Greg Fitzsimmons: Adam’s Rock Bottom & The Last Time Greg Saw Norm Macdonald

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In this episode, Fitz Dog, Greg Fitzsimmons joins us. And
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news with Alicia Krause as well, right after this. BetOnline, hey,
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From Corolla One Studios in Glendale, California, this is The
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Adam Corolla Show. Adam's guest today, Greg Fitzsimmons. Plus the
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news with Alicia Krause.
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And now, Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to
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get it on. That's a choice we're going to mandate.
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You get it on. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks for
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telling the frame. We love that about you. Fitz Dogg
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in studio. FitzDog's got dates. He's a very skilled veteran comedian.
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So if you want to see how it's done, you
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go watch him in Fairbanks, Alaska. Oh, that's cool. That's
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coming up end of this month, end of October.
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End of this week.
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I should say, this week and this month. Also, Illinois, Toronto.
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If you go to FitzDog.com, you can find all the dates. Yeah,
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don't do what I did in Alaska, which is announce
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to the partisan crowd that I'd been living off fresh-caught
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salmon for the last week out here, and it tastes
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exactly the same as the frozen stuff at Trader Joe's.
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That was a big bozo no-no. That was a mistake. Yeah,
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they really— Yeah, I turned that crowd. I turned them
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on me quick.
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They gave me salmon every fucking day, and then they
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sent me on the road— with the smoked salmon in packages.
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So many, I could not, I left some in the
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hotel room. I hope they're not listening, but it was
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like pounds and pounds of salmon.
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Yeah.
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They're crazy.
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It's like your Kodiak bear or something. Like, what if
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you didn't like salmon? You know, and actually kind of,
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it was funny. It's funny because you and I are
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comedians and we say shit all the time and oftentimes don't,
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realize how it's affecting other people who don't have the
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same sense of humor. And I realized like, and also
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I realized I'm really straight when I say stuff. Like
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when I said to the couple, me and my wife
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took out the dinner 15 years ago, look, this is
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about your engagement. We're here to celebrate you. Order whatever
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you want. I'm paying, but anything extra goes home with me.
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I realized when I got to my fridge the next
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day and I had an extra pork chop in it,
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they believed me. You know what I'm saying? And I
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was two things. I was sitting in this room right
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behind me.
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Yeah.
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And like it was over the weekend or something. And Ed,
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God bless him, but he's not a comedian.
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He works.
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He does AV stuff. He came in. He goes, guess
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whose house I'm going to wire for speakers.
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And I go, who?
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And he goes, Steve Martin. I go, who's that? He goes,
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Steve Martin. I go, I don't know that name. You
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don't know who Steve Martin is? I'm sure there's a
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ton of guys named Steve Martin. Steve Martin. I don't
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know who that is. She seemed like, yeah, I don't know,
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the jerk or something? I don't, you don't have to
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get rude. I don't know what that is. I don't
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know who the guy is. And he pulls out a picture,
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and he goes, Steve Martin. And I go, I don't know.
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I don't think I've seen this guy before. And he's like,
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you don't know who Steve Martin is? I go, no,
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I don't know who Steve Martin is. And it went
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on for like 10 minutes. And I realized I was
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just so straight that he just walked away going, this
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guy does comedy. 30 years in this town, doesn't know
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fucking Steve Martin.
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The best is once he got him on the hook,
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knowing that, oh, this is going to be a good
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long fight. I'm not giving in.
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I made fun of him in front of the other
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guys watching football the other day, and he stands by it.
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And I'm like, listen. it's not clinically possible for me
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not to know who Steve Martin is considering my age,
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where I live and the business I'm in.
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Yeah.
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It's, it's physically impossible.
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Right.
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Right.
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But anyway, so, and yet a lot of people don't
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know me still.
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Fitz dog.
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Fitz dog.
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No, everyone knows Fitz dog. Everyone knows comedy. So I went,
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I was in Alaska eating salmon for one week and
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I literally came home on a Sunday and, in a
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hurry just to make Mark Geragos' daughter Tenny's wedding that
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was in their backyard, which is rich man, poor man,
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by the way, because my sister got married in my
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grandparents' backyard, but that's poor man.
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That's when you've got to limit the size of the
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wedding party.
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Rich man is Geragos' backyard.
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You can have a best man, you can have a
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maid of honor, and three other people.
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I said to Geragos' wife, I go... what are we
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doing for eating? And she goes, we got a beautiful salmon, whatever.
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And I went, I've been eating salmon for 10 straight days.
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And the look on her face was like, oh, I
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ruined the wedding for her. Like she was affected by it.
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She felt bad. She felt, God bless her, but she
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felt bad.
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Well, you remember, I told the story to you last
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time I went, probably a year ago. And I was
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up there and I said, I want to do something
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fun during the day. And so they... They had a
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guy take me out on an adventure.
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The cop bus story.
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Got pulled over by a cop.
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Yeah.
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Planted drugs on me. And so I don't know what
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happens now because I told that story on this show
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and it got back to them.
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Uh-huh. And some people were- Now they feel like they
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got to cook something up.
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For this time?
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Now they got to top themselves. But I'm aware. I'm
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looking for it now.
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Head on a swivel.
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Yeah.
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Yeah. I don't know. In the practical joke annals- I mean,
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you got to go to Jimmy Kimmel, and the thing
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about a practical joke is, you know, it's one thing
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to go, hey, Adam, I talked to Melania Trump, and
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she wants to leave Donald Trump and marry you. I
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just go, yeah, okay, that's not going to happen. But,
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I mean, I'm not buying into the premise of your
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practical joke, but the best practical jokes are, are the
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ones where the table's already set a little bit. Like
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the greatest joke he ever, Jimmy did to me is
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Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks being in love with me.
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But Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks did invite me
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to the Grammys to be her date.
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Yeah.
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So once that table was set, then Jimmy could take over.
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Right.
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But I wouldn't have bought it if it was in
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a vacuum. I needed that. And Jimmy's, One of his
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best practical jokes on someone else is when, and I've
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told this, I'll be fast, but he and I were
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just sitting at Carney's Hot Dogs a million years ago,
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just sitting out on the patio on Ventura Boulevard. It's
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a place that has a train, great dogs. And we
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were just sitting there, and a car just went speeding
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down Ventura Boulevard, and the dude was just on the
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horn the entire time. It's like a big Cadillac. behind
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like a green Honda Solstice or something. It was like
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a weird car. And I just looked up and I go,
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that's Mark Davidson in that green Honda Solstice. And I
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don't know who was in the Cadillac behind him, but
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later on when Jimmy called him as the angry black
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man in the Cadillac from Ventura Boulevard who knows where
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he lives now and is gonna hunt him down, it
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worked on Mark perfectly because who else Who could know this? Yeah.
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Who could possibly know this unless Kimmel was sitting at
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the carnies and Carolla went, hey, that's Mark Davidson right there.
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And the guy was leaning on the horn the whole time.
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He just called him this angry black guy who got
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his address from the DMV and was coming after him.
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And Mark was clinically going insane for weeks.
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I took my friend. I have a friend who's blind.
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Blind Rita is her name. And I don't know which
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came first. But I picked her up at her job,
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and then she gets in the car, and she goes, wow,
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this sounds cool. What kind of car is this? And
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I go, oh, it's a Maserati.
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And she goes, look at you.
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I guess you're doing pretty good. I go, are you
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kidding me? We're going to Yamashiro or whatever.
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So we're going to Yamashiro.
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For lunch. I take her to this sushi place on Ventura.
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Just some fucking mediocre sushi place.
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In your Mustang.
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She's like, this is so good.
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I can't.
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What's this cost? I go, don't worry about what it costs.
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I got it, blind Rita.
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Maserati. I had a guy. God, it was so sad.
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I did a gig, I don't know, in Orange County
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or whatever over the weekend, and a young guy was
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like enthusiastic, and he worked at the country club or
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wherever I was at. He came up to me, and
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he said, hey, man, you're a car guy, right? I go, yeah, yeah,
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I am a car guy. And he goes, what do
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you think of Alfa Romeos? And I go... Oh, Alfa
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Romeo's great. Old Alfa Romeo, like vintage Alfa Romeos are cool,
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like 69, 70, whatever, GTA, GTVs. Those are great. Old
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Alfa's bitchin'. New, junk. I wouldn't go near him, and
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he goes, well, I got a new Alfa. I'm like, well, yeah,
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but what did I say, junk? I mean, I'll tell you,
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you'll be the only one driving a new Alfa when
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you go to Carson Covey. I should have checked. I
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thought he was asking what to do, not that he'd already...
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Did it. Right. So I guess when you say to people,
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what do you think of, you should start with, I
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got a new Alfa Romeo. What do you think of it?
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In which case I'd say they're awesome.
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Right.
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But you can't just go, what do you think of? Yeah. So,
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all right. So this happened. So tell me, riddle me this, Batman.
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This is a weird one, right? So I get, I
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did a show on Thursday night. And when I was
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driving home, or when I was on stage, I got
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a text from Jason Reitman, the director, writer, up in
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the air. I think, thank you for smoking. I don't know.
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What else, Andrew? Lots of movies. Juno.
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Son of Ivan Reitman?
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Son of Ivan Reitman.
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Right.
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Nicest guy in the world. Ghostbusters. Afterlife. Nicest guy. Not...
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Ivan was not the nicest guy, but he is the
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nicest guy. Now, I don't really– I'm the best guy
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in the world to yell at because all I had
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my whole life was football coaches and construction foremen, and
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that's all they did was yell at you. I don't care.
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I realize other people can't handle it. They're literally like
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kids now. I mean, I've talked to guys who are
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in high school, like, hey, pretty good ball player. You're
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playing your senior year? They're like, no. I go, why not?
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Coach is mean. I don't need that shit. I go,
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what do you mean? I just talked to my daughter.
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She said, I'm not playing volleyball. I don't like that.
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I go, all coaches are mean. That's who they are.
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They're mean. They're supposed to be mean. They're like, nah,
250
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I'm not putting up with that shit. It's like, what shit?
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You're a kid. He's a coach. They yell at the kid.
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That's what they do. Nah, I'm not down for that. Like,
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everyone feels so fucking good about themselves now that they
254
00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:09.460
can't have a 40-something-year-old guy with like salt and pepper
255
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in his hair fucking... Tell them they're doing it wrong.
256
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That's why I'm glad the roasts are back because you
257
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can lay into people and some people can't handle it.
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They go, I'm never doing a roast again.
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I'm like, why?
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You don't want to know who you are?
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Right.
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It's like you go on a years of therapy. You
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sit there and they go, you know, Greg, you look
264
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like an old man with cancer. Well, I didn't realize that.
265
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Yeah, right.
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Yeah. No.
267
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But everybody said it so far.
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I didn't even know I love sucking Jimmy's dick.
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Yes, you do.
270
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Yeah.
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But I didn't know that I loved it as much
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as I did until I got involved with the roast.
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Did you think he liked it?
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I thought I was like, come see, come saw. I
275
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wasn't in love with it, but evidently, if I ever
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do a roast, I'm informed how much I love sucking
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Jimmy's cock, which I, again, unaware of.
278
00:13:58.620 --> 00:14:00.629
Does he enjoy it as much as you do?
279
00:14:02.929 --> 00:14:06.269
He keeps coming back for more. So I guess, like
280
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any restaurant... We have repeat business. You must be doing
281
00:14:09.909 --> 00:14:11.649
the pasta pretty well.
282
00:14:11.789 --> 00:14:13.679
Well, you couldn't be doing it that well if there
283
00:14:13.720 --> 00:14:15.840
wasn't passion behind it. You can't fake that.
284
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I don't know.
285
00:14:17.539 --> 00:14:18.600
Especially as a straight guy.
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00:14:18.860 --> 00:14:26.799
Yeah. So Ivan was, you know, when Jimmy and I
287
00:14:26.850 --> 00:14:29.870
were writing a script for him, he would let us
288
00:14:29.950 --> 00:14:32.590
know in uncertain terms when we screwed up, you know,
289
00:14:33.429 --> 00:14:35.769
which I was fine with. But I don't know. Sometimes
290
00:14:35.889 --> 00:14:38.080
others don't take well to it, I guess. But he
291
00:14:38.100 --> 00:14:40.990
was a straightforward dude. And I liked him. We had
292
00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:43.870
a good time with him. But we would go to
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his house in Montecito.
294
00:14:46.649 --> 00:14:46.950
Nice.
295
00:14:47.309 --> 00:14:51.370
He had an enclave. I wouldn't call it a house.
296
00:14:51.509 --> 00:14:54.659
I'll put it to you this way. It has an
297
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amphitheater on the property. Now, people have pools, and then
298
00:14:59.379 --> 00:15:00.879
others have tennis courts.
299
00:15:01.100 --> 00:15:01.720
Home theaters.
300
00:15:01.740 --> 00:15:02.000
Home theaters.
301
00:15:02.019 --> 00:15:06.860
Home theaters. This is an amphitheater. And his home theater
302
00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:11.480
was a separate building. It was a theater. With the
303
00:15:11.480 --> 00:15:13.960
35 millimeter projector and everything they was putting in at
304
00:15:13.980 --> 00:15:17.809
the time. It was like 25 years ago. And I
305
00:15:17.870 --> 00:15:21.669
know exactly when it was now. So I'll circle back.
306
00:15:21.690 --> 00:15:26.070
So Jason Reitman just writes me a text. Hey, is
307
00:15:26.090 --> 00:15:28.789
this your number? Do I got the right number for you, Adam?
308
00:15:29.230 --> 00:15:30.909
I got a question for you. And I'm like, oh, okay.
309
00:15:31.460 --> 00:15:33.720
I'm like, I always do that where I go, like, oh,
310
00:15:33.730 --> 00:15:35.570
he wants to put me in his movie or something. No, no,
311
00:15:35.610 --> 00:15:37.549
they always want to borrow a car or something. You know,
312
00:15:37.570 --> 00:15:39.429
I've got to shoot something. I need your car. Whatever
313
00:15:39.470 --> 00:15:43.690
it is. But he goes, I called him up. He goes,
314
00:15:44.070 --> 00:15:48.019
weird question. Do you own the Batman house? I go,
315
00:15:48.029 --> 00:15:51.700
the house in Pasadena where they film Batman, like the
316
00:15:51.779 --> 00:15:56.039
exterior for the TV show? And I go, no. And
317
00:15:56.059 --> 00:15:59.730
he goes, oh, that's weird because I just. Talk to
318
00:15:59.769 --> 00:16:04.279
my guy who finds these things out. And that's what
319
00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:08.460
he came back with. And he's real good. And I'm like, no, no,
320
00:16:08.740 --> 00:16:11.200
I don't know. I wish I owned that house. It's 18,000
321
00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:13.230
square feet for sale.
322
00:16:14.610 --> 00:16:15.669
It comes with a butler, too.
323
00:16:15.710 --> 00:16:19.480
It comes with Alfred. I said, but in a weird coincidence,
324
00:16:19.860 --> 00:16:23.419
my realtor told me like two weeks ago, he goes,
325
00:16:23.440 --> 00:16:25.840
I'm representing the Batman house. You want to come check
326
00:16:25.879 --> 00:16:28.399
it out? Really? Yeah, and I'm like, I said, well,
327
00:16:28.620 --> 00:16:32.080
so I said, Jason, good news and bad news. I
328
00:16:32.120 --> 00:16:34.019
don't own the house, but the good news is I
329
00:16:34.059 --> 00:16:35.940
know the guy who's selling the house, and we can
330
00:16:35.980 --> 00:16:42.259
go look at the house, scout the house for Reitman's wife.
331
00:16:43.289 --> 00:16:47.299
who is filming a movie who is Jack Nicholson's daughter,
332
00:16:48.200 --> 00:16:52.110
which I didn't know about. Perfectly nice. Oh, girlfriend. Oh,
333
00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:56.470
I thought it was his wife. Sorry. Oh, you can check, Andrew.
334
00:16:56.500 --> 00:16:58.830
I thought he said wife when I was on the phone.
335
00:16:58.850 --> 00:17:05.809
It doesn't matter. So I said, well, Saturday, I actually
336
00:17:05.849 --> 00:17:08.779
got a gig in Pasadena during the day, and when
337
00:17:08.819 --> 00:17:11.359
I'm done, I can just call my realtor guy and say,
338
00:17:11.380 --> 00:17:13.180
you want to meet? Oh, if you guys want to
339
00:17:13.240 --> 00:17:16.079
come out and just meet up there, we'll just come
340
00:17:16.099 --> 00:17:19.690
out and meet up there. So he's like, yeah, we'll
341
00:17:19.730 --> 00:17:21.289
do it. So I was like, all right, call my
342
00:17:21.329 --> 00:17:25.609
realtor and met him. And Andrew came too because he's
343
00:17:25.670 --> 00:17:30.119
into it. And we took a tour of the Batman house. Wow.
344
00:17:30.279 --> 00:17:33.319
Me with my building and all my house restorations. And
345
00:17:33.400 --> 00:17:35.849
also it's prime for me because I think the house
346
00:17:35.880 --> 00:17:38.759
was built in 1928. I restored a big house from 1928.
347
00:17:38.750 --> 00:17:41.589
So it's got a lot of stuff. I was pointing
348
00:17:41.609 --> 00:17:43.250
at some of the stuff, you know, you need to
349
00:17:43.569 --> 00:17:45.490
fix or stuff that was cool or stuff that was
350
00:17:45.549 --> 00:17:52.690
right or something. But I was saying to Jason Reitman,
351
00:17:52.970 --> 00:17:55.069
he didn't know about this, but I was like, you know,
352
00:17:55.910 --> 00:17:59.529
I was at your house in Montecito, your parents' house,
353
00:18:02.130 --> 00:18:07.009
right after 9-11, because your mom came out. We were
354
00:18:07.029 --> 00:18:09.619
there with Ivan, and me and Jimmy were like taking
355
00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:14.799
a tour. He owned the house above his house in Montecito,
356
00:18:14.859 --> 00:18:18.299
which is like the Shah of Iran's sister's house, and
357
00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:21.720
that's where his offices were, which is kind of crazy. Now,
358
00:18:21.740 --> 00:18:25.549
that's a puny house. That's only a $ 17 million house.
359
00:18:26.049 --> 00:18:30.930
This one's got an amphitheater. So we're like, he's giving
360
00:18:30.970 --> 00:18:32.349
us a tour. You get in a golf cart and
361
00:18:32.369 --> 00:18:35.069
go down the hill and there's the amphitheater and we're
362
00:18:35.089 --> 00:18:40.480
building the thing and taking us on tour. And his wife,
363
00:18:41.380 --> 00:18:45.140
who's still alive, came out and said, everybody, I'd like
364
00:18:45.180 --> 00:18:48.220
to do like a prayer for the 9-11 victims or
365
00:18:48.279 --> 00:18:51.349
whatever it is. Ivan's wife. Ivan's wife. So it had
366
00:18:51.400 --> 00:18:55.369
to be literally the day before or two days before.
367
00:18:55.410 --> 00:18:57.809
Meanwhile, the Shaw of Iran sisters jumping up and down
368
00:18:57.950 --> 00:18:59.779
the roof having a party.
369
00:18:59.950 --> 00:19:04.099
She had a shoulder harness rocket launcher. She was looking
370
00:19:04.119 --> 00:19:09.519
for commercial aircraft that flew over the Santa Barbara area. So, no,
371
00:19:09.559 --> 00:19:12.740
the Shaw's sister's house was literally like, do you like
372
00:19:12.880 --> 00:19:16.309
shag carpeting in your bathroom? Then this is the house
373
00:19:16.329 --> 00:19:17.329
for you. On the walls, good?
374
00:19:17.490 --> 00:19:17.809
Yeah.
375
00:19:17.849 --> 00:19:19.089
Put it on the walls. It all looked like a
376
00:19:19.170 --> 00:19:23.740
custom van from the 70s inside of there. So, So
377
00:19:24.099 --> 00:19:27.680
his wife, I was telling this to Jason, I go,
378
00:19:28.900 --> 00:19:32.940
your mom called everyone in, like the groundskeepers, instead of
379
00:19:32.980 --> 00:19:36.069
the guys out with the rakes, and said, everyone, bring
380
00:19:36.109 --> 00:19:38.950
it in. And everyone got like a circle, like on
381
00:19:38.990 --> 00:19:42.710
the patio, and she like said a prayer for 9-11.
382
00:19:44.150 --> 00:19:47.049
So he's like, man, I didn't know that. I'm like, yeah,
383
00:19:47.069 --> 00:19:49.349
I guess, why would you, I guess. But, you know,
384
00:19:49.369 --> 00:19:51.720
he's off at college. or something at the time or whatever.
385
00:19:53.640 --> 00:19:57.740
So I said, yeah, man, that's a good house. He goes, yeah,
386
00:19:57.759 --> 00:19:59.890
my mom's older and we're getting ready to kind of
387
00:19:59.920 --> 00:20:02.630
move her out of there. And, you know, dad's gone
388
00:20:02.670 --> 00:20:03.049
and stuff.
389
00:20:03.069 --> 00:20:03.289
Yeah.
390
00:20:04.009 --> 00:20:06.470
And, you know, put it on the market or something
391
00:20:06.490 --> 00:20:09.910
like that. And so Later on, we're taking the tour,
392
00:20:11.089 --> 00:20:15.269
and Jason's girlfriend, who's really into architecture and knows all this,
393
00:20:15.569 --> 00:20:17.309
I mean, you can tell. She's like, I said I
394
00:20:17.329 --> 00:20:20.170
used to live up Hollywood Land Hills. She's like, oh,
395
00:20:20.190 --> 00:20:22.019
I love going up, seeing the Wolf's Lair up there.
