00:00:00
Speaker 1: You're listening to tell Me Something Messy with Brandon, Kyle Goodman and iHeart podcasts on the Outspoken Network. Talking about relationships, sex and identity always reminds me that being a human is messy. So I wanted to create a compassionate space where we could feel less alone and embrace our mess together, the funny, the vulnerable, the cringe, and even the kinky. Because every part of who we are matters. So do'll be shy, baby, tell me something messy. Messy patrons, come on, baby, welcome to the show. I am your messy mom, Brandon Kyle Goodman, and you know what that means. It is time for a guest. Now, while they get situated, we will get our messy. Key Key started with a ho manifest stove, so repeat after me aloud or in your head. Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the wisdom to know that sex is not about penetration, the audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck they, for it is better to mass debate by myself in peace then to let someone play in my motherfuck you face. Let the whommunity say holujah. Okay, y'all, Today we have the deliciously unapologetic pen slinging queen of cartoon chaos, Jessica Stall. She's the mind behind Vanilla Cool Dance, the webcomic that will have you laughing, gasping, and texting your best friend. Oh my god, she really drew that. She is here to talk about love, dating, bodies, and every messy, shamefree thing in between. So y'all please help me. Welcome to our messy living room, Jessica Stall, Hi Jazz, Hello.
00:01:36
Speaker 2: To the messy living room. It's quite clean, but we're the mess, so you get it.
00:01:40
Speaker 3: I'm ready to bring the mess.
00:01:41
Speaker 1: Yes, before we get started, we have our messy mandates for our messy Kiki, so things get to be unprocessed. Any opinions shared have the right to shift. Change of all today tomorrow, ten years from now. And if during the Kiki, something feels too personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word foosball, which gives us a moment to pivot and address accordingly.
00:02:00
Speaker 2: I love that, I love a word.
00:02:04
Speaker 1: We started the lou breaker. Yes, okay, so we're gonna play a game of smash or pass. I'm going to give you a prompt. You don't tell me if you smash it or you pass it. Okay, smash your past.
00:02:12
Speaker 2: Morning sex smash. Yeah, in theory for me, it's a smash.
00:02:17
Speaker 1: But because I I dabble in the anal of it all interest, I don't want you and me in the morning like that.
00:02:24
Speaker 3: I have to I have to go to the bathroom right first, but yeah, I get that, and then then.
00:02:28
Speaker 2: Then it's like once a while, like I'm not feeling sexy after, you know, like I need some time.
00:02:32
Speaker 3: So morning night times better.
00:02:34
Speaker 1: Nighttime is a way better for me. Morning sex in theory again is okay. So I heard that once you start douching, you can never not douche again. So I think back in the day before I understood what doucheing was, I could have morning sets and it didn't bug me.
00:02:49
Speaker 2: But now I'm very regular.
00:02:51
Speaker 3: Got it, got it, which is good.
00:02:54
Speaker 1: And I wake up and I was gonna say, tm I, but the show is you know, I have to poop twice before I leave the house.
00:03:03
Speaker 2: So I wake up.
00:03:03
Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm like once a once a day, once a morning.
00:03:07
Speaker 1: Once a morning. I'm twice in the morning at least. Sometimes it'll be three times. It's just crazy at doing I don't it's not fun. But but the fiber intake. Really as soon as I get up, I have my green juice in a little water, and then I'm ready to go. But then I don't leave the house until I have the second one, at least because I because I don't because I don't like to poop in public restrooms, spash pas.
00:03:33
Speaker 4: Fast. I mean, I feel like neither.
00:03:35
Speaker 3: I wouldn't like smash it, but I wouldn't like.
00:03:38
Speaker 4: If I need to go.
00:03:39
Speaker 3: But it's not ideal.
00:03:40
Speaker 2: It's not ideal.
00:03:41
Speaker 3: But I would never like just hold it for hours.
00:03:44
Speaker 2: I would.
00:03:46
Speaker 3: I think there's some.
00:03:47
Speaker 2: Repression there, absolutely repression that I'm comfortable with. I just don't like. I don't, Yeah, I don't. I don't like. I don't like other people. So so I don't like people to hear me.
00:03:58
Speaker 3: And I like to try to think about.
00:04:00
Speaker 2: It, you know, and I like to take my time.
00:04:03
Speaker 1: I'm I'm definitely a girl who's in there, like on the I'm enjoying myself like it's an experience.
00:04:09
Speaker 2: It's an awful experience. I'm trying to make it softer. I wish he did nice lighting. Yeah, give me.
00:04:13
Speaker 1: Some nice lighting, give me some reading material, and I love it. But you can't have that in everyone's public restroom. I also hate to be pooping next to somebody else pooping.
00:04:22
Speaker 2: My god, do that.
00:04:23
Speaker 3: That would be a nightmare.
00:04:25
Speaker 2: Yeah. My heck is I put my headphones in.
00:04:26
Speaker 3: Oh wow, so you have done it before.
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Speaker 2: You just rarely.
00:04:31
Speaker 3: Put my headphones in.
00:04:33
Speaker 1: Because I'm like, I don't want to hear what you're doing. I don't want to think about you hearing what I'm doing.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:04:38
Speaker 1: And then also the worst is because I think about this in the gym, Like if you see somebody hot and you're like, I can't go poop.
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Speaker 2: Right now, you know what I'm saying.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I get that.
00:04:46
Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm not gonna go poop because I see me go.
00:04:49
Speaker 3: Then he's going to get thinking about in there.
00:04:50
Speaker 2: Yeah he might. He might, unless well, I guess if he sat down next.
00:04:55
Speaker 1: To the stall, then we would be bonding over the fact that we're both shipping at the gym or in this public space.
00:05:01
Speaker 2: But U suid that doesn't happen, you know what I'm saying.
00:05:03
Speaker 1: Which is why the only reason I would be straight, the only reason I'd be ahead of a sexual is because I would never have to worry about my crush seeing me poop.
00:05:12
Speaker 2: That's a great reason to.
00:05:12
Speaker 3: Be I still get like shy. I'm like, can they hear you from the bedroom? Like, I don't know?
00:05:19
Speaker 4: I get sure?
00:05:21
Speaker 2: Can I take something? I say?
00:05:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, tell me how you like fact check that you leave your phone out there to record it to like check? Can they check?
00:05:29
Speaker 4: Like how would you know?
00:05:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, especially if you're it's a farty poop, I had to, you know, like when you I always say, if your fart smell, you have to poop. People don't believe me, but like if you're if your fart is smelling, girl, you have to go.
00:05:42
Speaker 2: To the bad That makes sense absolutely. If you have a clo it's not you're fine.
00:05:47
Speaker 1: But if if that part smells, it's because it's your body's saying. We got to get the tout. So I went to a hook up and I was topping, but my stomach was gurgly. And then I went into the bathroom and I pee, And sometimes when you pee, it relaxes you, so a little comes out.
00:06:03
Speaker 2: So I farted. I tooted.
00:06:04
Speaker 1: It wasn't loud, but it's smelled. And then I was like, I'm staying here for a second. And then I walked out and I was like, okay, cool, let's get back into it because on top of it, so it doesn't matter.
00:06:13
Speaker 2: But then he decided to go back and I was like, oh lord, and we did. We ignored it.
00:06:17
Speaker 1: But I did hear him go oh, and I was like, yeah, maybe no, come come, come bent over, let me fuck you so funny. Last one smaster pass an excess hot sibling, pass past.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm going to pass.
00:06:31
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, an excess hot sibling.
00:06:34
Speaker 3: I'm gonna guess. It depends how like, it depends on how.
00:06:36
Speaker 1: It ended, because I could be petty, but I will also pass. But yeah, I'm I'm ana pass. I'm a past messy not sloppy you think. Okay, by the way you won the game, yay, lollipop pick one. There's so many different this season.
00:06:52
Speaker 3: Look like I guess I'm definitely getting a blow.
00:06:54
Speaker 2: Pop or Apple Apple.
00:06:56
Speaker 1: Yes, perfect, I'm gonna take one of these. Okay, you can you can choose to eat on that. Right now, you have to tell me something messy. Okay, So my favorite thing about lollipops is that's my after care. So after I have some good sex, I have lollipop. There's something about something sweet after you come. Highly recommend, highly recommend. Also love a talking to cookie. So Jess, can you tell me something messy?
00:07:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, I can tell you something about please.
00:07:26
Speaker 1: Uh.
00:07:27
Speaker 3: So I recently went to meet a guy I knew in Turkey on a yacht trip with his family for a week.
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Speaker 1: Wait, went to Turkey on a yacht trip with this guy's family and we just met.
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Speaker 3: We had spent a little bit of time together, but we had connected for a few months, like we met in real life while I was traveling, and he had invited me on this trip and we had been talking for quite a few months. So I thought, okay, let's go.
00:07:58
Speaker 4: And I got off the boat five days early.
00:08:02
Speaker 3: Why Yeah, And that was messy, but I was really proud of myself.
00:08:06
Speaker 1: You got off because it didn't go well.
00:08:09
Speaker 3: Didn't go well. He was sick, which is fine. I don't know if men experienced sickness different and just become not super nice.
00:08:19
Speaker 2: But it was an asshole when he got sick.
00:08:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I think maybe he was just kind of an asshole, but like a small one, but like a it was all too small to really understand what was happening.
00:08:32
Speaker 1: Were like one of the flags, one of your like you're like, oh, this thing he did that was actually asshole.
00:08:37
Speaker 3: Yes, Well, when I had brought up the what was happening and that I didn't feel that we were connecting, and I at this point, I you know, I would not do well on reality TV. This was like a pressure cooker. We're like on a boat trip stuck together. So like my emotions were also quite high. That is like not going well. So I was probably crying and not doing very well. But I communicated like that I feel like we were connecting, and and his reaction was very I'm sick. If I wasn't we would be connecting. I can't connect. I don't have capacity. Also, there was this other girl, and.
00:09:10
Speaker 2: I'm like, there's another girl on the yacht.
00:09:12
Speaker 3: No, not on the yacht, and but apparently there had been. He was not feeling so good about how that had ended. Uh huh, And I think I said, I don't even know what to say, and then he goes, hmm, you could say thank you so much for bringing me on this trip to Turkey and for seeing this beautiful yeah part of the world. I'm so sorry you're sick. I'm so sorry that you're having this difficult time with this other girl, and let's try and make the most of it.
00:09:43
Speaker 1: He was you to say, I was sorry that you have a difficult with another girl when you're the girl in the yacht.
00:09:48
Speaker 2: Okay, okay.
00:09:51
Speaker 3: So I got off.
00:09:53
Speaker 2: Good for you, Good for you, absolutely.
00:09:54
Speaker 3: And then I spent the rest of the week in Turkey.
00:09:58
Speaker 2: So you so you just like made your own play in Turkey.
00:10:02
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:10:02
Speaker 4: I mean it's so funny because when.
00:10:04
Speaker 3: People say, oh, wasn't it scary to get off the boat and like be alone in Turkey, I'm like, that is my I thrive by myself traveling. I'm a huge, shallow traveler. So I felt amazing. To me. The messy part, or the in my mind was that I have worked hard to like become secure, let's say, but I still have that Oh maybe I should wait, Maybe it's not as bad. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe he's actually really a nice guy.
00:10:32
Speaker 4: I let me wait and wait and wait.
00:10:34
Speaker 2: Making these excuses.
00:10:35
Speaker 3: Yes, and also I have to tell eighteen people that I don't know, like I'm getting off the boat, Like, how did that go?
00:10:42
Speaker 2: Did you have dinner? Like I'm out? Was it dramatic?
00:10:46
Speaker 3: No, well, I don't know. I've no idea what happened after I left. I think I woke up that morning and I realized, Okay, we're at port. I don't know the next time, we're going to be like in a town. And I thought, okay, maybe I'm being dramatic. He said he made one or two more small digs at me that morning, and like just like like anything I kind of said was the wrong thing to say, or or yeah, like yeah, just like snappy and and not not so it didn't feel good. They were just like small digs like micro Russians or whatever that like make you feel shitty about yourself. And so he said one more and I was like, you know, I'm getting off. I just said, hey, I'm leaving the boat. He was completely surprised, and and then I just told his family, like.
00:11:40
Speaker 2: Something came up.
00:11:42
Speaker 4: It's crazy, like I have to leave right now.
00:11:45
Speaker 2: Yeah, like gosh, I have to.
00:11:46
Speaker 3: Get up now.
00:11:47
Speaker 2: Maybe did you like the family?
00:11:49
Speaker 3: Did you like the fa They were great?
00:11:50
Speaker 2: They were great.
00:11:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, they were great, Yeah, good for you. Yeah, well I think the Yeah, what do you think? I would never have done that before. So I have been in situations on like years ago. I remember another instance where I was on a uh I think like a third or fourth date and the guy came and he was feeling very tired and he was sharing, oh I'm so tired, and I kind of kept waiting for the date to like get better. We went back to his house, he was still being like, oh, I'm really tired, blah blah. And instead of me leaving and being like, hey you're boring or like hey this isn't fun, let me get out of here, I kind of stayed. And then eventually I said what is going on? And he said I slept with somebody the night before and then he asked me to send.
00:12:34
Speaker 4: Yes.
00:12:34
Speaker 3: He told me dinner was expensive and can I wul I mind paying half the bill?
00:12:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, so at dinner he was taking you out too, Yes, of you. I have heard things and we think we talked about on the show.
