WEBVTT
00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:01.520
Peace.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:04.160
Welcome to season two, episode one.
00:00:04.639 --> 00:00:07.599
This is great timing for this podcast episode.
00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:21.839
I'm gonna be intentional about keeping myself regulated, even though I'm fresh, I'm fresh off a situation related related to the topic, which is you know it's just good timing for authenticity and just the rawness of it.
00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:24.079
But I'll be I'll stay objective.
00:00:24.239 --> 00:00:48.159
Um the topic today is the reality of parenting a child with emotional regulation challenges, um, and different diagnoses, you know, ODD, uh some that go into young adulthood, borderline personality disorder, maybe some bipolar, um ADHD, which covers a lot of different symptoms for those who don't know.
00:00:48.320 --> 00:00:55.439
Um, so today isn't about blaming parents, children, um, you know, or blaming anyone really.
00:00:55.679 --> 00:01:01.679
It's about talking, talking honestly about what many families experience behind closed doors.
00:01:01.920 --> 00:01:06.000
As a therapist and as a parent, I've seen both sides.
00:01:06.159 --> 00:01:10.159
Um, and sometimes the hardest part is not the behavior, you know.
00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:14.000
Um, it just feels like no one understands what you're carrying.
00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:16.480
Um, the enemy is not the child either.
00:01:16.640 --> 00:01:19.280
You know, your child is not their diagnosis.
00:01:19.760 --> 00:01:31.840
Um, you know, ADHD, emotional regulation struggles, ODD, anxiety, and other challenges, you know, it doesn't erase the the entire being of the child, you know.
00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:40.400
Um and that's coming from someone who's been on the losing end of some of the the struggles of of raising a child with those challenges.
00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:54.239
Um, I've had police called on me, I've had numerous um diaphys cases, investigations, um, that have never led to me being, you know, in trouble or convicted of anything.
00:01:54.400 --> 00:02:00.159
But, you know, the struggle in itself is is a battle, you know, just can be draining.
00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:07.840
Um, but it's important to realize that accountability and compassion can exist at the same time.
00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:15.439
We can love our children deeply, but but also acknowledge that parenting, parenting them can be exhausting, man.
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:17.199
It can be exhausting.
00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:21.520
Um, your child can be struggling, and you can be struggling.
00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:25.840
The child deserves support, but the parent deserves support too.
00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:29.840
So those, you know, you can hold space for both those truths, you know.
00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:38.639
Um, for me, the challenge has been, especially as a as a black parent, a black father, it's the judgment that we carry as parents.
00:02:38.879 --> 00:02:42.800
You know, people see five minutes, um, you know what I'm saying?
00:02:42.960 --> 00:02:44.879
We live 24 hours a day.
00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:47.680
You know, we're dealing with this day in and day out.
00:02:47.840 --> 00:02:53.360
So sometimes, you know, I've dealt with family members judging without understanding the full picture.
00:02:53.599 --> 00:03:00.080
Even professionals, they kind of like underestimate how complex these situations can be at home.
00:03:00.319 --> 00:03:06.240
You know, I've been intentional about um seeking out black female therapists.
00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:12.639
Um, and this is not a race thing, just to just to get the give the full picture of my intent.
00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:25.199
And they've turned around and called Dykus on me, you know, and I'm and and me, the therapist side of me understands that, you know, you're gonna report things that are that are reported to you.
00:03:25.439 --> 00:03:27.120
You know, I do understand that.
00:03:27.280 --> 00:03:33.520
Um, whether you believe them to be true or not, some things are mandated to report, you know.
00:03:33.759 --> 00:03:43.680
Um, and then the other side, I'm like, as a parent, like, you know, I'm volunteering to get, you know, to and and asking for help for my child.
00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:59.759
If I had something to hide, I'm not sure I would be so willing from from a logical standpoint, willing to let you into my life, my household, my personal business, you know, but you know, that's a complicated dynamic in itself.
00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:08.080
Um, and you know what we have to realize is that good parenting, it doesn't always produce immediate results.
00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:11.680
Like a lot of us, some things that we didn't understand when we were younger.
00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:14.000
Now we like, oh shit, I get it.
00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:15.360
I get it now.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:21.839
Um, I look back at the times my mom was using drugs, although I never really turned out that way.
00:04:22.079 --> 00:04:27.519
I looked back when I got about 30, she wasn't here um to reflect on the story with her.
00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:29.040
I said, oh shit, I get it.
00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:31.680
How hard it is, the stress, the trauma.
00:04:31.920 --> 00:04:33.040
You know what I'm saying?
00:04:33.199 --> 00:04:37.360
And um, so you know, you you have to just plant seeds, seeds.