396
00:20:22.059 --> 00:20:24.579
I'm like, oh, yeah, I love that house and Madonna's house.
397
00:20:24.619 --> 00:20:26.619
I go, yeah, no, I lived, that's where I live.
398
00:20:26.660 --> 00:20:30.539
I had houses rebuilt. So her and I are speaking
399
00:20:30.559 --> 00:20:35.799
the architectural language, you know, and then at some point she, like,
400
00:20:36.099 --> 00:20:39.210
looks at me and she goes, man, you know, all
401
00:20:39.250 --> 00:20:42.910
this stuff. That's cool. I mean, Jason doesn't know how
402
00:20:42.950 --> 00:20:46.089
to do all this stuff, you know, watch some videos,
403
00:20:46.109 --> 00:20:48.890
get into it. You know, it's like, yeah, he's not
404
00:20:48.970 --> 00:20:51.690
into this stuff. Like you're into this stuff. And I
405
00:20:51.710 --> 00:20:59.960
was like, yeah, this is true. But my, uh, if
406
00:21:00.039 --> 00:21:03.910
my in-laws had had a hundred million dollar house, um,
407
00:21:04.950 --> 00:21:07.789
where your in-laws have a house, I'd probably just be
408
00:21:07.829 --> 00:21:13.630
happy with that. Now, my in-laws had a house in
409
00:21:13.890 --> 00:21:17.289
Reseda that was 1,200 square feet and needed a roof,
410
00:21:17.369 --> 00:21:19.670
and I had to pay for it. And then a
411
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:24.539
few years later, I paid for the funeral of the dad.
412
00:21:24.599 --> 00:21:28.539
So the house in Montecito is definitely better than whatever
413
00:21:28.640 --> 00:21:32.759
meager carpenter skills. In terms of what you hope for
414
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:39.450
in the in-law department, Yeah. Anchorage and Montecito, I think
415
00:21:39.490 --> 00:21:41.990
that's a positive thing.
416
00:21:42.130 --> 00:21:44.559
I don't think Jack is living in a studio in
417
00:21:44.579 --> 00:21:47.119
Toluca Lake either, Jack Nicholson.
418
00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:48.599
That's a fair point.
419
00:21:48.769 --> 00:21:48.940
Yeah.
420
00:21:49.329 --> 00:21:53.079
And I all... Yeah, I do think, like, you people
421
00:21:53.119 --> 00:21:56.200
need to be separated because you're both good. You're right.
422
00:21:56.400 --> 00:21:58.839
Yeah, it's like breaking up the Yankees in the 30s. Yeah,
423
00:21:58.900 --> 00:22:00.099
we've got to split this up.
424
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:02.410
We're going to split it up. Go find some poor
425
00:22:02.470 --> 00:22:08.509
guys good-looking works at Home Depot. Jason, go find some— wherever
426
00:22:07.789 --> 00:22:10.950
your next hot barista is at Starbucks. Well, it works
427
00:22:11.029 --> 00:22:13.630
both ways. They're both great, by the way. They're both
428
00:22:13.670 --> 00:22:15.519
super nice, and they know a lot about us. And
429
00:22:15.559 --> 00:22:17.559
we took a long tour and had a good talk
430
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:22.529
and stuff. But I just kept thinking— it's always been
431
00:22:22.569 --> 00:22:28.069
my dream to know somebody who had something like, like,
432
00:22:28.430 --> 00:22:31.369
I don't know why it's the, whenever I hear the
433
00:22:31.490 --> 00:22:37.369
story of like, um, Oh, we're going down to Palm Springs. Oh,
434
00:22:37.450 --> 00:22:43.359
what's in palms. Oh, Jenny's parents had a place and whatever. Um,
435
00:22:45.150 --> 00:22:47.849
Palm Springs and they pass so we have the place
436
00:22:48.549 --> 00:22:54.700
I always go oh I wish the cabin wherever that
437
00:22:56.000 --> 00:22:59.119
the cabin by the lake somewhere that the dad had
438
00:22:59.140 --> 00:23:01.680
a million years ago and he's gone now but you
439
00:23:01.720 --> 00:23:04.160
got the place in Wyoming now so you can go
440
00:23:04.200 --> 00:23:06.700
there like I always I'm so jealous of that.
441
00:23:06.700 --> 00:23:09.019
Well we just came from New York I got back
442
00:23:09.079 --> 00:23:16.740
yesterday and my my wife's stepdad passed. And here's the
443
00:23:16.789 --> 00:23:20.829
inheritance from that one. It's a one bedroom on 87th street.
444
00:23:20.950 --> 00:23:25.049
And when my son stayed over there recently, the plaster
445
00:23:25.089 --> 00:23:27.390
from the ceiling fell on him on the couch while
446
00:23:27.410 --> 00:23:28.009
he was sleeping.
447
00:23:29.809 --> 00:23:35.960
But it's gotta be better. Okay. What do you think
448
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:37.299
that place is worth though?
449
00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:40.059
He pays it's rent control and he pays $ 475 a
450
00:23:40.099 --> 00:23:44.400
month for on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
451
00:23:45.460 --> 00:23:47.299
And when he dies, how does it work?
452
00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:50.319
Everyone's angling on that one. There was a lot of
453
00:23:50.359 --> 00:23:52.720
people at that memorial that were like, now.
454
00:23:52.819 --> 00:23:58.940
Who are you? He's paying under $ 500 for a place
455
00:23:58.980 --> 00:23:59.980
that would rent for what?
456
00:24:01.039 --> 00:24:01.720
Six grand.
457
00:24:02.259 --> 00:24:06.049
Yeah, but the reason the plaster's falling is because the
458
00:24:06.089 --> 00:24:07.750
guy owns the building. It's like, I'm not going to
459
00:24:07.769 --> 00:24:08.910
fucking put money into this shit.
460
00:24:08.970 --> 00:24:10.170
Oh, no, he wouldn't fix anything.
461
00:24:10.940 --> 00:24:12.319
Right, which is what you get.
462
00:24:12.740 --> 00:24:14.660
And, you know, in New York City— have you lived in
463
00:24:14.680 --> 00:24:15.160
New York City?
464
00:24:15.460 --> 00:24:15.720
No.
465
00:24:16.099 --> 00:24:21.109
Well, basically, all the heaters are radiators, and they— you know,
466
00:24:21.160 --> 00:24:23.930
the boiler is down in the basement, and it shoots.
467
00:24:23.750 --> 00:24:24.470
The heat up.
468
00:24:25.009 --> 00:24:29.630
And so it's—and you, for some reason, never could you
469
00:24:29.990 --> 00:24:31.890
regulate the amount of heat coming through.
470
00:24:31.910 --> 00:24:32.250
Right.
471
00:24:32.269 --> 00:24:35.089
It's just like having a furnace— in your apartment and
472
00:24:35.130 --> 00:24:37.769
it's either off and you're freezing or it's on and
473
00:24:37.809 --> 00:24:38.890
you've got your windows open.
474
00:24:39.210 --> 00:24:39.410
Right.
475
00:24:39.529 --> 00:24:42.609
And his was on all the time. His windows were,
476
00:24:42.650 --> 00:24:45.150
I mean, January, his windows are wide open.
477
00:24:47.150 --> 00:24:52.210
So, um, yeah, yeah, I got, I'll tell you what
478
00:24:52.269 --> 00:25:01.940
I got. Let's see. Grand total. Um, in-laws, nothing. They passed, uh, zero.
479
00:25:02.740 --> 00:25:07.039
And then, uh, My mom passed, but that all went
480
00:25:07.059 --> 00:25:13.029
to my stepdad, so zero there. Oof. And then my
481
00:25:13.089 --> 00:25:17.660
dad passed, and I went to stepmom, so zero there. Oh,
482
00:25:17.670 --> 00:25:21.430
you got stepped out. I got stepped on. Oh.
483
00:25:21.849 --> 00:25:23.390
I got stepped out and stepped on. That's a rough one.
484
00:25:23.650 --> 00:25:25.809
That was a solid two or three figures you were
485
00:25:25.829 --> 00:25:26.809
looking at, too, right?
486
00:25:27.190 --> 00:25:29.710
Well, you got....
487
00:25:30.890 --> 00:25:31.009
Now.
488
00:25:32.130 --> 00:25:35.539
My mom's a shrewd businesswoman. In a weird way, you
489
00:25:35.599 --> 00:25:39.019
could call my mom a shrewd businesswoman because she lived
490
00:25:39.119 --> 00:25:43.740
in my grandparents' junker ex-house, rental house in North Hollywood
491
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:50.630
for free her whole life. And then when the grandfather
492
00:25:50.670 --> 00:25:55.000
died and her mom died, when her parents died, She
493
00:25:55.079 --> 00:25:58.380
sold the Junker house and moved into their house in
494
00:25:58.420 --> 00:26:01.339
another part of North Hollywood. Okay. So she's always been
495
00:26:01.420 --> 00:26:06.359
living for free. Rent free. Rent free. And then she died,
496
00:26:06.519 --> 00:26:11.819
so now my stepdad has the house. So that was that. Now,
497
00:26:13.309 --> 00:26:18.470
my family's so weird, no funerals, no graves, no urns.
498
00:26:19.329 --> 00:26:19.849
Just gone.
499
00:26:19.890 --> 00:26:20.170
Just gone.
500
00:26:20.750 --> 00:26:27.549
Dust in the wind. Dust in the wind.
501
00:26:28.109 --> 00:26:35.279
Gone. No meeting. No lunch. No discussion. Just gone. And
502
00:26:36.170 --> 00:26:43.299
so both my step-parents have whatever there was. But... That's
503
00:26:43.380 --> 00:26:45.960
the bad news. The good news is they didn't have anything.
504
00:26:46.759 --> 00:26:50.440
And both step-parents earned it because they were married to
505
00:26:50.480 --> 00:26:54.059
these two people who didn't do anything. So they deserve
506
00:26:54.299 --> 00:26:58.460
all they could get. And I'm rich, so it doesn't
507
00:26:58.500 --> 00:27:04.779
really matter. But my sister, you know, she's the one
508
00:27:04.819 --> 00:27:09.720
who really kind of got it. Because she didn't get
509
00:27:09.759 --> 00:27:14.980
anything when she was born. And now everyone's gone and
510
00:27:15.019 --> 00:27:17.279
she still didn't get anything. But I'll tell you one
511
00:27:17.299 --> 00:27:17.619
thing about.
512
00:27:17.640 --> 00:27:18.400
So she's not rich.
513
00:27:19.099 --> 00:27:24.470
No, but she's fine. She'd like something left. I'll tell you,
514
00:27:24.529 --> 00:27:31.009
I have a saying, which is disappointers never disappoint, which
515
00:27:31.190 --> 00:27:36.890
is both my parents were disappointers. And if they died
516
00:27:37.309 --> 00:27:40.890
and somebody went, Turns out your dad had socked away
517
00:27:40.890 --> 00:27:43.730
$ 1 million with your name on it. My head would
518
00:27:43.769 --> 00:27:47.460
have exploded. The point is, is he died. We didn't
519
00:27:47.480 --> 00:27:49.480
get an end table. Yeah. You know what I mean?
520
00:27:49.599 --> 00:27:53.079
But the point is, is disappointers never disappoint. They're always there.
521
00:27:53.460 --> 00:27:55.119
Late people are always late.
522
00:27:55.220 --> 00:27:55.440
Yeah.
523
00:27:56.019 --> 00:27:59.049
Cheap people are always cheap. You know, like whoever the,
524
00:27:59.230 --> 00:28:00.369
whatever that trade is.
525
00:28:00.430 --> 00:28:01.430
People don't surprise you.
526
00:28:01.490 --> 00:28:04.650
They never surprise. Right to the grave. They just died.
527
00:28:04.710 --> 00:28:07.250
And I got a Tony Bennett CD, actually.
528
00:28:07.609 --> 00:28:08.309
Oh, that's not bad.
529
00:28:08.829 --> 00:28:13.289
I know, but the problem was it was autographed to me.
530
00:28:14.849 --> 00:28:18.250
And I was like, my dad got a Tony Bennett
531
00:28:18.269 --> 00:28:20.490
CD and he got Tony Bennett to autograph it to me?
532
00:28:21.130 --> 00:28:23.980
And it turned out Tony Bennett gave me that thing
533
00:28:24.019 --> 00:28:28.740
in 2000 and I gave it to my dad. So
534
00:28:28.819 --> 00:28:31.640
I got back with my Tony Bennett CD.
535
00:28:32.279 --> 00:28:33.359
Oh, that's great.
536
00:28:33.440 --> 00:28:36.859
So that's a push. I mean, that's not even a victory.
537
00:28:36.900 --> 00:28:39.680
That's just the returning... Of a Tony Bennett CD.
538
00:28:39.700 --> 00:28:43.539
Yeah, yeah, it was on loan. My dad died a
539
00:28:43.920 --> 00:28:48.240
long time ago. He was only 53, so I inherited
540
00:28:48.279 --> 00:28:53.240
his golf clubs, and that was it. And to this day.
541
00:28:53.299 --> 00:28:56.240
Well, his stuff, he had some money. It went to
542
00:28:56.259 --> 00:28:56.759
your mom?
543
00:28:56.779 --> 00:28:58.059
Yeah, my mom's got it.
544
00:28:58.460 --> 00:28:59.509
Is your mom still with us?
545
00:28:59.880 --> 00:29:00.309
She is.
546
00:29:00.650 --> 00:29:04.289
Okay. Now, when she goes, there'll be something, right?
547
00:29:04.309 --> 00:29:04.390
Yeah.
548
00:29:05.109 --> 00:29:07.390
Yeah, there'll be something. I mean, my hope is that
549
00:29:07.470 --> 00:29:09.359
she spends it. I want her to enjoy her life.
550
00:29:09.839 --> 00:29:12.099
But she lives in a house?
551
00:29:12.119 --> 00:29:13.980
A little condo in Florida.
552
00:29:14.440 --> 00:29:17.420
All right. Who do you got to whack it up with?
553
00:29:19.109 --> 00:29:19.930
My brother and sister.
554
00:29:20.269 --> 00:29:21.109
You got two people.
555
00:29:21.170 --> 00:29:21.369
Yeah.
556
00:29:21.670 --> 00:29:22.150
How are they?
557
00:29:23.150 --> 00:29:23.549
They're good.
558
00:29:24.529 --> 00:29:26.630
How are they financially and spiritually?
559
00:29:28.210 --> 00:29:32.380
They're... They're good. I mean, we're very close. My family's
560
00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:34.579
very close. And I think that, you know, when people
561
00:29:34.599 --> 00:29:38.170
start fucking with the wills and different people get different amounts,
562
00:29:38.670 --> 00:29:41.700
it can cause, I mean, here's your legacy. Now your
563
00:29:41.740 --> 00:29:44.640
children don't speak. And I know people that are in
564
00:29:44.660 --> 00:29:47.420
that situation. And I mean, down to the details, if
565
00:29:47.460 --> 00:29:51.259
you got jewelry, fucking you, you can do the system
566
00:29:51.279 --> 00:29:53.599
where you go, each person gets to go in the
567
00:29:53.619 --> 00:29:56.339
house and come out with one thing. Then the next
568
00:29:56.400 --> 00:29:58.460
person goes in, comes out with one thing, or you
569
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:00.920
put post notes and you, you do all that.
570
00:30:01.089 --> 00:30:07.329
I started noticing when my grandparents died, I would notice
571
00:30:07.369 --> 00:30:10.569
when I'd go to my sister's house, I'd see a pot.
572
00:30:11.470 --> 00:30:15.259
And I'm like, that's, That was a pot from Grandpa's house.
573
00:30:15.279 --> 00:30:18.799
And then I started seeing things around the house. Now,
574
00:30:20.039 --> 00:30:22.440
to be fair, my sister got the short end of
575
00:30:22.460 --> 00:30:28.759
the stick in life. And she's not rich. And who
576
00:30:28.779 --> 00:30:31.220
gives a fuck about pots? I mean, my thing is
577
00:30:31.240 --> 00:30:36.259
just take it all. Probably could have had a discussion,
578
00:30:36.839 --> 00:30:38.940
but I don't care. Anything sentimental?
579
00:30:38.960 --> 00:30:39.039
No.
580
00:30:39.769 --> 00:30:41.130
Besides the Tony Bennett CD?
581
00:30:42.829 --> 00:30:48.910
My dad did not own... I suppose I could get
582
00:30:48.950 --> 00:30:52.230
the trumpet back that I bought him. It was a
583
00:30:52.309 --> 00:30:57.220
fairly expensive trumpet. Yeah. But that'd be another reclaiming of
584
00:30:57.279 --> 00:31:01.420
an item that I'd already dropped off. No, my dad
585
00:31:01.460 --> 00:31:06.259
didn't own anything or have anything or collect anything. I
586
00:31:06.299 --> 00:31:09.279
was unaware. He didn't have golf clubs. Yeah, yeah. Or
587
00:31:09.319 --> 00:31:14.359
anything important. My dad had less stuff than any person
588
00:31:14.400 --> 00:31:16.839
you've ever met who made it to his age. He
589
00:31:16.880 --> 00:31:20.240
didn't have, like, a tool. He didn't have, like, a
590
00:31:20.380 --> 00:31:23.200
socket set in his garage or something. He didn't have anything.
591
00:31:23.619 --> 00:31:26.839
I probably leased a car and that went back. I don't...
592
00:31:28.660 --> 00:31:33.849
My dad and my mom are, I think, the only
593
00:31:33.950 --> 00:31:38.809
people who you know who... If they died, when they died,
594
00:31:39.490 --> 00:31:41.930
and if someone went, you want to go through the
595
00:31:41.950 --> 00:31:44.950
house and see if there's something you want to get
596
00:31:44.970 --> 00:31:48.130
out of it, I'd just go, nah. I know what's
597
00:31:48.190 --> 00:31:52.420
in there. There's a sweater. There's sweatpants. I could get
598
00:31:52.460 --> 00:31:53.880
my dad sweatpants.
599
00:31:54.099 --> 00:31:56.180
You'd have to get new elastic on the waistband. Those
600
00:31:56.240 --> 00:31:56.900
are dried out.
601
00:31:56.940 --> 00:32:00.599
He'd have, like, it could be like a bridge, like
602
00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:04.950
maybe some dental work, like in a cup. Yeah.
603
00:32:05.940 --> 00:32:08.500
You can make him into chattering teeth.
604
00:32:08.680 --> 00:32:11.430
I guess there's things like, you know, it's not like
605
00:32:12.230 --> 00:32:14.890
he ran out of deodorant the day he died. There's
606
00:32:14.930 --> 00:32:18.390
probably some deodorant in that can. There's probably some toothpaste.
607
00:32:20.390 --> 00:32:23.960
Maybe some flour. Right. Salt. Yeah. You know, things like that.
608
00:32:23.980 --> 00:32:26.660
I mean, shoes do not, you know.
609
00:32:27.230 --> 00:32:28.390
Wrong size, though.
610
00:32:28.410 --> 00:32:30.039
Oh, okay.
611
00:32:30.299 --> 00:32:30.960
Yeah.
612
00:32:31.200 --> 00:32:34.039
My wife's aunt, Aunt Jo in the Bronx, she was
613
00:32:34.099 --> 00:32:36.920
born in this house in the Bronx. Picture Archie Bunker's house.
614
00:32:37.269 --> 00:32:37.490
Right.
615
00:32:37.589 --> 00:32:41.109
And it was literally... My mom and my wife's mom
616
00:32:41.150 --> 00:32:42.730
grew up in the same neighborhood in the Bronx, and
617
00:32:42.750 --> 00:32:45.069
they went to the same school. Just totally out of coincidence.
618
00:32:45.250 --> 00:32:45.470
Wow.
619
00:32:45.710 --> 00:32:48.250
So my Aunt Jo was born in that house, physically
620
00:32:48.289 --> 00:32:51.190
born in that house, and lived in it to the
621
00:32:51.430 --> 00:32:55.099
age of 93 and never lived anywhere else. Never got married.
622
00:32:55.460 --> 00:32:55.839
Wow.
623
00:32:55.859 --> 00:32:56.619
She was a nurse.
624
00:32:57.019 --> 00:32:57.400
Wow.
625
00:32:57.559 --> 00:33:00.900
Retired at whatever, 65, and everybody just assumed, all right,
626
00:33:00.920 --> 00:33:03.579
Jo's got the house. She's fucking broke.
627
00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:04.180
Right.
628
00:33:04.200 --> 00:33:04.839
So she dies.
629
00:33:04.859 --> 00:33:05.140
Right.
630
00:33:05.759 --> 00:33:11.410
And my wife and her brother inherit what turned out
631
00:33:11.450 --> 00:33:13.309
to be a lot of fucking money.
632
00:33:14.490 --> 00:33:21.400
Well, yeah. I mean, my dad's brother, Mario, did the
633
00:33:21.440 --> 00:33:24.039
same thing in South Philly. Turned out to be not
634
00:33:24.079 --> 00:33:26.279
so much money in South Philly.
635
00:33:26.400 --> 00:33:26.619
But.
