WEBVTT
1
00:00:07.759 --> 00:00:09.359
So I'm curious.
2
00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:17.199
In the midst of all of that, you created comedy,
3
00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:19.640
I think unintentionally.
4
00:00:20.640 --> 00:00:22.359
Yes, what was the question?
5
00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:28.120
I don't remember. Menopause. It's real, so real, talking about
6
00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:34.159
Can we talk about menopause? Listen, it's where me out? Yeah, No,
7
00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:36.039
I don't know what I talked about yesterday.
8
00:00:36.320 --> 00:00:38.320
I know we were talking about being funny.
9
00:00:38.479 --> 00:00:40.840
Yes, we were talking about being funny, shocker and pain
10
00:00:41.159 --> 00:00:41.560
and pain.
11
00:00:41.799 --> 00:00:44.320
Yes, I mean, I think you don't like your cry
12
00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:46.960
I got back there. I do this from the stage.
13
00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:47.840
I'm like what we say.
14
00:00:47.840 --> 00:00:53.039
Oh yeah, yeah, I think I think it's innate in me.
15
00:00:53.320 --> 00:00:55.840
My mom's funny, so I think, which I didn't really know,
16
00:00:55.920 --> 00:00:58.240
but I think that's curious.
17
00:00:58.759 --> 00:01:01.679
I love this story. It's great. And my kids are
18
00:01:01.719 --> 00:01:03.200
both very witty.
19
00:01:03.520 --> 00:01:06.159
My son is extremely witty. But yeah, I think I
20
00:01:06.200 --> 00:01:07.719
think you have to laugh at yourself.
21
00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:08.040
Man.
22
00:01:08.200 --> 00:01:10.599
I just I'm the first one if you ever come
23
00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:13.280
to my show, like I'm I'm a self deprecator all.
24
00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:13.920
Oh, all the way.
25
00:01:13.959 --> 00:01:15.599
I mean, I've listened to so many of your shows.
26
00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:17.560
Hey, I'm gonna get myself before you get me. You
27
00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:19.599
know what I mean exactly, But also like, yeah, we
28
00:01:19.640 --> 00:01:21.799
have to laugh about it. Otherwise I would be curled
29
00:01:21.840 --> 00:01:23.519
up in the fetal position in the corner of the
30
00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:26.239
room eating pills. I think too, I didn't have this
31
00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:30.120
in my first marriage. I had so much going on
32
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:34.680
there that I didn't experience this. But but me and
33
00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:37.879
my husband have so much fun together. We laugh all
34
00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:41.000
the time, Like I swear by it. I'm like, it
35
00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:44.480
keeps us connected, it keeps things fun and light. And
36
00:01:44.560 --> 00:01:48.439
I am so serious and I hate that about myself.
37
00:01:48.439 --> 00:01:50.959
I don't like that about myself either. But you're funny
38
00:01:50.959 --> 00:01:53.319
and I'm not funny, so you know, you can still
39
00:01:53.359 --> 00:01:54.120
have a serious side.
40
00:01:54.239 --> 00:01:55.560
I'm just way too serious.
41
00:01:55.879 --> 00:01:57.959
I don't know though, I mean, because when I go there,
42
00:01:58.040 --> 00:01:59.719
I go harden the paint, you know, and I have
43
00:01:59.760 --> 00:02:02.120
to remind myself to lighten up.
44
00:02:03.280 --> 00:02:06.519
But yeah, having that with my husband, he's he's He's
45
00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:07.359
a good.
46
00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:10.800
Perpetually positive human being, which I desperately need in my life.
47
00:02:10.840 --> 00:02:12.360
And and so what pulls that out of me? I
48
00:02:12.439 --> 00:02:16.919
want to yell at yeah, stop it, stop being positive.
49
00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:21.520
But if we were both negative. But then sometimes I think,
50
00:02:21.560 --> 00:02:23.280
but what am I bringing to the table? You know,
51
00:02:23.319 --> 00:02:26.240
I know what he brings, but like, how is my negativity.
52
00:02:26.599 --> 00:02:28.560
You know, how is this a positive thing? I like
53
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:30.680
to say I keep him grounded. That's probably not true,
54
00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:34.719
but that's by I tell myself, keep him grounded. We'll see, Okay.
55
00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:36.520
So I wish he was here he could speak for himself.
56
00:02:36.560 --> 00:02:39.560
So before we started talking on camera, you know, I
57
00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:42.360
said to you or we talked about some of the
58
00:02:42.479 --> 00:02:46.360
questions that I thought about asking, and one of them
59
00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:48.520
was something about, you know, what's next, what's you know?
60
00:02:48.520 --> 00:02:51.120
What are you you know, looking forward to working on creatively?
61
00:02:51.159 --> 00:02:53.080
And you said nothing.
62
00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:59.120
Yeah, I'm mentopol It's all great. I mean, I mean
63
00:02:59.159 --> 00:03:03.319
the truth is when it starts and we have so
64
00:03:03.439 --> 00:03:07.080
many female viewers, yeah, or just sitting in the middle
65
00:03:07.080 --> 00:03:10.280
of that, there's just this flatness that happens.
66
00:03:10.599 --> 00:03:12.599
Well said, it's terrible.
67
00:03:12.759 --> 00:03:15.439
You lose your you lose all your spark.
68
00:03:15.960 --> 00:03:20.439
Yes, I feel that everything feels muddy to me. It's
69
00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:22.639
like early pregnancy all my my brain.
70
00:03:22.800 --> 00:03:25.280
Yes, but I don't even think I was this bad
71
00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:28.080
darn pregnancy. And here's why, because I had a focus.
72
00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:30.840
I'm like, Okay, I got this baby. I got to
73
00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:32.800
read all the books, I got to learn all the things,
74
00:03:32.840 --> 00:03:35.479
I got to do this. Well, you know, and if
75
00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:40.319
I'm being really honest, pre menopause, which is what I'm in.
76
00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:44.080
Perimenopause and a lot of other life things happened to
77
00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:48.719
me within a couple of years and then it my
78
00:03:48.759 --> 00:03:50.280
eyes open and I was like, oh, I'm in the
79
00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:53.280
middle of the trenches, and that I kind of am
80
00:03:53.360 --> 00:03:55.680
still in it, but I'm starting to have some more hope.
81
00:03:56.639 --> 00:03:58.560
But it takes more work for me to have hope
82
00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:01.159
in my older age because I think my hormones are
83
00:04:01.240 --> 00:04:05.039
they affect me right, they affect us and we feel crazy.
84
00:04:05.159 --> 00:04:08.000
We don't know why, there's just so much coming at us.
85
00:04:08.439 --> 00:04:14.360
Feel I don't feel creative right now. I do struggle
86
00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:15.840
with what is my career doing?
87
00:04:16.120 --> 00:04:17.240
R what in the world.
88
00:04:17.240 --> 00:04:19.000
Half the time I'm in churches, half the time I'm
89
00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:21.279
in a comedy club. Half the time I want to
90
00:04:21.319 --> 00:04:23.920
write and be inspirational, and then the other rest of
91
00:04:23.959 --> 00:04:25.519
the time I want to sit and watch the cooking
92
00:04:25.560 --> 00:04:26.560
chain of the Food Network.
93
00:04:26.600 --> 00:04:27.600
I mean, you know what I mean.
94
00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:30.360
Or I want to get up at noon. My body
95
00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:35.040
is tired. My kids have left. I've got a son
96
00:04:35.160 --> 00:04:37.560
who's twenty two, Noah, he's about to get married. My
97
00:04:37.639 --> 00:04:40.879
daughter Ava turns nineteen yesterday. She is in the same
98
00:04:41.800 --> 00:04:44.040
rehab that my mom got clean at.
99
00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:51.240
She's doing great. I'm so proud of We just love her, right,
100
00:04:51.439 --> 00:04:52.160
It's wonderful.
101
00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:55.040
But all these things, you know, my kids leave, and
102
00:04:55.160 --> 00:04:57.480
I used to be a worship leader number one, I'm
103
00:04:57.480 --> 00:05:00.040
not anymore. Now I'm doing comedy, which I didn't and
104
00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:05.720
you know, anticipate my hormones have messed my voice up,
105
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:06.720
so I can't sing.
106
00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:08.199
So all these things.
107
00:05:07.959 --> 00:05:11.560
That defined me for so long, I don't have those anymore.
108
00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:13.920
And I don't think I realized how much of what
109
00:05:14.079 --> 00:05:18.079
I did defined me rather than who I am, And
110
00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:19.879
so I'm having to find that again.
111
00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:20.720
But there's so.
112
00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:25.920
Much up here and in here, and so much of
113
00:05:26.040 --> 00:05:28.560
my purpose that I'm still trying to figure out. But what.
114
00:05:28.959 --> 00:05:31.000
And I told Tasha this on the way, I said,
115
00:05:31.160 --> 00:05:33.920
you know, one thing I'm realizing is no matter how
116
00:05:33.959 --> 00:05:37.000
I feel, no matter how hopeless I feel, no matter
117
00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:41.240
how uncreative I feel, no matter the lack of purpose
118
00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:43.319
that I feel, none of it changes.
