SELLEST OSAST
Based on a post by Lingering Afterthought, in 4 parts. Listen to the Podcast at My First Time.
By the time Halloween rolled around, I was in a better mood. I'd gotten a job at the Admissions Department, which was just a five-minute walk from the Student's Cooperative where I'd found a room for less than half of what I was paying for the dorm overflow apartment. As Suki described it before she passed on applying for a vacancy, it was "like a bunch of goddamn hippies took over a frat house!" I didn't mind it so much. People were nice there and it felt more like a home than an apartment or dorm complex did. Even better, the house had a massive kitchen.
Surprising everyone who knew him, Kurt actually got his shit together. He got a job as a waiter at a local French Bistro, which was perfect because chatting up customers was effortless for him, and as long as he delivered the right food, people loved him. He also got a phone and enrolled in extension courses with a Fine Arts major. At the end of the November, he was going to start renting a room at the same Co-Op where I lived.
Quite by accident, I'd also gotten a second job. With the low rent at the Co-Op, I didn't really need it, but still; I loved it.
Despite my tirade and vows of celibacy, I began visiting the fraternity periodically to see my boyfriend; which everyone assumed was Paul. Under Tyrant Tim's watchful eye, the guys of the house always behaved respectfully, though with a few pitying looks because they knew that Paul was quite unfaithful to me and had a steady stream of different girls going and coming (loudly) in his room. Kurt still dwelled like a goblin in Paul's closet, but thanks to a rope ladder, he was able to come and go more easily -- usually to come guilt-trip me about making him wait to have sex with me again until he wasn't living on an air mattress in a frat house closet. It was because of these fraternity trips that I fell backwards into a job I loved.
I was such a good girlfriend to Paul that I would bring over extra meals for him, in case he didn't like what was being served on the house meal plan that week. Conveniently enough, they were also things Paul could microwave and bring upstairs to Kurt to eat in the room. During the trip up the stairs, the smell of these meals wafted through the entire house, and then the guys would go downstairs for dinner and find out, much to their disappointment, that they didn't get to eat what they had smelled all the way down. The week I brought over a container of sausage-stuffed ravioli with a spinach-alfredo sauce and toasted pine nuts scattered on top, I received an email the next day:
From: timbradbury@UMN.EDU
To: melaniepalmberg@UMN.EDU
Subject: Invoice Request.
Dear Ms. Palmberg,
The container of sausage ravioli you stored in our refrigerator for Paul's use this week was appropriated and consumed by the Sigma Phi Epsilon house members in a dishonorable act of insurrection. As Chapter President, you have my most profound apologies for this abominable behavior. Please kindly provide an itemized invoice for your costs and services and I will ensure that Sigma Phi Epsilon compensates you accordingly.
Yours truly,
Timothy Bradbury.
Chapter President, Sigma Phi Epsilon, University of Minnesota
I snorted and rolled my eyes. Chapter President Tim was about the only person who would call a bunch of guys eating someone's lunch a "dishonorable act of insurrection." While it was flattering and annoying that I'd have to get another batch of stuff ready for Kurt to eat that week, it wouldn't be that hard to whip something up. I just didn't want him living off junk food or whatever he could sneak at work.
I brought over a quick batch of stroganoff with leeks and shiitake mushrooms over egg noodles to the SigEp house. Tim opened the door before I rang the bell, looking down his nose into my dish of stroganoff. "I don't eat mushrooms," he said.
"Good thing you're not an insurrectionist, then. You don't have to eat it."
Tim raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms across his chest. "Paul doesn't eat them, either," he said pointedly.
Blithely ignoring him, I marched into the house and went down the stairs to the kitchen, sliding the dish into the usual spot in the refrigerator. As I closed the door to the fridge, I backed into Tim's solid frame. I wondered if he was trying to prove something after I had body-checked him earlier. Not letting my amusement show, I turned and looked up at him in surprise. "Do you have an itemized invoice for me?" he asked.
"What? Oh, no; no big deal. It's just some ravioli. Guys get hungry," I said, walking around him and washing the empty dish that had once held the pillaged ravioli.
"Yes, they do. Our current vendor provides meals that cause many of the members to prefer hunger. If your dishes were more wholesome, I'd consider engaging your services to provide the house meals on a more lawful basis," he said dryly, taking the clean dish from me and wiping it with a towel nearby.
"Wholesome? Like what?"