636
00:33:27.839 --> 00:33:34.230
When my grandma and grandpa died and my mom was
637
00:33:34.269 --> 00:33:37.210
living in their junker in North Hollywood that they bought
638
00:33:37.250 --> 00:33:43.210
for $ 10, 000, it was probably– I don't know what the
639
00:33:43.250 --> 00:33:47.150
mortgage is on a $ 10, 000 house. I don't know. By
640
00:33:47.170 --> 00:33:49.190
the way, they bought it in 1952 and they died
641
00:33:49.250 --> 00:33:58.269
in 2010 or something. There's no money left. My mom
642
00:33:58.950 --> 00:34:01.289
had $ 675, 000 cash.
643
00:34:01.950 --> 00:34:02.579
Your mom did?
644
00:34:03.420 --> 00:34:07.400
Well, because she waited until her parents died.
645
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:07.859
Oh, got it.
646
00:34:07.920 --> 00:34:11.260
And then she sold the junker house in Valley Village,
647
00:34:11.360 --> 00:34:15.409
and they took it down. They just bought the land. Yeah.
648
00:34:15.789 --> 00:34:18.969
They bought the lot. They took the house down.
649
00:34:19.190 --> 00:34:21.309
And there's no capital gains tax or anything at that
650
00:34:21.369 --> 00:34:22.489
point when you've had it that long.
651
00:34:22.630 --> 00:34:26.380
I don't know. Whatever it is, it's free money, and
652
00:34:27.880 --> 00:34:31.599
it's a wad of cash. And then the house they
653
00:34:31.639 --> 00:34:35.639
moved in, these are junker houses that are $ 1. 7 million.
654
00:34:36.360 --> 00:34:40.550
That's the time we're living in. I am eight. It
655
00:34:40.650 --> 00:34:44.880
is so confusing trying to figure out which... Freaking supplements
656
00:34:45.099 --> 00:34:48.829
actually work and how many to take. With IM8, my
657
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life has become so much easier. IM8 is a way
658
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660
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IM8 Daily Ultimate Essentials is all in one drink. It's
662
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cost-effective too. It only costs $ 2. 61 a day. A pittance
663
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664
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665
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world's best. 95% of people who tried it for 12
666
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weeks felt more energy. And that's from a clinical trial
667
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conducted by the San Francisco Research Institute. I love just
668
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having to take one drink in the morning and meeting
669
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all my supplement needs. It's IM8, right Dawson?
670
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674
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That's code Adam at im8health. com slash Adam. Code Adam at im8health. com
675
00:36:08.869 --> 00:36:11.530
slash Adam. These statements have not been evaluated by the
676
00:36:11.570 --> 00:36:15.929
Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure,
677
00:36:16.070 --> 00:36:17.469
or prevent any disease.
678
00:36:17.949 --> 00:36:23.289
Simply safe. Well, when your home is under threat, you
679
00:36:23.309 --> 00:36:28.570
need more than recording the break-in. You need it prevented,
680
00:36:28.650 --> 00:36:33.570
and that's why SimpliSafe stops break-ins before they start. When
681
00:36:33.630 --> 00:36:35.650
I used to be out of town, I would always
682
00:36:35.690 --> 00:36:39.610
be checking the news, worried about something happening near my property.
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SimpliSafe's AI-powered cameras detect suspicious activity at the perimeter and
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alert live U.S.-based agents. The agents will assess the threat,
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intervene immediately, speak through the camera to scare off the intruders,
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and call 911 dispatch. There's nothing better than peace of mind.
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So when I travel, I sleep well knowing I have SimpliSafe.
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no safe like SimpliSafe.
696
00:37:28.480 --> 00:37:29.039
It's crazy.
697
00:37:29.079 --> 00:37:33.119
What's going to happen when this San Andreas Fault earthquake happens, though?
698
00:37:33.679 --> 00:37:35.659
How much is real estate going to go down in
699
00:37:35.719 --> 00:37:38.159
Los Angeles? I mean, you believe it's coming soon?
700
00:37:38.260 --> 00:37:38.869
The big one?
701
00:37:38.889 --> 00:37:41.949
The big one. It happens every 150 years. And it's
702
00:37:42.190 --> 00:37:43.809
been a couple hundred years.
703
00:37:44.030 --> 00:37:49.099
I was just kind of going over it. It's been
704
00:37:49.099 --> 00:37:53.179
30 since the 94.
705
00:37:53.179 --> 00:37:55.840
And that wasn't considered as big as ones that have
706
00:37:55.860 --> 00:37:57.000
happened in the past.
707
00:37:57.260 --> 00:38:00.469
No, no. I was here for 71. I've been here
708
00:38:00.510 --> 00:38:04.429
for all of them. By the way, I was thinking
709
00:38:04.469 --> 00:38:07.889
about this as I was walking through, looking at all
710
00:38:07.949 --> 00:38:11.429
the construction going on with Malibu and Palisades and sort
711
00:38:11.469 --> 00:38:17.550
of everything. These houses that are built now, have so
712
00:38:17.570 --> 00:38:22.090
many straps and so much steel and sheer wall. Like,
713
00:38:22.150 --> 00:38:28.230
they are built like bunkers now. And everything has a strap.
714
00:38:28.289 --> 00:38:31.690
Everything has a big Simpson strap and clips and hold downs.
715
00:38:31.710 --> 00:38:37.809
There's so much metal, steel, and everything. And it's all
716
00:38:37.989 --> 00:38:42.289
for earthquake. It's all earthquake. There's no hurricanes. There's no tornadoes.
717
00:38:42.389 --> 00:38:47.320
You know, it's earthquake. It's earthquake. The house I was in,
718
00:38:47.360 --> 00:38:49.599
can you find my mom's house, a picture of my
719
00:38:49.639 --> 00:38:52.889
mom's house, the green one, whatever? The house I was
720
00:38:52.989 --> 00:38:57.250
in for the 71 earthquake, I was six or whatever
721
00:38:57.289 --> 00:39:06.250
it was, was built in like 1879. Seriously? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, no.
722
00:39:06.369 --> 00:39:11.010
I grew up in a house built in 1890 or something.
723
00:39:11.289 --> 00:39:14.500
I grew up in a hundred-year-old house back then. My
724
00:39:14.519 --> 00:39:18.800
house was so fucking old. Well, first off, it was old,
725
00:39:18.880 --> 00:39:21.780
but it has two front doors. Two right next to
726
00:39:21.780 --> 00:39:23.599
each other. One for black.
727
00:39:23.239 --> 00:39:24.929
People, one for white people?
728
00:39:24.929 --> 00:39:26.389
Yeah, well, Puerto Ricans.
729
00:39:26.389 --> 00:39:26.989
It's the 1800s.
730
00:39:27.019 --> 00:39:30.719
Yeah, no. One's the guy's dentist's office, and the other's...
731
00:39:30.760 --> 00:39:32.760
You go in, it's the guy's house. Hilarious.
732
00:39:32.820 --> 00:39:33.099
Right?
733
00:39:33.119 --> 00:39:34.440
Yeah, I had a dentist like that.
734
00:39:34.460 --> 00:39:38.639
Like two doors. Where's that house? We gotta have it somewhere.
735
00:39:39.179 --> 00:39:43.289
It's in our archive somewhere. It was a hundred... Okay.
736
00:39:43.789 --> 00:39:44.469
That house.
737
00:39:47.179 --> 00:39:50.800
Had no steel and no earthquake, no nothing. It's two
738
00:39:50.840 --> 00:39:55.139
by fours, just toenailed. There's no screws. There's no straps.
739
00:39:55.659 --> 00:40:00.630
The foundation's not bolted. It's just pile of wood sitting
740
00:40:00.690 --> 00:40:05.630
on top of rocks, basically. And it sailed right through
741
00:40:05.650 --> 00:40:08.789
the 71 earthquake. Nothing. Nothing happened to it. And the
742
00:40:08.829 --> 00:40:13.150
house I was in for the 94 earthquake, yeah, there
743
00:40:13.170 --> 00:40:21.409
it is. Two front doors. The house that I was in, yeah,
744
00:40:21.409 --> 00:40:28.900
800 square feet of it, that's the entire house. The
745
00:40:28.900 --> 00:40:34.340
94 earthquake, I was renting a ranch-style house in La
746
00:40:34.360 --> 00:40:38.500
Crescenta with two dudes and And that was built in
747
00:40:38.519 --> 00:40:42.019
the 50s. And that didn't have a strap. Because I
748
00:40:42.059 --> 00:40:44.909
used to do earthquake rehab work. This stuff didn't exist.
749
00:40:45.969 --> 00:40:49.530
They nailed houses together. Yeah. There was no shear wall.
750
00:40:50.170 --> 00:40:52.150
There's no screws. There's no hold downs. There's no straps.
751
00:40:52.170 --> 00:40:56.170
There's no bolting, no J-bolts. There's nothing. And they just
752
00:40:57.219 --> 00:41:01.099
went right through both big earthquakes. Nothing happened. You know,
753
00:41:01.159 --> 00:41:05.300
like dishes fell out of the shelves or whatever. That's it.
754
00:41:05.579 --> 00:41:05.780
Yeah.
755
00:41:06.039 --> 00:41:06.199
So.
756
00:41:07.400 --> 00:41:09.519
Whenever they do the, we got to have this, we
757
00:41:09.699 --> 00:41:11.199
got to have the straps, we got to have the
758
00:41:11.260 --> 00:41:13.199
hold downs, we got to have the shear wall, and
759
00:41:13.239 --> 00:41:16.429
I go, why? And they go, we're an earthquake country.
760
00:41:16.449 --> 00:41:19.349
I go, where the fuck was this house? This house
761
00:41:19.409 --> 00:41:21.650
moved to Wyoming during the earthquake and then came back?
762
00:41:22.409 --> 00:41:25.510
It's all, every house, every house in Pasadena that's built
763
00:41:25.550 --> 00:41:29.590
in the teens, it's just earthquake with no anything. Didn't
764
00:41:29.630 --> 00:41:33.429
do anything. Now, what the houses all did was burn down.
765
00:41:34.489 --> 00:41:37.599
That's... Because the gas pipes all burst.
766
00:41:38.260 --> 00:41:40.519
No, no. I mean, they burnt in the Malibu fire
767
00:41:40.719 --> 00:41:43.619
and they burnt. That's because the city didn't handle their shit.
768
00:41:43.739 --> 00:41:43.920
Right.
769
00:41:43.940 --> 00:41:44.940
But that's not the house.
770
00:41:45.159 --> 00:41:45.449
Right.
771
00:41:45.510 --> 00:41:50.489
So they make you rebuild a bunker for earthquakes, but
772
00:41:50.949 --> 00:41:53.289
it's not the earthquake that takes the house. It's the
773
00:41:53.349 --> 00:41:55.489
fire that takes the house down.
774
00:41:55.710 --> 00:41:58.829
Is it true that the houses in the Hollywood Hills...
775
00:41:59.320 --> 00:42:02.199
are built like in stone. And so during the earthquake,
776
00:42:02.219 --> 00:42:05.010
they didn't get the effects that like Hollywood did and
777
00:42:05.030 --> 00:42:05.550
the West side.
778
00:42:05.730 --> 00:42:10.369
No, they just, they're built on granite. I mean, they're
779
00:42:10.389 --> 00:42:13.809
not built on stone, but the mountains don't have the
780
00:42:13.889 --> 00:42:16.840
liquefaction and stuff like that. So it's like the worst,
781
00:42:17.619 --> 00:42:23.119
the thing that hit the hardest in, in the earthquake
782
00:42:23.179 --> 00:42:26.489
in 94 was all along the LA river. Yeah. And
783
00:42:26.530 --> 00:42:30.849
that's where the natural riverbed was. And that did it.
784
00:42:30.969 --> 00:42:32.530
The house in the hills never get affected.
785
00:42:32.909 --> 00:42:34.769
Because I'm in Venice and they told me I'm in
786
00:42:34.809 --> 00:42:36.929
a liquefaction zone.
787
00:42:37.349 --> 00:42:37.630
Yeah.
788
00:42:37.690 --> 00:42:40.010
Well, the thing that was comical, the thing that was
789
00:42:40.090 --> 00:42:46.360
comical is the earthquake. I had my girlfriend who was
790
00:42:46.519 --> 00:42:50.179
a new, a newish girlfriend at the time.
791
00:42:50.920 --> 00:42:51.880
You mean she was really young?
792
00:42:52.210 --> 00:42:56.030
Yeah, she was like 11 at the time. Now she's
793
00:42:57.150 --> 00:43:01.429
almost 21. Well, that's time to move on. So I
794
00:43:01.469 --> 00:43:05.760
had a newish girlfriend, and she spent the night at
795
00:43:05.820 --> 00:43:09.820
my house in La Cunada maybe for the first time.
796
00:43:10.039 --> 00:43:13.440
I don't know. Or maybe it would be a date
797
00:43:13.699 --> 00:43:16.719
in a few months. But she spent the night. And
798
00:43:18.000 --> 00:43:22.000
she's from Minnesota, so she didn't know from earthquakes. And
799
00:43:22.039 --> 00:43:25.280
she was pretty freaked out. And by the way, I
800
00:43:25.340 --> 00:43:28.320
looked it up the other day. The first, the big one,
801
00:43:28.340 --> 00:43:32.889
the two that hit the hardest were 71. That was
802
00:43:33.070 --> 00:43:35.989
like 6.15 in the morning. I was asleep. And the
803
00:43:36.030 --> 00:43:38.409
other one, this one was like 4.15 in the morning.
804
00:43:38.590 --> 00:43:40.949
Everyone was asleep. Like you've got to get fucking freaked
805
00:43:41.090 --> 00:43:42.150
out while you're in bed, right?
806
00:43:42.230 --> 00:43:42.869
It's still dark.
807
00:43:42.929 --> 00:43:45.429
They never fucking hit at noon when you're standing around
808
00:43:45.449 --> 00:43:49.670
and you know what's going on. You're fucking... First, your dream,
809
00:43:49.690 --> 00:43:51.889
you start incorporating, like, what? Am I in a rock
810
00:43:51.929 --> 00:43:56.940
tumbler or something? Anyway, she's totally freaked out, right? So
811
00:43:56.980 --> 00:44:01.539
I go, listen, I've been through these. I'm from here.
812
00:44:01.559 --> 00:44:04.739
I used to do earthquake rehab for a living, which
813
00:44:04.800 --> 00:44:07.989
I did. It's fine. It's fine. It's no big deal.
814
00:44:09.570 --> 00:44:12.550
She goes, what about, you know, my apartment? And I go, no, no,
815
00:44:12.889 --> 00:44:16.469
it's a book. Fallen over, whatever, plate fell to the ground.
816
00:44:16.820 --> 00:44:19.769
It's nothing. I've been through a million. I've been through these,
817
00:44:19.969 --> 00:44:21.690
and I know how houses are built, and I've done
818
00:44:21.730 --> 00:44:26.849
earthquake rehabs fine. Her apartment was in Sherman Oaks right
819
00:44:26.909 --> 00:44:31.440
by it. The river. And her fucking work was in
820
00:44:31.480 --> 00:44:34.559
Sherman Oaks on the Ventura Boulevard, the Rain Tree Cafe,
821
00:44:34.579 --> 00:44:37.320
or the Rainforest Cafe was right where she was a waitress,
822
00:44:37.619 --> 00:44:42.469
was right by the river, too. Both buildings condemned. So
823
00:44:42.929 --> 00:44:45.409
now we're driving back to her apartment, and I'm going,
824
00:44:45.429 --> 00:44:48.030
don't worry about it. It's probably like a book. Something
825
00:44:48.110 --> 00:44:49.889
fell over. It's no big deal. We show up. There's
826
00:44:49.909 --> 00:44:51.610
police tape. Like, you can't go in.
827
00:44:51.610 --> 00:44:52.130
She can't even get in.
828
00:44:52.150 --> 00:44:55.079
Can't go in. So she's like, holy shit, I got
829
00:44:55.099 --> 00:44:57.599
to get my stuff. You can't go in. The building's condemned.
830
00:44:57.780 --> 00:45:00.119
And she's looking at me going, what? Don't you said
831
00:45:00.139 --> 00:45:02.849
there was nothing? I was like, I didn't know the
832
00:45:02.889 --> 00:45:05.710
liquefaction and the river and everything. She goes, all right,
833
00:45:05.730 --> 00:45:07.079
I got to go to work then. I got to.
834
00:45:07.699 --> 00:45:10.219
Goes to work. Work's got police tape in front of it.
835
00:45:10.239 --> 00:45:10.960
You can't go in.
836
00:45:11.260 --> 00:45:12.280
Oh, my God.
837
00:45:12.320 --> 00:45:12.980
That was the longest.
838
00:45:13.000 --> 00:45:14.300
Her whole life gone.
839
00:45:14.380 --> 00:45:17.780
The longest ride ever was back to my place in
840
00:45:17.820 --> 00:45:20.800
La Crescenta with her just arms folded, staring. You said
841
00:45:20.840 --> 00:45:22.880
there was nothing. You said it was going to be fine.
842
00:45:23.980 --> 00:45:25.599
So now we get back to my place.
843
00:45:25.920 --> 00:45:27.000
Which is now her place.
844
00:45:27.400 --> 00:45:29.679
She doesn't have work. And she doesn't have a home.
845
00:45:30.860 --> 00:45:36.090
And her piece of shit Nissan car promptly blows a
846
00:45:36.110 --> 00:45:41.929
head gasket. And she has no money. And my work
847
00:45:42.349 --> 00:45:46.909
gets shut down and I have no money. So now
848
00:45:47.570 --> 00:45:49.309
the two of us are just sitting in a back
849
00:45:49.409 --> 00:45:53.570
room in this house in La Crescenta and she goes,
850
00:45:56.389 --> 00:45:59.340
you know, my mom is coming out from Minnesota. She's
851
00:45:59.360 --> 00:46:03.260
going to stay with me. And she already bought the
852
00:46:03.300 --> 00:46:05.300
plane ticket and everything and she's coming out in a
853
00:46:05.340 --> 00:46:10.980
couple days and can she stay here on the sofa
854
00:46:11.000 --> 00:46:14.039
or something? I got two roommates. Everyone's in their room.
855
00:46:15.019 --> 00:46:19.449
I'm like, yeah, I mean, she already got the plane
856
00:46:19.489 --> 00:46:22.090
ticket and stuff back when, you know, you didn't pick
857
00:46:22.150 --> 00:46:24.309
up your smartphone and do everything. You probably went down
858
00:46:24.329 --> 00:46:27.010
to the fucking airport and wrote the guy check to
859
00:46:27.030 --> 00:46:32.269
get your plane ticket, you know? So I go, yeah. Okay. Okay.
860
00:46:32.889 --> 00:46:33.139
Yeah.
861
00:46:33.659 --> 00:46:38.670
And then I got a disease. Yes, there was a
862
00:46:38.730 --> 00:46:40.650
disease that was.
863
00:46:41.050 --> 00:46:42.010
Boogie-woogie fever?
864
00:46:42.650 --> 00:46:49.110
Yeah, I had to boogie down. Yeah, I went to
865
00:46:49.130 --> 00:46:51.989
the doctor. He told me I had to boogie down.
866
00:46:52.010 --> 00:46:55.590
I love all those songs where they go out. I
867
00:46:55.630 --> 00:46:57.510
went to the doctor, and the doctor said it's a
868
00:46:57.530 --> 00:46:59.869
boogie blues, and I had to boogie down. I don't
869
00:46:59.909 --> 00:47:03.210
know this physician. Is he board certified, really? I've seen
870
00:47:03.269 --> 00:47:05.280
a lot of it. I've talked to Dr. Drew a lot.
871
00:47:05.300 --> 00:47:06.719
He never told me I need to boogie down.
872
00:47:07.269 --> 00:47:08.659
I went to a doctor and he gave me the
873
00:47:08.699 --> 00:47:11.679
news that I had a bad case 11-year-old.
874
00:47:11.780 --> 00:47:14.800
It was a bad case. Robert Palmer's doctor told you that?
875
00:47:14.840 --> 00:47:15.539
Right, right.
876
00:47:15.679 --> 00:47:20.019
So you can look up. We've looked it up before, Andrew.
877
00:47:20.300 --> 00:47:26.159
There was a disease associated with the earthquake. The earthquake
878
00:47:26.579 --> 00:47:29.199
unleashed a bunch of pollen or something or what are
879
00:47:29.320 --> 00:47:32.190
spores or something. And I literally had.
880
00:47:34.699 --> 00:47:38.900
Like open sores on my face. Is it Valley fever?
881
00:47:38.920 --> 00:47:40.440
Oh yeah. It was.
882
00:47:40.500 --> 00:47:41.840
Yeah. Yeah.
883
00:47:41.860 --> 00:47:44.320
It was, it was cockeyed. Well, you can pronounce it,
884
00:47:44.340 --> 00:47:47.829
but I had what looked like herpes all over my
885
00:47:47.889 --> 00:47:51.710
face and my mouth was like swollen and my face,
886
00:47:51.730 --> 00:47:55.070
I had like lesions on my face and I literally
887
00:47:56.030 --> 00:47:59.110
was night sweats all night. I had no doctor. I
888
00:47:59.130 --> 00:48:02.530
had no money. I had no insurance. I had nothing.
889
00:48:02.949 --> 00:48:05.510
And her fucking car's broken down. It's parked in front
890
00:48:05.530 --> 00:48:07.570
of my house. I can't fix it. We don't have
891
00:48:07.590 --> 00:48:11.309
the money. And my work shut down. Her work shut down.
892
00:48:11.610 --> 00:48:17.250
There's no money. And two days later, and all I'm
893
00:48:17.269 --> 00:48:22.050
doing is sweating through this fever. And I have sores
894
00:48:22.210 --> 00:48:27.030
all over my face. And what was this thing called?
