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Speaker 1: Life Audio.
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Speaker 2: Have you ever found yourself asking, God, what happened? Not because you've stopped believing, not because you've lost your faith, but because life unfolded so differently than you expected that you're still trying to make sense of it. Perhaps you prayed faithfully for healing, but the diagnosis remained. Perhaps you believed a relationship would last to only to watch it fall apart. Perhaps you work diligently toward a goal, only to have the opportunity slip through your fingers. Maybe you carried a dream for years, something you genuinely believed God had placed on your heart, and yet that dream never materialized. One of the hardest realities of life is that sometimes our greatest pain comes not from what happened, But from what didn't happen, disappointment has a unique kind of grief attached to it. It's the grief of unmet expectations. It's the grief of unanswered questions. It's the grief of looking at your life and realizing it doesn't resemble the picture you once carried in your heart. What many people don't realize is that disappointment affects far more than our emotions. It affects our thinking. It affects our stress levels. It affects our motivation and our relationships. It affects our faith, and it even affects our brains. So in honor of the National Day of Encouragement, today we're talking about what happens when expectations are shattered, why disappointment can become so emotionally heavy, and how we can move forward without becoming stuck in discouragement or cynicism. If you've wrestled with a dream that didn't happen, a prayer that seemed unanswered, or a season that didn't unfold the way you hoped, this conversation is for you. Welcome to your Hope-Filled Perspective, where it's always our goal to restore hope, renew minds, and empower listeners and viewers to live in your God-given identity. We offer biblical encouragement, practical tools, and mental health insights to help you renew your mind and discover hope in every season. I'm your host, Dr. Michelle Bankson, board-certified clinical neuropsychologist, author, and companion on the journey of faith, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness.
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Speaker 3: And I'm your co-host, Jessica VanRoekel. We are so glad you've joined us today. Michelle, I think today's topic touches every single listener because disappointment is one of those universal human experiences. We may experience different disappointments, but every one of us knows what it feels like to hope for something and then watch that hope collide with reality.
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Speaker 2: No, that's exactly right. I don't know anyone who has lived long enough to avoid disappointment. It's part of living in a broken world. And what I've noticed both professionally and personally is that disappointment often goes unrecognized. People come to me talking about anxiety, discouragement, sadness, irritability, emotional exhaustion, or even hopelessness. Yet when we begin exploring what's underneath those emotions, we often discover disappointment sitting quietly at the root. They're disappointed in how a relationship turned out. They're disappointed in their circumstances. They're disappointed in themselves. And sometimes they're even disappointed with God. Although they may not feel comfortable saying that out loud.
00:03:33
Speaker 3: I heard myself in everything that you just said. And I think many Christians especially struggle to admit disappointment because they fear it somehow reflects poorly on their faith. There's almost like this internal pressure that says, well, if I trusted God enough, I wouldn't feel disappointed.
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Speaker 2: And yet we know that's simply not true. Disappointment isn't evidence of weak faith. It's evidence that you're human. And the Bible is filled with faithful people who experience disappointment. And what I appreciate is that Scripture doesn't hide their struggles. In fact, God preserved their stories precisely because... Well, frankly, he knew we'd need them. When we read about Sarah waiting decades for a child or Joseph spending years in prison after receiving God's promises or David hiding in caves after being anointed king or Martha and Mary grieving because Jesus didn't arrive when they thought he should, we're actually seeing real people wrestling with real disappointment. And God never condemned them for their pain. Instead, he met them in it.
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Speaker 3: Oh, I'm so glad he kept those stories sacred for us today. Michelle, let's start with a question I think many listeners are asking. Why does disappointment hurt so much? Because frankly, on the surface, it sounds relatively minor compared to other forms of suffering.
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Speaker 2: That's a great question. I think one reason disappointment hurts so deeply is because It almost always involves loss of some kind. The challenge is that we're often grieving something intangible. When someone dies, we recognize the loss immediately. When a relationship ends, we recognize the loss. When a job disappears, we recognize that loss. But disappointment often involves grieving something. an anticipated future. We're grieving what we thought would happen. We're grieving what we expected. We're grieving the story we imagined. And because the future never actually existed in tangible form, people often don't realize they're grieving. Yet grief is exactly what's taking place.
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Speaker 3: Such an important distinction you pointed out. I know that I've experienced seasons where I wasn't grieving a person or an event. I was actually grieving an expectation. I was grieving the life I thought I'd have. And that grief felt confusing because there was nothing visible to point to.
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Speaker 2: Oh, exactly. And that's one reason disappointment can linger for years. People don't, by and large, give themselves permission to grieve it. They tell themselves, I shouldn't feel this way. It wasn't that big of a deal. Look at all the blessings I do have. Or other people have it worse. But minimizing pain doesn't heal pain. It simply buries it. And buried disappointment has a way of resurfacing later. Sometimes it resurfaces, like we're talking about today, as discouragement. And sometimes as resentment. Sometimes it resurfaces as anxiety or emotional numbness. But it rarely disappears on its own. So let's talk about what happens in the brain when expectations are shattered, because I think understanding the neuroscience helps us stop judging ourselves for our reactions. One of the primary functions of the brain is prediction. Our brains are constantly trying to anticipate what will come next. So every experience, every memory, every pattern we've observed helps the brain create expectations about the future. This process is actually designed to help us survive. The brain loves predictability because predictability can create a sense of safety. And when things happen as expected, the brain feels safe and stable. But when reality dramatically differs from what we expected, the brain experiences disruption. Researchers sometimes refer to this as prediction error. The brain essentially says, wait a minute, that wasn't supposed to happen. And the larger the gap between expectation and reality, the more emotionally significant that disruption becomes.
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Speaker 3: Which really explains then why disappointment can feel so destabilizing.
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Speaker 4: Exactly.
