Stop Carrying What Doesn’t Need to Be Yours

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Welcome to Allowed and Lifted Quick Lift, where
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we take the key takeaways from my longer conversations
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and break them down into something practical
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you can use today. In my conversation with Cheryl
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and School Nikki from Brilliant Balance, we talked
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about something I know so many ambitious women
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eventually run into. The life you built gets
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bigger and bigger, but you keep trying to manage
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it the exact same way you always have. And let's
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just say I know this resonated with so many of
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you from the comments and messages I have received.
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Cheryl Ann calls us the peak of complexity. Early
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in your career, you might have a lot of ambition,
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but your life is still relatively simple. Then
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you start adding things, a bigger job, a partner,
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kids, a house, more responsibility, more commitments,
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board, school activities, all the things you
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know the list. And for a long time, you can just
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keep handling it. you work harder, you get more
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organized, you tell yourself that this is just
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a busy season and eventually things will calm
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down, then you get to the point you were waiting
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for and realize, nope, still busy. What Shareland
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helped me see is that sometimes the problem is
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not that we suddenly become bad at managing our
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lives. The problem is that the way we manage
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our lives 10 or 15 years ago no longer works
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for the life we have now. And this one felt very
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personal for me. When my kids were younger, I
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was trying really hard to prove I could do both
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sides really well. At work, I was staying late,
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going to events, doing everything I thought showed
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that I was fully committed professionally. Then
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on the other side, I was volunteering for PTA
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and trying to show up for everything because
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I did not want to be the working mom who was
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not involved with her kids' lives. No one was
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necessarily telling me I had to do all that,
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and a lot of it was me trying to prove that I
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could. So let me give you the four key takeaways
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from our conversation. Key takeaway number one.
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You have more than a time problem. Cheryl Ann
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talks about four resources we are constantly
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spending our time, our energy, our headspace,
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and our emotional bandwidth. I think the headspace
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piece is a big one because so much of what women
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carry is completely invisible. You may not physically
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be doing the thing, but you're remembering it
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and probably planning it and definitely doing
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the following up. And of course, you're worrying
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about if it actually gets done. Someone else
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may take your kid to an appointment, but you
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scheduled it, remembered it, and knew what they
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needed. Someone on your team may technically
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own the project, but if you're still checking
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on it constantly, you're still carrying it. It
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all counts. So when you feel maxed out, it's
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not always about squeezing another hour out of
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your calendar. Sometimes you need to look at
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what's taking up space there and in your brain.
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So action item number one, do a quick capacity
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audit. Look at your next week, and don't just
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look at your calendar. Ask yourself, what is
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taking my time, energy, and headspace right now?
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What am I physically doing? But also, what am
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I mentally caring? You do not need a spreadsheet
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for this. Just pay attention. Key takeaway number
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two, stop confusing I can do this with I should
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do this. Cheryl Anne gave one question that I
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absolutely love. Am I uniquely qualified to do
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this? Because capable women, we can do a lot
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of things. But that does not mean that we need
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to be the person to do them all. And I can absolutely
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see this in my own life. When I used to travel
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a lot for work, I would basically prepare my
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family for my absence like I was leaving the
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country for six months. Meals planned, schedules
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figured out, all the girls clothes laid out for
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the week. Everything was so organized. Meanwhile,
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my husband was basically saying, why are you
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doing all this? We can survive. And he was right.
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Maybe they ate McDonald's every night and I'm
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sure he did not do things the exact same way
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that I would have done them, but they were fine.
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It's not really about whether they were capable.
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It's about me wanting things handled the way
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I would handle them. Yes, a little controlling.
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So the action item here for number two is, am
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I uniquely qualified to do this? Pick a few things
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that take up your capacity and ask the question.
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Not, can I do this? Of course you can do it,
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but am I uniquely qualified to do this? Key takeaway
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number three, letting go creates emotional friction.
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Sherlyn identified four things that tend to keep
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us holding on. Again, the control. What makes
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us hold on? The guilt, the FOMO, judgment, Oh,
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and loss of control. And I'm pretty sure most
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of us find ourselves somewhere in that list or
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all those pieces at different times. Maybe you
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feel guilty saying no. Maybe you don't want to
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miss something. Maybe you worry people at work
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are going to think you're less committed. Or
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maybe you simply think you can do better yourself.
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This is how we end up saying, it's just easier
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if I do it. And trust me, sometimes it is easier
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once. Shareland made a great distinction here.
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If it's a truly a one -time task, doing it yourself
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may make sense. But if it's something that happens
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repeatedly, doing it yourself every time is not
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easier. You are just paying the same price over
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and over again. So the action item here is let
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go of one low stakes thing. Do not start with
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a giant work project or the thing that feels
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emotionally impossible. Pick one thing that someone
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else can own this week. And here's the hard part,
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let them own it. Do not delegate it and then
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hover over it and do not redo it five minutes
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later because they did it differently. Run the
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experiment, see what happens. because the goal
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is just not to overhaul your life by next Friday.
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The goal is to start proving to yourself that
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everything does not have to run through you.
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And I think that is the biggest thing I took
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away from Sherilyn. You do not have to become
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less ambitious, you do not have to stop caring,
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and you don't have to suddenly lower your standards.
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But you may need to stop assuming that because
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you are capable of caring something, it automatically
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belongs to you. The last takeaway, a boundary
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only works if you can actually uphold it. I love
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this part of our conversation because we talk
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about boundaries all the time, but Sherlyn made
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a distinction that I thought made this very clear.
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A boundary is not a request for someone else
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to behave differently. It's not, my boss needs
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to stop scheduling meetings after five or people
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need to stop texting me at night. You can't control
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whether they do those things or not. But the
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boundary is what you are going to do when that
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happens. So if your boundary is that you don't
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attend meetings after five, someone may still
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schedule one. The real boundary is that you do
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not attend. This is where boundaries get hard
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because now you have to be willing to tolerate
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the discomfort that comes from holding them.
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Someone might be annoyed. They might question
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you. They may think you're being difficult or
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less committed. And that is exactly why so many
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of us say we have boundaries when What we really
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have are preferences. A real boundary usually
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has some emotional friction attached to it because
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it asks you to follow through even when someone
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else does not like it. That's what makes it a
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boundary. So the action item here is turn one
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boundary into something you can actually control.
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Think about one place where you keep saying you
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need a better boundary. Maybe it's work calls
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after hours or meetings that creep into family
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time, people constantly dropping things on your
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plate, or even your kids, assuming you'll handle
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something for them. Now, rewrite it so the boundary
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is based on your behavior, not theirs. Instead
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of, my boss needs to stop scheduling meetings
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after five, try, I do not attend non -urgent
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meetings after five. Instead of, people need
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to stop texting me at night, try, I don't respond
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to non -urgent messages after seven. Then ask
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yourself the harder question, am I willing to
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hold this when someone pushes back? Because setting
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the boundary is the easy part. The action is
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following through. If this sounds familiar, go
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listen to my full conversation with Sherrilyn.
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We get into the complexity curve, boundaries,
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delegation, why letting go is so hard, and how
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to start building a life that actually works
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for the season you are in. Until next time, stay
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loud and stay lifted.