895
00:48:27.909 --> 00:48:30.750
I can't even pronounce what this is. what this is.
896
00:48:30.829 --> 00:48:33.280
Your dad was a, is a doctor. He can pronounce it,
897
00:48:33.289 --> 00:48:36.909
but can you tell me what this disease was? It
898
00:48:36.929 --> 00:48:39.869
was an actual disease. I, I didn't know what I had,
899
00:48:40.630 --> 00:48:42.750
but I, I did know I did not have a
900
00:48:42.789 --> 00:48:45.840
doctor or pharmacist or any money or anything. So I,
901
00:48:45.989 --> 00:48:49.000
I couldn't get ointment or pills or I didn't know.
902
00:48:49.019 --> 00:48:52.000
I just slept. I just slept in a palm of
903
00:48:52.019 --> 00:48:56.150
my own sweat. I just wrote everything out. Um, I
904
00:48:56.309 --> 00:48:58.730
think I have a great immune system now because I've
905
00:48:58.829 --> 00:49:01.969
never taken an antibiotic or anything. I just literally sweat
906
00:49:02.010 --> 00:49:09.019
it out. Can you pronounce this? Coccyodoid mycosis. Right, which
907
00:49:09.099 --> 00:49:12.480
is valley fever, which was unleashed during the earthquake, right?
908
00:49:12.500 --> 00:49:14.110
Valley fever sounds a lot Yeah.
909
00:49:14.650 --> 00:49:15.210
Yeah.
910
00:49:15.230 --> 00:49:15.349
Yeah.
911
00:49:15.389 --> 00:49:19.909
Robert Palmer's doctor told me I had that. So I'm
912
00:49:19.929 --> 00:49:21.949
like covered in sweat and I have lesions all over
913
00:49:21.989 --> 00:49:24.739
my face and I haven't slept in four days and
914
00:49:24.780 --> 00:49:29.340
I'm running this temperature and my girlfriend's car's broken down
915
00:49:29.380 --> 00:49:30.940
in front of our house. I have no money. She
916
00:49:30.960 --> 00:49:33.300
has no money. We have no job. And it's 1990.
917
00:49:33.300 --> 00:49:37.699
I have nothing. I'm not, the career's not working. Now
918
00:49:37.719 --> 00:49:41.010
that I got roommates and it's like, on the door
919
00:49:41.769 --> 00:49:43.909
and I just opened the front door and it's her
920
00:49:43.949 --> 00:49:47.030
mom like standing with a suitcase. And she just looks
921
00:49:47.150 --> 00:49:50.570
up at me and goes, what the fuck happened to you?
922
00:49:50.590 --> 00:49:54.289
And I'm like, I got some kind of disease or something.
923
00:49:54.309 --> 00:50:00.079
She's like, you're my daughter's boyfriend. I go, yeah. What,
924
00:50:01.420 --> 00:50:04.519
what the fuck? I go, I don't know what it is.
925
00:50:04.539 --> 00:50:07.239
I got some kind of disease or something. She's you're
926
00:50:07.900 --> 00:50:12.150
sleeping with my, Daughter? You're with my daughter? I go, yeah,
927
00:50:12.530 --> 00:50:17.260
I don't. She goes, what the fuck is going on
928
00:50:17.300 --> 00:50:20.429
around here? I go, I just go, hey, bitch. I
929
00:50:20.429 --> 00:50:22.340
don't have fucking time for this shit. You have no
930
00:50:22.519 --> 00:50:24.760
fucking idea what I'm dealing with. So you want to
931
00:50:24.800 --> 00:50:26.820
fucking put your fat ass on the sofa and get
932
00:50:26.840 --> 00:50:29.579
the fuck out of here. Cause I'm not, I'm no
933
00:50:30.219 --> 00:50:32.840
fucking mood for this. I mean, no fucking mood. I
934
00:50:32.880 --> 00:50:35.530
have no fucking money. Your daughter's car is broken down.
935
00:50:35.929 --> 00:50:38.809
She has no fucking money. Her work's closed. Her apartment's closed.
936
00:50:39.090 --> 00:50:41.309
My fucking work's closed. And I got nothing.
937
00:50:41.469 --> 00:50:44.050
Every hotel is booked up in LA cause of the earthquake.
938
00:50:44.070 --> 00:50:45.210
She's got nowhere to go.
939
00:50:46.690 --> 00:50:49.340
She doesn't have any fucking money either. I, I, I,
940
00:50:50.280 --> 00:50:55.960
It was the greatest. Wow. It was a rock bottom
941
00:50:56.239 --> 00:50:57.360
moment for me.
942
00:50:57.719 --> 00:50:59.639
Did you throw a move on the mother that weekend?
943
00:51:00.260 --> 00:51:01.550
Balls deep.
944
00:51:01.730 --> 00:51:03.210
She had the night fever.
945
00:51:03.409 --> 00:51:08.630
She had the night fever. I had literally bottomed out.
946
00:51:08.650 --> 00:51:11.889
I was like... I don't know what to do. My
947
00:51:11.949 --> 00:51:15.010
career's not taking– I got nothing. I got lesions on
948
00:51:15.030 --> 00:51:17.190
my face, and I don't even know who– I don't
949
00:51:17.210 --> 00:51:18.989
have a doctor. And I'm just going to sit in
950
00:51:19.030 --> 00:51:23.559
my room with the door closed. And that was in–
951
00:51:24.409 --> 00:51:29.929
I think it was in February of 94. I met
952
00:51:30.050 --> 00:51:34.239
Jimmy in April of 94. And was a millionaire like
953
00:51:34.389 --> 00:51:34.949
a year later.
954
00:51:35.030 --> 00:51:35.250
Yeah.
955
00:51:35.610 --> 00:51:38.389
It all fucking just all worked out. But I had
956
00:51:38.630 --> 00:51:40.269
bottomed the fuck out.
957
00:51:40.570 --> 00:51:40.889
Damn.
958
00:51:40.909 --> 00:51:41.809
I was done.
959
00:51:42.070 --> 00:51:42.309
Yeah.
960
00:51:42.510 --> 00:51:45.730
It was nothing. I had no money, no insurance, bunch
961
00:51:45.769 --> 00:51:49.269
of roommates, shitty Zuzu Trooper.
962
00:51:49.289 --> 00:51:50.210
That's who you're driving?
963
00:51:50.289 --> 00:51:50.670
Yeah.
964
00:51:50.989 --> 00:51:54.150
And a girlfriend with a blown head gasket on her Nissan.
965
00:51:54.889 --> 00:51:56.789
What was the wardrobe like back then?
966
00:51:57.489 --> 00:52:03.840
For me? Yeah. I taught boxing for a living, and
967
00:52:03.860 --> 00:52:06.440
I was a carpenter for a living back then. So
968
00:52:06.460 --> 00:52:10.260
it was always just a T-shirt and whatever, because that's
969
00:52:10.320 --> 00:52:12.889
how I worked. And I never went out anywhere. I
970
00:52:13.110 --> 00:52:15.369
never did anything. I didn't have any money, so I
971
00:52:15.389 --> 00:52:20.289
didn't have a suit. It was always just fucking sweatpants
972
00:52:20.329 --> 00:52:28.679
and a T-shirt or something. I didn't have... First... I
973
00:52:28.699 --> 00:52:32.789
think the only time... I bought a sport coat with
974
00:52:32.909 --> 00:52:35.469
Jimmy in New York when we were there for the
975
00:52:35.550 --> 00:52:38.170
upfronts for the man show. It was like the first,
976
00:52:38.230 --> 00:52:41.409
like I'd like to compile a coffee table book of
977
00:52:41.449 --> 00:52:44.210
Jimmy Kimmel being wrong. You know, he goes to me,
978
00:52:44.650 --> 00:52:46.630
we're in New York. He goes, we're going to upfront somewhere.
979
00:52:46.670 --> 00:52:48.840
I go, yeah. He goes, what are you going to wear?
980
00:52:49.070 --> 00:52:51.860
I go, I got this like short sleeve button up,
981
00:52:52.090 --> 00:52:53.960
short sleeve button up. This is the upfronts. You need
982
00:52:54.000 --> 00:52:56.460
a coat. You need a jacket. I go, it's the
983
00:52:56.500 --> 00:52:59.840
man show, Jimmy. He goes, Yeah, but this is up front.
984
00:52:59.860 --> 00:53:02.280
This is New York City, man. You've got to fucking
985
00:53:02.320 --> 00:53:05.570
go get a coat. I go, oh, I don't have
986
00:53:05.610 --> 00:53:07.309
a blazer or anything. I said, well, we've got to
987
00:53:07.349 --> 00:53:09.769
go get you one. He goes, oh, okay. We went
988
00:53:09.809 --> 00:53:12.590
down to some place, you know, Lloyd's of Beverly Hills,
989
00:53:12.699 --> 00:53:15.199
and went in there and fucking paid $ 500 for a
990
00:53:15.559 --> 00:53:19.039
fucking tweed jacket or something. We showed up at the gig,
991
00:53:19.059 --> 00:53:21.300
and we walked in, and the Comedy Central people were there,
992
00:53:21.320 --> 00:53:23.699
and they're like, what are you guys wearing jacks for?
993
00:53:23.739 --> 00:53:26.420
This is a man show. I looked at Jimmy. I
994
00:53:26.519 --> 00:53:29.300
was like, fuck, great. Fucking 500 bucks. By the way,
995
00:53:29.500 --> 00:53:31.059
I had to wear that thing for the next five
996
00:53:31.119 --> 00:53:33.500
years because I paid so much for it. Yeah. I
997
00:53:33.519 --> 00:53:34.780
never owned one. But I think that was like my
998
00:53:34.840 --> 00:53:35.599
first jacket.
999
00:53:36.239 --> 00:53:39.530
And were all the, what were the girls' names on
1000
00:53:39.570 --> 00:53:40.110
the man show?
1001
00:53:40.289 --> 00:53:40.909
The Juggies?
1002
00:53:40.929 --> 00:53:42.130
Were the Juggies in gowns?
1003
00:53:42.530 --> 00:53:43.710
They were in ball gowns.
1004
00:53:43.869 --> 00:53:44.210
Yeah.
1005
00:53:44.570 --> 00:53:50.530
Mm-hmm. Stilettos? Yeah. They were dressed like antebellum types, you know,
1006
00:53:50.570 --> 00:53:54.630
like from old, old, old. Old-timey stuff. They could get
1007
00:53:54.650 --> 00:53:55.750
into trouble today for that.
1008
00:53:55.949 --> 00:53:56.429
Right.
1009
00:53:56.469 --> 00:53:59.480
But back then, it was like a sorority in the South.
1010
00:53:59.760 --> 00:54:00.099
Jesus.
1011
00:54:00.300 --> 00:54:02.460
No, they weren't there. I think it was just me
1012
00:54:02.500 --> 00:54:06.969
and Jimmy, maybe Daniel. It was all so new, you
1013
00:54:06.989 --> 00:54:08.820
know what I mean? Remember that? Remember when you were
1014
00:54:08.860 --> 00:54:10.840
young and stuff? It was like, whoa, look at this place.
1015
00:54:10.960 --> 00:54:15.639
New York City, everybody. Holy shit. I was like a kid.
1016
00:54:16.239 --> 00:54:19.400
Jimmy would be like, I was an adult, but I
1017
00:54:19.420 --> 00:54:22.780
never left my house. I mean, I lived with poor
1018
00:54:22.840 --> 00:54:25.960
people in North Hollywood. Jimmy's like, that's a sky porter.
1019
00:54:26.000 --> 00:54:27.880
You got to tip that guy. He gets your bag
1020
00:54:27.920 --> 00:54:29.659
and takes it. What's he doing with the bag? He
1021
00:54:29.719 --> 00:54:31.920
takes the bag, but you got to give him 10 bucks.
1022
00:54:31.980 --> 00:54:35.699
I'll take the bag. I'm like, okay, that's a Porter.
1023
00:54:35.719 --> 00:54:38.750
I got to tip that guy. I was like the
1024
00:54:38.789 --> 00:54:40.150
fucking Beverly Hillbillies.
1025
00:54:40.170 --> 00:54:42.570
I remember coming out to LA the first time I got,
1026
00:54:42.869 --> 00:54:45.050
I got a little development deal out of the comedy,
1027
00:54:45.369 --> 00:54:48.670
the Montreal comedy festival. I'm like 29 years old. And
1028
00:54:48.690 --> 00:54:51.929
I come out to LA and I rent a Mustang convertible.
1029
00:54:52.329 --> 00:54:55.929
And there was this brand new Beastie Boys CD.
1030
00:54:55.570 --> 00:54:55.920
That was out.
1031
00:54:55.929 --> 00:54:58.989
I can't remember which one. And I was just top down,
1032
00:54:59.250 --> 00:55:02.489
cranking the Beastie Boys, staying at a fancy hotel on Sunset.
1033
00:55:02.630 --> 00:55:06.250
And I pull up to a stoplight and Artie Lang
1034
00:55:06.289 --> 00:55:08.909
was there. And he goes, hey, I'm staying at the
1035
00:55:09.030 --> 00:55:12.380
Four Seasons poker game tonight, room 306.
1036
00:55:12.380 --> 00:55:12.739
Wow.
1037
00:55:12.860 --> 00:55:14.380
And so I bring a buddy and we go to
1038
00:55:14.460 --> 00:55:17.820
Artie's and there's all these celebrities there. And we played
1039
00:55:17.860 --> 00:55:20.739
poker and he just kept emptying the mini fridge. And
1040
00:55:20.760 --> 00:55:23.039
then they'd call room service and they'd come refill the
1041
00:55:23.059 --> 00:55:23.599
mini fridge.
1042
00:55:24.099 --> 00:55:24.260
Yeah.
1043
00:55:24.340 --> 00:55:28.360
And we just get... Drinking all night. And then somebody
1044
00:55:28.380 --> 00:55:33.679
had cocaine. And I was like, this is unbelievable. And
1045
00:55:33.699 --> 00:55:35.960
I just remember leaving L.A. And I was really looking
1046
00:55:35.980 --> 00:55:37.579
out the plane window as we pulled away. And I
1047
00:55:37.619 --> 00:55:41.519
was like, yeah, that's everything I dreamed it would be
1048
00:55:41.579 --> 00:55:42.780
the first time I came out here.
1049
00:55:43.280 --> 00:55:43.619
Yeah.
1050
00:55:44.219 --> 00:55:49.829
Yeah. I've had a few mini fridge raids, parties we've done.
1051
00:55:49.849 --> 00:55:54.239
I can't remember where, but I've... I am to this
1052
00:55:54.320 --> 00:55:58.199
day scared to touch anything in a mini fridge. Yeah.
1053
00:55:58.300 --> 00:55:59.969
Well, now if you move it, they charge you.
1054
00:56:00.000 --> 00:56:01.400
Yes, yes, yes.
1055
00:56:01.480 --> 00:56:02.940
So if there's an earthquake, that's $ 350.
1056
00:56:02.820 --> 00:56:08.519
Yeah, you're screwed. Yeah. So, yeah, I haven't seen Artie
1057
00:56:08.559 --> 00:56:10.030
in a while. Have you seen Artie in a while?
1058
00:56:10.119 --> 00:56:12.909
No, I hear he's doing okay, though. I don't know
1059
00:56:12.949 --> 00:56:14.889
if he has his own podcast, but he's definitely going
1060
00:56:15.050 --> 00:56:15.949
on podcasts.
1061
00:56:16.550 --> 00:56:20.050
I feel like I saw him somewhere recently.
1062
00:56:20.170 --> 00:56:22.409
I think he got nose reconstruction surgery.
1063
00:56:23.340 --> 00:56:26.820
We should get Artie Lank. Everyone loves Artie.
1064
00:56:27.099 --> 00:56:31.340
The greatest guy. And I really think maybe the best
1065
00:56:31.400 --> 00:56:33.539
storyteller I've ever known in my life.
1066
00:56:33.760 --> 00:56:34.360
He's great.
1067
00:56:34.400 --> 00:56:37.920
He has total recall on the details. He knows if
1068
00:56:38.199 --> 00:56:41.159
you said something a certain way, he'll remember the wording
1069
00:56:41.260 --> 00:56:43.070
of a punchline in a story that happened.
1070
00:56:43.340 --> 00:56:50.960
He is probably the funniest guy who probably... got the
1071
00:56:51.039 --> 00:56:54.659
least out of it in terms of, I like to
1072
00:56:54.699 --> 00:56:58.940
describe it this way. Now, we know who he is
1073
00:56:59.039 --> 00:57:01.159
and he made money and he was on Stern and
1074
00:57:01.280 --> 00:57:07.630
all that stuff. But what you do is, in the
1075
00:57:07.690 --> 00:57:12.949
car world, there's two kinds of horsepower. They go, how
1076
00:57:12.989 --> 00:57:16.750
much horsepower is that engine making today? at the crank,
1077
00:57:16.829 --> 00:57:19.070
they'll say, or the flywheel. That's just sort of how
1078
00:57:19.130 --> 00:57:21.730
much horsepower does that engine have. And maybe it has
1079
00:57:21.730 --> 00:57:23.849
500 horsepower. So you go, that's a lot of horsepower.
1080
00:57:24.739 --> 00:57:26.820
But the real question is how much does it make
1081
00:57:26.860 --> 00:57:30.639
to the rear wheels? And the rear wheels, it's always
1082
00:57:30.760 --> 00:57:33.940
less because it gets scrubbed off going through the transmission
1083
00:57:33.980 --> 00:57:36.969
and through the differential and axles and stuff like that.
1084
00:57:37.909 --> 00:57:41.099
But what you're looking for It's never going to be,
1085
00:57:41.159 --> 00:57:44.239
I got a 500 horsepower engine and 500 to the
1086
00:57:44.280 --> 00:57:47.119
rear wheels. It'll never be. But it's a percentage. And
1087
00:57:47.139 --> 00:57:50.150
you don't want that much scrubbed off. Something is wrong
1088
00:57:50.690 --> 00:57:53.269
if you're scrubbing it off. So you go, I got
1089
00:57:53.289 --> 00:57:56.849
a 500 horsepower engine and I'm making 433 to the
1090
00:57:56.909 --> 00:57:59.519
rear end. And you go, that's pretty good. That car's
1091
00:57:59.940 --> 00:58:05.610
an efficient race car, whatever. And then... They're guys that
1092
00:58:05.630 --> 00:58:08.269
we know in this business that don't have a 500-horsepower
1093
00:58:08.349 --> 00:58:11.320
engine and somehow are getting a lot to the rear wheels.
1094
00:58:11.360 --> 00:58:12.900
You know, you go, that guy's not that funny or
1095
00:58:12.960 --> 00:58:15.179
that talented or that whatever, but he's getting a lot.
1096
00:58:15.500 --> 00:58:17.519
Oh, the wheels being how the career is going.
1097
00:58:17.739 --> 00:58:20.159
Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what's usable.
1098
00:58:20.380 --> 00:58:20.719
Right.
1099
00:58:20.739 --> 00:58:25.730
Because you can't use what a 500-horsepower engine sitting in
1100
00:58:25.769 --> 00:58:29.409
a crate or not attached to anything doesn't do anything.
1101
00:58:29.449 --> 00:58:33.960
You can't propel the car. I know guys, and like
1102
00:58:34.099 --> 00:58:36.820
Artie's one of them, who probably like has a thousand
1103
00:58:36.860 --> 00:58:41.429
horsepower engine, but 125 horsepower coming out the rear wheels,
1104
00:58:41.809 --> 00:58:45.110
which is he's just never been able... And I know
1105
00:58:45.349 --> 00:58:50.210
addiction is a big issue, obviously. But we all know
1106
00:58:50.269 --> 00:58:53.489
those guys where you go, that's the funniest... No, not
1107
00:58:53.530 --> 00:58:56.809
the richest, not the most well-known, not the most successful,
1108
00:58:57.289 --> 00:59:00.610
but the funniest. You know, you go that. And then...
1109
00:59:01.210 --> 00:59:04.340
You think about that, and you go, well, that's pretty cool.
1110
00:59:04.800 --> 00:59:07.869
But on the other hand, it's kind of a waste, too,
1111
00:59:07.909 --> 00:59:11.639
because you go, so funny. Why don't my kids know
1112
00:59:11.699 --> 00:59:14.280
who he is? You know what I'm saying? Right.
1113
00:59:14.739 --> 00:59:17.929
I think Colin Quinn is like that. I think Colin
1114
00:59:17.989 --> 00:59:21.030
is one of the funniest human beings. Like every single
1115
00:59:21.090 --> 00:59:23.949
comic in New York, because he doesn't really come out
1116
00:59:23.989 --> 00:59:26.110
here at all. But every comic in New York looks
1117
00:59:26.190 --> 00:59:27.889
at David Tell and Colin Quinn and is like, yeah,
1118
00:59:27.909 --> 00:59:29.630
they're the best. They're the best to do it.
1119
00:59:30.309 --> 00:59:33.269
Right. But Dane Cook has out-earned them tenfold.
1120
00:59:33.389 --> 00:59:33.650
Yes.
1121
00:59:33.829 --> 00:59:34.769
Right. Or whatever.
1122
00:59:35.150 --> 00:59:36.789
Norm MacDonald is another example.
1123
00:59:37.590 --> 00:59:42.360
Yeah. But Norm– yes. Norm is– and I agree with that.
1124
00:59:42.480 --> 00:59:47.929
But Norm did– Get the rear wheels turning. I feel
1125
00:59:48.010 --> 00:59:48.429
like he.
