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"Getting Cheated On Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" - Michelle Seydel

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This episode dives deep into the emotional aftermath of being cheated on and what it really takes to rebuild your sense of self, standards, and relationships. Michelle Seydel shares a raw, unfiltered story of discovering infidelity in the middle of a family trip and making a decisive exit without looking back. What follows isn’t just heartbreak... it’s a complete mindset shift.

At the core of this conversation is a powerful reframe: being cheated on isn’t the end. It’s often the wake-up call. Michelle breaks down why betrayal is rarely about you and almost always about the other person’s unresolved issues, low self-worth, or addiction patterns. The discussion explores how gut instincts, subtle behavioral changes, and “guilt gifts” can signal deeper dishonesty long before proof appears.

The episode doesn’t romanticize closure. Instead, it challenges the idea that you need it at all. Sometimes the way someone leaves, lies, or fails to fight for you is the closure. The real work begins afterward... rebuilding self-worth, detaching from the fantasy of who you thought they were, and confronting the patterns that led you there in the first place.

Michelle opens up about dating after betrayal, including a second relationship built on deception that reinforced a key lesson: consistency and truth matter more than grand gestures. The conversation highlights how being hurt can sharpen your standards, if you let it.

Sobriety becomes another unexpected turning point. Removing alcohol brought clarity, better emotional regulation, and more intentional dating choices. The episode explores how alcohol can mask incompatibility and lead to poor partner selection, while sobriety forces you to connect more authentically.

Key themes throughout include:

  •  Why staying after cheating often leads to long-term anxiety and mistrust 
  •  The danger of idealizing partners and ignoring red flags 
  •  How self-awareness determines who you attract 
  •  Why loneliness is better than misalignment 
  •  The illusion of being “replaced” and why it’s rooted in insecurity 
  •  Letting go of the need to fix or save people 
  •  Choosing partners who actively improve your life 

Ultimately, this episode is about radical self-respect. It argues that the moment you truly believe you deserve better, your dating life and your tolerance for dysfunction changes completely.

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TRANSCRIPCIÓN 🔗

WEBVTT
00:00:06.160 --> 00:00:07.919
Welcome back to Headcase.
00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:09.439
I'm Stephanie Hoffman.
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This season we're getting real about the messiest parts of being human.
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Let's dive in.
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Hi everyone.
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Welcome back to Headcase.
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This episode, we have a very special guest, my good friend, Michelle Seydell.
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She's a con content creator located in LA.
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And we used to live in LA together, except on opposite sides of the city.
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And we've been through a lot of ups and downs with relationships and the timing of the relationships, which of bad news that we got that happens to be around your birthday, um, pretty much every time.
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So that's crazy.
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So welcome, Michelle.
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Thanks.
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Yeah, no, and it's on my birthday every year, which is not every year, but every time you found out it's been on my birthday.
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Even like happy birthday, by the way.
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Yeah.
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Um, but super crazy.
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Well, it's crazy too because when you were living here, I remember we did like a mock episode of this, and I just feel like so much of your opinions on the topic have kind of changed since then.
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So I'm like really excited to kind of hear what your stance is now.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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I mean, we did this whole mock up mock-up episode, and Michelle is actually the one who was like, you should do your podcast on relationships this season and talk about getting cheated on and making up and being in a healthy relationship after that, which obviously things have changed.
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My trailer episode is different.
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Like, I don't live in LA anymore.
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Um, a lot has happened, but so and Michelle has some great advice, and you know, you you have been through a lot yourself in the past two relationships you were in.
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So can you tell me a little bit about that first relationship and what you went through?
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Yeah, for sure.
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I mean, first off, I want to say if you have just been cheated on and you're listening to this because you're looking for like some kind of guidance on what to do, I just want to say, congratulations because this was the best thing that could have ever happened to you.
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Um, the man who cheated on me, I want to say, I mean, it was in my late 20s, it was during the time of my Saturn return, if you know astrology, but um, he was a major lesson for me.
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Um, he he just sucked.
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Like, I don't know how else to say it, but um it he did me the biggest favor because I think about what my life would have been if he hadn't have done that.
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And it just like completely changed my perspective.
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Basically, my situation was I had been in a relationship with a guy for about a year.
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Um, and I found out at you know, 3, 4 a.m.
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that he had been cheating on me with his girl best friend.
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Um, and it's actually funny because of the way that I left, he actually has no, no one in his family probably has any idea what happened.
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Like if they're listening to this, it's gonna be the first time any of them actually find out what happened and how I found out.
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Um, basically, I just had a gut feeling.
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Like he started acting super weird.
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Um, and two, like I have a saying, it says nothing says guilty, like a random present.
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So if all of a sudden a man starts doing the things for you that you've always wanted him to do out of the blue, just now it's not, it's not random.
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Like he feels guilty about something.
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He didn't just wake up and get you the present you've been asking for.
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He did something.
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You just figure out what it is.
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And if you have a gut feeling, do not ignore that.
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Um, but yeah, just remember I had a strong gut feeling for weeks that he was lying to me, that something was off.
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Um, and he had changed his phone password before I had known his phone password, but I had just not gone through it because I was like, I just trust him.
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And then when I started not trusting him and I went to look, I was like, oh, he's changed it.
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That's not good.
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Um, and yeah, there was one night I just had a horrible feeling, horrible feeling.
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And we were literally on like a family reunion trip up in upstate New York, like worst wow, worst place to find out.
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Um, and I remember his whole family was like, Are you okay?
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Like you seem off.
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And I was like, Yeah, I just like I'm feeling super weird.
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I don't know.
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I'm just not gonna drink tonight.
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And he did the opposite.
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He was getting wasted all of the time because his anxiety was through the roof.
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He was like living double lives, like you could just tell something was going on with him.
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Um, but yeah, I didn't drink and he ended up going out to the bar with his cousins.
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And I went home and I went to sleep.
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And when he came home, he was wasted, absolutely wasted, and he fell asleep watching a TV show on his phone.
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And I woke up and I looked over and he's passed out, and I plucked his phone out of his hand, and I was going through all of the girls.
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I thought it maybe I was in his Instagram, all these things, because I just never suspected it was this girl for just so many reasons I won't name.
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But um, but yeah, all I saw was him trying to cheat and like getting rejected, which was like almost worse than him cheating.
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I was like, right, no one wants to hook up with this man.
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Like he's like trying to cheat on me and no one wants to.
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Um, and then I was like, let me go through his girl best friend's text and see if maybe he said something to her.
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And that's when I started seeing text about them like planning to meet up.
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Hey, you're out of toothpaste, like on all of the nights where I didn't spend the night there.
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He had like canceled um going to my cousin's wedding a week before and said it was he blamed his dog.
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And it was actually so he could drive up to a wedding she was at in Richmond.
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We were in Atlanta at the time, um, and hook up with her at a hotel, like on the way.
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And then he picked me up from the airport the next day.
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Um, yeah, no, he was a real treat.
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But what I did was I didn't take any screenshots.
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Like, I was like, I don't care who believes me about this.
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Like, I genuinely don't care.
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I I had seen what I needed to see, and I just saw and I was like, there's no world where I forgive him or we have a normal relationship after this.
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Like I've I'd kind of been through it before.
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I had dated a hockey player before, and we definitely had some cheating scares.
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Um, and so I was just like, I know what the relationship's gonna be, and I want no part of it.
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And I just remember being like, I don't need one scrap of proof.
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Like, I don't need to take one screenshot.
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I never want to see this conversation ever again in my life.
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Right.
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And I yeah, I closed the phone and I threw it on the bed and I I woke him up, turned on the lights, and I said, Hey, I know about your mistress.
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Do you have anything to say?
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I'm leaving.
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And this man was so, so wasted.
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Like he could barely like sit up, look me in the eye.
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And he was just like, guess we're fucked up.
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And I was like, Okay, I'm gonna go now.
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Yeah, so I packed up all my stuff and I literally left.
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I I it was four o'clock in the morning.
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I was at his grandparents' house in upstate New York.
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His grandparents had a gravel driveway.
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My suitcases were 70 pounds, and I'm dragging them across the gravel, get in the Uber, call my mom, just cried all the way to my friend's house in New Jersey.
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Luckily, my friend was like awake and I went to her place.
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And then next morning he had the audacity to text me, Hey, did I have a weird dream or did you leave?
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And I was like, You gotta be kidding me.
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But I mean remember.
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Didn't even remember.
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And I remember I didn't respond.
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He's like, Hey, did you go into the city?
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And I was like, Are you safe?
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And so I just was like, I'm just gonna let him know I'm safe.
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I don't need him like causing a whole thing, like texting my family and my friends.
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And I just said, you know, I'm safe.
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I know about you, you in blank.
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And he was like, Nothing happened, but like glad you're okay.
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I was like, listen, babe, I I've seen all the text messages, I know.
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And he tried to tell me, like, nothing happened when we were together, all this stuff.
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Like, he was claiming that we like had broken up at some point, and like he was just like grabbing for anything.
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And then he said, But sounds like you have your mind made up and this is wrapped.
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I'll never forget that was the last thing he said to me.
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Because I was like, you know what?
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I'm actually gonna let that be the last thing you ever say to me in my entire life.
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Because, like, what an insane thing to say after you've been cheating on somebody for six weeks.
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And I blocked him on everything, and yeah, I ran into him nine months later at the gym, and he was like, What are you what are you doing here, girl?
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Like he looked at me like we were best friends, and I was like, That's crazy.
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Um, other than that, we never talked again.
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I let him keep all the stuff that was at his apartment.
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I probably had like over a thousand dollars worth of skincare and clothes and everything.
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I just called it a loss.
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I was like, Yeah, keep it.
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I don't want anything from you ever again.
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Yeah, sometimes it's just not worth it.
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You just have to take the L in that case.
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But that last text he sent you, I still think about it.
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Yeah, him saying that's this is wrapped.
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I couldn't think of a crazier ending to a relationship.
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I mean, you don't even get closure.
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So, like what how did you feel after that?
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Like, did you I mean, I know you and I have like a really great sense of humor when it comes to getting heartbroken or traumatic experiences, but it obviously has to eat away at you at some point.
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Oh, yeah.
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After luckily, I was like, my my cousins have a place in New York and they were up in the Hamptons.
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It's extremely, extremely fortunate because I was like, I can't go back to Atlanta right now.
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Like, I just I feel I was like, I need to just deal with this somewhere else.
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Like it was incredibly hurtful because it's not like too like he was really distant.
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Like the week before I found out he was cheating, he like introduced me to a pastor at his grandparents' house, and he's like, This is the pastor I want to marry us.
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Like, it's not like he was, you know, saying, Oh, we're having problems.
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Like, he was digging himself in a deeper hole, like trying to get more serious.
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And we were talking about moving in with each other.
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So I think like there was a lot of me that like had to mourn, I think, what was almost promised to me or what I thought was going to be more than like the person, also, too.
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Like, he was my best friend in a lot of ways.
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Like, yeah.
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Um, and yeah, I was in New York and I remember I was walking like 20, 25 miles a day.
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I was listening to podcasts about people that had been cheated on and just trying to understand how someone I loved could have done this to me because I was just like, This person was my best friend, this person was telling me this, he was doing this.
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Like, how did I not see this?
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Like, yeah, and it's just kind of realizing that it had nothing to do with me.
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I mean, I was reading books, like I was just like doing anything to just be like this had nothing to do with me because my self-worth was like in the garbage at that point.
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Because like when we would get in arguments, he would try to convince me I was this person I wasn't.
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Like he would try to convince me I was saying things I wasn't saying, doing things I wasn't doing to where I was starting to feel crazy.
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Like I was when I think back to the person I was, I mean, I felt like the stump from the giving tree.
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Like I just felt like I was giving so much to try to make the relationship work, and it just was never enough.
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Like he just kept taking and taking and taking.
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So I also too, like one of my friends is kind of dealing with a breakup right now with an addict.
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And unfortunately, my ex that cheated on me was an addict.
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And I think there is something to say about somebody, especially functioning addicts.
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Like, cheating is very common with people who struggle with addiction.
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And my ex that cheated on me was a nicotine addict, an alcoholic.
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Like, in so many ways, he was a functioning alcoholic and all of these things.
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Um, and I think cheating just kind of goes hand in hand.
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But I think like with addiction, like it's so closely tied to narcissism.
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Like, I remember a therapist at the time, I because I was calling him a narcissist, and she was like, babe, he's just an addict.
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She was like, the traits of narcissism and the traits of addiction are just so closely tied, it's just a dopamine thing.
00:11:39.039 --> 00:11:39.360
Yeah.
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Um, but I didn't remember what I was going off about why that was relevant.
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Um no, and it just has nothing to do with you, and that's so true.
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I I mean, after I was cheated on, I I went through the same thing.
00:11:51.919 --> 00:12:07.600
And I think when you're broken up with and you don't know why, and you find out why, if it like in my scenario, finding out it was cheating almost was more of a relief because you it gives you an answer that it's not really about you.
00:12:07.679 --> 00:12:12.000
And I know everyone takes it differently.
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I mean, obviously it you're like, what did I do?
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Am I not enough?
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Why would he be interested in someone else?
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All of these things.
00:12:21.039 --> 00:12:28.399
But if you really read those books and listen to people's stories, it really rarely has anything to do with the other person.
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It's always about the person who cheated and their lack of self-worth and their inability to amount to the person that they said they were when you started using them.
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No, because a healthy person would just say, Hey, I'm not feeling XYZ in this relationship.
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I need this from you.
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Um, and kind of as I get older, and the more I know myself and the more I understand what I deserve, the more I realize like I'm not gonna stay in situations I'm not happy.
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So, like if somebody's not giving me what I want, I'm not gonna stay in the relationship and cheat on them.
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I'm gonna go find somebody else that can give me those things.
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Um, and unfortunately, when somebody cheats, it's really tough.
00:13:10.480 --> 00:13:14.159
Like I dealt with this in my, I guess, second serious relationship.
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I did it a hockey player for a long time and he would be long distance away at games and you know, away in different city for the whole season.
00:13:21.279 --> 00:13:27.600
Um, and you know, we had a lot of, I guess, like emotional cheating, maybe scares and probably physical.
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I just never found out about it.
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Um, but I will say, like, after the first time it happens and you decide to stay with them, you have like this constant anxiety every time they don't answer your text messages, every time you don't know, every like where they are, every time something's not adding up, like, oh my God, they did this to me again.
00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:50.000
Even if they haven't, it's just like this constant anxiety that it's just not worth it.
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So, like for me, everyone, like I get cheating is really complex, like especially in situations where maybe it was like they got wasted and made a bad decision.
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Like, do I throw away the whole relationship kind of thing?
00:14:02.159 --> 00:14:03.519
Like a one-time thing.
00:14:03.759 --> 00:14:10.639
Yeah, but unfortunately, it's just like that thought never goes away of like, are they gonna do it again?
00:14:10.879 --> 00:14:11.120
Right.
00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:21.600
And I think like if I've learned anything in my, you know, 34 years, it's that every single time I've dated somebody, they've been better than the last person I dated in some way.
00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:22.000
Yeah.
00:14:22.240 --> 00:14:23.600
So it's just like you love a lot.
00:14:24.080 --> 00:14:24.320
Right.
00:14:24.399 --> 00:14:24.639
Yeah.
00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:28.080
It's just like you know yourself more and you know what you want and you don't want.
00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:31.759
So it's like you don't look for that in your next partner.
00:14:31.840 --> 00:14:36.480
So it's just like, why would you stay in a relationship where you're gonna be anxious when you can just go meet somebody else?
00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:39.600
Like, unfortunately, people are replaceable.
00:14:39.759 --> 00:14:40.799
Like, yeah, yeah.
00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:42.799
Like that, like everyone's unique.
00:14:42.879 --> 00:14:48.080
Yes, you're not gonna date that person again, but there's so many things where it's like, thank God, you're not gonna date that person again, right?
00:14:48.159 --> 00:14:48.960
You know, yeah.
00:14:49.200 --> 00:15:16.000
I think if you're in a relationship with someone and you obviously it's there's gray areas to the cheating and betrayals and stuff, but I think if you aren't giving that person a second chance, you have to do it completely free of any doubt and mistrust and harboring any ill feelings towards them because if you do, then that's just not a relationship.
00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:23.440
Like you're not gonna, you're not gonna grow, you're just gonna stick stay in the past, and that is such a hard thing to do.
00:15:23.679 --> 00:15:32.000
That's something that's even I I thought I was completely okay with that in my relationship.
00:15:32.240 --> 00:15:44.399
And looking back, I think I was just numb, and that numbness was like a different way of dealing with it that I thought it was like I was like, maybe I just don't care that much.
00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:44.960
Yeah.
00:15:45.039 --> 00:15:50.799
Um yeah, and like unfortunately, it's one of those things where it's like cheating is like a self-worth issue.
00:15:50.879 --> 00:16:00.879
Like a lot of times, yes, it is a mistake, but at the same time, like you know, you've gone out and you've drank too much before, and you you weren't like, I'm gonna cheat on this person that I love, you know.
00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:05.120
Like, I think in very, very rare cases it is just like an accident.
00:16:05.200 --> 00:16:06.480
I got too messed up thing.
00:16:06.559 --> 00:16:09.279
But I will say, like, because I hate to be black and white, like I really do.
00:16:09.360 --> 00:16:27.279
I really try to be open-minded about stuff, but like, and I don't want to say all because I don't want to like scare people or whatever, but I I genuinely think in every situation in my personal life that I know of people personally that have been cheated on, they've gotten cheated on when they've gotten back with their partner again.
00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:29.840
Yeah, so it's like, and I know that's not every situation.
00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:42.960
I know there's exceptions, all these things, but like, unless your partner comes to you and is like, I realize that this was something having to do with me and like my own self-worth, and I'm gonna go to therapy and I'm gonna fix this issue, like you need to move on.
00:16:43.039 --> 00:16:51.759
Like, do not waste your time because it's just so much has to do with the other person and how they feel about themselves, how they probably don't feel worthy of being with somebody like you.
00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:54.080
And it's probably true, you know.
00:16:54.559 --> 00:16:59.679
Like, I think like me being cheated on, I took a really good look at myself.
00:16:59.840 --> 00:17:04.559
Like, I put all my energy into like being like, why did I attract somebody like this?
00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:07.119
How did I let them get me into this place?
00:17:07.279 --> 00:17:12.319
And I I spent over a year just single and I was on a really good routine.
00:17:12.400 --> 00:17:23.759
I would wake up, I would gratitude journal, I had a success journal where I had my goals, and then I had a journal where I just wrote and talked about, you know, everything that was going on in my life and the journaling and the self-reflection.
00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:28.880
Like, I just completely rewired my mindset of like looking on the bright side of things.
00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:30.400
Like, I think that's really important.
00:17:30.559 --> 00:17:46.240
Um, and yeah, I think like my biggest takeaway and like regret when I think about like healing from that situation is I gave him so many allowances of like, oh, he's an addict or he has trauma, like he feels bad.
00:17:46.400 --> 00:17:49.359
He just like he doesn't know how to like communicate with me.
00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:56.240
And like I just told myself all of these things because it was easier for me to accept those things.
00:17:56.400 --> 00:17:58.480
Like it, you know, he loved me the whole time.
00:17:58.559 --> 00:17:59.599
I wasn't wasting my time.
00:17:59.759 --> 00:18:03.359
Like he just he had problems within himself, he had therapy he needed to do.
00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:05.200
He was just a shitty person.
00:18:05.359 --> 00:18:09.759
Like he sorry, but like he was just a shitty, unhealed person.
00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:11.200
And it's so crazy.
00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:16.559
I actually, my friend Timmy recently reached out to me and she said, Hey, when did you and it's called Colin?
00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:18.160
When did you and Colin break up?
00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:21.680
And I was like, what a random question, because it was almost four years ago.
00:18:21.839 --> 00:18:23.440
And I said, July of 2022.
00:18:23.519 --> 00:18:23.759
Why?
00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:25.599
And she goes, So crazy.
00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:27.759
Um, he's dating my friend's cousin.
00:18:27.839 --> 00:18:30.000
They started dating July of 2022.
00:18:30.240 --> 00:18:38.240
And the girl that he's dating, they're still together to this day, somehow, by some miracle, maybe they're soulmates, but um, more power to her.
