Relationship tips for men | Jordan Candlish

WEBVTT
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:00.640
Good to see you, bro.
00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:01.360
How are you?
00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:04.080
Hey, good to see you, man.
00:00:04.480 --> 00:00:07.759
Yeah, it's been uh like three years.
00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:08.960
Honestly, yeah.
00:00:09.039 --> 00:00:10.560
Uh it's been, I think, three years now.
00:00:10.720 --> 00:00:12.000
Two or three years for sure.
00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:13.359
That's crazy.
00:00:13.519 --> 00:00:14.080
Wow.
00:00:15.119 --> 00:00:17.679
Before we even begin a discussion, I have to point out this chair, bro.
00:00:17.760 --> 00:00:19.199
This chair is uh is this a special piece?
00:00:19.359 --> 00:00:20.480
This is immaculate.
00:00:21.359 --> 00:00:22.559
No, it's a lose.
00:00:22.960 --> 00:00:26.719
I'm just in like a uh in like a co-working space right now.
00:00:28.960 --> 00:00:31.839
It's the final the final boss of men's work right here, man.
00:00:34.479 --> 00:00:36.159
It's the king's chair, that's what it is.
00:00:36.320 --> 00:00:37.200
The king's chair.
00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:38.320
Yeah, man.
00:00:38.799 --> 00:00:39.359
It's a lose.
00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:40.960
Yeah, it's been it's been a few years, man.
00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:45.359
It seems that uh you've continued to expand and grow in the space of doing men's work.
00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:48.079
It's and I do I have a pretty accurate read on that.
00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:49.759
Yeah, I mean, it's been great.
00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:56.719
Yeah, we had a lot of growth on on socials over the last couple of years and just been going with the flow of it, mate.
00:00:56.799 --> 00:00:57.280
It's been amazing.
00:00:57.439 --> 00:01:02.560
Still been doing what I do, just men's groups, retreats, the coaching, just loving it.
00:01:02.799 --> 00:01:04.560
Um yeah, I don't know.
00:01:04.640 --> 00:01:12.959
It's just it's been cool to see how like the the content keeps refining and growing in its own way, but I think the underlying messaging has always been the same.
00:01:13.359 --> 00:01:13.680
Yeah.
00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:16.640
What ways recently have you find it's kind of changing?
00:01:18.400 --> 00:01:21.200
Uh like the messaging or the the growth?
00:01:21.599 --> 00:01:22.799
The messaging specifically.
00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:26.400
Um it's always interesting.
00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:31.760
I just let the messaging come through like my own experience with like what I'm learning in relation, my own relationship, right?
00:01:31.840 --> 00:01:36.159
So it like becomes a kind of a sharing of my own lessons that I'm experiencing.
00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:42.799
And then through the coaching that I'm doing with the guys, I just keep like noticing patterns and trends, and like, huh, that's interesting.
00:01:42.959 --> 00:01:52.000
Like, one message I've been honing in on recently is like for men who lose the sex drive in their relationships, it's like, okay, that's a common pattern I see in guys.
00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:54.239
So I'm like, okay, let me make some videos on that.
00:01:54.400 --> 00:01:55.920
Uh, and then it was interesting.
00:01:56.000 --> 00:02:02.480
A post I put out the other day got like so much hate from all these women that disagreed with the position that I had on that on that topic.
00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:04.159
So I was like, okay, that's interesting.
00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:06.640
And I can make another video on refining that.
00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:09.199
Let me let me turn that down a little bit.
00:02:09.439 --> 00:02:10.560
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:02:10.719 --> 00:02:13.199
Yeah, there's this it's an interesting world, man.
00:02:13.280 --> 00:02:24.800
Like out there with like a lot of these women who have still hold a lot of trauma from men, they're very sensitive to certain wording, or they're like very quick to label something as like toxic or bad advice.
00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:29.280
If it does, if if they're still carrying the perspective that men need to be a certain way.
00:02:29.360 --> 00:02:43.199
But what I'm seeing is like sometimes there's certain advice that men need that may still fall under that category of like red pill or whatever, but there's essences of it that are still needed for certain types of men, that's just how you how that's communicated.
00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:45.919
Um is a nuance like dancing.
00:02:46.240 --> 00:02:46.400
Yeah.
00:02:46.719 --> 00:03:13.120
Yeah, it's a true is I've never thought about the uh situation where if what you're saying, let's say it could be useful to to a certain group like men, and but there is a way that it could be understood that could really ignite like really powerfully a different group of people, maybe someone who has like a trigger by it or something like that, that the yeah, the platform may want to actually bend it more to be used to where it's gonna get more engagement, which would be kind of the outrage side of it.
00:03:13.439 --> 00:03:14.240
Yeah, exactly.
00:03:14.319 --> 00:03:20.479
So I'm I'm learning to embrace the fact that hey, uh people unfollowing me, is you know, that's sometimes that can be a win.
00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:25.840
It's meaning I'm I'm I'm creating an opinion or perspective that is not liked by everyone, and that's that's not what I've wanted.
00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:34.639
I actually don't think that's that's what creates relationships that we want is like you can't not everyone not set the same piece of advice is gonna work for everyone.
00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:48.800
Same thing with what I'm sharing to these guys like that advice, if taken by the guy who's already avoidant and not showing up in the relationship and not doing the thing or providing for his partner becomes another excuse to just like oh, I'm just gonna avoid the the hard thing.
00:03:48.960 --> 00:03:59.199
But then the same piece of advice to a guy who makes his partner his entire world and is completely enmeshed in the relationship, then that's the thing he needs to recalibrate to fill his cup.
00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:05.199
So it's like there's nuance to all of it, but it's just yeah, it's delicate territory for some of these women.
00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:06.719
Have you changed at all?
00:04:06.800 --> 00:04:12.719
Like uh in the ways you deliver the things that you're teaching from when we spoke last.
00:04:12.879 --> 00:04:22.160
Uh, like is the method of of uh uh dispensing the information and uh the ways that people can engage with you from a business perspective the same, or has that evolved?
00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:26.399
I think maybe the I think maybe the retreat was the first retreat at the time whenever we first spoke last.
00:04:26.480 --> 00:04:27.199
That was like the first one.
00:04:28.079 --> 00:04:30.720
Maybe I think it was the second one, if I remember correctly.
00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:32.480
Yeah, it would have been the second one.
00:04:32.800 --> 00:04:51.519
Um yeah, like the skits that I do with the Mando, like they're obviously a great way to get you know, they they hit a lot of people, but the downside of like hitting a lot of people, or a lot of people following me from these skits, is like they're very like neutral in terms of the relationship advice that it offers.
00:04:51.600 --> 00:04:52.480
It's it's quite neutral.
00:04:52.560 --> 00:04:59.439
There's no deeper, more polarizing perspective for what men may or may not need in relationships, and that's what I'm finding right now.
00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:08.720
My path is I'm just gonna like share more of my opinion on some of these high-didden topics, and that's probably gonna cause some people to unfollow me or a lot of women to unfollow me.
00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:25.439
And I'm I'm okay with that right now because I I'm more focused on like what men actually need, truthfully, uh, to be able to show up their best in the relationship, regardless of all the the delicate wounding that's still out there caused by red pill and manosphere as a as an ideology.
00:05:25.519 --> 00:05:38.399
Like I'm there's no denying that, but it's then I'm not gonna stand down and not talk about what still needs to be talked about because it's still triggering to some women, because that's where they choose to operate from a from a perspective.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:58.639
It's like yeah, so yeah, right now the the the the the the target for content is just more opinionated stuff, more more like what I'm seeing, truthfully, not not intentionally trying to trigger people, but I'm more just going like what what are some of the maybe the topics that I've steered away from because of fear of maybe upsetting a certain group of people or or whatever.
00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:00.480
I'm just yeah, kind of done with that.
00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:02.639
Uh let's do it, man.
00:06:02.959 --> 00:06:03.839
What are some of those things?
00:06:04.000 --> 00:06:04.959
Top of mind for you.
00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:22.639
Well, like I said to the the recent post, there's a there's an idea that a lot of women think that a man should make their woman his woman his entire world.
00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:25.680
Like that should he should she should be his number one focus.
00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:31.439
And my perspective is like, no, a woman should not be your highest number one priority.
00:06:31.519 --> 00:06:35.519
Your wife should not be your highest priority, nor should your family be your highest priority.
00:06:35.839 --> 00:06:44.639
And that comes across as like triggering for some women because that's what they think they want, but subconsciously they actually don't want that, and they may not be aware of that.
00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:47.519
Uh so that's one thing that I'm kind of honing in on right now.
00:06:47.839 --> 00:06:48.319
What do you mean?
00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:54.079
Um why why do you think that's why do you think there's a lot of wisdom there might be hard for people to grasp onto?
00:06:55.120 --> 00:07:06.879
Because when a man's highest priority is his relationship with God, and then as an extension of that, his highest purpose, what his soul has come into this earth to fulfill.
00:07:06.959 --> 00:07:07.920
I believe it's a mission.
00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:11.199
You can call it a mission, you can call it a path, you can call it a purpose.
00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:21.120
When when a man makes that his highest priority, and he's and his priority is to attune himself to the direction that God is moving him and being of service to the world.
00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:27.920
That does not mean he avoids responsibilities in his side of his family, does not mean he neglects showing up for his partner or his kids in any sort of way.
00:07:28.079 --> 00:07:36.000
No, it means when he honors his highest purpose, that then fills him up, that then expands his capacity to be the leader that his family needs.
00:07:36.079 --> 00:07:40.319
That allows him to then pour back into the people around him in a way that's needed.
00:07:40.480 --> 00:07:48.079
But sometimes that may look like, hey, I need to go on this experience without you because that's where I'm being pulled.
00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:55.040
Or I need to go hang out with this group of men to sharpen my skills as a man, and that means I'm not going to be available for the next two days.
00:07:55.279 --> 00:07:55.680
Yeah.
00:07:55.839 --> 00:08:06.399
I would think that in order for you to get that past Congress, so to speak, within your relationship, you would have to bring a certain level of trustworthiness in the relationship.
00:08:06.560 --> 00:08:08.639
And how do you think that's done well?
00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:10.319
Yeah, exactly.
00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:10.959
You nailed it.
00:08:11.040 --> 00:08:16.160
Like if a man's not already creating emotional safety, he's not free, his woman doesn't trust him.
00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:21.360
And if he tries to say, Hey, I need to go on this men's retreat and spend some time with some boys for for four days, uh, I'm not gonna be contactable.
00:08:21.519 --> 00:08:22.720
She's gonna be like, well, fuck you.
00:08:22.879 --> 00:08:24.560
Like, why haven't you been showing up for me?
00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:25.680
Uh so there's there's that.
00:08:27.920 --> 00:08:29.680
I can even get you right if that's not here.
00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:30.959
Exactly.
00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:37.120
So he needs to, in those scenarios, firstly understand where is he avoiding showing up for his partner?
00:08:37.279 --> 00:08:42.480
What's where he's not where is he not providing her in in terms of what she needs from him?
00:08:42.639 --> 00:08:54.559
Where is he like falling short on these other little ways, which are very simple that can be addressed through him getting in contact with himself and learning how to communicate and have a hard conversation and step into holding a safe space for his partner.
00:08:54.720 --> 00:09:04.480
He needs to like identify that where he's falling short, number one, or through them having a conversation, and then him taking responsibility through that and going, hey, you know what?
00:09:04.559 --> 00:09:06.720
I've committed to being better for you in this area.
00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:09.600
I want to be that man who shows up for you in this capacity.
00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:12.320
But what I need to do that is this.
00:09:12.559 --> 00:09:18.639
This is what I need to be able to do that, and I'm gonna give that to myself, and I'm gonna then come back and then be this for you, and this is what's gonna be different.
00:09:19.039 --> 00:09:34.240
I think a lot of men don't actually know, they don't even know what they need, therefore they're not even aware of how to communicate it in a way that allows their partner to feel seen and understood in that because she's maybe feeling scared, she's maybe feeling alone, she's maybe feeling hurt by what he's done or not done in the past.
00:09:34.559 --> 00:09:39.759
But if he's not able to empathize with that, then yeah, she's not gonna trust his request.
00:09:40.159 --> 00:09:43.600
That's such a tough thing to for a lot of people to do.
00:09:43.759 --> 00:09:55.519
Like, first off, you have to identify what your needs are, which that might be an interesting topic for us to just talk about, just to how men can understand what they're feeling and how they can get those needs and needs met.
00:09:55.600 --> 00:09:56.480
What are the options?
00:09:56.879 --> 00:09:58.960
But then be able to bring that to a relationship.
00:09:59.200 --> 00:10:05.840
And the word selfish comes to mind a lot of times, you know, like yeah, what are what are kind of your some of your thoughts on that, bro?
00:10:06.320 --> 00:10:06.960
Yeah.
00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:19.120
Well, sometimes you you gotta be a little bit selfish if if it means that like you gotta ask yourself, like, am I compromising myself in order to keep my other my partner happy, in order to keep my family happy?
00:10:19.600 --> 00:10:22.639
Am I compromising something that I deeply desire?
00:10:23.279 --> 00:10:32.399
And that desire could be to to go on a certain adventure, to go and spend time with a certain person, could be to explore a certain outlet um creatively.
00:10:32.639 --> 00:10:46.080
If that desire is being compromised in order to please someone else because they feel triggered or they feel uncomfortable about you pursuing the life that you want, then eventually you're going to resent the fuck out of that person.
00:10:46.799 --> 00:10:50.240
So that's where the man has to decide.
