You Are Not Broken: Reclaiming Yourself After Trauma with Jenna Rae McWatters

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You're listening to Vancouver co Op Radio cfr OH one
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hundred point five FM. We're coming to you from the
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unseated traditional territories of the Squamish, Muscream and Slighway tooth
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nations around Vancouver, BC. I'm your host, Bernardine Fox, and
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this is this show that dares to change how we
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think about mental health. Welcome to Rethreading Madness.
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We have ever been fir.
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No, what the hell I'm gonna do.
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When I can't see a fine away.
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Under over.
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You're listening to Rethreading Madness on Vancouver co Op Radio
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cfr OH one hundred point five FM. I'm Bernardine Fox
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and today I have the pleasure of speaking with Jenna
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Ray McWaters from Australia. Jenna was very helpful in making
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sure my time zone we're right and that we both
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ended up on air at the same time. I'm not
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good at that stuff, but she was perfect with it.
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Jenna is a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, so I'm
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going to let people know that we are going to
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be talking about that and it may be triggering if
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you need to take a break or you know, and
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come back and listen to it. At another time. That's fine,
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don't worry about I want you to do whatever you
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need to do to take care of yourself in this timeframe.
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I think we're getting to a place though, in society
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where talking about childhood trauma and sexual trauma is not
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shouldn't be such a huge thing anymore. God knows, the
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world is talking about it. So welcome Jenna.
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Thank you. I'm very excited to be here. Thank you
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for having me.
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You're welcome. I invited you on because of your Instagram
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profile and your page. It was not just talk talking
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about trauma. It was coming from a very empowered place
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and I want that on this radio. So can you
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tell us a little bit about yourself, give us a
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bio that we can we can understand who you are from.
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Yeah. Sure, So. I suppose my advocacy work comes from
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a very deep personal part of me. I am very,
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very dedicated to really sharing with the world, but moreso
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with survivors and victims that sort of heal and quiet,
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just to let them know that they're not alone, that
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this is very normal, and all the things that they
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feel and all the things that they move through. We're
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all feeling that too. Or I'm feeling that too, and
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so I really want to create this safe space. So
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that's part of my I suppose the personal side of
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me from a business perspective, and I suppose it ties in.
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I'm currently at the end part of building out a
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typology system that connects the mind and the body, and
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it's going to be called Inner World Mechanics, and so
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I've been spending the last three years building that out,
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and it's sort of all interconnects with my advocacy work
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and just helping people understand that this is very human,
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is very normal, unfortunately, and to just come back to
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south connect with self, I think is very important. So yeah,
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I spend every single day going deep working on the
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business side, but also starting to become more vocal on
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my Instagram page as my own healing allows it.
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Can you explain typology system to us?
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Yeah? Sure. So typology is really more of like a
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psychological framework that sort of places you into certain ways
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of the personality or the way that you think. However,
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as I've been working through my own journey, I found
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in culture there seems to be a big split between
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people who think from the mind and then people who
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think from the body, and we have this perception that
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they're separate, where my belief is that they're one and
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the same. And so that my topology system actually helps
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people understand their own inner mechanics and how they process
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information through the mind and the body, and it actually
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helps them create tools to actually meet themselves deeper, meet
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their ego, meet their shadow, but also learn how to
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meet their shadow from a place of deep self compassion
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and understanding, because I believe there's a lot of goodness there.
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I think we see the shadow as the yucky parts
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of us, which is true they are, but those parts
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can turn into guides and be the deepest activations for us.
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And I think for people who have been through a
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lot of trauma, especially when it comes to or not
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specially but when it comes to child sexual abuse, child
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sex trafficking, there's a lot of stuff in our shadow
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that have been deeply repressed, and the world sees it
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as taboo as well. So we sort of go along
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with that inner world mechanics, which is what I'm creating.
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I hope to be able to give people the tools
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to meet themselves, decide who they are, how they operate,
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and really start stripping back all the masks and the
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cultural masks that they've had to wear and really meet themselves.
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Mm hmm. That sounds fascinating. You come to this through trauma,
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and quite serious childhood trauma. Can you talk about that
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a little bit?
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Yeah? Sure. So from the ages of about fourteen to sixteen,
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I was a victim or a survivor of child sex trafficking.
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So I fell into, I suppose, what a lot of
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people think is sexpert but I now understand that that's
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not what it is. I was severely groomed by a
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lot of older men around me and fell into a
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little syndicate of girls that were doing this type of work.
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And I suppose moving, I suppose back a little bit.
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Finding myself there felt natural. It didn't feel unnormal. No
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one else was not doing this around me. I didn't
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really know any different. It didn't feel wrong or bad.
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Maybe there were parts of me deep down inside that
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sort of understand stood that this was wrong, but this
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is what the adults were like around me, and this
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is what they expected of me. So I didn't really
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know any different. And so yeah, a lot of what
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I advocate for now really is, yes, to bring awareness
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around this, but I truly believe that if we're going
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to be able to stop this, we actually have to
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heal ourself as adults to actually have the tools to
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be able to raise bitter to raise safer, more stable
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children and safer environments.
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So, of course I'm in North America and we're really
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still from the Epstein Files and what has happened. Who's
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been a part of that. How's the Epstein Files reached
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into Australia. I know they've you know, the people that
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have been named in it, have been identified in it
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do reach into different countries, and I don't know whether
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or not that's been true in Epstein Files yet in Australia.
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I think over here in Australia and New Zealand, and
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I say this with so much self compassion, is we
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have what is called tall poppy syndrome. And what tall
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poppy syndrome is is if one poppy grows taller than
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the rest of them, it gets cut down. And we
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do have a lot of repression when it comes to
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drug and alcohol abuse, especially inside, you know, because we
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do have very strong indigenous cultures here in Australia and
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New Zealand as well, and so there's just so much repression,
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a lot of addiction, and I feel like we're not
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as far and I feel like, though I'm seeing online
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a lot of women saying to speak up a lot
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more rarely about their experiences, I do feel that we
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are behind unfortunately, though there are people speaking up. But
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in terms of the Epstein files, it it's definitely foult here.
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It definitely I feel planted seeds in me to speak
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up more, to recognize myself and those girls because for
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a long time I didn't think that I was abused.
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I believe that I was completely in control, and seeing
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that mirror my life was confronting but what I needed,
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and so I believe it is making a big impact.
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I feel like we'll feel the ripple effects a little
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bit later on in the years to come. Though Yeah,
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it's just something that happens over here. It's an Australia
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or New Zealand thing. Anyone who's from any those countries
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that are hearing me will understand. I do feel like
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there's a lot of movement here though, I really do,
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And that's just part of the struggle is facing people
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who you know they I don't want you to speak up,
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or there's just like the repression, or a lot of
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of the collective being unhealed and still in that victim
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state instead of that more open, receptive state. And I
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think it's just going to take a lot more people
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speaking up and being real and honest about their experience
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from a place of their own healing that will allow
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people to be a lot more open to hearing it,
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because I feel when you share these type of topics
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child sexual abuse, child sex trafficking, child survival, sex, or
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anything in relation to this, there's a lot of anger
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and frustration, especially because what I've noticed even on my
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platform is that there's a lot of misunderstanding that I'm
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placing the blame on two men, or I'm placing the
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blame onto other people when I'm just sharing my experience.