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Speaker 2: Yes. Many people assume they're overreacting when they're disappointed. But neurologically, disappointment requires the brain to recognize and reorganize its understanding of reality. So think about someone who expected to remain married for life. or someone who expected their child to follow the Lord, or someone who expected retirement to look a certain way. Their brains weren't simply anticipating those outcomes. They were actively building future plans around those outcomes. And when those expectations collapse, the brain has to revise the entire picture. And that's mentally exhausting. It's emotionally exhausting. And often then it activates the brain's stress response system. One of the reasons disappointment affects mental health so significantly is because the brain often interprets major disappointment as a form of threat. Now, we're not talking about physical danger. We're talking about emotional threat. The brain's alarm system doesn't always distinguish between physical and emotional pain as clearly as we might think. Research has shown that emotional pain activates many of the same neural pathways involved in physical pain. And that's one reason why disappointment can literally hurt. Many people say things like, my heart aches or I feel crushed or I feel broken. And those descriptions aren't merely poetic. They're describing genuine emotional distress that the brain is processing very seriously. When disappointment happens, isn't significant enough, stress hormones increase, sleep is disrupted, concentration becomes more difficult, motivation decreases, and people may become more emotionally reactive. All of those responses are normal because they're signs that the brain is trying to adjust to a reality it wasn't expecting.
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Speaker 3: Michelle, why do some disappointments seem to fade relatively quickly while others stay with us for years?
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Speaker 2: Because some disappointments touch our identity. That's where disappointment becomes particularly painful. If I expect a package to arrive and it's delayed, I'm disappointed. I'm used to my Amazon two-day prime delivery, sometimes overnight, right? So when it's not there... I'm disappointed because I was expecting it. But if I expect my marriage to thrive, my ministry to flourish, my child to recover, or my calling to unfold in a certain way, those disappointments strike much deeper because they're connected to my sense of purpose, meaning, identity, and belonging. Hmm. The more personally significant the expectation, the more profound the disappointment tends to be. And if we're not careful, we begin drawing conclusions about ourselves based on those disappointments. So we start asking questions like, what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Why did God allow this? And even more significant, can I trust him?
00:11:35
Speaker 3: I think I've said every single one of those questions before. Me too. And what I'm hearing from you, though, is that those questions aren't merely emotional questions. Those are identity questions. They're spiritual questions, and they require careful attention.
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Speaker 2: One thing I love about scripture, and I suspect this is true of you too, Jessica, is that it refuses to sanitize human emotion. You know, we often celebrate the victories of biblical figures while forgetting the disappointments. they also endured, right? Consider Joseph. We know the ending of the story. We know he becomes second in command over Egypt. We know God redeems his suffering. Yay. But Joseph didn't know any of that while sitting in prison. Imagine the disappointment. He had received dreams from God, yet everything happening around him seemed to contradict those dreams.
00:12:39
Speaker 3: So true.
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Speaker 2: I suspect many listeners can relate to that feeling. I know I can. They probably sense God leading them. They believe God was working. And yet their circumstances seem to tell a completely different story. And sometimes that story seems to last a really long time.
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Speaker 3: I agree with you 100%. We do have the benefit of knowing the end of the story. And people like Joseph, I sometimes want to know the end of my story.
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Speaker 2: Me too.
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Speaker 3: God is like, let's just consider David today.
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Speaker 2: You know, we.
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Speaker 3: Read about David quickly.
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Speaker 1: We go through that.
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Speaker 3: We can read his whole life in two or three chapters, 30 minutes. We've read through his life of decades and yet years passed between his anointing and his coronation. Years of hiding, living in caves, smelly with other outlaws and outcasts. He had years of uncertainty, years of wondering, did that really happen? Is this going to come true? Where are you, God? That type of a thing, I imagine, must have gone through his mind.
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Speaker 2: And I think when we're in a place of disappointment, I'm going through my own sense of disappointment right now. And when we're there, We want that season of disappointment to end in the same two or three chapters in the same 30 minutes. Yeah. And perhaps one of the most powerful examples is found in Martha and Mary. And I can relate to this. They sent word to Jesus that Lazarus was sick and Lazarus was a friend of Jesus. But from the perspective of Martha and Mary, Jesus delayed. Imagine what they must have been thinking. Surely he would come. Surely he would heal. Surely he wouldn't let his friend and our brother Lazarus die. And yet Lazarus died. Their expectations were shattered. And when Jesus finally arrived, Martha's first words reveal her disappointment. Lord, if you had been there, my brother would not have died. That's disappointment. That's grief. That's confusion. And I'm grateful that Jesus didn't rebuke her. He met her in her sorrow. He listened. He comforted. And then he revealed a larger story that she couldn't yet see. And for me, that's an important reminder. And I hope it is for our listeners and viewers as well. Sometimes we're living in the middle of a story whose ending we can't yet see.
00:15:31
Speaker 3: I think if we were to ask everyone out there to raise their hands, if they're living in part of a story that has disappointment in it, I'm going to assume that everybody's out there nodding their heads and saying, yeah, that's me. Friends, after a brief break, we're going to talk about what happens when disappointments remain unresolved, why it often turns into discouragement and cynicism, and and how disappointment can quietly shape our view of ourselves, others, and even God.
00:16:02
Speaker 2: And we're also going to discuss dreams that never happened, prayers that seem unanswered, and why unresolved disappointment may be affecting your mental health more than you realize. Stay with us. This is going to be an important segment. We'll be right back after this brief word from our sponsor. Welcome back to Your Hope-Filled Perspective. In honor of the National Day of Encouragement, we've been talking about how disappointment affects our mental health, our faith, and even our brains. Before the break, we discussed how unresolved disappointment can slowly transform into discouragement, cynicism, emotional exhaustion, and even a distorted view of God. We also talked about dreams that didn't happen in prayers that seem unanswered. Jessica, I think one of the reasons this conversation resonates so deeply is because, like you mentioned before the break, I think every listener and viewer can identify at least one disappointment that still feels tender.
00:17:08
Speaker 4: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: For some, it's recent and fresh. And for others, it may be decades old. Yet regardless of how long ago it occurred, disappointment has a way of convincing us that our future will look exactly like our past. And that's one of the greatest dangers of disappointment. It doesn't just affect how we view yesterday. It affects how we imagine tomorrow.