00:18:38.480 --> 00:18:41.599
Um, but yeah, no, he immediately hit her up.
00:18:41.759 --> 00:18:45.359
I guess they had like hooked up prior, like I guess before we started dating.
00:18:45.519 --> 00:18:46.559
Maybe they were talking the whole time.
00:18:46.720 --> 00:18:47.279
I don't know.
00:18:47.440 --> 00:18:50.240
But yeah, no, he started dating someone immediately after.
00:18:50.319 --> 00:18:59.599
And like here I was for months after we broke up, sitting there thinking he misses me, he just doesn't know how to talk to me, like telling myself, no, this man immediately moved on.
00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:02.400
He was already in another relationship, he moved on to his next victim.
00:19:02.559 --> 00:19:05.680
He completely just like blocked out whatever he did.
00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:12.079
And that's like most of the time, what people like addicts do is they just pile on their trauma and they don't deal with it.
00:19:12.160 --> 00:19:14.240
Like he's and that's just like a pattern.
00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:14.640
Yeah.
00:19:14.880 --> 00:19:30.640
So I think like if you are dating someone that struggles with addiction, make sure that they're very self-aware because and that they've they they are very responsible about handling their trauma because unfortunately, I just made so many excuses for him when I shouldn't have.
00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:33.599
And you know, I just was fooling myself.
00:19:33.680 --> 00:19:34.880
I was just wasting my own time.
00:19:35.039 --> 00:19:42.559
So I think back on to when I was healing, and I just the only thing I wish is that I just accepted the truth sooner was that this man didn't care about me.
00:19:42.720 --> 00:19:45.680
I don't care if he said he did, I don't care if he was promising to marry me.
00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:48.720
If he cared about me, he wouldn't have done this to me for six weeks.
00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:53.759
Like in with somebody that I knew, that somebody like his best friend was pretending to be my best friend.
00:19:53.839 --> 00:20:01.920
Like just so many things about it where it was just like clowning me, essentially, introducing me to his family, like introduced me to the pastor that was gonna marry us.
00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:02.799
Crazy.
00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:03.920
It's wild.
00:20:04.160 --> 00:20:10.079
Yeah, I think just kind of accepting the reality and like not focusing on the good times because that's what I was doing too.
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:15.519
I was looking back at the relationship and I was like, I'm only looking at all of the amazing things.
00:20:15.599 --> 00:20:20.720
I'm not looking at all of the horrific fights we would get in, you know, where like there would just be no end.
00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:26.960
Yeah, and I was just like, I felt insane because he was telling me I was doing insane these things I wasn't doing.
00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:29.039
And I was like, Am I just gaslighting you?
00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:29.359
Yes.
00:20:29.599 --> 00:20:31.039
I was like, Am I crazy?
00:20:31.119 --> 00:20:33.599
Like, how am I forgetting these entire events?
00:20:33.759 --> 00:20:35.839
Like, I'm a pretty logical person too.
00:20:35.920 --> 00:20:39.920
Like, I don't raise my voice, like I stay, like I don't scream.
00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:42.559
Um I'm not a hurtful person, I don't like hurting people.
00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:46.240
So, like, sorry, I live in a homeless encampment.
00:20:46.640 --> 00:20:54.720
Um so there was a part where I was just like questioning my own sanity, and it's just like I that was the bulk of the relationship.
00:20:54.880 --> 00:21:00.799
The relationship wasn't the good times we were having as best friends, like yeah, and it's just not fulfilling to be with somebody like that.
00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:09.839
It's just like you can't romanticize the relationship into something that it wasn't because if it was a good relationship, like this wouldn't have happened, you know, like if it was a good person, it wouldn't have happened.
00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:19.039
The cons don't out if the cons outweigh the pros, then you know you're looking back on the relationship like you're grasping for straws, you're trying to find something that makes sense.
00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:34.240
It's your brain is like trying to find a reason, a solution, and mm to make it make sense, especially an ending of a relationship like that that has no real closure and you never really got the closure that people look for in a relationship.
00:21:34.640 --> 00:21:58.640
And in that way, like it's almost you almost did in a way though, that was it it wasn't you know tied in a bow for you, but it was it was he showed you who he was and you believed him and you didn't it he didn't he didn't fight back, he was just like okay, this is this is done then, bye.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:02.640
Is the that is the closure in some ways.
00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:04.559
Like that's what you needed to see.
00:22:04.799 --> 00:22:11.359
Well, and what's crazy too is when we broke up, I guess he had just been like also fighting with his friend group, his entire friend group.
00:22:11.680 --> 00:22:15.759
Um, and you know, I had only ended up in Atlanta because I got stuck there over COVID.
00:22:15.839 --> 00:22:16.720
So I didn't really have friends there.
00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:17.759
I'd been living in New York.
00:22:17.839 --> 00:22:30.559
And so his I was friends with his friends, and when I found out he cheated, his friend group literally reached out to me and they were like, Hey, we actually think he's a bad person and we don't like what he did, and we think you're cool.
00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:32.000
Like, please hang out with us.
00:22:32.079 --> 00:22:33.599
Like, we don't talk to him anymore.
00:22:33.759 --> 00:22:37.039
Yeah, and I'm like, that tells you everything you need to know.
00:22:37.119 --> 00:22:38.640
That's everything, yeah.
00:22:38.799 --> 00:22:43.680
That his friends were so quick to just be like, Yeah, we actually like don't think this behavior is okay.
00:22:43.759 --> 00:22:44.960
And like, yeah, you didn't deserve it.
00:22:45.119 --> 00:22:45.920
You don't condone us.
00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:46.079
Yeah.
00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:46.400
Yeah.
00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:52.720
And what's crazy is well, when I ran into him like nine months later, um, I remember the only reason I went up and talked to him.
00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:55.279
Like, I saw him at the gym, and then I saw him in another time.
00:22:55.440 --> 00:22:59.039
I was playing volleyball outside with my friends, and he came out with his dog and was throwing the ball.
00:22:59.200 --> 00:23:03.440
And he had, I swear, because he had an apartment that overlooked where I was playing volleyball.
00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:06.319
We like shared a courtyard essentially from our apartment buildings.
00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:12.559
And I swear he saw me out there and he brought the dog because he knew that I would come and, you know, talk to the dog.
00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:14.559
Yeah, I hadn't seen the dog since we broke up.
00:23:14.640 --> 00:23:17.519
The dog was at the mom's house, and I was at the grandparents' house.
00:23:17.599 --> 00:23:21.359
I never got to say goodbye to this dog that I essentially, you know, was in my life for a year.
00:23:21.440 --> 00:23:22.480
And my dog had passed away.
00:23:22.640 --> 00:23:23.920
So there was all this weird trauma.
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:25.680
That was another heartbreak.
00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:30.799
Um, but I remember I went up to him and I was like, still in my head giving him a benefit of the doubt.
00:23:30.880 --> 00:23:34.079
Like, maybe if I'm nice to him, he'll apologize and he'll own up to what he did.
00:23:34.160 --> 00:23:36.160
Just because I was still living that lie in my head.
00:23:36.240 --> 00:23:40.160
Like I was holding on to that truth because it was just so much less painful.
00:23:40.400 --> 00:23:46.640
And I remember he was like, So you're hanging out with uh Alex, like one of our friends, like one of his old friends.
00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:54.720
And because Alex was out playing volleyball with us, and I was just like, he was like, Yeah, it's kind of crazy that you just like became friends with my friends like after we broke up.
00:23:54.960 --> 00:23:56.079
And that's the thing.
00:23:56.160 --> 00:23:58.880
It's like his close friends weren't really my close friends.
00:23:58.960 --> 00:24:02.880
Like, I was kind of close with friends that were in like the middle of these other friend groups.
00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:05.200
Like, it wasn't like I was intentionally only friends with his friends.
00:24:05.279 --> 00:24:08.240
I was like very casual friends with his specific friend group.
00:24:08.640 --> 00:24:12.640
And he kind of just was still trying to make me like into a bad person.
00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:18.079
Like he was making this narrative like with these the girls I was close with, he wasn't even friends with.
00:24:18.160 --> 00:24:19.519
I didn't even know him, like anything.
00:24:19.680 --> 00:24:26.480
He had was trying to twist the narrative into like I was doing it despite him and all these things, never apologized, nothing.
00:24:26.559 --> 00:24:34.960
And I was just like, these lies I've been telling myself about, you know, all he needs is for me to like be nice and then I'll get the apology.
00:24:35.039 --> 00:24:36.319
I'm like so deserving of.
00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:40.799
And he just all he cared about was himself, how I was friends with some of his friends now.
00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:42.799
Like all of these things that like still weren't true.
00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:52.720
Like, I really wasn't close with his close friends and like all of these things where I was just like, Oh, something went off, then like a light bulb clicked, and I was like, Oh, he's just sucks.
00:24:52.880 --> 00:24:54.720
Like he's just as a terrible person.
00:24:54.880 --> 00:24:58.000
And then after that, it was just like I was over it.
00:24:58.160 --> 00:25:01.039
Like I had just kind of it, it kind of been weighing on me for a minute.
00:25:01.119 --> 00:25:07.440
And then the second I realized, like, and it's just accepted he's just a bad person, I like that I'd be like, Clarity, freedom.
00:25:07.599 --> 00:25:17.200
Yeah, and so I was just like, damn, I wish someone had shaken me this whole time and just said, because all I was doing was putting a band-aid on a wound that just needed to literally be sprayed with saline.
00:25:17.359 --> 00:25:20.240
And yeah, like it sucks at first, where you're just like, oh fuck, like that hurts.
00:25:20.400 --> 00:25:54.720
Sorry, I mean it goes, but like where you're just like, oh wow, that that hurt, and then all of a sudden it's like clean and then it starts healing, and then you know, so it's just kind of like, yes, accepting that truth initially is so hard and it's gonna be painful, but once you accept the reality and the truth of the situation, instead of like living in what could be or what was promised to you or the good of the relationship or who you think he is, you know, not who he's showing himself to be, but what the version you're making up in your head of why he is this way, why he did that.
00:25:54.880 --> 00:26:05.279
As soon as you accept the reality of no, this is not a healed, healthy person, a healed, healthy person would have sat me down, had a conversation with me, and said, I'm feeling XYZ in this relationship.
00:26:05.359 --> 00:26:06.799
I think I may want to see other people.
00:26:07.039 --> 00:26:14.960
Like, there's no reason on this earth that somebody can't sit you down and say that I'm having problems with you, especially somebody that loves you and cares about you.
00:26:15.039 --> 00:26:15.680
There's no excuse.
00:26:15.759 --> 00:26:17.359
There's zero, literally zero excuse.
00:26:17.440 --> 00:26:25.519
Like that if there's anyone on this earth that you should feel comfortable sitting down and expressing concerns to, it should be your partner that you're literally being intimate with.
00:26:25.759 --> 00:26:34.079
So I think he I think he probably tried to paint you as the bad guy in this scenario to make himself feel better.
00:26:34.240 --> 00:26:39.359
So he was like, Let me think of everything that was wrong with her, wrong with the relationship.
00:26:39.440 --> 00:26:49.279
So I can make it okay that I was this rude and and hurtful and honestly evil in the way I went about things.
00:26:49.519 --> 00:26:53.359
And you know, yes, like you look back and you're like, why didn't someone shake me?
00:26:53.519 --> 00:26:55.839
But it just it wouldn't have made a difference.
00:26:56.000 --> 00:27:00.000
You needed that on your own time, you needed to come to that.
00:27:00.160 --> 00:27:13.519
You it it's it's just sometimes it just takes a certain moment or certain realization just to hit you, and then the clarity comes and then you're you're able to move on.
00:27:13.839 --> 00:27:14.640
A thousand percent.
00:27:14.720 --> 00:27:22.240
And I remember because I was really close with his family, his sister, especially, um, of just what are they gonna think?
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:33.839
Because I had known from the sister and some of the stuff that I had talked to her about that he was already lying to her about, you know, things I was doing, saying like he was kind of just painting me as like this horrible person.
00:27:34.160 --> 00:27:34.400
Yeah.
00:27:34.640 --> 00:27:38.240
And I just was like, the only person, not the only person.
00:27:38.319 --> 00:27:40.799
I mean, I really loved his family, but like I really loved his sister.
00:27:40.880 --> 00:27:48.640
And I just remember being like, I just need her to know that like this was not, this was so out of my control because we had just gotten so close.
00:27:48.799 --> 00:27:53.119
And I had been telling her actually for weeks, like, I think he's cheating on me.
00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:57.920
Like, I literally was talking to the sister about it, and she was like, No, Colin is not a cheater.
00:27:58.079 --> 00:27:59.279
Like, he would never do that.
00:27:59.440 --> 00:28:02.079
Like, he may be going through XYZ, but he would never cheat on you.
00:28:02.160 --> 00:28:04.640
So I was like kind of making me feel better where I was like, okay.
00:28:04.880 --> 00:28:08.960
And so when I found out that he had, I just sent her a text message and I was like, Hey, can you talk?
00:28:09.039 --> 00:28:12.640
And she she sent something back, like very respectful, like, you know, I really love and care about you.
00:28:12.720 --> 00:28:15.039
I just like I don't know how I'm supposed to be here for you.
00:28:15.119 --> 00:28:19.039
It was just like a very like kind of I don't want to get involved text, which I totally understand.
00:28:19.279 --> 00:28:20.720
And I kind of just sent one back.
00:28:20.799 --> 00:28:26.480
I I not in like a crazy way, I just sent one back and I was like, Okay, I just need you to know this is what happened.
00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:28.640
And I just explained the entire situation for her.
00:28:28.720 --> 00:28:30.240
And poor girl, I mean, it was so long.
00:28:30.400 --> 00:28:34.480
It wasn't a note long, but it was probably a few sentences away from turning into a note.
00:28:35.279 --> 00:28:43.680
Um, but I felt better after because I was like, I just needed her to know that that was the case, and it sucks too so much when you love the family.
00:28:43.759 --> 00:28:46.880
I always date guys that have been the family, yes.
00:28:47.200 --> 00:28:53.200
Because like that's half the reason I stayed in it too, was I was just like, I love that we both come from like these great families.
00:28:53.279 --> 00:28:55.359
And like, I don't know.
00:28:55.440 --> 00:29:10.559
I think like I let him get away with stuff because I had this belief in my head, I'm never gonna find someone again that wants to date me that also comes from a great family, that also is my best friend in XYZ ways that you know I find attractive, like all these things.
00:29:10.640 --> 00:29:16.480
But when reality, when I look back at him, like I mean, I really hope he's not listening to this, but like he's not really that attractive.
00:29:16.640 --> 00:29:18.480
Like, I was really putting it on the pedestal.
00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:20.720
And then blinders on, yeah.
00:29:20.799 --> 00:29:24.160
And like not only that, like our sex was terrible.
00:29:24.319 --> 00:29:27.680
Like he definitely had some kind of like ED.
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:31.680
I actually debate whether he was fully straight sometimes.
00:29:31.839 --> 00:29:36.640
Like, I've actually like wonder if he was cheating on me the whole time with the opposite sex.
00:29:36.720 --> 00:29:40.000
Like, if definitely had heard things after we broke up, that would make sense.
00:29:40.160 --> 00:29:44.799
Like, there's just so much of like I was not seeing him for who he truly was.
00:29:44.880 --> 00:30:02.799
And then the second he kind of fell off the pedestal, I was like, Oh, okay, that's actually who he is, and like not how like you you think that the your person you're dating is so much better than they are, everyone wants to hook up with them, everyone wants to date them, and when you kind of get away from them, you see them for what they truly are, and it's they're not usually that great.
00:30:03.039 --> 00:30:06.559
The rose-colored glasses, a thousand percent, yeah, yeah.
00:30:06.880 --> 00:30:17.680
So you also stopped drinking, and as someone who also is sober, is I just find it well, how do you navigate dating now that you're sober?
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:19.039
And when did you stop drinking?
00:30:19.119 --> 00:30:22.000
Because I feel like you've been sober for like four years now.
00:30:22.240 --> 00:30:25.680
Yeah, I mean, what's crazy is that I mean, I've never been a big drinker.
00:30:25.920 --> 00:30:29.200
I definitely had stages in my life where I was like, woo, it's fun, you know.
00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:31.519
Like, yeah, but I never like, yeah.
00:30:31.680 --> 00:30:33.359
Yeah, but I like, I mean, that's the thing.
00:30:33.440 --> 00:30:35.519
When I was dating Colin, he was a big drinker.
00:30:35.599 --> 00:30:42.079
Like, I was drinking so much, and my anxiety was probably the some of the worst that it's ever been in my entire life.
00:30:42.160 --> 00:30:43.680
And I'm not an anxious person.
00:30:43.920 --> 00:30:54.319
Um, and I just remember like I stayed drinking after we broke up because I was going out, I was having fun, I was living my life, and I was getting my boobs done.
00:30:54.480 --> 00:30:56.079
Like, honestly, that's what happened.
00:30:56.160 --> 00:31:02.640
I was getting my boobs done, and um, I didn't want to drink because I didn't want to be swollen essentially.
00:31:02.799 --> 00:31:08.319
So I didn't drink for a few weeks before the surgery and a few weeks after, just for healing purposes.
00:31:08.480 --> 00:31:12.240
And I remember I was sleeping so well, had zero anxiety.
00:31:12.480 --> 00:31:18.559
Um, and my face, like, I get like a puffy face if I eat the wrong thing, drink the wrong thing.
00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:20.720
Like my face loves to puff up.
00:31:21.039 --> 00:31:29.039
Um, and so my face was like really like toned, slim looking, and I was just like, hmm, I might be allergic to alcohol.
00:31:29.599 --> 00:31:33.039
Um, so I hadn't, I think I just was like, I'm not gonna drink.
00:31:33.119 --> 00:31:36.880
And then my friend had a birthday in Cabo, and she was like, No one's drinking with me.
00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:38.160
Why is no one drinking anymore?
00:31:38.240 --> 00:31:39.440
And I was like, Okay, I'll drink with you.
00:31:39.519 --> 00:31:42.720
So I drank, I had like one, maybe one or two drinks that night.
00:31:42.880 --> 00:31:48.160
And the next morning, anxious, slept horribly, a terrible mood the next day.
00:31:48.319 --> 00:31:52.720
Like all of these things where I was just like, nothing about those three drinks last night was worth it.
00:31:52.799 --> 00:31:53.920
It didn't make the night more fun.
00:31:54.000 --> 00:31:56.400
Like, I'm already a fun person, I don't need alcohol.
00:31:56.720 --> 00:32:02.160
Um and yeah, I think I made a decision after that where I was like, it's not that I'm never gonna drink again.
00:32:02.240 --> 00:32:03.359
I'll drink when it's worth it.
00:32:03.440 --> 00:32:09.200
And then now I'm three and a half years later and I haven't had alcohol, not because I'm like, I'm not drinking.
00:32:09.279 --> 00:32:13.359
It just hasn't been worth it to me to have anxiety, to sleep like shit.
00:32:13.519 --> 00:32:16.559
Like, I genuinely have such a fun time with my friends.
00:32:16.640 --> 00:32:18.720
So I drink Diet Cokes all night long.
00:32:18.880 --> 00:32:20.640
I'm jazzed up on caffeine.
00:32:20.799 --> 00:32:24.799
Um, sometimes I'll have a Shirley Temple, or if they have like a great mocktail menu, I'll have that.
00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:26.960
Like, especially, I mean, I live in LA now.
00:32:27.119 --> 00:32:29.920
The mocktail choices are immaculate.
00:32:30.240 --> 00:32:32.480
Um, and so I think that kind of helps.
00:32:32.559 --> 00:32:34.960
And luckily in LA, a lot of people don't drink.
00:32:35.119 --> 00:32:38.480
So it makes my life a lot easier from that perspective.
00:32:38.720 --> 00:32:40.559
But yeah, super curious people.
00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:41.039
Yeah.
00:32:41.200 --> 00:32:46.799
And I think too, if it's a problem with someone you're dating, like, I think that's a red flag.
00:32:46.880 --> 00:32:49.519
You know, like why is alcohol such a high priority?
00:32:49.680 --> 00:32:55.039
Like, if anything, it shows like I'm healthy, you don't have to worry about me, you know, making bad decisions.
00:32:55.200 --> 00:32:56.160
Like, I don't know.
00:32:56.319 --> 00:32:59.440
If anything, it should be a green flag to somebody that you're not drinking.
