WEBVTT
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as you're loading up your luggage, leave your baggage of expectations in the garage.
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I can take something really good, a trip, a family day, even just a normal morning, and slowly feel it slipping through my hands.
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Not because anything's wrong, but because it isn't going the way I thought it would.
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And I can feel that gap sometimes between what's actually happening and what I was hoping for.
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And when I stop and look at it, a lot of that gap is expectations.
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So today we're going to look at that a little.
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And how it shapes the way we show up for our kids.
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Well, we've got our little trio in here again today.
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Yes.
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Hi.
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Hi, Kyla Pace.
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Welcome back again to the recording studio.
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Good to be here.
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Our T-P-P-B-F-F.
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Yes,
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that is true.
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And you know, we always say i'm glad when you come in to record with us because I love the three of us being together.
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Yeah.
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Just processing life together.
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Same.
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It was so fun.
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Okay.
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So what's been going on?
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What's been happening in your life?
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Well, we've had a, a busy season.
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I've had a bunch of birthdays.
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We have all winter birthdays and, uh,
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so that gives you
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three teenagers, you guys.
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Whoa.
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Wow.
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Christie, you fell the weight to that.
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Yes,
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yes.
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Well, and I remember when they were not teenagers, they were just little bitties.
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So it's crazy to hear that.
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Mm-hmm.
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Yeah.
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So in January my son turn 13, my daughter turned 16.
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Wow.
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My other daughter's 14.
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So there's a lot of emotions, feelings.
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Oh my word, I bet.
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Going on around our house and it's.
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Awesome.
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And a lot.
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But I was gonna tell you guys, this Christmas was really fun.
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We were to go on an epic trip.
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of just worked out.
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We went to Hawaii.
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Oh, see, Christy, I don't know if you knew it.
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Oh my goodness.
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How fun.
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Yeah.
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Yes, I mean, I just think about.
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Dismal.
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December and January.
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Uhhuh.
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Yeah.
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And she got Hawaii?
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Yes.
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Yes.
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It was great.
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And honestly I feel a little bit, uh, even spoiled and blessed that we were able to do that, but we were able to get our flights for free with points.
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So yeah, my friend Emily, who lives.
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On Oahu.
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We stayed with her for a few days.
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I had other family there.
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We, we just made it work.
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But I love it.
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Tim and I were actually married there I didn't know that Kyla.
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Yeah.
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So part of my heart and my family is there.
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Yeah.
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That's
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so
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cool.
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Yeah.
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But anyway, it was, it was great and it all came together and it was.
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Wonderful.
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And so I just went with so much excitement and anticipation and you guys, this is gonna be a trip of a lifetime.
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Let's soak up every minute together.
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Oh, I hear ya.
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Yeah.
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And
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that sounds like me.
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Right?
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Soak it up, you guys we're here.
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And then we get to Hawaii and I remember, oh wait.
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I have three teenagers.
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Oh,
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no.
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And, and
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wherever you go, here you are.
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Yeah.
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It's not all warm and fuzzy and happy and all on board with everything that is on.
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Oh, hard.
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Yeah.
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Cheryl, so we were.
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Getting ready to leave.
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I was packing up, I was wrapping up everything we had actually emailed and I was kind of telling you, you know, when we were leaving and such, and you responded, and the last line that you wrote me said, have a great time, have a blast.
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But as you're loading up your luggage, leave your baggage of expectations in the garage.
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Oh my goodness.
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That's so good, Cheryl.
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I just thought, oh, I love that analogy.
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And I knew because we process life together a lot and I knew what I would do.
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And that really is what I need!
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yeah,
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take your luggage, leave your baggage
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Uhhuh.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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So
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how did that go?
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Yeah,
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did leave that baggage at home.
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That just, I just remember that I thought that's so timely.
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That's so perfect.
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Thank Cheryl.
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Bye.
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And I just, I kept going back to that and I'm thinking that was kind of a game changer and I used that on my trip.
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Okay.
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So let me ask you, you know, when You checked your bags, y'all at that big carousel and you're picking up your luggage.
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All that.
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Did you pick up that one?
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You're really recognized and know real well, comfortable with?.
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Did you pick up that baggage of expectations?
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I totally picked it up.
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So then there you are on the beach and it's perfect.
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Did you look over and, and next to your little chair, did you have that little baggage of expectation that you opened up there?
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I brought it with me.
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My, my, yeah.
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Trusty bag of expectations
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of, oh
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yeah.
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And the bigger question, did everyone with you say, mom, I love this baggage that you brought with you.
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No, we wanna honor it and respect it and treat it lovely and on, you know?
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No, exactly.
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I'm sure no.
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So talk to us about it.
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How did that play out?
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Like you say, what a setup, Christie.
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It's not like going down in Oklahoma City or maybe Dallas for the day
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mm-hmm.
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it's just a setup for horrible expectations.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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Let me ask you, Christie, would you have carried.
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That baggage with you as well.
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I know, I would've, mine wouldn't have been crammed into one little container.
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I probably would've had two or three.
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Mm-hmm.
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Oh yeah.
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I mean, I would have expectations even before I got there.
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Absolutely.
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As I'm planning the trip, as I'm thinking about it, you're building up in your mind what it's gonna be like and, and then you get there and even I'm sure arriving you were thinking,
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mm-hmm
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this is what we'll do this day.
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This is how everyone.
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And will respond.
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This is how everyone that's with me.
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'cause there's six of you.
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Yes.
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Right?
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Yes.
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And the extended family that you saw.
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Mm-hmm.
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Imagining how everyone would be so delighted to be on a family vacation at Christmas in a beautiful environment.
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Exactly.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Is that what What it looked like?
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No.
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No.
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There was complaining.
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There was, I don't wanna do that.
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I just wanna sleep.
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I don't wanna go to the beach.
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I don't wanna, it was just arguing.
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Competition, jockeying for position.
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Who's sitting where in the car?
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Who wants what to eat?
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I'm tired.
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I'm hungry.
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Oh, you guys,
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so what was do with that?
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Did you verbalize your expectations to the family before you went?
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Did you say it out loud?
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Oh, no.
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Did
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you verbalize while you were there?
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To say it out loud.
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No, I just assumed everyone would be so thankful.
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Oh,
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and so happy, and so overjoy.
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Appreciative.
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Appreciative.
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Oh mom, please let me go get your coffee downstairs and you just rest a little longer.
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Yes,
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yes.
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You're talking about how you identify.
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This is the stranglehold of my life and everybody in my life for most of my life, because y'all know as we come in here, I'm not a.
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Cup half full person.
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I am a cup flowing over the top with.
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The expectation of what life can be, what this relationship can be, what this conversation can be.
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Mm-hmm.
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Look at the beauty, look at this opportunity.
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You know, particularly I would carry the weight of the ages of your children because I would say, oh, they're getting ready to graduate and leave, and we have this one sliver of an opportunity.
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Yeah, let's just.
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Suck the marrow out of the bone at every moment.
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I mean, I, and I wouldn't verbalize all of that.
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Yeah.
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This will probably never happen again.
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We've thought this will be something we'll always remember.
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Let's make it count.
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That was in my mind.
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Of course.
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Yeah.
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It feels silly even talking about it because I, it's such a privilege and a blessing to be able to go, and it seems like I'm complaining, oh, woe is me, and I don't want it to come across that way.
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I think I just, I did a lot of processing because I was, it was kind of ruining my trip, honestly.
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I was upset that, you know, everyone wasn't enjoying it or fighting or complaining, but.
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I, so I processed a lot about it, and I actually put this reminder on my phone that I read every single morning of my trip.
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Wow.
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And it said, I am not responsible for everyone's emotional responses today.