119
00:05:45.639 --> 00:05:47.759
God's playing for my life. Yeah, and I don't know
120
00:05:47.800 --> 00:05:51.160
what that is at fifty. I'm almost fifty next month
121
00:05:51.720 --> 00:05:54.839
in januarygeous.
122
00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:55.680
By the way, thank you.
123
00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:56.879
You are to tell me again later.
124
00:05:58.360 --> 00:05:58.720
Gorgeous.
125
00:05:59.120 --> 00:05:59.439
Okay.
126
00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:03.120
I mean I just never anticipated being here. I've always
127
00:06:03.120 --> 00:06:05.279
had a purpose. I've always had I'm going to be
128
00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:07.319
a worship leader. I'm going to be a mom. Now
129
00:06:07.319 --> 00:06:08.839
I'm going to be a single mom. Now I have
130
00:06:08.920 --> 00:06:10.920
to provide. Now I'm going to be a comedian. And
131
00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:13.160
now I'm like, now what am I going to do?
132
00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:16.279
I don't think I saw myself being forty nine.
133
00:06:16.920 --> 00:06:20.279
You know, I knew I saw women this age.
134
00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:22.680
I saw my grandmother, I saw her lose her hair,
135
00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:26.319
her hair get thin. I saw women go through stages
136
00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:28.160
where they didn't care where they were tired.
137
00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:31.600
But I never put myself in that position. Thought I'm
138
00:06:31.600 --> 00:06:32.600
going to be that one day.
139
00:06:32.879 --> 00:06:34.759
But I told somebody the other day, I said, I
140
00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:37.480
see how women become Karen's sorry.
141
00:06:37.160 --> 00:06:39.639
To all you women named Karen. It's really terrible that
142
00:06:39.839 --> 00:06:41.360
your name got pegged for that.
143
00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:45.920
But I'm like women, we get so tired and so exhausted,
144
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:48.560
and I think one day we just go I'm done here,
145
00:06:48.920 --> 00:06:50.360
I don't care, and you're my target.
146
00:06:50.519 --> 00:06:52.079
Yeah, you know. So I have a little bit more
147
00:06:52.120 --> 00:06:52.759
grace though.
148
00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:55.639
And then I understand how women, old women just say
149
00:06:55.680 --> 00:06:56.360
anything they.
150
00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:59.600
Want and look anyway they want. Stop stop doing the hair.
151
00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:02.519
I don't care. Forget about self, forget it.
152
00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:05.480
I mean, listen the fact that I'm still self tanning
153
00:07:05.480 --> 00:07:06.199
at forty nine.
154
00:07:06.600 --> 00:07:08.079
I mean I'm a catch.
155
00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:12.000
My husband will tell you clearly. Yeah, I mean it's
156
00:07:12.079 --> 00:07:14.079
just I see, I see. Now.
157
00:07:14.120 --> 00:07:16.360
I'm like, oh, we're tired.
158
00:07:17.279 --> 00:07:20.160
We're tired. We don't even know half the reasons we're tired.
159
00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:22.920
So I think giving myself some grace, and.
160
00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:24.959
I think giving yourself a lot. Oh, I need a
161
00:07:24.959 --> 00:07:25.360
lot of it.
162
00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:30.600
Yeah, you know, I wanted to go back to two things. One,
163
00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:35.639
what's what was the origin of what happened with Ava?
164
00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:40.680
You know, we, uh, we had a lot of struggles
165
00:07:40.720 --> 00:07:46.000
for a lot of years, and you know, I could
166
00:07:46.120 --> 00:07:48.480
unpack this a thousand ways, and we don't have all
167
00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:52.439
all that time. But I think that divorce was hard
168
00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:56.079
on my kids. I also think that my marriage at
169
00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:58.120
that time was hard on my kids. I think staying
170
00:07:58.120 --> 00:08:00.160
would have been hard on my kids. Right, So the
171
00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:04.000
best we can. I have two kids that have handled
172
00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:06.600
it in different ways, right, because everybody's different. But when
173
00:08:06.600 --> 00:08:12.120
Ava was thirteen, she started asking questions and I started
174
00:08:12.120 --> 00:08:17.800
giving her some answers, and the reality of some of
175
00:08:17.800 --> 00:08:20.560
those answers became very hard for her. Even just divorce
176
00:08:20.600 --> 00:08:23.120
in general was hard for her. So we had her
177
00:08:23.160 --> 00:08:27.319
in therapy for years early on, and she would do great,
178
00:08:27.560 --> 00:08:31.160
but she just had these tendencies.
179
00:08:30.519 --> 00:08:33.679
To self destruct. I'm so sorry.
180
00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:37.360
Yeah we are too, but you know what, she's taking
181
00:08:37.399 --> 00:08:38.960
it and she's working with it.
182
00:08:39.080 --> 00:08:42.360
We got to a place she graduated.
183
00:08:41.879 --> 00:08:44.519
In May from high school, and right before then we
184
00:08:44.559 --> 00:08:47.600
would go through like six month periods where we would.
185
00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:48.519
Find things out.
186
00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:51.039
We think she's doing great, we think things are one way,
187
00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:53.240
and all of a sudden we find out like, oh,
188
00:08:53.360 --> 00:08:56.240
things are not as we thought. And finally we just
189
00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:59.240
the four parents got together and we were like, we're
190
00:08:59.240 --> 00:09:03.080
out of tools. We've done therapy. You know, I've done therapy.
191
00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:05.440
I'm goodness gracious. I became a life coach, and I
192
00:09:05.480 --> 00:09:07.679
you know, I can't even help my own daughter. She
193
00:09:07.759 --> 00:09:09.720
needs more than we can give her. And my mom said,
194
00:09:09.799 --> 00:09:11.679
I'm telling you, get her into Women of Hope.
195
00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:14.639
It changed my life. And they had one bed open.
196
00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:18.720
The one bed open that was divine. Yeah, but how
197
00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:20.759
curious that you know that you had to go through
198
00:09:20.840 --> 00:09:24.519
such a long journey with your mom, and that journey
199
00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:27.960
became such a definitive journey for your self work right,
200
00:09:28.360 --> 00:09:31.799
you know, and how you you built your strength, and
201
00:09:31.799 --> 00:09:34.279
then that your mom comes around healed.
202
00:09:35.159 --> 00:09:35.720
Giving.
203
00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:41.080
Full circles, full circle for sure, what a gift. But
204
00:09:41.279 --> 00:09:45.000
her addiction ended up being you know, all that she
205
00:09:45.039 --> 00:09:45.639
had gone through.
206
00:09:45.799 --> 00:09:47.600
Well to me, I don't know if I'm right about this,
207
00:09:48.919 --> 00:09:53.600
but I would think in Ava's situation, she could look
208
00:09:53.639 --> 00:09:56.159
at what happened with her grandmother. One, there's hope, right,
209
00:09:56.200 --> 00:09:59.600
you know, One there can be healing, redemption, you can't
210
00:09:59.600 --> 00:10:01.960
get clean and sober. But the other thing, she didn't
211
00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:03.559
have to carry all the shame. She wasn't the only
212
00:10:03.559 --> 00:10:05.840
one of the family you ever had that, right, you know?
213
00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:07.759
Since right, I would hope that some of the shame
214
00:10:07.799 --> 00:10:10.360
would fall off. Yes, and it has because of her grandmother.
215
00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:14.159
Well, and my mother says, because I've asked her, how
216
00:10:14.159 --> 00:10:16.799
are you able what's different now? Because you would get
217
00:10:16.840 --> 00:10:18.840
clean for a few years and then you'd always go back.
218
00:10:19.080 --> 00:10:22.279
Why are you able to stay sober? And her immediate
219
00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:25.559
answer is, because I finally quit living in shame. The
220
00:10:25.639 --> 00:10:29.399
shame always sent me back, And Ava recently said to me,
221
00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:31.279
you tell anybody whatever you want.
222
00:10:31.679 --> 00:10:34.120
I do not live in shame. I am proud of myself.
223
00:10:34.159 --> 00:10:37.759
I love that. So what an inspiration. Now at nineteen,
224
00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:41.240
she's she's gonna change the world. She's gonna change Yeah,
225
00:10:41.320 --> 00:10:43.559
she's got a story that's incredible.
226
00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:45.000
But I so believe that.
227
00:10:45.039 --> 00:10:45.919
I mean, I've had.
228
00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:49.399
Periods of my life where I just was riddled with shame. Yeah,
229
00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:54.240
but I was so upset hurt about you know, and.
230
00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:57.039
I so you know, internalized it. Did that.
231
00:10:57.159 --> 00:11:00.320
Plus then it would isolate because I did I didn't
232
00:11:00.360 --> 00:11:03.159
want to sit with friends and kind of you know,
233
00:11:03.279 --> 00:11:05.480
what's going on in your life. I don't want to
234
00:11:05.480 --> 00:11:08.200
tell you about this, you know. Number One, then I'm
235
00:11:08.200 --> 00:11:11.360
not perfect, you know. Then I'm not really as good
236
00:11:11.399 --> 00:11:13.480
as you think I am. And two, I'm just I
237
00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:15.720
feel so icky about it. I just don't want to
238
00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:16.120
share it.
