Stop Hiding: Paul, Barnabas & Timothy | The 3 Relationships Every Man Needs

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Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
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Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing
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lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
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thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
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to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
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Welcome back to the show. Today, I'd like to
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talk about how most people hide. Two main ways
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that I think of that people do that is they can
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hide from rooms or they can hide from people.
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Now, both are made up of people, but throughout
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this episode, I hope something resonates with
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you about the importance of relationships and
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being known. Something you can't do if you are
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hiding or performing. Now, I talk often on this
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show about how I am a self -labeled recovering
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perfectionist, and that involves performing for
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others for various different reasons, from trying
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to get something like appreciation, love, and
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affection to just looking good. But when you're
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performing, I would argue you are not vulnerable
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enough to be known. And as the great quote goes,
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the wish of every person is to be fully known
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and fully loved. So let's get into it. Now, as
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I've been reflecting on this particular topic,
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something really stuck out to me, that most of
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us are good at being seen, but honestly, pretty
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terrible at being known. I think back to almost
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every kid that you observe with their parents
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saying, mom, dad, look at me, look at me, look
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at me, as they're wanting to do something. And
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you even experience this when you go over to
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other people's houses there and their kids want
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you to watch them do something cool, run really
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fast or catch something or whatever. But the
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fallacy here is that we let people see what we
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want them to see. And there's all sorts of cliches
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and common ideas behind that about wearing a
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mask or putting up a front. or looking a certain
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way, to garner a certain type of caricature of
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yourself. But unfortunately, this facade does
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not allow people to truly get to know you. Now,
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this can lead us into asking why. And as my pastor
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said in a sermon recently, touching on aspects
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of this topic, he said, because it costs us something,
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and once it's out there, it cannot be taken back.
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So the price is not cheap. You have to sacrifice
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something and ego is a part of that formula.
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So to a certain extent, he said that hiding wins
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in the risk assessment unless you start doing
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your math a different way. And that was a solid.
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point that I completely agreed with. Because
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there is a cost to admitting you don't have it
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all figured out, to admitting you have issues
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that you need help navigating, admitting your
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failures, and so many other things. And I think
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to a certain extent, that is why people don't
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pursue certain relationships or groups because
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they are frustrated by people who are not genuine
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and people who are constantly performing, making
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themselves seem greater than they really are.
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And at a certain point, Those kinds of interactions
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just aren't useful to anyone. So that can drive
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people to kind of assume that all types of relationships
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can be this way, especially groups that you can
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be a part of in so many different contexts. Now,
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let's start with the idea of the room first,
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and I'll describe what I mean. You may have heard
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it said that in order to grow, you can't be the
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smartest person in the room. You can't be the
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biggest fish in the room. There's all sorts of
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phrases that people use, but the general idea
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is that you need to position yourself into rooms
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that technically you don't feel you belong. and
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that's by design, so that you can learn things
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that you wouldn't otherwise learn, but also,
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as you grow, recognizing that you have something
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to offer, even if you are the smallest fish in
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that pond, per se. Now, these rooms can be in
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all sorts of different contexts. The easiest
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ones to find are usually ones in business. So
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some are behind a paywall like mentorship groups,
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20 groups, things like that, and others are local
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and free. But all take an intentionality of pursuing
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those kinds of groups, investing the time to
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attend, and also committing yourself to bringing
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something meaningful to the table as well as
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implementing the things that you learn. Now,
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I'm fortunate enough in a leadership role in
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my dealership, I have the ability to attend various
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versions of this in the dealership space. And
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I can tell you this has been a huge part of my...
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personal and professional growth. And the fact
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that a lot of these rooms haven't changed and
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involve a common thread of the same people over
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time has a huge strength in building the depth
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of that community over time. But I'm also a part
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of other communities locally that are volunteer
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-based. And these also have a tremendous amount
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of value, sometimes arguably more, because since
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nobody's paying, except for their time, it's
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easy to make an excuse to not attend. Now, I
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think it's pretty easy to understand what the
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value of groups like this and the value that
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they provide, especially ones in your specific
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arena, whether it's for real estate professionals,
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automotive dealership professionals, or whatever
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your line of work is, the content is going to
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be specific to increasing your success and helping
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you with industry -specific challenges. That
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being said, though, there is another benefit,
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and that is the proximity to people. And the
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more regular and committed you are to some type
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of group like this, the more you will get from
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this particular aspect of community. Now, you
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may think, I don't know if any of these groups
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would really benefit me from being transparent.
