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Hey everyone, welcome to i Communicate.
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If you've ever struggled with holding people accountable, coaching, and difficult conversations, you're in the right place.
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iCommunicate provides fresh perspectives and actionable insights to coach leaders, teams, and individuals.
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Welcome to iCommunicate.
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I am your host and founder of Mindset Go, Mark Altman, and great to have you join us today.
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And we had a really fun topic today.
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We're going to talk about how service norms drive a culture of excellence.
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And, you know, I want to share a story right out of gate to really help you capture the importance of this issue and the word norms and what this even means.
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So a couple weeks ago, I'm out to lunch with my two brothers.
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We do this for our birthdays a few times a year.
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And so we sit down at the table and we go to place our order at the restaurant.
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And we're all pretty picky eaters, especially my oldest brother and myself.
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And so we go to order one of the items on the menu and we ask for an exception.
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We ask if they could do something different, different vegetable, put something on the side, something along those lines.
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We asked to do something different.
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So the waitress's reply was, I'm not sure that we can do that.
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And every time I hear someone say, I'm not sure or I think, I'm like, hmm, you didn't really tell me anything.
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You just told me you're unsure or you think.
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And so whenever someone does that, I stay quiet because I'm curious as to what they're going to say next.
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So I just pause and be silent to see what comes next.
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Because sometimes what comes next is, why don't I go check to see the answer?
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Which is great, right?
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And sometimes what comes next is they're expecting us to give up on our request because they don't feel like going to check, or they're pretty sure they have the answer, so they don't want to check.
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And so to me, when I think about service, to me, your job in service is to meet the needs of your customer.
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And it's not guaranteeing you can do what they ask, but at bare minimum, right, you would go check.
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I mean, frankly, when I used to wait tables back in the day, if I was 95% sure that it was something that the chef or the kitchen was unlikely to do, I would still make the effort of going to check just so the person felt heard and like I was making an effort.
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Because Phil, the worst thing I do is I come back and said, Look, I I advocated on your behalf, I checked with the kitchen, and they just don't do that, right?
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And, you know, it got me thinking, and I looked at my brothers in that moment and I said, you know, if I had a wish, right?
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If I had one wish and I had every server across this country sitting in front of me right now, every restaurant over owner, every server, if I could get them to do anything, I would have two wishes that they would do consistently, without fail.
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These behaviors would be standard norms in the restaurant business, in the hospitality business in general, without fail.
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Now, I want to make sure before I say what these are, before we go any further, if you're not in hospitality, you could absolutely apply this to your business, very much so.
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This transfers virtually across any industry that requires service, which is every industry.
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Okay.
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So these were this is what I said to my brother.
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I said, I have two wishes.
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One, that servers would reflect back what they hear from the customer to make sure they heard it correctly and there was no misinterpretation.
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So the joke I always make when stuff like this happens is when a server comes to the table and wants to memorize my order and doesn't write anything down, my response, I always want to look at the server and go, your memory isn't what will impress me.
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Your accuracy will impress me.
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So imagine if you placed an order and you went around the table, there's two people, three people, four people at the table, and the server says, Okay, before I take this back to the kitchen, can I just repeat back what I heard to make sure I get it right?
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Tell me you aren't pleased when someone does that to confirm what you ordered is correct.
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Right?
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That's huge.
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So, from a service perspective, a standard norm would be to reflect back what you heard to make sure it's correct.
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And it is the ultimate win-win.
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I've talked about it on iCommunicate before.
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It's the ultimate win-win because when you use reflective listening, you either expose misinterpretations about things you misunderstood, or the person feels heard, you get it right.
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It's a it's a no-lose-win-win situation.
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So, standard norm number one would be to reflect back what you heard, especially in the hospitality business.
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And like I said, it applies across the board.
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The second thing that I would have as a norm in this business is when people don't know the answer, they check and they don't say, I'm not sure, I don't think we do that, and hope the conversation ends.
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So there's no such thing as I'm not sure.
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There's no such thing as I think, because those statements by themselves serve nothing, no pun intended.
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So if someone says, I'm not sure, it should be followed by I'll check.
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If someone says I think, it should be followed by I'll check.
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Now you tell me if every restaurant and every server in the country adopted those two standard norms, that they would actually take the time to confirm if something is possible, right?
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And they would reflect back to make sure what is being asked is correct.
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You tell me if those two norms were instituted in communication, how much that would improve service.
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And, you know, what's ironic here is we're talking about the word norms.
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And the definition of a norm is something that is usual, expected, standard.
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It represents a typical behavior, outcome, or rule.
