3, 2, 1. Welcome to Jim's Take episode 157. We're talking about the booze again. It's Sober October.
This is being released in October of 2025. So Sober October, thought I'd revisit the story of sobriety. It seems to be a hot topic.
I did it once a few years ago. I was in the middle of COVID. Everybody was boozing quite a bit.
And it was affecting people. A lot of the people I spoke to were talking about how it was affecting them. They were drinking too much.
They were doing all that kind of stuff. And a woman who worked for me was like, you got to tell your story on why you quit drinking. I did it.
It resonated. Everybody, you know, they were in a dark place. They kind of were toying with the idea.
And now we see this a lot. There's kind of this big sobriety movement. It's been around for a number of years.
The Sober October, the Dry January, the Sober Bars that have opened up with a lot of the non-alcoholic spirits and beer and all of that. Non-alcoholic beer is going through the roof. Athletic Brewing Company, Guinness Zero, Heineken Zero.
So there's an interest for a number of different reasons. And since it was such a popular topic, it was five years ago that I spoke about it. It was almost seven years ago where I decided to quit drinking.
I thought I'd hit it again and just kind of talk about what the experience has been, why I still have made that decision, what's been easy, what's been hard. And I get, you know, I'll go through, you know, what drove me to it, why I quit drinking, what prevented me from doing it for so long. And I guess what I've learned, you know, what surprised me about quitting drinking, you know, you have these expectations on why or how people are going to react and how things are.
And it really didn't hit my expectations in the way that I thought it was going to do in positive ways and all positive, all positive. But we'll talk about all of that. So I will say this as an overarching comment.
There are, everyone's got opinions on drinking. That's not, I'm not giving you my opinion on it. I'm giving you my experience on it.
Everyone is different. There is no right or wrong. For context, I never went to AA or any of those things.
I'm not that hardcore kind of, you know, I've had tastes of booze. My wife orders a drink and I'll take a sip of it. I find it revolting now.
I don't like the taste of it. I don't enjoy that kind of thing. I don't sit and drink.
Um, you know, when I take a sip, it's literally just, Oh, it's that interesting. Okay, fine. Uh, but some people are in recovery and they can't do that.
And they've sworn that off and that's, that's their way to do it. And that's great. So there are a lot of different ways that people give up the booze, give up whatever it is.
They're kicking the smokes, the drugs, whatever. Um, and that's your path and that's fine. Right.
And, and so what worked for me probably won't work for you, but this is not a do not drink episode. I'm not a, uh, a preacher. Um, I used to love drinking, uh, uh, but I got to the point where it wasn't additive.
It wasn't helpful. And it was, it went beyond helpful or, or not helpful to actually hurting. And so I'll, I'll talk through all of that.
But if you are thinking about quitting drinking there, there's a group of people who have done it in a way that's resonating for you. So good luck finding them. And, and if you want to chat about it, I'm happy to chat about it.
Uh, some people want the steps. Some people just need a community. Some people just need one person and some people just need to make a commitment.
So there's all different paths, um, to that. Fine. Takes an honest conversation with yourself.
I'm not here to tell you who you are, but you go do that. That was longer than I expected it to be, but Hey, the world takes all kinds of people. Enjoy your life.
So why did I quit drinking? What, let me set the scene for you. Um, about me and some context on a younger gym. I'm in my late forties now.
Um, I started drinking, I was 18 when I started drinking. I went to college. I never drank before college.
I wasn't a big boozer. Um, before that, um, partied hard in college, you know, it just kind of wrapped its lovely arms around me. And, uh, I was a bartender in college, DJ in college, spent a lot of my time in bars and that's just kind of where it was, where my friends were and everything else.
And so it became very comfortable, very easy. Um, and I drank a lot, but I was a college kid, so it wasn't anything crazy. I was never, uh, that I can remember so, so bad.
Um, I mean, we all got crazy, but it was always like, I always made sure the last person got home, right? I always got home safely. I always kind of did that kind of thing. Um, and after college and working, you know, it's still, you know, it's stuck with me and I drank a lot and I drank, um, after work, you drink a bottle of wine or a bottle of whiskey and you do that kind of thing.
You go out on the weekends, you party hard and you know, you wake up and you had a little hair of the dog and you do it again. And, and, um, it was a lot. And there were times when things got stressful, I'd go and I'd pop two bottles of wine in a night, um, and do those types of things, bottle of whiskey, you know, whatever.
Um, and it was always a time I always knew that I didn't want to drink, but I didn't really have the guts to do it. Um, I mean, I re I recall in my late twenties, even, um, writing an email, basically telling people I wanted to quit drinking, but I never sent it. I'm like, oh, I'll send it in the morning for once in my life.
I was like, you know what? I'm going to sleep on this. Uh, and it was the one I probably should have said, but, um, so I never really asked for help and asking for help is a very difficult thing for me. And, um, I mean, my Ayahuasca trip taught me that.
Um, and so asking for help is a, is a big, I think that's probably the biggest thing that, that prevented me from doing it. And so for years, I knew I wanted to do it. I couldn't pull the trigger.
I couldn't ask for help. Um, and I know I had people surrounding me that would have been very helpful. Um, but it's more of a, it was a mental weakness that I had that I was not able to, to ask for that kind of help or, or do that kind of thing.
So, um, it wasn't the people around me that prevented me from doing it. It was all, it was, it was me. I couldn't, I couldn't do it.