00:12:45
Speaker 1: But like people asking like if a date doesn't go well, then they'll they'll ask you a Benmo requests you for half the date or something like that.
00:12:51
Speaker 2: That's yeah, oh, like what if you if you can't afford it?
00:12:55
Speaker 3: Seriously, this is very Dutch. Also, what like what is that about?
00:13:00
Speaker 2: Because you live in Amsterdam.
00:13:00
Speaker 3: I live in Amsterdam, and so I have had many a like TICKI. We have it's like our Venmo many a TICKI scent, like when I'm like, hey, I didn't really feel connection, Okay, here's the tiki or wait yeah I wait.
00:13:13
Speaker 1: So this is like a growing thing that like if somebody pays for a date and then you were like I don't want a second date, they go.
00:13:20
Speaker 2: They could they do you think that's right?
00:13:23
Speaker 3: No? I think it's ridiculous. I think it's ridiculous. And I also think, oh, okay, so you can show face on like a date in public and then behind the scenes you're going to be like you're going to invoice me.
00:13:34
Speaker 2: Yeah that's crazy.
00:13:36
Speaker 3: Yeah, So I don't Yeah, I would rather honestly split on the first date than for the second day or the third date. But yeah, I don't like this idea that they're that if you went out with them again, then they would have kept the Yeah.
00:13:47
Speaker 1: That to me as somebody who like it's a it's a flag that somebody's keeping tabs, and if they're keeping tabs, then I would imagine they're doing it not only financially, but just like kind of everywhere else whereas if I'm looking for goracious, if I'm dating you, I'm hoping that eventually this wie a partnership, and if we're partners, we do things together. And so I'm not not saying that we won't eventually need to figure out what the finances or whatever, but I'm not like getting you back, but at least and go my way.
00:14:15
Speaker 3: True, but at least in that case, like I'm rejecting them. This was like I've had two instances where I'm being rejected and then they invoiced me and I'm like, like this guy slept at the girl the night before, super tired, and then he's like, can you pay for half the bill?
00:14:30
Speaker 2: Wow? Yeah? Fight yeah, fight.
00:14:33
Speaker 3: So I would say I've now graduated because in that situation, I stayed and I waited and I waited, and I always think about that. I'm like, oh my god, and now I got off.
00:14:41
Speaker 2: So good yeah for you, Good for you. Yeah.
00:14:44
Speaker 1: I think when we when we noticed that it's a ref lag, we need to I think love ourselves enough to like piece the fuck out exactly.
00:14:52
Speaker 3: And you know what somebody said that has really stayed with me. They shared that they go to a lot of like Tantra temp nights m M, and they said at some of them, they ask you, like mid engagement in the microphone, they'll be like, are you still where you want to be? Check in with your body? Are you still where you want to be? Yeah? You can change your mind, And so I think in that situation, I'm like, it could be better, like who knows, we don't know, but like, am I still where I want to be in this moment?
00:15:21
Speaker 2: No? This sucks.
00:15:22
Speaker 3: I am out of here. I'm not going to be treated like this.
00:15:24
Speaker 1: That's tea like to be able to check in with your body and be like am I happy right now?
00:15:28
Speaker 2: Or is this where I want to be? Yeah?
00:15:30
Speaker 1: And then taking back the autonomy to make a change and likely, oh I don't have.
00:15:35
Speaker 2: To you know what is?
00:15:36
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes we're all because we spend our childhood.
00:15:41
Speaker 2: Let's go down this funtain.
00:15:42
Speaker 1: We spend our childhood and we spend our teenage years and our college years being told where to be, when to be there. I think we forget as adults that we have autonomy. Yeah, and so we're like we're stuck in that loop of like, oh, I'm supposed to be here at nine to five, I'm supposed to be at this thing because my mom told me so, because my boss told me so.
00:16:02
Speaker 2: And it's like no, in your life, you don't have to be there.
00:16:05
Speaker 1: You can actually make a decision and go, oh, I don't want I don't want this anymore.
00:16:09
Speaker 2: I can go I can leave.
00:16:10
Speaker 3: Yeah, I remember. I mean this is the feeling of the boat that I think, well you can relate to. It was I was sleeping the night before I left, and I thought, oh my god, I wish my mom could come pick me up, like from my you know, like from a sleepover where you're like, I don't want to be here anything.
00:16:24
Speaker 4: I take myself up.
00:16:25
Speaker 2: I can pick myself and pick myself up from.
00:16:27
Speaker 4: The from the shitty sleepover.
00:16:28
Speaker 1: About absolutely also to that point, like, no, no vacation is worth your peace of mind.
00:16:36
Speaker 4: I could take myself from Turkey.
00:16:40
Speaker 1: Yeah about your Yeah, I'll give fuk about your money. I'll give a fuck about where we are.
00:16:45
Speaker 4: It was like his yah or his money.
00:16:47
Speaker 1: It was like it's.
00:16:50
Speaker 3: Just a family. Which is sorry. I do not want to sound ungrateful. It was super nice to be invited, Yeah, but also like, but.
00:16:57
Speaker 2: You should be treated well when you're Yeah.
00:16:58
Speaker 3: I would feel so bad if I invited somebody on a trip and even if I didn't agree with them, if they were not having a good time, I would feel horrible.
00:17:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'd want to like make it better, even though I was sick. I'd be like, oh, I'm sick right now. We can't engage in this.
00:17:11
Speaker 3: I wish we could.
00:17:13
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:17:13
Speaker 2: Or but also the.
00:17:14
Speaker 1: Fact that there was like another girl involved is and him asking you to have empathy for a complicated relationship with another girl?
00:17:21
Speaker 2: Yeah? Is mental? Is mental?
00:17:23
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah?
00:17:24
Speaker 2: Men can be mental. Shall we do some mess email?
00:17:36
Speaker 3: Yes?
00:17:36
Speaker 2: Beautiful.
00:17:38
Speaker 1: As always, your submissions remain anonymous.
00:17:41
Speaker 2: Okay, Jess.
00:17:42
Speaker 1: So this one says I crashed a work event because I thought it was open bar. Turns out it was a retirement party. I left with a gift bag and the retiree's phone number.
00:17:52
Speaker 3: Have you that is amasic?
00:17:55
Speaker 1: Have you ever crashed an event before and then like found a boy.
00:18:00
Speaker 3: I haven't found a boy, but I have crashed like a barmits for before.
00:18:03
Speaker 2: Know how did that happen?
00:18:04
Speaker 3: I think I was like on vacation. I don't think we like crashed very long.
00:18:07
Speaker 2: But but you saw some yeah, and.
00:18:10
Speaker 4: I did not pick up any thirteen year.
00:18:12
Speaker 2: Olds, okayarments, but you saw some good.
00:18:15
Speaker 3: I think we didn't know what it was and then we like approached and then we were boarded once we found out it was an enparments.
00:18:21
Speaker 2: Yeah that's fair.
00:18:22
Speaker 1: I've crashed many a party, but I guess it wasn't really crashing so much as you know, being a plus one and like showing up randomly.
00:18:31
Speaker 3: You were invited.
00:18:33
Speaker 1: Maybe, But I feel like I'm crashing because like I didn't know the host and like it was like like they're not getting approval for me to come.
00:18:43
Speaker 2: It's just like, oh.
00:18:43
Speaker 1: Come with Yeah, and I those are those stressed me out actually, because I always want.
00:18:48
Speaker 2: To be welcome.
00:18:50
Speaker 4: Yeah, I get that.
00:18:52
Speaker 2: I want to you want to know when you're welcomed.
00:18:54
Speaker 1: But I like the idea of crashing and event and picking some money up, especially retire read they got money now saying they got access to that account now just thinking ahead, you know, saying okay, which we love this one, says Jessica and MESSI mom. I had this guy over for the first time, and everything was going great. We were watching a movie, cuddled up. The vibes were immaculate. Then my phone died, so I went to grab my charger from the nightstand, except I opened the wrong drawer and boom, there it was my full collection of toys, loop and things I don't even remember buying. He froze, I panicked, and I just blowed out those are for a friend.
00:19:33
Speaker 2: Oh wow.
00:19:34
Speaker 1: Now I don't know if I should address it, own it or just hope he thinks it was a fever dream.
00:19:38
Speaker 2: What do you think?
00:19:39
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, you should be proud of your joys. This is a.
00:19:43
Speaker 3: Collections you just like put on the Little mer Speaking of Disney, you put on these are a few of my favorite things.
00:19:50
Speaker 4: Do you like do a show and tell?
00:19:52
Speaker 1: Yes? I think if we're fucking and you see I got toys, that to me is exciting, Like.
00:19:58
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, here's what the reaction and what? So did they.
00:20:00
Speaker 1: Say they said you froze, she panicked? Or I'm making assumption. Maybe it was two guys. But the guy froze and then the person who wrote in panicked, And now they don't know if they should address it.
00:20:13
Speaker 2: I think one you address.
00:20:15
Speaker 3: It, definitely addressed.
00:20:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, like otherwise it's like quiet tension.
00:20:18
Speaker 3: Yeah you really? Hey, I know you saw them.
00:20:20
Speaker 4: I saw toys.
00:20:22
Speaker 3: I know you probably don't think that I'm saving them for a friend. I got nervous.
00:20:26
Speaker 4: They're mine. Are you curious in that?
00:20:29
Speaker 3: Like I love using toys in the bedroom. I mean to be fair, I work in the sexual WANTA space. So I have so many toys in my house. I don't know, he's forty thirty wow, four maybe like thirty thirty toys, Yeah, something like that. I have.
00:20:48
Speaker 1: I have four I have, I have I have a dildo about this song. And then I have like which I never use. But it's a kid, you not. It's this fat in this big but like fat and so like we just never get there. I have like the I have a couple of vibrating cock cranings. I have like an anal training plug situation.
00:21:11
Speaker 3: What about like a stroker?
00:21:13
Speaker 1: Okay, so I don't have a stroker, but I'm good. I see I never find anything for my penis satisfied. Like I have a flashlight that I use a couple of times, and now you know it just kind of stays there. Yeah, I don't find anything on my penis.
00:21:28
Speaker 3: Like the sensation you don't like.
00:21:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not, it's not It doesn't do it.
00:21:32
Speaker 1: I would rather just use my hand, okay, but it doesn't like anything that I've used, which I'm so down.
00:21:37
Speaker 2: If y'all got toys to sense and I have a recommendation, okay, beautiful, what's the recommendation?
00:21:42
Speaker 3: Well, I love there's a stroker from fun Factory. Okay, I forget the name of it, to be fair, maybe I liked it more than my boyfriend all the time.
00:21:52
Speaker 2: Okay, but how do you work?
00:21:54
Speaker 3: What was it? What does it look like so that this one looked a little bit like a claw? Okay, and then you go like this with it and I I kind of sat on top. Well I did because I was with them, but like they could also just use it.
00:22:05
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:22:06
Speaker 3: Then there's the EVO from s Vibe okay, and that's I can show you after. But that's really cool because insert of thing. Yeah, we can sort of thing, but it like you can use it so that it does some ball action, or you could do it so that it's on the head like the thing. I'll show you not explaining it very.
00:22:26
Speaker 2: Well, that's right, we'll put well, we'll super yeah.
00:22:29
Speaker 1: I really I've learned that I love a little bit of pain, and so I'm curious about ball clamps. My partner has one that like a cockwork that like attaches to the walls as well, which sounds like it would be exciting. I also want to I'm gonna need to do this nipple clamps.
00:22:46
Speaker 3: I like nipple clamp.
00:22:48
Speaker 1: Really do you like when you are in your partner? I mean, yeah, I love to have my I So I used to have gayana kamastia, which is when you develop extra estrogen and so a male body, it creates a breast issue. So my nipples were sensitive and then I have surgery to have that removed, and then I lost sensation on my nipples.
00:23:07
Speaker 3: But then I don't have any sense really not that much.
00:23:10
Speaker 2: Okay, okay either.
00:23:10
Speaker 3: So that's why I like it.
00:23:11
Speaker 1: Oh that's where look because it feels I pierced my nipple on Christmas.
00:23:16
Speaker 2: Eve a couple of years ago, way to celebrate the birth.
00:23:19
Speaker 1: Of Jesus, and now I have sensation back, and so like, I love having my nipples like squeezed and played with and I want to get a nipple clip. I just bought a handcuffs for my partner because he likes to be restrained. And they're like these fuzzy, fuzzy red ones because you know, I want the because I'm still about like, I don't want.
00:23:37
Speaker 3: Hard nice textures. Yes, textures, but they should definitely like I think, first of all, regardless of this guy, there are people out there that would love to explore and play with with you with them, So first of all, just like, is so normal that you have and so regardless of their reaction, which we cannot control, I think if you're confident in it and also are just like inviting them into exploring it with you, then the rest is just to see what he does with it.
00:24:13
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:24:15
Speaker 1: So I personally don't like toys by myself, but I love have a friend who loves toys. He will like clean out to use toys, and I'm like that if I'm cleaning out, I want a dick. But you can use toys with me with the partner, So like, partners using toys on me is really fun. I remember I had a guy. It was one of the It was an afternoon sex. It was like eleven am. In the afternoon, and I was downtown, Like you live downtown, So I went downtown like eleven am. And he's fucking me and then he pulls out a bunch of toys and then he starts using these toys on me. And then he's like using the toys. He's like deepeeing me with a toy and his dick. It was to the point, jess I swear to you. We we finished, and then I canceled the rest of my day.
