Parenting Tools EP 2 - Using games instead of Timeouts

WEBVTT
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We're finally ready.
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Oh my god.
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After all the technical difficulties, we almost gave up on this episode.
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Or I almost gave up on this episode.
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Guys, welcome back to another episode of Parenting Tools.
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Yeah.
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Tools to raise good kids, turn them into better humans.
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And as always, my name is Ian.
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I'm joined by the professor, or as the guru, as everyone likes to call her.
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You should call her the guru in the comments.
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Please, please.
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That's embarrassing.
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The only operator of all these kids' ideas and how to raise them.
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I am a single dude, so I have no idea what I'm talking about.
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But I'm here for you.
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I'm here for the viewers.
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I take always the side of the, you know, parent.
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I'm always going to the side of the parent, and then I like to push the conversation that way.
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He's annoying.
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So I am annoying.
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I'm annoying for you.
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I put a strain on our relationship for you to make sure that you know all the answer questions you have, we answer them.
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Or try.
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So it's it's that that's the dynamic we have.
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And today, what is the topic for today, Madame?
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Well, we're gonna look on how to use like games instead of if you want to change the behavior of a of a child instead of doing sort of a punishment.
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How when can he use a game and what kind of games can you use in order to change their focus of attention?
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Okay, so I asked, you know, I tried to find a couple of videos on this.
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It's tough.
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Yeah.
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But I asked AI, and it gave a good distinction or definition.
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So this is what Gemini came up with.
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Gamification and redirection are highly popular, true and tried parenting strategies shared across subreddits like parenting, our dad, and our toddlers to stop unwanted behavior without resorting to constant yelling or power struggles.
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Instead of saying stop doing that, parents use games to pivot a child's energy towards a cooperative, positive task.
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Yes, that sounds like something that I could have said.
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It's just way better, actually.
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It's just like way more precise.
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Did you use this with us?
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Of course.
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Yeah, lots of times.
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It's like it's one of the easiest ways to change the focus of attention.
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I mean, so many kids, all you have to or so many times with kids, all you have to do is change the focus of attention.
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Even with a timeout, that's really the goal.
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You know, can can you change their where they're where they're at?
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So they're back in their awesome behavior versus their pouty behavior or whatever they're in, the behavior you don't want.
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So it's a great way to not constantly give them a timeout or another consequence, or constantly being like the police who just tell them no, no, no, no.
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You know, do you have a story?
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Um I'm demanding this time.
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I'm like, you got a story?
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You got a you got examples?
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Yeah, well, one good story is like, you know, doing something against the clock.
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Let's say if you don't want to, you have a kid who has a hard time.
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Well, that's a task.
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That's not a story.
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I want to know about like us.
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Like, did you use it?
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Was there a time where you used it against or against use it on me?
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Yeah, use it against us.
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Last time we talked battle mode, so I'm like against now.
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Um, but you know what I mean?
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Like, was there a time where it was like, oh, you know, this time Micah was doing this, and I was able to get him out by doing this, or Oh, yeah.
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I mean, constantly.
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I used like to give me push-ups, give me 10 push-ups, run around the house.
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Uh, remember all those when you had to run around the house instead of uh doing uh something else?
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And not like inside the house, the whole house, and then and then you went once, and if you still were in the funk, I call it the funk, the mood, whatever, you know, then you had to go again, yeah, you know, until it was gone.
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And it was like much easier than putting you in timeout, then you have to fight me against the timeout because it's kind of still fun to run around the house, you know.
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And if you have high energy kids, which most parents do, because kids are just high energy, you know, those physical um exercises are great.
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Also, run up and down the stairs if you have stairs somewhere, or like um give me 10 push-ups or 10 jumping jacks, or you know, there's I mean, I use those all the time, and I could it's a it's a way of uh breaking the behavior the kind is at.
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So the kind of behavior he's in.
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Oh, because you said breaking the behavior the kind is at.
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I think you break the behavior the kid is at.
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The kid is in a certain behavior that doesn't work.
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You can feel it, you can see it.
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But there's always like a window of opportunity where you can get in and actually distract them enough not to fall into that behavior, and to see that window of opportunity and to get in right there and do something like physical is a great way to work with not using constantly um I call it punishment, you know.
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Yeah, okay.
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So on that, we have one of your favorite videos that you like to use to just analyze not exactly how the behavior works, but where that kind of timing is where you can jump in and actually do a correct behavior.
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I just think it's a fun video too.
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It's an old, old um it is an old video.
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So please, for those watching, uh please, you know, just bear like give us some grace, okay?
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This video is old as this is like, yeah, it's old.
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Okay, we're gonna watch it now, right?
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For those of you who can't see, the kid is taking the bag of candy, putting it in the stroller, and dad's like if you heard that, you know exactly what's going on.
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Kids run around tearing the uh child apart.
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At the end it says use condoms.
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It's too late for that, obviously.
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You played too many games and now you're figuring it out.
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No, but you can see in the very beginning of the video when the kid starts just crossing over his his hands, and he's not in the tantrum yet.
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But he's giving you a warning.
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He's he's looking at you, and you know what's gonna come, but that's your window right there.
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That right there.
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Right there.
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That eight.
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Right there.
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You have to get in and say, okay, time out.
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There's always like there's always a window like that.
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So the earlier you can get in, the better.
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You know, it's it's like once he's on the floor just throwing a fit.
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I mean, it's like, oh well.
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Then you give you give them to somebody else, it's somebody else's problem, then you just give them like give them away.
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Just pretend it's not your kids.
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Exactly.
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You just walk away.
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No, no, I mean, uh obviously you have to handle it, you know.
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You sit with them or whatever, let him go through because he's in it, then it's most likely no no matter what you do, you're not gonna get him out of that.
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He just has to go through then.
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But there in the beginning, there's actually a window where you can get in and change his behavior.
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Okay, what would you do?
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What would you do there?
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I uh a time out, or maybe I would say, Hey, I mean, I see where you're going.
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Let's see who can get over there first, you or me.
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Okay, who is first at the at the at the ice cream boot.
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Okay, so now my turn play devil's advocate because this kid is old.
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He's like nine.
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I would say he's like nine or ten.
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He's not nine, he's six.
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That kid?
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Yeah, well, you're not a parent.
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Well, okay, he's six then.
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But like, he's old enough to know what the hell he's doing.
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And like, I can easily imagine that if you say, Okay, let's see who can.
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Well, you gave a terrible example.
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Let's run to the ice cream booth.
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He's gonna be like, Oh, not ice cream, yeah, ice cream, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, you know, like it's uh but let's say you gotta run to a thing.
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But like that could be one thing.
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I could also say, look, you really want those?
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You wanna you wanna get those?
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Let's try after uh again tomorrow.
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If everything works well and tomorrow we're gonna come back, you can get them, but everything needs to be but I want them right now, then uh that's not gonna work, you know.
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That could be one approach.
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I I would try different things, you know.
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It also could be a timeout right there, and then say, I see what you're doing.
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You're just about going to throw a fit.
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Great job, it's really smart, it's not gonna work.
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So here you come.
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Come on, sit down right here.
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If you do if you do it really nicely, I let you pick up one thing at the store that's not sweet, and you can decide what that is.
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Ah, see, that was like that was my next part because you're like, Oh, if you do the timeout nicely, I'll let you put something out.
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Because I was like, if this kid gets put in timeout with the way he reacts, he's gonna explode anyway, right?
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So he's gonna have that temperature.
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Not necessarily, yeah.
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If you you but you you bribe him.
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I bribe him all over, you know, because I I I see I also acknowledge what he's doing.
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I say it's smart, it's not gonna work.
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And I tell him you do a timeout, and if you do it nicely, you can pick something which is not sweet and you decide what it is.
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Something that you like if you're being good.
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But that's it's it's it's an interesting, like only when he does the negative behavior that you don't like, then you say the timeout, but you offer something and he does like.
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How do you make sure that that doesn't become like a thought process for the kid where they're like, oh, I have to do something that they don't like for them to put me in timeout to promise me something that I might like, then you know what I mean?
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Yeah, it it could be, yeah, but uh, I don't know.
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I mean, it's the usually I don't think they're working that complicated, you know.
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So they're smart, but they're also dumb.
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Kids are smart, but also they're not like they're not gonna remember.
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You tell them like we'll have it in an hour, they don't remember what was 30 minutes.
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If that happens, then you have to change that.
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You know, if that becomes a behavior that they use all the time, then obviously that didn't work.
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Right.
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I mean, I've done so many things that didn't work, and I had to correct them because that's that's the that's the daily thing.
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You try a tool and it doesn't work, so you have to find another way to deal with the situation.
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It's that's normal parenting.
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It's not just like here's a tool applied and it's gonna work.
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It's like you have a tool built, you know, and you try a tool, it may work.
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Great, and it may work on one kid and not on the other one.