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An exception is something that deviates from the norm.
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So we have a blueprint at Mindset Go that we help companies create this culture of excellence.
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And what is a culture of excellence?
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A culture of excellence is clear standards and expectations, and those clear standards and expectations are driven by norms.
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That's what they're driven by, right?
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Because everybody knows how to communicate, what to communicate, when to communicate, not in a robotic, rigid way, in a foundational structured way.
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And when you talk about norms, the first place you start are what I would call service norms.
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Service norms are internally.
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What is an internal norm?
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How we work with each other, treat each other, communicate with one another, respect each other.
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That is an internal service norm.
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An external service norm is how we work with customers, right?
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Customer-focused behaviors, how we communicate with them, treat them, respect them, serve them, right?
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But if you are a company and you have a vision to deliver legendary customer service, I don't know what that means.
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I know I'd like to aspire to it, but I don't know what it actually means.
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But see, when you put defined norms and behaviors that make up deliver legendary service, now I know how I'm going to be held accountable.
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And by the way, when you look at a culture of excellence, I talked about the importance of clear standards and expectations, but a culture of excellence is also defined by continuous learning and improvement.
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It's accountable and responsible behavior, it's collaboration in support of one another, it's recognition and reinforcement.
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But what do those things mean?
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They're just fancy buzzwords in corporate America.
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Who doesn't want to collaborate and support one another?
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Who doesn't want to be accountable?
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We all, in theory, they're all things to aspire to, but we got to define what the concepts and terminology mean.
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And here's the crazy thing about norms and exceptions, right?
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So let's go back to the restaurant industry.
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Have you ever had an experience, right, where you go to a restaurant and you order something a certain way, right?
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And the server says, you know, I'm not sure we can do that.
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Let me check.
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And then they come back and they say, Yeah, the chef says he's willing to do that or she's willing to do that, right?
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And you're happy.
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As a customer, you feel like that's good service.
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We appreciate the exception being made.
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I I don't see exceptions as expectations.
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I see them as requests.
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But we're happy when they come back and make that exception.
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Now, now, fast forward a little bit.
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You go back to that restaurant again a couple of months later, right?
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And then you make the same request.
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And now the server goes back to the kitchen and says, Yeah, we're not able to do that.
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You know, the first thing that goes through a person's head in that place is, well, you did it last time.
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Why can't you do it this time?
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And you see, that's the thing about exceptions.
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And I can't say it any other way because once someone makes an exception, you've set a precedent, you've set a pattern.
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Think about if you make a billing concession to a customer, you reduce your price, you make a billing concession.
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Well, you've set a precedent and a pattern.
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Now they come back the next time and they feel they can do it again because you've set that precedent or pattern.
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So this is what I mean about a norm and an exception.
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I'm not saying you can never make exceptions.
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I'm saying that if you make an exception, you better communicate just that, that it is clearly an exception.
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So, for instance, what that would look like in the restaurant business, as an example, is you would say, hey, listen, we can do this.
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Normally we don't do this, and we're willing to do it tonight because we're not as busy, the chef has more time.
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I just want to set the expectation that when you come in, if you come in again, that we cannot guarantee we would be able to do this.
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That's good communication to prevent that expectation from happening moving forward.
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If I make a concession for a customer on pricing, or one of our clients makes a concession for a customer on pricing, I always say, look, this is a one-time thing.
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This is not something we normally do.
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We're willing to do it in this case because dot, dot, dot.
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But again, you have to add the extra piece so that exception doesn't become an expectation.
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And in the workplace, when you talk about a culture of excellence, everybody can't have different sets of rules.
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You know, we we work with companies that they'll say, well, some managers allow people to come in, go home early, and some managers allow people to work remotely three days a week, and versus other managers only allow one, or some managers make performance standard exceptions.
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If you do not have alignment on what the norms of the culture should be to achieve a culture of excellence, you have a problem.
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And I want to make sure everybody understands when you talk about norms versus exceptions, a norm is not perfection, it is not perfection.
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If the norm is to be emotionally agile in the workplace, you know, we coach people to be emotionally agile communicators.
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So if a norm in the workplace, right, is when we get triggered or frustrated or disappointment, if the norm is to communicate with that person by defaulting to curiosity and suspending judgment.
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So the norm is I have someone that worked for me, they just missed a deadline, the project they submitted wasn't up to quality or standards of excellence.
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So instead of just coming down on them or being punitive or calling them out, my response is hey, Joe, I gotta ask you.
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I just want to be curious what was your understanding of what the deadline was, or what was your understanding about the project scope and requirements, or something along those lines with a curious tone.