1126
00:59:48.369 --> 00:59:50.909
Didn't want to be speeding. I think he was going
1127
00:59:50.949 --> 00:59:52.070
as fast as he wanted to.
1128
00:59:52.329 --> 00:59:52.570
Yes.
1129
00:59:53.190 --> 00:59:56.690
Yeah, yeah. I agree with that. So I don't look
1130
00:59:56.750 --> 01:00:00.210
at Norm sort of that way because we all– you
1131
01:00:00.230 --> 01:00:02.300
can– pick up your phone and look at a hundred
1132
01:00:02.340 --> 01:00:05.099
hours of Norm clips of him being super funny and
1133
01:00:05.179 --> 01:00:07.199
doing Letterman and all that kind of stuff. And yeah,
1134
01:00:07.260 --> 01:00:10.489
I think not everyone wants to be on a drag strip.
1135
01:00:10.550 --> 01:00:12.809
Some people just want to take a cruise. Yeah. You
1136
01:00:12.829 --> 01:00:14.250
know what I mean? Like that's who they are.
1137
01:00:14.550 --> 01:00:14.730
Yeah.
1138
01:00:14.929 --> 01:00:16.150
And they don't want all that.
1139
01:00:16.269 --> 01:00:18.630
There's a new documentary about Norm. I'm not sure if
1140
01:00:18.690 --> 01:00:19.039
it's out yet.
1141
01:00:19.070 --> 01:00:19.610
I saw it.
1142
01:00:19.710 --> 01:00:19.929
Yeah.
1143
01:00:20.190 --> 01:00:20.619
How is it?
1144
01:00:20.710 --> 01:00:21.809
It's great. Yeah.
1145
01:00:21.829 --> 01:00:22.469
Judd Apatow.
1146
01:00:22.670 --> 01:00:22.849
Yeah.
1147
01:00:23.150 --> 01:00:23.969
It has to be great.
1148
01:00:24.030 --> 01:00:24.219
Yeah.
1149
01:00:24.429 --> 01:00:29.409
Because it's Norm and then it's Judd Apatow doing it. Yeah.
1150
01:00:29.530 --> 01:00:31.210
So how could it not be? Right.
1151
01:00:31.429 --> 01:00:31.630
Great.
1152
01:00:31.710 --> 01:00:36.050
And also, I mean, it has to be a great
1153
01:00:36.090 --> 01:00:39.360
doc because it's just two hours of Norm telling jokes
1154
01:00:39.639 --> 01:00:41.880
and people talking about and stuff like that. But yeah,
1155
01:00:41.940 --> 01:00:44.539
it's really good. Yeah. Yeah. I would look forward to it.
1156
01:00:44.559 --> 01:00:44.739
Yeah.
1157
01:00:44.780 --> 01:00:47.800
And that's when I feel like I've seen everything by
1158
01:00:47.840 --> 01:00:49.579
Norm and then you turn and then you look them
1159
01:00:49.619 --> 01:00:51.980
up on the Internet and you find four more clips
1160
01:00:52.019 --> 01:00:53.389
you've never seen before.
1161
01:00:54.869 --> 01:00:58.190
And or you'll just watch a best of, like listening
1162
01:00:58.210 --> 01:01:02.650
to a great Beatles song for the 500th time. So what?
1163
01:01:02.789 --> 01:01:05.110
It was good when I was 12. It's still good now.
1164
01:01:05.289 --> 01:01:07.250
He came in. I do this benefit every year for
1165
01:01:07.550 --> 01:01:10.349
Best Buddies, and I asked Norm to do it one year.
1166
01:01:10.829 --> 01:01:12.260
And you never know if he's going to show up.
1167
01:01:12.300 --> 01:01:12.969
Yeah, yeah.
1168
01:01:12.989 --> 01:01:15.559
When you invite him, it's like it's 50-50 at best.
1169
01:01:15.780 --> 01:01:15.980
Yeah.
1170
01:01:16.380 --> 01:01:18.820
So he shows up, and Best Buddies helps people with
1171
01:01:18.880 --> 01:01:22.489
intellectual disabilities. So one of the comics on the show–
1172
01:01:22.880 --> 01:01:25.559
is this kid that I kind of mentor, and I
1173
01:01:26.099 --> 01:01:28.219
helped him learn how to do stand-up, and he goes on,
1174
01:01:28.639 --> 01:01:30.519
and he does it every year, and he fucking crushes.
1175
01:01:30.599 --> 01:01:35.099
He's autistic. What do we, how? I'm sorry, what grade
1176
01:01:35.139 --> 01:01:38.320
would we give him? I mean, there's people that are
1177
01:01:38.820 --> 01:01:40.119
completely unfunctional.
1178
01:01:40.360 --> 01:01:40.639
Yes.
1179
01:01:40.840 --> 01:01:42.739
And then there are people that you kind of go,
1180
01:01:43.010 --> 01:01:44.840
the guy seems a little off, but I'm not sure what.
1181
01:01:44.860 --> 01:01:49.690
He's like very little eye contact, no social cues, needs to,
1182
01:01:53.239 --> 01:01:57.900
calm himself. He's learned how to ground himself when he
1183
01:01:57.920 --> 01:02:00.320
starts spinning out because his mind can spin out. And
1184
01:02:00.340 --> 01:02:02.079
he'll go in the next room and he'll sit and
1185
01:02:02.099 --> 01:02:04.480
look at something on his phone. But he comes out
1186
01:02:04.639 --> 01:02:06.679
and his father helps him write the material. Then he
1187
01:02:06.719 --> 01:02:09.960
comes out on stage and he does 10 minutes new material.
1188
01:02:09.960 --> 01:02:14.429
10 minutes of how wide his dad's cock is material?
1189
01:02:14.849 --> 01:02:16.030
How wide his dad's cock is?
1190
01:02:16.030 --> 01:02:17.409
Well, if his dad's writing the material.
1191
01:02:17.570 --> 01:02:18.309
All right.
1192
01:02:19.639 --> 01:02:20.739
My dad's cock.
1193
01:02:20.679 --> 01:02:23.090
Is so— My mom is so sexually satisfied.
1194
01:02:24.010 --> 01:02:25.150
How wide is it?
1195
01:02:26.409 --> 01:02:28.829
And he does really well. So anyway, Norm comes back there,
1196
01:02:29.309 --> 01:02:31.530
and Joe Rogan is on the show. And Norm didn't
1197
01:02:31.590 --> 01:02:35.050
used to smoke much pot, but Joe breaks out a blunt,
1198
01:02:35.210 --> 01:02:37.820
like a big fucking street corner.
1199
01:02:38.159 --> 01:02:39.079
What year is this, sir?
1200
01:02:41.460 --> 01:02:42.739
It was before Norm died.
1201
01:02:43.380 --> 01:02:43.619
Hmm.
1202
01:02:44.019 --> 01:02:44.260
Yeah.
1203
01:02:44.300 --> 01:02:45.619
Yeah, before the death. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1204
01:02:45.920 --> 01:02:45.989
Oh.
1205
01:02:46.559 --> 01:02:49.340
And so Joe starts smoking the blunt, and then he
1206
01:02:49.380 --> 01:02:51.719
gives it to Norm, and Norm starts smoking it like
1207
01:02:51.739 --> 01:02:53.079
it's Bill Cosby with a cigar.
1208
01:02:53.139 --> 01:02:53.420
Right.
1209
01:02:53.639 --> 01:02:56.579
Just keeps taking drags. He doesn't give a shit. And
1210
01:02:56.619 --> 01:03:00.090
then the comedian, Chris Tenney, comes in, and Norm starts
1211
01:03:00.150 --> 01:03:01.570
talking to him, and I'm like, oh, this is going
1212
01:03:01.590 --> 01:03:03.090
to be fucking bad.
1213
01:03:03.230 --> 01:03:03.530
Right.
1214
01:03:04.170 --> 01:03:06.829
And Norm, like, locks in with this kid, and the
1215
01:03:06.849 --> 01:03:08.530
kid is looking Norm right in the eye, and there's
1216
01:03:08.570 --> 01:03:11.610
this kind of magic thing that happens where Norm just
1217
01:03:11.630 --> 01:03:14.739
starts asking him deep questions and And he's hanging on
1218
01:03:14.760 --> 01:03:17.260
the guy's every word. Like he's just, this is just
1219
01:03:17.300 --> 01:03:19.000
like some kind of euphoric moment for him.
1220
01:03:19.019 --> 01:03:20.460
Yeah, yeah.
1221
01:03:20.719 --> 01:03:22.940
And it was beautiful. And then Norm went out on
1222
01:03:23.099 --> 01:03:26.659
stage and would do the first half of a joke
1223
01:03:27.260 --> 01:03:31.070
and then just laugh at himself and then meander. And
1224
01:03:31.110 --> 01:03:34.929
he bombed. And it was the last time I ever
1225
01:03:34.989 --> 01:03:35.809
saw him perform.
1226
01:03:36.730 --> 01:03:40.469
At least you got a great story out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1227
01:03:40.929 --> 01:03:43.369
The getting high and walking out on stage.
1228
01:03:43.449 --> 01:03:43.570
Oh.
1229
01:03:44.210 --> 01:03:47.849
I don't know about that, man. I mean, I get
1230
01:03:48.530 --> 01:03:50.869
a shot and a beer to take the edge off,
1231
01:03:50.949 --> 01:03:54.389
but to getting high, I remember once I was doing
1232
01:03:54.429 --> 01:03:59.519
a benefit. I think it was for Ariana. Oh, wait, Huffington?
1233
01:04:00.059 --> 01:04:01.920
You did a benefit for Ariana Huffington?
1234
01:04:02.019 --> 01:04:04.059
It was a million years ago. It was like Pet
1235
01:04:04.139 --> 01:04:06.539
Rescue or something. I don't remember where it was, but
1236
01:04:06.980 --> 01:04:09.139
it was at the Improv.
1237
01:04:10.340 --> 01:04:10.840
On Melrose.
1238
01:04:11.400 --> 01:04:14.019
And it was all full of comedians and people and whatever.
1239
01:04:14.260 --> 01:04:16.820
And it's a long time ago. And so I was like,
1240
01:04:17.380 --> 01:04:19.000
I'm not really a comedian. I don't really have an
1241
01:04:19.199 --> 01:04:23.210
act back then. Um, so I was like, uh, so
1242
01:04:23.309 --> 01:04:26.329
Bill Maher was like, well, look, I'll tell you what,
1243
01:04:26.670 --> 01:04:30.269
you don't really have a, you know, you're not a standup, but, um,
1244
01:04:30.889 --> 01:04:32.909
why don't we do this? We'll just do Loveline. Like
1245
01:04:32.969 --> 01:04:35.710
I'll be Dr. Drew and you'd be Adam Caron. Let's
1246
01:04:35.750 --> 01:04:40.309
go up there and take questions. And I go, Oh, okay. Um,
1247
01:04:40.690 --> 01:04:45.110
But it's a room of really good comedians who are
1248
01:04:45.150 --> 01:04:48.239
all doing a real tight 10 minutes and crushing. So
1249
01:04:48.340 --> 01:04:50.519
I'm starting to get a little nervous. I don't know
1250
01:04:50.880 --> 01:04:52.380
how this is going to work. I just stand there
1251
01:04:52.400 --> 01:04:55.659
and go, hey, has anyone got any? So I go
1252
01:04:55.679 --> 01:04:59.389
to Bill. I go, don't you think we should work
1253
01:04:59.429 --> 01:05:00.670
it out a little or try to figure out what
1254
01:05:00.710 --> 01:05:04.110
we're doing here before we walk out on stage? He goes, yeah,
1255
01:05:04.130 --> 01:05:05.809
it's a good idea. We should do that. He goes,
1256
01:05:05.869 --> 01:05:07.849
it's so loud in there. I go, what's going on?
1257
01:05:07.889 --> 01:05:08.090
I'm like.
1258
01:05:08.389 --> 01:05:10.650
Two acts or something. He goes, why don't we go outside,
1259
01:05:10.670 --> 01:05:13.130
go up front, hammer this thing out, figure it out,
1260
01:05:13.150 --> 01:05:15.130
get our beats down, we'll come back. We'll do it
1261
01:05:15.150 --> 01:05:17.190
that way. I go, oh, okay, yeah, good, let's do that.
1262
01:05:17.670 --> 01:05:19.989
We go out, we walk down the sidewalk, we go
1263
01:05:20.010 --> 01:05:22.860
to the corner, he lights up a joint, smokes half
1264
01:05:22.880 --> 01:05:24.340
the joint, puts it out, and he goes, all right,
1265
01:05:24.360 --> 01:05:27.000
you want to go back in? I go, okay, we
1266
01:05:27.019 --> 01:05:31.059
didn't talk about anything, and now you're high. That's what
1267
01:05:31.099 --> 01:05:31.579
this was?
1268
01:05:31.599 --> 01:05:39.969
Laughter That's amazing. I think that would be the opposite
1269
01:05:40.050 --> 01:05:42.389
state that I want to be in for stand-up comedy.
1270
01:05:42.650 --> 01:05:42.929
I agree.
1271
01:05:42.969 --> 01:05:48.460
No control, lost, untethered. You know, do you remember the
1272
01:05:48.480 --> 01:05:49.420
story of Doc Ellis?
1273
01:05:50.159 --> 01:05:51.380
Yeah, sure, the pitcher.
1274
01:05:51.619 --> 01:05:54.900
The pitcher who took acid the night before, didn't know
1275
01:05:54.940 --> 01:05:56.619
he was pitching, didn't know he was on the mound
1276
01:05:56.639 --> 01:05:59.860
the next day. The starter was injured. They call him up.
1277
01:06:00.480 --> 01:06:02.489
They hand him the ball, and he walks out, and
1278
01:06:02.530 --> 01:06:04.409
I guess he'd taken the acid at like 4 o'clock
1279
01:06:04.429 --> 01:06:06.829
in the morning. This was a day game. And acid
1280
01:06:06.869 --> 01:06:09.530
lasts a long time if you take enough of it.
1281
01:06:09.690 --> 01:06:09.969
Yes.
1282
01:06:10.590 --> 01:06:13.539
And he went out, and he just started throwing fastballs,
1283
01:06:13.920 --> 01:06:16.840
and he said he didn't see anything except a giant
1284
01:06:16.880 --> 01:06:17.519
catcher's mitt.
1285
01:06:17.820 --> 01:06:18.099
Yeah.
1286
01:06:18.360 --> 01:06:20.920
And nobody talked to him between innings. He was in
1287
01:06:20.940 --> 01:06:21.559
the dugout.
1288
01:06:21.800 --> 01:06:22.260
Mm-hmm.
1289
01:06:22.639 --> 01:06:24.199
And he threw a no-hitter, right?
1290
01:06:24.539 --> 01:06:28.030
I think that was the story. So any kids listening
1291
01:06:28.090 --> 01:06:31.409
should know. Yeah, he threw a no-hitter.
1292
01:06:31.429 --> 01:06:31.690
Right.
1293
01:06:32.949 --> 01:06:37.090
Right. But the reason people bring up the Doc Ellis
1294
01:06:37.110 --> 01:06:41.409
story is because it happened one time and one time only.
1295
01:06:41.789 --> 01:06:43.710
Most of the time, you just get high and drive
1296
01:06:43.730 --> 01:06:47.489
your car off a bridge. That's most of the stories.
1297
01:06:47.590 --> 01:06:50.340
There is a version where you get fucked up and
1298
01:06:50.380 --> 01:06:54.900
hits the stage and jam like a jazz musician from
1299
01:06:54.920 --> 01:06:58.400
the 50s or something. That's once in a while.
1300
01:06:58.719 --> 01:07:02.739
Well, you got Chappelle. Chappelle, I believe, gets high every
1301
01:07:02.780 --> 01:07:03.570
time he goes on stage.
1302
01:07:03.610 --> 01:07:03.949
Really?
1303
01:07:04.570 --> 01:07:07.920
And that seems to work for him, but it's weird.
1304
01:07:08.039 --> 01:07:09.539
I mean, I know a bunch of, I mean, look
1305
01:07:09.599 --> 01:07:12.300
at Seth Rogen. Like, that guy's high all the time,
1306
01:07:12.320 --> 01:07:15.800
and he manages to be one of the busiest actor-producers
1307
01:07:15.860 --> 01:07:20.019
in Hollywood. I, you know, here's what I would say.
1308
01:07:21.219 --> 01:07:25.139
To a young person. I would go, it can work
1309
01:07:25.429 --> 01:07:28.670
for certain people, but it's probably not going to work
1310
01:07:28.750 --> 01:07:29.230
for you.
1311
01:07:29.269 --> 01:07:30.530
Most likely not going to work.
1312
01:07:30.550 --> 01:07:33.489
So why don't we just not get high and go
1313
01:07:33.610 --> 01:07:34.170
on stage?
1314
01:07:35.280 --> 01:07:41.050
I feel like it's weird in this country that you
1315
01:07:41.070 --> 01:07:43.670
call somebody stupid or you're a moron or that guy's
1316
01:07:43.710 --> 01:07:46.489
an idiot. And yet we go out at night at
1317
01:07:46.530 --> 01:07:48.110
a time when you want to be on top of
1318
01:07:48.150 --> 01:07:49.630
your game. You want to talk to women. You want
1319
01:07:49.650 --> 01:07:52.429
to be funny with your friends. And we dumb ourselves down.
1320
01:07:52.469 --> 01:07:53.230
We smoke pot.
1321
01:07:53.469 --> 01:07:55.750
We drink booze. You lose IQ points.
1322
01:07:56.130 --> 01:07:56.389
Yes.
1323
01:07:57.010 --> 01:08:02.440
It's interesting. Yeah. Um, I never really thought of it
1324
01:08:02.500 --> 01:08:05.280
that way, but it's a good, it's an interesting perspective.
1325
01:08:05.340 --> 01:08:08.400
Like it's a good premise for a bit.
1326
01:08:08.639 --> 01:08:10.760
I've tried to do it on stage and guess what happens?
1327
01:08:11.159 --> 01:08:14.800
The crowd bums out because they're all drinking and they're
1328
01:08:14.820 --> 01:08:15.360
all high.
1329
01:08:15.519 --> 01:08:15.820
Yeah, I know.
1330
01:08:15.840 --> 01:08:16.699
And they don't like it.
1331
01:08:17.020 --> 01:08:22.060
I know. I've learned, I learned that about all my good,
1332
01:08:23.180 --> 01:08:24.520
my mom hated me jokes.
1333
01:08:24.739 --> 01:08:25.100
Yeah.
1334
01:08:25.119 --> 01:08:27.579
They get all bummed. The crowd gets so bummed.
1335
01:08:30.170 --> 01:08:30.250
Out.
1336
01:08:30.310 --> 01:08:35.560
They just go, Oh, I was sure. It was true.
1337
01:08:36.000 --> 01:08:38.340
My mom is not buried. I have no idea what
1338
01:08:38.380 --> 01:08:40.319
happened to my mom. This is a true story, but
1339
01:08:40.359 --> 01:08:44.659
I told this joke. And everyone goes, oh. So I
1340
01:08:44.699 --> 01:08:47.520
said to my stepdad, I did about a month later,
1341
01:08:47.560 --> 01:08:52.289
I just go, where'd mom go? Because there's no headstone.
1342
01:08:52.350 --> 01:08:56.670
There's no plot. There's no urn. I don't know where
1343
01:08:56.689 --> 01:09:00.539
she is. She goes, she donated her body to UCLA. Medical.
1344
01:09:01.680 --> 01:09:05.960
So they got her. I go, what were they studying?
1345
01:09:06.020 --> 01:09:11.130
Moms who never loved their sons? And the whole audience goes, aww.
1346
01:09:12.149 --> 01:09:14.560
They always go, aww. And I go, all right, fuck it.
1347
01:09:16.779 --> 01:09:19.819
I did a joke last week where I go, yeah,
1348
01:09:19.960 --> 01:09:20.640
I quit drinking.
1349
01:09:21.479 --> 01:09:23.979
Boo!
1350
01:09:24.000 --> 01:09:26.659
I go, why are you booing me? I go, do
1351
01:09:26.680 --> 01:09:30.180
you realize that I was in a bad place and
1352
01:09:30.220 --> 01:09:33.579
this has helped me? I was drunk. I ran a
1353
01:09:33.779 --> 01:09:38.609
kid over and the kid was crippled. Well, not before
1354
01:09:38.670 --> 01:09:38.989
I hit him.
1355
01:09:40.409 --> 01:09:42.529
And the play's.
1356
01:09:41.850 --> 01:09:46.109
Fucking, oh, yeah. It was bad.
1357
01:09:46.130 --> 01:09:52.579
Yeah, I know. You just learn. It's kind of fun. Yeah.
1358
01:09:52.680 --> 01:09:58.039
I mean, there's the jokes. You like the jokes. The
1359
01:09:58.140 --> 01:10:02.579
one that everyone hates is my joke. Tony Orlando and
1360
01:10:02.619 --> 01:10:06.899
Don tie yellow ribbon one. I'll make it fast because
1361
01:10:06.939 --> 01:10:08.840
I've said it too many times. But it's like he's
1362
01:10:08.899 --> 01:10:12.140
a prisoner. He was in jail for a long time.
1363
01:10:12.199 --> 01:10:14.659
He got out and he didn't know if his true
1364
01:10:14.699 --> 01:10:16.800
love was still going to be there waiting for him.
