E2: Navigating Your New Normal

Victoria Hartman: Welcome, blended families. And finally, we have episode two coming to you of Yours, Mine, and Ours, a Blended Family Podcast. I'm your host, Tori Hartman, and yes, it has been over a year since I published the first episode. Yours, Mine, and Ours, a blended family podcast where love is the only label that matters. Let's talk about I published the first episode ⁓ in April of 2025. I turned 30 and I started four projects for myself. ⁓ And it was really hard to keep up on all of them, unfortunately, because a podcast does take some time. I kind of let it go to the side because I never really had any time by myself to record, ⁓ to edit all those things. Shortly after I published the first episode, I started my career in EMS and I've been working as an EMT on a 911 service for over a year. Needless to say, juggling schedules and learning a new sleep schedule. I work nights, so learning a new sleep schedule, and then shortly after that, we had the kids coming. So we had four kids in the house all summer. It was a disaster. But now we're back and we're here and we're going to keep it rolling. Episode two: Navigating Your New Normal. This is what we're gonna jump straight into because I have been thinking about this for a year, and I have lots to say. So today's episode is going to center around tips for adjusting into the life of a blended family and setting boundaries, embracing change. Because being a part of a blended family is not as easy as everybody thinks it is. The main thing is people's opinions don't matter. Like I know that everybody has families and whether you're a child of divorce, adoption, foster, no matter what, you know that your family, no matter what that family looks like, always is going to have opinions about your life. The main thing that you have to remember is this blended family is your family. People's opinions don't matter. You could take their advice into consideration, but in the grand scheme of things, the little family that you have in the life that you're creating is yours alone. Even though it seems like blended families are the new normal, there's a lot of people who still think they're very taboo or it's the wrong way of doing things. Take everything with a grain of salt. Do not let those outside opinions and advice affect the inside of your home. I've dealt with this. so much over the years and it took a long time for us to figure out what our new normal looked like. My husband and I will have been married for two years this year and we've been together for six total. We have four kids and we have two separate families outside of our kids that we really have to work around or not work around. A blended family is not clean cut. You have so many people in your life and some of those people, depending on Who you deal with, who you talk to, could be your closest friends and family, and they will have the strongest opinions about what you're doing with your life and how you think you should do it versus how you think you should do it. The one thing that I was really grateful for when I started this relationship, when I started this family was in the beginning of my relationship, my husband and I took the time to really get to know each other. We've known each other for a really long time, ⁓ since 2005. We were little besties, first boyfriend, first girlfriend in fifth grade, but we grew up. We didn't hadn't seen each other for 15 years. So we had to get to know each other and we did that outside of our two boys. It was probably the best time of our relationship because we would sit on the porch and we would talk about our our past and all the things that both of us missed out on. And we really got to know one another. And that way it was easy to really form that relationship outside of the kids. And I think that that's the most important part is that you and your partner are together. You and your partner are a a force against everybody. With that, it's important to talk about your parenting styles. If they're different, how can you compromise and put them together? ⁓ your goals for jobs, your goals for your kids, your goals for your home. It's really important to set that and have that be the foundation of your family and your relationship. Because even though people will say put the kids first, you need to put your relationship first, especially in a blended family. Okay, especially in a blended family. Because of the previous statement of all of the opinions of other people. Another thing is it takes time. It takes time to form that relationship. It takes time to form the relationship with the kids. It takes time to get to know your. future in laws or your significant other's friends. It this stuff doesn't happen overnight. And even six years in, we still have issues with other people in the families, with friends. Just we it doesn't go away. And you just make it easier when you do have that solid foundation. Sliding out of that with your partner, let's talk about with the kids. If you're a step parent, it's very easy to get into the nitty gritty of it, especially when you're just thrown into it. So the first summer we had my stepkids, I I wasn't their mom. I really wasn't anything to them. So their dad did a lot of the discipline, your their dad did a lot of the care. But as that went on and they figured out that I was a permanent role in their life, it got a little easier to navigate within my own home. And as that went on, our co-parenting with their mom became more solid. So their mom was like, nope, you have to listen to Tori. Tori is in charge there just like dad. And it kind of just blossomed from there. But when it comes down to the step parenting role, there's like two two opposite ends of the spectrum here. They either want to be involved 100% and they want the control