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What exactly am I supposed to share with them?
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Well, it would be topic specific, obviously.
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So for an industry specific group. There is a
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difference between the member that is constantly
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posturing themselves, making their business look
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like they have nothing that they're wrestling
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with, and all they have to offer is countless
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and endless advice for everyone else in the room,
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compared to someone who comes to the table with
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things that they're challenged with and asking
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the group for help. There is a type of vulnerability
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that is appropriate for that room that is still
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not easy to engage with. It is far easier to
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give advice or like others, just remain quiet
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and just listen. But something I'd like you to
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consider is what if someone else in that room
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is challenged with the same thing that you are,
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and by you speaking up, you allow that person
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who has not yet found their voice to be able
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to speak up, can learn alongside you without
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you even knowing it's taking place. That's a
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powerful thing. That's being an asset in that
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room through your vulnerability and willingness
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to not hide, which means to an extent, the room
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only works if you're honest in it. And it's arguably
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the worst if it's a room that you're paying for.
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Now, if you're anything like me, you've experienced
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a situation like this where you had the opportunity,
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maybe some internal turmoil of speaking up and
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sharing something that you were challenged with
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only to find the time was running out. And eventually,
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you didn't say anything. Or is that just me?
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So I will say, this has happened to me countless
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times, and I realized over many years that I
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was leaving something on the table. Mainly, my
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learning with that specific question, issue,
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or challenge, but then also outside of myself,
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realizing that, again, if somebody else had that
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same question or challenge, that by me not saying
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anything, that topic... was not addressed at
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all. So I will tell you, that's something that
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I have been working on. When I feel a prompting
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that I think could be beneficial to me, and then
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secondarily, others, I have made it my mission
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to speak up more often, and I'll tell you, there
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really hasn't been a time I have yet regretted
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doing so. So that's my challenge to you in a
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group setting. If you don't have any groups like
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this yet, I recommend that you find a group that
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you can not be the largest fish in the pond,
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not the smartest guy in the room. And maybe for
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you, that starts locally in a business group.
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or another community group that shares similar
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missions and values, whether it's a faith -based
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organization. We have one locally that is called
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Faith at Work, and it brings together professionals
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from the community that all have a faith foundation
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in Christianity, and that has been a huge blessing
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in my life over the years. Or if you need to
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find a conference that is specific to your business
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category, or a 20 group, or a group that is national
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that you can become a member of that helps facilitate
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transparency, in business challenges because
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none of these people are your direct competitors.
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So rather than compared to a real estate group
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that's local, where you might feel challenged
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sharing specific things because you're sharing
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them with your competition, in a group like this,
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you can share it because you know that person
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is states away. These kinds of things can be
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extremely helpful for not just your business,
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obviously, but you personally in so many different
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ways. Now that takes us to the next dimension,
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and that's relationships themselves, which are
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also very easy to hide from. And it's a part
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of my story that I grew up in church all my life.
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And so it's been a part of this normal language
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that I remember always hearing that people put
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masks on when they go to church. They look like
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everything's perfect. They feel the pressure
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to convey that they have everything put together,
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which is part of the issues people have with
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Christianity in general, but that's an entirely
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different conversation. I definitely don't think
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that that is how church should be. And so we
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just talked about how rooms give you the proximity,
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but relationships are what actually does the
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work. And to borrow some additional spiritual
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language, I always describe this as Paul's, Barnabas's,
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and Timothy's. And what I mean by that is I think
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that everyone should have at least one person
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that fits these three descriptions. So three
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people total at a minimum. And what those names
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signify in this situation is everyone needs a
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Paul. That is a individual that is usually older
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than you, more mature, and can function as a
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type of what you would label as a traditional
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mentor for you that you can learn from their
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marriage, their parenting, their professional
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life, and so much more. Next. is a Barnabas,
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someone who is usually, again, generalities,
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usually similar in age to you, in similar walks
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of life. kids generally around the same age,
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and experiencing a lot of the same challenges
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so that you can walk through life together and
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challenge each other through the things that
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you're experiencing. And lastly, everyone needs
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at least one Timothy, and that's someone generally
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younger than you. So if you've been married 10
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to 15 years, this might be someone who is a newlywed
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or been married for just a few years working
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through the challenges of being. married for
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the first time, and building their entire life
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now with someone else involved. And all the challenges
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that come with that, someone that you're pouring
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into that's starting their career and experiencing
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a lot of the challenges that you remember, maybe
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a decade or so before. What's really cool about
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all of these is they are all two -way relationships.
