WEBVTT
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You're listening to Dissociated, Breaking Silence, Building Joy.
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I'm your host, Cheryl Brown.
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This podcast explores what happens when we find our voices after years of silence and how joy can exist even after the unthinkable.
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Content warning.
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This episode contains discussion of child abuse, family betrayal, trauma responses, estrangement, and the emotional impact of delayed disclosure.
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Please listen with care and take whatever pauses you need.
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Thank you for being here with me.
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There is a question survivors hear over and over again.
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Sometimes it is asked out loud.
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Sometimes it hangs in the silence underneath a conversation.
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Sometimes it arrives through a raised eyebrow, a tilted head, or the look people give when they think they are trying to understand.
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Why didn't you leave?
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Why didn't you tell someone?
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Why didn't you walk away?
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Why did you keep the peace?
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Those questions sound simple when you are standing outside the story.
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But inside the story, they are anything but simple.
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Because when abuse happens inside a family system, the truth does not only threaten the person who caused the harm, it threatens the image of the family, the structure of relationships, the routines people cling to, the version of normal everyone has agreed to protect.
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And for a child or even an adult who learned these patterns young, that can feel like too much to risk.
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For a long time, I thought my silence was only about fear.
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And fear was certainly part of it.
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But as I've looked back more honestly, I've realized it was more layered than that.
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I stayed silent for many reasons.
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Some of them were survival.
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Some of them were loyalty.
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Some of them were confusion.
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Some of them were trauma.
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And some of them, if I'm being completely honest, were selfish.
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Not selfish in the cold or careless sense of that word.
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Selfish in the deeply human sense.
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I loved my family.
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I wanted my family.
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I wanted to remain part of their lives.
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And I knew that if I told the truth, I could lose them.
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That was not a small thing to risk.
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And in the end, I did lose almost all of it.
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So this episode is about that.
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About survivors keep the peace, why they don't always walk away.
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Why silence can feel safer than truth, why staying can feel less terrifying than leaving.
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Why telling the truth can cost far more than people realize.
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And it is also about the signs survivors carry with them, the patterns, the adaptations, the ways trauma keeps speaking long after the original danger has passed.
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Because if you have ever judged yourself for staying silent or judged someone else for not leaving sooner, there is more to understand here.
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A lot more.
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When people think about abuse, they often imagine a single bad person and a single victim as though the story exists in a vacuum.
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But abuse inside a family doesn't happen in a vacuum.
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It happens inside a system.
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A system with roles, a system with routines, a system with power, a system with silence, a system with people who know, people who suspect, people who minimize, people who look away, and people who protect what feels comfortable over what is true.
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And when you are a child inside that system, you learn very quickly what is safe and what is not.
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Sometimes no one ever says the words out loud.
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No one sits you down and says, Your job is to keep this family intact.
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No one hands you a script and tells you to carry secrets.
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No one formally announces that peace matters more than truth.
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But children know.
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Children are incredibly perceptive.
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You can feel what the system values.
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You can feel what gets rewarded.
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You can feel what gets punished.
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You can feel when tension enters a room.
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You can feel which truths are welcome and which truths are dangerous.
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And when the danger comes from inside the family, the child is left with an impossible equation to tell the truth and risk blowing up the whole world to stay quiet and preserve some version of belonging.
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For many survivors, silence is not chosen from freedom.
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It is chosen from captivity.
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It is not peace in the real sense.
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It is peacekeeping.
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And peacekeeping becomes a survival skill.
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That was true for me.
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I did not think of it in those terms then, of course.
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I was not walking around as a child saying, I'm preserving the family system.
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But my actions reflected exactly that.
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Keep things calm.
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Don't make it worse.
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Don't bring the house down.
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Don't say the thing that changes everything.
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Don't become the disruption.
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And when you live that way long enough, it doesn't feel like a strategy anymore.
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It feels like your personality.
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It feels like who you are.
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You become the one who manages, the one who smooths things over, the one who tolerates, the one who protects relationships, the one who absorbs discomfort, the one who carries more than she should.
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From the outside, that can look like strength.
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And in some ways, it is.
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But it is also trauma wearing a respectable outfit.
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There isn't just one reason survivors keep the peace.
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There are many, sometimes all at once.
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And I want to be thorough here because I think this is one of the most misunderstood parts of abuse.
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People assume leaving is simple if something is bad enough.
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But the trauma does not operate on logic alone.
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Family doesn't operate on logic alone, especially mine.
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Attachment doesn't operate on logic alone.
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And neither does grief.
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For me, and I think for many other survivors, there were layers.
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Fear is not irrational when you have already seen the consequences of disruption.
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It is informed, it is learned, it is earned through experience.
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Abuse distorts shame in a way that is hard to explain unless you've lived it.
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The shame belongs to the person who caused the harm.
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But somehow it settles onto the survivor's shoulders.
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You feel contaminated by something you did not choose.
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You feel embarrassed by things that were done to you.
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You feel exposed by truths that should expose someone else.
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And shame is quieting.
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It tells you to hide.
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Children do not have adult language for manipulation, coercion, grooming, trauma bonding, or power imbalance.
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They only know something feels wrong, strange, frightening, confusing.
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And when abuse is mixed with normal family life, the confusion deepens.
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Because life does not become dark all at once.
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There are dinners, holidays, chores, birthday parties, errands, family gatherings, laughter, small talk, vacations, ordinary moments, and somehow all of that exists beside what should never have been happening.
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That kind of split reality is disorienting.
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It teaches you not to trust your own perception.
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Sometimes survivors do not stay silent because they're in denial about what happened.
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Sometimes they stay silent because they know exactly what telling the truth would destroy.
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Normalcy may have been fragile.
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It may have been false.
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It may have come at the survivor's expense.
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But it was still something.
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And when the alternative is chaos, exile, conflict, blame, and rupture, many survivors cling to the familiar pain rather than choose the unknown one.
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Love.
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This is the part people least expect.
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Love can keep survivors silent.
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Not love for what happened.
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Never that.
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Love for a mother.
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Love for siblings.
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Love for nieces and nephews.
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Love for grandparents.
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Love for cousins.
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Love for aunts and uncles.
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Love for the family life you built, even if it was built around a lie.
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Love complicates everything.
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But the truth is not only about exposing harm.
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It's also about risking connection.
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And for many survivors, connection was already hard won.
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And here is the part I want to say plainly because it matters.
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Some of my silence was self-interest.
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Again, not in a cruel way, in a human way.
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I did not want to lose the people I loved.
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I did not want to lose my place in the family.
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I did not want to lose access to relationships that mattered deeply to me.
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I did not want to lose the life I had spent years nurturing.
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That matters.
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That is real.
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That belongs in this conversation.
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Because survivors are often expected to tell the truth as if the truth exists in a neat moral vacuum, as if disclosure does not come with a profound personal cost.
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But sometimes survivors know exactly what truth will cost them.
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And that knowledge is part of what keeps them silent.
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There is another belief survivors hear often.
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Sometimes it's said out loud.
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Sometimes it's whispered through judgment or disbelief.
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Sometimes it shows up in comments that sound something like this.
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If it was really that bad, you would have left.
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If it were true, you would have run as far away as possible.
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You wouldn't have come back.
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You wouldn't have stayed connected to your family.
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At first glance, those statements might sound logical, but they reveal a deep misunderstanding about how trauma and family attachment actually work.
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Because abuse inside a family does not erase love for the rest of the family.
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It does not erase attachment to a parent.
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It does not erase the bond with siblings.
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It does not erase the joy of being present for nieces and nephews as they grow.
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It does not erase traditions, holidays, shared memories, or the countless small threads that make up a life inside a family.
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And turning eighteen does not magically undo everything a child has learned about survival.
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The nervous system does not flip a switch and say, You're free now.
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The patterns are still there.
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The attachments are still there.
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The longing for connection is still there.
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And for many survivors, the choice is not simply between staying and leaving.
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The choice often feels like this.
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Tell the truth and risk losing your entire family.
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Or keep the peace and remain connected to the people you love.
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Those are not small stakes.
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For many survivors, silence is not about pretending nothing happened.
