WEBVTT
00:00:31.780 --> 00:00:32.020
Right.
00:00:32.100 --> 00:00:33.219
How do you end a relationship?
00:00:33.299 --> 00:00:34.820
How do you break up with a girlfriend?
00:00:34.980 --> 00:00:49.859
One of the things that makes me the most mad nowadays is when I hear from young women, uh, older girls who've been dating, and then I hear that they get ghosted or got left on red and haven't heard from him in a few weeks.
00:00:50.019 --> 00:00:51.539
I guess this means it's over.
00:00:51.780 --> 00:00:57.060
And there's a sense of non-closure or a sense of, I thought that went great.
00:00:57.219 --> 00:00:58.579
I don't know what went wrong.
00:00:58.820 --> 00:01:06.099
And it angers me because of the cowardice and the passivity that I see in guys who avoid or who just ghost someone.
00:01:06.180 --> 00:01:07.780
And I think it's pathetic and lame.
00:01:07.859 --> 00:01:33.620
And I think not only is it harmful to the girls that they're dating, but it also is shortchanging the guy's development and capacity for conflict going forward because breaking up with a girlfriend is basically the same skills and tactics it takes to have hard conversations, period, which you're going to be having the rest of your life with your friends, with your colleagues, with your parents, with your kids, with uh your neighbors.
00:01:33.780 --> 00:01:38.500
The ability to have difficult conversations well is an important skill that needs to be developed.
00:01:38.580 --> 00:01:41.460
And if you avoid developing it, you'll never develop it.
00:01:41.620 --> 00:01:47.780
And so when it comes to breaking up with a girlfriend or ending a relationship, here's a few things that I want you to think about.
00:01:47.939 --> 00:01:52.340
Uh, number one is you need to consider what it means to be kind.
00:01:52.659 --> 00:02:04.580
Now, that does not mean you don't say things that aren't difficult for the other person to hear, but you want to have empathy or sympathy for what it would be like to hear those things.
00:02:04.740 --> 00:02:09.139
And so I am not attracted to you, would be very hard to hear.
00:02:09.300 --> 00:02:16.900
And so, but if you are in touch with the pain that what your words will say will create, that will change your delivery of those words.
00:02:17.060 --> 00:02:19.060
Um, I just don't feel like we've connected well.
00:02:19.139 --> 00:02:20.259
It's felt clunky.
00:02:20.340 --> 00:02:21.620
We're on different pages.
00:02:21.780 --> 00:02:24.180
Being broken up with is a painful experience.
00:02:24.340 --> 00:02:28.099
And so you having sympathy for what it'd feel like to be on the receiving end is key.
00:02:28.259 --> 00:02:33.620
I think some guys have so much sympathy for that that they can't avoid looking someone in the eye.
00:02:33.699 --> 00:02:34.819
And so they just avoid it.
00:02:34.900 --> 00:02:44.500
And so if you've spent a meaningful amount of time with a person in person, I'm not saying if you go on one date, you have to meet up with them on a second date to break up with them to not go on a third date.
00:02:44.579 --> 00:02:45.459
That's not really a breakup.
00:02:45.539 --> 00:02:47.379
That's just not having a second date.
00:02:47.539 --> 00:03:04.819
But if you've been a couple or an item or you've been exclusively interacting for some time, talking, whatever you want to call it, if you've hung out with someone more than a few times in person, you, I think, owe them looking them in the eye and saying, I think this isn't going anywhere.
00:03:04.979 --> 00:03:06.180
I want to tell you why.
00:03:06.340 --> 00:03:07.699
I'm sorry for how painful this is.
00:03:07.859 --> 00:03:10.099
I've appreciated the time we've gotten so far.
00:03:10.340 --> 00:03:31.139
And so here's what I mean by that is what happens to your nervous system, what happens to your heart, what happens to your mind when you look someone in the eye and tell them a hard thing, and that you feel with them and you recognize the big emotions that might create in them, you actually are growing as a man in that moment when you are delivering the hard news in person.
00:03:31.299 --> 00:03:36.019
I think you should never break up with someone over text, you should never break up with someone in an email.
00:03:36.180 --> 00:03:42.579
I think whenever possible, you should ask yourself, what would be the most painful way for me to deliver this news?
00:03:42.819 --> 00:03:44.739
I'm going to choose that way.
00:03:44.900 --> 00:03:46.019
I'm going to get in front of them.
00:03:46.099 --> 00:03:46.739
I'm going to sit down.
00:03:46.819 --> 00:03:47.939
I'm going to look them in the eye.
00:03:48.019 --> 00:03:49.219
I'm going to tell them the truth.
00:03:49.379 --> 00:03:53.060
And that's for my growth and for their honor and respect.
00:03:53.539 --> 00:03:57.780
That uh for their sake, I need to say, hey, I misjudged this.
00:03:57.859 --> 00:03:58.900
Hey, I was wrong.
00:03:59.060 --> 00:04:00.500
Hey, I shouldn't have done this.