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Because if that's a norm, right, that's how we collaborate, resolve conflict, communicate when we're frustrated and disappointed, then that creates an opportunity for transparency, psychological safety, and just dialogue to solve a problem.
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Now, if I am outstanding at defaulting to curiosity and suspending judgment, right, then that doesn't mean I'm perfect.
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If it's the norm in how I communicate with people, it doesn't mean I'm perfect.
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Because what's going to happen is over the course of a year, there's going to be times when I get triggered, having a bad day.
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Maybe I'm overtired, I'm human, and I don't default to curiosity and suspend judgment.
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Maybe I take a judgmental tone.
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Maybe I give someone a look.
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Um, maybe I act irritated with my word choice.
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I don't know.
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I mean, I do this for a living, I'm pretty good at it, but I'm not perfect at it.
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And the reason why this is important is because if I have every day, we have multiple opportunities to be disappointed, frustrated, and have unmet expectations.
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So if you, and I'm making this number up to make a point, if I have five chances a day to default to curiosity and suspend judgment, which is on the low side, I assure you, and there's 365 days a year, right, you're talking 1,825 opportunities over the course of the year to default to curiosity and suspend judgment.
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Okay.
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Well, if 80 to 90 percent of the time I do that with intentionality, with commitment, and that's a norm, then the times I don't, people will see it as an exception.
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They're more likely to give me latitude, forgiveness, understanding because it's not my normal behavior, it's an exception.
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And when you are trying to achieve excellence, excellence is a big word, right?
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And I want to make sure we're not confusing excellence with perfection.
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They are not the same thing.
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Excellence is a standard to be intentional about how we act towards one another, how we lead people, how we coach and develop people.
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Recognizing and being highly self-aware, taking advantage of opportunities for reflection.
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You know, one of the elements of a culture of excellence is continuous learning.
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So that's an opportunity to grow and improve and recognize how we can be better, not to come down on people or beat ourselves up, but just to value continuous improvement, doing postmortems, reflecting on jobs, reflecting on interactions, doing pre-mortems to prepare for what's to come and reflecting to prepare.
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So these are all really important.
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And you know, the reality of all this is that I want predictability.
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I don't want robotic behavior, but I want predictability.
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People, what is peace of mind?
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Peace of mind is being able to relax, not be anxious, being stressed.
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What creates peace of mind?
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Predictability.
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What creates predictability?
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Norms.
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Knowing what to expect from people's performance, their leadership style, their communication style, that's what that's what creates predictability.
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And then the question is, right?
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As we started developing this culture of excellence, we started to feel like, well, what's the difference between internal customer service and external customer service?
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Shouldn't really be much of anything.
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You know, when you look at, and I'm gonna read some examples that we coach, right?
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If you look at examples of what creates predictability and norms for service in a culture of excellence, internally or externally, how about this?
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People do what they say they're gonna do.
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If you tell me you're gonna get back to me by noon tomorrow, you get back to me by noon tomorrow.
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If you tell me you're gonna finish a project by Friday, you finish a project by Friday.
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And if you're not able to finish the project by Friday, you let me know in advance so we can come up with a plan B.
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What's the difference?
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I mean, if I was treating customers outside my organization or trust customers my own team, I would want to do the same thing.
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What's the difference whether it's inside or outside?
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How about not making excuses?
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How about, you know, owning mistakes?
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You know, how about offering solutions and not just complaining about problems?
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I mean, these are all ways we want to be communicating with each other inside or outside the workplace.
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And things like listening to understand and not reply, and leading with empathy and not criticism, these are all elements of standard service norms in the workplace.
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And outside the workplace for that matter.
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You know, communication isn't isn't manipulative, it's not intended, it could be, but again, this comes down to your intention and motivation for doing what you're doing.
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And serving people, right?
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Servant leadership, serving people in restaurants, serving your customers doesn't mean being a doormat, right?
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We're not proposing that you enable inappropriate behavior and you allow yourself to get punched in the face when people don't treat you well.
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That that's not what serving people is.
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Serving people is helping inspire people to take the actions that you'd like them to take.
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It's allowing people to feel heard and understood, it's helping people recognize where their blind spots may be by asking questions and not telling them where they're wrong.
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When someone leads with criticism or points out flaws in something I'm doing, I would have every reason to be frustrated, whether it's wrong or right, just maybe because of the delivery of it.
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So if I have a customer that calls me up and accuses mindset go, thank God this hasn't happened.
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But if I had a customer that calls me up and accuses us of this, that, and the other thing, whether it's true or not, my response is going to be to default to curiosity and suspend judgment.