Um, and so part of it was out of a personal weakness. Some of it was part of a personal laziness, I guess. Um, but I, I think there was a lot that prevented me from quitting was probably the two biggest ones was one, um, that prevented me from asking for the help was one was social pressure and comparing to others is, will I be viewed as weak? Um, and what else are we supposed to do? It's where all my friends were.
We, I was surrounded with people who were boozers. These were my friends. I met them at the bar.
This is what we did. Um, the bar became a lifestyle. And when you're in that lifestyle, it's very difficult to imagine anything besides it.
Right. And I talked about this in the 2021, like you go on a vacation and you're like, oh, an Irish pub, let's go pop in the pub. Right.
And I'm in a country like Istanbul and I'm sitting in a bar, which I can do anywhere and not enjoying the local culture, but it just becomes part of the, what do you want to do? Oh, let's just go grab a drink. And you don't realize that the majority of the world does not drink, or at least I don't drink as much as I did or as much as a, you know, a bunch of, a bunch of us do. Um, and so there's so much to do outside of the bar.
Uh, we just have to do a little bit of digging around to say, what would be interesting in this moment to go do? And what can we explore? What fun things can we do? And, um, it's not about accomplishing stuff and, you know, I'm going to go learn a language by giving up the bar and I'm going to go write a book and I'm going to, but there is so much to experience. Um, and you know, they say, stop and smell the roses. It's part of appreciate the things that are around you.
And there are so many things around you. And I realized this more with kids and the kids kind of pushed me to, to finally pull on the trigger. Um, but you know, appreciating nature and appreciating, you know, just people around you, people watching in the city or, um, you know, the amount of free things that go on in Manhattan is, is bananas.
And, uh, there's just so much to do, even just a coffee shop, right? There's, there's a lot to do at nighttime, uh, that doesn't involve a bar. And so this was kind of, you know, I never thought of it and never, I, it probably exists, but I just didn't care enough to do it. So there was a social pressure there, which prevented me from doing it.
And then also part of it was identity. Um, if I wasn't a drinker, then who was I? And if you knew me back then, I mean, I used to have the frolly drinking I used to have a drinking party in a different city around the world every month. Uh, and it wasn't about drinking.
It was about getting people together. The social component was much more important, but that was how I knew to get social people together was to get them in a bar. Um, and so if I didn't have the bar, you know, I felt like I had almost rebuild a persona, um, and it had to be authentic.
I'm not going to be this fake kind of person. So how do I build an authentic, like, and it wasn't building an authentic one for me. It was a lot of self-discovery, a lot of discomfort, but it wasn't, it was recognizing that my identity was not in the bar.
I actually had an identity before it and without it and almost peeling back onions to discover what my real purpose and not perfect. I hate that. I'm sorry.
I just said that my, not my real purpose, please scratch that. I hate that saying, but like find out who I really was and what really motivated me and what my values were. And, um, and I, I, I didn't realize that at the time I think as I reflect on it now, that's ultimately like the big mountain that I was looking to climb was I didn't know who I was and the booze was much more convenient to just kind of say, it doesn't matter, right? This is who I am.
And it was, it was accessible and very easy. Um, and, and the work on self-discovery and the work on, um, the discomfort of finding your negative behaviors and embracing your negative behaviors and, and opening up the insecurities. And, you know, we drink to dull the noise, but kind of leaning into that noise and saying, what is it? And what do you, what am I telling myself that I'm trying to ignore? And, um, it is hard, hard work, but it's necessary.
It was necessary work for me. It was, I mean, I'm, I quit drinking and I was just under six months to the day, uh, before my 40th when I pulled the trigger. Um, and I was like, I don't want another 40 years of this.
And there were a lot of reasons why I finally pulled the trigger. Um, the big one was having a daughter and, um, and you just can't be the parent you want to be if you're a drinker, the way I was a drinker. Um, and it's very, very difficult.
And, and it's when you have a kid, it changes your perspective immensely. Right. I wasn't the husband I was supposed to be when I was a big drinker, but my wife's an adult and we kind of figure it out.
And I'm like, yeah, whatever. But when you have a kid, it's just different, like a little two-year-old kid looking up at you and you're like, all right, I can't, you know, looking at her through two bloodshot eyes. And you're like, ah, um, so that was a big push, but there were also these kinds of, you know, drinking and my business wasn't going as well as it could have been going.
It was going fine, but it wasn't good enough for me. And I knew it wasn't good enough for me, um, to the point where I wasn't enjoying it. It was, I was solving all my problems in my head while I was drinking.
And then the next day, the problems were still there. I wasn't solving them. I was just kind of workshopping them in my head, making fake progress.
Like you're spinning around, running around very fast at circles, but you end up at the same spot. Um, and so all of these things, just one day after another, after another, and nothing was evolving and improving and changing into a way that was going to make me truly satisfied with myself. And I feel, you know, I'm not big on talking about happiness.
Um, you know, everybody uses, likes to talk about, Oh, you just gotta be fine, joy and happiness and all this kind of stuff. And for me, it's not that I can appreciate the joy and happiness and little things. And I'm doing that more than I used to, but it's more about satisfaction with myself.
And that's, I think, one of the big nuggets, um, that was like this epiphany for me is, you know, part of the reason I was drinking was that I wasn't satisfied with myself and I didn't know who I was. And it was like this thing on self-love and this thing on, uh, do you care about yourself? And, and, you know, you think about the people that you truly love in this world and you'll do anything in the world for them. And, uh, the question, would you do that for yourself? And the answer for me was no.