00:32:59.519 --> 00:33:01.839
And that's the thing, like, some people handle alcohol better.
00:33:01.920 --> 00:33:03.920
It's not to say everyone needs to stop drinking.
00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:08.079
Like, I personally was allergic to it, I think, or shouldn't drink it.
00:33:08.160 --> 00:33:12.400
Like, that's not a normal, you know, like symptoms after you drink.
00:33:12.559 --> 00:33:16.079
Um, and I think some people handle it better, some people love it, and that's fine.
00:33:16.240 --> 00:33:21.039
Um, just for me personally, like, I just I don't have anxiety around people.
00:33:21.200 --> 00:33:24.880
Like, I love waking up the next morning, especially too in LA.
00:33:24.960 --> 00:33:30.799
I'm consistently meeting really cool people, celebrities, all of these things, like like really important people.
00:33:30.960 --> 00:33:34.160
And I wake up the next day and I'm like, thank God I wasn't drinking.
00:33:34.240 --> 00:33:38.160
Like, thank God it wasn't under the influence of anything because that person loves me now.
00:33:38.319 --> 00:33:43.119
We're friends, and I probably would have embarrassed myself had I been, you know, drinking.
00:33:43.279 --> 00:33:44.960
I literally was drinking too.
00:33:45.279 --> 00:33:46.000
It was too much fun.
00:33:46.079 --> 00:33:47.680
I had a name for my alter ego.
00:33:47.759 --> 00:33:52.640
I called her Mopsy, and I would be like, that wasn't Mopsy that made out with her Uber driver.
00:33:52.720 --> 00:33:59.119
That was, I mean, that wasn't Michelle that made out with her Uber driver, that was Mopsy, because Michelle wouldn't done that, which was true, you know.
00:33:59.680 --> 00:34:03.599
So no, I think like if someone has a problem with it, fuck them.
00:34:03.839 --> 00:34:04.160
Sorry.
00:34:04.400 --> 00:34:16.320
Yeah, I feel like I feel like when you rely on drinking, especially while you're navigating dating and like finding your person, you can pick the wrong people.
00:34:17.360 --> 00:34:24.880
Like people use it as a crutch to get through social situations, people's personalities change, like you just don't really know.
00:34:25.039 --> 00:34:36.400
So I think it's important, even if you do drink and that person drinks, or you don't drink and they do, or whatever, you have to have situations where you're not drinking to get to know them.
00:34:36.639 --> 00:34:48.719
Because I can't imagine just building a relationship on constantly partying and being wasted and not actually knowing the person underneath that.
00:34:48.960 --> 00:34:51.440
Well, it's like, why do you need a drink to like loosen up?
00:34:51.519 --> 00:34:52.400
Like, what are you hiding?
00:34:52.559 --> 00:34:54.400
You know, like why do you need a drink to be yourself?
00:34:54.480 --> 00:34:57.840
And I get it's like nerve-wracking, yes, but like how exciting, you know?
00:34:58.000 --> 00:35:00.559
Yeah, like that feeling you get of like nervousness.
00:35:00.880 --> 00:35:09.199
Like, I the way I live my life about everything, not even just dating, is like when I'm 80 years old, am I gonna look back and be like, thank God I did XYZ?
00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:09.599
You know?
00:35:09.760 --> 00:35:16.719
And I think the 80-year-old version of you is gonna miss that nervous feeling and just be like, I wish I had been a little bit more in the moment for that.
00:35:16.880 --> 00:35:22.719
I wish I had like taken that feeling and just really like, like, I don't know, I think you're gonna miss it.
00:35:22.800 --> 00:35:24.320
I think you're gonna miss being nervous.
00:35:24.480 --> 00:35:29.519
And, you know, I think too, like when you're nervous, like that's like it's quirky.
00:35:29.679 --> 00:35:31.760
I think it's what makes the other person relax.
00:35:31.920 --> 00:35:36.800
Like, and I'm such a believer, too, in that everything happens for a reason.
00:35:36.960 --> 00:35:40.880
So if you go on a date and you're nervous and you say something stupid, like not an accident.
00:35:40.960 --> 00:35:44.719
The universe was like saving you from being with the wrong person, you know?
00:35:44.880 --> 00:35:45.119
Yeah.
00:35:45.280 --> 00:35:48.239
And if someone scares that easily, then like you don't want to be with them anyways.
00:35:48.320 --> 00:35:57.440
Like, there's so many things where it's just like you have to stop being nervous because if a person was meant for you, like these things wouldn't happen.
00:35:57.599 --> 00:36:03.119
Like they, especially with cheating, like if that person was meant for you, like they probably wouldn't have cheated on you, you know?
00:36:03.199 --> 00:36:03.360
Yeah.
00:36:03.679 --> 00:36:07.119
Sometimes, like, I will say I'm like a big believer, I'm very woo-woo.
00:36:07.360 --> 00:36:23.840
I don't know, but um, I just think like sometimes you're in such a bad relationship that the universe was like, you are supposed to be with somebody else, and like the only way you'll leave this person, which I think honestly might have been you in your last relationship.
00:36:24.000 --> 00:36:31.440
Yeah, like where it's like he has to literally cheat on you for you to leave, or else you're gonna stay in this cycle forever.
00:36:31.519 --> 00:36:36.159
You're gonna ignore the other red flags that the universe is sending you of like, look, he's not moving in with you.
00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:39.119
Look, he's not doing XYZ, like he's not doing the things you ask.
00:36:39.360 --> 00:36:47.199
And so it's just like sometimes the universe just has to like slap you in the face and be like, Wake up, not your person, get out.
00:36:47.360 --> 00:36:48.719
Like, you know, yeah.
00:36:48.960 --> 00:36:59.599
So unfortunately, like you just have to read into everything, like, whether it be them cheating, whether it be not clicking on a first date because you weren't wasted, and just see it for what it is and just be like, not my person.
00:36:59.760 --> 00:37:02.320
Like, because if it was my person, this wouldn't be happening.
00:37:02.639 --> 00:37:03.280
Exactly.
00:37:03.440 --> 00:37:23.840
I think sometimes you just make that mistake where you stay in something too long, or you know, I mean, it even in that I I give myself grace in that in that way, because sometimes you just you need to stay a little longer to see really to see it through until you're ready.
00:37:24.159 --> 00:37:32.559
And in that way, I don't consider it like a waste of time, but obviously you go back and forth, like, did I waste a whole year and a half?
00:37:32.719 --> 00:37:40.320
Did I, you know, I could have been doing this and that, but it's just like you don't know until you know.
00:37:40.480 --> 00:37:41.840
So no, a thousand percent.
00:37:42.000 --> 00:37:44.880
And too, I have a friend right now who's currently going through a breakup.
00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:49.039
She was dating an addict, and he cheated on her, but he had relapsed.
00:37:49.360 --> 00:37:54.079
And um, they broke up and they got back together after he cheated.
00:37:54.159 --> 00:37:58.800
Maybe six months later, he said he swear he changed, he was sober, he wasn't that person anymore.
00:37:58.960 --> 00:38:11.039
And I think that there was a part of her that was like, in order to accept that this isn't my person and that this relationship is like done, I need to date him sober and see what it is.
00:38:11.199 --> 00:38:13.039
And yeah, not back together.
00:38:13.360 --> 00:38:20.000
He was cheating again and sober, like you know, I just I think you know, he was just a cheater at heart.
00:38:20.159 --> 00:38:24.559
And so it's one of those things that where it's like she had to know herself, like she could listen to her friends all day.
00:38:24.639 --> 00:38:25.840
He's gonna do it again, he's gonna do it again.
00:38:25.920 --> 00:38:29.760
But sometimes you have to experience it for yourself, and you just have to be like, I need to see this through.
00:38:29.840 --> 00:38:34.480
Like, I need this person to just literally mess me up so badly to where I don't want to go back.
00:38:34.639 --> 00:38:36.079
And like you just have to do it sometimes.
00:38:36.159 --> 00:38:41.440
Like, sometimes you just have to look like a fucking clown and get back with the person, but like that's what I'm saying.
00:38:41.519 --> 00:38:45.519
Like, at the end of the day, you're gonna be the one at 80 looking back on your life.
00:38:45.679 --> 00:38:49.199
Like, do I regret not giving that person another chance?
00:38:49.280 --> 00:38:50.639
Like, maybe that was not in my life.
00:38:50.800 --> 00:38:52.639
So it's just like it is your life.
00:38:52.800 --> 00:38:54.800
Who gives a fuck what anyone else is gonna say?
00:38:54.880 --> 00:38:56.800
Like, if you have to clown yourself, con yourself.
00:38:56.880 --> 00:38:59.440
You know, sometimes that's the only way you can move on, like truly.
00:38:59.599 --> 00:39:02.320
Like, just literally con yourself.
00:39:02.559 --> 00:39:32.719
But eventually you're you will hit a point where you see the person clearly and you're like, I'm actually over this, and you move on, or you don't, maybe they change, but who's doesn't I think a lot of times in relationships, you don't there are things that come out later that you avoid talking about, just like differences come out and things that you don't really pick up on because you're just so in love or you're idealizing the person so much that you maybe you avoid talking about like the future, the big things that you want in common.
00:39:32.960 --> 00:39:36.079
The the you don't have like the same alignment.
00:39:36.320 --> 00:39:50.719
And and I think you know, yes, I totally agree because in my relationship, I remember because of the way the first breakup happened and how kind of abrupt it felt.
00:39:50.800 --> 00:39:59.679
I felt like I had to see this through because if I I just didn't want to wonder what if, and now I and now I don't wonder that.
00:39:59.920 --> 00:40:14.639
So in that way, I don't regret it, but obviously, you know, it's time it's time you don't get back, but also again, it's kind of outweighing the pros and cons of the lesson that you're given.
00:40:15.039 --> 00:40:20.639
But I definitely I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot of lessons through that relationship.
00:40:20.719 --> 00:40:24.480
So I in that way I don't it's not like I I regret it.
00:40:24.880 --> 00:40:44.480
I also again everything is there's gray areas to things, but yeah, I well I think like the main difference too between my relationship and your relationship was my friends hated him, hated him, like they were like, He sucks, and you need to break up with him.
00:40:44.639 --> 00:40:46.079
Like we don't like him.
00:40:46.320 --> 00:40:48.480
Whereas like we all loved your ex.
00:40:48.719 --> 00:40:56.400
Like he fooled everybody, like we were all just like he's obsessed with stuff, nicest, funniest guy.
00:40:56.639 --> 00:41:06.480
We love him, and it he fooled everybody, where it was just like my ex was just sucked, and everyone hated him, you know.
00:41:06.960 --> 00:41:24.719
So I think like with your situation, it was a lot more understandable that like you had forgiven him because we were all like we love him, and like this doesn't seem like aligned with who he is, and he the way like he would look at you and all these things, we were just like, he's so obsessed with her, you know, like yeah, he fucked up XYZ.
00:41:24.880 --> 00:41:26.960
Like we were almost making excuses for him.
00:41:27.119 --> 00:41:30.159
So when you got back with him, we were just like, Yeah, you know what?
00:41:30.239 --> 00:41:40.159
Like, we love him too, give him another chance, especially because you had given it a break and you had dated other people, and you were just like, I need to see this, I need to get back with him, I need to see it through.
00:41:40.480 --> 00:41:54.320
And you know, I think like given the circumstances, like you guys were in like a distance thing, and like it was definitely like a different situation than me and Colin's, which was like we were in distance, like that man had no excuse, he sucked.
00:41:54.400 --> 00:42:01.280
Where it was just like, I see when I look at like your reasoning for getting back together with him, like it makes sense to me.
00:42:01.440 --> 00:42:05.360
Like, I think in my situation, it made zero sense for me to get back with Colin.
00:42:05.440 --> 00:42:09.440
Like, he was gonna do it again, he hated himself, he was a bad person.
00:42:09.599 --> 00:42:27.360
Whereas, like with your ex-boyfriend, it was just like one of those situations where it's not so black and white, like it was a very gray area of like it, we just you know, it was different situation, and like it did make sense for you to revisit that and like see it through because I think it was something you needed too.
00:42:27.599 --> 00:43:24.320
Yeah, and I had just moved to LA, I was like grieving there and going through the emotions, but at the same time, I we did so much talking and so much uh communication that I think needed to happen even before it got to that point that we had just been avoiding, and then it just hit a wall later, and you know, obviously um we broke up before I even found out about the cheating for the second time, but um yeah, I mean it definitely gave me a sense of it was a weird sense of betrayal the second time because you're like I'm not with you, but kind of my image of who you are is is tainted now because I thought it was almost amicable, and now it that's just ruined in some way because I don't want anything to do with you now.
00:43:24.719 --> 00:43:26.079
No, a thousand percent and too.
00:43:26.239 --> 00:43:37.760
Like, I mean, I obviously wasn't dating him, but the way I saw him change where I used to see him as like this funny, confident, like fun person, and now I see him as like this weak, like you know, scared, immature person.
00:43:37.840 --> 00:43:46.239
Like I just see him in a totally different light where it was just like, damn, I really, really got bamboozled there.
00:43:46.559 --> 00:43:46.880
Yeah.
00:43:47.039 --> 00:43:53.679
I mean, I I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and this is totally like I'm just a very empathetic person.
00:43:53.760 --> 00:43:59.760
So I in some ways I do just feel like bad for him, and you know, I think he has demons he.
00:44:00.320 --> 00:44:18.639
Working through and it again, I just don't it just has nothing to do with me, and I think I was already kind of like dealing with things in the relationship and kind of slowly grieving it in some ways, so it was just a different I had a different reaction than I did the first time.
00:44:18.880 --> 00:44:37.519
Yeah, um, and also like the first time he told me about it, the second time the girl told me about it, so it was just different, but it it's still betrayal, it's just a different feeling, and it makes you question yourself still and your judgment.
00:44:37.599 --> 00:44:46.559
And I think that's like the worst part about getting cheated on is just how you you're like, What what is wrong with me and my picker?
00:44:46.719 --> 00:44:50.719
Like, why did I pick the right no?
00:44:50.800 --> 00:45:03.760
But I'm glad you said that because I really do think that if you are attracting a certain type of guy, you need to stop dating because there is a certain belief you have about yourself, or like there's a reason.
00:45:03.840 --> 00:45:06.559
Like you can just say, like, oh, it's just like dumb luck.
00:45:06.639 --> 00:45:12.639
Like, no, like you attract people on the energy level that you're on, on the frequency you're on, you attract people that are like you.
00:45:12.719 --> 00:45:20.639
So if you don't like what you're attracting, like you need to take a break from dating because it's just like you're there's a reason you're attracting that.
00:45:20.719 --> 00:45:23.360
And a lot of times it's because that person's mirroring you.
00:45:23.519 --> 00:45:34.320
So it's just like you don't like what you're seeing, like take a look in the mirror, babe, because like you were clicking with that person because you're similar, and you know, or else you wouldn't have put up with it for as long as you did.
00:45:34.400 --> 00:45:50.960
Because I think accepting their flaws is kind of saying, like, this isn't okay, and this thing that I do isn't okay for whatever reason, you know, or like it may not be a similarity, it may be like, why do I date people that you know are long like I I love an international thing because I swear I'm avoidant now.
00:45:51.119 --> 00:45:54.320
So I'm like, why do I love men that don't live in the same city with me?
00:45:54.400 --> 00:45:56.800
Yeah, like that are in complete different time zones.
00:45:56.960 --> 00:45:57.119
Yeah.
00:45:57.199 --> 00:46:20.480
Um, and it's because there's a part of me that's avoidant and it's scary to date somebody that's here that's real, that's like really making me prone to being hurt, like all of these things where it's just like be self-aware of why you're choosing these partners because it's not just like dumb luck, like there's a belief you have about yourself, or you know, maybe you're in a similar place, but it's not it's not for just no reason at all.
00:46:20.800 --> 00:46:35.199
Yeah, I think the wanting someone who lives in a different place than you live, and you're not even wanting to like live in that place and just be long distance is is just a sign that maybe you have like a commitment issue or you are avoidant.
00:46:35.360 --> 00:46:57.039
But yeah, that leads me to like we could talk, we don't have to go into crazy details about it, but your relationship after that, and this is why I understand why you would be avoidant in relationships in general, because your your relationship after, once you healed from the previous one and you were like, Okay, I'm gonna start dating.
00:46:57.280 --> 00:47:01.519
This is this relationship was so crazy to me.
00:47:01.599 --> 00:47:05.840
And I also have met this person, and this is when you first moved to LA.
00:47:06.000 --> 00:47:13.039
So again, from the outside perspective, this was a completely different type of man than the than the one before.
00:47:13.199 --> 00:47:17.039
So, of course, you're gonna be drawn to that because you're like, okay, he's nothing like my ex.
00:47:17.280 --> 00:47:21.119
So can you tell our listeners a little bit about that?
00:47:21.440 --> 00:47:22.400
No, a thousand percent.
00:47:22.559 --> 00:47:32.239
Um, basically, the guy I dated after that was um, I don't know, like that's the thing.
00:47:32.320 --> 00:47:36.079
It's like on paper, he made himself seem really great.
00:47:36.320 --> 00:47:42.800
So, like, I think um he kind of knew that I was out of his league.
00:47:42.960 --> 00:47:56.559
And I think that he lied a lot to me so that I would think he was somebody that he wasn't, so that I would date him essentially, just because when you look at us realistically on paper, I would never date him.
00:47:56.719 --> 00:48:04.320
Um and from night one, just completely lied to me about who he was, what he did for a living.
00:48:04.480 --> 00:48:07.920
Um, and he just kept up the lie for a really long time.
00:48:08.159 --> 00:48:15.039
Um and I just remember like starting to see kind of holes, and it was all about like his business, what he was doing.
00:48:15.199 --> 00:48:20.559
Um, and he let's let's say like the way he portrayed himself was like this knight in shining armor.
00:48:20.719 --> 00:48:23.920
Like he was just this great guy, had a great dad.
00:48:24.000 --> 00:48:27.039
His parents were still together, and he just like knew how to treat a woman.
00:48:27.199 --> 00:48:28.239
Um, and he was great.
00:48:28.320 --> 00:48:36.320
Like, that's what sucked is he was my dream kind of partner, but I wanted to mean we were best friends, we had an amazing time together, we had great sex.
00:48:36.639 --> 00:48:38.239
Um, he was an amazing boyfriend.
00:48:38.320 --> 00:48:44.239
I remember I would wake up like almost every morning and I would have coffee on my bedside table and flowers and handwritten notes.
00:48:44.320 --> 00:48:46.320
Like it almost just felt like like a dream.
00:48:46.480 --> 00:48:46.719
Yeah.
00:48:46.880 --> 00:48:49.440
And um yeah, it just wasn't real.
00:48:49.599 --> 00:48:51.199
Like he was lying about.
00:48:51.360 --> 00:48:53.519
I don't, I still don't really know how he made money.
00:48:53.599 --> 00:48:56.320
I still don't know how he was paying my rent.
00:48:56.480 --> 00:48:58.559
Like he started just saying, like, you shouldn't pay your rent.
00:48:58.639 --> 00:49:01.360
He's paying for my rent, he was paying for my flights, he was taking me on trips.
00:49:01.519 --> 00:49:04.800
Like, um, I don't think he was doing anything shady, I will say that.
00:49:04.880 --> 00:49:08.559
Like, I don't think it was like something like Epstein related.
00:49:08.639 --> 00:49:12.159
I don't think it was a hundred percent maybe like great either.
00:49:12.400 --> 00:49:13.920
Um, I don't know what he did.
00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:17.360
I just remember as soon as I kind of realized he was lying, I was out.
00:49:17.519 --> 00:49:26.719
And like that's the thing is like this once you start to kind of date after you've been hurt or lied to in a relationship, it doesn't matter what they did for you in the relationship.
00:49:26.880 --> 00:49:29.360
You just know, like, I've dated before, I've moved on.
00:49:29.519 --> 00:49:31.760
Every time I move on, I date someone better.
00:49:31.920 --> 00:49:38.639
And so you just like you have the confidence of like, not only will I find this person again, but I'll find somebody even better.
00:49:38.800 --> 00:49:39.039
Yeah.
00:49:39.119 --> 00:49:41.679
Um, you know what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not.
00:49:41.920 --> 00:49:42.159
Yeah.