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I'm just sharing what happened to me. I believe that
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healing has to be done everywhere for everybody. It's not
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as simple as men are the men are the problem.
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They're a part of the problem. But for me, I
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try and look at, Okay, where is this all steaming from?
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Because everyone does something for a reason, and there is never, ever,
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ever an excuse for what happened to me. And I
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know that I'm a victim now, and I understand that,
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but I feel that there's deeper healing in all collectives
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that we need to do to actually come to more
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of a harmonious state. If that makes sense.
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Yes, of course it does. You made a distinction, I think,
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between child trafficking and child survival sex.
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Yeah, so I've been a victim of both. I suppose
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that's very complex because what you could probably say that
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it is just child sex trafficking. But I've been in
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spaces where I've obviously allowed myself to be abused or
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put with myself. Put myself in those situations because in
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my mind, I believed I needed somewhere to live, I
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needed money, and I needed food. But now, as an adult,
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when I look back at that, I know that I
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was never in control and I didn't know what I
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was doing, and I was actually being groomed, and I
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understand that now. And then there were stretches of my
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younger years where I was actively getting paid for what
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was happening to me, and it wasn't anything massive. It
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was fifty dollars a bottle of moonshine, a packet of cigarettes.
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But then there was also times where it was nothing.
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It was just I could be walking down the street
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at the age of fourteen and you know, at the
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amount of men, and I don't think people realize that
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stop and try and get me in their car. It
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would it would blow people's minds. It's not a like
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the random man. It's so common. Men would stop and
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ask me if I'm okay, and they would put on
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this father figure. But then I would be end up
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getting abused in the backseat of their car anyway, and
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then they would drop me at a petrol station or
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drop me somewhere, you know, And it was yes, So
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I suppose there is a difference, but they are also
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so deeply interconnected at the same time. I suppose it's
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what you resonate with it. At the end of the day,
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it's still all equally you know, abusive, there's.
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No oh absolutely, I of course people are going to
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ask where we your parents?
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Yeah, so I ran away from home when I was
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fourteen years old. I went back maybe once for a
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few stons, but then by then I was so out
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of control that my parents just couldn't I couldn't coexist
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with them in the same vicinity without you know, big
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fights breaking out. I grew up in quite an abusive home.
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My dad was very abusive physically to me and my sister,
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but also very physically sexually abusive to my mum. I
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grew up in quite a dangerous space. Parties, a lot
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of sexual abuse happening around me, a lot of alcohol,
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a lot of drugs. My house when I was younger
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was the druggy house. It was where everyone came to
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get their drugs. It was the party house. My mum
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was very disconnected from me. I didn't really have her
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present in my life. And I feel my mom, who
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I love so so so deeply, she also had a
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really hard upbringing, and I maybe being the oldest child,
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I just you know, I copped it. I copped it
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from her in all ways that you could demean a
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little girls. Where my relationship with my mom landed. When
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I was younger, my dad would beat my mom severely.
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The things I've seen my dad do to my mom
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still it still I still can't fathom that. And so
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coming from that type of childhood, it really messed with
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me psychologically, deeply, deeply messed with me. I didn't understand boundaries,
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I didn't understand love. I didn't understand love separate to violence,
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and it really Yeah, it messed me up deeply as
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a child, and so my parents were big survivors and
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they raised me in that.
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I find that this idea, that of not understanding love,
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and I think that's really an important thing to talk about.
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When you are a child who's come out of deep trauma,
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you know within your family, you your understanding of love
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is completely messed with, and you end up in adulthood
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you can walk right by people who love you because
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you have no idea that that's what they're doing. It
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just isn't making sense. It's not landing. It's like you
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don't have a receptor in your brain that say, yes,
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that's love, and so we end up gravitating, excuse me,
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gravitating towards things that are harmful because that's what we know,
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that's what was normalized for us. So it's an important
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thing to talk about, how you know, some you know,
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I think people think that if you just love a
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child who's gone through that, that that's going to make
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all the difference, And of course it does, but that
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doesn't mean that child is going to even be able
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to recognize that that's what that is yeah.
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I one hundred percent agree with that. I have such
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a big soft spot for teenage girls. I just I
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love sitting down and talking to them and listening to them.
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And you know, maybe it's part of my own healing
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that I just tend to gravitate to young girls that
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have been through quite a lot. And I find with
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a lot of the girls that I do sit with
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and do talk to, the one thing I notice is
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that they just want to be seen and understood without
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being controlled. Is one thing I notice with the with
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the girls that I set with to be to not
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be controlled, but to be understood and seen. And I
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feel when I reflect back on myself as a teenager,
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because I was absolutely not present while also being so
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in tuned with my instincts, I was super super chaotic,
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and I look back and I'm like, at that point,
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I probably wouldn't have been able to be helped, and
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the only person that was ever really going to help
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me at that point was going to be myself, because
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the trauma was still so raw and so real, and
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my brain was still so severely damaged by being physically abused,
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you know, in my childhood home and witnessing extreme acts
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of violence that there's really nothing a rational person could
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have said to me. Then I would end up in
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homes with people that I would sit at the dinner
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table with them, and I could tell that they had
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the best like intent with me to try and make
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me feel safe and to try and you know, look
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after me because my dad was in hospital because he
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got stabbed or you know, and I wasn't allowed at
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my mum's because for you know, my parents didn't get
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along and stuff like that. So I don't have to
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go to like these I don't know that foster homes,
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like Halfway foster homes, and I could tell the people
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there wanted to help me, but I just felt so
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indifferent towards them. It was almost like they were the enemy.
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That's how it felt, because I grew up with my
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father who didn't like anyone, you know, obviously that were
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doing well or healthy and healed. I suppose it must
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have triggered something within him and so normal stabilized people
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that were doing well like that was bad, that was wrong,
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and they felt when I think about it now, I'm
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like they felt like the enemy. And I would run
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away from every single every single place I got put
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into I ran away.
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From We just need to take a little break, Jenna,
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but stay with us, folks. We're going to come back
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and continue this incredible conversation with Jenna. We'll be right back.
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Turn it up. Qui get Euon's Queen Sna Hi, everybody,
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my name is Qui get Yuon's. I'm a member of
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the Squamish Nation and the Yagolanis Klan of the Hyda Nation.
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You're listening to co Op Radio CFRO one hundred point
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five FM. We live, work plate and broadcast from the
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traditional ancestral and unseeded territories of the Muskiham, Squamish and
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Slay with Tooth nations.
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You're listening to Rethreading Madness on Vancouver cap Radio CFR
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one hundred point five FM. I'm Bernardine Fox and I'm
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speaking with Jenna Ray McWaters from Australia talking about her
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experience of being trafficked as a child and what that's
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left her with and where she is now. One of
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the things that you talk about, Jenna, is very clearly
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is that you weren't a child prostitute, or you weren't
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a child sexual I'm sorry, a child sex worker. You
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were being trafficked, you were being harmed, and it's such
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a weird thing that we have to say. But you know,
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with the Epstein Files going on, we see it all
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the time, people saying these young adult women, but really
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they were sixteen or fourteen, just like you, and that
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those people are not adults, they are children and they
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are protected by the law here in that you cannot
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consent to sex in that way. So I just wanted
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to talk a little bit about that and the work
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that you're doing around that. One of the things that
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you have mentioned in your Instagram post is the concept
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of hypersexuality. Can you talk a little bit about what
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that is. It's not something they talk about a lot
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up here in North America, so I really want to
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be clear about what it is and where you're coming
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from with it.