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Mm.
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That is
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so good.
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I'm not responsible for making this a trip of a lifetime for everyone.
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I'm responsible for modeling being a mother who rests and enjoys herself.
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Wow.
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That's amazing.
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Yeah.
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That is really good because.
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You know, we're talking about this trip of a lifetime that you went on, but the truth is we all do it.
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Mm-hmm.
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Whether it be taking your preschoolers to target
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Yes.
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Or you know, a romantic date night or Yeah, even just a Wednesday.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I mean, we just have expectations for how our lives should go.
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And so what I'm hearing you say is you.
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Have those here at home.
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They were still with you there in Hawaii.
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Just like I have the same thing anywhere I am.
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And so I'm just wondering like.
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How do we manage that?
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I mean, I think a big part of it's what you said is you have control over your own emotions and your own responses, but not the emotions and responses of the people you care about and are surrounded with and taking ownership of that.
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Absolutely.
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I mean, we are just a mess, aren't we?
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Mm-hmm.
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Because.
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You just framed it saying, I feel so guilty because this was the trip of a lifetime, but I'm saying, yeah, but when I fix pancakes for breakfast
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mm-hmm.
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In everyday life,
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right?
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I can ruin the experience because of my expectations of whatever it is.
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Well, not in, not just the daily.
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Circumstances and events, but the bigger scale of life Absolutely.
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Of this is the reality that I find myself in.
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Yes.
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Whether it's something that someone else chose for me or I chose for myself.
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Yeah.
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Or just natural circumstances.
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Yeah.
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That we, that nobody had any control over.
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I know
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he keeps sneaking up and honestly, I, I even feel exhausted this morning, guys.
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I, this morning was even hard.
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I'm like, why can't we just start our day without.
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The drama without the comments, without the complaining.
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I, it's just, I feel exhausted.
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And I'm just wondering, is it something mothers in general feel?
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Is it a personality thing?
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I just feel like I'm absorbing things so deeply and it's wearing me out.
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Yes! me for sure! Okay.
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Inside it's so true.
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We have those expectations.
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I just say they're a stranglehold.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And, and I didn't always verbalize, I just internalized a lot of it.
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Yes,
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that's right.
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And I was complaining and disappointed, and so they might be doing the noise of it.
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Mm-hmm.
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Out loud.
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But I'm doing it inside, whether it's.
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In the morning, it's a target.
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Mm-hmm.
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It's something big or little.
00:11:45.859 --> 00:11:46.099
Mm-hmm.
00:11:46.428 --> 00:11:54.198
The hard thing though is that my expectations are lovely things like why wouldn't you wanna just have fun?
00:11:54.859 --> 00:11:54.979
Mm-hmm.
00:11:54.980 --> 00:11:55.124
On the beach in Hawaii?
00:11:55.124 --> 00:11:55.323
Mm-hmm.
00:11:55.328 --> 00:11:58.999
Why would you want to absolutely just enjoy the pancakes?
00:11:58.999 --> 00:12:02.989
Like, of course in my brain, my expectations are.
00:12:03.083 --> 00:12:05.903
Good and just and righteous expectations.
00:12:05.909 --> 00:12:06.149
That's true and true.
00:12:06.149 --> 00:12:07.793
Everyone should just get on board.
00:12:07.793 --> 00:12:09.833
I'm so you.
00:12:09.984 --> 00:12:22.884
You will expect everyone to just feel that way the same way you do, but we forget that they have their own way of processing life and their own expectations and their own desires that they're working with
00:12:23.297 --> 00:12:25.126
also, collectively.
00:12:25.206 --> 00:12:28.417
Our ages and I add a lot to that.
00:12:28.547 --> 00:12:31.636
Look what we're expecting of less mature.
00:12:31.937 --> 00:12:32.297
That's true.
00:12:32.297 --> 00:12:35.653
Undeveloped growing up children.
00:12:35.714 --> 00:12:36.224
Mm-hmm.
00:12:36.703 --> 00:12:37.063
Okay.
00:12:37.153 --> 00:12:42.823
And we can expand our expectations, our unlimited right to other people, but particularly our children.
00:12:44.323 --> 00:12:46.573
I know I think about teenagers and.
00:12:47.269 --> 00:12:49.609
I'm sitting here thinking, why not suck it up?
00:12:49.609 --> 00:12:50.149
Why not?
00:12:50.594 --> 00:12:57.828
Let's, let's go lay out at the pool and swim and play water volleyball and they're dragging their feet.
00:12:57.828 --> 00:13:02.328
But, you know, in their mind, I think they're saying, do I, do I look okay?
00:13:02.734 --> 00:13:04.953
Who's gonna be watching me?
00:13:04.953 --> 00:13:06.124
How do I feel?
00:13:06.124 --> 00:13:13.984
Like all those teenage things that are just, you know, it's not defiance and it's not necessarily selfishness.
00:13:13.984 --> 00:13:16.864
It's more based out of insecurity and immaturity
00:13:17.104 --> 00:13:20.283
and maybe just priorities, you know, as the mom.
00:13:20.578 --> 00:13:21.269
Role.
00:13:21.269 --> 00:13:30.328
You have the priority of making memories with your children and creating a family atmosphere of fun and laughter and joy.
00:13:31.168 --> 00:13:34.948
The priorities of a 16-year-old are not,
00:13:35.249 --> 00:13:35.609
that's so
00:13:35.609 --> 00:13:35.729
true.
00:13:35.729 --> 00:13:40.019
To create family memories, they are wondering what cute boys are gonna be on this beach.
00:13:40.139 --> 00:13:40.229
Mm-hmm.
00:13:40.469 --> 00:13:43.499
And is my Instagram photo gonna look just right?
00:13:43.499 --> 00:13:44.129
Mm-hmm.
00:13:44.369 --> 00:13:45.719
They pick the right to wear.
00:13:45.719 --> 00:13:46.078
Yes.
00:13:46.078 --> 00:13:48.688
They have different priorities that they are.
00:13:49.053 --> 00:13:50.254
Uh, keeping it front of mind.
00:13:50.313 --> 00:14:01.203
And I think if like we were handling this the way we would like to, wouldn't it have been an interesting conversation to have everybody sit down and say, so what are your expectations?
00:14:01.744 --> 00:14:01.774
Mm.
00:14:01.864 --> 00:14:07.024
And shockingly what would come out of every single mouth, I think would be very different.
00:14:07.083 --> 00:14:07.203
Mm-hmm.
00:14:07.203 --> 00:14:07.443
Yeah.
00:14:07.778 --> 00:14:09.308
I'm just, I'm thinking about that.
00:14:09.308 --> 00:14:09.759
Yes.
00:14:09.818 --> 00:14:10.839
It'd be so different
00:14:11.078 --> 00:14:13.778
If we were handling it the way we would like to handle Right.
00:14:14.048 --> 00:14:16.509
In that perfect parenting and human being.
00:14:16.538 --> 00:14:16.629
Mm-hmm.
00:14:16.869 --> 00:14:23.360
And I can even think, you know, we're talking about the immaturity of children, but, You know, you said it as a mom thing.
00:14:23.360 --> 00:14:26.240
As a personality, and I think it's all of that.
00:14:26.270 --> 00:14:31.400
I think women, particularly mothers, I think we tend to be high on the expectations.
00:14:31.400 --> 00:14:31.490
Mm-hmm.
00:14:31.821 --> 00:14:33.051
Without verbalizing it.
00:14:33.110 --> 00:14:33.171
Yeah.
00:14:33.500 --> 00:14:34.821
I don't know if we said it here.
00:14:35.030 --> 00:14:44.130
The problem is I didn't verbalize all my expectations, uh, until I boiled over maybe, but sometimes with Bill.