239
00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:18.840
And we don't have to deal with it. You don't
240
00:11:18.879 --> 00:11:20.080
have to start my.
241
00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:22.600
Mess out there on the table, which actually is the
242
00:11:22.600 --> 00:11:24.960
best thing you can do right right, and then the
243
00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:27.559
mess sort of lights a lot. But I really did
244
00:11:27.600 --> 00:11:31.279
not understand until after my husband's death only five years ago,
245
00:11:31.480 --> 00:11:37.200
the connection between you know, isolating, shame, self judgment. It's
246
00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:40.320
all like one big messy ball. And then when we
247
00:11:40.480 --> 00:11:45.000
begin to share and the shame kind of lessons a
248
00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:47.519
little bit, and then we don't judge yourself so harshly.
249
00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:50.639
Oh my gosh, that's just like all the lights in
250
00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:51.919
heaven going on. You know.
251
00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:55.919
Well, everybody's got their junk. I got so much. Come on,
252
00:11:56.200 --> 00:11:56.960
I all started.
253
00:11:57.039 --> 00:11:59.759
I could start a junk junk place. I call those
254
00:12:00.120 --> 00:12:03.320
junk store, No, like a big old place in the
255
00:12:03.320 --> 00:12:03.919
earth where you.
256
00:12:07.440 --> 00:12:09.240
Yeah, there you go, there you go.
257
00:12:09.600 --> 00:12:12.120
Well, we all probably could, you know, like, everybody's got that,
258
00:12:12.200 --> 00:12:15.559
And you're right, shame keeps us hidden and keeps us
259
00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:20.000
from living in freedom and having joy. And and Ava's
260
00:12:20.039 --> 00:12:23.480
in a place where all these girls going through this program,
261
00:12:23.759 --> 00:12:25.559
they've all a lot of.
262
00:12:25.559 --> 00:12:26.679
Them are court ordered to be there.
263
00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:30.159
I mean they've they've gone through a lot, and they
264
00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:33.799
their job, their only job is to talk about it
265
00:12:33.879 --> 00:12:37.240
openly and to get well. So she's in great company
266
00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:41.440
and she's learned like, oh what else is there? This
267
00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:43.759
is freedom? Like I'm going to live in this freedom
268
00:12:44.279 --> 00:12:49.039
and it's it's yeah, I mean I would take this
269
00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:52.519
all day long over some you know, perfect life she's lived,
270
00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:55.600
or her trying to hide, you know, like, yeah, get
271
00:12:55.639 --> 00:12:56.879
it out, I'm not ashamed.
272
00:12:57.639 --> 00:12:59.919
Well, I think the other thing that shamee does to us,
273
00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:03.879
and I think it does it to us spiritually, and
274
00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:06.080
I believe it does it to us in our relationships
275
00:13:06.120 --> 00:13:09.039
with our partners, our children, our parents, whomever, our closest
276
00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:12.159
relationships are. You know when when you start holding everything
277
00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:14.799
and you don't share and you're so you know, you
278
00:13:14.840 --> 00:13:17.480
just feel like you're not it's it's not okay for
279
00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:19.320
you to share it. You're not good enough if you
280
00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:23.320
share it. You have no intimacy in your life, no
281
00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:27.480
emotional intimacy, no spiritual intimacy, because because how can you,
282
00:13:27.519 --> 00:13:29.360
because you're not being honest.
283
00:13:29.919 --> 00:13:30.480
Yeah.
284
00:13:30.519 --> 00:13:33.240
So I'd love to really unpack it, and I know
285
00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:35.679
we can't. But you just said the most profound thing
286
00:13:35.679 --> 00:13:37.360
a minute ago. And I don't know if I.
287
00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:40.840
Love being profound you.
288
00:13:41.399 --> 00:13:43.399
I don't get that that doesn't get said about me
289
00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:43.879
a whole lot.
290
00:13:43.960 --> 00:13:46.279
So well, I think it's all profound. What you do,
291
00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:48.879
you just wrap it in something and that everybody laughs that.
292
00:13:50.440 --> 00:13:52.080
So you're talking about you know, what you're going through,
293
00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:55.159
the menopausea and all the changes in your life and
294
00:13:55.200 --> 00:14:00.519
really beginning to understand that your identity was and a mom,
295
00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:03.960
you know, being creative, even all the stuff you went
296
00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:07.320
through with your mom, and it wasn't really just about
297
00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:12.039
who you are internally? Yeah, what does that feel like
298
00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:13.879
when you kind of lay all the cards on the
299
00:14:13.919 --> 00:14:18.200
table and go, Okay, I don't have to be in
300
00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:21.360
any of these things anymore. I'm just I'm kind of
301
00:14:21.399 --> 00:14:23.120
looking at a clean slate here.
302
00:14:23.480 --> 00:14:28.639
I feel very raw and there is freedom in it,
303
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:33.440
but there's also work in Like, well, what does that
304
00:14:33.480 --> 00:14:33.919
mean for me?
305
00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:37.080
Now? Who am I? Am? I good enough?
306
00:14:37.159 --> 00:14:37.480
Am I?
307
00:14:38.120 --> 00:14:38.399
You know?
308
00:14:38.759 --> 00:14:41.519
That is the question? That is the thing we put
309
00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:44.600
on ourselves. Yeah, but the truth is we were born
310
00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:45.559
good right.
311
00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:47.799
We were born good enough? Well.
312
00:14:47.799 --> 00:14:50.360
And also when you feel like there's something in your
313
00:14:50.360 --> 00:14:52.919
heart and I think we probably all have it, but
314
00:14:53.000 --> 00:14:55.320
not everybody. Maybe is it a place where they can
315
00:14:55.360 --> 00:14:57.559
tap in or get quiet. But I think when we
316
00:14:57.600 --> 00:15:00.720
get to a place where where we say, okay, God
317
00:15:00.759 --> 00:15:01.639
has created me.
318
00:15:01.600 --> 00:15:04.519
For this, this is the one thing that won't go
319
00:15:04.600 --> 00:15:05.879
away from me. What is it?
320
00:15:07.639 --> 00:15:11.799
And when you can when you can verbalize that, but
321
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:15.519
then you don't see it happening in your life. Trusting
322
00:15:15.559 --> 00:15:18.720
God for it is really hard trusting God for this
323
00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:21.759
thing that you think you're created for but it's not
324
00:15:21.879 --> 00:15:22.919
really come to fruition.
325
00:15:23.960 --> 00:15:25.240
That's a tough spot to be in.
326
00:15:25.559 --> 00:15:29.120
That's sad if you let it be, and sometimes I
327
00:15:29.279 --> 00:15:31.799
let it be, I mean I do. It takes a
328
00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:34.879
lot for me to pull myself out of that. You know,
329
00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:36.879
I'm like, hey, I may be funny on a stage,
330
00:15:36.879 --> 00:15:39.080
but my husband will be the first one to tell you, like,
331
00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:42.039
I ain't always funny, you know, like I'll wallow in
332
00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:44.600
it for a minute. And I think we all tend
333
00:15:44.679 --> 00:15:49.000
to do that, but remembering who I actually am, what
334
00:15:49.039 --> 00:15:52.120
I feel God's created me for, even if it's for
335
00:15:52.480 --> 00:15:54.279
I'm gonna go rock these babies in the neck you
336
00:15:54.600 --> 00:15:56.080
or I'm gonna be here to take care of my
337
00:15:56.440 --> 00:15:58.960
grandkids or whatever it is, it doesn't have to be
338
00:15:59.080 --> 00:16:03.759
on a stage. I think getting okay with that. And
339
00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:06.600
until God brings it, you know, to.
340
00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:10.000
The forefront of your life. That's I think that's where
341
00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:12.120
the magic's at. But I haven't quite created it yet.
342
00:16:12.120 --> 00:16:14.000
I'm getting there, you know, I'm working towards it.
343
00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:16.320
Oh, I totally understand and get it because I mean
344
00:16:16.759 --> 00:16:18.240
a lot of times I do feel like I'm just
345
00:16:18.279 --> 00:16:20.720
treading water. Yeah, there's so much that I would love
346
00:16:20.759 --> 00:16:23.519
to do creatively. There's so much I feel called to do.
347
00:16:23.960 --> 00:16:26.919
But as you say, but nothing's happening. I can't see
348
00:16:26.919 --> 00:16:29.519
anything changing, and so I'm in there and it's like
349
00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:32.440
all my juices want to be way over.
350
00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:33.200
There doing this thing.
351
00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:38.200
And I think for women our age, you know, we
352
00:16:38.279 --> 00:16:41.279
strive so hard when we're young to do the thing
353
00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:44.639
or be the thing. I absolutely have the career, and
354
00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:47.440
then I think when you get here, you're like, you
355
00:16:47.480 --> 00:16:48.240
know something too.