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So just because we're talking about gamification doesn't mean that it's like always going to be the go-to when kids act like this.
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It's just one of the things it's like, it's just one of the things, and it's such a good one.
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And there's so many games you can do where you take yourself out of the picture.
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Like again, the one one really good I liked was the the parent who had a uh a picky eater, and she would just take an hour to get over the food, and you know, and and the the one lady said, Well, what I did is I said, Look, I started, I bought a timer, I put it on, I said, Look, uh, we have 20 minutes to eat, and you have 20 minutes time to finish your food if you're not done in that 20 minutes.
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Well, I just take the food away.
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Okay, it's fine.
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So, what were your favorite go-to games?
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I like the timer.
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I like having a timer because it takes you out of the picture.
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The kid doesn't have anybody to attack.
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He's running against the timer, and kids like to win.
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Yeah.
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So if they they're here, they win against the timer.
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But also, timer is easy.
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You have that on your phone.
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You have them on the phone, and they're everywhere.
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And but it has to be where he can see it, where the kick kid can see it.
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I like a timer where actually he can see it and say, Okay, and even if he can't read, yeah.
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He's like, Oh, you man, you have three minutes left.
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Go, go, go.
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You know, then it becomes like, oh yeah, I can do this.
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Got it.
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Whereas uh, you know, if you're just on your watch, they don't know if you're cheating or not.
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Yeah, oh, I would cheat like maybe half hour.
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You got 30 more seconds, bud?
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Because I don't know what 30 seconds is.
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Like, this has been so nice, it's been so quiet.
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What else?
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What else?
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What other games are you like?
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I love the quiet game.
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Oh my god, we played the quiet game so, so, so much in the car.
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Everyone talks about childhood trauma.
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I'm traumatized from the childhood, the quiet game.
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Like, I don't want to be quiet in the car anymore.
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I will use it when I have kids for sure.
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Like, but yeah, it's such a good game, man.
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You know, it's such a good game, and they sometimes they have to play it for half an hour because well, you know, as someone keeps whispering.
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So many kids, and one of them would fall in, and then the other one's like, Oh, I won, I won it.
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I want to win.
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Okay, let's try again.
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And it was just dead quiet.
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It was yeah, I it was heaven, man.
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How would you launch into the quiet game?
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Well, I just said, you know, I mean, hey guys, show play a game, and usually playing a game is fun for them, you know.
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So um I feel like it was usually in the car.
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Yeah, usually in the car.
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We usually don't didn't have to play it at home, you know.
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I mean, it wasn't because the house was huge and we were at trampoline and a pool and all that.
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Yeah, it could just throw you outside, yeah.
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Loud as you want.
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But and they have to have outlets too, you know.
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You can't play the quiet game all day long.
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That's neglect.
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But in the car, it's just a great tool, you know.
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And you could do, okay, let's play some games.
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Maybe you do a little bit like my I see with my little eyes.
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Oh, I spy.
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I spy, yeah.
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That's a good German.
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I see with mine eyes.
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That's a good one.
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Or, you know, um, who can find more red cars, or you know, I mean, you make it up, you know.
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Find who can find the biggest sign that has an O in it, or I mean it depends on the age of the face and everything.
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I mean, but you make it up.
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I mean, just so they get distracted and have the attention outside on something else, and it's fun because they're doing something now.
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So the games in the car I really enjoyed because we didn't have like entertainment in the beginning, you know, before we had all those videos.
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And then when the entertainment came in, boy, did we get everything.
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We got the TVs, we got the Game Boys, they're like, whatever, six kids in one car, like hell yeah.
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Yeah, well, long trips, man.
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Heaven, heaven.
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So but it's also but you guys weren't spoiled watching them, so you know, now the kids have them 24-7.
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Yeah, that doesn't work.
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It's a little bit too much.
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It's it's I I like I will say I see the tablets.
00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:12.320
Like, I think this is a completely different like podcast, but I see the tablets.
00:14:12.480 --> 00:14:14.720
I'm like, you know, I think there is a time and place for it.
00:14:14.799 --> 00:14:21.039
Like, if you really need to get something done, then bust them out and then let them be zombified for like 10 minutes and then go do your thing.
00:14:21.200 --> 00:14:24.240
But like, yeah, it's it's it's but like it's amazing.
00:14:24.320 --> 00:14:27.679
You see little babies already on the on their phones and they know what to do.
00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:30.080
Yeah, I mean, my crazy yeah.
00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:33.360
Alexander knows how to turn my watch on.
00:14:33.759 --> 00:14:34.000
Yeah, yeah.
00:14:34.159 --> 00:14:36.559
Those little they're like two years old and like swiping through.
00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:38.399
I'm like, bro, why are you in my ass?
00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:41.840
Change changing everything on your phone.
00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:43.039
I mean, two years old, you know.
00:14:43.120 --> 00:14:45.279
It's it's like let's let's let's not get distracted.
00:14:45.440 --> 00:14:45.600
Okay.
00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:46.879
Uh, so what other games do you like?
00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:47.759
You like the quiet game?
00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:48.960
I like the quiet game.
00:14:49.200 --> 00:14:51.279
Uh I spy with my life for the car.
00:14:51.840 --> 00:14:54.000
Pointing out little things and just make them up, you know.
00:14:54.559 --> 00:14:57.440
You mentioned you mentioned one uh at the house that we used to do.
00:14:57.519 --> 00:15:03.200
I don't know if you if it was a game or if you just wanted us to run, but it was like uh laps, laps around the house.
00:15:03.279 --> 00:15:03.840
Yeah, yeah.
00:15:04.000 --> 00:15:05.519
Running around the house is a great one.
00:15:05.600 --> 00:15:07.840
Running up and down the stairs is a great one.
00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:16.159
Um but there was also like like when you not to cut you off, but when you did that, it was also very specific, like goal, end goal for that.
00:15:16.240 --> 00:15:20.159
And it's when kids are still like you call it a funk, or you call it a funk at the beginning.
00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:22.320
But describe what a funk is.
00:15:22.559 --> 00:15:32.799
Well, if they're if they're getting into a mood, you know, that the mood is where they start to um try to manipulate you, and you can feel it where they start pressing against you.
00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:41.840
And there is a is it it starts usually very lightly where they're not fully in it, and at that moment they're easy to distract into something else that's more fun.
00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:46.159
Yeah, yeah, but like describe then the funk that they get into.
00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:47.840
Like what what is that?
00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:49.279
Like what what is a funk?
00:15:49.519 --> 00:15:50.159
What is a mood?
00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:51.360
Like, what do you what do you mean?
00:15:51.759 --> 00:15:59.200
Where if you you can feel like with this kid, you know, when he starts to cross his hand and say, now I'm gonna get my way, basically.
00:15:59.360 --> 00:16:01.679
They want to get their way and you can feel it.
00:16:01.840 --> 00:16:06.320
They want to push against you, they want you to get engaged, and you can feel it.
00:16:06.480 --> 00:16:10.559
Yeah, that's a good time to actually have them do something else, you know, something that's fun.
00:16:10.639 --> 00:16:18.720
It's like, oh, let's see who can run first to the door and back ready, set, go, and you go, and you know, I'm at the end and say, Hey, I win.
00:16:18.879 --> 00:16:20.960
And you know, I'm gonna be annoying because I'm gonna push it.
00:16:21.279 --> 00:16:22.000
Well, that's your job.
00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:28.000
So we need to because a lot of people don't know what that means when you say funk, when you say mood.
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:29.120
I know what you mean, yeah.
00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:36.879
But like it's like for us, it was very clear that when you're like happy, go lucky, and then like you do the thing.
00:16:36.960 --> 00:16:52.080
So, for example, this kid asked for the candy, yeah, and then he didn't get the candy, and so he like shifts, like he goes from being super happy, go lucky, and everything is fine, to now I'm pissed off, now you're making me mad, I'm not getting the thing that I want, I'm gonna be mad.
00:16:52.159 --> 00:17:01.919
And like the mood of the funk is when the kid gets mad or when the kid gets sad and they actually change, like you can see them physically change into like this crazy.
00:17:02.159 --> 00:17:09.839
I mean, with some kids who are like worse behaved, like not not not like don't really have good behavior, it's hard to tell because it seems like they're constantly there, you know.
00:17:09.920 --> 00:17:14.880
Like they get, they sit down, they grab bread, they throw shit around and everything, and it's just like, oh, that's just how Tommy is, like, you know.
00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:21.039
But like, because I I think it's important because there's people out there who are like, okay, what what am I looking for?
00:17:21.119 --> 00:17:28.079
Yeah, you know, like we have to like what what are parents looking for when this to use this game to to avoid it?
00:17:28.319 --> 00:17:32.000
And for example, if we're running around, well, maybe let's answer that one first.
00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:35.599
Like, what do you what's the key thing that you are looking for there?
00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:38.880
The video is a good one, yeah, but like can you describe it?