00:14:44.451 --> 00:14:46.971
You know, inside.
00:14:47.571 --> 00:14:53.721
I thought if I tell him what I want and then he does it, it doesn't really count.
00:14:54.441 --> 00:14:54.620
Yeah.
00:14:54.620 --> 00:14:58.341
And when we would have these honest, mature, real.
00:14:58.410 --> 00:15:00.150
Good conversations.
00:15:00.150 --> 00:15:03.240
He would say, honey, I had no idea that's what you wanted.
00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:04.980
I would've been glad to do it.
00:15:05.010 --> 00:15:05.880
I didn't know.
00:15:06.181 --> 00:15:07.350
Why didn't you tell me?
00:15:07.860 --> 00:15:15.510
And then see it is, um, A double whammy because I had the expectation, but then I didn't want to tell him.
00:15:15.515 --> 00:15:15.846
Mm-hmm.
00:15:15.926 --> 00:15:17.245
Because then that ruined.
00:15:17.306 --> 00:15:17.725
Mm-hmm.
00:15:17.811 --> 00:15:21.301
The fact, oh, it's not genuine if I tell you to do it Right, you do it.
00:15:21.301 --> 00:15:21.926
You have to read
00:15:22.306 --> 00:15:23.296
you to be a mind reader.
00:15:23.296 --> 00:15:23.505
Yeah.
00:15:23.535 --> 00:15:24.225
There we are.
00:15:24.525 --> 00:15:25.605
And a heart reader.
00:15:25.635 --> 00:15:26.086
Mm-hmm.
00:15:26.326 --> 00:15:27.615
I have to know what you want.
00:15:27.676 --> 00:15:33.780
And particularly different love languages or temperaments and everything else.
00:15:33.961 --> 00:15:34.380
Mm-hmm.
00:15:34.725 --> 00:15:35.296
You know?
00:15:35.416 --> 00:15:35.985
Um.
00:15:36.308 --> 00:15:53.808
I remember somebody one time and we were at a family function and people were just around having good times and he was standing on stairs and it was a lovely home and it was out back going to this beautiful pool, and he was just standing there looking out and I thought, wow.
00:15:54.139 --> 00:15:55.099
He is just like.
00:15:55.519 --> 00:16:02.989
Pulling all this in and processing all of this and you know, it just, the look on his face.
00:16:03.019 --> 00:16:06.259
I could tell there was something really deep going on.
00:16:06.494 --> 00:16:06.783
Okay.
00:16:06.788 --> 00:16:08.479
'cause that's the kind of person I am, right?
00:16:08.899 --> 00:16:17.109
And so I said, okay, I just have to ask you what are you thinking that look on your face is so intriguing.
00:16:17.379 --> 00:16:18.639
What are you thinking?
00:16:19.058 --> 00:16:19.599
And he said.
00:16:20.094 --> 00:16:22.433
Oh, that this is a really good cup of coffee.
00:16:23.751 --> 00:16:24.351
Cha-ching.
00:16:24.351 --> 00:16:25.581
You know Cheryl?
00:16:25.611 --> 00:16:25.881
Okay.
00:16:25.881 --> 00:16:27.381
I'm thinking about that.
00:16:27.442 --> 00:16:32.422
He must have just had a real gift of staying there in the moment.
00:16:32.631 --> 00:16:33.052
Yes,
00:16:33.322 --> 00:16:36.142
and that's something I've been working on because I can get.
00:16:36.386 --> 00:16:40.287
So wrapped up in future plans.
00:16:40.287 --> 00:16:44.397
I've always been this way since my kids were young, you know, even positive and negative.
00:16:44.397 --> 00:16:46.557
If they told one little white lie, I was like, oh, that's it.
00:16:46.557 --> 00:16:50.517
They're gonna end up in prison forever and, you know, be criminals.
00:16:51.326 --> 00:16:53.517
Or, you know, if, if I wanted a.
00:16:53.586 --> 00:16:55.567
Big positive outcome.
00:16:55.567 --> 00:17:00.067
You know, I was just thinking of that all the time, working towards it, and I'm still that way.
00:17:00.336 --> 00:17:14.076
Even though my kids are grown, I have these Christmas images painted in my mind, or travel plans painted in my mind of how things should be, and especially now that my kids are adults.
00:17:14.126 --> 00:17:17.817
Because now they have full reign over their own lives.
00:17:18.102 --> 00:17:21.432
And they're all doing great, but I'm not in control of them.
00:17:22.781 --> 00:17:29.902
Not that I ever really was, but um, you know, just, So back to the guy with the cup of coffee.
00:17:29.902 --> 00:17:38.061
I think living in this moment right now with things the way they are right now, and yes, of course we make plans for the future.
00:17:38.092 --> 00:17:38.301
Yeah.
00:17:38.392 --> 00:17:44.811
And we wanna be wise, but savoring and enjoying what is good to, to be enjoyed in this moment.
00:17:45.317 --> 00:17:52.817
Ev, you know, not trying to manipulate or control or change anything, I think is, is where joy can be found.
00:17:52.817 --> 00:17:52.826
Hmm.
00:17:53.896 --> 00:17:57.076
All of us would've blown the trip'cause we would've had that baggage with us.
00:17:57.082 --> 00:17:57.362
Mm-hmm.
00:17:57.451 --> 00:18:02.672
Well, I was just wondering like is so how do we deal with our expectations?
00:18:03.001 --> 00:18:03.451
Do we.
00:18:04.251 --> 00:18:05.392
Have less of them?
00:18:05.451 --> 00:18:07.971
Do we just throw some of them out with the trash?
00:18:08.422 --> 00:18:11.122
Do we verbalize them?
00:18:11.422 --> 00:18:14.301
Do we just lay them all down?
00:18:14.332 --> 00:18:14.721
You know,
00:18:14.781 --> 00:18:15.711
I think yes.
00:18:16.071 --> 00:18:16.731
Yeah.
00:18:16.731 --> 00:18:18.382
I mean, you know, you gotta pick and choose.
00:18:18.382 --> 00:18:21.652
Some of them need to go away because they're not realistic.
00:18:21.652 --> 00:18:21.711
Yeah,
00:18:21.892 --> 00:18:22.071
right.
00:18:22.071 --> 00:18:29.362
Some of them we do need to vocalize what we need from a relationship or an experience to the rest of the people involved.
00:18:29.842 --> 00:18:30.501
And then.
00:18:30.676 --> 00:18:36.767
Sometimes I think yeah, we might just be, um, needing to be content.
00:18:36.886 --> 00:18:37.096
Yeah.
00:18:37.096 --> 00:18:38.027
With the way things are.
00:18:38.666 --> 00:18:46.047
So the bog of my expectations and all that yucky stuff, that's kind of what we've just talked here.
00:18:46.047 --> 00:18:52.497
here We process kind of your experience, but both of us, it's our experience and I've never been to Hawaii.
00:18:52.646 --> 00:18:52.737
Mm-hmm.
00:18:53.576 --> 00:18:54.567
Um, what about.
00:18:55.557 --> 00:18:59.547
If we come back in and then we go, so what are we gonna do with it?
00:18:59.967 --> 00:19:04.455
Because I think everyone starting with waking up in the morning
00:19:04.576 --> 00:19:04.665
mm-hmm.
00:19:04.935 --> 00:19:06.826
We struggle with our expectations.
00:19:06.921 --> 00:19:07.490
Yes.
00:19:07.490 --> 00:19:07.580
Yes.
00:19:08.540 --> 00:19:11.151
So you wanna come back and let's talk about what would we do with them?
00:19:11.421 --> 00:19:11.721
Yeah.