And, um, there are, I mean, if you listen to my ayahuasca experience and you listen to this, like there are hard lessons on love where you just, I just didn't feel it. Um, it wasn't my love for the people. It was about love for myself.
And that's, um, the ayahuasca thing was so powerful because it was, I think the first time in my life where I actually felt love for myself. And, and that's what was missing when you dull it with booze and it distracts you from all, all the other things. So, you know, when I think about the reasons why, and then I can tell you how I did it, how I quit the reasons why it wasn't additive or helpful in any meaningful way, very detrimental, uh, it was affecting my relationships, parent, spouse, you know, and even friends, I'm sure it was like, I'm sure I've done embarrassing shit that turned people away.
Um, and that's, you know, it is, it's over, but that's fine. Um, I wasn't fixing any of my problems. Although I was thinking through it was making false progress.
It was, um, you know, it's, it's easier to have zero drinks than it is to have one. And it's the same with like candy for me or a cookie. I have one cookie where I can eat all the cookies.
I'm going to eat all the cookies. It triggers something in my brain where I just can't stop. Um, and I realized that that's why I don't kind of dip in and do those types of things.
And I learned one of the things I learned as I've been doing it is I don't actually like booze. It's disgusting. If you don't drink for a month, if you do the sober October thing, it's just nasty.
When you go back to it, it's like quitting cigarettes for a month. And then you go back and like, this is disgusting, but it Hicks, it hooks you in and brings it back and you just keep doing it. And that's it.
The first one, then the second one's fine. Um, so let me tell you the story of why I quit was October 28, 2018. I remember the day it was my half birthday, went out to the bar and sometimes I'll go to the bar and just do work.
And I came home that night and my wife was in bed and I told her, I woke her up and I told her that I needed to quit drinking because I'd been thinking about it for a long time. And to her credit, she jumped, woke right up. Um, and she was like, okay, what do you need? You know, care to support.
And, uh, there were lots of tears and she asked me if I needed AA. And I said, no. And she said, do you need AA? And I said, no.
She goes, Jim, do you need AA? And I said, no. And I, I bartered a deal. It was the one deal I could probably make with her.
I said, let me do it on my own. If I can't do it on my own, then I will go to AA. And she said, fine.
Um, she went and she found like therapists that I could go interview and do all kinds of like, she's very, very supportive and helpful and all of that. Um, but I knew I needed to tell someone close to me and AA wasn't going to do it. I could tell strangers, but then like, it's not going to hold me accountable.
I can't hold myself accountable in many different ways. If I was sneaking booze, my wife would know. So that was like this way that, and she would hold me to the fire.
So that was, that was my way of doing it where like, if I pull that pin, then that's it's over. Like, you just can't, you can't do it. Um, and so that's, and, and since that day, that was it.
And, and there were many times I was pulled in like beautiful day work was done. It was like three o'clock. I'm like, Oh, I pop into a bar.
Nobody would know. Uh, but it kept me honest. And, um, and it one day turned into two days, three days, five days, you know, eight days, 10 days.
And, you know, I'd read up on other people. There are these communities online like the, I will not drink with you, uh, or I will not drink with you today. So I've read it.
I've read, it was very helpful people to sharing their stories. And I had a friend who quit and I went to his like 10 year AA celebration where friends could come in. And so that was the one AA meeting I've been to where I wasn't a participant, but I was there it was towards the end.
And it was amazing. The stories that people were sharing and how open and honest they were. And it was beautiful thing.
Um, but I realized as I was going through it is that I did not enjoy the booze. I didn't like the feeling of it. It was more of an escape from kind of difficult, whatever things I had to face.
And I realized one night that when I was really craving with cigarettes, because I was sitting outside of a bar, I'm like, Ooh, I could go in, but I was, my eyes were drawn, like coaching myself in the moment. What am I really want? I was going to the, the little ashtray on the table. Holy shit.
I want a cigarette. I don't even want booze. Um, cigarettes thing is going to be with me forever.
It's like always I crave cigarettes and I quit years ago. Um, but that's, that's nicotine is a much harder one to, to kick, uh, than the booze. But, um, but that's what I've learned.
Uh, is that, um, I don't enjoy it. I drive stress, anything unhealthy. Like I've got my little watch tells me my stress spikes.
Uh, I eat something unhealthy at spikes and it's the same when you take some booze or if you have a cigarette or if you take some gummies or you do whatever your stress meter goes up and the cortisol thing and the, the stressful body thing, it impacts you in so many different ways. And, and I got tired of the stress. I got tired of ignoring my responsibilities as an adult because it was always, Oh, I could do it tomorrow.
I could do it tomorrow. And at some point you just have to kind of grow up and do it. And my father-in-law jokes, you know, on his birthdays, he rounds up or down.
So if you're 42, he rounds out, he's like, I'm 40. But if he gets to 46, you round up 45, you round up. And now he just, he just tells people it's 50.
So he's like 40, 50 on the decade for about 10 years. And then he switches over. Um, and so now like, I'm starting to like, if I start referring to myself as a 50 year old, it's a little, it's different where you actually have to be the grownup and you have to, you know, the people that are supposed to be 50 are supposed to be old and gray and all that kind of stuff.
It's, it's not, you know, I gotta be a grownup now. It's very difficult. And it's easier to be a grownup when you're putting the right things in your body, you're making the right choices.