1365
01:10:16.840 --> 01:10:18.890
And if she did, she should put a ribbon around
1366
01:10:18.939 --> 01:10:21.810
the tree. And he got there and there's 100 yellow
1367
01:10:21.850 --> 01:10:24.010
ribbons around. But what no one knows is why that
1368
01:10:24.029 --> 01:10:32.739
guy was in jail. He raped a nine-year-old. Everyone just goes, oh! Now,
1369
01:10:32.840 --> 01:10:36.970
Fitz Dogg, if the audience was comprised of Fitz Dogg,
1370
01:10:37.430 --> 01:10:41.029
I could do all my Tony Orlando rapist jokes and
1371
01:10:41.210 --> 01:10:44.439
all my fucking sad mom jokes and you'd be laughing, right?
1372
01:10:45.500 --> 01:10:48.880
And I'd do all my Why Salmon Sucks jokes. I
1373
01:10:48.899 --> 01:10:51.300
could do them all if you were the audience.
1374
01:10:54.250 --> 01:10:56.829
Well, that is– I think that's what I do in
1375
01:10:56.930 --> 01:10:59.630
clubs is I'm looking at the– like the comedy story
1376
01:10:59.789 --> 01:11:01.909
in the original room, that back row of seats is
1377
01:11:01.970 --> 01:11:02.840
just comedians.
1378
01:11:03.029 --> 01:11:03.310
Yes.
1379
01:11:03.479 --> 01:11:06.199
And I'm working– 90 percent I'm working for that row.
1380
01:11:06.399 --> 01:11:06.619
Yes.
1381
01:11:08.520 --> 01:11:11.460
Fitz Dog's got dates. I will give those dates at
1382
01:11:11.479 --> 01:11:14.180
the end of the show. You can go to FitzDog.com
1383
01:11:14.199 --> 01:11:16.930
for all the live dates. Great stand-up. Good talking to you,
1384
01:11:16.939 --> 01:11:18.060
my brother. Thanks, Adam.
1385
01:11:18.119 --> 01:11:20.399
Always a pleasure. God bless Paul Bryan.
1386
01:11:20.500 --> 01:11:23.439
Oh, God bless. Back with news and Alicia Krauss right
1387
01:11:23.460 --> 01:11:33.130
after this. O'Reilly Auto Parts. Yeah, man. You guys know O'Reilly.
1388
01:11:33.689 --> 01:11:36.170
What business are they in? Well, they're in the business
1389
01:11:36.189 --> 01:11:39.829
of keeping your car on the road. They're friendly. They're knowledgeable.
1390
01:11:39.890 --> 01:11:45.609
They're parts people. Maintenance, repair, always, always go to O'Reilly.
1391
01:11:45.930 --> 01:11:48.220
They've got thousands of parts, so you never have to
1392
01:11:48.279 --> 01:11:50.760
worry if you're in a jam. The team at O'Reilly
1393
01:11:50.840 --> 01:11:53.960
Auto Parts can test your battery for free, either in
1394
01:11:54.020 --> 01:11:56.960
the car or outside of the car. And if it
1395
01:11:57.000 --> 01:12:00.119
needs to be replaced, well, they'll help you find the
1396
01:12:00.159 --> 01:12:02.750
right battery for your vehicle because they all got different
1397
01:12:02.850 --> 01:12:05.909
ones these days. I know what I'm doing with cars,
1398
01:12:06.569 --> 01:12:10.140
but If there's a novice, I would send that guy
1399
01:12:10.680 --> 01:12:14.819
because O'Reilly's the perfect place to start. They're professional parts people,
1400
01:12:15.510 --> 01:12:18.409
and you can stop by. They've got a lot of stores,
1401
01:12:18.949 --> 01:12:22.109
or if you want to check them out online, you
1402
01:12:22.130 --> 01:12:24.369
can do that. But I recommend the store. I like
1403
01:12:24.409 --> 01:12:27.850
the smell. People are friendly. It's O'Reilly. Right, Dawson?
1404
01:12:28.229 --> 01:12:33.140
Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit us at OReillyAuto.com.
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That's instanthydration.com slash Adam Carolla, promo code Adam Carolla.
1425
01:14:09.560 --> 01:14:11.520
It's time to check Adam's voicemail.
1426
01:14:15.939 --> 01:14:20.060
Adam Carolla, Simon from London, yeah? They say you should
1427
01:14:20.090 --> 01:14:22.850
never meet your heroes, but I've met you and you
1428
01:14:22.890 --> 01:14:26.449
were a fucking delight. Actually, I've met you three times.
1429
01:14:26.470 --> 01:14:28.050
Three times, fool.
1430
01:14:29.260 --> 01:14:29.939
Ah, poor Brian.
1431
01:14:30.420 --> 01:14:31.380
Rest in peace, brother.
1432
01:14:32.220 --> 01:14:35.279
You can leave us a message at 888-634-1744.
1433
01:14:37.680 --> 01:14:43.750
Thanks, mate. Let's see. What you doing, baby? I'm back.
1434
01:14:43.930 --> 01:14:44.449
You're back.
1435
01:14:44.489 --> 01:14:45.130
Did you miss me?
1436
01:14:45.409 --> 01:14:48.430
I always miss you when you're gone. Even sometimes when
1437
01:14:48.449 --> 01:14:52.930
you're here. All right, you got news, so I'll let
1438
01:14:52.939 --> 01:14:54.689
you get right into that, Alicia Krauss.
1439
01:14:54.710 --> 01:14:56.890
I'm getting right into this. This first one, I'm sure,
1440
01:14:56.909 --> 01:14:59.189
is going to get people going in the comments section.
1441
01:15:00.090 --> 01:15:02.529
On first viewing, it makes me really depressed. According to
1442
01:15:02.590 --> 01:15:05.479
our friends over at Fox News, transgender actor Elliot Page
1443
01:15:05.569 --> 01:15:08.239
is one of New York Magazine's cover stars for its
1444
01:15:08.279 --> 01:15:10.460
first ever issue dedicated to men's style.
1445
01:15:11.050 --> 01:15:11.550
Okay.
1446
01:15:11.630 --> 01:15:14.630
The magazine said it has covered men's fashion for decades,
1447
01:15:14.649 --> 01:15:18.489
from a 1971 story asking whether men would wear high heels.
1448
01:15:19.050 --> 01:15:21.270
Hell no. I mean, unless you're a cowboy. We'll get
1449
01:15:21.300 --> 01:15:25.880
into that another time. To a 1996 profile of male supermodels.
1450
01:15:26.239 --> 01:15:28.539
But it has never devoted an entire special issue to
1451
01:15:28.579 --> 01:15:31.760
the subject of men's fashion. For the debut, photographers held
1452
01:15:31.800 --> 01:15:34.090
a fashion shoot where, as the magazine puts it, the
1453
01:15:34.119 --> 01:15:37.149
male stars were wearing some fashion, but also hardly any
1454
01:15:37.189 --> 01:15:37.430
at all.
1455
01:15:38.789 --> 01:15:42.409
All right, so... Here's my whole thing with all this.
1456
01:15:43.590 --> 01:15:47.810
I'm not interested. I don't want to know about it.
1457
01:15:47.850 --> 01:15:50.810
When you're making the announcements that your son is gay
1458
01:15:50.890 --> 01:15:53.569
or something, I don't give a fuck. Shut up. Just
1459
01:15:53.630 --> 01:15:56.310
keep it to yourself. Whatever. I feel the same way
1460
01:15:56.340 --> 01:16:01.960
about tattoos and nose rings and stuff. I'm just not interested.
1461
01:16:02.319 --> 01:16:06.140
Get Elliot Page's scrawny shirtless ass off the thing. It
1462
01:16:06.319 --> 01:16:07.079
nauseates me.
1463
01:16:07.140 --> 01:16:10.310
But Can we get Chris Pratt from Holmesworth?
1464
01:16:10.329 --> 01:16:13.510
I don't want to get sucked into your fucking world.
1465
01:16:13.789 --> 01:16:17.409
I don't. Take your stupid Palestine flag off the back
1466
01:16:17.430 --> 01:16:18.069
of your car.
1467
01:16:18.189 --> 01:16:21.340
Is it just the political commentary or like LGBTQ commentary?
1468
01:16:21.350 --> 01:16:23.520
You don't care what celebrities think at all. Like you
1469
01:16:23.539 --> 01:16:25.300
don't want to listen to an interview with Brad Pitt.
1470
01:16:25.960 --> 01:16:30.359
No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is your
1471
01:16:30.500 --> 01:16:34.869
world– I don't want to be exposed to your world.
1472
01:16:35.069 --> 01:16:37.710
I don't want to know anything about you. I don't
1473
01:16:37.850 --> 01:16:40.960
want to know. You can drive. There are assholes out
1474
01:16:41.000 --> 01:16:43.319
there that drive the Subarus and they get their little
1475
01:16:43.720 --> 01:16:46.619
bumper sticker badges. They get little badges to let you
1476
01:16:46.680 --> 01:16:49.159
know what they're into. And they're like, oh, they're into
1477
01:16:49.199 --> 01:16:52.279
hiking and dog rescue and flossing and whatever the fuck
1478
01:16:52.310 --> 01:16:54.369
they're into. I'm like, I don't need to know this
1479
01:16:54.510 --> 01:16:57.609
about you. And neither does anybody else. We're just folks
1480
01:16:57.710 --> 01:17:01.869
on a... on the highway of life, literally, behind you
1481
01:17:02.010 --> 01:17:05.550
in traffic, and now I have to see that you
1482
01:17:06.090 --> 01:17:10.029
have a Tesla, but you're angry at Elon. So you
1483
01:17:10.069 --> 01:17:12.649
have a Tesla thing, but you also have Elon with
1484
01:17:12.729 --> 01:17:15.220
a slash going through his name, or you got this
1485
01:17:15.340 --> 01:17:19.180
before Elon went crazy. Shut up, you're an adult. You're
1486
01:17:19.180 --> 01:17:21.939
56 years old. Who gives a shit?
1487
01:17:22.119 --> 01:17:25.380
I actually think it shows how narcissistic they are, that
1488
01:17:25.420 --> 01:17:28.600
they assume that you are going to judge them It
1489
01:17:28.680 --> 01:17:31.199
actually shows two things, how narcissistic and how judgmental they are.
1490
01:17:31.220 --> 01:17:33.420
It shows how narcissistic that they are, that they think
1491
01:17:33.460 --> 01:17:36.029
a total stranger on the 101 gives a shit about
1492
01:17:36.210 --> 01:17:38.479
why they're driving a Tesla or when they bought it.
1493
01:17:38.989 --> 01:17:41.829
And two, it shows that they would judge you for
1494
01:17:42.189 --> 01:17:44.149
not knowing anything about you, not even seeing who you
1495
01:17:44.189 --> 01:17:46.439
are behind the tint in your Tesla, but they're going
1496
01:17:46.460 --> 01:17:48.300
to judge you because you also have a Tesla because
1497
01:17:48.319 --> 01:17:49.720
they're just judgmental jerks.
1498
01:17:50.500 --> 01:17:52.920
I don't want to know. And by the way, I
1499
01:17:52.979 --> 01:17:57.279
don't want you... You being a woman, you being a
1500
01:17:57.300 --> 01:17:59.920
woman of color, you being black, you being gay, I
1501
01:17:59.960 --> 01:18:02.199
don't want it to be your world either. It shouldn't
1502
01:18:02.239 --> 01:18:04.640
have anything to do with you and your world. This
1503
01:18:04.720 --> 01:18:10.090
is our problem. We have Kamala Harris because Biden decided
1504
01:18:10.130 --> 01:18:13.130
he needed a black female to be vice president, and
1505
01:18:13.170 --> 01:18:15.750
now we all got exposed to her. And now we
1506
01:18:15.770 --> 01:18:18.689
have to listen. Yes, now we have to be ruled
1507
01:18:18.729 --> 01:18:21.289
by dopes because you guys are on some sort of
1508
01:18:21.310 --> 01:18:26.170
affirmative action world where you go, my... Trans, gay, I
1509
01:18:26.210 --> 01:18:30.130
don't care. Nobody cares. And the reality is nobody gives
1510
01:18:30.210 --> 01:18:36.300
a shit. They can't accept that. The ultimate– here's the thing.
1511
01:18:37.739 --> 01:18:42.220
Hating people, liking people, embracing people, the ultimate thing that
1512
01:18:42.279 --> 01:18:49.970
a narcissist can't tolerate is nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares, Macklin.
1513
01:18:50.800 --> 01:18:53.859
Nobody cares. Just shut up and do whatever you're doing.
1514
01:18:55.840 --> 01:19:00.319
By the way, if there's a celebrity that's an interesting
1515
01:19:00.359 --> 01:19:03.989
person and they get interviewed and they talk about what
1516
01:19:04.029 --> 01:19:06.350
it was like filming the movie or whatever, well, fine.
1517
01:19:06.430 --> 01:19:08.500
That's fine. We can listen to that or not listen
1518
01:19:08.520 --> 01:19:08.720
to that.
1519
01:19:08.739 --> 01:19:10.680
So, like, you would pay attention to Elliot Page talking
1520
01:19:10.760 --> 01:19:13.970
what it's like working with, you know, Christopher Nolan.
1521
01:19:14.119 --> 01:19:14.319
Yes.
1522
01:19:14.649 --> 01:19:16.949
Like, what's it like trying to bring this epic to life?
1523
01:19:17.050 --> 01:19:18.710
I would have, but now I don't want to hear
1524
01:19:18.810 --> 01:19:20.489
anything it has to say.
1525
01:19:20.810 --> 01:19:20.970
Okay.
1526
01:19:21.010 --> 01:19:26.069
She, he, them, her, us. I don't want to hear anything.
1527
01:19:26.220 --> 01:19:27.779
So you will not be going out to buying it
1528
01:19:28.159 --> 01:19:30.979
and taking any male fashion advice from Elliot?
1529
01:19:31.060 --> 01:19:33.300
Not only that, but this is the equivalent to a
1530
01:19:33.359 --> 01:19:36.439
few years ago when Dove Soap was putting all the
1531
01:19:36.520 --> 01:19:39.430
fat chicks in their underpants going, it's the new beauty. No,
1532
01:19:39.470 --> 01:19:41.729
it's not. It never works. We don't want any of
1533
01:19:41.770 --> 01:19:44.729
that shit. We want titties. We want blonde titties.
1534
01:19:44.750 --> 01:19:48.109
Hey, turns out big girls often have large titties. And
1535
01:19:48.170 --> 01:19:49.909
as we know on this show, you don't think a
1536
01:19:49.949 --> 01:19:51.750
woman can be the fairest in the land unless she
1537
01:19:51.789 --> 01:19:52.609
has big ta-tas.
1538
01:19:53.149 --> 01:19:53.350
Nope.
1539
01:19:54.109 --> 01:19:55.010
Never said that.
1540
01:19:55.029 --> 01:19:58.250
Peter Nyong'o and I cannot ever be the fairest in
1541
01:19:58.270 --> 01:20:00.329
the land because we do not have the double Ds.
1542
01:20:00.430 --> 01:20:03.390
Cannot pass off an A cup as the most beautiful
1543
01:20:03.449 --> 01:20:06.170
woman in the land. You can be cute. There'll be
1544
01:20:06.210 --> 01:20:06.810
a man who'll take you.
1545
01:20:06.829 --> 01:20:09.739
I don't think Diane Kruger had big ta-tas, but.
1546
01:20:10.579 --> 01:20:11.920
Diane Kruger.
1547
01:20:11.960 --> 01:20:14.199
She was Helen of Troy in Troy with Brad Pitt.
1548
01:20:14.739 --> 01:20:19.539
Here's the rule. The rule is... Let's not go down
1549
01:20:19.560 --> 01:20:24.149
this road. You can have... A modest cup size, but
1550
01:20:24.189 --> 01:20:28.270
you can't be flat as a board and be considered
1551
01:20:28.689 --> 01:20:31.960
one of the most beautiful women in the world. No,
1552
01:20:31.979 --> 01:20:35.579
to everybody. Guys, it's not. Your titties are half a woman.
1553
01:20:36.520 --> 01:20:37.199
What is a woman?
1554
01:20:38.000 --> 01:20:41.239
Well, you got Elliot Page over here with no titties now.
1555
01:20:42.359 --> 01:20:46.909
It actually, like, I... cringed a little when I saw
1556
01:20:46.949 --> 01:20:50.310
the photo. I'm like, this is somebody that used to have, like,
1557
01:20:50.489 --> 01:20:53.020
all female parts that has now undergone the surgeries to
1558
01:20:53.079 --> 01:20:56.640
change their body. And, like, it makes me sad for
1559
01:20:56.680 --> 01:20:57.239
that person.
1560
01:20:57.500 --> 01:21:00.000
And I agree. And it makes me sadder that we
1561
01:21:00.039 --> 01:21:03.279
have to talk about everybody in this all the time. Like,
1562
01:21:03.399 --> 01:21:07.489
my adult life. Like, if somebody said to me, like,
1563
01:21:07.529 --> 01:21:10.829
when I was, like, 24, this one, Adam, I got
1564
01:21:10.890 --> 01:21:13.029
good news and I got bad news.
1565
01:21:13.340 --> 01:21:13.720
Good news.
1566
01:21:13.739 --> 01:21:15.359
You have an award-winning podcast.
1567
01:21:15.439 --> 01:21:18.079
Lots of listeners. Here's the goodness. Good news. You're going
1568
01:21:18.100 --> 01:21:20.960
to be rich. You're going to have race cars. You're
1569
01:21:21.000 --> 01:21:23.310
going to race those race cars. And you're going to
1570
01:21:23.319 --> 01:21:25.130
live in a cool house. And you can build that house.
1571
01:21:25.149 --> 01:21:27.310
You have money to build that house. I'd go, that's good.
1572
01:21:27.350 --> 01:21:30.229
What's the downside? You are going to be talking about
1573
01:21:30.250 --> 01:21:34.630
the transgender community. And between that, you're going to be
1574
01:21:34.649 --> 01:21:38.520
trying to– pronounce names of terrorist organizations from the Middle East,
1575
01:21:38.939 --> 01:21:40.319
and you're going to have a nonstop argument about that.
1576
01:21:40.340 --> 01:21:42.060
Not just from the Middle East, at America's universities.
1577
01:21:42.079 --> 01:21:45.720
Everywhere, everywhere. Well, they've been franchised. So the good news
1578
01:21:45.800 --> 01:21:47.439
is you're going to be rich, and you're going to
1579
01:21:47.460 --> 01:21:49.600
race cars. The bad news is you're going to spend
1580
01:21:49.640 --> 01:21:52.579
every fucking waking moment arguing with retarded people about the
1581
01:21:52.619 --> 01:21:56.840
transgender community and Boko Haram, or whoever it is that
1582
01:21:56.899 --> 01:21:58.340
you don't even know how to pronounce. You're going to
1583
01:21:58.359 --> 01:21:59.939
have to figure that out, because that's what we're going
1584
01:21:59.960 --> 01:22:01.880
to talk about. And I'm going to be like, that's
1585
01:22:01.920 --> 01:22:02.500
the future?
1586
01:22:02.520 --> 01:22:02.699
Yeah.
1587
01:22:03.960 --> 01:22:05.960
Yeah, that's pretty much it. That's 30 years away? That's
1588
01:22:06.000 --> 01:22:08.039
pretty much it. That's pretty much what we're dealing with.
1589
01:22:08.239 --> 01:22:11.920
Well, also, they'd say, and this gal, AOC, a bartender
1590
01:22:11.960 --> 01:22:13.659
from the Bronx that's not really from the Bronx, you're
1591
01:22:13.680 --> 01:22:14.739
going to be talking about her, too.
1592
01:22:14.760 --> 01:22:17.380
You've got a lot of dopey people in positions of
1593
01:22:17.420 --> 01:22:19.840
power making a lot of super shitty decisions.
1594
01:22:20.000 --> 01:22:23.800
So AOC has issued a fiery warning. This was from
1595
01:22:23.859 --> 01:22:26.090
our friends again over at Fox News on X. At
1596
01:22:26.100 --> 01:22:28.170
a New York town hall, she declared that ICE is
1597
01:22:28.210 --> 01:22:34.189
a product of the post-9-11 surveillance state establishment. Here we go.
1598
01:22:36.329 --> 01:22:39.810
ICE is an agency that has not even existed for
1599
01:22:39.869 --> 01:22:42.729
as long as many of us have even been alive.
1600
01:22:43.510 --> 01:22:47.130
They are a new agency created in the surveillance state
1601
01:22:47.189 --> 01:22:48.609
establishment after.
1602
01:22:48.810 --> 01:22:53.119
Doesn't she want to do the agency to study AI?
1603
01:22:53.920 --> 01:22:56.430
That doesn't exist. I mean, it's going to exist. It's
1604
01:22:56.449 --> 01:22:56.750
going to be.
1605
01:22:56.750 --> 01:22:59.529
The World Health Organization and other places that she loves
1606
01:22:59.569 --> 01:23:01.800
didn't exist for like as long as some of us
1607
01:23:01.840 --> 01:23:02.180
have been alive.
1608
01:23:02.199 --> 01:23:05.880
Teachers unions didn't exist. Is that bad? Is that good?
1609
01:23:05.939 --> 01:23:09.119
She liked those? All right. So her first point is
1610
01:23:09.180 --> 01:23:09.979
a non-point.
1611
01:23:10.039 --> 01:23:12.119
If she likes old things, then let's go back to
1612
01:23:12.159 --> 01:23:13.760
slavery and pre-constitution days.
1613
01:23:13.779 --> 01:23:15.779
I'm with you, my sister. Preach.