00:25:00
Speaker 2: I went home, out the chocolatees, I closed the blinds, I sat on the couch.
00:25:07
Speaker 1: I like, turn on some TV, and I just like, let my body enjoy itself.
00:25:12
Speaker 2: So toys can really, yeah, do something? Do something?
00:25:15
Speaker 1: Okay, this one says Hi Messi, Mom and Jessica. For most of my life, I froze up in the bedroom. I didn't know what I wanted, and even when I did, I was too afraid or ashamed to say it out loud. My messy question is why is it so hard, especially for women and fems, to speak up about what we want in bed? And how do we start moving from shame to real intimacy.
00:25:37
Speaker 3: I have a lot to say on this.
00:25:38
Speaker 2: Beautiful Let's go I'm ready.
00:25:42
Speaker 3: So I think that, especially as a woman myself, that first of all, growing up, I never realized that my pleasure was valid. And I think so many of us don't know that. We know that sex ends when your male partner has an orgasm. We know that if they aren't that we're probably doing something wrong. But it's really about like giving a blowjob, it's really about servicing the penis and not so much about It's very penis centric, and I mean, and our partners grew up watching the same porn and grew up in the same society that we did, so they also probably think they can, just, for instance, have sex with somebody who has a volva and they will just orgasm from penetration, when so few of us actually orgasm from penetration a lot. We need the literal stimulation. So I think, first that's a big component. We don't even realize it's valid. And then secondly, we don't really know how to explore ourselves. We don't know how, and if we don't explore ourselves, how can we communicate what we like. So I think it's really helped me has been not only realizing, Okay, my pleasure is valid, which amazing partners have helped me realize that. I remember the first time a guy I went down on me twice in a row and I was like I already came and he's like, yeah, I know, And I was like, wait a minute, somebody could love this, like somebody could get off it is their pleasure to give me pleasure with such a game changer. And then once I started to explore myself more and realize that my partner could like it, I think just over time you get more and more confident communicating what you like. But I think it's first knowing your pleasure's valid. Second, understanding all the options that you could get, Like there's as you said, I think sex is so expansive. Pleasure is so expansive. There's a million different things that you could have somebody do to you or that you could do to somebody else. So kind of understanding the menu of options that you have and kind of figuring out what you would like and just say I think it's super sexy when somebody says to you, like, what it is there fantasizing about doing to you or what it is that they you would So I also think.
00:28:01
Speaker 2: To you what you said earlier in your messy's story.
00:28:04
Speaker 1: It's having the uh, what we're going to use, having the audacity and the courage to pick partners who are open to your pleasure. Yes, right, like that you don't have to settle. I think that uh. And I think that women, fems, and bottoms actually have a lot in common because we are receiving the penis, and penis owners can often not always their fault, but just by culture just be centered around themselves. Sex education is centered around just put a condom on, like it's all about the penis, and it's and and for the volve it's like, don't get pregnant. That's like yeah, kind of yeah, but never like what is your pleasure? And and then we start to make the clitterists and the volva complicated and it's like, no, just maybe ask a question, maybe maybe it talk to your partner and see what it is.
00:28:55
Speaker 3: And to your point, I think there's also a big orgasm gap with like between two penis partner is like the bottom, for instance, not having an orgasm as much as the top. I think because they also taking that. I guess it's a heteronormative like narrative that they're then copy pasting on telling.
00:29:11
Speaker 1: You right, like You're like, I'm a whole and I should be grateful that this person wants to fuck me, and I shouldn't have any wants or desires or needs. Yeah, so like even like I shouldn't expect my partner to eat my ass or eat my pussy before they fuck me. And it's like that's kind of like you know, listen, everyone has their thing. But for the most part, when I hear oh, I don't want to eat ass or I don't want to eat pussy, I'm always like, huh, well, are there other things that you want.
00:29:35
Speaker 3: To do to like, you know, warm this up, and do you also expect me to do it?
00:29:40
Speaker 2: And like what do you like? What's the what's the what's the thing.
00:29:44
Speaker 1: But I kind of learned from myself when I finally had a partner who did they just wanted like they want to just eat ass for the longest time and got off on that. I was like, Oh, this is possible, and so it's actually more so about me really a boundary what kind of partners I engage with.
00:30:02
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that and something that's helped me, which people a lot of people are very like not everyone is going to want to do. But I've started recently with newer partners having it's called like it's called the RBDSM top huh. So it's like our stands for relationships, Like is there anyone else that needs to know about this depending on if they're you know, we don't know who. We can't presume somebody's monogamous or not or so relationship status be for boundaries so like, and I think this can be replicated, like no matter how many times you have sex, I mean, maybe you don't want to do this all the time, but like your boundaries shift depending on the night. Maybe with my long term partner, I'm like, okay, today I actually just want like touching. I don't want any penetration, Like I just want intimacy in that way. Yeah, so boundaries desires so like I would really love to feel connected. I would really love to feel you like slowly move your hands up and down. My thought. And I think even the most more specific you get, the sexier that can be than safe sex. How are you having safe sex? And meaning so what do we want this to mean? Is this a one night stand? Is this like, uh, do I want after care after and I think having just start normalizing conversations about intimacy in general. Yes, like and it doesn't need to be in the bedroom, it can be outside the bedroom. But like, the easier you start can integrate these conversations, that's going to set you up for success.
00:31:29
Speaker 2: I can.
00:31:30
Speaker 1: I want one hundred percent agree that, like the time to have the conversation isn't actually when we're about to fuck. Yeah, it's like when we're just like having dinner is like a time to talk about like when the stakes are like low, even if we're like like even if you know it's a hookup run on one of the apps, it's like in that exchange, just being like what turns you on or what do you like or what don't you like? Or what are your boundaries or what are you looking for? Is such a If somebody can't handle that, then that to me is a flag for like cool, This might not be a partner. Doesn't mean they're bad or whatever, but I might not be compatible because I want to be with a partner who's down to have curious, Yeah, curious, who's curious about themselves, curious about me, And even if they don't have an answer, are like open to exploring together, figuring it out, because sometimes people don't know.
00:32:15
Speaker 3: Nottally okay, and I think people get super insecure and so they kind of just shut down the conversation or they say whatever you want, that's like the biggest thing. I've done it too, And I think, oh my god, this person has asked me what do you want? Which is not the way I would necessarily advise somebody to ask the question. But when you say whatever you want or like this is great, like you are not giving them anything to work with, like no information. This person is asking how can I pleasure you? How can I make this experience better for you? And you've got nothing, like yeah, say anything.
00:32:45
Speaker 1: But also I think that there might be some socialization where we're like, oh, I'm not allowed to have totally I'm not allowed to especially for women in fems like I'm not allowed to advocate for myself.
00:32:56
Speaker 2: I should just defer.
00:32:58
Speaker 1: I mean, I one of these I doing this podcast is because I see a lot of relationship podcasts where there's a lot of conversation where like the woman is the wife and like she they are literally saying, you're supposed to bow down to the man.
00:33:11
Speaker 2: I'm like in.
00:33:12
Speaker 1: Twenty twenty five, we're having twenty twenty we're still saying that that's insane. Like, no, like, you get to have autonomy here, you get to have boundaries here, you get to say, oh, like this idea that I wish I could, like remember what podcasts, but I've seen a couple of them where it's like if your man wants to have sex, you should want to have sex. It's like no, no, no, no, no no no, that's that's so toxic and so backwards. You you have the right to consent what happens to your body, and you have the right to say, oh, I'm not desiring anything right now or for me to get to that space where I want to.
00:33:48
Speaker 2: But I need this is what I need.
00:33:49
Speaker 3: Yeah. And also I think like what you're talking about in terms of shutting down sex or like so many of us look at it as black and white, like Okay, we're gonna have sex, which means in course or not. But I think what people miss a lot is like the intimacy. So to be having sex a lot of the times you're the reason it's a no is because you're like not connected to your body. Yes, So there's a million things that you could do with your partner that may or may not lead to sex, that can help you connect, drop be more present, drop into your body more that maybe you do want to end up having sex, but at least you feel intimacy and the least you feel connection. And we never really talk about that. It's always like, oh, I'm always shut down, but okay, you're shut down because it's like, do you want to have sex?
00:34:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think after Branessa Mirin came on the show and said, you know, sex starts, Uh, I'm gonna butcher it. But like sex starts at the end of the last the last round, right like as soon as like it begins again four our four plate. It's our conversation, it's the questions we're asking, it's the fantasies we're sharing. Like all of that leads to then now we're ready. But it's like that I actually used to feel feel shame for needing emotional connection.
00:35:02
Speaker 2: I didn't know.
00:35:03
Speaker 1: I didn't know that I was allowed to need that because emotional connection or intimacy gets categorized as oh, we're going to get married now yeah, or like we have to be in love, and it's like, no, I can be intimate with the person I just met in the dark room. It's just about a connection. It could be that we've danced, it could be that we asked a couple each other a couple of questions. You know, it doesn't have to be, oh, now we're going to move in with each other.
00:35:26
Speaker 3: And I don't know about you, but in dark rooms or space like kink spaces, I've had way better conversations.
00:35:32
Speaker 2: I don't.
00:35:32
Speaker 3: I can't just I don't think everyone has, but like, I've had amazing conversations with somebody I'm never going to see again about like what are we interested in? What are we looking for? Like what does this mean? Like which I'm like, oh, okay, And that's obviously not like neither of you are expecting that to be your life partner, but you're able to have that conversation and it's so nice, it's so lovely.
00:35:54
Speaker 2: It's why I love play parties.
00:35:55
Speaker 1: It's even like going to like a bathhouse because usually there's like space for you all to like lounge or talk and meet somebody and have a conversation and then you go do the funny things. But it's like the funny things, but there's like there's space to connect, and it doesn't mean there's not pressure around it. There's not like, oh again, we need to be in love now. It's just like as humans, who the fuck are you?
00:36:19
Speaker 4: Yeah?
00:36:19
Speaker 2: Fuck am I? And what do you like? And what do I like?
00:36:21
Speaker 1: And now let's go have a good time. And I think that that is not uh we demonize that and it's like, no, that's that's great. You don't have to You're not supposed to be wet or hard at the of a finger. Like you are a human, you are an emotional being, and even if the sex is a hookup, it doesn't mean that you're not an emotional being.
00:36:42
Speaker 3: Right, It doesn't mean you're not going to need aftercare either one thousand or sex. Like I also think in these experiences you're like, yeah, i'd love a text tomorrow, or.
00:36:51
Speaker 4: Like oh this is what I this is what I need.
00:36:53
Speaker 3: Because everyone wants something different and we don't really talk about it.
00:36:57
Speaker 1: Yes, we're afraid to talk about it because we're afraid to scare people off.
00:37:00
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:37:00
Speaker 1: Quite honestly, if a person can't handle a conversation, then scare them. Yeah, they're not like, what are you gonna build with the money?
00:37:08
Speaker 3: You're not going to have like the most mind blowing sex with somebody that you can't have this conversation with period. The question was about women and famis, but I also think I get a lot of submissions from men who have so much fear around sharing that maybe they have they think they're by that maybe they want to be pegged. They're straight, but they want to be pegged like they that they also have a lot of desires that are not being vocalized, and I just think, yeah, it's so sad, like there's just such an opportunity to communicate more with your partner. And of course, like if you're dating now and if the people listening are dating now, you're in a perfect situation because you can start from ground zero and like lay this foundation. But I do think for long term couples it's still possible. It's a little harder because you have to reverse engineer it, but there are ways that you can start to bring this into the relationship and it you know, what you bring.
00:38:04
Speaker 1: Up that's so interesting, Like when you just thought about like straight men and pegging or think that they're by it's like, oh there is for all of us. There's a shame culture, and so I want to acknowledge that one of the reasons it might be scary to advocate for oneself is because you've experienced you've experienced somebody rejecting you or judging you, or critiquing or laughing at you, and so it's easy for me to go, well, then you're not compatible and fuck them.
00:38:31
Speaker 2: But you do have to build to that.
00:38:34
Speaker 1: You do have to like build a confidence in yourself to know that what you're asking for is valid. Yeah, that if you're asking to be pegged, it doesn't mean anything other than you want to be pleasure and pleasure, But how do you get to that confidence? And I think it's in community. I think it's like seeking out other sects. We just said, like, if you're in those kink spaces, those are the spaces where we're having a lot of times the most expansive conversations really because you're around other folks who are sex positive. And so I guess my suggestion would be somebody who's trying to learn how to speak up for themselves is obviously like listening to a podcast like this, but finding other sex positive resources and finding sex positive community so that when you say, oh, I'm interested in this thing, you're going to be met with people who go oh interesting or cool or me too, as opposed to if you're surrounded by people who have a lot of insecurity. Honestly, like the person who's being judgmental, it's really because they're being covert about their own insecurity, right.
00:39:35
Speaker 3: And it is really hard and people you can't like, people might shame you. So it is about I love what you said about building that internal security, but I really have it a lot with my male followers who are talking about, for instance, wanting to be dominated, wanting to be more submissive. But I think I did polls and it was like fifty percent of people with a penis want to be submissive or want to be dominated. So I think like also finding people that can help that also normalize it so that you like, know, okay, well I know at least fifty percent of people I'm like, I am normal, Like like yeah.
00:40:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, well yeah, it's so interesting with men because it becomes about their manhood, it really does.
00:40:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like less so with women.
00:40:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like if you want, if you want to be dombed or you want to submit, now your manhood means something. It means something, and sometimes there are women who will reinforce that as well. So like it's where we're all doing this, we're like from all sides, you know, we.