00:10:50.639 --> 00:10:53.120
The man has to decide what's more important to him.
00:10:53.679 --> 00:11:09.600
And it seems too like um not compromising, like this is a really important thing to me that I feel that I can keep this hobby in my life or this routine with my guy friends in my life, or this project, I can have time to work on it.
00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:14.240
But it seems like where you buy the ability to do that is by stepping up at home.
00:11:14.399 --> 00:11:28.000
So there is a part of the message that can be really, really uh um strengthening and and kind of challenging for men to say, like, if you can't afford emotionally to step away from the house, where are you not meeting the needs?
00:11:28.639 --> 00:11:30.559
Yeah, yeah, 100%.
00:11:31.279 --> 00:11:35.919
Yeah, if you can't afford emotionally to step away from the house, where are you not meeting her needs?
00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:38.399
Yeah, that's that's a great question to ask.
00:11:38.559 --> 00:11:55.440
Uh, and then again, something that I've coached guys through in the past, which is if it's bringing up fear or wounding or trauma in your partner or your wife through you wanting to step away, it's about going, like, wait a second, let's let's just hold this hold a space for that for a moment.
00:11:55.519 --> 00:12:00.159
What's coming up in you that feels uneasy, what does make you feel uneasy about me having some time?
00:12:00.320 --> 00:12:03.120
Is there something that I've done in the past that caused you to not trust me?
00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:06.639
Is there something you're still holding on to towards me that's bringing this up?
00:12:06.720 --> 00:12:08.480
Or is it just related to a past relationship?
00:12:08.639 --> 00:12:10.000
Is this a past wound?
00:12:10.320 --> 00:12:20.559
Because as you can start to help identify that, there's a lot of healing for the woman as well when a man takes ownership and responsibility for his path and what he needs.
00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:27.039
But uh it's about being that safe space for her to be able to work through that and being like, no, babe, like I got you.
00:12:27.679 --> 00:12:28.960
We're gonna come back even stronger.
00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:31.200
Like, I'm gonna come back as the leader you fucking need.
00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:33.039
So just know that I'm I'm here for you.
00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:35.679
But this is just this is what what needs to happen right now.
00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:43.360
Yeah, there's such a level of uh groundedness and um like uh strength that comes in that conversation.
00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:46.240
I think when it's done well, that this is this is what I need.
00:12:46.399 --> 00:12:51.600
I'm not um I'm not like um begging for it from you.
00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:54.320
I'm not hoping that you give me permission to go do it.
00:12:54.480 --> 00:13:01.200
I'm saying this is something that I need, and I also am totally here to hear what you need to make sure that both of our needs are getting met.
00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:05.120
Much more invitational version of that than like you can do that really wrong.
00:13:05.519 --> 00:13:06.000
Exactly.
00:13:06.240 --> 00:13:07.440
Exactly, yeah, 100%.
00:13:07.919 --> 00:13:14.320
That's tough, man, because I never really like in my relationship with Amanda, we've always supported each other in that way.
00:13:14.399 --> 00:13:23.679
We've both always had a relatively secure relationship within ourselves where if she needs to explore a certain area in her life and has to go on a certain trip, I'm like, go for it.
00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:24.480
Like, that's awesome.
00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:26.879
I'd love that you you're aware of that.
00:13:26.960 --> 00:13:29.919
Um, but I know that's not the case for a lot of a lot of guys.
00:13:30.159 --> 00:13:35.039
That's it's gonna be funny whenever you interact with a dynamic that's not like yours at home, and you're like, really?
00:13:35.759 --> 00:13:36.639
Yeah, I know.
00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:39.600
Seriously, she said that 100%.
00:13:40.559 --> 00:13:41.679
Oh my gosh, 100%.
00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:42.799
Yeah, yeah, 100%.
00:13:43.039 --> 00:13:44.559
I'm almost like that's outrageous.
00:13:44.720 --> 00:13:46.639
You guys need to change that immediately.
00:13:46.960 --> 00:14:06.159
And there's there's a couple things that I have penned that I want to chat about, but I think there's a there's one thing right here that I want to just park it on just for a second is how you talk a lot about in your content, the you the utility of space in a relationship, and why keeping space intentionally can be really useful for maintaining attraction, maintaining the spark, maintaining that romance in your in your relationship.
00:14:06.320 --> 00:14:08.960
What are some of the things that a lot of the men in the audience need to hear?
00:14:11.519 --> 00:14:20.080
When it comes to keeping space, yeah, the importance of space, intentionally deploying space in your relationship to maintain that attraction, maintain the sexual chemistry.
00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:29.759
Yeah, well like anything, man, polar polarity exists in the tension of opposites, right?
00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:38.399
So there can't be an opposite masculine and feminine pole when there is not space for that to be created or nurtured.
00:14:38.639 --> 00:14:51.679
So when you're always spending time around your woman, then what that does is you start to develop more masculine more feminine qualities because you're now in the presence of a feminine being more often.
00:14:52.559 --> 00:14:53.600
The opposite is also true.
00:14:53.759 --> 00:14:58.240
She's gonna start to develop more masculine qualities because now she's in the presence of a man all the time.
00:14:58.480 --> 00:15:02.240
And as that happens, now you're like you're slowly enmeshing your energies together.
00:15:02.399 --> 00:15:12.320
Now you become this like kind of blend, like more feminized, she becomes a little bit more masculinized, and then now you're you're you you kind of you start sort of acting like her a little bit, she starts acting like you a little bit.
00:15:12.559 --> 00:15:13.279
That's just what happens.
00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:23.519
It's human nature when you spend time around a certain person for an extended period, you adopt their habits and characteristics in certain in certain ways, but then you wonder why fuck I'm not that attracted to her anymore.
00:15:23.600 --> 00:15:24.320
Like what's going on?
00:15:24.399 --> 00:15:26.080
Or she's not attracted to me as much anymore.
00:15:26.159 --> 00:15:27.039
What's going on?
00:15:27.279 --> 00:15:39.759
Is because as you create that space again and you create that tension, you're reconnecting back with your masculine core, your masculine edge, you're starting to sharpen that edge, you're starting to understand what that direction you have for your life is.
00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:42.879
All of these masculine qualities that a man needs start to come back online.
00:15:43.039 --> 00:15:46.399
And you would hope that the woman, when she takes space, comes back online for her.
00:15:46.559 --> 00:15:50.879
And now when you reignite and you come back together, you're like, oh, there's aliveness there again.
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:52.559
Because you're alive again.
00:15:52.879 --> 00:16:33.440
Do you think that um one of the reasons that that may fall flat, at least in my mind, the reason that advice sometimes has fallen flat because I think it almost sounds as if it's trying to reinvoke novelty in a way, instead of really emphasizing the necessity of difference and separation, um, even in the sense of having different experiences for a couple weeks that you can come back to and exchange together that gives you something to connect over, the sense of like getting back to your own personal sense of connection to God or connection to purpose or play or relationship with others, sense of individual fulfillment, that then you come and you get to kind of spark it together and share it together.
00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:42.240
Do you think that's an accurate read that it's more about the really refining and re-establishing a sense of separateness so that then we can enjoy reconnecting again?
00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:54.080
Yeah, because the pursuit of novelty is like a man who's just chasing distraction to find some sense of um aliveness in his life because he hasn't connected to it deeply in his body.
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:57.519
He's chasing dopamine mentally to distract himself.
00:16:57.600 --> 00:17:04.160
And that pursuit of novelty, he might think he's creating space by going to drink beers with the boys and watch a football game.
00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:08.160
But in a sense, he's actually just like tuning himself out more from what he actually needs.
00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:11.200
And when he comes back to the relationship, there's still dullness there.
00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:22.319
But that's the space that a man takes, it needs to be filled with something that brings him back in contact with himself so he can actually discover like that essence part that we're referring to.
00:17:23.200 --> 00:17:24.319
Where is he being moved?
00:17:24.480 --> 00:17:31.680
Like, what's what's the thing that's on his heart that's underneath all of the pressure and heaviness and anger and shame and all the emotions that may be blocking that?
00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:37.359
He needs to connect with what's underneath it so that he can find that uh direction again in his life.
00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:38.640
And that's that's what we're referring to.
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:42.319
That's what will rejuvenate the attraction in the relationship.
00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:48.880
I think a lot of guys maybe struggle with that because they don't feel a lot of purpose.
00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:57.119
Like, I think that and maybe maybe have a bit more of a clear read on this than I do, just because the amount of time you spend with with men and uh like you know, kind of in our generation.
00:17:57.200 --> 00:18:00.880
But I think a lot of men in our generation feel a sense of aimlessness and purposelessness.
00:18:01.279 --> 00:18:11.519
And do you like what's what's the message to those guys that are listening to this and say, like, you know, yeah, it sounds great to be connected with my purpose, and that might help me create more juice in my relationship.
00:18:11.599 --> 00:18:12.799
And don't we all want that, you know?
00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:22.240
So how do I do that when I I like I don't feel any sense of purpose, or do I find that in my work, or is that in my like a connection with God, or is that like a hobby, or what does that look like?
00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:45.519
Yeah, I mean, what I've found is this is there's different stages where a man might start to question what his purpose is, you know, might get to a stage where he's in his 40s and he's developed a career path and he makes good money and he's now doing this job that he's good at, he gets but that he gets rewards for it, but deep down it's not his highest purpose, and he knows that deep down it doesn't, he's not he doesn't feel alive by his work, his work doesn't light him up.
00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:49.599
There's stages where the man's in his early 20s and he realizes like I even know what I want.
00:18:49.680 --> 00:18:50.559
I'm so I'm just lost.
00:18:50.640 --> 00:18:54.000
I don't even I don't know what this this this next thing is for me.
00:18:54.240 --> 00:18:56.960
Same thing, the man's questioning what his what his purpose is.
00:18:57.119 --> 00:19:05.119
Like I went through the stage when I was in my early 20s where I was working in a corporate job and as an accountant, and I realized that this this job does not light me up at all.
00:19:05.200 --> 00:19:06.559
Actually, this job depletes me.
00:19:06.720 --> 00:19:08.079
I I do not enjoy this.
00:19:08.319 --> 00:19:13.279
And I went through I went through like an existential crisis.
00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:20.960
Yeah, I just uh yeah, and then some people love being an accountant, nothing against accountants, like some people enjoy that stuff, but it just wasn't my naturalness.
00:19:21.119 --> 00:19:24.720
It doesn't come naturally to me to be behind a computer screen pumping numbers in.
00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:29.359
And as I realized that, then the question became all right, what is what am I curious about?
00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:30.480
Like, what do I want to do?
00:19:30.640 --> 00:19:31.599
What does light me up?
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:36.319
And I think that comes back down to what every man should be asking himself, which is like, what lights me up?
00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:37.359
What am I interested in?
00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:38.319
What do I enjoy?
00:19:38.480 --> 00:19:40.240
What do I get passionate about?
00:19:40.400 --> 00:19:45.680
And then exploring that question through if you don't know the answer to that question, it's like sit in it for a while.
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:49.119
Allow yourself to be in the tension of not knowing for a while.
00:19:49.279 --> 00:19:52.880
And then you start to get directed or you start to get moved towards something.
00:19:52.960 --> 00:20:08.640
And then the idea is start to, if you have if you work a job that you don't enjoy, start to pursue things outside of your work that you're curious in, that you're interested in, that allow you to start to nurture that spark of like, huh, this is what I've been put on the planet, this planet to do.
00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:25.119
What are the unique gifts, talents, and abilities that God has given me that I'm now I get to figure out what they are so that I can then use them in service to the world to hopefully make someone else's life easier or better through my unique talents, gifts, or abilities.
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:28.079
Stage one is to figure out what what those are.
00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:29.039
Yeah.
00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:46.640
Um, uh something comes to mind of uh David Data in the book The Way of the Superior Man talks about if you feel aimless, if you feel purposeless, uh make sure to remove distractions so that you can sit with it, like you're saying, sit with a sense of being purposeless and sit with a sense of having no direction.
00:20:47.119 --> 00:20:55.680
Um, I love the idea that boredom is like a like an evolutionarily beneficial um experience that lets you know there's something more productive you could be doing with your time.
00:20:55.839 --> 00:21:00.559
So, like you kind of sit bored enough, you start to get the raw material that can start to move you towards that.
00:21:00.720 --> 00:21:07.440
And I think that you know, like for some people may be aiming, you know, like super high into like how can I bring my unique gifts to the world.
00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:11.119
And then I think another thing that you said that's really, really useful is just what lights you up?
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:13.119
Like what really what really brings your life?
00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:14.240
What do you what do you love to talk about?
00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:26.079
What do you care about a lot, even if even if socially, even if on the gram, even if nobody else thinks it's cool, even if it's a certain game or thing you're really passionate about, like because it's so attractive to our to our partners too.
00:21:26.160 --> 00:21:30.160
And we, you know, I think a lot of guys have probably heard that from their partner.
00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:34.880
Um, you know, the the phrase or the words like um, I love how passionate you are about that.
00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:36.640
I love how much that means to you.
00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:41.759
Yeah, if you lose that, and then too, like, you know, you can lose that, especially.
00:21:41.839 --> 00:21:44.160
This whole conversation is gonna be about being a woman.
00:21:44.319 --> 00:22:05.440
Uh like when you when you lose that part of where we lose that is in our relationship with a woman, where back to what the first thing you said, we start to fixate on keeping her happy, making sure she's okay, taking care of her, and then we completely Start to disappear in the process, we become just an aid to her existence instead of a separate person altogether.