00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:41.599
It's it's tricky, no?
00:17:41.839 --> 00:17:44.960
It's very tricky because it could be it could have different triggers.
00:17:45.200 --> 00:17:50.880
You know, it's always a trigger, it's always something that doesn't go the way the kid wants it to go.
00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:53.119
In his mind, he wants it to go different.
00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:58.000
So, in order to change how it's gonna go, he has to use a manipulation.
00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:06.720
And the manipulation he has available is an emotional manipulation to push you to a different behavior than what you're doing.
00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:08.960
So, if that's is just is that clear?
00:18:09.359 --> 00:18:09.680
Yeah, yeah.
00:18:09.759 --> 00:18:23.119
So it's now you said I think you said it nicely where you said like the moment they try to shift into that manipulative, like uh it can, and that's it could be whining, it could be you know, it could be it could be screaming, it could be like arguing with you, it could be like, but why?
00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:26.319
You know, like it's like negotiating, there's a lot of different gears.
00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:30.079
Trying to to get you to engage, yeah.
00:18:30.240 --> 00:18:37.599
And it's instead of engaging with them into that behavior that's not gonna, it's gonna get worse and worse, they're gonna get more and more into it.
00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:54.160
No, if you can get there in that wind that in the window of opportunity, I call it right in the beginning, and distract them for where they want to go into something that's more fun, right there, because they're not, it's not they're not in the the funk yet, they're not completely beaten into the apple yet.
00:18:54.880 --> 00:18:58.960
Right, they're still trying to buy it, but they haven't they haven't taken a bite yet.
00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:02.240
And there you can distract them into something that's much, much easier.
00:19:02.319 --> 00:19:08.480
Yeah, and you can just and and then they're not going into the funk, into their into the mood, into the manipulation.
00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:15.359
Yeah, so it's almost like the when they start doing the pre-threatening of the move.
00:19:15.519 --> 00:19:16.720
I know threatening is like a battle.
00:19:17.759 --> 00:19:21.680
Like that beginning, like when you can see them go, not going my way.
00:19:21.920 --> 00:19:28.559
Yeah, it's like, oh, it's like not gonna now I'm gonna do whatever, and then it's like, hey, can you do can you do more push-ups than me?
00:19:28.720 --> 00:19:30.079
Ready, said go, and you start.
00:19:30.559 --> 00:19:31.680
Yeah, but then you gotta do the push-ups.
00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:34.480
If it beats you, then you make up the game.
00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:35.920
I mean, it's your house, okay?
00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:38.079
You can't do any push-ups.
00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:41.039
We're gonna do push-ups all day long, baby.
00:19:42.240 --> 00:19:46.880
Or even jumping tracks or something like that's distracting.
00:19:47.200 --> 00:19:48.480
10 mile ruck.
00:19:49.759 --> 00:19:56.240
Or just I know, take a ball and say, let's see if you can catch it 10 times.
00:19:56.640 --> 00:19:58.799
I mean, that's more fun than throwing a fit.
00:19:58.960 --> 00:19:59.440
Yes.
00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:06.319
If you get it in the right moment, if you get it in the right moment, it takes a bit of practice, and also like I'm always thinking of the parents out there, right?
00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:11.279
And the parents, like the well, the grocery store example is perfect because you don't have a ball, you don't have anything there.
00:20:11.359 --> 00:20:12.160
Yeah, you've got nothing.
00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:17.839
And so it's like, again, it as we're like discussing these things more and more.
00:20:17.920 --> 00:20:25.039
I think two things stand out quite clearly every single time, which is one, the training is not on the kids, the training is on the parents.
00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:26.559
Only it's on the parents.
00:20:26.720 --> 00:20:30.319
Like, you guys, you guys gotta get good at recognizing this shit, and that takes practice.
00:20:31.359 --> 00:20:33.839
Practice, and you have to be kind to yourself because you're gonna mess up.
00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:34.799
Yeah, you're not gonna get it.
00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:35.759
No, of course not.
00:20:35.920 --> 00:20:36.880
That would be bad, actually.
00:20:37.039 --> 00:20:38.720
I think you have to get engaged.
00:20:38.799 --> 00:20:43.440
Uh, don't worry about it, even if you're like, I mean, you're still gonna get engaged.
00:20:43.599 --> 00:20:53.759
There's there's no chance of not that not happening, but if you can reduce it instead of getting engaged 80%, getting only engaged 20%, man, that would be huge.
00:20:54.000 --> 00:21:00.480
You know, you're gonna have such a much easier life, and your kids are gonna be it, they're gonna be much more at ease.
00:21:00.559 --> 00:21:00.880
Yeah.
00:21:01.039 --> 00:21:06.720
The the funny thing is when a kid is in charge and he runs the family.
00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:07.920
Oh, it's super uncomfortable.
00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:10.400
It's super uncomfortable for the kid, yeah.
00:21:10.559 --> 00:21:11.920
And it's very stressful, yeah.
00:21:12.319 --> 00:21:14.079
Because they're constantly in charge.
00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:18.079
And a two-year-old or a five-year-old or ten-year-old shouldn't be in charge.
00:21:18.559 --> 00:21:24.960
It's stressful, you know, and doesn't create a safety, they don't have a safety in account because anything goes.
00:21:25.039 --> 00:21:26.799
It's like there's nowhere boundaries.
00:21:26.880 --> 00:21:30.880
It's like it's it's it's it's stressful.
00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:31.200
Yeah.
00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:40.720
So if you have you actually do your kid a favor if you set up boundaries and firm boundaries, boundaries are only good if they have consequences.
00:21:41.279 --> 00:21:44.079
So you have to have consequences, boundaries.
00:21:44.400 --> 00:21:45.920
And we can talk about that another time.
00:21:46.319 --> 00:21:47.039
That'll be another time.
00:21:47.119 --> 00:21:49.519
It's just so the the first thing is like it is the parents.
00:21:49.599 --> 00:21:50.720
Like, you guys gotta practice this.
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:56.799
And like the practicing you can do by just re listening to this and going through and saying, like, okay, how do I what's the main thing?
00:21:56.960 --> 00:21:59.759
First thing, don't get engaged, but also second thing, don't try to.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:02.559
Do this in a grocery store with for the first time, right?
00:22:02.720 --> 00:22:03.519
Do it at home.
00:22:03.680 --> 00:22:03.839
Yeah.
00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:06.160
Home is like you have to get it right at the base.
00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:10.640
In the grocery store, if you actually see the window of opportunity, I will go in first.
00:22:11.680 --> 00:22:12.079
But you would.
00:22:12.160 --> 00:22:13.279
You would know you know what you're looking for.
00:22:13.359 --> 00:22:13.759
Yeah, but no.
00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:16.079
You know, if you go fishing for the first time, you don't know what fish is.
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:19.279
People who look at that, they say, Oh, yeah, I see there's a window of opportunity.
00:22:19.359 --> 00:22:20.400
I could go in right now.
00:22:20.640 --> 00:22:21.440
Some people will see this.
00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:22.240
Some people not.
00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:23.680
If you do see it, go in.
00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:34.400
Yeah, if you if you do recognize it, then recognize that your kids are, you know, doing that, then chapeau, because I think you have like a you're a lot more aware than some people because nobody knows to look for it.
00:22:34.799 --> 00:22:41.839
I think parenting is so much about curiosity, being curious of what the kid is doing, where he's at, how he's pulling you.
00:22:42.000 --> 00:22:49.759
That's the most I mean, if you can identify that, that's gonna be a make a huge difference because noticing fixes more fixes a lot.
00:22:49.839 --> 00:22:54.640
You you notice things, and then next time he does it, you notice it before you get pulled into.
00:22:54.799 --> 00:22:54.960
Yeah.
00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:58.720
And you can actually feed back and say, Look, I mean, I see what you're doing, man.
00:22:58.799 --> 00:22:59.599
It's so clever.
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:12.799
And if you tell that to your kid, and then you have after that, you maybe have the consequence, it's much easier for the kid to actually acknowledge it because he's not doing it consciously, it's a behavior he has practiced and put into the drawer in his brain.
00:23:12.960 --> 00:23:14.400
Oh, that behavior works.
00:23:14.640 --> 00:23:23.359
But if you start noticing it and you you actually tell them, he can see it too consciously, and he's gonna see, oh man, she actually saw that.
00:23:23.440 --> 00:23:24.240
It's just a game.
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:26.319
Okay, next time I have to find something else.
00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:28.079
And don't worry, they'll find something else.
00:23:28.319 --> 00:23:30.319
Yeah, they're they're gonna be good at finding other stuff.
00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:33.039
Yeah, um, so any other games that you like?
00:23:33.119 --> 00:23:36.480
You like the timer, you like the one I see here.
00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:41.039
This is uh you want to know what chat uh chat says as a as a game that you haven't mentioned?
