ENCORE: How To Develop Unconditional Self-Worth with Dr. Adia Gooden, PhD

Episode 122. In deciding which episodes were worth replaying for you this summer, this one immediately came to mind for a few reasons.
First of all, I've referenced this conversation many times since I had it in July 2021 (3 years ago!!). I've talked about it on the podcast, and I've referenced it in my head.
To share how it's impacted me, we have to review one of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
- Dr. Maya Angelou
I'll be honest, it's been 3 years and my memory is not great. So I don't remember exactly all the things Adia and I talked about (although I reviewed some of the topics in the lists below).
But I remember exactly how I felt when she was modeling how you might talk to yourself when you were feeling shame.
It felt like a gut punch. A big puzzle piece clue. Saying, "Hey Shawn, if you were wondering where else you need to look to take your next step in healing, it's here!" Overall message: "You still have some shame to unpack and work out!"
What To Expect in This Interview:
Dr. Gooden opens up about how struggles with self-worth manifested in her life growing up. 
How she learned the hard way that external validation of worth – be it a doctoral degree or losing 50 lbs – are common motivators, but don't work long-term.
Her thoughts on the field of psychology and our training to not self-disclose, and how she's shifted this and why
Common barriers to unconditional self-worth
Incredibly valuable language for shifting towards true self-compassion
And so much more!
Top Things to Remember While Cultivating Unconditional Self-Worth
You are under-utilizing the skill of self-compassion. I can almost 100% guarantee it. Instead of beating yourself up, or just taking a practical approach (“you messed up, don’t dwell on it, move on.”) you can name and make space for your pain, while still holding yourself accountable. You can talk to yourself as you would a small child who is in pain. “I see you, you’re okay. I got you.” This shift alone, when mastered, can change everything.
Many of the ways we think about mental and emotional well-being are incredibly outdated. And often harmful when they further stigmatize struggle and have groups of us pretending that we don’t struggle, while our clients do. In the field of psychology, the precedent is not to share, to be a blank slate, to be objective and a suggestion or advice dispensary. And yet, when we question that, not only can we help people more effectively, we as professionals can also be more free to bring our full selves to work. This relates to our discussion in Episode 27 about 4 Reasons you should share your story (and why I shared mine). The reality is, we aren’t going to fall into categories or checkboxes. This person has depression and self-worth issues, this one does not. This one has developed self-compassion, this one hasn’t. It’s a journey that we are all on and we ALL have shame and self-doubt. We can all work on and benefit from the skills mentioned here.
The more you work on your relationship with yourself, the more you will be able to do vulnerable things, and pick yourself up when you inevitably fall. It does not need to be, “develop self-worth first, then do uncomfortable things,” OR “fake it until you make it, just do the hard thing no matter how you feel.” Your life is yours and yours alone. Don’t avoid things you value or get stuck in perfectionism, but don’t feel like you HAVE TO do something just because someone says so. You get to choose.
External boundaries can help behaviors with delayed gratification to become more intrinsically motivating, under the right conditions. Dr. Gooden talks about her initial resistance to meditation, and how being forced to teach it and practice it allowed her to gradually see the benefits. This relates to how we can sometimes guide ourselves to an exercise routine or an eating pattern we might feel really good doing eventually, but in the short term might be super uncomfortable (e.g., if you are learning a new cooking or meal prep skill, or if you are working new parts of your brain or muscles). Setting up external boundaries sometimes can help create space to explore if the behavior truly fits in our life (e.g., do I feel good on a plant-based eating plan? What about partially plant-based?), particularly when we explore it without all the shame, blame, and guilt. Just truly an experiment.
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Disclaimer: This blog and podcast is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for individual professional advice or treatment, including medical or mental health advice. It does not constitute a provider patient relationship.
Disclosure: Using the Bookshop.org links in this post means that I would get an affiliate fee if you purchase from the online bookshop (this supports my business, and local bookstores too!).