00:49:42.320 --> 00:49:48.960
And then I think like after that relationship, I did date and I was having fun and I was just dating and I was traveling a lot.
00:49:49.199 --> 00:49:57.440
Um, and then I think I got too comfortable being alone to where like, and it's not that I'm I wouldn't even say that I'm avoidant now.
00:49:57.519 --> 00:50:00.559
Like I think a lot of people label it as avoidant.
00:50:00.800 --> 00:50:08.480
I think it's like I know what I want and I know what I deserve, and I'm not just gonna date somebody that's not that.
00:50:08.639 --> 00:50:08.880
Yeah.
00:50:09.039 --> 00:50:18.639
And I think with the international guys, it's like this kind of gray area where it's like they kind of know what the relationship is gonna be too, and it's not gonna be anything serious.
00:50:18.880 --> 00:50:22.000
And we're just we're both not looking for that.
00:50:22.159 --> 00:50:25.119
Like it's kind of just like you're in town, let's hang out.
00:50:25.280 --> 00:50:28.000
Like, let's, you know, I'll see you when you're in town.
00:50:28.159 --> 00:50:29.679
Um, just because I know what I want.
00:50:29.760 --> 00:50:30.320
And that's the thing.
00:50:30.400 --> 00:50:33.280
It's like all my friends are always like, How do you find these like great men?
00:50:33.360 --> 00:50:35.679
Because I always end up dating and finding somebody great.
00:50:35.760 --> 00:50:42.239
And it's like, because I don't settle, like I don't settle for the weird in-between people that I'm like, oh, they would be perfect if they have this.
00:50:42.320 --> 00:50:44.000
Like, I'm just gonna try to change them.
00:50:44.239 --> 00:50:44.559
Yeah.
00:50:44.800 --> 00:50:49.119
And I just date people, you have to date somebody like for who they are when you meet them.
00:50:49.280 --> 00:50:51.760
Because if you meet somebody and you're like, I can just help them fit.
00:50:52.000 --> 00:50:52.880
No, no, no, no, no.
00:50:53.039 --> 00:50:54.639
You're you can't do that.
00:50:54.800 --> 00:50:58.159
You have to you have to like accept someone for who they are when you meet them.
00:50:58.320 --> 00:51:01.280
And if you don't like anything about them, give it a give it a week.
00:51:01.360 --> 00:51:03.679
Like someone else will come along, I promise you.
00:51:03.840 --> 00:51:05.280
And if not, like who cares?
00:51:05.440 --> 00:51:11.199
Like, my whole thing now is like if you're not making my life better in some way, it's just not worth it to me.
00:51:11.360 --> 00:51:13.039
Because like, I'm so happy alone.
00:51:13.119 --> 00:51:14.880
I have such an amazing group of friends.
00:51:15.039 --> 00:51:19.599
And if you're not changing my life for the better, why would I give you my time and my energy?
00:51:19.679 --> 00:51:20.400
It's so precious.
00:51:20.480 --> 00:51:24.000
Like, I'm busy, I'm really busy and I'm surrounded by great people.
00:51:24.079 --> 00:51:28.079
Why would I take time away from them to be with somebody that makes me feel like I'm not enough?
00:51:28.239 --> 00:51:31.599
Or that's you know, that I'm just not aligned with essentially.
00:51:31.760 --> 00:51:34.400
So it's just like be picky because you only live once.
00:51:34.480 --> 00:51:39.920
And like, just like I said, you don't want to look back when you're 80 and be like, I wasted a year with this person.
00:51:40.079 --> 00:51:41.679
I wasted four years with this person.
00:51:41.760 --> 00:51:44.719
I spent eight years really on the first guy that I dated.
00:51:44.880 --> 00:51:50.320
And like, you know, I I don't regret anything now because I think like everything's led to the place I'm in now.
00:51:50.400 --> 00:51:55.039
And you know, I I wouldn't trade anything for the world because I love my life now.
00:51:55.360 --> 00:52:04.400
Um, but I think it's just like being aware of like this person isn't my person and someone else will be better for me.
00:52:04.480 --> 00:52:06.639
I just have to kind of accept that.
00:52:06.800 --> 00:52:14.880
And I think too, like, I want to ask you too, because a big part of breaking up with somebody is not wanting to see them with somebody else.
00:52:15.519 --> 00:52:34.320
So, like, did you kind of have that like when you were thinking about like forgiving your ex or like you mean as a a reason to get back together or yeah, like getting back together and even to like you know, when you break up, like it's just something that kind of keeps you in the relationship for longer.
00:52:34.400 --> 00:52:38.159
It's just like I don't want to see them with somebody else, like I would rather die.
00:52:38.880 --> 00:52:43.599
Yeah, I mean, God, do you ever really want to see your ex with someone else anyway?
00:52:43.679 --> 00:52:48.880
I feel like I mean, I guess if you that's a good question.
00:52:49.119 --> 00:52:54.719
I think that can definitely be part of it, maybe even subconsciously.
00:52:55.039 --> 00:53:16.000
In I think in my relationship, it was just that person was my best friend, and dating is so hard, and getting to know someone is so hard, and especially someone like me, like I am very picky and I am picky on who I open up to and let my guard down with.
00:53:16.320 --> 00:53:19.519
But that definitely plays into it.
00:53:19.679 --> 00:53:34.800
I think especially if you end a relationship and it's amicable, it's almost worse because you're like friendly with them and you're you're also you're also like, wow, I'm friends with you, and I still can see that you're dating people.
00:53:34.880 --> 00:53:51.039
Like I remember my first real love when we broke up, we didn't even really break up, we almost just kind of just moved on from each other because we left college, and I was always like, I can't imagine him with someone else.
00:53:51.280 --> 00:53:53.760
I can't imagine me with someone else in the beginning, obviously.
00:53:53.840 --> 00:54:10.800
And then when you start seeing that and seeing someone move on and date other people, it just becomes normal, but it's weird at first, especially in your 20s, because you only have like a handful of relationships that are like really meaningful to you, or you're only a couple times you really love someone.
00:54:10.960 --> 00:54:22.960
Yeah, and I think if you the thought of them with someone else makes you sick, then you know that you actually love that person or love them and you hold a piece of them in your heart.
00:54:23.360 --> 00:54:32.159
If you don't care, which I've had a relationship like that where the person moved on, I am I could not care, I could not care less.
00:54:32.239 --> 00:54:35.840
So you know I'm like, great, fine.
00:54:36.079 --> 00:54:37.760
That was like my relationship, yeah.
00:54:38.079 --> 00:54:55.519
Yeah, and I feel like then you just know maybe that wasn't love, but yeah, I think that is definitely a reason people probably stay in relationships longer than they should, because they don't want that person to be with someone else, even if you're not the one who wants them.
00:54:55.840 --> 00:55:05.199
I will argue though, because like I feel like I mean, I definitely struggle with self-esteem issues, maybe like potentially abandonment issues, but I have a big thing on like I don't want to be replaced.
00:55:05.440 --> 00:55:14.400
Like, I think that's a big reason where I'm like, oh, he's gonna love love them more and the family's gonna love them more and all these things, where it's just like who cares, you know.
00:55:14.639 --> 00:55:25.760
And I think that's like something I wish I could tell teenage self and 20-year-old self because now that I'm in my 30s, I think like I've seen so much and I've experienced so much that I just know I'm gonna find love again.
00:55:25.840 --> 00:55:29.840
I know I'm gonna find another guy that has a great family and all of these things that I thought were irreplaceable.
00:55:30.000 --> 00:55:37.519
So, like if you are in your teens or your 20s and you're like have that mindset of like, I'm never gonna find someone like this person again.
00:55:37.760 --> 00:55:42.960
Let me tell you, not only will you meet them, but you will meet better, more evolved versions of them.
00:55:43.039 --> 00:55:45.360
Like, there are 8 billion people on this planet.
00:55:45.599 --> 00:55:56.480
You are going to have much greater loves than this person, and like you deserve more than somebody that like had the audacity to literally cheat make the decision to cheat on you.
00:55:56.639 --> 00:55:57.840
And it just sucks at first.
00:55:57.920 --> 00:56:06.480
And like, I will say, like, that was a big thing is like I hated the thought of my second the hockey playing ex-boyfriend, like being with somebody else.
00:56:06.639 --> 00:56:11.840
And I think that kept me in the relationship for a lot longer than I should have been.
00:56:12.079 --> 00:56:16.400
But you have to think about it from the same like 80-year-old perspective alternative.
00:56:16.559 --> 00:56:22.559
Like, am I happy that I stayed with somebody that I wasn't fully happy with and that I knew I wasn't fully happy with?
00:56:22.719 --> 00:56:25.039
Cause like now me and that guy are friends.
00:56:25.280 --> 00:56:30.320
Funny enough, um, so literally a bridesmaid in his sister's wedding like a year ago.
00:56:30.480 --> 00:56:33.360
And like he was there and we're friends, and I met his ex-girlfriend.
00:56:33.440 --> 00:56:35.280
And like, I want I say we're friends very loosely.
00:56:35.440 --> 00:56:37.920
Like, we do not talk on a consistent basis.
00:56:38.079 --> 00:56:43.840
Like, we're friends in the fact that like we are amicable, we follow each other on Instagram, we do not speak, we do not cross any weird boundaries.
00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:48.639
I mean, me, me and this guy dated for like eight years, and so like obviously I became very close with his family.
00:56:48.800 --> 00:56:50.400
I became very close with his sisters.
00:56:50.639 --> 00:56:53.360
You're friendly, yeah, and he was okay with it.
00:56:53.519 --> 00:57:01.199
I think it would have been something where if the girlfriend, his current girlfriend at the time, or like he had been uncomfortable with it, I would have been like, absolutely not.
00:57:01.440 --> 00:57:09.519
But it's just like, you know, every relationship, it's just like it will work out the way it's supposed to, and like you just can't worry about being replaced.
00:57:09.599 --> 00:57:18.239
Like, I literally was at the wedding with him and his girlfriend, watching them dance X, Y, Z, and like did not feel a ping of affection for this man.
00:57:18.480 --> 00:57:22.800
Like, once you're away from the relationship, like truly just have to give it time.
00:57:22.960 --> 00:57:28.239
You will not care if this person, like what happens to them at all in any way, shape, or form.
00:57:28.320 --> 00:57:29.199
It's just a time thing.
00:57:29.360 --> 00:57:33.760
Like, it sucks in the beginning, and just mute them on everything, block them if you have to.
00:57:33.840 --> 00:57:38.719
You have to go no contact, like as much as it sucks, you should not see what they're doing.
00:57:38.880 --> 00:57:40.880
It's just it's just gonna make you feel bad.
00:57:40.960 --> 00:57:41.840
It never helps.
00:57:42.079 --> 00:57:44.079
Like, mute them on everything.
00:57:44.400 --> 00:57:50.559
Do not look at what they're doing, do not think about what they're doing, and just focus on you, put all your energy back into yourself.
00:57:50.639 --> 00:57:55.199
And there will become a day where you wake up and you just do not care if they're dating somebody now.
00:57:55.679 --> 00:58:06.880
But like, I think until that point, just don't think about it, don't ask, don't look, like, don't do that to yourself because like you will not care eventually, you know?
00:58:07.119 --> 00:58:13.679
Yeah, because I and I think I think you're also just like you're not replaceable, you know.
00:58:14.159 --> 00:58:19.679
You're you're you're an individual and you made an impact in that person's life and their family.
00:58:19.920 --> 00:58:21.360
You dated for a long time.
00:58:21.519 --> 00:58:24.559
Like you that's just not that's you're not replaceable.
00:58:24.719 --> 00:58:28.480
It's not like, oh, I'm gonna substitute Michelle in for this new person.
00:58:28.639 --> 00:58:47.679
It's just that that you know, it didn't work out, and they're gonna find someone, you're gonna find someone, but you know, they they'll always remember, you know, it's always gonna be it's just a different person, it's not like let's get a cookie cutter carbon copy, you know.
00:58:47.920 --> 00:58:52.400
No, and one could say too, it's like pretty fucked up to stay with somebody for that reason.
00:58:52.559 --> 00:58:58.239
Like if somebody said, I'm only with you because I don't want to see you with somebody else, it would be like, please break up with me.
00:58:58.320 --> 00:59:01.840
Like, please let me be with somebody else because that's such a terrible reason.
00:59:01.920 --> 00:59:13.119
So it's kind of one of those things where it's like if that is a sole thing that like you were staying in the relationship because you just like or a sole reason for getting back together with somebody that cheated you because you're just like, I don't want to see them with somebody else.
00:59:13.280 --> 00:59:16.800
Like, do not let that be because you will find somebody better.
00:59:16.960 --> 00:59:17.679
I promise you that.
00:59:17.840 --> 00:59:22.880
Because like I think about all the time how him cheating on me changed the entire trajectory of my life.
00:59:23.119 --> 00:59:28.960
Like, yeah, I did not want kids and I did not want to make like I did not want to get married.
00:59:29.119 --> 00:59:30.880
Like, I've I've known that about myself.
00:59:31.039 --> 00:59:35.920
Um, and he, Colin, the one that cheated on me, really wanted kids and really wanted to get married.
00:59:36.000 --> 00:59:46.159
That's why him introducing me to a pastor that he wanted to marry us just felt so bizarre because we had gotten into actual arguments where he was just like, please tell me there's just a chance that you want to get married to me.
00:59:46.239 --> 00:59:48.239
And I was just like, this just isn't something I want.
00:59:48.400 --> 00:59:49.440
Like, I don't want kids.
00:59:49.679 --> 00:59:52.960
I want to live my life for me, and like I don't want to have to give that up.
00:59:53.199 --> 00:59:55.840
And he just couldn't grasp that.
00:59:56.000 --> 01:00:03.440
And I think that I eventually just the place that he had me in would have convinced me to marry him and have his kids.
01:00:03.840 --> 01:00:11.360
And so I just think like now I'm living out in LA, I'm, you know, doing social media, which is something I could never even dream of doing.
01:00:11.519 --> 01:00:15.119
And I love doing it, it's like my most rewarding job that I've ever had.
01:00:15.280 --> 01:00:16.480
Um, skateboarding.
01:00:16.559 --> 01:00:21.199
I didn't even start skateboarding until I moved out here and I'm already sponsored essentially.
01:00:21.440 --> 01:00:25.760
Um, and so there's all of these things where it's like I'm living my dream life now.
01:00:25.920 --> 01:00:37.119
And had this man not cheated on me, I genuinely think I would have stayed in that relationship out of a place of like abandonment, out of because like how he had just gotten me into this really dark place.
01:00:37.519 --> 01:00:41.599
And I think I just would have stayed in it because I had this belief that I was never gonna do better.
01:00:41.760 --> 01:00:47.280
So, like, that's why in the beginning of this podcast, I was literally like, congratulations, because it freed me.
01:00:47.440 --> 01:00:49.599
Like I was in a prison and it freed me.
01:00:49.760 --> 01:00:53.119
And, you know, a few months after we broke up is when I decided I was gonna move to LA.
01:00:53.199 --> 01:00:54.079
I'd never been here before.
01:00:54.159 --> 01:00:57.519
I just had a gut feeling and I followed it, and it's changed my life.
01:00:57.599 --> 01:00:59.679
I'm literally out here and I'm living my dream life.
01:00:59.840 --> 01:01:02.719
I everything about my life just feels like a dream.
01:01:02.880 --> 01:01:04.880
Um, and obviously, like there's ups and downs.
01:01:04.960 --> 01:01:14.800
I'm not saying my life is perfect by any means, but like, I mean, you I'm not gonna say his name, but like there's people I've dated out here that I've never even dreamed of that I would date ever in my life.
01:01:14.960 --> 01:01:30.000
I mean, it's people that I grew up like watching on movies and TV shows, and like, you know, people that I listen to, like their songs and like all of these things, where it's just like that's part of being in LA is you're like you're just a you're changed your dating pool, and so you're surrounded by these people.
01:01:30.239 --> 01:01:33.199
Um, but it's just like to think that this is my life now.
01:01:33.360 --> 01:01:40.239
Like I'm dating people I had a crush on when I was younger, versus like being living in upstate New York with this man.
01:01:40.400 --> 01:01:47.440
My whole family's in Georgia, having children, being married to someone that's probably cheating on me, probably making me gaslighting me into thinking I'm this person I'm not.
01:01:47.519 --> 01:02:04.400
Where it's just like him cheating on me is the best thing that ever happened to me because I started the journaling, it shifted my mindset, it shifted everything, like how I dated, how I felt about myself, all of these things to where I would not be in the amazing, happy, like place that I'm in today had he not done that to me.
01:02:04.559 --> 01:02:04.880
Yeah.
01:02:05.119 --> 01:02:06.239
So thank you, Colin.
01:02:06.719 --> 01:02:12.559
Thank you, Colin, because you actually did change my life, and I feel so horrible for the girl that's with you now.
01:02:12.639 --> 01:02:14.480
But maybe you guys are more compatible.
01:02:14.880 --> 01:02:17.280
He did you a favor, such a favor.
01:02:18.639 --> 01:02:25.280
They I feel I really feel like everything happens for a reason and leads you to where you're supposed to go.
01:02:25.360 --> 01:02:32.559
And obviously, like even if it's so painful, you grow from it, and that growth just like propels you forward, right?
01:02:32.800 --> 01:02:48.880
And you know, obviously, there are people who just repeat cycles and patterns and you know, date the same kind of person, but they're not doing the work like you did, which is journaling and you know, reflecting and having therapy or whatever it is for for you that works.
01:02:49.039 --> 01:03:04.639
It's like that is so and I think a big part of that is not jumping into like the next relationship and actually like grieving and and uh reflecting on everything and being alone and being okay with being alone because I'm the same way.
01:03:04.719 --> 01:03:09.039
Like when I was single, I was happy as a clam.
01:03:09.519 --> 01:03:13.119
I could not could not even be bothered at times.
01:03:13.440 --> 01:03:33.599
And it takes like a very special person or a certain connection to actually make that worth it and you know, make it worth it to not spend time with my friends, but spend time with this person or like leave my house to to do something with that person instead of just like going to sleep at nine o'clock, you know?
01:03:34.159 --> 01:03:53.920
So yeah, no, and I will say too, like I used to be, I'd probably pick me is probably the only word for it, but like in my 20s, like I would do things that I thought guys would think were like hot or cool, or like I'd pretend to have hobbies, like this isn't an actual example, but a great example.
01:03:54.000 --> 01:04:06.239
Like, say that they played golf, I'd like pick up golf, which like never actually happened, but like to some extent, there definitely wasn't a a situation like that where I would adopt a hobby or a you know, a liking to something because a guy liked it.
01:04:06.480 --> 01:04:11.039
And as I got older, I realized that they actually hate that shit.
01:04:11.199 --> 01:04:13.599
Like they don't want you to have some.
01:04:13.920 --> 01:04:24.559
I mean, it's cool if you guys have similarities, but they want you to have your own life, like they want you to do something because you enjoy doing it, they don't want you to cancel your plans because you know, to see them.
01:04:24.639 --> 01:04:25.920
That's not romantic to them.
01:04:26.079 --> 01:04:31.840
Like a guy, like I don't know if anyone's read the book called Why Men Love Bitches, but she makes like an amazing metaphor.
01:04:31.920 --> 01:04:36.719
And I always say it to my friends because it's just such a good example.
01:04:36.880 --> 01:04:40.159
So basically, she said, men like to hunt.
01:04:40.400 --> 01:04:52.559
So if they, you know, they wake up in the morning at 6 a.m., it's freezing cold, they cover themselves in like face paint, whatever, and they trudge through mud and sticks and God knows what else just to shoot a deer.
01:04:52.719 --> 01:04:56.960
And then they're posing with the picture of the deer and they're all smiling and they're all proud of it, right?
01:04:57.199 --> 01:04:57.360
Yeah.
01:04:57.679 --> 01:04:59.360
He hunted for it, he worked for it.
01:04:59.599 --> 01:05:08.000
Versus if you were to drop a dead deer on their doorstep and they woke up in the morning, they're not gonna be squatting on the ground taking the picture with the deer.
01:05:08.079 --> 01:05:11.280
They're gonna be like, who on earth left a deer on my doorstep?
01:05:11.360 --> 01:05:12.880
Like, this is disgusting.
01:05:13.119 --> 01:05:14.559
Get this dead deer out of here.
