How Understanding Yourself Strengthens Your Parenting and Partnership

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Hello and welcome.
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This is Couples Counseling for Parents, a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken.
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Here are our parents our dad Dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom Erin Mitchell.
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Hello and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents.
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I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell, I'm Erin Mitchell and on today's show we wanted to address how can you become the parent and partner that you want to be the best version of yourself in this stage of your life, as a parent and a partner.
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Yes, I think it's also true in any stage of life.
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Right Sure?
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Yes, yes, but I do think parents, who are also partners it's a lot to say feel like they have lost access to themselves and who they are, who they used to be, and it feels like they're relating to a whole new person and their partner and they're trying to fill this whole new role that they've never really had before, which is parent, and it can feel very like I'm losing in all areas as a partner and as a parent, in terms of being who I want to be.
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Sure, I think that another way of thinking about this I think it's a different experience, I think it's a similar one at the same time, though, is everything feels fuzzy or foggy, like yeah, I'm struggling to know who I am, who I want to be, who I was, who you know.
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Like I don't know who I am in this place, where it feels like it's changing every day, or you just got to put your head down and muscle through that type of idea which I don't think is entirely different, but I do think a little.
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But either way, I think the key here is the same in all of these different transitions and kind of no matter what experience you're having, how to become this person is drumroll.
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Here's the premise.
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The premise is you have to know yourself, and this means you have to know how your experience of relationships, specifically your caregiving relationships, have shaped your thoughts, emotions and behaviors.
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You have to learn to move from a place of reaction to a place of choosing, with intention, the kind of relationships you want to have with your kids and partner.
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That is the premise kids and partner.
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That is the premise, yes, and I think why the parenting changes that context so much is.
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I think a lot of us feel like we had a pretty good grasp on this.
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And then new context.
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We're struggling, and very understandably.
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You've never done this before.
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So, why would you know how to do this?
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And new places get reactivated.
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Places you thought you'd healed get reopened.
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Places you really did heal get reopened because they're experienced in a new way.
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So, it's time to do it again, or for the first time, and so I think that we're going to give a little case scenario here and then we'll unpack this idea of to be the partner and parent you want to be.
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You have to know yourself, and what does that look like?
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And then, practically, what does that look like in terms of how do you know yourself in the midst of chaos, yeah, yeah, the craziness of life.
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And so our couple today is Jude and Grant of life.
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And so our couple today is Jude and Grant and they're feeling miles apart.
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And if someone asked them, hey, how's parenting going?
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They would say it's brilliant, we love it, and it makes us feel exhausted and like we don't know which way is up.
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It feels like a marathon every day.
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If someone asked them how are the two of you doing in the midst of the marathon as a couple, jude would say I feel fine.
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I wish Grant would calm down and stop stressing about every little change that's taking place in the kids' lives and ours.
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He seems so high strung and it feels like he crushes the good vibes in the family.
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Grant would say Jude is wonderful but he leaves a lot of details out in our day-to-day lives.
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And he can do that because I am the one who picks up all the slack.
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I don't really feel like a team.
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I feel like Jude has the fun and I do all the work that the family needs to run.
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And if you ask Jude and Grant how close they feel as a couple, jude would say Grant is too stressed to be close.
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And Grant would say I guess fine, we don't really have much time together, but I guess that's part of this phase of life.
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It'd be nice to feel closer, and Jude and Grant are not unlike the thousands of couples we interact with on a weekly basis.
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Parenting has overtaken their lives and their relationship and there is a real feeling of being disconnected.
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And if you listen to Jude and Grant, they feel misunderstood by one another.
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Now, are the things that Jude and Grant said about each other true?
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Yeah, probably, but they are not the only things that are true.
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And yet it's so easy for couples to get caught up in only seeing the negative in their partner and the positive in what they are doing.
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I'm doing it right, my partner's doing it wrong.
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So many times couples feel disconnected in their parenting and their partnering and they feel that there's nothing they can do about it or they don't know where to even begin to do something about their disconnected feelings.
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What can a couple like Jude and Grant do to change how they see one another as parents and partners, to be the parents that they want to be and to be the partners that they want to be?
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I think this is excellent.
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I love the example.