00:23:42.079 --> 00:23:42.880
Yeah, tell me.
00:23:43.039 --> 00:23:45.279
Um slow motion race.
00:23:45.680 --> 00:23:46.240
Oh, cool.
00:23:46.559 --> 00:23:46.880
That's cool.
00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:51.519
No, it's like stop running and thrashing by challenge and move as slowly as a slot.
00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:53.519
That's like that's so good.
00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:54.880
And then as fast.
00:23:55.200 --> 00:23:58.559
I mean, you can change it up, so it's really fun because it also should be fun for you.
00:23:59.039 --> 00:24:00.480
But also your environment, you know.
00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:08.400
If you have like I would say if I was in the car, the the games that I really like are I Spy and the Quiet Game.
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:11.920
If I'm in the grocery store, I could then try the quiet game again.
00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:16.880
But I think I spy would be a much stronger game to play there because there's so much stuff around, or the sloth.
00:24:16.960 --> 00:24:20.480
Because if I'm a parent, I don't want them running around and everything.
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:23.039
I need them to chill, you know, I need them to stay.
00:24:23.200 --> 00:24:29.200
And then if we're outside and we're at the park and then they start giving me attitude, then I'm like, hey, how fast can you get to that tree?
00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:30.319
You know, how many jumps?
00:24:30.960 --> 00:24:33.039
You adapt it to the environment and you make them up.
00:24:33.119 --> 00:24:38.240
I mean, the games I can give you a few, but the best ones are made up on the spot where you just come up with the game.
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:39.519
Anything can be a game, you know?
00:24:40.079 --> 00:24:42.000
I mean, um, I don't know.
00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:46.880
Uh find 10 red things within two minutes in the store.
00:24:47.200 --> 00:24:49.200
What about what about lying to your kids?
00:24:49.519 --> 00:24:50.160
I don't like that.
00:24:50.319 --> 00:24:55.599
No, you don't like saying, oh, we can't scream in here because the aliens are watching us, and if they do, they're gonna take you up to space.
00:24:55.839 --> 00:24:59.920
No, I don't I'm like, listen.
00:25:00.319 --> 00:25:03.359
You do whatever you want, but I tried not to lie to you.
00:25:03.440 --> 00:25:06.319
I I think it's part of the relationship you want to build.
00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:11.359
You know, if you want to build a I I for me, it was very important to be truthful.
00:25:11.519 --> 00:25:21.519
So also when I was like when I lost it, I wanted to be truthful, and I was sitting with you guys and tell you know I really got mad, but it wasn't really your fault, it was just like happening.
00:25:23.440 --> 00:25:26.319
For me, that worked because you do every parent has to do that.
00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:28.559
Flashbacks, yeah.
00:25:28.640 --> 00:25:29.839
It's it's it's true, you know.
00:25:29.920 --> 00:25:34.240
I mean, it's like I think the kids don't expect you to be perfect, not at all.
00:25:34.400 --> 00:25:37.039
It's good if they see that you make mistakes too, you know.
00:25:37.200 --> 00:25:40.400
Yeah, it's like it's it's absolutely okay.
00:25:40.799 --> 00:25:51.039
Okay, so now your favorite segment that we like to do, I like to do it's put on the parenting shoe.
00:25:51.119 --> 00:26:01.119
I don't know what we're gonna call this yet, but it's where I give mom a scenario, and she has to give the tools that she just used to execute.
00:26:01.359 --> 00:26:01.839
Yeah?
00:26:02.400 --> 00:26:05.039
So let me see here.
00:26:05.359 --> 00:26:08.079
You have a we've gone younger.
00:26:08.240 --> 00:26:09.039
Let's go older.
00:26:09.119 --> 00:26:11.279
You have a nine and a 12-year-old.
00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:12.640
Yeah.
00:26:13.279 --> 00:26:15.759
And the 12-year-old.
00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:19.039
Where should we go?
00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:20.799
We've been, have we done grocery store yet?
00:26:20.880 --> 00:26:24.799
I feel like we should go grocery store since well, I mean, we've we've I feel like we've done that as an example.
00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:25.759
Car.
00:26:26.319 --> 00:26:29.359
No, let's do a trip to the grocery store.
00:26:29.519 --> 00:26:29.759
Okay.
00:26:29.920 --> 00:26:31.839
A trip to the grocery store.
00:26:32.079 --> 00:26:34.640
You have a nine-year-old and you have a 12-year-old, okay?
00:26:34.799 --> 00:26:39.599
And we're doing a trip to the grocery store, all right?
00:26:39.759 --> 00:26:43.359
And the 12-year-old is giving you grief, all right?
00:26:43.759 --> 00:26:46.720
Wants to wear the blue shoes, not the red shoes, all right?
00:26:46.799 --> 00:26:50.319
And because the nine-year-old sees the 12-year-old doing this, guys.
00:26:50.400 --> 00:26:54.960
Again, I don't have kids, so I don't know if that's way too old, but like those are the ages that we're going.
00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:56.640
She's like, Yeah, way too old.
00:26:57.759 --> 00:26:58.240
Maybe not.
00:26:58.319 --> 00:27:01.519
Maybe there's some kids out there who are at that age who need, you know, like we don't know.
00:27:01.599 --> 00:27:03.920
So let's let's be let's be open for all these questions.
00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:04.559
All right.
00:27:04.799 --> 00:27:06.720
Red shoe, blue shoe, and he's giving you grief.
00:27:06.799 --> 00:27:10.640
He's like, I'm gonna wear this shoe, or I'm not going.
00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:11.519
Okay.
00:27:14.079 --> 00:27:15.839
It's at home.
00:27:16.079 --> 00:27:17.359
No, no, they have to go with you.
00:27:17.839 --> 00:27:19.119
No, you can't leave the photo arm.
00:27:19.519 --> 00:27:19.839
Can't?
00:27:19.920 --> 00:27:20.799
No, you can't.
00:27:21.119 --> 00:27:22.799
Them's the rules, lady.
00:27:23.119 --> 00:27:23.440
Okay.
00:27:24.720 --> 00:27:27.680
Well, in that case, I said, look, we do need to go.
00:27:27.759 --> 00:27:30.640
I really don't care what cut what color shoes you wear.
00:27:31.599 --> 00:27:34.240
No, you gotta use the God.
00:27:34.640 --> 00:27:36.960
We gotta use the tools that we're talking about.
00:27:37.119 --> 00:27:39.039
You gotta use gamification.
00:27:39.680 --> 00:27:44.400
Yeah, that other one works, but like you gotta give me examples for the shit that we're talking about.
00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:52.559
Like, I mean, you have to you have to you have to fight the battles worth fighting for I don't care if you wear blue blue, you know.
00:27:52.799 --> 00:27:54.400
Okay, indulge me.
00:27:54.640 --> 00:27:56.160
Like God.
00:27:57.759 --> 00:28:03.759
That's definitely not a battle I will go into because well, you wanna you want like he is causing stress about it.
00:28:03.839 --> 00:28:06.480
It's just it's not about the shoes, he's just being a dick.
00:28:06.559 --> 00:28:10.400
To be a dick, and he's like, I'm not wearing that shoe, blah blah blah.
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:11.200
Yeah, okay.
00:28:11.279 --> 00:28:16.319
Then I probably would say, Okay, uh it looks like you just in a mood, you know.
00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:18.079
I have a great idea.
00:28:18.319 --> 00:28:20.880
I want you to start running around the house.
00:28:20.960 --> 00:28:24.000
I want your little brother to chase you, see if he can catch you.
00:28:24.240 --> 00:28:26.000
You have two seconds advanced.
00:28:26.079 --> 00:28:29.839
You can go two seconds before him, and then I'll let him go and see if he can catch you.
00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:31.039
Are you ready?
00:28:31.359 --> 00:28:35.839
Said, go awesome, but now we're late to the grocery store.
00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:37.519
It's a grocery store now.
00:28:37.680 --> 00:28:37.920
That's true.
00:28:38.319 --> 00:28:39.039
24-7.
00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:40.640
Yeah, that's true.
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:42.079
Something like that, you know.
00:28:42.160 --> 00:28:43.440
I mean, I will be able to go there.
00:28:44.400 --> 00:28:45.599
Just to get him out of the mood.
00:28:45.839 --> 00:28:55.920
Yeah, to break that whole like once they're around around the house, and I would look at them and see, so the little one didn't catch him as a man, you almost got him, you know.
00:28:56.000 --> 00:28:57.599
I think now the little one's crying.
00:28:57.839 --> 00:28:59.680
No, the little ones, but I want to catch him.
00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:02.480
So then say, okay, let's turn it around, okay?
00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:06.480
Now the little one goes first, and the bigger one has to catch the little one.
00:29:06.559 --> 00:29:09.519
But this time the little one has four seconds or whatever.
00:29:09.599 --> 00:29:11.759
You know, I do it so he can't get caught, whatever.