00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:41.040
And sometimes you won't see, you won't see the seeds grow for years.
00:04:41.199 --> 00:04:54.480
You know, it's like invisible work, constantly redirecting them, planning ahead, trying to carry the burden of preventing arguments before they happen, monitoring school, monitoring appointments, talking to teachers.
00:04:54.639 --> 00:04:56.480
Um, and let's just be clear.
00:04:56.639 --> 00:04:59.519
All of these things are, you know, it's a part of parenting.
00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:01.600
Don't get me wrong, these are a part of parenting.
00:05:01.680 --> 00:05:06.399
We're not complaining about things that, you know, that we are obligated to do.
00:05:06.639 --> 00:05:19.199
I think where it gets, you know, where we have to add the context is that when you have children who may be in crisis a little bit more than we would like them to be, and that's an understatement.
00:05:19.360 --> 00:05:24.959
You know, it it can be draining, you know, it can feel lonely because no one understands.
00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:30.240
Um, and this is my this is my objective opinion on my own situation.
00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:40.879
You know, um, I've been painted as a picture as aggressive, not having compassion for my kid, um, just um arrogant.
00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:44.000
Meanwhile, I'm just like, I'm over here hurting.
00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:51.120
I'm doing everything in my power to try to help my kid and put the resources in place, planning ahead.
00:05:51.199 --> 00:05:58.480
I because I saw it so early, and you're left with just judgment and just blame.
00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:06.879
And you know, from one standpoint, you really can't expect people to understand uh how mental health works.
00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:18.319
Um, as a black parent, I've definit I definitely noticed the microaggression to where if it was a parent of a different race, the assumption is mental health.
00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:21.360
For me as a black parent, it's what did you do wrong?
00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:43.839
And um, you know, it it can be very it can be very exhausting, man, and very discouraging, and it it's hurtful, not just from what you have to deal with with your with your kid, but those in your community and in your family who, you know, your like your credibility is challenged when it comes to, you know, when it comes to trying to get your your child help.
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:47.600
Um so, you know, what do I want to talk about next?
00:06:47.680 --> 00:06:52.079
Um, this is a very, very interesting, very interesting topic.
00:06:52.319 --> 00:06:56.079
Um, you know, sometimes you just wonder if you're doing enough.
00:06:56.319 --> 00:07:01.360
You know, I went through the stage of like feeling feeling guilty, even when you've given everything.
00:07:01.600 --> 00:07:04.480
You start going back to the drawing board, like, what else can I do?
00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:08.240
And as kids get older, you know, you know, that's where accountability comes in.
00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:19.759
It's like, you know, for all of us, regardless, you know, where wherever we are, whoever we are, we have to do our parts to meet and meet people, you know, kind of meet people halfway.
00:07:19.920 --> 00:07:24.800
You know, I do believe sometimes you have to meet people where they are, but they have to show up as well.
00:07:25.120 --> 00:07:29.759
Um, you know, but most people don't see this part of the game, they don't see this work.
00:07:29.920 --> 00:07:32.720
Um, because you know, parents ain't perfect, none of us are.
00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:36.879
They always say there's no manual, and we shouldn't pretend to be perfect.
00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:40.240
One thing I've always tried to be with my children is transparent.
00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:45.439
If there was anything that happened or that they were curious about, I always sat them down.
00:07:45.839 --> 00:07:49.680
And, you know, because kids typically understand when you explain it to them.
00:07:49.839 --> 00:08:00.800
They may not always be able to articulate things, but they they understand context for the most part, you know, and um you can have honest conversations with them and they respect that.
00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:03.040
One thing about kids, you can't fool them.
00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:09.759
You can't fool kids again, whether they can articulate it or not, you cannot fool them.
00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:13.839
And we all have moments that we wish we could take back as parents.
00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:17.680
I know, you know, one of my children used to, you know, piss me off.
00:08:17.920 --> 00:08:24.000
I mean, you talk about calling police, lying to, you know, to people about diaphys, all types of stuff.
00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:51.919
Well, I would go off, I would snap, I will use profanity, I would call her, I'll call names, like just because of the amount of pressure, you know what I'm saying, that you're under, and you know, just trying to maintain some sanity and protect the other children, you know, um, and also understanding accountability is a part of healthy parenting on both sides, you know, but there's a difference, but but accountability is different from accepting blame for everything, right?
00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:56.080
Sometimes we make mistakes, and sometimes our children make choices.
00:08:56.320 --> 00:09:02.799
Sometimes it's mental health, trauma, personality, um, environmental, you know.
00:09:02.960 --> 00:09:08.960
Um, you know, but human behavior is rarely explained by one event or one person.