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It's about trying to preserve relationships that still matter deeply to them.
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Coming back to family gatherings does not mean abuse didn't happen.
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Maintaining relationships does not mean someone is lying.
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Trying to stay connected to family does not mean the past was harmless.
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Sometimes it simply means the survivor loved their family.
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And love makes things complicated.
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Very complicated.
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Leaving the abuse was never the hardest part.
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Leaving the people I loved would have been.
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I mentioned love earlier.
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And that was my biggest reason.
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I stayed silent because I loved people.
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My mother was the only parent I had left.
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That mattered enormously.
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I did not want to lose her.
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I did not want to lose my younger siblings.
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I did not want to lose my nieces and nephews.
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I had worked hard over the years to cultivate what I believed were strong and meaningful relationships with them.
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I was there.
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I was there for their weddings.
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I was there for the joy of new homes.
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I was there for the births of children.
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I celebrated jobs and milestones and the ordinary markers of life that weave people together.
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I was there for my extended family too.
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I helped take care of cousins.
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I showed up when an uncle was in the hospital.
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I tried to maintain relationships with my aunts.
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I invested in these relationships because they mattered to me.
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I did what I could to help take care of my grandmother.
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Being part of the life of my family was extremely important to me.
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I chose them again and again.
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I turned down time with friends because I always put family first.
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Not because I had to, because I wanted to.
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Because I loved them.
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Because I wanted to be present.
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Because I want it to belong.
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Because I wanted those bonds to remain strong.
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And all of that became part of the equation.
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When people ask why survivors keep the peace, this is one of the answers they often miss.
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Sometimes telling the truth means risking not just one relationship, but dozens.
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Not just one painful rupture, but a cascading series of losses.
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Not just exposing harm, but forfeiting birthdays, holidays, visits, traditions, ordinary contact, and the possibility of being woven into the day-to-day lives of the people you love.
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That is not theoretical.
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That is devastating.
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And in my case, it was not paranoia.
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It happened.
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When I finally told the truth about someone hurting me, someone who had married into this family, I lost so much of the family I had worked so hard to love and remain connected to.
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That pain is difficult to describe.
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To be turned away because you told the truth about being hurt, even if it was years later, to be distanced not because you caused harm, but because you named it.
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To watch people choose comfort, denial, loyalty to the wrong person, or their own version of peace over your reality?
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That is a hurt I would not wish on anyone.
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And I think people need to understand that survivors often know this risk long before they ever speak.
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Sometimes they remain silent because they already understand the punishment.
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There's another reason I stayed silent.
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And this one marked me deeply.
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I had already seen what happened when someone tried to tell the truth.
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My sister Karen spoke up when she was sixteen.
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And instead of being protected, she was treated like the problem.
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She became the talk of the family.
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Not the abuse.
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Not the person responsible.
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Karen.
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She was labeled, judged, talked about, dismissed, the problem child, the liar, the one causing trouble.
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Watching that was terrifying.
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Because it sent a message to everyone else in the system.
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In this family, truth does not lead to protection.
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Truth leads to punishment.
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Truth makes you the target.
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Truth makes you the problem.
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Truth invites people to study you, criticize you, gossip about you, and isolate you.
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I saw how nasty family could be.
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I saw how quickly the focus moved away from the person who had done harm and on to the person brave enough to say it.
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That did something to me.
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It taught me silence was safer.
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It taught me that speaking up could cost you your place, your reputation, your relationships, your standing in the family.
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And I need to say something else here too.
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Karen was brave.
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Braver than the family gave her credit for.
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Braver than she ever should have needed to be at sixteen.
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And I've had to live with the fact that I did not speak up then.
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I was afraid.
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I saw what happened to her, and out of fear, I stayed silent.
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That silence protected me in some ways.
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But it also left Karen carrying the burden.
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She should not have had to carry alone.
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That is painful to admit.
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But it's true.
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And I think that matters too.
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Because silence inside a family system is not always indifference.
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Sometimes silence is the result of watching the first truth teller be sacrificed.
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There are other dynamics that can keep survivors emotionally tethered to harmful systems.
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And this is one of those places where language can be helpful.
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People sometimes use the term Stockholm syndrome to describe a situation where someone forms an attachment to a person who is harming or controlling them.
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In family abuse dynamics, a more useful term is often trauma bonding, though the language can vary depending on the situation and the clinician.
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What matters most is understanding the pattern.
00:28:59.519 --> 00:29:17.119
When the person who causes fear is also tangled up with safety, approval, belonging, identity, or access to family life, the nervous system can form deeply confusing attachments.
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:20.720
The mind learns something like this.
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:40.079
This person scares me, this person hurts me, this person affects my safety, and somehow, my ability to stay connected, accepted, or stable is also wrapped around them.
00:29:42.319 --> 00:29:45.680
That creates a terrible kind of confusion.
00:29:47.200 --> 00:29:53.759
If the person is occasionally kind, that kindness lands with enormous power.
00:29:54.480 --> 00:29:59.519
If they act normal, that normalcy becomes disorienting.
00:30:00.960 --> 00:30:08.079
If the system continues to welcome them, the survivor begins to doubt herself all over again.
00:30:09.599 --> 00:30:22.160
You can end up feeling fear and loyalty at the same time, anger and grief at the same time, disgust and protectiveness at the same time.
00:30:23.599 --> 00:30:30.240
A desire to escape and a desire not to lose everything connected to the situation.
00:30:31.599 --> 00:30:39.119
From the outside, people may look at a survivor and think, Why are you still connected?
00:30:39.519 --> 00:30:41.839
Why are you still showing up?
00:30:42.400 --> 00:30:44.799
Why didn't you cut them all off?
00:30:46.640 --> 00:30:49.200
But trauma is not tidy.
00:30:49.920 --> 00:30:53.440
Trauma does not always move in straight lines.
00:30:54.720 --> 00:31:13.119
And when abuse is bound up with family belonging, holidays, children, siblings, parents, grandparents, traditions, and decades of relationship, detaching is not just emotional.
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:16.960
It can feel existential.
00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:23.920
For some survivors, the system becomes the only map they have ever known.
00:31:24.480 --> 00:31:33.039
Even when it is unsafe, even when it is unjust, even when it keeps requiring their silence.
00:31:34.000 --> 00:31:37.119
That does not mean the survivor is weak.
00:31:37.519 --> 00:31:42.160
It means trauma has roots, deep ones.
00:31:50.240 --> 00:32:02.880
Another reason survivors don't always walk away or tell the truth is because the brain is remarkably skilled at helping people function around unbearable realities.
00:32:03.279 --> 00:32:07.359
For me, dissociation was part of survival.
00:32:08.079 --> 00:32:12.640
And dissociation does not always look dramatic from the outside.
00:32:13.119 --> 00:32:27.359
Sometimes it looks like functioning, sometimes it looks like competence, productivity, reliability, calmness, keeping things moving, showing up.
00:32:28.000 --> 00:32:39.920
Sometimes it looks like a person who has figured out how to live two lives, the external life that everyone can see, and the internal life that is sealed off in pieces.
00:32:41.440 --> 00:32:45.440
Compartmentalization can be incredibly effective.
00:32:45.839 --> 00:32:51.440
You can put things in boxes, you shut the lids, you continue.
00:32:52.000 --> 00:33:02.079
You go to work, you care for people, you show up for milestones, you maintain relationships, you keep the train on the tracks.
00:33:03.440 --> 00:33:08.480
And because you can still function, people assume you must be fine.
00:33:09.039 --> 00:33:12.000
Sometimes you assume that too.
00:33:12.559 --> 00:33:20.160
Sometimes the survival strategy becomes so familiar that you stop recognizing it as a trauma response.
00:33:20.559 --> 00:33:24.319
And it just becomes the way you move through the world.
00:33:24.880 --> 00:33:28.640
And then one day you realize something painful.
00:33:29.279 --> 00:33:30.960
You're not healed.
00:33:31.279 --> 00:33:32.880
You are organized.
00:33:33.680 --> 00:33:35.119
You're not free.
00:33:35.599 --> 00:33:36.880
You are coping.
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:39.680
You're not at peace.