Tim looked at me as if sizing me up, and then gave me an order for two dinners in the next week for all 20 guys. They had to be nutritionally balanced, accommodate the allergies he sent me on a list, be hot and ready at their dinner time, and there could be only few leftovers. Oh -- and I had to stay within the budget Tim gave me and give him an itemized invoice when it was all done.
The cooking part was easy. I'd been feeding large groups of people ever since I was in middle school -- potluck dinners at the local churches were a major draw where I grew up. The dinners came and went precisely on time and I took home empty dishes each night, along with a list of things the guys asked me to make for them in the future. What's more, I easily came in far under the budgets I was given. The only thing was, predictably, Chapter President Tim was a major ball buster about the invoices.
From: timbradbury@ UMN.EDU
To: melaniepalmberg@ UMN.EDU
Subject: Invoice Request.
Dear Ms. Palmberg,
Your most recent submission for the Pad Mee Kow was a most delightful piece of literary non-fiction. It was not, however, an itemized invoice. Please see me at your earliest convenience.
Yours truly,
Timothy Bradbury. Chapter President, Sigma Phi Epsilon, University of Minnesota
Wondering what kind of college guy used a business signature on his emails, I trudged over there to get my money. Tim answered the door in an almost chipper mood. "Ah, Welcome to Sigma Phi Epsilon. I am Tim Bradbury, Chapter President. Whom have you come to see? Your; boyfriend?" he asked wearing his version of a smirk. I was beginning to suspect Tim and his wall-sharing bedroom knew the truth about my relationship with Paul.
"No, I want my money, Pad Mee Now," I said, rolling my eyes at him.
"I, somehow, have trouble believing that. If you really wanted the money, I would think you would have submitted an itemized invoice by now," he said with an imperious raised eyebrow. Then, he turned and walked into the living room, leading me to his study sofa where he had half a dozen documents spread out on the coffee table that looked like they would probably annoy me. I was right. "This," he said, picking up one of the documents and handing it to me "is an itemized invoice. Note, how it lists individually the costs and amounts of the items being charged for therein?"
"What?" I said, scanning the anal-retentive document, "You want me to tell you how many cans of tomatoes, how many cloves of garlic and; "
"Yes; at first. Once I am confident you are maintaining an appropriate knowledge of your inventory and costs, I will rely on your representations of the food costs in one item. Also, your submission to me included neither your non-food costs such as your omnipresent Ziplock containers, nor your travel and labor fees. You cannot expect to run a business without paying yourself."
I groaned and buried my face in my hands. "I; I am not running a business! I'm just feeding some guys, Tim! Why do I have to do all this stuff?" I asked through my fingers.
"Because, your customer has requested that you provide him with an itemized invoice prior to payment," he said, smiling proudly at the documents spread in front of him like they were his children. "Here is a table that shows how you should decide on how much to pay yourself; and here is a primer on the amortization of your business capital investments; and ah; let's see; taxes;" he murmured, looking up at me and then his eyes widened at my apparently murderous expression. "Perhaps, we'll do taxes later;" he said, actually grinning now.
"Tim;" I moaned, slumping back into the sofa.
Tim spoke loftily to the documents as he tidied them before placing them into a crisp manila folder labeled with my name, "Whether you realize it or not, you are running a business. These are things you will need to learn, in order to run it successfully," he said, handing me the folder.
I took it, wondering what in the hell I had gotten myself into. "Why are you doing this?" I asked him, dumbfounded. Most of the things he was telling me about would only raise the price on the meals I provided to the house. Money-wise, it made no sense.
He paused for a moment, then spoke softly to the notes he was arranging on the coffee table as he put them away, "It is what I can do; and it is the right thing to do," he said, then turned his head to look at me, "and at any rate, the last time you were not properly taken care of, I was surprised to find myself briefly airborne before hitting a wall. I thought this option would better preserve the fraternity's historically significant building." He looked at me for a few seconds, nodded once, then turned back to the table and opened his textbook, "Please get your revised invoice to me within the week," he said.
Feeling dismissed, I shrugged, shook my head, took my manila folder and left. Tim was an odd duck, no doubt, and he had just given me a hell of a lot of crappy paperwork to do. Still, as I walked back to the Co-Op, I couldn't really put a finger on how I was feeling; but I liked it.
"I need you to help me with my homework," Kurt appeared behind me from out of nowhere as I was hovering over a pot of minestrone. His hand rubbed the knotted muscles in the center of my back, and I found myself pressing back against him, melting.
"Which class?" I asked suspiciously, having fallen for this particular trick of Kurt's before.