00:40:42
Speaker 3: Can have to build the flow and one thing. So I just created a toolkit help people, individuals and couples talk about the stuff. So part of it's a pleasure menu with two hundred fifty ideas, Oh my goodness, and also from emotional intimacy through aftercare.
00:40:58
Speaker 2: We'll put this in the show notes.
00:41:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh yeah, and uh, but what I love about that is now now we're not talking about what I want versus you want with like one thing, we're like looking at a whole thing. We're like, let's talk about this whole section, like what are you interested in? And maybe in that section is pegging, and in that section is being more submissive, and in that section is nipple clams what we're talking about. But then it becomes more of a within this greater context. So then it's like, oh, I didn't know you were interested in that. I don't know how I feel about that, But like this one I like too, I don't know there's.
00:41:33
Speaker 2: Or this one I'm curious about, or this one I don't don't have an opinion on it.
00:41:36
Speaker 3: I think maybe it brings an easier way to talk about the scarier ones because you're covering it with things that you feel more comfortable about.
00:41:43
Speaker 1: I think so, yeah, it's like it's it's always helpful when you're like, oh, I read this thing or I heard this thing, what do you think about it?
00:41:50
Speaker 2: And just kind of like pop, oh my gosh.
00:41:53
Speaker 3: I had so many submissions once about arm pitlicking, and I had a partner at the time. I'm like, I never heard of this, and I'm like you, my first verction was gross.
00:42:02
Speaker 4: But then I had like three.
00:42:04
Speaker 3: Of them or four of them, so I'm like, okay. So I texted my boyfriend at the time and I was like, so, armpit looking is apparently a thing, and he just goes all right, cleaner dirty.
00:42:12
Speaker 4: And I'm like, okay, period, like.
00:42:14
Speaker 3: We start clean. But it's just like that is a way to bring it where you hear something on a podcast or can you just say what do you think of this?
00:42:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love a muskie armpit.
00:42:24
Speaker 1: I love yeah, I love it. Workout and then let me see that sniffet. It's my favorite. It's my absolute favorite. I also like in terms of identifying one's own because I really love rbds M so relationships, boundary desire, what's safe sex and meaning yeah beautiful. I use the term BEMA bm A for how to identify your turn on so body, environment moods, so like what part of your body do you want to be touched, licked, sniffed, kissed? The environment is like where do you like to have sex? Is it the kitchen? Is it the bedroom? Is it the alleyway? Is it in the airplane bathroom? What's the mood you want? Which is like, oh, I want certain lighting, or want a playlist, or I want it in the daytime a nighttime. And then the accoutrements like what are the props that you need? So like I want a dildo or I want a butt plug or loop loop you know. But just like being able to and I say to people, if you don't know what turns you on, just start with that little category. As you discover things, add it to your list so that when somebody asks you what turns you on, you go, oh, I would love a Victorian money playlist, or I love when you sniff my my armpits.
00:43:36
Speaker 2: But like just start like sex is expanded.
00:43:39
Speaker 3: I love that.
00:43:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you can't be expected to do everything. So I think we're collecting different tools. And also as you get older, as your body changes, your turn ons are going to change. They might expand, they might shrink, and so like being able to like check in with yourself periodically of like oh I was into that ten years ago, but I'm into it now. Or I wasn't into that but now totally into it.
00:44:01
Speaker 3: And that's why, again, we have to normalize these conversations because they're not a one time thing.
00:44:06
Speaker 2: Not a one time thing, they change. Yeah.
00:44:08
Speaker 1: Yes, I had that conversation with a partner who is like, oh, you should just know and I was like.
00:44:11
Speaker 2: No, we've been to that for a while. And like I would assume that you're growing and evolving, so what you liked when we first got together may be different yeah now, And so like it's important for us to keep talking so we can update our our blueprints.
00:44:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that.
00:44:25
Speaker 2: Bema Bema Yes, so cool, Bema bm A.
00:44:28
Speaker 1: It's a it actually means a platform to talk. Okay, So that's why I like it because you got to talk about your your things seema. Yes, okay, shall we do our one last mess.
00:44:40
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:44:41
Speaker 2: Okay. So it's a speed round of questions.
00:44:42
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm excited.
00:44:43
Speaker 1: A round of questions that you can answer in one word or one sentence.
00:44:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay.
00:44:48
Speaker 1: So first one is what celebrity or fictional character could ruin your life and you'd say thank you?
00:44:54
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
00:44:55
Speaker 2: We kind of talked about this, but I.
00:44:56
Speaker 4: Know I'm not going to say like this.
00:45:00
Speaker 1: It could be a celebrity or a fictional character that can ruin your life and you would say thank you.
00:45:04
Speaker 3: Okay, I really like the guy from Fourth Wing, but I don't know. It's a book. It's a book, okay, fantasy. It's a little bit smutty, but it's like with dragons. Oh yeah, yeah, I'll take the Shadow Wielder okay, lovely, I forget his name.
00:45:20
Speaker 1: Minus Jason Momoa. What's your most controversial food opinion?
00:45:26
Speaker 3: Oh, that it should be eaten on the way home from the grocery store. So I live a three minute walk from the grocery store and I and there's a bridge I crossed from the croy store home and I've never yet in Amsterdam, and I've never not snacked on the way home.
00:45:44
Speaker 1: I love that I love to get a chocolate pikie for the road from Sprouts too, chocolate pikie and get one for the road.
00:45:49
Speaker 2: I've loved that. Or some grapes.
00:45:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, sure it was just like a little like you.
00:45:53
Speaker 2: Have to get some of the grocery store to like in the way.
00:45:56
Speaker 3: Yes, but no, it doesn't even need to be like a nauseable thing. I'll like break open.
00:46:04
Speaker 1: Like, okay, I love I love that. What's your most irrational ick?
00:46:10
Speaker 3: Oh? My most irrational ick. I met this guy once who had kind of small feet, and he told me about it, and then we went rock climb bouldering, and then I just could only ever see him as like he was really tall. I was like off balanced. He was like always in my mind like a bit clumsy and stuff. And I kept thinking of the small feet. They weren't even like that small, but because he told me, it really icked me. That was it?
00:46:36
Speaker 1: So people telling you their footside, is it stresses you out a little bit?
00:46:40
Speaker 2: Or wasall?
00:46:41
Speaker 4: Well, it was just like I think he I don't know, it was just a weird.
00:46:46
Speaker 3: I was like I could only see him like popping around all of a sudden, I'm like, he doesn't seem stable because he told me, he told you, which is sad because it was a vulnerability maybe.
00:46:58
Speaker 1: And then I'm like, sture sometimes sometimes vulnerabilities, you know, but it's an you know, it just can happen.
00:47:05
Speaker 2: It can happen.
00:47:07
Speaker 3: I didn't like him enough, you know, otherwise otherwise fair?
00:47:11
Speaker 1: What is a show you'll defend to the grave even if it doesn't need defending?
00:47:16
Speaker 2: Hacks? I love hat amazing, what a great show.
00:47:20
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I'm just I mean, there's other shows I will defend to the grave, but Hacks just came to mind.
00:47:25
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:47:25
Speaker 3: Also like, yeah, yeah, I like.
00:47:27
Speaker 2: How the ax is great.
00:47:28
Speaker 1: I defend Scandal it doesn't need defending, but I look to the grave. I'll love me some Scandal. I'm watching it again.
00:47:34
Speaker 3: And also like Vampire Dies. Okay if if, if I defend to the grave.
00:47:39
Speaker 4: Now I'm thinking, like, what is it what you brought up Scandal?
00:47:41
Speaker 3: Like it's made me open up to Vampire Diary.
00:47:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, work, I love it. You love a fantasy.
00:47:47
Speaker 4: I know we haven't been like Disney and.
00:47:50
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, I live.
00:47:53
Speaker 1: What's the first song you'd play if you hijack the ox chord?
00:47:56
Speaker 2: Right now?
00:47:57
Speaker 3: Chapel roone.
00:47:58
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I'm go.
00:48:00
Speaker 3: I just feel like that's so like unoriginal Pink Pony Club. You know, the first time I heard that song was a messy story too.
00:48:10
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness.
00:48:11
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:48:12
Speaker 3: I was at a Milkshake which is this amazing queer festival in Amstredam. I was high off of my ass and I was listening to Pink Pony Club at the peak of my high at the stable that they had with hobby horses, and it's a horsehead on a stick and there were little jumps that you could do.
00:48:35
Speaker 4: And there's a video of.
00:48:37
Speaker 3: The first time I ever heard Pink Pony Club of me galloping jumping over the thing and then being taken off with security, like not security, but like with the medics for my ankle. They thought I broke it, but it was just a frame. That's my Pink Pony Club, like our meet cute I love.
00:48:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, if you could whisper one messy piece of advice into the world's ear, what would it be?
00:49:05
Speaker 2: And doesn't have to be deep. It could be deep, it.
00:49:07
Speaker 3: Could oh, life short it desert first.
00:49:11
Speaker 1: Love it t have those cookies. First last question, what do you love most about yourself.
00:49:17
Speaker 3: Oh. I love that I am super passionate about what I do and that I if I don't see something in the world, I make it into reality.
00:49:27
Speaker 2: T Yeah, jess thank you so much for being in our room. We'll see you next time. Great thy.
00:49:48
Speaker 1: Well, you know we are hosts here, but hose with hearts of Before you part ways, let me speak to yours. I just loved this conversation with Jessica. I love talking to somebody else who is incredibly sex positive and also works in the sex space around sex education. It just is always I get to learn so much. So, speaking of which, here are some of my takeaways from the conversation. One from her messy story, trust your instincts that they're an asshole, okay, and you don't have to wait. You know, sometimes, especially again for women, fems, queers, we really try to be or we're rared to be amiable and to not cause a fuss and to see things through rose colored glasses. But you know in your body, You know in your body when something feels off or when the energy isn't quite right. And so I always say you can ask, right because we never know, like people have their own stuff, so you can always ask, hey, are you okay?
00:50:41
Speaker 2: Am I off? Or am I sensing something is off?
00:50:43
Speaker 1: And then see what they say, and based on what they say, like this man who said he was thinking about another girl, you gotta go.
00:50:50
Speaker 2: You gotta go. You don't have to wait, get out of there.
00:50:53
Speaker 1: And I also love when she said it's that feeling of wanting your mom to pick you up from your sleepover, and you don't have to wait for that, like you can pick yourself up. We have autonomy and we get to be in charge about where we are. I love that thing from the Tantra Temple party. Are you still where you want to be? Such a beautiful question I think to ask in any part of our life, like as we're moving, as we're doing things, whether it's in a relationship, whether it's at work, whether it's at a dinner, you know, are you where you want to be? And if the answer is no, what choices can you make to shift that?
00:51:27
Speaker 2: Now?
00:51:28
Speaker 1: In certain circumstances, you may not be able to make the change right away, but at least you're aware of it. At least you're aware of it, and then you can take charge as opposed to either numbing yourself or just kind of being in a perpetual state of unrest without any kind of language for why that unrest exists. You know, I always say this, you know, whether it's I don't know or or you do have an answer, whatever, those answers are beautiful. Curiosity is beautiful. Answers allow us or curiosity allows us to to live the life that we're meant to live, as opposed to living based off of a model that's been handed to us. So even if we don't have the perfect answers for how we feel or how to move differently, at least we're in motion. At least we're in pursuit. And as you know, I think I've said on this show many times, the journey is the goal, progress, process. Those things are just as valuable as the resolution or the answer itself. And finally, I love I love this communication model. Obviously you know Beama. If you've been listening to the show for a while, you know my Beama model, body, environment, moods. But I love this communication rbds M that Jessica offered. When you are talking to a partner, you know, what are the relationships? Are you in any of the relationships? What are you know? Is this the only relationship. A look of a relationship boundaries, desires, safe sex and meaning, and listen, you may not go through you know, like I'm not telling you to. You know, every partner you have give them a survey. But especially when you're like vibing with somebody or you know, this might seems like it might be more than just a one off. You know, it's always good to have a little model of communication in your back pocket so that you make sure that you're aligned. Sometimes we like to ignore things and then we fall deeper and deeper for a person, and then eventually, listen, we don't have to pay that bill at some point, So I always would rather pay the bill at the top, rather ask the questions early on so I can make an informed decision about whether or not this is the right partnership or the right alignment. Then ignore it and get deeper in, and now everything is all tangled up, and I'm like, oh, but I don't desire that, or that actually does cross my boundary, or I want it to mean something different than you wanted to mean. So RBDSM relationships, boundaries, desires, safe sex and meaning.
00:54:11
Speaker 2: What did you learn? What are your.