1614
01:23:16.260 --> 01:23:16.479
All right.
1615
01:23:16.500 --> 01:23:16.920
Here we go.
1616
01:23:18.539 --> 01:23:21.779
Created in the surveillance state establishment after 9-11.
1617
01:23:22.149 --> 01:23:22.869
ICE is Palantir.
1618
01:23:25.630 --> 01:23:30.550
ICE is AI. ICE is facial recognition. ICE is surveillance.
1619
01:23:30.829 --> 01:23:34.800
And ICE is coming after you, regardless of your status.
1620
01:23:35.579 --> 01:23:37.279
ICE is an agency that has not— I do. I
1621
01:23:37.340 --> 01:23:45.810
always love that notion. Like, so the government— here' s what the
1622
01:23:45.850 --> 01:23:46.630
government wants.
1623
01:23:46.649 --> 01:23:46.890
Mm-hmm.
1624
01:23:48.819 --> 01:23:52.279
They want you to pay them tax money and not
1625
01:23:52.479 --> 01:23:55.739
ask that much of them. They would like you to pay.
1626
01:23:56.659 --> 01:23:59.720
What they like is guys like me. Pay all the money.
1627
01:24:00.479 --> 01:24:03.239
Don't use the schools. Don't use the parks. Don't use
1628
01:24:03.300 --> 01:24:03.800
the systems.
1629
01:24:03.840 --> 01:24:04.979
Social security, welfare.
1630
01:24:05.279 --> 01:24:07.720
Don't use any of it. Have my own insurance. I'm
1631
01:24:07.760 --> 01:24:11.079
a net win for them. They're not really that interested
1632
01:24:11.119 --> 01:24:13.479
in coming for me. You know what I mean? Because
1633
01:24:13.899 --> 01:24:15.939
if you get rid of me, you wipe some money
1634
01:24:16.020 --> 01:24:18.560
off the books and you have to pay to incarcerate
1635
01:24:18.600 --> 01:24:19.739
me or whatever.
1636
01:24:19.770 --> 01:24:21.810
You also employ a lot of people. You're contributing to
1637
01:24:21.829 --> 01:24:22.310
the economy.
1638
01:24:22.369 --> 01:24:27.630
Right. You don't– now, what they do– I don't know
1639
01:24:27.689 --> 01:24:29.390
why you get rid of the speech in the middle
1640
01:24:29.409 --> 01:24:32.949
of the speech, Andrew, but what they do is... We
1641
01:24:32.970 --> 01:24:34.750
already played the whole thing. Oh, that's the whole thing?
1642
01:24:34.770 --> 01:24:34.970
Mm-hmm.
1643
01:24:35.430 --> 01:24:37.510
Oh, I didn't know. I thought I interrupted her.
1644
01:24:38.720 --> 01:24:41.659
No, she clearly, as we discussed, doesn't have much to say.
1645
01:24:41.720 --> 01:24:42.020
Right.
1646
01:24:42.100 --> 01:24:45.300
So it's always coming for you, but coming for you,
1647
01:24:46.439 --> 01:24:51.180
that doesn't make mathematical sense for the government to just
1648
01:24:51.239 --> 01:24:52.300
come for everybody.
1649
01:24:52.359 --> 01:24:53.800
It's statistically inaccurate.
1650
01:24:53.960 --> 01:24:54.140
Yeah.
1651
01:24:54.979 --> 01:24:59.420
It's... Well, first off, so anybody, like this notion of like,
1652
01:24:59.640 --> 01:25:02.439
how do you feel about ICE officers at the polling station?
1653
01:25:02.460 --> 01:25:05.600
It's like, I'm in this country legally, and I don't,
1654
01:25:05.659 --> 01:25:09.550
how do you feel about... I'm going to the airport.
1655
01:25:10.449 --> 01:25:13.390
There is security at the airport. How do I feel
1656
01:25:13.449 --> 01:25:13.729
about it?
1657
01:25:13.750 --> 01:25:15.689
And bomb-sniffing dogs and dudes with AR-15s.
1658
01:25:16.250 --> 01:25:19.210
And I pull my ID out 10 times, and then
1659
01:25:19.250 --> 01:25:21.109
it takes a picture of your face.
1660
01:25:21.149 --> 01:25:22.289
And sometimes they even grope you.
1661
01:25:22.569 --> 01:25:26.420
Yes, you get groped, although it's good because the dude
1662
01:25:26.439 --> 01:25:27.819
does it with the back of his hand. So you
1663
01:25:27.859 --> 01:25:31.100
know when a guy strokes your scrotum, Dawson, but he's
1664
01:25:31.159 --> 01:25:32.220
using the back of his hand?
1665
01:25:32.500 --> 01:25:32.739
Right.
1666
01:25:33.020 --> 01:25:37.279
That ain't gay. Nope. Nope, that's straight. It's inside hand.
1667
01:25:37.819 --> 01:25:40.859
By the way, I don't know why the back of
1668
01:25:40.899 --> 01:25:42.859
the hand. The front of the hand has all the
1669
01:25:42.880 --> 01:25:45.739
calluses on it. I'd rather you put a cigarette out
1670
01:25:45.760 --> 01:25:47.060
in the front of my hand than the back of
1671
01:25:47.100 --> 01:25:47.500
my hand.
1672
01:25:47.899 --> 01:25:50.840
Anybody knows, anytime you're looking for something, you look generally
1673
01:25:50.899 --> 01:25:51.779
with the back of your hand.
1674
01:25:51.819 --> 01:25:53.779
You're fumbling for your keys in the dark. I always
1675
01:25:53.800 --> 01:25:56.779
turn my hand over. I drag it along the carpet
1676
01:25:56.810 --> 01:25:58.609
of my car. That's how you get this glass. Yeah,
1677
01:25:58.630 --> 01:26:01.149
the back hand. So, okay.
1678
01:26:01.729 --> 01:26:01.850
So.
1679
01:26:02.699 --> 01:26:05.539
Do I like going to the airport and having to
1680
01:26:05.859 --> 01:26:07.720
pull out all the ID and wait in line and
1681
01:26:07.739 --> 01:26:11.289
be screened and take a picture? No, I don't. But
1682
01:26:11.750 --> 01:26:13.430
I understand what they're doing there.
1683
01:26:13.489 --> 01:26:15.369
You like flying to New York to go on Gutfeld
1684
01:26:15.409 --> 01:26:16.630
and do some stand-up.
1685
01:26:16.310 --> 01:26:18.810
And make some money. Yes, and I participate in this.
1686
01:26:18.890 --> 01:26:24.289
And that's the bond we have. So this notion, and
1687
01:26:24.470 --> 01:26:27.590
it's a super AOC thing where it's all the left,
1688
01:26:27.630 --> 01:26:29.189
but they do this like. Lie?
1689
01:26:29.210 --> 01:26:29.279
Lie.
1690
01:26:29.640 --> 01:26:29.800
Yes.
1691
01:26:29.840 --> 01:26:32.239
They lie. You go, what's, what's wrong with getting rid
1692
01:26:32.279 --> 01:26:34.890
of people illegally? Oh, nothing wrong until they turn on you.
1693
01:26:34.930 --> 01:26:38.810
They come for you. It's like, do they are, okay.
1694
01:26:39.130 --> 01:26:47.859
Trump has a possible, he has two terms, max eight years. Um,
1695
01:26:48.520 --> 01:26:51.619
He has now completed three quarters of the two terms
1696
01:26:52.130 --> 01:26:54.069
without turning on the citizens.
1697
01:26:54.449 --> 01:26:55.250
But it's going to happen.
1698
01:26:55.350 --> 01:26:57.470
But he's going to use the military to like turn
1699
01:26:57.529 --> 01:26:59.590
on the citizens. So he's just waiting until the very end,
1700
01:27:00.409 --> 01:27:00.789
I guess.
1701
01:27:01.029 --> 01:27:01.210
All right.
1702
01:27:01.229 --> 01:27:03.619
So AOC. They're coming for us.
1703
01:27:03.720 --> 01:27:04.640
ICE is coming for you.
1704
01:27:04.680 --> 01:27:08.100
Coming for us. I want to hear her speech. You
1705
01:27:08.119 --> 01:27:08.960
want to hear her.
1706
01:27:08.880 --> 01:27:09.340
One more time?
1707
01:27:09.659 --> 01:27:14.710
She's such a colossal dope, but I'm also wondering who listens.
1708
01:27:14.729 --> 01:27:17.350
I like her earrings, though. It's a cute denim and
1709
01:27:17.369 --> 01:27:17.890
blazer vibe.
1710
01:27:17.970 --> 01:27:19.109
It never happens.
1711
01:27:19.130 --> 01:27:20.710
If I ran for office, I would be buying you
1712
01:27:20.729 --> 01:27:20.850
a card.
1713
01:27:20.869 --> 01:27:22.890
So she's coming for us. Okay.
1714
01:27:24.270 --> 01:27:27.750
ICE is an agency that has not even existed for
1715
01:27:27.789 --> 01:27:30.609
as long as many of us have even been alive.
1716
01:27:31.430 --> 01:27:35.050
They are a new agency created in the surveillance state
1717
01:27:35.109 --> 01:27:36.579
establishment after 9-11.
1718
01:27:36.949 --> 01:27:40.069
Ice is Palantir.
1719
01:27:40.449 --> 01:27:45.380
Ice is AI. Ice is facial recognition. Ice is surveillance.
1720
01:27:45.640 --> 01:27:49.619
And ice is coming after you, regardless of your status.
1721
01:27:51.560 --> 01:27:56.359
Regardless. Ice is going to come after U.S. citizens.
1722
01:27:56.779 --> 01:28:02.399
Well, I will say this. In all of COVID, in
1723
01:28:02.699 --> 01:28:03.039
all of.
1724
01:28:03.060 --> 01:28:05.590
COVID, The government did come after us, normal citizens.
1725
01:28:05.710 --> 01:28:10.310
In all of COVID, did anybody on TV saying you're
1726
01:28:10.340 --> 01:28:11.609
going to die, die?
1727
01:28:11.640 --> 01:28:11.699
No.
1728
01:28:12.340 --> 01:28:16.260
Did one person die? Did one person at CNN die?
1729
01:28:16.300 --> 01:28:20.500
Did one person? Is Joe Rogan still alive? He used
1730
01:28:20.520 --> 01:28:26.439
horse pace. Is Sanjay Gupta alive? Is Anderson Cooper? Did
1731
01:28:26.520 --> 01:28:29.579
anybody die? Did anyone who said you're going to die, die?
1732
01:28:29.619 --> 01:28:31.239
Did anyone yell at you about putting on a mask?
1733
01:28:31.260 --> 01:28:35.930
Did anybody? And the answer is no. Okay, another mind experiment.
1734
01:28:37.029 --> 01:28:40.930
What American has been sent to Honduras and dropped off
1735
01:28:41.090 --> 01:28:44.090
does anyone know I mean we I know a lot
1736
01:28:44.130 --> 01:28:46.270
of people and then I have kids and I like
1737
01:28:46.489 --> 01:28:48.409
sound like one of my kids called me a week
1738
01:28:48.479 --> 01:28:51.640
ago and went remember my friend Eddie yeah yeah Eddie
1739
01:28:51.680 --> 01:28:55.380
he was from neighborhood guy yeah he's in El Salvador.
1740
01:28:55.159 --> 01:28:57.720
And He's in the ice facility at the border.
1741
01:28:57.800 --> 01:29:01.640
The Johnsons? Yeah, well, they just snatched him up and
1742
01:29:01.659 --> 01:29:03.390
they put him in a van. It would be all
1743
01:29:03.430 --> 01:29:04.170
over social media.
1744
01:29:04.210 --> 01:29:05.090
Are you kidding me?
1745
01:29:05.270 --> 01:29:06.409
Oh, listen.
1746
01:29:07.569 --> 01:29:10.020
It's like the Southern Poverty Law Center thing.
1747
01:29:10.270 --> 01:29:10.479
Right.
1748
01:29:10.489 --> 01:29:13.319
They have to create the problem in order to make
1749
01:29:13.399 --> 01:29:15.880
money off of and fearmonger the problem in order for.
1750
01:29:15.840 --> 01:29:20.420
Them to win. AOC prays every night that a redheaded
1751
01:29:21.020 --> 01:29:24.539
kid gets snatched up by ICE and taken to Honduras. Yeah,
1752
01:29:24.579 --> 01:29:27.850
just something. Please. One person.
1753
01:29:27.949 --> 01:29:28.149
Yeah.
1754
01:29:28.770 --> 01:29:31.890
Well, I started training again, and when you do that,
1755
01:29:32.109 --> 01:29:34.390
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1756
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1758
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1759
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1760
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stays put there. mid-set they're super versatile one short for
1761
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lifting running and everything in between i also love the
1762
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durability it's got a four-way stretch shell no pinch waistband
1763
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and laser cut ventilation so that 100 plus price well
1764
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it's actually built into the short when you feel the
1765
01:30:12.449 --> 01:30:18.250
fabric ventilation pocket system and durability you'll know that the
1766
01:30:18.310 --> 01:30:21.850
money was well spent. Am I right, Dawson? If you
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1786
01:31:11.819 --> 01:31:14.010
By the way, you want to know how you know
1787
01:31:14.090 --> 01:31:16.649
it's never happened? Because you'd never stop hearing about it
1788
01:31:16.789 --> 01:31:20.779
if it did. Oh, all the time. It'd be 24-7.
1789
01:31:21.069 --> 01:31:25.250
You snatch this one person up. So, no, it's not
1790
01:31:25.289 --> 01:31:27.609
going to happen. I don't know how it can happen.
1791
01:31:27.670 --> 01:31:30.670
What's the scenario?
1792
01:31:30.689 --> 01:31:33.590
Maybe if they're a white redhead from Ireland that overstayed
1793
01:31:33.609 --> 01:31:33.829
their visa.
1794
01:31:33.909 --> 01:31:37.869
Yeah, what's the scenario? The ICE guy just asks Dawson,
1795
01:31:38.210 --> 01:31:41.010
you're watering your lawn and the ICE van pulls up like, hey, man.
1796
01:31:41.550 --> 01:31:43.270
You got your ID and you're like, well, it's in
1797
01:31:43.289 --> 01:31:45.350
the house. I'm just watering my lawn. He's like, you're
1798
01:31:45.369 --> 01:31:49.670
coming with us. And then how does that benefit them?
1799
01:31:49.989 --> 01:31:52.829
As I'm saying, how does that work other than horrible publicity?
1800
01:31:53.069 --> 01:31:54.930
It's weird because they always started with, hey, you ever
1801
01:31:54.970 --> 01:31:55.630
been to Haiti?
1802
01:31:55.829 --> 01:31:56.229
Yeah.
1803
01:31:56.350 --> 01:31:56.569
Yeah.
1804
01:31:56.630 --> 01:31:59.489
That's right. We might have a trip for you. All right.
1805
01:31:59.520 --> 01:32:01.939
So regardless of your status.
1806
01:32:02.020 --> 01:32:02.159
Yep.
1807
01:32:02.180 --> 01:32:03.510
AOC thinks that ICE is coming for you.
1808
01:32:03.520 --> 01:32:07.939
They're coming after you. All right. But they've. The person,
1809
01:32:07.960 --> 01:32:11.659
and let's just say we're going regardless of status. You go, okay,
1810
01:32:11.729 --> 01:32:14.369
you just, I talk to Trump and I go, is
1811
01:32:14.409 --> 01:32:17.090
it a regardless of status situation? He goes, I'll fucking
1812
01:32:17.109 --> 01:32:20.869
deport anyone. Wouldn't they start with AOC? Wouldn't she be
1813
01:32:20.890 --> 01:32:22.869
the number one person thrown in Iceman?
1814
01:32:23.149 --> 01:32:24.329
Yeah.
1815
01:32:24.430 --> 01:32:28.369
If I'm going regardless of status. Mom Donnie, Karen Bass.
1816
01:32:28.510 --> 01:32:31.449
I got a murder's row of people. He doesn't really
1817
01:32:31.470 --> 01:32:34.619
like Newsom. They'd all be in the same unmarked van.
1818
01:32:34.640 --> 01:32:37.020
He clearly doesn't like CNN. He'd start over there.
1819
01:32:37.399 --> 01:32:40.149
Start with Jake Tapper. We'll make our way to Bass.
1820
01:32:40.159 --> 01:32:41.699
We'll get Nithya Raman out of here, too.
1821
01:32:41.710 --> 01:32:43.970
I think he'd probably do Ashley Banfield before Tapper.
1822
01:32:44.609 --> 01:32:47.949
Okay, they're all gone. They're all disappeared. You want to
1823
01:32:47.970 --> 01:32:51.350
know why? Oh, yeah, they got IDs. Sure, they're American citizens.
1824
01:32:51.560 --> 01:32:54.859
I don't care. Regardless of status, remember?
1825
01:32:54.880 --> 01:32:55.739
That's what she said.
1826
01:32:55.760 --> 01:32:55.899
Yeah.
1827
01:32:56.159 --> 01:32:59.140
Well, if that were so, then AOC would be gone.
1828
01:32:59.789 --> 01:32:59.989
Okay.
1829
01:33:00.250 --> 01:33:02.710
So apparently you kind of have to be an illegal
1830
01:33:02.789 --> 01:33:04.829
or a foreigner in order to apply for a job
1831
01:33:04.869 --> 01:33:07.350
in Boston that the mayor is offering up there. You
1832
01:33:07.390 --> 01:33:10.470
cannot be an American citizen. This comes from our friends
1833
01:33:10.510 --> 01:33:12.310
over at NotTheBee. The city of Boston is going to
1834
01:33:12.350 --> 01:33:16.069
pay immigrants to become political activists and American citizens need
1835
01:33:16.109 --> 01:33:16.569
not apply.
1836
01:33:16.649 --> 01:33:19.100
How did Boston end up with such a piece of
1837
01:33:19.180 --> 01:33:23.460
shit mayor? And then how did Minnesota, because Boston was
1838
01:33:23.579 --> 01:33:27.579
Boston and Minnesota, I mean, Minneapolis was Minneapolis. Like when
1839
01:33:27.640 --> 01:33:30.729
I grew up, When I was young, it was Paul
1840
01:33:30.770 --> 01:33:35.359
Bunyan and Bud Grant and Babe the Ox. And Boston
1841
01:33:35.399 --> 01:33:38.479
was Cheers and dudes, you know. Yeah.
1842
01:33:38.840 --> 01:33:40.359
Same Patty Day and Fireman.
1843
01:33:40.840 --> 01:33:43.859
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're a die the river and everyone's
1844
01:33:43.880 --> 01:33:46.920
a racist, but they're geniuses. That was Boston.
1845
01:33:46.979 --> 01:33:47.199
Yeah.
1846
01:33:47.590 --> 01:33:50.229
What the fuck happened to Boston? And to get this
1847
01:33:50.270 --> 01:33:54.420
kind of mayor. And then Minneapolis, too, like. What happened?
1848
01:33:54.500 --> 01:33:58.210
So Mayor Wu there is saying that she– well, first
1849
01:33:58.229 --> 01:34:00.890
of all, she told people not to rent parking structures
1850
01:34:01.050 --> 01:34:03.869
to the ICE after the Department of Homeland Security issued
1851
01:34:03.909 --> 01:34:07.739
a procurement notice seeking roughly 250 surge parking spaces near
1852
01:34:07.760 --> 01:34:12.819
Boston's area ICE facilities. So she– in her– I actually
1853
01:34:12.840 --> 01:34:17.770
talked about dictatorial. In her mayoral capacity– contacted private business
1854
01:34:17.810 --> 01:34:19.710
owners and was like, you shall not rent to ICE
1855
01:34:19.789 --> 01:34:20.210
or else.
1856
01:34:20.569 --> 01:34:22.130
Well, that's what you get with these people.
1857
01:34:22.189 --> 01:34:26.250
And now she wants to pay people $ 575 grants to immigrants,
1858
01:34:26.310 --> 01:34:28.550
legal or illegal, in order to train them in a
1859
01:34:28.609 --> 01:34:32.890
political activism. So the Immigrants Lead Boston, it's run by
1860
01:34:32.909 --> 01:34:36.510
the mayor's office, Mayor Michelle Wu. And the program launched
1861
01:34:36.649 --> 01:34:38.750
under the mayor in the fall of 2020 has apparently
1862
01:34:38.810 --> 01:34:43.720
continued and expanded. The Boston.gov program page states applicants may
1863
01:34:43.779 --> 01:34:47.069
apply regardless of their immigration status, of course, which opens
1864
01:34:47.100 --> 01:34:50.380
the door to green cardholders, DACA recipients, refugees, asylum seekers,
1865
01:34:50.460 --> 01:34:53.340
and undocumented residents. The same page states plainly that the
1866
01:34:53.380 --> 01:34:56.560
candidates must be Boston residents and immigrants and means that
1867
01:34:56.680 --> 01:35:00.220
no U.S. Bostonians are eligible to apply. And then they're
1868
01:35:00.239 --> 01:35:03.359
going to become a political pack, essentially.
1869
01:35:03.560 --> 01:35:04.380
That's their people.
1870
01:35:04.579 --> 01:35:05.420
I mean, that's their people.
1871
01:35:05.819 --> 01:35:08.979
Yeah, that's who votes. The same people are done voting
1872
01:35:09.479 --> 01:35:10.079
for that candidate.
1873
01:35:11.130 --> 01:35:12.569
This is not included in the story, but I just
1874
01:35:12.590 --> 01:35:15.270
read this earlier today. I have some hope for America.