00:22:06.559 --> 00:22:08.559
Yeah, man, that's that's that's really it.
00:22:08.640 --> 00:22:12.319
Like it's that's it's so common for a man to fall into that trap.
00:22:13.119 --> 00:22:15.920
Okay, so you got something to do.
00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:16.319
Yeah, going.
00:22:17.680 --> 00:22:33.680
Okay, so since we've kind of established the thread that in order for us to be able to carve out the space to reconnect with what feels like it lights us up so that we can come back to relationship fully, which I I think you know, I've only got one thumb, but I would give it the best review I can give.
00:22:33.759 --> 00:22:34.559
One and a half thumbs up.
00:22:35.599 --> 00:22:41.119
Um but we talked about we have to establish a sense of emotional safety at home within our relationship.
00:22:41.599 --> 00:22:52.400
Um what are the things that we can do as men to really this is one of the things I want to ask you about kind of the do's, the really important do's for caring for the woman in our life.
00:22:57.680 --> 00:22:59.680
I mean it's hard to just pick just one.
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:08.960
So I'll I would say I would say I'll make it like two in and in the category of two, which is like how you love and how you lead.
00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:10.720
How you love and how you lead.
00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:25.759
So express how you express love to her could be as simple as like complimenting her, really like finding the little ways that she enjoys to be made special by you, is how you can show your love to her.
00:23:25.839 --> 00:23:36.160
It's like thinking about how can I make my woman feel special, adored, like number one, how can I how can I just shine the light on her throughout the day or like any day, really.
00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:37.839
It's just like how can I love her better?
00:23:37.920 --> 00:23:39.920
How can I show my love to her more?
00:23:40.079 --> 00:23:42.960
And little things go a long way for women.
00:23:43.279 --> 00:23:52.240
It could just be like a simple little kind gesture of thinking about something that she may enjoy or appreciate or want and going out of your way to give that to her.
00:23:52.559 --> 00:23:54.559
Like I said, the compliments can go a long way.
00:23:54.640 --> 00:23:58.079
It's it's the little things remembering what's important to her.
00:23:58.240 --> 00:24:01.279
That's another really great way you can show love to her.
00:24:01.440 --> 00:24:12.000
Like if it's a friend's birthday coming up or a sister's birthday coming up and you go, hey, I know it's your sister's birthday today, like I just you know, send her a message or let's get on a call with her, let's let's make sure we we wish her a happy birthday.
00:24:12.079 --> 00:24:18.319
Like, find out the things that she really values and appreciates, number one, and then the leadership write it down.
00:24:18.400 --> 00:24:18.720
Yeah, yeah.
00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:25.279
Like if you don't have a note on your phone that's pinned that says things my partner cares a lot about, and then just fill it all the time.
00:24:25.359 --> 00:24:25.920
You're fucked.
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:28.000
Yeah, yeah, bingo, bingo.
00:24:28.079 --> 00:24:28.720
Whatever you gotta do.
00:24:28.880 --> 00:24:32.000
Anytime she she says something, you're like, Oh, yeah, I need to write that down.
00:24:32.160 --> 00:24:32.799
Yeah, I love this.
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:33.359
I think that's cool.
00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:35.519
I've always wanted to X like pull the shit out, right?
00:24:35.599 --> 00:24:36.640
Yeah, exactly.
00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:37.680
Those are free.
00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:44.480
It came in handy for me um recently when I proposed to my my fiance now.
00:24:44.880 --> 00:24:45.680
Yeah, I saw that, man.
00:24:45.759 --> 00:24:46.720
And I was thanks, man.
00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:51.599
I was trying to like plan this proposal for for so long because I was like, I want to make it really special.
00:24:51.680 --> 00:25:01.200
I want this to be something, like a big active gesture of how much I love her, and I want it to be something unique, something that's gonna really show how much I care about her.
00:25:01.359 --> 00:25:07.279
And I was like, I don't know, it's gonna it's gonna have to go beyond just a simple dinner or a simple like proposal at the beach.
00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:10.400
And I was like, I had no idea what I was gonna do for for months.
00:25:10.559 --> 00:25:12.240
I couldn't, I couldn't, I had no idea.
00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:14.079
I was like, this it's not coming to me.
00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:25.440
And then one day I was sitting uh on this island in here in north of Ontario and just kind of chilling and chatting with some friends, and I asked them, like, I want to propose to my girl, I don't know what to do.
00:25:25.599 --> 00:25:30.880
And it was there was a couple of girlfriends around at the time, and they were kind of giving me some ideas, and then all of a sudden, this idea came through.
00:25:31.039 --> 00:25:36.960
I was like, oh my gosh, I know Amanda's one of Amanda's favorite artists is this singer from Portugal names Maro.
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:40.400
I wonder if I could try and like get her to do a private show for us.
00:25:40.640 --> 00:25:47.279
And because that was the thing I knew would just like blow her mind to she would just lose her, like lose, like lose it if she saw that.
00:25:47.519 --> 00:25:58.240
But the fact that I remembered that that was her favorite artist, the fact that I had all these things listed around the things that she really cares about made it easier for me to tap into that idea because I remembered, yeah.
00:25:58.400 --> 00:26:07.759
Oh, I know that's a singer that she it's it's like it's not a famous singer, it's not a big time singer, it was like a unique singer that only Amanda would have loved through her time in Lisbon that she discovered.
00:26:07.920 --> 00:26:11.759
So yeah, yeah, that was one example of like putting that into practice when I managed to do that.
00:26:12.240 --> 00:26:14.079
Go to you for that, because that was so cool.
00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:16.079
Like you you did such a good job on that, bro.
00:26:16.160 --> 00:26:17.759
I saw it and I thought, go him, man.
00:26:18.319 --> 00:26:19.279
Thank you, thank you.
00:26:19.680 --> 00:26:36.799
Taking the time to notice something like that, and I think that's something so important for our the lady in our life, is that she wants to feel seen, and seen doesn't mean a like kind of corny, expensive gesture, even though something that you do for her specifically might end up being expensive.
00:26:37.119 --> 00:26:43.680
Like, I think the superpower is the ammunition of noticing, of listening, like the quality of your listening.
00:26:43.759 --> 00:26:48.240
Do you have an ear that's tuned for those little things where she emphasizes something that's important to her?
00:26:48.480 --> 00:26:50.000
Because you can win on a budget, bro.
00:26:50.079 --> 00:26:54.799
Like, you ain't gotta be, you don't have to be sp spending a ton of money to make someone feel special.
00:26:54.960 --> 00:27:01.759
Sometimes people try to like overcompensate for the lack of presence by just throwing money at it when you can do something so special like that, bro.
00:27:01.839 --> 00:27:02.880
Really good work on that, bro.
00:27:03.279 --> 00:27:04.240
Exactly, exactly.
00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:04.960
Thanks, man.
00:27:05.119 --> 00:27:07.680
Yeah, and then the other aspect is like how you lead, right?
00:27:07.759 --> 00:27:16.720
It's like how you lead is how you take care of the direction of the relationship, the direction of your life, like making life easier for your partner.
00:27:17.039 --> 00:27:25.200
You know, obviously, if your your woman's around you and life is getting easier, then she's like, she can exhale, she can finally relax into your into your lead.
00:27:25.279 --> 00:27:28.880
So that's that's ultimately what they want through the leadership component, too.
00:27:29.920 --> 00:27:32.400
Um, leadership in relationship.
00:27:32.480 --> 00:27:36.400
So that's like the core idea that I wanted to discuss with you today.
00:27:36.799 --> 00:27:45.119
How I I think that's an interesting, and maybe the answer to this question like how would you define healthy leadership in a relationship?
00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:48.799
Maybe we can contrast it against unhealthy or toxic to use that word.
00:27:49.119 --> 00:27:49.680
Leadership.
00:27:49.839 --> 00:27:50.960
I like the idea that you just said.
00:27:51.119 --> 00:27:52.240
Are you making her life easier?
00:27:52.319 --> 00:27:53.839
I think that's a really good route.
00:27:54.480 --> 00:27:55.119
Yep.
00:27:55.359 --> 00:27:58.640
Yeah, I mean, unhealthy leadership, you could just say, is just controlling.
00:27:58.799 --> 00:28:08.960
If you're controlling your woman and telling her what she can and can't do, and it's coming from a place of insecurity or fear, then that would be the unhealthy type of leadership.
00:28:09.200 --> 00:28:11.200
And there's many different ways that that can show up.
00:28:11.279 --> 00:28:18.319
And I've heard like lots of men who try to control who their woman hangs hangs out with, control what they wear, control where they go.
00:28:18.640 --> 00:28:40.559
But then the new the nuance of that too is like healthy leadership could be if you're deeply secure within yourself and you know what feels right and what feels disrespectful, and you're noticing your woman hang out with certain kinds of individuals that aren't bringing the best out of her or putting her in environments that are not kind of advantageous to the relationship, or she's wearing certain clothing that's inviting attention that you feel like, you know what, I don't feel like that sits right with me.
00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:47.839
A healthy form of leadership could be just like going, hey, I I've noticed this, this has been happening, and it's making me feel this kind of way.
00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:54.720
And I have a certain need, or I have a certain need in this relationship where I feel like I need some more respect from you in this in this area.
00:28:54.960 --> 00:28:55.839
So I have this request.
00:28:55.920 --> 00:29:03.440
I don't know if you'd be down, but like I have this request for you, would you be willing to, you know, I guess spend a little less time with these people because I'm noticing the impact it's having on you?
00:29:03.519 --> 00:29:17.839
So it's it's how you deliver your communication, it's how you lead her through language, it's how you um identify emotions that she may be feeling and you initiating conversations to talk about those emotions, having hard conversations, it's all like forms of leadership.
00:29:18.079 --> 00:29:20.640
Um that's what I'm example again.
00:29:21.519 --> 00:29:22.799
That's right, you're coming off that.
00:29:23.039 --> 00:29:27.440
Is there an example that that you've experienced that that would be like a good illustration for that?
00:29:27.680 --> 00:29:42.480
How you can bring a request that if it came from a from a space of anxiousness and fear, that might be more of a controlling demand, but could be presented as a way of hey, I'm kind of watching out for the direction of our relationship, and how that went over.
00:29:51.039 --> 00:30:02.000
Well, like I I get I I'll give the example of someone who I was on a podcast with recently when I was in LA of her her partner was not okay with her wearing certain clothes to Coachella.
00:30:02.079 --> 00:30:06.960
She was he was not okay with her hanging out with certain people at this festival she was going to.
00:30:07.119 --> 00:30:15.759
And the way he went about it was just like he was like, You need to wear a jumper around your waist every time you go to the gym because I don't want you bringing that kind of attention in.
00:30:15.920 --> 00:30:20.559
And it he just obviously was like projecting his insecurities onto the relationship.
00:30:20.720 --> 00:30:26.480
And when she received that from that angle, she she thought she did what she he requested because she really cared about him.
00:30:26.559 --> 00:30:31.119
But over time, she's gonna feel constricted, she's gonna feel controlled, like her fullest expression isn't gonna come through.
00:30:31.200 --> 00:30:35.039
And keep in mind this this woman was like a model or she just was an influencer online.
00:30:35.519 --> 00:30:42.720
So it's like finding that fine line between you want to encourage your woman's aliveness, you want to encourage the freedom in her expression.
00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:58.079
But if there's still levels of immaturity in her behavior that don't match what you feel like would be respectful in your relationship, then it's about tuning into what's all what's an authentic request, meaning is it's coming from love, it's coming from security.
00:30:58.160 --> 00:30:59.359
Like, I'm okay in myself.
00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:02.480
I'm not trying to like control you so that I can feel okay, I'm okay.
00:31:02.640 --> 00:31:08.240
But I still have this desire that I feel like would bring us closer together.
00:31:08.480 --> 00:31:10.400
I really feel like that's that's the thing, bro.
00:31:10.480 --> 00:31:14.400
Is the request gonna bring you guys closer together or is it gonna push you guys further away?
00:31:14.480 --> 00:31:17.839
That's how you know if it's uh control or leadership.
00:31:18.079 --> 00:31:21.279
Um what what are some examples of that so I can understand what you mean?
00:31:21.920 --> 00:31:30.400
Well, the well, in the case of a man like telling a woman what to do or where to go or who she hangs out with, they're they're all the obvious examples.
00:31:30.720 --> 00:31:47.119
Um I think like I think as well, a lot of men right now sometimes are leaning into this whole the men who go into the manosphere red pill space often say that what they want for their woman is just to be like stay-at-home mum.
00:31:47.200 --> 00:31:50.640
They want it, they want they want her to just like cook and clean and take care of the house.
00:31:50.720 --> 00:31:52.880
And that that's their you know, that's that's their essence.
00:31:52.960 --> 00:31:54.559
That's what that's where women are best.
00:31:54.880 --> 00:31:56.880
And some not all women are like that.
00:31:56.960 --> 00:32:05.279
So when a man starts to project that level of control onto his woman and says that's what she should do, um, the question then becomes like, does that make her come alive?
00:32:05.359 --> 00:32:06.559
Is that what she really desires?
00:32:06.640 --> 00:32:25.200
Because some women may have some, they might be really smart or really intelligent and have a certain skill that allows them to excel in business, then your role as a man is to nurture what makes her come alive, support her deepest desires rather than telling her, I want you to be a trad wife, want you to be a trad wife because that's that's what I want.
00:32:25.440 --> 00:32:27.200
Well, I don't know.
00:32:29.039 --> 00:32:32.400
That's um that's a really really beautiful way to look at it, too, man.