and they want to be mom or dad and they want to take over, or it's the complete nacho effect. Nacho kid, nacho problem. You gotta find some kind of equal middle ground there as a step parent, because while yes You do have to step in and be a parental figure. They still do have both parents. So you're an extra parent on top of the foundation of the family that they already had. And that's the hard truth. I would love to get on this podcast and tell you, yep, stepparents are it. They are the ones that matter most. And that's that. But the thing is, the kids matter the most. Your relationship to your sp significant other should matter the most to you, but in the grand scheme of a blended family, it's the kids that matter. It's all very confusing and we'll we'll dissect it, okay? But the thing that matters the most is being able to set the boundaries and the rules in your own house, offer support to your partner instead of just taking charge, because it can be a slippery slope if you try to take charge when they don't want you to, you know, or they're not comfortable with it. And with the biological parents, make sure that if they ask for your opinion or ask what you would like, you can definitely join in. But make sure that the biological parents are making those decisions for the kids before you try to make those decisions. I because I think that's where a lot of conflict happens when a step parent kind of oversteps those boundaries. And I'm only speaking from experience. I'm only speaking from experience of growing up in blended families. And also being a part of this blended family. It's very hard to figure out where you fit in the puzzle. And that's the basis of this entire episode is being able to be so clear in your communication and transparent with your partner that you know where you stand and what you can do and how to help. And then you won't have any conflict within your own home. And that's what's really important is what's happening in your own home. And the last bullet point I have here is to Prioritize yourself as well as your relationship. It should be you, your relationship with your partner, and then your kids. In my opinion, this is just my opinion. This is not based on fact. This is not based on research. It is based on my opinion of how I feel that step step moms in general, because I'm not a stepdad, so I can't really speak from a stepdad point of view, but stepmoms in general, especially when you have biological kids in the house as well. You're with your biological kids all the time, and then you have stepkids coming in as well. And it's just chaos sometimes. Prioritizing yourself in that order of yourself, your partner, and your kids is going to be hard because we all know that there's mom guilt. But if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your family. You can't take care of what's going on in your home. So, my opinion. And this is the greatest opinion of this episode is you have to make sure that you, as a stepmom, as a parent, in general, take care of yourself so that when conflict does arise, it is not the end of the world. It is not a huge blowout fight because that's where things start to crack in the blended family. Kids will see it and they will take advantage of it and they will roll with it and they will play you against each other. And I guarantee that happens in non-blended families as well. When they see mom and dad fighting, they know it. And you know how I know that? Because I was that kid. I was the kid that I didn't like my dad's girlfriends. And when I saw them fighting, I fueled it. And if I didn't like my mom's boyfriends, they knew about it. And it's because there wasn't a solid foundation. And as a child, I figured that out. I have a little list of do's and don'ts that I do in my own home. But take it for what you will and then maybe, you know, in the comment section What are your do's and don'ts in your blended family? I think that would be a good conversation opener for the community, the do's and don'ts of your your household and your blended family. So we'll do the do's first. Do get to know your partner very well before introducing them to your children. Do minimize the number and the frequency of adults that you introduce to your child during all of that, because it can be very confusing for a young brain. To have somebody say, Well, this is this person and this person and this person, and they're a part of your family now. And they're like, what? Like, and I say that from experience. My son recently kind of dealt with that a little bit, and he was very confused. It's a it's a work in progress. You have to really ease kids into this new huge family that they might have. Not saying don't introduce them, just do it slowly. Do inform your ex, whether it's your ex-wife, ex-girlfriend. the mother or father of your children, do inform them when you're seeing somebody new. And it's a relationship that your children are going to be around this person. Not that you need permission, but it's courtesy. It's safety. It's the respectful thing to do. Like, hey, I'm gonna be in a new relationship. This person's gonna be in my life. I would like to introduce them to the kids and I would like for you to know. And depending on where you're at in your co-parenting relationship, you may or may not want to also meet them to, you know, set the boundaries of hey, I'm dad, hey, I'm mom, I'm cool with you being a part of this co-parenting, blended family, but you have to set those boundaries and you have to set that precedence that mom and dad are still both here and mom and dad are working together. And then step mom and stepdad trail on in there and you also work together with those two parents. Do plan activities. That facilitate relationships with the children. This is something that we really struggle to do