356
00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:52.360
I'm talking like ninety miles an hour. But I love that.
357
00:16:52.440 --> 00:16:54.840
I think too. You know, when kids are little, we
358
00:16:54.919 --> 00:16:56.279
go what do you want to be when you grow up?
359
00:16:56.799 --> 00:17:00.000
And I'm realizing, like I have been a thousand things
360
00:17:00.879 --> 00:17:02.759
that I didn't know I was going to be, and
361
00:17:02.799 --> 00:17:04.680
so I don't even ask myself that anyone.
362
00:17:04.680 --> 00:17:08.279
I'm like, God, what do you want me to do next?
363
00:17:08.960 --> 00:17:12.480
Or in this moment? Like what is it? Because it's
364
00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:13.119
liable to change.
365
00:17:13.160 --> 00:17:14.319
I mean, I never thought I was going to be
366
00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:17.160
in comedy, and we didn't go much down the comedy.
367
00:17:17.400 --> 00:17:20.680
I wanted to be funnier Honestly, it's not funny at all.
368
00:17:20.759 --> 00:17:24.000
You just is not funny. Been terrible. This is terrible.
369
00:17:25.359 --> 00:17:29.200
People might have even cried, they did not laugh. For sure,
370
00:17:29.799 --> 00:17:31.279
they have not left.
371
00:17:30.759 --> 00:17:33.519
I failed. You watch a video. I don't know what
372
00:17:33.599 --> 00:17:33.880
to take.
373
00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:36.680
Well, when you were a worship leader, did you feel
374
00:17:36.680 --> 00:17:40.759
called to that one hundred percent? So when the comedy
375
00:17:40.799 --> 00:17:45.359
thing happened, was there a calling in it? No, ma'am,
376
00:17:45.799 --> 00:17:46.359
is there now?
377
00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:49.880
Yes, I see the purpose in it now. But but
378
00:17:49.960 --> 00:17:54.720
in the moment, nothing I was doing had was part
379
00:17:54.759 --> 00:17:58.119
of the plan. You know. I was working a desk job,
380
00:17:58.400 --> 00:18:00.599
I was back in my hometown. I was going the divorce,
381
00:18:00.640 --> 00:18:02.680
and like, none of that was I wasn't doing worship
382
00:18:02.720 --> 00:18:03.160
at that time.
383
00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:04.960
It's hard to do. It's hard to lead worship and
384
00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:06.960
while you're crying the whole time. That's a tough gig.
385
00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:09.240
That's so I laid that down for a minute. Son.
386
00:18:09.519 --> 00:18:11.559
Nothing I was doing was making sense anyway.
387
00:18:12.440 --> 00:18:16.400
And when this started happening, I even said to God, like,
388
00:18:16.920 --> 00:18:19.319
please don't, please, don't.
389
00:18:19.640 --> 00:18:21.319
This is not what I wanted to be known for.
390
00:18:21.480 --> 00:18:24.079
I l I was like, Lord, I knew something was coming.
391
00:18:24.599 --> 00:18:26.000
This was not this is not it.
392
00:18:26.839 --> 00:18:28.640
I don't want to be known for this filter face, like,
393
00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:32.200
shame on you, Lord, But it was so obvious that.
394
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:33.839
This was the direction I was supposed to go.
395
00:18:34.359 --> 00:18:38.039
The door was open, and I really I went to
396
00:18:38.119 --> 00:18:40.880
the very edge and was like, uh uh, somebody's got
397
00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:42.160
to kick me through this door.
398
00:18:42.839 --> 00:18:43.519
You got kicked.
399
00:18:43.559 --> 00:18:46.319
I got kicked, and I did. I said, Okay, God,
400
00:18:46.759 --> 00:18:48.559
I will give it a go. If this is what
401
00:18:48.599 --> 00:18:50.960
you want me to do, which I'm sure it's not,
402
00:18:52.119 --> 00:18:54.720
but let's just try it out your let's do it
403
00:18:54.799 --> 00:19:00.960
your way. Then I was like, oh, the purpose is
404
00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:08.759
not for me to sing and touch people in this
405
00:19:09.000 --> 00:19:09.640
certain way.
406
00:19:10.640 --> 00:19:18.279
It's just to touch people however. I'll be available and
407
00:19:18.359 --> 00:19:22.400
however God wants me to do it. And man, surrendering
408
00:19:22.440 --> 00:19:23.839
to that is not fun.
409
00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:27.799
Surrender because it is it's just this what I'm not
410
00:19:27.839 --> 00:19:30.359
in control. Obviously we know we're not anyway, but we
411
00:19:30.440 --> 00:19:33.119
have this illusion of control, you know. And so giving
412
00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:35.400
that over was really hard for me. And it was
413
00:19:35.440 --> 00:19:40.279
a pride swallowing siege, which I think I just heard
414
00:19:40.279 --> 00:19:46.240
in the movie recently, and so yeah, it was really
415
00:19:46.319 --> 00:19:47.759
tough to give into that.
416
00:19:47.960 --> 00:19:50.880
But now you know I'm able to.
417
00:19:51.640 --> 00:19:54.519
And and look I'm to be really honest, I don't
418
00:19:54.519 --> 00:19:55.759
really feel like I'm a comedian.
419
00:19:56.039 --> 00:19:56.359
I don't.
420
00:19:56.720 --> 00:19:58.640
It's hard for me to call myself that because am
421
00:19:58.720 --> 00:20:00.880
I funny? Yeah, I'm pretty funny.
422
00:20:01.359 --> 00:20:03.799
But really, what I want to do is just make
423
00:20:03.839 --> 00:20:06.160
you feel normal. I just want to make women feel
424
00:20:06.160 --> 00:20:08.440
normal and men. But you know I'm a woman, So
425
00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:10.640
I want to get on stage and just tell you
426
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:12.920
about my kids and tell you what I've gone through
427
00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:14.359
and tell you in a funny way.
428
00:20:14.680 --> 00:20:17.759
So the way you do, yeah.
429
00:20:17.440 --> 00:20:20.119
You do, and you make you make all the things
430
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:23.839
that we judge ourselves about, Okay, you strip away the
431
00:20:23.880 --> 00:20:25.079
way we judge ourselves.
432
00:20:25.160 --> 00:20:25.720
Thank you for it.
433
00:20:25.839 --> 00:20:27.039
It's amazing.
434
00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:30.240
Thank you. That's the hope. It's all I can ask for.
435
00:20:30.599 --> 00:20:32.920
It's a ministry, Yes it is.
436
00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:36.880
It's a ministry, and I definitely can say now like
437
00:20:37.599 --> 00:20:38.599
I'm calling to it.
438
00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:41.839
Because just what you said today, so many people are
439
00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:45.519
going to go she did it again. I feel normal,
440
00:20:45.720 --> 00:20:48.400
I hope because of what she's going through. Because I've
441
00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:50.119
been over here trying to do this thing on my
442
00:20:50.200 --> 00:20:53.079
own and wondering why I feel so horrible and blaming
443
00:20:53.160 --> 00:20:56.359
myself for it. And here's Heather Land who's got it
444
00:20:56.400 --> 00:20:58.359
all together everywhere, and she just made it normal.
445
00:20:58.160 --> 00:21:00.720
For me, which I love that. That's the illusion that
446
00:21:00.759 --> 00:21:03.400
I have it all together. I mean, it's a hot mess.
447
00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:05.440
It's because you're on a stage, all right.
448
00:21:05.720 --> 00:21:08.400
We're also with a little bit of a stage that
449
00:21:08.440 --> 00:21:09.319
we've got it together.
450
00:21:09.400 --> 00:21:10.640
We don't smoke in mirrors.
451
00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:13.039
You know. It's that sixty minutes of that show that.
452
00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:15.920
We haven't together. Maybe yeah, you know it's true.
453
00:21:16.319 --> 00:21:20.359
But you've got a voice for people, and you you normalize,
454
00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:21.559
you strip away judgment.
455
00:21:21.599 --> 00:21:24.279
I love it, I hope. So yeah, thank you for that.
456
00:21:24.720 --> 00:21:26.680
Thank you so much for being here today, thank you
457
00:21:26.680 --> 00:21:29.680
for having thank you for your vulnerability. We'll do another one.
458
00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:30.359
It will be all fun.
459
00:21:30.440 --> 00:21:30.839
Let's do it.
460
00:21:30.920 --> 00:21:31.720
I won't ask anything.
461
00:21:31.759 --> 00:21:32.400
Let's bad.
462
00:21:32.480 --> 00:21:35.359
Question can be in a better direction next time.
463
00:21:36.359 --> 00:21:39.319
The tears out and it was great to be here.
464
00:21:39.640 --> 00:21:42.119
I love Thank you, Sorry, thank you,
1
00:00:07.759 --> 00:00:09.359
So I'm curious.
2
00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:17.199
In the midst of all of that, you created comedy,
3
00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:19.640
I think unintentionally.