00:54:14
Speaker 1: Takeaways of course, you can email me at tell Me Something Messy at gmail dot com, and if you ever want to submit a messy story or a question anonymously, you can go to something messy dot com. I love you so much, Thank you so much for listening to Tell Me Something Messy. If you all enjoyed the show, send me episode to someone else you might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins and Yours Truly. Our producer and editor is Vince de Johnny. The video of tell Me Something Messy is produced by Des Lombardo and a special thank you to Natalie Brandam who helps me organize and come up with some of this mess tell Me Something Messy is a production of iHeart Podcasts on the Outspoken Network. For more podcasts, listen on the free iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1: You're listening to tell Me Something Messy with Brandon, Kyle Goodman and iHeart podcasts on the Outspoken Network. Talking about relationships, sex and identity always reminds me that being a human is messy. So I wanted to create a compassionate space where we could feel less alone and embrace our mess together, the funny, the vulnerable, the cringe, and even the kinky. Because every part of who we are matters. So do'll be shy, baby, tell me something messy. Messy patrons, come on, baby, welcome to the show. I am your messy mom, Brandon Kyle Goodman, and you know what that means. It is time for a guest. Now, while they get situated, we will get our messy. Key Key started with a ho manifest stove, so repeat after me aloud or in your head. Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the wisdom to know that sex is not about penetration, the audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck they, for it is better to mass debate by myself in peace then to let someone play in my motherfuck you face. Let the whommunity say holujah. Okay, y'all, Today we have the deliciously unapologetic pen slinging queen of cartoon chaos, Jessica Stall. She's the mind behind Vanilla Cool Dance, the webcomic that will have you laughing, gasping, and texting your best friend. Oh my god, she really drew that. She is here to talk about love, dating, bodies, and every messy, shamefree thing in between. So y'all please help me. Welcome to our messy living room, Jessica Stall, Hi Jazz, Hello.
00:01:36
Speaker 2: To the messy living room. It's quite clean, but we're the mess, so you get it.
00:01:40
Speaker 3: I'm ready to bring the mess.
00:01:41
Speaker 1: Yes, before we get started, we have our messy mandates for our messy Kiki, so things get to be unprocessed. Any opinions shared have the right to shift. Change of all today tomorrow, ten years from now. And if during the Kiki, something feels too personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word foosball, which gives us a moment to pivot and address accordingly.
00:02:00
Speaker 2: I love that, I love a word.
00:02:04
Speaker 1: We started the lou breaker. Yes, okay, so we're gonna play a game of smash or pass. I'm going to give you a prompt. You don't tell me if you smash it or you pass it. Okay, smash your past.
00:02:12
Speaker 2: Morning sex smash. Yeah, in theory for me, it's a smash.
00:02:17
Speaker 1: But because I I dabble in the anal of it all interest, I don't want you and me in the morning like that.
00:02:24
Speaker 3: I have to I have to go to the bathroom right first, but yeah, I get that, and then then.
00:02:28
Speaker 2: Then it's like once a while, like I'm not feeling sexy after, you know, like I need some time.
00:02:32
Speaker 3: So morning night times better.
00:02:34
Speaker 1: Nighttime is a way better for me. Morning sex in theory again is okay. So I heard that once you start douching, you can never not douche again. So I think back in the day before I understood what doucheing was, I could have morning sets and it didn't bug me.
00:02:49
Speaker 2: But now I'm very regular.
00:02:51
Speaker 3: Got it, got it, which is good.
00:02:54
Speaker 1: And I wake up and I was gonna say, tm I, but the show is you know, I have to poop twice before I leave the house.
00:03:03
Speaker 2: So I wake up.
00:03:03
Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm like once a once a day, once a morning.
00:03:07
Speaker 1: Once a morning. I'm twice in the morning at least. Sometimes it'll be three times. It's just crazy at doing I don't it's not fun. But but the fiber intake. Really as soon as I get up, I have my green juice in a little water, and then I'm ready to go. But then I don't leave the house until I have the second one, at least because I because I don't because I don't like to poop in public restrooms, spash pas.
00:03:33
Speaker 4: Fast. I mean, I feel like neither.
00:03:35
Speaker 3: I wouldn't like smash it, but I wouldn't like.
00:03:38
Speaker 4: If I need to go.
00:03:39
Speaker 3: But it's not ideal.
00:03:40
Speaker 2: It's not ideal.
00:03:41
Speaker 3: But I would never like just hold it for hours.
00:03:44
Speaker 2: I would.
00:03:46
Speaker 3: I think there's some.
00:03:47
Speaker 2: Repression there, absolutely repression that I'm comfortable with. I just don't like. I don't, Yeah, I don't. I don't like. I don't like other people. So so I don't like people to hear me.
00:03:58
Speaker 3: And I like to try to think about.
00:04:00
Speaker 2: It, you know, and I like to take my time.
00:04:03
Speaker 1: I'm I'm definitely a girl who's in there, like on the I'm enjoying myself like it's an experience.
00:04:09
Speaker 2: It's an awful experience. I'm trying to make it softer. I wish he did nice lighting. Yeah, give me.
00:04:13
Speaker 1: Some nice lighting, give me some reading material, and I love it. But you can't have that in everyone's public restroom. I also hate to be pooping next to somebody else pooping.
00:04:22
Speaker 2: My god, do that.
00:04:23
Speaker 3: That would be a nightmare.
00:04:25
Speaker 2: Yeah. My heck is I put my headphones in.
00:04:26
Speaker 3: Oh wow, so you have done it before.
00:04:28
Speaker 2: You just rarely.
00:04:31
Speaker 3: Put my headphones in.
00:04:33
Speaker 1: Because I'm like, I don't want to hear what you're doing. I don't want to think about you hearing what I'm doing.
00:04:38
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:04:38
Speaker 1: And then also the worst is because I think about this in the gym, Like if you see somebody hot and you're like, I can't go poop.
00:04:44
Speaker 2: Right now, you know what I'm saying.
00:04:45
Speaker 3: Yeah, I get that.
00:04:46
Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm not gonna go poop because I see me go.
00:04:49
Speaker 3: Then he's going to get thinking about in there.
00:04:50
Speaker 2: Yeah he might. He might, unless well, I guess if he sat down next.
00:04:55
Speaker 1: To the stall, then we would be bonding over the fact that we're both shipping at the gym or in this public space.
00:05:01
Speaker 2: But U suid that doesn't happen, you know what I'm saying.
00:05:03
Speaker 1: Which is why the only reason I would be straight, the only reason I'd be ahead of a sexual is because I would never have to worry about my crush seeing me poop.
00:05:12
Speaker 2: That's a great reason to.
00:05:12
Speaker 3: Be I still get like shy. I'm like, can they hear you from the bedroom? Like, I don't know?
00:05:19
Speaker 4: I get sure?
00:05:21
Speaker 2: Can I take something? I say?
00:05:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, tell me how you like fact check that you leave your phone out there to record it to like check? Can they check?
00:05:29
Speaker 4: Like how would you know?
00:05:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, especially if you're it's a farty poop, I had to, you know, like when you I always say, if your fart smell, you have to poop. People don't believe me, but like if you're if your fart is smelling, girl, you have to go.
00:05:42
Speaker 2: To the bad That makes sense absolutely. If you have a clo it's not you're fine.
00:05:47
Speaker 1: But if if that part smells, it's because it's your body's saying. We got to get the tout. So I went to a hook up and I was topping, but my stomach was gurgly. And then I went into the bathroom and I pee, And sometimes when you pee, it relaxes you, so a little comes out.
00:06:03
Speaker 2: So I farted. I tooted.
00:06:04
Speaker 1: It wasn't loud, but it's smelled. And then I was like, I'm staying here for a second. And then I walked out and I was like, okay, cool, let's get back into it because on top of it, so it doesn't matter.
00:06:13
Speaker 2: But then he decided to go back and I was like, oh lord, and we did. We ignored it.
00:06:17
Speaker 1: But I did hear him go oh, and I was like, yeah, maybe no, come come, come bent over, let me fuck you so funny. Last one smaster pass an excess hot sibling, pass past.
00:06:30
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm going to pass.
00:06:31
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, an excess hot sibling.
00:06:34
Speaker 3: I'm gonna guess. It depends how like, it depends on how.
00:06:36
Speaker 1: It ended, because I could be petty, but I will also pass. But yeah, I'm I'm ana pass. I'm a past messy not sloppy you think. Okay, by the way you won the game, yay, lollipop pick one. There's so many different this season.
00:06:52
Speaker 3: Look like I guess I'm definitely getting a blow.
00:06:54
Speaker 2: Pop or Apple Apple.
00:06:56
Speaker 1: Yes, perfect, I'm gonna take one of these. Okay, you can you can choose to eat on that. Right now, you have to tell me something messy. Okay, So my favorite thing about lollipops is that's my after care. So after I have some good sex, I have lollipop. There's something about something sweet after you come. Highly recommend, highly recommend. Also love a talking to cookie. So Jess, can you tell me something messy?
00:07:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, I can tell you something about please.
00:07:26
Speaker 1: Uh.
00:07:27
Speaker 3: So I recently went to meet a guy I knew in Turkey on a yacht trip with his family for a week.
00:07:38
Speaker 1: Wait, went to Turkey on a yacht trip with this guy's family and we just met.
00:07:44
Speaker 3: We had spent a little bit of time together, but we had connected for a few months, like we met in real life while I was traveling, and he had invited me on this trip and we had been talking for quite a few months. So I thought, okay, let's go.
00:07:58
Speaker 4: And I got off the boat five days early.
00:08:02
Speaker 3: Why Yeah, And that was messy, but I was really proud of myself.
00:08:06
Speaker 1: You got off because it didn't go well.
00:08:09
Speaker 3: Didn't go well. He was sick, which is fine. I don't know if men experienced sickness different and just become not super nice.
00:08:19
Speaker 2: But it was an asshole when he got sick.
00:08:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I think maybe he was just kind of an asshole, but like a small one, but like a it was all too small to really understand what was happening.
00:08:32
Speaker 1: Were like one of the flags, one of your like you're like, oh, this thing he did that was actually asshole.
00:08:37
Speaker 3: Yes, Well, when I had brought up the what was happening and that I didn't feel that we were connecting, and I at this point, I you know, I would not do well on reality TV. This was like a pressure cooker. We're like on a boat trip stuck together. So like my emotions were also quite high. That is like not going well. So I was probably crying and not doing very well. But I communicated like that I feel like we were connecting, and and his reaction was very I'm sick. If I wasn't we would be connecting. I can't connect. I don't have capacity. Also, there was this other girl, and.
00:09:10
Speaker 2: I'm like, there's another girl on the yacht.
00:09:12
Speaker 3: No, not on the yacht, and but apparently there had been. He was not feeling so good about how that had ended. Uh huh, And I think I said, I don't even know what to say, and then he goes, hmm, you could say thank you so much for bringing me on this trip to Turkey and for seeing this beautiful yeah part of the world. I'm so sorry you're sick. I'm so sorry that you're having this difficult time with this other girl, and let's try and make the most of it.
00:09:43
Speaker 1: He was you to say, I was sorry that you have a difficult with another girl when you're the girl in the yacht.
00:09:48
Speaker 2: Okay, okay.
00:09:51
Speaker 3: So I got off.
00:09:53
Speaker 2: Good for you, Good for you, absolutely.
00:09:54
Speaker 3: And then I spent the rest of the week in Turkey.
00:09:58
Speaker 2: So you so you just like made your own play in Turkey.
00:10:02
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:10:02
Speaker 4: I mean it's so funny because when.
00:10:04
Speaker 3: People say, oh, wasn't it scary to get off the boat and like be alone in Turkey, I'm like, that is my I thrive by myself traveling. I'm a huge, shallow traveler. So I felt amazing. To me. The messy part, or the in my mind was that I have worked hard to like become secure, let's say, but I still have that Oh maybe I should wait, Maybe it's not as bad. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe he's actually really a nice guy.
00:10:32
Speaker 4: I let me wait and wait and wait.
00:10:34
Speaker 2: Making these excuses.
00:10:35
Speaker 3: Yes, and also I have to tell eighteen people that I don't know, like I'm getting off the boat, Like, how did that go?
00:10:42
Speaker 2: Did you have dinner? Like I'm out? Was it dramatic?
00:10:46
Speaker 3: No, well, I don't know. I've no idea what happened after I left. I think I woke up that morning and I realized, Okay, we're at port. I don't know the next time, we're going to be like in a town. And I thought, okay, maybe I'm being dramatic. He said he made one or two more small digs at me that morning, and like just like like anything I kind of said was the wrong thing to say, or or yeah, like yeah, just like snappy and and not not so it didn't feel good. They were just like small digs like micro Russians or whatever that like make you feel shitty about yourself. And so he said one more and I was like, you know, I'm getting off. I just said, hey, I'm leaving the boat. He was completely surprised, and and then I just told his family, like.
00:11:40
Speaker 2: Something came up.
00:11:42
Speaker 4: It's crazy, like I have to leave right now.
00:11:45
Speaker 2: Yeah, like gosh, I have to.
00:11:46
Speaker 3: Get up now.
00:11:47
Speaker 2: Maybe did you like the family?
00:11:49
Speaker 3: Did you like the fa They were great?
00:11:50
Speaker 2: They were great.
00:11:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, they were great, Yeah, good for you. Yeah, well I think the Yeah, what do you think? I would never have done that before. So I have been in situations on like years ago. I remember another instance where I was on a uh I think like a third or fourth date and the guy came and he was feeling very tired and he was sharing, oh I'm so tired, and I kind of kept waiting for the date to like get better. We went back to his house, he was still being like, oh, I'm really tired, blah blah. And instead of me leaving and being like, hey you're boring or like hey this isn't fun, let me get out of here, I kind of stayed. And then eventually I said what is going on? And he said I slept with somebody the night before and then he asked me to send.
00:12:34
Speaker 4: Yes.
00:12:34
Speaker 3: He told me dinner was expensive and can I wul I mind paying half the bill?
00:12:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, so at dinner he was taking you out too, Yes, of you. I have heard things and we think we talked about on the show.