00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:12.320
Um, so you know, we can't oversimplify the story.
00:09:12.480 --> 00:09:19.519
And one mistake, even as parents, you know, typically doesn't explain every future behavior.
00:09:19.759 --> 00:09:23.039
Some situations are simple, some some are more complicated.
00:09:23.200 --> 00:09:33.039
So I don't want to generalize, but I'm speaking from a baseline of like, you know, a lot of parents who try their best, you know what I mean, and just trying to get, you know, children who have these struggles help.
00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:40.960
You know, we we you know, we know the difference between, you know, extreme circumstances and you know, pretty, pretty common ones, you know.
00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:43.039
Let's keep it moving, let's keep it moving.
00:09:43.120 --> 00:09:45.519
I hope, I hope people can relate to this.
00:09:45.919 --> 00:09:49.679
Um, you know, I'm past the guilt stage, you know.
00:09:49.840 --> 00:09:52.960
Um, I'm not sure I ever sat in it.
00:09:53.120 --> 00:10:01.279
You know, um, I've always been able to lay, you know, just rest my hat on the fact that I know I did absolutely everything.
00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:10.000
I was so far ahead of what I was seeing in my child that I put the resources in place very, very early.
00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:28.559
You know, and I just had the foresight to know that one day, when it was all said and done, whether it worked out in my favor when she was a young adult or it worked against me, I would have no regrets because I I put I put every ounce of my spirit, mind, and flesh into getting the resources.
00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:30.240
I tried to love her through it.
00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:32.240
I tried to discipline her through it.
00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:34.559
I tried everything, everything.
00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:38.559
And that's the part that can be frustrating because people don't understand it.
00:10:38.720 --> 00:10:39.360
You know?
00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:42.720
Um, you know, as parents, we gotta own our mistakes.
00:10:42.799 --> 00:10:43.840
Don't get me wrong.
00:10:44.080 --> 00:10:47.679
Um, but children have to gradually learn from theirs as well.
00:10:47.919 --> 00:10:49.840
You know, especially as they, you know, they get older.
00:10:49.919 --> 00:10:52.240
You know, there's a difference between being 18 and 8.
00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:53.840
You know what I'm saying?
00:10:54.159 --> 00:11:00.559
Um, and and and healing is is when everyone is willing to look in the mirror, not just one person.
00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:13.360
And um, you know, what what us parents in these situations actually need is less judgment, more listening, um, practical support, consistency, encouragement.
00:11:13.600 --> 00:11:26.960
I've probably spent more time defending my name than actually receiving support and a healthy listening, open mind and ear to maybe give me some support to even help my kid.
00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:29.039
Now, we gotta be real about it.
00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:34.080
Like, what are the expectations for people um who is a part of your support system?
00:11:34.240 --> 00:11:42.799
Who is who are just like, you know, passive um, you know, listeners who just take it for surface level, they get on with their lives.
00:11:42.960 --> 00:11:47.600
Like, you know, who whose opinion really matters to you, right?
00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:52.720
Because you cannot go around defending yourself from every accusation.
00:11:52.879 --> 00:12:00.000
You know, it's draining, it's draining, and it'll build up resentment, you know, from you toward your child and people around.
00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:05.840
You know, um, a lot of people they don't, you know, they don't they don't say how how are you doing, right?
00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:08.240
Instead they're asking about the kid, right?
00:12:08.399 --> 00:12:20.639
I was told on a few on a few occasions in so many words is that you know, you have to you pretty much have to continue to tolerate things until it gets better.
00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:22.080
And I'm not with that shit.
00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:24.159
I'm gonna be honest, I'm not with that shit.
00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:29.039
Um, love does not always look like doesn't look like flowers and roses.
00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:36.960
Sometimes love is allowing a person to experience the world their way so that they can learn, right?
00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:44.159
Because the the idea that we can carry burdens for people, children or adults, and that will change them.
00:12:44.399 --> 00:12:45.919
I mean, that's unrealistic.
00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:58.960
I see I see too many people who've tried to help their children die, stress, heart attacks, and just never actually uh they're just not the same again after those experiences.
00:12:59.519 --> 00:13:05.200
Um so um, you know, just not just keeping your confidence up, parents.
00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:16.000
Just, you know, not measuring yourself by your child's worst day, um, you know, believing rest is selfish, you know, um, you know, it's tough, man.
00:13:16.080 --> 00:13:16.559
It's tough.
00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:28.960
And I want to be clear that this is not about blaming the kid, but I just want to speak to those parents who just really, really are struggling with just being seen and heard and trying to work through this stuff.