4
00:00:20.640 --> 00:00:22.359
Yes, what was the question?
5
00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:28.120
I don't remember. Menopause. It's real, so real, talking about
6
00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:34.159
Can we talk about menopause? Listen, it's where me out? Yeah, No,
7
00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:36.039
I don't know what I talked about yesterday.
8
00:00:36.320 --> 00:00:38.320
I know we were talking about being funny.
9
00:00:38.479 --> 00:00:40.840
Yes, we were talking about being funny, shocker and pain
10
00:00:41.159 --> 00:00:41.560
and pain.
11
00:00:41.799 --> 00:00:44.320
Yes, I mean, I think you don't like your cry
12
00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:46.960
I got back there. I do this from the stage.
13
00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:47.840
I'm like what we say.
14
00:00:47.840 --> 00:00:53.039
Oh yeah, yeah, I think I think it's innate in me.
15
00:00:53.320 --> 00:00:55.840
My mom's funny, so I think, which I didn't really know,
16
00:00:55.920 --> 00:00:58.240
but I think that's curious.
17
00:00:58.759 --> 00:01:01.679
I love this story. It's great. And my kids are
18
00:01:01.719 --> 00:01:03.200
both very witty.
19
00:01:03.520 --> 00:01:06.159
My son is extremely witty. But yeah, I think I
20
00:01:06.200 --> 00:01:07.719
think you have to laugh at yourself.
21
00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:08.040
Man.
22
00:01:08.200 --> 00:01:10.599
I just I'm the first one if you ever come
23
00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:13.280
to my show, like I'm I'm a self deprecator all.
24
00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:13.920
Oh, all the way.
25
00:01:13.959 --> 00:01:15.599
I mean, I've listened to so many of your shows.
26
00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:17.560
Hey, I'm gonna get myself before you get me. You
27
00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:19.599
know what I mean exactly, But also like, yeah, we
28
00:01:19.640 --> 00:01:21.799
have to laugh about it. Otherwise I would be curled
29
00:01:21.840 --> 00:01:23.519
up in the fetal position in the corner of the
30
00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:26.239
room eating pills. I think too, I didn't have this
31
00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:30.120
in my first marriage. I had so much going on
32
00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:34.680
there that I didn't experience this. But but me and
33
00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:37.879
my husband have so much fun together. We laugh all
34
00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:41.000
the time, Like I swear by it. I'm like, it
35
00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:44.480
keeps us connected, it keeps things fun and light. And
36
00:01:44.560 --> 00:01:48.439
I am so serious and I hate that about myself.
37
00:01:48.439 --> 00:01:50.959
I don't like that about myself either. But you're funny
38
00:01:50.959 --> 00:01:53.319
and I'm not funny, so you know, you can still
39
00:01:53.359 --> 00:01:54.120
have a serious side.
40
00:01:54.239 --> 00:01:55.560
I'm just way too serious.
41
00:01:55.879 --> 00:01:57.959
I don't know though, I mean, because when I go there,
42
00:01:58.040 --> 00:01:59.719
I go harden the paint, you know, and I have
43
00:01:59.760 --> 00:02:02.120
to remind myself to lighten up.
44
00:02:03.280 --> 00:02:06.519
But yeah, having that with my husband, he's he's He's
45
00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:07.359
a good.
46
00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:10.800
Perpetually positive human being, which I desperately need in my life.
47
00:02:10.840 --> 00:02:12.360
And and so what pulls that out of me? I
48
00:02:12.439 --> 00:02:16.919
want to yell at yeah, stop it, stop being positive.
49
00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:21.520
But if we were both negative. But then sometimes I think,
50
00:02:21.560 --> 00:02:23.280
but what am I bringing to the table? You know,
51
00:02:23.319 --> 00:02:26.240
I know what he brings, but like, how is my negativity.
52
00:02:26.599 --> 00:02:28.560
You know, how is this a positive thing? I like
53
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:30.680
to say I keep him grounded. That's probably not true,
54
00:02:30.719 --> 00:02:34.719
but that's by I tell myself, keep him grounded. We'll see, Okay.
55
00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:36.520
So I wish he was here he could speak for himself.
56
00:02:36.560 --> 00:02:39.560
So before we started talking on camera, you know, I
57
00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:42.360
said to you or we talked about some of the
58
00:02:42.479 --> 00:02:46.360
questions that I thought about asking, and one of them
59
00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:48.520
was something about, you know, what's next, what's you know?
60
00:02:48.520 --> 00:02:51.120
What are you you know, looking forward to working on creatively?
61
00:02:51.159 --> 00:02:53.080
And you said nothing.
62
00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:59.120
Yeah, I'm mentopol It's all great. I mean, I mean
63
00:02:59.159 --> 00:03:03.319
the truth is when it starts and we have so
64
00:03:03.439 --> 00:03:07.080
many female viewers, yeah, or just sitting in the middle
65
00:03:07.080 --> 00:03:10.280
of that, there's just this flatness that happens.
66
00:03:10.599 --> 00:03:12.599
Well said, it's terrible.
67
00:03:12.759 --> 00:03:15.439
You lose your you lose all your spark.
68
00:03:15.960 --> 00:03:20.439
Yes, I feel that everything feels muddy to me. It's
69
00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:22.639
like early pregnancy all my my brain.
70
00:03:22.800 --> 00:03:25.280
Yes, but I don't even think I was this bad
71
00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:28.080
darn pregnancy. And here's why, because I had a focus.
72
00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:30.840
I'm like, Okay, I got this baby. I got to
73
00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:32.800
read all the books, I got to learn all the things,
74
00:03:32.840 --> 00:03:35.479
I got to do this. Well, you know, and if
75
00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:40.319
I'm being really honest, pre menopause, which is what I'm in.
76
00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:44.080
Perimenopause and a lot of other life things happened to
77
00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:48.719
me within a couple of years and then it my
78
00:03:48.759 --> 00:03:50.280
eyes open and I was like, oh, I'm in the
79
00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:53.280
middle of the trenches, and that I kind of am
80
00:03:53.360 --> 00:03:55.680
still in it, but I'm starting to have some more hope.
81
00:03:56.639 --> 00:03:58.560
But it takes more work for me to have hope
82
00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:01.159
in my older age because I think my hormones are
83
00:04:01.240 --> 00:04:05.039
they affect me right, they affect us and we feel crazy.
84
00:04:05.159 --> 00:04:08.000
We don't know why, there's just so much coming at us.
85
00:04:08.439 --> 00:04:14.360
Feel I don't feel creative right now. I do struggle
86
00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:15.840
with what is my career doing?
87
00:04:16.120 --> 00:04:17.240
R what in the world.
88
00:04:17.240 --> 00:04:19.000
Half the time I'm in churches, half the time I'm
89
00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:21.279
in a comedy club. Half the time I want to
90
00:04:21.319 --> 00:04:23.920
write and be inspirational, and then the other rest of
91
00:04:23.959 --> 00:04:25.519
the time I want to sit and watch the cooking
92
00:04:25.560 --> 00:04:26.560
chain of the Food Network.
93
00:04:26.600 --> 00:04:27.600
I mean, you know what I mean.
94
00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:30.360
Or I want to get up at noon. My body
95
00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:35.040
is tired. My kids have left. I've got a son
96
00:04:35.160 --> 00:04:37.560
who's twenty two, Noah, he's about to get married. My
97
00:04:37.639 --> 00:04:40.879
daughter Ava turns nineteen yesterday. She is in the same
98
00:04:41.800 --> 00:04:44.040
rehab that my mom got clean at.
99
00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:51.240
She's doing great. I'm so proud of We just love her, right,
100
00:04:51.439 --> 00:04:52.160
It's wonderful.
101
00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:55.040
But all these things, you know, my kids leave, and
102
00:04:55.160 --> 00:04:57.480
I used to be a worship leader number one, I'm
103
00:04:57.480 --> 00:05:00.040
not anymore. Now I'm doing comedy, which I didn't and
104
00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:05.720
you know, anticipate my hormones have messed my voice up,
105
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:06.720
so I can't sing.
106
00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:08.199
So all these things.
107
00:05:07.959 --> 00:05:11.560
That defined me for so long, I don't have those anymore.
108
00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:13.920
And I don't think I realized how much of what
109
00:05:14.079 --> 00:05:18.079
I did defined me rather than who I am, And
110
00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:19.879
so I'm having to find that again.
111
00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:20.720
But there's so.
112
00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:25.920
Much up here and in here, and so much of
113
00:05:26.040 --> 00:05:28.560
my purpose that I'm still trying to figure out. But what.
114
00:05:28.959 --> 00:05:31.000
And I told Tasha this on the way, I said,
115
00:05:31.160 --> 00:05:33.920
you know, one thing I'm realizing is no matter how
116
00:05:33.959 --> 00:05:37.000
I feel, no matter how hopeless I feel, no matter
117
00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:41.240
how uncreative I feel, no matter the lack of purpose
118
00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:43.319
that I feel, none of it changes.