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The fallacy is that in the Paul relationship,
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that's your mentor that you're learning from.
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In the Timothy relationship, you're being the
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mentor to someone else and pouring back. But
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I like what Simon Sinek says about mentorship.
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He believes that true, really productive mentorship
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is a two -way relationship. And he describes
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in very rich detail about how it doesn't matter
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what type of mentorship relationship you have.
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So in my phraseology here, it doesn't matter
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if it's a Paul or a Timothy or the Barnabas in
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between, all of these example relationships have
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the ability to teach you something. And knowing
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that helps your frame of mind when you're learning
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from your older mentor, because you may not know
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in the ways that you are teaching them in the
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things that you are learning, but in the same
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way. I can tell you as someone who has invested
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time and effort into younger generations, I have
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been richly blessed and given tremendous hope
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for the future by the amazing young people that
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I've had the privilege of knowing. So whether
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it's in the room as a whole or in your individual
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relationships, the challenge is to do the opposite
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of hiding. Now we all know how to hide. It is
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the first impulse. Whether someone asks you how
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you're doing or gives you corrective feedback,
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There is always the desire to hide and defend
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yourself. So the reason why we're talking about
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this today is because we're wanting to optimize
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ourselves to press against those general tendencies
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to look for opportunities that you can be known,
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where vulnerability has the power to not just
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change you, but you'll be surprised in moments
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that you are vulnerable and you share things
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with a room or even just individuals, the power
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that that can be not just for you, but for them.
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I've seen plenty of moments where someone decides
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in a group to share something that they've been
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wrestling with only to be met with appreciation
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with other people in the room thanking them for
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their bravery because that gives them the power
00:13:11.629 --> 00:13:14.690
to say, yeah, same thing. I've been experiencing
00:13:14.690 --> 00:13:17.549
that same thing and I haven't had the courage
00:13:17.549 --> 00:13:20.570
to say anything until you gave me that courage.
00:13:20.750 --> 00:13:23.830
That is such a blessing and you can be the catalyst
00:13:23.830 --> 00:13:27.210
for that. The cost is not hiding. which has a
00:13:27.210 --> 00:13:29.549
price. And that's why I speak about relationships
00:13:29.549 --> 00:13:33.409
so often on this channel, because your choice
00:13:33.409 --> 00:13:36.450
in relationships is important. Because if you
00:13:36.450 --> 00:13:38.730
have not surrounded yourself around trustworthy
00:13:38.730 --> 00:13:41.889
people that you can be vulnerable with, then
00:13:41.889 --> 00:13:44.769
to a certain extent, you are trapped by the people
00:13:44.769 --> 00:13:46.669
that you have surrounded yourself with. And it
00:13:46.669 --> 00:13:48.909
makes sense why you've only opened yourself up
00:13:48.909 --> 00:13:51.269
to a certain point. Because if they're not trustworthy
00:13:51.269 --> 00:13:53.740
people, then of course you're going to hide.
00:13:53.840 --> 00:13:56.440
So that's why I'm so passionate about the pursuit
00:13:56.440 --> 00:13:59.080
of healthy relationships and healthy groups.
00:13:59.279 --> 00:14:02.000
Now, recently we had our home dedication where
00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:05.259
our new home was in two by fours and was recently
00:14:05.259 --> 00:14:08.539
framed. And we had a dedication ceremony where
00:14:08.539 --> 00:14:11.120
we invited a ton of people that we've gotten
00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:13.519
to know in the community for over the last 20
00:14:13.519 --> 00:14:16.320
to 25 years and asked them to be a part of the
00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:18.399
dedication. And one thing that I noticed that
00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:20.639
was pretty crazy because I'm not a spring chicken
00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:23.789
anymore is is the different concentric circles
00:14:23.789 --> 00:14:26.710
of being in that community for so many years.