"It's like you don't even trust me at all," he said, a smile in his voice. "Drawing, of course."
"Okay; but I get to see it when you're done; I don't want anything recognizable of mine to show up on display in the student union."
"Oh, ye of little faith;" he said, pulling me away from the stove after I turned the heat down and put a lid on the pot. "I thought we'd go for a change of scenery, this time," he said, pulling me away from the stairs where I was going up towards my room where I had modeled for him before. He led me to a door to a room I'd never seen anyone use. Opening it, a dusty dark space filled with large industrial-looking equipment was revealed with a familiar air mattress laid out on the floor. "I wanted something a little more moody this time. Your room is so; well; you," he said, smiling as he bent down to nuzzle my neck.
I sneezed. Then I looked up at him to see if he was joking. Yeah, no, he wasn't. I sighed and began taking off my clothes. At least, the room was warm, I thought, as I padded naked to the air mattress. "How do you want me?" I whispered, wondering if we could be overheard from the hall outside.
"On your stomach, calves bent up at the knees, ankles crossed, up on your elbows and looking over your shoulder at me," he said, his eyes greedily taking me in. Choosing a place to sketch from, he paused to move some of my long blonde hair to my back, trailing his hand down to caress my bottom. "Perfect," he whispered, beginning to sketch quickly.
I loved it when he sketched me. His eyes moved over me, full of warmth and ideas fueled by the enjoyment of what he saw. "So; are you making bread for them, too? These other men of yours?" he asked in mock jealously, his eyes twinkling.
"Well yeah, I have to. Minestrone isn't filling enough without it, and bread is cheap. Besides, there's trouble when I try to make it heartier with extra beans;" I said, shaking my head remembering Tim's raised eyebrow when we heard an "ungentlemanly" contest erupt in the TV room upstairs, as he helped me dry the dishes for the baked beans and sausages that I'd brought.
"Don't move," he said, putting my hair back where he had placed it before. "That's not all they talk about, you know," he said, tilting his head and letting his eyes roam down my back, settling on my bottom. A flush of warmth went through me. "They seem to think you deserve better;" he said.
"Better than Paul?" I asked, squeezing my thighs together surreptitiously, trying to relieve the need I felt building inside me. "Well, fortunately, I agree with them," I said, giggling.
With a growl, Kurt closed his sketchpad and lay down beside me on his back, "You belong on a chaise lounge in the Palace of Versailles and without a word of complaint, you pose for me in a boiler room; you're beyond worth. You deserve a king," he said, smiling up at me.
"And fortunately, my king; I agree with you, too " I whispered, leaning down to kiss him, running my fingers through his soft hair. I shivered, feeling his hands run lightly up my sides, coming to rest on my tits. I felt his mouth begin sucking on my hard nipple and I moaned, my head dropping back onto my shoulders. Before long, I was panting, squirming for relief from the throbbing heat building inside me. "Kurt; did you get the; the non-latex, you know; condoms?" I breathed, deciding that our mutual punishment had gone on long enough.
Kurt released my nipple with a pop and groaned, "No, fuck; I forgot. I've been too busy thinking about making love to you again. The student union only has the latex kind. I've got an idea, though. Lie on your back," he said, bounding up, eyes alight with inspiration again. Obeying, I turned onto my back, but instead of taking off his clothes or going down between my knees, he stood there looking at me. "Okay; left hand by your head, loosely near your eyes; just like that," he said positioning my arm.
I whimpered, getting myself ready for another torture session of seeing his eyes devouring me without actually making me come. Much to my relief and chagrin, I was wrong. "Now the other;" he said, as he separated my knees, and then placed my other hand between my legs. Then, he picked up his sketchpad again and looked up at me expectantly.
"You want me to;" I squeaked, turning bright red.
"Well, I know that you know how; I taught you," he said, eyes eager, grinning wickedly.
"Yeah, but; it was dark; and you were behind me; you weren't watching; and; "
"Oh, I was watching," he assured me, "I had it on a loop replay in my head all night. I could draw how you looked that night perfectly from memory, right now;"
I squeezed my eyes shut and groaned. Peeking out of one eye and seeing him still watching me like a dog waiting for a treat, I closed it again and began to move my fingers around my clit. Though I was aroused, painfully so, I just couldn't get my head into what I was doing enough to bring myself anywhere close to a peak. "Kurt, it's just not working; " I said, opening my eyes to see him staring at me transfixed with his mouth slightly open," I whispered, feeling a hook catch somewhere inside me, sending me speeding toward my peak. It was him. I needed to see him, how I affected him, how much he wanted me. It was what drove me, what pulled me. I could have been across a crowded auditorium and seeing his unabashed look of pure lust for me would have dragged me fully clothed toward an impossible orgasm.