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There were times I resonated with Jude, there were other times Grant and, if I'm being super honest, we see this couple a lot.
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Yeah, yeah, this couple reaches out.
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We've also been this couple.
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I see this couple in the mirror a lot.
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I see this couple in our virtual office a lot, but they wouldn't say any of those things initially.
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I think what they would say initially are the first sentences like who?
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Grant?
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Grant's for sure going to be like we're fine.
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Jude's going to be like well, no, I think Jude's going to be the one that's like we're fine.
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But really, if you ask him two more questions, grant's the problem.
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Sure.
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Grant's going to say the same.
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We're doing great.
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This is the season of life.
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Ask him two more questions.
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But really, jude's a problem and I think that, if we're honest, I think a lot of us feel that way and none of us want to.
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Right, I think the majority of couples really want to see their partners good and really want to, like you know, spotlight the yeah, you want things to be going well.
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You don't want to feel disconnected, you don't want to.
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I mean, if you think about it, you want to be able to go through the challenges of parenting and it feel good, not just overwhelming and challenging all the time.
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Yes, and then I think it is, though sometimes and then if you think about the context.
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So we were in a global pandemic just a few years ago and we like to think that we've all moved beyond that, but a lot of us have a long shadow from that, where the disconnection persists, the stress of that time persists, some of us had children during that time, where now the marker of what family life looks like is disconnected.
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It is just like every day is the only day.
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There is no future.
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So I just think it's confusing.
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There is no future.
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Right.
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So I just think it's confusing.
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Right, and I think that one of the things that can happen is so this disconnected feeling.
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Like you're saying, oftentimes when we feel disconnected as partners, we do then look at our partner and say, well, it's because of something that they are doing, and I think that maybe that could be one aspect of it.
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But I think oftentimes, when we feel disconnected in relationship, there's this aspect of we just are disconnected ourselves, like individually, we're stressed and in our stress, we are doing whatever we can do to cope and that impacts our parenting partner relationship.
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And thus there's this idea of the premise that we're talking about is what do you need to do to be a good parent and a good partner?
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First of all, you have to know yourself, and you have to know how you handle stress, what are the things that stress you out, how you relate to people and then how those things are impacting your interaction with your partner.
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So, because I think that that is a really key part to understanding disconnection, disconnection is not just because of your partner.
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There's ways that we disconnect individually within ourselves.
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Yes, I mean, that's just true.
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I mean, interpersonal neurobiology says yes to that.
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But I think that what we look for in that is different.
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So I'm just going to use you and me, because I think Grant and Jude would do this both ways.
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So I am the way I have historically gotten to know myself Like.
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If I even think about like us dating or before we had kids, it's you checking in how was your day?
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I am an external processor, so I need someone to ask me the slow pitch softball question, to know.
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I don't know if you are not asking me that and it literally doesn't occur to me to ask myself that's the area of growth.
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I am not saying that just because that is the explanation.
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That is an excuse.
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But, I have to do this more internal, like how am I doing, what is happening?
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Why am I feeling this way?
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Why am I so short-tempered with you, all those internal reflective questions, whereas you Need time away or just time to you naturally go in.
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Well, I think what's so interesting is so I am much more of an internal processor, and so the way I know how I feel or how I'm experiencing life, is that I have time to think about it and I take that time, whether it's alone time or whatever it might be, and when it comes to parenting life and having like there is no alone time necessarily.
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All that internal processing doesn't feel like it happens actually.
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It doesn't feel like it happens, but it certainly looks like it's happening Because, while you're right like going, just because you withdraw during a dinner and get lost in your thoughts doesn't mean you're actually having beautiful personal reflection time.
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Right.
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Just like just because you've asked me a couple questions, doesn't really feel like you've taken the time to try to get to know me in that day.
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But I think that this is the process, though right, you need some of that time and you have to figure out how to do it without it.
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Right, because that is a luxury, right Without that time away.
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Yes, that isn't afforded to you.
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Right.
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And you have to do the work to bring some of that out, and just like I have to do some of that work on my own and then bring that out.
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I'm not like well, he didn't ask because he doesn't want to know.
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Right.
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So I think that what we're talking about here is, ideally, parenting partners would be able to be processing this experience of parenting, as they'd be able to kind of zoom out, see this 30,000 foot view.