You're, you're getting your sleep, you're doing those things. And, and, um, booze doesn't help you do it at all. And, and what's nice, it's really nice now for me is sometimes you just get the craving and they've got these non-alcoholic gin or non-alcoholic beer or something.
And what you do when you drink one of those, it's fascinating. I can have one of those. It's maybe like twice a year.
I'll do one of the non-alcoholic, maybe three times a year tops. I don't want a second, but if I were drinking real booze, I'd want a second and a third. And then, and then you just put them back and it's crazy.
I have 10, 15 beers in a sitting like that. That just turns my stomach. Now it's bananas that I used to do that.
Um, liters of beer, just chugging down into your gullet. And it's just craziness that I would do that. Um, anyway, here's what I, here's what my realizations after doing it.
Um, one, I feel a lot better. Okay. That's, I mean, you can't really imagine it until you do it.
And I can recognize days where I just feel so good. Um, just because I'm, you know, it's days when I'm being healthy now it's like, cause it's been years, you know, whatever, but days where I'm actually making good, healthy decisions. You just feel so good.
Um, I imagine I look better than if physically, then if I had continued smoking and drinking, and I get that from, I saw this one person went to like their 30 year high school reunion. And one of the things he put, it jumped out at me is there are people who have been drinking and smoking since high school. They still do it.
And they look like they do. And so I feel like, you know, my diet's got to change a little bit more, but I feel like physically I look better by, because I'm not doing it. Can't talk about the alternative.
I don't know. Um, I don't like it. Um, the one thing that I was worried about is what are people going to say? And it's irrelevant because nobody cares.
Um, there are, you know, you're like, how do I explain to people that I quit drinking? It's such a big thing. Like, is it weakness? And then somebody offers me a beer. What do I say? Oh my goodness.
Um, nobody cares. And I went, I actually signed up for an Ironman the day after I quit drinking. I went on a long hike and I signed up for an Ironman.
And that was supposed to be my excuse on why I quit drinking. Um, they went hand in hand. I was going to do the Ironman and I was quitting drinking.
They actually weren't linked, but, um, and I met some people at the Ironman who say, yeah, the reason I do Ironman is so that I always have an excuse to not go out and drink because, oh, I've got a long bike ride training tomorrow or whatever that is. So there are people who use that, but nobody cared that I gave up drinking. And some people have asked, you're still not drinking.
And I'm like, yeah, not drinking. Oh wow. Okay, cool.
And then that's it. Like, it's not, nobody is going to really push you. Some people are kind of like, you know, they make the kind of immature drinking jokes.
Um, but they exist. They're around. It doesn't matter.
Nobody cares that you're a non drinker and you don't need to justify it to anybody at this point. I feel like it's not even something that needs to be justified. You just say, no, I'm not drinking.
No, I'm taking some time off for it. You know, personal health, you know, whatever. Fine.
Right. It doesn't, you don't have to say it's, you know, anything big or whatever. And, um, and when somebody, if somebody pushes you, you say, no, look, I really need to not drink right now.
And that's, that's fine. And if somebody pushes you again, then they're not really caring about you. Right.
I find that anybody wanted me to drink with them really, really badly, just needed someone to drink with them. And it was about them. It's nothing about you.
And I shifted my view. It wasn't about defending myself. It was, I got to figure out some compassion for them because they've got some kind of shit going on.
Um, but that's it. I mean, that's, that was the big worry that I had was people might worry and nobody cares. Nobody cares about any of it.
Um, but it takes some work and recognizing that nobody has their shit together helps. Um, but it takes deep thoughts on the, the person you wish to be. Um, and the, the person that you actually are, right.
I mean, there, there is, we, we put up so many facades and this duplicity is insane and we're trying to be so many things to so many different people. And it's so easy to just kind of give up and just pour back a bottle of wine and, you know, do whatever. Uh, but the work gets easier and the work is actually easier than dealing with the hangover and everything else.
And it's more enjoyable because you get to discover stuff about yourself. Um, and so it's part of your diet. Your diet's just got to change.
I think, um, if you're thinking about this and you've been thinking about it for a while, I feel like your diet just needs to change. And it's, um, like I don't eat tofu. We'll never eat tofu.
It's disgusting to me. It's not part of my diet. And this is kind of booze.
Booze is not part of my diet. It's disgusting to me now. And that's, it becomes easy over time.
There's always a pull. There's always a friend. There's always something.
Um, and you've got alternatives now and that's, what's kind of nice. So if you're struggling through sober October, I'm here to listen. I'm here to help.
If you're thinking about something bigger, I'm here to listen. I'm here to help. And, um, if you want to take shots of me for being a non-drinker, go ahead.
I'm here to listen. I'm here to help. It's all good.
Uh, sober October, good luck with it. If you're doing it, um, dry January, good luck if you're doing it. And it's, uh, I will say giving up the booze is one of the best decisions.
Probably my top 10 decisions I've made in my life. Um, and I've made a lot of crazy decisions. So, uh, I would actually, it's gotta be in top five, certainly in top five.
Um, maybe even top three. I don't know. Like having a kid was one of my top ones, right? You know, you pick the right wife and you're, you're set.
Like it's gotta be the top one. And then, you know, maybe booze is number three. Uh, so that's that.
So have a wonderful week, sober October, uh, stay fantastic. Have a wonderful week, make good choices. I love you all.
