Stop Drifting, Start Choosing Each Other

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Let me tell you about a couple.
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I will call them Jane and Mo.
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From the outside, Jane and Mo had everything together.
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The perfect couple.
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The house, the kids, the church, the vacations.
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They look perfect.
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But when they sat down with me, Jane said something I've heard a hundred times over.
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She said, We're not fighting.
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We are just existing.
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Most couples don't blow up, they drift.
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And drifting is quiet.
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So nobody sounds the alarm.
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Nobody thinks that there's an issue.
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Your roommates, pretty much.
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And for a while, that seems to be okay.
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I have been married for 33 years.
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And one of the things I have learned is that it's more than just learning how to communicate better.
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It's more than just learning how to handle conflict better.
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It's about learning to fall in love over again.
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Because the longer you're together, you're with a new person, especially as years and decades are going by.
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When I got married at 27, my husband had to learn how to fall in love with 37-year-old me and 47-year-old me and 57-year-old me.
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It is different.
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And so are you.
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We raised six beautiful children together.
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And that was a busy time for me.
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It took up a lot of time.
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It did a lot of harm to our marriage because we were so busy doing activities and planning vacations and doing so much with the children that we had very little time for ourselves.
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I was also in school.
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My children remember me being in school a lot because this is the time that I was learning about becoming a doctor and what it took to really be a skilled therapist and do the work that I knew I was called to do.
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So on top of everything else, and trying to be a good mom and a good wife, I was also trying to be a good student.
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And sometimes the marriage took a back seat to those things.
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Today I have a group practice and I specialize in working with couples, not just because of something I read in a book, but because I lived the experience and I'm still living it.
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33 years of marriage is a long time, over three decades together.
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And it's rare in our society now.
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We don't see a lot of that.
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So I am passionate about working with couples because of this.
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And I love seeing the light bulb go off when I'm talking and explaining certain situations and different things to couples when they understand that it's really about learning to fall in love again.
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Because you're not the same people you are when you first met and when you are dating.
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Everybody puts on a good face when they're first dating.
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But it's really about learning who the other person is when they're good, when they're bad moments, everything.
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That's what it's really about.
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And that is why I created this show, a deeper us, to work with couples and help give insight.
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But most advice lives on the surface.
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This is what people will say.
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We hear things like, use ice statements, put the phone down.
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Okay, those are good tips, but they don't hold if the root is not addressed.
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You have to address what's underneath.
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What is the root cause?
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Underneath most conflicts is one of a few questions.
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And they are Am I safe with you?
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Do I matter to you?
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Will you be there when I really need you?
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So, as an example, a small fight like dishes or being late.
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That was really about one of those questions.
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It wasn't because you were late, it wasn't because we are fighting about the dishes.
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Can I depend on you?
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Do I matter to you?
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Will you be there when I need you to be there?
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And it always starts with the small things.
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Now, who the show is for.
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This show is for couples who are good but they want great.
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Couples in a hard season who aren't sure what's next for them.
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Anyone who wants to understand their own patterns and love, married life, dating, or even if you're single and are looking for that special someone.
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Empty nesters, blended families, military couples.
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This is who I created this show for.
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Now, what you can expect from me.
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New episodes.
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I will do weekly episodes that you will have on every Wednesday.
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Real patterns, practical tools, and something to try each week.
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Listener questions, you're able to send me messages through fan mail, and I can either answer on a show that is upcoming or even answer in an email.
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I have no problem with responding to emails if you have a burning question or something that you just generally would like help with.
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Please feel free to send me an email and I will absolutely respond.
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So here's my invitation.
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Listen to the next episode with your partner.
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Not to fix them, just to talk.
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Ask each other one question.
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And that question is, when did you last feel really close to me?
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When did you last feel really close to me?
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That's what I want you to ask your partner.
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The answer will tell you more than you think.
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And if you're comfortable, send me a message about what the response was, and I will be happy to provide feedback.
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Until next week, take care of yourselves.
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And please keep choosing each other.