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Yeah. Sure, So I can only share what it means
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for me and my experience, because I feel like hypersexuality
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has a lot of forms to it. So I can
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only share my experience. But for me, it was the
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constant seeking out of stimulus, the constant seeking out of
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if I be really raw and open, it stems from
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having to listen to my mum be raped by my
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father for a lot of the time, and I feel
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that that's actually where it all stemmed from. For me,
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was getting really confused about what sex was because it
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came with violence, and I suppose because as a young
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girl my brain was so severely damaged my survival instincts,
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it all started to mish together, and I believe that
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I was trying to now as an adult, when I
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look at that young girl, she was trying to make
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sense of it. And when I was going through my
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addiction to sex or hyper sexuality, it wasn't for six.
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It was to almost replay my childhood. And that might
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be really uncomfortable for people to hear, but I really
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really really struggled in my childhood home and it left
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me quite psychologically damaged, and seeking sex out was actually
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a form of me being belittled as well, So addicted
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to being abused, addicted to being belittled, probably by men
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that rarely reminded me of my father, and I've had
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to really sit with the shame of that and what
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that meant. So whenever I struggled in life, it was
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sex that was going to fix it. Whenever I felt overstimulated,
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it was sex that was going to fix it. It
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was the intensity of it. It really did something to
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my nervous system. It activated my nervous system. It made
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me feel It made me really start bringing up all
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of those deeper, darker emotions that I wasn't consciously processing.
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And it's not until i've actually you've been able to
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look back at my as a woman now, as an
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older woman, and realize all of this. It was definitely
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tied to a lot of taboo, unspoken psychological miss that
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was in my mind. It really had nothing to do
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with the men. It had all to do with how
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I perceived myself, my childhood.
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I was trying to understand absolutely. And you know, if
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you took sex out of that that story you just
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said and how you recounted it, and we just talk
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about reenactments or we were reenacting trauma, but we'd leave
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the sex out, every psychologist in the world would go,
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of course, that makes absolute sense. Every person on the
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planet would say, of course, that makes absolute sense, because
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we reenact our trauma all the time. We picked the
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same people, we go through the same life scripts, YadA YadA.
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But the moment you add sex to it, like you're saying,
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it becomes taboo, and it's how changes it so that
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people aren't able to cope in the same way with
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understanding it. Were you this hard question? Sorry, but were
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you sexually traumatized as a child before you were being trafficked?
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So when I grew up. So the answer is yes,
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when I grew up. And I do have to be
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mindful when I say this because I am speaking of
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other people, but yes, I was by close family members. Also,
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because sex was such a open topic the children and
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my family, we didn't really have boundaries, so we were
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kind of doing things to each other. And I think
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people don't talk enough about sexual abuse that happens between child.
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No, they don't. They don't talk about that practically at all.
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Yeah, and so that was a very lived experience for
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I feel, all of us kids. And so that was
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actually my first experience of sexual abuse was from family
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members that were of similar age to me. My father
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never touched me, and I think that was something that
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I really was And this might not make sense to people,
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but I carried for a long time that there must
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be something inherently broken with me because my dad never
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touched me in a sexual way. But growing up with
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my dad, he was very open sexually about his life
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with me, and I was learning things from my dad
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about private areas and what he would do to women
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from like the age of five and so On top
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of that, my uncle went to jail for abusing his
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daughter very, very intimately, which really confused me even more.
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The amount of sexual abuse that was actually happening within
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my family was so significant that it was just almost
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like normal.
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That's what it sounds like. It sounds like it was
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normalized within the family, and for you to then be,
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you know, exploited by other amounts outside your family in
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a trafficking situation, that would feel just as normal on
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some level. I would think, am I wrong or right?
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Or in my own no, No, that's one hundred percent
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it was. I feel me trying to understand it. And
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there have been times where I have told men to
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leave me alone. So I was about ten and my
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mum was a lot of sexual harassment from my mum's partners.
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Nothing ever went further, unfortunately, but I was older. Unfortunately,
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there was other women, young girls of my family that
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did get sexually abused by these men, but they did
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try with me, and I remember lying on the floor
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watching TV and an old partner of my mom's stood
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over me, and I went to try and move because
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I was on my tummy, and he locked his legs
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around me, and I just knew, I knew, I knew
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what was going to happen. And I thank God for
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my courage in that moment, and I just turned around.
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I looked at him and I said, if you touch me,
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I'm going to tell my dad. Like I said it
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so loudly at him. And that's the thing that I've
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always struggled with is I've never been a girl with
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a quiet voice. I've never been afraid of what I
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should be afraid of. And so I've had to really
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work with the more vulnerable parts of me because for
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so long I believed, like no, I was never abused.
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This is my belief for so much of my life.
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I've never been raped. I've never been sexually abused. I
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am strong and it was my choice, but deep down
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inside I carried a lot of shame, which, thank thank god,
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I found. I found a little keyhole to come back
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to myself. But yeah, sexual sexual abuse, sexualization, sex and
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violence was just a part of my household, a part
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of my extended family and so you couldn't really, I
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suppose escape it. You couldn't. It was just a part
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of life. I wouldn't know any different.
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No, And I don't think you're alone in that idea
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of having come through what you came through and still
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trying to say none of that ever happened to me.
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I was never I was never sexually assaulted. I always
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I was always in control. I mean that giving your childhood, Jenna,
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that would be a way of protecting your psyche, of
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protecting your sense of I'm going to be okay. Even
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embracing sexuality in the face of trauma could be seen
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as a way of empowering yourself in that moment to
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survive that moment. Am I making sense?
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No? Yeah, that makes one hundred percent. For so long,
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I was like that never happened to me. I was
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never groomed. I was extremely smart. I was a street
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smart kid, and I really believed this. And I've had
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to do a lot of work, and I'm a big
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lover of parts therapy. It's a big foundation that's actually
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helped me with my CPTSD. But I really worked with
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the part of me that was a victim, and I've
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really learned to embrace her and advocate for her. And
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I have no resistance now to say I am a survivor,
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but I was also a victim, and I don't see
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that as being weak. I see that as advocating for
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the young girl within me that didn't have the childhood
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she deserved and didn't have anyone ever step in and
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remove me from that. And now I get to advocate
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for that part of me and allow her to take
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a back seat and not have to protect me in
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her ways that she was anymore. She just gets to
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be a child. But I'm that's something that I really
482
00:33:09.400 --> 00:33:13.559
is really big for me. My advocacy work is. Victim
483
00:33:13.720 --> 00:33:15.960
isn't a bad word. It doesn't make you weak, it
484
00:33:16.000 --> 00:33:19.200
doesn't make you moany, it doesn't make you oh, here
485
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:21.599
we go. It's a victim mindset. Oh you know, it's
486
00:33:21.640 --> 00:33:26.440
not that. We were just children and we deserve we
487
00:33:26.480 --> 00:33:29.680
deserve self, We deserve to self advocate for ourself.
