WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.359
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:14.000
If this is your first time here, I'm so pleased that you found Launch.
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:25.359
And if you've been listening for a while, I love that you're so committed to learning everything you can about helping your adult child and wanting to build a better relationship with them.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:35.039
Wherever you are in this journey, I know you'll find helpful suggestions and nuggets of wisdom because of the amazing guests that joined me here on launch.
00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:42.159
Sometimes, though, it's just me because there are things I want to talk about that don't require a guest.
00:00:42.479 --> 00:00:44.719
This is one of those episodes.
00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:50.240
Today I want to share some insight that I think may be helpful in your journey toward change.
00:00:50.479 --> 00:01:05.359
Recently, I did a free masterclass, and what I love most about doing those are the conversations that I get to have with parents afterwards about their adult child, what's going on in the home, and with their relationships.
00:01:05.680 --> 00:01:10.400
This episode is about what I've learned from those recent discussions.
00:01:10.799 --> 00:01:14.719
Every parent knows that change is necessary.
00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:27.840
Every parent I speak to is ready, more than ready, actually fed up and deeply concerned that if they don't step in, progress will continue to stall with no end in sight.
00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:33.120
And it's true, nothing will change unless you take action.
00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:42.480
When we talk about what their biggest fears are, what's holding them back from making those changes, there are three common concerns that get in the way.
00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:46.959
First, many feel that their adult children are fragile.
00:01:47.120 --> 00:01:51.920
They worry that putting too much pressure might push them over the edge.
00:01:52.239 --> 00:02:07.040
Parents, if you're truly concerned about the fragility of your adult child's mental health to the degree that you think that they can't handle real life, then I beg you to bring them to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and possibly medication.
00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:09.360
No one should suffer like that.
00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:16.319
In fact, I won't work with families with adult children who are not managing their mental health effectively.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:29.199
So if yours is struggling with depression but refuses to speak to a professional and follow a treatment plan if necessary, they might be in such a dark place they don't see the point of going.
00:02:29.759 --> 00:02:33.120
Please don't ever let their depression go untreated.
00:02:33.680 --> 00:02:38.800
For other young adults who are just feeling down occasionally, it makes perfect sense.
00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:46.719
They're living in isolation, without real life friends, lacking fresh air, physical activity, and proper nutrition.
00:02:46.879 --> 00:02:52.319
That lifestyle would impact any human being's mood, even an animal.
00:02:52.560 --> 00:02:58.000
So those melancholy mood swings are exactly why change is needed.
00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:06.800
Another fear that prevents parents from upsetting the Apple cart is what if making these changes damages our relationship?
00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:12.080
What if my adult child becomes so angry that they stop speaking to me?
00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:18.000
Listen, I understand why that would scare you, but I want you to keep this in mind.
00:03:18.319 --> 00:03:21.360
Estrangement is a complicated process.
00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:33.680
It doesn't happen simply because a parent asks an adult child to become more responsible, sets realistic expectations, or makes modifications to the way they've been providing financial support.
00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:40.319
When estrangement does occur, there are much deeper relational dynamics involved.
00:03:40.719 --> 00:03:45.919
And even if they stop talking to you for a little while, that doesn't mean the relationship is over.
00:03:46.159 --> 00:03:54.400
They're upset because change is uncomfortable for them and they're afraid of what is going to happen once they step out into the world again.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:04:01.360
So don't automatically interpret their anger, withdrawal, or resistance as I've damaged our relationship.
00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:10.319
Sometimes, in fact, most often, it's simply a reaction to something that feels very scary from what they've known for so long.
00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:21.920
And the third concern I've heard from parents who are ready to get started but are holding back is that they fear their adult child will flat out refuse any change to their current lifestyle.
00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:29.439
These acts of defiance are so hard for parents that it renders them helpless and powerless.
00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:32.879
That's what I want to spend a few minutes addressing.
00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:38.879
Understanding how you can make these changes stick without backing down.