00:32:32.480 --> 00:32:47.920
That your role and kind of like a good leadership audit, if leadership is like bringing things to the surface that are directional requests, um is it attached to wanting her to become her best?
00:32:48.400 --> 00:32:56.160
Yeah, uh and it can get really tangled on your own shit where you're like, you know, well, if she gets really great, then fuck me.
00:32:56.240 --> 00:32:57.440
Like, you know, what if she leaves?
00:32:57.519 --> 00:33:01.039
What if she gets so cool that she's not gonna want to be with me anymore?
00:33:01.599 --> 00:33:03.119
Uh that could be really tough.
00:33:03.519 --> 00:33:05.119
Definitely, definitely, big time.
00:33:05.279 --> 00:33:05.680
Big time.
00:33:05.759 --> 00:33:19.440
I think if that's underlying if if that's the underlying intention for both of you guys, you want each other to be the best versions of yourselves, then you can't really lose in the relationship if that's uh a core value that you both share.
00:33:19.519 --> 00:33:22.240
It's like we want to bring the best out of each other.
00:33:22.559 --> 00:33:25.839
Well, you then know very quickly when you're straying away from that core value.
00:33:25.920 --> 00:33:28.160
Like you'll know, you'll know, you you can sense it.
00:33:28.240 --> 00:33:36.079
And I I just know that's why I've always been like I've always chosen Amanda as my partner, is because she always brings the best out of me.
00:33:36.160 --> 00:33:44.000
She's never not brought the best out of me, and that's that's what I I value the most in my relationship, and I'd like to hope other people do as well who are listening.
00:33:44.240 --> 00:33:45.680
Yeah, you mentioned the manuscript.
00:33:45.839 --> 00:33:46.799
Otherwise, why are you otherwise?
00:33:46.880 --> 00:33:47.599
Why are you with that person?
00:33:47.680 --> 00:33:48.240
You know what I mean?
00:33:48.480 --> 00:33:56.559
This person not like why would you hang out with a person and not bringing the best out of you, aside from the fact that you're just trauma bonded with them, and it's just like an attachment you can't break.
00:33:57.200 --> 00:34:00.799
Honestly, that's a very useful question.
00:34:01.680 --> 00:34:04.240
Uh, just familiarity and by default.
00:34:04.559 --> 00:34:05.200
That's right.
00:34:05.519 --> 00:34:05.920
That's right.
00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:06.799
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
00:34:06.960 --> 00:34:13.920
People afraid of confronting their wounds if they were to let go of this person who is the perfect comfort blanket.
00:34:15.440 --> 00:34:16.159
How am I going to be able to do that?
00:34:16.239 --> 00:34:21.039
Anyway, you want to ask something about the you're sorry, I cut you off because you want to ask something about the manosphere, so I was curious about it.
00:34:21.199 --> 00:34:21.599
Yeah, yeah.
00:34:21.679 --> 00:34:22.880
Like uh, what's the manosphere?
00:34:23.039 --> 00:34:23.760
What's the red pill thing?
00:34:23.840 --> 00:34:24.719
What are you talking about?
00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:29.840
Did you watch the documentary on Netflix that was uh made about the topic?
00:34:30.239 --> 00:34:32.000
Uh I I don't think I did.
00:34:32.079 --> 00:34:34.320
I know I watched a kind of like documentary.
00:34:35.039 --> 00:34:38.159
I think I watched maybe a little bit of the documentary.
00:34:38.239 --> 00:34:39.440
I can't remember if it was or not.
00:34:39.679 --> 00:34:55.760
Yeah, it was a documentary recently that came out like six months ago about the manosphere in Red Pill, where this um the host kind of went and infiltrated that some of the leaders in that whole space and kind of got a behind-the-scenes look at the some of the ideologies that they stand for.
00:34:55.840 --> 00:35:00.320
And a lot of it is is is quite toxic in terms of how they view women.
00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:07.840
And the you could say that the one the person who made it mainly mainstream was Andrew Tate and his philosophies and his views.
00:35:08.079 --> 00:35:12.719
Now, yeah, there's obviously so many aspects of that that were unhealthy.
00:35:12.880 --> 00:35:34.400
I do feel like there's some aspects of it that were beneficial to young men and what's allowed the masculine space to step into, but it has created so many, so much wounding for women because it just resembled a lot of this uh unintegrated masculinity where men thought they knew what was best for women, men who kind of claim to be like this is the way it is.
00:35:34.559 --> 00:35:35.920
Women do this and men do this.
00:35:36.000 --> 00:36:05.440
And I think there's just so much nuance to that when a man does develop a more emotional maturity, when he goes through his own emotional work, he realizes like you know, this there's a there's a new wave of consciousness that is so far beyond these traditional roles that still serve a have a have a place, but there's like another wave of that, like we were saying before, where um a woman can explore what what is she what does she want deep down, like outside of the projections that it placed on her, same as a man.
00:36:05.519 --> 00:36:06.800
What does a man want like deep down?
00:36:06.880 --> 00:36:08.320
Like that's that should be the primary role.
00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:19.599
And I think that whole space had so much oh, it's just so much like loaded uh perspectives uh from these men who just got fully indoctrinated to this viewpoint.
00:36:20.320 --> 00:36:43.280
With the do you feel like the kind of next stage for men in our roles and relationships with women is moving away from being like material provision and and into more like bro, you gotta get it, you gotta get in touch with the your emotional body and learn how to process, metabolize emotions, communicate, etc.
00:36:43.760 --> 00:36:44.800
Or you're gonna fucking suck.
00:36:45.039 --> 00:36:47.039
Yeah, definitely, definitely, definitely.
00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:48.079
Yeah, definitely.
00:36:48.320 --> 00:37:02.880
But unfortunately, this the world still perpetuates or feeds the the disembodiment or the the disconnection from emotions because it just feeds impulses, just feeds people chasing like because the word desire, like there's there's two different types of desire.
00:37:03.039 --> 00:37:08.000
There's the desire you have as an impulse where you're chasing dopamine, you're chasing distraction, you want to numb yourself.
00:37:08.079 --> 00:37:12.639
Those desires are pulling you away from what your soul deeply craves.
00:37:12.880 --> 00:37:15.039
So there's this desire of like, what does your soul want?
00:37:15.119 --> 00:37:17.119
And there's a desire of like, what does my mind want?
00:37:17.280 --> 00:37:27.280
And sometimes like the desire of like my body, if your body is, you know, you you might think you want something, but it's just if it's just an addiction, then that's when you're getting pulled down the path of distraction.
00:37:27.440 --> 00:37:32.159
So it's like really discerning what's a true and authentic desire that my soul really wants.
00:37:32.400 --> 00:37:35.039
And knowing how to discern that is is a part of that.
00:37:35.199 --> 00:37:54.880
But the only way you can connect with that is if you got in contact with your emotionality, you're able to sit with your emotions, you're able to learn to move through different emotional experiences without without identifying with them and knowing who you really are underneath the surface as the as the one who's aware of it all, the the one that's the seat of the I am, right?
00:37:54.960 --> 00:38:05.360
It's and as you kind of sit back and recognize that who you are is the sky, like in the metaphor of or the analogy or the sky, you are the sky, and the motions just the clouds passing through.
00:38:05.599 --> 00:38:10.000
If you don't identify with the clouds and you just allow all these clouds to pass through, and remember that I'm the sky.
00:38:10.159 --> 00:38:15.360
I'm the sky, like I'm infinite in nature, I'm I'm abundant as as because it's I'm the source.
00:38:15.599 --> 00:38:26.960
Then when you operate from that place, from that identity, you realize that there's there's nothing for you to prove out there, there's nothing for you to get out there.
00:38:27.199 --> 00:38:34.880
You know, everything out there is just an effect of an underlying cause from which who you've decided to be.
00:38:35.119 --> 00:38:35.360
Right?
00:38:35.519 --> 00:38:43.599
So it's like people, when they're chasing impulse and desire, like they're trying to chase it out there, but everything you desire is already exists in here.
00:38:43.679 --> 00:38:49.519
You already have it, you know, and it's just about reorientating your identity to the one who already has it.
00:38:49.920 --> 00:38:59.599
I love the um, I just love that take on suffering, that suffering is projecting externally what you've disconnected with internally and trying to chase it down.
00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:18.880
Like uh you don't feel empowered inside, so you chase down the external symbol of power, you don't feel love, so you chase down approval, you don't feel connected to your own turn on, so you just constantly consume sex, like and it makes me think about like um David Data did a lot of teaching on that kind of stuff.
00:39:19.199 --> 00:39:28.960
I like the phrase in what in his book, uh the recent book, The Man of Zero, where he says uh uh all all experience dissolves into your awareness.
00:39:29.679 --> 00:39:34.320
So like don't chase experience, don't chase, you know, like it's just gonna disappear back to where you are, you know.
00:39:34.639 --> 00:39:36.800
Yeah, yeah, it's a beautiful realization.
00:39:36.960 --> 00:39:39.840
Well, it's it's beautiful to think about it and realize it.
00:39:39.920 --> 00:39:42.639
It's a whole nother thing to actually live from that place.
00:39:42.719 --> 00:39:49.199
And I think it's what David Data does so well, and certain other people that I've got in got in contact with over the journey.
00:39:49.280 --> 00:39:56.559
It's just like it's it's hard to decondition yourself from like all the old fucking stories and beliefs that keep you away from that truth.
00:39:56.800 --> 00:39:58.960
Which why does homeboy not use a camera?
00:39:59.119 --> 00:40:01.840
Like on any of his uh you know I'm talking about?
00:40:02.159 --> 00:40:02.639
Yeah, yeah.
00:40:02.719 --> 00:40:06.239
Yeah, I watched I listened I listened to some of his interview with Chris Williamson the other day.
00:40:06.400 --> 00:40:07.599
Was he on camera then?
00:40:07.840 --> 00:40:08.960
No, he wasn't on camera.
00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:12.880
Well, I haven't watched it yet because I was like, I'm sure he's sitting in front of Chris.
00:40:13.039 --> 00:40:16.159
I could watch literally David talk about him, but I don't know.
00:40:16.239 --> 00:40:23.920
I mean, do we know for sure 100% that David data exists anymore if it's not like an info bank, like a notebook LM of all the DTC interviews?
00:40:24.159 --> 00:40:24.880
It's a great question.
00:40:25.039 --> 00:40:25.920
It's a great question.
00:40:27.119 --> 00:40:27.760
We're never gonna know.
00:40:28.480 --> 00:40:29.599
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:40:29.760 --> 00:40:30.400
It's so true.
00:40:30.480 --> 00:40:31.679
It could just be a AI file.
00:40:32.639 --> 00:40:36.079
I did not know that even his interview with Chris was not on video.
00:40:36.159 --> 00:40:38.000
I would put him on a video for Chris.
00:40:38.239 --> 00:40:40.559
What other interviews did you listen of him recently?
00:40:40.800 --> 00:40:47.519
I just watched I just listened to the uh when he did his book release, he did kind of like a pre-book release QA type situation.
00:40:47.679 --> 00:40:47.840
Okay.
00:40:48.079 --> 00:40:49.599
I was yeah, I was like, Yeah, let's go, man.
00:40:49.679 --> 00:40:52.719
David's an I mean, absolutely David is a GOAT, amazing teacher.
00:40:52.880 --> 00:40:53.760
His books are incredible.
00:40:54.079 --> 00:40:54.960
Me man, he's cooking.
00:40:55.679 --> 00:41:00.079
However, dude doesn't use a dude does not use a camera, and like it was such a letdown.
00:41:00.159 --> 00:41:07.519
I was like, wait, where is people were commenting like hey, camera's not on, cameras not on, and then the people that were like kind of helping out in the zoom car were like, David doesn't use a camera.
00:41:08.079 --> 00:41:09.760
Hey, bro, why so funny?
00:41:09.920 --> 00:41:10.719
It's so funny.
00:41:10.960 --> 00:41:14.159
Maybe it's an energetic thing, could be an energetic thing.
00:41:14.400 --> 00:41:15.679
What do you mean?
00:41:16.320 --> 00:41:22.159
Well, like if you're using a camera, like I don't know, you got people like looking at you.
00:41:22.400 --> 00:41:23.679
Maybe he doesn't want people looking at him.
00:41:23.760 --> 00:41:27.039
It's like he doesn't want people's attention, like I don't know.
00:41:27.280 --> 00:41:32.239
It's just it's just or maybe maybe it's a part of his like where he stays grounded in himself.
00:41:32.320 --> 00:41:38.559
He doesn't want to be like looking at a screen, maybe he's answering questions, like fucking staying in his body and just like walking around.
00:41:38.639 --> 00:41:39.679
I don't who knows.
00:41:39.920 --> 00:41:40.800
Yeah, definitely.
00:41:40.960 --> 00:41:43.920
I mean, whatever makes whatever gives us the best version of David, I'll take it.
00:41:44.079 --> 00:41:45.360
Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly.
00:41:46.159 --> 00:41:46.800
Thousand percent.
00:41:48.320 --> 00:41:53.679
If he's laying in a sensory deprivation float tank, man, staring out the superstar night sky, I'm okay with it.
00:41:53.760 --> 00:41:55.519
Because dude's got that's it, that's it.
00:41:55.840 --> 00:41:59.199
Thousand percent did you read the book recently, The Man of Zero?
00:41:59.760 --> 00:42:00.719
Uh no, I haven't.
00:42:00.800 --> 00:42:01.360
How how is it?