01:05:14.719 --> 01:05:16.960
It's probably covered in diseases and God knows what.
01:05:17.119 --> 01:05:25.920
So I'll call tell my friends when they're making themselves be too available for men or like canceling plans or like bending over backwards just to like date them, like you're being a dead deer.
01:05:26.079 --> 01:05:26.800
Because it's true.
01:05:26.880 --> 01:05:46.480
It's like, don't dead deer yourself for men, like stick to your own schedule, have your own life and make it so like that's like another thing between my between Colin and then the guy that lied to me, my my last serious boyfriend that I dated, um, is in the relationship with I don't know what what should I call him?
01:05:47.119 --> 01:05:47.599
Bob.
01:05:47.920 --> 01:05:49.840
Um with Bob.
01:05:50.159 --> 01:05:55.039
I made it so that my life really didn't change when he left.
01:05:55.199 --> 01:05:57.760
Like I had the same schedule, I had the same plans.
01:05:58.159 --> 01:06:00.320
Obviously, financially things were a little Different.
01:06:00.480 --> 01:06:01.360
Bob was great though.
01:06:01.440 --> 01:06:06.480
Bob actually paid my rent three months after we broke up because he had made the commitment to.
01:06:06.800 --> 01:06:08.960
I honestly even hate saying bad things.
01:06:09.039 --> 01:06:09.199
Yeah.
01:06:09.360 --> 01:06:11.440
Um, I mean, he lied as fuck.
01:06:11.599 --> 01:06:11.760
Yeah.
01:06:11.840 --> 01:06:13.679
But like, I mean, he took responsibility.
01:06:13.760 --> 01:06:20.800
And, you know, it just shows that, like, yeah, he was lying, but he still, I still leveled up in terms of like what I was dating.
01:06:20.960 --> 01:06:32.960
Um, and when I was dating Colin, I had given up and sacrificed so much of who I was, and I'd given up so much of my life that when he left, there was like this gaping hole where I just felt like empty.
01:06:33.119 --> 01:06:37.679
Versus when I broke up with Bob, he left, but there wasn't much of a hole to fill.
01:06:37.760 --> 01:06:40.719
Like it was sad, and I was like, He's my best friend, and that kind of sucks.
01:06:40.800 --> 01:06:44.000
But he also lied to me, and that's kind of messed up, and I don't deserve that.
01:06:44.239 --> 01:06:49.039
So the healing process after Bob, like I really wasn't that sad.
01:06:49.199 --> 01:07:02.159
Like, unfortunately, like I was a little bit, but not as much as like after Colin that that messed me up, and it's because I had a much bigger hole to fill, because I had given up so much of my life and myself to make that relationship work.
01:07:02.400 --> 01:07:12.559
So it's just like almost be like if if you feel super empty and you miss that person so much and you're dying to get back with them after they've literally cheated on you.
01:07:12.639 --> 01:07:18.559
That's a sign, that's a bad sign that you gave up way too much of yourself to make that relationship work.
01:07:18.719 --> 01:07:25.440
Like you were giving up too much, and like you need to put that energy back into you before you can even revisit getting back together with that person.
01:07:25.599 --> 01:07:28.639
You need to recalibrate your energy, recalibrate your schedule.
01:07:28.880 --> 01:07:37.199
Like that's a bad sign if you're missing someone so much to the point of like thinking of even getting back together with them without having them do therapy or something.
01:07:37.360 --> 01:07:42.480
Like, there needs to be a solid break in between them cheating on you and getting back together.
01:07:42.559 --> 01:07:47.280
Like they need to prove themselves that they're working on themselves, that you know, you're putting energy into you.
01:07:47.360 --> 01:07:49.039
Like, there's so much that needs to happen.
01:07:49.280 --> 01:07:49.679
Yeah.
01:07:49.920 --> 01:07:53.440
I mean, it's so easy to lose yourself in relationships like that.
01:07:53.519 --> 01:08:06.719
And I feel like your example about the golf thing, while it's important to obviously take an interest in your partner's interests and be open to, you know, uh exploring their hobbies with them and things that they like.
01:08:06.960 --> 01:08:16.479
You also can't like pretend you like something when you don't, because then that person also doesn't know who they're started, started dating, just like with your situation with Bob.
01:08:16.560 --> 01:08:30.239
It's like you didn't really know him, and maybe that's what made it easier in some ways, just to kind of get over it, because you're like, Well, he lied, so I don't really know who he is, and like our relationship was great for what it was.
01:08:30.399 --> 01:08:34.399
But if you don't really know the person, it's like, what are you even grieving?
01:08:34.560 --> 01:08:36.479
You're like, I don't really know you.
01:08:36.640 --> 01:08:39.039
So exactly that's kind of how it is.
01:08:39.119 --> 01:09:00.399
If you if you kind of are a pick me girl, or or you go through relationships trying to fit into that person's mold and who they want you to be, then you lose yourself, and that person also just never really gets to know the amazing person you are, and then no one makes the right decision because you're like, Who who am I even sleeping next to?
01:09:00.640 --> 01:09:01.600
No, a thousand percent.
01:09:01.680 --> 01:09:05.920
And and I I do think that's part of the reason why it was so easy for me to move on from Bob.
01:09:06.159 --> 01:09:07.840
Yeah, because I was like, Who are you?
01:09:07.920 --> 01:09:10.319
Like, I don't even know who you are, like even lying.
01:09:10.479 --> 01:09:12.479
But I think that makes up that brings up a good point too.
01:09:12.560 --> 01:09:17.439
Of like, if you want somebody to like miss you and like want to be with you, like make yourself missable.
01:09:17.680 --> 01:09:21.119
Like, don't fake who you are, be genuine, be real.
01:09:21.279 --> 01:09:25.760
Cause it's just like, too, why would you want to attract somebody that doesn't love you for you?
01:09:25.920 --> 01:09:36.479
Because like with Bob, it's like he attracted me, thinking, like, okay, the only way this girl is gonna date me is if I do XYZ, and then you know, eventually I find out who he is.
01:09:36.560 --> 01:09:39.359
Like, no one wants to live the lie and have to keep up with the lie.
01:09:39.439 --> 01:09:44.239
Cause eventually it's like, and why would you want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with you for like who you are?
01:09:44.479 --> 01:09:45.760
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
01:09:45.920 --> 01:09:49.199
It's like, why would you want to live that lie?
01:09:49.600 --> 01:10:13.439
And it just it would it would start to weigh on him after a while, trying to keep up with these disappearance that of someone he's not, and it it robs you both of the experience that you could have had if he was honest, because maybe if he was, you would have loved him for who he was, or maybe not, but at least like you would know and yeah, yeah.
01:10:13.680 --> 01:10:18.960
No, I think it's just like he made that relationship, so in that breakup was nine day.
01:10:19.039 --> 01:10:26.880
Like, I I think I was going on dates like a few weeks after, you know, like it was just and it's simply because I just hadn't I had no idea who he was.
01:10:27.039 --> 01:10:31.119
Like, I was just like there's nothing to grieve when you don't know the person.
01:10:31.600 --> 01:10:32.000
Yeah, yeah.
01:10:32.159 --> 01:10:34.239
No, and that's the thing too, is everyone loved Bob.
01:10:34.399 --> 01:10:35.439
Like my all my friends.
01:10:35.520 --> 01:10:39.840
Well, there was one friend that was on to him, and she knew she knew.
01:10:40.239 --> 01:10:43.920
Um, but yeah, the rest of my friends were like, He's so great.
01:10:44.079 --> 01:10:47.359
Like, my family loved him, and like I don't know.
01:10:47.600 --> 01:10:50.159
I I don't know, I think everyone like eventually too.
01:10:50.239 --> 01:10:51.199
Some people started swaying.
01:10:51.359 --> 01:10:54.720
Like, I think my sisters towards the end started being, I don't know, Bob Bob.
01:10:54.960 --> 01:10:58.800
And like, um, yeah, listen to your friends too.
01:10:58.880 --> 01:11:05.920
I will say, like, if the majority of your friends have a consensus about the person you're dating, maybe, maybe listen.
01:11:06.159 --> 01:11:14.479
Yeah, because you you have blinders on when you date, and you know, especially if someone's treating you that well, you're just like, Well, what's wrong with him?
01:11:14.560 --> 01:11:16.079
What is he compensating for?
01:11:16.560 --> 01:11:18.960
Yeah, if he's treating me this way, what could be wrong?
01:11:19.199 --> 01:11:24.239
I will say that about Bob too, is Bob did not let me, not let me, I still did it.
01:11:24.479 --> 01:11:29.039
He we would get in and fights because he didn't like that I had male friends.
01:11:29.680 --> 01:11:31.600
And that that was Bob's fault.
01:11:31.680 --> 01:11:33.439
Like, that's a huge red flag to me.
01:11:33.600 --> 01:11:44.479
Like, if a guy is not okay with you having friends of the opposite gender, um, because it makes me wonder, like, why do you have those, like, I can why can you not be friends with women?
01:11:44.560 --> 01:11:46.000
Like, you know, like it's weird.
01:11:46.159 --> 01:11:52.720
It's either showing like a huge insecurity about that person, or it's they're kind of like, like, it's another thing.
01:11:52.800 --> 01:11:59.840
If if your partner is accusing you of cheating and you're not cheating, maybe take a look into that because that projection is real.
01:11:59.920 --> 01:12:03.760
Like, I've seen that before where the partner will be like, You're cheating, you're cheating.
01:12:03.920 --> 01:12:06.079
If you're not cheating, they're they might be cheating.
01:12:06.159 --> 01:12:07.600
Yeah, yeah, it might be cheating.
01:12:07.760 --> 01:12:13.600
It is project projecting because they could be like, I know the signs because I'm the signs.
01:12:13.840 --> 01:12:14.640
Yeah, well, too.
01:12:14.720 --> 01:12:18.399
I think you're just paranoid because you're like, Well, I'm doing it, so maybe they're probably doing too.
01:12:18.640 --> 01:12:22.960
Yeah, um, yeah, no, I've I've seen that one a few times as well for sure.
01:12:23.439 --> 01:12:23.840
Yeah.
01:12:24.000 --> 01:12:34.720
Um so do you think that after dating Bob you were in a healthy space?
01:12:35.119 --> 01:12:36.640
Because you said you started dating right after.
01:12:36.720 --> 01:12:39.920
Do you think that you were in this like a healthy head space?
01:12:40.239 --> 01:12:48.000
Because I remember we would almost laugh about it and and how that went down just because it was so out of it was so obscure.
01:12:48.239 --> 01:12:48.479
Yeah.
01:12:48.720 --> 01:12:51.840
Like that that kind of lying just doesn't happen very often.
01:12:52.000 --> 01:12:54.479
I feel like it's something you re you watch in like a documentary.
01:12:54.960 --> 01:12:56.560
No, it was like, so who the fuck did I marry?
01:12:56.640 --> 01:12:57.119
It was crazy.
01:12:57.359 --> 01:12:58.239
Yeah, yeah.
01:12:58.880 --> 01:13:12.000
So how did that affect your ability to again like pick someone or or know or trust yourself or your or your decision making or your intuition?
01:13:12.479 --> 01:13:19.600
I think I didn't see it as like this was the person, like I'm choosing the wrong person.
01:13:20.079 --> 01:13:23.520
Because it's not like I chose him knowing that that was the case.
01:13:23.760 --> 01:13:28.960
Like I kind of saw it as like I thought I was choosing someone great and they deceived me.
01:13:29.199 --> 01:13:36.880
I think it was more so why did I stay in it when I started kind of seeing the holes and like believing him?
01:13:37.199 --> 01:13:41.760
Um, and I mean, I think that was just because I, you know, was reaping a lot of rewards from that relationship.
01:13:41.840 --> 01:13:45.760
I was getting my rent paid, I was going on free trips, I was getting like all this free food.
01:13:45.840 --> 01:13:48.479
And not only that, like I, you know, I loved the guy.
01:13:48.560 --> 01:13:50.000
Like he was my best friend.
01:13:50.079 --> 01:13:52.319
We were having amazing sex, like the relationship was great.
01:13:52.399 --> 01:13:57.439
There was not like we would get into the fight about the guy friends thing, but other than that, the relationship was like perfect.
01:13:57.520 --> 01:14:00.800
So I was just kind of like, if that's the worst thing about our relationship, great.
01:14:00.960 --> 01:14:06.159
Um, and so when I left, I was I kind of didn't see it as like this is a me problem.
01:14:06.239 --> 01:14:09.279
I was like, no, I was deceived by somebody.
01:14:09.439 --> 01:14:13.439
And then the second I realized that he was lying to me, I left.
01:14:13.600 --> 01:14:16.640
So it like I never saw it as like I'm choosing the wrong person.
01:14:16.800 --> 01:14:24.479
I think had I found out and then stayed and given him chance after chance and he just kept hurting me, I would be like, I need to take a look at like why.
01:14:24.640 --> 01:14:29.199
But I mean, the second I realized he wasn't who he was saying he was, out, get your stuff.
01:14:29.279 --> 01:14:29.680
I'm done.
01:14:29.760 --> 01:14:32.720
I don't care that you're paying my bills, I don't care you're doing XYZ, I'll find this again.
01:14:32.960 --> 01:14:34.640
Yeah, you also lived together.
01:14:34.880 --> 01:14:36.960
So that was a little complicated.
01:14:37.199 --> 01:14:42.720
But really soon off the bat, because what happened was I was moving to LA November, like November 1st, I think.
01:14:42.880 --> 01:14:47.680
And I met him September 30th, or like around that time, September 25th, something like that.
01:14:47.920 --> 01:14:54.319
Um, and so we had like a really intense month in Atlanta, and then he came out to LA and stayed with me.
01:14:54.479 --> 01:14:58.239
And he started being like, You don't need to find a place, I'll get us a place.
01:14:58.399 --> 01:15:02.079
And he was essentially living with me at that point too, because he was coming and staying with me out in LA.
01:15:02.159 --> 01:15:08.800
And then he's we started looking at$20,000 a month homes, which like I was like, sweet, like this is great.
01:15:09.039 --> 01:15:16.079
Um and so he kind of sold me on like, I'm gonna, you know, make it so that you can just focus on XYZ and I'm gonna pay for all the groceries.
01:15:16.239 --> 01:15:16.640
And that's the thing.
01:15:16.720 --> 01:15:21.840
Like, we were going to Erawan and getting groceries, we were going to Nobu and Malibu, like man was getting money somehow.
01:15:22.079 --> 01:15:35.279
Um, and so it was one of those things where it's like I had no reason to not believe him because it's not like he and that's when that's when I kind of started to see the faults when all of a sudden he'd be like, I can't pay for this because X, you know, this money hasn't come through.
01:15:35.359 --> 01:15:37.119
And I started being like, Well, why is that?
01:15:37.359 --> 01:15:39.840
You know, you've made it seem like you have all this money, so why is it a problem?
01:15:39.920 --> 01:15:43.680
And I don't want people to think, like, oh, you were only with him because you had money.
01:15:43.840 --> 01:15:48.159
It's like, no, you he presented himself as like this is no problem.
01:15:48.319 --> 01:15:49.920
I'm gonna do this for you, X, Y's.
01:15:50.079 --> 01:15:57.520
You know, it's just like like not the only reason I was with him, but it was definitely a perk of being with him, was like, Well, this is great, you know.
01:15:57.840 --> 01:16:02.159
He was just a per he was like presented himself as the provider, yeah, yeah.
01:16:02.239 --> 01:16:05.279
And he was like, I was just raised this way, and I was like, that's amazing.
01:16:05.439 --> 01:16:12.239
Um and yeah, I think from the from the kind of jump, like he lied.
01:16:12.399 --> 01:16:13.840
Like he we met at a concert.
01:16:13.920 --> 01:16:18.000
He came out to me at a concert, and he's like, Are you and your friends coming to the after party?
01:16:18.079 --> 01:16:20.000
And I was with, you know, five of my beautiful friends.
01:16:20.079 --> 01:16:23.439
I was just assuming, you know, he just wants hot girls there, you know.
01:16:23.520 --> 01:16:25.840
Like, I was not thinking this man's trying to date me.
01:16:26.000 --> 01:16:30.319
I ended up finding out later that we had actually been at the same bar the weekend prior.
01:16:30.479 --> 01:16:33.920
And I think he had seen me there and then seen me at the concert.
01:16:34.159 --> 01:16:34.720
Who knows?
01:16:34.880 --> 01:16:35.279
I don't know.
01:16:35.439 --> 01:16:43.119
Yeah, but I do remember, like, I went to this like after party after the Drake concert, thinking like I'm just going because it's gonna be fun.
01:16:43.279 --> 01:16:49.520
And I actually like just ended up talking to him the whole time and being like, This is not somebody I would be can like normally attracted to.
01:16:49.760 --> 01:16:56.079
We just had so much fun together, like we just really hit it off, and he was just so great to me and like all these things.
01:16:56.159 --> 01:16:59.840
Like, I really didn't understand even that he had money or anything at that point.
01:16:59.920 --> 01:17:06.000
In fact, he just like had friends in the industry, which is really common, especially in places like New York, Atlanta, LA, Miami.
01:17:06.880 --> 01:17:15.840
Um, but yeah, no, I I think like I had spent so much time healing after that that I knew it wasn't a me thing, you know?
01:17:16.079 --> 01:17:24.479
Yeah, like I think it was just like this person straight up deceived me because I was so great, and they knew that I they weren't gonna be able to date me otherwise, essentially.
01:17:24.640 --> 01:17:33.439
Yeah, but I think too, like as long as you leave a situation once you start to see the red flags, like I think that's the positive sign.
01:17:33.520 --> 01:17:35.920
Cause it's like, okay, wait, this is not what I thought it was.
01:17:36.000 --> 01:17:36.800
I'm getting out.
01:17:36.960 --> 01:17:37.279
Yeah.
01:17:37.439 --> 01:17:39.039
Um because I mean, people do lie.
01:17:39.199 --> 01:17:48.000
The first three months you're dating somebody, like, you're not gonna tell them all your I mean, some people do, but you're not gonna tell them all your trauma and you know, all the bad things about you.
01:17:48.079 --> 01:17:51.279
You're putting your best foot forward, and then it comes out later.
01:17:51.520 --> 01:17:58.880
Yeah, and I think he just kept adding to the lie, adding to the lie, and then he got so deep in it where he was just like drowning.
01:17:59.439 --> 01:18:01.119
And I didn't even know it was true anymore.
01:18:01.199 --> 01:18:05.760
I just remember like how I found out he was lying was was because of a small lie.
01:18:05.840 --> 01:18:10.000
It was because he lied about losing the keys to my apartment in Atlanta, right?
01:18:10.399 --> 01:18:16.319
And something about him lying about that small thing, it was just I something clicked.
01:18:16.399 --> 01:18:17.039
I can't explain it.
01:18:17.119 --> 01:18:20.239
It was like a revelation where I was just like, he's pathological.
01:18:20.319 --> 01:18:24.479
And I just remember for hours, like probably two hours, I sat there and I went and hung out with you after.
01:18:24.560 --> 01:18:28.800
Yeah, but I remember I was just like, this was a lie, this was a lie, this was a lie.
01:18:28.960 --> 01:18:32.720
And he was just like, Yeah, yeah, what like he just wasn't even denying it.
01:18:32.800 --> 01:18:33.680
It was crazy.
01:18:33.920 --> 01:18:37.680
And then we slept in separate bedrooms for like two weeks and he had my location.
01:18:37.760 --> 01:18:39.680
It was a weird breakup situation.
01:18:40.159 --> 01:18:48.159
Um, and then my friend Edmund, who's one of my good guy friends, who I actually wasn't allowed to be friends with while I was dating this guy.
01:18:48.479 --> 01:18:51.520
And I just texted him being like, Hey, we're allowed to be friends again.
01:18:51.600 --> 01:18:54.159
And he was like, Oh, cool, I'm in LA for work actually, right now.
01:18:54.319 --> 01:19:01.760
And we ended up meeting up, and then Bob found out that we met up and just like acted really rationally.
01:19:01.920 --> 01:19:03.279
So we're still living together at the time.
01:19:03.359 --> 01:19:04.239
We were in separate bedrooms.
01:19:04.319 --> 01:19:05.039
It's weird.