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They'd see how everything that they're experiencing is related and influences their past and their present and their future.
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All these like meld together to shape their life and their story and it would just all make sense.
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They'd really be able to see the forest for the trees and they'd be able to see the trees in the midst of the forest.
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It would be this really easy integrated experience.
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Well, that's not how it goes.
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Oftentimes we are so busy in the midst of chaos or stress that really what we're doing is we're just trying to get through the day and we're not really spending any time reflecting on our internal experience and then, after we are doing that, connecting with our partner to understand their experience and describe ours Right.
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That would be how it goes, in a way that where partners would feel connected.
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I like the positive and the negative here, so the positive would be you could be aware, thoughtful, present and engaged.
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You would not be flooded with negative emotions, debilitating beliefs, all of your anxieties and your behavior and interpersonal interactions that you don't like.
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I think that a lot of us relate more to the latter, though, than the former.
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Right, right, feeling the flooded by the debilitating beliefs, anxieties, yeah, yes, and oftentimes we look at our partner and say well, it's your fault.
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I feel that way, yes, which is exactly what you and Grant were doing.
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You know, we are too high strung, you're too kind of like, carefree and don't pay attention to the details You're not stressed, except really everybody's stressed.
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Right, I'll just handle that differently, right.
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And so, really, what Jude and Grant need to do is take a little moment to look at themselves and then connect with each other, because I think that one of the things that we have to recognize is that our experiences in life inform how we experience the present.
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Yes.
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So Jude and Grant-.
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Which is what shapes our future.
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Yes, so yes, yes, yes.
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So Jude and Grant have a whole lifetime of experience that informs how they come to these stressful context and how they choose to cope with it.
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You could simply say it seems like Grant and stressful context gets a little more rigid, jude and stressful context maybe gets a little more diffuse in terms of like Can you define that?
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I'm not sure.
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Yeah, it's the opposite of rigidity.
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So this works or that'll work, or we don't need to worry about that.
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All we need to do is just have fun in the moment, right now.
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This is the most important thing.
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And they both kind of go to these extremes.
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Both of these are not bad things.
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It's good to be organized and have order.
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It's good to be organized and have order.
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It's good to be flexible and be in the moment.
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But in stress, it seems that they are going to these extremes.
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And what they're not recognizing is there is a reason that this is happening and this reason is not associated with one another, like it's not Grant's fault and it's not Jude's fault.
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It is their experience that they're reacting to.
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Yes, the way that I would maybe say that my own way is it is because of the other person, but it's not rooted because of that person.
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I like that.
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That's a good clarification.
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So, like I used the example and it probably even as I said it, I was like, oh, that came out a little thornier than I meant for it to Like oh yeah, you just take your personal time in the middle of dinner.
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But so that story doesn't start with you For me.
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You're poking a place in me that says, like be here, be with me, choose us.
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Don't let your other stress win.
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Be with us, be with us.
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But the way that comes out is in the middle of dinner, when I'm like thanks for being present at dinner.
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Hey, steven, what's got your attention?
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Clearly not us.
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That's not helpful.
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That's not the way I mean to say that, but you didn't start that story for me.
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You're just poking that button and opposite.
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Right, right, Exactly, and I think that that's why you have to know yourself.
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You have to know how your previous experience shapes how you come to stressful things and then how you then how you try to cope with it, right?
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So, like that example that you just gave, so I hit a stressful moment and I a tendency to disengage, to sort of check out which taps into something feeling stressful for you.
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But you hit a stressful moment and you tend to-.
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For anybody not you tend to poke to pick.
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Seeing this, there's a physical component to how Steven is describing.
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Yeah, I'm poking my finger here.
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You tend to like-.
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Attack I think that's a fair word.
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Attack a little bit yeah, I don't like it here.
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You tend to like attack a little bit yeah, I don't like it, but I can acknowledge that's true and we do have to realize that we are activating those places, but we do have to understand the root Right Because ultimately, what I'm saying is Stephen, I know you're stressed, but we're still a priority right.
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Right.
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And that is very different from me saying thanks for checking out and leaving.
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Hey, I got dinner, don't worry, I'll maintain everybody's entertainment while we all sit and eat and watch.
