ACERCA DE ESTE EPISODIO
Here’s a question we get a lot – at what point in a new relationship should you start making agreements? The answer might surprise you: you already are. From the moment you decide where to meet for a first date, you're making agreements. But most of us are worried about being ‘too much’ or making a fuss, so we walk around with unspoken expectations, trying to be ‘cool’ and ‘chill,’ hoping everything will just magically work out.
Agreements might seem like a vibe-killer, but in reality, the fear of seeming too rigid or demanding can set you up for heartbreak, confusion, and a whole lot of unnecessary pain. The truth is, agreements aren't about constraining your relationships or killing spontaneity. They're about making your expectations visible so you can actually relate to each other instead of just hoping you're on the same page. This is especially relevant when we shift from monogamy to non-monogamy, because our entire framework for safety, trust, and connection changes, and clear agreements become essential.
In this episode, we talk about:
— Why you're already making agreements whether you realize it or not (and why pretending you're not is causing problems)
— The difference between implicit expectations and explicit agreements, and why making them visible changes everything
— The problems that come along with the fear of "not being cool" or "asking for too much"
— Why every agreement you make is actually with yourself, not your partner (this is a game-changer)
— The power of starting small
— How to handle asymmetries in relationships without pretending everything is "fair" or "equal"
— Why agreements need revisit dates built in, and how to avoid only renegotiating when someone's already hurt
— The liberation that comes from knowing where you stand, even when the agreement isn't what you'd prefer
— How to make "minimum viable agreements" and first-draft agreements that you can adjust as you learn what you actually want
— Why defining your terms matters more than you think
— The difference between spontaneity and intentionality, and why you can have both
— How clear agreements actually reduce anxiety and transform your nervous system
— Why people avoid making agreements early (hint: they don't want to discover incompatibilities)
— The importance of acknowledging what you want and need, even before you're totally sure what that is
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Our episode on weasel words and how they undermine agreements
— Our episode on relationship agreements 101
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Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