00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:47.679
What one thing that helped me was I joined Facebook groups about with parents who were going through this, and it just felt so refreshing and validating that you know that it's not, you know, I already know it's not me, but it's like, man, like, you know, sharing stories of people just judging them and just like criticizing them.
00:13:47.919 --> 00:13:50.320
And man, as you see, I keep bringing that up, man.
00:13:50.399 --> 00:13:53.039
That shit, that shit, that shit really frustrated me.
00:13:53.120 --> 00:14:05.600
And one thing I realized is that if a person is gonna believe something about you without context or without speaking up, speaking to you about it, especially family, um, then hey, that's maybe that's what you thought about me all along.
00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:10.559
You know, maybe that leads into the narrative you had about me to begin, to begin to begin with.
00:14:10.799 --> 00:14:18.960
Because there's a lot of emotional manipulation with kids who are not ready in their process, in their journeys to be held accountable.
00:14:19.279 --> 00:14:24.559
Um, you know, um, yeah, man, this is a very interesting topic.
00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:34.000
Um, you know, I I remember one of my friends told another one of my friends that I was neglecting my daughter, and I was so frustrated by that.
00:14:34.159 --> 00:14:37.039
You know, I was so uh like I was so frustrated.
00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:40.879
They had never been, they hadn't been around my family in years.
00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:42.159
You know what I'm saying?
00:14:42.240 --> 00:14:44.639
And just, you know, just offering criticism.
00:14:44.799 --> 00:15:03.600
He didn't say it to me, you know, because that probably would have gone left, but you know, like we're carrying years of history before, you know what I'm saying, before you get this this glance at what you think my life is, man, it was it really it really taught me not to give a damn even more about what people think, because you have no control over it.
00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:16.159
So if you're parenting a child with emotional regulation challenges, ADHD, ODD, similar struggles, you know, keep showing up, keep learning, keep taking care of yourself too.
00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:19.600
Um, your child needs a healthy adult more than a perfect one.
00:15:19.840 --> 00:15:24.960
And even in those statements, keep showing up that will not always look the same.
00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:35.600
Sometimes keep showing up is a call if they're not in your home anymore, a text message, um, letting them know when they're ready for to receive help, you're there.
00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:40.320
And and when I say that, I'm speaking from experience because my child is 18 now.
00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:43.840
It doesn't mean you stop being a parent, it just means that it's it looks a little different.
00:15:43.919 --> 00:15:46.159
They got they got a little bit more freedom, you know.
00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:55.440
You're not, you know, they don't technically, legally, you know what I'm saying, you're not, you're not in um, you're not, you're not in control of them anymore in the eyes of the law.
00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:57.440
They can do, they have certain freedoms.
00:15:57.600 --> 00:16:06.399
And obviously that's gonna be a different perspective when it comes to dealing with children when it gets like, you know, when it coming up from six years old, six through seventeen.
00:16:06.639 --> 00:16:10.080
It gets, you know, it it varies depending on the age.
00:16:10.399 --> 00:16:13.919
So we, you know, we should reflect on our parenting, you know what I'm saying?
00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:24.960
But we also shouldn't carry, shouldn't carry it to a point where we feel like, you know, I'm saying we have to accept and tolerate any and everything that comes our way.
00:16:25.360 --> 00:16:28.559
Um, and um, that was the light version, man.
00:16:28.639 --> 00:16:31.679
I didn't want to go off, but I've been through so much.
00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:34.000
Those that are close to me understand.
00:16:34.080 --> 00:16:38.320
I've been through so much parenting a child with those challenges, man.
00:16:38.480 --> 00:16:45.120
Like, there were times where police were damn near about to knock down my door, um, and I did nothing.
00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:47.120
I wasn't guilty of anything.
00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:56.000
You know, um, you know, oh man, like, you know, I'll save though, I'll save those incidents for, you know, going down a rabbit hole.
00:16:56.159 --> 00:17:08.079
You know, another day I can go down a rabbit hole, but just reflecting, man, my credibility has been challenged, uh, my character, and I sometimes I would shake my head like, damn, I thought these people knew me.
00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:11.039
You know, I thought I thought they knew what type of person I was.
00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:14.480
And and you just like, it's draining, man.
00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:15.200
It's draining.
00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:22.559
But part two, I will get into a little bit more of what my personal experiences were, some of the incidents.
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:41.599
Um not to be not to be a chatty patty, but oh trust me, there are parents who can who can relate and they'll probably, you know, probably just not feel as alone as as as I did when I was growing through this because it was so unfamiliar to to me on my journey.
00:17:41.839 --> 00:17:43.039
So peace.