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Not defend myself, not not try to prove I'm right, not make excuses, not justify my behavior.
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The norm in how I treat people is to better understand how they got to that perspective in the first place.
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Right?
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Not be a doormat.
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Right?
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Because the customer isn't always right, but they're still the customer.
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And what that actually means is you still got to treat people a certain way, whether whether or not they're right or not.
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That that's what we're talking about.
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So I want you to really reflect on this episode of I Communicate, because what we're really talking about is what are your norms, right?
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What are the norms in your relationship with your partner?
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You know, one of the things I talk about with my girlfriend is that in our relationship, one of the norms is we don't put each other down in front of other people.
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And you might think, well, like, of course, right?
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That's right, but that but that's not standard.
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We hear other couples putting each other down all the time.
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Time.
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In front of other people, we don't do that.
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That's a norm.
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That's a standard of how we treat each other.
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We don't do that.
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What's a norm in your family culture?
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Right?
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When you look at the joke I always get when I ask people, what are your norms?
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They say, well, dysfunctional.
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Ha ha ha.
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Well, maybe.
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But there's certain things that if I was to sit and have dinner with your family or spend time with your family, there's certain accepted norms and practices that your family is just so used to each other that it works for your family.
00:22:35.039 --> 00:22:36.240
It's part of your culture.
00:22:36.400 --> 00:22:38.079
It may not work for other families.
00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:42.799
It may not work for outsiders that come into your family, but it works for your family.
00:22:44.000 --> 00:22:51.039
So the reality is you have norms with your children and what your family culture is.
00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:52.720
You have norms with your partner.
00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:55.200
You even have norms in your friendships.
00:22:56.240 --> 00:23:09.759
But really being able to define what you expect, what these behaviors are, and if you don't define what those norms are, then it can be very difficult to hold people accountable.
00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:18.720
I was coaching someone a few years ago, and he said to me in a session, he's like, you know, it's really frustrating.
00:23:18.880 --> 00:23:19.920
My wife doesn't work.
00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:27.359
I come home from work, and you know, I expect the house to be clean, and it's not clean.
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:30.160
And I said, Define clean.
00:23:30.400 --> 00:23:34.000
Your definition of clean may be different than her definition of clean.
00:23:34.160 --> 00:23:37.519
What is the what are the norms for a clean house?
00:23:37.839 --> 00:23:51.759
If you ask your son or daughter to clean their room and they think it's clean and you think it's not clean at all, well, no laundry on the floor, no trash on the floor, all clutter put away, clothes hung, you'd have to define what the norms are for a clean room.
00:23:51.839 --> 00:23:53.119
I'm serious.
00:23:53.519 --> 00:24:05.839
So whenever you have conflict or disappointment or frustration, it's usually one of the top reasons, hands down, are misaligned expectations.
00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:08.640
And you know where misaligned expectations come from?
00:24:08.880 --> 00:24:14.000
A lack of clear, defined norms and behaviors.
00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:15.920
That's where it comes from.
00:24:16.720 --> 00:24:21.279
So the next time you go out to eat, pay attention.
00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:26.319
Are they doing things off memory or are they reflecting back what they heard?
00:24:26.640 --> 00:24:36.240
And by the way, if they are doing it off memory, and you do have multiple people at the at the time, aren't there times when they come back off memory and they actually get your order right?
00:24:36.400 --> 00:24:37.279
You're like, wow, I'm amazed.
00:24:37.359 --> 00:24:39.119
I'm amazed that they remembered all that.
00:24:39.359 --> 00:24:41.759
Why add the degree of difficulty?
00:24:42.319 --> 00:24:47.200
Like, there's no reason to add a degree of difficulty to communication when you don't have to.
00:24:48.000 --> 00:24:56.240
And there is no such thing as I think or I'm not sure because it's irrelevant and not helpful.
00:24:56.640 --> 00:24:59.680
If you're not sure and you think, find out.
00:24:59.920 --> 00:25:04.480
And if you don't have the answer, point me to someone who can, who has the answer.
00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:07.839
That's meaningful, that's useful, that's service.
00:25:08.720 --> 00:25:20.559
So thank you for joining us for I Communicate in this episode and continue to strive for a culture of excellence in all relationships in your life, and certainly in your company.
00:25:20.720 --> 00:25:22.240
We'll see you next time.
00:00:05.040 --> 00:00:07.679
Hey everyone, welcome to i Communicate.
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If you've ever struggled with holding people accountable, coaching, and difficult conversations, you're in the right place.