119
00:05:45.639 --> 00:05:47.759
God's playing for my life. Yeah, and I don't know
120
00:05:47.800 --> 00:05:51.160
what that is at fifty. I'm almost fifty next month
121
00:05:51.720 --> 00:05:54.839
in januarygeous.
122
00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:55.680
By the way, thank you.
123
00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:56.879
You are to tell me again later.
124
00:05:58.360 --> 00:05:58.720
Gorgeous.
125
00:05:59.120 --> 00:05:59.439
Okay.
126
00:06:00.120 --> 00:06:03.120
I mean I just never anticipated being here. I've always
127
00:06:03.120 --> 00:06:05.279
had a purpose. I've always had I'm going to be
128
00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:07.319
a worship leader. I'm going to be a mom. Now
129
00:06:07.319 --> 00:06:08.839
I'm going to be a single mom. Now I have
130
00:06:08.920 --> 00:06:10.920
to provide. Now I'm going to be a comedian. And
131
00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:13.160
now I'm like, now what am I going to do?
132
00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:16.279
I don't think I saw myself being forty nine.
133
00:06:16.920 --> 00:06:20.279
You know, I knew I saw women this age.
134
00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:22.680
I saw my grandmother, I saw her lose her hair,
135
00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:26.319
her hair get thin. I saw women go through stages
136
00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:28.160
where they didn't care where they were tired.
137
00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:31.600
But I never put myself in that position. Thought I'm
138
00:06:31.600 --> 00:06:32.600
going to be that one day.
139
00:06:32.879 --> 00:06:34.759
But I told somebody the other day, I said, I
140
00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:37.480
see how women become Karen's sorry.
141
00:06:37.160 --> 00:06:39.639
To all you women named Karen. It's really terrible that
142
00:06:39.839 --> 00:06:41.360
your name got pegged for that.
143
00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:45.920
But I'm like women, we get so tired and so exhausted,
144
00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:48.560
and I think one day we just go I'm done here,
145
00:06:48.920 --> 00:06:50.360
I don't care, and you're my target.
146
00:06:50.519 --> 00:06:52.079
Yeah, you know. So I have a little bit more
147
00:06:52.120 --> 00:06:52.759
grace though.
148
00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:55.639
And then I understand how women, old women just say
149
00:06:55.680 --> 00:06:56.360
anything they.
150
00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:59.600
Want and look anyway they want. Stop stop doing the hair.
151
00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:02.519
I don't care. Forget about self, forget it.
152
00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:05.480
I mean, listen the fact that I'm still self tanning
153
00:07:05.480 --> 00:07:06.199
at forty nine.
154
00:07:06.600 --> 00:07:08.079
I mean I'm a catch.
155
00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:12.000
My husband will tell you clearly. Yeah, I mean it's
156
00:07:12.079 --> 00:07:14.079
just I see, I see. Now.
157
00:07:14.120 --> 00:07:16.360
I'm like, oh, we're tired.
158
00:07:17.279 --> 00:07:20.160
We're tired. We don't even know half the reasons we're tired.
159
00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:22.920
So I think giving myself some grace, and.
160
00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:24.959
I think giving yourself a lot. Oh, I need a
161
00:07:24.959 --> 00:07:25.360
lot of it.
162
00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:30.600
Yeah, you know, I wanted to go back to two things. One,
163
00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:35.639
what's what was the origin of what happened with Ava?
164
00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:40.680
You know, we, uh, we had a lot of struggles
165
00:07:40.720 --> 00:07:46.000
for a lot of years, and you know, I could
166
00:07:46.120 --> 00:07:48.480
unpack this a thousand ways, and we don't have all
167
00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:52.439
all that time. But I think that divorce was hard
168
00:07:52.480 --> 00:07:56.079
on my kids. I also think that my marriage at
169
00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:58.120
that time was hard on my kids. I think staying
170
00:07:58.120 --> 00:08:00.160
would have been hard on my kids. Right, So the
171
00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:04.000
best we can. I have two kids that have handled
172
00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:06.600
it in different ways, right, because everybody's different. But when
173
00:08:06.600 --> 00:08:12.120
Ava was thirteen, she started asking questions and I started
174
00:08:12.120 --> 00:08:17.800
giving her some answers, and the reality of some of
175
00:08:17.800 --> 00:08:20.560
those answers became very hard for her. Even just divorce
176
00:08:20.600 --> 00:08:23.120
in general was hard for her. So we had her
177
00:08:23.160 --> 00:08:27.319
in therapy for years early on, and she would do great,
178
00:08:27.560 --> 00:08:31.160
but she just had these tendencies.
179
00:08:30.519 --> 00:08:33.679
To self destruct. I'm so sorry.
180
00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:37.360
Yeah we are too, but you know what, she's taking
181
00:08:37.399 --> 00:08:38.960
it and she's working with it.
182
00:08:39.080 --> 00:08:42.360
We got to a place she graduated.
183
00:08:41.879 --> 00:08:44.519
In May from high school, and right before then we
184
00:08:44.559 --> 00:08:47.600
would go through like six month periods where we would.
185
00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:48.519
Find things out.
186
00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:51.039
We think she's doing great, we think things are one way,
187
00:08:51.200 --> 00:08:53.240
and all of a sudden we find out like, oh,
188
00:08:53.360 --> 00:08:56.240
things are not as we thought. And finally we just
189
00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:59.240
the four parents got together and we were like, we're
190
00:08:59.240 --> 00:09:03.080
out of tools. We've done therapy. You know, I've done therapy.
191
00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:05.440
I'm goodness gracious. I became a life coach, and I
192
00:09:05.480 --> 00:09:07.679
you know, I can't even help my own daughter. She
193
00:09:07.759 --> 00:09:09.720
needs more than we can give her. And my mom said,
194
00:09:09.799 --> 00:09:11.679
I'm telling you, get her into Women of Hope.
195
00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:14.639
It changed my life. And they had one bed open.
196
00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:18.720
The one bed open that was divine. Yeah, but how
197
00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:20.759
curious that you know that you had to go through
198
00:09:20.840 --> 00:09:24.519
such a long journey with your mom, and that journey
199
00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:27.960
became such a definitive journey for your self work right,
200
00:09:28.360 --> 00:09:31.799
you know, and how you you built your strength, and
201
00:09:31.799 --> 00:09:34.279
then that your mom comes around healed.
202
00:09:35.159 --> 00:09:35.720
Giving.
203
00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:41.080
Full circles, full circle for sure, what a gift. But
204
00:09:41.279 --> 00:09:45.000
her addiction ended up being you know, all that she
205
00:09:45.039 --> 00:09:45.639
had gone through.
206
00:09:45.799 --> 00:09:47.600
Well to me, I don't know if I'm right about this,
207
00:09:48.919 --> 00:09:53.600
but I would think in Ava's situation, she could look
208
00:09:53.639 --> 00:09:56.159
at what happened with her grandmother. One, there's hope, right,
209
00:09:56.200 --> 00:09:59.600
you know, One there can be healing, redemption, you can't
210
00:09:59.600 --> 00:10:01.960
get clean and sober. But the other thing, she didn't
211
00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:03.559
have to carry all the shame. She wasn't the only
212
00:10:03.559 --> 00:10:05.840
one of the family you ever had that, right, you know?
213
00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:07.759
Since right, I would hope that some of the shame
214
00:10:07.799 --> 00:10:10.360
would fall off. Yes, and it has because of her grandmother.
215
00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:14.159
Well, and my mother says, because I've asked her, how
216
00:10:14.159 --> 00:10:16.799
are you able what's different now? Because you would get
217
00:10:16.840 --> 00:10:18.840
clean for a few years and then you'd always go back.
218
00:10:19.080 --> 00:10:22.279
Why are you able to stay sober? And her immediate
219
00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:25.559
answer is, because I finally quit living in shame. The
220
00:10:25.639 --> 00:10:29.399
shame always sent me back, And Ava recently said to me,
221
00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:31.279
you tell anybody whatever you want.
222
00:10:31.679 --> 00:10:34.120
I do not live in shame. I am proud of myself.
223
00:10:34.159 --> 00:10:37.759
I love that. So what an inspiration. Now at nineteen,
224
00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:41.240
she's she's gonna change the world. She's gonna change Yeah,
225
00:10:41.320 --> 00:10:43.559
she's got a story that's incredible.
226
00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:45.000
But I so believe that.
227
00:10:45.039 --> 00:10:45.919
I mean, I've had.
228
00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:49.399
Periods of my life where I just was riddled with shame. Yeah,
229
00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:54.240
but I was so upset hurt about you know, and.
230
00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:57.039
I so you know, internalized it. Did that.
231
00:10:57.159 --> 00:11:00.320
Plus then it would isolate because I did I didn't
232
00:11:00.360 --> 00:11:03.159
want to sit with friends and kind of you know,
233
00:11:03.279 --> 00:11:05.480
what's going on in your life. I don't want to
234
00:11:05.480 --> 00:11:08.200
tell you about this, you know. Number One, then I'm
235
00:11:08.200 --> 00:11:11.360
not perfect, you know. Then I'm not really as good
236
00:11:11.399 --> 00:11:13.480
as you think I am. And two, I'm just I
237
00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:15.720
feel so icky about it. I just don't want to
238
00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:16.120
share it.