00:12:45
Speaker 1: But like people asking like if a date doesn't go well, then they'll they'll ask you a Benmo requests you for half the date or something like that.
00:12:51
Speaker 2: That's yeah, oh, like what if you if you can't afford it?
00:12:55
Speaker 3: Seriously, this is very Dutch. Also, what like what is that about?
00:13:00
Speaker 2: Because you live in Amsterdam.
00:13:00
Speaker 3: I live in Amsterdam, and so I have had many a like TICKI. We have it's like our Venmo many a TICKI scent, like when I'm like, hey, I didn't really feel connection, Okay, here's the tiki or wait yeah I wait.
00:13:13
Speaker 1: So this is like a growing thing that like if somebody pays for a date and then you were like I don't want a second date, they go.
00:13:20
Speaker 2: They could they do you think that's right?
00:13:23
Speaker 3: No? I think it's ridiculous. I think it's ridiculous. And I also think, oh, okay, so you can show face on like a date in public and then behind the scenes you're going to be like you're going to invoice me.
00:13:34
Speaker 2: Yeah that's crazy.
00:13:36
Speaker 3: Yeah, So I don't Yeah, I would rather honestly split on the first date than for the second day or the third date. But yeah, I don't like this idea that they're that if you went out with them again, then they would have kept the Yeah.
00:13:47
Speaker 1: That to me as somebody who like it's a it's a flag that somebody's keeping tabs, and if they're keeping tabs, then I would imagine they're doing it not only financially, but just like kind of everywhere else whereas if I'm looking for goracious, if I'm dating you, I'm hoping that eventually this wie a partnership, and if we're partners, we do things together. And so I'm not not saying that we won't eventually need to figure out what the finances or whatever, but I'm not like getting you back, but at least and go my way.
00:14:15
Speaker 3: True, but at least in that case, like I'm rejecting them. This was like I've had two instances where I'm being rejected and then they invoiced me and I'm like, like this guy slept at the girl the night before, super tired, and then he's like, can you pay for half the bill?
00:14:30
Speaker 2: Wow? Yeah? Fight yeah, fight.
00:14:33
Speaker 3: So I would say I've now graduated because in that situation, I stayed and I waited and I waited, and I always think about that. I'm like, oh my god, and now I got off.
00:14:41
Speaker 2: So good yeah for you, Good for you. Yeah.
00:14:44
Speaker 1: I think when we when we noticed that it's a ref lag, we need to I think love ourselves enough to like piece the fuck out exactly.
00:14:52
Speaker 3: And you know what somebody said that has really stayed with me. They shared that they go to a lot of like Tantra temp nights m M, and they said at some of them, they ask you, like mid engagement in the microphone, they'll be like, are you still where you want to be? Check in with your body? Are you still where you want to be? Yeah? You can change your mind, And so I think in that situation, I'm like, it could be better, like who knows, we don't know, but like, am I still where I want to be in this moment?
00:15:21
Speaker 2: No? This sucks.
00:15:22
Speaker 3: I am out of here. I'm not going to be treated like this.
00:15:24
Speaker 1: That's tea like to be able to check in with your body and be like am I happy right now?
00:15:28
Speaker 2: Or is this where I want to be? Yeah?
00:15:30
Speaker 1: And then taking back the autonomy to make a change and likely, oh I don't have.
00:15:35
Speaker 2: To you know what is?
00:15:36
Speaker 1: I feel like sometimes we're all because we spend our childhood.
00:15:41
Speaker 2: Let's go down this funtain.
00:15:42
Speaker 1: We spend our childhood and we spend our teenage years and our college years being told where to be, when to be there. I think we forget as adults that we have autonomy. Yeah, and so we're like we're stuck in that loop of like, oh, I'm supposed to be here at nine to five, I'm supposed to be at this thing because my mom told me so, because my boss told me so.
00:16:02
Speaker 2: And it's like no, in your life, you don't have to be there.
00:16:05
Speaker 1: You can actually make a decision and go, oh, I don't want I don't want this anymore.
00:16:09
Speaker 2: I can go I can leave.
00:16:10
Speaker 3: Yeah, I remember. I mean this is the feeling of the boat that I think, well you can relate to. It was I was sleeping the night before I left, and I thought, oh my god, I wish my mom could come pick me up, like from my you know, like from a sleepover where you're like, I don't want to be here anything.
00:16:24
Speaker 4: I take myself up.
00:16:25
Speaker 2: I can pick myself and pick myself up from.
00:16:27
Speaker 4: The from the shitty sleepover.
00:16:28
Speaker 1: About absolutely also to that point, like, no, no vacation is worth your peace of mind.
00:16:36
Speaker 4: I could take myself from Turkey.
00:16:40
Speaker 1: Yeah about your Yeah, I'll give fuk about your money. I'll give a fuck about where we are.
00:16:45
Speaker 4: It was like his yah or his money.
00:16:47
Speaker 1: It was like it's.
00:16:50
Speaker 3: Just a family. Which is sorry. I do not want to sound ungrateful. It was super nice to be invited, Yeah, but also like, but.
00:16:57
Speaker 2: You should be treated well when you're Yeah.
00:16:58
Speaker 3: I would feel so bad if I invited somebody on a trip and even if I didn't agree with them, if they were not having a good time, I would feel horrible.
00:17:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'd want to like make it better, even though I was sick. I'd be like, oh, I'm sick right now. We can't engage in this.
00:17:11
Speaker 3: I wish we could.
00:17:13
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:17:13
Speaker 2: Or but also the.
00:17:14
Speaker 1: Fact that there was like another girl involved is and him asking you to have empathy for a complicated relationship with another girl?
00:17:21
Speaker 2: Yeah? Is mental? Is mental?
00:17:23
Speaker 3: Yeah? Yeah?
00:17:24
Speaker 2: Men can be mental. Shall we do some mess email?
00:17:36
Speaker 3: Yes?
00:17:36
Speaker 2: Beautiful.
00:17:38
Speaker 1: As always, your submissions remain anonymous.
00:17:41
Speaker 2: Okay, Jess.
00:17:42
Speaker 1: So this one says I crashed a work event because I thought it was open bar. Turns out it was a retirement party. I left with a gift bag and the retiree's phone number.
00:17:52
Speaker 3: Have you that is amasic?
00:17:55
Speaker 1: Have you ever crashed an event before and then like found a boy.
00:18:00
Speaker 3: I haven't found a boy, but I have crashed like a barmits for before.
00:18:03
Speaker 2: Know how did that happen?
00:18:04
Speaker 3: I think I was like on vacation. I don't think we like crashed very long.
00:18:07
Speaker 2: But but you saw some yeah, and.
00:18:10
Speaker 4: I did not pick up any thirteen year.
00:18:12
Speaker 2: Olds, okayarments, but you saw some good.
00:18:15
Speaker 3: I think we didn't know what it was and then we like approached and then we were boarded once we found out it was an enparments.
00:18:21
Speaker 2: Yeah that's fair.
00:18:22
Speaker 1: I've crashed many a party, but I guess it wasn't really crashing so much as you know, being a plus one and like showing up randomly.
00:18:31
Speaker 3: You were invited.
00:18:33
Speaker 1: Maybe, But I feel like I'm crashing because like I didn't know the host and like it was like like they're not getting approval for me to come.
00:18:43
Speaker 2: It's just like, oh.
00:18:43
Speaker 1: Come with Yeah, and I those are those stressed me out actually, because I always want.
00:18:48
Speaker 2: To be welcome.
00:18:50
Speaker 4: Yeah, I get that.
00:18:52
Speaker 2: I want to you want to know when you're welcomed.
00:18:54
Speaker 1: But I like the idea of crashing and event and picking some money up, especially retire read they got money now saying they got access to that account now just thinking ahead, you know, saying okay, which we love this one, says Jessica and MESSI mom. I had this guy over for the first time, and everything was going great. We were watching a movie, cuddled up. The vibes were immaculate. Then my phone died, so I went to grab my charger from the nightstand, except I opened the wrong drawer and boom, there it was my full collection of toys, loop and things I don't even remember buying. He froze, I panicked, and I just blowed out those are for a friend.
00:19:33
Speaker 2: Oh wow.
00:19:34
Speaker 1: Now I don't know if I should address it, own it or just hope he thinks it was a fever dream.
00:19:38
Speaker 2: What do you think?
00:19:39
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, you should be proud of your joys. This is a.
00:19:43
Speaker 3: Collections you just like put on the Little mer Speaking of Disney, you put on these are a few of my favorite things.
00:19:50
Speaker 4: Do you like do a show and tell?
00:19:52
Speaker 1: Yes? I think if we're fucking and you see I got toys, that to me is exciting, Like.
00:19:58
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, here's what the reaction and what? So did they.
00:20:00
Speaker 1: Say they said you froze, she panicked? Or I'm making assumption. Maybe it was two guys. But the guy froze and then the person who wrote in panicked, And now they don't know if they should address it.
00:20:13
Speaker 2: I think one you address.
00:20:15
Speaker 3: It, definitely addressed.
00:20:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, like otherwise it's like quiet tension.
00:20:18
Speaker 3: Yeah you really? Hey, I know you saw them.
00:20:20
Speaker 4: I saw toys.
00:20:22
Speaker 3: I know you probably don't think that I'm saving them for a friend. I got nervous.
00:20:26
Speaker 4: They're mine. Are you curious in that?
00:20:29
Speaker 3: Like I love using toys in the bedroom. I mean to be fair, I work in the sexual WANTA space. So I have so many toys in my house. I don't know, he's forty thirty wow, four maybe like thirty thirty toys, Yeah, something like that. I have.
00:20:48
Speaker 1: I have four I have, I have I have a dildo about this song. And then I have like which I never use. But it's a kid, you not. It's this fat in this big but like fat and so like we just never get there. I have like the I have a couple of vibrating cock cranings. I have like an anal training plug situation.
00:21:11
Speaker 3: What about like a stroker?
00:21:13
Speaker 1: Okay, so I don't have a stroker, but I'm good. I see I never find anything for my penis satisfied. Like I have a flashlight that I use a couple of times, and now you know it just kind of stays there. Yeah, I don't find anything on my penis.
00:21:28
Speaker 3: Like the sensation you don't like.
00:21:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not, it's not It doesn't do it.
00:21:32
Speaker 1: I would rather just use my hand, okay, but it doesn't like anything that I've used, which I'm so down.
00:21:37
Speaker 2: If y'all got toys to sense and I have a recommendation, okay, beautiful, what's the recommendation?
00:21:42
Speaker 3: Well, I love there's a stroker from fun Factory. Okay, I forget the name of it, to be fair, maybe I liked it more than my boyfriend all the time.
00:21:52
Speaker 2: Okay, but how do you work?
00:21:54
Speaker 3: What was it? What does it look like so that this one looked a little bit like a claw? Okay, and then you go like this with it and I I kind of sat on top. Well I did because I was with them, but like they could also just use it.
00:22:05
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:22:06
Speaker 3: Then there's the EVO from s Vibe okay, and that's I can show you after. But that's really cool because insert of thing. Yeah, we can sort of thing, but it like you can use it so that it does some ball action, or you could do it so that it's on the head like the thing. I'll show you not explaining it very.
00:22:26
Speaker 2: Well, that's right, we'll put well, we'll super yeah.
00:22:29
Speaker 1: I really I've learned that I love a little bit of pain, and so I'm curious about ball clamps. My partner has one that like a cockwork that like attaches to the walls as well, which sounds like it would be exciting. I also want to I'm gonna need to do this nipple clamps.
00:22:46
Speaker 3: I like nipple clamp.
00:22:48
Speaker 1: Really do you like when you are in your partner? I mean, yeah, I love to have my I So I used to have gayana kamastia, which is when you develop extra estrogen and so a male body, it creates a breast issue. So my nipples were sensitive and then I have surgery to have that removed, and then I lost sensation on my nipples.
00:23:07
Speaker 3: But then I don't have any sense really not that much.
00:23:10
Speaker 2: Okay, okay either.
00:23:10
Speaker 3: So that's why I like it.
00:23:11
Speaker 1: Oh that's where look because it feels I pierced my nipple on Christmas.
00:23:16
Speaker 2: Eve a couple of years ago, way to celebrate the birth.
00:23:19
Speaker 1: Of Jesus, and now I have sensation back, and so like, I love having my nipples like squeezed and played with and I want to get a nipple clip. I just bought a handcuffs for my partner because he likes to be restrained. And they're like these fuzzy, fuzzy red ones because you know, I want the because I'm still about like, I don't want.
00:23:37
Speaker 3: Hard nice textures. Yes, textures, but they should definitely like I think, first of all, regardless of this guy, there are people out there that would love to explore and play with with you with them, So first of all, just like, is so normal that you have and so regardless of their reaction, which we cannot control, I think if you're confident in it and also are just like inviting them into exploring it with you, then the rest is just to see what he does with it.
00:24:13
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:24:15
Speaker 1: So I personally don't like toys by myself, but I love have a friend who loves toys. He will like clean out to use toys, and I'm like that if I'm cleaning out, I want a dick. But you can use toys with me with the partner, So like, partners using toys on me is really fun. I remember I had a guy. It was one of the It was an afternoon sex. It was like eleven am. In the afternoon, and I was downtown, Like you live downtown, So I went downtown like eleven am. And he's fucking me and then he pulls out a bunch of toys and then he starts using these toys on me. And then he's like using the toys. He's like deepeeing me with a toy and his dick. It was to the point, jess I swear to you. We we finished, and then I canceled the rest of my day.