And we'll go back to the normal kind of topics next week. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks.
This is being released in October of 2025. So Sober October, thought I'd revisit the story of sobriety. It seems to be a hot topic.
I did it once a few years ago. I was in the middle of COVID. Everybody was boozing quite a bit.
And it was affecting people. A lot of the people I spoke to were talking about how it was affecting them. They were drinking too much.
They were doing all that kind of stuff. And a woman who worked for me was like, you got to tell your story on why you quit drinking. I did it.
It resonated. Everybody, you know, they were in a dark place. They kind of were toying with the idea.
And now we see this a lot. There's kind of this big sobriety movement. It's been around for a number of years.
The Sober October, the Dry January, the Sober Bars that have opened up with a lot of the non-alcoholic spirits and beer and all of that. Non-alcoholic beer is going through the roof. Athletic Brewing Company, Guinness Zero, Heineken Zero.
So there's an interest for a number of different reasons. And since it was such a popular topic, it was five years ago that I spoke about it. It was almost seven years ago where I decided to quit drinking.
I thought I'd hit it again and just kind of talk about what the experience has been, why I still have made that decision, what's been easy, what's been hard. And I get, you know, I'll go through, you know, what drove me to it, why I quit drinking, what prevented me from doing it for so long. And I guess what I've learned, you know, what surprised me about quitting drinking, you know, you have these expectations on why or how people are going to react and how things are.
And it really didn't hit my expectations in the way that I thought it was going to do in positive ways and all positive, all positive. But we'll talk about all of that. So I will say this as an overarching comment.
There are, everyone's got opinions on drinking. That's not, I'm not giving you my opinion on it. I'm giving you my experience on it.
Everyone is different. There is no right or wrong. For context, I never went to AA or any of those things.
I'm not that hardcore kind of, you know, I've had tastes of booze. My wife orders a drink and I'll take a sip of it. I find it revolting now.
I don't like the taste of it. I don't enjoy that kind of thing. I don't sit and drink.
Um, you know, when I take a sip, it's literally just, Oh, it's that interesting. Okay, fine. Uh, but some people are in recovery and they can't do that.
And they've sworn that off and that's, that's their way to do it. And that's great. So there are a lot of different ways that people give up the booze, give up whatever it is.
They're kicking the smokes, the drugs, whatever. Um, and that's your path and that's fine. Right.
And, and so what worked for me probably won't work for you, but this is not a do not drink episode. I'm not a, uh, a preacher. Um, I used to love drinking, uh, uh, but I got to the point where it wasn't additive.
It wasn't helpful. And it was, it went beyond helpful or, or not helpful to actually hurting. And so I'll, I'll talk through all of that.
But if you are thinking about quitting drinking there, there's a group of people who have done it in a way that's resonating for you. So good luck finding them. And, and if you want to chat about it, I'm happy to chat about it.
Uh, some people want the steps. Some people just need a community. Some people just need one person and some people just need to make a commitment.
So there's all different paths, um, to that. Fine. Takes an honest conversation with yourself.
I'm not here to tell you who you are, but you go do that. That was longer than I expected it to be, but Hey, the world takes all kinds of people. Enjoy your life.
So why did I quit drinking? What, let me set the scene for you. Um, about me and some context on a younger gym. I'm in my late forties now.
Um, I started drinking, I was 18 when I started drinking. I went to college. I never drank before college.
I wasn't a big boozer. Um, before that, um, partied hard in college, you know, it just kind of wrapped its lovely arms around me. And, uh, I was a bartender in college, DJ in college, spent a lot of my time in bars and that's just kind of where it was, where my friends were and everything else.
And so it became very comfortable, very easy. Um, and I drank a lot, but I was a college kid, so it wasn't anything crazy. I was never, uh, that I can remember so, so bad.
Um, I mean, we all got crazy, but it was always like, I always made sure the last person got home, right? I always got home safely. I always kind of did that kind of thing. Um, and after college and working, you know, it's still, you know, it's stuck with me and I drank a lot and I drank, um, after work, you drink a bottle of wine or a bottle of whiskey and you do that kind of thing.
You go out on the weekends, you party hard and you know, you wake up and you had a little hair of the dog and you do it again. And, and, um, it was a lot. And there were times when things got stressful, I'd go and I'd pop two bottles of wine in a night, um, and do those types of things, bottle of whiskey, you know, whatever.
Um, and it was always a time I always knew that I didn't want to drink, but I didn't really have the guts to do it. Um, I mean, I re I recall in my late twenties, even, um, writing an email, basically telling people I wanted to quit drinking, but I never sent it. I'm like, oh, I'll send it in the morning for once in my life.
I was like, you know what? I'm going to sleep on this. Uh, and it was the one I probably should have said, but, um, so I never really asked for help and asking for help is a very difficult thing for me. And, um, I mean, my Ayahuasca trip taught me that.
Um, and so asking for help is a, is a big, I think that's probably the biggest thing that, that prevented me from doing it. And so for years, I knew I wanted to do it. I couldn't pull the trigger.
I couldn't ask for help. Um, and I know I had people surrounding me that would have been very helpful. Um, but it's more of a, it was a mental weakness that I had that I was not able to, to ask for that kind of help or, or do that kind of thing.
So, um, it wasn't the people around me that prevented me from doing it. It was all, it was, it was me. I couldn't, I couldn't do it.