239
00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:18.840
And we don't have to deal with it. You don't
240
00:11:18.879 --> 00:11:20.080
have to start my.
241
00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:22.600
Mess out there on the table, which actually is the
242
00:11:22.600 --> 00:11:24.960
best thing you can do right right, and then the
243
00:11:25.000 --> 00:11:27.559
mess sort of lights a lot. But I really did
244
00:11:27.600 --> 00:11:31.279
not understand until after my husband's death only five years ago,
245
00:11:31.480 --> 00:11:37.200
the connection between you know, isolating, shame, self judgment. It's
246
00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:40.320
all like one big messy ball. And then when we
247
00:11:40.480 --> 00:11:45.000
begin to share and the shame kind of lessons a
248
00:11:45.039 --> 00:11:47.519
little bit, and then we don't judge yourself so harshly.
249
00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:50.639
Oh my gosh, that's just like all the lights in
250
00:11:50.720 --> 00:11:51.919
heaven going on. You know.
251
00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:55.919
Well, everybody's got their junk. I got so much. Come on,
252
00:11:56.200 --> 00:11:56.960
I all started.
253
00:11:57.039 --> 00:11:59.759
I could start a junk junk place. I call those
254
00:12:00.120 --> 00:12:03.320
junk store, No, like a big old place in the
255
00:12:03.320 --> 00:12:03.919
earth where you.
256
00:12:07.440 --> 00:12:09.240
Yeah, there you go, there you go.
257
00:12:09.600 --> 00:12:12.120
Well, we all probably could, you know, like, everybody's got that,
258
00:12:12.200 --> 00:12:15.559
And you're right, shame keeps us hidden and keeps us
259
00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:20.000
from living in freedom and having joy. And and Ava's
260
00:12:20.039 --> 00:12:23.480
in a place where all these girls going through this program,
261
00:12:23.759 --> 00:12:25.559
they've all a lot of.
262
00:12:25.559 --> 00:12:26.679
Them are court ordered to be there.
263
00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:30.159
I mean they've they've gone through a lot, and they
264
00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:33.799
their job, their only job is to talk about it
265
00:12:33.879 --> 00:12:37.240
openly and to get well. So she's in great company
266
00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:41.440
and she's learned like, oh what else is there? This
267
00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:43.759
is freedom? Like I'm going to live in this freedom
268
00:12:44.279 --> 00:12:49.039
and it's it's yeah, I mean I would take this
269
00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:52.519
all day long over some you know, perfect life she's lived,
270
00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:55.600
or her trying to hide, you know, like, yeah, get
271
00:12:55.639 --> 00:12:56.879
it out, I'm not ashamed.
272
00:12:57.639 --> 00:12:59.919
Well, I think the other thing that shamee does to us,
273
00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:03.879
and I think it does it to us spiritually, and
274
00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:06.080
I believe it does it to us in our relationships
275
00:13:06.120 --> 00:13:09.039
with our partners, our children, our parents, whomever, our closest
276
00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:12.159
relationships are. You know when when you start holding everything
277
00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:14.799
and you don't share and you're so you know, you
278
00:13:14.840 --> 00:13:17.480
just feel like you're not it's it's not okay for
279
00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:19.320
you to share it. You're not good enough if you
280
00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:23.320
share it. You have no intimacy in your life, no
281
00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:27.480
emotional intimacy, no spiritual intimacy, because because how can you,
282
00:13:27.519 --> 00:13:29.360
because you're not being honest.
283
00:13:29.919 --> 00:13:30.480
Yeah.
284
00:13:30.519 --> 00:13:33.240
So I'd love to really unpack it, and I know
285
00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:35.679
we can't. But you just said the most profound thing
286
00:13:35.679 --> 00:13:37.360
a minute ago. And I don't know if I.
287
00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:40.840
Love being profound you.
288
00:13:41.399 --> 00:13:43.399
I don't get that that doesn't get said about me
289
00:13:43.399 --> 00:13:43.879
a whole lot.
290
00:13:43.960 --> 00:13:46.279
So well, I think it's all profound. What you do,
291
00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:48.879
you just wrap it in something and that everybody laughs that.
292
00:13:50.440 --> 00:13:52.080
So you're talking about you know, what you're going through,
293
00:13:52.080 --> 00:13:55.159
the menopausea and all the changes in your life and
294
00:13:55.200 --> 00:14:00.519
really beginning to understand that your identity was and a mom,
295
00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:03.960
you know, being creative, even all the stuff you went
296
00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:07.320
through with your mom, and it wasn't really just about
297
00:14:07.360 --> 00:14:12.039
who you are internally? Yeah, what does that feel like
298
00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:13.879
when you kind of lay all the cards on the
299
00:14:13.919 --> 00:14:18.200
table and go, Okay, I don't have to be in
300
00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:21.360
any of these things anymore. I'm just I'm kind of
301
00:14:21.399 --> 00:14:23.120
looking at a clean slate here.
302
00:14:23.480 --> 00:14:28.639
I feel very raw and there is freedom in it,
303
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:33.440
but there's also work in Like, well, what does that
304
00:14:33.480 --> 00:14:33.919
mean for me?
305
00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:37.080
Now? Who am I? Am? I good enough?
306
00:14:37.159 --> 00:14:37.480
Am I?
307
00:14:38.120 --> 00:14:38.399
You know?
308
00:14:38.759 --> 00:14:41.519
That is the question? That is the thing we put
309
00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:44.600
on ourselves. Yeah, but the truth is we were born
310
00:14:44.639 --> 00:14:45.559
good right.
311
00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:47.799
We were born good enough? Well.
312
00:14:47.799 --> 00:14:50.360
And also when you feel like there's something in your
313
00:14:50.360 --> 00:14:52.919
heart and I think we probably all have it, but
314
00:14:53.000 --> 00:14:55.320
not everybody. Maybe is it a place where they can
315
00:14:55.360 --> 00:14:57.559
tap in or get quiet. But I think when we
316
00:14:57.600 --> 00:15:00.720
get to a place where where we say, okay, God
317
00:15:00.759 --> 00:15:01.639
has created me.
318
00:15:01.600 --> 00:15:04.519
For this, this is the one thing that won't go
319
00:15:04.600 --> 00:15:05.879
away from me. What is it?
320
00:15:07.639 --> 00:15:11.799
And when you can when you can verbalize that, but
321
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:15.519
then you don't see it happening in your life. Trusting
322
00:15:15.559 --> 00:15:18.720
God for it is really hard trusting God for this
323
00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:21.759
thing that you think you're created for but it's not
324
00:15:21.879 --> 00:15:22.919
really come to fruition.
325
00:15:23.960 --> 00:15:25.240
That's a tough spot to be in.
326
00:15:25.559 --> 00:15:29.120
That's sad if you let it be, and sometimes I
327
00:15:29.279 --> 00:15:31.799
let it be, I mean I do. It takes a
328
00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:34.879
lot for me to pull myself out of that. You know,
329
00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:36.879
I'm like, hey, I may be funny on a stage,
330
00:15:36.879 --> 00:15:39.080
but my husband will be the first one to tell you, like,
331
00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:42.039
I ain't always funny, you know, like I'll wallow in
332
00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:44.600
it for a minute. And I think we all tend
333
00:15:44.679 --> 00:15:49.000
to do that, but remembering who I actually am, what
334
00:15:49.039 --> 00:15:52.120
I feel God's created me for, even if it's for
335
00:15:52.480 --> 00:15:54.279
I'm gonna go rock these babies in the neck you
336
00:15:54.600 --> 00:15:56.080
or I'm gonna be here to take care of my
337
00:15:56.440 --> 00:15:58.960
grandkids or whatever it is, it doesn't have to be
338
00:15:59.080 --> 00:16:03.759
on a stage. I think getting okay with that. And
339
00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:06.600
until God brings it, you know, to.
340
00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:10.000
The forefront of your life. That's I think that's where
341
00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:12.120
the magic's at. But I haven't quite created it yet.
342
00:16:12.120 --> 00:16:14.000
I'm getting there, you know, I'm working towards it.
343
00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:16.320
Oh, I totally understand and get it because I mean
344
00:16:16.759 --> 00:16:18.240
a lot of times I do feel like I'm just
345
00:16:18.279 --> 00:16:20.720
treading water. Yeah, there's so much that I would love
346
00:16:20.759 --> 00:16:23.519
to do creatively. There's so much I feel called to do.
347
00:16:23.960 --> 00:16:26.919
But as you say, but nothing's happening. I can't see
348
00:16:26.919 --> 00:16:29.519
anything changing, and so I'm in there and it's like
349
00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:32.440
all my juices want to be way over.
350
00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:33.200
There doing this thing.