00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:01.520
Peace.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:04.160
Welcome to season two, episode one.
00:00:04.639 --> 00:00:07.599
This is great timing for this podcast episode.
00:00:07.839 --> 00:00:21.839
I'm gonna be intentional about keeping myself regulated, even though I'm fresh, I'm fresh off a situation related related to the topic, which is you know it's just good timing for authenticity and just the rawness of it.
00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:24.079
But I'll be I'll stay objective.
00:00:24.239 --> 00:00:48.159
Um the topic today is the reality of parenting a child with emotional regulation challenges, um, and different diagnoses, you know, ODD, uh some that go into young adulthood, borderline personality disorder, maybe some bipolar, um ADHD, which covers a lot of different symptoms for those who don't know.
00:00:48.320 --> 00:00:55.439
Um, so today isn't about blaming parents, children, um, you know, or blaming anyone really.
00:00:55.679 --> 00:01:01.679
It's about talking, talking honestly about what many families experience behind closed doors.
00:01:01.920 --> 00:01:06.000
As a therapist and as a parent, I've seen both sides.
00:01:06.159 --> 00:01:10.159
Um, and sometimes the hardest part is not the behavior, you know.
00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:14.000
Um, it just feels like no one understands what you're carrying.
00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:16.480
Um, the enemy is not the child either.
00:01:16.640 --> 00:01:19.280
You know, your child is not their diagnosis.
00:01:19.760 --> 00:01:31.840
Um, you know, ADHD, emotional regulation struggles, ODD, anxiety, and other challenges, you know, it doesn't erase the the entire being of the child, you know.
00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:40.400
Um and that's coming from someone who's been on the losing end of some of the the struggles of of raising a child with those challenges.
00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:54.239
Um, I've had police called on me, I've had numerous um diaphys cases, investigations, um, that have never led to me being, you know, in trouble or convicted of anything.
00:01:54.400 --> 00:02:00.159
But, you know, the struggle in itself is is a battle, you know, just can be draining.
00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:07.840
Um, but it's important to realize that accountability and compassion can exist at the same time.
00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:15.439
We can love our children deeply, but but also acknowledge that parenting, parenting them can be exhausting, man.
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:17.199
It can be exhausting.
00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:21.520
Um, your child can be struggling, and you can be struggling.
00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:25.840
The child deserves support, but the parent deserves support too.
00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:29.840
So those, you know, you can hold space for both those truths, you know.
00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:38.639
Um, for me, the challenge has been, especially as a as a black parent, a black father, it's the judgment that we carry as parents.
00:02:38.879 --> 00:02:42.800
You know, people see five minutes, um, you know what I'm saying?
00:02:42.960 --> 00:02:44.879
We live 24 hours a day.
00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:47.680
You know, we're dealing with this day in and day out.
00:02:47.840 --> 00:02:53.360
So sometimes, you know, I've dealt with family members judging without understanding the full picture.
00:02:53.599 --> 00:03:00.080
Even professionals, they kind of like underestimate how complex these situations can be at home.
00:03:00.319 --> 00:03:06.240
You know, I've been intentional about um seeking out black female therapists.
00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:12.639
Um, and this is not a race thing, just to just to get the give the full picture of my intent.
00:03:13.039 --> 00:03:25.199
And they've turned around and called Dykus on me, you know, and I'm and and me, the therapist side of me understands that, you know, you're gonna report things that are that are reported to you.
00:03:25.439 --> 00:03:27.120
You know, I do understand that.
00:03:27.280 --> 00:03:33.520
Um, whether you believe them to be true or not, some things are mandated to report, you know.
00:03:33.759 --> 00:03:43.680
Um, and then the other side, I'm like, as a parent, like, you know, I'm volunteering to get, you know, to and and asking for help for my child.
00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:59.759
If I had something to hide, I'm not sure I would be so willing from from a logical standpoint, willing to let you into my life, my household, my personal business, you know, but you know, that's a complicated dynamic in itself.
00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:08.080
Um, and you know what we have to realize is that good parenting, it doesn't always produce immediate results.
00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:11.680
Like a lot of us, some things that we didn't understand when we were younger.
00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:14.000
Now we like, oh shit, I get it.
00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:15.360
I get it now.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:21.839
Um, I look back at the times my mom was using drugs, although I never really turned out that way.
00:04:22.079 --> 00:04:27.519
I looked back when I got about 30, she wasn't here um to reflect on the story with her.
00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:29.040
I said, oh shit, I get it.
00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:31.680
How hard it is, the stress, the trauma.
00:04:31.920 --> 00:04:33.040
You know what I'm saying?
00:04:33.199 --> 00:04:37.360
And um, so you know, you you have to just plant seeds, seeds.