00:29:11.839 --> 00:29:18.400
You know, I know the two, so and then it goes like that, and then they've run around the house two times, and most likely they're out of the mood.
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:21.359
They were in before, and they just say, put your shoes on, let's go.
00:29:21.599 --> 00:29:22.240
Yeah, let's go now.
00:29:22.319 --> 00:29:22.960
Yeah, okay.
00:29:23.119 --> 00:29:24.000
So let's say that works.
00:29:24.079 --> 00:29:25.599
I'm gonna give you a benefit of doubt.
00:29:25.839 --> 00:29:28.000
Yeah, we got the blue shoes on.
00:29:28.079 --> 00:29:33.119
The nine-year-old also got blue shoes on, wants to be like his big brother, and then they're in the car.
00:29:33.359 --> 00:29:37.519
Okay, car is um cars bad.
00:29:37.759 --> 00:29:40.559
Car's mama, mama, mama, mama.
00:29:40.880 --> 00:29:42.400
Did you see when I was running?
00:29:42.480 --> 00:29:43.440
I scraped my knee.
00:29:43.599 --> 00:29:45.920
Mom, my knee, mom, my knee.
00:29:46.000 --> 00:29:47.359
It's bleeding.
00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:49.759
You want to play a game?
00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:52.960
Yeah.
00:29:54.319 --> 00:29:54.960
Yeah.
00:29:55.359 --> 00:29:58.240
I don't know if I can because my knees all scraped up, but I'll do my best.
00:29:58.559 --> 00:29:59.279
Well, I don't know.
00:29:59.440 --> 00:30:03.359
I mean, last time your brother won the quiet game, you want to try again?
00:30:03.519 --> 00:30:05.039
Ooh, that's a good one, though.
00:30:05.119 --> 00:30:08.400
Like, say that the other one won, and it's like going down.
00:30:08.960 --> 00:30:10.240
That's why you shouldn't have one kid.
00:30:10.319 --> 00:30:11.519
You gotta have someone to fight against.
00:30:11.599 --> 00:30:17.279
And else they're gonna make imaginary friends, and that, trust me, you need another like physical human there.
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:19.279
Imaginary friends of Lydia.
00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:20.000
Oh my god.
00:30:20.240 --> 00:30:21.680
Who had to go pee one time?
00:30:22.079 --> 00:30:27.119
So just like we're we're gonna do a little like small segue to a story that's hilarious.
00:30:27.279 --> 00:30:34.720
Our my smallest sister had this friend, Sarah, and we were on a road trip, all of us in the car, all eight of us in the car.
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:36.079
And she goes, pull over.
00:30:36.160 --> 00:30:37.599
And then dad goes, You have to pee?
00:30:37.759 --> 00:30:38.480
And she goes, Yeah.
00:30:38.640 --> 00:30:43.759
And we open the door and she sits there and we're all looking out the door, and she just we're like, Leah, go.
00:30:43.920 --> 00:30:46.160
She's like, No, Sarah has to pee.
00:30:46.319 --> 00:30:48.799
There's no one named Sarah in our family, like nobody.
00:30:48.880 --> 00:30:49.759
And we're like, What?
00:30:49.839 --> 00:30:52.160
She's like, Okay, she's done, you can close the door.
00:30:52.319 --> 00:30:55.839
So we pulled over so imaginary Sarah could go pee.
00:30:55.920 --> 00:31:02.000
And my dad hated to pull over to go to the bathroom, and so that was yeah, epic, epic.
00:31:04.400 --> 00:31:06.799
So, made it through the car.
00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:17.039
Now, grocery store already played the quiet game, you know, they've they're they're okay, they're getting the stroller, you know, they're being kids, not like uh like they're not gonna be perfect, but they're kids, right?
00:31:17.119 --> 00:31:21.039
Yeah, so now um in the grocery store.
00:31:21.200 --> 00:31:26.319
Okay, before before we go into the grocery store, because they're seven and what is no nine and twelve.
00:31:26.559 --> 00:31:27.039
Nine and twelve.
00:31:29.440 --> 00:31:31.680
Well, they act like 46 and 30.
00:31:31.920 --> 00:31:36.000
They acted a little younger, you know, in that well anyhow.
00:31:36.160 --> 00:31:42.960
So we we before we go in, we said, okay, you know, we agree on a certain behavior in the store, remember?
00:31:43.200 --> 00:31:46.960
So the behavior I want is like you can't pick anything up.
00:31:47.200 --> 00:31:50.000
Other if I don't ask you to pick it up, then it's great.
00:31:50.079 --> 00:31:53.359
But if I don't ask you, you you're not allowed to pick anything up, okay?
00:31:53.519 --> 00:31:56.240
And we're gonna go through this and you guys are gonna behave.
00:31:56.559 --> 00:32:07.519
And if you don't behave, then we have the consequence that we always have, which is we're going home right away, and um I don't know, you don't get uh dessert.
00:32:08.400 --> 00:32:08.720
Okay.
00:32:09.359 --> 00:32:11.440
Which is a nice way of thinking about it.
00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:15.119
Now consequences in advance.
00:32:15.359 --> 00:32:16.640
That's okay, which is fine.
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:23.519
I'm telling, like, this is this is good, but I feel like that is a skill that someone will get from the practicing.
00:32:24.079 --> 00:32:25.119
Well, uh huh.
00:32:25.279 --> 00:32:32.880
Yeah, yeah, you don't do it the first time, but even the first time you can do something like that that is really and pick something that's that they really love, you know.
00:32:32.960 --> 00:32:41.119
So if you're good and you go with me and we're doing this quick and without interruption, then there could be like then we go out and get some I don't know.
00:32:41.920 --> 00:32:43.759
Uh 10 minutes of tablet or whatever.
00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:47.519
Yeah, or whatever, strawberries or whatever, you know, then you get a watermelon.
00:32:47.599 --> 00:32:53.119
Then we buy a really nice watermelon and we go home and we cut it in pieces and put it in the fridge.
00:32:53.200 --> 00:32:57.519
And then for dinner, after dinner, we can have like watermelon ice cream or whatever.
00:32:57.759 --> 00:33:00.240
Homemade watermelon or something, something they like.
00:33:00.319 --> 00:33:01.519
I mean, you know your kids, you know.
00:33:01.599 --> 00:33:03.440
I don't know your kids, so I'm making this up.
00:33:03.519 --> 00:33:08.160
So it's just like I don't know your kids, so you can't put me in the corner here.
00:33:09.279 --> 00:33:14.400
It's very different if you know the kids because then you know what's you got a 12 and a nine-year-old, and one doesn't like blue shoes.
00:33:14.480 --> 00:33:15.839
You want blue or red shoes, okay?
00:33:15.920 --> 00:33:17.759
That's what you got right now, all right?
00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:23.359
So you're gonna give them a like uh little pre-warning.
00:33:23.519 --> 00:33:28.000
Like, uh, listen, uh I know you came for me, but I I brought you into this world and I will take you back out.
00:33:28.079 --> 00:33:29.440
Is it like that, or is it more like no?
00:33:29.680 --> 00:33:30.960
No, no, it's just kidding.
00:33:31.359 --> 00:33:32.400
It's not like that.
00:33:32.480 --> 00:33:44.880
I I don't, I don't, I mean, I can tell you that the story that where I really messed up with my um parenting, and we it was a situation like that where we went somewhere and we agreed on the consequences.
00:33:45.279 --> 00:33:46.400
Give the details of the story.
00:33:48.240 --> 00:34:01.359
We um had an appointment with friends of us to go to the movies, and um there were we had to drive, so it was like a half an hour drive to get there, and uh it was a movie I wanted to see.
00:34:01.759 --> 00:34:10.480
So we went over in the car, we went over over the behavior, you know, not being rude, no fighting, all the things that we usually do before we go somewhere.
00:34:10.639 --> 00:34:22.239
And I said, and the consequence is one of us is not um following the rule, we're just gonna go back home because that was usually what we did, and I was pretty good at and it happened too.
00:34:22.320 --> 00:34:26.559
Trust me, when you got the car pulled over for all five of your siblings, like it was like prison, man.
00:34:26.800 --> 00:34:30.719
They were like, You suck, like can't you be quiet next time?
00:34:31.199 --> 00:34:37.280
So we went, and you know, I mean, of course, um my colleague Ian here stepped over the line.
00:34:37.360 --> 00:34:53.119
I don't know, something very minor, but it was a stepping over the boundaries, and I really did want to watch that movie, and we were already at my friend's place, so I said, Okay, Ian, this really didn't work, but I'm gonna give you one more chance.
00:34:53.440 --> 00:34:56.639
And man, I lost all my kids that evening.
00:34:56.800 --> 00:35:07.679
Everybody needed another chance, and then for the next three months, I had to work on being on building the trust because every other word out of my kids were can I have one more chance?