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Speaker 3: I think that's exactly right. I'm sitting here thinking, yeah. Yeah, it's impacting how I think about what comes next. Because one of the things disappointment tends to steal first is anticipation. When we've been hurt repeatedly, when we've prayed prayers that seem unanswered, or when we've watched important dreams fall apart, we often stop expecting good things. We may continue functioning. We may continue serving. We may continue going through the motions of faith. But inwardly, We've stopped anticipating God's goodness. We begin approaching life with caution rather than expectancy. Instead of wondering what God might do, we find ourselves bracing for what might go wrong. And over time, that posture becomes emotionally exhausting because we were never created to live in a constant state of self-protection. Hmm.
00:18:34
Speaker 2: That's such an important observation because from a neuroscience perspective, the brain learns from experience. So if disappointment occurs repeatedly, the brain begins creating what we might call protective predictions. Rather than anticipating positive outcomes, it starts preparing for negative ones. And this isn't because the brain is defective. It's because the brain is trying to keep us safe. The challenge is that what protects us from disappointment can also prevent us from embracing hope. We become reluctant to trust, reluctant to dream, reluctant to risk, and sometimes even reluctant to pray boldly because we're trying to avoid experiencing that same pain again. One of the things that I often explain to patients is that the brain's primary goal is not happiness. Its primary goal is survival, safety, predictability, certainty. Yet faith often requires us to move forward without certainty. Faith requires us to trust God's character even when outcomes remain uncertain. unknown. That's where disappointment creates such tension. Our brains crave certainty, but our faith requires trust. Learning to navigate that tension, an important part of both emotional and spiritual maturity. Michelle.
00:20:08
Speaker 3: If someone listening today realizes they're carrying unresolved disappointment, where does healing actually begin?
00:20:16
Speaker 2: I believe healing begins with honesty. And that may sound simplistic, and I don't mean it to because it's remarkably important. Many believers have become skilled at minimizing disappointment. They tell themselves they should just be over it by now. They tell themselves they should be stronger. They tell themselves they should simply move on. When my father died and I was a young girl, he was a strong believer. He was a strong evangelist. Everybody loved him. And I remember being at the funeral and thinking to myself, not, wow, I'm so sad or I'm so disappointed. I no longer have my daddy. I remember thinking I have to put a smile on my face because we all know he's in heaven. So even back then, I felt like I had to deny as a believer my disappointment. But healing doesn't occur through denial. Healing occurs through acknowledgement. We cannot surrender something to God that we're unwilling to admit exists. And one of the most powerful truths I landed on years ago is that God never asks us to pretend. He never asks us to call pain something other than pain. Throughout scripture, as you and I were talking about, Jessica, before the break, we see individuals bringing disappointment honestly before God. You mentioned David. David did not hide his discouragement. Jeremiah did not hide his confusion. Habakkuk didn't hide his questions. Even Jesus expressed anguish in Gethsemane. Honest emotion is not the enemy of faith. In many ways, honest emotion becomes the doorway through which deeper faith develops. But I think some of our listeners and viewers have spent years trying to outrun their disappointment. They've stayed busy. They've immersed themselves in work. They've focused on caring for everyone else. But perhaps what they haven't done is grieved. And grief is often the first step towards healing. But I started by answering your question by saying we have to be honest. And that's what's required to grieve. Whether the disappointment involves a broken relationship, a lost opportunity, a health challenge, an unanswered prayer or dream that never materialized, we have to acknowledge the loss before we can move on from it.
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Speaker 3: And I think that's especially important because many disappointments involve invisible losses. No one sees them. No one attends a funeral or memorial for them. Yet there's still losses. A woman who hoped for children and never became a mother experiences loss. A man whose career ended unexpectedly experiences loss. Someone who dreamed of a thriving marriage now finds themselves alone is experiencing loss. These losses may not be visible to others, but they're very real to the person carrying them.
00:23:21
Speaker 2: Oh, exactly. And one of the reasons invisible losses can linger so long is because they're often unacknowledged. When grief isn't expressed, it tends to settle deeper. It influences our emotions, our relationships, and our expectations.
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Speaker 3: Which is why giving language to disappointment can be so healing. Sometimes this emotional healing begins with a simple prayer. Lord, this hurt more than I've admitted. I'm disappointed. I'm confused. I'm grieving what I thought would be because that kind of honesty creates space for God to meet us.
00:24:00
Speaker 2: Another critical aspect of healing involves renewing our minds. Disappointment doesn't merely affect our emotions. It also affects our thought patterns. And after significant disappointment, people often begin adopting beliefs that feel true but aren't actually true. They may conclude that God has forgotten them. They may believe that nothing good will ever happen again. They might assume that every future opportunity will end the same way the previous opportunities ended. And these conclusions feel convincing because they're rooted in deep pain. Yet pain is not always an accurate interpreter of reality.
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Speaker 3: So what does neuroscience teach us in this regard?
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Speaker 2: This is where neuroscience and scripture beautifully intersect. Neuroscience teaches us that the brain remains capable of change throughout life. That's what we've referred to as neuroplasticity. The brain is constantly forming, strengthening, and modifying neural pathways based on repeated thoughts and experiences. Scripture communicates a remarkably similar principle long before neuroscience ever came to be. But when scripture talks about renewing the mind, Romans 12, 2 reminds us to not be conformed to the patterns of the world, but to be transformed through the renewing of our minds. In other words, transformation involves changing how we think. But that doesn't mean anything. ignoring disappointment. It doesn't mean pretending everything is wonderful. It means refusing to allow disappointment to become the lens through which we interpret everything else. And it means learning to recognize when disappointment is speaking louder than truth.
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Speaker 3: And that can be a process. Sometimes we think renewing the mind means repeating a Bible verse a few times and immediately feeling better. But in reality, it's more often a daily decision to challenge thoughts that aren't aligned with God's truth.
00:26:05
Speaker 2: Exactly. Healing rarely happens instantaneously. More often it happens gradually. Every time we choose truth over fear, every time we choose trust over cynicism, every time we choose hope over despair, we're strengthening new pathways. We're teaching our minds to focus on God's faithfulness rather than solely on our disappointments.