00:14:26.889 --> 00:14:30.110
There were several people that I met first in
00:14:30.110 --> 00:14:32.629
my college days here, and then other relationships
00:14:32.629 --> 00:14:35.909
that were like overlapping Venn diagrams of several
00:14:35.909 --> 00:14:39.169
jobs that I held before I started my dealership
00:14:39.169 --> 00:14:42.840
career. 15 years ago. Obviously, a lot of members
00:14:42.840 --> 00:14:45.500
from my dealership, including my wonderful owners,
00:14:45.720 --> 00:14:47.700
several different church communities that I have
00:14:47.700 --> 00:14:50.440
been a part of over the decades, and then different
00:14:50.440 --> 00:14:52.820
businesses that I've been a part of and just
00:14:52.820 --> 00:14:55.000
business groups that I've been a part of over
00:14:55.000 --> 00:14:57.399
the years, and so many more. And it was such
00:14:57.399 --> 00:15:00.279
a rich blessing to see all of that mapped out
00:15:00.279 --> 00:15:02.480
in front of me and all the different layers and
00:15:02.480 --> 00:15:05.500
how a lot of them knew each other and had connections
00:15:05.500 --> 00:15:07.919
to one another, some that I wasn't even aware
00:15:07.919 --> 00:15:10.049
of, which is super amazing. And you may be thinking
00:15:10.049 --> 00:15:12.169
to yourself, that's awesome. Glad you have that.
00:15:12.230 --> 00:15:14.210
That sucks. I don't have that. How do I even,
00:15:14.289 --> 00:15:16.470
like, I don't even know where I would start.
00:15:16.629 --> 00:15:20.350
The point behind that story is that a lot of
00:15:20.350 --> 00:15:23.929
those individual relationships were built on
00:15:23.929 --> 00:15:28.470
larger groups, groups like a college dorm. to
00:15:28.470 --> 00:15:32.009
a church or faith -based community, to work communities,
00:15:32.289 --> 00:15:34.470
which are huge, almost all of us have a job,
00:15:34.529 --> 00:15:37.009
to business customer relationships that have
00:15:37.009 --> 00:15:39.830
gone on for many years, and so much more. So
00:15:39.830 --> 00:15:42.789
the reason why we started with the room discussion
00:15:42.789 --> 00:15:45.769
in the beginning of this episode was because
00:15:45.769 --> 00:15:50.210
that is often a way that you can find the relationships
00:15:50.210 --> 00:15:53.269
that are worthy of you and the ones that you
00:15:53.269 --> 00:15:55.730
want to surround yourself with and the ones that
00:15:55.730 --> 00:15:58.889
you want. to pursue so how do you start start
00:15:58.889 --> 00:16:02.350
by finding that group that community that you
00:16:02.350 --> 00:16:04.950
can start to become a part of and like i mentioned
00:16:04.950 --> 00:16:07.409
earlier that can be a local volunteer -based
00:16:07.409 --> 00:16:10.429
group like networking groups some of those are
00:16:10.429 --> 00:16:12.570
free some of those are paid but nevertheless
00:16:12.570 --> 00:16:15.230
usually pretty inexpensive if you're a person
00:16:15.230 --> 00:16:18.110
of faith then most faith -based organizations
00:16:18.110 --> 00:16:21.769
have some version of small groups or discipleship
00:16:21.769 --> 00:16:24.419
groups that they have going on where you can
00:16:24.419 --> 00:16:27.659
meet new people. And a lot of times the age spread
00:16:27.659 --> 00:16:30.360
has some variety. Now, some are specifically
00:16:30.360 --> 00:16:33.139
geared towards, you know, new parents or newlyweds
00:16:33.139 --> 00:16:35.379
or college age and things like that. And that
00:16:35.379 --> 00:16:38.679
has like a very Barnabas type feel to them, which
00:16:38.679 --> 00:16:41.139
is a great way to find those kinds of people.
