WEBVTT
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You know, when this journey first began, you know, I did not know where I was going to leave.
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Calm down.
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Two little words, and in history, those two words have almost never calmed anybody down.
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Think about it.
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Name one person.
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Go ahead.
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I'll wait.
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Exactly.
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Because calm down is not a compliment.
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And we are going to talk about why.
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And believe it or not, I learned this one from a board game.
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Hmm.
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So let me take you back.
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Let me take you back in time.
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My cousin and I were sitting at the table, we're playing pyramid.
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It was a board game at the time.
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Now it was a game that was based on a game show.
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I know.
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If you know, you know.
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If you don't know, this is how it works.
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You pick a category off of the pyramid and you give clues to your partner so your partner can guess it.
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It's a simple, friendly, family fun, allegedly.
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So, you know, so it turned.
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So it's my turn, right?
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I look at the board and I pick my category.
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And the category was calm down.
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You see where this is going, right?
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So my cousin says, okay, pick a category.
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And I say, calm down.
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She looks at me.
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Okay, pick a category.
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So I say it again, this time a little slower.
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I'm like, calm, pick down.
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And I was, you know, stressing it like, what's wrong with her, right?
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Because clearly she is not hearing me.
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I'm like, calm down.
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Y'all, that woman picked up the cardboard game, threw it clean across the room, and I and hollered, damn it, I'm calm.
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I was like, what?
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And cards are everywhere, okay?
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I'm like, couldn't breathe.
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I just, we just there were no words for that.
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We just laughed for years and years about it.
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But here's the thing in all of that, there is a real life lesson sitting in that cardboard.
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Nobody was even telling her to calm down.
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It was a category on a game board.
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And those two words still made her hot real fast.
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She didn't even hear the rest.
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That's how loaded calm down is.
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It's not even it doesn't even have to be aimed at you to hit you.
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You get me?
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You still understand what I'm saying?
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Now, imagine how it would feel if somebody actually meant it.
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Like you're in a meeting, making a point you truly care about, and your hands are moving because my hands have opinions, okay?
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And somebody leans back, they like put their hand up like a crossing guard, you know, like hold, no, no crossing, and they say, calm down.
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Let me tell you something.
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Calm down is almost never about your calm.
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It's it is about their comfort.
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That's what it is.
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Somebody is uncomfortable with how much you care.
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And instead of dealing with what you said, it's easier to deal with how you said it.
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And there's actually a name for it, but believe it or not, there's actually a name for that.
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It's called tone policing.
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It's when someone responds to the delivery instead of the message.
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It changes the subject without ever admitting it changed the subject.
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Slick, right?
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Learn something new every day.
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And I'm gonna be honest with you, this doesn't this does not only happen to women.
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You fellas, you know, we go you go through the same thing.
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Some of you have been told you're too aggressive when when you're just being direct.
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And some of you learned to just go quiet because your passion got mistaken for a threat.
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And for a lot of us, depending on what we look like, we where we come from, how we talk, that label comes faster and it sticks longer.
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Same energy, different label.
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The loud one, you know, the defensive one, the angry one, the difficult one, the too much one.
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Come on.
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Now, let me put my teacher hat on for a second because this part that I learned, I found it to be fascinating.
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Telling someone to actually calm down doesn't even work on a body level.
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Okay?
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When you are fired up and your heart is racing, like you hot, you on fire, you could just your heart is racing, your whole system is basically in go mode, right?
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So asking someone to go from go mode to calm on command is like asking a car doing 60 to be parked in one second.
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Come on now.
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Something is hitting that windshield, okay?
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Or in my cousin's case, something's hitting the wall or the floor, whatever.
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Oh my goodness.
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So there's this researcher at Harvard named um Allison Woodbrooks, and she studied people right before stressful moments.
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Like, you know, singing karaoke in front of a bunch of strangers, giving a speech, taking a test.
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You know, some of them were told to say, I am calm.