00:33:40.240 --> 00:33:43.519
You're holding everything very, very still.
00:33:44.720 --> 00:33:54.240
That is the part of why survivors may remain in systems or stay connected to people long after others think they should have left.
00:33:54.640 --> 00:34:02.640
The nervous system has learned how to survive proximity, contradiction, denial, and pain.
00:34:03.359 --> 00:34:07.759
Not because it is healthy, because it is adaptive.
00:34:15.039 --> 00:34:22.000
There is no single look, personality, or path that defines a survivor.
00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:27.360
But there are patterns many survivors recognize later in life.
00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:35.519
And sometimes what we thought were personality traits were actually survival adaptations.
00:34:36.800 --> 00:35:56.880
Things like feeling responsible for other people's emotions, watching the room constantly, trying to prevent conflict before it starts, apologizing quickly, minimizing your own hurt, people pleasing, perfectionism, hyper-independence, difficulty trusting your instincts, emotional numbness, feeling disconnected from your body, struggling to identify what you need, keeping parts of your life tightly compartmentalized, being very capable while feeling deeply unsafe underneath it all, loyalty to people who have not earned it, a tendency to stay too long in harmful situations because leaving feels more dangerous than enduring, difficulty believing your own experience if others deny it, feeling guilty for telling the truth, feeling guilty for even having needs, feeling like your role is to absorb pain so others can remain comfortable.
00:35:58.079 --> 00:36:07.280
And one of the biggest signs can be this a deep, almost reflexive need to keep the peace.
00:36:08.159 --> 00:36:16.000
Not because peace is truly present, but because conflict feels catastrophic.
00:36:17.280 --> 00:36:35.760
Some survivors become overexplainers, some become very private, some become highly attuned caretakers, some become driven achievers, some disconnect emotionally and seem unfazed.
00:36:36.639 --> 00:36:39.119
Some struggle in relationships.
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:42.960
Some become the strong one.
00:36:44.239 --> 00:36:47.840
Some lose themselves in service to others.
00:36:48.400 --> 00:36:52.000
Some alternate between numbness and overwhelm.
00:36:53.519 --> 00:36:57.840
None of those things automatically means someone is a survivor.
00:36:58.480 --> 00:37:06.480
But many survivors hear those descriptions and think, yes, that feels familiar.
00:37:08.320 --> 00:37:11.360
And I think it matters to say this clearly.
00:37:12.480 --> 00:37:16.320
These patterns are not moral failings.
00:37:16.960 --> 00:37:19.360
They are not signs of weakness.
00:37:19.760 --> 00:37:23.920
They are not evidence that something is wrong with your character.
00:37:24.320 --> 00:37:26.000
They are adaptations.
00:37:27.039 --> 00:37:38.159
They are what the mind and body learned to do to survive environments that were unsafe, inconsistent, invalidating, or harmful.
00:37:38.639 --> 00:37:44.880
And many survivors do not recognize those adaptations until much later.
00:37:45.440 --> 00:37:51.599
Because when something kept you alive, it can feel normal for a very long time.
00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:08.480
There is another layer of pain that comes with disclosure, and it is one people do not always talk about enough.
00:38:10.079 --> 00:38:17.840
Sometimes the original harm is one wound, and the reaction to the truth is another.
00:38:40.239 --> 00:38:52.239
But at the trial, when they walked in and sat behind him, I realized something devastating.
00:38:54.400 --> 00:38:57.840
Those connections had not been what I thought they were.
00:38:59.360 --> 00:39:04.639
They had been keeping tabs on me, on me and my sisters.
00:39:06.159 --> 00:39:09.760
That realization hurt in a way I can still feel.
00:39:11.280 --> 00:39:15.840
Because betrayal after betrayal has its own weight.
00:39:17.440 --> 00:39:39.840
Not only were you harmed, not only were you disbelieved or rejected, but even gestures that appeared relational turn out to be surveillance, information gathering, or allegiance to the person who caused the damage.
00:39:41.840 --> 00:39:44.320
That does something to trust.
00:39:46.239 --> 00:39:56.079
It does something to your sense of reality, to your grief, to your understanding of what family means.
00:39:58.320 --> 00:40:00.719
And then there was my grandmother.
00:40:02.159 --> 00:40:05.920
She suffered a stroke the day she received a subpoena.
00:40:08.239 --> 00:40:12.800
After that, one of my aunts told me I was no longer allowed to see her.
00:40:14.400 --> 00:40:16.639
That loss cut deeply.
00:40:17.760 --> 00:40:20.159
Because I love my grandmother.
00:40:20.639 --> 00:40:22.480
I helped care for her.
00:40:23.199 --> 00:40:25.039
I had shown up for her.
00:40:26.480 --> 00:40:34.559
In many ways, I had been more present in her life than two of her own daughters.
00:40:35.920 --> 00:40:39.360
And still, I lost access to her.
00:40:41.119 --> 00:40:48.000
This is part of the cost people do not see when they ask survivors why they didn't speak sooner.
00:40:49.199 --> 00:40:56.719
Sometimes survivors know that telling the truth may cost them not only comfort, but contact.
00:40:57.599 --> 00:41:00.800
Not only illusion, but intimacy.
00:41:02.000 --> 00:41:06.480
Not only denial, but entire branches of the family.
00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:10.719
That knowledge can keep a person quiet for years.
00:41:19.039 --> 00:41:29.840
People often imagine walking away as a clean act, a strong act, a decisive act, a simple act.
00:41:30.639 --> 00:41:36.000
But walking away is rarely simple when your roots are tangled in the soil.
00:41:37.280 --> 00:41:39.280
What are you walking away from?
00:41:40.239 --> 00:41:41.519
A single person?
00:41:42.239 --> 00:42:01.519
Or your mother, your siblings, your nieces and nephews, your grandmother, your traditions, your holidays, your memories, your identity, your role in the family, your access to the people you love.
00:42:04.079 --> 00:42:08.880
Sometimes walking away means not only escaping harm.
00:42:10.239 --> 00:42:13.039
It means grieving an entire life.
00:42:14.320 --> 00:42:31.039
It means grieving people who are still alive, grieving relationships that may never recover, grieving the family you hoped they would be, grieving the version of belonging you kept trying to preserve.
00:42:31.920 --> 00:42:38.559
And even after telling the truth, many survivors still feel the pull.
00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:42.000
Not because they want harm.
00:42:42.719 --> 00:42:45.039
Because attachment is powerful.
00:42:45.840 --> 00:42:48.480
Because family history is powerful.
00:42:49.679 --> 00:42:53.760
Because love does not evaporate just because people fail you.
00:42:55.440 --> 00:42:58.320
That is one of the cruelest parts of it.
00:42:59.440 --> 00:43:03.119
You can love people who did not love you well.
00:43:04.000 --> 00:43:07.760
You can miss people who chose the wrong side.
00:43:08.320 --> 00:43:12.880
You can long for connection with people who became unsafe.
00:43:13.679 --> 00:43:19.360
You can still ache for family even after family becomes part of the wound.
00:43:20.159 --> 00:43:24.159
That is not weakness, that is grief.
00:43:32.880 --> 00:43:38.559
Looking back now, I can see that I was not simply keeping peace.
00:43:39.119 --> 00:43:40.880
I was carrying a system.
00:43:41.920 --> 00:43:54.960
I was trying to preserve relationships, protect my place in the family, avoid becoming the next target, and holding on to the people I loved.
00:43:56.320 --> 00:43:59.599
I was also carrying what I had learned from watching Karen.
00:44:01.440 --> 00:44:03.920
Watching truth get punished.
00:44:05.039 --> 00:44:09.519
Watching the family rally around comfort instead of courage.
00:44:11.360 --> 00:44:14.320
I thought silence was protecting everything important.
00:44:16.159 --> 00:44:25.119
But I understand now that the system I was protecting was never designed to protect me.
00:44:26.719 --> 00:44:29.119
That is a hard realization.
00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:39.840
Because it means you spend years sacrificing yourself for something that would not do the same for you.
00:44:42.400 --> 00:44:47.039
It means the peace you were preserving was not true peace at all.
00:44:47.840 --> 00:44:51.519
It was silence purchased with your pain.