00:25:00
Speaker 2: I went home, out the chocolatees, I closed the blinds, I sat on the couch.
00:25:07
Speaker 1: I like, turn on some TV, and I just like, let my body enjoy itself.
00:25:12
Speaker 2: So toys can really, yeah, do something? Do something?
00:25:15
Speaker 1: Okay, this one says Hi Messi, Mom and Jessica. For most of my life, I froze up in the bedroom. I didn't know what I wanted, and even when I did, I was too afraid or ashamed to say it out loud. My messy question is why is it so hard, especially for women and fems, to speak up about what we want in bed? And how do we start moving from shame to real intimacy.
00:25:37
Speaker 3: I have a lot to say on this.
00:25:38
Speaker 2: Beautiful Let's go I'm ready.
00:25:42
Speaker 3: So I think that, especially as a woman myself, that first of all, growing up, I never realized that my pleasure was valid. And I think so many of us don't know that. We know that sex ends when your male partner has an orgasm. We know that if they aren't that we're probably doing something wrong. But it's really about like giving a blowjob, it's really about servicing the penis and not so much about It's very penis centric, and I mean, and our partners grew up watching the same porn and grew up in the same society that we did, so they also probably think they can, just, for instance, have sex with somebody who has a volva and they will just orgasm from penetration, when so few of us actually orgasm from penetration a lot. We need the literal stimulation. So I think, first that's a big component. We don't even realize it's valid. And then secondly, we don't really know how to explore ourselves. We don't know how, and if we don't explore ourselves, how can we communicate what we like. So I think it's really helped me has been not only realizing, Okay, my pleasure is valid, which amazing partners have helped me realize that. I remember the first time a guy I went down on me twice in a row and I was like I already came and he's like, yeah, I know, And I was like, wait a minute, somebody could love this, like somebody could get off it is their pleasure to give me pleasure with such a game changer. And then once I started to explore myself more and realize that my partner could like it, I think just over time you get more and more confident communicating what you like. But I think it's first knowing your pleasure's valid. Second, understanding all the options that you could get, Like there's as you said, I think sex is so expansive. Pleasure is so expansive. There's a million different things that you could have somebody do to you or that you could do to somebody else. So kind of understanding the menu of options that you have and kind of figuring out what you would like and just say I think it's super sexy when somebody says to you, like, what it is there fantasizing about doing to you or what it is that they you would So I also think.
00:28:01
Speaker 2: To you what you said earlier in your messy's story.
00:28:04
Speaker 1: It's having the uh, what we're going to use, having the audacity and the courage to pick partners who are open to your pleasure. Yes, right, like that you don't have to settle. I think that uh. And I think that women, fems, and bottoms actually have a lot in common because we are receiving the penis, and penis owners can often not always their fault, but just by culture just be centered around themselves. Sex education is centered around just put a condom on, like it's all about the penis, and it's and and for the volve it's like, don't get pregnant. That's like yeah, kind of yeah, but never like what is your pleasure? And and then we start to make the clitterists and the volva complicated and it's like, no, just maybe ask a question, maybe maybe it talk to your partner and see what it is.
00:28:55
Speaker 3: And to your point, I think there's also a big orgasm gap with like between two penis partner is like the bottom, for instance, not having an orgasm as much as the top. I think because they also taking that. I guess it's a heteronormative like narrative that they're then copy pasting on telling.
00:29:11
Speaker 1: You right, like You're like, I'm a whole and I should be grateful that this person wants to fuck me, and I shouldn't have any wants or desires or needs. Yeah, so like even like I shouldn't expect my partner to eat my ass or eat my pussy before they fuck me. And it's like that's kind of like you know, listen, everyone has their thing. But for the most part, when I hear oh, I don't want to eat ass or I don't want to eat pussy, I'm always like, huh, well, are there other things that you want.
00:29:35
Speaker 3: To do to like, you know, warm this up, and do you also expect me to do it?
00:29:40
Speaker 2: And like what do you like? What's the what's the what's the thing.
00:29:44
Speaker 1: But I kind of learned from myself when I finally had a partner who did they just wanted like they want to just eat ass for the longest time and got off on that. I was like, Oh, this is possible, and so it's actually more so about me really a boundary what kind of partners I engage with.
00:30:02
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that and something that's helped me, which people a lot of people are very like not everyone is going to want to do. But I've started recently with newer partners having it's called like it's called the RBDSM top huh. So it's like our stands for relationships, Like is there anyone else that needs to know about this depending on if they're you know, we don't know who. We can't presume somebody's monogamous or not or so relationship status be for boundaries so like, and I think this can be replicated, like no matter how many times you have sex, I mean, maybe you don't want to do this all the time, but like your boundaries shift depending on the night. Maybe with my long term partner, I'm like, okay, today I actually just want like touching. I don't want any penetration, Like I just want intimacy in that way. Yeah, so boundaries desires so like I would really love to feel connected. I would really love to feel you like slowly move your hands up and down. My thought. And I think even the most more specific you get, the sexier that can be than safe sex. How are you having safe sex? And meaning so what do we want this to mean? Is this a one night stand? Is this like, uh, do I want after care after and I think having just start normalizing conversations about intimacy in general. Yes, like and it doesn't need to be in the bedroom, it can be outside the bedroom. But like, the easier you start can integrate these conversations, that's going to set you up for success.
00:31:29
Speaker 2: I can.
00:31:30
Speaker 1: I want one hundred percent agree that, like the time to have the conversation isn't actually when we're about to fuck. Yeah, it's like when we're just like having dinner is like a time to talk about like when the stakes are like low, even if we're like like even if you know it's a hookup run on one of the apps, it's like in that exchange, just being like what turns you on or what do you like or what don't you like? Or what are your boundaries or what are you looking for? Is such a If somebody can't handle that, then that to me is a flag for like cool, This might not be a partner. Doesn't mean they're bad or whatever, but I might not be compatible because I want to be with a partner who's down to have curious, Yeah, curious, who's curious about themselves, curious about me, And even if they don't have an answer, are like open to exploring together, figuring it out, because sometimes people don't know.
00:32:15
Speaker 3: Nottally okay, and I think people get super insecure and so they kind of just shut down the conversation or they say whatever you want, that's like the biggest thing. I've done it too, And I think, oh my god, this person has asked me what do you want? Which is not the way I would necessarily advise somebody to ask the question. But when you say whatever you want or like this is great, like you are not giving them anything to work with, like no information. This person is asking how can I pleasure you? How can I make this experience better for you? And you've got nothing, like yeah, say anything.
00:32:45
Speaker 1: But also I think that there might be some socialization where we're like, oh, I'm not allowed to have totally I'm not allowed to especially for women in fems like I'm not allowed to advocate for myself.
00:32:56
Speaker 2: I should just defer.
00:32:58
Speaker 1: I mean, I one of these I doing this podcast is because I see a lot of relationship podcasts where there's a lot of conversation where like the woman is the wife and like she they are literally saying, you're supposed to bow down to the man.
00:33:11
Speaker 2: I'm like in.
00:33:12
Speaker 1: Twenty twenty five, we're having twenty twenty we're still saying that that's insane. Like, no, like, you get to have autonomy here, you get to have boundaries here, you get to say, oh, like this idea that I wish I could, like remember what podcasts, but I've seen a couple of them where it's like if your man wants to have sex, you should want to have sex. It's like no, no, no, no, no no no, that's that's so toxic and so backwards. You you have the right to consent what happens to your body, and you have the right to say, oh, I'm not desiring anything right now or for me to get to that space where I want to.
00:33:48
Speaker 2: But I need this is what I need.
00:33:49
Speaker 3: Yeah. And also I think like what you're talking about in terms of shutting down sex or like so many of us look at it as black and white, like Okay, we're gonna have sex, which means in course or not. But I think what people miss a lot is like the intimacy. So to be having sex a lot of the times you're the reason it's a no is because you're like not connected to your body. Yes, So there's a million things that you could do with your partner that may or may not lead to sex, that can help you connect, drop be more present, drop into your body more that maybe you do want to end up having sex, but at least you feel intimacy and the least you feel connection. And we never really talk about that. It's always like, oh, I'm always shut down, but okay, you're shut down because it's like, do you want to have sex?
00:34:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think after Branessa Mirin came on the show and said, you know, sex starts, Uh, I'm gonna butcher it. But like sex starts at the end of the last the last round, right like as soon as like it begins again four our four plate. It's our conversation, it's the questions we're asking, it's the fantasies we're sharing. Like all of that leads to then now we're ready. But it's like that I actually used to feel feel shame for needing emotional connection.
00:35:02
Speaker 2: I didn't know.
00:35:03
Speaker 1: I didn't know that I was allowed to need that because emotional connection or intimacy gets categorized as oh, we're going to get married now yeah, or like we have to be in love, and it's like, no, I can be intimate with the person I just met in the dark room. It's just about a connection. It could be that we've danced, it could be that we asked a couple each other a couple of questions. You know, it doesn't have to be, oh, now we're going to move in with each other.
00:35:26
Speaker 3: And I don't know about you, but in dark rooms or space like kink spaces, I've had way better conversations.
00:35:32
Speaker 2: I don't.
00:35:32
Speaker 3: I can't just I don't think everyone has, but like, I've had amazing conversations with somebody I'm never going to see again about like what are we interested in? What are we looking for? Like what does this mean? Like which I'm like, oh, okay, And that's obviously not like neither of you are expecting that to be your life partner, but you're able to have that conversation and it's so nice, it's so lovely.
00:35:54
Speaker 2: It's why I love play parties.
00:35:55
Speaker 1: It's even like going to like a bathhouse because usually there's like space for you all to like lounge or talk and meet somebody and have a conversation and then you go do the funny things. But it's like the funny things, but there's like there's space to connect, and it doesn't mean there's not pressure around it. There's not like, oh again, we need to be in love now. It's just like as humans, who the fuck are you?
00:36:19
Speaker 4: Yeah?
00:36:19
Speaker 2: Fuck am I? And what do you like? And what do I like?
00:36:21
Speaker 1: And now let's go have a good time. And I think that that is not uh we demonize that and it's like, no, that's that's great. You don't have to You're not supposed to be wet or hard at the of a finger. Like you are a human, you are an emotional being, and even if the sex is a hookup, it doesn't mean that you're not an emotional being.
00:36:42
Speaker 3: Right, It doesn't mean you're not going to need aftercare either one thousand or sex. Like I also think in these experiences you're like, yeah, i'd love a text tomorrow, or.
00:36:51
Speaker 4: Like oh this is what I this is what I need.
00:36:53
Speaker 3: Because everyone wants something different and we don't really talk about it.
00:36:57
Speaker 1: Yes, we're afraid to talk about it because we're afraid to scare people off.
00:37:00
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:37:00
Speaker 1: Quite honestly, if a person can't handle a conversation, then scare them. Yeah, they're not like, what are you gonna build with the money?
00:37:08
Speaker 3: You're not going to have like the most mind blowing sex with somebody that you can't have this conversation with period. The question was about women and famis, but I also think I get a lot of submissions from men who have so much fear around sharing that maybe they have they think they're by that maybe they want to be pegged. They're straight, but they want to be pegged like they that they also have a lot of desires that are not being vocalized, and I just think, yeah, it's so sad, like there's just such an opportunity to communicate more with your partner. And of course, like if you're dating now and if the people listening are dating now, you're in a perfect situation because you can start from ground zero and like lay this foundation. But I do think for long term couples it's still possible. It's a little harder because you have to reverse engineer it, but there are ways that you can start to bring this into the relationship and it you know, what you bring.
00:38:04
Speaker 1: Up that's so interesting, Like when you just thought about like straight men and pegging or think that they're by it's like, oh there is for all of us. There's a shame culture, and so I want to acknowledge that one of the reasons it might be scary to advocate for oneself is because you've experienced you've experienced somebody rejecting you or judging you, or critiquing or laughing at you, and so it's easy for me to go, well, then you're not compatible and fuck them.
00:38:31
Speaker 2: But you do have to build to that.
00:38:34
Speaker 1: You do have to like build a confidence in yourself to know that what you're asking for is valid. Yeah, that if you're asking to be pegged, it doesn't mean anything other than you want to be pleasure and pleasure, But how do you get to that confidence? And I think it's in community. I think it's like seeking out other sects. We just said, like, if you're in those kink spaces, those are the spaces where we're having a lot of times the most expansive conversations really because you're around other folks who are sex positive. And so I guess my suggestion would be somebody who's trying to learn how to speak up for themselves is obviously like listening to a podcast like this, but finding other sex positive resources and finding sex positive community so that when you say, oh, I'm interested in this thing, you're going to be met with people who go oh interesting or cool or me too, as opposed to if you're surrounded by people who have a lot of insecurity. Honestly, like the person who's being judgmental, it's really because they're being covert about their own insecurity, right.
00:39:35
Speaker 3: And it is really hard and people you can't like, people might shame you. So it is about I love what you said about building that internal security, but I really have it a lot with my male followers who are talking about, for instance, wanting to be dominated, wanting to be more submissive. But I think I did polls and it was like fifty percent of people with a penis want to be submissive or want to be dominated. So I think like also finding people that can help that also normalize it so that you like, know, okay, well I know at least fifty percent of people I'm like, I am normal, Like like yeah.
00:40:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, well yeah, it's so interesting with men because it becomes about their manhood, it really does.
00:40:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like less so with women.