00:42:01.440 --> 00:42:02.719
Uh it's on it's it's on my list.
00:42:02.800 --> 00:42:04.239
It's something I'll I'd love to check out.
00:42:04.559 --> 00:42:05.519
It's really interesting, man.
00:42:05.760 --> 00:42:07.360
You read the book The Way of the Superior Man.
00:42:07.599 --> 00:42:08.159
Yeah, of course.
00:42:08.239 --> 00:42:08.800
Yeah, okay.
00:42:09.280 --> 00:42:09.920
Great book.
00:42:10.159 --> 00:42:20.239
Um, he essentially kind of set it up as like a hierarchy, like uh you have basic man and PS, he also says that all men at all points in life just kind of do this back and forth, so it's not like you graduate or there.
00:42:20.320 --> 00:42:35.599
So I think that's a useful uh frame EA, but like basic man kind of chasing distraction, uh chasing external fulfillment, um, uh superior man uh more connected inside with a sense of purpose, uh desire to give the gifts to the world.
00:42:35.760 --> 00:42:55.039
The man of zero is kind of like um just uh a man who no longer desires anything from anything and just wants to I I see it like he's kind of reached the monkhood stage where he's just like what is life or anything have to offer me that I don't have within already, um which is really really good.
00:42:55.679 --> 00:43:01.360
Um it seems to have a lot of just a lot of ideas about effortlessness, which is really cool.
00:43:01.679 --> 00:43:06.639
Effortlessness and connection to your woman, effortlessness and sex.
00:43:07.519 --> 00:43:10.960
Um yeah, it's just it's interesting.
00:43:11.679 --> 00:43:15.440
Yeah, I mean the book's probably read it in one way, but I think it's useful too.
00:43:15.760 --> 00:43:25.199
Yeah, it's probably a reflection of the place that he's arrived at in his own journey, which is cool to know that that that is a place to arrive at as we keep going down this path.
00:43:25.280 --> 00:43:32.719
And I think the as young men or as a man who's still in a certain stage, it's like not thinking that you should be at that stage already.
00:43:32.880 --> 00:43:39.840
It's like it's I feel like this it's perfectly normal and natural to still be at a certain stage of like wanting to, and I accepted that early on as well.
00:43:39.920 --> 00:43:49.039
Because I I remember when in my early 20s when I went deep into like the spiritual path and I was reading all these books like Eckhart Tole and Ram Das and all of that, and I was like, Oh, that's that's all I need to be.
00:43:49.119 --> 00:43:53.840
I'm just gonna like let go of all my desires and just kind of be the one that doesn't need anything from the external world.
00:43:53.920 --> 00:43:59.760
And I went through that period for a period of time, and I was I was like happy when I left my job and started just.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:05.199
Doing work that I loved and was making minimum wage working in a meditation studio and working in wellness clinics.
00:44:05.280 --> 00:44:07.679
But then when I realized that fuck, I don't have a lot of money right now.
00:44:07.760 --> 00:44:08.960
I gotta I gotta pay rent.
00:44:12.239 --> 00:44:14.960
I probably get a job that pays me a little bit more money here.
00:44:15.039 --> 00:44:28.400
And like, you know, and that's why I'm like getting back into the world as uh someone who's like, okay, I want there are certain things that I want to experience in this life, certain luxuries, certain things that I want to accomplish.
00:44:28.480 --> 00:44:30.800
Um, that's gonna require me to generate wealth.
00:44:30.880 --> 00:44:37.119
And and that's where a stage that I feel like you get to go through as individual is like if I if you want to have these experiences, great.
00:44:37.360 --> 00:44:39.679
Yeah, and I think uh that might be a good audit of sorts.
00:44:39.760 --> 00:44:41.920
Like if it's really hard to let go, you're not done yet.
00:44:42.239 --> 00:44:42.639
Yeah.
00:44:43.519 --> 00:44:50.159
If if you start itching to like get more, like go get it until I think what David says in his book is like do it until you're done, and then you're done.
00:44:50.559 --> 00:44:51.599
Exactly, exactly, exactly.
00:44:51.760 --> 00:45:07.039
Which I think it from an age perspective too, it's probably normal as a man gets into his 50s, 60s, 70s, that that if he has been on this path for a period of time, then it's natural that you arrive at this place going, okay, I've got everything I needed from the external world.
00:45:07.119 --> 00:45:16.079
Yeah, um, my desire to have more things is now not there, and I'm I'm at this place of zero where I'm quite content with what is, you know.
00:45:16.159 --> 00:45:19.679
I think Rumdust kind of got there as well uh in the back end of his life.
00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:21.920
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:45:22.239 --> 00:45:31.760
Which is there, but to still be occupying it, not to get like a whirl off the path here, but like it's so crazy to think about someone still occupying a body but being completely checked out.
00:45:31.920 --> 00:45:37.039
Like yeah, I know like like give it to somebody else, but you're not gonna use it.
00:45:39.119 --> 00:45:41.440
Yeah, it was pretty cool.
00:45:41.519 --> 00:45:48.800
I know it's it's it's it's it's it, yeah, again, it is it is it depends on if that's a man's mission and purpose to arrive at that state.
00:45:49.039 --> 00:45:51.039
Probably not everyone, it's only a select few.
00:45:51.519 --> 00:45:55.840
Um and you can tell me if this kind of latches on for you if there's something interesting here if you talk about it now, we can move on.
00:45:55.920 --> 00:46:23.920
But uh one of the things that really interests me a lot about David Data's teachings, uh, not even just specifically from the book, because I'm not talking about the content that you haven't really engaged with a lot, but like just his whole um whole perspective that what your woman really craves from you is your presence, not something that you layer on to it, not something that you do, but the quality and the depth of your presence in a moment with her.
00:46:24.880 --> 00:46:28.239
And that's been so helpful in my life, man.
00:46:28.800 --> 00:46:32.000
So helpful, big time, big time, yeah.
00:46:32.079 --> 00:46:44.880
It's like how do you cultivate that level of depth, of presence and wholeness and fulfillment inside of you so that when you are around her, she can feel she can feel that and she can interact with that.
00:46:45.039 --> 00:46:49.119
Um that's the question that every man should be asking is like, how do I go deeper?
00:46:49.360 --> 00:46:59.840
How do I go deeper inside of me so that I can fill my cop up in such a way where I'm good, I don't need anything from her from the world.
00:47:00.079 --> 00:47:00.960
Yeah, yeah.
00:47:01.519 --> 00:47:13.519
Um, the depth itself, this kind of ties into a question I wanted to ask you since we're talking about the importance of men to evolve into more emotionally you know, inept, I guess, inept, you know, equipped.
00:47:13.760 --> 00:47:30.239
Um just I'm interested to hear what your suggestions would be about just any practices for men or um in the deaf department with developing a like for a guy to hear this and goes like okay, presence.
00:47:30.320 --> 00:47:33.840
So like present, I'm here, body's in the chair, I'm at dinner.
00:47:34.159 --> 00:47:38.239
Fuck you talking about what does presence mean from the area that we're discussing?
00:47:38.639 --> 00:48:00.719
Yeah, the ability to just like sit with yourself and not run from yourself or not avoid the tension and heaviness and tightness that sometimes comes up in the body when we just stay still for a moment, when you don't reach for the phone or you don't put on Netflix, or you just like allow yourself to be in the nothingness or the emptiness of an empty schedule.
00:48:00.960 --> 00:48:07.280
Like so many men, like if they're if their calendar is not fully booked the entire day of every day, like they it creates anxiety in them.
00:48:07.519 --> 00:48:11.679
So it's like being able to be alright with space in your life.
00:48:12.320 --> 00:48:15.360
Does it create anxiety or does it does it reveal the anxiety?
00:48:16.639 --> 00:48:17.199
Hmm.
00:48:19.599 --> 00:48:20.800
Probably a bit of both.
00:48:21.039 --> 00:48:21.920
Probably a bit of both.
00:48:22.079 --> 00:48:22.400
Yeah.
00:48:22.559 --> 00:48:28.480
I feel like that uh for me when I first started like my business, I remember you know thinking that I needed to be coaching all the time.
00:48:28.559 --> 00:48:31.519
I need to have like productivity in the calendar, I need to always be doing something.
00:48:31.679 --> 00:48:41.760
And the moment my calendar wasn't full, it would trigger this like fear that I'm not doing enough, this fear that I I might not make enough money and I might fail and I might let people down, and then that would bring up anxiety in me.
00:48:41.840 --> 00:48:46.480
And then the way that I would avoid the anxiety is I would just work harder, I would just caffeinate more.
00:48:46.719 --> 00:48:55.760
And that would be the the indicator for me that I'm not able to bring a level of depth of presence to my partner because I'm I'm not I'm filling the space with all this stuff.
00:48:55.840 --> 00:48:59.519
I'm not able to allow this emotion to come up in me, right?
00:48:59.599 --> 00:49:04.960
Like allow the anxiety to come up in me, which is what the space is bringing, and going, This is not who I am.
00:49:05.119 --> 00:49:06.719
This is something that's moving through me.
00:49:06.800 --> 00:49:14.480
This is a pattern, this is conditioning through an old story that I bought into that says my worth is based on what I do.
00:49:15.039 --> 00:49:25.280
You're saying that the the routine you were keeping at the time, you begin to get a sense of awareness of it that this is this is me reenacting, this is me acting out from something that happened in the past.
00:49:25.360 --> 00:49:27.519
I need to get away and retire this old behavior.
00:49:27.840 --> 00:49:28.239
Exactly.
00:49:28.400 --> 00:49:30.480
Yeah, retire, retire this old identity.
00:49:30.559 --> 00:49:37.840
The behavior was attached to the old identity that says I'm my worth is based on what I produce, what I do, what I achieve.
00:49:38.320 --> 00:49:50.880
So as I retire that old identity and rest into the fact that like my worth is produced, my my worth is connected to who I am, and who I am is a part of God.
00:49:50.960 --> 00:49:52.559
I I I come from God.
00:49:52.639 --> 00:49:55.760
I I'm I'm a I'm I'm a child of God.
00:49:56.079 --> 00:49:58.239
We're we're all that at our at our core, right?
00:49:58.320 --> 00:50:05.599
So it's like resting back into the identity of if that's who I am, and I can choose that and select that, then my worth is infinite.
00:50:05.760 --> 00:50:09.920
There's nothing I need to do out there to feel worthy because I am worthy.
00:50:10.320 --> 00:50:23.840
Such an interesting experience, too, for a man to have who is a high-producing man, like who does really jive with the get-and-go and is conscientious and wants to work hard and wants to provide and enjoy bringing back a kill and all that kind of stuff.
00:50:24.239 --> 00:50:35.360
You also allow opportunities in his relationship to show the vulnerability that moves past the I'm a pro I'm a producer and I'm a go-getter, and allow your heart to be nourished.
00:50:35.440 --> 00:50:45.360
That's been really, really beautiful in my own life, just allowing myself to have different modes, like have relational mode and have work mode and use those differently.
00:50:45.840 --> 00:50:47.599
Yes, definitely, definitely, 100%.
00:50:48.079 --> 00:50:48.639
Yeah.
00:50:48.960 --> 00:51:05.760
And recognizing that just because you relinquish the identity of like I'm someone who always needs to do to prove his worth, or I am this person who's like got a full calendar and super productive, just because you relinquish that doesn't make you lose the the drive.
00:51:05.920 --> 00:51:10.639
You don't lose your drive or your your your your your capacity to achieve great things.
00:51:10.800 --> 00:51:24.159
In fact, it it amplifies that because now the energy that's now moving through you is so much more in alignment um that it has a much larger impact because it's like um it's like a a lion.
00:51:24.639 --> 00:51:31.119
When when a lion a lion does two two three main things you could say out of been to Africa, I've watched how lions operate.
00:51:31.280 --> 00:51:37.519
They're either they're resting 70% of the time, that I would say 80% of the time, they're doing nothing.
00:51:37.679 --> 00:51:38.960
They're resting, they're sleep.
00:51:39.119 --> 00:51:41.039
Lions sleep more than most other animals.
00:51:41.360 --> 00:51:42.559
Like 20 hours a day.
00:51:42.800 --> 00:51:43.840
Yeah, it's crazy.
00:51:44.159 --> 00:51:58.239
Because the the main thing that they're they're setting themselves up for is when it's time to catch something, to hunt, the amount of energy that they exert exude, it's like boom, it's like they when they strike, it's potent, it's powerful, they attack, boom.
00:51:58.320 --> 00:52:00.159
They when they catch it, boom, that's it, done.
00:52:00.239 --> 00:52:03.039
They've just caught food that's gonna feed their entire family for the week.
00:52:03.280 --> 00:52:08.960
But if the lion was thinking it needs to be productive, it's like, fuck, I don't have time to sleep, I gotta go out there and start looking for food right now.
00:52:09.199 --> 00:52:12.000
Then it's when it's time for it to hunt, it's at like 50%.
00:52:12.719 --> 00:52:15.280
Yeah, and same goes for like us as entrepreneurs.
00:52:15.360 --> 00:52:23.039
It's like if you act like a lion, most of your activities that aren't you hunting should be you resting.
00:52:23.199 --> 00:52:26.800
It should be you just like recalibrating the internal reserves.
00:52:27.039 --> 00:52:35.679
Then when it's time for you to go, like, now I'm gonna I'm gonna coach someone, boom, it's time for me to hunt, like full sprint, because I've got the reserves to go, or it's time for me to make that piece of content.
00:52:35.760 --> 00:52:38.079
Cool, poof, there's heaps of energy there to make that.