00:00:14.240 --> 00:00:20.640
iCommunicate provides fresh perspectives and actionable insights to coach leaders, teams, and individuals.
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Welcome to iCommunicate.
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I am your host and founder of Mindset Go, Mark Altman, and great to have you join us today.
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And we had a really fun topic today.
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We're going to talk about how service norms drive a culture of excellence.
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And, you know, I want to share a story right out of gate to really help you capture the importance of this issue and the word norms and what this even means.
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So a couple weeks ago, I'm out to lunch with my two brothers.
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We do this for our birthdays a few times a year.
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And so we sit down at the table and we go to place our order at the restaurant.
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And we're all pretty picky eaters, especially my oldest brother and myself.
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And so we go to order one of the items on the menu and we ask for an exception.
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We ask if they could do something different, different vegetable, put something on the side, something along those lines.
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We asked to do something different.
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So the waitress's reply was, I'm not sure that we can do that.
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And every time I hear someone say, I'm not sure or I think, I'm like, hmm, you didn't really tell me anything.
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You just told me you're unsure or you think.
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And so whenever someone does that, I stay quiet because I'm curious as to what they're going to say next.
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So I just pause and be silent to see what comes next.
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Because sometimes what comes next is, why don't I go check to see the answer?
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Which is great, right?
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And sometimes what comes next is they're expecting us to give up on our request because they don't feel like going to check, or they're pretty sure they have the answer, so they don't want to check.
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And so to me, when I think about service, to me, your job in service is to meet the needs of your customer.
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And it's not guaranteeing you can do what they ask, but at bare minimum, right, you would go check.
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I mean, frankly, when I used to wait tables back in the day, if I was 95% sure that it was something that the chef or the kitchen was unlikely to do, I would still make the effort of going to check just so the person felt heard and like I was making an effort.
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Because Phil, the worst thing I do is I come back and said, Look, I I advocated on your behalf, I checked with the kitchen, and they just don't do that, right?
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And, you know, it got me thinking, and I looked at my brothers in that moment and I said, you know, if I had a wish, right?
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If I had one wish and I had every server across this country sitting in front of me right now, every restaurant over owner, every server, if I could get them to do anything, I would have two wishes that they would do consistently, without fail.
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These behaviors would be standard norms in the restaurant business, in the hospitality business in general, without fail.
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Now, I want to make sure before I say what these are, before we go any further, if you're not in hospitality, you could absolutely apply this to your business, very much so.
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This transfers virtually across any industry that requires service, which is every industry.
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Okay.
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So these were this is what I said to my brother.
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I said, I have two wishes.
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One, that servers would reflect back what they hear from the customer to make sure they heard it correctly and there was no misinterpretation.
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So the joke I always make when stuff like this happens is when a server comes to the table and wants to memorize my order and doesn't write anything down, my response, I always want to look at the server and go, your memory isn't what will impress me.
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Your accuracy will impress me.
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So imagine if you placed an order and you went around the table, there's two people, three people, four people at the table, and the server says, Okay, before I take this back to the kitchen, can I just repeat back what I heard to make sure I get it right?
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Tell me you aren't pleased when someone does that to confirm what you ordered is correct.
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Right?
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That's huge.
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So, from a service perspective, a standard norm would be to reflect back what you heard to make sure it's correct.
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And it is the ultimate win-win.
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I've talked about it on iCommunicate before.
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It's the ultimate win-win because when you use reflective listening, you either expose misinterpretations about things you misunderstood, or the person feels heard, you get it right.
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It's a it's a no-lose-win-win situation.
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So, standard norm number one would be to reflect back what you heard, especially in the hospitality business.
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And like I said, it applies across the board.
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The second thing that I would have as a norm in this business is when people don't know the answer, they check and they don't say, I'm not sure, I don't think we do that, and hope the conversation ends.
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So there's no such thing as I'm not sure.
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There's no such thing as I think, because those statements by themselves serve nothing, no pun intended.
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So if someone says, I'm not sure, it should be followed by I'll check.
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If someone says I think, it should be followed by I'll check.
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Now you tell me if every restaurant and every server in the country adopted those two standard norms, that they would actually take the time to confirm if something is possible, right?
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And they would reflect back to make sure what is being asked is correct.
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You tell me if those two norms were instituted in communication, how much that would improve service.
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And, you know, what's ironic here is we're talking about the word norms.
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And the definition of a norm is something that is usual, expected, standard.
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It represents a typical behavior, outcome, or rule.
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An exception is something that deviates from the norm.