488
00:33:29.759 --> 00:33:35.480
Now it is funny, how it's not funny, I take
489
00:33:35.519 --> 00:33:41.599
that back. It's actually shocking how the word victim becomes
490
00:33:41.599 --> 00:33:46.440
something that ellis its shame for people when you haven't
491
00:33:46.440 --> 00:33:51.880
done anything in it In some ways really is sort
492
00:33:51.880 --> 00:33:59.480
of a screaming billboard about how we pathologize trauma and
493
00:33:59.519 --> 00:34:03.519
how we take people who've been traumatized and then say
494
00:34:03.680 --> 00:34:07.599
you have a mental health challenge because you've been traumatized,
495
00:34:07.799 --> 00:34:12.000
and somehow the offender in that equation ends up being
496
00:34:13.280 --> 00:34:15.840
not held accountable. In the same way, it seems to
497
00:34:15.880 --> 00:34:19.559
me that people who are victimized are the ones who
498
00:34:20.440 --> 00:34:23.920
end up bearing the responsibility of it. So many times
499
00:34:24.639 --> 00:34:28.719
you mentioned that you were being shamed for what happened
500
00:34:28.719 --> 00:34:32.480
to you, and I want to ask who is shaming you.
501
00:34:32.559 --> 00:34:37.039
I'm not suggesting you start naming people necessarily, but in
502
00:34:37.159 --> 00:34:41.199
terms of the different players in our society, which are
503
00:34:41.239 --> 00:34:44.079
the people that are shaming you? Where are they coming from?
504
00:34:44.880 --> 00:34:47.480
So if I think about right now, when I took
505
00:34:47.559 --> 00:34:52.679
this leap of faith to start posting online like the
506
00:34:52.719 --> 00:34:54.519
way that I am, which is I try and be
507
00:34:54.559 --> 00:34:59.039
as raw as I can and respectful at the same time,
508
00:34:59.480 --> 00:35:05.800
I find that a large group it is men that
509
00:35:06.119 --> 00:35:13.400
tend to really attack me and shame me. And I again,
510
00:35:13.480 --> 00:35:17.079
I'm not a believer in saying that, oh, okay, all
511
00:35:17.159 --> 00:35:21.519
men are bad though that's a very complex conversation. Probably
512
00:35:21.599 --> 00:35:24.840
not for this, For this, you know that's a big conversation,
513
00:35:24.960 --> 00:35:29.639
but it is mostly men that shame me for being
514
00:35:30.320 --> 00:35:37.199
a hoe, for you know, spreading my legs, for not
515
00:35:37.239 --> 00:35:40.400
doing better, for making bad choices. I had one comment
516
00:35:40.440 --> 00:35:45.519
tell me that I child traffic to myself and what
517
00:35:45.719 --> 00:35:49.679
I gain. I had to turn off one of the
518
00:35:49.719 --> 00:35:52.000
comments on one of my videos because I found its
519
00:35:52.039 --> 00:35:55.639
way to the wrong side of the elethogram. And it
520
00:35:55.719 --> 00:35:58.000
was the reason why I turned it off is because one,
521
00:35:58.199 --> 00:36:01.039
I have to be able to look after my own
522
00:36:01.199 --> 00:36:04.719
mental health. And as much as people say, oh, you know,
523
00:36:04.800 --> 00:36:10.119
you've got to learn how to you know, not let
524
00:36:10.159 --> 00:36:15.360
it affect you, I refuse to repress. And so I
525
00:36:15.400 --> 00:36:18.719
was like, no, this is affecting me. So I muted it.
526
00:36:18.760 --> 00:36:21.360
But when I sat back and looked at all the comments,
527
00:36:21.400 --> 00:36:27.440
what I generally see is a lot of people who
528
00:36:27.519 --> 00:36:33.639
have been victimized in their own way, whether it's through
529
00:36:33.960 --> 00:36:39.199
sexual abuse themselves, through society, through their own trauma. And
530
00:36:39.519 --> 00:36:45.079
I'm not saying it's okay for how they talk, it's not.
531
00:36:46.800 --> 00:36:49.239
But I just see the deeper root of things is
532
00:36:49.280 --> 00:36:52.159
that there's just so much disconnection from our inner world,
533
00:36:53.280 --> 00:36:57.000
and so as they're projecting shame onto me. I'm veryware
534
00:36:57.079 --> 00:37:00.320
that it's actually their shame, but because I carry shame
535
00:37:00.360 --> 00:37:05.320
within myself, it's now activating my own shame. And what
536
00:37:05.400 --> 00:37:08.039
I realized in that moment is that it's not my
537
00:37:08.159 --> 00:37:12.480
responsibility to teach these people to listen, they're clearly already
538
00:37:12.559 --> 00:37:16.639
learning something from me because I've activated them, but they
539
00:37:16.800 --> 00:37:20.079
have activated shame and me, and that's where that's where
540
00:37:20.079 --> 00:37:23.599
I do the work for myself, and that's where I
541
00:37:23.639 --> 00:37:28.199
get to be self compassionate and self nurturing to my
542
00:37:28.400 --> 00:37:32.920
to my shame and integrate my shame. And that's that
543
00:37:33.079 --> 00:37:35.679
is why I can keep tuning up online and speaking
544
00:37:35.679 --> 00:37:38.320
from is the most grounded place I can so.
545
00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:42.519
Phenomenal what you're doing. We just need to take a
546
00:37:42.559 --> 00:37:45.320
little break, Jenna. I'm sorry, I know I just interrupted you,
547
00:37:45.440 --> 00:37:48.039
but we just need to take a little break and
548
00:37:48.079 --> 00:37:51.159
we'll be right. Black Fox with this incredible conversation with Jenna.
549
00:37:57.920 --> 00:38:03.119
Radio one m Vancouver's community radio station for fifty years
550
00:38:04.920 --> 00:38:09.719
with great local music, arts, public affairs, many languages, and
551
00:38:09.760 --> 00:38:14.000
all kinds of great stuff. Support us for a spring
552
00:38:14.039 --> 00:38:17.920
membership drive troublew co opradio dot org and learn how
553
00:38:17.960 --> 00:38:18.559
to become a member.
554
00:38:18.639 --> 00:38:21.199
Today you're listening to Reathreading Madness on Vancouver co Op
555
00:38:21.280 --> 00:38:25.119
Radio CFR one hundred point five FM. I'm Bernardine Fox
556
00:38:25.199 --> 00:38:29.679
and I'm having a conversation with Jenna ray McWaters from
557
00:38:29.719 --> 00:38:34.519
Australia about her experience of being trafficked as a child
558
00:38:35.039 --> 00:38:38.519
and also her advocacy that she's doing and how she's
559
00:38:38.599 --> 00:38:41.400
moved through this stuff. And honestly, Jenna, you've done an
560
00:38:41.400 --> 00:38:47.119
incredible job. You know, it's amazing to hear you talk
561
00:38:47.159 --> 00:38:50.079
about where you're at right now, knowing where you come from.