because we do have four kids and we don't have a lot of people to watch the other three if we do something special with one kid. I think it's important that both mom and stepdad and ma and dad and stepmom together go do something special with each kid to form those relationships with those children. In a blended family, there's a lot of resentment that can build up between kids and And I know that because I've been a part of that. I've been a part of, well, mom likes stepkids better than me because she's so infatuated with her boyfriend that she gets more they get more attention. It didn't really happen with my dad, and I'm not trying to shame my mom, but that's just where I I have felt it before. It does create resentment in with the kids. And that's not what you want. We're avoiding any type of chaos. And I know that this is easier said than done, but trust me. Just trust me on this one. Make sure that your kids know that they are loved equally and you spend equal time with them as mom and dad, stepmom and stepdad. Like just make it happen. I promise. I promise it'll be okay. It sounds like a lot because you have to facilitate how many different kids because blended families sometimes are big, you know? But it's worth it. And the last don't is don't disregard your children's feelings and don't jeopardize their safety. Let me say that again. Don't disregard your children's feelings or jeopardize their safety. The reason I said that twice is because it's probably the most important part of this entire podcast, aside from really having a connection and setting those boundaries with your significant other. When we started this blended family, my stepson would Tell me multiple times, I don't have to listen to you, you're not my mom. If I were to tell him, you do have to listen to me, I'm your stepmom, and that's that, do you think he would actually listen to me? I didn't say anything when he said that the first time. When he said it again, I said, You know what, bud? You are correct. I am not your mom, but I do love you as if you were my own kid. And it is important that while you are here visiting, That you listen to the rules of the house. Could you imagine if a parent looked at their child and said, I don't care if you think I'm your mom or not, you're gonna listen to me. Or if you completely disregard or dismiss the fact that, well, your mom's not here. You have to tread lightly in in a blended family situation. Or when my stepdaughter star first started coming around. I miss my mommy, I wanna talk to my mommy, I wanna go home. You know what I did? She got to call her mommy because I could have said, Well, that's too bad you're with us and you don't get to see mommy while you're with us. That's scary for them, right? Especially when we were very brand new. For the first year and a half of our relationship, we didn't get to see the the stepkids. So when they finally came, my stepson barely remembered me, and it was the first time I had seen my stepdaughter, and she was little. It's very scary. For kids in blended families. It doesn't matter how much you love your significant other and you want to merge your families together. If your kids are apprehensive about it, make sure you're listening and ⁓ really seeing those nonverbal cues as well. And the safety of it all, you could have family members who do not like your significant other's children and they treat them like garbage. And you really have to pay attention to those things. This is, like I said, some people don't agree. With being part of a blended family. They think it's wrong, they think it's hurting hurting the kids, they think that, you know, you should they either think that you should just get back together with your ex-significant other or that you should be alone. And that makes no sense to me in any aspect. Why when your say your child, when your grown child comes to you after getting divorced, breaking up, whatever, and tells you. I found somebody that I really like, that somebody also has kids. Blah, blah, blah. And instead of trusting your child and meeting people with love, you come and you say, I don't like this person, so I'm going to be a shithead. Did you think that they were gonna break up? Because that's not how this all always goes down. All you're doing is creating resentment and you're showing these blooded families that they can't trust you. While I said in the beginning of this podcast, people are gonna have opinions, don't let them get to you, don't let them ruin your blended family. On the opposite end of it, if you're not in a blended family, keep your opinions to yourself. When it all boils down to it, is you can either be a support person for these blended families or you can hit the road. And truthfully, that sounds really harsh, but my thought process in everything that I've had to deal with in my whole life is if somebody is bringing you down or causing you grief. Or genuinely like ruining your life, they don't need to be a part of it. I don't care if your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, uncle, brother, sister, I don't care. If you cannot support the people who you know in your life who are in a blended family without trying to ruin it for them, or without trying to welcome them with open arms and love on these kids and support them, then you don't need to be a part of it. And that goes along with the children's feelings and the children's safety. Because I promise you, most blended families have their hackles up. They are already suspicious of every single person around them because of how they've been treated in the past or how they grew up. I promise you, blended families are some of the most fragile families, but they're some of the most beautiful families too. So all of this to say, when you're navigating this new normal and you're starting this