00:35:07.760 --> 00:35:10.400
Because it worked one time, it's gonna maybe work again.
00:35:10.480 --> 00:35:11.440
It took me three months.
00:35:11.679 --> 00:35:15.199
We were like synapse aliens, like we heard one like guys.
00:35:15.360 --> 00:35:16.239
She gets one more chance now.
00:35:16.320 --> 00:35:19.199
No, no, the guys we can get away with more.
00:35:19.760 --> 00:35:25.760
Three months I had to fight back for them to trust me that what I say would also be done.
00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:27.679
So it was it was a hard lesson.
00:35:27.840 --> 00:35:30.960
Yeah, no more chances now or never no more chances.
00:35:31.199 --> 00:35:34.800
I also like you you kind of brush over that point, but I feel like it's a good one.
00:35:34.880 --> 00:35:41.679
Like it's also a tool and a pre like the pre-discussion before you go into places, yeah.
00:35:41.920 --> 00:35:46.320
Because sometimes like people just unload the kids from the car and they expect them to behave without telling them what's up.
00:35:46.400 --> 00:35:49.840
Yeah, you know, like you can you can tell your kids what's up, you should tell your kids what's up.
00:35:49.920 --> 00:35:52.559
Like, hey, last time we're in the grocery store, you are a nightmare.
00:35:52.639 --> 00:35:54.960
If you do that again, this will be the last time I bring you with me.
00:35:55.039 --> 00:35:59.599
And if you be if you're cool, then when we go home, we're gonna get like we're gonna get watermelon and ice cream.
00:35:59.679 --> 00:36:01.679
Oh, but like it'd be cool the whole thing, and that's it.
00:36:01.760 --> 00:36:02.400
Like, easy.
00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:06.719
Yeah, it's that this is cold, and we're gonna go into that in another uh episode.
00:36:06.880 --> 00:36:18.960
But this is this is one of the best ways of um doing it because here what you said, you set the boundaries before you go into whatever you're going into, and the boundaries have a consequence.
00:36:19.119 --> 00:36:31.119
So once you're then in the situation and the kid steps over the boundaries, it's not you on the spot trying to find something to correct it, it the kid actually picked the consequence, right?
00:36:31.360 --> 00:36:35.360
So it's not you being the bad guy, yeah, it's the kid picked.
00:36:35.519 --> 00:36:37.119
Yeah, so it's very different.
00:36:37.440 --> 00:36:40.159
It helps you, it's it helps you to stay out of it.
00:36:40.239 --> 00:36:44.719
Yeah, because you just like I mean, you also have to accept that they sometimes pick the consequence, yeah.
00:36:44.800 --> 00:36:45.840
And you have to be okay.
00:36:46.000 --> 00:36:49.360
Don't set a consequence with in my case where we're gonna go straight home.
00:36:49.440 --> 00:36:51.599
I should have picked a different consequence there.
00:36:51.840 --> 00:36:53.840
You know, pick something that you're actually gonna do.
00:36:53.920 --> 00:37:00.079
It's like you can't say, you know, uh if you do that, uh you're never gonna go back to the beach if you live in the beach.
00:37:00.159 --> 00:37:01.519
You know, it's not gonna be a consequence.
00:37:02.079 --> 00:37:02.639
Never ever.
00:37:02.880 --> 00:37:05.280
You're gonna live inside your house, your room.
00:37:06.000 --> 00:37:08.800
You're never coming out, you'll never see the sun again.
00:37:09.920 --> 00:37:17.440
Pick a consequence that you actually can do, and that you will do, and you know, so yeah, that's very, very important.
00:37:17.840 --> 00:37:24.559
Do something you you have you're the parent, you're the coach, you can set up the way you want it to work, you know.
00:37:24.639 --> 00:37:26.639
So do it so it works for you.
00:37:26.960 --> 00:37:28.800
Okay, so here we go.
00:37:29.039 --> 00:37:38.480
In the stove, you've explained what's up, what's not cool, and little Johnny Blue shoes is uh grabbing candies.
00:37:39.039 --> 00:37:40.800
Like, ooh, this one I want.
00:37:41.199 --> 00:37:46.159
And the nine-year-old sees that and looks at you.
00:37:46.639 --> 00:37:47.039
Yep.
00:37:47.599 --> 00:37:48.320
So what's up?
00:37:48.400 --> 00:37:48.960
What are we doing?
00:37:49.360 --> 00:37:53.360
I say, okay, well, you picked up the candy, please put them back.
00:37:53.760 --> 00:37:57.679
And I really um like that blue shoes or with the red shoes.
00:37:57.840 --> 00:37:58.880
Sure, we'll go Johnny blue shoes.
00:37:59.280 --> 00:38:03.840
The the the older one I really um appreciate that you didn't grab anything.
00:38:03.920 --> 00:38:08.239
So you're still gonna go, we're still gonna go home, and you're still gonna get the watermelon.
00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:11.039
But little red shoes won't get the watermelon now.
00:38:11.280 --> 00:38:12.400
Okay, we we need to say so.
00:38:12.480 --> 00:38:14.480
The 12-year-old has grabbed the has been the day.
00:38:14.639 --> 00:38:14.800
Okay.
00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:16.239
Oh, the 12-year-old, okay.
00:38:16.320 --> 00:38:19.440
But he doesn't get the whoever grabbed it, it's like, okay, put it back.
00:38:19.519 --> 00:38:22.239
You know, it's the 12-year-old will be blue shoes, and the nine year old will be red shoes.
00:38:22.480 --> 00:38:23.119
Oh, well, whatever.
00:38:23.760 --> 00:38:25.199
It's a 12 and nine-year-old.
00:38:25.280 --> 00:38:26.320
This is more complicated.
00:38:26.480 --> 00:38:30.079
I can't remember who wears water shoes because I really don't care what shoes they wear.
00:38:30.400 --> 00:38:32.480
The 12-year-old, Johnny blue shoes.
00:38:32.800 --> 00:38:34.400
I don't even remember if it was blue or red.
00:38:34.639 --> 00:38:36.320
So it's the 12-year-old.
00:38:36.880 --> 00:38:40.880
He grabs a candy and is like just puts it in the car.
00:38:41.039 --> 00:38:41.360
Yeah.
00:38:41.840 --> 00:38:42.400
Straight in.
00:38:42.639 --> 00:38:46.079
Yeah, you just take it out and say, nope, that's not what we agreed on, remember?
00:38:46.320 --> 00:38:46.639
Yeah.
00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:51.760
So now um red shoes, nine-year-old, you very well.
00:38:51.840 --> 00:38:52.960
You didn't pick a candy.
00:38:53.119 --> 00:38:54.079
I appreciate that.
00:38:54.480 --> 00:38:56.239
And Johnny, you just tried.
00:38:56.400 --> 00:38:57.679
That's okay because we agree.
00:38:58.159 --> 00:38:59.440
I want that.
00:39:00.159 --> 00:39:02.480
That's too bad because you're not gonna get it.
00:39:03.679 --> 00:39:04.719
What are you doing?
00:39:05.039 --> 00:39:06.239
We had the chance there.
00:39:06.320 --> 00:39:10.639
I gave you the window of like before going in the mood, and now he explodes.
00:39:10.719 --> 00:39:11.760
He goes crazy.
00:39:11.920 --> 00:39:16.800
He's like, Want throwing shit around because we didn't detract him with a game.
00:39:17.440 --> 00:39:17.840
He's too old.
00:39:18.079 --> 00:39:19.920
With a game, I don't care.
00:39:20.239 --> 00:39:22.000
We need to give examples.
00:39:22.719 --> 00:39:24.079
But that's God.
00:39:24.639 --> 00:39:26.639
Like he is too old for that.
00:39:26.800 --> 00:39:27.679
It doesn't matter.
00:39:27.840 --> 00:39:30.559
We have to give them an example of what to do.
00:39:31.599 --> 00:39:34.159
God, I gave you the kid in the store.
00:39:34.400 --> 00:39:34.719
That's right.
00:39:35.039 --> 00:39:38.320
If it would be my kid at a 12-year-old, we said, no, another like that.
00:39:38.639 --> 00:39:40.480
We agreed, we have a consequence.
00:39:40.559 --> 00:39:45.039
I don't give him a game at this point because I already this is a different approach now.
00:39:45.119 --> 00:39:52.880
I gave you to give him a game because you literally said that the candy was a good point to then give them a game and distract them.
00:39:52.960 --> 00:39:55.440
And I gave you the exact same scenario.
00:39:55.679 --> 00:39:56.880
But with a 12-year-old.
00:39:57.599 --> 00:39:59.519
Oh my god, who cares?
00:40:01.760 --> 00:40:03.840
There is a difference between ages.
00:40:05.119 --> 00:40:07.440
Make him whatever fucking age you want.
00:40:07.679 --> 00:40:11.360
He could be a lizard for all I care, okay?