00:19:11.871 --> 00:19:12.351
Okay.
00:19:12.651 --> 00:19:13.221
Sounds good.
00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:16.101
So parents, hang in there.
00:19:16.310 --> 00:19:19.760
Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
00:19:21.929 --> 00:19:34.743
I think for me, this just looks like catching that moment when something starts to tighten and asking why does this feel off when nothing is actually wrong?
00:19:36.644 --> 00:19:39.374
Because sometimes it isn't what's happening.
00:19:40.243 --> 00:19:48.973
I've just started holding onto what I wanted it to be more than the people right in front of me.
00:19:50.114 --> 00:19:52.993
And that's a shift I don't want to miss.
00:19:54.013 --> 00:19:59.743
I want to keep choosing them even when the moment isn't what I pictured.
00:20:00.554 --> 00:20:01.634
So this week.
00:20:02.398 --> 00:20:08.519
I'm going to try to notice it sooner and come back to what actually matters.
00:20:10.348 --> 00:20:16.798
You can always reach out at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us online.
00:20:17.699 --> 00:20:20.278
I'm really glad we got to sit in this together.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:05.339
as you're loading up your luggage, leave your baggage of expectations in the garage.
00:00:07.384 --> 00:00:21.513
I can take something really good, a trip, a family day, even just a normal morning, and slowly feel it slipping through my hands.
00:00:22.899 --> 00:00:31.899
Not because anything's wrong, but because it isn't going the way I thought it would.
00:00:32.918 --> 00:00:41.259
And I can feel that gap sometimes between what's actually happening and what I was hoping for.
00:00:41.889 --> 00:00:47.918
And when I stop and look at it, a lot of that gap is expectations.
00:00:48.668 --> 00:00:50.904
So today we're going to look at that a little.
00:00:51.704 --> 00:00:55.423
And how it shapes the way we show up for our kids.
00:01:03.363 --> 00:01:07.144
Well, we've got our little trio in here again today.
00:01:07.174 --> 00:01:07.263
Yes.
00:01:07.263 --> 00:01:07.774
Hi.
00:01:07.804 --> 00:01:09.243
Hi, Kyla Pace.
00:01:09.243 --> 00:01:11.823
Welcome back again to the recording studio.
00:01:11.853 --> 00:01:12.634
Good to be here.
00:01:12.634 --> 00:01:14.188
Our T-P-P-B-F-F.
00:01:14.194 --> 00:01:14.373
Yes,
00:01:16.293 --> 00:01:17.224
that is true.
00:01:17.733 --> 00:01:23.784
And you know, we always say i'm glad when you come in to record with us because I love the three of us being together.
00:01:23.813 --> 00:01:24.174
Yeah.
00:01:24.233 --> 00:01:25.733
Just processing life together.
00:01:25.823 --> 00:01:26.093
Same.
00:01:26.569 --> 00:01:27.233
It was so fun.
00:01:27.424 --> 00:01:27.784
Okay.
00:01:28.144 --> 00:01:30.034
So what's been going on?
00:01:30.084 --> 00:01:31.343
What's been happening in your life?
00:01:31.403 --> 00:01:33.623
Well, we've had a, a busy season.
00:01:33.653 --> 00:01:35.274
I've had a bunch of birthdays.
00:01:35.784 --> 00:01:37.433
We have all winter birthdays and, uh,
00:01:38.573 --> 00:01:39.743
so that gives you
00:01:39.774 --> 00:01:41.243
three teenagers, you guys.
00:01:41.784 --> 00:01:41.843
Whoa.
00:01:41.843 --> 00:01:42.713
Wow.
00:01:43.164 --> 00:01:44.453
Christie, you fell the weight to that.
00:01:44.453 --> 00:01:44.993
Yes,
00:01:45.054 --> 00:01:45.323
yes.
00:01:45.323 --> 00:01:48.713
Well, and I remember when they were not teenagers, they were just little bitties.
00:01:49.103 --> 00:01:50.543
So it's crazy to hear that.
00:01:50.623 --> 00:01:50.933
Mm-hmm.
00:01:51.534 --> 00:01:51.834
Yeah.
00:01:51.894 --> 00:01:56.384
So in January my son turn 13, my daughter turned 16.
00:01:57.043 --> 00:01:57.103
Wow.
00:01:57.103 --> 00:01:58.483
My other daughter's 14.
00:01:58.513 --> 00:02:00.884
So there's a lot of emotions, feelings.
00:02:01.153 --> 00:02:02.233
Oh my word, I bet.
00:02:02.414 --> 00:02:04.034
Going on around our house and it's.
00:02:04.358 --> 00:02:05.049
Awesome.
00:02:05.049 --> 00:02:06.069
And a lot.
00:02:06.069 --> 00:02:10.299
But I was gonna tell you guys, this Christmas was really fun.
00:02:10.299 --> 00:02:13.459
We were to go on an epic trip.
00:02:13.856 --> 00:02:14.486
of just worked out.
00:02:14.486 --> 00:02:16.046
We went to Hawaii.
00:02:16.262 --> 00:02:18.181
Oh, see, Christy, I don't know if you knew it.
00:02:18.222 --> 00:02:19.151
Oh my goodness.
00:02:19.151 --> 00:02:20.352
How fun.
00:02:20.352 --> 00:02:20.562
Yeah.
00:02:20.681 --> 00:02:22.472
Yes, I mean, I just think about.
00:02:22.688 --> 00:02:23.649
Dismal.
00:02:23.649 --> 00:02:24.818
December and January.
00:02:25.204 --> 00:02:25.554
Uhhuh.
00:02:25.633 --> 00:02:25.873
Yeah.
00:02:25.929 --> 00:02:27.699
And she got Hawaii?
00:02:27.818 --> 00:02:29.558
Yes.
00:02:29.558 --> 00:02:29.568
Yes.
00:02:29.808 --> 00:02:30.438
It was great.
00:02:30.438 --> 00:02:41.368
And honestly I feel a little bit, uh, even spoiled and blessed that we were able to do that, but we were able to get our flights for free with points.
00:02:41.368 --> 00:02:44.429
So yeah, my friend Emily, who lives.
00:02:44.794 --> 00:02:45.633
On Oahu.
00:02:45.633 --> 00:02:47.734
We stayed with her for a few days.
00:02:47.783 --> 00:02:49.133
I had other family there.
00:02:49.133 --> 00:02:50.963
We, we just made it work.
00:02:50.963 --> 00:02:51.653
But I love it.
00:02:51.653 --> 00:02:54.954
Tim and I were actually married there I didn't know that Kyla.
00:02:56.973 --> 00:02:57.274
Yeah.
00:02:57.324 --> 00:02:59.468
So part of my heart and my family is there.
00:02:59.468 --> 00:02:59.528
Yeah.
00:02:59.609 --> 00:02:59.848
That's
00:02:59.848 --> 00:03:00.028
so
00:03:00.028 --> 00:03:00.598
cool.
00:03:00.718 --> 00:03:00.868
Yeah.
00:03:00.968 --> 00:03:05.618
But anyway, it was, it was great and it all came together and it was.
00:03:06.318 --> 00:03:07.639
Wonderful.
00:03:07.639 --> 00:03:13.908
And so I just went with so much excitement and anticipation and you guys, this is gonna be a trip of a lifetime.
00:03:13.908 --> 00:03:16.188
Let's soak up every minute together.
00:03:16.218 --> 00:03:16.878
Oh, I hear ya.
00:03:16.878 --> 00:03:17.209
Yeah.
00:03:17.269 --> 00:03:17.449
And
00:03:17.449 --> 00:03:18.438
that sounds like me.
