Overcommitted? Why Runners Take On Too Much (and How to Fix It)

WEBVTT
00:00:03.297 --> 00:00:07.637
Welcome to the Mindset for Runners podcast, helping you to access and unlock
00:00:07.637 --> 00:00:09.457
your true potential as an athlete.
00:00:14.877 --> 00:00:18.057
Hey, it's Rob. Welcome to this episode. So glad you're here.
00:00:18.197 --> 00:00:21.797
If you're watching the video, you'll see I'm wearing my Costa Kosciuszko hoodie.
00:00:22.237 --> 00:00:25.797
I just want to say congratulations to all the athletes that have been accepted this year.
00:00:26.117 --> 00:00:29.137
I don't think they've actually been released yet as yet so it's so
00:00:29.137 --> 00:00:32.417
exciting getting that email or that call from the race directors to say we've
00:00:32.417 --> 00:00:35.297
chosen you for the race this year amongst the hundreds of
00:00:35.297 --> 00:00:38.717
people that they get applying is really a vote for
00:00:38.717 --> 00:00:41.337
their confidence in you that you can finish they only want people who can
00:00:41.337 --> 00:00:44.077
finish the race so all of those have been successful this year
00:00:44.077 --> 00:00:46.977
congratulations i can't wait to see how your
00:00:46.977 --> 00:00:49.957
training and your race unfolds quick update from
00:00:49.957 --> 00:00:53.137
me i'm back running again i've had a bit of a setback
00:00:53.137 --> 00:00:55.797
this year with more tendonitis i know
00:00:55.797 --> 00:00:58.977
what's going on with my maybe it's my aging tendons
00:00:58.977 --> 00:01:02.017
but i've had a lot of trouble with patellar tendinopathy over
00:01:02.017 --> 00:01:05.257
the last six months i came back to training
00:01:05.257 --> 00:01:08.617
it was going really well and the tendinopathy came back it's been
00:01:08.617 --> 00:01:11.297
like a bit of a roller coaster for me the last six weeks have been
00:01:11.297 --> 00:01:14.437
going quite well training wise i had a few personal
00:01:14.437 --> 00:01:17.537
issues that i've been working through my best mate
00:01:17.537 --> 00:01:20.857
passed away a month ago today so these things
00:01:20.857 --> 00:01:25.517
have really been affecting my life and my training i'm getting back on board
00:01:25.517 --> 00:01:30.437
and not training for anything yet but just happy to be running again and building
00:01:30.437 --> 00:01:35.477
back my mileage and you know i'm dealing with grief at the moment as well and
00:01:35.477 --> 00:01:39.437
working through that so a lot going on in my life as well as normal but.
00:01:40.837 --> 00:01:45.057
Episode is going to be, it's something that was born about six months ago for me.
00:01:45.177 --> 00:01:49.217
And it was in our Mindset for Runners community that we started talking about
00:01:49.217 --> 00:01:52.977
how we take on too much stuff in our lives.
00:01:53.117 --> 00:01:54.377
And it was a great discussion in
00:01:54.377 --> 00:01:58.357
the community because I was realizing personally, I was working full time.
00:01:58.537 --> 00:02:00.537
I was studying a psychology degree.
00:02:01.057 --> 00:02:07.737
I was trying to be at every one of my two kids' soccer training and events after school.
00:02:07.837 --> 00:02:12.097
I was coaching my daughter's soccer training team twice a week and the games.
00:02:12.457 --> 00:02:18.097
I was trying to be a good husband and good around in a house and maintaining
00:02:18.097 --> 00:02:23.537
our house, have some kind of social life, as well as trying to train for an ultra myself.
00:02:23.777 --> 00:02:26.297
And I was like, have I taken on too much?
00:02:26.677 --> 00:02:31.537
What's going on in my life that I'm constantly thinking about being efficient
00:02:31.537 --> 00:02:36.197
and trying to be productive and working things into my schedule and not wanting
00:02:36.197 --> 00:02:40.277
to stop and talk to that person on the street because I could be doing something
00:02:40.277 --> 00:02:42.577
better with my time. And I wonder if you can relate to this.
00:02:42.897 --> 00:02:47.097
So I was like, what's going on that I feel like I want to experience all these
00:02:47.097 --> 00:02:56.297
things in my life, but is it at a detriment to me as my health or me as a husband and as a father?
00:02:56.517 --> 00:02:59.817
And so I started asking these questions and I opened it up to our community
00:02:59.817 --> 00:03:02.157
saying, what's your experience with that?
00:03:02.337 --> 00:03:06.037
And got some great responses I'm gonna start with those responses just so you
00:03:06.037 --> 00:03:11.217
get a bit of an idea because so I want you to really relate to to this this
00:03:11.217 --> 00:03:16.117
topic today so here's a few that you might just relate to it's quite long-winded but.
00:03:16.792 --> 00:03:20.112
Stay with me. Here's what I've observed in myself and others.
00:03:20.292 --> 00:03:24.172
It may feel like others might not put their hand up to volunteer,
00:03:24.352 --> 00:03:25.612
so I volunteer for things.
00:03:25.972 --> 00:03:28.672
It's easier to do it for yourself and ask others.
00:03:29.132 --> 00:03:33.472
Maybe I have no clear understanding of my capacity, like I'm in a reactive state,
00:03:33.492 --> 00:03:35.592
so I just say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
00:03:36.492 --> 00:03:39.352
Perhaps I have no clear boundaries or orientation of what I want to be doing,
00:03:39.512 --> 00:03:41.792
so you do everything that is asked of you.
00:03:42.612 --> 00:03:46.112
My sense of self is tied to my output.
00:03:46.432 --> 00:03:49.492
I wonder if you can relate to that one. That's a big thing that came up in the
00:03:49.492 --> 00:03:50.892
literature when I was reading through the studies.