00:52:38.320 --> 00:52:49.599
That's the thing that creates difference and value, and people can feel that because when a person's not operating from fear and scarcity in their life, you're able to, you're able to just like cool, it's 2 p.m.
00:52:49.679 --> 00:52:51.360
on a Tuesday, I'm gonna go fucking get a mess out.
00:52:51.519 --> 00:52:52.800
I'm gonna go have a nap.
00:52:53.119 --> 00:52:54.559
I'm gonna go like chill.
00:52:54.960 --> 00:52:55.519
Yeah, too.
00:52:55.599 --> 00:53:03.679
It's a really important, it's a really important separation to make that your value is based on what you produce within a certain context, and that is the workplace specifically.
00:53:03.840 --> 00:53:09.599
But that that rule book, yeah, your value in the workplace is totally based on what you produce, like the end, your value.
00:53:10.000 --> 00:53:16.079
But when you come home, your value is in the ability to be present, the ability to move from your heart, the ability to listen.
00:53:16.400 --> 00:53:17.519
And you can't.
00:53:17.679 --> 00:53:34.880
I think it's really cool that I that it seems like a lot of people, a lot of guys specifically are running up against that problem where it seems that the women in our lives, uh, those with with children, are really expressing more of this dissatisfaction with just with the work stuff.
00:53:35.119 --> 00:53:36.880
Uh 100%, man.
00:53:37.039 --> 00:53:37.679
100% man.
00:53:38.400 --> 00:53:42.320
One thing that comes comes to mind too, just continue to talk about the practices to cultivate depth.
00:53:42.400 --> 00:53:44.480
Uh, it doesn't seem depth is fast.
00:53:46.000 --> 00:53:48.239
And that's the tricky part with people that are higher producers.
00:53:48.320 --> 00:53:49.440
You go, go, go, go, go.
00:53:49.519 --> 00:53:52.320
I don't think you could speed speed depth.
00:53:54.239 --> 00:53:55.440
No, you really can't.
00:53:55.679 --> 00:53:56.239
You really can't.
00:53:56.480 --> 00:54:00.800
It's something you can uh bio half your way to depth or self-optimize.
00:54:01.360 --> 00:54:02.159
Yeah, yeah.
00:54:02.880 --> 00:54:04.880
How to get twice as deep in half the time, bro.
00:54:05.039 --> 00:54:06.480
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
00:54:07.039 --> 00:54:08.480
It's fine, yeah, it's fascinating.
00:54:08.559 --> 00:54:11.679
It's really fascinating in a world that like demands speed.
00:54:11.920 --> 00:54:19.360
Um, especially in a culture like America that demands speed, uh, it it kind of comes on this cost, it comes at the cost of depth.
00:54:19.679 --> 00:54:29.599
We go to other cultures, European cultures, or even um, you know, in many other cultures where it's like this pace is significantly slower.
00:54:29.760 --> 00:54:38.000
You just find yourself like feeling more alive when you're in those cultures because you're not being pulled into operating from this fast pace, that's very mental.
00:54:38.320 --> 00:54:42.320
So nature will automatically bring bring that out of you.
00:54:43.199 --> 00:54:48.400
When you're in nature, it doesn't matter where you are, if you're away from noise, then you're gonna find depth a lot quicker.
00:54:48.639 --> 00:55:00.559
You know, funnily enough, like we're referring to speed, but depth will happen quicker because you kind of got no other option but to unwire yourself from all the stimulation that's creating dysregulation in your nervous system.
00:55:00.639 --> 00:55:11.119
And so you can you can you can try and be depth in depth, but if you're in an environment that's perpetuating distraction and noise and uh overstimulation, you you're net it's gonna be hard to get there.
00:55:11.360 --> 00:55:12.719
It's a lot harder to get there.
00:55:13.119 --> 00:55:15.760
The other things that are on my mind, I want to be mindful of your time.
00:55:15.840 --> 00:55:18.079
Were you planning for 60 or 90 today?
00:55:18.480 --> 00:55:21.039
Oh no, I've got I've got yeah, I've got another 30 minutes at least.
00:55:21.119 --> 00:55:22.239
Yeah, let's keep going.
00:55:22.960 --> 00:55:25.760
The emotional practices, man, for men to show up.
00:55:25.920 --> 00:55:38.000
Um, what I'm really interested in here is to dig into your brain a bit about the pitfalls that men have in their relationships with their partners when it comes to communicating.
00:55:38.159 --> 00:55:42.960
Like some of the skits you put up are really, really insightful with that, with uh with your Instagram.
00:55:43.360 --> 00:55:55.599
Um noticing the ways that the feedback we get from our partner is not seen as opportunity to meet her more closely, opportunity to meet her needs.
00:55:55.920 --> 00:55:59.280
How cool is that when your partner says, Hey, I need something from you?
00:55:59.599 --> 00:56:01.199
Yeah you know, how great is that?
00:56:01.440 --> 00:56:05.280
Versus hearing it as a as a you're not good enough.
00:56:05.519 --> 00:56:16.639
Um, I mean, like, what are some of the just like starter pack tool belt that we can give a couple, get some guys that says, hey, just if we don't do anything else, just kind of use these references when you're communicating with your partner.
00:56:19.840 --> 00:56:25.199
Well, one of the things that I took from this book uh called The Masculine in Relationships uh by a guy called G.S.
00:56:25.360 --> 00:56:27.039
Youngblood, it's a great book.
00:56:27.119 --> 00:56:29.440
Uh, highly recommend it for guys in relationships.
00:56:29.599 --> 00:56:33.519
But he talks about this thing of like hearing the pain and not the blame.
00:56:33.760 --> 00:56:43.119
So when a woman's like blaming you for something or she's getting angry at you, or you're feeling like you're feeling like she's fucking always on your case, then what's that what's the pain that's underneath that for her?
00:56:43.280 --> 00:57:03.920
And if you can start to take that perspective of like what's the unmet emotional need that she's experiencing right now, and you can start to get curious about her complaints and almost see them as disguised statements for unmet emotional needs, then you can get really good at just kind of like dodging attacks.
00:57:04.000 --> 00:57:17.920
You can you can you can dodge the little like word kind of bullets that come at you and not take them personally because then you know they're just a reflection of an area where she's feeling upset or hurt through her not feeling seen or understood by you.
00:57:18.239 --> 00:57:25.119
So that's just like the language of it, and just understanding that the all disagreements are coming from unmet emotional needs.
00:57:25.440 --> 00:57:26.159
Say that again.
00:57:26.559 --> 00:57:29.039
Say that specific line you say that again.
00:57:29.519 --> 00:57:33.599
That all disagreements come from unmet emotional needs.
00:57:33.840 --> 00:57:35.760
That part or the part before, yeah.
00:57:35.920 --> 00:57:40.719
The part before about like something about the way her complaints it's something about the pain.
00:57:41.039 --> 00:57:46.960
Yeah, every complaint of hers is a disguised statement of a hidden unmet emotional need.
00:57:47.440 --> 00:57:49.280
Oh, yeah, it's really, really wonderful, man.
00:57:49.360 --> 00:57:50.880
There's the opportunity right there.
00:57:51.119 --> 00:57:52.159
Yeah, exactly, exactly.
00:57:52.239 --> 00:58:07.039
So if a man can remember that, sometimes it's hard to do when he says something that just like triggers you that way, that like fuck, like it really hits that mark, and you your body responds and you want to defend, and you want to like you want to get a Chris Brown out of it.
00:58:07.760 --> 00:58:09.199
Exactly, exactly.
00:58:11.119 --> 00:58:12.079
Exactly.
00:58:12.239 --> 00:58:20.320
Uh so it's like you you you gotta notice that urge to want to defend and like shut down or avoid or hide and you know what?
00:58:20.400 --> 00:58:22.719
Okay, okay, let me let me be in this intensity for a moment.
00:58:22.800 --> 00:58:24.400
Let me let me be with this, let me be with this.
00:58:24.480 --> 00:58:26.880
Let me let me let me breathe and like notice like cool.
00:58:26.960 --> 00:58:29.519
What's the unmet emotional need that's going on inside of her right now?
00:58:29.599 --> 00:58:30.880
What's she what's she feeling?
00:58:31.039 --> 00:58:32.639
What's she feeling and what's she needing?
00:58:32.800 --> 00:58:34.159
What's she feeling and what she's needing?
00:58:34.239 --> 00:58:48.320
If you can like decode that or understand the difference between a feeling and a non-feeling, then you can help guide her back into her body and express the truth of what's going on without you reacting to it.
00:58:48.880 --> 00:58:53.199
And two, like in that moment, you have two options.
00:58:53.440 --> 00:58:59.199
You can either, well, two options in my mind, you can defend or you can really seek to understand where she's coming from.
00:58:59.280 --> 00:59:08.239
And what's really cool, what it seems to be like kind of cheat code for the guys, like yeah, if you just understand like in the moment, you don't have to change anything.
00:59:08.880 --> 00:59:18.639
You could just get down to what she's really saying and understand it, and just kind of like gently and open-heartedly echo back to her what she's saying.
00:59:18.960 --> 00:59:21.360
Um, did I make you feel like I didn't care about you?
00:59:21.440 --> 00:59:39.039
Or did you feel like uh I wasn't prioritizing you, or did it make you feel like I was I wasn't missing you too, or you know, like really just say, like, I could get in someone to give me a million dollars cash right now within five minutes I can understand what she's trying to tell me, like play that game, and then you'll just find that she just kind of releases it, and then you're back to connection again.
00:59:39.119 --> 00:59:42.320
And you didn't have to change anything about your routine, you just had to hear her.
00:59:42.639 --> 00:59:43.920
Exactly, exactly, exactly.
00:59:44.000 --> 00:59:45.360
Yeah, bingo, bingo.
00:59:45.440 --> 00:59:46.000
Yeah, yeah.
00:59:46.159 --> 00:59:54.719
And that's that's a skill, that's a real skill that you can learn as a man to learn how to be present without defending, justifying, or minimizing her experience.
00:59:54.800 --> 00:59:56.000
It's a it's a it's a skill.
00:59:56.639 --> 01:00:00.719
Oh, it's so it's so useful too to not go in that defense mode.
01:00:00.960 --> 01:00:03.599
Um, I just I feel it in my body when we talk about it, man.
01:00:03.679 --> 01:00:14.480
Just the practice of taking a breath and sitting in your seat, relaxing your feet a bit, relaxing there's no emergency here, nothing has to happen right now.
01:00:14.880 --> 01:00:18.800
Uh, you can allow, see if you can get time to slow down just a little bit.
01:00:19.760 --> 01:00:21.599
You know, can you feel your tongue in your mouth?
01:00:21.840 --> 01:00:23.119
Can you breathe for a second?
01:00:23.440 --> 01:00:27.519
And maybe even just ask her if you want to another cheat coat.
01:00:27.599 --> 01:00:30.960
Um tell me again so I can understand what you're saying.
01:00:31.119 --> 01:00:37.519
Like something that just buys you more time, like just get her to run it through again so that you can really settle it down and respond.
01:00:37.920 --> 01:00:38.400
Exactly.
01:00:38.559 --> 01:00:39.679
Exactly, exactly.
01:00:41.840 --> 01:00:42.559
Go ahead, Ru.
01:00:43.280 --> 01:00:45.519
No, no, I was just agreeing with what you were saying.
01:00:46.239 --> 01:00:48.239
Do you think there's value there?
01:00:48.400 --> 01:00:50.320
Or am I off the beaten path here?
01:00:50.960 --> 01:01:18.159
On the idea that like um maybe pretty, maybe there's a there's times where she doesn't even really need you to do anything about it or change anything, or pick up a new project, or begin to change a new part of yourself, or change your the she just literally wants you to hear her in a way that makes her feel like you go, Yeah, I get that, I understand that, and then that could be over.
01:01:18.480 --> 01:01:19.679
Yeah, yeah.
01:01:19.920 --> 01:01:26.079
Uh, most of the time, probably most of the time, there's not like uh a problem that needs to be solved, you know.
01:01:26.159 --> 01:01:39.440
Like I I had this, uh I have this client who's like a software engine, software engineer, and like his job is literally just to solve problems for software, and he treats his emotions like a problem to be solved, like he does in his workplace.
01:01:39.519 --> 01:01:44.239
And his mind's always trying to figure out the problem with this emotion that's going on right now.
01:01:44.559 --> 01:01:53.519
And if that's the case, if you're treating your own problems like a solution, like if you're treating your own emotions like a problem to be solved, then you're gonna do the same thing with your woman's emotions.
01:01:53.599 --> 01:01:56.239
You're gonna look at her pro her emotions and go, I need how do I fix this?
01:01:56.400 --> 01:01:58.159
What's what's the what's the way that I solve this?
01:01:58.239 --> 01:02:01.920
Like what does she need from me right now and to to provide that solution for her?
01:02:02.239 --> 01:02:09.920
Well, like you said, oftentimes she's not needing a solution or or or a five-step strategy or the or the or the outcome.
01:02:10.079 --> 01:02:14.400
She's just needing you to empathize, empathize with her in her emotional experience.
01:02:14.559 --> 01:02:18.400
And just by doing that alone, that's maybe all she needs, and she's good.
01:02:18.639 --> 01:02:22.719
But the caveat to that is like as a man, you gotta know what your limit is with that.
01:02:22.800 --> 01:02:26.800
Like, how much availability you do you have right now to hold that space for your partner?
01:02:26.960 --> 01:02:30.719
Because it is it it's it requires a lot of you sometimes.