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You totally disengage and stare at a wall, right, right, and so I think one of the things that we have to think about is that you, as a parent, right now in your life, if you want to understand how you're experiencing parenting, if you want to understand, like the things you're doing in parenting, why they, why some things are working, why some things aren't, is you also have to recognize that the way you were parented is impacting right now, your present moment, in terms of how you are parenting, and that is that part of knowing yourself, that is that part of knowing your story.
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So, if you are finding places of struggle or difficulty in your parenting, look at how you were parented and try and know like, okay, is this because I'm reacting to something or is this because I'm mirroring something that I saw in my own parenting experience?
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And rather than the reason that's important is so that you can then choose to do what you want to do rather than be reactive.
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Right, because, not knowing that story, all we're left with is a reaction to it.
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All we know is we don't like it.
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We don't really know why.
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I mean you want to here's the shortcut right, like if you're having a stuck conversation or these topics I mean, this is what our entire book is about.
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Right, like?
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These topics that you can't quite get over are because something very important is being missed that you're unwilling to let go.
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That you're unwilling to let go.
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I'm not going to be okay in our relationship when I'm having these conflicts, these little micro moments that make me feel like I'm not a priority to Steven and never will be.
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I'm not going to be okay with that.
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I'm just not.
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We know that, though, and we know exactly where that comes from, and that helps us get through those moments like, hey, I'm not feeling like a priority.
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That's the kind way, and not the passive, aggressive way, of being very direct.
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Well, even so, like for me, like Grant, you know, I grew up in a very rigid environment.
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I heard a lot of the first response to any question I had, or any interest that I expressed, was just no.
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It was just flat out no.
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And that's just because my caregiving experience, my parents were just really rigid and there's a way that things are supposed to go.
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There's a very small window of tolerance for much of anything else, and so I think that for me, as a parent, one of the things that I recognize that I struggle with is my kids will ask me a question, my kids will say that they want something, and my first response is no.
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Now, as a human being, I don't really want to be a rigid person, I don't really want to be a no kind of guy, but it is like it is something that I do in a really reactive way.
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Now I think it's worth stating, not all the time.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you're saying in like the default stressful moments.
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But I think a lot of us are like but I don't do that Most of the time I do the thing.
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I need to do Right right.
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So I do think in the default stressful moments that's a good caveat.
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The way we say it sometimes is like we have switched to default settings which is not where we want to be.
00:19:41.971 --> 00:19:42.211
Right.
00:19:42.211 --> 00:19:44.996
But one of the things that I've noticed obviously you know you're a parent.
00:19:44.996 --> 00:19:48.212
You probably know that when you just say no, that's your first answer.
00:19:48.212 --> 00:19:52.626
That oftentimes creates some challenging interactions with your kids.
00:19:52.707 --> 00:19:53.028
And so.
00:19:53.589 --> 00:19:54.531
I'm sitting here and partner.
00:19:55.359 --> 00:20:01.005
Right, I'm sitting here having these challenging interactions with our kids and with Aaron, because she's like why do you just say no all the time?
00:20:01.005 --> 00:20:10.393
And and if I don't recognize, know myself enough to know you know what, like I do, I am responding that way?
00:20:10.393 --> 00:20:11.560
How come?
00:20:11.560 --> 00:20:12.242
And I go.
00:20:12.242 --> 00:20:16.433
Oh well, I had an experience that mirrored that for me.
00:20:16.433 --> 00:20:21.125
I'm just mirroring what I saw, I'm just reacting.
00:20:21.125 --> 00:20:24.310
I'm not really choosing how I want to interact.
00:20:25.012 --> 00:20:35.520
If I don't know that, I'm just going to keep doing the same thing over and over again and what I'm going to do is say well, aaron, you need to be different, or kids, you need to be different, you just need to adjust.
00:20:35.520 --> 00:20:42.692
And I'm going to make it about it's the kid's fault or it's Aaron's fault, as opposed to recognizing wait a second.
00:20:42.692 --> 00:20:50.142
I have to know myself here.
00:20:50.142 --> 00:20:55.820
I have to know how my story is impacting what's happening in this present moment, and then I can say wait a second, I want this to be different and I can make a different choice.