00:03:51.292 --> 00:03:54.572
Being useful, again, is a pillar of my identity.
00:03:55.012 --> 00:03:59.312
So every time I have the opportunity to be useful to someone else, I say yes.
00:04:00.192 --> 00:04:06.072
Fear of having nothing to do. Trying to create resolution. So having a feeling of chaos.
00:04:06.332 --> 00:04:09.752
So you're always trying to find the thing that will ease the feeling.
00:04:09.872 --> 00:04:13.872
If I solve this, I will be okay. so you stay busy.
00:04:14.232 --> 00:04:18.392
It's once been said by a very wise friend of mine that relief is the number
00:04:18.392 --> 00:04:21.212
one feeling that people are trying to experience on the planet.
00:04:21.432 --> 00:04:25.132
And so if we can create all these things and then we can fix them,
00:04:25.492 --> 00:04:28.212
we feel a sense of accomplishment and possibly relief.
00:04:29.712 --> 00:04:32.712
Here's a simpler thing, and this is another side of it. I don't want to make
00:04:32.712 --> 00:04:36.632
this a negative podcast because over committing things, you might want that
00:04:36.632 --> 00:04:40.752
richness of life and adventure and a full life and doing all these wonderful things.
00:04:41.232 --> 00:04:44.852
So this is from Kim, another person in our community. I genuinely want to do
00:04:44.852 --> 00:04:48.092
a lot of things for fun, connection with others, curiosity to have different
00:04:48.092 --> 00:04:52.472
experiences, interest in building knowledge or skills, and just wanting to participate
00:04:52.472 --> 00:04:56.152
fully in all the amazing things life has to offer.
00:04:57.292 --> 00:05:01.812
And I'm going to share a few more, just snippets so you can get into it.
00:05:03.572 --> 00:05:07.412
I think the reason is I enjoy doing too many things and I'm determined to fit
00:05:07.412 --> 00:05:10.652
those things in because I think life should be enjoyable.
00:05:11.192 --> 00:05:15.572
I want to be able to look back at the end of it and say, wow, that was a great time.
00:05:15.812 --> 00:05:19.252
And not, wow, I survived so many years of sleep, eat, work, repeat.
00:05:19.812 --> 00:05:22.812
So here's a few more things you might identify with.
00:05:23.672 --> 00:05:27.512
Diversifying my identity so I'm not just all in one aspect of my life.
00:05:27.652 --> 00:05:32.132
For example, if I'm injured and I can't run, then I haven't lost everything.
00:05:32.252 --> 00:05:33.972
I still have these other aspects of my life.
00:05:34.852 --> 00:05:38.452
A desire to help others It's in my values I value curiosity,
00:05:38.452 --> 00:05:41.852
adventure, learning, self-development And that leads to I want to try everything
00:05:41.852 --> 00:05:47.472
Go everywhere, meet everyone And learn as much as possible And I.
00:05:48.849 --> 00:05:52.089
Yeah. So I hope you can relate to some of those because what we're going to
00:05:52.089 --> 00:05:57.789
do in this podcast, the reason we're unpacking this is so you can maybe see it in your life.
00:05:57.909 --> 00:06:01.769
And is it something that you experience over committing or taking on too much
00:06:01.769 --> 00:06:04.689
or whatever word you want to put it? It doesn't have to be a negative thing again.
00:06:05.209 --> 00:06:09.349
And I'm going to give you some strategies towards the end that are going to
00:06:09.349 --> 00:06:12.849
help you to have the awareness around, are you over committed?
00:06:13.049 --> 00:06:17.009
And then some tools about how to deal with it. And like all of my podcasts,
00:06:17.149 --> 00:06:18.969
what I offer you is like a platter of food.
00:06:19.109 --> 00:06:22.409
You can take from it what you want. If you don't like it, spit it out and try
00:06:22.409 --> 00:06:25.009
something else or take it as you will.
00:06:25.649 --> 00:06:30.709
Let's get into it. Where have I got this from? This is from a whole bunch of research studies.
00:06:30.849 --> 00:06:32.769
I can link them all in the show notes or you can contact me.
00:06:32.869 --> 00:06:34.709
Actually, just contact me instead of me putting in the show notes.
00:06:34.809 --> 00:06:37.909
If you want to actually get the studies, if you're a nerd like me,
00:06:38.209 --> 00:06:42.209
I can send them to you. It's from podcasts. It's from articles.
00:06:42.549 --> 00:06:47.129
It's from so much stuff that I've put together, as usual, to make this simple
00:06:47.129 --> 00:06:50.689
for you and practical for you. So let's get on with it.
00:06:51.009 --> 00:06:55.269
Why do we, and let's use the term, overcommit or take on too much.
00:06:55.949 --> 00:06:59.949
What's going on that we're doing it? So we need to look behind the scenes.
00:07:00.029 --> 00:07:02.489
It's been said that overcommitment is not a time management problem.
00:07:02.649 --> 00:07:07.029
It's a psychological issue, if you like it that way. So let's look at what it might be.
00:07:07.289 --> 00:07:12.229
Fear of letting people down. So maybe you're letting people down by saying no.
00:07:12.389 --> 00:07:16.049
You feel as though you're letting them down and they're going to have to struggle
00:07:16.049 --> 00:07:18.109
through this thing without your help.
00:07:18.269 --> 00:07:20.949
It could be at home, at work, even in your running group, for example.
00:07:21.509 --> 00:07:25.869
Saying yes when you mean maybe, right? So someone has an idea and you're like,
00:07:26.349 --> 00:07:29.129
well, that could, I really would like to do that.
00:07:29.249 --> 00:07:31.909
But instead of that's a maybe, you automatically say yes.
00:07:32.129 --> 00:07:36.609
And that's my dog, Tilly, you can hear scratching and scratching my rug in front of me.