Um, and so part of it was out of a personal weakness. Some of it was part of a personal laziness, I guess. Um, but I, I think there was a lot that prevented me from quitting was probably the two biggest ones was one, um, that prevented me from asking for the help was one was social pressure and comparing to others is, will I be viewed as weak? Um, and what else are we supposed to do? It's where all my friends were.
We, I was surrounded with people who were boozers. These were my friends. I met them at the bar.
This is what we did. Um, the bar became a lifestyle. And when you're in that lifestyle, it's very difficult to imagine anything besides it.
Right. And I talked about this in the 2021, like you go on a vacation and you're like, oh, an Irish pub, let's go pop in the pub. Right.
And I'm in a country like Istanbul and I'm sitting in a bar, which I can do anywhere and not enjoying the local culture, but it just becomes part of the, what do you want to do? Oh, let's just go grab a drink. And you don't realize that the majority of the world does not drink, or at least I don't drink as much as I did or as much as a, you know, a bunch of, a bunch of us do. Um, and so there's so much to do outside of the bar.
Uh, we just have to do a little bit of digging around to say, what would be interesting in this moment to go do? And what can we explore? What fun things can we do? And, um, it's not about accomplishing stuff and, you know, I'm going to go learn a language by giving up the bar and I'm going to go write a book and I'm going to, but there is so much to experience. Um, and you know, they say, stop and smell the roses. It's part of appreciate the things that are around you.
And there are so many things around you. And I realized this more with kids and the kids kind of pushed me to, to finally pull on the trigger. Um, but you know, appreciating nature and appreciating, you know, just people around you, people watching in the city or, um, you know, the amount of free things that go on in Manhattan is, is bananas.
And, uh, there's just so much to do, even just a coffee shop, right? There's, there's a lot to do at nighttime, uh, that doesn't involve a bar. And so this was kind of, you know, I never thought of it and never, I, it probably exists, but I just didn't care enough to do it. So there was a social pressure there, which prevented me from doing it.
And then also part of it was identity. Um, if I wasn't a drinker, then who was I? And if you knew me back then, I mean, I used to have the frolly drinking I used to have a drinking party in a different city around the world every month. Uh, and it wasn't about drinking.
It was about getting people together. The social component was much more important, but that was how I knew to get social people together was to get them in a bar. Um, and so if I didn't have the bar, you know, I felt like I had almost rebuild a persona, um, and it had to be authentic.
I'm not going to be this fake kind of person. So how do I build an authentic, like, and it wasn't building an authentic one for me. It was a lot of self-discovery, a lot of discomfort, but it wasn't, it was recognizing that my identity was not in the bar.
I actually had an identity before it and without it and almost peeling back onions to discover what my real purpose and not perfect. I hate that. I'm sorry.
I just said that my, not my real purpose, please scratch that. I hate that saying, but like find out who I really was and what really motivated me and what my values were. And, um, and I, I, I didn't realize that at the time I think as I reflect on it now, that's ultimately like the big mountain that I was looking to climb was I didn't know who I was and the booze was much more convenient to just kind of say, it doesn't matter, right? This is who I am.
And it was, it was accessible and very easy. Um, and, and the work on self-discovery and the work on, um, the discomfort of finding your negative behaviors and embracing your negative behaviors and, and opening up the insecurities. And, you know, we drink to dull the noise, but kind of leaning into that noise and saying, what is it? And what do you, what am I telling myself that I'm trying to ignore? And, um, it is hard, hard work, but it's necessary.
It was necessary work for me. It was, I mean, I'm, I quit drinking and I was just under six months to the day, uh, before my 40th when I pulled the trigger. Um, and I was like, I don't want another 40 years of this.
And there were a lot of reasons why I finally pulled the trigger. Um, the big one was having a daughter and, um, and you just can't be the parent you want to be if you're a drinker, the way I was a drinker. Um, and it's very, very difficult.
And, and it's when you have a kid, it changes your perspective immensely. Right. I wasn't the husband I was supposed to be when I was a big drinker, but my wife's an adult and we kind of figure it out.
And I'm like, yeah, whatever. But when you have a kid, it's just different, like a little two-year-old kid looking up at you and you're like, all right, I can't, you know, looking at her through two bloodshot eyes. And you're like, ah, um, so that was a big push, but there were also these kinds of, you know, drinking and my business wasn't going as well as it could have been going.
It was going fine, but it wasn't good enough for me. And I knew it wasn't good enough for me, um, to the point where I wasn't enjoying it. It was, I was solving all my problems in my head while I was drinking.
And then the next day, the problems were still there. I wasn't solving them. I was just kind of workshopping them in my head, making fake progress.
Like you're spinning around, running around very fast at circles, but you end up at the same spot. Um, and so all of these things, just one day after another, after another, and nothing was evolving and improving and changing into a way that was going to make me truly satisfied with myself. And I feel, you know, I'm not big on talking about happiness.
Um, you know, everybody uses, likes to talk about, Oh, you just gotta be fine, joy and happiness and all this kind of stuff. And for me, it's not that I can appreciate the joy and happiness and little things. And I'm doing that more than I used to, but it's more about satisfaction with myself.
And that's, I think, one of the big nuggets, um, that was like this epiphany for me is, you know, part of the reason I was drinking was that I wasn't satisfied with myself and I didn't know who I was. And it was like this thing on self-love and this thing on, uh, do you care about yourself? And, and, you know, you think about the people that you truly love in this world and you'll do anything in the world for them. And, uh, the question, would you do that for yourself? And the answer for me was no.