00:26:29
Speaker 3: That's good food for thought right there. Let's talk specifically about hope because I think many listeners are wondering whether hope is even possible after repeated disappointment.
00:26:41
Speaker 2: And I understand that question. In fact, I think many people secretly wonder if hope is worth the risk because they've become disappointed so many times that hope feels dangerous.
00:26:54
Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
00:26:55
Speaker 2: Yet biblical hope is very different from wishful thinking. Hope is not confidence that everything will unfold exactly as we want. Hope is confidence that God remains faithful regardless of how circumstances unfold. And you and I have talked about that many times on this podcast, and you frequently talk about God's faithfulness. But one of the reasons disappointment becomes so devastating is because we often place our hope in specific outcomes. We hope a prayer will be answered in a particular way. And when that outcome doesn't occur, hope feels shattered. But biblical hope was never intended to rest on outcomes. It was intended to rest on God's character. That's why scripture repeatedly points us back to God and who he is rather than merely what God does. Because his character remains constant. His goodness remains constant. His presence remains constant. His love remains constant. And because those things remain unchanged, hope remains possible even when circumstances disappoint us.
00:28:03
Speaker 3: I think that this is such an important distinction because many of us assume hope means expecting a particular result. But biblical hope is deeper than that. It's trusting God, even when we don't know what the result will be.
00:28:19
Speaker 4: Exactly.
00:28:20
Speaker 2: Hope isn't certainty about the future. It's confidence in the one who holds the future. As we begin wrapping up today's conversation, I want to speak directly to the listener or viewer who feels disappointed. Maybe you're disappointed by circumstances. Maybe you're disappointed by people. Maybe you're disappointed by yourself. Or perhaps you're even wrestling with disappointment toward God. And disappointment may be part of your story, but it's not the end of your story. Yeah.
00:28:54
Speaker 3: And one of the beautiful truths woven throughout scripture is that God consistently works in situations that appear hopeless. He works through delays. He works through detours. He works through disappointments, believe it or not. And he works through circumstances that make no sense from a human perspective. Again and again, over and over, we see him bringing redemption out of situations that initially looked like failure. Joseph thought prison was the end of the story. It wasn't. David thought the cave might be the end of the story. It wasn't. Mary and Martha thought death was the end of the story. It was not. And whatever disappointment your facing today may not be the end of your story either.
00:29:45
Speaker 2: You may not understand what God is doing. You may not see the purpose yet. You may not have all the answers to all your questions, but the absence of understanding does not mean the absence of God's activity. He is often working in ways we can't yet see.
00:30:03
Speaker 3: Friend, if today's conversation resonated with you, we encourage you to spend some time with the Lord this week and honestly bring your disappointments to Him. Don't minimize them. Don't hide them. Don't assume they don't matter. If they matter to you, they matter to Him.
00:30:19
Speaker 2: And remember this, disappointment doesn't have to become despair. God is able to meet you in your disappointment, heal what has been wounded, renew what has become weary, and restore hope where hope feels lost. Friends, thank you for spending time with us today on your hope-filled perspective. If this episode encouraged you, please subscribe, leave a review, and consider sharing it with someone who may need hope in the middle of their disappointment. Until next time, we want you to remember that God has not forgotten you, your story is not over. And as long as God is on his throne, hope prevails. Friends, I look forward to being with you again next week for another episode of your hope-filled perspective. But until then, it's my prayer for you that you have a hope-filled week.
00:31:10
Speaker 1: Everyone experiences pain at times. It can manifest physically, emotionally, relationally, or spiritually. It can follow tragic accidents, great loss, sudden betrayal, or unexpected and unwanted change. Often, pain is temporary. But what do you do when it isn't? When pain won't go away, healing does not come, and grief and hurt settle in to stay. Drawing on her experience of chronic pain in her years as a board-certified clinical neuropsychologist, Dr. Michelle Bankson provides a countercultural perspective on pain. Offering hope without any false promises or empty platitudes, Dr. Bankson unwraps the complex emotional aspects of dealing with pain. She gives you permission to question God, helps you identify the lies you've believed about your pain, and reorients your perspective based on the truth of God's Word. Each chapter ends with a recommended playlist, reflection questions, and a prayer. Your pain may not change, but your experience with it can.
00:32:23
Speaker 4: Dr.
00:32:24
Speaker 1: Sondra Dalton-Smith, physician, best-selling author, and a host of the I Choose My Best Life podcast, had this to say about the hem of his garment.
00:32:36
Speaker 2: Dr.
00:32:37
Speaker 1: Michelle Bankson is honest and transparent, and she gives the reader permission to ask hard questions and practical guidance on how to seek God during times when you feel the most wounded. A beautiful gift for every person living with pain. Holly Gerth, best-selling author of What Your Mind Needs for Anxious Moments, says, pain is inevitable, but enduring it alone is optional. Dr. Michelle Bankston is a voice of hope who will speak into your struggles, a helping hand who will point you to Jesus, and a wise guide who will lead you through what you're facing so you can embrace more of what our good God has for you. Pick up a copy of The Hem of His Garment for you and a friend wherever books are sold. Do you appreciate the biblically-based, hope-filled perspective offered each week by Dr.
00:33:35
Speaker 4: Bankson? Why don't you join the conversation? Take a moment and leave us a review. It's easy. Just scroll down on whatever app you're listening on, click on review, and tell us who you are, what you love about the program, and let us get to know you a little bit too. And while you're at it, why not hit subscribe so you'll be the first to know each time a new episode is aired.
00:33:57
Speaker 2: I'd like to take just a second to thank the team at Life Audio for their partnership with us on this podcast. If you go to lifeaudio.com, you'll find dozens of other faith-centered podcasts in their network. They've got shows about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.
Speaker 1: Life Audio.