00:03:18.438 --> 00:03:18.679
Right?
00:03:18.679 --> 00:03:21.348
Soak it up, you guys we're here.
00:03:21.348 --> 00:03:24.993
And then we get to Hawaii and I remember, oh wait.
00:03:25.489 --> 00:03:26.868
I have three teenagers.
00:03:26.868 --> 00:03:26.929
Oh,
00:03:26.929 --> 00:03:27.139
no.
00:03:27.723 --> 00:03:28.397
And, and
00:03:28.397 --> 00:03:30.768
wherever you go, here you are.
00:03:31.487 --> 00:03:31.548
Yeah.
00:03:31.548 --> 00:03:38.663
It's not all warm and fuzzy and happy and all on board with everything that is on.
00:03:38.663 --> 00:03:39.062
Oh, hard.
00:03:39.062 --> 00:03:39.182
Yeah.
00:03:39.568 --> 00:03:40.587
Cheryl, so we were.
00:03:41.402 --> 00:03:42.453
Getting ready to leave.
00:03:42.453 --> 00:03:56.680
I was packing up, I was wrapping up everything we had actually emailed and I was kind of telling you, you know, when we were leaving and such, and you responded, and the last line that you wrote me said, have a great time, have a blast.
00:03:56.979 --> 00:04:02.689
But as you're loading up your luggage, leave your baggage of expectations in the garage.
00:04:03.169 --> 00:04:04.129
Oh my goodness.
00:04:04.129 --> 00:04:05.360
That's so good, Cheryl.
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:09.427
I just thought, oh, I love that analogy.
00:04:10.032 --> 00:04:14.385
And I knew because we process life together a lot and I knew what I would do.
00:04:14.385 --> 00:04:16.555
And that really is what I need!
00:04:16.646 --> 00:04:16.887
yeah,
00:04:16.947 --> 00:04:18.927
take your luggage, leave your baggage
00:04:18.982 --> 00:04:19.331
Uhhuh.
00:04:19.682 --> 00:04:19.971
Yeah.
00:04:20.322 --> 00:04:20.612
Okay.
00:04:20.697 --> 00:04:21.146
So
00:04:21.146 --> 00:04:22.107
how did that go?
00:04:22.137 --> 00:04:22.766
Yeah,
00:04:22.766 --> 00:04:23.512
did leave that baggage at home.
00:04:23.822 --> 00:04:26.666
That just, I just remember that I thought that's so timely.
00:04:26.666 --> 00:04:27.507
That's so perfect.
00:04:27.507 --> 00:04:28.317
Thank Cheryl.
00:04:28.317 --> 00:04:28.766
Bye.
00:04:29.125 --> 00:04:38.755
And I just, I kept going back to that and I'm thinking that was kind of a game changer and I used that on my trip.
00:04:39.413 --> 00:04:39.742
Okay.
00:04:39.862 --> 00:04:46.992
So let me ask you, you know, when You checked your bags, y'all at that big carousel and you're picking up your luggage.
00:04:46.992 --> 00:04:47.442
All that.
00:04:47.862 --> 00:04:49.242
Did you pick up that one?
00:04:49.242 --> 00:04:52.512
You're really recognized and know real well, comfortable with?.
00:04:52.702 --> 00:04:55.028
Did you pick up that baggage of expectations?
00:04:55.057 --> 00:04:56.317
I totally picked it up.
00:04:56.317 --> 00:04:59.767
So then there you are on the beach and it's perfect.
00:04:59.817 --> 00:05:06.958
Did you look over and, and next to your little chair, did you have that little baggage of expectation that you opened up there?
00:05:07.017 --> 00:05:08.127
I brought it with me.
00:05:08.127 --> 00:05:09.148
My, my, yeah.
00:05:09.208 --> 00:05:11.668
Trusty bag of expectations
00:05:11.668 --> 00:05:12.267
of, oh
00:05:12.387 --> 00:05:12.478
yeah.
00:05:12.478 --> 00:05:20.067
And the bigger question, did everyone with you say, mom, I love this baggage that you brought with you.
00:05:20.338 --> 00:05:24.747
No, we wanna honor it and respect it and treat it lovely and on, you know?
00:05:25.108 --> 00:05:25.557
No, exactly.
00:05:25.588 --> 00:05:26.747
I'm sure no.
00:05:27.846 --> 00:05:29.377
So talk to us about it.
00:05:29.377 --> 00:05:30.576
How did that play out?
00:05:30.607 --> 00:05:33.666
Like you say, what a setup, Christie.
00:05:33.966 --> 00:05:38.016
It's not like going down in Oklahoma City or maybe Dallas for the day
00:05:38.057 --> 00:05:38.266
mm-hmm.
00:05:38.860 --> 00:05:41.560
it's just a setup for horrible expectations.
00:05:41.591 --> 00:05:41.831
Yeah.
00:05:42.105 --> 00:05:42.396
Yeah.
00:05:42.461 --> 00:05:42.610
Okay.
00:05:42.610 --> 00:05:44.596
Let me ask you, Christie, would you have carried.
00:05:44.971 --> 00:05:47.000
That baggage with you as well.
00:05:47.269 --> 00:05:52.069
I know, I would've, mine wouldn't have been crammed into one little container.
00:05:52.069 --> 00:05:53.629
I probably would've had two or three.
00:05:53.660 --> 00:05:53.959
Mm-hmm.
00:05:54.529 --> 00:05:55.009
Oh yeah.
00:05:55.009 --> 00:05:58.579
I mean, I would have expectations even before I got there.
00:05:58.850 --> 00:05:59.360
Absolutely.
00:05:59.449 --> 00:06:10.879
As I'm planning the trip, as I'm thinking about it, you're building up in your mind what it's gonna be like and, and then you get there and even I'm sure arriving you were thinking,
00:06:10.910 --> 00:06:11.120
mm-hmm
00:06:11.389 --> 00:06:12.920
this is what we'll do this day.
00:06:12.920 --> 00:06:13.670
This is how everyone.
00:06:13.699 --> 00:06:14.839
And will respond.
00:06:14.839 --> 00:06:16.639
This is how everyone that's with me.
00:06:16.670 --> 00:06:18.110
'cause there's six of you.
00:06:18.170 --> 00:06:18.319
Yes.
00:06:18.324 --> 00:06:18.425
Right?
00:06:18.444 --> 00:06:18.665
Yes.
00:06:18.670 --> 00:06:20.720
And the extended family that you saw.
00:06:20.779 --> 00:06:20.899
Mm-hmm.
00:06:21.230 --> 00:06:29.930
Imagining how everyone would be so delighted to be on a family vacation at Christmas in a beautiful environment.
00:06:30.170 --> 00:06:30.829
Exactly.
00:06:30.829 --> 00:06:31.160
Yeah.
00:06:31.220 --> 00:06:31.579
Yeah.
00:06:32.339 --> 00:06:33.870
Is that what What it looked like?
00:06:34.105 --> 00:06:34.324
No.
00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:35.370
No.
00:06:35.699 --> 00:06:36.899
There was complaining.
00:06:36.899 --> 00:06:39.120
There was, I don't wanna do that.
00:06:39.120 --> 00:06:40.290
I just wanna sleep.
00:06:40.290 --> 00:06:42.240
I don't wanna go to the beach.
00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:46.319
I don't wanna, it was just arguing.
00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:49.199
Competition, jockeying for position.
00:06:49.620 --> 00:06:51.329
Who's sitting where in the car?
00:06:51.870 --> 00:06:53.579
Who wants what to eat?
00:06:53.819 --> 00:06:54.629
I'm tired.
00:06:54.629 --> 00:06:55.379
I'm hungry.