00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:41.040
And sometimes you won't see, you won't see the seeds grow for years.
00:04:41.199 --> 00:04:54.480
You know, it's like invisible work, constantly redirecting them, planning ahead, trying to carry the burden of preventing arguments before they happen, monitoring school, monitoring appointments, talking to teachers.
00:04:54.639 --> 00:04:56.480
Um, and let's just be clear.
00:04:56.639 --> 00:04:59.519
All of these things are, you know, it's a part of parenting.
00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:01.600
Don't get me wrong, these are a part of parenting.
00:05:01.680 --> 00:05:06.399
We're not complaining about things that, you know, that we are obligated to do.
00:05:06.639 --> 00:05:19.199
I think where it gets, you know, where we have to add the context is that when you have children who may be in crisis a little bit more than we would like them to be, and that's an understatement.
00:05:19.360 --> 00:05:24.959
You know, it it can be draining, you know, it can feel lonely because no one understands.
00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:30.240
Um, and this is my this is my objective opinion on my own situation.
00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:40.879
You know, um, I've been painted as a picture as aggressive, not having compassion for my kid, um, just um arrogant.
00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:44.000
Meanwhile, I'm just like, I'm over here hurting.
00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:51.120
I'm doing everything in my power to try to help my kid and put the resources in place, planning ahead.
00:05:51.199 --> 00:05:58.480
I because I saw it so early, and you're left with just judgment and just blame.
00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:06.879
And you know, from one standpoint, you really can't expect people to understand uh how mental health works.
00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:18.319
Um, as a black parent, I've definit I definitely noticed the microaggression to where if it was a parent of a different race, the assumption is mental health.
00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:21.360
For me as a black parent, it's what did you do wrong?
00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:43.839
And um, you know, it it can be very it can be very exhausting, man, and very discouraging, and it it's hurtful, not just from what you have to deal with with your with your kid, but those in your community and in your family who, you know, your like your credibility is challenged when it comes to, you know, when it comes to trying to get your your child help.
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:47.600
Um so, you know, what do I want to talk about next?
00:06:47.680 --> 00:06:52.079
Um, this is a very, very interesting, very interesting topic.
00:06:52.319 --> 00:06:56.079
Um, you know, sometimes you just wonder if you're doing enough.
00:06:56.319 --> 00:07:01.360
You know, I went through the stage of like feeling feeling guilty, even when you've given everything.
00:07:01.600 --> 00:07:04.480
You start going back to the drawing board, like, what else can I do?
00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:08.240
And as kids get older, you know, you know, that's where accountability comes in.
00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:19.759
It's like, you know, for all of us, regardless, you know, where wherever we are, whoever we are, we have to do our parts to meet and meet people, you know, kind of meet people halfway.
00:07:19.920 --> 00:07:24.800
You know, I do believe sometimes you have to meet people where they are, but they have to show up as well.
00:07:25.120 --> 00:07:29.759
Um, you know, but most people don't see this part of the game, they don't see this work.
00:07:29.920 --> 00:07:32.720
Um, because you know, parents ain't perfect, none of us are.
00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:36.879
They always say there's no manual, and we shouldn't pretend to be perfect.
00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:40.240
One thing I've always tried to be with my children is transparent.
00:07:40.399 --> 00:07:45.439
If there was anything that happened or that they were curious about, I always sat them down.
00:07:45.839 --> 00:07:49.680
And, you know, because kids typically understand when you explain it to them.
00:07:49.839 --> 00:08:00.800
They may not always be able to articulate things, but they they understand context for the most part, you know, and um you can have honest conversations with them and they respect that.
00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:03.040
One thing about kids, you can't fool them.
00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:09.759
You can't fool kids again, whether they can articulate it or not, you cannot fool them.
00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:13.839
And we all have moments that we wish we could take back as parents.
00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:17.680
I know, you know, one of my children used to, you know, piss me off.
00:08:17.920 --> 00:08:24.000
I mean, you talk about calling police, lying to, you know, to people about diaphys, all types of stuff.
00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:51.919
Well, I would go off, I would snap, I will use profanity, I would call her, I'll call names, like just because of the amount of pressure, you know what I'm saying, that you're under, and you know, just trying to maintain some sanity and protect the other children, you know, um, and also understanding accountability is a part of healthy parenting on both sides, you know, but there's a difference, but but accountability is different from accepting blame for everything, right?
00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:56.080
Sometimes we make mistakes, and sometimes our children make choices.
00:08:56.320 --> 00:09:02.799
Sometimes it's mental health, trauma, personality, um, environmental, you know.