00:07:37.089 --> 00:07:41.869
Tying your identity to be the one who can handle it or do it all, right?
00:07:42.229 --> 00:07:47.229
I can do that. I can do that. I can do that. Just because you can doesn't mean you should, right?
00:07:47.529 --> 00:07:51.109
Using busyness as a way to feel in control. This is what Tim alluded to in that
00:07:51.109 --> 00:07:53.109
earlier thing, which is...
00:07:54.179 --> 00:07:59.399
Feeling as though I've got all of these things going on and that if I can throw
00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:04.639
10 balls into the air and manage them all, that I'm actually in control.
00:08:04.779 --> 00:08:08.859
So I create chaos in order to control it.
00:08:09.059 --> 00:08:11.059
I wonder if you can relate to that one because I surely can.
00:08:11.559 --> 00:08:15.019
So let's go to the light side of it. Again, like a couple of people said it
00:08:15.019 --> 00:08:18.799
from the community, it's really about experience the fullness of life,
00:08:19.199 --> 00:08:23.159
saying yes to that growth, to that challenge, chasing our dreams and our holding back.
00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:29.579
And the old adage was say yes and then work out how later, right? I really do love that.
00:08:29.979 --> 00:08:34.339
It's just being careful in what you're giving your yes to. And again,
00:08:34.459 --> 00:08:37.919
it's been said, every time you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else.
00:08:38.179 --> 00:08:42.519
And every time you say yes to something, we're going to get to this in a minute,
00:08:42.699 --> 00:08:46.839
but every time you say yes to something, we need to make sure that it's really
00:08:46.839 --> 00:08:50.619
aligned with our values, our purpose, our higher reason.
00:08:50.859 --> 00:08:55.419
Otherwise, when the time comes to actually fulfill and come through with your
00:08:55.419 --> 00:09:01.019
yes, that's when you go, why did I say yes to that thing? So I'm going to give
00:09:01.019 --> 00:09:02.459
you some techniques for that. Don't worry.
00:09:03.239 --> 00:09:06.159
So yeah, it's not about you being stuck with all this.
00:09:06.279 --> 00:09:10.559
It can sometimes be that you're just so energized by it all and you want to
00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:15.779
have a good kind of awareness of your life to say, have I got my finger in too
00:09:15.779 --> 00:09:18.839
many pies or do I want to put my finger in more pies?
00:09:18.839 --> 00:09:22.759
Right okay so let's move on to some reasons you
00:09:22.759 --> 00:09:26.239
and also you know what it might be costing you so
00:09:26.239 --> 00:09:31.619
all the studies i read there is a link between over commitment and health why
00:09:31.619 --> 00:09:39.299
is that over commitment can lead to stress because you switch on your fight
00:09:39.299 --> 00:09:42.499
and flight system which fight or flight freeze foreign system which i know you
00:09:42.499 --> 00:09:45.459
you've heard me talk about a lot of times and everyone else is talking about most podcasts.
00:09:45.839 --> 00:09:50.779
So what happens is when you start to handle all these open tabs in your mind,
00:09:51.019 --> 00:09:53.479
your brain starts to perceive them as a threat.
00:09:53.619 --> 00:09:55.859
It's like, I've got to do that, that, that, that, and that.
00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:59.939
And how am I going to actually achieve that? So it starts to be a threat.
00:10:00.099 --> 00:10:06.859
So you start to release the stress hormones to help you be in a heightened state
00:10:06.859 --> 00:10:10.779
to actually deal with all these things. Now that heightened state can be very pleasurable.
00:10:10.979 --> 00:10:14.399
Like I can't wait to do this, this, this. My weekend's completely jam-packed.
00:10:14.499 --> 00:10:15.639
It's going to be awesome, right?
00:10:15.939 --> 00:10:19.499
And it can also be, oh my gosh, this week I'm just completely snowed under.
00:10:19.579 --> 00:10:23.859
I've said yes to too many things and I feel that stress.
00:10:24.119 --> 00:10:26.619
And so when we're in that stress state for a prolonged period,
00:10:26.979 --> 00:10:31.119
that can be caused length to chronic health issues.
00:10:31.219 --> 00:10:37.279
It can be lack of sleep, for example, but it has a spiral downward effect for
00:10:37.279 --> 00:10:38.799
the long-term stress stuff as well.
00:10:38.939 --> 00:10:44.099
I'm not going to go into it right now because I'm sure you can imagine where they go to. So.
00:10:45.159 --> 00:10:50.619
Let's just think about if you say yes to so many things, there's a likelihood
00:10:50.619 --> 00:10:54.479
that you could turn up a little bit half-arsed to a lot of those things,
00:10:54.519 --> 00:10:56.219
if you can understand what I mean.
00:10:57.719 --> 00:11:03.439
What do we want to do about it? Let's go into the what and the how of this episode.
00:11:04.199 --> 00:11:07.199
First of all, if we can understand that it is an identity problem,
00:11:07.339 --> 00:11:08.919
we can look through some of these filters.
00:11:09.339 --> 00:11:12.259
I'm not saying these are going on for you. Again, it's a platter of food.
00:11:12.379 --> 00:11:14.999
If it hands with you good if not let's move on to
00:11:14.999 --> 00:11:18.579
the next one here's what might be going on people pleasing
00:11:18.579 --> 00:11:21.759
right you want to be the reliable one you want to be the one that everyone
00:11:21.759 --> 00:11:25.739
relies on and you want to make people feel good and you want to say yes yes
00:11:25.739 --> 00:11:30.379
yes yes and you never want to say no because that would mean you're selfish
00:11:30.379 --> 00:11:33.899
you're rude you've let people down you know you're not being altruistic and
00:11:33.899 --> 00:11:38.879
you're not being giving and and growing and all that so you try to squeeze.