00:20:55.820 --> 00:21:01.711
But I can't do that if I don't understand myself.
00:21:02.011 --> 00:21:06.079
Yes, there is no shortcut to that, because we all try to change our behavior.
00:21:06.079 --> 00:21:16.349
No doubt you've tried to change some behavior in your past, or even maybe this morning, but we can't we cannot just change behaviors if we don't understand the thread that got us there.
00:21:16.349 --> 00:21:25.846
That's, that is where we find choice right right and so I was thinking, while you were saying, that's a whole podcast in and of itself, the rigid to the diffuse.
00:21:26.046 --> 00:21:26.746
Yeah, yeah.
00:21:26.766 --> 00:21:28.386
Because, man, they polarize each.
00:21:28.386 --> 00:21:30.909
How do you be the partner and parent you want to be?
00:21:44.700 --> 00:21:48.326
How do you create a level of connection with your kids and with your partner?
00:21:48.326 --> 00:21:50.671
That is what you want.
00:21:50.671 --> 00:21:53.967
And yourself right and yourself and we say well, you got to know yourself.
00:21:53.967 --> 00:22:05.471
And a lot of parents are like when is that going to happen, like there's no way that that is even there's time in the universe for that to take place, and so We've got good news for you.
00:22:05.813 --> 00:22:06.394
We agree.
00:22:06.394 --> 00:22:16.318
We agree, but we do think that this is so important that we have tried to break it down into a menu of four things that you can do.
00:22:16.599 --> 00:22:20.069
I'm not sure we've ever talked about this on the podcast, but I need small menus.
00:22:20.371 --> 00:22:20.570
Right.
00:22:20.819 --> 00:22:23.450
Like, hey, just figure this out, that's too overwhelming.
00:22:23.450 --> 00:22:30.208
The answer is no you've lost me and now I will spend the rest of the day feeling completely overwhelmed and debilitated, that I can't figure it out, and I don't know what that means.
00:22:30.208 --> 00:22:38.086
Or you go to a restaurant with like 50 options and it's just like my goodness, just give me your top two, or there's a small novel.
00:22:38.125 --> 00:22:48.832
Yes, this is a menu of four to try to give you some small actionable things you can do, and I'm just going to list them and then we can be a little more detailed about them.
00:22:48.832 --> 00:22:57.384
The first thing that you can do is read a book that is related to helping you know and understand yourself.
00:22:57.384 --> 00:23:01.391
The second thing you can do is get some professional help.
00:23:01.391 --> 00:23:18.784
The third thing you can do is spend your energy being curious rather than defensive, critical, angry and disengaged, and this is related to the books, the professional help Like spend your energy.
00:23:20.407 --> 00:23:20.868
Menu four.
00:23:21.451 --> 00:23:22.011
Yep, sorry.
00:23:22.011 --> 00:23:24.028
So that's the third.
00:23:24.028 --> 00:23:34.240
And then the fourth is find a community of people you respect, who can help you and support you in this place of knowing and understanding yourself.
00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:37.009
So let's explain these a little bit more.
00:23:37.009 --> 00:23:40.482
So, reading a book, you're like, well, I don't have any time to read a book.
00:23:40.482 --> 00:23:48.539
Well, there's audio books, there's books you read with your eyes, books you read with your ears, and so it's not just read any book.
00:23:48.539 --> 00:23:49.603
We're going to give you two books.
00:23:49.603 --> 00:23:53.192
First of all, a little bit of shameless self-promotion.
00:23:53.192 --> 00:24:04.270
Our book Too Tired to Fight will help you know and understand how your story is impacting your present moment and impacting your partner relationship.
00:24:04.440 --> 00:24:04.824
Absolutely.
00:24:04.824 --> 00:24:06.839
We wouldn't have written it if we didn't believe that to be true.
00:24:07.080 --> 00:24:19.538
There's another book by Dan Siegel called Parenting from the Inside Out Excellent book, one of the best books in terms of really giving you some practical reflection question.
00:24:19.538 --> 00:24:28.028
Every chapter has a series of reflection questions that really help you get into understanding and thinking about your story.
00:24:28.028 --> 00:24:31.134
The second is get some professional help.
00:24:31.134 --> 00:24:33.564
Yes, meet with someone.