00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:55.199
This is so important because if you set new boundaries, create a list of expectations and changes to the financial arrangement, and then you cannot tolerate your adult child's reactions, you will probably, in fact, most definitely, quit.
00:04:55.439 --> 00:04:58.959
For many parents, this cycle has been ongoing.
00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:11.439
My work is not just helping you put those changes in place, but to prepare you for what comes after, the pushback, their reactions, and how to manage your own.
00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:19.600
If you've never tried to make changes before, I'll warn you now, this is typically how an adult child in this situation will respond.
00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:39.360
They might get angry and argue, shut down and ignore you, refuse to participate, make you feel guilty, blame you, accuse you of not loving them, become emotionally dysregulated, or promise to try harder, but that never lasts.
00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:41.040
Here's the thing.
00:05:41.360 --> 00:05:46.399
Not one of those responses tells you that you've made the wrong decision.
00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:56.079
Their reaction is an indication that they're anticipating the change, which is the unknown, and that makes them terribly uncomfortable.
00:05:56.399 --> 00:06:02.639
Also, the change is coming from you, not them, which is something you really don't like.
00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:08.000
There are three steps to this process, and of course they won't happen overnight.
00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:13.360
But the first step is preparing to change the way you're going to parent them.
00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:18.879
The second is changing the conditions in their home or their environment.
00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:23.439
And the third step is managing how you're going to respond.
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:25.839
That's the most important one.
00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:29.920
You cannot prevent your adult child from having a reaction.
00:06:30.079 --> 00:06:31.439
That's guaranteed.
00:06:31.759 --> 00:06:38.720
What you need to do is to be prepared for it so you don't jump ship when shit starts to get real.
00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:49.600
Learning how to handle the myriad of reactions without you backing down, overreacting, or slipping into old habits is where a lot of the work is done.
00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:53.279
Success happens when you are prepared.
00:06:53.519 --> 00:07:03.920
And it's not just about knowing what to say, which is important, it's about understanding what their reactions mean and how to stay steady when they are pushing back.
00:07:04.160 --> 00:07:09.439
And since every family is different, it's not a one-size-fits-all approach.
00:07:09.680 --> 00:07:13.680
So as I wrap up this mini episode, I want to leave you with this.
00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:17.759
Your adult child's reaction is not the problem.
00:07:18.319 --> 00:07:22.480
And your job isn't to make sure they're happy during this time.
00:07:22.800 --> 00:07:32.240
It's to be prepared for it before you begin setting new boundaries, new expectations, new arrangements, and new consequences for them.
00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:36.800
Don't start this process until you're fully prepared.
00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:47.120
And once you are, your adult child's reactions no longer become the reason you back off, give up, give in, or rush in to make everything better.
00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:49.199
Because you'll be ready for it.
00:07:49.439 --> 00:07:52.000
It's like knowing your tornado is coming.
00:07:52.240 --> 00:07:58.879
You brace yourself, you secure the windows, hunker down, and deal with it until it passes.
00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:00.079
And it will.
00:08:00.639 --> 00:08:03.519
Remember when they were little and had temper tantrums?
00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:05.920
You couldn't make the meltdown stop.
00:08:06.319 --> 00:08:11.120
You just learn to ride it out by managing how you respond.
00:08:11.920 --> 00:08:14.240
Here's the biggest takeaway today.
00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:19.519
Your adult child's reaction is theirs to have.
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:24.079
Your response to it is yours to manage.
00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:29.120
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.
00:08:29.680 --> 00:08:35.679
Registration for the next free launch masterclass is open if you're interested.
00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:45.440
The link is simply parentingfx.com forward slash register, or you can always grab the link in the show notes.
00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:51.519
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another parent who might need to hear it.
00:08:51.759 --> 00:08:55.200
Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
00:08:55.360 --> 00:09:02.559
And if you love listening to launch, leaving a five star review or comment helps other parents to find us.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:07.279
As always, thank you for being here from wherever that may be.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:09.359
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:14.000
If this is your first time here, I'm so pleased that you found Launch.