00:11:39.439 --> 00:11:42.299
Everything in that you can but it becomes
00:11:42.299 --> 00:11:45.039
a detriment to you and let's put it in the context of you're training for
00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:47.759
a big race and it's really important to you really want
00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:51.059
this because you know that training for this race gives you you
00:11:51.059 --> 00:11:54.139
know focus it gives you commitment gives you determination you eat
00:11:54.139 --> 00:11:58.679
better you sleep better you're a better parent spouse friend because you're
00:11:58.679 --> 00:12:02.039
going after something that's important to you but then you start saying yes
00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:05.099
to all these other things that aren't aligned with your training or the race
00:12:05.099 --> 00:12:09.719
and so you start to miss a training session or not do that mobility workout
00:12:09.719 --> 00:12:12.579
or skip your strength session no runners ever skipped a strength
00:12:12.999 --> 00:12:16.579
session i know you start to do your
00:12:16.579 --> 00:12:21.239
session without intention because oh
00:12:21.239 --> 00:12:25.019
i've got to be at this place at 12 35 so
00:12:25.019 --> 00:12:27.759
i'm going to do my half hour also my
00:12:27.759 --> 00:12:31.939
hour easy run but i haven't got a time to do i've only got 45 minutes so i'm
00:12:31.939 --> 00:12:34.719
just going to do it a bit of a higher tempo and i'll miss the intention of the
00:12:34.719 --> 00:12:38.879
session or you're thinking in your easy run about all the things are going on
00:12:38.879 --> 00:12:43.759
in your life instead of your breathing and dropping your shoulders and relaxing
00:12:43.759 --> 00:12:46.159
and what the purpose of that run is.
00:12:46.359 --> 00:12:49.319
You've lost the intentionality because you're in the future the whole time.
00:12:50.079 --> 00:12:54.419
Here's the next one. Fear of success. This can be a bit weird,
00:12:54.539 --> 00:13:00.439
but perhaps, and this is just a perhaps, you've overcommitted outside of training
00:13:00.439 --> 00:13:03.039
to avoid really going all in on it.
00:13:03.179 --> 00:13:06.899
Because if I've got all this other stuff going on, it's easy to say,
00:13:07.059 --> 00:13:11.079
you know what, i was i was just too busy to put the hours and the effort in
00:13:11.079 --> 00:13:15.499
when in fact and here's you know again don't shoot the messenger you created
00:13:15.499 --> 00:13:19.239
the busyness because maybe somewhere inside you you're actually fearful that
00:13:19.239 --> 00:13:23.079
if you go all in on something you could actually be brilliant.
00:13:24.439 --> 00:13:28.479
And here's a question what what could happen if i actually gave this race,
00:13:29.567 --> 00:13:32.327
my full heart or go all in on this race
00:13:32.327 --> 00:13:35.127
next one's a FOMO the old fear of missing out
00:13:35.127 --> 00:13:38.147
so you don't want to miss out on the the group runs the party the drinks
00:13:38.147 --> 00:13:40.987
after work the extra project people are doing the trip
00:13:40.987 --> 00:13:47.467
away the weekend away all that stuff so yes yes yes yes yes and what's really
00:13:47.467 --> 00:13:52.047
mattering to you in your life your highest values are suffering because you
00:13:52.047 --> 00:13:55.947
want to be a part of all of these things again this is not to beat yourself
00:13:55.947 --> 00:13:59.147
up with it's just an awareness piece that could be happening for you.
00:14:00.047 --> 00:14:03.747
So what do we do about it? And I'm going to keep this practical because I found
00:14:03.747 --> 00:14:08.947
two of the best tools I really believe, but let's go through a bunch of them
00:14:08.947 --> 00:14:09.907
and see which ones you like.
00:14:10.107 --> 00:14:14.787
So the first thing is taking a zoom out and a big picture.
00:14:15.087 --> 00:14:19.387
There's a brilliant doctor, Dr. Emily Belchettis from university.
00:14:19.487 --> 00:14:22.287
I forget which university. She's been on Huberman Lab. She's been on all these
00:14:22.287 --> 00:14:24.227
podcasts, got a brilliant TED talk.
00:14:24.787 --> 00:14:28.607
She's all about goal setting and focus and how the focus that you put into your
00:14:28.607 --> 00:14:33.607
life expands and how we can control our focus to help us.
00:14:33.687 --> 00:14:40.747
For example, in one podcast, she talks about how we can focus in the immediacy when we are running.
00:14:41.187 --> 00:14:44.207
So instead of thinking about how far we've got to go, you probably heard me
00:14:44.207 --> 00:14:49.707
bang on about this before, we're focusing on what's happening right in front of us.
00:14:49.867 --> 00:14:52.727
Like David Roche, Megan Roche would say, let's left foot, right foot it.
00:14:52.887 --> 00:14:56.347
Or let's just get to the tree. Let's just get to the path. Let's just get to the telegraph pole.
00:14:56.767 --> 00:15:04.287
And she talks about how that process and getting really focused helps us with
00:15:04.287 --> 00:15:06.587
tasks and just getting through things.
00:15:06.907 --> 00:15:11.127
And if we zoom out and say, oh my gosh, I've still got to run 30 kilometers
00:15:11.127 --> 00:15:16.127
of this race, it can overwhelm us, right? So that's a way that she can shift our focus.
00:15:17.427 --> 00:15:21.767
Now, with working out if we've overcommitted or what we really want to put in
00:15:21.767 --> 00:15:25.127
our life, what we want to take out of our life, it's about zooming out.
00:15:25.127 --> 00:15:29.547
This is what Emily Balcedis is talking about, zooming out, reconnecting to your
00:15:29.547 --> 00:15:32.207
values, why you're doing it, and...
00:15:32.880 --> 00:15:37.000
And feeling those feelings to help you decide what to say yes or no to.