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And then others were told to say, I'm excited.
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And the people who said I'm excited actually did better.
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Better speeches, better performances, because they did not try to shut the energy off.
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They pointed it somewhere.
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They pointed it somewhere.
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Let that sit with you for a minute.
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See, the energy was never the problem.
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The direction was the question.
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Which direction do you want me to put that energy?
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Where do you want it to go?
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Think about a kettle on the stove.
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When the kettle starts whistling, right?
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Nobody yells at the kettle, nobody says, kettle, calm down.
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Why are you being so dramatic?
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Nobody's none of that.
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The whistle is known as information.
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It's telling you the water is ready, right?
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And you don't go smashing the kettle, you pour the hot water out of the kettle to make tea.
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That's what you do.
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Your intensity is the whistle, and it's telling you something in you is ready.
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Something matters.
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Now balance, because I love y'all and I'm going to keep it honest.
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Passion without direction can burn the whole entire house down.
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So here is what I've been practicing or trying to be consistent in doing.
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And I want you to try it this week as well.
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You know, me and my threes, I have three questions that I'd like for you to ask yourself when you feel that heat rising, when you feel like getting to that hot moment.
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What am I actually?
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The first one is what am I actually fighting for right now?
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What am I actually fighting for right now?
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You name it.
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Not the person, the point.
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And then number two is is this the room and is this the moment?
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Some things belong, like you know, in a meeting, or I need to schedule a meeting with this person to get to figure out some things.
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Or some things belong in an email where you could just give the directive or respond back, clarify, whatever.
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And then some things belong with your prayer partner, and that's just the end of that.
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Whoever, some things are just meant for your God, you know, and you need to get with your prayer partner to handle that.
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And then number three, what do I want them to walk away knowing?
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Aim right there.
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What do I want them to walk away knowing?
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Is the sky blue or is it green?
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You know what I mean?
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That's it.
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Everything else is extra.
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And that's not dimming, that's just simply directing.
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And for those of you who have been the ones saying, calm down.
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Come here.
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Let me talk to you.
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Real gently, because we have all said it.
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Next time let's try swapping it for something like I can see this really matters to you.
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So tell me more.
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That's what we can say instead of calm down, you need to calm down, you know.
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Watch what happens when you say something like that.
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I I I see this is really this merely matters to you.
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So, you know, come on, tell me what you got to tell me, basically, right?
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Watch what happens.
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The whole temperature in the room will change.
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Because people, as we all know, we don't like to be managed, especially when it's not in a work environment.
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But people, so they don't need to be managed.
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They need to be heard, period.
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So, what's the lesson here?
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What is the lesson for today?
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Here's your dose.
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Calm down, like I said, is not a compliment.
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It is a request to be smaller, and you don't have to fill that order.
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Direct your fire, do not put it out.
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And if you've ever found yourself holding a category called Calm Down, take it from me and my cousin.
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Pick a different category, okay?
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Ha! This is your dose.
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I need you to stay fab, keep growing, and be well, my friends.
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Be well.
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And if this one hit home, do me one favor.
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Tap that share button and send it.
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Send this to the person who has been told to calm down.
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One too many times.
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Okay?
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Please, please, please, please.
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You already know exactly who they are.
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Take care of eight.
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Get a dose of me.
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Get a dose.
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You know, when this journey first began, you know, I did not know where I was going to leave.
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Calm down.
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Two little words, and in history, those two words have almost never calmed anybody down.
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Think about it.
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Name one person.
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Go ahead.
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I'll wait.
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Exactly.
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Because calm down is not a compliment.
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And we are going to talk about why.
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And believe it or not, I learned this one from a board game.
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Hmm.
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So let me take you back.
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Let me take you back in time.
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My cousin and I were sitting at the table, we're playing pyramid.
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It was a board game at the time.
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Now it was a game that was based on a game show.
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I know.
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If you know, you know.
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If you don't know, this is how it works.