00:04:00.739 --> 00:04:04.180
Hey, in this process, I know I've been unclear.
00:04:04.340 --> 00:04:10.019
And so you want to give clarity about why, and then give clarity about what.
00:04:10.180 --> 00:04:15.939
The worst thing that could happen is you kind of have this long, meandering, painful conversation, and she walks away and goes, Did we just break up?
00:04:16.019 --> 00:04:16.579
I'm not sure.
00:04:16.740 --> 00:04:18.819
And so maybe you need to have some notes on your phone.
00:04:18.900 --> 00:04:19.939
You may need to read them.
00:04:20.100 --> 00:04:24.100
You may need to write a letter and then some version of read that letter.
00:04:24.180 --> 00:04:32.579
Uh, but whatever you need to do to honor the other person, you as a man, the stronger vessel, you need to be thinking about chivalry in these moments.
00:04:32.740 --> 00:04:38.180
What is honoring that woman who is God's daughter look like in this moment?
00:04:38.340 --> 00:05:00.019
That when you think about it through that lens, that the Father in heaven will judge me for how I'm honoring this woman in this moment by telling her the truth, by being kind, by being loving, but at the same time being clear, that is what I want the operating uh question to be like is that woman is God's daughter, and I need to honor her accordingly in how I go about this.
00:05:00.180 --> 00:05:04.420
And so ghosting is unacceptable, passive aggressive text is unacceptable.
00:05:04.579 --> 00:05:09.540
Trying to get her to break up with you by being annoying and terrible is not an option.
00:05:09.699 --> 00:05:13.699
That you want to be honorable and clear and kind in ending this thing.
00:05:13.860 --> 00:05:21.459
And that similarly applies to business relationships or friendships where you're going, hey, I need to spend less time with you because I need to spend it over here.
00:05:21.620 --> 00:05:28.740
That the more you can be upfront and direct and clear, at the same time, having sympathy and kindness in that decision is going to be key.
00:05:28.899 --> 00:05:32.819
Now, if you're bad at this, then the only way to get better at it is to practice it.
00:05:32.980 --> 00:05:38.659
And my encouragement to you is if you avoid doing hard conversations now, you'll be bad at them the rest of your life.
00:05:38.980 --> 00:05:45.540
Anyone who's good at hard conversations has experienced a lot of pain by getting good at them slowly and bit by bit over time.
00:05:45.699 --> 00:05:54.019
So lean in, don't lean out, treat others with honor and have the hard conversations and be clear when things need to end or go a different direction.
00:00:31.780 --> 00:00:32.020
Right.
00:00:32.100 --> 00:00:33.219
How do you end a relationship?
00:00:33.299 --> 00:00:34.820
How do you break up with a girlfriend?
00:00:34.980 --> 00:00:49.859
One of the things that makes me the most mad nowadays is when I hear from young women, uh, older girls who've been dating, and then I hear that they get ghosted or got left on red and haven't heard from him in a few weeks.
00:00:50.019 --> 00:00:51.539
I guess this means it's over.
00:00:51.780 --> 00:00:57.060
And there's a sense of non-closure or a sense of, I thought that went great.
00:00:57.219 --> 00:00:58.579
I don't know what went wrong.
00:00:58.820 --> 00:01:06.099
And it angers me because of the cowardice and the passivity that I see in guys who avoid or who just ghost someone.
00:01:06.180 --> 00:01:07.780
And I think it's pathetic and lame.
00:01:07.859 --> 00:01:33.620
And I think not only is it harmful to the girls that they're dating, but it also is shortchanging the guy's development and capacity for conflict going forward because breaking up with a girlfriend is basically the same skills and tactics it takes to have hard conversations, period, which you're going to be having the rest of your life with your friends, with your colleagues, with your parents, with your kids, with uh your neighbors.
00:01:33.780 --> 00:01:38.500
The ability to have difficult conversations well is an important skill that needs to be developed.
00:01:38.580 --> 00:01:41.460
And if you avoid developing it, you'll never develop it.
00:01:41.620 --> 00:01:47.780
And so when it comes to breaking up with a girlfriend or ending a relationship, here's a few things that I want you to think about.
00:01:47.939 --> 00:01:52.340
Uh, number one is you need to consider what it means to be kind.
00:01:52.659 --> 00:02:04.580
Now, that does not mean you don't say things that aren't difficult for the other person to hear, but you want to have empathy or sympathy for what it would be like to hear those things.
00:02:04.740 --> 00:02:09.139
And so I am not attracted to you, would be very hard to hear.
00:02:09.300 --> 00:02:16.900
And so, but if you are in touch with the pain that what your words will say will create, that will change your delivery of those words.
00:02:17.060 --> 00:02:19.060
Um, I just don't feel like we've connected well.
00:02:19.139 --> 00:02:20.259
It's felt clunky.
00:02:20.340 --> 00:02:21.620
We're on different pages.
00:02:21.780 --> 00:02:24.180
Being broken up with is a painful experience.