00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:39.400
For example, the race that you might be training for at the moment,
00:15:39.560 --> 00:15:43.640
if you can think about why you signed up for that in the first place,
00:15:43.840 --> 00:15:47.300
that's going to probably bring you to a high level of abstraction,
00:15:47.300 --> 00:15:53.560
give you more inspiration and more motivation than going to the gym to do your
00:15:53.560 --> 00:15:56.720
five sets of 10 squats, for example.
00:15:58.340 --> 00:16:01.240
So reconnecting with why you are
00:16:01.240 --> 00:16:04.080
doing things and how they connect to
00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:06.920
your values we're not talking about values what's the most important things
00:16:06.920 --> 00:16:14.160
in life so it might be family work health for example so then the one way of
00:16:14.160 --> 00:16:19.960
doing this is to ask everything you say yes to does it link to my highest values
00:16:19.960 --> 00:16:24.940
all right and i'm only going to say yes to it but the problem you might have and I might have,
00:16:25.140 --> 00:16:30.060
is that sometimes your yes comes too quickly to actually run it through that filter.
00:16:30.260 --> 00:16:34.900
So it sounds like one of these beautiful ideas, but in practice,
00:16:34.900 --> 00:16:38.780
you've already said yes because of the underlying things we talked about.
00:16:38.880 --> 00:16:41.200
You don't want to let people down. You want to have the experience.
00:16:41.200 --> 00:16:43.380
You want to be the one that people can rely on.
00:16:43.540 --> 00:16:47.060
You've said yes before, so that means you should say it again. Example.
00:16:47.960 --> 00:16:51.260
Practice saying no with love. We're going talk a bit more about this later on
00:16:51.260 --> 00:16:56.260
but these are ways that you can actually say no.
00:16:57.610 --> 00:17:01.710
You know, with love, right? So thanks so much for thinking of me.
00:17:01.850 --> 00:17:04.710
I'm just a bit stretched right now and I can't commit.
00:17:05.370 --> 00:17:09.210
This sounds awesome, but I have to say no now.
00:17:09.310 --> 00:17:14.070
If you put a because after it, it might help you and another person understand.
00:17:14.150 --> 00:17:19.770
I can't say yes right now because I've got so much on or because I've committed
00:17:19.770 --> 00:17:22.370
to this or you don't have to explain to people.
00:17:22.830 --> 00:17:26.810
Your no doesn't have to be qualified with her because of these reasons.
00:17:27.090 --> 00:17:32.870
It's okay to say no, because ultimately that person will probably just go, oh, that person said no.
00:17:32.990 --> 00:17:35.750
The next person I was going to ask was John.
00:17:36.010 --> 00:17:40.290
And instead, you're tied yourself in knots thinking that you're the only person
00:17:40.290 --> 00:17:43.350
in the world that can achieve this thing for that. I'd love to help.
00:17:43.930 --> 00:17:47.550
Can we revisit it next month after my race?
00:17:48.270 --> 00:17:50.850
That's another way of saying it. If you hear my dog, I'm not sure if you can.
00:17:50.950 --> 00:17:51.590
She's scratching around.
00:17:52.790 --> 00:17:58.270
So what else can we say? I'm going to take you to this next piece.
00:17:58.470 --> 00:18:03.710
This is called the Yes Damn Effect. It was first proposed by Gail Zorberman,
00:18:03.870 --> 00:18:06.550
University of North Carolina, and John Lynch of Jutjusa University.
00:18:06.790 --> 00:18:10.910
Quite simply, they were doing these studies on these people that had said yes
00:18:10.910 --> 00:18:12.270
to something in the moment.
00:18:12.370 --> 00:18:18.630
It might be, oh, could you help volunteer for this running evening next month?
00:18:18.830 --> 00:18:22.030
And everyone's like, that sounds great. Yes, I'm in. But when the running event
00:18:22.030 --> 00:18:26.490
evening comes along, you're like, why did I say yes to this?
00:18:26.550 --> 00:18:27.950
So they call it the yes damn effect.
00:18:28.170 --> 00:18:31.010
So yes, that sounds great. And then when you actually have to fulfill it,
00:18:31.130 --> 00:18:34.890
it's like, damn, why did I say yes to this? I'm sure you can relate to this.
00:18:35.290 --> 00:18:41.950
So what they did was, we need to talk this through.
00:18:42.890 --> 00:18:44.530
Emily Balchettis again says,
00:18:45.241 --> 00:18:50.341
The reason that we say yes to too many things is because our brain perceives
00:18:50.341 --> 00:18:54.461
future events differently than present right now events.
00:18:54.961 --> 00:19:01.121
So your calendar is probably freer in three weeks than it is this week, right?
00:19:01.241 --> 00:19:04.021
Just for the way that we put things into our calendar.
00:19:04.241 --> 00:19:08.721
But also temporarily, your brain thinks differently about three weeks,
00:19:08.881 --> 00:19:13.121
three months, three years in the future than it does three hours in the future.
00:19:13.121 --> 00:19:15.781
So it always perceives we're always perceiving that
00:19:15.781 --> 00:19:18.661
we will have more time to do things in the future
00:19:18.661 --> 00:19:21.841
now that naturally leads to yes yes yes
00:19:21.841 --> 00:19:24.941
yes yes right oh i'm sure
00:19:24.941 --> 00:19:28.221
i'll be able to have time for that thing that you've asked me to do in a few
00:19:28.221 --> 00:19:31.981
weeks but what happens is when the few weeks rolls around your calendar's filled
00:19:31.981 --> 00:19:36.661
up with the things that you you know probably more important to you or day-to-day
00:19:36.661 --> 00:19:41.021
things and all of a sudden this thing you said yes to is now a detriment to
00:19:41.021 --> 00:19:43.381
your life. So this is the yes damn effect.
00:19:43.801 --> 00:19:50.101
So what they've done to alleviate that is, would you say yes to this opportunity
00:19:50.101 --> 00:19:54.461
or request if you had to do it today or right now?