family within your own home. Make sure the foundation is solid. Make sure you know that you are secure in your relationship and you're secure in your parenting and you're secure in where you want to go. If you guys are on the same page, if you have goals and you're helping each other reach the goals, you're helping your kids reach the goals, that is fantastic. That is so great. And that's really, really what all of this boils down to. And I think when you listen to this podcast and say you're in the in-between. You're not a seasoned blended family person, but you're a single mom or a single dad, and you're coming up on the fact that you don't want to be alone forever. I hope that you listen to this and you know that there are very successful blended families out there, and their relationships are fantastic, and the kids love each other and they have great co-parenting, but that's not always the case, and sometimes it will be hard in the beginning. But if you take Bits and pieces of what I said today, and you know, really double down on having that good relationship before the kids even come into it. Making sure you set the boundaries with not only your spouse, but your spouse's family, your family, just making sure that you know you're secure in that. You could have the most beautiful blended family there is. The biggest thing that I will say is it takes time. And I said that earlier in this episode. All of it takes time from beginning to end. There's never going to be A time where you don't have to put in the work. It's gonna look different and it's gonna be really different than what you have done before. The fact of the matter is, is you have this potential to have the most beautiful life, the most amazing blended family. I always wanted a big family, but after having two kids, I was like, I'm good. But I got two more kids. I still get to have a big family. I have four kids that I now get to nurture. and teach and share celebrations and be there for if they get their heartbroken or if they're hurt or sick or sad. I get to be there for all of that because I'm part of a blended family. It's one of the best things I've ever done. But sometimes it could also be one of the worst things I've ever done. Don't get me wrong. I feel like this video is kind of like sunshine and roses, all you gotta do is put the work in, but they're hard. They're very hard. So you really, when it comes down to your new normal, you really, really have to disc discuss with your significant other how you want to move forward. Where do you draw the line? What are the rules and the boundaries within the home? What are the rules and the boundaries within the co-parenting relationships? All of this to say is after six years, we have finally figured it out. Not to say that we don't have struggles still in our co-parenting relationship. There's still Sometimes hurt feelings, there's still aggravations, there's still irritations on both sides, but the kids are growing up and the kids are learning that they have step siblings and they have a stepmom and a stepdad. And to me, the more the merrier. Every kid deserves to have so much love in their life. And if they have more cousins, more aunts and uncles, more grandparents who love them. And who want the best for them, it's a win-win. So when you figure out what your new normal is, dig deep. Make sure you are really finding your flow and how you want your blended family to look. And the most important thing about that is it doesn't matter what other people say or what other people think. It only matters what you do with your family and your kids and your significant other. And that's where I'm gonna leave it. There's a lot to discuss on some of the top these topics that I brought up today. Now, I'm going to end this episode with giving you a little more insight of what this podcast is. This podcast moving forward is going to be a podcast that is encouraging blended families, stepparents, divorced couples, children of divorce, children of adoption, and people who know people who can offer support to their blended family loved ones. This is a podcast that is based on community. It is based on connecting with blended families because sometimes with all of these people that you have in your life, being a stepmom or being a stepdad can be very lonely. I've been there, I've known people that have been there. There are just some people that don't understand what you're going through and how you're dealing with things unless they're a part of a blended family. And sometimes you just need a community to go to, to talk to, to get advice. And that's what this is. It's not a place where you can just come and vent about this, that, or the third. This is something that we're going to do to encourage. We can offer advice and we can talk about it. But we're gonna do it with love. We're gonna do it with positivity. Okay. Thank you for finally. being able to listen to episode two. We hope today's episode gave you some valuable takeaways. If you enjoyed it, be sure to subscribe, share, follow, like, comment, all the things. And we're also going to be starting at the end of every episode, kind of like a little QA. You can ask me questions, share a story, whatever you would like to do, and I can offer my thoughts, opinions, Advice. I'll offer whatever you want me to do. Just send me a DM, Instagram, TikTok, comment, Facebook. My messaging is always open to everybody who's part of a blended family. I have had people message me already and tell me how great they think this is and how they love listening and feeling like they're not alone. And I I love that. And that was a year ago. So I can't imagine where it's gonna go from here. Until then, take care of yourself, take care of that blended family, and remember. Love is the only label that matters. Bye guys. Thanks.