00:06:56.699 --> 00:06:57.750
Oh, you guys,
00:06:57.750 --> 00:06:59.579
so what was do with that?
00:07:00.552 --> 00:07:05.562
Did you verbalize your expectations to the family before you went?
00:07:05.682 --> 00:07:06.702
Did you say it out loud?
00:07:06.762 --> 00:07:07.168
Oh, no.
00:07:07.168 --> 00:07:07.213
Did
00:07:08.052 --> 00:07:09.908
you verbalize while you were there?
00:07:10.492 --> 00:07:11.512
To say it out loud.
00:07:11.543 --> 00:07:16.942
No, I just assumed everyone would be so thankful.
00:07:17.062 --> 00:07:17.302
Oh,
00:07:17.302 --> 00:07:21.083
and so happy, and so overjoy.
00:07:21.083 --> 00:07:21.502
Appreciative.
00:07:21.502 --> 00:07:21.512
Appreciative.
00:07:21.512 --> 00:07:27.413
Oh mom, please let me go get your coffee downstairs and you just rest a little longer.
00:07:27.497 --> 00:07:28.038
Yes,
00:07:28.098 --> 00:07:28.367
yes.
00:07:28.589 --> 00:07:30.089
You're talking about how you identify.
00:07:30.360 --> 00:07:37.949
This is the stranglehold of my life and everybody in my life for most of my life, because y'all know as we come in here, I'm not a.
00:07:38.610 --> 00:07:40.379
Cup half full person.
00:07:40.379 --> 00:07:43.500
I am a cup flowing over the top with.
00:07:43.569 --> 00:07:50.019
The expectation of what life can be, what this relationship can be, what this conversation can be.
00:07:50.048 --> 00:07:50.228
Mm-hmm.
00:07:50.468 --> 00:07:53.108
Look at the beauty, look at this opportunity.
00:07:53.559 --> 00:08:06.769
You know, particularly I would carry the weight of the ages of your children because I would say, oh, they're getting ready to graduate and leave, and we have this one sliver of an opportunity.
00:08:07.309 --> 00:08:08.178
Yeah, let's just.
00:08:08.649 --> 00:08:11.709
Suck the marrow out of the bone at every moment.
00:08:12.038 --> 00:08:15.098
I mean, I, and I wouldn't verbalize all of that.
00:08:15.098 --> 00:08:15.158
Yeah.
00:08:15.158 --> 00:08:17.079
This will probably never happen again.
00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:20.108
We've thought this will be something we'll always remember.
00:08:20.108 --> 00:08:21.009
Let's make it count.
00:08:21.069 --> 00:08:21.848
That was in my mind.
00:08:21.908 --> 00:08:22.538
Of course.
00:08:22.778 --> 00:08:22.838
Yeah.
00:08:23.709 --> 00:08:35.408
It feels silly even talking about it because I, it's such a privilege and a blessing to be able to go, and it seems like I'm complaining, oh, woe is me, and I don't want it to come across that way.
00:08:35.408 --> 00:08:43.719
I think I just, I did a lot of processing because I was, it was kind of ruining my trip, honestly.
00:08:44.109 --> 00:08:49.828
I was upset that, you know, everyone wasn't enjoying it or fighting or complaining, but.
00:08:50.354 --> 00:08:58.384
I, so I processed a lot about it, and I actually put this reminder on my phone that I read every single morning of my trip.
00:08:58.894 --> 00:08:58.953
Wow.
00:08:58.953 --> 00:09:03.543
And it said, I am not responsible for everyone's emotional responses today.
00:09:03.754 --> 00:09:03.783
Mm.
00:09:03.813 --> 00:09:04.188
That is
00:09:04.193 --> 00:09:04.714
so good.
00:09:04.714 --> 00:09:08.644
I'm not responsible for making this a trip of a lifetime for everyone.
00:09:08.703 --> 00:09:13.953
I'm responsible for modeling being a mother who rests and enjoys herself.
00:09:14.043 --> 00:09:14.464
Wow.
00:09:14.553 --> 00:09:15.484
That's amazing.
00:09:15.484 --> 00:09:15.634
Yeah.
00:09:15.663 --> 00:09:16.668
That is really good because.
00:09:17.403 --> 00:09:24.543
You know, we're talking about this trip of a lifetime that you went on, but the truth is we all do it.
00:09:24.548 --> 00:09:24.708
Mm-hmm.
00:09:24.788 --> 00:09:27.274
Whether it be taking your preschoolers to target
00:09:27.453 --> 00:09:27.844
Yes.
00:09:27.844 --> 00:09:32.913
Or you know, a romantic date night or Yeah, even just a Wednesday.
00:09:33.149 --> 00:09:33.428
Yeah.
00:09:33.433 --> 00:09:33.903
Yeah.
00:09:33.903 --> 00:09:36.453
I mean, we just have expectations for how our lives should go.
00:09:37.769 --> 00:09:40.563
And so what I'm hearing you say is you.
00:09:40.938 --> 00:09:42.499
Have those here at home.
00:09:42.499 --> 00:09:44.509
They were still with you there in Hawaii.
00:09:44.538 --> 00:09:48.379
Just like I have the same thing anywhere I am.
00:09:48.379 --> 00:09:49.734
And so I'm just wondering like.
00:09:50.614 --> 00:09:52.354
How do we manage that?
00:09:52.354 --> 00:10:05.323
I mean, I think a big part of it's what you said is you have control over your own emotions and your own responses, but not the emotions and responses of the people you care about and are surrounded with and taking ownership of that.
00:10:05.354 --> 00:10:05.897
Absolutely.
00:10:06.283 --> 00:10:07.873
I mean, we are just a mess, aren't we?
00:10:07.873 --> 00:10:08.592
Mm-hmm.
00:10:08.594 --> 00:10:08.604
Because.
00:10:08.802 --> 00:10:18.673
You just framed it saying, I feel so guilty because this was the trip of a lifetime, but I'm saying, yeah, but when I fix pancakes for breakfast
00:10:18.702 --> 00:10:19.243
mm-hmm.
00:10:19.682 --> 00:10:21.092
In everyday life,
00:10:21.092 --> 00:10:21.482
right?
00:10:22.653 --> 00:10:28.947
I can ruin the experience because of my expectations of whatever it is.
00:10:28.976 --> 00:10:30.986
Well, not in, not just the daily.
00:10:31.706 --> 00:10:35.662
Circumstances and events, but the bigger scale of life Absolutely.
00:10:35.841 --> 00:10:39.057
Of this is the reality that I find myself in.
00:10:39.086 --> 00:10:39.386
Yes.
00:10:39.417 --> 00:10:44.336
Whether it's something that someone else chose for me or I chose for myself.
00:10:44.397 --> 00:10:44.486
Yeah.
00:10:44.486 --> 00:10:46.736
Or just natural circumstances.
00:10:46.736 --> 00:10:46.797
Yeah.
00:10:46.797 --> 00:10:49.287
That we, that nobody had any control over.
00:10:49.947 --> 00:10:50.486
I know
00:10:51.027 --> 00:10:55.167
he keeps sneaking up and honestly, I, I even feel exhausted this morning, guys.
00:10:55.167 --> 00:10:57.567
I, this morning was even hard.
00:10:57.567 --> 00:11:01.017
I'm like, why can't we just start our day without.
00:11:01.422 --> 00:11:04.631
The drama without the comments, without the complaining.
00:11:05.261 --> 00:11:08.022
I, it's just, I feel exhausted.
00:11:08.022 --> 00:11:13.422
And I'm just wondering, is it something mothers in general feel?
00:11:13.422 --> 00:11:14.892
Is it a personality thing?