00:19:54.781 --> 00:20:00.361
And that way you take this temporal future thinking out of your brain and your
00:20:00.361 --> 00:20:05.061
calendar and you bring it back to, would I like to do this thing right now?
00:20:05.421 --> 00:20:10.161
And that's basically called the right now test from these two professors from the universities.
00:20:10.561 --> 00:20:12.381
All right, next one. Do a commitment audit.
00:20:12.801 --> 00:20:17.941
Make a list of everything that you've said yes to this week and this month,
00:20:18.101 --> 00:20:19.181
and just write it all out.
00:20:19.661 --> 00:20:25.861
Circle what lights you up, cross out what drains you. So we're asking for an internal check here.
00:20:26.341 --> 00:20:30.741
You write out all the things that you've said yes to. So you've said yes to coaching the kids team.
00:20:30.921 --> 00:20:34.201
You said yes to organizing the dinner for work.
00:20:34.361 --> 00:20:38.081
You said yes to going out on the weekend for work drinks for the you know the
00:20:38.081 --> 00:20:40.641
person's birthday party that you don't really know but everyone's your friend's
00:20:40.641 --> 00:20:44.301
going to be there then you said yes to the weekend away you said yes to volunteering
00:20:44.301 --> 00:20:48.761
the park run and then so just circle the things that light you up put across
00:20:48.761 --> 00:20:52.481
through the things that don't and a question mark to the ones that you're not really sure about.
00:20:53.361 --> 00:20:57.881
And that's just an awareness thing, right? I'm not going to take you to the next point.
00:20:58.101 --> 00:21:01.661
You don't have to start saying no to things, but maybe it'll give you an awareness
00:21:01.661 --> 00:21:04.381
of how many things you're actually saying yes to that you can't.
00:21:05.261 --> 00:21:09.861
So I'm going to skip that one. Let's go to Tim Ferriss. So Tim Ferriss has got
00:21:09.861 --> 00:21:12.941
a few brilliant strategies here. I'm going to share these with you right now.
00:21:13.101 --> 00:21:15.421
So the first thing is the not to do list.
00:21:15.621 --> 00:21:19.821
So he advocates having a clear list of habits to avoid,
00:21:20.621 --> 00:21:23.561
like answering unrecognized calls on your phone, checking email
00:21:23.561 --> 00:21:26.461
first thing in the morning last thing at night and agreeing to
00:21:26.461 --> 00:21:29.621
a meeting to meetings without agendas so he's
00:21:29.621 --> 00:21:33.441
saying these help you reduce distractions prevent unnecessary commitments one
00:21:33.441 --> 00:21:37.421
of the best things that tim ferris has on his blog is a thing called a wilson
00:21:37.421 --> 00:21:43.821
letter this comes from actually a literary a literary critic back in the hemingway
00:21:43.821 --> 00:21:48.541
days i'm pardon me for doing i've actually got the things here and when he does
00:21:48.541 --> 00:21:51.441
let's just get to it i'll just i'll let's summarize it.
00:21:52.581 --> 00:21:58.341
Edmund Wilson wrote himself and the people who were going to ask him questions
00:21:58.341 --> 00:22:02.061
a letter with all the predetermined things he would say no to.
00:22:02.341 --> 00:22:05.321
And the letter read something like, thank you for your request.
00:22:05.481 --> 00:22:11.261
Edmund Wilson, it's unfortunate that he does not accept any of the following
00:22:11.261 --> 00:22:12.901
and had reading manuscripts.
00:22:14.361 --> 00:22:19.701
It was a really long time ago. So it was like random requests for glasses of
00:22:19.701 --> 00:22:21.541
wine, like random meetings.
00:22:21.741 --> 00:22:24.741
And he listed all of these things that he was going to say no to.
00:22:25.441 --> 00:22:30.901
This is tremendously helpful for me because when I did this Wilson letter,
00:22:31.041 --> 00:22:35.281
as I was preparing for this podcast, I had all these things that in my mind,
00:22:35.401 --> 00:22:39.881
I'm like, I don't want to do this because it's not a line of my higher values.
00:22:40.161 --> 00:22:43.321
And it takes up time that I could be working on things I love,
00:22:43.521 --> 00:22:47.481
like my podcast, like my business, like helping people be better runners and
00:22:47.481 --> 00:22:49.381
learning all this kind of stuff.
00:22:49.721 --> 00:22:55.521
So when I had them listed out, I was like, oh my gosh, I said yes to that last week.
00:22:55.621 --> 00:22:58.261
And I've said yes to that, and I'm doing that in two weeks.
00:22:59.042 --> 00:23:03.662
Yet, here they were in my Wilson letter. So obviously, I have one of these people
00:23:03.662 --> 00:23:07.742
pleasing, yes, saying yes to help people out, thinking that I'm the one that
00:23:07.742 --> 00:23:10.942
can help them. And what are they going to do if I say no? They're going to be
00:23:10.942 --> 00:23:12.842
completely lost at sea and not going to get this thing done.
00:23:13.602 --> 00:23:17.162
And so this Wilson letter, I thoroughly recommend you write it down.
00:23:17.482 --> 00:23:21.242
Here's the things that I'm going to say no to. So you have it predetermined
00:23:21.242 --> 00:23:24.262
in your mind before someone comes and says,
00:23:24.582 --> 00:23:27.702
hey, can you help me plan the weekend sorry the
00:23:27.702 --> 00:23:30.722
the annual presentation for our running club
00:23:30.722 --> 00:23:33.862
group which you might be doing already but if
00:23:33.862 --> 00:23:36.782
it's something you're like oh my gosh oh sure i'll help
00:23:36.782 --> 00:23:41.422
you out and then you've been locked into you know organizing something that
00:23:41.422 --> 00:23:45.502
doesn't light your fire you had no experience with and it's going to take you
00:23:45.502 --> 00:23:49.722
hours and hours and hours of your time please don't take if you're doing your
00:23:49.722 --> 00:23:55.522
if you're doing your running club presentation of the year go your hardest and thank you for your time.