00:44:54.000 --> 00:45:04.559
And yet I also want to hold compassion for the version of me who stayed silent because she was doing what she knew how to do.
00:45:05.679 --> 00:45:17.679
She was trying to survive, trying to belong, trying to love and be loved, trying not to lose everything.
00:45:19.440 --> 00:45:23.599
That version of me deserves tenderness, not judgment.
00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:27.920
And I think many survivors need to hear that too.
00:45:29.039 --> 00:45:32.880
The fact that you stayed does not mean you agreed.
00:45:33.360 --> 00:45:37.760
The fact that you were silent does not mean that it was harmless.
00:45:38.639 --> 00:45:44.719
The fact that you loved your family does not mean what happened was acceptable.
00:45:45.599 --> 00:45:50.800
The fact that leaving felt impossible does not mean you were weak.
00:45:52.480 --> 00:46:00.000
It means you were inside something complex and painful and powerful.
00:46:02.079 --> 00:46:06.000
It means survival had many layers.
00:46:13.519 --> 00:46:24.480
When people ask survivors why they kept the peace, I think what they are often really asking is why truth took so long.
00:46:25.679 --> 00:46:27.360
And the answer is this.
00:48:07.199 --> 00:48:13.280
And I think survivors deserve the dignity of telling the truth in its full complexity.
00:48:14.079 --> 00:48:42.880
Not the cleaned up version, not the brave and simple version, the real version, the version where love and fear can coexist, where silence is survival, where loyalty becomes self-betrayal, where truth arrives late not because it was absent, but because the cost of speaking it was enormous.
00:48:44.960 --> 00:49:00.719
If you are someone who has ever stayed too long, kept the peace, minimized your pain, doubted your own instincts, or judged yourself for not leaving sooner, I hope you hear this.
00:49:02.079 --> 00:49:08.000
Your survival strategies made sense in the context in which they were formed.
00:49:08.719 --> 00:49:16.320
They may not be what you want to carry forever, but they did not come from weakness.
00:49:17.280 --> 00:49:24.559
They came from adaptation, and there is a difference, a profound one.
00:49:26.960 --> 00:49:34.480
For years the silence held, or maybe more truthfully, I held it.
00:49:35.039 --> 00:49:40.880
I carried it, protected it, organized my life around it.
00:49:41.760 --> 00:49:48.559
But eventually, what has been buried does not stay buried in the same way forever.
00:49:49.440 --> 00:49:51.280
The body remembers.
00:49:52.000 --> 00:49:54.559
Relationships feel the impact.
00:49:55.119 --> 00:49:57.599
Patterns begin to surface.
00:49:58.639 --> 00:50:04.800
And slowly the question shifts from how do I keep this hidden?
00:50:05.360 --> 00:50:07.760
To what has this cost me?
00:50:08.559 --> 00:50:10.800
That is where we're going next.
00:50:11.360 --> 00:50:13.119
Thank you for being here.
00:50:18.480 --> 00:50:23.440
This podcast exists to break silence and build connection.
00:50:23.840 --> 00:50:33.360
If you're a survivor, a mental health professional, or someone who feels called to share their experience, I invite you to reach out.
00:50:33.679 --> 00:50:45.760
You can contact me at info at dissociatedpod.com if you're interested in being part of a future episode or contributing to this conversation.
00:50:46.159 --> 00:50:50.880
Your voice matters, and you don't have to carry your story alone.
00:51:07.199 --> 00:51:09.599
I'm your host, Cheryl Brown.
00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:13.599
Healing is a journey, not a finish line.
00:51:13.920 --> 00:51:18.800
And joy can meet us in the smallest moments along the way.
00:51:19.280 --> 00:51:21.039
I'm glad you were here.
00:00:08.000 --> 00:00:12.800
You're listening to Dissociated, Breaking Silence, Building Joy.
00:00:12.960 --> 00:00:15.359
I'm your host, Cheryl Brown.
00:00:15.679 --> 00:00:25.760
This podcast explores what happens when we find our voices after years of silence and how joy can exist even after the unthinkable.
00:00:30.559 --> 00:00:32.159
Content warning.
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:44.479
This episode contains discussion of child abuse, family betrayal, trauma responses, estrangement, and the emotional impact of delayed disclosure.
00:00:44.719 --> 00:00:48.479
Please listen with care and take whatever pauses you need.
00:00:48.799 --> 00:00:50.799
Thank you for being here with me.
00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:06.000
There is a question survivors hear over and over again.
00:01:06.719 --> 00:01:09.599
Sometimes it is asked out loud.
00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:15.359
Sometimes it hangs in the silence underneath a conversation.
00:01:16.799 --> 00:01:28.000
Sometimes it arrives through a raised eyebrow, a tilted head, or the look people give when they think they are trying to understand.
00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:33.840
Why didn't you leave?
00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:39.040
Why didn't you tell someone?
00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:43.359
Why didn't you walk away?
00:01:45.280 --> 00:01:47.519
Why did you keep the peace?
00:01:49.680 --> 00:01:56.000
Those questions sound simple when you are standing outside the story.
00:01:57.599 --> 00:02:02.319
But inside the story, they are anything but simple.
00:02:04.319 --> 00:02:29.039
Because when abuse happens inside a family system, the truth does not only threaten the person who caused the harm, it threatens the image of the family, the structure of relationships, the routines people cling to, the version of normal everyone has agreed to protect.
00:02:30.639 --> 00:02:40.639
And for a child or even an adult who learned these patterns young, that can feel like too much to risk.
00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:48.319
For a long time, I thought my silence was only about fear.
00:02:49.599 --> 00:02:52.000
And fear was certainly part of it.
00:02:53.759 --> 00:03:01.280
But as I've looked back more honestly, I've realized it was more layered than that.
00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:05.680
I stayed silent for many reasons.
00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:08.639
Some of them were survival.
00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:11.840
Some of them were loyalty.
00:03:13.120 --> 00:03:15.120
Some of them were confusion.
00:03:16.479 --> 00:03:18.240
Some of them were trauma.
00:03:19.759 --> 00:03:25.280
And some of them, if I'm being completely honest, were selfish.
00:03:26.879 --> 00:03:30.960
Not selfish in the cold or careless sense of that word.
00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:35.680
Selfish in the deeply human sense.
00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:40.000
I loved my family.
00:03:41.039 --> 00:03:43.280
I wanted my family.
00:03:44.319 --> 00:03:47.680
I wanted to remain part of their lives.
00:03:48.159 --> 00:03:52.800
And I knew that if I told the truth, I could lose them.
00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:57.360
That was not a small thing to risk.
00:03:58.400 --> 00:04:04.400
And in the end, I did lose almost all of it.
00:04:05.919 --> 00:04:08.719
So this episode is about that.
00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:15.680
About survivors keep the peace, why they don't always walk away.
00:04:16.240 --> 00:04:23.839
Why silence can feel safer than truth, why staying can feel less terrifying than leaving.
00:04:24.560 --> 00:04:29.600
Why telling the truth can cost far more than people realize.
00:04:30.879 --> 00:04:45.120
And it is also about the signs survivors carry with them, the patterns, the adaptations, the ways trauma keeps speaking long after the original danger has passed.
00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:56.800
Because if you have ever judged yourself for staying silent or judged someone else for not leaving sooner, there is more to understand here.
00:04:58.000 --> 00:04:58.959
A lot more.
00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:15.680
When people think about abuse, they often imagine a single bad person and a single victim as though the story exists in a vacuum.
00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:22.240
But abuse inside a family doesn't happen in a vacuum.
00:05:23.759 --> 00:05:26.079
It happens inside a system.
00:05:27.360 --> 00:05:54.399
A system with roles, a system with routines, a system with power, a system with silence, a system with people who know, people who suspect, people who minimize, people who look away, and people who protect what feels comfortable over what is true.
00:05:56.079 --> 00:06:04.240
And when you are a child inside that system, you learn very quickly what is safe and what is not.
00:06:06.720 --> 00:06:11.199
Sometimes no one ever says the words out loud.
00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:19.360
No one sits you down and says, Your job is to keep this family intact.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:25.680
No one hands you a script and tells you to carry secrets.