562
00:38:50.159 --> 00:38:52.760
As you explained in the last two sections, one of
563
00:38:52.840 --> 00:38:55.599
the things that you were talking about was the comments
564
00:38:55.679 --> 00:38:59.000
and how you had to shut them off at some point,
565
00:38:59.119 --> 00:39:01.199
and I absolutely agree with that. But I think it
566
00:39:01.280 --> 00:39:04.039
is also really important that we talk about that a
567
00:39:04.039 --> 00:39:09.360
little bit, because you know what is happening on some level,
568
00:39:09.840 --> 00:39:12.719
and you're right, people are coming with their own projections
569
00:39:13.360 --> 00:39:16.440
and they probably have some history with this on some
570
00:39:16.639 --> 00:39:21.440
level that is propelling them to or compelling them to
571
00:39:22.119 --> 00:39:25.000
make these comments. But these comments are I read some
572
00:39:25.079 --> 00:39:28.719
of them. They're really horrible. One of them said that
573
00:39:29.760 --> 00:39:32.400
it was you know, probably your fault because you're lying
574
00:39:32.440 --> 00:39:36.559
about your age or it's a voluntary abuse of sex.
575
00:39:36.920 --> 00:39:40.239
I mean, my god, you were fourteen or sixteen. It's
576
00:39:40.320 --> 00:39:45.639
unbelievable what people are saying. And one saying that horrorism,
577
00:39:46.079 --> 00:39:49.239
which is a new word to me, is caused by
578
00:39:49.400 --> 00:39:55.239
childhood trauma. These are people that really truly have no
579
00:39:55.360 --> 00:40:00.079
compassion and are really cut off from themselves to be
580
00:40:00.119 --> 00:40:01.880
able to make those kinds of comments.
581
00:40:03.719 --> 00:40:07.320
Yeah. And when I see that, and I won't lie
582
00:40:07.440 --> 00:40:12.280
that that particular post went really not my most viral,
583
00:40:12.320 --> 00:40:17.440
but it went viral and the wrong way. When I
584
00:40:17.480 --> 00:40:19.920
take a step back and I look at that, they
585
00:40:21.360 --> 00:40:28.039
do lack compassion, but they lack self compassion. And when
586
00:40:28.199 --> 00:40:35.119
we have an ego that's so tightly constructed on what
587
00:40:35.280 --> 00:40:40.280
they are, anything that is outside of that sits in
588
00:40:40.320 --> 00:40:44.800
their shadow, but it controls them. And so they have
589
00:40:44.960 --> 00:40:48.760
these big emotional waves when they see content like mine,
590
00:40:49.320 --> 00:40:52.440
and then their shadow takes over and they're just unconsciously
591
00:40:53.559 --> 00:40:58.920
in my comment section, and I just think to myself, good, good,
592
00:40:59.440 --> 00:41:02.960
I'm glad. I'm glad that I'm activating you. And I
593
00:41:03.000 --> 00:41:06.079
hope that you see more content like this so that
594
00:41:06.159 --> 00:41:09.000
you become more and more activated, because whatever's going on
595
00:41:09.800 --> 00:41:11.760
is coming up for you for a reason, because you're
596
00:41:11.800 --> 00:41:15.000
not talking about me, You're just sharing your inner world
597
00:41:15.039 --> 00:41:19.400
with me tourism. That's your inner world, not mine. I
598
00:41:20.039 --> 00:41:23.840
don't accept that, and so it's taken me a long
599
00:41:23.880 --> 00:41:25.960
time to get to the space where I can deeply
600
00:41:26.079 --> 00:41:31.440
understand people. And I have, believe it or not, a
601
00:41:31.480 --> 00:41:36.440
lot of self compassion and understanding for those people because
602
00:41:36.480 --> 00:41:38.679
I can't imagine what it's like to live their life.
603
00:41:39.239 --> 00:41:42.760
They must be very deeply sad. And I feel a
604
00:41:42.800 --> 00:41:49.280
lot of these projections that I get with my comments
605
00:41:49.559 --> 00:41:57.840
is it's yeah, the system misogyny. It's so deeply embedded.
606
00:41:57.880 --> 00:41:59.840
I mean, you can grow up and have it perfectly
607
00:42:00.159 --> 00:42:02.840
full life and grew up to be a misogynistic male
608
00:42:03.320 --> 00:42:07.280
because of the system that we live in. And it's
609
00:42:07.320 --> 00:42:09.920
going to take us a really, really long time to
610
00:42:10.159 --> 00:42:15.559
decondition from all of this. And I genuinely, truly, with
611
00:42:15.679 --> 00:42:19.719
my whole heart, believe that self compassion, true genuine self
612
00:42:19.760 --> 00:42:23.119
compassion is the key, because when you're able to humble
613
00:42:23.159 --> 00:42:27.679
to yourself and to your own ego and find pure,
614
00:42:28.000 --> 00:42:31.239
deep self compassion for yourself, you can see your pain
615
00:42:31.280 --> 00:42:35.599
and other people and you can have love and boundaries.
616
00:42:37.599 --> 00:42:39.239
That's a big thing for me.
617
00:42:39.519 --> 00:42:42.440
It is, And one of the things I say on
618
00:42:42.519 --> 00:42:45.800
this program a lot is that I really do believe
619
00:42:45.840 --> 00:42:48.719
that the most healing thing we can do for other
620
00:42:48.719 --> 00:42:52.159
people is simply accept them how they come, who they are.
621
00:42:53.480 --> 00:42:57.159
And what you're talking about is accepting some people who
622
00:42:57.320 --> 00:43:01.000
are really cruel to you. That the fact that you
623
00:43:01.000 --> 00:43:03.639
can get there, the fact that you can look at
624
00:43:03.679 --> 00:43:07.440
them and see that they are truly trying to hurt
625
00:43:07.480 --> 00:43:11.159
you but have compassion for them, is a very grown
626
00:43:11.239 --> 00:43:13.920
up thing to be able to get to, and not
627
00:43:14.039 --> 00:43:18.400
many people get there. And I also want to say
628
00:43:18.400 --> 00:43:20.199
that one of the things that I like about what
629
00:43:20.199 --> 00:43:25.360
you're doing is that you're not really in a society
630
00:43:25.400 --> 00:43:30.199
that likes to only with women take us into you know,
631
00:43:30.239 --> 00:43:32.599
you're either the horror or the madonna. Right, you're either
632
00:43:32.960 --> 00:43:37.559
the virtuous woman who is doing whatever virtuous women do.
633
00:43:37.639 --> 00:43:39.840
I'm not quite sure I know what that is when
634
00:43:39.840 --> 00:43:42.719
I start talking, But you're the whore. You know, you're
635
00:43:42.760 --> 00:43:47.960
the person that is not deemed as worthy to do
636
00:43:48.000 --> 00:43:53.480
anything but service other people sexually. And you're not going
637
00:43:53.519 --> 00:43:59.199
there and you're healing. You're not somebody who is coming
638
00:43:59.199 --> 00:44:04.840
through that healing and somehow being you know, some reenacted
639
00:44:04.960 --> 00:44:11.719
or reconstructed virgin. You are embracing your sexuality and you
640
00:44:11.840 --> 00:44:14.320
use it in terms of how you talk about this
641
00:44:14.360 --> 00:44:17.320
stuff and your healing, and I'm hoping that you can
642
00:44:17.360 --> 00:44:19.119
talk a little bit about how you got there.