00:24:33.564 --> 00:24:35.688
Again, this is what we do.
00:24:35.688 --> 00:24:44.614
We meet with couples all the time to specifically help them know themselves and how that's impacting their parenting and their partnering.
00:24:45.119 --> 00:24:46.162
We also meet with individuals.
00:24:46.162 --> 00:24:50.271
I think that sometimes both roads go to a good place.
00:24:50.271 --> 00:24:54.270
Right Starting individual moving towards couple, starting with couple moving towards individual.
00:24:54.270 --> 00:24:55.443
It doesn't really matter.
00:24:55.584 --> 00:24:55.825
True.
00:24:56.468 --> 00:24:59.500
They're helpful True true, and in terms of time, if you're thinking about it, meeting with a professional.
00:24:59.500 --> 00:25:11.407
In terms of time, if you're thinking about it meeting with a professional an hour Reading a book, you could commit an hour a week to listening to a book or reading a book and then spend your energy being curious.
00:25:11.407 --> 00:25:14.289
And I think that this is like a day-to-day thing you can do.
00:25:14.289 --> 00:25:19.093
But also if you're reading a book or you're getting professional help, you're spending energy being curious.
00:25:19.093 --> 00:25:38.500
But I think, in your interactions on a daily basis, if you can have the mindset of how can I be curious rather than how can I be defensive or critical or angry or disengaged- I think right now, even in this moment, think about which of those words you tend to do.
00:25:38.580 --> 00:25:42.319
most often Do you find yourself being critical, angry, disengaged or defensive?
00:25:42.661 --> 00:25:43.483
I go critical.
00:25:43.483 --> 00:25:46.413
I think rather than curious.
00:25:46.413 --> 00:25:49.875
That's my tendency to be critical rather than curious, so I have to.
00:25:49.875 --> 00:25:56.298
If I hear myself being critical, I have to be like Whoa, wait a second, what's going on here?
00:25:56.721 --> 00:26:03.541
I think that that is one of the cues that we give to most of the clients we work with, certainly ourselves, definitely our kids.
00:26:03.541 --> 00:26:09.224
You don't have to stop the thing, but when you notice it happened, what does that mean?
00:26:09.224 --> 00:26:10.196
That means something.
00:26:10.196 --> 00:26:11.579
Behavior is communication.
00:26:11.579 --> 00:26:13.464
What is going on underneath that?
00:26:13.765 --> 00:26:14.006
Yeah.
00:26:14.467 --> 00:26:17.701
Notice pay attention, spend a second to be like whoa Right.
00:26:17.701 --> 00:26:20.017
Even in this podcast, when I said that came out thorny.
00:26:20.357 --> 00:26:20.557
Right.
00:26:20.898 --> 00:26:23.875
That actually happened yesterday and maybe I haven't mentioned that to you yet?
00:26:23.976 --> 00:26:29.208
Yes, oh, I knew you were referring to yesterday and you were right, I was disengaged.
00:26:29.615 --> 00:26:31.159
Yes, correct, I'm not.
00:26:31.159 --> 00:26:37.992
Yes, my point is notice the self-talk about the thing matters.
00:26:37.992 --> 00:26:39.696
Get curious in those moments.
00:26:40.157 --> 00:27:02.066
And then the final thing is find a community of people you respect, not a community that complains, criticizes, belittles and tears down, but one that builds up and that encourages you to respect one another and challenges you to see one another's experience, and I think that this is really important and, honestly, this is the type of community we have.
00:27:02.066 --> 00:27:05.464
Couples Counseling for Parents is a community that is not about belittling and ripping one another as partners.
00:27:05.464 --> 00:27:08.355
That is a community that is not about belittling and ripping one another as partners.
00:27:08.355 --> 00:27:19.403
That is a useless endeavor, and there's a million different places out there and social media where all it is is hey, how can I rip on my partner and say how bad they are?
00:27:19.544 --> 00:27:20.105
or myself.
00:27:21.617 --> 00:27:23.243
And that is not helpful.
00:27:23.243 --> 00:27:40.586
What you need is you need a community that says you wanting to have a good partner relationship and you wanting to be the type of parent you want to be is a good thing, and the only way we can get there is if we mutually support and encourage one another.