00:11:14.892 --> 00:11:19.361
I just feel like I'm absorbing things so deeply and it's wearing me out.
00:11:19.851 --> 00:11:21.658
Yes! me for sure! Okay.
00:11:21.708 --> 00:11:22.999
Inside it's so true.
00:11:22.999 --> 00:11:24.619
We have those expectations.
00:11:24.889 --> 00:11:26.328
I just say they're a stranglehold.
00:11:26.333 --> 00:11:26.543
Yeah.
00:11:26.869 --> 00:11:27.168
Yeah.
00:11:27.173 --> 00:11:31.548
And, and I didn't always verbalize, I just internalized a lot of it.
00:11:31.849 --> 00:11:31.999
Yes,
00:11:31.999 --> 00:11:32.208
that's right.
00:11:32.208 --> 00:11:37.749
And I was complaining and disappointed, and so they might be doing the noise of it.
00:11:37.778 --> 00:11:37.869
Mm-hmm.
00:11:38.109 --> 00:11:38.708
Out loud.
00:11:39.278 --> 00:11:41.349
But I'm doing it inside, whether it's.
00:11:42.078 --> 00:11:43.698
In the morning, it's a target.
00:11:43.703 --> 00:11:43.844
Mm-hmm.
00:11:43.928 --> 00:11:45.589
It's something big or little.
00:11:45.859 --> 00:11:46.099
Mm-hmm.
00:11:46.428 --> 00:11:54.198
The hard thing though is that my expectations are lovely things like why wouldn't you wanna just have fun?
00:11:54.859 --> 00:11:54.979
Mm-hmm.
00:11:54.980 --> 00:11:55.124
On the beach in Hawaii?
00:11:55.124 --> 00:11:55.323
Mm-hmm.
00:11:55.328 --> 00:11:58.999
Why would you want to absolutely just enjoy the pancakes?
00:11:58.999 --> 00:12:02.989
Like, of course in my brain, my expectations are.
00:12:03.083 --> 00:12:05.903
Good and just and righteous expectations.
00:12:05.909 --> 00:12:06.149
That's true and true.
00:12:06.149 --> 00:12:07.793
Everyone should just get on board.
00:12:07.793 --> 00:12:09.833
I'm so you.
00:12:09.984 --> 00:12:22.884
You will expect everyone to just feel that way the same way you do, but we forget that they have their own way of processing life and their own expectations and their own desires that they're working with
00:12:23.297 --> 00:12:25.126
also, collectively.
00:12:25.206 --> 00:12:28.417
Our ages and I add a lot to that.
00:12:28.547 --> 00:12:31.636
Look what we're expecting of less mature.
00:12:31.937 --> 00:12:32.297
That's true.
00:12:32.297 --> 00:12:35.653
Undeveloped growing up children.
00:12:35.714 --> 00:12:36.224
Mm-hmm.
00:12:36.703 --> 00:12:37.063
Okay.
00:12:37.153 --> 00:12:42.823
And we can expand our expectations, our unlimited right to other people, but particularly our children.
00:12:44.323 --> 00:12:46.573
I know I think about teenagers and.
00:12:47.269 --> 00:12:49.609
I'm sitting here thinking, why not suck it up?
00:12:49.609 --> 00:12:50.149
Why not?
00:12:50.594 --> 00:12:57.828
Let's, let's go lay out at the pool and swim and play water volleyball and they're dragging their feet.
00:12:57.828 --> 00:13:02.328
But, you know, in their mind, I think they're saying, do I, do I look okay?
00:13:02.734 --> 00:13:04.953
Who's gonna be watching me?
00:13:04.953 --> 00:13:06.124
How do I feel?
00:13:06.124 --> 00:13:13.984
Like all those teenage things that are just, you know, it's not defiance and it's not necessarily selfishness.
00:13:13.984 --> 00:13:16.864
It's more based out of insecurity and immaturity
00:13:17.104 --> 00:13:20.283
and maybe just priorities, you know, as the mom.
00:13:20.578 --> 00:13:21.269
Role.
00:13:21.269 --> 00:13:30.328
You have the priority of making memories with your children and creating a family atmosphere of fun and laughter and joy.
00:13:31.168 --> 00:13:34.948
The priorities of a 16-year-old are not,
00:13:35.249 --> 00:13:35.609
that's so
00:13:35.609 --> 00:13:35.729
true.
00:13:35.729 --> 00:13:40.019
To create family memories, they are wondering what cute boys are gonna be on this beach.
00:13:40.139 --> 00:13:40.229
Mm-hmm.
00:13:40.469 --> 00:13:43.499
And is my Instagram photo gonna look just right?
00:13:43.499 --> 00:13:44.129
Mm-hmm.
00:13:44.369 --> 00:13:45.719
They pick the right to wear.
00:13:45.719 --> 00:13:46.078
Yes.
00:13:46.078 --> 00:13:48.688
They have different priorities that they are.
00:13:49.053 --> 00:13:50.254
Uh, keeping it front of mind.
00:13:50.313 --> 00:14:01.203
And I think if like we were handling this the way we would like to, wouldn't it have been an interesting conversation to have everybody sit down and say, so what are your expectations?
00:14:01.744 --> 00:14:01.774
Mm.
00:14:01.864 --> 00:14:07.024
And shockingly what would come out of every single mouth, I think would be very different.
00:14:07.083 --> 00:14:07.203
Mm-hmm.
00:14:07.203 --> 00:14:07.443
Yeah.
00:14:07.778 --> 00:14:09.308
I'm just, I'm thinking about that.
00:14:09.308 --> 00:14:09.759
Yes.
00:14:09.818 --> 00:14:10.839
It'd be so different
00:14:11.078 --> 00:14:13.778
If we were handling it the way we would like to handle Right.
00:14:14.048 --> 00:14:16.509
In that perfect parenting and human being.
00:14:16.538 --> 00:14:16.629
Mm-hmm.
00:14:16.869 --> 00:14:23.360
And I can even think, you know, we're talking about the immaturity of children, but, You know, you said it as a mom thing.
00:14:23.360 --> 00:14:26.240
As a personality, and I think it's all of that.
00:14:26.270 --> 00:14:31.400
I think women, particularly mothers, I think we tend to be high on the expectations.
00:14:31.400 --> 00:14:31.490
Mm-hmm.
00:14:31.821 --> 00:14:33.051
Without verbalizing it.
00:14:33.110 --> 00:14:33.171
Yeah.
00:14:33.500 --> 00:14:34.821
I don't know if we said it here.
00:14:35.030 --> 00:14:44.130
The problem is I didn't verbalize all my expectations, uh, until I boiled over maybe, but sometimes with Bill.
00:14:44.451 --> 00:14:46.971
You know, inside.
00:14:47.571 --> 00:14:53.721
I thought if I tell him what I want and then he does it, it doesn't really count.
00:14:54.441 --> 00:14:54.620
Yeah.
00:14:54.620 --> 00:14:58.341
And when we would have these honest, mature, real.
00:14:58.410 --> 00:15:00.150
Good conversations.
00:15:00.150 --> 00:15:03.240
He would say, honey, I had no idea that's what you wanted.
00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:04.980
I would've been glad to do it.
00:15:05.010 --> 00:15:05.880
I didn't know.
00:15:06.181 --> 00:15:07.350
Why didn't you tell me?
00:15:07.860 --> 00:15:15.510
And then see it is, um, A double whammy because I had the expectation, but then I didn't want to tell him.
00:15:15.515 --> 00:15:15.846
Mm-hmm.
00:15:15.926 --> 00:15:17.245
Because then that ruined.
00:15:17.306 --> 00:15:17.725
Mm-hmm.
