You Can Love Prodigals Deeply Without Enabling Destructive Choices (pt2)

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Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families.
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We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
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Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer.
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Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
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So how do siblings get affected when one child becomes a prodigal and what mistakes might well-intentioned parents make with the siblings?
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Yeah, I when you think about that, there it's the prodigal that you know during that season of rebellion or or just blowing it, uh, tends to take all the energy and all the attention, which could in turn put pressure on the sibling that they have to be the good one.
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I I cannot add more stress to this situation, so I better be the better, I better be the good kid, which is actually unrealistic and it's not fair for sure.
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So siblings do get affected, it affects the entire family, it could affect the marriage.
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There's so there's so much that that will start to unravel during these kinds of seasons for sure.
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Yeah, I think to add to that, even in the scriptures, we see the story of the prodigal son, the son that doesn't run away, he feels left out too, because like Ray said, all the attention is on the child that was the prodigal.
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And here you have the one kid that is doing everything to the book that they need to be doing, but deep down, they still feel left out.
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That that can go into something deeper too, though, because then that can that we see like that can almost cause like self-righteousness too, in a sense.
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But but also, yeah, I think it is healthy for parents also to to not neglect that child also, to still love them, to still know that that child is seen.
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But maybe they have a an issue over here that does need to be addressed also, and just make that known to the child, probably so they don't feel left out in that situation.
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Austin, that's good.
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Another thing that comes to mind is I think for for the sibling or siblings, I think it is real important for parents to do check-ins with those kids.
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That is a big part.
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Because there it does affect these kinds, these types of seasons will affect the family unit, different shapes and forms.
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But I think it's real important for a parent to make sure that they're they're they're doing some check-ins and checking on their on this other siblings and just asking honest questions like, How are you doing right now?
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How are you feeling right now?
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And again, just being very intentional, being proactive and paying attention to to that kiddo.
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And again, you don't you don't want anything to come between the the relationship with that other sibling.
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So it's it's best to do the work uh right now, even as during a tough and and trying season for sure.
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Yeah, that made me think.
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Do you think the siblings are grieving just as much as the parents are?
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And what outcomes do you think that that could have if that's true?
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Siblings are definitely grieving.
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If if anyone's ever experienced those very tense, maybe a shouting match moment.
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Oh, yeah, yeah.
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They it is definitely affecting the siblings in the home.
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And and again, depending on the age, d could determine how they're gonna process all of those things.
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And so they're definitely grieving and they don't even know that it's probably grieving that moment.
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And so again, uh good communication, check-ins, those kinds of things are are vital during those seasons for sure.
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Yeah, I think it definitely affects the siblings and just the whole household.
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And I was just thinking of that second part, like what mistakes might well-intentioned parents make with the siblings.
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I feel like I've seen where you have like the prodigal and then the other sibling or siblings, and they say to the prodigal, like, Oh, why aren't you more like your brother or sister?
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Like, look at how well they're doing.
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Why can't you just follow and be more like them?
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And I think that affects not only the prodigal, but also the other sibling because it puts a lot of pressure on that other sibling.
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And then for the prodigal, it's like, well, I'm never com gonna compete with that.
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Like, why would I come back?
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Like, why why wouldn't I just keep doing what I'm already doing?
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I think that's well intentioned, but I think it's important for parents to look at their kids and be like, okay, they're not all the same.
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Like, I just think of me and my sister, like we're very different people, and you have to examine each person for who they are because none of us are the same.
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So, how should our approach change depending on the child's age?
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What looks different when you're dealing with a rebellious 10-year-old versus a 16-year-old versus a college student, or even like a 35-year-old prodigal?
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Yeah, I I do believe that age does play plays a huge factor in all of this for sure.
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Uh, you think about a 10-year-old kiddo, parents still need to be have strong, they have strong responsibility for just a positive influence and structure, supervision.
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Think about a teenager, 16-year-old kiddo.
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That that's the stage of life we're I'm at right now, currently with my 16-year-old son.
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And you you trust that you have instilled all those things from an early childhood up to this point, and you actually start to give a little more autonomy, give some more freedom, and let them kind of make some choices.