And, um, there are, I mean, if you listen to my ayahuasca experience and you listen to this, like there are hard lessons on love where you just, I just didn't feel it. Um, it wasn't my love for the people. It was about love for myself.
And that's, um, the ayahuasca thing was so powerful because it was, I think the first time in my life where I actually felt love for myself. And, and that's what was missing when you dull it with booze and it distracts you from all, all the other things. So, you know, when I think about the reasons why, and then I can tell you how I did it, how I quit the reasons why it wasn't additive or helpful in any meaningful way, very detrimental, uh, it was affecting my relationships, parent, spouse, you know, and even friends, I'm sure it was like, I'm sure I've done embarrassing shit that turned people away.
Um, and that's, you know, it is, it's over, but that's fine. Um, I wasn't fixing any of my problems. Although I was thinking through it was making false progress.
It was, um, you know, it's, it's easier to have zero drinks than it is to have one. And it's the same with like candy for me or a cookie. I have one cookie where I can eat all the cookies.
I'm going to eat all the cookies. It triggers something in my brain where I just can't stop. Um, and I realized that that's why I don't kind of dip in and do those types of things.
And I learned one of the things I learned as I've been doing it is I don't actually like booze. It's disgusting. If you don't drink for a month, if you do the sober October thing, it's just nasty.
When you go back to it, it's like quitting cigarettes for a month. And then you go back and like, this is disgusting, but it Hicks, it hooks you in and brings it back and you just keep doing it. And that's it.
The first one, then the second one's fine. Um, so let me tell you the story of why I quit was October 28, 2018. I remember the day it was my half birthday, went out to the bar and sometimes I'll go to the bar and just do work.
And I came home that night and my wife was in bed and I told her, I woke her up and I told her that I needed to quit drinking because I'd been thinking about it for a long time. And to her credit, she jumped, woke right up. Um, and she was like, okay, what do you need? You know, care to support.
And, uh, there were lots of tears and she asked me if I needed AA. And I said, no. And she said, do you need AA? And I said, no.
She goes, Jim, do you need AA? And I said, no. And I, I bartered a deal. It was the one deal I could probably make with her.
I said, let me do it on my own. If I can't do it on my own, then I will go to AA. And she said, fine.
Um, she went and she found like therapists that I could go interview and do all kinds of like, she's very, very supportive and helpful and all of that. Um, but I knew I needed to tell someone close to me and AA wasn't going to do it. I could tell strangers, but then like, it's not going to hold me accountable.
I can't hold myself accountable in many different ways. If I was sneaking booze, my wife would know. So that was like this way that, and she would hold me to the fire.
So that was, that was my way of doing it where like, if I pull that pin, then that's it's over. Like, you just can't, you can't do it. Um, and so that's, and, and since that day, that was it.
And, and there were many times I was pulled in like beautiful day work was done. It was like three o'clock. I'm like, Oh, I pop into a bar.
Nobody would know. Uh, but it kept me honest. And, um, and it one day turned into two days, three days, five days, you know, eight days, 10 days.
And, you know, I'd read up on other people. There are these communities online like the, I will not drink with you, uh, or I will not drink with you today. So I've read it.
I've read, it was very helpful people to sharing their stories. And I had a friend who quit and I went to his like 10 year AA celebration where friends could come in. And so that was the one AA meeting I've been to where I wasn't a participant, but I was there it was towards the end.
And it was amazing. The stories that people were sharing and how open and honest they were. And it was beautiful thing.
Um, but I realized as I was going through it is that I did not enjoy the booze. I didn't like the feeling of it. It was more of an escape from kind of difficult, whatever things I had to face.
And I realized one night that when I was really craving with cigarettes, because I was sitting outside of a bar, I'm like, Ooh, I could go in, but I was, my eyes were drawn, like coaching myself in the moment. What am I really want? I was going to the, the little ashtray on the table. Holy shit.
I want a cigarette. I don't even want booze. Um, cigarettes thing is going to be with me forever.
It's like always I crave cigarettes and I quit years ago. Um, but that's, that's nicotine is a much harder one to, to kick, uh, than the booze. But, um, but that's what I've learned.
Uh, is that, um, I don't enjoy it. I drive stress, anything unhealthy. Like I've got my little watch tells me my stress spikes.
Uh, I eat something unhealthy at spikes and it's the same when you take some booze or if you have a cigarette or if you take some gummies or you do whatever your stress meter goes up and the cortisol thing and the, the stressful body thing, it impacts you in so many different ways. And, and I got tired of the stress. I got tired of ignoring my responsibilities as an adult because it was always, Oh, I could do it tomorrow.
I could do it tomorrow. And at some point you just have to kind of grow up and do it. And my father-in-law jokes, you know, on his birthdays, he rounds up or down.
So if you're 42, he rounds out, he's like, I'm 40. But if he gets to 46, you round up 45, you round up. And now he just, he just tells people it's 50.
So he's like 40, 50 on the decade for about 10 years. And then he switches over. Um, and so now like, I'm starting to like, if I start referring to myself as a 50 year old, it's a little, it's different where you actually have to be the grownup and you have to, you know, the people that are supposed to be 50 are supposed to be old and gray and all that kind of stuff.
It's, it's not, you know, I gotta be a grownup now. It's very difficult. And it's easier to be a grownup when you're putting the right things in your body, you're making the right choices.