1875
01:35:15.510 --> 01:35:17.689
As our buddy Ben Shapiro says, it's like you don't
1876
01:35:17.729 --> 01:35:19.229
want the left to be too far left and you
1877
01:35:19.250 --> 01:35:20.829
don't want the right to be too far right. Like
1878
01:35:20.850 --> 01:35:24.689
what it is for the betterment of America as a society. Interestingly,
1879
01:35:24.770 --> 01:35:27.640
there are Democratic candidates around the country that were campaigning
1880
01:35:27.680 --> 01:35:30.920
with AOC earlier in the year. And they said, do
1881
01:35:30.960 --> 01:35:34.640
not come back. As we get to what, like 35 days?
1882
01:35:34.779 --> 01:35:36.979
How far? We're 30 plus days away from the election.
1883
01:35:37.640 --> 01:35:39.939
Less than 40 days left. There's a lot of Democrats
1884
01:35:40.000 --> 01:35:43.359
out there, I think, that are recognizing the radical progressivism
1885
01:35:43.739 --> 01:35:46.420
of that wing of the party ain't going to cut
1886
01:35:46.439 --> 01:35:47.380
it for the average voter.
1887
01:35:48.279 --> 01:35:48.680
I agree.
1888
01:35:48.699 --> 01:35:49.659
That's encouraging to me.
1889
01:35:49.739 --> 01:35:53.149
It is, except for... Of course you're going to.
1890
01:35:53.149 --> 01:35:54.729
I'm trying to end on a happy note, and you're
1891
01:35:54.829 --> 01:35:55.750
going to bring me down.
1892
01:35:55.770 --> 01:35:58.649
No, you shan't end on a happy note. You know
1893
01:35:58.670 --> 01:36:06.279
the rules. Now, remember, not that long ago... Joe Biden
1894
01:36:06.300 --> 01:36:09.890
ran on that. He ran on, I am slow and
1895
01:36:10.010 --> 01:36:13.770
steady Joe, right down the middle. Uncle Scranton Joe, like Mr.
1896
01:36:13.869 --> 01:36:17.350
Six Pack. And then it was nothing but progressive shit.
1897
01:36:17.430 --> 01:36:21.260
And then people go, well, you know, his cabinet, his
1898
01:36:21.479 --> 01:36:25.140
people around him did it. He gave tons of speeches
1899
01:36:25.260 --> 01:36:28.399
screaming about white supremacy and shit like that. And I
1900
01:36:28.420 --> 01:36:31.199
don't know how far Joe's gone, but he's saying these
1901
01:36:31.260 --> 01:36:33.520
words are coming out of his mouth. He didn't say
1902
01:36:33.899 --> 01:36:37.529
one thing that that had made any sense or was
1903
01:36:37.729 --> 01:36:40.390
would be like day one. I'm going to shut down
1904
01:36:40.430 --> 01:36:42.909
the pipeline. You know what I mean? Like every single
1905
01:36:42.949 --> 01:36:44.449
thing he did was a hard left.
1906
01:36:44.470 --> 01:36:48.270
So you think whatever it's faux? Well, look, it's a
1907
01:36:48.310 --> 01:36:50.560
winning strategy, not necessarily a like a.
1908
01:36:51.060 --> 01:36:51.810
Yes.
1909
01:36:51.850 --> 01:36:52.729
Principled strategy?
1910
01:36:52.770 --> 01:36:55.229
Well, let's see if we can break it down. You
1911
01:36:55.250 --> 01:36:58.770
get these people and there's a long history of their tweets,
1912
01:36:58.869 --> 01:37:01.970
you know, like, I'm vegan and I want to force
1913
01:37:02.029 --> 01:37:05.909
you to be vegan and open the prisons and transgender that, yes,
1914
01:37:05.970 --> 01:37:09.409
California should pay to have this top surgeries for prisoners
1915
01:37:09.470 --> 01:37:14.010
and shut down fossil fuel and I'm against fracking. They
1916
01:37:14.029 --> 01:37:18.029
have a long laundry list of this stuff. Stuff they
1917
01:37:18.149 --> 01:37:23.949
said not their freshman year at Humboldt State. Stuff they
1918
01:37:23.989 --> 01:37:28.010
said in their 40s, their 50s, sometimes their 60s, right?
1919
01:37:28.109 --> 01:37:34.020
They said this stuff. Now, Joe Biden went the other direction.
1920
01:37:34.420 --> 01:37:37.439
Joe Biden said normal things when he was 50 and
1921
01:37:37.439 --> 01:37:40.479
60 and then turned into this piece of shit later
1922
01:37:40.619 --> 01:37:44.770
on when they captured him or whatever. But These people
1923
01:37:45.369 --> 01:37:49.810
say crazy things as adults, as educated adults, as adults
1924
01:37:49.850 --> 01:37:53.460
who graduated college many, many years ago, lived in the
1925
01:37:53.520 --> 01:37:56.960
adult world. Parents may not be with us anymore. They
1926
01:37:57.020 --> 01:38:02.409
said all this crazy shit. And then... When they're 57
1927
01:38:02.409 --> 01:38:05.100
and a half, they're like, uh, I didn't mean any
1928
01:38:05.109 --> 01:38:07.680
of that stuff. And you're like, why are you acting
1929
01:38:07.760 --> 01:38:11.100
normal now? Well, it turns out normal people don't want
1930
01:38:11.760 --> 01:38:12.699
crazy people.
1931
01:38:12.720 --> 01:38:13.159
True.
1932
01:38:13.539 --> 01:38:19.579
Your average taxpayer does not want to pay to trans prisoners.
1933
01:38:20.560 --> 01:38:23.630
Your average. It's a pretty basic thing. Wherever you may
1934
01:38:23.770 --> 01:38:27.090
think or whatever side of the aisle you may be on,
1935
01:38:27.449 --> 01:38:31.640
those are. And they like cheap. energy and so on
1936
01:38:31.680 --> 01:38:33.300
and so forth.
1937
01:38:33.319 --> 01:38:34.020
Safe schools.
1938
01:38:34.260 --> 01:38:36.689
Safe schools. Yep. And maybe even school choice and things
1939
01:38:36.729 --> 01:38:40.609
like that. So now you then have to pretend like
1940
01:38:41.029 --> 01:38:44.229
you disagree with yourself. That shit I said, that was
1941
01:38:44.970 --> 01:38:47.029
two years ago. I didn't mean any of that. I
1942
01:38:47.050 --> 01:38:47.770
was 46 and a half.
1943
01:38:47.789 --> 01:38:49.529
Six months ago when I was campaigning with AOC.
1944
01:38:49.550 --> 01:38:49.869
Right, right.
1945
01:38:50.050 --> 01:38:51.850
I also didn't mean that. So I'm going to pretend
1946
01:38:51.890 --> 01:38:56.170
to be normal now. And then you vote me in
1947
01:38:56.850 --> 01:39:00.920
and I will then revert back to what I was
1948
01:39:01.039 --> 01:39:05.420
the whole time. Remember, I'm pretending to be normal. All
1949
01:39:05.479 --> 01:39:08.039
the tweets and all the proclamations, that's me.
1950
01:39:08.460 --> 01:39:11.560
But don't you think even if that's the game, it's...
1951
01:39:12.229 --> 01:39:17.130
It's still good that the broader electorate doesn't want those ideas.
1952
01:39:17.170 --> 01:39:17.890
Yes, it is.
1953
01:39:18.010 --> 01:39:21.270
And then hopefully, I'm hopeful that the broader electorate then,
1954
01:39:21.310 --> 01:39:25.069
when they are betrayed by that radical progressive, shift the
1955
01:39:25.109 --> 01:39:25.470
other way.
1956
01:39:25.850 --> 01:39:26.170
Right.
1957
01:39:26.310 --> 01:39:27.090
To our guys and gals.
1958
01:39:27.109 --> 01:39:30.489
We got four years of Biden fucking everything up and
1959
01:39:30.550 --> 01:39:32.970
opening the border because we thought he was going to
1960
01:39:32.989 --> 01:39:33.550
be normal.
1961
01:39:33.770 --> 01:39:37.310
I just want it to shift back, you know? I mean, there's...
1962
01:39:38.229 --> 01:39:40.750
I'd like it to not go... you know.
1963
01:39:40.739 --> 01:39:45.010
Well again i'm i'm not not i want you to
1964
01:39:45.050 --> 01:39:47.770
go out on in a good mood but.
1965
01:39:47.350 --> 01:39:50.409
This next story depresses me though too so.
1966
01:39:50.270 --> 01:39:54.090
What's her name the blonde from connecticut or whatever who'd
1967
01:39:54.130 --> 01:39:55.810
we who's the governor.
1968
01:39:56.829 --> 01:39:58.810
Governor of connecticut oh god i don't know.
1969
01:39:58.729 --> 01:40:01.550
It's connecticut thinking of virginia yeah what's her.
1970
01:40:01.470 --> 01:40:05.390
Name oh stein spine stein what's her face Spamburger?
1971
01:40:05.470 --> 01:40:09.750
Spamburger. Spamburger ran as normal. Yeah, but... And she's all
1972
01:40:09.850 --> 01:40:13.479
back going nuts. Just the notion that you have to
1973
01:40:13.520 --> 01:40:16.180
pretend to be normal to win and then go back,
1974
01:40:17.220 --> 01:40:18.359
I say it all the time.
1975
01:40:18.380 --> 01:40:19.380
Shows that you're not principled?
1976
01:40:19.779 --> 01:40:24.020
Well, it's sort of like, I have an idea, people,
1977
01:40:24.560 --> 01:40:26.949
when you vote. Why don't you vote for the person
1978
01:40:26.970 --> 01:40:29.569
that never said the crazy stuff that you disagree with?
1979
01:40:29.609 --> 01:40:31.970
But the average voter doesn't under... They don't know about
1980
01:40:31.989 --> 01:40:34.069
the crazy stuff. And they don't know about the crazy
1981
01:40:34.130 --> 01:40:35.569
stuff because of what we talk about on the show
1982
01:40:35.600 --> 01:40:37.840
a lot, because of the media bias, because of the
1983
01:40:37.880 --> 01:40:39.100
social media algorithm.
1984
01:40:39.340 --> 01:40:42.319
Yeah, I get it. But it comes up enough that
1985
01:40:42.359 --> 01:40:45.319
they have to all distance themselves. Like you said you
1986
01:40:45.359 --> 01:40:48.970
danced a jig right after 9-11. Yeah, well, okay, but
1987
01:40:49.020 --> 01:40:53.270
I don't dance about that anymore. Okay. I mean, they
1988
01:40:53.350 --> 01:40:55.670
literally have to go walk everything back.
1989
01:40:55.689 --> 01:40:55.949
Mm-hmm.
1990
01:40:56.750 --> 01:40:59.210
You know what I basically go? You get your choice
1991
01:40:59.250 --> 01:41:03.250
between two babysitters. One says, oh, I used to be
1992
01:41:03.270 --> 01:41:05.649
a pedophile, but not anymore. And the other never was.
1993
01:41:06.029 --> 01:41:07.890
Why don't we just get the one that was never one?
1994
01:41:08.369 --> 01:41:11.310
Let's get the one that never was. It's so much easier.
1995
01:41:11.489 --> 01:41:13.909
You know, this guy says he took back all his
1996
01:41:13.970 --> 01:41:14.760
pedophile stuff.
1997
01:41:14.800 --> 01:41:15.930
Just get the one who never did it.
1998
01:41:18.720 --> 01:41:20.840
How about that? But that guy said he's never going
1999
01:41:20.859 --> 01:41:23.100
to do it again. I don't care. Let's just do
2000
01:41:23.140 --> 01:41:24.859
the one. Do you know he's going to be back?
2001
01:41:25.159 --> 01:41:27.220
I don't know. This other guy never did it.
2002
01:41:27.260 --> 01:41:27.859
Don't want the risk.
2003
01:41:27.899 --> 01:41:29.880
We don't want the risk. Yeah, I agree with that.
2004
01:41:30.479 --> 01:41:31.859
How do you feel about the risk of AI?
2005
01:41:33.340 --> 01:41:34.020
I'm all for it.
2006
01:41:34.300 --> 01:41:35.720
You're all for AI or the risks?
2007
01:41:36.180 --> 01:41:36.819
I like it all.
2008
01:41:36.920 --> 01:41:39.300
So Bill Gates, who I don't necessarily trust, says that
2009
01:41:39.399 --> 01:41:41.420
AI could kill at least a billion people.
2010
01:41:41.460 --> 01:41:43.979
Bill Gates needs to shut the fuck up. A billion
2011
01:41:44.000 --> 01:41:46.539
with a B. Can we stop listening to Bill Gates
2012
01:41:46.600 --> 01:41:52.800
about stuff? You made money doing computers. You're not a
2013
01:41:52.920 --> 01:41:56.899
genius on every single subject. Bill Gates.
2014
01:41:57.619 --> 01:41:59.159
I mean, he's a genius on... He knows a lot
2015
01:41:59.180 --> 01:42:00.180
about Epstein, apparently.
2016
01:42:00.199 --> 01:42:06.430
Bill Gates just got done... being wrong about COVID 1000%.
2017
01:42:06.430 --> 01:42:08.449
Can we just do this? Can we just do this?
2018
01:42:09.229 --> 01:42:14.130
Everybody who was 100% wrong for four years about COVID
2019
01:42:14.229 --> 01:42:17.399
needs to take a timeout. No more weighing in on
2020
01:42:17.520 --> 01:42:20.899
other subjects. Bill Gates, you're wrong about COVID for four years?
2021
01:42:21.579 --> 01:42:23.600
Sit in your room for four years and shut your
2022
01:42:23.619 --> 01:42:24.199
fucking mouth.
2023
01:42:24.789 --> 01:42:27.149
He's trying to make clean water out of sewage water, though.
2024
01:42:27.869 --> 01:42:30.609
Listen, I'm all for it, but I'm saying in terms
2025
01:42:30.689 --> 01:42:34.270
of your doom and gloom prognosticating, you just got done
2026
01:42:34.310 --> 01:42:34.810
being wrong.
2027
01:42:34.989 --> 01:42:37.189
It's kind of like how you feel about the Elliot
2028
01:42:37.220 --> 01:42:39.779
Page thing. It's like, stay in your lane. I don't
2029
01:42:39.800 --> 01:42:42.260
need to know about everything that you think. That's kind
2030
01:42:42.279 --> 01:42:46.159
of consistent with Bill Gates. He needs to stay in
2031
01:42:46.199 --> 01:42:48.960
his lane. I mean, but computers arguably.
2032
01:42:49.560 --> 01:42:50.670
He made.
2033
01:42:50.390 --> 01:42:53.130
A bajillion dollars doing the computers, as you said.
2034
01:42:53.170 --> 01:42:53.539
I get it.
2035
01:42:53.909 --> 01:42:55.989
So you would think that he would have something to
2036
01:42:56.029 --> 01:42:57.109
say or know about AI.
2037
01:42:57.310 --> 01:43:01.569
I agree with you. What I'm saying is for all
2038
01:43:01.609 --> 01:43:04.369
the people that just got done being wrong about COVID,
2039
01:43:04.569 --> 01:43:07.800
you need to be punished. Thank you. All right, here's
2040
01:43:07.810 --> 01:43:08.159
Bill Gates.
2041
01:43:08.180 --> 01:43:12.319
AI is powerful enough to end all of humanity?
2042
01:43:13.439 --> 01:43:21.569
AI is certainly powerful enough to drive events. that cause
2043
01:43:22.050 --> 01:43:26.510
a billion deaths. So even though it's pretty hard to
2044
01:43:26.550 --> 01:43:32.720
get to 100%, there's never been a weapon as powerful
2045
01:43:33.840 --> 01:43:38.739
as the combination of people with ill intent using the
2046
01:43:39.079 --> 01:43:40.119
latest AI tools.
2047
01:43:40.439 --> 01:43:42.979
Do you believe AI is powerful enough.
2048
01:43:42.779 --> 01:43:44.399
To end all of humanity?
2049
01:43:44.439 --> 01:43:47.079
Yeah, that's Kristen Welker. AI is so powerful. I'm done
2050
01:43:47.100 --> 01:43:50.699
with her. Can we get back to race? People! During
2051
01:43:50.720 --> 01:43:53.380
the debate. We're talking about race. Can we get back
2052
01:43:53.420 --> 01:43:53.840
to race?
2053
01:43:54.060 --> 01:43:54.899
I forgot about that.
2054
01:43:54.979 --> 01:43:59.649
Oh, she's such a dope. All right. Let's see. Me.
2055
01:44:00.859 --> 01:44:05.689
That is this Friday. Casper, Wyoming. Ralto Theater. Two shows there.
2056
01:44:06.090 --> 01:44:09.609
And then Estes Park. That's where they filmed The Shining.
2057
01:44:10.229 --> 01:44:10.949
Two shows there.
2058
01:44:11.029 --> 01:44:11.789
I was just there.
2059
01:44:11.949 --> 01:44:13.109
You were? Oh, awesome.
2060
01:44:13.250 --> 01:44:15.039
Not at the Creepy Hotel, but I was nice as part.
2061
01:44:15.060 --> 01:44:16.359
I'll be at the Creepy Hotel.
2062
01:44:16.539 --> 01:44:17.140
Don't get murdered.
2063
01:44:17.159 --> 01:44:20.399
You can go to Amcrow.com for all that you need.
2064
01:44:20.779 --> 01:44:24.850
I know, it inspired The Shining, but that's their claim
2065
01:44:24.890 --> 01:44:31.510
to fame, so leave them alone. Andrew, I get it. FitzDawg.
2066
01:44:31.550 --> 01:44:35.789
Go to FitzDawg.com. Great stand-up. All the live dates all
2067
01:44:35.810 --> 01:44:37.489
over the place. What do you have, my dear?
2068
01:44:37.590 --> 01:44:40.090
Oh, the usual op-eds over at Daily Wire, Abe News
2069
01:44:40.130 --> 01:44:42.109
Network on YouTube if you want to see my hot
2070
01:44:42.149 --> 01:44:43.090
takes on some things.
2071
01:44:43.810 --> 01:44:46.189
So, until next time, I'm Adam for Alicia Krauss and
2072
01:44:46.210 --> 01:44:48.359
FitzDawg saying, mahalo.
2073
01:44:50.819 --> 01:44:52.500
You can leave us a voicemail at 888-634-1744 and get
2074
01:44:52.520 --> 01:44:54.739
tickets to see Adam Carolla at AdamCarolla.com.
2075
01:45:07.359 --> 01:45:11.369
Some mysteries have haunted us for centuries. Others are unfolding
2076
01:45:11.489 --> 01:45:16.109
right now. This is History's Greatest Mysteries, a History Channel
2077
01:45:16.189 --> 01:45:20.609
original podcast brought to you by Rewind Studios. Every episode
2078
01:45:20.670 --> 01:45:24.210
dives into one of the world's greatest enigmas, the vanishings,
2079
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the myths, the lost relics, and the unexplained. Follow History's
2080
01:45:29.350 --> 01:45:32.920
Greatest Mysteries, available now wherever you listen to podcasts.
2081
01:45:34.770 --> 01:45:38.130
Hello and welcome to PlutoFo. If you know the name
2082
01:45:38.210 --> 01:45:40.369
of the movie you'd like to see, just stream it
2083
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for free on Pluto TV, where all your blockbuster favorites
2084
01:45:43.430 --> 01:45:46.590
are landing all summer long. Catch Anchorman, The Legend of
2085
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Ron Burgundy.
2086
01:45:47.430 --> 01:45:48.310
Fantastic.
2087
01:45:48.609 --> 01:45:49.750
The Matrix Trilogy.
2088
01:45:49.789 --> 01:45:51.189
Welcome to the real world.
2089
01:45:51.489 --> 01:45:52.250
Mean Girls.
2090
01:45:52.409 --> 01:45:53.069
Shut up.
2091
01:45:53.149 --> 01:45:53.810
Titanic.
2092
01:45:53.949 --> 01:45:56.369
I'm the king of the world. And so much more.
2093
01:45:56.649 --> 01:46:00.350
For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24-7. That is so fetch.
2094
01:46:00.890 --> 01:46:07.880
On Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. Hello, and welcome
2095
01:46:07.899 --> 01:46:10.590
to PlutoFo. If you know the name of the movie
2096
01:46:10.609 --> 01:46:13.010
you'd like to see, just stream it for free on
2097
01:46:13.050 --> 01:46:16.069
Pluto TV, where all your blockbuster favorites are landing all
2098
01:46:16.090 --> 01:46:19.289
summer long. Catch Anchorman, The Legend of Ron Burgundy.
2099
01:46:19.369 --> 01:46:20.270
Fantastic.
2100
01:46:20.569 --> 01:46:21.710
The Matrix Trilogy.
2101
01:46:21.750 --> 01:46:23.149
Welcome to the real world.
2102
01:46:23.439 --> 01:46:24.199
Mean Girls.
2103
01:46:24.359 --> 01:46:25.020
Shut up.
2104
01:46:25.119 --> 01:46:25.779
Titanic.
2105
01:46:25.920 --> 01:46:27.060
I'm the king of the world.
2106
01:46:27.420 --> 01:46:31.350
And so much more. For showtimes, press nothing. They're free 24-7.
2107
01:46:31.479 --> 01:46:32.319
That is so fetch.
2108
01:46:32.859 --> 01:46:34.539
On Pluto TV.
2109
01:46:34.680 --> 01:46:35.930
Stream now. Pay never.