00:15:17.811 --> 00:15:21.301
The fact, oh, it's not genuine if I tell you to do it Right, you do it.
00:15:21.301 --> 00:15:21.926
You have to read
00:15:22.306 --> 00:15:23.296
you to be a mind reader.
00:15:23.296 --> 00:15:23.505
Yeah.
00:15:23.535 --> 00:15:24.225
There we are.
00:15:24.525 --> 00:15:25.605
And a heart reader.
00:15:25.635 --> 00:15:26.086
Mm-hmm.
00:15:26.326 --> 00:15:27.615
I have to know what you want.
00:15:27.676 --> 00:15:33.780
And particularly different love languages or temperaments and everything else.
00:15:33.961 --> 00:15:34.380
Mm-hmm.
00:15:34.725 --> 00:15:35.296
You know?
00:15:35.416 --> 00:15:35.985
Um.
00:15:36.308 --> 00:15:53.808
I remember somebody one time and we were at a family function and people were just around having good times and he was standing on stairs and it was a lovely home and it was out back going to this beautiful pool, and he was just standing there looking out and I thought, wow.
00:15:54.139 --> 00:15:55.099
He is just like.
00:15:55.519 --> 00:16:02.989
Pulling all this in and processing all of this and you know, it just, the look on his face.
00:16:03.019 --> 00:16:06.259
I could tell there was something really deep going on.
00:16:06.494 --> 00:16:06.783
Okay.
00:16:06.788 --> 00:16:08.479
'cause that's the kind of person I am, right?
00:16:08.899 --> 00:16:17.109
And so I said, okay, I just have to ask you what are you thinking that look on your face is so intriguing.
00:16:17.379 --> 00:16:18.639
What are you thinking?
00:16:19.058 --> 00:16:19.599
And he said.
00:16:20.094 --> 00:16:22.433
Oh, that this is a really good cup of coffee.
00:16:23.751 --> 00:16:24.351
Cha-ching.
00:16:24.351 --> 00:16:25.581
You know Cheryl?
00:16:25.611 --> 00:16:25.881
Okay.
00:16:25.881 --> 00:16:27.381
I'm thinking about that.
00:16:27.442 --> 00:16:32.422
He must have just had a real gift of staying there in the moment.
00:16:32.631 --> 00:16:33.052
Yes,
00:16:33.322 --> 00:16:36.142
and that's something I've been working on because I can get.
00:16:36.386 --> 00:16:40.287
So wrapped up in future plans.
00:16:40.287 --> 00:16:44.397
I've always been this way since my kids were young, you know, even positive and negative.
00:16:44.397 --> 00:16:46.557
If they told one little white lie, I was like, oh, that's it.
00:16:46.557 --> 00:16:50.517
They're gonna end up in prison forever and, you know, be criminals.
00:16:51.326 --> 00:16:53.517
Or, you know, if, if I wanted a.
00:16:53.586 --> 00:16:55.567
Big positive outcome.
00:16:55.567 --> 00:17:00.067
You know, I was just thinking of that all the time, working towards it, and I'm still that way.
00:17:00.336 --> 00:17:14.076
Even though my kids are grown, I have these Christmas images painted in my mind, or travel plans painted in my mind of how things should be, and especially now that my kids are adults.
00:17:14.126 --> 00:17:17.817
Because now they have full reign over their own lives.
00:17:18.102 --> 00:17:21.432
And they're all doing great, but I'm not in control of them.
00:17:22.781 --> 00:17:29.902
Not that I ever really was, but um, you know, just, So back to the guy with the cup of coffee.
00:17:29.902 --> 00:17:38.061
I think living in this moment right now with things the way they are right now, and yes, of course we make plans for the future.
00:17:38.092 --> 00:17:38.301
Yeah.
00:17:38.392 --> 00:17:44.811
And we wanna be wise, but savoring and enjoying what is good to, to be enjoyed in this moment.
00:17:45.317 --> 00:17:52.817
Ev, you know, not trying to manipulate or control or change anything, I think is, is where joy can be found.
00:17:52.817 --> 00:17:52.826
Hmm.
00:17:53.896 --> 00:17:57.076
All of us would've blown the trip'cause we would've had that baggage with us.
00:17:57.082 --> 00:17:57.362
Mm-hmm.
00:17:57.451 --> 00:18:02.672
Well, I was just wondering like is so how do we deal with our expectations?
00:18:03.001 --> 00:18:03.451
Do we.
00:18:04.251 --> 00:18:05.392
Have less of them?
00:18:05.451 --> 00:18:07.971
Do we just throw some of them out with the trash?
00:18:08.422 --> 00:18:11.122
Do we verbalize them?
00:18:11.422 --> 00:18:14.301
Do we just lay them all down?
00:18:14.332 --> 00:18:14.721
You know,
00:18:14.781 --> 00:18:15.711
I think yes.
00:18:16.071 --> 00:18:16.731
Yeah.
00:18:16.731 --> 00:18:18.382
I mean, you know, you gotta pick and choose.
00:18:18.382 --> 00:18:21.652
Some of them need to go away because they're not realistic.
00:18:21.652 --> 00:18:21.711
Yeah,
00:18:21.892 --> 00:18:22.071
right.
00:18:22.071 --> 00:18:29.362
Some of them we do need to vocalize what we need from a relationship or an experience to the rest of the people involved.
00:18:29.842 --> 00:18:30.501
And then.
00:18:30.676 --> 00:18:36.767
Sometimes I think yeah, we might just be, um, needing to be content.
00:18:36.886 --> 00:18:37.096
Yeah.
00:18:37.096 --> 00:18:38.027
With the way things are.
00:18:38.666 --> 00:18:46.047
So the bog of my expectations and all that yucky stuff, that's kind of what we've just talked here.
00:18:46.047 --> 00:18:52.497
here We process kind of your experience, but both of us, it's our experience and I've never been to Hawaii.
00:18:52.646 --> 00:18:52.737
Mm-hmm.
00:18:53.576 --> 00:18:54.567
Um, what about.
00:18:55.557 --> 00:18:59.547
If we come back in and then we go, so what are we gonna do with it?
00:18:59.967 --> 00:19:04.455
Because I think everyone starting with waking up in the morning
00:19:04.576 --> 00:19:04.665
mm-hmm.
00:19:04.935 --> 00:19:06.826
We struggle with our expectations.
00:19:06.921 --> 00:19:07.490
Yes.
00:19:07.490 --> 00:19:07.580
Yes.
00:19:08.540 --> 00:19:11.151
So you wanna come back and let's talk about what would we do with them?
00:19:11.421 --> 00:19:11.721
Yeah.
00:19:11.871 --> 00:19:12.351
Okay.
00:19:12.651 --> 00:19:13.221
Sounds good.
00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:16.101
So parents, hang in there.
00:19:16.310 --> 00:19:19.760
Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
00:19:21.929 --> 00:19:34.743
I think for me, this just looks like catching that moment when something starts to tighten and asking why does this feel off when nothing is actually wrong?
00:19:36.644 --> 00:19:39.374
Because sometimes it isn't what's happening.
00:19:40.243 --> 00:19:48.973
I've just started holding onto what I wanted it to be more than the people right in front of me.
00:19:50.114 --> 00:19:52.993
And that's a shift I don't want to miss.
00:19:54.013 --> 00:19:59.743
I want to keep choosing them even when the moment isn't what I pictured.
00:20:00.554 --> 00:20:01.634
So this week.
00:20:02.398 --> 00:20:08.519
I'm going to try to notice it sooner and come back to what actually matters.
00:20:10.348 --> 00:20:16.798
You can always reach out at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us online.
00:20:17.699 --> 00:20:20.278
I'm really glad we got to sit in this together.