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So we have a blueprint at Mindset Go that we help companies create this culture of excellence.
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And what is a culture of excellence?
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A culture of excellence is clear standards and expectations, and those clear standards and expectations are driven by norms.
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That's what they're driven by, right?
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Because everybody knows how to communicate, what to communicate, when to communicate, not in a robotic, rigid way, in a foundational structured way.
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And when you talk about norms, the first place you start are what I would call service norms.
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Service norms are internally.
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What is an internal norm?
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How we work with each other, treat each other, communicate with one another, respect each other.
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That is an internal service norm.
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An external service norm is how we work with customers, right?
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Customer-focused behaviors, how we communicate with them, treat them, respect them, serve them, right?
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But if you are a company and you have a vision to deliver legendary customer service, I don't know what that means.
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I know I'd like to aspire to it, but I don't know what it actually means.
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But see, when you put defined norms and behaviors that make up deliver legendary service, now I know how I'm going to be held accountable.
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And by the way, when you look at a culture of excellence, I talked about the importance of clear standards and expectations, but a culture of excellence is also defined by continuous learning and improvement.
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It's accountable and responsible behavior, it's collaboration in support of one another, it's recognition and reinforcement.
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But what do those things mean?
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They're just fancy buzzwords in corporate America.
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Who doesn't want to collaborate and support one another?
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Who doesn't want to be accountable?
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We all, in theory, they're all things to aspire to, but we got to define what the concepts and terminology mean.
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And here's the crazy thing about norms and exceptions, right?
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So let's go back to the restaurant industry.
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Have you ever had an experience, right, where you go to a restaurant and you order something a certain way, right?
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And the server says, you know, I'm not sure we can do that.
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Let me check.
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And then they come back and they say, Yeah, the chef says he's willing to do that or she's willing to do that, right?
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And you're happy.
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As a customer, you feel like that's good service.
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We appreciate the exception being made.
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I I don't see exceptions as expectations.
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I see them as requests.
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But we're happy when they come back and make that exception.
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Now, now, fast forward a little bit.
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You go back to that restaurant again a couple of months later, right?
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And then you make the same request.
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And now the server goes back to the kitchen and says, Yeah, we're not able to do that.
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You know, the first thing that goes through a person's head in that place is, well, you did it last time.
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Why can't you do it this time?
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And you see, that's the thing about exceptions.
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And I can't say it any other way because once someone makes an exception, you've set a precedent, you've set a pattern.
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Think about if you make a billing concession to a customer, you reduce your price, you make a billing concession.
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Well, you've set a precedent and a pattern.
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Now they come back the next time and they feel they can do it again because you've set that precedent or pattern.
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So this is what I mean about a norm and an exception.
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I'm not saying you can never make exceptions.
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I'm saying that if you make an exception, you better communicate just that, that it is clearly an exception.
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So, for instance, what that would look like in the restaurant business, as an example, is you would say, hey, listen, we can do this.
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Normally we don't do this, and we're willing to do it tonight because we're not as busy, the chef has more time.
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I just want to set the expectation that when you come in, if you come in again, that we cannot guarantee we would be able to do this.
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That's good communication to prevent that expectation from happening moving forward.
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If I make a concession for a customer on pricing, or one of our clients makes a concession for a customer on pricing, I always say, look, this is a one-time thing.
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This is not something we normally do.
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We're willing to do it in this case because dot, dot, dot.
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But again, you have to add the extra piece so that exception doesn't become an expectation.
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And in the workplace, when you talk about a culture of excellence, everybody can't have different sets of rules.
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You know, we we work with companies that they'll say, well, some managers allow people to come in, go home early, and some managers allow people to work remotely three days a week, and versus other managers only allow one, or some managers make performance standard exceptions.
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If you do not have alignment on what the norms of the culture should be to achieve a culture of excellence, you have a problem.
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And I want to make sure everybody understands when you talk about norms versus exceptions, a norm is not perfection, it is not perfection.
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If the norm is to be emotionally agile in the workplace, you know, we coach people to be emotionally agile communicators.
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So if a norm in the workplace, right, is when we get triggered or frustrated or disappointment, if the norm is to communicate with that person by defaulting to curiosity and suspending judgment.
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So the norm is I have someone that worked for me, they just missed a deadline, the project they submitted wasn't up to quality or standards of excellence.
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So instead of just coming down on them or being punitive or calling them out, my response is hey, Joe, I gotta ask you.
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I just want to be curious what was your understanding of what the deadline was, or what was your understanding about the project scope and requirements, or something along those lines with a curious tone.