00:00:04
Speaker 2: Have you ever found yourself asking, God, what happened? Not because you've stopped believing, not because you've lost your faith, but because life unfolded so differently than you expected that you're still trying to make sense of it. Perhaps you prayed faithfully for healing, but the diagnosis remained. Perhaps you believed a relationship would last to only to watch it fall apart. Perhaps you work diligently toward a goal, only to have the opportunity slip through your fingers. Maybe you carried a dream for years, something you genuinely believed God had placed on your heart, and yet that dream never materialized. One of the hardest realities of life is that sometimes our greatest pain comes not from what happened, But from what didn't happen, disappointment has a unique kind of grief attached to it. It's the grief of unmet expectations. It's the grief of unanswered questions. It's the grief of looking at your life and realizing it doesn't resemble the picture you once carried in your heart. What many people don't realize is that disappointment affects far more than our emotions. It affects our thinking. It affects our stress levels. It affects our motivation and our relationships. It affects our faith, and it even affects our brains. So in honor of the National Day of Encouragement, today we're talking about what happens when expectations are shattered, why disappointment can become so emotionally heavy, and how we can move forward without becoming stuck in discouragement or cynicism. If you've wrestled with a dream that didn't happen, a prayer that seemed unanswered, or a season that didn't unfold the way you hoped, this conversation is for you. Welcome to your Hope-Filled Perspective, where it's always our goal to restore hope, renew minds, and empower listeners and viewers to live in your God-given identity. We offer biblical encouragement, practical tools, and mental health insights to help you renew your mind and discover hope in every season. I'm your host, Dr. Michelle Bankson, board-certified clinical neuropsychologist, author, and companion on the journey of faith, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness.
00:02:18
Speaker 3: And I'm your co-host, Jessica VanRoekel. We are so glad you've joined us today. Michelle, I think today's topic touches every single listener because disappointment is one of those universal human experiences. We may experience different disappointments, but every one of us knows what it feels like to hope for something and then watch that hope collide with reality.
00:02:44
Speaker 2: No, that's exactly right. I don't know anyone who has lived long enough to avoid disappointment. It's part of living in a broken world. And what I've noticed both professionally and personally is that disappointment often goes unrecognized. People come to me talking about anxiety, discouragement, sadness, irritability, emotional exhaustion, or even hopelessness. Yet when we begin exploring what's underneath those emotions, we often discover disappointment sitting quietly at the root. They're disappointed in how a relationship turned out. They're disappointed in their circumstances. They're disappointed in themselves. And sometimes they're even disappointed with God. Although they may not feel comfortable saying that out loud.
00:03:33
Speaker 3: I heard myself in everything that you just said. And I think many Christians especially struggle to admit disappointment because they fear it somehow reflects poorly on their faith. There's almost like this internal pressure that says, well, if I trusted God enough, I wouldn't feel disappointed.
00:03:52
Speaker 2: And yet we know that's simply not true. Disappointment isn't evidence of weak faith. It's evidence that you're human. And the Bible is filled with faithful people who experience disappointment. And what I appreciate is that Scripture doesn't hide their struggles. In fact, God preserved their stories precisely because... Well, frankly, he knew we'd need them. When we read about Sarah waiting decades for a child or Joseph spending years in prison after receiving God's promises or David hiding in caves after being anointed king or Martha and Mary grieving because Jesus didn't arrive when they thought he should, we're actually seeing real people wrestling with real disappointment. And God never condemned them for their pain. Instead, he met them in it.
00:04:43
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm so glad he kept those stories sacred for us today. Michelle, let's start with a question I think many listeners are asking. Why does disappointment hurt so much? Because frankly, on the surface, it sounds relatively minor compared to other forms of suffering.
00:05:01
Speaker 2: That's a great question. I think one reason disappointment hurts so deeply is because It almost always involves loss of some kind. The challenge is that we're often grieving something intangible. When someone dies, we recognize the loss immediately. When a relationship ends, we recognize the loss. When a job disappears, we recognize that loss. But disappointment often involves grieving something. an anticipated future. We're grieving what we thought would happen. We're grieving what we expected. We're grieving the story we imagined. And because the future never actually existed in tangible form, people often don't realize they're grieving. Yet grief is exactly what's taking place.
00:05:52
Speaker 3: Such an important distinction you pointed out. I know that I've experienced seasons where I wasn't grieving a person or an event. I was actually grieving an expectation. I was grieving the life I thought I'd have. And that grief felt confusing because there was nothing visible to point to.
00:06:11
Speaker 2: Oh, exactly. And that's one reason disappointment can linger for years. People don't, by and large, give themselves permission to grieve it. They tell themselves, I shouldn't feel this way. It wasn't that big of a deal. Look at all the blessings I do have. Or other people have it worse. But minimizing pain doesn't heal pain. It simply buries it. And buried disappointment has a way of resurfacing later. Sometimes it resurfaces, like we're talking about today, as discouragement. And sometimes as resentment. Sometimes it resurfaces as anxiety or emotional numbness. But it rarely disappears on its own. So let's talk about what happens in the brain when expectations are shattered, because I think understanding the neuroscience helps us stop judging ourselves for our reactions. One of the primary functions of the brain is prediction. Our brains are constantly trying to anticipate what will come next. So every experience, every memory, every pattern we've observed helps the brain create expectations about the future. This process is actually designed to help us survive. The brain loves predictability because predictability can create a sense of safety. And when things happen as expected, the brain feels safe and stable. But when reality dramatically differs from what we expected, the brain experiences disruption. Researchers sometimes refer to this as prediction error. The brain essentially says, wait a minute, that wasn't supposed to happen. And the larger the gap between expectation and reality, the more emotionally significant that disruption becomes.
00:08:05
Speaker 3: Which really explains then why disappointment can feel so destabilizing.
00:08:11
Speaker 4: Exactly.