00:06:27.120 --> 00:06:31.920
No one formally announces that peace matters more than truth.
00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:34.959
But children know.
00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:39.279
Children are incredibly perceptive.
00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:44.079
You can feel what the system values.
00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:47.600
You can feel what gets rewarded.
00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:51.120
You can feel what gets punished.
00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:55.360
You can feel when tension enters a room.
00:06:56.319 --> 00:07:02.160
You can feel which truths are welcome and which truths are dangerous.
00:07:03.360 --> 00:07:24.800
And when the danger comes from inside the family, the child is left with an impossible equation to tell the truth and risk blowing up the whole world to stay quiet and preserve some version of belonging.
00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:32.160
For many survivors, silence is not chosen from freedom.
00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:36.160
It is chosen from captivity.
00:07:37.279 --> 00:07:40.399
It is not peace in the real sense.
00:07:41.759 --> 00:07:43.680
It is peacekeeping.
00:07:44.959 --> 00:07:48.639
And peacekeeping becomes a survival skill.
00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:52.000
That was true for me.
00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:57.519
I did not think of it in those terms then, of course.
00:07:58.000 --> 00:08:03.360
I was not walking around as a child saying, I'm preserving the family system.
00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:07.519
But my actions reflected exactly that.
00:08:08.319 --> 00:08:10.000
Keep things calm.
00:08:10.720 --> 00:08:12.399
Don't make it worse.
00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:15.120
Don't bring the house down.
00:08:16.160 --> 00:08:19.279
Don't say the thing that changes everything.
00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:22.160
Don't become the disruption.
00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:30.000
And when you live that way long enough, it doesn't feel like a strategy anymore.
00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:32.799
It feels like your personality.
00:08:33.840 --> 00:08:36.000
It feels like who you are.
00:08:37.600 --> 00:08:55.600
You become the one who manages, the one who smooths things over, the one who tolerates, the one who protects relationships, the one who absorbs discomfort, the one who carries more than she should.
00:08:56.960 --> 00:09:00.879
From the outside, that can look like strength.
00:09:01.279 --> 00:09:03.679
And in some ways, it is.
00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:10.080
But it is also trauma wearing a respectable outfit.
00:09:14.639 --> 00:09:18.559
There isn't just one reason survivors keep the peace.
00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:22.639
There are many, sometimes all at once.
00:09:23.919 --> 00:09:31.519
And I want to be thorough here because I think this is one of the most misunderstood parts of abuse.
00:09:32.720 --> 00:09:38.080
People assume leaving is simple if something is bad enough.
00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:43.360
But the trauma does not operate on logic alone.
00:09:44.240 --> 00:09:49.600
Family doesn't operate on logic alone, especially mine.
00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:54.480
Attachment doesn't operate on logic alone.
00:09:55.519 --> 00:09:57.279
And neither does grief.
00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:05.759
For me, and I think for many other survivors, there were layers.
00:10:39.759 --> 00:10:46.559
Fear is not irrational when you have already seen the consequences of disruption.
00:10:48.080 --> 00:10:56.080
It is informed, it is learned, it is earned through experience.
00:10:59.360 --> 00:11:06.559
Abuse distorts shame in a way that is hard to explain unless you've lived it.
00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:11.919
The shame belongs to the person who caused the harm.
00:11:13.279 --> 00:11:18.240
But somehow it settles onto the survivor's shoulders.
00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:24.080
You feel contaminated by something you did not choose.
00:11:25.600 --> 00:11:29.759
You feel embarrassed by things that were done to you.
00:11:31.120 --> 00:11:36.399
You feel exposed by truths that should expose someone else.
00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:39.759
And shame is quieting.
00:11:41.279 --> 00:11:43.120
It tells you to hide.
00:11:55.840 --> 00:12:06.879
Children do not have adult language for manipulation, coercion, grooming, trauma bonding, or power imbalance.
00:12:08.240 --> 00:12:15.679
They only know something feels wrong, strange, frightening, confusing.
00:12:16.879 --> 00:12:23.360
And when abuse is mixed with normal family life, the confusion deepens.
00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:28.720
Because life does not become dark all at once.
00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:58.559
There are dinners, holidays, chores, birthday parties, errands, family gatherings, laughter, small talk, vacations, ordinary moments, and somehow all of that exists beside what should never have been happening.
00:12:59.919 --> 00:13:03.919
That kind of split reality is disorienting.
00:13:05.679 --> 00:13:09.440
It teaches you not to trust your own perception.
00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:20.480
Sometimes survivors do not stay silent because they're in denial about what happened.
00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:27.600
Sometimes they stay silent because they know exactly what telling the truth would destroy.
00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:32.320
Normalcy may have been fragile.
00:13:33.759 --> 00:13:35.679
It may have been false.
00:13:37.279 --> 00:13:40.799
It may have come at the survivor's expense.
00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:43.840
But it was still something.
00:13:45.440 --> 00:14:00.720
And when the alternative is chaos, exile, conflict, blame, and rupture, many survivors cling to the familiar pain rather than choose the unknown one.
00:14:04.240 --> 00:14:04.879
Love.
00:14:07.039 --> 00:14:09.759
This is the part people least expect.
00:14:11.679 --> 00:14:14.399
Love can keep survivors silent.
00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:18.559
Not love for what happened.
00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:20.159
Never that.
00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:29.519
Love for a mother.
00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:32.399
Love for siblings.
00:14:33.600 --> 00:14:36.000
Love for nieces and nephews.
00:14:36.879 --> 00:14:38.559
Love for grandparents.
00:14:39.519 --> 00:14:41.120
Love for cousins.
00:14:41.919 --> 00:14:44.240
Love for aunts and uncles.
00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:50.080
Love for the family life you built, even if it was built around a lie.
00:14:51.679 --> 00:14:54.240
Love complicates everything.
00:14:56.399 --> 00:15:00.480
But the truth is not only about exposing harm.
00:15:01.600 --> 00:15:04.320
It's also about risking connection.
00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:11.279
And for many survivors, connection was already hard won.
00:15:15.440 --> 00:15:19.679
And here is the part I want to say plainly because it matters.
00:15:20.960 --> 00:15:24.720
Some of my silence was self-interest.
00:15:25.840 --> 00:15:30.320
Again, not in a cruel way, in a human way.
00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:34.240
I did not want to lose the people I loved.
00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:38.240
I did not want to lose my place in the family.
00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:44.320
I did not want to lose access to relationships that mattered deeply to me.
00:15:45.759 --> 00:15:49.840
I did not want to lose the life I had spent years nurturing.
00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:52.639
That matters.
00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:54.399
That is real.
00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:58.000
That belongs in this conversation.
00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:14.000
Because survivors are often expected to tell the truth as if the truth exists in a neat moral vacuum, as if disclosure does not come with a profound personal cost.
00:16:16.080 --> 00:16:22.480
But sometimes survivors know exactly what truth will cost them.
00:16:23.919 --> 00:16:27.600
And that knowledge is part of what keeps them silent.
00:16:31.200 --> 00:16:35.440
There is another belief survivors hear often.
00:16:37.120 --> 00:16:39.440
Sometimes it's said out loud.
00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:43.919
Sometimes it's whispered through judgment or disbelief.
00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:49.759
Sometimes it shows up in comments that sound something like this.
00:16:51.840 --> 00:16:55.360
If it was really that bad, you would have left.
00:16:56.240 --> 00:17:00.960
If it were true, you would have run as far away as possible.
00:17:02.720 --> 00:17:04.400
You wouldn't have come back.
00:17:05.680 --> 00:17:08.480
You wouldn't have stayed connected to your family.
00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:25.039
At first glance, those statements might sound logical, but they reveal a deep misunderstanding about how trauma and family attachment actually work.
00:17:27.200 --> 00:17:33.200
Because abuse inside a family does not erase love for the rest of the family.
00:17:34.319 --> 00:17:37.519
It does not erase attachment to a parent.
00:17:38.400 --> 00:17:41.440
It does not erase the bond with siblings.
00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:48.319
It does not erase the joy of being present for nieces and nephews as they grow.