00:16:41.299 --> 00:16:44.340
But also you'll find other groups that are mixed
00:16:44.340 --> 00:16:47.799
with a range of people who are just newly married
00:16:47.799 --> 00:16:50.299
to ones that are middle age to ones that are
00:16:50.299 --> 00:16:52.759
grandparent age. And what's great about those
00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:55.899
is you can find a broad spectrum. There were
00:16:55.899 --> 00:16:58.100
several key people that I've known for almost
00:16:58.100 --> 00:17:00.980
20 years that were at my home dedication that
00:17:00.980 --> 00:17:03.860
were a part of those types of home groups or
00:17:03.860 --> 00:17:06.980
discipleship groups that were our age or older
00:17:06.980 --> 00:17:10.339
that we still have amazing relationships with.
00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:13.140
And that came from pursuing a group like that
00:17:13.140 --> 00:17:15.859
and willing to invest the free time to attend
00:17:15.859 --> 00:17:19.059
weekly, to be vulnerable, to allow yourself to
00:17:19.059 --> 00:17:22.750
be known. to learn from those people, but also
00:17:22.750 --> 00:17:25.109
invest in them when you have the opportunity
00:17:25.109 --> 00:17:27.289
and the heart to do so. Another type of group
00:17:27.289 --> 00:17:29.869
that you can typically find locally are ones
00:17:29.869 --> 00:17:32.369
that work through particular challenges that
00:17:32.369 --> 00:17:35.190
you may be wrestling with. Now, this is obviously
00:17:35.190 --> 00:17:38.349
going to take a commitment from you to step out
00:17:38.349 --> 00:17:40.819
on a limb. And this may begin with you going
00:17:40.819 --> 00:17:43.660
to therapy individually where you can talk to
00:17:43.660 --> 00:17:46.200
someone about something that you may not have
00:17:46.200 --> 00:17:48.559
ever uttered to another human being. I know that
00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:51.019
was something of tremendous value for me when
00:17:51.019 --> 00:17:53.200
I went to therapy for the first time. To give
00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:55.299
someone the opportunity to hear something about
00:17:55.299 --> 00:17:57.779
myself that I was deeply ashamed of and to give
00:17:57.779 --> 00:18:00.940
them the opportunity to give me love, grace,
00:18:01.000 --> 00:18:03.339
and understanding instead of the judgment that
00:18:03.339 --> 00:18:05.700
I was so afraid I was going to get. So a lot
00:18:05.700 --> 00:18:08.099
of times that kind of initial relationship can
00:18:08.099 --> 00:18:11.200
be very helpful before you pursue group -like
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:14.440
relationships like Alcoholics Anonymous or any
00:18:14.440 --> 00:18:17.140
other kind of addiction group where you may not
00:18:17.140 --> 00:18:20.420
be ready to cross that line. But if you are,
00:18:20.539 --> 00:18:23.440
these kinds of groups have a tremendous amount
00:18:23.440 --> 00:18:27.279
of power to transform you typically in some of
00:18:27.279 --> 00:18:30.700
the most powerful and acute ways. Because if
00:18:30.700 --> 00:18:33.599
you're willing to be vulnerable and open with
00:18:33.599 --> 00:18:36.079
something that difficult and that challenging,
00:18:36.240 --> 00:18:39.019
you are known very quickly. And unless you're
00:18:39.019 --> 00:18:41.519
a part of a group that is absolute trash, you
00:18:41.519 --> 00:18:44.599
will receive the gift of understanding, not of
00:18:44.599 --> 00:18:46.400
judgment. And if you've ever experienced that,
00:18:46.480 --> 00:18:48.579
you know what I'm talking about. And if you haven't,
00:18:48.579 --> 00:18:51.019
and that resonates with you on some level, there
00:18:51.019 --> 00:18:53.380
are groups in your local area that you can find
00:18:53.380 --> 00:18:56.160
to begin that process. And it can be something
00:18:56.160 --> 00:18:58.900
where your life will never be the same. And these
00:18:58.900 --> 00:19:01.519
can be faith -based groups or not faith -based
00:19:01.519 --> 00:19:04.000
groups. There are ones like Alcoholics Anonymous,
00:19:04.279 --> 00:19:06.960
Narcotics Anonymous. There are sexual addiction
00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:09.900
groups that are not ones of faith. And there
00:19:09.900 --> 00:19:12.180
are other ones like Celebrate Recovery and other
00:19:12.180 --> 00:19:14.779
types of groups that churches and faith organizations
00:19:14.779 --> 00:19:17.759
hold that are built around the same principles,
00:19:17.839 --> 00:19:21.720
just with an underpinning of faith added to it.