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Because if that's a norm, right, that's how we collaborate, resolve conflict, communicate when we're frustrated and disappointed, then that creates an opportunity for transparency, psychological safety, and just dialogue to solve a problem.
00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:11.200
Now, if I am outstanding at defaulting to curiosity and suspending judgment, right, then that doesn't mean I'm perfect.
00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:14.960
If it's the norm in how I communicate with people, it doesn't mean I'm perfect.
00:14:15.120 --> 00:14:22.080
Because what's going to happen is over the course of a year, there's going to be times when I get triggered, having a bad day.
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Maybe I'm overtired, I'm human, and I don't default to curiosity and suspend judgment.
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Maybe I take a judgmental tone.
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Maybe I give someone a look.
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Um, maybe I act irritated with my word choice.
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I don't know.
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I mean, I do this for a living, I'm pretty good at it, but I'm not perfect at it.
00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:52.000
And the reason why this is important is because if I have every day, we have multiple opportunities to be disappointed, frustrated, and have unmet expectations.
00:14:52.159 --> 00:15:15.679
So if you, and I'm making this number up to make a point, if I have five chances a day to default to curiosity and suspend judgment, which is on the low side, I assure you, and there's 365 days a year, right, you're talking 1,825 opportunities over the course of the year to default to curiosity and suspend judgment.
00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:16.240
Okay.
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Well, if 80 to 90 percent of the time I do that with intentionality, with commitment, and that's a norm, then the times I don't, people will see it as an exception.
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They're more likely to give me latitude, forgiveness, understanding because it's not my normal behavior, it's an exception.
00:15:43.919 --> 00:15:49.279
And when you are trying to achieve excellence, excellence is a big word, right?
00:15:49.679 --> 00:15:54.480
And I want to make sure we're not confusing excellence with perfection.
00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:56.799
They are not the same thing.
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Excellence is a standard to be intentional about how we act towards one another, how we lead people, how we coach and develop people.
00:16:09.919 --> 00:16:15.679
Recognizing and being highly self-aware, taking advantage of opportunities for reflection.
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You know, one of the elements of a culture of excellence is continuous learning.
00:16:20.240 --> 00:16:41.279
So that's an opportunity to grow and improve and recognize how we can be better, not to come down on people or beat ourselves up, but just to value continuous improvement, doing postmortems, reflecting on jobs, reflecting on interactions, doing pre-mortems to prepare for what's to come and reflecting to prepare.
00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:45.279
So these are all really important.
00:16:46.320 --> 00:16:56.320
And you know, the reality of all this is that I want predictability.
00:16:57.039 --> 00:17:01.039
I don't want robotic behavior, but I want predictability.
00:17:01.279 --> 00:17:03.840
People, what is peace of mind?
00:17:04.160 --> 00:17:12.160
Peace of mind is being able to relax, not be anxious, being stressed.
00:17:12.319 --> 00:17:13.920
What creates peace of mind?
00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:15.440
Predictability.
00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:18.319
What creates predictability?
00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:19.279
Norms.
00:17:19.759 --> 00:17:28.559
Knowing what to expect from people's performance, their leadership style, their communication style, that's what that's what creates predictability.
00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:35.440
And then the question is, right?
00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:46.000
As we started developing this culture of excellence, we started to feel like, well, what's the difference between internal customer service and external customer service?
00:17:47.039 --> 00:17:49.519
Shouldn't really be much of anything.
00:17:54.160 --> 00:17:59.440
You know, when you look at, and I'm gonna read some examples that we coach, right?
00:17:59.759 --> 00:18:10.160
If you look at examples of what creates predictability and norms for service in a culture of excellence, internally or externally, how about this?
00:18:10.400 --> 00:18:12.400
People do what they say they're gonna do.
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If you tell me you're gonna get back to me by noon tomorrow, you get back to me by noon tomorrow.
00:18:18.559 --> 00:18:22.960
If you tell me you're gonna finish a project by Friday, you finish a project by Friday.
00:18:23.039 --> 00:18:30.480
And if you're not able to finish the project by Friday, you let me know in advance so we can come up with a plan B.
00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:32.880
What's the difference?
00:18:33.039 --> 00:18:39.119
I mean, if I was treating customers outside my organization or trust customers my own team, I would want to do the same thing.
00:18:39.440 --> 00:18:41.759
What's the difference whether it's inside or outside?
00:18:42.079 --> 00:18:45.839
How about not making excuses?
00:18:46.319 --> 00:18:49.039
How about, you know, owning mistakes?
00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:53.920
You know, how about offering solutions and not just complaining about problems?