00:17:49.519 --> 00:17:59.599
It does not erase traditions, holidays, shared memories, or the countless small threads that make up a life inside a family.
00:18:01.519 --> 00:18:08.480
And turning eighteen does not magically undo everything a child has learned about survival.
00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:15.359
The nervous system does not flip a switch and say, You're free now.
00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:19.759
The patterns are still there.
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:22.400
The attachments are still there.
00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:25.920
The longing for connection is still there.
00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:32.640
And for many survivors, the choice is not simply between staying and leaving.
00:18:33.920 --> 00:18:36.400
The choice often feels like this.
00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:42.559
Tell the truth and risk losing your entire family.
00:18:43.519 --> 00:18:49.200
Or keep the peace and remain connected to the people you love.
00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:52.400
Those are not small stakes.
00:18:52.799 --> 00:18:58.400
For many survivors, silence is not about pretending nothing happened.
00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:04.079
It's about trying to preserve relationships that still matter deeply to them.
00:19:05.920 --> 00:19:11.200
Coming back to family gatherings does not mean abuse didn't happen.
00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:15.920
Maintaining relationships does not mean someone is lying.
00:19:16.960 --> 00:19:22.319
Trying to stay connected to family does not mean the past was harmless.
00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:28.400
Sometimes it simply means the survivor loved their family.
00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:32.160
And love makes things complicated.
00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:34.799
Very complicated.
00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:39.839
Leaving the abuse was never the hardest part.
00:19:40.799 --> 00:19:43.599
Leaving the people I loved would have been.
00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:02.960
I mentioned love earlier.
00:20:04.720 --> 00:20:07.440
And that was my biggest reason.
00:20:09.039 --> 00:20:12.799
I stayed silent because I loved people.
00:20:14.720 --> 00:20:17.839
My mother was the only parent I had left.
00:20:19.279 --> 00:20:21.519
That mattered enormously.
00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:24.960
I did not want to lose her.
00:20:26.720 --> 00:20:29.599
I did not want to lose my younger siblings.
00:20:31.359 --> 00:20:34.799
I did not want to lose my nieces and nephews.
00:20:37.200 --> 00:20:45.519
I had worked hard over the years to cultivate what I believed were strong and meaningful relationships with them.
00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:48.319
I was there.
00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:52.240
I was there for their weddings.
00:20:52.960 --> 00:20:55.759
I was there for the joy of new homes.
00:20:56.720 --> 00:20:59.359
I was there for the births of children.
00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:07.839
I celebrated jobs and milestones and the ordinary markers of life that weave people together.
00:21:09.200 --> 00:21:12.160
I was there for my extended family too.
00:21:13.119 --> 00:21:15.359
I helped take care of cousins.
00:21:16.319 --> 00:21:19.200
I showed up when an uncle was in the hospital.
00:21:20.079 --> 00:21:23.599
I tried to maintain relationships with my aunts.
00:21:24.640 --> 00:21:28.400
I invested in these relationships because they mattered to me.
00:21:30.240 --> 00:21:33.599
I did what I could to help take care of my grandmother.
00:21:35.759 --> 00:21:41.599
Being part of the life of my family was extremely important to me.
00:21:42.960 --> 00:21:46.400
I chose them again and again.
00:21:48.319 --> 00:21:52.960
I turned down time with friends because I always put family first.
00:21:53.680 --> 00:21:57.680
Not because I had to, because I wanted to.
00:21:58.559 --> 00:21:59.759
Because I loved them.
00:22:00.960 --> 00:22:03.279
Because I wanted to be present.
00:22:04.880 --> 00:22:06.960
Because I want it to belong.
00:22:08.400 --> 00:22:11.920
Because I wanted those bonds to remain strong.
00:22:13.680 --> 00:22:17.440
And all of that became part of the equation.
00:22:19.359 --> 00:22:26.640
When people ask why survivors keep the peace, this is one of the answers they often miss.
00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:35.680
Sometimes telling the truth means risking not just one relationship, but dozens.
00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:43.359
Not just one painful rupture, but a cascading series of losses.
00:22:45.039 --> 00:23:02.960
Not just exposing harm, but forfeiting birthdays, holidays, visits, traditions, ordinary contact, and the possibility of being woven into the day-to-day lives of the people you love.
00:23:05.519 --> 00:23:07.440
That is not theoretical.
00:23:08.319 --> 00:23:10.160
That is devastating.
00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:15.759
And in my case, it was not paranoia.
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:18.640
It happened.
00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:37.279
When I finally told the truth about someone hurting me, someone who had married into this family, I lost so much of the family I had worked so hard to love and remain connected to.
00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:43.119
That pain is difficult to describe.
00:23:44.319 --> 00:24:00.160
To be turned away because you told the truth about being hurt, even if it was years later, to be distanced not because you caused harm, but because you named it.
00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:14.960
To watch people choose comfort, denial, loyalty to the wrong person, or their own version of peace over your reality?
00:24:16.960 --> 00:24:20.400
That is a hurt I would not wish on anyone.
00:24:21.359 --> 00:24:29.440
And I think people need to understand that survivors often know this risk long before they ever speak.
00:24:30.319 --> 00:24:36.319
Sometimes they remain silent because they already understand the punishment.
00:24:44.720 --> 00:24:47.519
There's another reason I stayed silent.
00:24:48.799 --> 00:24:51.119
And this one marked me deeply.
00:24:52.799 --> 00:24:57.200
I had already seen what happened when someone tried to tell the truth.
00:24:59.200 --> 00:25:02.720
My sister Karen spoke up when she was sixteen.
00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:08.640
And instead of being protected, she was treated like the problem.
00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:12.640
She became the talk of the family.
00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:14.640
Not the abuse.
00:25:15.599 --> 00:25:17.519
Not the person responsible.
00:25:18.720 --> 00:25:19.279
Karen.
00:25:20.880 --> 00:25:34.319
She was labeled, judged, talked about, dismissed, the problem child, the liar, the one causing trouble.
00:25:36.079 --> 00:25:38.799
Watching that was terrifying.
00:25:39.200 --> 00:25:42.960
Because it sent a message to everyone else in the system.
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:48.000
In this family, truth does not lead to protection.
00:25:49.039 --> 00:25:51.200
Truth leads to punishment.
00:25:52.160 --> 00:25:54.319
Truth makes you the target.
00:25:55.200 --> 00:25:57.039
Truth makes you the problem.
00:25:58.400 --> 00:26:06.880
Truth invites people to study you, criticize you, gossip about you, and isolate you.
00:26:08.559 --> 00:26:11.359
I saw how nasty family could be.
00:26:12.559 --> 00:26:22.240
I saw how quickly the focus moved away from the person who had done harm and on to the person brave enough to say it.
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:25.839
That did something to me.
00:26:26.799 --> 00:26:29.680
It taught me silence was safer.
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:42.079
It taught me that speaking up could cost you your place, your reputation, your relationships, your standing in the family.
00:26:43.599 --> 00:26:46.319
And I need to say something else here too.
00:26:48.160 --> 00:26:50.240
Karen was brave.
00:26:52.720 --> 00:26:56.079
Braver than the family gave her credit for.
00:26:57.839 --> 00:27:03.200
Braver than she ever should have needed to be at sixteen.
00:27:05.039 --> 00:27:11.119
And I've had to live with the fact that I did not speak up then.
00:27:12.400 --> 00:27:14.000
I was afraid.
00:27:15.279 --> 00:27:21.200
I saw what happened to her, and out of fear, I stayed silent.
00:27:23.279 --> 00:27:26.400
That silence protected me in some ways.
00:27:27.759 --> 00:27:32.000
But it also left Karen carrying the burden.
00:27:32.720 --> 00:27:35.599
She should not have had to carry alone.
00:27:39.200 --> 00:27:41.680
That is painful to admit.
00:27:43.279 --> 00:27:44.880
But it's true.
00:27:46.880 --> 00:27:49.359
And I think that matters too.
00:27:50.319 --> 00:27:55.599
Because silence inside a family system is not always indifference.
00:27:56.960 --> 00:28:04.240
Sometimes silence is the result of watching the first truth teller be sacrificed.