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You pick a category off of the pyramid and you give clues to your partner so your partner can guess it.
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It's a simple, friendly, family fun, allegedly.
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So, you know, so it turned.
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So it's my turn, right?
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I look at the board and I pick my category.
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And the category was calm down.
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You see where this is going, right?
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So my cousin says, okay, pick a category.
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And I say, calm down.
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She looks at me.
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Okay, pick a category.
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So I say it again, this time a little slower.
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I'm like, calm, pick down.
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And I was, you know, stressing it like, what's wrong with her, right?
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Because clearly she is not hearing me.
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I'm like, calm down.
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Y'all, that woman picked up the cardboard game, threw it clean across the room, and I and hollered, damn it, I'm calm.
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I was like, what?
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And cards are everywhere, okay?
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I'm like, couldn't breathe.
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I just, we just there were no words for that.
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We just laughed for years and years about it.
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But here's the thing in all of that, there is a real life lesson sitting in that cardboard.
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Nobody was even telling her to calm down.
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It was a category on a game board.
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And those two words still made her hot real fast.
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She didn't even hear the rest.
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That's how loaded calm down is.
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It's not even it doesn't even have to be aimed at you to hit you.
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You get me?
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You still understand what I'm saying?
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Now, imagine how it would feel if somebody actually meant it.
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Like you're in a meeting, making a point you truly care about, and your hands are moving because my hands have opinions, okay?
00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:49.599
And somebody leans back, they like put their hand up like a crossing guard, you know, like hold, no, no crossing, and they say, calm down.
00:03:50.879 --> 00:03:52.319
Let me tell you something.
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Calm down is almost never about your calm.
00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:02.159
It's it is about their comfort.
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That's what it is.
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Somebody is uncomfortable with how much you care.
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And instead of dealing with what you said, it's easier to deal with how you said it.
00:04:18.160 --> 00:04:23.600
And there's actually a name for it, but believe it or not, there's actually a name for that.
00:04:23.759 --> 00:04:26.720
It's called tone policing.
00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:32.319
It's when someone responds to the delivery instead of the message.
00:04:32.560 --> 00:04:38.639
It changes the subject without ever admitting it changed the subject.
00:04:38.959 --> 00:04:40.160
Slick, right?
00:04:41.360 --> 00:04:43.120
Learn something new every day.
00:04:43.360 --> 00:04:48.480
And I'm gonna be honest with you, this doesn't this does not only happen to women.
00:04:48.639 --> 00:04:52.000
You fellas, you know, we go you go through the same thing.
00:04:52.160 --> 00:04:57.040
Some of you have been told you're too aggressive when when you're just being direct.
00:04:57.199 --> 00:05:05.680
And some of you learned to just go quiet because your passion got mistaken for a threat.
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:17.680
And for a lot of us, depending on what we look like, we where we come from, how we talk, that label comes faster and it sticks longer.
00:05:18.319 --> 00:05:21.199
Same energy, different label.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:29.439
The loud one, you know, the defensive one, the angry one, the difficult one, the too much one.
00:05:29.680 --> 00:05:30.639
Come on.
00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:39.839
Now, let me put my teacher hat on for a second because this part that I learned, I found it to be fascinating.
00:05:40.079 --> 00:05:44.639
Telling someone to actually calm down doesn't even work on a body level.
00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:45.199
Okay?
00:05:45.680 --> 00:06:00.079
When you are fired up and your heart is racing, like you hot, you on fire, you could just your heart is racing, your whole system is basically in go mode, right?
00:06:00.399 --> 00:06:12.240
So asking someone to go from go mode to calm on command is like asking a car doing 60 to be parked in one second.
00:06:12.399 --> 00:06:13.360
Come on now.
00:06:13.759 --> 00:06:16.240
Something is hitting that windshield, okay?
00:06:16.639 --> 00:06:22.079
Or in my cousin's case, something's hitting the wall or the floor, whatever.
00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:26.160
Oh my goodness.