"Kurt!" I gasped, my back arching against my will and I began panting, frantically driving myself towards release.
"Stop!" he said, standing suddenly. I obeyed without thinking, without wanting to, squeezing my thighs together and keening in desperate disappointment. He walked over and his long legs straddled mine, still standing. Opening his pants and taking his erection out, he began stroking it over me. "Start again; slowly," he said, running his hand back and forth, caressing himself.
Jumping at the first contact of my fingers, I began rubbing around my clit again, almost crying in relief. "Slide two of them inside yourself, now. Show me how wet you are," he ordered, his voice now commanding in his need. Dipping deeply with a breathy moan, I pulled out and wiggled my slippery fingers at him. I loved having him tell me what to do. I loved waiting for his directions, watching his organ grow larger and more turgid.
"Now, put them inside yourself again; no, not there;" he said, his voice curling with excitement as I began to slide them back inside my dripping pussy. I blinked. "You know where I want them; show me, just go slowly and relax. You'll be okay," he said, rubbing himself faster, breathing harder.
I closed my eyes and reached lower, pressing my slippery fingers against my anus. When Kurt had done this to me before, I'd been frightened and tense. It hurt worse than anything I'd ever known I could feel; until I relaxed and pushed against him. Making myself relax, I pushed my fingers inside a little. My eyes opened at the flash of pain, making me bite my lips to stay silent. Tears welled in my eyes, but I kept the fingers inside. "Use your other hand on your clit; keep going; God, you're so beautiful;" he panted.
Pushing against my fingers, I felt myself open wider and I pushed deeper crying out in surprise at the sensation. Kurt moaned, his eyes fixed on what I was doing. Remembering my clit, I was surprised to find how close I was and felt the sensations I was giving myself mix together and become an overwhelming force. I began stroking my fingers in and out of my ass and the raw feeling drove me over the edge and I arched under him, crying out. As my body clenched and trembled, I felt warm spurts of Kurt's semen fall first on my tummy, then my neck and tits, finally in a burst onto my upper thighs and pubic hair.
Kurt stood over me shaking, still holding himself, and leaning against the wall with the other hand. His eyes roamed over me in abject adoration. "Now, don't move;" he breathed, tucking himself back in and sitting down again with his sketchbook.
I lay there spent on the boiler room floor, languishing in the swirling delight of my orgasm, my face surely the picture of satisfaction and contentment as his pencil flew over page after page of his sketchbook until I protested that I had to put the bread in to bake for that night's fraternity dinner. He sighed reluctantly and threw my clothes to me, still watching and sketching as I dressed.
When I finished dressing, he put his arms around me and kissed me, smiling as he did. As I looked into his face, wondering about his smile, I felt him begin silently laughing. On a hunch, I grabbed his sketchbook to make sure I would be able to show my face at the student union in the future, paging through what he had been working on. As always, his sketches were beautiful, practically alive. They virtually leapt off the page, making you forget that they were only pencil drawings. I was, again, amazed at his talent. Kurt was softly laughing out loud, now, watching my reaction with immense enjoyment.
I sighed, shaking my head, still staring at his artwork. "Kurt. You fucker. These are all landscapes," I said, my lips pressed tightly together in the vain hope that I could keep myself from laughing.
"Well, yes; but you really helped!" he insisted, wiping the tears of hilarity onto his sleeve. "Yes?"
"I didn't say anything;" I said, quickly. In truth, I had been practicing how to get through the coming conversation with Tim, but no actual words had come out of my mouth.
"You were hovering. You typically do not hover unless you want to ask for something you think I will decline," he said, turning a page in his textbook.
"Oh, well, I took care of that problem. I just do it anyway and then charge it as something healthy on my invoice," I said, flumping down into a nearby sofa.
Tim looked over and raised an eyebrow at me as I smirked. "Thank you for admitting to your petty fraud. Is that why I am paying for so many "lentils" on your invoices?"
"What? No! Those are legit. I should actually charge more than I do for lentils, since they get cooked twice," I said. "I boil them and then spread out the meat in things with ground beef and stuff like that. You cook it right and they just disappear into the other flavors. Makes it seem