00:28:14.240 --> 00:28:21.039
There are other dynamics that can keep survivors emotionally tethered to harmful systems.
00:28:21.839 --> 00:28:26.400
And this is one of those places where language can be helpful.
00:28:27.759 --> 00:28:39.920
People sometimes use the term Stockholm syndrome to describe a situation where someone forms an attachment to a person who is harming or controlling them.
00:28:41.039 --> 00:28:53.440
In family abuse dynamics, a more useful term is often trauma bonding, though the language can vary depending on the situation and the clinician.
00:28:55.200 --> 00:28:59.200
What matters most is understanding the pattern.
00:28:59.519 --> 00:29:17.119
When the person who causes fear is also tangled up with safety, approval, belonging, identity, or access to family life, the nervous system can form deeply confusing attachments.
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:20.720
The mind learns something like this.
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:40.079
This person scares me, this person hurts me, this person affects my safety, and somehow, my ability to stay connected, accepted, or stable is also wrapped around them.
00:29:42.319 --> 00:29:45.680
That creates a terrible kind of confusion.
00:29:47.200 --> 00:29:53.759
If the person is occasionally kind, that kindness lands with enormous power.
00:29:54.480 --> 00:29:59.519
If they act normal, that normalcy becomes disorienting.
00:30:00.960 --> 00:30:08.079
If the system continues to welcome them, the survivor begins to doubt herself all over again.
00:30:09.599 --> 00:30:22.160
You can end up feeling fear and loyalty at the same time, anger and grief at the same time, disgust and protectiveness at the same time.
00:30:23.599 --> 00:30:30.240
A desire to escape and a desire not to lose everything connected to the situation.
00:30:31.599 --> 00:30:39.119
From the outside, people may look at a survivor and think, Why are you still connected?
00:30:39.519 --> 00:30:41.839
Why are you still showing up?
00:30:42.400 --> 00:30:44.799
Why didn't you cut them all off?
00:30:46.640 --> 00:30:49.200
But trauma is not tidy.
00:30:49.920 --> 00:30:53.440
Trauma does not always move in straight lines.
00:30:54.720 --> 00:31:13.119
And when abuse is bound up with family belonging, holidays, children, siblings, parents, grandparents, traditions, and decades of relationship, detaching is not just emotional.
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:16.960
It can feel existential.
00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:23.920
For some survivors, the system becomes the only map they have ever known.
00:31:24.480 --> 00:31:33.039
Even when it is unsafe, even when it is unjust, even when it keeps requiring their silence.
00:31:34.000 --> 00:31:37.119
That does not mean the survivor is weak.
00:31:37.519 --> 00:31:42.160
It means trauma has roots, deep ones.
00:31:50.240 --> 00:32:02.880
Another reason survivors don't always walk away or tell the truth is because the brain is remarkably skilled at helping people function around unbearable realities.
00:32:03.279 --> 00:32:07.359
For me, dissociation was part of survival.
00:32:08.079 --> 00:32:12.640
And dissociation does not always look dramatic from the outside.
00:32:13.119 --> 00:32:27.359
Sometimes it looks like functioning, sometimes it looks like competence, productivity, reliability, calmness, keeping things moving, showing up.
00:32:28.000 --> 00:32:39.920
Sometimes it looks like a person who has figured out how to live two lives, the external life that everyone can see, and the internal life that is sealed off in pieces.
00:32:41.440 --> 00:32:45.440
Compartmentalization can be incredibly effective.
00:32:45.839 --> 00:32:51.440
You can put things in boxes, you shut the lids, you continue.
00:32:52.000 --> 00:33:02.079
You go to work, you care for people, you show up for milestones, you maintain relationships, you keep the train on the tracks.
00:33:03.440 --> 00:33:08.480
And because you can still function, people assume you must be fine.
00:33:09.039 --> 00:33:12.000
Sometimes you assume that too.
00:33:12.559 --> 00:33:20.160
Sometimes the survival strategy becomes so familiar that you stop recognizing it as a trauma response.
00:33:20.559 --> 00:33:24.319
And it just becomes the way you move through the world.
00:33:24.880 --> 00:33:28.640
And then one day you realize something painful.
00:33:29.279 --> 00:33:30.960
You're not healed.
00:33:31.279 --> 00:33:32.880
You are organized.
00:33:33.680 --> 00:33:35.119
You're not free.
00:33:35.599 --> 00:33:36.880
You are coping.
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:39.680
You're not at peace.
00:33:40.240 --> 00:33:43.519
You're holding everything very, very still.
00:33:44.720 --> 00:33:54.240
That is the part of why survivors may remain in systems or stay connected to people long after others think they should have left.
00:33:54.640 --> 00:34:02.640
The nervous system has learned how to survive proximity, contradiction, denial, and pain.
00:34:03.359 --> 00:34:07.759
Not because it is healthy, because it is adaptive.
00:34:15.039 --> 00:34:22.000
There is no single look, personality, or path that defines a survivor.
00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:27.360
But there are patterns many survivors recognize later in life.
00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:35.519
And sometimes what we thought were personality traits were actually survival adaptations.
00:34:36.800 --> 00:35:56.880
Things like feeling responsible for other people's emotions, watching the room constantly, trying to prevent conflict before it starts, apologizing quickly, minimizing your own hurt, people pleasing, perfectionism, hyper-independence, difficulty trusting your instincts, emotional numbness, feeling disconnected from your body, struggling to identify what you need, keeping parts of your life tightly compartmentalized, being very capable while feeling deeply unsafe underneath it all, loyalty to people who have not earned it, a tendency to stay too long in harmful situations because leaving feels more dangerous than enduring, difficulty believing your own experience if others deny it, feeling guilty for telling the truth, feeling guilty for even having needs, feeling like your role is to absorb pain so others can remain comfortable.
00:35:58.079 --> 00:36:07.280
And one of the biggest signs can be this a deep, almost reflexive need to keep the peace.
00:36:08.159 --> 00:36:16.000
Not because peace is truly present, but because conflict feels catastrophic.
00:36:17.280 --> 00:36:35.760
Some survivors become overexplainers, some become very private, some become highly attuned caretakers, some become driven achievers, some disconnect emotionally and seem unfazed.
00:36:36.639 --> 00:36:39.119
Some struggle in relationships.
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:42.960
Some become the strong one.
00:36:44.239 --> 00:36:47.840
Some lose themselves in service to others.
00:36:48.400 --> 00:36:52.000
Some alternate between numbness and overwhelm.
00:36:53.519 --> 00:36:57.840
None of those things automatically means someone is a survivor.
00:36:58.480 --> 00:37:06.480
But many survivors hear those descriptions and think, yes, that feels familiar.
00:37:08.320 --> 00:37:11.360
And I think it matters to say this clearly.
00:37:12.480 --> 00:37:16.320
These patterns are not moral failings.
00:37:16.960 --> 00:37:19.360
They are not signs of weakness.
00:37:19.760 --> 00:37:23.920
They are not evidence that something is wrong with your character.
00:37:24.320 --> 00:37:26.000
They are adaptations.
00:37:27.039 --> 00:37:38.159
They are what the mind and body learned to do to survive environments that were unsafe, inconsistent, invalidating, or harmful.
00:37:38.639 --> 00:37:44.880
And many survivors do not recognize those adaptations until much later.
00:37:45.440 --> 00:37:51.599
Because when something kept you alive, it can feel normal for a very long time.
00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:08.480
There is another layer of pain that comes with disclosure, and it is one people do not always talk about enough.
00:38:10.079 --> 00:38:17.840
Sometimes the original harm is one wound, and the reaction to the truth is another.
00:38:40.239 --> 00:38:52.239
But at the trial, when they walked in and sat behind him, I realized something devastating.
00:38:54.400 --> 00:38:57.840
Those connections had not been what I thought they were.
00:38:59.360 --> 00:39:04.639
They had been keeping tabs on me, on me and my sisters.
00:39:06.159 --> 00:39:09.760
That realization hurt in a way I can still feel.
00:39:11.280 --> 00:39:15.840
Because betrayal after betrayal has its own weight.