643
00:44:20.880 --> 00:44:23.559
Yeah, you know, it's so fascinating. Thank you so much
644
00:44:23.559 --> 00:44:25.920
for saying that, because you know, I was pondering on
645
00:44:25.960 --> 00:44:29.440
this as I was writing some content the other day
646
00:44:29.599 --> 00:44:34.480
actually exactly about this, that the way that I heal
647
00:44:34.559 --> 00:44:38.800
my hypersexuality is not now try and become the archetype
648
00:44:38.920 --> 00:44:43.599
of innocence or the archetype of you know, of purity.
649
00:44:43.760 --> 00:44:48.559
Because one thing about feminine energy I suppose, if we're
650
00:44:48.599 --> 00:44:52.400
talking about healing that part of ourselves, is that I
651
00:44:52.440 --> 00:44:58.760
see feminine energy as like the grass, the wind, the ocean.
652
00:44:59.559 --> 00:45:03.039
You know, we're all different aspects, and it's we're all
653
00:45:03.079 --> 00:45:05.880
of them all together. We can be the ocean, and
654
00:45:05.920 --> 00:45:08.599
we can be a blade of brass. You know. It's
655
00:45:09.719 --> 00:45:13.119
learning that we're all. We have the capacity to be all.
656
00:45:13.719 --> 00:45:19.000
And I am so done trying to fit myself into boxes.
657
00:45:19.880 --> 00:45:23.199
If I'm really gonna heal myself, I have to accept all.
658
00:45:23.639 --> 00:45:27.559
I'm all things, and it's not been easy because it
659
00:45:27.679 --> 00:45:31.679
means that I've had to really let go of who
660
00:45:31.880 --> 00:45:36.119
I am right like, I am this, I am that.
661
00:45:37.159 --> 00:45:40.119
It's I can be this, and I can be that.
662
00:45:40.239 --> 00:45:44.320
I have the capacity to be everything. And that's a
663
00:45:44.360 --> 00:45:48.000
lot of the work that I've been doing that's helped
664
00:45:48.039 --> 00:45:56.440
me to I suppose, honestly really experience my erotic energy
665
00:45:56.480 --> 00:46:01.800
for myself and not for anyone else, because my dancing,
666
00:46:02.159 --> 00:46:08.920
my erotic energy, it's really helping me heal. It's helping
667
00:46:08.960 --> 00:46:13.800
me be with myself, to get in touch with myself
668
00:46:13.920 --> 00:46:16.400
right in my body and my flesh and my bones,
669
00:46:17.239 --> 00:46:22.360
and it's like reclaiming my innocence through my erotic energy.
670
00:46:23.320 --> 00:46:25.360
And that might not be the path for everyone, and
671
00:46:25.480 --> 00:46:31.000
that's absolutely fine, but yeah, I really heal my hypersexuality,
672
00:46:31.400 --> 00:46:36.760
my addictions through my body, through being with my body.
673
00:46:38.440 --> 00:46:41.719
I think that it goes without staying even though I'm
674
00:46:41.719 --> 00:46:45.119
surely sure people don't want me to say this on
675
00:46:45.159 --> 00:46:49.320
some level, but that if you have experienced sexual trauma,
676
00:46:49.639 --> 00:46:55.400
that the only true way through that trauma is not
677
00:46:55.559 --> 00:46:59.800
just dealing with the trauma that happened, but also embracing
678
00:47:00.280 --> 00:47:06.320
the erotic you know, sexuality that we all have and
679
00:47:06.679 --> 00:47:09.599
embracing that again just as you are doing right. But
680
00:47:09.880 --> 00:47:11.920
to truly heal from it, you have to not just
681
00:47:11.960 --> 00:47:15.000
deal with the trauma, but also embrace what should have
682
00:47:15.000 --> 00:47:15.880
been there all along.
683
00:47:17.599 --> 00:47:22.239
Yeah, and the one thing that I because then we
684
00:47:22.400 --> 00:47:26.639
have women that say, but how because I'm so disconnected
685
00:47:26.639 --> 00:47:29.639
from myself, And so what I say is, so be
686
00:47:29.760 --> 00:47:34.199
disconnected with yourself. Then sit with yourself and be disconnected,
687
00:47:35.119 --> 00:47:37.760
because there will come a point in time where that
688
00:47:37.840 --> 00:47:42.320
will change. You know, it's for a lot of the time.
689
00:47:42.440 --> 00:47:45.360
When I first started, I felt weird to touch my face,
690
00:47:45.880 --> 00:47:48.760
to touch my shoulders. It felt weird. It felt it
691
00:47:48.800 --> 00:47:52.719
felt like I was being too soft. I was putting
692
00:47:52.760 --> 00:47:54.679
a mask on. I was trying to be something that
693
00:47:54.719 --> 00:47:58.199
I'm not because my ego had pushed that part of
694
00:47:58.239 --> 00:48:01.960
me so deeply into my shadow. But I trusted my intuition,
695
00:48:02.960 --> 00:48:07.000
I trusted myself. I trusted keep going. So I did,
696
00:48:07.679 --> 00:48:10.679
and I went from someone who would you know, I
697
00:48:10.719 --> 00:48:13.800
do ten minutes every night to every single night. Now
698
00:48:13.840 --> 00:48:16.719
I get down on the ground, I just I stretch,
699
00:48:16.880 --> 00:48:19.639
I do my fasher, but then I just get into
700
00:48:19.719 --> 00:48:23.480
my body and I'm just really like I stroked myself,
701
00:48:23.599 --> 00:48:27.360
my thighs, my every of my face, just really get
702
00:48:27.440 --> 00:48:30.920
into that body. But for a long time, I felt numb,
703
00:48:31.039 --> 00:48:34.679
I felt nothing, I felt stupid. I thought this is
704
00:48:34.719 --> 00:48:38.159
not gonna work. This is not gonna work. I already
705
00:48:38.199 --> 00:48:42.199
know because I was so intellectual in my mind that
706
00:48:43.599 --> 00:48:45.239
I just thought this isn't gonna work. But there was
707
00:48:45.280 --> 00:48:47.599
just a part of me that said, keep going, keep going.
708
00:48:47.639 --> 00:48:51.920
And slowly I started to form a relationship with myself.
709
00:48:52.840 --> 00:48:55.119
And that's when I really got to meet the parts
710
00:48:55.119 --> 00:48:56.599
of me. And there are times when I'm on the
711
00:48:56.599 --> 00:49:01.599
floor doing my somatic work where I cry for no
712
00:49:01.840 --> 00:49:04.440
reason and I don't allow my brain to try and
713
00:49:04.480 --> 00:49:07.599
tell me why I'm crying. All I know is that
714
00:49:07.679 --> 00:49:10.599
right now I'm grieving, and I don't need to know
715
00:49:10.639 --> 00:49:12.880
where that grief is coming from. I just grieve and
716
00:49:12.920 --> 00:49:15.239
I cry and get it out.
717
00:49:17.280 --> 00:49:20.719
I think we live in a society that too often
718
00:49:21.239 --> 00:49:26.480
is geared towards telling us what's wrong with us, and
719
00:49:26.519 --> 00:49:31.599
we take that on and the idea of you telling
720
00:49:31.679 --> 00:49:34.320
people if you're disconnected, then just that's who you are.