00:40:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like if you want, if you want to be dombed or you want to submit, now your manhood means something. It means something, and sometimes there are women who will reinforce that as well. So like it's where we're all doing this, we're like from all sides, you know, we.
00:40:42
Speaker 3: Can have to build the flow and one thing. So I just created a toolkit help people, individuals and couples talk about the stuff. So part of it's a pleasure menu with two hundred fifty ideas, Oh my goodness, and also from emotional intimacy through aftercare.
00:40:58
Speaker 2: We'll put this in the show notes.
00:41:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh yeah, and uh, but what I love about that is now now we're not talking about what I want versus you want with like one thing, we're like looking at a whole thing. We're like, let's talk about this whole section, like what are you interested in? And maybe in that section is pegging, and in that section is being more submissive, and in that section is nipple clams what we're talking about. But then it becomes more of a within this greater context. So then it's like, oh, I didn't know you were interested in that. I don't know how I feel about that, But like this one I like too, I don't know there's.
00:41:33
Speaker 2: Or this one I'm curious about, or this one I don't don't have an opinion on it.
00:41:36
Speaker 3: I think maybe it brings an easier way to talk about the scarier ones because you're covering it with things that you feel more comfortable about.
00:41:43
Speaker 1: I think so, yeah, it's like it's it's always helpful when you're like, oh, I read this thing or I heard this thing, what do you think about it?
00:41:50
Speaker 2: And just kind of like pop, oh my gosh.
00:41:53
Speaker 3: I had so many submissions once about arm pitlicking, and I had a partner at the time. I'm like, I never heard of this, and I'm like you, my first verction was gross.
00:42:02
Speaker 4: But then I had like three.
00:42:04
Speaker 3: Of them or four of them, so I'm like, okay. So I texted my boyfriend at the time and I was like, so, armpit looking is apparently a thing, and he just goes all right, cleaner dirty.
00:42:12
Speaker 4: And I'm like, okay, period, like.
00:42:14
Speaker 3: We start clean. But it's just like that is a way to bring it where you hear something on a podcast or can you just say what do you think of this?
00:42:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love a muskie armpit.
00:42:24
Speaker 1: I love yeah, I love it. Workout and then let me see that sniffet. It's my favorite. It's my absolute favorite. I also like in terms of identifying one's own because I really love rbds M so relationships, boundary desire, what's safe sex and meaning yeah beautiful. I use the term BEMA bm A for how to identify your turn on so body, environment moods, so like what part of your body do you want to be touched, licked, sniffed, kissed? The environment is like where do you like to have sex? Is it the kitchen? Is it the bedroom? Is it the alleyway? Is it in the airplane bathroom? What's the mood you want? Which is like, oh, I want certain lighting, or want a playlist, or I want it in the daytime a nighttime. And then the accoutrements like what are the props that you need? So like I want a dildo or I want a butt plug or loop loop you know. But just like being able to and I say to people, if you don't know what turns you on, just start with that little category. As you discover things, add it to your list so that when somebody asks you what turns you on, you go, oh, I would love a Victorian money playlist, or I love when you sniff my my armpits.
00:43:36
Speaker 2: But like just start like sex is expanded.
00:43:39
Speaker 3: I love that.
00:43:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you can't be expected to do everything. So I think we're collecting different tools. And also as you get older, as your body changes, your turn ons are going to change. They might expand, they might shrink, and so like being able to like check in with yourself periodically of like oh I was into that ten years ago, but I'm into it now. Or I wasn't into that but now totally into it.
00:44:01
Speaker 3: And that's why, again, we have to normalize these conversations because they're not a one time thing.
00:44:06
Speaker 2: Not a one time thing, they change. Yeah.
00:44:08
Speaker 1: Yes, I had that conversation with a partner who is like, oh, you should just know and I was like.
00:44:11
Speaker 2: No, we've been to that for a while. And like I would assume that you're growing and evolving, so what you liked when we first got together may be different yeah now, And so like it's important for us to keep talking so we can update our our blueprints.
00:44:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love that.
00:44:25
Speaker 2: Bema Bema Yes, so cool, Bema bm A.
00:44:28
Speaker 1: It's a it actually means a platform to talk. Okay, So that's why I like it because you got to talk about your your things seema. Yes, okay, shall we do our one last mess.
00:44:40
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:44:41
Speaker 2: Okay. So it's a speed round of questions.
00:44:42
Speaker 3: Okay, I'm excited.
00:44:43
Speaker 1: A round of questions that you can answer in one word or one sentence.
00:44:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay.
00:44:48
Speaker 1: So first one is what celebrity or fictional character could ruin your life and you'd say thank you?
00:44:54
Speaker 3: Oh my god.
00:44:55
Speaker 2: We kind of talked about this, but I.
00:44:56
Speaker 4: Know I'm not going to say like this.
00:45:00
Speaker 1: It could be a celebrity or a fictional character that can ruin your life and you would say thank you.
00:45:04
Speaker 3: Okay, I really like the guy from Fourth Wing, but I don't know. It's a book. It's a book, okay, fantasy. It's a little bit smutty, but it's like with dragons. Oh yeah, yeah, I'll take the Shadow Wielder okay, lovely, I forget his name.
00:45:20
Speaker 1: Minus Jason Momoa. What's your most controversial food opinion?
00:45:26
Speaker 3: Oh, that it should be eaten on the way home from the grocery store. So I live a three minute walk from the grocery store and I and there's a bridge I crossed from the croy store home and I've never yet in Amsterdam, and I've never not snacked on the way home.
00:45:44
Speaker 1: I love that I love to get a chocolate pikie for the road from Sprouts too, chocolate pikie and get one for the road.
00:45:49
Speaker 2: I've loved that. Or some grapes.
00:45:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, sure it was just like a little like you.
00:45:53
Speaker 2: Have to get some of the grocery store to like in the way.
00:45:56
Speaker 3: Yes, but no, it doesn't even need to be like a nauseable thing. I'll like break open.
00:46:04
Speaker 1: Like, okay, I love I love that. What's your most irrational ick?
00:46:10
Speaker 3: Oh? My most irrational ick. I met this guy once who had kind of small feet, and he told me about it, and then we went rock climb bouldering, and then I just could only ever see him as like he was really tall. I was like off balanced. He was like always in my mind like a bit clumsy and stuff. And I kept thinking of the small feet. They weren't even like that small, but because he told me, it really icked me. That was it?
00:46:36
Speaker 1: So people telling you their footside, is it stresses you out a little bit?
00:46:40
Speaker 2: Or wasall?
00:46:41
Speaker 4: Well, it was just like I think he I don't know, it was just a weird.
00:46:46
Speaker 3: I was like I could only see him like popping around all of a sudden, I'm like, he doesn't seem stable because he told me, he told you, which is sad because it was a vulnerability maybe.
00:46:58
Speaker 1: And then I'm like, sture sometimes sometimes vulnerabilities, you know, but it's an you know, it just can happen.
00:47:05
Speaker 2: It can happen.
00:47:07
Speaker 3: I didn't like him enough, you know, otherwise otherwise fair?
00:47:11
Speaker 1: What is a show you'll defend to the grave even if it doesn't need defending?
00:47:16
Speaker 2: Hacks? I love hat amazing, what a great show.
00:47:20
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I'm just I mean, there's other shows I will defend to the grave, but Hacks just came to mind.
00:47:25
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:47:25
Speaker 3: Also like, yeah, yeah, I like.
00:47:27
Speaker 2: How the ax is great.
00:47:28
Speaker 1: I defend Scandal it doesn't need defending, but I look to the grave. I'll love me some Scandal. I'm watching it again.
00:47:34
Speaker 3: And also like Vampire Dies. Okay if if, if I defend to the grave.
00:47:39
Speaker 4: Now I'm thinking, like, what is it what you brought up Scandal?
00:47:41
Speaker 3: Like it's made me open up to Vampire Diary.
00:47:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, work, I love it. You love a fantasy.
00:47:47
Speaker 4: I know we haven't been like Disney and.
00:47:50
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, I live.
00:47:53
Speaker 1: What's the first song you'd play if you hijack the ox chord?
00:47:56
Speaker 2: Right now?
00:47:57
Speaker 3: Chapel roone.
00:47:58
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I'm go.
00:48:00
Speaker 3: I just feel like that's so like unoriginal Pink Pony Club. You know, the first time I heard that song was a messy story too.
00:48:10
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness.
00:48:11
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:48:12
Speaker 3: I was at a Milkshake which is this amazing queer festival in Amstredam. I was high off of my ass and I was listening to Pink Pony Club at the peak of my high at the stable that they had with hobby horses, and it's a horsehead on a stick and there were little jumps that you could do.
00:48:35
Speaker 4: And there's a video of.
00:48:37
Speaker 3: The first time I ever heard Pink Pony Club of me galloping jumping over the thing and then being taken off with security, like not security, but like with the medics for my ankle. They thought I broke it, but it was just a frame. That's my Pink Pony Club, like our meet cute I love.
00:48:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, if you could whisper one messy piece of advice into the world's ear, what would it be?
00:49:05
Speaker 2: And doesn't have to be deep. It could be deep, it.
00:49:07
Speaker 3: Could oh, life short it desert first.
00:49:11
Speaker 1: Love it t have those cookies. First last question, what do you love most about yourself.
00:49:17
Speaker 3: Oh. I love that I am super passionate about what I do and that I if I don't see something in the world, I make it into reality.
00:49:27
Speaker 2: T Yeah, jess thank you so much for being in our room. We'll see you next time. Great thy.
00:49:48
Speaker 1: Well, you know we are hosts here, but hose with hearts of Before you part ways, let me speak to yours. I just loved this conversation with Jessica. I love talking to somebody else who is incredibly sex positive and also works in the sex space around sex education. It just is always I get to learn so much. So, speaking of which, here are some of my takeaways from the conversation. One from her messy story, trust your instincts that they're an asshole, okay, and you don't have to wait. You know, sometimes, especially again for women, fems, queers, we really try to be or we're rared to be amiable and to not cause a fuss and to see things through rose colored glasses. But you know in your body, You know in your body when something feels off or when the energy isn't quite right. And so I always say you can ask, right because we never know, like people have their own stuff, so you can always ask, hey, are you okay?
00:50:41
Speaker 2: Am I off? Or am I sensing something is off?
00:50:43
Speaker 1: And then see what they say, and based on what they say, like this man who said he was thinking about another girl, you gotta go.
00:50:50
Speaker 2: You gotta go. You don't have to wait, get out of there.
00:50:53
Speaker 1: And I also love when she said it's that feeling of wanting your mom to pick you up from your sleepover, and you don't have to wait for that, like you can pick yourself up. We have autonomy and we get to be in charge about where we are. I love that thing from the Tantra Temple party. Are you still where you want to be? Such a beautiful question I think to ask in any part of our life, like as we're moving, as we're doing things, whether it's in a relationship, whether it's at work, whether it's at a dinner, you know, are you where you want to be? And if the answer is no, what choices can you make to shift that?
00:51:27
Speaker 2: Now?
00:51:28
Speaker 1: In certain circumstances, you may not be able to make the change right away, but at least you're aware of it. At least you're aware of it, and then you can take charge as opposed to either numbing yourself or just kind of being in a perpetual state of unrest without any kind of language for why that unrest exists. You know, I always say this, you know, whether it's I don't know or or you do have an answer, whatever, those answers are beautiful. Curiosity is beautiful. Answers allow us or curiosity allows us to to live the life that we're meant to live, as opposed to living based off of a model that's been handed to us. So even if we don't have the perfect answers for how we feel or how to move differently, at least we're in motion. At least we're in pursuit. And as you know, I think I've said on this show many times, the journey is the goal, progress, process. Those things are just as valuable as the resolution or the answer itself. And finally, I love I love this communication model. Obviously you know Beama. If you've been listening to the show for a while, you know my Beama model, body, environment, moods. But I love this communication rbds M that Jessica offered. When you are talking to a partner, you know, what are the relationships? Are you in any of the relationships? What are you know? Is this the only relationship. A look of a relationship boundaries, desires, safe sex and meaning, and listen, you may not go through you know, like I'm not telling you to. You know, every partner you have give them a survey. But especially when you're like vibing with somebody or you know, this might seems like it might be more than just a one off. You know, it's always good to have a little model of communication in your back pocket so that you make sure that you're aligned. Sometimes we like to ignore things and then we fall deeper and deeper for a person, and then eventually, listen, we don't have to pay that bill at some point, So I always would rather pay the bill at the top, rather ask the questions early on so I can make an informed decision about whether or not this is the right partnership or the right alignment. Then ignore it and get deeper in, and now everything is all tangled up, and I'm like, oh, but I don't desire that, or that actually does cross my boundary, or I want it to mean something different than you wanted to mean. So RBDSM relationships, boundaries, desires, safe sex and meaning.
00:54:11
Speaker 2: What did you learn? What are your.
00:54:14
Speaker 1: Takeaways of course, you can email me at tell Me Something Messy at gmail dot com, and if you ever want to submit a messy story or a question anonymously, you can go to something messy dot com. I love you so much, Thank you so much for listening to Tell Me Something Messy. If you all enjoyed the show, send me episode to someone else you might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins and Yours Truly. Our producer and editor is Vince de Johnny. The video of tell Me Something Messy is produced by Des Lombardo and a special thank you to Natalie Brandam who helps me organize and come up with some of this mess tell Me Something Messy is a production of iHeart Podcasts on the Outspoken Network. For more podcasts, listen on the free iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you you get your podcasts.