00:09:02.960 --> 00:09:08.960
Um, you know, but human behavior is rarely explained by one event or one person.
00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:12.320
Um, so you know, we can't oversimplify the story.
00:09:12.480 --> 00:09:19.519
And one mistake, even as parents, you know, typically doesn't explain every future behavior.
00:09:19.759 --> 00:09:23.039
Some situations are simple, some some are more complicated.
00:09:23.200 --> 00:09:33.039
So I don't want to generalize, but I'm speaking from a baseline of like, you know, a lot of parents who try their best, you know what I mean, and just trying to get, you know, children who have these struggles help.
00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:40.960
You know, we we you know, we know the difference between, you know, extreme circumstances and you know, pretty, pretty common ones, you know.
00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:43.039
Let's keep it moving, let's keep it moving.
00:09:43.120 --> 00:09:45.519
I hope, I hope people can relate to this.
00:09:45.919 --> 00:09:49.679
Um, you know, I'm past the guilt stage, you know.
00:09:49.840 --> 00:09:52.960
Um, I'm not sure I ever sat in it.
00:09:53.120 --> 00:10:01.279
You know, um, I've always been able to lay, you know, just rest my hat on the fact that I know I did absolutely everything.
00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:10.000
I was so far ahead of what I was seeing in my child that I put the resources in place very, very early.
00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:28.559
You know, and I just had the foresight to know that one day, when it was all said and done, whether it worked out in my favor when she was a young adult or it worked against me, I would have no regrets because I I put I put every ounce of my spirit, mind, and flesh into getting the resources.
00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:30.240
I tried to love her through it.
00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:32.240
I tried to discipline her through it.
00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:34.559
I tried everything, everything.
00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:38.559
And that's the part that can be frustrating because people don't understand it.
00:10:38.720 --> 00:10:39.360
You know?
00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:42.720
Um, you know, as parents, we gotta own our mistakes.
00:10:42.799 --> 00:10:43.840
Don't get me wrong.
00:10:44.080 --> 00:10:47.679
Um, but children have to gradually learn from theirs as well.
00:10:47.919 --> 00:10:49.840
You know, especially as they, you know, they get older.
00:10:49.919 --> 00:10:52.240
You know, there's a difference between being 18 and 8.
00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:53.840
You know what I'm saying?
00:10:54.159 --> 00:11:00.559
Um, and and and healing is is when everyone is willing to look in the mirror, not just one person.
00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:13.360
And um, you know, what what us parents in these situations actually need is less judgment, more listening, um, practical support, consistency, encouragement.
00:11:13.600 --> 00:11:26.960
I've probably spent more time defending my name than actually receiving support and a healthy listening, open mind and ear to maybe give me some support to even help my kid.
00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:29.039
Now, we gotta be real about it.
00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:34.080
Like, what are the expectations for people um who is a part of your support system?
00:11:34.240 --> 00:11:42.799
Who is who are just like, you know, passive um, you know, listeners who just take it for surface level, they get on with their lives.
00:11:42.960 --> 00:11:47.600
Like, you know, who whose opinion really matters to you, right?
00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:52.720
Because you cannot go around defending yourself from every accusation.
00:11:52.879 --> 00:12:00.000
You know, it's draining, it's draining, and it'll build up resentment, you know, from you toward your child and people around.
00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:05.840
You know, um, a lot of people they don't, you know, they don't they don't say how how are you doing, right?
00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:08.240
Instead they're asking about the kid, right?
00:12:08.399 --> 00:12:20.639
I was told on a few on a few occasions in so many words is that you know, you have to you pretty much have to continue to tolerate things until it gets better.
00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:22.080
And I'm not with that shit.
00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:24.159
I'm gonna be honest, I'm not with that shit.
00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:29.039
Um, love does not always look like doesn't look like flowers and roses.
00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:36.960
Sometimes love is allowing a person to experience the world their way so that they can learn, right?
00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:44.159
Because the the idea that we can carry burdens for people, children or adults, and that will change them.
00:12:44.399 --> 00:12:45.919
I mean, that's unrealistic.
00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:58.960
I see I see too many people who've tried to help their children die, stress, heart attacks, and just never actually uh they're just not the same again after those experiences.
00:12:59.519 --> 00:13:05.200
Um so um, you know, just not just keeping your confidence up, parents.
00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:16.000
Just, you know, not measuring yourself by your child's worst day, um, you know, believing rest is selfish, you know, um, you know, it's tough, man.
00:13:16.080 --> 00:13:16.559
It's tough.
00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:28.960
And I want to be clear that this is not about blaming the kid, but I just want to speak to those parents who just really, really are struggling with just being seen and heard and trying to work through this stuff.