00:18:54.079 --> 00:19:00.559
I mean, these are all ways we want to be communicating with each other inside or outside the workplace.
00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:15.920
And things like listening to understand and not reply, and leading with empathy and not criticism, these are all elements of standard service norms in the workplace.
00:19:16.559 --> 00:19:19.039
And outside the workplace for that matter.
00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:31.039
You know, communication isn't isn't manipulative, it's not intended, it could be, but again, this comes down to your intention and motivation for doing what you're doing.
00:19:31.440 --> 00:19:35.440
And serving people, right?
00:19:35.920 --> 00:19:44.480
Servant leadership, serving people in restaurants, serving your customers doesn't mean being a doormat, right?
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We're not proposing that you enable inappropriate behavior and you allow yourself to get punched in the face when people don't treat you well.
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That that's not what serving people is.
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Serving people is helping inspire people to take the actions that you'd like them to take.
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It's allowing people to feel heard and understood, it's helping people recognize where their blind spots may be by asking questions and not telling them where they're wrong.
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When someone leads with criticism or points out flaws in something I'm doing, I would have every reason to be frustrated, whether it's wrong or right, just maybe because of the delivery of it.
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So if I have a customer that calls me up and accuses mindset go, thank God this hasn't happened.
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But if I had a customer that calls me up and accuses us of this, that, and the other thing, whether it's true or not, my response is going to be to default to curiosity and suspend judgment.
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Not defend myself, not not try to prove I'm right, not make excuses, not justify my behavior.
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The norm in how I treat people is to better understand how they got to that perspective in the first place.
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Right?
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Not be a doormat.
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Right?
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Because the customer isn't always right, but they're still the customer.
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And what that actually means is you still got to treat people a certain way, whether whether or not they're right or not.
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That that's what we're talking about.
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So I want you to really reflect on this episode of I Communicate, because what we're really talking about is what are your norms, right?
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What are the norms in your relationship with your partner?
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You know, one of the things I talk about with my girlfriend is that in our relationship, one of the norms is we don't put each other down in front of other people.
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And you might think, well, like, of course, right?
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That's right, but that but that's not standard.
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We hear other couples putting each other down all the time.
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Time.
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In front of other people, we don't do that.
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That's a norm.
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That's a standard of how we treat each other.
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We don't do that.
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What's a norm in your family culture?
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Right?
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When you look at the joke I always get when I ask people, what are your norms?
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They say, well, dysfunctional.
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Ha ha ha.
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Well, maybe.
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But there's certain things that if I was to sit and have dinner with your family or spend time with your family, there's certain accepted norms and practices that your family is just so used to each other that it works for your family.
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It's part of your culture.
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It may not work for other families.
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It may not work for outsiders that come into your family, but it works for your family.
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So the reality is you have norms with your children and what your family culture is.
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You have norms with your partner.
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You even have norms in your friendships.
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But really being able to define what you expect, what these behaviors are, and if you don't define what those norms are, then it can be very difficult to hold people accountable.
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I was coaching someone a few years ago, and he said to me in a session, he's like, you know, it's really frustrating.
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My wife doesn't work.
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I come home from work, and you know, I expect the house to be clean, and it's not clean.
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And I said, Define clean.
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Your definition of clean may be different than her definition of clean.
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What is the what are the norms for a clean house?
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If you ask your son or daughter to clean their room and they think it's clean and you think it's not clean at all, well, no laundry on the floor, no trash on the floor, all clutter put away, clothes hung, you'd have to define what the norms are for a clean room.
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I'm serious.
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So whenever you have conflict or disappointment or frustration, it's usually one of the top reasons, hands down, are misaligned expectations.
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And you know where misaligned expectations come from?
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A lack of clear, defined norms and behaviors.
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That's where it comes from.
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So the next time you go out to eat, pay attention.
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Are they doing things off memory or are they reflecting back what they heard?
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And by the way, if they are doing it off memory, and you do have multiple people at the at the time, aren't there times when they come back off memory and they actually get your order right?
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You're like, wow, I'm amazed.
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I'm amazed that they remembered all that.
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Why add the degree of difficulty?
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Like, there's no reason to add a degree of difficulty to communication when you don't have to.
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And there is no such thing as I think or I'm not sure because it's irrelevant and not helpful.
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If you're not sure and you think, find out.
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And if you don't have the answer, point me to someone who can, who has the answer.
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That's meaningful, that's useful, that's service.
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So thank you for joining us for I Communicate in this episode and continue to strive for a culture of excellence in all relationships in your life, and certainly in your company.
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We'll see you next time.
