My Codependummy Calander with Marissa Esquibel, LMFT

-How and why have I been everyone else's secretary by prioritizing their time above my own?

-What happens when you have a pattern of being responsible not only for your time but everyone else's?

-How can you stop being everyone else's secretary, separate their time tasks from yours, and take back your time?

Welcome to episode 98! This week, we are discussing my codependummy calendar. What is a codependummy calendar, you ask? Well, it’s when you take on the role of being everyone else’s secretary. You’ll hear the 10 ways that we create a codependummy calendar, some examples from my own life to help with your understanding, and the consequences of putting everyone else’s time above our own. I conclude with the 10 steps you can take to quit being everyone else’s secretary, separate the tasks of your time versus others’ time, and take back your time! 

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More deets on this episode: 

We begin with our beloved checkin. 

Next, we refresh our memories on the work of Alfred Adler and his encouragement for us to separate our tasks from others. Refer to the episode Separation of Tasks that aired on 11/22/21 for more context!

Then, we hear about the ways that a codependummy creates a codependummy calendar: 

1. She makes plans with others in mind
2. She doesn’t make plans with others in mind
3. She cancels or reschedules or rearranges her plans with others in mind
4. She lies to others about cancelling/rescheduling to avoid conflict
5. When plans are made and she’s arrived, she waits patiently without complaint 
6. When plans are made and she’s arrived, she rationalizes her feelings away
7. When the other party is fairly late, she texts, calls, emails, or contacts the other party to see where they are (while waiting and rationalizing)
8. She reasons something must have happened if they continue to run late and admonishes herself for being so impatient 
9. She reaches out again to reschedule and does not mention her disappointment/anger/frustration OR she continues to wait
   1. If she does’t reach out to them she still blames herself 
   2. She waits, they finally arrive, and she acts as if nothing has happened 
10. She blames herself for not being clear.
11. She usually copes with the feelings that her time is not being taken seriously in a manner that harms herself

As I read this list, I’m curious how you relate? 

I share how I realized I was being codependent with my calendar. And how I officially quit as everyone else’s secretary. This is made clearer through 3 examples from my own life. 

To help you relinquish the task of being everyone else’s secretary, here are ten practices:

1. Make plans with another human being that balance your time and theirs.
2. Arrive at said place or space at the confirmed meeting time. 
3. Wait 5 minutes if the other party is late.
4. If they have not contacted you, you can discern whether you want to contact them OR leave.
5. Engage in a coping activity to deal with the feelings that come up if you leave.
6. Carry on with another activity you had on your to do list that day.
7. Discern whether or not you want to reach out to the person to reschedule.
8. Give said human a second chance if you want.
9. Repeat steps 1-7 as needed. 
10. Give yourself all the tenderness you need while you work at taking back your time. 

Thanks for listening! 

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-Get your copy of the Confiding Codependummy: 30 days of journaling prompts for a less-codependent and more-conscious you! www.codependummy.com/toolsforhealing 

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-If you are wanting to dive into your codependency deeper one-on-one, please email marissa@codependummy.com

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See you next week!