00:27:40.586 --> 00:27:54.377
Now, that doesn't mean we don't challenge one another, that doesn't mean that we don't say the hard thing, but there's a way to say the hard thing and there's a way to challenge one another without mocking, without sarcasm and without making people feel small.
00:27:54.377 --> 00:28:02.099
And I think you, you really need to connect to communities that have more of that collaborative, supportive.
00:28:02.099 --> 00:28:03.241
I respect you.
00:28:03.241 --> 00:28:05.686
I want you to respect me.
00:28:05.686 --> 00:28:10.636
How do we call each other, invite each other to the type of relationship that we really want?
00:28:10.636 --> 00:28:13.843
So was that a little soapbox?
00:28:14.163 --> 00:28:14.984
Super soapbox.
00:28:14.984 --> 00:28:20.103
Sorry, but I don't not in a bad way, I just think it's a real passion of yours, and so this is.
00:28:20.242 --> 00:28:21.747
this is the menu of four.
00:28:21.987 --> 00:28:22.067
And.
00:28:22.816 --> 00:28:26.564
I think a way to approach this is to say which one of I mean.
00:28:26.564 --> 00:28:28.127
I'm sure you already do some of these.
00:28:33.275 --> 00:28:49.768
I think one of the things that I personally have tried to make, a concerted effort for this past year, all of these things, I think I would say the one that I noticed the most is the time being curious, because I encourage a lot of my friends, my family, my clients to be a little bit more self-reflective, and when you know that's how, oh yes, in my free time.
00:28:49.855 --> 00:28:54.505
Sure, I'm going to sit down and journal yeah which, honestly, if you do that, fantastic.
00:28:54.734 --> 00:28:58.002
No, no criticism, but also that's a really tough order.
00:28:58.002 --> 00:29:01.945
But you do something every day that you could devote some energy to this.
00:29:01.945 --> 00:29:03.336
So I have been trying to slow down.
00:29:03.336 --> 00:29:08.621
I actually mocked Steven about it, about like you do everything so fast, like just slow down.
00:29:08.621 --> 00:29:12.183
But then I was like and by you I mean me too.
00:29:12.183 --> 00:29:34.491
And so while I'm chopping carrots, or while I'm washing my hands, or while we sit down and fold laundry, just check in and this is like a five, 10 minute thing, right else is my point or while you're in the car, while you know, do these things when you're already doing something that you could commit your mental energy to.
00:29:34.714 --> 00:29:35.256
Yeah, yeah.
00:29:35.256 --> 00:29:40.256
And so think about in your life, like maybe you already do some of these things on this menu.
00:29:40.256 --> 00:29:41.798
Great, keep doing them.
00:29:41.798 --> 00:29:45.467
Note how you do them, like celebrate, celebrate that.
00:29:45.467 --> 00:30:02.494
And then if there's one of these that you could add, one of these that could help you and your partner feel more intentional or kind of take you to the next level, try and do that and, and I think that uh, in a way that is manageable and sustainable right.
00:30:02.756 --> 00:30:04.318
Right, which is why you do one.
00:30:04.680 --> 00:30:24.395
But I think, more than anything, it's about intention, and I think that that is, if you want yes, life is busy as a parent, yes, there's limited time, but if you want to be the parent and partner that you desire to be, you have to be intentional about this stuff.
00:30:24.395 --> 00:30:31.818
That is the mindset shift, that spending time doing these things is actually going to benefit and encourage you.
00:30:31.818 --> 00:30:33.663
And so you might be hearing this.
00:30:33.663 --> 00:30:35.468
You might say, oh, this sounds good.
00:30:35.468 --> 00:30:38.622
Jude and Grant, they, they may be are hearing us.
00:30:38.622 --> 00:30:43.480
So what could you say to your partner to to try and get the ball rolling?
00:30:43.480 --> 00:30:46.307
And so let's say I'll be, I'll be Jude, okay.
00:30:46.406 --> 00:30:57.308
So let's say Jude comes to Grant and says something like hey, grant, I've been thinking for the most part, I think we're doing great as parents and as a couple and at the same time, I feel like we're feeling disconnected.
00:30:57.308 --> 00:31:02.664
I think we both have a part to play and why we're feeling this way and what we could do to feel more connected.