You're, you're getting your sleep, you're doing those things. And, and, um, booze doesn't help you do it at all. And, and what's nice, it's really nice now for me is sometimes you just get the craving and they've got these non-alcoholic gin or non-alcoholic beer or something.
And what you do when you drink one of those, it's fascinating. I can have one of those. It's maybe like twice a year.
I'll do one of the non-alcoholic, maybe three times a year tops. I don't want a second, but if I were drinking real booze, I'd want a second and a third. And then, and then you just put them back and it's crazy.
I have 10, 15 beers in a sitting like that. That just turns my stomach. Now it's bananas that I used to do that.
Um, liters of beer, just chugging down into your gullet. And it's just craziness that I would do that. Um, anyway, here's what I, here's what my realizations after doing it.
Um, one, I feel a lot better. Okay. That's, I mean, you can't really imagine it until you do it.
And I can recognize days where I just feel so good. Um, just because I'm, you know, it's days when I'm being healthy now it's like, cause it's been years, you know, whatever, but days where I'm actually making good, healthy decisions. You just feel so good.
Um, I imagine I look better than if physically, then if I had continued smoking and drinking, and I get that from, I saw this one person went to like their 30 year high school reunion. And one of the things he put, it jumped out at me is there are people who have been drinking and smoking since high school. They still do it.
And they look like they do. And so I feel like, you know, my diet's got to change a little bit more, but I feel like physically I look better by, because I'm not doing it. Can't talk about the alternative.
I don't know. Um, I don't like it. Um, the one thing that I was worried about is what are people going to say? And it's irrelevant because nobody cares.
Um, there are, you know, you're like, how do I explain to people that I quit drinking? It's such a big thing. Like, is it weakness? And then somebody offers me a beer. What do I say? Oh my goodness.
Um, nobody cares. And I went, I actually signed up for an Ironman the day after I quit drinking. I went on a long hike and I signed up for an Ironman.
And that was supposed to be my excuse on why I quit drinking. Um, they went hand in hand. I was going to do the Ironman and I was quitting drinking.
They actually weren't linked, but, um, and I met some people at the Ironman who say, yeah, the reason I do Ironman is so that I always have an excuse to not go out and drink because, oh, I've got a long bike ride training tomorrow or whatever that is. So there are people who use that, but nobody cared that I gave up drinking. And some people have asked, you're still not drinking.
And I'm like, yeah, not drinking. Oh wow. Okay, cool.
And then that's it. Like, it's not, nobody is going to really push you. Some people are kind of like, you know, they make the kind of immature drinking jokes.
Um, but they exist. They're around. It doesn't matter.
Nobody cares that you're a non drinker and you don't need to justify it to anybody at this point. I feel like it's not even something that needs to be justified. You just say, no, I'm not drinking.
No, I'm taking some time off for it. You know, personal health, you know, whatever. Fine.
Right. It doesn't, you don't have to say it's, you know, anything big or whatever. And, um, and when somebody, if somebody pushes you, you say, no, look, I really need to not drink right now.
And that's, that's fine. And if somebody pushes you again, then they're not really caring about you. Right.
I find that anybody wanted me to drink with them really, really badly, just needed someone to drink with them. And it was about them. It's nothing about you.
And I shifted my view. It wasn't about defending myself. It was, I got to figure out some compassion for them because they've got some kind of shit going on.
Um, but that's it. I mean, that's, that was the big worry that I had was people might worry and nobody cares. Nobody cares about any of it.
Um, but it takes some work and recognizing that nobody has their shit together helps. Um, but it takes deep thoughts on the, the person you wish to be. Um, and the, the person that you actually are, right.
I mean, there, there is, we, we put up so many facades and this duplicity is insane and we're trying to be so many things to so many different people. And it's so easy to just kind of give up and just pour back a bottle of wine and, you know, do whatever. Uh, but the work gets easier and the work is actually easier than dealing with the hangover and everything else.
And it's more enjoyable because you get to discover stuff about yourself. Um, and so it's part of your diet. Your diet's just got to change.
I think, um, if you're thinking about this and you've been thinking about it for a while, I feel like your diet just needs to change. And it's, um, like I don't eat tofu. We'll never eat tofu.
It's disgusting to me. It's not part of my diet. And this is kind of booze.
Booze is not part of my diet. It's disgusting to me now. And that's, it becomes easy over time.
There's always a pull. There's always a friend. There's always something.
Um, and you've got alternatives now and that's, what's kind of nice. So if you're struggling through sober October, I'm here to listen. I'm here to help.
If you're thinking about something bigger, I'm here to listen. I'm here to help. And, um, if you want to take shots of me for being a non-drinker, go ahead.
I'm here to listen. I'm here to help. It's all good.
Uh, sober October, good luck with it. If you're doing it, um, dry January, good luck if you're doing it. And it's, uh, I will say giving up the booze is one of the best decisions.
Probably my top 10 decisions I've made in my life. Um, and I've made a lot of crazy decisions. So, uh, I would actually, it's gotta be in top five, certainly in top five.
Um, maybe even top three. I don't know. Like having a kid was one of my top ones, right? You know, you pick the right wife and you're, you're set.
Like it's gotta be the top one. And then, you know, maybe booze is number three. Uh, so that's that.
So have a wonderful week, sober October, uh, stay fantastic. Have a wonderful week, make good choices. I love you all.
And we'll go back to the normal kind of topics next week. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks.