00:39:17.440 --> 00:39:39.840
Not only were you harmed, not only were you disbelieved or rejected, but even gestures that appeared relational turn out to be surveillance, information gathering, or allegiance to the person who caused the damage.
00:39:41.840 --> 00:39:44.320
That does something to trust.
00:39:46.239 --> 00:39:56.079
It does something to your sense of reality, to your grief, to your understanding of what family means.
00:39:58.320 --> 00:40:00.719
And then there was my grandmother.
00:40:02.159 --> 00:40:05.920
She suffered a stroke the day she received a subpoena.
00:40:08.239 --> 00:40:12.800
After that, one of my aunts told me I was no longer allowed to see her.
00:40:14.400 --> 00:40:16.639
That loss cut deeply.
00:40:17.760 --> 00:40:20.159
Because I love my grandmother.
00:40:20.639 --> 00:40:22.480
I helped care for her.
00:40:23.199 --> 00:40:25.039
I had shown up for her.
00:40:26.480 --> 00:40:34.559
In many ways, I had been more present in her life than two of her own daughters.
00:40:35.920 --> 00:40:39.360
And still, I lost access to her.
00:40:41.119 --> 00:40:48.000
This is part of the cost people do not see when they ask survivors why they didn't speak sooner.
00:40:49.199 --> 00:40:56.719
Sometimes survivors know that telling the truth may cost them not only comfort, but contact.
00:40:57.599 --> 00:41:00.800
Not only illusion, but intimacy.
00:41:02.000 --> 00:41:06.480
Not only denial, but entire branches of the family.
00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:10.719
That knowledge can keep a person quiet for years.
00:41:19.039 --> 00:41:29.840
People often imagine walking away as a clean act, a strong act, a decisive act, a simple act.
00:41:30.639 --> 00:41:36.000
But walking away is rarely simple when your roots are tangled in the soil.
00:41:37.280 --> 00:41:39.280
What are you walking away from?
00:41:40.239 --> 00:41:41.519
A single person?
00:41:42.239 --> 00:42:01.519
Or your mother, your siblings, your nieces and nephews, your grandmother, your traditions, your holidays, your memories, your identity, your role in the family, your access to the people you love.
00:42:04.079 --> 00:42:08.880
Sometimes walking away means not only escaping harm.
00:42:10.239 --> 00:42:13.039
It means grieving an entire life.
00:42:14.320 --> 00:42:31.039
It means grieving people who are still alive, grieving relationships that may never recover, grieving the family you hoped they would be, grieving the version of belonging you kept trying to preserve.
00:42:31.920 --> 00:42:38.559
And even after telling the truth, many survivors still feel the pull.
00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:42.000
Not because they want harm.
00:42:42.719 --> 00:42:45.039
Because attachment is powerful.
00:42:45.840 --> 00:42:48.480
Because family history is powerful.
00:42:49.679 --> 00:42:53.760
Because love does not evaporate just because people fail you.
00:42:55.440 --> 00:42:58.320
That is one of the cruelest parts of it.
00:42:59.440 --> 00:43:03.119
You can love people who did not love you well.
00:43:04.000 --> 00:43:07.760
You can miss people who chose the wrong side.
00:43:08.320 --> 00:43:12.880
You can long for connection with people who became unsafe.
00:43:13.679 --> 00:43:19.360
You can still ache for family even after family becomes part of the wound.
00:43:20.159 --> 00:43:24.159
That is not weakness, that is grief.
00:43:32.880 --> 00:43:38.559
Looking back now, I can see that I was not simply keeping peace.
00:43:39.119 --> 00:43:40.880
I was carrying a system.
00:43:41.920 --> 00:43:54.960
I was trying to preserve relationships, protect my place in the family, avoid becoming the next target, and holding on to the people I loved.
00:43:56.320 --> 00:43:59.599
I was also carrying what I had learned from watching Karen.
00:44:01.440 --> 00:44:03.920
Watching truth get punished.
00:44:05.039 --> 00:44:09.519
Watching the family rally around comfort instead of courage.
00:44:11.360 --> 00:44:14.320
I thought silence was protecting everything important.
00:44:16.159 --> 00:44:25.119
But I understand now that the system I was protecting was never designed to protect me.
00:44:26.719 --> 00:44:29.119
That is a hard realization.
00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:39.840
Because it means you spend years sacrificing yourself for something that would not do the same for you.
00:44:42.400 --> 00:44:47.039
It means the peace you were preserving was not true peace at all.
00:44:47.840 --> 00:44:51.519
It was silence purchased with your pain.
00:44:54.000 --> 00:45:04.559
And yet I also want to hold compassion for the version of me who stayed silent because she was doing what she knew how to do.
00:45:05.679 --> 00:45:17.679
She was trying to survive, trying to belong, trying to love and be loved, trying not to lose everything.
00:45:19.440 --> 00:45:23.599
That version of me deserves tenderness, not judgment.
00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:27.920
And I think many survivors need to hear that too.
00:45:29.039 --> 00:45:32.880
The fact that you stayed does not mean you agreed.
00:45:33.360 --> 00:45:37.760
The fact that you were silent does not mean that it was harmless.
00:45:38.639 --> 00:45:44.719
The fact that you loved your family does not mean what happened was acceptable.
00:45:45.599 --> 00:45:50.800
The fact that leaving felt impossible does not mean you were weak.
00:45:52.480 --> 00:46:00.000
It means you were inside something complex and painful and powerful.
00:46:02.079 --> 00:46:06.000
It means survival had many layers.
00:46:13.519 --> 00:46:24.480
When people ask survivors why they kept the peace, I think what they are often really asking is why truth took so long.
00:46:25.679 --> 00:46:27.360
And the answer is this.
00:48:07.199 --> 00:48:13.280
And I think survivors deserve the dignity of telling the truth in its full complexity.
00:48:14.079 --> 00:48:42.880
Not the cleaned up version, not the brave and simple version, the real version, the version where love and fear can coexist, where silence is survival, where loyalty becomes self-betrayal, where truth arrives late not because it was absent, but because the cost of speaking it was enormous.
00:48:44.960 --> 00:49:00.719
If you are someone who has ever stayed too long, kept the peace, minimized your pain, doubted your own instincts, or judged yourself for not leaving sooner, I hope you hear this.
00:49:02.079 --> 00:49:08.000
Your survival strategies made sense in the context in which they were formed.
00:49:08.719 --> 00:49:16.320
They may not be what you want to carry forever, but they did not come from weakness.
00:49:17.280 --> 00:49:24.559
They came from adaptation, and there is a difference, a profound one.
00:49:26.960 --> 00:49:34.480
For years the silence held, or maybe more truthfully, I held it.
00:49:35.039 --> 00:49:40.880
I carried it, protected it, organized my life around it.
00:49:41.760 --> 00:49:48.559
But eventually, what has been buried does not stay buried in the same way forever.
00:49:49.440 --> 00:49:51.280
The body remembers.
00:49:52.000 --> 00:49:54.559
Relationships feel the impact.
00:49:55.119 --> 00:49:57.599
Patterns begin to surface.
00:49:58.639 --> 00:50:04.800
And slowly the question shifts from how do I keep this hidden?
00:50:05.360 --> 00:50:07.760
To what has this cost me?
00:50:08.559 --> 00:50:10.800
That is where we're going next.
00:50:11.360 --> 00:50:13.119
Thank you for being here.
00:50:18.480 --> 00:50:23.440
This podcast exists to break silence and build connection.
00:50:23.840 --> 00:50:33.360
If you're a survivor, a mental health professional, or someone who feels called to share their experience, I invite you to reach out.
00:50:33.679 --> 00:50:45.760
You can contact me at info at dissociatedpod.com if you're interested in being part of a future episode or contributing to this conversation.
00:50:46.159 --> 00:50:50.880
Your voice matters, and you don't have to carry your story alone.
00:51:07.199 --> 00:51:09.599
I'm your host, Cheryl Brown.
00:51:10.000 --> 00:51:13.599
Healing is a journey, not a finish line.
00:51:13.920 --> 00:51:18.800
And joy can meet us in the smallest moments along the way.
00:51:19.280 --> 00:51:21.039
I'm glad you were here.
