervous system is just right on the edge, hyper
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vigilant all the time. That kind of thing leads to
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not meeting expectations at school, which can then lead to
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those calls in those school meetings. Right, so, I want
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you to first decide about your non negotiables in a steady,
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stable moment. Don't do it when you've had that first
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call from school this coming year, or right before you're
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going to have your first meeting. That's not the time. Now,
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and when you're feeling pretty safe and comfortable yourself is
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when you decide what your non negotiables are for your kid.
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It's a non negotiable that they don't get suspended for
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behavior or punished for behavior. Is a non negotiable that
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they don't get separated from their peers. Is a non
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negotiable that they don't have to do longer homework than
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their peers. You know what is it for you that
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is a hardline in the sand. You need to determine
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that before you're involved in any conversation. Deciding under pressure
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is a mistake. The disagreement may not be a mistake,
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but getting really reactive and speaking in that reactive space
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is likely going to be a mistake. I can tell
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you from experience. There are many times where I said
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things in a way because I was dysregulated, because I
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was having a hard time that I wish I had
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been able to say differently, or wish I could have
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a do over on right. But knowing what your non
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negotiables are helps you going into calls or meetings. But
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I don't want you to be like a robot or
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a soldier or super inflexible because you have some non negotiables.
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It's not okay, Well, these are the things that I
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must have or my kid must have, and that's what
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you need to know. And I'm not bending right. We
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have to go into it collaboratively. But knowing where your
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boundaries are is important. It will help you in those
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conversations and it will help you with your advocacy. And
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then the fifth and final piece for back to school
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is overwhelm. I want to help you with overwhelm, and
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I know I can't erase it completely. But when we
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are able to get sort of clear about what we
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need to do, so not being anxious before we have
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things to be anxious about right and really timing things
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so that works for our own nervous system, then things
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go more smoothly. You don't need a whole bunch of
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new systems for the school year. You just need a
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few things in place that are going to help make
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that transition smoother for now. That's just what you need
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to focus on. So one thing you could do right
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now is to pick one spot in your house and
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that is now the school infozone. Everything school information related
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should be compiled in that spot for you and for
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your kids, for everyone in the house. This is the
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school infozone. This is a spot. It could be a basket.
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It could be a bin. It could be you know,
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a taped rectangle on top of a bookshelf with a
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piece of paper there that says school infozone. It could
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be a basket that hangs on the wall. It could
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be a magnet on the fridge, a certain magnet that
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holds all your school info. That might get heavy and
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become a problem, but it's an idea. So what's going
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to work for you and your family. Where can you
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establish that this is the point where all the school
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info goos. This is the point where you put your
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papers that you need me to see your process. This
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is where I put the papers that you need to
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take back to school or you need to do something
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with for school. Right, then be open to figuring out
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the rest of that as you move through the timeline.
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This is just one thing for one day tomorrow or
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the day after. You might think about, Okay, where is
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the drop zone our command center going to be? For us?
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It was a backpack and a shoe cubby like a
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hook behind the door, and a shoe cubby or a
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shoe closet, And every time we came in or out
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of the house, that stuff always went there first. That way,
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we weren't looking for a matching shoe for twenty minutes
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and late for school the next morning. Right, So be
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thinking about other things. But I don't want you to
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overwhelm yourself. I want you to take at one step
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at a time, because here's the thing. Doing this well
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for your specific kid usually takes more than I can
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give you in one short podcast. And I would even
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say it always takes more because we have complex kids, right,
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So we need to look at a lot of different
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things and consider a lot of different things, and there's
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so many different moving parts. But you can only do
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what you can do in the moment. So I want
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you to really break it down, and I want you
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to be thinking about it now until school starts. Don't
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wait until the week before or the day before, because
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then it is going to be a mad scramble and
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it will be overwhelming. If any of that made a
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lot of sense to you, if any of that sounded like, Ooh,
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this might work, or oh that was the permission I
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needed to slow down and take it one step at
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a time. That's exactly what the back to school prep
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week is, except I'm not just going to tell you
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my tips and my ideas. We're actually going to sit
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together on Zoom and build the actual things, live together
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in a group customize tailored to your individual kid. So
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we're going to design your kid's routine cards, your kid's
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morning routine, bedtime routine, how that might look. What tools
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might you use to overcome executive function struggles. We're going
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to build your scripts for actual school meetings, IP meetings,
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five oh four meetings. We're going to work together to
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create a safety plan for your kid. What would it
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take at school to help your kid feel safe, to
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create an environment with queues of safety that their nervous
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system needs. What would that look like at home? Let's
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build it out for your specific kid. We have fourteen
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different workshops and I believe it is ten or eleven
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of them that is live. Eleven of them are live
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together each day from noon to two pm. We tackle
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two of them and we tackle it together, so we're
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doing this in real time together. And everything that's part
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of back to school prep week is all of the
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stuff that I wish that I had had at the
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beginning that I ended up learning the hard way. I
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don't want you to learn it the hard way. I
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don't want you to have a bunch of trial and error.
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There's going to be some of that because you have
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to customize this for your kid, But I can help
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you to prepare for a lot of what is to
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come in a way that's going to make the transition
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back to school smooth and also your school year smoother.
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And that's what I want for you. I really want
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for you to be able to have a breath, Take
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a breath, not freak out, not be overwhelmed, not have
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so much dread. I want that to be a different
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experience for you than it was for me in the
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early years. Many of our parents who came to Back
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to School Prep Week in twenty twenty five and twenty
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twenty four said that it was so helpful that it
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was a relief, that they felt truly prepared, that they
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felt at ease more than they had before that. So
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it really can make a big difference for you and
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of course for your kid as well. So dates for
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Back to School Prep Week or August third through the seventh,
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twenty twenty six live. We have two different topics that
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we go through in a two hour time block each day.
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There is a twenty minute break in the middle so
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that we can get what our nervous systems need. We
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can have a break, we can breathe, we can get
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some food, some water, we can walk around. Right. Well,
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we'll have a break there, but we'll put two topics
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together to make it easier for you to fit into
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your schedule. So registration if you are interested PARENTINGADHD and
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autism dot com slash prep slash pr EP. That's it.
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All the information is there. We start Monday, August third.
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I would love to see you there, but even if
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I don't, go through the steps and the tips that
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I've outlined here in this podcast episode, so you can
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start to do some of your own prep to make
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back to school transition a little bit easier for you
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and your family. Take good care, guys, I'll see you
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next time.
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I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
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you don't have to do it alone. If you found
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this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
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and leave a quick review so others can find this
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support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
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Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
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to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
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more info at regulated kids dot com