00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:47.679
What one thing that helped me was I joined Facebook groups about with parents who were going through this, and it just felt so refreshing and validating that you know that it's not, you know, I already know it's not me, but it's like, man, like, you know, sharing stories of people just judging them and just like criticizing them.
00:13:47.919 --> 00:13:50.320
And man, as you see, I keep bringing that up, man.
00:13:50.399 --> 00:13:53.039
That shit, that shit, that shit really frustrated me.
00:13:53.120 --> 00:14:05.600
And one thing I realized is that if a person is gonna believe something about you without context or without speaking up, speaking to you about it, especially family, um, then hey, that's maybe that's what you thought about me all along.
00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:10.559
You know, maybe that leads into the narrative you had about me to begin, to begin to begin with.
00:14:10.799 --> 00:14:18.960
Because there's a lot of emotional manipulation with kids who are not ready in their process, in their journeys to be held accountable.
00:14:19.279 --> 00:14:24.559
Um, you know, um, yeah, man, this is a very interesting topic.
00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:34.000
Um, you know, I I remember one of my friends told another one of my friends that I was neglecting my daughter, and I was so frustrated by that.
00:14:34.159 --> 00:14:37.039
You know, I was so uh like I was so frustrated.
00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:40.879
They had never been, they hadn't been around my family in years.
00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:42.159
You know what I'm saying?
00:14:42.240 --> 00:14:44.639
And just, you know, just offering criticism.
00:14:44.799 --> 00:15:03.600
He didn't say it to me, you know, because that probably would have gone left, but you know, like we're carrying years of history before, you know what I'm saying, before you get this this glance at what you think my life is, man, it was it really it really taught me not to give a damn even more about what people think, because you have no control over it.
00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:16.159
So if you're parenting a child with emotional regulation challenges, ADHD, ODD, similar struggles, you know, keep showing up, keep learning, keep taking care of yourself too.
00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:19.600
Um, your child needs a healthy adult more than a perfect one.
00:15:19.840 --> 00:15:24.960
And even in those statements, keep showing up that will not always look the same.
00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:35.600
Sometimes keep showing up is a call if they're not in your home anymore, a text message, um, letting them know when they're ready for to receive help, you're there.
00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:40.320
And and when I say that, I'm speaking from experience because my child is 18 now.
00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:43.840
It doesn't mean you stop being a parent, it just means that it's it looks a little different.
00:15:43.919 --> 00:15:46.159
They got they got a little bit more freedom, you know.
00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:55.440
You're not, you know, they don't technically, legally, you know what I'm saying, you're not, you're not in um, you're not, you're not in control of them anymore in the eyes of the law.
00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:57.440
They can do, they have certain freedoms.
00:15:57.600 --> 00:16:06.399
And obviously that's gonna be a different perspective when it comes to dealing with children when it gets like, you know, when it coming up from six years old, six through seventeen.
00:16:06.639 --> 00:16:10.080
It gets, you know, it it varies depending on the age.
00:16:10.399 --> 00:16:13.919
So we, you know, we should reflect on our parenting, you know what I'm saying?
00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:24.960
But we also shouldn't carry, shouldn't carry it to a point where we feel like, you know, I'm saying we have to accept and tolerate any and everything that comes our way.
00:16:25.360 --> 00:16:28.559
Um, and um, that was the light version, man.
00:16:28.639 --> 00:16:31.679
I didn't want to go off, but I've been through so much.
00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:34.000
Those that are close to me understand.
00:16:34.080 --> 00:16:38.320
I've been through so much parenting a child with those challenges, man.
00:16:38.480 --> 00:16:45.120
Like, there were times where police were damn near about to knock down my door, um, and I did nothing.
00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:47.120
I wasn't guilty of anything.
00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:56.000
You know, um, you know, oh man, like, you know, I'll save though, I'll save those incidents for, you know, going down a rabbit hole.
00:16:56.159 --> 00:17:08.079
You know, another day I can go down a rabbit hole, but just reflecting, man, my credibility has been challenged, uh, my character, and I sometimes I would shake my head like, damn, I thought these people knew me.
00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:11.039
You know, I thought I thought they knew what type of person I was.
00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:14.480
And and you just like, it's draining, man.
00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:15.200
It's draining.
00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:22.559
But part two, I will get into a little bit more of what my personal experiences were, some of the incidents.
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:41.599
Um not to be not to be a chatty patty, but oh trust me, there are parents who can who can relate and they'll probably, you know, probably just not feel as alone as as as I did when I was growing through this because it was so unfamiliar to to me on my journey.
00:17:41.839 --> 00:17:43.039
So peace.