00:02:24.340 --> 00:02:28.099
And so you having sympathy for what it'd feel like to be on the receiving end is key.
00:02:28.259 --> 00:02:33.620
I think some guys have so much sympathy for that that they can't avoid looking someone in the eye.
00:02:33.699 --> 00:02:34.819
And so they just avoid it.
00:02:34.900 --> 00:02:44.500
And so if you've spent a meaningful amount of time with a person in person, I'm not saying if you go on one date, you have to meet up with them on a second date to break up with them to not go on a third date.
00:02:44.579 --> 00:02:45.459
That's not really a breakup.
00:02:45.539 --> 00:02:47.379
That's just not having a second date.
00:02:47.539 --> 00:03:04.819
But if you've been a couple or an item or you've been exclusively interacting for some time, talking, whatever you want to call it, if you've hung out with someone more than a few times in person, you, I think, owe them looking them in the eye and saying, I think this isn't going anywhere.
00:03:04.979 --> 00:03:06.180
I want to tell you why.
00:03:06.340 --> 00:03:07.699
I'm sorry for how painful this is.
00:03:07.859 --> 00:03:10.099
I've appreciated the time we've gotten so far.
00:03:10.340 --> 00:03:31.139
And so here's what I mean by that is what happens to your nervous system, what happens to your heart, what happens to your mind when you look someone in the eye and tell them a hard thing, and that you feel with them and you recognize the big emotions that might create in them, you actually are growing as a man in that moment when you are delivering the hard news in person.
00:03:31.299 --> 00:03:36.019
I think you should never break up with someone over text, you should never break up with someone in an email.
00:03:36.180 --> 00:03:42.579
I think whenever possible, you should ask yourself, what would be the most painful way for me to deliver this news?
00:03:42.819 --> 00:03:44.739
I'm going to choose that way.
00:03:44.900 --> 00:03:46.019
I'm going to get in front of them.
00:03:46.099 --> 00:03:46.739
I'm going to sit down.
00:03:46.819 --> 00:03:47.939
I'm going to look them in the eye.
00:03:48.019 --> 00:03:49.219
I'm going to tell them the truth.
00:03:49.379 --> 00:03:53.060
And that's for my growth and for their honor and respect.
00:03:53.539 --> 00:03:57.780
That uh for their sake, I need to say, hey, I misjudged this.
00:03:57.859 --> 00:03:58.900
Hey, I was wrong.
00:03:59.060 --> 00:04:00.500
Hey, I shouldn't have done this.
00:04:00.739 --> 00:04:04.180
Hey, in this process, I know I've been unclear.
00:04:04.340 --> 00:04:10.019
And so you want to give clarity about why, and then give clarity about what.
00:04:10.180 --> 00:04:15.939
The worst thing that could happen is you kind of have this long, meandering, painful conversation, and she walks away and goes, Did we just break up?
00:04:16.019 --> 00:04:16.579
I'm not sure.
00:04:16.740 --> 00:04:18.819
And so maybe you need to have some notes on your phone.
00:04:18.900 --> 00:04:19.939
You may need to read them.
00:04:20.100 --> 00:04:24.100
You may need to write a letter and then some version of read that letter.
00:04:24.180 --> 00:04:32.579
Uh, but whatever you need to do to honor the other person, you as a man, the stronger vessel, you need to be thinking about chivalry in these moments.
00:04:32.740 --> 00:04:38.180
What is honoring that woman who is God's daughter look like in this moment?
00:04:38.340 --> 00:05:00.019
That when you think about it through that lens, that the Father in heaven will judge me for how I'm honoring this woman in this moment by telling her the truth, by being kind, by being loving, but at the same time being clear, that is what I want the operating uh question to be like is that woman is God's daughter, and I need to honor her accordingly in how I go about this.
00:05:00.180 --> 00:05:04.420
And so ghosting is unacceptable, passive aggressive text is unacceptable.
00:05:04.579 --> 00:05:09.540
Trying to get her to break up with you by being annoying and terrible is not an option.
00:05:09.699 --> 00:05:13.699
That you want to be honorable and clear and kind in ending this thing.
00:05:13.860 --> 00:05:21.459
And that similarly applies to business relationships or friendships where you're going, hey, I need to spend less time with you because I need to spend it over here.
00:05:21.620 --> 00:05:28.740
That the more you can be upfront and direct and clear, at the same time, having sympathy and kindness in that decision is going to be key.
00:05:28.899 --> 00:05:32.819
Now, if you're bad at this, then the only way to get better at it is to practice it.
00:05:32.980 --> 00:05:38.659
And my encouragement to you is if you avoid doing hard conversations now, you'll be bad at them the rest of your life.
00:05:38.980 --> 00:05:45.540
Anyone who's good at hard conversations has experienced a lot of pain by getting good at them slowly and bit by bit over time.
00:05:45.699 --> 00:05:54.019
So lean in, don't lean out, treat others with honor and have the hard conversations and be clear when things need to end or go a different direction.