721
00:49:34.639 --> 00:49:37.760
Just be disconnected in that moment and really love the
722
00:49:37.800 --> 00:49:43.639
way you trusted your own self to even if you
723
00:49:43.639 --> 00:49:46.519
didn't know why you needed to do it, you did
724
00:49:46.519 --> 00:49:49.159
it because you trusted yourself and it led you here.
725
00:49:49.360 --> 00:49:57.159
It's brilliant, it's wonderful. Any words of wisdom for other
726
00:49:57.199 --> 00:50:00.760
survivors who've been trafficked and are into terms of.
727
00:50:00.760 --> 00:50:06.840
That, I would say, for me, the one thing that
728
00:50:07.280 --> 00:50:11.400
really leads me is that we've got to stop trying
729
00:50:11.400 --> 00:50:16.960
to be healed, because if you're going to chase being healed,
730
00:50:17.039 --> 00:50:19.960
you'll be chasing it for the rest of your life.
731
00:50:20.639 --> 00:50:24.000
You deserve to be human, and you deserve to be all,
732
00:50:25.280 --> 00:50:30.719
and part of being human is to have faults.
733
00:50:31.199 --> 00:50:31.519
M M.
734
00:50:31.800 --> 00:50:35.639
It's you know, it's okay that you're a little bit faulty,
735
00:50:35.800 --> 00:50:38.559
or you know, it's okay that you struggle to connect
736
00:50:38.559 --> 00:50:41.800
with people. It's okay that you have these things that
737
00:50:41.840 --> 00:50:44.920
you've carried from childhood that you may be needing to
738
00:50:44.960 --> 00:50:48.400
work through. It is completely normal and you're allowed to
739
00:50:48.440 --> 00:50:53.320
be that way. You're not broken. You're just human that
740
00:50:53.360 --> 00:50:56.840
has lived human life, that has been a difficult human life.
741
00:50:57.519 --> 00:51:00.280
No one is perfectly healed, and everyone has their else.
742
00:51:00.760 --> 00:51:03.519
And I know that you might think that yours are
743
00:51:03.559 --> 00:51:08.280
disgusting or shameful, but they're not and you're allowed to
744
00:51:08.440 --> 00:51:12.800
be fully you, and fully you is absolutely amazing.
745
00:51:14.119 --> 00:51:20.159
That's beautiful. Thank you, Jenna so and if people want
746
00:51:20.199 --> 00:51:23.639
to find you, they can find you on Instagram under
747
00:51:23.719 --> 00:51:28.400
Jena ray McWaters waters with two tea's and an mc
748
00:51:28.760 --> 00:51:32.320
not an mac not an mac all one word Jenna
749
00:51:32.360 --> 00:51:35.800
ray McWaters. Thank you Jenna for coming and chatting with
750
00:51:35.840 --> 00:51:38.800
me about this really important topic. And I have no
751
00:51:38.960 --> 00:51:46.440
doubt that given what's happening contemporarily in our society is
752
00:51:47.440 --> 00:51:49.280
triggering a lot of people. I know it's triggering a
753
00:51:49.280 --> 00:51:53.360
lot of people to start dealing with the ways in
754
00:51:53.400 --> 00:51:57.320
which they were trafficked, whether it's in an organization like
755
00:51:57.400 --> 00:52:01.239
Epstein created or in a family. You know, we know
756
00:52:01.400 --> 00:52:05.960
that over forty one percent I think in North America
757
00:52:06.480 --> 00:52:10.679
victims of trafficking are being trafficked through their parents, through
758
00:52:10.719 --> 00:52:15.360
family members, and so that certainly may be on a
759
00:52:15.360 --> 00:52:18.400
different level than maybe you or certainly Epstein, but people
760
00:52:18.440 --> 00:52:22.880
are coming forward recognizing this happened to me, and it
761
00:52:22.960 --> 00:52:25.199
really is important to start talking about the ways that
762
00:52:25.239 --> 00:52:29.320
we can find our way through what happened and not
763
00:52:29.480 --> 00:52:32.199
have to keep it in the shadows. So to speak
764
00:52:32.280 --> 00:52:35.599
and not talked about. So thank you. I appreciate you.
765
00:52:36.559 --> 00:52:39.119
Bill, welcome, thank you for having me on. And it
766
00:52:39.320 --> 00:52:42.119
was yeah, it was very touching. I really enjoyed this.
767
00:52:42.719 --> 00:52:46.559
Oh that's good because I did too. Okay, we'll be
768
00:52:46.639 --> 00:52:47.480
right back. Folks.
769
00:52:47.760 --> 00:52:51.440
You're listening to one hundred point five fm CFRO Vancouver
770
00:52:51.599 --> 00:52:55.199
Cooperative Radio. Programs like this are made possible by listener
771
00:52:55.280 --> 00:52:58.920
support and by grants from organizations such as the Central
772
00:52:58.960 --> 00:53:02.440
City Foundation. Thank you so much for keeping independent community
773
00:53:02.559 --> 00:53:03.320
radio alive.
774
00:53:15.360 --> 00:53:19.079
M The street.
775
00:53:18.719 --> 00:53:24.840
Lights are bleeding through the cracks and the blind and
776
00:53:24.960 --> 00:53:29.920
you're staring at the ceiling, trying to entangle your mind.
777
00:53:31.960 --> 00:53:35.960
The clock on the wall is the loudest thing in the.
778
00:53:36.079 --> 00:53:41.519
Room, and it feels like the walls are closing in.
779
00:53:42.079 --> 00:53:47.840
On YouTube, I know how the qui can start to scream.
780
00:53:48.280 --> 00:53:51.360
I know how you're trapped inside of the waking dream.
781
00:53:51.800 --> 00:53:55.639
Your hands are shaking your cowl on the floorboards tonight,
782
00:53:56.079 --> 00:53:58.800
just praying for a flicker, just a little bit of
783
00:53:58.920 --> 00:54:03.719
light you care mountain and nobody else can see. And
784
00:54:03.800 --> 00:54:07.199
you're smiling for the cameras, pretending to be free, but
785
00:54:07.440 --> 00:54:10.719
assi the shadow of that's hiding behind your eyes and
786
00:54:10.880 --> 00:54:16.119
back the truth underneath all of your beautiful lies to.
787
00:54:16.360 --> 00:54:18.199
This is a soul.
788
00:54:19.559 --> 00:54:24.159
For anyone in pain, for anyone.
789
00:54:24.000 --> 00:54:31.159
Standing out alone in the foreign ray, when the lead
790
00:54:31.280 --> 00:54:32.760
of the world is too.
791
00:54:32.679 --> 00:54:35.719
Heavy a hod and your heart's turning at heaven and
792
00:54:35.840 --> 00:54:39.039
your bloods running cold. You don't have to be brave,
793
00:54:39.159 --> 00:54:41.679
you don't have to be storm, you don't have to
794
00:54:41.760 --> 00:54:44.199
pretend you belong all along.
795
00:54:44.400 --> 00:54:48.719
Just try, if you need to, let the tears start
796
00:54:48.840 --> 00:54:49.599
to fall.