00:23:56.162 --> 00:24:01.222
Okay, so that's the Wilson letter. Now, here's one that you might not think about.
00:24:01.762 --> 00:24:07.062
Ferris says, avoid over-optimizing life. He warns that over-optimizing,
00:24:07.162 --> 00:24:11.682
so trying to streamline everything, can actually lead to over-commitment and complexity.
00:24:11.942 --> 00:24:15.522
So instead, choose fewer meaningful projects and treat them as experiments.
00:24:16.042 --> 00:24:20.362
So this example of this is having everything automated sounds great.
00:24:20.742 --> 00:24:26.042
It also means you've got more time to do more optimization, if that makes sense.
00:24:26.402 --> 00:24:30.282
So instead of going to Woolworths and spending half an hour driving to Woolworths,
00:24:30.402 --> 00:24:34.262
an hour in the store, half an hour home, you're ordering your groceries to arrive on the doorstep.
00:24:34.382 --> 00:24:37.922
That's fabulous. But what are you going to do with that extra time?
00:24:38.562 --> 00:24:39.522
And that's what he's saying.
00:24:40.182 --> 00:24:43.582
You've got to avoid if you've got one of those underlying conditions where you're
00:24:43.582 --> 00:24:44.902
like, now I've got an extra hour.
00:24:45.162 --> 00:24:50.482
That means I can become the president of this new startup company because I've got this extra hour.
00:24:50.602 --> 00:24:55.362
And that's what he's kind of warning you against okay i've got a couple more good things.
00:24:56.954 --> 00:25:01.654
Ah, Greg McKeown from Essentialism, really interesting guy, great book.
00:25:02.154 --> 00:25:04.374
He's been on Ferris's podcast a couple of times.
00:25:05.814 --> 00:25:12.614
He's really keen on saying no as a default in a beautiful way,
00:25:12.754 --> 00:25:14.114
like a thank you for the opportunity.
00:25:14.334 --> 00:25:20.094
Unfortunately, I can't do this as your default to avoid that yes,
00:25:20.494 --> 00:25:22.394
straight out of the blocks, if that makes sense.
00:25:22.394 --> 00:25:25.054
So we've really got to if you have a
00:25:25.054 --> 00:25:28.354
default no or a default pause or
00:25:28.354 --> 00:25:31.154
a default let me get back to you or a
00:25:31.154 --> 00:25:34.434
default i have to think about it instead of
00:25:34.434 --> 00:25:37.754
that okay yes as
00:25:37.754 --> 00:25:40.834
a as a reaction and then the damn effect later on
00:25:40.834 --> 00:25:43.934
lindau this
00:25:43.934 --> 00:25:46.934
is from an interesting article had five questions before
00:25:46.934 --> 00:25:49.734
committing number one what's really involved in this
00:25:49.734 --> 00:25:52.774
number two what's the cost number three does it align with my mission
00:25:52.774 --> 00:25:55.554
number four is it on my to don't list remember
00:25:55.554 --> 00:26:00.494
the wilson letter number five could i offer a different form of yes now what
00:26:00.494 --> 00:26:04.774
does that look like i can't do that but i could help you in another way is a
00:26:04.774 --> 00:26:10.854
different form of yes all right so let i'm going to start to wrap up here but
00:26:10.854 --> 00:26:15.474
before i do i just want to kind of bring this back to where we started,
00:26:16.294 --> 00:26:20.774
over commitment comes from good intentions right you want to do all these good
00:26:20.774 --> 00:26:22.954
things you want to help others you want to explore your passions you want to
00:26:22.954 --> 00:26:28.034
look for growth and and everything but even your passions need structure.
00:26:29.119 --> 00:26:33.959
Even your downtime needs to be prioritized.
00:26:34.159 --> 00:26:38.299
Even your relaxing time has to be prioritized because often they're the things
00:26:38.299 --> 00:26:41.979
that get pushed aside when we say yes to things.
00:26:42.399 --> 00:26:46.179
So I really encourage you to choose one of these strategies to help you.
00:26:46.399 --> 00:26:48.459
Number one with the awareness. Am I overcommitted?
00:26:48.839 --> 00:26:53.039
Have I said yes to things that I don't really want to do? You probably already
00:26:53.039 --> 00:26:54.779
worked out if that's happening or not.
00:26:55.119 --> 00:27:00.719
Or do I want to say yes to more of these things and no to more of these things, for example.
00:27:01.579 --> 00:27:09.039
And then really try and have a circuit breaker in for when somebody says,
00:27:09.399 --> 00:27:12.779
can you help me move house next weekend, right?
00:27:13.039 --> 00:27:17.079
Instead of a, okay, or yes, sure.
00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:22.299
Maybe have a circuit breaker, which is let me check my calendar and get back to you.
00:27:22.439 --> 00:27:25.979
Or I'm not sure if I can, I'd love to, I'll just have to confirm with you.