01:19:05.279 --> 01:19:09.199
Um, and I just remember I called Edmund and I was like, Hey, so this happened.
01:19:09.279 --> 01:19:13.680
Like, and he somehow knew we were together, and he was like, You need to get out of there.
01:19:13.840 --> 01:19:14.560
And I did.
01:19:14.720 --> 01:19:19.520
I like had my me and my friend Maggie were supposed to go look at apartments, and instead we like packed up my whole apartment.
01:19:19.840 --> 01:19:25.600
And like while Bob was out on a run, and Bob came back as I was loading the last thing in the car.
01:19:25.760 --> 01:19:31.279
And I literally just went and I stayed with one of my friends for a week and then got an Airbnb.
01:19:31.359 --> 01:19:38.960
I went home for a little bit because I was planning on going home anyways, and then I got an Airbnb in LA, found the apartment that I'm actually living in now, and have been here ever since, and it's been great.
01:19:39.279 --> 01:19:48.880
Yeah, and like that's the thing, it's like all the guys I've dated since, like, no one's really like traumatized me, I would say, you know.
01:19:49.840 --> 01:19:55.920
Colin was the the one that really did the um the worst.
01:19:56.720 --> 01:20:01.439
Colin and my uh hockey boyfriend, I think they really did a number.
01:20:01.600 --> 01:20:08.000
And to the point though, it's like once you get hurt like that, you'll never feel that hurt again.
01:20:08.159 --> 01:20:13.359
Like you will notice the signs and your brain will register it as like uh danger.
01:20:13.920 --> 01:20:21.600
And that's what's nice, is like you'll never date a a Colin or a Bob or Haki Boyan or you know, yeah.
01:20:21.920 --> 01:20:23.920
So that's kind of like what's nice.
01:20:24.319 --> 01:20:25.119
Yeah, it's true.
01:20:25.199 --> 01:21:05.279
It's like also when you're dating, like you think things won't happen to you that and then when they do, you're like, Well, I I didn't know that could happen to someone like me because I uh I feel like I have like high integrity and like and pick the right people, and then you know, some people just again it's like not black and white, but some people just make mistakes and like or they're just bad people, so it's like everyone's different, but you have to basically separate yourself from those people and take the experience for what it is and how much you can grow and learn from that.
01:21:06.079 --> 01:21:11.600
And obviously being self-aware is really important, I think.
01:21:12.000 --> 01:21:35.840
A lot of people aren't, and that's when they make the same mistakes again and fall into the same patterns, or subconsciously choose people who they know are not right for them or or are like just gonna lead them down a path that they it's almost like you're uncomfortable with growth in some ways, so you just keep picking the same type of partner.
01:21:36.960 --> 01:21:50.239
I feel like in the past I maybe had commitment issues, and I personally was like almost picking people who are like unavailable because I was scared to be so available, just like in dating and things like that.
01:21:50.560 --> 01:22:05.920
But I feel like the older you get, the more you know yourself and you're more comfortable with who you are, and you're comfortable with having boundaries and being like, you know, this is who I am, this is what I'm gonna tolerate, this is not what I'm gonna tolerate.
01:22:06.239 --> 01:22:07.760
No, and and being alone.
01:22:07.920 --> 01:22:12.960
Like, I think like, I mean, you grow up in you know a house with your parents and your siblings and you're not alone.
01:22:13.199 --> 01:22:15.439
You go to college and you're not really alone.
01:22:16.079 --> 01:22:21.520
I think like takes time alone to realize like actually how amazing being alone is.
01:22:21.680 --> 01:22:28.000
Like, I think you need to be so okay with being alone before you date again.
01:22:28.319 --> 01:22:37.840
Because I think that if you are scared of being alone, then you'll stay in the wrong relationships, you'll attract the wrong people because you're also going to attract other people that have that same fear.
01:22:38.000 --> 01:22:38.319
Yeah.
01:22:38.479 --> 01:22:51.359
Um, and I also think too, like, if you don't take the time to heal after especially getting cheated on or a bad relationship or anything, um, you bring that trauma from the relationship into your next relationship.
01:22:51.439 --> 01:22:59.439
So you may be dating a great person, like you may have lucked out dated a great person, but you may project, you know, insecurities that your last partner caused onto that person.
01:22:59.520 --> 01:23:00.960
You may be like, Yeah, what are you doing?
01:23:01.039 --> 01:23:01.600
Who are you with?
01:23:01.760 --> 01:23:12.000
Like, and that's like it's not to say that like because your ex cheated on you that you're the next person you date is, but it's just like being in a place where you know that you're not gonna attract somebody like that.
01:23:12.159 --> 01:23:12.560
Yeah.
01:23:12.800 --> 01:23:24.239
Um, I think like if you have these unhealed trauma or like you're healing, uh again, like I don't think you ever have to be fully healed to be in a relationship because no one is ever like really fully healed anyway.
01:23:24.399 --> 01:23:42.000
I think you're always working on yourself, but noticing the patterns of like, okay, I'm projecting right now because this is something that happened in my last relationship, and that's why I'm like acting like this or I'm snapping or something like that, like recognizing that in yourself and then moving forward, that is the best thing you can do.
01:23:42.159 --> 01:23:50.560
I think like obviously if you're like, oh, I picked my now partner, is so amazing, and like why am I acting this way?
01:23:50.880 --> 01:23:56.079
It's likely because you haven't dealt with things from a previous relationship.
01:23:56.319 --> 01:23:56.800
No, for sure.
01:23:56.880 --> 01:24:02.399
And like I was saying earlier, like I'm such a firm believer in you attract people on the frequency level that you're at.
01:24:02.640 --> 01:24:13.439
So it's just like if you are putting all your energy into yourself, if you are putting energy towards what you want to do, what you're supposed to be doing, you know, you're taking care of yourself.
01:24:13.600 --> 01:24:17.439
Like, you know, I think you're gonna attract somebody with that same energy.
01:24:17.520 --> 01:24:30.960
And if you're not doing those things, you can't expect to someone to come and, you know, like I think that's maybe what happened with Blake is like I maybe wasn't being super honest about where I was.
01:24:31.119 --> 01:24:35.680
Like, I think I was in like a really uncertain place with my career, what I was doing.
01:24:35.840 --> 01:24:38.800
Um, I was also about to make a huge life move.
01:24:38.880 --> 01:24:40.880
Like I was moving, you know, to the West Coast.
01:24:41.039 --> 01:24:44.159
Like, I'm the only one person in my family that lives out here, you know.
01:24:44.239 --> 01:24:45.920
Like it was a scary thing.
01:24:46.079 --> 01:24:47.520
All my family lives back in Georgia.
01:24:47.680 --> 01:24:49.920
Like, I think it was an uncertain time for me.
01:24:50.159 --> 01:25:02.800
And like it was a big financial risk, all these things to where like there's a reason that I attracted somebody that was also in that place of like maybe his life was uncertain, maybe he was looking for purpose, like maybe I was looking for purpose.
01:25:02.960 --> 01:25:21.760
But like, yeah, I mean, there's a reason I attracted somebody that was like living a lie, you know, like to some extent, like I either was like maybe just hoping someone to be a distraction, like there's some reason I attracted that energy, like maybe scared to make that move by yourself because he eventually he essentially came over there with you.
01:25:21.840 --> 01:25:27.199
So yeah, in some ways it was like he was like a like a safety blanket for sure.
01:25:27.359 --> 01:25:28.319
No, and that's the thing.
01:25:28.399 --> 01:25:34.319
It's like, you know, I can kind of gauge where what kind of place I'm in by the kind of guy I'm attracting now.
01:25:34.479 --> 01:25:39.279
Like, you know, last like May, June, July great time for me.
01:25:39.439 --> 01:25:44.399
I mean, that's when I was attracting like these like high, kind of like like, you know, famous.
01:25:44.479 --> 01:25:48.399
It was actually all famous, you know, well-known people for the most part.
01:25:48.640 --> 01:25:52.079
Um, and I was just like, this is so cool.
01:25:52.239 --> 01:25:58.319
Like, and you know, I I kind of associated like these really important people could date anybody and they're dating me, you know?
01:25:58.479 --> 01:25:58.640
Yeah.
01:25:58.800 --> 01:26:06.319
And I think there it's because I saw myself in such a high, you know, I had really high self-worth.
01:26:06.399 --> 01:26:10.319
And so obviously they were choosing me, you know, like I thought I was great and they're great.
01:26:10.399 --> 01:26:12.880
And so like great people attract kind of great people.
01:26:13.119 --> 01:26:16.960
Um, and then, you know, one of them wasn't as great, I think, as I thought.
01:26:17.039 --> 01:26:19.199
And they kind of traumatized me a little bit.
01:26:19.439 --> 01:26:30.800
Um, but I think like I look in, I know why I dated that person even because I was just hoping that they were gonna be a distraction and XYZ.
01:26:30.880 --> 01:26:32.479
And it all makes sense.
01:26:32.560 --> 01:26:36.159
Like you, it all makes sense when you kind of reflect on why you dated that person.
01:26:36.239 --> 01:26:39.199
Like the celebrity, whatever that kind of messed me up.
01:26:39.279 --> 01:26:52.800
I haven't dated since was because I was hoping that he was gonna come in and fix my life and bring, you know, certain things into my life or people or whatever it was, instead of just doing the work myself and believing in myself.
01:26:52.960 --> 01:26:59.680
I was like, oh, this guy, you know, he'll help me and he'll, you know, like open doors for me or whatever it is.
01:26:59.920 --> 01:27:02.560
And he couldn't he couldn't even take care of himself.
01:27:02.640 --> 01:27:04.159
Like he was a mess, you know?
01:27:04.399 --> 01:27:11.039
And so it's one of those things where it's like, what I should have done is bet on myself and put that energy back into myself.
01:27:11.359 --> 01:27:13.520
And, you know, he had enough on his plate.
01:27:13.600 --> 01:27:14.640
Why would I even put that on him?
01:27:14.720 --> 01:27:19.199
But that's the thing is he was looking for somebody to come in and clean up his life and his mess.
01:27:19.359 --> 01:27:28.079
And I was kind of in a place where I was in a similar situation where I was like looking, you know, I looking for what I was gonna do with my career and all of these things.
01:27:28.239 --> 01:27:34.720
And so it's like that's why I attracted that because we were in the same place of just like, somebody help me.
01:27:35.520 --> 01:27:35.920
Yeah.
01:27:36.159 --> 01:27:50.880
So yeah, and then eventually you'll find the one who's just like you'll know, and they'll be like on the same page as you, and like maybe they're gonna be the same in the way that they don't want to get married, they don't care to have kids.
01:27:51.359 --> 01:27:55.439
And unless like you change your mind and that's something you end up wanting with that person.
01:27:55.520 --> 01:27:59.760
But I feel like you're gonna find the one who's meets you in.
01:28:00.479 --> 01:28:05.920
In the place you are that you're most happy and most comfortable with, too.
01:28:06.159 --> 01:28:07.680
Yeah, no, a thousand percent.
01:28:07.840 --> 01:28:14.239
And I will say too, like random off topic, but like you're not on topic, don't get a dog.
01:28:14.479 --> 01:28:18.880
If you get cheated on, or don't get a dog or a cat, don't get an animal.
01:28:19.119 --> 01:28:27.199
Because a lot of times I see this really commonly after a bad breakup is people will get a dog or a cat to fill the hole.
01:28:27.439 --> 01:28:28.239
Don't do it.
01:28:28.560 --> 01:28:31.119
Get a dog or a cat because you want a dog or cat.
01:28:31.199 --> 01:28:34.000
Having a dog or cat is a massive responsibility.
01:28:34.159 --> 01:28:36.560
It's going to limit how much you can travel.
01:28:36.640 --> 01:28:39.119
It's going to limit how much you can be out during the day.
01:28:39.199 --> 01:28:41.439
It's a huge responsibility.
01:28:41.680 --> 01:28:46.720
Do not get an animal until your hole is filled, until you're like, I am responsible enough.
01:28:46.800 --> 01:28:52.159
I have a yard or I have the time or whatever to take care of this animal because it is not fair to the animal.
01:28:52.399 --> 01:28:53.600
And it's not fair to you.
01:28:54.079 --> 01:28:54.399
Yeah.
01:28:54.560 --> 01:28:55.199
It's a band-aid.
01:28:55.439 --> 01:29:01.359
Like I've just seen it so many times that people get an animal to fix, fill the hole that you need to fill with yourself.
01:29:01.600 --> 01:29:03.600
With being alone, with getting to know yourself.
01:29:03.760 --> 01:29:22.319
Because it's just like if you believe that you deserve somebody that doesn't cheat on you, that treats you well, that's loyal to you, that doesn't lie to you, um, that's you know, whatever your standard is, you have to like put energy into yourself and make yourself like, you know, feel like you're worthy of those things.
01:29:22.479 --> 01:29:42.159
Because if you feel like you deserve those things, but you're not taking care of yourself, like you're not just doing like basic things, take care of yourself, like you're not gonna attract that person because it's you're lying to yourself, but like how you actually, you know, there's gonna be a belief where it's like, I don't actually deserve these things, and you're gonna attract somebody that has these same unrealistic expectations.
01:29:42.319 --> 01:29:54.560
Um yeah, I mean, maybe people want like an animal after a breakup because they give unconditional love in some ways, and like that's what everyone is looking for is unconditional love.
01:29:54.880 --> 01:30:26.079
But yeah, I think it I think the same also in couples who you know shouldn't proceed in their marriage, but then end up having a baby because they think that's gonna fix the marriage, and it ends up not fixing things, it makes it worse because obviously that's the biggest responsibility in life, and that is uh such like that that's that's the hardest thing because then you are really you're making you're digging yourself into a hole that you can never get out of.
01:30:26.319 --> 01:30:27.760
No, and I mean it's the same, yeah.
01:30:27.920 --> 01:30:32.239
Animals, kids, tattoos, like yeah, don't make a permanent decision.
01:30:32.399 --> 01:30:36.479
Like there's so many things you can do before you take that step.
01:30:36.800 --> 01:30:46.640
Um, but yeah, I mean, I think the ultimate goal, whether you're in a relationship, whether it's happy, unhappy, whatever, is just like take a look at your life without that person.
01:30:46.880 --> 01:30:53.199
Like if this person were to break up with me tomorrow, like what would my life look like?
01:30:53.359 --> 01:30:59.199
And if you have a great group of friends, if you have hobbies, if you have, you're gonna be just fine.
01:30:59.359 --> 01:31:02.159
You know, it'll be sad, but you're gonna be just fine.
01:31:02.239 --> 01:31:03.439
I think you're in a good spot.
01:31:03.680 --> 01:31:25.760
I think if you're looking at your life or like say you're going through a breakup and you feel empty inside, just know that like it's because you were you were dating a drain, like you're a fountain and you were dating a drain, and they just sucked all the energy and the life out of you, and you need to turn your fountain back on and get that baby flowing because the drain's not there anymore, and you need to put that energy back into yourself.
01:31:26.079 --> 01:31:31.119
Um because I think your life shouldn't change when somebody leaves you, you know?
01:31:31.600 --> 01:31:36.319
Even like you should be financially okay, like you should never be financially responsible in anybody.
01:31:36.560 --> 01:31:44.560
You should be able to break up with your partner and be a hundred percent okay to walk away, and that's the only reason you should be in a relationship.
01:31:44.720 --> 01:31:49.359
If your life or your relationship isn't like that, write down what you need to do and figure it out.
01:31:49.680 --> 01:31:51.840
Yeah, um, because you never, yeah.
01:31:52.239 --> 01:31:52.960
Yeah, I agree.
01:31:53.119 --> 01:32:13.600
I think like if you're not with that person and your life has stayed the same in the way that you're still working at your work going after your dreams, doing what you want to do, spending time with your friends, like not you didn't make like insane sacrifices that changed who you were and where you lose yourself.
01:32:13.760 --> 01:32:30.319
I think if all of that is good, like all of your your life is stable without that person and you still want that person back, or you still feel like I I just really care about this person, like I really miss them.
01:32:30.399 --> 01:32:48.880
And I'm not talking about like someone who cheated on you or like was emotionally abusive or any of that, but then you'll know for sure if the relationship is something that you they you'll know for sure if you really miss that person for real, or if if you just miss the comfortability of being with someone.
01:32:49.199 --> 01:32:51.520
Yeah, yeah, like the companionship.
01:32:51.760 --> 01:32:52.079
Yeah.
01:32:52.239 --> 01:33:01.680
Um, and like you should love being with yourself that much, like genuinely, like you should have those same feelings towards like time to your self-reflection.
01:33:01.840 --> 01:33:13.920
Like, it's so important to like keep yourself accountable and like you know, make sure that like you're in the relationship for the right reasons, that you're doing what you need to do, that you're not sacrificing too much of your time, your energy, like time by yourself.
01:33:14.000 --> 01:33:15.840
I cannot emphasize enough, is so important.
01:33:16.000 --> 01:33:19.279
Like, you should there's no reason you should be with somebody all of the time.
01:33:19.439 --> 01:33:23.359
There's no reason somebody should be your only friend or the main person that you see.
01:33:23.439 --> 01:33:32.399
Like the amount of time you spend with your partner should be equal to the amount of time you spend with your friends, spend doing your hobby, um, your family, I guess if you're close to them.
01:33:32.479 --> 01:33:33.600
Like there should be a balance.
01:33:33.760 --> 01:33:39.359
There shouldn't be I spend 90% of the time with my partner and then 10% of my time doing everything else.
01:33:39.520 --> 01:33:42.960
Because when that person leaves, that's when you're gonna feel a hole in your life.
01:33:43.039 --> 01:33:45.520
And it's just like you don't that's another thing.
01:33:45.600 --> 01:33:49.680
You don't want to look back when you're 80 and be like, I spent all of my time with this one person.
01:33:49.760 --> 01:33:52.399
I I, you know, limited myself so much in my life.
01:33:52.479 --> 01:33:57.680
Like just, you know, with one being that's nobody's there's that's nobody's purpose.
01:33:57.840 --> 01:34:04.239
Like life is meant to, you know, make relationships with multiple people, experience different things, try new things that you wouldn't try.
01:34:04.319 --> 01:34:07.199
Like live your life for you, don't live your life for somebody else.
01:34:07.439 --> 01:34:14.800
Yeah, it's important to keep maintain your relationships with your friends just as much as it's important to maintain the relationship with your partner.
01:34:14.880 --> 01:34:21.680
So you have to and your family, but you have to, you know, spend time with those people.
01:34:21.760 --> 01:34:26.239
And honestly, it makes your relationship better when you have your own thing, like you miss that person more.
01:34:26.479 --> 01:34:34.960
You like you want it makes the time that you actually spend together even better because you're like I haven't, you know, seen you in a couple days.
01:34:35.119 --> 01:34:48.640
I I or even hours where you're just like, I miss this person, and it just makes the relationship stronger in that way that you can like be secure enough and happy enough to spend time with the other people that you love.
01:34:48.880 --> 01:34:49.520
No, for sure.
01:34:49.600 --> 01:34:54.000
And like, God forbid the day comes where something happens, they cheat on you, whatever.
01:34:54.239 --> 01:34:58.720
You need you're gonna need like a friend group, you're gonna need people there for you.
01:34:58.880 --> 01:35:04.640
And so it's just like no one likes that friend that all of a sudden reappears when you know they're going through a bad breakup.
01:35:04.720 --> 01:35:06.479
It's like that's not fair to anybody, you know.
01:35:06.640 --> 01:35:08.880
Like make sure that and that's the thing too.
01:35:08.960 --> 01:35:17.520
It's like, like I said, like I really wasn't skateboarding before I moved out to California, and it just became something that I like really started loving and enjoying.
01:35:17.600 --> 01:35:20.159
And it's, you know, I've so many friends to it.
01:35:20.239 --> 01:35:30.960
Everyone that I've really dated too, I wouldn't say in like the past, not everyone, but most people I've dated in the past year has been through skateboarding, not skateboarders, just like maybe they skateboarded as a child and they think it's a skateboarder.
01:35:31.279 --> 01:35:33.119
Maybe they casually just skate around.
01:35:33.199 --> 01:35:39.760
Like, um, I actually don't date anybody at the skate park on purpose, but I think it's just like find a hobby that you really love.
01:35:39.840 --> 01:35:45.840
Like who I was 32, 31 or 32 when I started skateboarding, and it's never too late.