00:08:12
Speaker 2: Yes. Many people assume they're overreacting when they're disappointed. But neurologically, disappointment requires the brain to recognize and reorganize its understanding of reality. So think about someone who expected to remain married for life. or someone who expected their child to follow the Lord, or someone who expected retirement to look a certain way. Their brains weren't simply anticipating those outcomes. They were actively building future plans around those outcomes. And when those expectations collapse, the brain has to revise the entire picture. And that's mentally exhausting. It's emotionally exhausting. And often then it activates the brain's stress response system. One of the reasons disappointment affects mental health so significantly is because the brain often interprets major disappointment as a form of threat. Now, we're not talking about physical danger. We're talking about emotional threat. The brain's alarm system doesn't always distinguish between physical and emotional pain as clearly as we might think. Research has shown that emotional pain activates many of the same neural pathways involved in physical pain. And that's one reason why disappointment can literally hurt. Many people say things like, my heart aches or I feel crushed or I feel broken. And those descriptions aren't merely poetic. They're describing genuine emotional distress that the brain is processing very seriously. When disappointment happens, isn't significant enough, stress hormones increase, sleep is disrupted, concentration becomes more difficult, motivation decreases, and people may become more emotionally reactive. All of those responses are normal because they're signs that the brain is trying to adjust to a reality it wasn't expecting.
00:10:22
Speaker 3: Michelle, why do some disappointments seem to fade relatively quickly while others stay with us for years?
00:10:30
Speaker 2: Because some disappointments touch our identity. That's where disappointment becomes particularly painful. If I expect a package to arrive and it's delayed, I'm disappointed. I'm used to my Amazon two-day prime delivery, sometimes overnight, right? So when it's not there... I'm disappointed because I was expecting it. But if I expect my marriage to thrive, my ministry to flourish, my child to recover, or my calling to unfold in a certain way, those disappointments strike much deeper because they're connected to my sense of purpose, meaning, identity, and belonging. Hmm. The more personally significant the expectation, the more profound the disappointment tends to be. And if we're not careful, we begin drawing conclusions about ourselves based on those disappointments. So we start asking questions like, what did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Why did God allow this? And even more significant, can I trust him?
00:11:35
Speaker 3: I think I've said every single one of those questions before. Me too. And what I'm hearing from you, though, is that those questions aren't merely emotional questions. Those are identity questions. They're spiritual questions, and they require careful attention.
00:11:55
Speaker 2: One thing I love about scripture, and I suspect this is true of you too, Jessica, is that it refuses to sanitize human emotion. You know, we often celebrate the victories of biblical figures while forgetting the disappointments. they also endured, right? Consider Joseph. We know the ending of the story. We know he becomes second in command over Egypt. We know God redeems his suffering. Yay. But Joseph didn't know any of that while sitting in prison. Imagine the disappointment. He had received dreams from God, yet everything happening around him seemed to contradict those dreams.
00:12:39
Speaker 3: So true.
00:12:40
Speaker 2: I suspect many listeners can relate to that feeling. I know I can. They probably sense God leading them. They believe God was working. And yet their circumstances seem to tell a completely different story. And sometimes that story seems to last a really long time.
00:12:58
Speaker 3: I agree with you 100%. We do have the benefit of knowing the end of the story. And people like Joseph, I sometimes want to know the end of my story.
00:13:10
Speaker 2: Me too.
00:13:12
Speaker 3: God is like, let's just consider David today.
00:13:17
Speaker 2: You know, we.
00:13:20
Speaker 3: Read about David quickly.
00:13:21
Speaker 1: We go through that.
00:13:23
Speaker 3: We can read his whole life in two or three chapters, 30 minutes. We've read through his life of decades and yet years passed between his anointing and his coronation. Years of hiding, living in caves, smelly with other outlaws and outcasts. He had years of uncertainty, years of wondering, did that really happen? Is this going to come true? Where are you, God? That type of a thing, I imagine, must have gone through his mind.
00:13:54
Speaker 2: And I think when we're in a place of disappointment, I'm going through my own sense of disappointment right now. And when we're there, We want that season of disappointment to end in the same two or three chapters in the same 30 minutes. Yeah. And perhaps one of the most powerful examples is found in Martha and Mary. And I can relate to this. They sent word to Jesus that Lazarus was sick and Lazarus was a friend of Jesus. But from the perspective of Martha and Mary, Jesus delayed. Imagine what they must have been thinking. Surely he would come. Surely he would heal. Surely he wouldn't let his friend and our brother Lazarus die. And yet Lazarus died. Their expectations were shattered. And when Jesus finally arrived, Martha's first words reveal her disappointment. Lord, if you had been there, my brother would not have died. That's disappointment. That's grief. That's confusion. And I'm grateful that Jesus didn't rebuke her. He met her in her sorrow. He listened. He comforted. And then he revealed a larger story that she couldn't yet see. And for me, that's an important reminder. And I hope it is for our listeners and viewers as well. Sometimes we're living in the middle of a story whose ending we can't yet see.
00:15:31
Speaker 3: I think if we were to ask everyone out there to raise their hands, if they're living in part of a story that has disappointment in it, I'm going to assume that everybody's out there nodding their heads and saying, yeah, that's me. Friends, after a brief break, we're going to talk about what happens when disappointments remain unresolved, why it often turns into discouragement and cynicism, and and how disappointment can quietly shape our view of ourselves, others, and even God.
00:16:02
Speaker 2: And we're also going to discuss dreams that never happened, prayers that seem unanswered, and why unresolved disappointment may be affecting your mental health more than you realize. Stay with us. This is going to be an important segment. We'll be right back after this brief word from our sponsor. Welcome back to Your Hope-Filled Perspective. In honor of the National Day of Encouragement, we've been talking about how disappointment affects our mental health, our faith, and even our brains. Before the break, we discussed how unresolved disappointment can slowly transform into discouragement, cynicism, emotional exhaustion, and even a distorted view of God. We also talked about dreams that didn't happen in prayers that seem unanswered. Jessica, I think one of the reasons this conversation resonates so deeply is because, like you mentioned before the break, I think every listener and viewer can identify at least one disappointment that still feels tender.
00:17:08
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:17:09
Speaker 2: For some, it's recent and fresh. And for others, it may be decades old. Yet regardless of how long ago it occurred, disappointment has a way of convincing us that our future will look exactly like our past. And that's one of the greatest dangers of disappointment. It doesn't just affect how we view yesterday. It affects how we imagine tomorrow.