01:02:30.800 --> 01:02:38.159
That presence, like it's it's being present for her for your partner for 15 minutes if she unpacks this emotional thing that's happening to her.
01:02:38.239 --> 01:02:39.679
Um, that can take a lot out of you.
01:02:39.760 --> 01:02:49.440
And as you start to lose that presence or that ability to be in it in it with her, you've got to be truthful and be like, hey, honestly, sweetheart, and I I want to be in this with you, but I'm I'm losing the capacity right now.
01:02:49.519 --> 01:02:54.079
I've had a long day, and I'm just like noticing I'm going into my head a little bit, and I really care about what you're saying.
01:02:54.239 --> 01:03:02.719
So maybe we just like go at it for two more minutes and then I'm uh let's let's let's wrap it here and maybe you can continue this conversation with some friends, or I can we can revisit it tomorrow.
01:03:02.960 --> 01:03:03.280
Boom.
01:03:03.440 --> 01:03:05.519
Yeah, like that that's important, you know.
01:03:05.599 --> 01:03:10.880
You're not just there like fucking white knuckling it and you're just exhausted from the day because you don't want to let it down.
01:03:11.039 --> 01:03:16.880
Yeah, yeah, because you're you're an important part of that interaction, and you want to be there for it presently.
01:03:17.039 --> 01:03:25.280
And if you feel like I think that's a really important thing, and I think John Weinland talks about that in uh the book uh from the core, I think is his book there.
01:03:25.360 --> 01:03:26.079
Great, great read.
01:03:26.159 --> 01:03:26.559
Yeah.
01:03:26.719 --> 01:03:30.000
Um knowing your edge and honoring that.
01:03:30.239 --> 01:03:35.280
It's so it's so so respectful for yourself and for her to say what you just said.
01:03:35.519 --> 01:03:39.119
I really, I really value what you're telling right now, and I want to be here for completely.
01:03:39.280 --> 01:03:40.719
I'm just a little bit spread thin.
01:03:40.800 --> 01:03:46.639
Can we do this tomorrow after you're after you're back home from work, or can we do this tomorrow at dinner at one of the car boxes?
01:03:46.719 --> 01:03:50.800
So I can give you my full, I want to give you my full attention for this because what you're saying is important.
01:03:51.199 --> 01:03:52.000
Yeah, yeah.
01:03:52.239 --> 01:04:13.599
It's good, it's hard to it's hard to give it's it's hard for her to give a bad response to that because you're like this more and you're also honoring yourself, you know, you're not compromising yourself in order to please, and that's like a big pattern that a lot of men fall into is this like people pleasing, like giving up their power because they don't want to upset someone or take up that space, but that's it does the opposite.
01:04:13.920 --> 01:04:14.480
Yeah.
01:04:14.719 --> 01:04:31.280
Um, one idea in the relationships, another one that I want to explore with you, is it's it's in the all along the same lines, but recently I've been thinking about the idea that often two some conversations don't even need to be had.
01:04:31.679 --> 01:04:40.320
Like if there's a disagreement, you know, I think for a lot of times us as men were like, you know, we need to talk about this and solve this to get to resolution.
01:04:40.559 --> 01:04:41.199
Same same.
01:04:41.920 --> 01:04:49.440
Instead of just is there in your world, in your mind, is there a place where you think maybe all sometimes you don't even need to have the conversations at all?
01:04:49.519 --> 01:04:52.960
You can live in disagreement and just refine love together and get back to play.
01:04:53.840 --> 01:04:54.559
Yeah, definitely.
01:04:54.639 --> 01:04:57.440
I think there's gonna be times when you you can just both agree to disagree.
01:04:57.599 --> 01:04:59.440
I think there's uh and that's okay.
01:04:59.519 --> 01:05:01.360
Like you can still kind of thrive.
01:05:01.440 --> 01:05:05.440
And and someone uh one of the guys in my men's group recently was talking about this.
01:05:05.519 --> 01:05:32.960
He was saying, uh when when you get to make a decision around a topic in your relationship with your partner or your wife or your girlfriend, whereas if you guys have a disagreement or there's something about her, her stance, her perspective, or the way she is that bothers you, you get to ask yourself the question is like the love that I have for her and this relationship, does it does it outweigh this small thing that I disagree with her on?
01:05:33.199 --> 01:05:40.159
And if it doesn't, then then you've got to like a serious thing to address, whether you you because it's gonna keep affecting the relationship.
01:05:40.320 --> 01:05:53.440
But if it's like, cool, if that one little thing about her perspective that like bothers me, the love that I get, give and receive from her is way bigger than that, then cool, I I can I can I can move on without it, without us having complete agreement there.
01:05:53.599 --> 01:05:56.159
And that does, it's gonna happen, like especially culturally as well.
01:05:56.239 --> 01:05:59.760
If you're dating someone from another culture, maybe there's cultural perspectives, cultural.
01:06:00.239 --> 01:06:03.199
Views, cultural values that are just maybe you don't align with.
01:06:03.280 --> 01:06:09.599
And if you can if you can operate through that, even though that there's there's differences, then that's totally doable.
01:06:10.000 --> 01:06:14.400
My dad would always say the phrase, do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship?
01:06:19.519 --> 01:06:27.440
What do you think about some of uh some of Data's or David, the uh maybe the real David, maybe the AI David.
01:06:27.519 --> 01:06:30.960
We don't know who we're discussing at this point, but still powerful insights.
01:06:31.199 --> 01:06:52.079
What do you think about David Data's idea that because I don't know, I don't know what I think about this man, that your woman's moods and criticisms he even throws the word abuse in there, which I'm like read us kind of out there, is a test of your love, not a legitimate thing that needs to be solved.
01:06:52.159 --> 01:07:07.519
It's just shh she wants to feel that you're not gonna leave with um with that type of sometimes powerfully disruptive energy, um and your job just to stay present for it and to let it dissolve in your presence.
01:07:08.000 --> 01:07:08.480
Question mark?
01:07:08.559 --> 01:07:09.199
What do you have?
01:07:11.199 --> 01:07:13.119
Well, it's a it depends on the woman, I feel.
01:07:13.280 --> 01:07:27.280
It depends on like if that um that expression is coming from the fear of her not knowing if you're gonna leave or stay, then maybe she will unconsciously test you by throwing those things at you.
01:07:27.440 --> 01:07:33.599
Uh, but I can't speak for that in my relationship with Amanda because uh I've always chosen her.
01:07:34.079 --> 01:07:36.320
We always have chosen each other in like moment to moment.
01:07:36.480 --> 01:07:39.920
So like uh disagreements, or we've really ever had fights, really.
01:07:40.079 --> 01:07:47.119
But like the disagreements that we have don't turn into those kinds of situations because she's not like fear, fearing, is he gonna leave me?
01:07:47.440 --> 01:07:50.400
Because she had an amazing dad, right?
01:07:50.480 --> 01:07:57.280
So not every guy is has the the you know the blessing to date a woman who had a had a great father, right?
01:07:57.360 --> 01:07:59.119
Because that's where this wounding comes from.
01:07:59.440 --> 01:08:12.639
So if you're a woman, if a woman had a really poor relationship with her dad, then you may have to confront a lot of those things, yeah, because she's just playing out that childhood conditioning, which says, like, is fuck is my dad gonna leave me again?
01:08:12.719 --> 01:08:16.159
Is it is the man that I love, is he gonna just like dip and not come back?
01:08:16.640 --> 01:08:21.039
So I I think that's the nuance there, uh, and the discernment.
01:08:22.399 --> 01:08:25.520
Yeah, it's really good stuff, man.
01:08:25.600 --> 01:08:31.279
Uh, I know that you said you start we started off this conversation by just saying there was a couple things top of mind for you that felt were a little bit more opinionated.
01:08:31.359 --> 01:08:37.119
Uh, is there anything that else that you want to throw out there for us to discuss, or we've kind of covered uh a lot of the stuff for today?
01:08:39.359 --> 01:08:43.279
I'd love to get something fresh off the don from Jordan that even Instagram hasn't seen.
01:08:44.399 --> 01:08:50.079
Ha ha well I think the the opinion the opinionated stuff is is slowly starting to come through.
01:08:50.239 --> 01:09:04.319
I think uh one of the things that I had made a post about previously, which was like, you know, your your wife or your girlfriend, or even as a man, is it okay to have friends of the opposite sex if you're in a relationship?
01:09:04.640 --> 01:09:16.159
And like I am under the opinion or the view that there is a significant decrease in the desire to have friends of the opposite sex if you're in a committed, loving, healthy relationship.
01:09:16.319 --> 01:09:23.520
Why would you have the need to want to find friends, new friends in the opposite sex if you're in a committed, healthy, loving relationship?
01:09:23.680 --> 01:09:30.000
Now, you may still have friends that come from one of your best friends' wife, you're hanging out with her and you become close friends with her.
01:09:30.079 --> 01:09:37.039
Like you're probably not gonna hang out with her outside of the interactions with your with your with your friend, but you may have still have friends of the opposite sex.
01:09:37.119 --> 01:09:52.640
But what I'm saying is you're not gonna go to a bar, go to an event, and strike up a conversation with this random person who's the opposite sex, and now you guys are gonna hang out separately from your relationship, and you're gonna tell your wife, hey, I've got this really cool friend that I'm gonna have dinner with tonight because we just clicked, we just got it on, and we're gonna hang out.
01:09:52.880 --> 01:09:56.880
That stuff, I believe, wouldn't happen if you were in a healthy, loving relationship.
01:09:56.960 --> 01:10:03.119
Likewise, with your missus, she's not gonna say, Hey, I've got this great friend that I met, we're gonna go to the bar and have a couple of drinks and just hit it off.
01:10:03.520 --> 01:10:06.239
I'm gonna be like, fucking sit there and be okay with that.
01:10:06.640 --> 01:10:10.640
Like that would reveal.
01:10:10.960 --> 01:10:16.560
And I'm and I'm saying this because like I've been in this position before in the past in my relationship where I noticed that happening.
01:10:16.720 --> 01:10:20.800
My woman was hanging out with these friends, and I was going, like, wait a second, why is that happening?
01:10:20.880 --> 01:10:27.199
Why is she feeling the need or the desire to have friends of the opposite sex that aren't that I don't know?
01:10:27.520 --> 01:10:35.359
And it revealed an area where I was not showing up and not providing and not being the man that provided, but all of those ways where she wouldn't want that.
01:10:35.520 --> 01:10:51.840
And the other aspect of that too is obviously her communicating, the the person of the opposite sex communicating, hey, I'm not feeling there's a need, again, that's going missing here that's causing me to feel like I'm disconnected from you, that I'm feeling alone in this relationship.
01:10:52.079 --> 01:10:59.359
So again, the mature way of handling that is communicating at number one and then addressing it and showing up as the person who can provide that for your partner.
01:10:59.760 --> 01:11:07.760
But you think that the person desiring relationship with the opposite sex outside of your partnership is a representation of a need that's not being met in the relationship?
01:11:07.840 --> 01:11:08.880
Is that what you're saying?
01:11:09.680 --> 01:11:10.880
Yeah, pretty much.
01:11:11.119 --> 01:11:11.439
Yeah.
01:11:11.600 --> 01:11:17.600
If if you have a need that's unmet in the relationship, then you're gonna seek to fulfill that somewhere else, right?
01:11:17.760 --> 01:11:18.319
Somewhere else.
01:11:18.560 --> 01:11:22.720
No one always be the opposite sex, but that is usually where most people go to fulfill it.
01:11:22.880 --> 01:11:24.319
And is that specifically what you're saying?
01:11:24.479 --> 01:11:48.800
The reason it's not okay to your mind is because it's uh what they're going after is something from the masculine, or vice versa, we would go for the feminine that we're not getting in our partner, or is it something like maybe a certain um like a commonality in a hobby or a certain uh shared humor or a certain interest in something like that you don't have in your partnership that that is also uh unhealthy in your mind?
01:11:49.279 --> 01:11:52.479
Yeah, I mean, like like I think David Dana mentions it in his book, right?
01:11:52.560 --> 01:12:03.439
If a man doesn't get that feminine aspect fulfilled by his partner, he's gonna drink alcohol and watch sport and like allow himself to indulge in other feminine things like watch corn and all of these things, right?
01:12:03.520 --> 01:12:10.880
There's there's outlets where you're gonna seek that feminine energy in your life if you're not allowing yourself to receive it fully through the woman that is in front of you right now.
01:12:11.199 --> 01:12:14.880
Same thing with with uh women in seeking the masculine, right?
01:12:14.960 --> 01:12:25.439
So it's yeah, I think it is reflections of just these desires for feminine and masculine energy that we all have as in our biology.
01:12:25.600 --> 01:12:28.640
Um get going.
01:12:29.359 --> 01:12:36.880
How do we reconcile the idea of not being able to be everything for our partner, but also what you're talking about?
01:12:37.359 --> 01:12:38.000
Yeah.
01:12:39.039 --> 01:12:58.079
Well, realizing like when you have that perspective of who you are and realize that the true I am above all of the identities that we place on ourselves and the physical desires that we think we need, when you recognize underneath all of it who you are as someone who's always provided for, always has enough, and you can continuously keep resting back to that place.
01:12:58.239 --> 01:13:01.279
That goes back to the difference between when there's an impulse and a desire.
01:13:01.439 --> 01:13:10.800
Because so many people are letting impulses run them that then turn into unhealthy outlets of seeking, I need this distraction, this feminine thing, like let me pull out that and this.