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But mom and dad are still around, but so we're not hovering, but but we're actually giving some space.
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And here's why I think that's really important so that the kid can actually have opportunities to mess up.
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And mom and dad can be a part of this structure and and raising this your your particular kiddo, our kiddo.
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College age, yeah, I think it's just more conversational.
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How you give, again, there's there's probably more distance at that particular age.
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And when you get to 35-year-old uh individual, yeah, prayer and boundaries, but not management.
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Kids get older, parents must shift from control to influence, honestly, at that particular stage.
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I'm probably gonna butcher this quote, but I heard someone once say, especially with the like older kids, you don't really have much control over them anymore.
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But you should always keep an open hand, but never let them go.
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Always, I think you mentioned earlier, keep praying for them, keep reaching out for them and letting them know that that you're there and that you will welcome them back.
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I think that's gonna be very powerful for the especially those older kids.
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Because I think the more we try and squeeze tight with our hand, I think that will just push them away more.
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Yeah, I think of like a 10 and a 16-year-old, or really just like any age that's in the home.
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I think there's gonna be a lot more redirection when someone messes up, and then like when you get to college age or adult age, I do think parents have to let go of that control because when they're still holding on to that control, kids are just won't gonna want to go against what their parents say.
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I feel like I saw that so much in college, like with stri really, really strict parents.
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Kids just wanted to like leave from that and kind of go crazy.
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So I think it has to be like a good balance when you're in the home of like, I liked what Ray said, letting your kids mess up when they're in the home so that you can redirect them and show them how to go about things so that when they get out on their own, they can kind of handle those things on their own, but also knowing that you are in their corner still supporting them.
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Yeah, I like that because if you let them mess up when they're, you know, 15, 16 year olds and you don't shame them, then they'll know when they're in college than when they mess up, you're probably not going to shame them too.
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So they're probably gonna be more likely to come back and and try and reconcile with you.
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What do you think about that?
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Yeah, I I think how we how a parent is parenting in the home uh has everything to do on with as a kiddo gets older, college age, 35-year-old when they're married, those kinds of things.
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And I I think I the the ultimate, I believe this ultimate goal should be am I loving my child well right now for for different seasons of life that are to come in the future.
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You know, can you can imagine a college student who may be struggling and for the parent to be the first one that gets that phone call?
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Oh wow, it's like yes.
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Yes, yes.
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Okay, I'm not perfect, but yes.
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Meaning that you worked at that relationship, you worked on that relationship leading up to different seasons as as our kiddos get older for sure.
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So, how do parents balance giving unconditional love with healthy boundaries?
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Can you love your child deeply while still allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices?
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I think so for sure, because I think maybe a word we should bring up is discipline.
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Discipline isn't a bad thing at all.
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It's actually I think it's a loving thing because if maybe a parent sees a child acting out and wants to bring in those healthy boundaries, and those healthy boundaries are are disciplining the child.
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And we think of, oh, I'm gonna discipline my child like that can have a negative connotation to it.
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But really it's a healthy thing.
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The same way we would go work out, we're disciplining our bodies, we're training them.
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And in the same way, maybe for a parent raising a kid, you're setting those expectations.
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Um, I think it also shows the kid that that parent cares for them also because they're looking out for them.
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And I think some kids that just don't have healthy boundaries in their life tend to maybe act out more because they don't have those, the structure in their life that they're really craving.
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Yeah, I would un unconditional love would mean the relationship is not based on performance.
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Okay, that that's I think that's a good definition of unconditional love.
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But healthy boundaries means the parents are not going to participate in or fund destructive behavior, those kinds of things.
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So there has to be healthy boundaries in place, especially when when a prodigal and you're you're in that season of prodigal.
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So now it can't lie for you, those kinds of things.
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It can't remove every consequence for you.
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I've seen that through life as well and in different different families.
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So again, unconditional love means that the relationship's not based on performance and healthy boundaries is just that putting boundaries around particulars when it comes to those seasons.
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Yeah, I agree.
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I think it's a loving thing too.
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I'm just like, I don't think when a kid messes up that you should just be like, okay, it's okay, like next time do better.