351
00:16:34.240 --> 00:16:38.200
And I think for women our age, you know, we
352
00:16:38.279 --> 00:16:41.279
strive so hard when we're young to do the thing
353
00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:44.639
or be the thing. I absolutely have the career, and
354
00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:47.440
then I think when you get here, you're like, you
355
00:16:47.480 --> 00:16:48.240
know something too.
356
00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:52.360
I'm talking like ninety miles an hour. But I love that.
357
00:16:52.440 --> 00:16:54.840
I think too. You know, when kids are little, we
358
00:16:54.919 --> 00:16:56.279
go what do you want to be when you grow up?
359
00:16:56.799 --> 00:17:00.000
And I'm realizing, like I have been a thousand things
360
00:17:00.879 --> 00:17:02.759
that I didn't know I was going to be, and
361
00:17:02.799 --> 00:17:04.680
so I don't even ask myself that anyone.
362
00:17:04.680 --> 00:17:08.279
I'm like, God, what do you want me to do next?
363
00:17:08.960 --> 00:17:12.480
Or in this moment? Like what is it? Because it's
364
00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:13.119
liable to change.
365
00:17:13.160 --> 00:17:14.319
I mean, I never thought I was going to be
366
00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:17.160
in comedy, and we didn't go much down the comedy.
367
00:17:17.400 --> 00:17:20.680
I wanted to be funnier Honestly, it's not funny at all.
368
00:17:20.759 --> 00:17:24.000
You just is not funny. Been terrible. This is terrible.
369
00:17:25.359 --> 00:17:29.200
People might have even cried, they did not laugh. For sure,
370
00:17:29.799 --> 00:17:31.279
they have not left.
371
00:17:30.759 --> 00:17:33.519
I failed. You watch a video. I don't know what
372
00:17:33.599 --> 00:17:33.880
to take.
373
00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:36.680
Well, when you were a worship leader, did you feel
374
00:17:36.680 --> 00:17:40.759
called to that one hundred percent? So when the comedy
375
00:17:40.799 --> 00:17:45.359
thing happened, was there a calling in it? No, ma'am,
376
00:17:45.799 --> 00:17:46.359
is there now?
377
00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:49.880
Yes, I see the purpose in it now. But but
378
00:17:49.960 --> 00:17:54.720
in the moment, nothing I was doing had was part
379
00:17:54.759 --> 00:17:58.119
of the plan. You know. I was working a desk job,
380
00:17:58.400 --> 00:18:00.599
I was back in my hometown. I was going the divorce,
381
00:18:00.640 --> 00:18:02.680
and like, none of that was I wasn't doing worship
382
00:18:02.720 --> 00:18:03.160
at that time.
383
00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:04.960
It's hard to do. It's hard to lead worship and
384
00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:06.960
while you're crying the whole time. That's a tough gig.
385
00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:09.240
That's so I laid that down for a minute. Son.
386
00:18:09.519 --> 00:18:11.559
Nothing I was doing was making sense anyway.
387
00:18:12.440 --> 00:18:16.400
And when this started happening, I even said to God, like,
388
00:18:16.920 --> 00:18:19.319
please don't, please, don't.
389
00:18:19.640 --> 00:18:21.319
This is not what I wanted to be known for.
390
00:18:21.480 --> 00:18:24.079
I l I was like, Lord, I knew something was coming.
391
00:18:24.599 --> 00:18:26.000
This was not this is not it.
392
00:18:26.839 --> 00:18:28.640
I don't want to be known for this filter face, like,
393
00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:32.200
shame on you, Lord, But it was so obvious that.
394
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:33.839
This was the direction I was supposed to go.
395
00:18:34.359 --> 00:18:38.039
The door was open, and I really I went to
396
00:18:38.119 --> 00:18:40.880
the very edge and was like, uh uh, somebody's got
397
00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:42.160
to kick me through this door.
398
00:18:42.839 --> 00:18:43.519
You got kicked.
399
00:18:43.559 --> 00:18:46.319
I got kicked, and I did. I said, Okay, God,
400
00:18:46.759 --> 00:18:48.559
I will give it a go. If this is what
401
00:18:48.599 --> 00:18:50.960
you want me to do, which I'm sure it's not,
402
00:18:52.119 --> 00:18:54.720
but let's just try it out your let's do it
403
00:18:54.799 --> 00:19:00.960
your way. Then I was like, oh, the purpose is
404
00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:08.759
not for me to sing and touch people in this
405
00:19:09.000 --> 00:19:09.640
certain way.
406
00:19:10.640 --> 00:19:18.279
It's just to touch people however. I'll be available and
407
00:19:18.359 --> 00:19:22.400
however God wants me to do it. And man, surrendering
408
00:19:22.440 --> 00:19:23.839
to that is not fun.
409
00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:27.799
Surrender because it is it's just this what I'm not
410
00:19:27.839 --> 00:19:30.359
in control. Obviously we know we're not anyway, but we
411
00:19:30.440 --> 00:19:33.119
have this illusion of control, you know. And so giving
412
00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:35.400
that over was really hard for me. And it was
413
00:19:35.440 --> 00:19:40.279
a pride swallowing siege, which I think I just heard
414
00:19:40.279 --> 00:19:46.240
in the movie recently, and so yeah, it was really
415
00:19:46.319 --> 00:19:47.759
tough to give into that.
416
00:19:47.960 --> 00:19:50.880
But now you know I'm able to.
417
00:19:51.640 --> 00:19:54.519
And and look I'm to be really honest, I don't
418
00:19:54.519 --> 00:19:55.759
really feel like I'm a comedian.
419
00:19:56.039 --> 00:19:56.359
I don't.
420
00:19:56.720 --> 00:19:58.640
It's hard for me to call myself that because am
421
00:19:58.720 --> 00:20:00.880
I funny? Yeah, I'm pretty funny.
422
00:20:01.359 --> 00:20:03.799
But really, what I want to do is just make
423
00:20:03.839 --> 00:20:06.160
you feel normal. I just want to make women feel
424
00:20:06.160 --> 00:20:08.440
normal and men. But you know I'm a woman, So
425
00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:10.640
I want to get on stage and just tell you
426
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:12.920
about my kids and tell you what I've gone through
427
00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:14.359
and tell you in a funny way.
428
00:20:14.680 --> 00:20:17.759
So the way you do, yeah.
429
00:20:17.440 --> 00:20:20.119
You do, and you make you make all the things
430
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:23.839
that we judge ourselves about, Okay, you strip away the
431
00:20:23.880 --> 00:20:25.079
way we judge ourselves.
432
00:20:25.160 --> 00:20:25.720
Thank you for it.
433
00:20:25.839 --> 00:20:27.039
It's amazing.
434
00:20:27.200 --> 00:20:30.240
Thank you. That's the hope. It's all I can ask for.
435
00:20:30.599 --> 00:20:32.920
It's a ministry, Yes it is.
436
00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:36.880
It's a ministry, and I definitely can say now like
437
00:20:37.599 --> 00:20:38.599
I'm calling to it.
438
00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:41.839
Because just what you said today, so many people are
439
00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:45.519
going to go she did it again. I feel normal,
440
00:20:45.720 --> 00:20:48.400
I hope because of what she's going through. Because I've
441
00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:50.119
been over here trying to do this thing on my
442
00:20:50.200 --> 00:20:53.079
own and wondering why I feel so horrible and blaming
443
00:20:53.160 --> 00:20:56.359
myself for it. And here's Heather Land who's got it
444
00:20:56.400 --> 00:20:58.359
all together everywhere, and she just made it normal.
445
00:20:58.160 --> 00:21:00.720
For me, which I love that. That's the illusion that
446
00:21:00.759 --> 00:21:03.400
I have it all together. I mean, it's a hot mess.
447
00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:05.440
It's because you're on a stage, all right.
448
00:21:05.720 --> 00:21:08.400
We're also with a little bit of a stage that
449
00:21:08.440 --> 00:21:09.319
we've got it together.
450
00:21:09.400 --> 00:21:10.640
We don't smoke in mirrors.
451
00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:13.039
You know. It's that sixty minutes of that show that.
452
00:21:12.960 --> 00:21:15.920
We haven't together. Maybe yeah, you know it's true.
453
00:21:16.319 --> 00:21:20.359
But you've got a voice for people, and you you normalize,
454
00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:21.559
you strip away judgment.
455
00:21:21.599 --> 00:21:24.279
I love it, I hope. So yeah, thank you for that.
456
00:21:24.720 --> 00:21:26.680
Thank you so much for being here today, thank you
457
00:21:26.680 --> 00:21:29.680
for having thank you for your vulnerability. We'll do another one.
458
00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:30.359
It will be all fun.
459
00:21:30.440 --> 00:21:30.839
Let's do it.
460
00:21:30.920 --> 00:21:31.720
I won't ask anything.
461
00:21:31.759 --> 00:21:32.400
Let's bad.
462
00:21:32.480 --> 00:21:35.359
Question can be in a better direction next time.
463
00:21:36.359 --> 00:21:39.319
The tears out and it was great to be here.
464
00:21:39.640 --> 00:21:42.119
I love Thank you, Sorry, thank you,