00:40:11.679 --> 00:40:16.559
He could be an embryo, he could be a dolphin, he can be a shark.
00:40:16.719 --> 00:40:18.480
It doesn't matter.
00:40:19.360 --> 00:40:22.800
Same scenario, same candy.
00:40:23.840 --> 00:40:24.800
Now what?
00:40:25.679 --> 00:40:27.840
Well, then you can do whatever you said before.
00:40:28.480 --> 00:40:30.639
Pick 10 red things right here.
00:40:30.719 --> 00:40:35.039
Who can pick which one of you can first show me 10 red things?
00:40:35.119 --> 00:40:40.079
But see what why I don't want to do that because we went to a different approach now.
00:40:40.239 --> 00:40:44.159
We had a consequence in advance on how they're gonna behave in this in this in the store.
00:40:44.320 --> 00:40:46.639
Right, but can't you use games?
00:40:47.199 --> 00:40:51.199
Not if you have another consequence for the whole thing, because otherwise it's confusing.
00:40:51.519 --> 00:40:54.159
You don't want to have them like, okay, they grab it.
00:40:54.320 --> 00:40:58.800
Let's say Okay, maybe the grabbing the candy was too far.
00:40:59.039 --> 00:40:59.280
Right?
00:40:59.360 --> 00:41:04.000
Because he already broke the rule and set the consequence in place.
00:41:04.480 --> 00:41:10.719
But let's say he's being fussy and really wants to grab a candy and keeps like, oh, but I really want it, can I really just get it?
00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:11.199
Can I get it?
00:41:11.280 --> 00:41:11.599
Can I get it?
00:41:11.679 --> 00:41:12.079
Can I get it?
00:41:12.159 --> 00:41:12.480
Can I get it?
00:41:12.639 --> 00:41:13.039
Can I get it?
00:41:13.280 --> 00:41:14.480
Yeah, you're there.
00:41:15.039 --> 00:41:16.559
Okay, there I could do something.
00:41:16.639 --> 00:41:21.920
Because yeah, but why I went in there with the consequences because you have another word.
00:41:22.159 --> 00:41:26.480
Yeah, because and you you you you broke it and you nod your word if you didn't start the game.
00:41:26.960 --> 00:41:32.079
So it's more important for you to say, like, okay, no, that's what I said, that's what I'm gonna do, and that's it.
00:41:32.880 --> 00:41:37.039
Otherwise, um Yeah, literally what we just did second chance.
00:41:37.119 --> 00:41:37.920
Yeah, second chance.
00:41:38.159 --> 00:41:40.000
Um then I do a game instead.
00:41:40.079 --> 00:41:41.199
No, it's a consequence.
00:41:41.280 --> 00:41:42.400
We agreed on it, it's easy.
00:41:42.559 --> 00:41:46.800
Oh, right, because then you use the game as like, oh, instead of the consequence, I'll just do the game.
00:41:47.039 --> 00:41:49.840
Okay, that has so many layers to it.
00:41:50.159 --> 00:41:55.519
So I because I didn't understand that I had gone a step too far.
00:41:55.760 --> 00:41:58.559
You clearly had understood that he had already broken.
00:41:58.639 --> 00:42:06.320
So I went to the point where you he had broken the rule that you had set, and you said, Okay, no, the consequence now stands.
00:42:06.400 --> 00:42:12.400
Yeah, so we need to go and have so that's too late if they go and grab obviously it's too late because you already said that they're not so.
00:42:13.519 --> 00:42:15.039
That's not the what we agreed on.
00:42:15.199 --> 00:42:20.719
No big deal, because we had agreed that what's gonna happen if that happens, and you just pick the consequence.
00:42:20.800 --> 00:42:22.000
Yeah, that's what you want.
00:42:22.079 --> 00:42:23.840
Okay, so you want no ice cream.
00:42:23.920 --> 00:42:25.039
That's cool by me.
00:42:25.199 --> 00:42:28.559
Yeah, but now he's being fussy.
00:42:28.719 --> 00:42:30.960
He's like, Oh, can I can I just get I just want to get this?
00:42:31.039 --> 00:42:31.920
Like, but just let me get this.
00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:33.519
Let me go, let me get let me get let me get this one.
00:42:33.599 --> 00:42:36.719
Okay, but like if I can get just good, you know, that yeah.
00:42:36.960 --> 00:42:43.119
Well, that's still not so you would like I uh what I what can I be?
00:42:43.280 --> 00:42:44.320
What can I give you?
00:42:46.480 --> 00:42:47.519
It's still there.
00:42:47.679 --> 00:42:49.280
You can distract with a game.
00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:53.039
I could I could say, hey, remember what we agreed on?
00:42:53.280 --> 00:42:57.360
Yeah, but also like yeah, hey, remember what we agreed on?
00:42:57.519 --> 00:42:58.719
Okay, cool stuff.
00:42:58.800 --> 00:43:01.920
Why don't you show me how slowly you can go from this aisle to that aisle?
00:43:02.159 --> 00:43:05.440
Yeah, and you could do maybe you could do this and say, remember what we agreed on.
00:43:05.519 --> 00:43:08.719
You just guys, if you need parenting tips, call me, okay?
00:43:09.360 --> 00:43:10.880
I'll let you know.
00:43:11.599 --> 00:43:14.320
You just about you're very close to breaking it.
00:43:14.400 --> 00:43:15.199
So let me see.
00:43:15.440 --> 00:43:17.039
No, let me help you.
00:43:17.519 --> 00:43:23.199
Who can first pick out 10 red cans in the store?
00:43:23.440 --> 00:43:25.679
You or your brother, or something like that.
00:43:25.760 --> 00:43:26.480
You know, you could do that.
00:43:26.639 --> 00:43:34.159
Which is also a terrible example because now you're having them touch all the stuff, running around touching everything when you said specifically find 10 red cans?
00:43:34.400 --> 00:43:36.079
No, they don't find it, just see.
00:43:36.239 --> 00:43:38.400
They see, you know, like I see it again.
00:43:39.440 --> 00:43:40.480
No touch, no touch.
00:43:40.719 --> 00:43:41.519
Got it, got it.
00:43:41.760 --> 00:43:46.719
You don't go tell them pickle, go and see who can steal more strawberries or something either.
00:43:47.280 --> 00:43:49.039
I mean, the grapes, the grapes are free game.
00:43:49.119 --> 00:43:50.159
Everybody knows those grapes out.
00:43:52.960 --> 00:43:55.760
Listen, that was always when money was tight, man.
00:43:55.920 --> 00:43:58.400
Every day, free cookies at Sam's Club.
00:43:58.960 --> 00:43:59.760
Not every day.
00:44:00.400 --> 00:44:01.280
Every day.
00:44:02.559 --> 00:44:03.039
Yeah.
00:44:03.280 --> 00:44:03.920
So yeah.
00:44:04.079 --> 00:44:05.679
See distinction though.
00:44:06.000 --> 00:44:07.440
It is like, it is super close.
00:44:07.519 --> 00:44:15.519
Like it is like for me, even just giving an example, I had already jumped across the boundaries of where the consequence kicks in.
00:44:16.559 --> 00:44:17.920
You have to be a word.
00:44:18.000 --> 00:44:19.360
You have to that's the following.
00:44:19.840 --> 00:44:22.000
Great, but like I'm literally sitting here talking to you.
00:44:22.079 --> 00:44:23.840
We don't have that distraction going on.
00:44:24.000 --> 00:44:26.400
And then it's like, oh, you just gotta find out when that's happening.
00:44:26.559 --> 00:44:27.760
It's like that's tricky shit.
00:44:27.840 --> 00:44:30.320
Like to know when when have they already crossed the line?
00:44:30.480 --> 00:44:31.920
When are they about to cross the line?
00:44:32.159 --> 00:44:33.119
What does that look like?
00:44:33.280 --> 00:44:34.880
And like how do you deal with that?
00:44:35.039 --> 00:44:36.719
It's it's hard.
00:44:38.320 --> 00:44:40.400
It's just you have to be consistent, I think.
00:44:40.719 --> 00:44:45.280
I think parenting is about curiosity, being in your word, being consistent.
00:44:45.599 --> 00:44:45.920
Okay.
00:44:46.320 --> 00:44:55.519
I mean, if you're curious about where the kid is at, and then you you see you you you put up the the boundaries, you put up consequences, and then you be consistent with it.
00:44:55.599 --> 00:45:08.239
And then it's not that then it's that it makes it much easier because whenever you don't have like boundaries with consequences, you have to make stuff up at the at the spot, yeah.
00:45:08.320 --> 00:45:08.880
Which is shit.
00:45:09.119 --> 00:45:23.360
And then you become like the authority again, you know, and it's much easier to get engaged when you're the authority, you're like you're right and they're wrong, and you know, you're like uh you you have the rights to convict, right?