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I actually don't really think that's very loving because it's not very teaching.
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And I think that's where the discipline comes in is like let the child experience the consequence, but then figure out how do we grow from here, how do we get better so that next time we can flee from that or fix the problem instead of just being like it's okay, like go ahead and I feel like that's just a free pass to say, like, oh, go ahead and go do it again.
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But then also with the parents, like being loving and graceful in that if your child is to go doing the same thing and mess up, still being loving and be like, okay, let's redirect again.
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I think you're absolutely right.
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I think the most unloving thing you can do is not discipline your kids and tell them that things that are not okay are okay.
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So yeah, having those healthy conversations and letting them know the cause and effect.
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And I do also think that defining what discipline is for our kids is very important.
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We were at a training yesterday and the speaker asked the kids what does discipline mean?
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And they all said punishment.
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And that's not necessarily what discipline is.
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Discipline is kind of like Osmo, you said it's teaching.
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It's basically giving giving them choices and teaching them what's gonna work, what's not gonna work.
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I think that's actually more helpful than just saying that's okay.
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So when should parents then step in and help?
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And when does helping become more like enabling?
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I think parents should step in when there is genuine danger.
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There's an urgent need.
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There this okay, my my my kiddo really needs some help right now.
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Who can I call?
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What help is available for my particular kiddo at this stage of life?
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And so that there there are going to be times that the a parent does need to reach out, a parent does need to step in.
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For sure.
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But but funding destructive behavior, you know, it it those kinds of things again goes back to the healthy, healthy boundaries.
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And when does helping become enabling again when when there's not healthy boundaries in place?
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I mean you're just constantly getting getting the kiddo freedom out of whatever consequence that may be at that particular moment.
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Yeah, that's that that's what comes to mind for me.
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So if communication has broken down or an adult child has cut off contact with the parents, what can the parents do to leave the door open for reconciliation without becoming desperate or manipulative?
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I think the answer is really in the question, honestly, just to have your your door open for the child.
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Don't always be lingering over the child who is running away, who's being that prodigal, but but just communicate like, hey, we are here for you, and the door is always open for you to come back home and not to keep nagging on them.
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Because I think some parents just want to keep nagging on their child, and and then it does become that desperation that and can turn into even manipulative, and then it's just not healthy, and then the parent is acting out of fear in that sense.
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But really just for the parent, have an open heart and don't force it.
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Just just let the words out there and then let the child think you really have to let the child make the decision for for themselves.
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I think this gives opportunities for the parents.
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Actually, we it it could be so easy to be so caught up in concern about the the the prodigal returning and neglecting doing the inner work in the meantime.
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You know what I mean?
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And so what that means is being honest with the parenting, parenting style, getting some help, parenting classes, meeting with counselors so that you're you're a better person at the end of that season.
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But sometimes that's probably what we neglect.
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We're so focused on return, return, come home.
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Leave the I want to make sure that I'm always available.
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But again, that takes some some inner work on the parent's part.
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Focus on your marriage, focus on those other siblings that are not there.
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I mean, that are there, that have been there during the that season.
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Yeah, leave the door open for sure, but don't chase them.
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Give you yeah, just trust it takes a lot of trust in these particular seasons for sure.
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Yeah, I think for a parent, you don't want to be too pushy, but you want to make it known to your child, like I am here for you whenever you're ready, but almost put it back on their terms.
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And I we keep going back obviously to the prodigal son's story, but like we talked about the dad, like what was he doing in the meantime?
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And it doesn't really give us all the details in scripture, but we can kind of just think about what he would be doing.
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And it's like he obviously they didn't have phones back then, but like he wasn't calling his son every day, he wasn't actually even actively out there searching for his son, but he was just waiting with open arms, and hopefully he was in lots of prayer during that time.
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And I imagine that takes a lot of faith and trust to do that in your prayer life and in trusting in God.
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So for parents listening today whose hearts are breaking, what gives you hope?
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Have you seen families reconcile after years of distance and rebellion?
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What tends to make reconciliation more likely?
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Yeah, for for any parent that's that's listening today and whose hearts are are are breaking.
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I I will I will say this there is always hope.