797
00:54:50.440 --> 00:54:52.679
Yeah, this is a soul.
798
00:54:55.800 --> 00:54:59.079
Broken song for so.
799
00:55:05.280 --> 00:55:09.599
You remember the days when you trusted in Ny before every.
800
00:55:09.400 --> 00:55:12.400
Single promise that they made started to break.
801
00:55:12.679 --> 00:55:16.000
Now you're walking through the cross where you are completely alone,
802
00:55:16.239 --> 00:55:18.360
like a ghost in the city that.
803
00:55:18.320 --> 00:55:21.480
You used to call home. It so you, it's easy,
804
00:55:21.599 --> 00:55:22.719
it's so you just.
805
00:55:22.840 --> 00:55:26.639
Breathe, but they don't see the gravity pulling out your sleeve.
806
00:55:26.760 --> 00:55:28.519
It's a heavy kind of sadness.
807
00:55:28.559 --> 00:55:30.440
The settles in the bone and.
808
00:55:30.440 --> 00:55:33.559
It makes you feel like you're entirely on your own.
809
00:55:33.679 --> 00:55:37.000
You've been fighting a war that has no end inside you,
810
00:55:37.159 --> 00:55:40.239
waking up in the morning just to dread the night.
811
00:55:40.440 --> 00:55:43.400
And you're tired. Oh God, I know that you are
812
00:55:43.639 --> 00:55:46.119
tire to try to stoke a flame when you.
813
00:55:46.320 --> 00:55:47.360
Run out of fire.
814
00:55:48.599 --> 00:55:50.559
Yeah, this is a song.
815
00:55:51.239 --> 00:55:56.920
For anyone inde, for anyone standing.
816
00:55:56.519 --> 00:55:59.760
Out alone in the floor, and.
817
00:56:02.239 --> 00:56:05.880
When the water is too heavy to followed in your
818
00:56:05.960 --> 00:56:08.880
horse side and heavy and you put running cold.
819
00:56:09.000 --> 00:56:11.760
You don't have to be brave, You don't have to
820
00:56:11.800 --> 00:56:15.079
be strong, You don't have to pretend any you belong.
821
00:56:15.280 --> 00:56:19.639
Go along just crying if you need to, let the
822
00:56:19.719 --> 00:56:21.159
tears start to fall.
823
00:56:22.199 --> 00:56:24.440
Yeah, this is a soul.
824
00:56:27.079 --> 00:56:30.199
For the broke, a song for.
825
00:56:44.360 --> 00:56:47.840
I won't tell you that it's all gonna be fine,
826
00:56:47.840 --> 00:56:49.880
because right now it feels like.
827
00:56:49.920 --> 00:56:51.039
The end of the light.
828
00:56:51.199 --> 00:56:52.320
And I won't give you.
829
00:56:52.320 --> 00:56:55.679
A cliches a phrase it's so hollow to help you'll
830
00:56:55.719 --> 00:56:58.840
get through all the bed and it's just swallow it out,
831
00:56:59.039 --> 00:57:02.440
sitting here and dark, right next to your chair, and
832
00:57:02.599 --> 00:57:05.559
I'll hold your hands so you know someone is there.
833
00:57:05.719 --> 00:57:08.519
We can scream at the sky, we can curse at
834
00:57:08.559 --> 00:57:10.679
the floor and sail that throats the row.
835
00:57:10.639 --> 00:57:13.559
Row, and we can't eat the pub because pain it
836
00:57:13.760 --> 00:57:15.920
isn't something you just are so happy.
837
00:57:16.000 --> 00:57:19.440
It's a stone you gotta sit through after day, but
838
00:57:19.639 --> 00:57:23.360
you are still breathing, You are still here through the
839
00:57:23.519 --> 00:57:26.960
terror of the down in the paralyzing fear.
840
00:57:29.199 --> 00:57:40.000
Here still, don't let go while this is a sup
841
00:57:41.119 --> 00:57:43.199
for real, bad.
842
00:57:44.519 --> 00:57:45.039
For real.
843
00:57:45.199 --> 00:57:53.840
I'm standing out lone in the bar. Don't probably too
844
00:57:54.079 --> 00:57:55.719
heavy to fall in your.
845
00:57:55.559 --> 00:57:58.480
Hearts starting heavy and your blood running cold.
846
00:57:58.559 --> 00:58:01.239
You don't have to be if, you don't have to
847
00:58:01.320 --> 00:58:02.800
be strong, You don't have.
848
00:58:02.800 --> 00:58:07.079
To pretend you belonged all alone. Subscribe if you need.
849
00:58:06.960 --> 00:58:10.760
To let the two start to fall.
850
00:58:11.599 --> 00:58:14.039
Yeah, this is a salt.
851
00:58:16.559 --> 00:58:22.480
For the broken, a song for a salt. The rainfall
852
00:58:22.679 --> 00:58:26.719
down on your face. You don't have to win every
853
00:58:27.000 --> 00:58:30.800
single race. The room is getting quiet again.
854
00:58:31.559 --> 00:58:36.719
The storm is slowing down, my friend, You're not alone
855
00:58:36.880 --> 00:58:37.719
in the dark.
856
00:58:37.960 --> 00:58:45.440
Tune night. We're just waiting for the morning light. Yeah,
857
00:58:45.480 --> 00:58:47.320
we're just waiting.
858
00:58:49.199 --> 00:58:50.079
For the light.
859
00:58:53.519 --> 00:58:56.239
You're listening to A thirty Madness on Vancouver cap Radio
860
00:58:56.360 --> 00:59:00.880
CFR one point five FM. I'm Brendi Fox and that's
861
00:59:00.880 --> 00:59:04.400
our show. My thanks to gener Ray mcwatters for coming
862
00:59:04.440 --> 00:59:07.960
to have this particular conversation with me. My goodness, such
863
00:59:08.079 --> 00:59:12.280
honesty and compassion from someone who experienced such a traumatic childhood.
864
00:59:12.719 --> 00:59:16.079
Music today was by Sherry Alric and Tom O'Dell and
865
00:59:16.119 --> 00:59:18.599
to you our listeners, Thank you for joining us today.
866
00:59:18.960 --> 00:59:23.880
Stay safe out there. You've just listened to Rethreading Madness,
867
00:59:23.920 --> 00:59:26.599
where we dare to change how we think about mental health.
868
00:59:26.880 --> 00:59:30.159
We air live on Vancouver co Op Radio CFRI one
869
00:59:30.280 --> 00:59:33.760
hundred point five FM every Tuesday at five pm, or
870
00:59:33.760 --> 00:59:37.400
online at co opradio dot org. If you have questions
871
00:59:37.519 --> 00:59:41.119
or feedback about this program, or want to share your story,
872
00:59:41.480 --> 00:59:43.280
or have something to say to us, we want to
873
00:59:43.320 --> 00:59:46.599
hear from you. You can reach us by email Rethreading
874
00:59:46.639 --> 00:59:50.159
Madness at co opradio dot org. This is Bernardine Fox.
875
00:59:50.320 --> 00:59:55.840
We'll be back next week. Until then, will ever been fir.
876
00:59:58.119 --> 00:59:58.159
Go?
877
00:59:58.920 --> 00:59:59.679
What the hell