00:45:23.440 --> 00:45:27.199
You're trial and jury and executioner at that point, yeah, yeah.
00:45:27.679 --> 00:45:33.039
Which is like for those of you with a complex, you don't I mean you want that, but for everybody else, you probably don't want that.
00:45:34.320 --> 00:45:38.079
So I'm gonna throw you a little curveball, okay?
00:45:38.400 --> 00:45:44.400
They're all curveballs, but let's say you have we go with my example.
00:45:44.559 --> 00:45:46.159
Grab the candy, put it in the thing.
00:45:46.320 --> 00:45:48.239
You say you're now not gonna get that.
00:45:48.320 --> 00:45:55.920
Yeah, kid crashes out, which means he's like throwing a fit because he's 12.
00:45:56.079 --> 00:45:57.599
We know 12-year-olds do that.
00:45:58.480 --> 00:46:00.000
You know 12-year-olds do that.
00:46:00.239 --> 00:46:02.000
I haven't seen many 12-year-olds do that.
00:46:02.320 --> 00:46:02.880
No idea.
00:46:03.599 --> 00:46:07.199
So then in the store, like five-year-olds, yes.
00:46:07.440 --> 00:46:07.840
Cool.
00:46:08.000 --> 00:46:09.920
Like, but my example is 12.
00:46:10.079 --> 00:46:16.159
Uh, just you know, yes, a little old for that, but listen, like, we're we're we're we're accommodating to all children here.
00:46:16.320 --> 00:46:18.000
You can all, you know, all of them work.
00:46:18.159 --> 00:46:21.280
Um so then you what do you do then?
00:46:21.599 --> 00:46:24.320
Because you know, he is gonna have a fit.
00:46:25.360 --> 00:46:32.159
I mean, do you then in advance have a more intense no?
00:46:32.239 --> 00:46:45.360
If he really throws a fit then there and then I'm probably just like have him go through, make sure he's safe and not hang banging his head, and then but uh with a 12-year-old, I I literally I I don't have it seen a 12-year-old doing that.
00:46:45.599 --> 00:46:46.559
But like pretend like it does, yeah.
00:46:46.960 --> 00:46:50.320
Smaller kids, yeah, you just make sure they're safe and go through the fit and then go.
00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:52.000
Yeah, pick them up and go home.
00:46:52.320 --> 00:46:54.639
Yeah, don't get any and don't make a big deal.
00:46:54.719 --> 00:46:55.199
He picked it.
00:46:55.280 --> 00:46:57.199
So it's not it's none of your business, really.
00:46:57.280 --> 00:46:58.800
I mean, he wants to show a fit, great.
00:46:58.880 --> 00:47:00.719
You know, you wanna you wanna do all day?
00:47:00.960 --> 00:47:01.360
Great.
00:47:01.679 --> 00:47:16.800
But my question is then, like, if if if I if we have this agreement, right, and then we go through and he does it, and I give him the consequence and he has this fit, I will be chill, I'll let him sit there and like go through the stuff, and then we'll go home and then make sure I follow through with the consequence.
00:47:16.880 --> 00:47:19.760
But then I'm gonna sit him down afterwards and be like, hey buddy, that doesn't work.
00:47:20.000 --> 00:47:26.639
Like the next time you do that, it won't just be this, it will be this, and then there will be like you're gonna clean the whole house, like if you act like that in public.
00:47:26.960 --> 00:47:34.239
Maybe not you uh if you do it in a kinder way, you would sit down in a good way because now you're engaged.
00:47:34.320 --> 00:47:47.039
Because yeah, but also it's like you know, you have to like I feel bad for parents out there who have kids screaming like it's annoying for everybody, and it's like see it like I know, but what do you know about the consequence you picked is it didn't work.
00:47:47.280 --> 00:47:49.360
Well, it worked because he's upset that he's not gonna get it.
00:47:49.760 --> 00:47:51.679
No, it didn't work because he Oh, he did it.
00:47:51.840 --> 00:47:55.599
Yeah, he did it, and and he he picked the consequence, it wasn't strong enough.
00:47:55.760 --> 00:47:59.039
So you know one thing, the consequence wasn't good.
00:47:59.199 --> 00:48:02.239
Okay, so you sit and say, Look, I mean, obviously that didn't work.
00:48:02.320 --> 00:48:04.159
You know, the consequence wasn't good enough.
00:48:04.320 --> 00:48:08.320
What do we have to do in order to make you not do this anymore?
00:48:08.480 --> 00:48:11.039
Well, what kinds of what kind of consequence do you need to pick?
00:48:11.199 --> 00:48:17.039
I don't know if you remember the baseball thing we did, you know, when when you played baseball and you got pissed off.
00:48:18.079 --> 00:48:19.119
Oh, yeah, I always used to get pissed off.
00:48:19.760 --> 00:48:30.159
You got pissed off, and then what happened is you got so mad when he struck out, but he took it into the dugout and he kind of uh impacted his teammates too, because he couldn't shake it off.
00:48:30.239 --> 00:48:31.840
And then next AoE effect.
00:48:32.880 --> 00:48:35.199
Next time you went out, you were still kind of mad.
00:48:35.760 --> 00:48:40.159
So we sat and I said, Look, we have to find a way for you to.
00:48:40.320 --> 00:48:50.159
I know I understand that you get mad when you when you don't hit the ball, but you have to find a way to drop it until you can you can be mad until you get to the dog out, and there you have to drop it.
00:48:50.400 --> 00:48:58.159
What kind of consequence would we have to pick for you to act strong enough that you can drop it by the time you get to the dog out?
00:48:58.719 --> 00:49:05.599
And remember, we we we talked about it, and at the time money was important, so um money's always important, yes.
00:49:06.079 --> 00:49:11.920
So you said we we agreed that you would have to pay me five bucks, which was a lot of money for you at the time.
00:49:12.400 --> 00:49:14.639
Still a lot of money right now, five dollars.
00:49:15.199 --> 00:49:18.960
Five bucks if you got mad and took it into the dugout.
00:49:19.840 --> 00:49:25.280
So one game was good, the next game was good, the third game, uh it didn't work.
00:49:25.599 --> 00:49:30.079
You know, you got out again and you walked in there and you couldn't shake it.
00:49:30.239 --> 00:49:35.599
So after that, we sat and said, Look, man, it's it's it it worked for two games, but it's not strong enough.
00:49:35.679 --> 00:49:37.679
We have to up the we have to up the game.
00:49:37.840 --> 00:49:39.440
Let's make it seven bucks.
00:49:39.599 --> 00:49:42.239
And it was no, no, not seven bucks.
00:49:42.320 --> 00:49:44.239
It was like, I mean, Armageddon.
00:49:44.639 --> 00:49:45.280
It worked.
00:49:45.440 --> 00:49:47.760
Yeah, from that from that day on.
00:49:47.920 --> 00:49:49.920
You never had to pay me the seven bucks.
00:49:50.000 --> 00:49:51.280
You were able, it's like for you.
00:49:51.679 --> 00:49:53.440
I was very good at hiding how mad I was.
00:49:53.840 --> 00:49:56.239
But it worked because you didn't you didn't take it into the luggage.
00:49:56.400 --> 00:49:56.480
Right.
00:49:56.719 --> 00:49:57.519
I was like, yeah, all good.
00:49:57.760 --> 00:50:03.280
So that's that's that's how you know if the bat if if your um consequences work or not.
00:50:03.679 --> 00:50:05.519
I mean, if the kit breaks, it it didn't work.
00:50:05.920 --> 00:50:06.719
Right, it's not strong enough.
00:50:06.800 --> 00:50:10.239
Yeah, so you have to find something that actually will make it strong enough.
00:50:10.480 --> 00:50:10.800
Okay.
00:50:10.960 --> 00:50:11.360
Yeah.
00:50:11.599 --> 00:50:13.039
Well, I think that's a good place to leave it.
00:50:13.119 --> 00:50:15.360
Yeah, I think it's uh you know, good, good ending point.
00:50:15.519 --> 00:50:18.079
Um, like always, guys, if you like this, like and subscribe.
00:50:18.159 --> 00:50:21.679
And if you have your questions or anything like that, uh please leave them in the comments.
00:50:21.760 --> 00:50:24.639
And if you have good questions, then maybe it'll become a podcast.
00:50:24.719 --> 00:50:27.679
Uh, anything do you want to say to our if we have any questions?
00:50:27.920 --> 00:50:30.960
Well, if you do have any questions, don't ask them to Ian, please.
00:50:31.199 --> 00:50:34.480
She doesn't know that I control all of this stuff.
00:50:34.639 --> 00:50:37.039
So you can ask me whatever you want.
00:50:37.119 --> 00:50:38.719
She has no idea how this works.
00:50:38.880 --> 00:50:40.800
So ask away.
00:50:41.519 --> 00:50:42.719
See you guys.
00:50:46.639 --> 00:50:47.199
Come on.