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Always, always hope.
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Ultimately, and for me, it's hope in the Lord.
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This is a season.
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God can be trusted in this season.
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What and what work do I need to do in the meantime during this season?
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So uh, but I do want to remind families, yeah, there there's real hope.
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And you cannot do this alone.
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Please, please reach out, seek out some help because God never intended us to live life alone, He He intended for us to live in community.
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So, what what opportunities are around you uh for help?
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Do I do believe there's there is real hope, and I've seen it time and time again.
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The scripture tells us that though the sorrow lasts for the night, joy comes in the morning.
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And I've I've witnessed that many, many times.
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No matter how dark, how heavy, how hopeless the season is, I've seen the other end of that, that that joy does come in the morning.
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And um and that's gonna look different for every every family, every parent.
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But but I hope you know that God sees you.
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You're not alone in this journey.
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God loves you, and God, God's got this season right now, if you can just trust that right now.
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I think what gives me hope is just knowing that I'm not in control and that God is ultimately the one who is control in control of my life, in control of other people's life, and that he has a plan through this all even when we can't necessarily see it right away.
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I think what tends to make reconciliation more likely is just honestly a lot of grace and a lot of love and just ultimately that trust.
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Because I think when we're holding on control, I'm guilty of this a lot of times.
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I like to I like to have control, but when we let go of our control, I think it really is an act of faith and just true trust and our dependence on God alone and not ourselves.
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Yeah, it's easy to trust God when things are going great.
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Things are going well, but it's those it when when we when you run into seasons of prodigal seasons, uh harder seasons, I I really believe that's when actually God is closer and he and he's just ready and waiting for us to trust him more.
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I want to echo to what Ray said.
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There is hope for you and your family if you are having maybe you do have that prodigal son or daughter situation.
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And I think to make reconciliation more likely, you just have to be graceful in these situations.
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And when you remember, I think if you've ever experienced our Heavenly Father's love, you really can hold on to that.
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Maybe you've forgotten about it, but if you can go back and remember it, I think that will make a world of a difference in reconciling relationships, whether it's with a kid or a friend or a family member, to not forget the love that the father has for you.
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I think another thing too that gives a lot of hope is other people's testimonies and just realizing like, oh, I'm not the only one who's going through this.
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And if God can show up for this family and bring this family back together, he can do the same thing for me and my family too.
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I think that's actually so wise.
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Like, I've I've been lucky, I don't know, lucky is the right word, but I've actually got to hear several people's testimonies lately of situations just like that.
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And the power and the work that God does through those trials and hardships is one of the most encouraging and beautiful things.
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So if you can see that these difficult times are opportunities to show God's love and grace, and that can be a powerful tool to use to bring others hope as they're going through these difficult situations.
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So, for Christian parents, how do we continue trusting God when our prayers seem unanswered and our child continues making these painful choices?
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I think a pivotal point, and then with that question, is to remember that God loves the child, the prodigal child, actually more than we could as parents.
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That is not always easy to do.
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I feel like I love my kiddos with everything, but ultimately surrendering and realizing okay, you actually love this kiddo more than I do.
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So so prayer is not, it's it's not a it's not a lever for an outcome.
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Prayer is actually staying connected to the Father so that you're able to experience his peace and his love and his closeness to you during this particular season.
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I wonder if we can trust the character of God also when we're going through these different things that we may not understand why it's happening, but we understand that God is faithful and we can just trust his character as we go through these difficult situations with our kids.
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So, what word of hope would you give to a parent who's currently struggling with this issue?
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You're not alone.
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Other people are also going through similar struggles, not necessarily the same struggle, but similar struggles.
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But also knowing that you're not alone because other people are going through it, but most importantly, knowing you're not alone because God is with you through it all.
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All right.
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Thank you so much for listening today.
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If you haven't given Brain-Based Parenting a five-star review, just know it's not too late.
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You can do it right now.
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It's very easy.
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Just scroll down and click the five-star button.
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Until next time, you might have to loan out your cortex today.
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Just make sure you remember and get it back.
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Thank you for listening to Brain-Based Parenting.
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We hope you enjoyed this show.
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If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org.
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Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.