00:17:33
Speaker 3: I think that's exactly right. I'm sitting here thinking, yeah. Yeah, it's impacting how I think about what comes next. Because one of the things disappointment tends to steal first is anticipation. When we've been hurt repeatedly, when we've prayed prayers that seem unanswered, or when we've watched important dreams fall apart, we often stop expecting good things. We may continue functioning. We may continue serving. We may continue going through the motions of faith. But inwardly, We've stopped anticipating God's goodness. We begin approaching life with caution rather than expectancy. Instead of wondering what God might do, we find ourselves bracing for what might go wrong. And over time, that posture becomes emotionally exhausting because we were never created to live in a constant state of self-protection. Hmm.
00:18:34
Speaker 2: That's such an important observation because from a neuroscience perspective, the brain learns from experience. So if disappointment occurs repeatedly, the brain begins creating what we might call protective predictions. Rather than anticipating positive outcomes, it starts preparing for negative ones. And this isn't because the brain is defective. It's because the brain is trying to keep us safe. The challenge is that what protects us from disappointment can also prevent us from embracing hope. We become reluctant to trust, reluctant to dream, reluctant to risk, and sometimes even reluctant to pray boldly because we're trying to avoid experiencing that same pain again. One of the things that I often explain to patients is that the brain's primary goal is not happiness. Its primary goal is survival, safety, predictability, certainty. Yet faith often requires us to move forward without certainty. Faith requires us to trust God's character even when outcomes remain uncertain. unknown. That's where disappointment creates such tension. Our brains crave certainty, but our faith requires trust. Learning to navigate that tension, an important part of both emotional and spiritual maturity. Michelle.
00:20:08
Speaker 3: If someone listening today realizes they're carrying unresolved disappointment, where does healing actually begin?
00:20:16
Speaker 2: I believe healing begins with honesty. And that may sound simplistic, and I don't mean it to because it's remarkably important. Many believers have become skilled at minimizing disappointment. They tell themselves they should just be over it by now. They tell themselves they should be stronger. They tell themselves they should simply move on. When my father died and I was a young girl, he was a strong believer. He was a strong evangelist. Everybody loved him. And I remember being at the funeral and thinking to myself, not, wow, I'm so sad or I'm so disappointed. I no longer have my daddy. I remember thinking I have to put a smile on my face because we all know he's in heaven. So even back then, I felt like I had to deny as a believer my disappointment. But healing doesn't occur through denial. Healing occurs through acknowledgement. We cannot surrender something to God that we're unwilling to admit exists. And one of the most powerful truths I landed on years ago is that God never asks us to pretend. He never asks us to call pain something other than pain. Throughout scripture, as you and I were talking about, Jessica, before the break, we see individuals bringing disappointment honestly before God. You mentioned David. David did not hide his discouragement. Jeremiah did not hide his confusion. Habakkuk didn't hide his questions. Even Jesus expressed anguish in Gethsemane. Honest emotion is not the enemy of faith. In many ways, honest emotion becomes the doorway through which deeper faith develops. But I think some of our listeners and viewers have spent years trying to outrun their disappointment. They've stayed busy. They've immersed themselves in work. They've focused on caring for everyone else. But perhaps what they haven't done is grieved. And grief is often the first step towards healing. But I started by answering your question by saying we have to be honest. And that's what's required to grieve. Whether the disappointment involves a broken relationship, a lost opportunity, a health challenge, an unanswered prayer or dream that never materialized, we have to acknowledge the loss before we can move on from it.
00:22:45
Speaker 3: And I think that's especially important because many disappointments involve invisible losses. No one sees them. No one attends a funeral or memorial for them. Yet there's still losses. A woman who hoped for children and never became a mother experiences loss. A man whose career ended unexpectedly experiences loss. Someone who dreamed of a thriving marriage now finds themselves alone is experiencing loss. These losses may not be visible to others, but they're very real to the person carrying them.
00:23:21
Speaker 2: Oh, exactly. And one of the reasons invisible losses can linger so long is because they're often unacknowledged. When grief isn't expressed, it tends to settle deeper. It influences our emotions, our relationships, and our expectations.
00:23:38
Speaker 3: Which is why giving language to disappointment can be so healing. Sometimes this emotional healing begins with a simple prayer. Lord, this hurt more than I've admitted. I'm disappointed. I'm confused. I'm grieving what I thought would be because that kind of honesty creates space for God to meet us.
00:24:00
Speaker 2: Another critical aspect of healing involves renewing our minds. Disappointment doesn't merely affect our emotions. It also affects our thought patterns. And after significant disappointment, people often begin adopting beliefs that feel true but aren't actually true. They may conclude that God has forgotten them. They may believe that nothing good will ever happen again. They might assume that every future opportunity will end the same way the previous opportunities ended. And these conclusions feel convincing because they're rooted in deep pain. Yet pain is not always an accurate interpreter of reality.
00:24:41
Speaker 3: So what does neuroscience teach us in this regard?
00:24:45
Speaker 2: This is where neuroscience and scripture beautifully intersect. Neuroscience teaches us that the brain remains capable of change throughout life. That's what we've referred to as neuroplasticity. The brain is constantly forming, strengthening, and modifying neural pathways based on repeated thoughts and experiences. Scripture communicates a remarkably similar principle long before neuroscience ever came to be. But when scripture talks about renewing the mind, Romans 12, 2 reminds us to not be conformed to the patterns of the world, but to be transformed through the renewing of our minds. In other words, transformation involves changing how we think. But that doesn't mean anything. ignoring disappointment. It doesn't mean pretending everything is wonderful. It means refusing to allow disappointment to become the lens through which we interpret everything else. And it means learning to recognize when disappointment is speaking louder than truth.
00:25:47
Speaker 3: And that can be a process. Sometimes we think renewing the mind means repeating a Bible verse a few times and immediately feeling better. But in reality, it's more often a daily decision to challenge thoughts that aren't aligned with God's truth.