00:19:21.779 --> 00:19:24.619
So either way, my encouragement to you is pick
00:19:24.619 --> 00:19:27.119
a room. Find a room that you have the passion
00:19:27.119 --> 00:19:30.599
to be a part of or have the conviction. to join,
00:19:30.720 --> 00:19:34.160
and then work on not performing, but being present
00:19:34.160 --> 00:19:36.940
and being vulnerable. What can you share to allow
00:19:36.940 --> 00:19:39.440
people to speak into you and also give them the
00:19:39.440 --> 00:19:42.059
opportunity to give you the gift of grace instead
00:19:42.059 --> 00:19:44.519
of judgment? Now that will change your life.
00:19:44.619 --> 00:19:47.220
Now, as I said, these groups, these gatherings,
00:19:47.400 --> 00:19:51.380
these relationships can be paid, but they certainly
00:19:51.380 --> 00:19:54.200
don't have to be. In fact, there is a huge amount
00:19:54.200 --> 00:19:57.799
of value and deep relationships that I have received
00:19:57.799 --> 00:20:00.559
from volunteer -based groups. in various different
00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:02.980
kinds of contexts. And what's beautiful about
00:20:02.980 --> 00:20:05.759
groups like this and developing the relationships
00:20:05.759 --> 00:20:09.519
that come out of these by extension is it creates
00:20:09.519 --> 00:20:12.539
a type of accountability that is on both sides.
00:20:12.740 --> 00:20:14.960
Because if you give someone the gift of vulnerability,
00:20:15.380 --> 00:20:18.619
oftentimes, maybe not in that moment, they will
00:20:18.619 --> 00:20:21.160
give you the gift of vulnerability back. And
00:20:21.160 --> 00:20:24.559
over time, that develops strong bonds to propel
00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:26.859
you into becoming the person that you want to
00:20:26.859 --> 00:20:29.000
be. which is the whole point of the things that
00:20:29.000 --> 00:20:31.619
we discuss on this channel week by week. What
00:20:31.619 --> 00:20:34.519
is a way that you can improve any and every aspect
00:20:34.519 --> 00:20:37.579
of your life? Pick one thing, identify that one
00:20:37.579 --> 00:20:40.619
thing, and start beginning to take single steps
00:20:40.619 --> 00:20:43.599
in that direction to make effective change today.
00:20:43.779 --> 00:20:46.940
Those daily steps over time compound to a manner
00:20:46.940 --> 00:20:49.339
where when you look back, you won't recognize
00:20:49.339 --> 00:20:52.720
yourself, or you'll be laughably embarrassed
00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:55.670
at the person you were just a year ago. because
00:20:55.670 --> 00:20:58.089
you're taking those intentional compounding steps
00:20:58.089 --> 00:21:00.930
every single day in typically various categories,
00:21:01.230 --> 00:21:03.210
especially when you start getting more and more
00:21:03.210 --> 00:21:06.049
confident in your ability to optimize, that it
00:21:06.049 --> 00:21:08.250
really starts to become fun. So bottom line,
00:21:08.329 --> 00:21:11.470
stop hiding. Find a room. Don't perform. Find
00:21:11.470 --> 00:21:14.490
ways to share your true self, your true challenges,
00:21:14.710 --> 00:21:17.470
whether it be personal or business or both. Be
00:21:17.470 --> 00:21:20.490
consistent. And over time, you will find your
00:21:20.490 --> 00:21:23.609
Pauls, your Barnabases, and your Timothys. As
00:21:23.609 --> 00:21:25.700
always. Thanks for listening to the Optimizing
00:21:25.700 --> 00:21:28.400
Beyond podcast. Remember, growth happens when
00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:31.119
you take action. So subscribe, share this with
00:21:31.119 --> 00:21:33.440
a friend, and most importantly, put what you
00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:36.140
learned into practice because as we know, daily
00:21:36.140 --> 00:21:38.079
anything changes everything.