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:25.359
And if you've been listening for a while, I love that you're so committed to learning everything you can about helping your adult child and wanting to build a better relationship with them.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:35.039
Wherever you are in this journey, I know you'll find helpful suggestions and nuggets of wisdom because of the amazing guests that joined me here on launch.
00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:42.159
Sometimes, though, it's just me because there are things I want to talk about that don't require a guest.
00:00:42.479 --> 00:00:44.719
This is one of those episodes.
00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:50.240
Today I want to share some insight that I think may be helpful in your journey toward change.
00:00:50.479 --> 00:01:05.359
Recently, I did a free masterclass, and what I love most about doing those are the conversations that I get to have with parents afterwards about their adult child, what's going on in the home, and with their relationships.
00:01:05.680 --> 00:01:10.400
This episode is about what I've learned from those recent discussions.
00:01:10.799 --> 00:01:14.719
Every parent knows that change is necessary.
00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:27.840
Every parent I speak to is ready, more than ready, actually fed up and deeply concerned that if they don't step in, progress will continue to stall with no end in sight.
00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:33.120
And it's true, nothing will change unless you take action.
00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:42.480
When we talk about what their biggest fears are, what's holding them back from making those changes, there are three common concerns that get in the way.
00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:46.959
First, many feel that their adult children are fragile.
00:01:47.120 --> 00:01:51.920
They worry that putting too much pressure might push them over the edge.
00:01:52.239 --> 00:02:07.040
Parents, if you're truly concerned about the fragility of your adult child's mental health to the degree that you think that they can't handle real life, then I beg you to bring them to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and possibly medication.
00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:09.360
No one should suffer like that.
00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:16.319
In fact, I won't work with families with adult children who are not managing their mental health effectively.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:29.199
So if yours is struggling with depression but refuses to speak to a professional and follow a treatment plan if necessary, they might be in such a dark place they don't see the point of going.
00:02:29.759 --> 00:02:33.120
Please don't ever let their depression go untreated.
00:02:33.680 --> 00:02:38.800
For other young adults who are just feeling down occasionally, it makes perfect sense.
00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:46.719
They're living in isolation, without real life friends, lacking fresh air, physical activity, and proper nutrition.
00:02:46.879 --> 00:02:52.319
That lifestyle would impact any human being's mood, even an animal.
00:02:52.560 --> 00:02:58.000
So those melancholy mood swings are exactly why change is needed.
00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:06.800
Another fear that prevents parents from upsetting the Apple cart is what if making these changes damages our relationship?
00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:12.080
What if my adult child becomes so angry that they stop speaking to me?
00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:18.000
Listen, I understand why that would scare you, but I want you to keep this in mind.
00:03:18.319 --> 00:03:21.360
Estrangement is a complicated process.
00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:33.680
It doesn't happen simply because a parent asks an adult child to become more responsible, sets realistic expectations, or makes modifications to the way they've been providing financial support.
00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:40.319
When estrangement does occur, there are much deeper relational dynamics involved.
00:03:40.719 --> 00:03:45.919
And even if they stop talking to you for a little while, that doesn't mean the relationship is over.
00:03:46.159 --> 00:03:54.400
They're upset because change is uncomfortable for them and they're afraid of what is going to happen once they step out into the world again.
00:03:54.719 --> 00:04:01.360
So don't automatically interpret their anger, withdrawal, or resistance as I've damaged our relationship.
00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:10.319
Sometimes, in fact, most often, it's simply a reaction to something that feels very scary from what they've known for so long.
00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:21.920
And the third concern I've heard from parents who are ready to get started but are holding back is that they fear their adult child will flat out refuse any change to their current lifestyle.
00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:29.439
These acts of defiance are so hard for parents that it renders them helpless and powerless.
00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:32.879
That's what I want to spend a few minutes addressing.
00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:38.879
Understanding how you can make these changes stick without backing down.