00:26:05
Speaker 2: Exactly. Healing rarely happens instantaneously. More often it happens gradually. Every time we choose truth over fear, every time we choose trust over cynicism, every time we choose hope over despair, we're strengthening new pathways. We're teaching our minds to focus on God's faithfulness rather than solely on our disappointments.
00:26:29
Speaker 3: That's good food for thought right there. Let's talk specifically about hope because I think many listeners are wondering whether hope is even possible after repeated disappointment.
00:26:41
Speaker 2: And I understand that question. In fact, I think many people secretly wonder if hope is worth the risk because they've become disappointed so many times that hope feels dangerous.
00:26:54
Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
00:26:55
Speaker 2: Yet biblical hope is very different from wishful thinking. Hope is not confidence that everything will unfold exactly as we want. Hope is confidence that God remains faithful regardless of how circumstances unfold. And you and I have talked about that many times on this podcast, and you frequently talk about God's faithfulness. But one of the reasons disappointment becomes so devastating is because we often place our hope in specific outcomes. We hope a prayer will be answered in a particular way. And when that outcome doesn't occur, hope feels shattered. But biblical hope was never intended to rest on outcomes. It was intended to rest on God's character. That's why scripture repeatedly points us back to God and who he is rather than merely what God does. Because his character remains constant. His goodness remains constant. His presence remains constant. His love remains constant. And because those things remain unchanged, hope remains possible even when circumstances disappoint us.
00:28:03
Speaker 3: I think that this is such an important distinction because many of us assume hope means expecting a particular result. But biblical hope is deeper than that. It's trusting God, even when we don't know what the result will be.
00:28:19
Speaker 4: Exactly.
00:28:20
Speaker 2: Hope isn't certainty about the future. It's confidence in the one who holds the future. As we begin wrapping up today's conversation, I want to speak directly to the listener or viewer who feels disappointed. Maybe you're disappointed by circumstances. Maybe you're disappointed by people. Maybe you're disappointed by yourself. Or perhaps you're even wrestling with disappointment toward God. And disappointment may be part of your story, but it's not the end of your story. Yeah.
00:28:54
Speaker 3: And one of the beautiful truths woven throughout scripture is that God consistently works in situations that appear hopeless. He works through delays. He works through detours. He works through disappointments, believe it or not. And he works through circumstances that make no sense from a human perspective. Again and again, over and over, we see him bringing redemption out of situations that initially looked like failure. Joseph thought prison was the end of the story. It wasn't. David thought the cave might be the end of the story. It wasn't. Mary and Martha thought death was the end of the story. It was not. And whatever disappointment your facing today may not be the end of your story either.
00:29:45
Speaker 2: You may not understand what God is doing. You may not see the purpose yet. You may not have all the answers to all your questions, but the absence of understanding does not mean the absence of God's activity. He is often working in ways we can't yet see.
00:30:03
Speaker 3: Friend, if today's conversation resonated with you, we encourage you to spend some time with the Lord this week and honestly bring your disappointments to Him. Don't minimize them. Don't hide them. Don't assume they don't matter. If they matter to you, they matter to Him.
00:30:19
Speaker 2: And remember this, disappointment doesn't have to become despair. God is able to meet you in your disappointment, heal what has been wounded, renew what has become weary, and restore hope where hope feels lost. Friends, thank you for spending time with us today on your hope-filled perspective. If this episode encouraged you, please subscribe, leave a review, and consider sharing it with someone who may need hope in the middle of their disappointment. Until next time, we want you to remember that God has not forgotten you, your story is not over. And as long as God is on his throne, hope prevails. Friends, I look forward to being with you again next week for another episode of your hope-filled perspective. But until then, it's my prayer for you that you have a hope-filled week.
00:31:10
Speaker 1: Everyone experiences pain at times. It can manifest physically, emotionally, relationally, or spiritually. It can follow tragic accidents, great loss, sudden betrayal, or unexpected and unwanted change. Often, pain is temporary. But what do you do when it isn't? When pain won't go away, healing does not come, and grief and hurt settle in to stay. Drawing on her experience of chronic pain in her years as a board-certified clinical neuropsychologist, Dr. Michelle Bankson provides a countercultural perspective on pain. Offering hope without any false promises or empty platitudes, Dr. Bankson unwraps the complex emotional aspects of dealing with pain. She gives you permission to question God, helps you identify the lies you've believed about your pain, and reorients your perspective based on the truth of God's Word. Each chapter ends with a recommended playlist, reflection questions, and a prayer. Your pain may not change, but your experience with it can.
00:32:23
Speaker 4: Dr.
00:32:24
Speaker 1: Sondra Dalton-Smith, physician, best-selling author, and a host of the I Choose My Best Life podcast, had this to say about the hem of his garment.
00:32:36
Speaker 2: Dr.
00:32:37
Speaker 1: Michelle Bankson is honest and transparent, and she gives the reader permission to ask hard questions and practical guidance on how to seek God during times when you feel the most wounded. A beautiful gift for every person living with pain. Holly Gerth, best-selling author of What Your Mind Needs for Anxious Moments, says, pain is inevitable, but enduring it alone is optional. Dr. Michelle Bankston is a voice of hope who will speak into your struggles, a helping hand who will point you to Jesus, and a wise guide who will lead you through what you're facing so you can embrace more of what our good God has for you. Pick up a copy of The Hem of His Garment for you and a friend wherever books are sold. Do you appreciate the biblically-based, hope-filled perspective offered each week by Dr.
00:33:35
Speaker 4: Bankson? Why don't you join the conversation? Take a moment and leave us a review. It's easy. Just scroll down on whatever app you're listening on, click on review, and tell us who you are, what you love about the program, and let us get to know you a little bit too. And while you're at it, why not hit subscribe so you'll be the first to know each time a new episode is aired.
00:33:57
Speaker 2: I'd like to take just a second to thank the team at Life Audio for their partnership with us on this podcast. If you go to lifeaudio.com, you'll find dozens of other faith-centered podcasts in their network. They've got shows about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.