00:31:02.664 --> 00:31:07.746
Can we talk about one intentional thing we could do as a couple or individuals, even to reconnect talk?
00:31:07.806 --> 00:31:10.954
about one intentional thing we could do as a couple or individuals, even to reconnect.
00:31:10.954 --> 00:31:14.576
So that's one approach.
00:31:14.576 --> 00:31:18.912
Or maybe Grant comes to Jude and says you know, I think that in the midst of our stress and parenting we can feel disconnected and misunderstood by one another.
00:31:18.912 --> 00:31:21.564
I don't want this to be the way that things are.
00:31:21.564 --> 00:31:25.539
Would you be open to purposefully working on our connection?
00:31:25.539 --> 00:31:31.781
I heard this podcast recently and they mentioned a menu of four things that couples can do to stay connected.
00:31:31.781 --> 00:31:38.203
Could we go over this menu and see what we're already doing and then maybe give some thought to adding one of them?
00:31:38.203 --> 00:31:45.343
Just a simple bid, for hey, can we be intentional?
00:31:45.343 --> 00:31:57.210
And if you notice in what Jude and Grant said, they said we both have a part to play in how this can feel disconnected and how we can get connected.
00:31:57.210 --> 00:31:59.260
Can we do this together?
00:32:00.023 --> 00:32:00.325
Correct.
00:32:00.325 --> 00:32:03.797
I like it, and so I think that it's an invitation, not an accusation.
00:32:04.136 --> 00:32:15.810
Yes, it's an invitation, not an accusation, and it is vital that you, as a partner and as a parent, give effort to knowing yourself, and these are some ways you can do it.
00:32:15.810 --> 00:32:18.661
So check out the menu of four and see what applies to you.
00:32:18.661 --> 00:32:27.520
Hey, everyone, we're Stephen and Erin Mitchell, co-founders of Couples Counseling for Parents and creators of the Relationship Reconnection Series inside of our Partnerhood membership.
00:32:27.701 --> 00:32:34.421
We created this series because, as parents, we know how hard it can be to keep the connection strong while juggling everything else.
00:32:34.421 --> 00:32:40.154
It's easy to get stuck in old patterns, especially when stress, in-laws or the mental load get in the way.
00:32:40.375 --> 00:32:43.325
This series isn't just about solving the fights you're having today.
00:32:43.325 --> 00:32:46.182
It's about digging deeper, starting with you.
00:32:46.182 --> 00:32:56.027
We start by helping you reflect on your own attachment style, family makeup and the stories in your life that have made you who you are and inform the kind of relationships you have.
00:32:56.027 --> 00:33:00.815
When you understand yourself better, you can show up more engaged in your couple relationship.
00:33:01.215 --> 00:33:04.865
And from there we guide you to explore your relationship story with your partner.
00:33:04.865 --> 00:33:06.208
This isn't about blame.
00:33:06.208 --> 00:33:14.817
It's about seeing what shaped your relationship dynamic and couple story so you can maintain what is working and start rewriting a new story in the areas that aren't.
00:33:14.817 --> 00:33:22.208
Once you've done that work, we dive into the real life challenges parenting, stress, dealing with in-laws and sharing the mental load at home.
00:33:22.568 --> 00:33:32.201
Each workshop in this series is designed to be a short, practical, step-by-step guide, giving you and your partner the insights and tools to reconnect in a meaningful way.
00:33:32.201 --> 00:33:38.042
Think of it as a reset button, not just to solve problems, but to build the kind of partnership you really want.
00:33:38.263 --> 00:33:45.636
Whether you're feeling distant, overwhelmed or just need a new way to communicate, this series is the first step in building the connection you deserve.
00:33:45.836 --> 00:33:49.682
If this sounds like something you need, we'd love to have you join us in partnerhood.
00:33:49.682 --> 00:33:54.957
Today's show was produced by Sarah Kuhn, stephen Mitchell and Aaron Mitchell.
00:33:54.957 --> 00:33:56.340
If you're enjoying the podcast.
00:33:56.340 --> 00:33:58.385
Please hit the follow button and leave us a rating.
00:33:58.385 --> 00:34:04.796
This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show.
00:34:04.796 --> 00:34:07.419
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