01:35:45.920 --> 01:35:47.039
It's literally never too late.
01:35:47.279 --> 01:35:49.920
Even for skateboarding, I wore my pods and like I fell hella.
01:35:50.159 --> 01:35:52.960
And like, let me tell you, if you're wearing your pods, you're gonna be fine.
01:35:53.199 --> 01:35:57.199
Um, start doing what you love, start doing the things that you've always wanted to do.
01:35:57.359 --> 01:35:59.039
Like, it's never literally too late.
01:35:59.199 --> 01:36:00.479
You're never too old.
01:36:00.800 --> 01:36:05.680
Start putting energy into things you love, start thinking about what the 80-year-old version would want you to do.
01:36:05.840 --> 01:36:21.840
Cause I think, like, even me posting on social media, I lived so long in this world where I cared so much what people thought about me and I needed everybody to like me and what social media has done for me, and and seeing like not everyone's gonna agree with me.
01:36:22.000 --> 01:36:24.079
Trust me, not everyone's gonna agree with me.
01:36:24.239 --> 01:36:26.800
Um, I think most people aren't gonna agree with you.
01:36:26.960 --> 01:36:31.680
And I think you have to think about it from the perspective of like, you don't really like most people either, you know?
01:36:31.840 --> 01:36:32.000
Yeah.
01:36:32.239 --> 01:36:38.000
And if everyone's agreeing with you and everyone likes you all the time, you're probably not living your truth and like being yourself.
01:36:38.159 --> 01:36:38.399
Yeah.
01:36:38.560 --> 01:36:51.920
So I think you just have to know, like, with a partner, with friends, with anybody, if you are living your truth, if you are doing the hobbies you want to do, if you are like living your life how you would want to live it, you're going to attract people that mirror that.
01:36:52.159 --> 01:36:56.880
So just know, like, you will attract a partner that mirrors, you know, back that same way.
01:36:56.960 --> 01:37:03.680
And like, that's the thing is like skateboarding has brought like so much like self-love and so much self-worth because it's like a hobby that I'm working towards.
01:37:03.760 --> 01:37:04.560
And I love doing it.
01:37:04.640 --> 01:37:06.319
And I've met people who also love doing it.
01:37:06.399 --> 01:37:12.399
And it's just brought so much into my life where it's just one of those things where like I can't even imagine my life without that thing.
01:37:12.560 --> 01:37:18.399
And had that horrible thing not happened to me, and had I not had this massive hole to fill, I wouldn't have started skating in.
01:37:18.479 --> 01:37:23.039
Cause I I did start skating 20, broke up 2022.
01:37:23.199 --> 01:37:25.279
Yeah, I started skating in 2023.
01:37:25.760 --> 01:37:36.000
Um, and so it's just like, you know, just start replacing that hole, not with animals, not with anyone living, nothing with the pulse, nothing with the heartbeat.
01:37:36.399 --> 01:37:38.720
Um, and just things that would make you happy.
01:37:38.800 --> 01:37:45.439
Do the thing you always wanted to do when you were younger, or that your older version of yourself wants you to do, and just stop living your life for other people.
01:37:45.520 --> 01:37:47.600
Like, do not stop giving a fuck what other people think.
01:37:47.680 --> 01:37:48.720
It does not matter.
01:37:49.119 --> 01:37:58.560
Yeah, because once you're then in a relationship and if it ends, or even if you spend time apart, you don't lose your friends.
01:37:58.720 --> 01:38:02.720
Like, you don't have to rebuild relationships because you have them there the whole time.
01:38:02.800 --> 01:38:05.119
Like you're not abandoning yourself.
01:38:05.359 --> 01:38:08.720
Yeah, and like even with skateboarding, like it just made myself worth so high.
01:38:08.800 --> 01:38:13.279
Like, I truly think that's just why I don't put up with stuff now because it's just like allowed me to really believe in myself.
01:38:13.359 --> 01:38:14.720
Like, look what I'm capable of.
01:38:14.880 --> 01:38:16.319
Like, look what I can do.
01:38:16.880 --> 01:38:22.399
Yeah, so it's just one of those things where it's just like, you know, I believe in myself so much now.
01:38:22.720 --> 01:38:26.239
And so I think I'm really great, and I think that's why I attract these men.
01:38:26.399 --> 01:38:29.600
Like, I now I attract men who like think I'm the coolest person ever.
01:38:29.840 --> 01:38:53.520
You know, I've seen you skateboarding, and it's crazy how far you've come from literally the beginning where you were taking lessons to now and just watching you, and then just the whole experience is so it's really inspiring because yeah, you really went with your hobby and you and you put you kept it going, and like a lot of people just abandon that.
01:38:53.600 --> 01:38:56.319
They're like, Oh, I'm gonna try this for a while and then abandon it.
01:38:56.399 --> 01:38:58.399
But you actually just like you did it.
01:38:58.800 --> 01:39:00.720
Well, I will say, like, I mean, two things.
01:39:00.800 --> 01:39:05.439
I think sometimes you have to like I've I've tried so many things too since skateboarding that haven't worked out.
01:39:05.520 --> 01:39:08.319
Like, I actually tried doing them on podcasts and didn't work out, you know.
01:39:08.479 --> 01:39:12.880
Yeah, but it's like sometimes you have to try and fail at something to be like that wasn't meant for me, and you know what?
01:39:12.960 --> 01:39:14.239
Now I know it wasn't meant for me.
01:39:14.319 --> 01:39:19.439
And people can say all they want, they can be like, you know, she made a podcast and then didn't want, you know, I just didn't love it.
01:39:19.520 --> 01:39:21.119
It was a lot of work and it wasn't for me.
01:39:21.279 --> 01:39:23.119
And like that thing, skateboarding too.
01:39:23.199 --> 01:39:25.439
Like I skate at Venice Beach Skate Park.
01:39:25.600 --> 01:39:33.840
Um, that's my local, and you have you know, 50 to 100 people at a time watching you skate, and you fall sometimes and you mess up.
01:39:34.079 --> 01:39:41.119
And you know, it's just like being okay with people and realizing you're not perfect or like realizing you're not, you know, is great.
01:39:41.199 --> 01:39:46.159
But like that's the thing is most people when I tell them I've been skating for like in bowls, I've only been skating in bowls for two years now.
01:39:46.239 --> 01:39:47.520
I started that in 2024.
01:39:47.680 --> 01:39:51.279
But when I tell people that, they're like, I thought you've been skating your entire life.
01:39:51.439 --> 01:39:59.520
Like, yeah, you know, like it's just like they're like astonished that you can just learn, you know, that like caliber of skating, I guess, in such a short amount of time.
01:39:59.600 --> 01:40:02.239
But it's just like if I just get hyper fixated, I guess.
01:40:02.880 --> 01:40:05.359
And really put on my all, it's my whole life now.
01:40:05.520 --> 01:40:13.600
But um, I think it's it's more to say, like, just don't give a fuck what anyone thinks because you're not living your life for other people.
01:40:13.680 --> 01:40:18.880
So like don't stay in a relationship because you people are gonna say, Oh, you you guys broke up or your relationship.
01:40:18.960 --> 01:40:20.000
Like, who gives a fuck?
01:40:20.079 --> 01:40:22.560
You know, stop living your life for other people.
01:40:22.800 --> 01:40:24.079
Like, do what you want to do.
01:40:24.239 --> 01:40:26.880
People are gonna say either way, and it's just like a news cycle.
01:40:26.960 --> 01:40:29.439
People care for like three days and they never talk about it again.
01:40:29.600 --> 01:40:32.800
Like, everyone's just really focused on themselves all the time.
01:40:33.039 --> 01:40:35.600
And, you know, you're really just not that interesting anyway.
01:40:35.680 --> 01:40:38.239
They'll they'll say something for a day and then they'll be on to the next thing.
01:40:38.319 --> 01:40:43.920
So, like, don't stay in a relationship because you're worried, you know, Mary Lou is gonna come in and date your man.
01:40:44.079 --> 01:40:47.439
Please let Mary Lou date your man because she's gonna get traumatized just like you did.
01:40:47.600 --> 01:40:50.800
Like the same way that he cheated on her and disrespected her.
01:40:50.960 --> 01:40:52.880
I promise you, he's not gonna change for another girl.
01:40:52.960 --> 01:40:59.039
Unless this man goes and does serious therapy, like he's not gonna, he's not gonna change at all.
01:40:59.199 --> 01:41:00.640
He's gonna do that to Mary Lou.
01:41:00.800 --> 01:41:07.359
And not only is he gonna do it to Mary Lou, he's gonna do it in every relationship for the rest of his life until he heals up for himself or until he can't pull girls anymore.
01:41:07.439 --> 01:41:10.479
And he's like, you know, has to stay with that person.
01:41:10.720 --> 01:41:16.079
But like you can't, you know, stay stay with somebody for the belief that what if they change for somebody else, they're not.
01:41:16.319 --> 01:41:16.800
They're not.
01:41:16.960 --> 01:41:21.039
If they too change and they don't come back to you, that's not your person.
01:41:21.279 --> 01:41:24.399
You know, that person's not meant for you, and you will date somebody better.
01:41:24.560 --> 01:41:28.720
Like, I have seen it every single time I date somebody, they're a level up than the last person I do without.
01:41:29.199 --> 01:41:42.159
I think a lot of people like worry about, you know, if you're the one who put so much into the relationship and like helped them grow and opened their eyes that they're gonna, it's like all my work is gonna go to someone else.
01:41:42.239 --> 01:41:47.279
And I think that is something people struggle with in moving on or breaking up with someone.
01:41:47.439 --> 01:41:51.840
It's like that's all my effort that someone else is gonna reap the benefits of.
01:41:52.079 --> 01:42:04.880
But at the same time, it's like you said, like, really the relationship that matters is the one with yourself, and if you have a strong enough relationship with yourself, it it won't affect you as much.
01:42:05.199 --> 01:42:11.439
Also, too, let me just tell you you will never ever waste your time like that on or energy like that on a man again.
01:42:11.680 --> 01:42:21.279
Like the the more I date, the less energy I put into changing somebody or fixing them or buying their clothes or changing, no, when accept them for who they already meet them.
01:42:21.439 --> 01:42:29.039
If you are upset that you they're gonna, you know, you put all this time and energy into them, and you know, so now someone else gets to read the benefits.
01:42:29.199 --> 01:42:33.680
You need to look at why did I put so much time and energy into fixing this man?
01:42:33.840 --> 01:42:38.239
Why didn't I have a belief in myself to just go find that person?
01:42:38.479 --> 01:42:46.960
Because when you do that, you have a belief about yourself that I'm not able to find another relationship, therefore I have to fix that person.
01:42:47.119 --> 01:42:47.359
Yeah.
01:42:47.520 --> 01:42:57.600
So you dump all of your time, all of your precious time and energy that you should be putting back into yourself, into this other person because you have a belief about yourself that you're not gonna be able to find that otherwise.
01:42:57.680 --> 01:43:08.640
And it's like, no, if you did that in your last relationship, you need to look in the mirror and say, why do I have this belief that I'm not gonna, you know, find somebody that loves me the way that I need to be loved?
01:43:08.720 --> 01:43:13.600
Like, why did I feel the need to fix this person instead of just breaking up with them and finding someone that does?
01:43:13.840 --> 01:43:23.439
And I think a lot of that can be chalked up to like if you're young, if you're in your teens or your 20s, a lot of times that's just lack of experience in dating where you just haven't seen it firsthand.
01:43:23.520 --> 01:43:29.680
But if you're in your 30s and 40s and you're still trying to fix people, you need to really spend time alone and take a look in the mirror.
01:43:30.000 --> 01:43:37.520
Because if you haven't seen that by your 30s and 40s, that like people are replaceable and that you are a fucking prize and that anyone would be lucky to date you.
01:43:37.680 --> 01:43:45.119
Like you need to build yourself up into a place where you do feel like that because yeah, people are replaceable, they're so replaceable.
01:43:45.439 --> 01:43:50.239
If that, if if a relationship goes wrong, it's not because one person's better than the other.
01:43:50.319 --> 01:43:52.800
Like, truly, like all of that shit is so subjective.
01:43:52.880 --> 01:43:57.600
It's just like that person wasn't good for you the same way you weren't good for that person.
01:43:57.760 --> 01:44:00.079
It's nothing personal, it's just like you're different.
01:44:00.159 --> 01:44:02.000
You want different things, you're different people.
01:44:02.079 --> 01:44:03.600
No one's better than the other.
01:44:03.760 --> 01:44:05.520
Like everything's subjective.
01:44:05.600 --> 01:44:07.520
It's just you weren't meant for each other.
01:44:07.680 --> 01:44:09.680
You weren't in the same place, you wanted different things.
01:44:09.840 --> 01:44:28.000
And so it's like the difference between like dating or marrying potential versus like growing together, and you know, them because obviously you could you could try to fix someone, and like if they're not doing it on their own and you're supporting them, that is where there's a problem.
01:44:28.239 --> 01:44:37.520
Like if you're the one putting all of the effort into having them change or be this other person, like that's that's not healthy and that's not good.
01:44:37.760 --> 01:44:41.680
Like you you obviously it's important to grow together in a relationship.
01:44:41.840 --> 01:44:55.840
Obviously, this person doesn't have to be like the top success, like the in the best place in their life ever, but they have to have that ambition and that has to be there without you in the picture, regardless.
01:44:56.079 --> 01:45:06.239
And it can't obviously you can inspire someone to like be better and grow, but like you they have to make those moves themselves.
01:45:06.560 --> 01:45:07.039
For sure.
01:45:07.199 --> 01:45:13.600
And too, like, like you're saying, like you just you change, like yeah, and you can't you can choose to grow together, yes, but why?
01:45:13.840 --> 01:45:28.720
You know, I think that like if I look back at the people I've dated in my you know, my teens and my twenties, what I want now is so different, and who I am so different, like you're just gonna change, like you're still a baby, like me at 34 years old.
01:45:28.800 --> 01:45:33.600
Like, sorry, I'm still extremely young, and it almost takes being 34 to realize that that's still young.
01:45:33.680 --> 01:45:39.359
I genuinely think you're young up until you're like 50, honestly, and then kind of start being in an adult.
01:45:39.520 --> 01:45:44.880
Um, but you're just still Especially before your prefrontal cortex is like fully developed at 25.
01:45:45.039 --> 01:45:48.000
So, like people who are, you know, marrying.
01:45:48.159 --> 01:45:54.079
I mean, I commend people for marrying someone so when they're super young and it works out, like that's amazing for them.
01:45:54.159 --> 01:46:09.039
But I also am like I can't even imagine getting married at 25 and how different I am as a person now, just in the way I know myself and like how just it wouldn't have worked out if I had done that.
01:46:09.279 --> 01:46:12.720
No, and that that that couple is the exception, you know, they're not the rule.
01:46:12.880 --> 01:46:19.359
And like that's the thing too, is like that couple also deals with the insecurity of like, I really only know this person.
01:46:19.520 --> 01:46:21.279
Like, I kind of missed out on dating.
01:46:21.359 --> 01:46:22.000
Am I shirt?
01:46:22.079 --> 01:46:25.119
You know, they still have those thoughts of like, is this the right person?
01:46:25.279 --> 01:46:32.880
Like, that couple also has their own set of problems, and that like, you know, it's just everyone's there's gonna be problems, and it's just like choose your problems.
01:46:33.039 --> 01:46:40.319
But I mean, I just think about the person I was in my 20s versus who I am now and like what I want and all of these things, and it's just night and day.
01:46:40.399 --> 01:46:46.159
Like, I'm such a firm believer in like, please don't get married in your 20s, please do not the love of God get married in your 20s.
01:46:46.239 --> 01:46:50.159
I remember when I was 25, I was with the hockey player and our relationship was kind of starting to go downhill.
01:46:50.239 --> 01:46:54.479
And I've never wanted to get more married or have a child more in my life because I was like, Really?
01:46:54.640 --> 01:46:55.039
Mm-hmm.
01:46:55.279 --> 01:46:59.600
Because I was like, I need this will fix our relationship.
01:46:59.760 --> 01:46:59.920
Yeah.
01:47:00.079 --> 01:47:02.239
I was like, I love this person, he's my best friend.
01:47:02.319 --> 01:47:06.239
And if we get married and have children, like it'll, it's just what we need to do.
01:47:06.399 --> 01:47:11.199
Like it's just I was looking instead of just realizing, like, you know what, maybe we've outgrown each other.
01:47:11.279 --> 01:47:15.520
We've it's been like, you know, eight years of on and off, four years of living together.
01:47:15.760 --> 01:47:17.199
Maybe we're just different people now.
01:47:17.279 --> 01:47:18.239
We want different things.
01:47:18.399 --> 01:47:21.359
Um and I was like, no, marriage and kids, marriage and kids.
01:47:21.439 --> 01:47:22.800
I that will that will fix it.
01:47:22.880 --> 01:47:26.079
And then we can be best friends and I can be in his family forever and no one will ever leave me.
01:47:26.159 --> 01:47:33.279
And it's like, no, like we changed, and what we ended up doing was breaking up because we, you know, we're different people and changed.
01:47:33.439 --> 01:47:38.720
And I think that's just part of being in your 20s and your 30s is figuring out what you do like, what you want.
01:47:38.960 --> 01:47:44.800
And I think a lot of times, like like you said, that's the hardest relationship to get over, is the ones where it is amicable.
01:47:45.199 --> 01:47:55.279
Because I think, like, you know, it's just hard to be like, we just want different things and we're just different people, and everything else is fine, the relationship is perfect.
01:47:55.760 --> 01:47:57.439
But it's just time, dude.
01:47:57.600 --> 01:48:03.199
Like the you know, eventually, eventually you move on, and eventually, like you will be okay.
01:48:03.359 --> 01:48:10.079
And I think just accepting like you do change and you grow, especially in your 20s and 30s, and you're just different people, and that's like fine.
01:48:10.159 --> 01:48:11.359
Yeah, and I think that's well.
01:48:11.439 --> 01:48:28.319
I also think if you have different if you want different things and you don't align on certain things, and like maybe it's like the micro things and the macro things are okay, or vice versa, like that, those are the signs that that the relationship isn't perfect.
01:48:28.640 --> 01:49:01.439
So, like maybe you you get along with them and you're you're able to laugh and have fun with them, but those other things don't work, so the relationship just isn't right, and it doesn't mean that it's there's maliciousness or there's some big drama around it, but like it those things matter, so uh it's easy to avoid talking about those things, and I encourage people when they're dating to talk about the things that they want in a relationship, like right away, especially the older you are, because you just you don't want to waste your time.
01:49:01.680 --> 01:49:06.880
But like you need to know right off the bat like, does this person want kids, marriage?
01:49:07.119 --> 01:49:08.079
Are they spiritual?
01:49:08.239 --> 01:49:09.760
Like, how are we gonna raise kids?
01:49:09.840 --> 01:49:12.640
Like, all of these things that non-negotiable, like also, yeah.
01:49:12.720 --> 01:49:16.000
And if those things scare the person, like they're also not right for you either.
01:49:16.079 --> 01:49:22.640
If they scare if that scares them to talk about on like day one, two, or three, like then bye.
01:49:23.279 --> 01:49:24.560
Yeah, I mean, that's a thing.
01:49:24.640 --> 01:49:28.319
It's just like if that's really important to you and it's not important to the other person, then problem solve.
01:49:28.399 --> 01:49:31.439
Because like that thing, if someone brought that up to day one, two, or three and me.
01:49:31.520 --> 01:49:34.640
I mean, I think I would honestly, I'm such like an open-minded person.
01:49:34.720 --> 01:49:38.079
I think I would just be like, no, you know, I don't.
01:49:38.319 --> 01:49:39.359
I'm glad you asked.
01:49:39.439 --> 01:49:46.479
Um, but I think too, like with Colin, like we met during a time where like I hadn't been living in Atlanta.
01:49:46.560 --> 01:49:47.199
I was COVID.
01:49:47.279 --> 01:49:48.319
I didn't have any friends.
01:49:48.479 --> 01:49:50.720
I mean you know, my sister was my best friend at the time.
01:49:50.800 --> 01:49:52.880
I had been living with her and we kind of had a falling out.
01:49:52.960 --> 01:49:54.640
And so I had nobody.
01:49:54.880 --> 01:49:58.720
Um, I just found out my dog had cancer and was passing away.