00:27:25.979 --> 00:27:29.719
So all you're doing there is putting
00:27:29.719 --> 00:27:33.899
pause on your psychological reactions which
00:27:33.899 --> 00:27:37.039
could be again the people pleasing the fear of missing out and
00:27:37.039 --> 00:27:39.879
the fear of letting people down the loss of
00:27:39.879 --> 00:27:42.719
identity if you say no feeling like
00:27:42.719 --> 00:27:45.599
you're rude all those kind of things you're just putting a
00:27:45.599 --> 00:27:49.499
pause on to let you accurately say what's
00:27:49.499 --> 00:27:53.219
this going to cost me do i really want to help this do i
00:27:53.219 --> 00:27:56.559
really them in another way can i get them a removalist instead
00:27:56.559 --> 00:27:59.299
of them asking me to remove for example or something like
00:27:59.299 --> 00:28:02.299
that right and having that
00:28:02.299 --> 00:28:05.519
circuit breaker is going to buy you the time and help
00:28:05.519 --> 00:28:08.919
you from the harder thing which
00:28:08.919 --> 00:28:14.979
is saying yes and then pulling out later on saying yeah sure i can help you
00:28:14.979 --> 00:28:17.739
move and then the night before you're like i don't want to do that and then
00:28:17.739 --> 00:28:21.879
say oh i can't come tomorrow and you're you know then you've kind of let them
00:28:21.879 --> 00:28:28.899
down because you have actually said yes if that makes sense so once you do stop.
00:28:29.794 --> 00:28:33.294
Filling your life with things that are low priorities
00:28:33.294 --> 00:28:35.994
for you and once again i'm not saying don't fill
00:28:35.994 --> 00:28:39.194
your life i'm saying go your hardest making sure
00:28:39.194 --> 00:28:43.574
they're aligned with your your vision your mission your goals your purpose what
00:28:43.574 --> 00:28:51.294
you want to do on this planet then you're going to have more time for creativity
00:28:51.294 --> 00:28:56.554
more time for reflection more time for training with intention and then
00:28:56.654 --> 00:29:02.474
perhaps you could even perform to your potential.
00:29:02.834 --> 00:29:10.914
If you set aside more time for your training or more time for your highest priorities,
00:29:11.034 --> 00:29:15.814
for your family or for your volunteering for the club or the race,
00:29:16.054 --> 00:29:20.794
you're going to have more fulfillment as opposed to more achievement.
00:29:21.254 --> 00:29:24.334
And sometimes we get these things mixed up. If I achieve more,
00:29:24.454 --> 00:29:26.094
then I'll be more fulfilled.
00:29:26.554 --> 00:29:30.174
When we're really looking at what brings
00:29:30.174 --> 00:29:33.314
us fulfillment and then aiming for that target instead
00:29:33.314 --> 00:29:36.514
of just achievement all right cool so
00:29:36.514 --> 00:29:39.314
i hope you got something out of this please take
00:29:39.314 --> 00:29:42.694
something that i've said and put it into an actionable step
00:29:42.694 --> 00:29:45.694
for you whether even it's just a circuit breaker whether it's a wilson letter
00:29:45.694 --> 00:29:49.174
whether it's the yes damn effect whether it's thinking about temporally
00:29:49.174 --> 00:29:51.954
how i say yes to more things in the future because i
00:29:51.954 --> 00:29:55.894
feel like i'm going to have more time and now i understand that or
00:29:55.894 --> 00:29:58.834
something else understanding what one of those psychological patterns might
00:29:58.834 --> 00:30:01.674
be the people pleasing letting people down feeling like
00:30:01.674 --> 00:30:04.914
you're the only person in the world that can do the thing they ask them or one
00:30:04.914 --> 00:30:07.874
of those things just so you can understand what's going on
00:30:07.874 --> 00:30:12.694
for you as always i hope you've got something practical that you can use what's
00:30:12.694 --> 00:30:16.414
coming up in the community we've got a new cohort starting on september the
00:30:16.414 --> 00:30:19.514
1st if you'd like to join us all the information will be in the show notes or
00:30:19.514 --> 00:30:24.274
you can go to robmasonruns.com.au you and you can find out all the stuff about
00:30:24.274 --> 00:30:26.314
the next course. You can join our community.
00:30:26.574 --> 00:30:28.434
It's only eight bucks a month and you get.
00:30:29.065 --> 00:30:33.625
Access to amazing people in that community talking about mindset we're sharing strategies,
00:30:34.205 --> 00:30:36.985
cheering each other on holding each other accountable to
00:30:36.985 --> 00:30:40.105
races every quarter we have a call for
00:30:40.105 --> 00:30:42.905
example the first quarter of the year we have a kickstart call to
00:30:42.905 --> 00:30:45.605
get your year all set out your goals all set and then
00:30:45.605 --> 00:30:48.705
we have three other quarterly calls where you can jump on talk
00:30:48.705 --> 00:30:51.625
about mindset we talk about you know how you're going with your pros
00:30:51.625 --> 00:30:54.425
progress towards your race and we do all that kind of
00:30:54.425 --> 00:30:57.825
stuff so we've got the course which you can join and the
00:30:57.825 --> 00:31:00.845
community which you join and of course the podcast if you know someone who
00:31:00.845 --> 00:31:03.585
you would like to share
00:31:03.585 --> 00:31:06.345
this with that would be the best way that you could help us
00:31:06.345 --> 00:31:10.945
grow the podcast and bring more stuff like this to you so thanks for listening
00:31:10.945 --> 00:31:15.685
i hope you got something out of it let me know if you'd like in the future to
00:31:15.685 --> 00:31:19.465
join the community join the course it's all at robmasonruns.com.au and if you
00:31:19.465 --> 00:31:24.965
want any podcast topics covered please hit me up um on the socials and until
00:31:24.965 --> 00:31:26.045
next time i'll see you then,
00:31:31.485 --> 00:31:34.545
thanks for listening to the mindset for runners podcast i
00:31:34.545 --> 00:31:37.965
hope you got something practical and useful out of this podcast or
00:31:37.965 --> 00:31:41.585
something inspiring to help you get out for your next run if you have a question
00:31:41.585 --> 00:31:47.125
about mindset for runners or athletes in general please email me at robmason.run
00:31:47.125 --> 00:31:51.905
at gmail.com and i'll answer your question on an upcoming podcast if there's
00:31:51.905 --> 00:31:54.605
anybody you know who could benefit from the information i share in.
00:31:54.480 --> 00:32:03.445
Music.