01:13:10.960 --> 01:13:20.720
But when you tune into that and rest and let yourself move beyond the impulses and you connect deeper with your desires, then you can align on like, is this something that I can discuss with my partner?
01:13:20.800 --> 01:13:24.159
Is this an authentic desire I want to bring up around my significant other?
01:13:24.239 --> 01:13:30.479
Because maybe they can meet me here where we're at, or is this a desire I need to explore on my own outside of the relationship?
01:13:30.640 --> 01:13:38.319
Uh, that's the the nuance, is like having the space in your life to be able to listen and tune into where's God moving me?
01:13:38.640 --> 01:13:40.079
What do I need to experience right now?
01:13:40.560 --> 01:13:46.880
When you talk about bringing to your partner, it it uh takes on something completely different in my brain uh that I wanted to ask you about.
01:13:47.520 --> 01:14:23.039
There's a balance that I see in a relationship where you don't want to make your partner your therapist, you don't want to bring to her saying, like, I don't know what I'm doing with my my day, I feel aimless, I feel you know, like this all this, all the kind of unworked through stuff you have in your heart in your life, because in my mind it kills the romantic dance you guys do together where you guys are lovers and partners, but then also to co-regulate requires vulnerability and requires to open up and to be seen in your pain.
01:14:23.279 --> 01:14:26.319
How do you talk to and teach guys to navigate this?
01:14:27.840 --> 01:14:32.079
Yeah, well, you you need to have an outlet, number one.
01:14:32.159 --> 01:14:33.600
That's not just your relationship.
01:14:33.760 --> 01:14:40.960
Like a man needs an outlet outside of his relationship, a woman needs an outlet outside of the relationship, otherwise, then again, you're just you're just processing with each other.
01:14:41.119 --> 01:14:43.119
That's not a good space, space to be.
01:14:43.279 --> 01:14:51.439
But then obviously, there's times where you get to discuss with each other what's what's coming up throughout the interactions, what you're learning through each other.
01:14:51.600 --> 01:15:03.520
Like and sometimes a man, I don't really fall under the category of believing a man should process emotional charge around his partner or expect his partner to hold a space for him.
01:15:03.840 --> 01:15:14.239
He goes processes that outside of the relationship, and now he can be that solid rock or that solid space for his woman to maybe process some emotional charge around him because he's available for him.
01:15:14.560 --> 01:15:18.000
Um, that would be the difference, yeah, yeah.
01:15:18.079 --> 01:15:23.199
Uh, because it's a mat it's more of a masculine position to be in when you're holding space for someone.
01:15:23.439 --> 01:15:32.079
You're in, you're you're you've got the masculine frame of the relationship, and this person's in their emotions and like feeling all these things, like you're the one going, Hey, I got you.
01:15:32.159 --> 01:15:33.439
We're in this together, I got you.
01:15:33.520 --> 01:15:44.159
Um and in a means of maintaining a masculine and feminine polarity relationship, you're saying this is a you have the needs to express and process and have your emotions be felt and seen and and like metabolized.
01:15:44.319 --> 01:15:51.039
However, in order to maintain this polarity in this relationship, maybe do that elsewhere in the outlet, so then come back and play your masculine role.
01:15:51.279 --> 01:15:52.640
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
01:15:52.880 --> 01:15:53.439
Exactly.
01:15:53.680 --> 01:15:54.319
Yeah.
01:15:54.640 --> 01:16:02.399
And if the woman is always processing emotional charge around her man, and then the man's realizing, fuck, I don't have the uh capacity for this right now.
01:16:02.479 --> 01:16:04.640
Like we're saying before, he's like hitting his limit.
01:16:04.720 --> 01:16:18.560
That's when he gets to go, hey babe, like maybe this is something for your therapist right now because you keep bringing this up around me and I want to be here supporting you, but I only have a certain amount of bandwidth each day that I can give, and I'm starting to hit it right now, right?
01:16:18.640 --> 01:16:22.239
And and that's when the man gets to go, is she making my life easier or harder right now?
01:16:22.319 --> 01:16:27.760
And she's always coming to me with problems and this and this happened with Jenny today, and then she really pissed me off.
01:16:27.920 --> 01:16:30.720
Now you're like, like, this is exhausting.
01:16:30.800 --> 01:16:34.720
I've just spent a whole day in the business trying to like fucking, you know, show up for clients and whatnot.
01:16:34.880 --> 01:16:37.279
And now I gotta I gotta show up for you every single day.
01:16:37.520 --> 01:16:50.640
That's where for the ladies, that's like, no, no, no, you you you want to make a man's life easier, so make sure you also have an outlet to process your shit so that you can also show up for your man and be the one that like lifts his day when he's had it had a tough one.
01:16:50.800 --> 01:17:15.039
So it's it's that it seems like there's a um there's a theme here of honoring the space you guys are creating together that you don't just bring your shit and expect it to be processed together, but you do maybe like intentionally reveal and share your pain, what you're working on, what you're going through, so that you feel connected, but not necessarily like looking to the person to process it with you.
01:17:16.159 --> 01:17:16.800
Yeah, exactly.
01:17:16.960 --> 01:17:17.279
Exactly.
01:17:17.439 --> 01:17:27.520
Yeah, you're on the same team, you're on this they're on the same team to help each other move through whatever you is going on, but you still want to make sure you have support that isn't just your partner.
01:17:28.880 --> 01:17:30.239
It goes without saying, you know.
01:17:30.720 --> 01:17:32.239
Yeah, one of the last questions I asked you.
01:17:32.319 --> 01:17:40.079
You mentioned uh David data saying that when a man doesn't feel fulfilled, he goes to alcohol, drugs, pornography, those types of things.
01:17:40.479 --> 01:17:46.000
What's your read on pornography with the way it affects relationships uh with the men you work with?
01:17:48.960 --> 01:17:50.560
It desensitizes a man.
01:17:50.640 --> 01:17:51.920
That's the main thing it does.
01:17:52.319 --> 01:17:53.920
It desensitizes him.
01:17:54.319 --> 01:17:59.279
And one of the main priorities a man should have is to be more sensitive in his life.
01:17:59.439 --> 01:18:03.199
Because when you're more sensitive, like you said, you can notice when a cloud is passing.
01:18:03.279 --> 01:18:05.520
And when I say a cloud, and it could be an emotion.
01:18:05.760 --> 01:18:09.520
Emotion is passing, emotion is coming up, a cloud is coming up for me, and I'm sensitive to these clouds.
01:18:09.600 --> 01:18:16.640
So I'm like, oh, there's some anxiety here, oh, there's some fear, there's some doubt, there's there's some overwhelm, there's some anger in me right now.
01:18:16.720 --> 01:18:17.520
I'm sensitive to that.
01:18:17.600 --> 01:18:22.319
So then let me allow myself to have that space to allow this cloud to pass.
01:18:22.479 --> 01:18:27.600
And by doing that, you can then become sensitive to other people's emotions, other people's experiences.
01:18:27.680 --> 01:18:31.840
And when you're energetically sensitive, then you're more attuned to the people around you.
01:18:32.079 --> 01:18:49.439
But when you watch porn and you ejaculate frequently, you're allowing yourself to go into visual stimulation, dopamine, and you're just like constantly in fantasy or in that world, then you're like you're cutting yourself off from feeling deeply because porn for most people is an escape.
01:18:49.520 --> 01:18:50.560
It's a numb.
01:18:50.640 --> 01:18:55.359
They want to numb themselves from the uncomfortability that's in their bodies that they don't want to look at.
01:18:55.680 --> 01:18:59.279
So porn is like fucking social media on steroids.
01:18:59.359 --> 01:19:02.880
It's like because you're having this it release in your body as well.
01:19:02.960 --> 01:19:12.720
That's just on the other side of it, you just kind of feel tired and exhausted and like you just dumped all your life force, and you're not gonna be a very good leader on the other side of just like jacking off some porn.
01:19:12.960 --> 01:19:15.840
You ain't gonna be making some powerful decisions or powerful moves in your life.
01:19:15.920 --> 01:19:16.960
I can guarantee that.
01:19:17.279 --> 01:19:33.039
Do you see do you see sexual energy in the like kind of the Taoist um qigong sense that um ejaculation is not necessarily um always to be chosen, instead it cultivate and circulate the sexual energy and just leave it be?
01:19:33.760 --> 01:19:40.800
Yeah, I think there's a like a timeline, you know, in one to two weeks, like I find is good for retaining.
01:19:40.960 --> 01:19:43.680
I find like energetically it feels really good after a couple of weeks.
01:19:43.840 --> 01:19:46.159
A play was like way longer than that as well.
01:19:46.399 --> 01:20:01.760
It just really depends on also knowing your body, knowing like, okay, maybe ejaculating every time you have sex is not supporting the energetic demands that you have in your life, but maybe ejaculating once a week is something that like refuels you and replenishes you, and that feels really good.
01:20:01.840 --> 01:20:09.600
So it's like really honoring like what you want as an individual and what your body needs, and that and those uh nuances I think are important.
01:20:09.680 --> 01:20:25.600
It's hard to give like a blanket statement as like how long one should retain, but I definitely have found for me there's a benefit to uh allowing that sexual energy to circulate in its own way and learning to build it up and be okay with more of that like sexual energy being in my body.
01:20:25.680 --> 01:20:30.159
I've learned a lot through um noticing that and allowing that.
01:20:30.479 --> 01:20:31.840
Yeah, 100%, man.
01:20:32.159 --> 01:20:40.399
Um last little question: who are the people you look up to in the space you're in with men's work and the intentional, relational stuff and emotional intelligence?
01:20:42.319 --> 01:20:54.800
Um I've had a few like mentors over the years, like uh Chris Bay was a good friend of mine, and we've we've done a lot of work together over the years, and he's someone I hang out with when when we're in the same city, so he's been a big inspiration for me.
01:20:55.119 --> 01:20:56.720
Does he ever talk faster?
01:20:57.520 --> 01:21:02.479
No, no, he doesn't it's it's great, it's great.
01:21:02.560 --> 01:21:02.960
I love it.
01:21:03.039 --> 01:21:03.920
He's just really slow.
01:21:04.640 --> 01:21:05.199
It's awesome.
01:21:06.000 --> 01:21:12.000
Uh and uh yeah, in the relational space, GS Youngblood's book was such a big impact for me.
01:21:12.079 --> 01:21:18.319
So I I really owe a debt of gratitude to him for that knowledge that he passed on uh uh through that book.
01:21:18.560 --> 01:21:29.680
Um and then uh outside of that, I'm kind of like learning to not let too much personal development come in my life at the moment.
01:21:29.760 --> 01:21:47.199
I'm going through a period where I'm like trying to synthesize my own perspective and the the the abundance of information that's out there that I find for me kind of like having time off social media and time off podcasts and YouTube is is really good for me to just like consolidate what I deeply want and my perspective in the world.
01:21:47.439 --> 01:21:57.039
So yeah, I kind of go through that every single week where I take 24 hours of technology and just kind of do nothing, allow myself to get bored and some great ideas come through during that time.
01:21:57.279 --> 01:22:02.000
So yeah, yeah, happy incubation period to you, brother.
01:22:02.079 --> 01:22:04.239
You're doing a really good job, and uh thanks, man.
01:22:04.479 --> 01:22:05.199
All the stuff you're sharing.
01:22:05.359 --> 01:22:15.680
I'm really grateful for this conversation today and just all the wonderful insights you're sharing with me through this and also with your with your work in the world and through like all the stuff you're putting on Instagram and the mental treats and everything.
01:22:15.760 --> 01:22:16.800
It's just really, really cool, bro.
01:22:16.880 --> 01:22:28.000
Uh, if somebody's listening to this and they're like uh Jordan's the fucking man, and I'd rather listen to him talk than Braxton, where do they need to go to find you, follow you, do stuff you do, and be a part of what you're teaching?
01:22:28.319 --> 01:22:29.520
Well, thanks for having me on, bro.
01:22:29.680 --> 01:22:32.720
It's uh good to go at it again, the second time around, and three years later.
01:22:32.880 --> 01:22:33.439
Like, let's see.
01:22:33.520 --> 01:22:36.800
Uh, hopefully it's not gonna take so long between uh we do.
01:22:37.279 --> 01:22:41.680
But uh I think uh yeah, Jordan Camlish 01 on Instagram.
01:22:41.840 --> 01:22:47.600
Uh I have a podcast as well and Spotify and YouTube, and that's it, man.
01:22:47.680 --> 01:22:48.640
Like doing retreats.
01:22:48.800 --> 01:22:51.439
I've got a retreat coming up in about a week or two.
01:22:51.600 --> 01:22:54.079
Uh it's about a week now in Ontario, Canada.
01:22:54.239 --> 01:22:55.840
Probably do another retreat in December.
01:22:55.920 --> 01:22:58.159
Like that that's the thing that really fulfills me the most.
01:22:58.239 --> 01:23:09.439
And then I do the online men's groups as well for the guys who want to have that consistency online and be in a container with other guys who are kind of doing this work and um being held accountable to this next level of leadership in their life.
01:23:09.600 --> 01:23:14.880
So yeah, mate, if they find me on Instagram, I'm sure they'll get some more details about all of those things.
01:23:14.960 --> 01:23:16.720
But yeah, man, I appreciate you a lot.
01:23:16.800 --> 01:23:19.520
It's been it's been great to dive into this conversation.
01:23:20.000 --> 01:23:20.720
Fantastic, man.
01:23:20.880 --> 01:23:21.119
Thank you.
01:23:21.840 --> 01:23:22.800
Thanks, bro.