00:06:26.480 --> 00:06:38.480
So there's this researcher at Harvard named um Allison Woodbrooks, and she studied people right before stressful moments.
00:06:38.639 --> 00:06:44.480
Like, you know, singing karaoke in front of a bunch of strangers, giving a speech, taking a test.
00:06:44.639 --> 00:06:50.319
You know, some of them were told to say, I am calm.
00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:54.079
And then others were told to say, I'm excited.
00:06:54.399 --> 00:06:57.920
And the people who said I'm excited actually did better.
00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:05.920
Better speeches, better performances, because they did not try to shut the energy off.
00:07:06.319 --> 00:07:08.560
They pointed it somewhere.
00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:10.399
They pointed it somewhere.
00:07:10.639 --> 00:07:13.360
Let that sit with you for a minute.
00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:17.759
See, the energy was never the problem.
00:07:18.319 --> 00:07:20.399
The direction was the question.
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Which direction do you want me to put that energy?
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Where do you want it to go?
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Think about a kettle on the stove.
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When the kettle starts whistling, right?
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Nobody yells at the kettle, nobody says, kettle, calm down.
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Why are you being so dramatic?
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Nobody's none of that.
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The whistle is known as information.
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It's telling you the water is ready, right?
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And you don't go smashing the kettle, you pour the hot water out of the kettle to make tea.
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That's what you do.
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Your intensity is the whistle, and it's telling you something in you is ready.
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Something matters.
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Now balance, because I love y'all and I'm going to keep it honest.
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Passion without direction can burn the whole entire house down.
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So here is what I've been practicing or trying to be consistent in doing.
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And I want you to try it this week as well.
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You know, me and my threes, I have three questions that I'd like for you to ask yourself when you feel that heat rising, when you feel like getting to that hot moment.
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What am I actually?
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The first one is what am I actually fighting for right now?
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What am I actually fighting for right now?
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You name it.
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Not the person, the point.
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And then number two is is this the room and is this the moment?
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Some things belong, like you know, in a meeting, or I need to schedule a meeting with this person to get to figure out some things.
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Or some things belong in an email where you could just give the directive or respond back, clarify, whatever.
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And then some things belong with your prayer partner, and that's just the end of that.
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Whoever, some things are just meant for your God, you know, and you need to get with your prayer partner to handle that.
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And then number three, what do I want them to walk away knowing?
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Aim right there.
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What do I want them to walk away knowing?
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Is the sky blue or is it green?
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You know what I mean?
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That's it.
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Everything else is extra.
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And that's not dimming, that's just simply directing.
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And for those of you who have been the ones saying, calm down.
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Come here.
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Let me talk to you.
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Real gently, because we have all said it.
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Next time let's try swapping it for something like I can see this really matters to you.
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So tell me more.
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That's what we can say instead of calm down, you need to calm down, you know.
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Watch what happens when you say something like that.
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I I I see this is really this merely matters to you.
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So, you know, come on, tell me what you got to tell me, basically, right?
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Watch what happens.
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The whole temperature in the room will change.
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Because people, as we all know, we don't like to be managed, especially when it's not in a work environment.
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But people, so they don't need to be managed.
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They need to be heard, period.
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So, what's the lesson here?
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What is the lesson for today?
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Here's your dose.
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Calm down, like I said, is not a compliment.
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It is a request to be smaller, and you don't have to fill that order.
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Direct your fire, do not put it out.
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And if you've ever found yourself holding a category called Calm Down, take it from me and my cousin.
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Pick a different category, okay?
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Ha! This is your dose.
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I need you to stay fab, keep growing, and be well, my friends.
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Be well.
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And if this one hit home, do me one favor.
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Tap that share button and send it.
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Send this to the person who has been told to calm down.
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One too many times.
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Okay?
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Please, please, please, please.
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You already know exactly who they are.
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Take care of eight.
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Get a dose of me.
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Get a dose.