01:49:58.960 --> 01:50:00.800
He had just gotten A dog.
01:50:00.960 --> 01:50:09.920
Um, and so I think, you know, meeting him, I like made him my whole world where we overlooked, you know, the fact that he really wanted to get married and have kids.
01:50:10.159 --> 01:50:12.800
I was just like, you know what, we're best friends, we'll figure it out later.
01:50:12.960 --> 01:50:16.720
We're best friends, and he's got a dog and he's filling, you know, this hole in my life.
01:50:16.960 --> 01:50:20.239
Um, and for him, I think clearly, I mean, he had just gotten a dog.
01:50:20.399 --> 01:50:23.199
I think getting a dog usually is pretty telling of a lot.
01:50:23.279 --> 01:50:30.479
I mean, that's not always the case, not it's not always black and white, but I think in a a lot of the time someone gets a pet, they're trying to fill, you know, some kind of hole in their life.
01:50:30.640 --> 01:50:41.680
Um, but he had just gotten a dog, and I think we just knew that we were in these different places, but we still tried to just make it work and yeah, all that in your growth is at a different speed.
01:50:41.760 --> 01:50:58.079
And I feel like also you're just like you you suppress it and you're like it will work on it later, or you're secretly hoping like they'll change their mind or be like open-minded to your lifestyle or the things that you want, or he maybe was like, She's young, like she's gonna change her mind.
01:50:58.399 --> 01:50:59.279
We thought I was gonna change her mind.
01:50:59.520 --> 01:51:01.680
The biological clock will tick and things like that.
01:51:01.920 --> 01:51:07.520
No, we he would start actual arguments where he'd be like, I just need to know that there's a 1% chance that you're gonna change your mind.
01:51:07.600 --> 01:51:11.600
And I would be like, There's a one percent chance someone's gonna walk in there and punch me in the face right now.
01:51:11.680 --> 01:51:13.680
You know, like there's a one percent chance of anything happening.
01:51:13.840 --> 01:51:16.960
Is there a 99% chance that I don't want kids and I don't want to get married?
01:51:17.119 --> 01:51:29.920
And I think like he just wanted, like how I went in with my hockey player boyfriend so badly, just marriage and kids, because he thought it was gonna fix a lot of his like sadness he was feeling in his life and emptiness.
01:51:30.079 --> 01:51:32.319
Um, the same way I did when I was 25.
01:51:32.479 --> 01:51:34.880
I think men are a little bit delayed in that department.
01:51:35.039 --> 01:51:37.520
So I think it it made sense, like timing-wise.
01:51:37.600 --> 01:51:39.039
He was he had just turned 30.
01:51:39.119 --> 01:52:13.119
Um also trying to change you, like he's trying to to fix you in a way, thinking like you're okay, like she's she's got all the things that I want, except these things that are really important to me, if that's the case, and and in in that way, like he's he's dating the the potential that you'll change to this person who wants those things, and like you don't, and to this day you're still you still stand on that you don't want those things, so it's like you just have to find someone who wants cool with that.
01:52:13.359 --> 01:52:20.720
No, and that's the thing, is like when I look back on my relationship with Colin now, I'm like the same way I don't think he really loved me.
01:52:20.800 --> 01:52:23.600
I don't think I ever I think we needed each other.
01:52:23.920 --> 01:52:26.479
I think like we needed each other in that time of our life.
01:52:26.560 --> 01:52:30.399
Like his cousin ended up like tragically passing away and terrible.
01:52:30.560 --> 01:52:33.680
And you know, he I kind of was there for him through that.
01:52:33.760 --> 01:52:35.520
And like, I think we went through a lot together.
01:52:35.680 --> 01:52:37.439
My dog died when I was talking to him.
01:52:37.600 --> 01:52:56.000
Um, my who was my child, who I I got the dog because of the hockey player boyfriend, and um my dog unexpectedly died of cancer, and he was there for me, and then his cousin died, which obviously human person different levels, but like still like a traumatic event, and that happened in the first few months of us dating and talking.
01:52:56.159 --> 01:53:05.520
So, like we were almost trauma bonded together, and I think like even though we could see we were so wrong for each other, and like I don't even know if we were like even super attracted to each other.
01:53:05.600 --> 01:53:08.399
I think we got along as friends, and we neither of us wanted to be lonely.
01:53:08.479 --> 01:53:30.960
And I was desperate for just like any kind of companion at that point, just like I had no friends or anybody in Atlanta, and I think he liked a lot of aspects of like the lifestyle of like you know, what dating me kind of meant for him, and yeah, I don't think either of us were together for the right reasons, and I think we were just like clinging to just like this relationship how it's so obviously wrong, yeah.
01:53:31.199 --> 01:53:48.479
Yeah, I get that, and I think that's a lot of why he cheated because like I think there was a part of him where he was like, Hey, I don't know how to end it otherwise, like um just because I think there's a part of him that like knew their relationship was wrong and that we weren't supposed to be together, but like you know, like I don't know.
01:53:48.560 --> 01:53:50.960
I mean, he had really limiting beliefs about our relationship the whole time.
01:53:51.039 --> 01:53:52.000
He'd be like, Why are you dating me?
01:53:52.079 --> 01:53:52.479
Why are you with me?
01:53:52.560 --> 01:53:55.520
You could do so much better, like all these weird things.
01:53:55.600 --> 01:54:04.800
And it was just like I think um, I think he cheated because he he knew that I was gonna kind of gonna break up and end the relationship with him.
01:54:04.880 --> 01:54:07.359
Like he kind of see that that's where the relationship was headed.
01:54:07.520 --> 01:54:17.279
And I think it was easier for him to stomach like the relationship ended because I did this fucked up thing and not because I wasn't enough, because he had like wasn't chosen, yeah.
01:54:17.439 --> 01:54:31.600
Yeah, like he had a lot of definitely like self-esteem issues, and I think it was easier for him to stomach that the relationship ended because I did this fucked up thing and not because of who I am or I wasn't enough or because she didn't want to be with me, because that's where the it was headed.
01:54:31.760 --> 01:54:51.600
Like we definitely had been Rocky talking about breaking up like all these things that had to do with who he was, like, not who like nothing about his um job or appearance or anything like that, more so like just not being aligned, like wanting different things in life, having different goals, like just not being my fit, essentially.
01:54:51.920 --> 01:55:01.439
It's essentially self-sabotage because it's the especially the way he did it and who he did it with and all of that, and like the degree to which he was disrespectful.
01:55:01.600 --> 01:55:11.600
It was like signed, sealed, delivered that it was burning the bridge, and not even just like leaving it in a place where, oh, maybe like in the future you could get back together or something.
01:55:11.680 --> 01:55:16.319
Like, no, like he made it so we won't get back together because she won't take me back.
01:55:16.880 --> 01:55:22.640
And it wasn't that it had it was something that like didn't have to do with who he was, it had to do with like something that he did.
01:55:22.880 --> 01:55:23.119
Yeah.
01:55:23.279 --> 01:55:34.319
And what's crazy too is like I feel like kind of important to talk about when you're cheating, is like I remember being like, Oh, well, you know, him and the friend deserve each other, like they can go date now.
01:55:34.479 --> 01:55:44.479
And what's crazy is that as soon as I found out about them, I mean, I don't know for sure, but I've heard through the grapevine that it fizzled out.
01:55:44.640 --> 01:55:45.680
They stopped hooking up.
01:55:45.760 --> 01:55:50.880
He started dating whoever he's dating right now, and she kind of was left in the dark.
01:55:51.039 --> 01:55:54.640
Like, I don't know if she thought their relationship was going to turn into something.
01:55:54.800 --> 01:55:55.199
I don't know.
01:55:55.279 --> 01:55:57.279
I I never talked to her again either.
01:55:57.600 --> 01:56:10.560
But I think that what was fueling the relationship and what was fueling his attraction to her was that not only was she the complete opposite of me in every way, shape, or form, um, but she was like exciting.
01:56:10.720 --> 01:56:16.640
She was like this exciting thing to where once I found out about the relationship, it wasn't exciting to him anymore.
01:56:16.800 --> 01:56:19.600
He was like, Oh, that dopamine doesn't go as hard.
01:56:19.680 --> 01:56:20.800
Like, I don't want to date you.
01:56:20.960 --> 01:56:25.760
Like it was like the second I kind of like was like, oh, like, no, yeah, you guys can go do that.
01:56:25.840 --> 01:56:29.680
I'm out, you know, like take me out of this weird whatever you guys are doing.
01:56:29.840 --> 01:56:31.439
It was no longer fun to him.
01:56:31.600 --> 01:56:36.319
And the girl who was knowingly hooking up with my boyfriend was kind of got the karma she deserves.
01:56:36.399 --> 01:56:42.399
So, like, I think there's like an aspect of like when you get cheated on, being like, oh my God, is he gonna date this girl that he was cheating on me with?
01:56:42.560 --> 01:56:43.680
Whatever, whatever.
01:56:43.920 --> 01:56:50.159
Like, you just have to know that, like, once the excitement gets taken out of the equation, it it wears off.
01:56:50.319 --> 01:57:06.319
It wears off, and like nine out of 10, the girl and the guy are gonna get kind of what's coming to them, and that he's gonna realize he made a mistake because he was looking for the 10% of whatever you were lacking, and he's you know, gonna have this delayed response to the breakup once you're already like moved on and over it.
01:57:06.479 --> 01:57:12.159
And then she's going to have to deal with the fact that he used her to like deal with whatever wound, you know.
01:57:12.399 --> 01:57:19.439
And like the same way, like your ex, the girl that was cheating knowingly with your ex-boyfriend.
01:57:19.920 --> 01:57:21.840
I mean, she's out for vengeance right now.
01:57:22.000 --> 01:57:24.000
She has a whole album, huh?
01:57:24.640 --> 01:57:29.920
She has a full album about this man, and she is out for blood.
01:57:30.159 --> 01:57:34.479
Um, but I mean, that's just a show, like, she's not gonna be the exception.
01:57:34.640 --> 01:57:37.920
He's gonna do to her the same thing he did to you, and it's only a matter of time.
01:57:38.079 --> 01:57:39.600
Like, just be patient.
01:57:39.680 --> 01:57:40.960
Like, just be patient.
01:57:41.119 --> 01:57:45.680
That girl will get what's coming to her with that boy if it's a guy listening and your girlfriend cheat on you.
01:57:45.840 --> 01:57:49.279
Like, the person will not change for somebody else.
01:57:49.359 --> 01:57:50.640
They're not the karma's real.
01:57:50.880 --> 01:58:01.760
Karma is real, they're not gonna end up together, and it's almost worse if they do get married and have kids, because it's just gonna happen eventually, and it's gonna be so much worse if they're married and have kids and so much more damaging.
01:58:02.000 --> 01:58:03.359
So you just can't worry about it.
01:58:03.439 --> 01:58:06.880
You just have to know, like, oh, in the way, I don't know, like what it is.
01:58:06.960 --> 01:58:09.840
I don't know if I have like a powerful witch in my bloodline.
01:58:10.479 --> 01:58:15.119
Every time a man has wronged me, they've lost their hairline, they've lost their hairline.
01:58:15.439 --> 01:58:18.960
And you know what's funny is there was a girl who seriously wronged me.
01:58:19.119 --> 01:58:20.479
She got alopecia.
01:58:20.720 --> 01:58:22.960
And so swear to God, she wears wigs now.
01:58:23.199 --> 01:58:23.520
No way.
01:58:23.920 --> 01:58:24.640
Swear to God.
01:58:24.800 --> 01:58:28.880
I don't know if there's like a don't wrong me unless you want to lose your hair, is all I have to say.
01:58:29.119 --> 01:58:31.119
That the hockey player witch.
01:58:31.600 --> 01:58:33.039
Hockey player had to go to Turkey.
01:58:33.119 --> 01:58:34.319
He got the hair transplant.
01:58:34.479 --> 01:58:35.920
I'm not sure about Colin.
01:58:36.000 --> 01:58:38.960
Um, I know that that hairline is gone because I've seen pictures.
01:58:39.119 --> 01:58:40.399
I don't know his current situation.
01:58:40.479 --> 01:58:42.479
He's I don't think he's really on social media, wish he was.
01:58:42.560 --> 01:58:44.000
I love stalking an ex now.
01:58:44.159 --> 01:58:47.520
Once the feelings are gone, I love to check in, see where they are.
01:58:47.760 --> 01:58:50.319
Um, but yeah, no, everyone loses their hair.
01:58:50.479 --> 01:58:52.159
So Carmel will come.
01:58:52.800 --> 01:58:57.039
Come, Carmel will come in whatever way, shape, or form or hairline, you know.
01:58:58.000 --> 01:58:59.359
That is so funny.
01:58:59.600 --> 01:59:01.920
Well, Michelle, I love having you on.
01:59:02.079 --> 01:59:03.920
Obviously, we've spoken for so long.
01:59:04.239 --> 01:59:04.640
So fun.
01:59:04.720 --> 01:59:05.199
I can talk to you.
01:59:05.439 --> 01:59:08.479
I can just keep talking to you all literally all night.
01:59:08.800 --> 01:59:15.680
Um, you've given so much great advice already, but what can what's one piece of advice that you can leave?
01:59:16.239 --> 01:59:20.239
I mean, again, like the whole episode is basically great advice from Michelle.
01:59:20.319 --> 01:59:25.279
So, what is a piece of advice that you could leave for our listeners today?
01:59:25.760 --> 01:59:29.520
Um that's tough.
01:59:30.000 --> 01:59:36.479
I mean, I think I think just be okay with being alone, you know.
01:59:36.640 --> 01:59:47.840
Like, I think if you if there's one thing that really changed my life, it was like getting myself into a place where like I was okay with or without somebody.
01:59:48.159 --> 01:59:58.880
Um, I think like really prioritizing to like my mindset, because I think I changed my mindset to where I'm almost delusional now.
01:59:59.039 --> 02:00:00.560
Like everything's gonna work out.
02:00:00.720 --> 02:00:03.600
Everyone that leaves my life wasn't meant to be in it.
02:00:03.840 --> 02:00:05.920
It means that there's someone else coming.
02:00:06.079 --> 02:00:14.479
Um, and just kind of getting yourself into this place where it's just like everything's a loss, everything's a loss that leaves, and I'm meant for great things.
02:00:14.640 --> 02:00:17.439
And just getting yourself into a place where you're like, what do I love?
02:00:17.600 --> 02:00:18.640
What do I want?
02:00:18.800 --> 02:00:20.720
How can I live this life for me?
02:00:20.880 --> 02:00:24.960
Like, how can I make the most because for all we know, like you really only do live one time.
02:00:25.119 --> 02:00:30.880
And so it's like, yeah, what are you gonna do so that when you're 80 years old and you potentially can't anymore?
02:00:31.039 --> 02:00:33.439
Like, how are you gonna make that person proud?
02:00:33.520 --> 02:00:38.479
So that when you're 80 and you're looking back on your life, you're like, damn, I did everything I wanted to do.
02:00:38.720 --> 02:00:41.279
I, you know, I dated in the way I wanted to date.
02:00:41.359 --> 02:00:42.560
I still stood up for myself.
02:00:42.640 --> 02:00:48.960
Like, I think just get really clear on who you want to be and what you want out of life, and then do that.
02:00:49.199 --> 02:00:53.279
I think what people will come and go, and at the end of the day, all you have is yourself.
02:00:53.520 --> 02:00:57.279
Like truly and sadly, all you really can rely on is yourself.
02:00:57.359 --> 02:01:10.000
But make it so that you're attracting great people, you're doing great things, and that if anyone is to leave or anything is to happen, you have yourself and you, you know, you still have your hobbies and you're doing what you love.
02:01:10.239 --> 02:01:13.760
And I think as long as you have that, you're always gonna be okay.
02:01:14.000 --> 02:01:31.039
So I think just like if you're in a place where like you just got cheated on and you feel really sad and you want to get revenge and you want to be the first person in a relationship, just know that like the best revenge is being like a great person and doing what you love.
02:01:31.199 --> 02:01:37.520
And I think like there definitely was a flop period where my ex thought he was like one up because he moved on first, you know.
02:01:38.159 --> 02:01:44.079
But now, like, I mean, I'm living in LA, I'm skateboarding, I'm dating celebrities, I'm getting brand deals, I'm creating content.
02:01:44.159 --> 02:01:45.279
Like, it's my dream job.
02:01:45.439 --> 02:01:52.479
Like, I think I'm living my dream life, and it was from what I've heard not the case for some of my exes.
02:01:52.640 --> 02:02:01.039
Um, so I think that is a result of just focusing on myself and building myself up to the best version possible because that's the best revenge.
02:02:01.119 --> 02:02:12.319
Like, do not worry about dating yourself for a size so long, but like I just I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to just make sure you're okay, you're putting energy into yourself.
02:02:12.640 --> 02:02:18.640
And yeah, that way when if someone ever cheats on you again, you're just like, oh, like I'm great.
02:02:18.720 --> 02:02:19.680
Why would they do that to me?
02:02:19.760 --> 02:02:22.399
And you can just move on and be like, I don't actually deserve that.
02:02:22.640 --> 02:02:32.239
Um, and I think like even though I was in that bad place when I found out, I think there's a lot to say about the fact that when I read those texts, I wasn't like, Why are you doing this?
02:02:32.319 --> 02:02:34.880
That I was just like, Oh, I actually don't deserve this.
02:02:35.039 --> 02:02:36.560
And I left, you know?
02:02:36.800 --> 02:02:39.039
So I think just have that same respect for yourself.
02:02:39.119 --> 02:02:44.079
Like, don't fight for somebody that's not fighting for you or treating you in a way and fight for yourself.
02:02:44.159 --> 02:02:49.920
Like, advocate for yourself and advocate for the life you want to live and yeah, do what's best for you.
02:02:50.239 --> 02:02:51.920
Living well is the best revenge.
02:02:52.239 --> 02:02:54.159
Live, I mean, truly, like that's the thing.
02:02:54.319 --> 02:03:01.920
It's just like there's there's no better revenge than just like leveling up, leveling yourself up, being the hottest version of yourself.
02:03:02.079 --> 02:03:09.439
Like, that's the thing too, is like you you will, once you're on that level of like you're feeling great, because it's all just a belief at the end of the day, a self-belief.
02:03:09.600 --> 02:03:19.840
That's the only thing stopping you from dating literally your childhood crush and fucking Joe Schmo who works at, you know, I don't even want to say a place because I don't want to make fun of anybody, but somewhere not great, you know?
02:03:20.000 --> 02:03:22.960
And you know, living a life like that's what that's the only thing.
02:03:23.039 --> 02:03:26.800
It's mindset, it's like getting yourself into a mindset of being like, I'm great.
02:03:26.960 --> 02:03:33.279
I deserve to date somebody great because I'm great and I'm doing what I love, and that's when you're gonna attract somebody with that same energy.
02:03:33.439 --> 02:03:39.760
So just get yourself into a headspace where you believe that you are great, and then that's when you're gonna attract somebody great.
02:03:39.840 --> 02:03:45.119
So like make that your priority and just do that for the rest of your life, and you will be 80 and you will have zero regrets.
02:03:45.439 --> 02:03:46.319
Amazing.
02:03:46.479 --> 02:03:48.239
Well, thank you so much for coming on.
02:03:48.479 --> 02:03:49.119
Well, thanks.
02:03:49.279 --> 02:03:50.720
Sorry, talk too much.
02:03:51.199 --> 02:03:52.479
No, this is so good.
02:03:52.640 --> 02:03:59.279
We could, you know, talk forever, but um, yeah, I obviously would love to have you back on at some point too.
02:03:59.520 --> 02:04:00.319
Yeah, for sure.
02:04:00.560 --> 02:04:03.600
Maybe I'll have some some nice juicy dating stories.
02:04:04.159 --> 02:04:09.840
And everyone check out Michelle's content, watch her skating videos, she's amazing.
02:04:10.000 --> 02:04:13.920
I will link your socials in the description.
02:04:14.319 --> 02:04:15.279
So fun.
02:04:16.079 --> 02:04:16.560
Bye.
02:04:16.880 --> 02:04:17.439
Bye.
02:04:18.159 --> 02:04:19.520
Join our community.
02:04:19.680 --> 02:04:26.800
Subscribe now to Head Case because breaking the stigma around mental health, that's something we should do together.

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