00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:55.199
This is so important because if you set new boundaries, create a list of expectations and changes to the financial arrangement, and then you cannot tolerate your adult child's reactions, you will probably, in fact, most definitely, quit.
00:04:55.439 --> 00:04:58.959
For many parents, this cycle has been ongoing.
00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:11.439
My work is not just helping you put those changes in place, but to prepare you for what comes after, the pushback, their reactions, and how to manage your own.
00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:19.600
If you've never tried to make changes before, I'll warn you now, this is typically how an adult child in this situation will respond.
00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:39.360
They might get angry and argue, shut down and ignore you, refuse to participate, make you feel guilty, blame you, accuse you of not loving them, become emotionally dysregulated, or promise to try harder, but that never lasts.
00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:41.040
Here's the thing.
00:05:41.360 --> 00:05:46.399
Not one of those responses tells you that you've made the wrong decision.
00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:56.079
Their reaction is an indication that they're anticipating the change, which is the unknown, and that makes them terribly uncomfortable.
00:05:56.399 --> 00:06:02.639
Also, the change is coming from you, not them, which is something you really don't like.
00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:08.000
There are three steps to this process, and of course they won't happen overnight.
00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:13.360
But the first step is preparing to change the way you're going to parent them.
00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:18.879
The second is changing the conditions in their home or their environment.
00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:23.439
And the third step is managing how you're going to respond.
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:25.839
That's the most important one.
00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:29.920
You cannot prevent your adult child from having a reaction.
00:06:30.079 --> 00:06:31.439
That's guaranteed.
00:06:31.759 --> 00:06:38.720
What you need to do is to be prepared for it so you don't jump ship when shit starts to get real.
00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:49.600
Learning how to handle the myriad of reactions without you backing down, overreacting, or slipping into old habits is where a lot of the work is done.
00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:53.279
Success happens when you are prepared.
00:06:53.519 --> 00:07:03.920
And it's not just about knowing what to say, which is important, it's about understanding what their reactions mean and how to stay steady when they are pushing back.
00:07:04.160 --> 00:07:09.439
And since every family is different, it's not a one-size-fits-all approach.
00:07:09.680 --> 00:07:13.680
So as I wrap up this mini episode, I want to leave you with this.
00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:17.759
Your adult child's reaction is not the problem.
00:07:18.319 --> 00:07:22.480
And your job isn't to make sure they're happy during this time.
00:07:22.800 --> 00:07:32.240
It's to be prepared for it before you begin setting new boundaries, new expectations, new arrangements, and new consequences for them.
00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:36.800
Don't start this process until you're fully prepared.
00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:47.120
And once you are, your adult child's reactions no longer become the reason you back off, give up, give in, or rush in to make everything better.
00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:49.199
Because you'll be ready for it.
00:07:49.439 --> 00:07:52.000
It's like knowing your tornado is coming.
00:07:52.240 --> 00:07:58.879
You brace yourself, you secure the windows, hunker down, and deal with it until it passes.
00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:00.079
And it will.
00:08:00.639 --> 00:08:03.519
Remember when they were little and had temper tantrums?
00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:05.920
You couldn't make the meltdown stop.
00:08:06.319 --> 00:08:11.120
You just learn to ride it out by managing how you respond.
00:08:11.920 --> 00:08:14.240
Here's the biggest takeaway today.
00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:19.519
Your adult child's reaction is theirs to have.
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:24.079
Your response to it is yours to manage.
00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:29.120
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.
00:08:29.680 --> 00:08:35.679
Registration for the next free launch masterclass is open if you're interested.
00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:45.440
The link is simply parentingfx.com forward slash register, or you can always grab the link in the show notes.
00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:51.519
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another parent who might need to hear it.
00:08:51.759 --> 00:08:55.200
Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
00:08:55.360 --> 00:09:02.559
And if you love listening to launch, leaving a five star review or comment helps other parents to find us.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:07.279
As always, thank you for being here from wherever that may be.
